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>If I could stay home all of the time, I'd have PLENTY to do. I would have so much time and energy... I could go to the gym regularly, clean my house regularly, start my huge backlog of games/books/tv shows, learn how to do so many hobbies: drawing, painting, web design, writing, creating music, and more. I could volunteer at animal shelters and be surrounded by the things that I love.
>Why can't I do these things now?

Oh man, I have SO felt the same way. And the thing is, you can do those things, it just may take some time to transition into a lifestyle that you find more fulfilling.

My goal after working a 9-to-5 and realizing it just didn't agree with me (normally people would think that sounds entitled, but as HSPs I think you guys know exactly what I mean!) was to find a way to make a more sustainable life for myself, which meant becoming self-employed. Is the IT work you do something you can do from home for different clients as a contractor? If so, that would mean flexible hours (or at least more so), giving you the freedom to volunteer at an animal shelter and pursue your happy-place hobbies so your life doesn't feel so meaningless.

You can do it. You can have whatever life you want, if you have the skills that can afford you more independence and the determination to make a big change. Not sure of your gender, but this book is great for women who, like me, wanted to escape the rat race (could be applied to dudes too, I think). Sometimes just making the promise to yourself to take a leap, even if it takes months or even years to put it into practice, can rev up your motivation, since you'll be thinking about what you truly want and how to make it happen.

TM has also been a huge boon in my life. It's an energy recharge twice a day and has helped with my anxiety. Might be worth checking out!

Keep us posted! We're rooting for you! :)

I can relate well to what you say with regards to a specific tone of voice. A relationship I was in recently had a similar challenge. My partner would raise issues in what I interpreted as a reprimanding & condescending tone (I called it a teacher tone - a non-exploratory more I'm right dictatorship type of tone). It immediately put me on the defensive & shut me down emotionally (I believe HSPs are more prone to emotional flooding during conflict). I had to repeatedly ask for her to please adjust her tone. Sometimes we don't realize how we are coming across. It was only once I introduced her to NVC that she began to understand that her style of communication wasn't constructive. The way I understand NVC is that the tenet is all conflict arises from unfulfilled needs. NVC works by equipping you with the tools to be able to communicate those needs in a constructive manner. There are some videos you can watch to get an idea. It may sound a lot like fluff, but communication is one of the toughest relationship challenges we face and Marshall Rosenberg makes a lot of excellent points.

Also from my own experience, sensitivity around certain topics could also stem from conditioning from past experiences (I'm overly sensitive to authority figures - hence my strong negative reaction to the teacher tone). A slow process of reconditioning is needed to help with that, along with a great deal of patience and understanding from my partner. Check for patterns or themes that might emerge within your conflicts to try to pinpoint root causes. These may be a tell-tale sign of incompatibility (difference in values) or it could very well be repeated miscommunication. Over sensitivity can also be (as has been mentioned) due to additional pressure from situations or circumstances outside the relationship. Something else you can watch for is if your interactions involve the 4 horsemen of the apocolypse.

If you're willing to delve a bit deeper the book The Highly Sensitive Person in Love is an invaluable HSP relationship resource. There are chapters specifically on the types of challenges that you'll face as a non-HSP with an HSP as well as some of the benefits. Of all the resources listed here, I'd highly recommend you start with this as it contains a great deal of quality advice. Amazon link to the book

Lastly, I want to thank you for putting in the effort you have. It's clear that you value the relationship and you are working hard on it. It's not easy dealing with HSPs (I can be a very difficult person at times). But in the right environment, we can really thrive. And our partners will benefit from that. I hope that armed with these additional resources you'll make the right decision and that the both of you will be able to have less melt downs and more harmony.

Well, you can start by not throwing books in the trash. That is not where they go. I'll assume he gave you the core HSP book. Suggest to him that he read the book on HSPs in the workplace and create a list of suggestions that the two of you can discuss and implement.

Don't come in here and tell us we have an "affliction". It's rude, and oh yeah, insensitive.

> I have adopted the following managerial operating system for him.

If it's for him, he's better suited to tell you if it's useful than we are. But fine, since you want our input...

1. This is mostly good, although it comes off as condescending.
   
2. "what I would have done differently" As long as the end result meets/exceeds goals, it doesn't matter that you would have done it differently. As for putting him on the defensive, as an HSP this is probably the exact opposite of what I would want.
   
3. You didn't provide enough context for why you want to implement this rule. If by no music you mean no audible music is allowed in the office, then yes I agree. But I often use headphones with music to block out the annoying office noises around me with something I enjoy, and if you told me that was "not allowed" I would hate you.
   
4. HSPs make better figures of authority. You should probably just switch jobs with him. Again, I don't know where principle #4 came from. Is this a current problem for him? What solution would he prefer? You might be better off providing a clear set of priorities and the resources to get things done, rather than whatever "limiting his authority" might mean.
   
   Bottom line though, it will benefit both you and your employees if instead of just skimming the book on the topic, you develop an honest desire to actually understand the HSP characteristic.

All of it and the lifestyle changes in The Depression Cure. My therapist told me that fish oil is like motor oil to our brains, and I learned the hard way that my supplements were pulling real weight when I ran out of them for a few weeks, long enough for them to leave my system. Naturopaths often have extra tools at their disposal that regular MDs don't, but a naturopath MD (key part being MD) will also understand the traditional western med side as well, and in my experience, they can help you navigate a broader range of options so you can be as aggressive as you feel comfortable with. I told mine I wanted to try what I lovingly refer to as 'hippy shit' first, then go to antidepressants later if needed. They supported that approach and provided great care along the way. But I feel my best when I have an all irons in all fires approach - the meds, the supplements, and all the lifestyle points.

Maybe the crying stems from being overwhelmed by your emotions and thus a bit too carried away.
I use several techniques to help me not get "up there" too much. Focusing on my breathing can be one of them, paying attention to my posture is another, directing my attention to body parts (especially the feet) and bodily sensations... I use several, but the general purpose is to re-ground myself.

Another explanation could be that you are unable to express your feelings in a way that would be satisfying to you (or maybe even that you are judging yourself for your feelings).
You could look into NonViolent Communication (this is a nice introduction), I found it to be a great tool to learn self-compassion and expression.

Good luck out there, I bet you are a beautiful person.

I've had this kind of thing before too. At first I thought I was sensing the future somehow, but after learning I'm HSP, and empathic, I now realize I easily pick up other people's "stuff"--what they think, feel, and want--though it doesn't come labeled as someone else's, so it's hard to tell whose it is. I also tend to be passive, so what the other person wants often does come to pass--makes it seem like I foresaw it, but actually I just felt their desire long before they made their desire into reality.

I've found this ability comes with major drawbacks, and I went looking for ways to have better control over what I'm picking up and from whom. I found a rather woo-woo book for empaths called Become the Most Important Person in the Room and I have to say it's really helping.

As u/scippie implied, how much you pick up has a lot to do with how much attention you pay to someone and how much interest you have in them.

Yes! Meditation! Specifically, Mindfulness. I started off with this. There is an older freebie too. Of course you'd need a relatively quiet place to practice first, maybe take up hiking? The only thing I can say about it, is that it shows you a different way of looking at reality in a non-judgemental way. I don't mean we go around judging people, but our minds judge the noise and deems it "irritating". Being in a mindful state bypasses this judgement the mind puts on things like that. It's not a magic cure, and it only works short term for me but is highly effective in that short term. The default "20 mins" the material suggested starting with is the longest i've been able to truly tolerate and accept an irritating thing in my environment, which is 19 minutes and 59 seconds longer than I ever could before. I don't mean i'm sitting in a meditative state like some idiot while the neighbor is sawing wood either, i'm able to passively accept the noises for about 20 minutes while doing other tasks, i'm assuming as a consequence of my practice and education about my self. I hope the amount of time increases with practice. I only just started two months ago myself and have already seen some improvements.

Sorry to hear about what you went through. Things will only get better. Glad that you're reaching out to other HSPs.

Yesterday, I was watching a podcast with Brene Brown and Russell Brand where they discussed their own kids' behavior and compliance. I hope you relate to the segment as she mentions choice theory.

I also recommend reading the book [Running on Empty] (https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=running+on+empty&qid=1574127505&sr=8-2) by Dr. Jonice Webb

Best of luck! ♥

You are not alone in feeling this way. The way I think of it is I feel like I have the wrong kind of interpersonal Velcro for most people, so they just don’t stick like I perceive most other people stick to each other. It’s understandable for this to make one feel defective, and very alone.

I try to twist it and think of it as an advantage, I think the upside to this means that you can be capable of tremendous self-sufficiency. Invest in you. Take care of yourself even when you want more than anything for someone else to take care of you.

I’m also prone to beating myself over the head with painful facts like “everyone always leaves me”, “nobody loves me like I love people”, etc. these feel so true because you might not have instances to contradict these “facts”. But in truth this is a fallacy summed up as “what you see is all there is” by Daniel Kahneman in Thinking, Fast and Slow link. Just because everyone has left doesn’t mean everyone will always leave. There are billions of humans and we happen to be a tiny percentage who have this sensitivity, there are still millions of us and millions more who have the empathy and imagination to understand us to some extent. Don’t give up. Good luck.

Great post... I agree with almost everything you wrote, and your conclusion: Having a great inner life, cultivating yourself, etc. Our problem with relationships is that we don't understand the "games" 80% of men/women play in our culture. I find HSPs are generally good in most areas, once they discover and embrace their traits; however, HSP men (I can speak only of my experience) have a highly unrealistic, romanticized notion of finding "the one" or a "soul mate", putting women an pedestals, etc... Those are just beliefs that don't match with reality/biology. It sucks to realize this, but it's true... I talk about this in my latest video (see comment somewhere in this thread). Don't give up or get cynical. Align your life paradigm up with reality. For example, you wrote "Many of the things i did weren't for myself but for her sake" ...it seems counter-intuitive, but this is actually not wise. You give your power away, and in so doing, most women actually lose respect for you. Haven't you seen situation where a guy treats a woman like shit, but she can't leave him? The relationship is all about him, but she will not leave...even when guys like us are right there, willing to be in relationship. Now, I'm not saying it's ok to treat women (or anyone) like shit, but what is that dynamic? Why does it work the way it does? Why are nice guys ALWAYS in the "friendzone"? We have incorrect beliefs about male/female interaction. In fact, reality is 180 degrees different than what you were taught/learned growing up. Don't even think about dating until you read the following book. It will change your life in the area of relationships and self-empowerment...

The Rational Male: Rollo Tomassi
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

you’re welcome this might be a good read for you

I would work on enjoying your time alone and if you’re bored figure out what would change that or what you would rather go do learn to separate your emotions and desires from the status quo around you your satisfaction goes deeply beyond whatever group of people you are in

maybe work on how you present yourself too conversationally online etc I think the things you like are what a lot of people like and I don’t see stigma unless you’re some forever alone gamer nerd

also be careful of how you talk about yourself and your circumstances language like disgust me, people are fake, whatever else of this defeatist attitude seeps out can be a real turn off and you want to be as authentic but also as attractive as possible (especially since you have such little dating experience)

meetup is a website for groups of people with shared interests to have a meetup about that and get to know new people

Here I go writing a huge wall of advice when you just needed to vent. Anyway, good luck and feel free to ignore the following paragraphs:

DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychologist or counselor.

It's really not that strange to imagine someone saying something to you, especially in a noisy place. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to invalidate your (or anyone's!) feelings, but I would like to suggest that perhaps there's more going on than the immediate situation, emotionally speaking.

Are you especially afraid of doing something wrong in public or of social awkwardness? (Or is there anything else about the situation that often triggers seemingly unusual fear/anger/frustration/etc?) I believe that this may not be just HSP, but also some kind of trauma. (Which tends to be a pretty good guess, because virtually everyone is traumatized in some way.)

In any case, I find that the best way to deal with these feelings is to not fight them or flee from them. If you can, try to embrace the feeling completely, go through it and see where it takes you. Try not to think too much, just let whatever comes come naturally. Be warned though, things could get much worse before they become better, but they always do.

A good question to ask yourself might be: "What's the worst thing that could happen [if people think I'm behaving odd/hallucinating]?" And the thing that comes to you might just be something awful from your childhood.

And I'm convinced the same goes for hearing voices. I found Eleanor Longden's TED talk on the subject quite enlightening. Basically she says that any voices you hear tend to represent repressed/unacknowledged emotions or needs. Were you alright? Did you just need someone to ask you that for some reason?

I can't really hope to teach you how to deal with traumas over the internet (assuming you actually need to). In my opinion Ingeborg Bosch's theory of Past Reality Integration offers the most practical and widely applicable set of tools to deal with these things on your own or with the help of a therapist.

I don't know of any articles, but [this book](The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0767903366/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_z2.Eyb1TH3XY9) was recommended to me by my therapist. I'm still waiting for it to arrive, so I can't give a personal review, but it's well rated on Amazon.

Just catching up with reading . . .
Good luck with adjusting your diet regarding tannins! That's very interesting info. If eliminating tannins doesn't work, perhaps you'd like to check out info on adrenal fatigue. It sounds as though that could be an issue too. Just a thought . . .
http://www.amazon.com/Adrenal-Fatigue-Century-Stress-Syndrome/dp/1890572152/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1464133745&sr=8-3&keywords=adrenal+fatigue

I was just about to post something to this effect! As long as I can remember I've felt unable to make connections with people, I've only ever had one serious romantic relationship (in my 20s) and I'm 41 now. I started reflecting on my childhood (authoritarian parenting, probably not much attention paid to my emotional needs) and I started doing some research. I'm currently reading this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3XIQRRSYKEJW&keywords=running+on+empty+overcome+your+childhood+emotional+neglect&qid=1567155056&s=gateway&sprefix=running+on+%2Caps%2C140&sr=8-1 and trying to work out if I was emotionally neglected growing up. A lot of the symptoms of that in adulthood are just as you, and many of us, describe and experience.

EDIT: I know you were talking specifically about siblings, weren't you, but I thought this book might help someone anyway!

I recently read a book called Attached. It was so helpful and understanding my attachment style and how to navigate it. I hope this helps.

I understand about the dreaming aspect . . ! My crush dominates my dreams weather it's her trying to kill me or her and I traveling the world together.

Then when I wake up it's as if they really happened, more real than real life sometimes.

Don't feel silly for feeling sad just identify your emotions and let them pass [easier said than done, I know!].
You choose how you react to anything so don't let your unconscious control the show. Just know that your sensitivity is an advantage. It just takes hard work and positive affirmations to see it as that.

I would recommend that you read these books [The Highly Sensitive Person](The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553062182/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_065Kyb4FFYYTD) and The Highly Sensitive Person in Love](The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0767903366/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_785Kyb4K5KH0Q)

They are authored by the woman who coined the term HSP who after living a life of being highly sensitive, interviewed thousands of people with HSP symptoms and issues. If you have to choose one just read The Highly Sensitive Person because it touches on relationships.

Excellent book, I recommend it as well.
Elaine Aron coined the term HSP, and she is one herself. She knows her stuff :)

I am now reading another one of her books "The Highly Sensitive Person In Love", which discusses more about relationships (mostly romantic ones, but others as well). Learning how to maintain relationships sounds like a practical way of fighting the loneliness.

Edit: There are new issues from 2016 with updated research:

The Highly Sensitive Person

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love

Have you had an opportunity to read this book yet? I'm asking because it helped me understand my upbringing, which sounds similar to yours.

This:
https://www.amazon.ca/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0973468408

The PDF is easy to find online. I've quit and it's greatly reduced my stress. I have no cravings, I was able to go for a walk with my smoking friend one day 2 and not have the desire to smoke.

I got these for going into stores

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07L5LPSQT/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

This used to be me.

First, I went to therapy. Depending on your culture, that might be a talk therapist, a psychiatrist, a shaman, a healer, a reiki master, a Zen Buddhist master, a rabbi or priest, a talk therapy phone line, or even a counselor.

One thing I realized in therapy was that I had TONS of pent up anger and resentment. So, whenever I would get into a situation that would cause me more anxiety than usual(I had pretty bad anxiety), everything would come spilling out in tears.

Once I started working with my therapist on

• healthy ways of dealing with my anger and resentment
  
  
• along with using nonviolent communication techniques(which means going to a deeper level and figuring out "the needs behind any reaction or emotion and responding empathically, so ideally all parties involved in any type of dispute may find peace.")Book here.
  
  
• implementing positive self talk
  
  
• becoming ok with myself crying and letting go of the shame I'd been made to feel up to that point in regards to crying
  
  I began to see a huuuge improvement in how often I cried. It wasn't an overnight thing. It took a dedicated effort on my part to do the above things. During that time I also began to go through various therapy routes, some of which are mentioned there.
  
  I remember one specific coping mechanism whenever I was furious was to either a)get a bat and go to town on a pillow b) do something physical like chop wood c) go out into the car with the windows up and scream.
  
  I hope this helps you in some way!