"When a man prides himself on being able to understand and interpret a difficult book, say to yourself: If the book had been well written this man would have nothing on which to pride himself." Epictetus - Encheiridon #49.

No person is superior

Those people are not "superior people", they just have some qualities that, for you, seem to be "better" than the ones you possess. You know the advice for people with stage fright, the one about imagining others naked? It's not only about "funny image", when we are naked it's hard to think someone is better. Sure, one person is ripped, other is fat, other is regular Joe, but at some point we're just a bag of meat and bones. It's character what makes people and gives them value.

Now imagine those people you find intimidating "intellectualy naked". Not dumb, not childish, but blank. You know nothing about them and they probably know nothing about you. Use this both ways: to know others and know yourself.

Know yourself

First, know yourself. Define your values, what do you believe and why. We often feel hollow inside in some way - financially, spiritually, social or other. When we have this hole inside, and it seems like this other person don't, we compare our "hole" with their "whole". But it's not that they are better, it's just that they know what they can and want to represent. If you find this out it'll be easier to see the differences between you and other people as a things to discuss, not to compare. You're not better or worse - we're all just different.

Improve yourself

I'm talking about values like "respect" or "responsibility", but we often think about values in terms of "wealth", "education" and things like that. You can do this, sure, but forget about comparing yourself to others. They did they job, you have to do yours. You think you suck at something? Get better. You envy someone? Work on it and get it for yourself or forget about it forever. You can only be better than you. What if someone you find superior dies? Are you superior now? No, you're still you. Worse, what if someone you find inferior dies? What if you were second-to-last? You are now the worst, aren't you?

You have to use only yourself as your reference point and start your work from there. Your progress won't be linear, it'll look like a parabole drawn by someone with Parkinsons, but you'll be better everyday. You'll have ups and downs all the time, but you'll manage to get better everyday.

Get to know them

Now, when you finally know something about yourself it's easy work from there. You see, social skills starts from you, not some short advice on the web. You can know how to talk, walk and move to be "social", but the fact is, you don't always have to be the "social-est" person in the room. Some people are dicks, you can ignore them. Some people worked on something longer than you, learn from them. Others just started on something you're kind of knowledgeable about - ask if they need help.

Assume you know nothing about others. You won't find out unless you ask. If your questions are awesome, annoying or brilliant, they'll tell you. Find out for yourself. Be confident, but humble.

You'll believe in yourself only when you know what to believe in.


.

Some links to help

• Define your core values: http://dawnbarclay.com/core-values
  
  
• Meditate with help from /r/Meditation. It'll help you to stay calm in potentially stressful situations.
  
  
• Read a book about charisma: Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane (no ref link). There are many "social skills" excercises, they really helped me and I belive they'll help you. :)
  
  
  Sorry it's not your typical two-sentences-long answer, I hope you'll find it helpful though. :)

Reading is great. Yes, you do have to get out there to learn social skills, like some are saying here. However, you can also learn a lot from other people's experience, which is what a book is. Use books to supplement what you are learning from your actions. Some good ones:

• HTWF&IP, like everyone else mentioned. A classic for a reason. Not everyone will love it, but you need to find out for yourself if it suits you.
  
  
• Choice Theory by William Glasser also really opened my eyes, in terms of managing relationships. It really showed me how trying to change other people is really at the root of most relationship problems, especially romantic ones. It also helped me realize just how much we control our own minds, and how we can change more about ourselves than we normally think.
  
  
• The Game by Neil Strauss introduced me to the "seduction community". I had no idea social skills could be studied in such a methodical fashion. And despite the negative reputation, there is a lot of wisdom to be found in those circles, that can even help you in a relationship or in other aspects of your life.
  
  
• Various books on salesmanship, which is social skills put to a direct professional use. Nothing especially great jumps out in my mind, but a lot of these books are pretty short. Go to a used book store and pick up a few.
  
  
• One Phone Call Away by Jeffrey Meshel. It is about professional networking, but this applies to personal "networking" as well. What I learned most, is that networking is really about looking for opportunities to put two people you know together for their mutual benefit. In other words, to be a good networker, you need to go network to help out people you know. By doing that, your own network expands, and people are more likely to help you in return. Karma basically. This also helps in your personal life. Its like the old-timey tradition of hosting a dinner party and then introducing two friends of yours who don't know each other but you know will get along well.
  
  
• Various books on pop psychology. Understanding how people think (including yourself) can help you socially. I think this is especially important for relationships / friends / family, and it can also help you protect yourself emotionally from the wrong kind of people.
  
  
• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. A lot of the problems people have on this reddit are really "emotional" ones. If you know you have to talk to girls to get a GF, and you want a GF, then why wouldn't you talk to girls? Your logic is sound, but your emotions (fear, low self-esteem, etc) are what prevent you from acting. Understand your emotions and they will be your second brain, making you twice as smart. Fail to understand them and you are a slave to them.
  
  Social skills is a really broad category and really involves a lifetime of study. What could be more rewarding than having quality relationships with family, friends, significant others, etc? Its worth putting the effort into continuous self improvement here.

A lot of books can offer valid practical advice, but AFAIK, there is no one compendium that you have to read. The best thing you can do is develop a mindset consisting of your values regarding interpersonal interaction. Social skills are 80% mindset and 20% taking a plunge and a willingness to try.


Apart from the books I suggested in the other thread, I can only advise you to branch out:

• Many people, among them myself, appreciate ancient stoicism (Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius). Philosophy, ethics in particular, can be highly beneficial, because it forces you to actually think about what your values are supposed to look like.
  
  
• /r/howtonotgiveafuck is modern stoicism and relates to our discussion about how much you should care.The quality varies - I haven't checked it out lately, but it went through excellent and less than stellar phases.
  
  
• It is always useful to understand body language, to avoid sending negative body signals, understand others better and become more expressive. This book is great.
  
  
• /r/getsuave is a subreddit aimed at those who want to build charisma and navigate social situations with elegance. It is concerned with dating and attraction a lot.
  
  
• "How to win friends and influence people" will probably be suggested. It was revolutionary when it came out, but today, it's more of a staple. An interesting read, but not the holy grail. Also less manipulative than the title suggests.
  
  
• Personality psychology, albeit a fuzzy field, might prove useful. It can open your eyes to how different people are, which can lead to a better understanding of yourself and others. MBTI is highly popular, but entirely unscientific - the theory behind it is wobbly and wonky. If you want to take a test, I'd suggest this one, as it cuts down on the theory fluff and aims at incorporating Big5, the most reliable and scientific tool to date.

So I literally just came back from a blind, first date with a girl. Knowing nothing about each other, we were able to talk for about three hours. A common bit of advice is to ask open-ended questions to them. People usually like to talk about themselves, and if you show interest in learning more about them, they'll typically respond positively to that.

Sometimes you run out of questions in the normal flow of conversation (Are you in school? What are you studying? Why do you like that subject?--maybe you're out of questions at this point). It's ok to let things pause for a moment. A moment of silence is ok. Sometimes I'll let my eyes wander to see if anything catches my eye as something to talk about. If not, it's ok to just start a new topic altogether after a few moments have passed. "What are your favorite TV shows?" Something like that's an easy question to start from.

Something else I've learned to do is speak up myself. Although it's nice (and helpful for us who are shy) to let somebody else talk, it can be tiring for one person to do all the talking. It's ok and usually welcome to interject with your own stories. It keeps things moving and lets them get to know you better too. "My favorite shows are New Girl and Parks & Rec." -- "No kidding? I haven't seen Parks & Rec, but I hear it's a lot like the Office, which is one of my favorites. I was just watching it over the weekend, and I realized that my coworker is just like Dwight". You're building off of what they're saying by sharing some stories of your own. This keeps the conversation flowing naturally, let's them get to know you too, and increases the chances of them being able to piggyback off what you say. Obviously, you don't want to be rude in interrupting them, but occasionally it's ok to interject. If you mention something that they don't respond to "Oh, I thought the Office was terrible. [silence]", then just go back to the previous subject. "Ha, yeah, the dry humor isn't for everyone. What do you like about Parks & Rec?"

Being a good conversationalist takes practice, and I'm sure others have lots of good advice to help with it. For me, the biggest thing is staying mentally present. Keeping aware of my surroundings, not zoning out, relaxing my mind, avoiding getting caught up thinking about other things...that's the key for me to stay focused and engaged.

There's a book called "The Power of Now" that has helped me, even in my mid-twenties, really improve. There's a bunch of New Age stuff in there that I don't care for, but if you look past that to the underlying ideas of staying mentally in-the-present, it's got some really helpful advice. If you find yourself getting nervous during conversations, it'd be worth picking up from the library.

Good luck, and don't panic!

I understand the 'put my foot down' mentality you're going for, but from what you've written it comes off as coming from a place of insecurity. Yes you have to establish boundaries for what you consider to be acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, but more importantly you have to recognize when you're doing things reactionarily to others or if you're truly acting out of self respect. The author Ayn Rand discusses this concept in Fountainhead,

>"Others dictated his convictions, which he did not hold, but he was satisfied that others believed he held them. Others were his motive power and his prime concern. He didn’t want to be great, but to be thought great. He didn’t want to build, but to be admired as a builder." Fountainhead Chapter IX, Part 4, pp. 605

Are you doing things to show others you have self-respect and boundaries, boundaries which are defined by reactions of others, or do you have self-defined boundaries developed out of self-respect.

I hope you'll take this as constructive criticism rather than an attack on your person.

Ok let's be real for a second. You were fairly invested in her and she didn't reciprocate. She sent some signals of disinterest that you picked up on 'acting distant and not making an effort to message me', then she sent a soft rejection, 'I'm busy' (I'm guessing she didn't propose another time by saying something like 'I'm busy but I can do this Saturday').

Because you were still invested in her, you pushed through the indicators and tried to get her to return investment in you by [demonstrating value] initiating conversation, cracking jokes and being nice. She didn't respond for a few weeks and then you 'put your foot down' and unfriended her. That's not establishing boundaries, that's acting reactionarily out of a place of insecurity.

Let's talk about what you could've done differently, and the underlying mindset behind what you did in comparison.

• I don't know how the date actually went, clearly there was a different perception of how the date went. Let's skip that since there's no way of figuring it out.
  
• She said she was busy and didn't make an effort to reschedule. This is often the biggest hint you will get, you can't blame girls for doing this rather than being upfront because A) EDIT: Most guys take rejection poorly, and some guys are actually psycho B) You expect them to be confrontational exclusively your benefit. By continuing to message her, and demonstrating value, all you're doing is sending the message 'I'm socially tone deaf. I'm needy and invested in you so I'm trying to show I have value so you return investment'. Instead you could've said "Hey I had a great time with you, you know how to reach me if you wanna meet up again.' then just walked away. That comes from a place of 'This genuine, I have the social grace to recognize your disinterest and respect it, I value myself and haven't invested too much into you but I think you're interesting so let me know if you change your mind, otherwise I'm doing my own thing".
  
• When she becomes unresponsive after a 'I'm busy', it's 100% clear she's not interested, You 'put your foot down' and unfriended her... what you really did was try to show her that you have boundaries and 'punish' her by unfriending her in a, quite honestly, petty juvenile way. If we're brutally honest, she probably didn't have you on her mind during those few weeks, and you unfriending her is you making yourself feel better about the whole situation in a vindictive manner that she probably didn't notice. You already wasted your time by brushing past her disinterest signals, that's on you.
  
• In a comment below you said 'There’s a girl there who is cute and she asked to hang out with me and I said I was busy even though I wasn’t 😅'. Seriously dude? That's a little cringy. You're playing games and being disingenuous to demonstrate value. It's a move that comes out of insecurity, 'I'll pretend I'm busier than I actually am."
  
  Here are a few books which I think may be helpful for you to read.
  
  Subtle art of not giving a fuck
  
  Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

You give good hints, but I personally don't think a restaurant is the place to go to if you want to find out if a girl likes you or not.

Just think about it, there is a whole table full of stuff acting as some kind of 'barrier' between you and the girl. This is "first official date" kind of stuff where you don't have to figure these things out anymore.

I'm not the biggest expert on dating myself, but it's always good to not have such a barrier, and it's also better when you can see her legs. Is she sitting relaxed or does she take defensive/nervous postures? Do her feet point to you or the door? Is one of her feet constantly wipping up and down?

I read in a book on body language, either this one or this one, the former definitely having a chapter on flirting body language, that legs and feet are our most honest parts of the body, and think about it, it makes sense. You can lie with your face (e.g. poker face), with your hands (think of a liar who shows you his palms in a 'wasn't me' kind of way), but we rarely think about what our feet do.

I think that's why café are such popular "dating" places. You don't have to sit across a table, it's a relaxed setting and the seats are very comfortable. It's cheaper than a restaurant, too. When you're in a café you can try to sit next to her, or at least at ~90°.

The Power of the Subconscious Mind is a good one. A key thing it talks about is how not to let others affect your mood negatively. It talks about heterosuggestions and autosuggestions... understanding those things can help a person right away.

I've heard great things about How To Win Friends and Influence People, but I haven't read it yet. May want to check that out.

Lastly, off the top of my head, Convince Them in 90 Seconds or Less. This teaches some basic principles for approaching new situations with a strong professional and composed manner.

Good luck! Remember, investing time and energy on yourself is time well spent.

So this seems like a case of "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". I'm sure that he understands what you're saying on an intellectual level but on an emotional one, he rejects it out of hand due to his conditioning earlier in life. This is probably compounded whenever he is put into a situation where he ends up shutting down, as he basically ends up seeing it as more proof of his "failure".

I don't have a lot of ideas other than perhaps seeing if he is willing to talk to someone in a therapy-like setting. You could also look at trying to find ways to slowly push his boundaries, something like some small get togethers with people he doesn't know well so that he is only a little bit out of his comfort zone.

Ultimately though this will all require him being on board with making changes as well, so sitting down with him and seeing what he is willing to do will be paramount. You'll want to continue to reiterate that you like him just how he is and that you just want him to feel better about himself when you do this.

One final thing would be to look at the book "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" (http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-power-introverts-world-talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2) As a 33 year old shy, introvert guy myself, I found this book really interesting and that it offered some new perspectives on my own life long struggles. It didn't change my life overnight but it has helped me with some of my own self acceptance issues. You could maybe start here, read it yourself first and then offer it to him and see how that goes.

> I cannot fit in because I'm not going to lie to you to be polite.


You know who says things like this? Assholes.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but in taking a quick glance at some of your Reddit posts, you're not being impolite because you're lying. You're simply being unnecessarily rude. It's not about fitting in. There's a certain level of social awareness and tact in interpersonal relationships.


> I guess i don't care enough to do anything.

Therein lies the rub. If you don't care enough to do anything, why are you asking this question? Are you actually looking for advice? Or making a statement that you're happy disguising impoliteness as "truth telling"?

If you're actually looking for advice, start by reading up on social skills. How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great book to begin with.

Here's a great video from Ramit Sethi about "Being Honest without being a Jerk"

I hope this is useful and if you have more specific questions, I'm happy to help.

> but I just haven't been able to decide what I myself really care about, what my personal morals are and what I really think about life.

Write it all down. Seriously, just make a list of everything in the world that you care about, everything in the world you are interested in. Write down what you really want from life, no matter how selfish and stupid it sounds, no-one else is going to read it.

Really have a think and then think about what values you uphold. I'm not talking about "I helped that guy out one time, I must be benevolent". I mean really thing about how you FEEL about things. Really think about the boundaries you uphold and why. Think about the boundaries that you think you should uphold and why.

Write all that stuff down

Once you've written it all down (this may take a while, btw) think of a few changes you could make to your life to move towards what you want and start putting them into place. This could be adding things, like a new habit, but it also could be taking things away, like a toxic friend or influence.

This is a poor and brief description of this idea, I borrowed it from 7 Habits if you want a better explanation, But hopefully it makes sense. I can guarantee that it will help much more than you'd expect, especially if you start reviewing the list regularly (every month or so).

In light of your words about reading up on being "in the moment," i'd like to recommend to OP (and anyone else for that matter) one book in particular that REALLY helped me with developing a "present" mindset.

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle.
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808

Not only does the writing have amazing prose and is easy to understand. But also the author puts considerable effort in helping the reader develop mental techniques and thinking exercises along the way that help to sort of "reset" you in a way, like when you are in a moment where you just can't stop thinking and don't know what to do (causing anxiety).


Like I said the book really helped me so I thought i'd recommend to all who have never read it before.

This book helped me immensely http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

For right now, just see if you can think of 3 good positive things about yourself. No one but you needs to know about them. Asking this question frequently will help you learn to refocus onto more positive things in life and about yourself. Maybe see if you can ask yourself this question every morning when you wake up and/or whenever you are going to sleep.

Also, research "Kaizen" philosophy.

Good luck, fellow traveler

A few tips that may work for you.

• Practice in front of a mirror repeatedly until you can deliver your speech smoothly.
  
• Use visualization before the meeting to practice mentally and enter a successful, positive, charismatic mindset. Visualize yourself doing the introduction or whatever, doing it well and getting positive responses from your audience.
  
• I'm finding this book extremely helpful: The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. In the first few chapters it deals with mindset techniques so you can radiate confidence and charisma from the inside out.

I used to be a deer in headlights when it came to conversation. I was basically a cardboard cut-out of a person that would stand there motionless while everyone else talked. You're right that you won't see much improvement by just reading some Reddit posts. If you want real results, you need to study and work at it. I've been improving myself for almost 20 years now and ALL my knowledge, experience, and lessons are basically in two books:

The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists

You Can Be Funny and Make People Laugh: 35 Humor Techniques that Work for Everyday Conversations

Good luck and hit me up if you have any questions!

-Greg

Try reading Intimate Connections - It's an evidence-based approach to tackling loneliness and building better relationships. It will help you understand and tackle the underlying attitudes that are making it hard for to connect with others, perhaps enabling you to comprehend "this weird arrogant, entitled, envious, fearful, slothful, immature, shallow, foolish part of myself".

http://www.succeedsocially.com/ is also a great place to look

I'd also encourage finding ways to regularly interact with others - meetup.com is a good place to start as there are lots of free options that cater to a variety of interests and welcome anyone who wants to join.

To act yourself, you have to stop caring of what others think of you. A good quote on this is from Eleanor Roosevelt: "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."

A good thing I'd recommend for you to look at are two books, "What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People" and "The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution"". Both of these are listed in the /r/SocialSkills full list of resources. I hope they help you. Personally I've started reading the first book mentioned, and I've found it's pretty good at helping me identify different body language. That book is especially important for me - I have Aspergers, and have always had a hard time reading body language as I never naturally learned how to.

Conversationally Speaking. I bought this book a while back, and it is great for "small talk strategy".

However, I have FINALLY been discovering the last few months or so that a lot of the time, the best thing to say is NOTHING. Let the other person say something to YOU. It is not your responsibility to completely carry a conversation.

If the other person doesn’t say anything to you, and is making no effort to have a balanced conversation, then they probably don’t want to talk. And there’s nothing wrong with that…the sooner we accept that, the better. Lord knows there have been plenty of times where I clammed up because I didn’t want to talk to someone.

he has two that I know of. I read the Small Talk Code. I'm currently reading You Can Be Funny and Make People Laugh. It's awesome. Super detailed.

First of all, kudos for being considerate and even thinking about this. i agree with what inathrowfarfaraway_ said. Your apology was nice also, even if it doesn't completely redeem you for that person. It's hard to hold yourself back when you have something on the tip of your tongue - especially if that's your sense of humor.

I faced a bit of the same issue and what personally helped me was reading How to Be a Gentleman Revised and Expanded: A Timely Guide to Timeless Manners (The GentleManners Series) & Essential Manners for Men 2nd Edition: What to Do, When to Do It, and Why

(I'm a woman, but why do manners have to be gendered) These books helped me think about why some of my jokes were of bad taste and made me feel more comfortable in public settings, socially. I started to recognize peoples reactions better, even if they were reactions to someone else's faux pas.

This advice is good but I think you sound like you really want to learn about what to do. Check out this book on vulnerability by Brene Brown - Daring Greatly.

She also has one of the most popular TED talks out there about the same subject. Here it is

conversationally speaking is my favorite. short enough to finish in 2 full length bathroom breaks too. great to reread for maitenance too.
http://www.amazon.com/Conversationally-Speaking-Increase-Personal-Effectiveness/dp/1565656296/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408374258&sr=1-1&keywords=conversationally+speaking

Buy this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1465925874&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people

Read it end to end. If you have to ask a question like that, this book will be a massive eye opener for you. Hope it helps.

> I feel a sense of social pressure that I am supposed to play the game.

In what ways? It sounds like you are letting others act upon you rather than exercising your own agency.

> Also nobody has ever adequately explained how to escape the paradox of not
> caring that your basic human need for social interaction isn't being met.

Check out this classic work by Dr. David Burns. You have let go of your perceived need for social interaction and become self-content. You must fill the void left by lack of friends with something else, which is a well lived life. You don't need others to do this. How you peceive the situation and how you act are choices. This is the essence of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Once you let go of the need of others and improve your own situation and make your own life, you increase your attractive qualities, which bring people to you. If you cling to others and give up your own agency for social validation, you turn people off or worse invite predators who exploit your weakness.

She also has a great book!

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is also one of the best. (If you failed to follow rules of How To Win Friends and Influence People)

Everything is creepy. Learn all about manners and perhaps girls and other people won't think you're a weirdo.

This is what you want, as suggested in the sidebar: http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592407331/

Watch the authors TED talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

basic road map https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/B0006IU7JK/

summa this https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S/

lotta this https://www.amazon.com/Presence-Bringing-Boldest-Biggest-Challenges-ebook/dp/B00U6DNZK8

https://www.amazon.ca/Moonwalking-Einstein-Science-Remembering-Everything/dp/0143120530?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duc12-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0143120530

Here is the desktop version of your link

Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:

Link: 7 Habits


|Country|Link|
|:-----------|:------------|
|UK|amazon.co.uk|
|Spain|amazon.es|
|France|amazon.fr|
|Germany|amazon.de|
|Japan|amazon.co.jp|
|Canada|amazon.ca|
|Italy|amazon.it|
|China|amazon.cn|



This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting).

just read this... will change your life guarenteed...

https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/B0006IU7JK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1517531187&sr=8-1&keywords=dale+carnegie

Seriously, this book will do wonders:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1484711274&sr=8-1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson