(Part 2) Best friendship books according to redditors

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you. Speaking up in a group of people is hard unless you are comfortable with them and I don't believe that is the reason you struggle to develop relationships. Sure, if you're confident and witty, then it's a foot in the door, allowing you to start developing a relationship - if you are always on the edge of things then it becomes more difficult.

I was always on the edge of things in high school. I would sometimes try and insert a comment but it would be forced because I was desperately trying to get myself noticed. When you are in that frame of mind, you aren't relaxed and it becomes far harder to contribute to the conversation.

I used to think this was a fundamental flaw of mine until I got to university and developed a group of friends that actually valued me. I felt relaxed around them and my personality started to come through more.

There are a couple of books that I've read that have really clicked with me. You sound a lot like me, so I think they will help.

• Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
  
  
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
  
  
• Stop Being Lonely: Three Simple Steps to Developing Close Friendships and Deep Relationships
  
  Hope this helps!

You could try studying it in a more technical manner. Googling "Aspergers social skills" brings up a lot of research material. Go through it, see what makes sense to you.

EDIT: Also, this book lays a great framework for making friends.

My advice may not be popular, but it's all I've got.

1. Don't get married. Unless you need to get hitched for spousal benefits (which you may be eligible for under Common Law), don't. Over 50% of marriages fail. Would you wager 1/2 your net worth (plus spousal support) on a bet that has less than 50/50 odds?
   
   
2. If you do decide to get married, practice honesty. I can't stress this enough. Hiding things from your partner will never turn out well. You may think you're clever, but your partner will figure things out.
   
   
3. If you or your partner have significantly more net worth than the other, get a pre-nup. Yes, a good lawyer can cut though a pre-nup like a hot knife through butter...but a good lawyer can also draw up an agreement that shows that one of you walked into the marriage with existing wealth that the other may not be entitled to. This is referring to things like a large savings account, family home, or any other asset that hasn't been earned by the other partner.
   
   
4. Talk often. Even if it's a little thing, talk it out. Don't get mad, rationally discuss things before they get out of hand. If you can't do this now, don't marry the person.
   
   
5. Be respectful of differences. We all see things in different ways, we can be looking at the same object and see totally separate things. We can go through the same experience and feel completely different about it. Understand that as a team you're stronger because of your differences. One person can pick up the slack for the other person in certain situations, and vice-versa.
   
   
6. Read the book The Five Love Languages. Have your partner read it. Figure out your way of communicating, and understand theirs. Understand that the way you express love isn't the same as the way they might, and appreciate the manner in which they show their feelings. Try to speak to them in their language, and have them try the same with you.
   
   
7. Above all, treat your partner with the same kindness and respect that you would expect from them.

Here she is: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1598424874/ref=aw_d_dsc_books

I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you can begin to rebuild your relationship with her.

A book that has really helped me is "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition" by Gary Chapman. There are several versions of the book for different situations that you could look into, but even if you are not a single, this version focuses more on learning your own love language (how you give and receive love) as well as the love language of your family members, parents especially: whether it's words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or affectionate touch.

It's not going to be a walk in the park to learn how to connect with your mom, but it is possible. I hope the best for you. <3

> TL;DR: I'm 22 and have only had one relationship. How do I meet new girls to date? Specifically, how do I approach them in a bar/club and during the day?

A couple of thoughts to help you out:

First, remind yourself of this "Guys are just really ugly girls." (It's a metaphor OK, don't go too far with it) and ask yourself if you're comfortable talking to strange (to you) males? If the answer is "no," then you need to work on the basics of conversing with others. So, start with the basics:

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes

How to Instantly Connect with Anyone by Leil Lowndes

How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends by Don Gabor

If you've got basic "conversation / small-talk with strangers" nailed, then there is a fair amount of good material out there on how to start conversations with girls; and how to interact with them in a positive way. See:

The big honking list of openers put out by TSB and the books The Game, The Mystery Method, and/or The Pickup Artist.

Robert Greene's The Art of Seduction is a valuable read as well.

FWIW, I think you'll get more useful answers to a question like this on /r/seduction. /r/relationship_advice seems geared more towards managing an existing relationship, whereas /r/seduction is heavily focused on the "initiation phase." There is a TON of material out there on how to overcome anxiety about approaching women, TONS of stuff on how to be a better conversationalist, stuff on how to amp her attraction for you, etc., etc.

Two links that might be of use to you:

New to Seddit?

Fast Seduction.com "You Are New"

Good luck!

Try listening to audio books on cognitive behavior therapy, positive psychology, etc. Your local library may have some.

"Feeling Good" by David Burns

"Flourish" by Martin Seligman

"Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Techniques for Retraining Your Brain", part of The Great Courses series

>I even gathered up the courage three times. Those times weren't poor attempts to manipulate his emotions. They took every fiber of strength I could garner. I went into it CERTAIN that I was going to leave. But I keep failing.

It sounds like you need more support to move on. Work on building that support network in any way you can. You say you don't have a close knit circle of people to confide in - you need to work on that, otherwise you will always be very vulnerable to toxic, unhealthy relationships. Therapy is also a great place to start, until you have that network established.

I strongly recommend the following books, to help you get started on building solid friendships:

Friendships Don't Just Happen by Shasta Nelson

Frientimacy: Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Happiness

Toilet paper flowers: http://www.amazon.ca/Toilet-Paper-Flowers-Children-Disease/dp/0929173473

You need to work your way up. You're trying too much, too fast. Someone with "severe social anxiety" isn't going to suddenly be able to cold approach effectively. It's just not realistic. It's like a guy with a 110lbs guy going to the gym and wondering why he can't bench 315. Doesn't make sense.

Start smaller. Instead of trying to walk up and cold open some super hottie, start by joining a club on campus. Try going there, and learn to be more expressive. It doesn't have to have women. Also try meetup.com, go to a meetup that seems safe (like a board game club). Something that gives you an excuse to socialize. Try to make friends and work on opening up and being more expressive.

The goal here is to acclimate yourself to socializing rather than trying cold opens, which is the hardest of all socializing.

I'd also look into professional help, either with a social skills coach or more realistically a psychologist that does Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. See if your campus has any free or cheap options, or if you're under your parents insurance or something. CBT is a system based around 1) managing your thoughts/beliefs 2) changing behaviour (action). Combine those two and you change your life, one step at a time.

Also, buy this book and read and study it. Despite the name, it's an incredible book, full of very clear, actionable advice to improve your social skills. It's fantastic. Don't be ashamed to read it.

http://www.salon.com/2013/12/08/american_mens_hidden_crisis_they_need_more_friends/


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/todd-kashdan/men-making-friends_b_1029001.html


http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0674072421/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_3?pf_rd_p=1535523722&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0195326423&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=08JTZAQT2DGA5NSNVKMR

This may actually help you.

Good luck

https://www.amazon.com/Science-Making-Friends-Socially-Challenged-ebook/dp/B00EFB42Z4

https://www.amazon.ca/Toilet-Paper-Flowers-Children-Disease/dp/0929173473

Apparently this is a thing - boys (just like girls) are super-close to their friends in earl/mid-adolescence) then often become distant and start to lose those intimate relationships.

>The final section considers boys' changing friendships during late adolescence.Way begins by noting the pattern of loss during this period: many boys no longer consider themselves to have close friends and often become more distrustful and wary of betrayal. However, the desire for intimate friendships remains and continues into adulthood, as noted by a number of other studies (e.g. Levinson, 1978).

>Way then moves towards a critique of the 'thick' cultural explanations for boys' increasing isolation as they grow up. Central to this is the emphasis on individualism, alongside the latently homophobic and sexist rejection of male intimacy and vulnerability stemming from anxieties about being considered gay or feminine. Here Way brings her analysis of boys' relationships into dialogue with a range of psychological, sociological and anthropological studies. She also takes on a manifesto-like tone: 'We do not need to fix boys as much as we need to help boys remain confident in their knowledge of the social and emotional world' (p.228).

http://www.amazon.com/Deep-Secrets-Friendships-Crisis-Connection/dp/0674072421

Try How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends by Don Gabor.

This book can be super helpful

Remember to take all advice loosely! People come up with lots of rules and advice that they don't actually follow.

Also you can short cut it for confidence. Make sure you don't have anything that would block people being around you, e.g. if you're dirty, smell, or have noisy habits (chewing with mouth open, breathing heavily, snorting etc), and then start just hanging around next to other awkward looking people. At 14 especially, there's a lot of people that don't want to be standing or sitting alone - they want the safety of a group. It's not a 'friendship' but it's a great place to start.

Not sure if this fits, but here you go.
https://www.amazon.com/There-once-little-hole-soul-ebook/dp/B0054KY778/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1543454743&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=boy+with+a+hole+in+his+soul

How to Be a Social Butterfly: The Art of Making Friends. This book teaches tips to making friends and socializing, particularly if are in college or an adult.

I spent 19 years in a mismatched sex drive relationship and your conversations sound very similar to mine. What I’ve learned post-divorce is that just complaining about it or bringing it up isn’t enough. Sex, with the physical intimacy it brings, is how you feel loved and validated. Your partner probably doesn’t understand that and has a misconception about it. My ex just thought I was like a horny teenager, she never knew how painful it was for me to not receive love from her through physical intimacy and sex.

My advice is pretty specific - Love and relationships require work. Get a couples counselor and do the work. Propose it as something to maintain your relationship, not as a fix. Your partner likely doesn’t comprehend your need for physical intimacy.

I highly recommend these books - They have revolutionized my life post-divorce. They help me communicate my needs and help my partners understand how we can both benefit from relationship maintenance.


The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition: The Secret That Will Revolutionize Your Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01JBQGD0E/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_QrhQDbQCEX9WP


The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_FthQDbT299CF8

Disclaimer: There is a component of religion in these books, but even as an atheist, I still encourage you to read them.

And where they keep Paul Lisicky's memoir.

Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Engaging the Mystery of Friendship Between Men and Women https://www.amazon.com/dp/0982580703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ShiZDb5AQKYK6

Also:
(FYI, this guy is a REAL asshole with zero self-awareness IRL, but his arguments and principles in the book are good. I was in a FB group with both of these guys. Dan is a true mentor and teacher. Josh is a jerk.)
Forbidden Friendships: Retaking the Biblical Gift of Male-Female Friendship https://www.amazon.com/dp/B012DMEUNU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_4iiZDbBBTAYAN

Read this book The Friendship Factor it's pretty good.

I just finished reading How to make people like you in 90 seconds or less and the author has a similar opinion. In order to achieve your goal you need to know what you want, find what you're getting and change the way you're interacting until you get what you want. This can be abbreviated to KFC (know, find, change). Just read the book, it was really eye-opening. He explains how you can control conversations by copying your conversation partner's body language to make him feel good in a familiar evironment.

Ah, then the book you are looking for is How to Make People like you in 90 Seconds or Less

But seriously, nothing will beat just going out there and talking with random people (preferably outside of work til you get better at it). Once you have the confidence to talk and flirt with strangers outside of work, continue doing that at work.

Out of stock, but Amazon has a policy of honoring the listed price if you put in an order for it before it changes. Though if it's a pricing error and Amazon notices before sending anymore out they'll cancel all the remaining orders. Doesn't hurt to try and this is a fantastic price if it works.

Edit: Since the link to the rebate seems to come and go, here's a direct link to the rebate's PDF.

Rebate form

The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care for
by Alan Loy McGinnis
Link: https://amzn.com/0806635711

"How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" by Leil Lowndes.
and/or
"How to Be a People Magnet: Finding Friends - and Lovers - and Keeping Them for Life" by Leil Lowndes

I found this one online but it's designed differently.

Read the following two books. They will help you quite a bit.

How to Talk to Anyone

How to Be a People Magnet