(Part 2) Top products from r/NarcissisticAbuse

> I feel overwhelmingly guilty that I am ruining his life.

> If he made me cry from screaming at me

> I used to call them when he'd start scaring me really bad

> he wouldn't let me go celebrate

> He told me I was too sensitive

> He screamed at me

> he proceeded to use it for about 8 months without my knowledge

> I wanted something we both liked but that wasn't an option

> I wasn't allowed to be on my phone unless he was

> my feelings are invalidated

> He never let me spend money on myself

> act like he was such a philanthropist for childrens charity

> Would pressure me into having kids

> based his happiness on "things"

> He lost it when I got my old bed and a few items I had pre-marriage

> He wants me to pay for two of his credit cards and pay him alimony on top of all of this

> he bought a brand new laptop that month

> He also wants to get 75% of the profit from the house

Just wanted to pull these and make sure they are starkly listed out. Your husband is incredibly abusive. I am SO excited for the life you will have without him in it! :D What has helped me to feel better/less guilty is to thoroughly research narcissism. Once I understood that my N was a complete vampire and was just using me for adoration and power trips, my guilt began to recede. There are some good links in the sidebar, and there's a list of books that people have found helpful there, too. The most popular is "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

Also, start doing things for you. Do things you like or care about. It doesn't sound like he's given you much of a chance to do them. Best of luck, and feel free to hang out in this community! It's been super helpful for me as well as many others.

I recommend reading "A General Theory of Love" https://www.amazon.com/General-Theory-Love-Thomas-Lewis/dp/0375709223

One way to try to stop dating men is to try to figure out the dynamic and learn how to ID it early, and avoid those types of situations. But that doesn't change the fact that your status quo is to crave those situations that are unhealthy, but what you are most used to.

Another approach is to learn healthier attachment, to the point that what you want has fundamentally changed, and that the unhealthy patterns just don't do it for you any more.

The book I recommended is really great for getting an overview sense of how attachment works.

Then, trying to apply it to create situations where safe attachment can take place, and the other person(s) have a healthier, calmer limbic system than you. Therapy, healing friendships, healthy social situations--whatever situations can help "bring you up" to a more connected approach to the world.

Thanks. Healing will be a looooong process, especially for us who’ve been warped by these people’s behaviors for so long.

I was the same way (up/down/extreme) for months. It slowly improves. In fact the slowness is frustrating abut I accept it as what it is. And I’m so thankful for this sub, they got me through the worst events in my life and gave me hope! May never leave, hahaha

The therapy group I’m in now with same individual one I mentioned earlier, uses Linehan’s DBT handouts workbook and I can’t recommend it enough, it’s so helpful. It’s distress tolerance skills like breathing/mindfulness/relaxation but also helps you psychologically come to love yourself, be more realistic, and take control of our own minds. It’s active (fill in like a workbook) so it gets you reflecting on your situation in practical ways (as opposed to just another book).

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_72b2CbJDVNKFV

I hear free meetings like CoDa and NAMI and maybe at local DV places can be helpful too. I even found a group on Meetup for narcissistic abuse victims! So that’s another non therapy possibility!

Best of luck. It’s hard. But so worth it. Don’t look back and worry what they think, because they don’t understand AT ALL!

She doesn’t sound like a true narcissist but somebody that has an avoidant attachment style. Also sounds like you have an anxious attachment style ( I also have this). I recommend reading the book Attached to learn more about yourself and it’ll help you for falling into relationships with women like her. The book explains how people with avoidant attachment style are hot and cold, push you away, and talk about their ex’s. Narcissists normally lack empathy and exploit people for their own gain. They see you as an object in their reality and not like a real person.

I wanted to recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad. Massively, massively helpful for my own situation, and I think it will be a great help for you, too. It doesn't just focus on the narcissist, it also discusses the caretaker role along with practical advice on how to cope with, manage, or leave the narcissist.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/

Thank you. My friends mean well but you’re right. It’s a lot to put on them. Meeting with an attorney is a scary thought... I know if I even mention divorce she’ll want to pick the attorney and control everything... and that’s even if we make it that far and she doesn’t hoover me back with some diabolical plan I can’t even comprehend. She must know something is up. I’m acting so odd. I have not said the N word to her but she must know something. In many ways she is emotionally immature so I’ll keep her in the dark for my benefit.

I’ve been working through some of the PTSD symptoms with my therapist and they’re manifesting as nightmares an anxiety/panic attacks. I’m reading a book on narcissism right now and the chapters on control and manipulation are like reliving my entire married life as a horror story. I feel like I want to throw up. I’m afraid of her. I’m seeing her for who she truly is, what her father did to her. On a side note, it’s a fantastic book.

Yah, NC is the only way to go.

And I think you are close with the analogy to addiction. This book has been of great help to me, and it discussed how the neurological effects of a breakup are similar to drug withdrawal.

https://www.amazon.com/Exaholics-Breaking-Your-Addiction-Love/dp/145491825X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1478700917&sr=8-1&keywords=exaholics

My therapist recommended this Boundaries book (can get it on amazon pretty cheap) and it has been a really good read. They have expansions such as Boundaries in marriage, family and kids. I needed this after I was discarded and still would let my nex and his flying monkeys push my boundaries. boundaries book

It is a gift now that you are away from him. He may have taken physical things from you, but he can never take away your strength, courage, tenacity, or your many virtues.

Don’t allow him to make you feel any lesser than you were when he met you. It’s all an illusion. There’s this quote:

you were a dragon long before
he came around and said
you could fly

you will remain a dragon
long after he's left

You can do this. You are a strong capable human being. Don’t give up and don’t feel discouraged. You can literally achieve anything you set your mind to

Stay no contact. These losers aren’t worth even a moment of your time/energy.

Work on healing your depression (regular excercise, omega 3s, eBaying activity to avoid rumination, sunlight exposure, social support, and sleep)
This is advice from the following book:
https://www.amazon.com/Depression-Cure-6-Step-Program-without/dp/0738213888/ref=nodl_

Yoga really helped me heal from narc abuse

After my last relationship with ANOTHER toxic person I started seeking out answers as to why I attract toxic people. I came across this book “The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap” by Ross Rosenberg and it was really eye opening. I won’t get into details here but check it out.

I was just going to post that book.

Here’s the link if anyone is interested:

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_QRMyCbJSSTKBR

I'm not Chinese, but that does match stories I've heard about the way Chinese people raise their kids unfortunately. But whether or not they should raise their children this way is something that even the Chinese are beginning to doubt.

I think a good way to subtly argue this point with your friend is to buy her a copy of the book Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. The author describes how she tried to raise her own daughters in the typical Chinese manner and the resulting heartaches the led her to change her mind.

I did a 1 year university course, and all the essay writing & going to class just caused the depression to lift quite a bit. It could be neuroplasticity,

Exercise, mindfulness training, positive psychology, behavioural therapy works. This book helped. You need to recognise the behaviour patterns.

Honestly any personality disorder is a road to disaster. They are very hard to treat.

Try this

Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them without Stooping to Their Level https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071410228/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_84RszbFD86HAT

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245131/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_nUmkDbSDHCFXF

Let me know if that works. I was scared at first because DBT has a connection to cluster B people and I was trying to get away from one! Ack!

But I ultimately learned how to distract myself and calm myself down I was goi g stir crazy obsessing over that horrible man.