(Part 2) Top products from r/survivinginfidelity

It sounds as if you become more compliant and pleasing, hoping love will fix everything. However, his character issues demand more than love in order to mature. Love is not enough. The marriage relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. Those ingredients are freedom and responsibility. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love. When they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies. And when two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it; the other does not take on enough and becomes self-centered or controlling...


I highly suggest the book boundaries in Marriage. It help me to realize when I was being manipulated, what was acceptable and ultimately gave me my power back.

Good luck to you and PM me anytime.

>\> Also asking about how he is/our relationship. She didn't give a damn about that at the time so I kind of feel like there is an alterior motive behind this (or I'm just overthinking)

You aren't overthinking. She is a threat to your relationship. But you aren't going to 'win' the pick me dance by making 'rules' for your boyfriend. It doesn't work. And even if it works this time, there will ALWAYS be another woman who doesn't give a crap about your relationship because she wants him.

So, what do you do? First, of course is to be aware that he is not willing to set up the guardrails that would have prevented this in the first place. You can't MAKE him do that. Just like you can't lock him in a cage away from all women forever. It's up to him to determine what he is going to do to make you feel safe in your relationship with him. You can be smart and figure out if he really is the right guy or not. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_n1KTxg2F8

You can work on YOU. You can develop hobbies, career, etc etc to make yourself awesome and desirable (nothing screams sexy like being confident... not arrogant, but comfortable with who you are). You can get yourself to a good emotional place where you can stand on your own and not NEED him (you can want him, but don't NEED him - financially or emotionally). Be whole in yourself. Know that you cannot control his behavior but that you can walk away and be happy on your own. Then you can choose to be with him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBzAhi-ZHtA Don't NEED him - know how to fix your own stuff - be it plumbing, finances, learning about products you are considering purchasing, or turning around a crappy mood after a bad day... You don't need him to do all that for you. Do you have jumper cables? Have you learned how to properly jump your car? When he does do it for you, it won't be expected. It will be a bonus you can be thrilled about. (plus, there is very little sexier than someone being knowledgeable about the unexpected)

Of course, you might like this - it's pretty good: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/7ihgcn/my_fix_your_picker_thank_you_chumpladycom_post/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/6rkxyv/living_together/

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/7pgh5n/lpt_one_of_the_best_ways_to_stop_being_lonely_is/

So I guess the short answer is: Get Smart. Get smart about his behavior ("You don't have to cut off contact with anyone. It's your life. I'll take that into consideration") and Get Smart for you - about everything ;) - Be Mighty!

I’m currently going through a near marriage-ending traumatic mess because I snooped in my husband’s computer.

Married nearly 17 years, together for 22. I never ever thought he could even consider breaking us up. It was so shocking to me.

I’m now going to therapy and working to get him to go with me to marriage counseling. Reading [this book](I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425245314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_1CY6CbQ2J08XC) helped me SO much.

The first thing I’d tell you is don’t do it.

The second thing is - you’re going to have to talk to him about this and find a way that you don’t need to snoop and he has his privacy.

In my case we have two weird and diametrically opposed needs/fears. He needs privacy to an extreme. I get how he got this way but to me “privacy” feels like secrets. I need security, and secrets threaten that. I get how I got this way, but to him the transparency I need for “security” is an invasion of his privacy. We are still working on how to make those work together. Not sure what the outcome will be but I won’t let this be over. We love each other too much for that.

Snooping is not going to help you feel better. Working together to understand each other’s needs and finding a way to feel like snooping is unnecessary is the path to happiness for both of you.

I wish you luck. It ain’t easy.

Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:

-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.

-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.

-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.

You can do this friend.

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I would strongly recommend getting all 3 of these. They pretty much cover everything you need to know.

Unfortunately as a BS you got blindsided with trauma that you likely don’t have the tools to heal from. Even if you can afford MC (which I’m doing), you should still read these.

Get them used and they’re pretty affordable. Get some highlighters and mark them up. Pick out sections to discuss with him.

1. For your husband (I marked this up for my WS/wife) - it was a major point of new understanding for her.
   
   How to Help Your Spouse Heal From... https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
   
   
2. Comprehensive guide to everything. A little long on the storytelling, but the information is fantastic.
   
   Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
   
   
3. Forgiveness is a poor word for what lies ahead. There is not forgetting or rug sweeping. Even if you separate, you still need this book.
   
   How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060009314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Zy9VDb01D81M7
   
   I hope you can find your way out of this hell. Reply or PM me if there’s something on your mind and need some reassurance.

Read this book and This book together

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The fact that he is resisting giving her up and they are still sharing time with each other even though it is causing you pain is concerning. How would he feel if the situations were reversed? What would his reaction be? Does he share or is he willing to share every single communication between the two of them with you? Like your SO, I'm positive mine never ventured into a PA, but he was on his way to an EA. Yours is in EA territory, too. Mine offered to cut contact but that wasn't practical given our social circle. Instead, he shows me every text & tells me about every call from her. I haven't told him I verify it against our phone records. Yes, he could be using messaging apps & social media for the contact, no I don't snoop on his phone or computer, but I honestly don't think she is the type to knowingly sneak like that. The communication they used to have was on the upswing, and he deleted the texts before I asked to see them (which is why I believe it was an EA for him and not a friendship) & is now any texts are few and far between and calls are nearly non-existent. SO & I worked on our communication and time spent together and things have improved for us.

Hi there, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Can I go out on a limb and recommend a technique that will solve a multitude of issues going on here. Best of luck https://www.amazon.com/ENCHANTING-ME-Romantic-Emotional-Intelligence-ebook/dp/B07SKGB3WZ/

This?

https://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Turning-Points-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0679730028

Thank you for the recommendation

I'm going through my own issues at the moment and wondering the same thing. I picked up the book Sex at Dawn and am reading it now. It's long and takes a serious look at monogamy, our evolution, and the impact of the agricultural revolution on our behavior. It might help you out, it is me.

This one. I didn't agree with all of it, but it's basically a book on how to think in a not-cycle way. I was in a cycle of anger towards him and myself, negatively thinking, and engaging in self-blame too. http://www.amazon.com/Your-Erroneous-Zones-Wayne-Dyer/dp/0061091480

Reading this was also helpful, it gave me some introspection into why people shift blame. http://www.amazon.com/Mistakes-Were-Made-But-Not/dp/0156033909/

I am also currently working on this, it's been good so far. http://www.amazon.com/Forgiveness-Make-Peace-Your-Past/dp/0446392596/

The Power of Two Workbook. https://www.amazon.com/Power-Two-Workbook-Communication-Marriage/dp/1572243341/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1542778149&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=the+power+of+two&dpPl=1&dpID=416T4cEnyTL&ref=plSrch

https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890

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Discovering my codependence. Changed everything for me. I was a doormat for 20 years.

There is a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" that I found helpful. When you find yourself thinking about them, visualize a stop sign and instead think something about them that grosses you out.

Something that helped me was this book: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One.

Its a little cheesy / more touchy feely than I'm used to... but the main points are good - and have been brought up by my psychologist as well, so I trust it more.

The quick & dirty is: if you don't allow yourself to grieve fully, you'll be stuck in anger / anxiety for a long time. Sounds like by moving away you maybe avoided some feelings in the moment (can't blame you!) - you might need to process things more fully to get back to your normal self.

Give it a try. Audiobook was good for me. Audible gives you a free 1st book if you aren't a member.

Good luck!