(Part 2) Best pet loss grief books according to redditors

Hello! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds a lot like mine. I love this community, and I have faith that I will be able to use these connections to help motivate me. I hope I can be a force for motivation as well!

I'm currently on Day 3 of being sober for the first time in at least 3 years. Discovering /leaves definitely helped me to get on the right track. It made me decide to quit, a step I think you are on right now. I can't believe how good I feel right now. It's like every moment feels like an epiphany if I choose to think about how far I've come.

I told myself "Tomorrow I will quit" a few times before it "stuck." The first day, I lasted til 5PM... a huge accomplishment for a regular wake-n-baker... The second day I made it til 11PM and then got overwhelmed by the feeling that I couldn't sleep.

The first day, I got through it by allowing myself to be incredibly honest about my feelings, and giving myself something productive to think about. I would recommend any book that has to do with improving our lives through understanding psychology. The point of quitting for me was to be able to be honest with myself and my feelings. That's paramount, because if I don't have that, I don't have self-esteem; and without self-esteem I can't have good relationships with other people. It's important for me to feel like I'm not avoiding my thoughts or damning my aggressive impulses. Using was a way of not acknowledging feelings of irritation, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. - all things that are legitimate to feel because they help motivate us to do good things. Depression/Anxiety/Frustration is a feeling of not doing anything beneficial with one's life.

It is a fact that we feel better when we help others.

It is a fact that we need to learn to love ourselves before we can be of any service to others. It's vital to see, "This shadow that exists in me, also exists in you. We react to it in different ways, but these negative feelings are a natural and valuable part of being human." We need to come to terms with our own shadow so that we can be compassionate to others.

Imagine a friend told you, "I feel worthless. I can't believe how sad I feel about my dog dying. I mean, it was two months ago and I still can't get it out of my head. I feel like I can't do anything worthwhile."

Would you be like, "Hm. Yeah, you probably shouldn't feel that way. Why don't you try forgetting about it with a big bowl?" Um, NO!!!

You wouldn't tell that to a dear friend, so you shouldn't say anything like that to yourself. That advice would only side-step the problem, making it worse by making the person suffering feel incapable of confronting negative feelings in a meaningful way.

Because of all of this, I would recommend spending time with a book that encourages you to take your failings with tolerance, love, and hope. I really feel like I pulled off my first day sober because I was actively dealing with problems I had always avoided. I read [this book] (http://www.amazon.com/Animals-Guides-Soul-Life-Changing-Encounters/dp/0345424042) nearly from cover to cover that first day. It helps to feel like your anxious or depressed feelings are legitimate, no matter how you approach that task. It was late in the day - getting to the point of incredibly hard to resist toking - when I got to the chapter on pet death. It felt so cathartic to cry about some pets I've had to put down in the last few years - things I never dealt with while sober because I haven't been remotely close to sober for a long time. The point of the chapter was to show how universal feelings of loss are. It was great to read all kinds of people's stories about how they coped or were still processing grief. I feel like potheads have a lot of unprocessed emotions that are perpetually covered up by the habit. It felt great to feel like there was a reason for me to feel sad and anxious - and that I'm not alone in those feelings.

Honestly, I would recommend going to a local used book store. Give a look around the Self Help/Psychology/New Age sections and see if anything appeals to you. The goal is getting in touch with our inner selves - trusting our feelings, accepting their value, and feeling responsible enough to act on insight gained. Even for "happy" people, or sober people, working to recognize the value of one's inner self is daily work. The only difference is that people who use a lot of drugs have given up on believing in themselves to be able to accomplish that work alone.

Trust me, that after daily use, you just need to get a few days under your belt. You have to keep telling yourself that you're doing the right thing, and before you know it you'll start to really feel it in your heart. After daily use, the MJ starts to control your rationality. We come up with all kinds of "reasons" why life is better high. But their just fear-reasons; evasion of reality because we don't trust ourselves to be able to handle the demands of daily living. For me, part of the struggle was letting go of things that kept dragging me into the past. I can't work on today's issues if I'm still fighting yesterday's battles. Try to give up on feelings of self-pity; take responsibility for what has happened in the past by telling yourself that once you figure out how to love yourself, it will be much easier to make the right decisions all the time. I can't go back and change the past, and there's no reason for me to wonder whether I've been doing the wrong thing all along. I think you recognize that we had some good times with MJ, but it's time to move on. In order to feel fulfilled our lives need to get fuller every day - as we learn to love new people and accept deeper facets of our own personality. Work toward acceptance. Know that you will be racked with anxiety, but it will be temporary if you can stay strong. Focus on the things that give you hope. Another big part of committing to this path was deciding on a Dream Career. Even if I don't end up in it, I made a picture in my mind of a life that would be worth being sober for. Reading that book I linked made me realize I wanted to train service/therapy animals. I know that I can't do this if I smoke daily; I would just be looking forward to the workday ending so I could blaze. I wouldn't be able to give my full attention to the nuances of others' behavior, which would mean I wouldn't be as good at communicating. Then there's the whole self-esteem issue, and how jonesin' makes one feel truly worthless in addition to mentally distracted. I just knew I couldn't shine my brightest light if I kept submerging myself in haze.

tl;dr: Read something that allows you to identify with your negative feelings and feel compassionate toward yourself. You will feel anxious anyway when you first go sober, so it's good to have something concrete to blame the anxiety on - and also feel like you're making progress in that recognition. Make an image in your head of the best-case scenario for your life, and then believe that you have the strength and time to achieve it. Also - allow yourself the right to rest and work in equal proportions.

Good luck!!! Keep us updated! We're here for you! It fucking sucks for a little bit, but it's totally doable and feels great. You can do it!!

SO incredibly sorry for your loss!! Highly recommend the very short pocket-sized book “Weep Not For Me: In Memory Of A Beloved Cat” by Constance Jenkins. Here’s the amazon link: Weep Not for Me: In Memory of a Beloved Cat https://www.amazon.com/dp/0285634925/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7izcBbEFQ8J2A

Have you thought about grief counseling? There is counseling available for pet owners. It's ok, you can grieve people other than humans. If you can't find any local groups, or want anonymity, there are support groups online and via phone. There are many books on the subject, too. Here are some links:

http://www.griefhealing.com/help-lines-message-boards-chats.htm

http://www.pet-loss.net/

http://www.amazon.com/Loss-Pet-New-Revised-Expanded/dp/0876051972

http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Sorrow-Loss-Your-Pet/dp/1598584537/ref=pd_sim_b_2

http://www.amazon.com/Saying-Good-Bye-Pet-You-Love/dp/1572243074/ref=pd_sim_b_3

Sorry for your loss. To help, I cannot recommend this book enough Dogs Don't Die, Dogs Stay

I am so sorry. My animal companions are part of my family as far as I'm concerned. They expect so little and give so much. I hope things are getting easier for you. For what it's worth https://www.amazon.com/Pet-Loss-Companion-Healing-Therapists/dp/1484918266/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_1/142-3747250-4599541?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=ND9NADW7S5HQE308930A really helped me cope after the loss of one of my animal companions.

Yo, every pre-T trans guy from the UK that I've heard has had a voice that (to me) passes with flying colors, haha. Also, I love that poem--Whitman is seriously incredible. If you're interested in other queer authors, you should totally read Mark Doty; I consider him today's Whitman (in terms of his focus on natural themes, his being gay, and the caliber of his work--stylistically, it might be a stretch, haha). While reading one of his memoirs (called Dog Years ) I was crying ugly tears in the first chapter, haha. There are very few authors who can do that to me. Anyway, congrats on being so close to T, man! That's so exciting.

As you said, definitely a good idea to wait until you have a more definitive prognosis, but there are some resources I can suggest for when that time comes. If you end up with a cancer diagnosis, or actually even if you don't, I highly recommend the picture book Let My Colors Out - it briefly mentions that the mom has cancer but mostly just refers to her being very sick, so you could skip the cancer sentence and it would work just as well. Most of the other cancer books focus on aspects of treatment that may or may not apply to you (hair loss from chemo, etc) but there also a few books that explain long-term parental illness more broadly which might be worth checking out, such as Mommy Has to Stay in Bed and Mommy Can't Dance. None of these touch on the idea of terminal illness, however. There are only a couple picture books I'm aware of that show both before and after the death - The Fix-It Man is a beautiful story of a little girl who thinks her dad can fix anything, until her mother dies of an unspecified long-term illness and the girl and her dad try to come to terms with the loss; and Ida, Always is a story about two polar bears who are best friends until one develops a terminal illness, gets increasingly sick, and eventually dies. Both are obviously pretty emotional stories, but manage to end on a note of hope and healing. There's also a very simple activity book called Help Me Say Goodbye to help children understand terminal illness and cope after their loved one dies; it's designed for slightly older kids but would definitely be something a 4yo could work through with you and your partner.

There are other picture books that take place immediately after the parent's death, such as The Garden of Hope which shows a father and young daughter coping with the loss of her mother; Missing Mommy which is told from the perspective of a very young child trying to understand where his deceased mother has gone; and The Scar, also from the perspective of a young boy whose mother has just died (the opening lines are, "Mom died this morning. It wasn't really this morning. Dad said she died during the night, but I was sleeping during the night. For me, she died this morning.") This last one may not be appropriate for a 4yo, as it's longer and more complex, and quite emotionally intense. There are also a few picture books that I feel are a bit more aimed at the parents than the children, but may be meaningful to you - A Bubble, which was written by a dying mother to her two-year-old daughter, and Only One of Me, which was written by a mother to her children upon receiving a diagnosis of terminal cancer.

And of course there books that help children understand and cope with death of a loved one more broadly - for a 4yo, I would recommend I Miss You: A First Look at Death as a good non-fiction explanation and The Goodbye Book for a very simple look at the feelings that come with saying goodbye when someone dies. I also really like the book Life is Like the Wind, which explains death as life leaving the body the way wind leaves a kite and causes it to no longer fly; it does a good job of concretely explaining what death means and how it feels to lose someone you love, and also briefly explores different beliefs about what happens after you die ("People have different ideas about where a life goes when it leaves the body. Some people believe the life enters another body to give life to a new creature. Others believe life goes to a happy place called heaven, where the life can enjoy its favorite things. Some think life goes deep into the ground, giving new life to trees and flowers, or that life goes way up into the stars, where it twinkles brightly and watches over us.") There are also some good books that focus on ways to remember lost loved ones, such as The Memory Box, Here in the Garden, and Always and Forever. There are also several other activity books to help children process grief, such as Muddles, Puddles, and Sunshine and Why Did You Die? Activities to Help Children Cope with Grief & Loss.

Lastly, I'd like to recommend two books that aren't about illness or death specifically but might be very reassuring to your daughter, and you could start reading them now in any case - The Invisible String and No Matter What. The latter has both a UK edition and a US edition with slightly different text, most notably the endings; the UK version includes a line about love continuing after death, which the US one sanitizes into just "when you're far away" - I recommend taking a look at both versions and deciding which you prefer (here are youtube videos showing the US version and UK version). There's also a workbook/activity book coming out in a couple months to go with the Invisible String book, so might be worth checking that out too when it's available.

I hope all this information isn't too overwhelming - feel free to save this post for a time when you feel up to dealing with it, or hand it off to your partner to sort through. Hopefully you'll find something in here helpful. There are also lots of good resources online to advise you on how to have these conversations with your daughter; I'd recommend checking out the comments in this recent post for some good links. Especially be sure to check out the Sesame Street resources on grief in young children, lots of useful stuff in there. I also definitely recommend both you and your partner speaking to a counselor (and your daughter too eventually). I can't imagine going through something like this, and while I completely understand the guilt you feel, I really hope you can find ways to let go of that and enjoy the time you have left with your family. Wishing you healing and peace.

https://www.amazon.com/Rainbow-Bridge-Loss-Heavens-Gain/dp/097203014X

I am so sorry to read about your loss. I know a few women who have lost children unexpectedly and it seems like a truly unique grief. This is a very difficult, intense experience and to feel sorrow and overwhelming pain does not make you terrible. You are a grieving mother who deserves to mourn, and I hope you'll try to be kind and understanding to her.

I wanted to offer this link to a bereaved parents organization , and suggest a book : Healing Grief . Your baby was here, with you, and that is important. There are ways for you to heal and remember her in meaningful ways, and I hope you will feel positive transformation in time.

http://www.amazon.com/Going-Home-Finding-Peace-When/dp/0345502698

My dog is dying atm; vet's advice would be to put him to sleep soon. Reading through this currently, helps put things into perspective.

Very pretty kitty. So sorry that happened. This book helped me a lot when had to say goodbye to my kitty: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0965922510?pc_redir=1410589658&robot_redir=1

Not to be weird, but there's a really interesting book I read a few months ago about animals and heaven, and whatnot. Now, I'm an agnostic and pretty skeptical, but the author of the book was a profound lover of rats and I think it would make you feel better.

http://www.amazon.com/Animals-Afterlife-Stories-Friends-Journey/dp/0972061304

So sorry to hear about your loss.

The kitty had a full-filling life. And she has not left you and would be watching on.

https://www.amazon.com/Signs-Pets-Afterlife-Lyn-Ragan/dp/0991641426