(Part 3) Top products from r/socialskills

Reading is great. Yes, you do have to get out there to learn social skills, like some are saying here. However, you can also learn a lot from other people's experience, which is what a book is. Use books to supplement what you are learning from your actions. Some good ones:

• HTWF&IP, like everyone else mentioned. A classic for a reason. Not everyone will love it, but you need to find out for yourself if it suits you.
  
  
• Choice Theory by William Glasser also really opened my eyes, in terms of managing relationships. It really showed me how trying to change other people is really at the root of most relationship problems, especially romantic ones. It also helped me realize just how much we control our own minds, and how we can change more about ourselves than we normally think.
  
  
• The Game by Neil Strauss introduced me to the "seduction community". I had no idea social skills could be studied in such a methodical fashion. And despite the negative reputation, there is a lot of wisdom to be found in those circles, that can even help you in a relationship or in other aspects of your life.
  
  
• Various books on salesmanship, which is social skills put to a direct professional use. Nothing especially great jumps out in my mind, but a lot of these books are pretty short. Go to a used book store and pick up a few.
  
  
• One Phone Call Away by Jeffrey Meshel. It is about professional networking, but this applies to personal "networking" as well. What I learned most, is that networking is really about looking for opportunities to put two people you know together for their mutual benefit. In other words, to be a good networker, you need to go network to help out people you know. By doing that, your own network expands, and people are more likely to help you in return. Karma basically. This also helps in your personal life. Its like the old-timey tradition of hosting a dinner party and then introducing two friends of yours who don't know each other but you know will get along well.
  
  
• Various books on pop psychology. Understanding how people think (including yourself) can help you socially. I think this is especially important for relationships / friends / family, and it can also help you protect yourself emotionally from the wrong kind of people.
  
  
• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. A lot of the problems people have on this reddit are really "emotional" ones. If you know you have to talk to girls to get a GF, and you want a GF, then why wouldn't you talk to girls? Your logic is sound, but your emotions (fear, low self-esteem, etc) are what prevent you from acting. Understand your emotions and they will be your second brain, making you twice as smart. Fail to understand them and you are a slave to them.
  
  Social skills is a really broad category and really involves a lifetime of study. What could be more rewarding than having quality relationships with family, friends, significant others, etc? Its worth putting the effort into continuous self improvement here.

What are you interests? [Meetups] (http://www.meetup.com/), are a good way to start making friends.

Getting a girlfriend isn't as hard as it seems. It really boils down to your confidence level, but it's also a numbers game. (ie; the more girls you talk to, the higher your chances are) Check out /r/seduction and read the sidebar and top posts. Also, read [Models by Mark Manson] (http://markmanson.net/books/models) and [the Sex God Method] (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Method-2nd-Edition/dp/0557036488). Another book is [Unshakable Swagger] (http://www.unshakableswagger.com/), I just bought it, but I haven't read it yet. I heard good things though.

Also read [Practicing the Power of Now] (http://www.amazon.com/Practicing-Power-Now-Essential-Meditations/dp/1577311957). It's a book on mediation and it'll help you relax and be at ease. Ted talks, [RSDJulien] (https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDJulien), and [RSDTyler] (https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDTyler) are amazing sources for motivation and other self improvemnt and development.

That's pretty much it OP, have fun and get to work! PM me if you have questions.

The mind is a very powerful tool, and your perception of the self becomes who you are. If you keep thinking of yourself as the outcast, 'the loser', then it will slowly manifest. It bleeds into your body language, tone, behaviour, and eventually becomes who you are. You begin to misperceive things as reinforcement of those beliefs, and your ruts become deeper grooves.

I used to say 'I hate myself' on a regular basis, everytime I 'fucked up' socially or if I didn't do what I wanted to do, 'I hate myself'. Everytime I thought back to a cringy situation, a bad joke, a moment of panic, 'I hate myself'. At first it was jokingly, but eventually it took root. The day I realized that my mantra 'I hate myself' was no longer empty words, was the day I realized how powerful the words we tell ourselves become. So from that day onwards, everytime I caught myself saying 'I hate myself', I rewrote it 'I love myself'.

> 'Human beings are strong because we have the ability to change ourselves.'

Love yourself like your life depends on it is a good short read. 'Be confident, love yourself' may seem like empty words, they did for me when I felt similar to you do, but literally keep saying them to yourself, every single day. Replace 'I'm a loser, I'm an outcast, I'm a burden' with 'I'm great, I enjoy being social, I bring a lot of value' and they will eventually take root, and they should because you deserve it. 'Be yourself' is terrible advice, like really bad lol, I won't go into why here. But anyway, everytime you catch yourself thinking negative things, notice that, recognize it's just one of your ruts, and reframe it.

Changing your self image is not a day's work, it's a long journey to change, but that does not mean you shouldn't start. You won't have to wait years to see progress, everyday is a step closer. The beauty of the long journey is that with every step forward you build the foundation that becomes unshakable. As much as you feel you can't escape now, is how sturdy your foundation can become when you build a positive self image. It wont' always be progress forwards, another great read here.... There will be setbacks, but see them as moments to build strength. In fact, strength is not lost during these moments, but is gained because of them.

Cognitive behavioral therapy can help with stuff like this. You can do it on your own, or your school probably has services that can help - mine had kind of two tiers, the drop-in peer counseling that was pretty useless but OK if you just needed to vent, and then actual therapy with a grad student getting their clinical hours, and I found that very helpful. If you want to try it on your own, there are work books like:

http://www.amazon.com/Ten-Days-Self-Esteem-David-Burns/dp/0688094554

(don't let the gimicky title put you off, it's actually pretty good)

The bullet points sound like a lot of distorted, negative thoughts that are bringing you down and CBT can help a lot with that. There was a story in that workbook iirc about a guy who felt like a total failure, he was bad at his job, had no friends, and so on. And he started doing CBT with the author, and even though there wasn't any material change to his life, he started feeling better about things, he stopped feeling hopeless, and that made it possible for him to start making concrete improvements. It seems counterintuitive, like "why should I stop thinking I have no social skills? I really don't have any" but you have some, you interact with people and they don't run screaming; but the pessimism and all-or-nothing thinking like that make it so much harder to improve your situation.

You might want to post this on /r/depression too, a lot of people struggle with similar things. It's great that you're getting back on the horse and going to college again, that's huge and you should give yourself credit for that.

This book really helped me when I first started making friends.
It made me realize that everyone has their insecurities and everyone likes people who like them. It helped me turn from a painfully shy girl into a friendly woman.

Find people who have the same interests as you. That alone already gives you things to talk about. Join clubs. Join study groups. If you can't find a study group, organize one. Invite people over to do stuff together. Organize a social outing. Invite people to go to a cool movie together.

Making friends is a skill you need for the rest of your life, and you're not very good at it right now, but keep practicing. If some people turn you down along the way, don't let that discourage you. There are always more friends to be made.

Oh, and if you can - get a dog. BEST FRIEND MAKING TOOL EVER.

I understand your point. Thank you. I agree. Being put on the spot is tough and ideally it can be avoided with some prep. Or diverted with well placed snipers.... I kid. I kid.

May I recommend a book that was valuable for me? This is the best book I've read that discusses these (and other) types of things. It's a fascinating read both from a history perspective and a psychology perspective.

Man, I hated working retail sales, especially commission.

However, there was one thing that helped me get over the hump of talking to people, aside from "fuck I need money."

Make yourself an expert on the products and the fields in question, and help people make the best decisions/purchases for their specific needs. You're not there to fleece them, but as an advisor to help them meet their own goals. You're knowledgeable, and they're paying you for that knowledge. Don't be pushy, but gently guide people in the right direction.

How to Master the Art of Selling by Tom Hopkins is a book I found super useful. Some of it is kitschy and sounds silly (or even downright manipulative at times, especially when it comes to influencing people via body-language), but it works and you should absolutely know how to do it.

Yes, I recommend doing the following: taking an improvisation course (gets you thinking on your feet), befriending and speaking with a lot of women (they're often great conversationalists), learning about emotional intelligence (read this book), and reading the body language chapter of Unlimited Power. All 4 of these should give you great skills and practice until it's a subconscious skill.

While clinical anxiety is treatable with medication, it's up to a trained psychiatrist to say whether or not you need it. It's never a clear cut case. There are several ways to treat the physiological component of anxiety without medication.

If you're interested in the subject, the best book on the subject is Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk's book: The Body Keeps Score. In it, he covers way in which to treat PTSD without medication. Mindfulness, Yoga, EMDR, Neurofeedback, Acting (yes, acting), are some of the techniques he describes in the book to help people who suffer from PTSD. These are all techniques that can be used to help anxiety as well. He even says in the book, that professionals have a tendency to just treat the symptoms with medication, without trying other methods first.

I'm always happy to help :)

As cheesy as the title sounds [Six Pillars of Self Esteem] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive/dp/0553374397) would be a worthwhile read for you to feel better about the belonging part.

I advise you to get this book immediately:

Live for Success by John T. Molloy

This book is out of print and somewhat dated, but it is still a very valuable read and you can get it used for a few bucks.

Molloy actually did RESEARCH to understand what social cues (dress, posture, accent, etc.) read as "confident" and just as importantly "upper class." These are LEARNABLE, and practicing and adopting them may change your life.

There's a story in there about a guy on Molloy's staff who was very bright and invaluable to the team, but nobody liked him. All his social cues were way off (he would grin broadly while talking about firing people, for example, I assume in the mistaken belief that this would counterbalance the unpleasant news, when in fact it made it look like he relished firing people). Possibly this guy would have been diagnosed with Asperger's if that had been a thing back then.

i would like to add First Impressions it is up there with The Charisma Myth. have yet to read Search Inside Yourself but i understand it is emotional intelligence centered, and i look forward to it!

You have to sharpen up your social skills.

Then find social groups that share your interests.

Probably need something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Hiding-Bathroom-Introverts-Roadmap-Getting/dp/0062666088/ref=sr_1_9

Any way you go, you have to take action and keep at it.

Here's a few good ones:

General self help - Unfu*k Yourself

Related to money - Millionaire Factory

Related to women - Make Women Chase You

Related to yoga - Yamas (this one is a little bit out there)

Film is a great industry to meet people, especially when you're in the learning stages. Ask for people's opinions on your work, get them to edit or spot-check. While they do that, get to know them. You have to genuinely take an interest in their lives. Ask them questions about themselves, ask more questions about what they tell you. Don't worry about having to tell a story back, just let them talk. If you do it right, you will hardly have to speak.

If you don't show interest people will generally think your entire interaction was small talk. There's a small book that teaches some very simple methods on how to show interest and have a genuine conversation with strangers.

It's called It's Not all about Me. If you're a fast reader you can probably read it in one sitting, but it's helped me find connections with strangers that I normally wouldn't even look at twice.

Read those books that he listed, that stuff will change your life. The more knowledge you can acquire about communication will make you much more confident when you interact with others.
This is another good book to read

https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X/ref=pd_sim_14_9?ie=UTF8&dpID=416%2Bj70DDLL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR108%2C160_&psc=1&refRID=B5BWBQ0PJ5JE9YZ3X83Z

Shoot me a pm if you can't afford those books.

I bought this.

https://www.amazon.ca/Moonwalking-Einstein-Science-Remembering-Everything/dp/0143120530?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duc12-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0143120530

Check out the book The Myth of Sanity by Dr. Martha Stout. When people are traumatized their personality splits into different parts as a protective measure. You are a different personality in one place and then a different in another. I would say that everyone does this so it is "normal" but it is not healthy. We live in a brutal traumatizing world and most people never learn how to heal from it. https://www.amazon.com/Myth-Sanity-Divided-Consciousness-Awareness/dp/0142000558