(Part 3) Top products from r/LongDistance

My girlfriend (of eight months) is at Basic right now. Then she has advanced training. Then she has airborne training. Meanwhile I'm graduating from college and moving across the country. We're dedicated to each other though. We see life as an adventure and while it may be difficult for a time we'll get through it together as partners.

Your college classes will keep you busy. Finding a Summer job (or taking classes) will keep you busy. Spending time with friends will keep you busy. Just make sure you talk with him about how much time he expects from you. It's not healthy to wait around all day for each other. It's also not healthy to feel ignored. Communication is vital in all relationships but especially so in long distance ones because many of the nonverbal cues are missing.

One of the biggest hurdles will be the time zone difference. While he's in Korea he'll be between 13 and 16 hours ahead of you (assuming you aren't in Alaska or Hawaii). You can still do things to feel close to one another. Reading the same books or watching the same TV shows are things you can work through and talk about without necessarily doing them at the same time of day. If you want to talk on the phone or Skype or whatever it'll be early morning for one of you and late at night for the other.

I'll also recommend a book: The 5 Love Languages Military Edition. It was highly recommended to me despite being unmarried, nonreligious, and relatively new to the military SO life. The gist of it is that people feel love most strongly in one of five ways. By learning the specific way that your SO feels love you can really improve/strengthen a relationship (because what makes YOU feel loved doesn't necessarily make HIM feel loved). The military edition has a lot of testimony from military couples and gives tips for dealing with deployments and whatnot.

/r/usmilitarySO has been really helpful and supportive and informative (just all around great really) so feel free to introduce yourself over there as well :)

This might sound harsh, but he is probably a little too comfortable and lazy. Or maybe he is just taking the whole situation for granted. "Oh I don't have to talk, since she will do the talking". Sorry honey, it goes both ways.

But! There's always a solution for everything. Have you both sent care packages recently? Maybe add this (found this on amazon) http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/098199461X?pc_redir=1397674301&robot_redir=1

It's a card game for ice breaking at a party and stuff. Send him one and you can both play! It may sound very basic, but there's no harm starting from the beginning. It's always interesting what new things you find out about each other.

(I recently found out my SO likes white chocolate and not dark. I've been with him for 5 years already! I felt really silly when I sent him 1kg of dark chocolate Tim Tams and he texted me saying "I heard they do white chocolate too".)

Try to start dating each other again. Let the sparks fly a little. Keep the communication channels open. I'm glad he took up the idea to call you! Encourage him. Sometimes if my SO forgets to call, I'll text him "I'm ready for your call, anytime now!"

Good luck!

I'm born and raised Los Angeles/Orange County, so it's a little weird at times. I hope you don't mind I kinda skimmed your comments really quick, but I see you're from Oakland. I feel that it would probably be a way bigger adjustment for you than me as far as the pace of life is concerned, southern CA is pretty relaxed in a lot of areas. And I've visited San Francisco/Oakland quite a few times as I have a lot of friends up there, and can see how you're feeling underwhelmed with it.

I remember a few days ago my SO and I went out and, like, went to Toys R Us, the comic book store, and a few other places and I said, "What now?" because I was having a nice day out with him, and he was like, "There's nothing else, really."

The lack of options of things to do is obviously a little foreign to me, so I noticed we're getting into some different hobbies together to enjoy our time at home like building Legos and watching TV series together and filling out this book and this book I brought. I probably spend more time inside here than I did while I was back in Orange County. I'm doing okay right now and I honestly think it can go either way over time - either I start working and get out more and feel more functioning and I'll make friends (maybe), or I actually will just end up being bored, I don't know yet. It's hard to tell!

Nonmonogamy is like Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce: not for everyone and every situation, but excellent when it's right. And if someone is forcing you to have Mad Dog Ghost Pepper Sauce, something's not quite right.

It sounds like you're not cool with nonmonogamy in this situation, but you don't want to upset the relationship or your SO. At the very least, it sounds like you have some feelings about it that aren't entirely positive.

I would encourage you very, very strongly to talk with your SO about these feelings. Ethical nonmonogamy takes a lot of honest, difficult communication, and LDRs take a lot of communication, too. As someone who's poly, in a long distance relationship with my primary partner who has encounters outside of our relationship, I can say that it's one of the most difficult but rewarding things I've learned to do.

If you want further reading on nonmonogamy (and just relationships in general), I'd suggest The Ethical Slut by Easton & Hardy.

It sounds like you probably have an Anxious attachment style, and unfortunately LDRs can be extremely difficult for people with that attachment style - so please be kind to yourself. You're not selfish or useless, and you're in a tough situation so your feelings are understandable. If you can afford it, I'd definitely recommend therapy. But if not, do your best to find some good friends who can support you. I've also found EFT tapping very useful for dealing with overwhelming feelings, so it might be worth trying as you can learn it online for free here: EFT tapping

I'd recommend checking out 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, as well as 'Insecure in Love' by Leslie Becker-Phelps.

I found this book helpful: Love Me, Don't Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment and Building Lasting, Loving Relationships

Another one specifically about jealousy is 'The Jealousy Cure' by Robert Leahy.

This article is also a good starting point: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

Your words were so authentic and vulnerable. You've had a very traumatic loss which is surely one of the most unspeakable of life's losses. Please accept my sincerest condolences. I wish you all the best going forward in your life.

 

I put together a few resources that you may helpful or supportive (either now, or some point in the future when you're ready):

 

VIDEO

 
We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny

 
In a talk that's by turns heartbreaking and hilarious, writer and podcaster Nora McInerny shares her hard-earned wisdom about life and death. Her candid approach to something that will, let's face it, affect us all, is as liberating as it is gut-wrenching. Most powerfully, she encourages us to shift how we approach grief. "A grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again," she says. "They're going to move forward. But that doesn't mean that they've moved on."

 

PODCAST

 
There's also a podcast called "TERRIBLE,^(THANKS FOR ASKING)

 

• You know how when someone asks "How are you?" you just say "Fine,” even if you’re totally dying inside, so everyone can go about their day? “Terrible, Thanks For Asking” is the opposite of that. Nora McInerny asks real people to share their complicated and honest feelings about how they really are. It’s sometimes sad, sometimes funny, and often both. TTFA was named one of the best podcasts three years in a row by The Atlantic. The New York Times calls it "a gift to be able to listen."*
  
   
  
  BOOKS
  
  
• In the Presence of Grief: Helping Family Members Resolve Death, Dying, and Bereavement Issues
  
• Living With Grief After Sudden Loss
  
• Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss

Sure! As mentioned, I do think the book I linked before is the best one, but here are some others that I personally own:

• The Book of Questions
  
  
• If... Questions for the Game of Life
  
  
• If^2... 500 New Questions for the Game of Life
  
  
• The Book of Horrible Questions (this one is pretty depraved, so be advised it's not for everyone!)
  
  And there's this one, which I don't own but it might also be good:
  
  
• If^3... Questions for the Game of Love
  
  Lastly, I have the Q&A a Day journal and enjoy filling it out on my own. There's a Q&A a Day for couples that might be fun to fill out with your SO, among many other couples' journals.
  
  I think it'd be cool to have one copy of whichever journal for each person; they could be filled out independently and you could compare answers with your SO!

You need to read this book right now: The Passion Trap


Seriously. Devour it, especially the chapter on Communication. It will change you forever.

Second, I have a lot of advice in this area as of late due to my own learning experiences. I plan on writing a full on post about it to help out this community:

Communication is very important, but no one talks about what that actually means. It means different things to different people because, duh, people are different and have different communication styles. It's not as simple as "share your feelings as often as possible", "never bottle anything up", or "just talk about it" like most people seem to believe. The reality is that some people are turned off "just talking about it" or feel too pressured when someone else is constantly sharing their feelings, and so the mere mentioning of something is enough to build up unhealthy barriers.

With this in mind, you have to be able to recognize different personality styles and what how those personalities affect communication. Is the person artistic or more logical? Are they down to earth or in the clouds? Are they deep thinkers or emotional? Introverted or extroverted?

So, the short version is this: you have to recognize that these differences are all okay. None of them are wrong. You then have to be able to recognize how the other person sees each situation and adjust accordingly. Someone like you sees a "problem" in the communication, assumes it must mean something, and want to "correct" it. The reality is that your SO could be totally oblivious to this simply because what they've seen is something awesome and working just great! It doesn't make sense to you because of your own personality traits, but it also makes even less sense to them that you're so uptight about it.

Honestly it sounds like the "great sex" has caused a roller coaster of hormones and emotions that have thrown you both apart, subconsciously. Check out this book. Therefore even if it has unintended consequences that end this relationship, it doesn't have to mess up the rest.

25/M

He loves to cook so I was thinking about getting him themed recipe books. Since almost everyday he says he doesn't know what to make I was initially going to send him this cookbook. After searching I realized that some of the recipes require ingredients you wouldn't see on a day to day basis (and him not having the right ingredients to cook with is something complains about lol). So in the end I'll be sending him this cookbook instead since he loves bobs burgers and the recipes look reasonable :)

Book 1

Book 2

My wife and I used these books to help us through our long distance. We'll be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary this year.

Planning ahead helps relieve stress. It will also give you something to look forward to for your visits.

Edit: To fix link

The way you describe it as losing your other half... You should read Plato's Symposium. Specifically the translation done by Alexander Nehamas. As that is the one I have read. There is a lot of great insight on love and its different forms.
http://www.amazon.com/Plato-Symposium/dp/0872200760

Here's just a start.

I've seen this book, and I think I'm going to try it out. I've noticed that some of our phone conversations have silence snags. Want me to tell you how it is? :)

I've found that the only way I cope is having the next meeting planned before we part. It keeps me sane. I got the idea from this book which has been very helpful.

No, I don't understand. I don't suffer from anxiety and so I'll never know how it feels to spend that much time and energy worrying. You're right about that. I've had anxious moments, like going to sleep after his flight takes off and going through plane-crash scenarios in my head, but I don't know that magnitude of anxiety you describe.

Medication only takes you so far; the rest is re-training your brain. Have you asked your therapist for recommendations on managing your anxiety (possibly through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)?

You may want to check out the following book... My mother suffers from extreme anxiety and she says it's been very helpful: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Anxiety-Panicking-powerful-self-help-suffering/dp/1500117927/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1453068015

Most self-help books will teach you various techniques to accept your anxiety, rather than try to run away from it or ignore it as though it doesn't exist; and to teach you to focus on the anxiety within, which means accepting a loss of control over external worries.