(Part 2) Top products from r/TwoXSex

I highly recommend the book Healing Sex. I've read a lot of sexual assault/abuse survivor self-help books, but this is the only one that ever made me go "oh. fuck. that's exactly what I experience".

It's been just under two years since I got out of a horrible abusive relationship (as if there's any other kind). Your description of having sensations that vanish with proximity to your vagina sounds a lot like what I experience. I don't want to bullshit you and say everything is perfect now, but it is sooooooo much better. Two years ago, I basically never actually felt what was going on with my genitals. I could orgasm, but if I tried to pay attention to the physical sensations I came up with nothing. It was like answering the phone and there being silence on the other end.

>[B]uilding your tolerance for being in your body and experiencing physical pleasure is a central component of this healing. This is an intentional practice, especially in the beginning...
>—Staci Haines, Healing Sex

It turns out that what I was experiencing is called dissociation. My concept of dissociation had been limited to the extreme examples in the DSM, such as dissociative fugue. Because I'd never wandered off and forgotten my name, I didn't think of dissociation as consistent with my experience. In actuality, dissociation encompasses a huge range of experiences; persistent feelings of disconnection from one's body is one of them. (Lots of time at the library going "fuuuuuck... that's not normal???" has revealed that even more of my experiences than that are dissociative, but that would be a lengthy tangent. Anyone reading this, please PM if you want to talk further about dissociation!)

Using several of the techniques and exercises in Healing Sex, I started to be able to feel more sensation. Honestly, at first, this was terrifying as fuck. I dived in sort of all at once, and ended up having a severe flashback. After that, I slowed down and I also talked with my partner about what I had been discovering and what I strategies I was trying. As I had rudely learned the first time I tried it, actually feeling things in this traumatized area of my body was overwhelming (spoiler alert: that explains why I'd been unconsciously blocking it out for years). It took about six months to get to a place where I could consistently feel full genital sensations without getting flashbacks.

What I had the most difficulty with was continuing to tolerate sensations after I had finished the activities that caused them. Everything would feel amazing during sex, but when I would start to "come down" the lingering tingly sensations would turn menacing and trigger a flashback, which was especially hard to deal with while my brain wasn't quite clear yet. It was often really helpful to have my partner place their hand over my vulva and hold firm and still (because that kind of pressure was a familiar and nonthreatening feeling); we would stay cuddling like this until all of the other sensations had passed. Verbally describing the sensations also helped. And the simple reassurance that everything was safe was important.

Now, the post-orgasm high is my favorite part of sex. Of course I love the orgasms (and they've gotten better and better too!), but the sustained whole-body tingling and brain fogginess afterwards are utter bliss. I still usually need reassurance that I'm safe, but it is consistently completely effective. When I feel slivers of panic creeping in, I'll ask, "Are you sure it's safe?" or, "I'm so tingly. That's good, right?" and their confirmation is enough to let me sink back into making little happy noises. They usually offer proactive reassurances as well.

In the last year, I haven't had a single post-sex flashback. AND Feeling my entire body during sex is the norm. The journey has been hard, and during the six months of frequent flashbacks I often felt like I was losing ground, but it has been so worth it. Words couldn't do justice to how wonderful sex is now. I can have mind-blowing pleasure any time I want. Because, I almost forgot to mention, masturbating also feels fucking incredible. I used to be a maybe-once-a-month masturbator, and I usually ended up feeling like it had been a waste of effort anyway. Now I masturbate daily. I would go at it more than once a day, but the brain floatiness makes me useless for anything else, so I mostly stick to just evenings. ;)

I hope my story has served as some encouragement. Please feel free to contact me if you have any desire to. I'm wishing you all the best, and I believe in you. <3

To end with another quote from Staci,
>Your own sexual energy is not too big for you now.

Other people have already said some of these things, but I'm going to write my whole opinion all in one place.

First, you are brave for reaching out! If you aren't into sex or sexy things, talking about it can be incredibly awkward. Being willing to ask is an awesome first step. One that note, if you are bookish, try buying some cheap books off of amazon that talk about this stuff. I know I always like learning from books. I think I read The Guide to Getting it On while I was in college and found it very useful.

Second, like some people have said, take some time to get to know your body naked. Run you hands across your boobs, down your sides, and along your sides. Also, get to know your vulva/vagina. It might help to grab a mirror and just see what's down there. (I'm totally serious.) If you don't shave or trim, consider cutting some of your hair off so you can get a better look. And make sure it's clean. Then try gently stroking your lips, hood, clitoris to see what feels good.

Third, buy yourself a vibrator. I would recommend something like the Silver Bullet because it's cheap and is clit focused (you probably don't need one meant for penetration yet, but to each her own.) Once again, just play around with it and see what feels good.

Good luck! Have fun! Be self-indulgent, this is all about finding what about you feels good to you.

What you gotta do is bottle up those laid back parts of yourself. Put those aspects of you that don’t fit into a little mental box and lock it up real right and bury it in your psyche. Then, you pretend to have this personality that your girlfriend and her parents demand. Practice it every day, all the time, unto you can’t remember being any other way. If you get depressed over changing yourself for other people, bottle that up too.

Personally I don’t think it’s wise to change who you are for other people, but that’s what you’re asking for. There’s this thing poly people call new relationship energy that non-poly people should be aware of imho. That exciting new relationship may seem like it’s perfect and right, and you may ignore red flags because “Love”. People who’ve been in long relationships will tell you that love is not enough to keep a relationship stable and content. You have to have the same general goals such as lifestyle and where you want to live and how many kids you want. You need to be somewhat sexually compatible. Finally and most important you need to accept yourself and the other person as they are, as they grow and change through life (because the both of you will evolve).

You don’t give your age but you sound kinda young. You gotta ask if being the domineering person they expect is something you want to become or if it’s something you want to maintain for the unforeseeable future. Yes it’s possible with practice to modify behavior, but being that kind of person can stain other casual relationships and any future romantic ones. Being domineering doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Controlling people are rarely just controlling at home. Setting aside how you feel about this girl is this the style of relationship you really want? You get a say in this too ya know.

As far as you et question about BDSM, it may or may not be an outlet for feeling controlled. People into that kind of sex play don’t do it for any single trope reason. Only she can tell you why she’s into it. Btw, all that she’s asking you to do, to change for her and for her family, all of that is her topping you, taking control of you. She’s demanding you give up your agency of choice in being who you are to instead play a role, to appear to be the dominant man in public and her submissive in private. You aren’t coming to any of this with a choice, it sounds more like an ultimatum to me. ‘To be with me you must be what I demand’ is not a relationship that consists of equals. You may order her around in the public aspects of home and for her parents. But… yeah dude you’re totally the sub in this situation.

You say ‘don’t tell me go break up, I love her’. Ok… I’ll just say that relationships with these kinds of fundamental problems don’t magically heal themselves over time. What is want to see is some agency from her to accept you as you are, to her parents and to herself. You say you’re a laid back dude, why isn’t she ok with you as you are? The sex stuff is a separate issue, I would suggest reading a few books like Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns to learn about responsible kink play, and I’d suggest checking the kink subs, and she should too since she wants to top you and she need to understand what that means so nobody gets injured. Btw. In a top/bottom kink relationship/scene, it’s the bottom who sets the limits and controls the scene. Not the top. If she doesn’t get that, that’s a huge red flag.

If you haven’t you should talk to your RL friends about this, especially ones that know her too, and check in. Love makes us stupid. You may not feel this way now but it’s really a bad idea to engage in toxic behavior for a relationship. That shit will taint you with a stain that’s not easy to remove, even with therapy

Good luck.

It's mostly your husbands fault. Mostly because you shouldn't expect a woman to work like "Hey, let's have sex!". As your example demonstrates it works some times. Only some times.

Seems like you have no communication problem, because as you write:

> 2) Say yes. Husband is excited. If I'm able to get into the mood, everything goes well. If I'm not, I'm stuck in the awkward position of either derailing the train and saying that I'm not up for sex after all (Husband is sad), or powering through sex that I'm not enjoying (Wife is sad).

But this "powering through sex" is pretty avoidable. It will ruin your relationship. You will feel like an object, he will first get disappointed because he can't pleasure you, then he might not give a damn about your pleasure and label it as your fault. So giving him a hand job is still better than "powering through". But it is still for the short term.

You should look for educational videos first. Don't go for "How to make her have the biggest orgasm of her life and pass out" kinda things. Look for something about how to turn a woman on. Like "
Nina Hartley's Guide To Making Love To Women
" Or even better, visit this website where people ask for any advice.

Look for amateur porn. I mean amateur, where the picture isn't professional, and the couple doesn't do it for a living like a fake cam couple. You're a woman, so you're the best to judge whether the woman in the video is having fun, or wants him to believe that she's having fun. Few good amateur ones:

• Some neck play
  
  
• Couple having a little morning sex
  
  
• Some czech amateurs
  
  There are also some female oriented professional ones where the women is built up and pleased:
  
  
• Dane Jones
  
  
• Or a pornstar doing her own BF
  
  
• Couples doing porn together (e.g. Miela/Marry Queen and her BF)
  
  
• Some actors can have good chemistry with the actress (e.g. George Uhl)
  
  
• Some FemaleAgent videos. Like this one with Gina Devine
  
  Or if you have more time read a book.
  
  Anyway, you have to find out what feels good for you. Then you can teach him what you like. From your description it seems like he isn't the adventurous type.

You might check out The Gift of Sex. It's written by a husband and wife couple who both came from pretty repressive backgrounds...I remember laughing pretty hard when they talk about that being their big rebellion when they got married, that they were going to try EVERYTHING. Sounds like a good one to me!

They are a clinical therapist and nurse respectively, and have a couple of chapters that specifically address some of your issues. The problems of growing up with a view of it being dirty, and some practical steps to become more comfortable with your own body. They also have a chapter or two devoted to women who are non orgasmic. It might be a good read for you regardless of what your faith upbringing was, it can be helpful hearing from people who have sympathetic experiences.

Extra long foreplay, and if possible, edging. If not edging, then perhaps just long, slow, drawn out stimulation. You want to be as mentally aroused as you are physically aroused, and you want to be in a place where you're feeling "desperate" to come. That, and experimenting with speed and pressure like you've been doing :)

Some people also swear by stimulating gels or creams, I hear Foria's marijuana infused oil is good for this, but it's still illegal almost everywhere.

There are different products you can get online or in sex stores, though, that promise to increase blood flow to that area and maybe give a nice tingle. User experience varies depending on the product too. I have had good results with Shunga in the past, where as my friends that had the same stuff didn't.

Take a gander at The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. It's worth it to read it through if you've been abused, I found it was great for getting me to think about sex in a more positive way, which in turn lead to more sex :) There are, maybe more importantly, partner exercises close to the end of the book that are erotic without the actual PIV sex which could boost your sex drive.

Definitely say something! I think the two of you need to have a discussion about this when you are NOT in the bedroom or watching porn-ish movie scenes. You need to find a way to separate the fantasy and dirty talk from the actual discussion about this.

Don't be afraid to put your cards in the table. Tell her your concerns.

I identified as straight for many years. I'm in a hetero marriage. But now I consider myself bisexual and I've had relationships with women. It is clear to me that if I'd met Ms. Right instead of Mr. Right, I would have identified as lesbian. But I often think trying to define sexually is just.... Semantics. Your wife is interested in some sort of experimentation with you, and you two need to decide if it is staying as fantasy (dirty talk in her ear) or if it'll possibly happen someday.

I highly recommend the book Opening Up to help you both have a better discussion about these sorts of things.

Read The Purity Myth. Purity is imaginary, virginity has no concrete definition (some people think only penis-in-vagina counts, so lesbians are virgins forever. Some people think hand jobs count, so you may not be a virgin by their standards). You're not a virgin, you're a person. Some people have had sex, you can be one of those people.

I had sex for the first time and loved it. Someone else had sex for the first time with a long-term boyfriend, hated it (she was really small and it hurt a lot), but eventually started liking it. Another friend had sex for the first time with someone she'd only known a little while to "get it out of the way." None of us regret it, because it was just another thing we did. I feel like you can only regret having sex as much as you could regret eating too much pie or buying a yellow cat instead of a brown cat. It's just another decision you make in life. If you really want to have sex, and so does your partner (and if you're safe about it!) then it's a good decision.

Seconding the open/poly lifestyle; if you can adjust, it's fucking fantastic for those of us with higher sex drives. Check out The Ethical Slut for that perspective. Sexual incompatibility doesn't need to spell the end of a relationship, or settling for less sex than you need. Perhaps you just need to supplement (openly and honestly).

Watch this.

And if you can, order her book.

I don't buy that there is always a "deeper relationship issue" when people aren't having sex. Sometimes couples have awesome friendships and relationships but the sexual spark is gone.

That gif sums it up well.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B001FSKO9I/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/277-9474636-7321335

But really tell me wwhy that is a good first choice.

Blow Each Other Away is a fun book. Also The Guide to Getting It On.

This book is awesome - and if you ever get a chance to see the author speak, do so.

Sorry, I was wrong, we actually use Slippery Stuff. I used to use Liquid Silk, but my boyfriend does a lot of butt play so we needed a large quantity :V Maybe it's time to go back to Liquid Silk.

Kyolic candida cleanse and digestion
Kyolic Aged Garlic Extract™ Candida Cleanse and Digestion Formula102 -- 200 Vegetarian Capsules https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00028LPHC/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_b8w6CbMK332E6

Use it together. Stand by the side of the bed w/ her on her back, legs spread. Press against her so that your balls press against her labia and your cock is on top of her mons. Vibe her pussy THROUGH your cock by putting the HMW on top of your cock. In other words, turn it into a shared experience rather than 'here…fix your broken pussy'

You might also invest in a lamp dimmer to give you vibe intensity options other than high, low and off.