(Part 3) Top products from r/survivinginfidelity

I’m currently going through a near marriage-ending traumatic mess because I snooped in my husband’s computer.

Married nearly 17 years, together for 22. I never ever thought he could even consider breaking us up. It was so shocking to me.

I’m now going to therapy and working to get him to go with me to marriage counseling. Reading [this book](I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425245314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_1CY6CbQ2J08XC) helped me SO much.

The first thing I’d tell you is don’t do it.

The second thing is - you’re going to have to talk to him about this and find a way that you don’t need to snoop and he has his privacy.

In my case we have two weird and diametrically opposed needs/fears. He needs privacy to an extreme. I get how he got this way but to me “privacy” feels like secrets. I need security, and secrets threaten that. I get how I got this way, but to him the transparency I need for “security” is an invasion of his privacy. We are still working on how to make those work together. Not sure what the outcome will be but I won’t let this be over. We love each other too much for that.

Snooping is not going to help you feel better. Working together to understand each other’s needs and finding a way to feel like snooping is unnecessary is the path to happiness for both of you.

I wish you luck. It ain’t easy.

That sounds like a lot of progress on his part, but I think you are right to be cautious. I also think postponing a decision is a good plan too, but you are the only one who knows your heart and what's best for you.

I also think that you can be just fine as a single parent. Granted, I don't have 5 kids, with two of them being so little, but if that's the decision you come to, you can certainly do it and thrive.

My SO just ordered a book similar to the one I recommended to you. Links to both below:

This is the one I have:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/098327133X/ref=cm_cr_arp_mb_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8

The one my partner just ordered:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0985063378/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482880616&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=facing+the+shadows+patrick+carnes&dpPl=1&dpID=41hEZJSKXvL&ref=plSrch

My fingers are crossed for you, but I know how scary this is. It is for me too. I'm thankful every day that my SO and I aren't married Bc then I can walk so much easier if he reoffends.

Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:

-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.

-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.

-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.

You can do this friend.

​

Nope. No female friends. Only professional relationships. He has to prove to you that you are the only woman in his life to win you back.

From a Jewish and Christian perspective, Biblically it was supposed to be that the man and wife were one. I like this book that finally explained to my husband that he has to have no contact with other women other than professional. He cannot help but be flirty, giving women the impression that he's available. He loves the attention and ego kibbles. And he obviously can't handle gaming with women either. He can stop himself from temptation. Sure he acts like a priest when it comes to our sexual relations (meaning he doesn't offer it hardly and if I ask, he denies so I gave up asking). But he's lying to himself if he think he has any self-control. (My favorite- "I was just being nice and friendly.")

Here's the book:
Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609810006/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Z34lyb5SX8K82

I would strongly recommend getting all 3 of these. They pretty much cover everything you need to know.

Unfortunately as a BS you got blindsided with trauma that you likely don’t have the tools to heal from. Even if you can afford MC (which I’m doing), you should still read these.

Get them used and they’re pretty affordable. Get some highlighters and mark them up. Pick out sections to discuss with him.

1. For your husband (I marked this up for my WS/wife) - it was a major point of new understanding for her.
   
   How to Help Your Spouse Heal From... https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
   
   
2. Comprehensive guide to everything. A little long on the storytelling, but the information is fantastic.
   
   Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
   
   
3. Forgiveness is a poor word for what lies ahead. There is not forgetting or rug sweeping. Even if you separate, you still need this book.
   
   How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060009314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Zy9VDb01D81M7
   
   I hope you can find your way out of this hell. Reply or PM me if there’s something on your mind and need some reassurance.

Read this book and This book together

​

The fact that he is resisting giving her up and they are still sharing time with each other even though it is causing you pain is concerning. How would he feel if the situations were reversed? What would his reaction be? Does he share or is he willing to share every single communication between the two of them with you? Like your SO, I'm positive mine never ventured into a PA, but he was on his way to an EA. Yours is in EA territory, too. Mine offered to cut contact but that wasn't practical given our social circle. Instead, he shows me every text & tells me about every call from her. I haven't told him I verify it against our phone records. Yes, he could be using messaging apps & social media for the contact, no I don't snoop on his phone or computer, but I honestly don't think she is the type to knowingly sneak like that. The communication they used to have was on the upswing, and he deleted the texts before I asked to see them (which is why I believe it was an EA for him and not a friendship) & is now any texts are few and far between and calls are nearly non-existent. SO & I worked on our communication and time spent together and things have improved for us.

Honestly, he sounds like a dreadful person. I know it hurts a lot now, and I wish as well there were something that could help speed it up. But it's all part of the process to get you to the new, better place you're going. And you'll get there!

Also, I have not read this nor am I affiliated with it, but I hear positive things: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

Hugs!

Sorry man. You could kind of see the writing on the wall when she refused to give you access to her phone, social media accounts, etc. It simply implies that she has more to hide.

I learned in the last few months that when you feel something is up, chances are high something is up. I had no one else to trust and the trust I had in her is shattered into pieces. The only thing I could hang on to is my gut feeling. You have to trust yourself -- never ever let others telling you otherwise.

Given what you know though, it is clearly the marriage is at the crossroad: 1) reconcile 2) go separate way. True remorseful is absolutely needed for reconciliation otherwise you two are wasting each other's time and what's worse is giving false hope. Trust me, that is the worse. Listen to yourself -- as long as you have a safe space (i.e. she is not currently seeing OM), you could take your time to think through it.

This is one of the books I read and I find it helps a lot:
https://www.amazon.ca/Love-Must-Be-Tough-Marriages/dp/141431745X

It is already too late for me though. Whatever my STBXW did to me cause a big scar in my heart. The hurtful part is not so much of the actual affair, it is how she fed me with trickled truth and continuous lies. It was a tough 3-4 months. I will do whatever it takes to avoid risking into the same situation. I am out. But I hope it may help you.

Exact same thing has happened to me. We're pushing year 3 of reconciliation. Forgiveness has taken me a long time to get to, but I am there. Unfortunately it also makes the conflict in this scenario much more complicated, as you no longer have that need to punish them looming over your thought processes.

The act of coming to terms with the infidelity as a symptom of your relationship troubles (rather than the cause) helps, and that was a step in reaching forgiveness for me. It gives you a lens through which it's easier to distinguish the difference between the person you thought WS was; and the person that they are.

All that said, I think it's perfectly normal to come out the other side and realize that -- no, unfortunately I do not love this person as much as I loved the illusion. There's all kinds of heartbreak and potential negativity from the WS in coming to that conclusion -- especially after a heartfelt attempt at reconciliation -- but it is what it is.

Take it from me: You cannot will those feelings to come back. I highly recommend talking with a therapist about this, as they can help you come to terms with what you really want. There's also a fantastic little book mine recommended. You can read it in about an hour. https://www.amazon.com/Knight-Rusty-Armor-Robert-Fisher/dp/0879804211

Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0996985808/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_u00kzbYW1XEY8

Give yourself more time. The last major hurt wasn't that long ago.

It is really difficult to let go of attachment to the person you loved and trusted. OK, maybe extremely difficult. And a third of your life too. All those hopes, dreams and plans. You have a huge hole in your life that will take time to fill in.

Have you tried Cogitative behavior therapy at all? Or meditation? Personally I find a lot of contentment after reading or watching Ajahn Brahm. but I am sure it is not to everyone's taste.

I know it's hard. For me the first d-day was over a year ago. I can't say it gets easier, but now it seems the moments of crushing grief and intense longing are farther apart. Still not 100%.

I wish you luck.

Also, I saw on your post that he tells you he has a sex addiction. Let me be very clear. Sex addiction requires a certified CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) to do a full evaluation if he really is one. It also requires therapy, and a recovery program in order to keep it under control.

I’ve see waywards use SA to explain away their actions and to absolve themselves of wrong doing.

If he is truly SA, then you need to understand that if you stay in a permanent relationship with him you need to look at what this means for you.

Earlier book for spouses of SA labeled them as co-addicts. While there may be some co-dependency issues, I do not agree with the idea that all partners of SAs are equally addicted. This book moves away from that theory.

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0882823094/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Ok9UBbXHVMEB0

This one. I didn't agree with all of it, but it's basically a book on how to think in a not-cycle way. I was in a cycle of anger towards him and myself, negatively thinking, and engaging in self-blame too. http://www.amazon.com/Your-Erroneous-Zones-Wayne-Dyer/dp/0061091480

Reading this was also helpful, it gave me some introspection into why people shift blame. http://www.amazon.com/Mistakes-Were-Made-But-Not/dp/0156033909/

I am also currently working on this, it's been good so far. http://www.amazon.com/Forgiveness-Make-Peace-Your-Past/dp/0446392596/

Just learned about his book today. https://www.amazon.com/Getting\-Past\-Your\-Breakup\-Devastating/dp/0738213284

It's ok to be a little jealous, and it's ok to grieve. Then it's time to take a deep breath...

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/7pgh5n/lpt_one_of_the_best_ways_to_stop_being_lonely_is/

There is a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" that I found helpful. When you find yourself thinking about them, visualize a stop sign and instead think something about them that grosses you out.

Your ex is really cruel. I'm sorry he's doing this to you, that's bullshit. He cheated and it was not your fault. He was a disloyal asshole and is now trying to blame you and continue rationalizing his actions to himself.

As for telling the kids, yeah that is hard. As someone said above, it could really backfire on you. :/ If you can get therapy and work out the right option for you with a trusted professional, that's the best route. I will say, however, that there has been research done that shows that children of divorces wherein the reasons are unclear do WORSE long term than children who are told the reasons. https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161 I am one of those cases. My parents divorced and I wasn't told much about why at the time or even when I was past university. In my own case, I very much wish I had been told when I was 16. Ha, maybe it could have helped me avoid becoming a poster here. ;) That is sort of a joke, but I do think the unresolved and deeply confusing trauma of the divorce probably had some small part to play in choosing men who treat me like shit, over and over again, and push away the good ones. :/

But, yeah, we cant't really know your situation, we don't know you or your daughter. We do know that your husband is a raging asshole, though! ;) But you do need to really think hard on this and getting a lot of support from people who DO know you is key.