(Part 2) Top products from r/raisedbyborderlines

Oh boy do I sympathize with you, this sounds eerily similar to my own issues with my uBPD mother trying to manipulate my wonderful but BPD naive in-laws. My mother always felt entitled to holidays with me and my SO's family celebrations because she is "just one person" and she has "no one".

My uBPD mother had a habit of calling my MIL, waifing her into lunches or phone conversations where she proceeded to bleed information out of my MIL that I'd been gray rocking her from or relying on my MIL for advice on how to handle our relationship.

Recently, my uBPD mother escalated her bad behavior in a spectacular way and so it was a convenient time to address it with the in-laws. In your case, you could possibly lead with "After (pwBDP's) behavior at our wedding and with a new little life on the way, we acknowledged that things had to change. We have decided to significantly limit contact with (pwBPD), it will be difficult and painful for (OP) and here is what we would like to ask of you."

Here's what I chose to do, feel free to use any of the language word for word if it would be helpful to you or your SO:

- Because this dealt with my husbands family, I had him reach out to my uBPD mother via text (I wanted it in writing) and tell her in no uncertain terms that she was not to reach out to his family whatsoever. He wasn't unkind - I'd describe it a business professional. Granted, my uBPD mother knew unequivocally that we were taking a period of NC when he sent this so it didn't come out of the blue.

- I also had my husband speak to his family without me - I think he called his mother. It didn't feel appropriate to have me speak with them about it because it's his family. I didn't want them to feel like I was chiding them. He shared with his mother about some of the troublesome behaviors my uBPD mother had, explained that we were going NC with her for a while to start creating healthy and firm boundaries with her as she really struggles with them. He explained that we needed to do this to protect his child from suffering similar behavior and that it was important to him that his parents respect that. He told them he didn't feel it was fair of my uBPD mother to manipulate them into the middle of a difficult situation. It was best for them to simply leave her calls unanswered and unreturned but to let him know if she reached out. He reassured them they were not being unkind by not responding to her as their first priority was him and his family, not his SO's mothers feelings. She (my uBPD mother) is a grown adult woman and she can handle it. He also reached out to his siblings and basically said, "Hey, if my MIL calls or emails you just ignore it, but let me know. We're going no contact with her for a while and she's been told not to contact my family. Sorry to be awkward and dramatic, but it's serious and we appreciate it. Feel free to ask any questions of us - we're happy to explain more." (We didn't need to - most people don't want to touch that with a 10' pole)

A few weeks later my MIL and I spoke about it, because she is kind and wanted to know how I was doing. She mentioned feeling fear, obligation and guilt (not in those words but I understood the interpretation) about anticipating having to ignore calls from my mother and how she worried it would sink my mother into a depression. I told her I understood that it was difficult to do, how as (uBPD mother's) daughter I have the same very intense feelings and doubts. However, I was working on not taking responsibility for other peoples feelings and subsequent choices. If my uBPD mother wanted to behave in a certain way because she simply didn't like that I had emotional and physical boundary limits, that was her personal problem not mine. I gently encouraged her to adopt the same mindset.

- When inevitably my MIL asked questions like "I just don't get it, she seems like such a nice lady", "I think she just wants friends, she's very lonely." I would follow up with a few questions that seemed to "click" for her. I asked,
•When you meet/speak with my mom does she often seem to be relying on you for emotional support related to her and my relationship?
•Does that seem appropriate or normal to you as my in-law?
• When you meet/speak, does she ever ask you any questions about yourself or does she just ask questions about me?

She answered as you'd expect and several times since she's said, "You're so right, she never asks about me!" I reminded her that healthy friends and family don't use manipulation and pity to extract information on others. I explained that my mother has BPD and it makes healthy relationships hard. I earnestly told her "It isn't right to accept that type of treatment from anyone, especially your DIL's mother, and it was absolutely not okay with me that she does that to you as I deeply valued our relationship. You are my friend as well as my MIL and I won't let people treat you that way even if those people are my own mother."

I was really surprised with how well my in-laws handled it (I'm conditioned to expect a fight when I create a boundary), but like the relatively normal people they are they said something to the effect of "Absolutely. We want to do whatever is best for you and our grandchild, regardless of what we don't or can't fully understand." Then we played a card game, ate lunch and talked about mundane things. It was a HUGE growth moment for me, seeing healthy communication modeled in that way and "parent figures" respecting boundaries without question was incredible. It. Felt. So. Good. I actually thought in my head "Am I a grown up now?! I feel like I might be a grown up." I am 38 years old. I bet a lot of RBB's can relate to that forever a child feeling. :)

OP, I hope you get to have that feeling as well. You deserve it, your marriage deserves it and your new baby deserves it!

Side note: When I was pregnant with my first (and only) child I didn't know what BPD was or that my mother had it. I just called it "30+ years of bat shit crazy". I recently read a book called It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn. I would have LOVED to have read this before my child was born. It's about inherited family trauma which many of our pwBDP's suffered and subsequently they inflicted back on us with their atrocious behavior. Maybe it will resonate with you, and possibly others reading this post as well.

Sorry this was so long. Heh.

Edited: brevity and grammar

I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.

It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.

My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here:
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE

My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.

I just sent my NC letter today.

It took me about 4 months to get to this point. What made me actually send it was reading a book called Educated which is a memoir about a borderline dad. Not the same, but it showed me how an entire family can orchestrate themselves together to help support the person with the disorder.

What I expect moving forward is that I won't see a lot of my family on her side. She is very close to two of my cousins, and I don't expect them to understand my point of view. I expect that they will potentially try to force us together.

This means that I, and you, have choices. If you are feeling this struggle, I wonder if your brother is too? He might be more receptive than you think to meeting without your mom involved at all. No matter what, it is your choice if you see her or not. It is your choice if you want to communicate with her or not. If your childhood was like mine, you spent a lot of time raising yourself - and probably some time raising her as well. You don't need her to be a good person, or to justify your choices, or to live your life happily.

Good luck!

Totally fine! Here’s the link to the one I bought:

ZALALOVA Cat Window Perch, Cat... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MMTBVZ1?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It’s always on sale—I got it for about $15 USD and the twins love it. It’s also super durable considering Noxie (fluffy boy!) will eat everything in his path and hasn’t been able to even start to chew through the wires holding it up.
It make take your girlie a little getting used to, be prepared to have the thought “well that was a waste”, because, at least with my two, they definitely didn’t take to it right away, but they’re obsessed with it now.
Tip: it was just a little too big for my window with the bottom suction cups on, but it’s got enough leeway that you can actually just have the seat resting in the sill and it’ll still be nice and safe.
Hope she loves it!

Wow, I'm glad you're OK. That's really scary. I'm sure its totally normal to feel hypervigilant after that kind of trauma, so be gentle with yourself. Talk to your therapist, maybe they have some suggestions of exercises to do? Positive self talk, telling yourself you're OK, you're safe, when you're feeling scared. Or maybe go the active route and take a self defense class? Whatever you do, it will take time to feel normal again. And that's totally normal.

There's a great book called The Gift of Fear. Check it out

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

Hang in there.

> I had NO idea she was BPD. . .Was she secretly abusive? Christ that sucks. . .

I don't know about abusive, but apparently she had the ragefits, the crying and screaming, and the splitting everyone black or white. And she treated her staff horribly... I guess she was abusive, come to think of it. If you can get your hands on this book, you'll find it very enlightening. It paints a picture of a classic BPD.

> Thanks though, I feel better today, even though its monday, lol.

I'm glad you feel better! 😽

I have a shelf full, but here are some winners for BPD:

Toxic Parents

Mothers Who Can't Love
Emotionally Absent Mother

Will I Ever Be Good Enough

Drama of the Gifted Child

Children of the Self-Absorbed

My SO and I are both super sensitive-- we decided to study NVC together (non-violent communication) and also read this book-- I highly recommend it. Transformative: https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 .

This was my first holiday home after discovering and coming to grips with the fact that I was raised by a uBPD mother. It was difficult for me too, but I feel like being armed with that information opened the door for growth. I'm also finding (as a 30 year old man) that it is painful to start processing all of this now, but I think in the long run it will be worth it. Even just reading Surviving a Borderline Parent is stressful and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

You're not alone, and I'd even venture to say that your reaction is pretty normal. It's going to be important to establish some healthy outlets to deal with the anxiety you're feeling. I suggest:

1. Try to get some regular exercise,
   
2. Give yourself something to do other than eat and drink,
   
3. Try to limit yourself to 3 drinks,
   
4. Bad sleep due to anxiety can be a vicious cycle, so maybe consider Melatonin,
   
5. Consider reading either Feeling Good or When Panic Attacks (both by David D. Burns)
   
   I can't recommend those two books highly enough. The former is better if you're feeling more depressed, the latter if you're feeling more anxious. Both are basically Cognitive Behavior Therapy for dummies.

I just want to say as someone with an enabler mother, thanks for making this post. I saved it. I'm going to get some comparisons off my chest, and drop some links to some resources that I've personally found useful in reading about enabler mothers.

> I told him he knows how his dad is and that he has to deal with it.

That sounds a lot like my enabler mother. She also insisted that all men are just like that, which led me to be terrified of all men for a while when I was a kid. Like, when a kind firefighter who was trained in preschool outreach came to our school, I was internally freaking out the whole time because he was a man, even though he was my babysitter's husband. Mom insisted uBPD dad was "normal". She said a lot of things that just aren't true, but as a kid, I had no reference to know that it was bullshit.

> She said she couldn't do anything about it.

Uh-huh.

> For her, her family is perfect, because she does a perfect job in fixing everything

There's a book about that called The Enabler by Angelyn Miller. It was written by a literal 1950s housewife who woke up and realized that her enabling of her mentally ill husband was destroying her family. It took her adult son getting institutionalized while her husband whined and pouted like a toddler for her to wake up. She realized that she was desperate to feel needed, and was willing to push her children down so that she could be the one to pick them up. Of course, having made that realization when her kids were adults, she was trying to close the barn door after the horse had long since bolted. So she wrote a book that's a warning to other potential enabler mothers. It's only a little over a hundred pages, so I highly recommend it for RBBs who want the perspective of a reformed enabler. I gave my copy to my sister to help her learn how to avoid our enabler mother's mistakes.

I've been writing a lot about my Emom on another sub, and my book list also includes The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd ed by Jasmin Lee Cori. It's one of the few books I've found to talk about both abusive and enabler mothers. If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. Chapter 9: "Childlike Parenting" mentions enabler mothers and talks through examples. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. The "passive" parenting style is the enabler. And also an excerpt from Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, page 83. It mentions why some enablers will never wake up. I'm just going to copy-paste a bit of another reddit comment I've made about it here since linking to other subs is against the rules:

> Total Surrender

> Terror, intermittent reward, isolation, and enforced dependency may succeed in creating a submissive and compliant prisoner. But the final step in the psychological control of the victim is not completed until she has been forced to violate her own moral principles and to betray her basic human attachments. Psychologically, this is the most destructive of all coercive techniques, for the victim who has succumbed loathes herself. It is at this point, when the victim under duress participates in the sacrifice of others, that she is truly "broken"

> In domestic battery, the violation of principles often involves sexual humiliation. Many battered women describe being coerced into sexual practices that they find immoral or disgusting; others describe being pressured to lie, to cover up for their mate's dishonesty, or even to participate in illegal activities. The violation of relationship often involves the sacrifice of children. Men who batter their wives are also likely to abuse their children. Although many women who do not dare to defend themselves will defend their children, others are so thoroughly cowed that they fail to intervene even when they see their children mistreated. Some not only suppress their own inner doubts and objections but cajole their children into compliance or punish them for protesting. Once again, this pattern of betrayal may begin with apparently small concessions but eventually progresses to the point where even the most outrageous physical or sexual abuse of the children is borne in silence. At this point, the demoralization of the battered woman is complete.

The author goes on to discuss the same phenomena in prisoners of war, then talks about how people in both situations employ "dissociation, voluntary thought suppression, minimization, and sometimes outright denial...to alter an unbearable reality."

Unbearable. My mother dissociates whenever directly confronted about our childhood abuse. What mother can stand up and say "yeah I threw my kids to the wolves and used them as meat shields"? And that's when I learned that she'll never change, which is the important take away.

> She spoiled her son far beyond the appropriate age, treating him like a toddler, which I think is as damaging as his dad treating him as an adult, and the combination is deadly. I think she wanted to make up for his fathers harshness.

Yup. That was also my enabler mother. It got to the point that her infantilization was getting in the way. She attempted to impersonate me to the bureau of motor vehicles (!!!) because in her head I was too helpless to renew the registration on my car (?!?!?!) at age twenty-four (?!?!?!). She tried to register my car in her hometown instead of where I actually live, which would've fucked up a lot of things for me too. She also seized control of my retirement account, because it was opened when I was a minor, then proceeded to lose access to it. It's a public employee fund, so methinks that I'll have to drive to the offices in our state's capital city to clean up her mess. She insisted on controlling my cell phone account, because I was supposedly too irresponsible, then she lost all the passwords and I had to get a whole new phone number and everything. She took paper prescriptions that I needed for a controlled substance, then lost them in the parking lot outside the doctor's office. The list goes on and on and on...

It's all projection. She's a scared little girl trapped in a woman's body, so rather than build herself up and learn to be more responsible, she tried to tear her children down so that she could tell herself that she was the "adult" in the relationship and feel needed. She needed us to act as meatshields for uBPD dad's rages. And to act as her emotionally enmeshed therapist. And for a lot of other unhealthy and codependent reasons. So her way of making it difficult for us to escape was meddling and infantilizing.

> I see how absolutely exhausted she is and has been for years. She and her SO can't live without each other, they tried for a few month decades ago.

My mother is physically and emotionally exhausted. She gets home from work and collapses. It enrages uBPD dad worse because he's a black hole that can never be filled, and he has sucked so much of the life out of my mother that there isn't much left to give anymore. She tried being away from my dad after he was very violent around eight years ago. She went running right back to him and I think even apologized. (Facepalm).

> I don't really want to see her.

Interacting with an enabler who's stuck in the FOG can be infuriating as an RBB. Like yeah, I get it, it's tough to escape an abusive situation. But my enabler mother has spent almost 3 decades as my father's enabler and has turned down offers of help from her family (including a place to stay!), from law enforcement (an escape plan to get her away from uBPD dad!), and her place of employment (it's a large corporation, and she has a very specialized and in-demand job. They're still paying five-figure sign on bonuses for it. She could be transferred to another facility hundreds of miles away from dad and closer to one of her brothers if she actually wanted it). She could talk to the pastor at her local church. She's the &%#ing breadwinner between her and dad! His BPD is too bad for him to hold a job, but he demands that her paycheck be direct deposited into an account that he controls. I just.....A AAAAAAHHGGGGGH! Talking to her makes me want to bash my head against a wall until I lose consciousness!

> The son doesn't really count to neither of them, they absolutely adore each other.

That squares up with my experience and with this article that I think is in the RBB primer. The BPD mother's primary attachment object is often her children. The BPD father's primary attachment object is often his spouse. So having a BPD dad makes it a lot easier to escape as an adult, because he gives less of a shit. But it makes it harder for an enabler parent to get out. I'm not a psychologist or anything, that's just me spitballing.

(apparently this is too long- to be continued below as a reply to this comment)