Reddit Reddit reviews Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

We found 109 Reddit comments about Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
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109 Reddit comments about Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships:

u/Drop_ · 28 pointsr/sex

Talk to her about it before giving into her request.

You need to figure this out, as you have some well justified insecurities about it (seeing your SO enjoy someone more than they seemingly ever enjoyed you would be devastating).

Sex isn't a defining part of a relationship, but it is a critical one for the most part. If you didn't enjoy the experience you should think about it and discuss it with her.

I keep telling people to read this book when it comes to non-monogamous things in relationships. I think you would benefit from doing so as it would make it easier to understand your feelings and to articulate them and your concerns to your SO.

You need to stall or delay or straight up tell her what you've said here:

>I don't want to make this part of our normal repertoire

You can look into it more, but if you don't want this to be a normal thing you shouldn't let it become one.

u/lemonylips · 24 pointsr/nonmonogamy

First of all, your emotions are not unfounded. They may not be emotions that you want to act on or that you feel proud of- but any jealousy or discomfort or anger or confusion you feel is valid and not something to discredit or disregard especially this early in the game. Suppressing emotions isn't healthy in a monogamous relationship (or even when you're single really) and it's super not healthy in a non-monog one. You can be jealous. You can feel hurt. That doesn't make you bad at non-monogamy or whatever.

You may want to think about why you're feeling the way you are. Your emotions aren't appearing out of thin air- they're probably attached to fears and fantasies about what this all might bring in the future. examine that. Maybe you need a greater time commitment from your boyfriend even if it can't be physical. Maybe you need to set up regular skype dates. Maybe you need him not to sleep with your friends. Maybe you need to be sleeping with someone yourself. Maybe you need a new hobby to help assert your individuality and independence. Maybe you need more reminders that you're sexy. Who knows. Think about it.

You might also be interested in reading a book like Opening Up by Tristain Taormino. I'm sure there are many other good books on non-monogamy and polyamory but that's just the one I'm familiar with. I know that hearing the struggles and joys of other non-monogamous couples can be comforting and can help put your own struggles in perspective. That book also has a few chapters that directly address common issues in open relationships that I found helpful.

u/kinsfw · 23 pointsr/GoneWildTube

Not everyone sees a feeling of possessiveness, jealousy, or even sexual exclusivity, to be a positive thing in a relationship. Some people enjoy sex in groups, some people enjoy a variety of partners. That doesn't mean those people can't have healthy, fulfilling romantic relationships with other consenting adults.

I mean, if you really are curious about how people have healthy relationships like this, I would recommend this short book about open and/or group relationships. It has interviews/profiles of a variety of different non-monogamous relationships: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Most people would find the idea of sharing their sex videos with strangers to be pretty "weird" or "wrong," but without that then this subreddit wouldn't even exist, right?

u/chasingthewiz · 21 pointsr/polyamory

Start by reading the /r/polyamory FAQ if you haven't yet.

There are many good books out there, and reading any of these will help fill in a lot of blanks for you:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love

The Polyamory Toolkit: A Guidebook for Polyamorous Relationships

Building Open Relationships: Your hands on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond!

If you like listening to podcasts, there are a couple good ones I follow: Multiamory Podcast and Polyamory Weekly.

Go slow, read lots, and follow your heart.

u/[deleted] · 14 pointsr/polyamory

Buy or borrow a copy of the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino, and read it with your girlfriend. It is a great guide for a neophyte such as yourself - it will cover practically all of your bases.

http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

u/notmyrealemail · 13 pointsr/datingoverthirty

I'm still not sure if your problem was with her actual phrasing or the phrase she probably meant to type. Try reading up, maybe. The Ethical Slut. Opening Up. It's ok if it's not for you, no need to complain about it though.

There are dozens of reasons I lose interest or let the conversation fade. Sometimes it's something innocuous that leaves a bad taste. Sometimes I realize I'm not invested at all and don't care how the person is doing/feeling/answers random questions. Often though, I just get busy and have no time to bother anymore.

One thing that has turned me off to OLD lately isn't even OLD. It's this sub and the constant barrage of people saying they've had enough of OLD. It'll never end. Forever alone. Ugh. Any kind of dating is what you make of it. Of course it gets to be much at times and people need breaks. Before OLD breaks were just being single and making yourself happy. Or being single and downing a bottle of wine during TGIF and sobbing a bit at Urkel. Now it's some big ordeal that we all have to whine about on the internet. I think I've just been spending too much time in this sub. It been a little bit daily for a while. I much more liked my once a week or less fill. /rant

Go commiserate with friends for a bit. Take the break. There's a whole ocean of people out there. But don't pick any of them, they're probably all dead.

u/andthecrash · 12 pointsr/TwoXSex

Definitely say something! I think the two of you need to have a discussion about this when you are NOT in the bedroom or watching porn-ish movie scenes. You need to find a way to separate the fantasy and dirty talk from the actual discussion about this.

Don't be afraid to put your cards in the table. Tell her your concerns.

I identified as straight for many years. I'm in a hetero marriage. But now I consider myself bisexual and I've had relationships with women. It is clear to me that if I'd met Ms. Right instead of Mr. Right, I would have identified as lesbian. But I often think trying to define sexually is just.... Semantics. Your wife is interested in some sort of experimentation with you, and you two need to decide if it is staying as fantasy (dirty talk in her ear) or if it'll possibly happen someday.

I highly recommend the book Opening Up to help you both have a better discussion about these sorts of things.



u/ilikemarmite · 12 pointsr/actuallesbians

Have you thought about a poly relationship? There are plenty of people who don't have sexual relationships with their primary partner, but do maintain a serious connection and life together. This can be because of mismatched kinks, sexuality, sex drive, physical disability, whatever. If you have a great life together otherwise, why get rid of it? I'm bi, I'm married with kids, I have a girlfriend who I love dearly (who happens to also be married) and my life is full of joy. I never really explored my sexuality until we decided to open up our relationship and honestly, it's been easier to explore because I have my marriage to hide behind if I need to. My husband is so supportive and accepting, it's really nice.

If a non-monogamous relationship seems like something that might work for you, I would suggest reading the book Opening Up. The only people who can define your marriage are you and your husband.

You have one shot at life, do it right and be happy, lady. :)

u/live_wire_ · 12 pointsr/lgbt

You do stand a chance of pulling it off but first some reading:

  1. The Ethical Slut

  2. Opening Up

  3. r/polyamory

    Not necessarily in that order.
u/Polyexperiment · 11 pointsr/polyamory

I am not equipped to help you out here because a lot of what you're saying doesn't sound like a good enough situation to be voluntarily testing the breaking points for a relationship on top of it all. There's a lot of tension in your lives that you might want to resolve a bit first. If you're open to it - actually, really, open to it, you both need to talk about it and all of the issues you've got already and how to resolve those as well as mediate your insecurities and boundaries.

One thing though:

>I don’t want to demand that he only see someone else x days a week cause that’s kinda shitty

This isn't, by any means, a one size fits all relationship style - it's fairly anarchic. You get to make your own rules. Especially to start, it sounds like you are going to need a lot of extra attention paid to you to reaffirm that your bond is strong and you feel special. He needs to be there to do that and he should want to because he loves you and wants you to be happy too. Ensuring that you have appropriate time for each other is absolutely key.

My wife and I have rules about how many dates per week are appropriate because we want to ensure that neither of us feels neglected by the other. We want to make sure we both feel special and loved and enjoy all that new relationship energy and intimacy with others without guilt or worry.

That's what's great about all this - you can tailor your relationship to fit your desires and needs. But it's work.

Do yourself a favor and check out these resources:

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

The Ethical Slut

and this one that I just discovered and is awesomely helpful for dealing with jealousy (which you are like 99% guaranteed to feel):
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola

Don't go into this lightly or on a whim, please communicate with each other and ensure that this is what you want. You can go forward, but you cannot go back the way you came and assume you'll end up where you started.

u/wakko666 · 10 pointsr/polyamory

I disagree. The Ethical Slut doesn't adequately discuss committed relationships. It's old, dated, and only covers a very specific and somewhat tangential topic: how to sleep around ethically.

The book she wants is Opening Up, which actually covers polyamory, compersion, mono-poly, polyfidelity, and other topics that are far more relevant to her situation.

u/potator · 9 pointsr/polyamory

Hi guys. The Ethical Slut is certainly the cannon for polyamorists, but my favorite book on the subject has been Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Be safe, have fun.

u/izjustsayin · 9 pointsr/polyamory

I think it's great that you're willing to look into polyamory even though your first experience with it was not so great.

I don't think that this girl handled her relationships badly, necessarily. She was honest and upfront with you about everything she wanted and did. She may need some time management skills and some general communication skills, but from your story, it didn't seem like she was unfair to you. I get how being told you are not her "main" boyfriend could have been painful, but maybe she was just trying to make sure you understood that her commitment is first and foremost to him and she wanted to be clear that she wasn't going to leave him for you. Some people go into relationships with polyamorous people thinking that if they love them enough, they'll be able to convert them to monogamy (which can happen, but might not too).

>I feel like this could have worked out if only I had been less insecure and not solely dependent on her for my relationship needs. Slowly I was managing to get rid of my jealous insecurities, and I even now question their rationality. I don't know that I could be in a poly relationship with this girl, but I can feel that it has definitely changed how I will approach future relationships.


You will probably never 100% "get rid" of jealous insecurities. We all have them from time to time. The difference for poly people is that we understand that jealousy is an emotion that stems from a fear of losing something. We will self analyze and work through what it is we're scared of losing, and seek reassurance when needed. Some people in poly have jealousies around their main partner, others have no jealousies with their main partner but tons with their secondary partner, etc. It's different for everyone, but it's important to get some insight into WHY you're feeling that way and go from there.


>How did you all come to be polyamorous? Was there some definitive experience, or did you just kinda know it was what you wanted?

I didn't know the word when I became polyamorous. I just knew that I had developed feelings for other people besides my husband. It started out as a sexual relationship mostly, but developed into more. We all thought that we weren't looking for "relationships" with other people, just sex with other people. Once we decided sex with just each other (I'm in a quad of 2 married couples), strong feelings of love developed. We decided to go for it, and research led us to the poly community.

You'll probably hear from more than one person, to read "Opening Up" and "The Ethical Slut". Probably the best books out there about open relationships/polyamory.

Edit: Content

u/seirhne · 8 pointsr/sex
  1. You're not greedy or selfish, if you're being open, communicative, and receptive to your partner's needs
  2. Who says being a slut is a bad thing??

    Perhaps you and your SO would benefit from reading the following books together: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, and Open Relationships.

    Sex at Dawn gives a great evolutionary perspective on why some of us crave multiple lovers, The Ethical Slut will make you embrace your slutdom as long as you're ethical about it (which it sounds like you are!), and though I haven't yet read Opening Up, I hear it's a great how-to guide for open relationships and communication.
u/Veeks · 7 pointsr/polyamory

First and foremost, monogamy does not mean you will not feel desire for other women. You will always feel desire for other women - monogamy is the choice to not act on those desires.

That said, if you're thinking of looking into non-monogamy, that's awesome. Especially since you know it would make your girlfriend happy. Some recommended reading: Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. Also, give the Savage Lovecast a listen.

Think hard about how you cope with jealousy - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Think hard about how you'd manage your time - then talk to your girlfriend about it. Talk about what boundaries the two of you would have - can you have other relationships, or just sex outside the relationship? Find the guidelines and compromises that work for you two. Be willing to rework them once you try it and see what works and what doesn't for you two.

Do what makes you happy, and make sure your girlfriend is happy too. That's the bottom line.

u/ephrion · 7 pointsr/sex

Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.

Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!

With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.

u/Cottontail_ · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Ugh. There is a reason we say "ethical non-monogamy". Cheating, not telling you, then thrusting you into an open marriage when it's not what you want is totally unethical and a super duper jerk move in my book.

I feel for you. And I can be empathetic towards her. Perhaps she only recently has come to accept that she isn't heterosexual, maybe she's dealt with a lot of sex and slut shaming growing up, and she hasn't been honest with her emotions. And I can see a reality where she just kinda exploded in a messy way and didn't know how to navigate this lovingly in a way that made you feel safe.

The way that this came up is completely devastating and you are valid to have your hurts, loss of trust, and fears.

But I still wanna smack the back of her hands. Bad wife, bad!

That being said...

There are a number of ways for you guys to explore non-monogamy if you'd like. Swinging, "open while traveling", poly, etc. She did open the door the for you guys to communicate about what you want and how to grow together, and that is awesome.

You may want to read

u/not_margaret · 6 pointsr/polyamory

The Ethical Slut is helpful, but if you'd like to open an existing relationship, Opening Up is much more helpful, in my opinion.

u/dunimal · 6 pointsr/relationships

Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.

Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.

In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.

If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.

Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.


http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242969&sr=8-1
Great little book.


http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-16
Decent

u/GutterMaiden · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I began identifying as being poly when I realized that, when I try it, monogamy simply does not work for me, and ... strangely, the relationships that do work for me, are with other people who are interested in a poly or poly like relationship dynamic. This doesn't mean when I meet people I think are cute I ask them about being poly and that effects whether or not I want to date them, it just happens to be that I meet people who are I think are cute and we start dating and then they talk to me about being poly. I guess I just have good polydar?

To me, being poly is really fucking hard, but being monogamous is even harder.

When I was in highschool, I had a huge crush on a girl, who had a crush on me. Then I met a boy, who I developed a huge crush on, who also had a crush on me, and also had a crush on the girl I had a crush on. The solution seemed so obvious to me, I couldn't understand how no one else could see it. Nothing came of this because I was a big wuss in high school.

This girl sounds like kind of a jerk, but I think you know that, You should read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut.

Some types of polyamory don't work for some people. For example, I loath being a part of a hierarchy, no matter where I am on the totem pole - but it makes sense when one couple has children together or life goals. I would never get involved in that at this point in my life. In my past relationship, I felt secure knowing my partner loved me in a completely different way than her other partner, I valued the type of love she had for me more than the type of love she had for her other partner, but I didn't need or want her to rate it.

u/antagonisticjam · 6 pointsr/relationships

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.


Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.


Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.


I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!

u/BUTTSTALL1ON · 6 pointsr/askgaybros

Relax a bit. Stop worrying and start talking.

Yes, this sort of relationship (called a "triad") can work out in the long-term. One thing that folks seem to forget is that it's not just a three-way relationship: there are actually four relationships going on here.

  1. You + boyfriend
  2. You + new guy
  3. Boyfriend + new guy
  4. You + boyfriend + new guy

    And you have to think about all three of those. The most important question is do you actually want this?

    I'm at work so I don't have much time at the moment, but I HIGHLY recommend that you all read Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. It's a great resource for newly open relationships.
u/wolfsboi · 5 pointsr/askgaybros

Talk talk talk. That's the secret to any relationship - esp poly.

Poly means different things to different people. There is no one correct way. Poly is what you and partners decide it is. Everyone has different reasons about why they are poly.

Personally, I think that it is cruel to expect everything I want from one person. I have enough love to share and my lovers all have different roles in my life. I tired poly when I was not ready and got consumed by jealousy and relationship drama. We make mistakes and we learn. It takes a LOT of emotional maturity, patience, and trust to be in a healthy poly relationship. Poly is not for everyone and it doesn't need to be. Nothing wrong with monogamy if that's your thing.

I think people are more fascinated with the idea of poly. And reality is not always that glamorous. So many people want a quick peep into the lifestyle. The taboo is alluring. But many people also cannot get over the possessiveness and insecurity. No matter how secure you are in yourself and how strong your relationship is, being in a real life poly situation will bring up insecurities and challenge your relationship. If you both work on it together, you will become more close and trusting of each other. It can also drive a wedge between you both.

I would also suggest any of the the below books.

u/ellemenopeaqu · 5 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

/u/ScientistInTheSheets is dead on, you need to see the person as more than a sex object. Not saying you are, but it's an easy trap to fall into. You'll hear things about unicorn hunting and hot-bi-babes for a reason. While some folks are happy to jump in a bed, that's a vulnerable act for many of us, and we want to know where we will stand in the morning. Developing friendships is really helpful there.

Honest communication throughout is really important, between everyone involved.

Knowing what you're looking for - sexy time fun or a romantic partner? For you or both of you? Kinky or more vanilla? One time thing or ongoing? I understand your SO is not being super communicative, but this is stuff you really want to discuss before hand. And then discuss some more.



Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good read on consensual nonmonogamy and has many different perspectives on the subject.

u/KrissyNovacaine · 5 pointsr/mypartneristrans

I've been in an open relationship for about 9 years.

There's no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to figure out what works for them. We tell each other everything and almost exclusively date and play together. Others do everything separately.

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

And maybe this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587613379/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687762&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=157344295X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=YCQ4324KQD8W090HRZTG

But absolutely the first one.

You need to be able to talk about everything. Deepest fears, expectations, fantasies. Open, honest communication is so important to making this work. Good, clear, respectful boundaries and guidelines help as well.

u/overand · 4 pointsr/polyamory

Good luck!

To sound like a bot - I really suggest you all read the BASIC FAQ and INTRO stuff at www.morethantwo.com

And if you're into books, some options include:

u/Squingle · 4 pointsr/trees

Let the downvotes come, but why is asking someone to be in an open relationship a bad thing? I am an open relationship and it is the single best relationship I have had. It seems like you have already decided to be lonely and single, but if you love her why not do some research? Opening Up and /r/NonMonogamy are good places to start.

It isn't easy and it is not for everyone, but there are other option besides getting stoned and feeling sorry for yourself.

EDIT: Reading back my last sentence sounds a bit more harsh then I intended. Don't get me wrong, when I am feeling down the first thing I do is pack a bowl and grab a controller. I just wanted to be contstructive.

u/Aegist · 4 pointsr/sex

I would still recommend getting the book "Opening Up". I know you said you aren't interested in an open relationship, but the thing is, you seem to be assuming that there are only two options: open or not-open, but the reality is that "anything you can think of" is a genuine relationship option.

Of Opening Up: "Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men, Opening Up explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships"

This is very useful mostly because it helps you to break through the standard assumption that there is monogamy and open, and it is either all or nothing. This isn't true at all, and there are infinite ways to arrange your relationship.

http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

u/mrs-darling · 4 pointsr/sex

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&psc=1&refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

u/the_privateer · 4 pointsr/polyamory

Keep in mind that being poly is not just about having sex, and definitely not about just having sex with strangers.
You can be poly and never end up in bed with a strange person. Or even never be in a threesome

A good start is to get educated. Check out http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X - it may clear up some misconceptions for you. There's also faq in the sidebar.

u/gregbrahe · 3 pointsr/polyamory

[Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships]
(http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/157344295X?pc_redir=1404362674&robot_redir=1)

u/mehrracct · 3 pointsr/sex

It's also worth checking out The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

u/hotwingbias · 3 pointsr/sex

Opening Up is also a good book to look into. It's a broad overview on open relationships in general, as well as polyamory, partnered monogamy and various other ways of looking at human sexuality.

Edited my previous comment because I was too lazy to give a brief description and an Amazon link...

u/johoso · 3 pointsr/OkCupid

Two things:

Don't be afraid to ask about it. Usually, something along the lines of "I noticed you're listed as seeing someone else, are you still looking for more people to date?" should suffice. Communication and transparency is paramount to the majority of poly people.

Secondly, if you've never been in a situation where polyamory is on the table, do some research; read this stuff:

Opening Up

The Ethical Slut

Sex at Dawn

Good luck!

u/Semiel · 3 pointsr/relationships

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

u/Fey_fox · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Where to begin? In general, you can start by reading up about this. One well recomended book is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and The Ethical Slut. I think reading about this would help you inform yourself about non-monogamy and help remove your bias, even if this lifestyle is not for you.

About that. You had one relationship that didn't work out too well, and then made a blanket decision about everyone who's non-monogamous because of that. That's not fair, it would be like being mad at all waiters because one gave you bad service, or hating a gay person because one gay person was inappropriate and aggressive towards you, or hating a race or nationality of folks because you had a bad experience with someone of that race. Your one non-monogamous experience with your ex is not indicative of all non-monogamous people or all non-monogamous relationships. You are not in the position to judge someone else's life path, you don't have enough information to do that. Some folks may be emotionally broken and unable to control their sexual impulses but they don't have to be non-monogamous to have these issues. There are plenty of non-monogamous folk that are cool, emotionally healthy and grounded, and respectful of their primary and secondary partners, just as there are folks who have healthy monogamous relationships. Blanket judgement doesn't help you wrap your head around the problem.

All that said, based off of your little post here it seems to me you are just getting to know this new lady, and you're talking about what interests you both sexually. You like her, and you want her to be happy, but you have to consider yourself as well. You may not be the kind of person who can handle a non-monogamous relationship. You may do everything right, communicate, make sure mutual trust is established and maintained, reassure each other when you're feeling insecure or inadequate, and still not be emotionally ok with the situation. We have to honor ourselves as well as be good giving and game to our partners. If you ignore those twinges and don't at the very least talk about what is bothering you, those feelings will fester. If I were to make a guess that might be a part in why the last relationship didn't work out.

At the beginning of every relationship trust needs to be established and built on, this may mean you will need her to be monogamous with you for a time. Maybe not forever, but for you to feel secure you need to know her and build that trust (and to give yourself time to learn more and to roll this around in your head). She may not be ok with that, she might want to start open and stay open always. If that's the case you two are not compatible, and that's ok. Better you find out now than to get yourself all twisted over something that will never work out. My point is that for you though, you clearly need time to establish trust and security at the very least, and you may never be emotionally ok with having your own relationship be open. She may be ok with that. Y'all need to talk this out and be clear about what you're ok with. Be clear with yourself too. You don't have to have all the answers, but you should at least be honest with her about what bothers you about this. Maybe you can work it out, but saying nothing will most likely lead to this not working out. Communication is the key to all successful relationships.

Good Luck

u/Malechus · 3 pointsr/polyamory

First of all, congratulations! It is an uncommon person who can look at this situation and place the happiness and welfare of the people he loves over his ego and societal expectations.

If this is your first foray into non-monogamy, I definitely recommend doing the reading; The Ethical Slut is an excellent place to start, kind of the old testament of the poly bible. And if that's true, then More Than Two is the New Testament. I would also recommend, since you are opening an existing marriage, reading Tristan Taormino's Opening Up.

I do want to point out one thing, though.

>It was a closeted bisexual's best case scenario

If you are angling to turn this V into a triad, don't keep it a secret. Be up front and honest about what you want. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know you acted properly.

Best of luck to you and yours!

u/OrionsArmpit · 3 pointsr/bestof

Umm. no. not at all.

Go read the modern poly classic "Ethical Slut" or "Opening Up" or read some of the wiki and faq's on https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory
/r/nonmonogamy

You have a very broken sexist view of non-monogamous relationships.

u/yeslets · 3 pointsr/polyamory

You can't resolve it any more than you already have. The only way out is through. It sounds like it might be time for you to start dating more seriously and start learning with your partner how to navigate this next part of your lives together.

Communicate well with him and try not to get too caught up in NRE (or at least remember to bring home the good parts and let it rub off on your relationship with him).

If you're looking for resources, check out More than Two (and maybe Opening Up).

u/slapchoppin · 3 pointsr/polyamory

A few more resources:

- Opening Up (already mentioned)

- Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory (This is quickly becoming the de-facto polyamory bible. Ignore that it's titled for women - it's for everyone).

- Multiamory Podcast (you can search on a variety of topics. Some I'd suggest: relationship anarchy, hierarchy, emotional responsibility)

​

I HIGHLY suggest you and your wife read and consume this content together. Spend time at reading or listening together. This will ensure you're both on the same page and defining the future of your relationship together.

​

I'm 11+ years in an open marriage. We opened up around 1.5 years after some relationship drama. We've made plenty of mistakes along the way and have survived until now.


PM me if you have more personal questions.

u/CandLinPC · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

I would highly recommend you pick up a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It's literally the manual for creating and sustaining honest open relationships.

To answer your question in short, it will take some work on your part and hers. Talk together, create ground rules, safer sex rules, time-sharing rules. Be honest, communicate, be supportive of your wife. If you go out and get to do something fun, make sure you come back to your wife and show her just as much love as you did before opening your relationship.

As for finding open women, look for polyamory meetups or groups in your area. They usually have potlucks or coffee hours where you can chat with other poly people, ask questions, and get more inside info on where to find the women you're looking for. My advice is to not search for single women in the general population as they are typically monogamous and come with a whole lot of drama that you're not looking for. (A sweeping generalization, I know, but true for the most part.) Find women who already identify as open if not actually poly.

As an aside, you should choose how much exposure you are willing to withstand. Do you or your wife have families or jobs that would look down upon this choice? Can you be hurt in any way by this information becoming public? You may want to create a second email or Facebook profile. (With Facebook, make sure you're locking down your privacy settings, especially photo facial recognition, and approval of photo tags.) If you do, make sure your wife is informed that they exist so that she knows you're being above board with her; she doesn't have to know what happens there if she doesn't want to, but she does need to know that they exist if they do.

u/mysexypolypervyacct · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

u/sad_day_friends · 3 pointsr/sex

It's really easy to fuck up open relationships! It can take years to become comfortable with everything involved. However, it only takes one book to understand what you're up against and how to deal with it:

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

I recommend not going into opening relationships without reading about them or talking to others about what that entails and how to make it work.

u/sexaccount9 · 3 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

We do have rules, but none specifically for preventing attachment. We just figure the fact that we're in love and have a history and future plans together will take care of that. A new partner isn't going to trump that. You just need to be aware that the exciting feeling of someone new is a biological reality and recognize it for what it is, rather than get confused and think it invalidates your LTR.

If your relationship feels solid, then bring it up as a general topic and see what your partner thinks. You should only try this if you guys are in a good place together, and not as a patch to fix a relationship that's on the rocks.

Here's a book we found helpful. http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

u/umbricat · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Have you been doing any reading? Sometimes reading some more perspectives and guides can really help you deal with your own feelings and look at why you feel the way you do.

Some of the most-recommended books I've seen are:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279641267&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-practical-polyamory/dp/0991399706

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279722189&sr=8-1

If you just want someone to tell you who is right in your situation with your partner, nobody here is going to be able to help. Different people take different lengths of time to adjust to things, and different relationships need to progress at different speeds. Don't be too hard on yourself (or her) and make sure you keep communication open. :)

u/ouchiesdublin · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Okcupid and fetlife are good places to contact people. There are quite a few people on both sites open to multiple partners, just use it as a couple rather than as an individual and be quite straightforward about what you're looking for. Remember, though, no-one likes to feel like they are just being used for sex, as a third or otherwise, so try to approach it in the same way you would ordinary dating, more or less.

Now, on to the trickier pragmatics. Poly doesn't work for everyone. You have to be ridiculously upfront, honest and open. Jealousy may rear its ugly head; that's normal. The trick is how you handle it. I would seriously recommend you get yourself some kind of poly primer and read it together before you delve any further. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up are good places to start. Good luck! And at the risk of sounding like Jerry Springer, be good to each other.

u/rooktakesqueen · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Here's the standard reading list! The Ethical Slut and Opening Up. They can be useful in many ways: giving you vocabulary to express things you might not have the words for at the moment, giving you exercises you can do to help you get past some of the jealousy and possession issues that almost always crop up, and providing advice on things to watch out for and hurdles you might have to face.

Oh, and they're just more evidence that you aren't alone, or even all that unusual. :)

u/RissaWasTaken · 3 pointsr/polyamory

You know how people say you should only try to quit smoking or lose weight if it's something you want to do for yourself, otherwise it won't take? Sure, you might be able to cut back for a while or drop a few pounds, until that super stressful day or holiday buffet comes along.

The reason "they" say that is simple: eventually, if your heart wasn't in it to begin with, you'll find a reason to go back to your old habits.

I'm all for broadening one's horizons and exploring new sides of yourself - and I firmly believe that not everyone who thinks they couldn't do it is right. However, "trying out" polyamory with so many barriers in your way from the start could be seriously harmful to your current relationship, future relationships, and your core self.

There absolutely ARE ways to "get over" almost all of that, but it is a long, arduous, often painful process. And the best way to start is with wanting to change - or at least explore the possibility of changing - those things about yourself which would prevent polyamory from being a positive influence on your life: possessive jealousy, competition, viewing love as a pie chart, potentially codependence, and any others not listed in your OP.

/u/alc6379 is correct: "Only problem with trying polyamory first is there's so much at stake..." IMO, you have to be not just curious what all the hoopla's about, you need to be honestly wanting to seek out polyamory for its own merits in your life, which means you have to think it has merit for you.

It's totally possible to go from "I could never do that" to "This is amazing, even if it isn't how I originally thought things would go", but that won't happen just because other people have made it work for them. Poly - like monogamy - isn't for everyone, and that's ok.

I would recommend picking up a few published books as primers and see how you feel after reading them: The Ethical Slut, Open, and Opening Up are some of the key introductory references most people crack open first.

Whatever you guys choose, I wish you the best of luck!

u/Arkaday · 2 pointsr/bisexual

I am a bi lady, in a long term same-sex relationship, and have been navigating missing male intimacy with my VERY lesbian/gender queer partner. I totally understand the juxtaposition of a happy relationship mixed with other sexual intimacy struggles, partner jealousy and all that. We've been discussing an open/poly relationship for over a year now and this book Opening Up has helped guide our discussions immensely. Unfortunately, we haven't actually opened the relationship yet, but that is due to other life challenges.

Also, if you're looking for Bi or LGBT resources in your area, Meetup is a always good option, but depending on your area there may not be any groups. Most semi-large communities will have some sort of LGBT resource, you can always try googling 'City Name' LGBT center, etc. Many LGBT agencies have discussion groups, group 'therapy' and/or other social groups organized for LGBT folk.

u/Tujin · 2 pointsr/polyamory

Sorry, I forget to add the extra return lines sometimes. Opening Up on Amazon


The Ethical Slut on Amazon

u/joe-ducreux · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Rules always sound like a good idea, but I've found in practice they don't work very well.

If you want to introduce some non-monogamy aspects I'd suggest stating out with a threesome; That way you are present, know exactly what happened, and can process the experience together after the fact to see how you're both feeling.

Either way, I'd say start slow, really really slow, and take baby steps once you are both comfortable.

EDIT: Also you should both check out these books:

The Ethical Slut

Sex at Dawn

Opening Up

u/matthewbischoff · 2 pointsr/sex

Hey nowweareopen,

First of all, I'd just like to say that some of the posts here have been unnecessarily negative. This subreddit is supposed to be accepting and I feel like people have written you off too quickly because of your age. I'm 21 (M) and in an open relationship with a wonderful 23 year old (F). We've been open for the past two years, and it's been immensely satisfying for ourselves and our lovers.

Yes, being in an open relationship is hard but so is being in any relationship. oo_nrb has a ton of great advice, so I'm going to try not to duplicate too much of that.

In general, it seems like you're going into this from a stable position and an open mind. I'd highly recommend that you both read Tristan Taramino's wonderful book Opening Up before you jump in head first. The book will teach you that everyone define's their open relationship differently, and that the most important part of non-monogamy is defining your rules and sticking to them. Open relationships demand a higher level of trust and a greater commitment to communication, because there is a lot more at stake.

> What are some common pitfalls people tend to fall into/how can we avoid them?

  • Not defining the rules early (Do you want to hear about everything? Before? After).
  • One partner finding tons of lovers and the other not (Help each other out and talk about how you're doing frequently)
  • Not slowing down or stopping quickly enough if the other partner is starting to feel neglected.
  • One partner getting into the open relationship because it feels like their only option. (Make sure you both want this and you're not just settling for it).
  • Safety (Condoms, STD tests, and safer sex practices are a must)
  • Confusing infatuation over a new partner for love. (Realize that new relationship energy will always feel amazing, but it's not the same as what you guys have. Always respect the primacy of your relationship).
  • Breaking the rules. Just because it's open, doesn't mean you can't cheat. Cheating is bad.

    > How do we find people who are interested purely in sex and are comfortable having sex with someone in an open relationship? I'm wary of Craigslist and online sites.

    The same ways your find them normally: bars, parties, friends, and sites like OKCupid. The thing to realize is that very few people are interested in "just sex". There's nothing wrong with being friendly or affectionate with the other people you're banging, as long as you respect the primacy of your boyfriend. You guys might want to start out with rules about how much emotion, connection is allowed if it makes your uncomfortable, but realize that you are restricting the number of partners that would be interested in you.

    > How do we broach the subject of sex in person to people he and I find?

    Flirt. Be touchy and make sure to be honest with your other partners that you have significant others, but that you're open. Explain your rules, your boundaries, and if you're comfortable with it, let them talk to your partner for confirmation.

    Good luck. If you have any other questions, let me know.
u/RLbubble · 2 pointsr/sex

If you are looking for reading material, I own and have read this book and thought it was fantastic. Opening Up, by Tristin Taormino.

u/CausticSofa · 2 pointsr/infj

Sure. Feel free to pm me any time you have a question. Remember that the folks at /r/polyamory have been known to give very good advice and anecdotes. If you live in a bigger city then there's a chance that you have a local poly community who meets up for the sake of camaraderie and advice. And do read Sex at Dawn. There's also another pretty good intro to nonmonogamy book called Opening Up

Of course, I was scared of what it would mean for my ltr relationship to open up. I was worried that it might mean I just secretly didn't love the guy, that he wasn't 'the one' (ugh, can't stand the concept of the one now that I've thought about it for a few years). I was scared that he'd meet someone new who was just so much better than me that he wouldn't need me any more (I struggled a lot with my self-esteem back then)

I had expected that I just wouldn't fall in love (a very naive assumption for an infj going into a deep, trust-based and sexual connection to a person they like) When I did start falling in love I was scared that my feelings would just transfer over to the new person as if we have finite amounts of love.

I was elated when I discovered that (much like how I still love and appreciate all of my exes even though I no longer feel 'in love' feelings for them) I was easily able to love many people, intensely. Rather than one love weakening another, it strengthened my certainty because I was going to each partner willingly, rather than because I had to love them or burn that bridge completely so that I could love someone new.

It also helped a lot because I used to make my partnership my whole identity, but now I get to play into the very different facets of my identity (and play with my injf masks) by dating different kinds of people and having totally different sorts of interactions. Some partners are very cerebral, some very physical, some very silly. I get to keep learning new people and helping them feel loved, valued and special.

Of course I still get twinges of jealousy, but I see now how it comes from being afraid that I am not good enough, valuable enough or worthy or love and commitment from others. Now that I've seen the root of the problem I am really able to grow as an adult woman. I feel far more accepting of myself now that I've gone through the wilderness of this little experiment.

u/thatdarkelectric · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Taormino's "Opening Up" (http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/) has a ton of these questions, formatting them to the point where it feels like a fill-in-the-blanks worksheet assignment. Very thorough!

u/DoUHearThePeopleSing · 2 pointsr/ADHD

Does your boyfriend do any kind of therapy? CBT? Perhaps he genuinely tries to change, but nobody told him how to do it besides meds.

He can do yoga and meditation. And he can learn to plan his goals in a way that works around, or even embraces his limitations.

There are also some good books on learning how to be a successful adult on adhd on Amazon.


If he's unwilling to go for therapy / work on himself, I'd say give up.

As for promiscuity - I'd say this is unchangeable. You may talk him into not doing it in front of you, but, for example in my case - I tried monogamy so hard, and just couldn't.... There's a good book on open relationships though - https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X - there are many variants of this, perhaps you guys can figure sth out.
If not, it may end up in having to choose you being frustrated with polyamory, or him with monogamy. Neither one is any good.

u/Svennisen · 2 pointsr/polyamory

Depending on where you are in the country, or outside it :) There might be a bunch of poly happy hours/brunches etc. In my city we have several different poly groups that hosts happy hours and get togethers every week. I also host a polycurious book club that meet every month to discuss books and act as a support group.

Try looking online maybe if you can find anything, or if you know anyone that is poly maybe they know of some resources. If you are in the bay area, or NYC, hit me up :)

Also I definitely recommend reading some books if you guys haven't already.
A good place to start is Opening Up

u/zluruc · 2 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

Bleah. TES is a craptastic book that's mainly about how to have sex with as many people as you want, with little of the deeper, more emotionally-centered content and trouble-shooting in more recent and frankly better books.

I'd recommend Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. It has a lot of the troubleshooting it sounds like the OP needs, and is a lot more sensitive to the fact that not everyone is perfectly comfy with poly. TES is more about WHEE LET'S HAVE SEX WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE oh and don't piss off your primary while you're at it.

u/selfishstars · 2 pointsr/relationships

You want to be able to have sex with other people AND keep your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have a girlfriend who is willing to try to make this work with you, despite the fact that it isn't something she wants. The vast majority of people would respond to this with an outright "No." or end the relationship completely.

Your girlfriend is giving up a lot for you in order to make this work. She is losing the sense of security that a monogamous relationship brings; she is putting herself at risk of having her feelings hurt and having to deal with the jealousy that this is likely to cause her. She is putting a huge amount of trust in you to:

  • be mindful of her feelings
  • be completely honest with her
  • practice safe sex and not give her an STD or impregnate someone else
  • not develop feelings for someone else and leave her

    You owe it to this woman to not break her trust. You owe her complete honesty and good communication. You owe it to her to make good decisions and be mindful of her feelings. Even if you having sex with other people will likely be hard on her, there are still things that you can do to minimize this---and one of those things is reinforcing her trust in you by things like a) not lying to her or hiding things from her, and b) making every effort to not neglect her needs and feelings.

    You've already failed. You lied about where you were going, you hid it from her when she called you, and you neglected her when she was in a time of need (if you had been honest with her, you may not have been able to get there as soon as she wanted you to be there, but you could have given her the piece of mind that you were dropping everything to come and be there for her). Instead, you made her feel like you were just "too tired" to be there for her in a time of need.

    There's a good chance that you've ruined your chance to have an open relationship with this woman, or in the very least, you've made it 100% harder than it already was by breaking her trust.

    And after all of this, you have the balls to say that you're angry and resentful about this (her friend died, ffs, and that's no one's fault and not something that can be helped). Look, I totally get that you were looking forward to this and now you feel disappointed, but you need to get your priorities straight. What's more important to you, a weekend of fun... or being there for the person you're supposed to care about when they're in need? There will be plenty of opportunities to have fun in the future, but your girlfriend needs your support now. It's not the kind of thing that waits until a convenient time, and knowing that your partner is willing to be there for you when you need them... well, isn't that one of the main reasons why people get into relationships to begin with?

    Honestly, if you would have handled this situation maturely, this could have actually been a huge positive reinforcement for having an open relationship. If your girlfriend knew that you went to the festival (with the possibility of meeting other woman), but you dropped everything to come and be with her when she needed you, you would be showing her that she is your priority and that you aren't going to neglect her needs. Experiences like that can go a long way in terms of building trust and comfort in an open relationship.

    Now, it sounds like you did drop everything to go and be with her, but the fact that you lied about where you were is going to overshadow that. (And please, please, please don't tell your girlfriend, "Well, I did drop everything to come and be with you". You don't deserve a cookie for your behaviour, so don't try to justify it by giving yourself a pat on the back for something you SHOULD do regardless.

    In my opinion, I think that the two of you should end things. You're not mature enough to be in an open relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's something she wants anyway.

    However, if the two of you decide that this is something you really want to make work, you need to:

  1. Come clean to your girlfriend.
  2. Admit that you made a mistake and handled things immaturely, and sincerely apologize.
  3. Work on your communication with each other.
  4. Discuss boundaries and expectations.
  5. Educate yourselves. There are a lot of good resources about open relationships; they can help you develop realistic boundaries and expectations, better communication, and a better mindset and understanding of how to make this work.

    Recommended reading:

    The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (book)

    Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (book)

    morethantwo.com (website)

    (Note: some of these resources are more geared toward polyamorous relationships, but they still have a lot of good information for any kind of nonmonogamous relationship).
u/Nessunolosa · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

I know that it's possible that this could mess up the relationship, but it could also be possible to have an open relationship. It's not for everyone, and it's not the easier route. It might seem to her that having an open relationship would allow her to experience the things that she feels she missed out on because of marrying young, but without conscious effort to maintain her relationship with you it could go really wrong.

Open relationships are not automatically cheating, as some in this thread have claimed. However, cheating can still happen in an open relationship. People define their open relationships in a myriad of ways, ranging from full integration into the marriage to a one night stand system that limits emotional contact.

If you decide that you could go ahead with this, you would need to have a set of serious and open conversations with her and establish what the boundaries of the relationship will be. Who can she see? What is off-limits? Does she get to incorporate this other person into your lives together, for instance by having him meet your children? How are you certain that both of you are practicing safer sex? What would happen if one of you did fall for someone outside your marriage?

If those questions make you uncomfortable, that's normal. If you feel like you simply couldn't deal with the answers, having an open relationship is probably not for you.

There are many resources on open relationships, swinging, and even polyamory. Try Opening Up, a book about the many ways that open relationships do (and don't) work.

u/mamapantherx2 · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344295X/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_PrOPDbA237WK2

u/existie · 2 pointsr/sex

Two thoughts: You're being honest, so keep on being honest; if they leave you over it, they leave you. You're not serious with them from what I read, so I wouldn't worry too much about losing one.

At the same time... I'd suggest looking into committing to a poly lifestyle if you're enjoying this. It is possible to have a primary partner and also be poly - or you could remain primary-free, too. Whatever suits you.

Check out these books: The Ethical Slut - Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Perhaps someone else can chime in with more.

u/squisheekittee · 2 pointsr/polyamory

In my experience rules aren’t a great idea. If a partner breaks the rules it hurts & you get upset, even if it shouldn’t be a big deal. My primary partner & I agreed to some safety protocols (using condoms, regular testing, etc), & that’s about it. We do give each other a heads up when we’re going on dates, but I’m pretty forgetful & will usually go “omg I forgot to tell you I went on a date last Wednesday!” & my partner goes “cool thanks for telling me” then makes fun of me for forgetting. As for sex & stuff, it’s kind of a dont-ask-don’t-tell situation. My partner sometimes asks about dates & how they went, but he doesn’t want to know too many details. I don’t ask about his sex life outside our relationship because I know he doesn’t like to talk about it & I respect his privacy.

I do recommend the book opening up , & I know there’s some others about ethical non-monogamy that are supposed to be good, but that’s the only one I’ve read.

u/HB11 · 2 pointsr/relationships

Read this book. Even if you ultimately conclude that an open relationship isn't for you, at least make a more informed decision.

u/UMRpatti · 2 pointsr/polyamory

The book "Opening Up" had the interviewee statistics in the back. On Amazon, go to "Look Inside!" and jump to page 337 (link: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X)

u/jestzisguy · 2 pointsr/MarriedAndBi

Amazon link to that book, since someone asked! Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344295X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_dkQxDbMS21Y8A

We preferred the audio book - normalized things even more to have a sweet older woman reading it.

u/conekt · 2 pointsr/bisexual

There are a few books that are considered standard reading for poly people

u/xaotica · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

The majority of my relationships have been non-monogamous. I'd consider myself someone who is not terribly traditional about relationship structure. Some of my partners have been "like you" - people who were not interested in dating multiple people themselves, but were willing to be flexible or compromise to varying degrees.

I see two separate issues here.

  1. In the long term, he'd like to continue having multiple partners and you'd like to continue having one partner.

  2. You would like to be treated as a serious partner -- you'd like your partner to consult you before making certain kinds of decisions, and you'd like to feel like your emotions, preferences, etc. are valued and considered.

    ....

    To me, your pain is as much about communication (or lack thereof) vs. the structure of your relationship. I am generally comfortable and happy in open relationships. However, if I was in an open relationship for 6 years with a partner that I lived with, and we'd spent every holiday together, I would expect them to communicate with me before booking a holiday with another partner. If they did somehow book one first, mention it to me, and then discover that I felt hurt... I would expect them to discuss the situation in detail.

    Perhaps there was no way in which you'd ever feel comfortable with the situation even if he had tried to talk to you about it beforehand. However, if I wanted a partner to feel comfortable, I would start by having an honest conversation and listening to their concerns. Lots of concerns about open relationships are totally valid - like sexual safety, feeling reassured that you are loved and that you are a priority vs. wondering whether you might be disposable or they are looking to "trade up", etc.

    I'd really encourage both you and your SO to read one of the books that talk about communication in open relationships (like "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino - http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1408424734&sr=8-2&keywords=opening+up)
    Regardless of whether your relationship is viable, he isn't likely to have long term success in an open relationship (or any relationship) if he thinks that "open relationship" = "I do what I want, when I want, and if one of my partners feels anxious, I dismiss their concerns as a violation of my individual freedom".

    For me, it feels comfortable to know the people that my partner(s) is dating (or whatever term you want to use ;) and to have direct communication with them. It's not just that I want them to know I exist... I also want them to feel like they can ask me questions, be honest with me, etc. They've often been my friends, either previously or afterward. If you know them, it's easier to understand whether they just have a casual / sexual interest, "romantic" interest, their attitudes about safe sex, whether they're going to treat your partner well, etc.

    Also, not all "secondary" partners would WANT to go on holiday with someone if they knew that their longterm partner was feeling hurt about the trip or had learned about it in an after-the-fact way. Being attracted to somebody's SO doesn't necessarily mean that you don't care about how they treat their other partner or your impact on their relationship. Even in a very casual dating situation, I care about other people's partners 'cause they're fellow human beings and we already have at least one interest in common ;)

    I see a lot of red flags in your description of the situation, but if you do decide to try to make it work, I'd encourage you both to read more about communication in open relationships and to try seeing a couples therapist. There are couples therapists who work with people in not-completely-traditional relationship situations and who are not inherently morally opposed to the concept.

    But also, there are lots of people who would happily have an open OR monogamous relationship with you that would include lots of honest communication, treating you like you are important, trying to understand your feelings or address your fears vs. pressuring you to immediately accept a decision that was made without your input.

    Also, even people who are 300% excited about open relationships sometimes feel jealous, scared, hurt, etc... and you should be able to talk about those feelings honestly. It isn't supposed to be a situation where you are always expected to feel nothing or act like you feel nothing or keep your emotions to yourself.

    I can't say whether it's a mistake for you to compromise and be in an open relationship (either this relationship, or in general)... but I can say that it would be a mistake for you to shrug off your feelings about this and suffer through it alone.
u/SurreptitiousSpark · 2 pointsr/polyamory

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344295X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ofriDb2TGCWTT

u/friendliest_giant · 1 pointr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

>http://www.morethantwo.com/


And

>http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/157344295X


Helped me the most. The website is kind of like and encyclopedia and the amazon book is about communication and being open. Ethical slut is okay but like I said its just a shock book.

u/hmmfinethen · 1 pointr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

Reading Rainbow

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

Thanks for the contest!

p.s. used books are excellent

u/Ersatz_Intellectual · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

I think the question of whether or not your partner is right, depends on how down they are to open the relationship.

How did I realize I was non-monogamous? I've always thought the idea was cool, and I pretty much lived it without giving it a real name. Through reading books about the practice, I've started to identify with it more. If you're interested, here are links to those books:

Opening up - https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/157344295X

Sex From Scratch - https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1934620130/

(And a Tumblr called polyrolemodels)

You've already heard from some others about the cheating so I won't go into that. I will second what another person said: if you're not enjoying the sex and your partner isn't comfortable changing it up sometimes, you will most likely need to open the relationship or break up with them. I'm assuming you're American, our society socializes people to think that bad sex shouldn't be a dealbreaker, but it totally is. There are ways to set up rules and lines of communication that will make both of you happy and healthy. That's where those books helped for me, reading stories about how other people did it.

I would also caution you to think about the way you frame relationships that don't work out. Instead of considering them "failed," say that you and your ex went different paths, or that things didn't work out. That's another societal thing that Sex From Scratch mentions. The idea that a "long" relationship = success and a breakup = failure is toxic, and keeps people in unhealthy relationships longer than necessary.

u/joeljohnson · 1 pointr/IAmA

I've never been in an open relationship, but I've heard great things about this book: http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

I've lots of friends in various types of open relationships. Just talk, talk, talk, and try to leave the ego at the door, while at the same time be okay with feeling what you feel. (Try to figure out why you feel the way you feel, though.)

That is, if you want advice from someone who has never been in an open relationship.

u/longwalktofreedom · 1 pointr/askgaybros

Dan Savage recommends this book.

Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships https://www.amazon.ca/dp/157344295X/

u/agiganticpanda · 1 pointr/polyamory

Highly suggested reading:
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory: https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1587613379/

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157344295X/

Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1500838160/

Game Changer: A Memoir of Disruptive Love: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DQ20WOC/

u/GamesatDawn · 1 pointr/polyamory

I've been through that process. Communication is key - you really need to discuss both the large and small issues before you start looking for partners. Veto power, scheduling, boundaries, etc. are all important to establish ahead of time. I suggest that you both review materials that are out there together. I've found More Than Two and the book "Opening Up" to be the best resources for the situation you are in. "Opening Up" will also help you better understand what type of relationship will meet your needs (swinging, polyamory, triads, etc.).

Everyone's experience with open relationships is unique, and what is right is what works for you (within some ethical and consensual limits). That being said, I do encourage you to read up on unicorn hunting, as some of the power dynamics can make for a frustrating and upsetting balance, especially if it is your first experience with poly. Most people have a better experience focusing on individual relationships and seeing if something more, like a triad, can grow out of that.

The primary/secondary style of relationships is quite common and works well for many people, particularly if your secondary partner already has a primary partner. Again, you need to communicate clearly with your partner want your needs and boundaries are. You also need to discuss whether you are comfortable re-evaluating those boundaries over time, as relationships often grow and change in ways we don't anticipate.

u/StreetSpirit127 · 1 pointr/relationships

Anytime either of you are feeling jealous, talk about it. No hesitation.

Be open and honest about everything, except: one thing to rule out early on is whether or not you want to know every detail of your relations? Really, this can be a kicker. Some open relationships thrive on "hey I want to have sex with this person, oh man, I had so much fun last night with __, he was massive and we went for hours". Others are "hey, I'm staying with tonight, I'll see you tomorrow". Then there are the ones that keep sex on the down low. When I was in open-relationships, I preferred the last one.

Never ask questions that you don't want an honest answer. Like, asking about how their body ranked up against one of your insecurites. Guys asking how big another guy's dick was. Girls asking about the other girl's boobs, a few extra pounds or what have you.

The best book on the subject is "Opening Up" by Taormino. Seriously. http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

u/sallysimply · 1 pointr/polyamory

Oh, and I would add that I didn't read all of Ethical Slut, but in general I preferred Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. I would suggest reading up on open relationships in general because it'll help you approach them and the feelings that arise from a different place.

u/foamchomsky · 1 pointr/AskReddit

It's not always be best pretext for doing so, but have you considered opening up the relationship? You both negotiate clear boundaries, and it allows each partner to fulfill all their desires (not just sexually, but emotionally or otherwise) without guilt or shame. If you feel like you could both retool jealousy that you feel and make it into happiness for each other, it could be a solution. The option is always available to reformat the boundaries or relationship.

Try Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino

TL;DR Try an open relationship?

u/Halfhand84 · 1 pointr/RealGirls

> What can a girl do to keep it interesting?

Open the relationship

u/gummybee · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Are you sure she and her boyfriend are in an exclusive relationship? If so, don't push it past friends. Sorry, there are plenty other women out there and maybe she'll be single again one day. If it's possible they're not exclusive, and if you'd be interested in being in a relationship with her while she is also in a relationship with him, and if you're willing to do a lot of extra talking and listening to make it work for everybody, then get the conversation started by asking her what she thinks about polyamory/open relationships in general. One way to bring it up might be to actually read a book on the subject (e.g. Opening Up) and tell her about the good book you just read.

u/eustacecscrubb · 1 pointr/ftm

> I'm worried that if i bring any of this up and it becomes close to being a thing that oculd happen that my bf will go back to his old jealous feelings and get upset. He can be very insecure about his appearance and i'm worried tthat bringing this up will make him insecure, no matter what id say."

  1. You can't control your boyfriend's feelings. You can communicate in ways that are gentle, loving, and clear, but he has to own his own feelings and actions. That goes for insecurities, too.

  2. What do you want to bring up? Before you have the conversation, think about what you want to get out of it. Do you want to raise the possibility of an open relationship? Just tell him about your feelings and see what he says? It might be worth starting with just talking about your feelings first, and have the conversation in stages.

  3. Open relationships come in lots of varieties--do you know whether you want to have your partner be dating someone else? Or "just sex"? Have you thought about what you would do if he fell in love with someone else? Any version of an open relationship that works (like all relationships, and then some!) requires really clear communication, good boundary-setting, and a willingness to trust your partner.

    You might want to visit the Polyamory subreddit and/or look at this website https://www.morethantwo.com/ to get a sense of the ways to be poly or open. The Ethical Slut, recommended by someone else, is a classic, but you might also want to look at Tristan Taormino's Opening up (https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X) - that one spoke to me more than TES when I was in such a relationship.

    My own experience is that open relationships are really tough, although they can be rewarding. I've chosen monogamy, but I learned a lot from my time in a poly relationship. One thing in particular is that it's important to investigate what you think opening the relationship will do in terms of "exploring [y]our identies.''
u/tellulay · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

A friend of mine is in an open relationship. He and I have discussed it in fairly intimate detail; however, he was kind enough to send me the book Opening Up (http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X). Why send it? Well I'm nerdy enough that I like learning almost anything and because he did not wish to violate any of my relationship's "rules," which I found at first confusing and then considerate. Open relationships are an art and science of themselves. The book is worth a read to really inform any opinion and to force one to consider the gray issues in any relationship structure.

u/Punky_Grifter · 1 pointr/relationships

Go to /r/polyamory as a start.

While saying "hey, I am married, but we are in an open relationship" is direct, it doesn't often work. Quite often people get messages from people in open relationships who are really just trying to cheat on a spouse. Prepare to meet some skepticism.

If you are in a big enough city, there are polyamory groups that meet to discuss their lifestyle. Meeting people in these groups will often be your easiest way to meet people who understand and are into non-monogamy.

Also, with trying out an open relationship, do your research. There will be many questions along the way that you may not want to find out after you've broken a rule you didn't know you wanted.

For instance, how strong of feelings do you want with your other relationships? No feelings, light feelings, open to secondary relationships or keeping things strictly sex-based?

What rules do you want to keep in place? Will you never bring your date back to your house? Will your bed be a place for only you and your wife.

These are the types of questions you want to discuss with your wife before someone gets hurt.

check out the books "the ethical slut" and "Opening up"

u/Uncle_Iroh_Loves_You · 1 pointr/polyamory

Agreed. This is a totally foreign subject for you and it is one regarding identity, this isn't a preference that someone decides they are Poly. It's about learning who each person is, not a choice. If this is really who she is she likely has a lot of exploring to do as well. Me (poly) and my partner(mono) are going through Opening up by Tristan Taormino. It has a lot of good questions for everyone, monogamous or otherwise, to figure out how each persons desires. In this case it will help you bring you towards answers about what your needs are what hers are and how to start to navigate them responsibly.


If she rushes things, best guess is that it is bad news. If she loves you she will take plenty of time. You can wait two days for amazon to deliver the book before diving into a conversation you are so unfamiliar with.

u/anonuk1234 · 1 pointr/polyamory

Thanks very much for your reply. Its appreciated.

I'm assuming by limiting, you mean that either myself or the other partners in the relationship are likely to want to continue to explore other partners? If not, could you expand on that.

Thank you very much for the book ideas!! I had never thought about reading into this (other than via Google), and will definitely pop them on my Kindle. (Off topic, the paperback version is apparently £1399.00 from Amazon - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X - must be a damn good read!!).

u/narguileh · 1 pointr/askgaybros

Honestly, talk to him. That's the best way to figure this out. If you don't want the relationship to end then tell him that, but at the same time tell him how you truly feel about the situation.
Maybe you guys can start an open relationship if both of you are in the same boat. It seems you both like each other, but let's be honest, sometimes we want to fuck other people and that's okay!

And tell your brother to stay away from your man if you feel like it!

I highly recommend these books:
· Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344295X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KUJACb1TCC91K

· The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_iVJACbHYG8XA0

u/om_steadily · 1 pointr/sexover30

It can get really complex: the boundaries you set are intensely personal and unique to the two/three/whatever of you. I'd recommend checking out the sample chapters of Opening Up and The Ethical Slut and see if either one resonates with you, and then reading the whole thing. Personally I preferred Opening Up.

Introspection to see what you're comfortable with is important, but so is constant communication with your partner. Conversation will likely unearth perspectives you wouldn't consider on your own.

u/drivincryin · 1 pointr/AmItheAsshole

Ah, I didn’t know you were in the room with them and had this info. Why didn’t you and OP post this together from the beginning.

I’m not a cheating apologist. Just letting some of the commenters here know that there are more relationship styles than committed monogamous lifetime partners.

And ethical non-monogamy isn’t cheating.

There are tons of resources for those curious about the fact that plenty of folks are looking beyond lifetime monogamous partners:

r/sex

Savage Lovecast podcast

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Sex with Emily podcast

u/Bercilak · 1 pointr/seduction

I hope that someday I'm in your position of abundance... however difficult this situation is to navigate, this is better problem to be having than getting no girls at all. :-P

> She is everything I could have ever imagined from a partner. She's beautiful (HB8+), smart, caring, giving, has a great family, great values, and is madly in love with me. I love her very much, but I am always looking at other girls and itching to take them home with me. She is not willing to have an open relationship, and I fear that eventually I will cheat on her.

Tell her this? There's no reason to commit further to a relationship that can't foreseeably fulfill your sexual needs. On the other hand, if you two can work out an open relationship and then get married, fuckin' gravy! How to approach that definitely depends on what your girl's objection to an open relationship is. My girlfriend was hesitant about an open relationship and this book definitely helped her become comfortable with the idea, getting over insecurities and all that jazz.

u/M_Cicero · 1 pointr/sex

I would suggest you both read some more information, perhaps Opening Up. If you do decide to open the relationship, a lot of discussions ahead of time are essentially a prerequisite. Set boundaries about expectations. Obvious things like safety, less obvious things like how much you want to hear about each others' partners/the sex they're having.

I view open relationships as a tradeoff. If you are monogamous, you don't have to deal with feelings of jealousy as much, but you have to deal with being unable to pursue others and the emotions that entails. If you are open, you now have to deal with jealous feelings but less of the inability to pursue. People and their partners are different about which emotions they'd rather work through.

All that being said, her wanting to do it "for your benefit" and not being interested in others herself is a HUGE red flag. I'm a big supporter of open relationships, but please do some research and discuss the possibility with each other a LOT more before making any big decisions.

u/groteska · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

I can relate. But from the other side, I want to open up my relationship but my partner hesitates. Well when I say hesitant I mean that he is very afraid and thus sceptic on opening up our relationship.

We have talked and talked about this and I will never go outside our relationship unless I have his consent. But that means that it will be a two way street. If I can play, than he should as well. I know his hesitation lies in his fears that I might find someone "better" (his words not mine) and be more pleased with another mans penis than his. My argument is that if we would open up our relationship he would always be my man, there might be others but he is the primary. As would I be his.

Open relationship have to be built on trust. And if your boyfriend wants to play outside your relationship but not allow you the same than he does not trust you. I think you need to talk to him about this fact and see if you are an equal to him or his conquest not to be shared ( tip, this is not a good option).

If you are interested in poly-amoury or poly-sexuality than I recommend these books to check out : Ethical slut and opening up

I wish you all the best.

u/samadhii · 1 pointr/sex

Consensual non-monogamist here. Huge fan of said relationship model. It's a lot more work than a convention monogamist relationship especially in the beginning. You have to make sure everyone is on the same page and that trust is established. Like I said it is more work, but I find the with complete open communication it is much more rewarding. TRY IT OUT.


GOOD BOOKS TO BUY: The Ethical Slut and Opening Up

u/stayonthecloud · 1 pointr/AskReddit

Happy to help :) not about being smart but rather, I know a lot of people in successful long-term open relationships, have read a ton over the years about people's experiences, am polyamorous myself and find success with these guidelines. This book is really cool if you'd like to get more ideas and inspiration.
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325119936&sr=1-1

Best wishes to you.

u/AReaver · 1 pointr/polyamory

If you're a reader there are some good books out there for this. The one I always see recommended first is Opening Up.

u/tuirn · 1 pointr/sex

Take a look at the books Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. They are a fairly good starting point for learning about non-monogamy. You might also want to start looking at /r/polyamoury. Good luck.

u/supertek · 1 pointr/AskReddit

My fiancee and I are in an open relationship. At first I was reluctant, because my entire life I've been a believer in monogamy. She, on the other hand, has never believed that monogamy could work. She's had a history of cheating on every boyfriend she'd ever had. But this open relationship thing has brought us CLOSER than ever.

The hardest part to get over is the feelings of jealousy. I recommend the book "Opening Up" (http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318607076&sr=8-1).

+1 to Couples' Counseling.

I don't want you to think that your wife is a slut or anything like that. She probably just has some sexual needs that you're not fulfilling. Sit down and talk about what she wants from an open relationship. It could be anything from unmet sexual needs, or perhaps she wants to be polyamorous—having relationships with more than one person, but keep you as her PRIMARY partner.

Don't be scared, mate. Be trustful of her, and above all else: COMMUNICATE OPENLY. If you can't communicate with her openly then you'll probably end up getting a divorce even if this topic never came up.

Still, it's a bitch move to give you an ultimatum. This is something she should have brought to you in the past, rationally. Sounds kind of crazy that she'd not mention anything, and then suddenly dump an ultimatum on you!

Good luck. Don't be too negative about this.

Oh, also: we have a house together and there are 2 kids (7 and 9) involved in this as well.

u/Arewesortingitout · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

My girlfriend and I just opened up our 3 year relationship about a month ago and other posters are totally right - it's a journey and I've found this reddit community to be SO helpful (thanks everyone here!) - one thing that really helped me was reading people's sappy posts. Seeing success makes this feel easier.

For the record, I TOTALLY feel you, your second paragraph spoke to my little heart -- I am so certain about my partnership and we were so stable and ready for life before we opened up. It's been a scary process that made me feel uprooted and a heck of a lot less stable. But I truly honestly feel like nonmonogamy is SO good for helping each of us explore ourselves.

I think it's important to be flexible -- when we first discussed opening our relationship we sat down and made a moderate list of rules or boundaries based on what-ifs. But then reality happened and we realized how our rules didn't really speak to the people we really were (example: we had discussed this being open for the sake of rando hookups, but neither of us are all that casual people. Girlfriend especially prefers to have some sort of emotional connection to those she's sleeping with. So things got a whole lot less casual really fast) so we had to reconfigure our boundaries. I am certain that what we currently have set up will still continue to change.

If you've never done this before, it's important to give each other a little slack because sometimes you won't have the right words for what you're thinking and feeling. It's okay to say "this was a problem for blah-blah reason" but try not to get all doomsday about it. There will be a lot of trial and error as you sort through how to communicate and act.

Others are totally right, communicate communicate communicate. If you are feeling something, try not to overthink it and do share. That being said, know yourself -- personally I've blown things out of proportion because I haven't reflected on my feelings before talking about them - now I do a lot of writing and digging into what I'm really feeling before I bring it up and it has been much more constructive.

Don't be afraid to talk about the changes you're feeling or seeing. The relationship will change - how the two of you navigate those changes is what matters.

> I'm torn between accepting that I love this person enough to try to expand in this way and feeling like I'm settling and over-compromising

Oh I so hear that! It's really important that you try not to overcompromise. And I suppose it's worth knowing what it means to you to overcompromise. Are you just saying yes to something so you don't have to think about it anymore? Or is there growth that comes with that decision that you value and so even though in this moment it's making you nervous, you feel like it might be worth it?
Take some time to know what you need and don't be afraid to ask for that. No matter how in tune you are with someone, they're not going to know what you need if you can't state it. example: my partner and I work extremely different schedules and live in different cities (not far, but far enough that spending time together requires effort) - one of my needs is physical quality time together. At first I wanted to be cool and casual, offering that we just promise to see each other at least once a week -- but not knowing WHEN I was going to see her caused some very deep anxiety for me. So I requested that we don't set dates with other people on Sundays so that we were always available to see each other for sure on Sundays, even if it's for brunch before she goes to work, or for the evening when she gets off work (there's a second part of why this is important to me -- in past poly-relationships and even in the very beginning of our opening up, I give a wide berth when my partners are meeting new people. So wide that I'll give up our quality time, and eventually erode our relationship - this is a problem I am working through).
If you live together then you may want to talk about making an effort to have a specific date night, whatever that might mean. If you're living together it can be easy to assume you spend a lot of time together so it doesn't matter, but that time is your regular every day down time. It's important to have some special time.

It's going to take time. It's going to take talking. There are going to be mistakes and you're probably going to learn a lot more about patience and forgiveness. You might feel unsettled for a little while -- give it time. I've seen people say this a lot and it is worth saying it again -- opening your relationship is putting it on Hard Mode. But it's doable and so worth it. My biggest piece of advice is to take the time to sort through your feelings. Take time for yourself. Take time to love yourself.


Here are some resources that have helped me so far:

  • Probably everyone has directed you here: More than two
  • And specifically: More than two: Handling Jealousy
  • More than Two also has a few bits about being a monogamous person who loves a poly person (just as appropriate for a mono person loving a nonmono): Polyamory for Monogamists
  • This one feels really basic but it also mentions some very realistic things and helped me to determine things I wanted to discuss with my partner: Clopen Relationships
  • (not totally just about casual openness but about love as a whole; a really good read nonetheless): casual love
  • AND. I haven't read it yet but I've seen it suggested SO OFTEN (but don't see it suggested in the other comments) - Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

    (edited for formatting errors)
u/renegadeduck · 1 pointr/sex

What you're talking about is called hotwife. It seems there's an active sub for that: /r/hotwife. Be sure to check out their sidebar for more links and information.

A couple of books that are often recommended for non-monogamous people are The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

It sounds like your fiancée is not fully onboard. You need to make sure she's okay with this. That means really listening to her, and possibly getting her a therapist or somebody else that can support her.

It might be useful to talk to a relationship counselor who's experienced with non-monogamy. Unfortunately, it might take some work to find them. You could go to a local BDSM munch and ask around, or ask around the sub for your city. You might have luck searching for somebody who's “kink friendly.”

If she's sure she wants to try it, start slow — maybe just have her flirt with other guys where you can watch?

Good luck, and have fun!

u/SFSexInfo · 1 pointr/sex

Communication is probably the most important part of sex. You and your FWB should probably have a conversation to figure out what your each looking for in a threesome and what you each would be interested in participating and what you wouldn't want to participate in.

Tristan Taormino's Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships is a good resource in looking at possible options. Her blog mentions the Beyond Two dating site for folks looking for more than one partner, as a spot to help you find your Unicorn.

Once you've found your 3rd, a conversation with the three of you is a good way to find out where the attraction is, what's each of you would like to try out with the other(s), need, want, etc. In some communities, this is called "negotiation" and is a great way to make sure everyone gets what they need from the relationship and has a good time.

There are many foreplay possibilities such as massage, mutual oral stimulation, etc. -- you might wish some time on those before going to the various penetration options.

SFSI Staff,

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San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) provides free, confidential, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex and reproductive health. You can reach us by e-mail ([email protected]) or by phone (415-989-SFSI).

u/thistledown · 0 pointsr/sex

I've been happily married for to a wonderful woman for fourteen years, and we have never cheated on one another. We have, however been happily non-monogamous for the last six years or so. Not only has it allowed us to fulfill our desires for variety, experience and excitement, it has fueled our love (and lust!) for one another and brought us to a place of honesty, communication and understanding that I don't think most couples reach.

I'm am not suggesting that the various styles of non-monogamy are for everyone and I certainly don't thing would fix all of your problems, especially not at this point. I do wish though that different kinds of non-monogamous partnerships were options that most couples even knew were possible. I certainly think having that door open at least a crack, alleviates a lot of problems.

Plenty of resources on the web, but this isn't a bad place to start:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

u/dripless_cactus · 0 pointsr/relationships

Before making any decisions... I HIGHLY recommend reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It is a fantastic introduction how to guide to open relationships. Even if by the end you decide "ok this isn't for me" I can't imagine not finding something useful to take away for any other relationship you go on to have.

Edit: Also, if you are seriously considering this change, visit /r/polyamory. /r/relationships is pretty biased against non-monogamy.

u/koncs · -10 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

My initial reaction was also jealousy, but I don't think I'll ever be in an exclusive relationship again. You learned to be jealous, so you can unlearn it. Give it a chance, you may find that you like it. You know you're attracted to other women too, so this is your opportunity for you both to have amazingly satisfying relationships.

If you value this relationship, try reading Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. Not all open relationships are created equal, and if you're willing to be an adult about it you could wind up with the best marriage ever.