(Part 3) Top products from r/AmItheAsshole

NTA NTA NTA

First of all... .major round of applause for you. You stepped up and protected your wife and baby like a motherfucking champ and I'd give you an earth shattering high five if I could.

Second, have her join the Fed is Best and Fearless Formula Feeders facebook groups of she's wanting more support. Truthfully, as long as she has access to clean water, there virtually no discernable difference between breast milk and formula feeding. If she likes books "Lactivism" by Courtney Jung changed my life (and quite possible saved it).

Lactivism: How Feminists and Fundamentalists, Hippies and Yuppies, and Physicians and Politicians Made Breastfeeding Big Business and Bad Policy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465039693/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ttG2Db91HNDC9

When she's back to her old self, you two will know when the time is right to bring family in. Grandparents aren't necessary for a happy, healthy child and BEING a grandparent isn't a right, it's a privilege.

Living with roommates sucks, especially roommates with very different class/work/sleep schedules. Everyone suggesting 9-10 pm quiet time needs to get out of their morning person bubble. Everyone else suggesting that OP go out every time they want to have a chill conversation with friends is also being unrealistic. For one, that's going to get really expensive. For another, OP has a right to use the living room they pay to rent, which is equally as strong as Roommate's right to sleep, so they must find a way to balance these rights.

I say this as a very, very light sleeper. In a decade and a half of living with roommates, I have never come to a point of not being able to work it out, nor come to a point of putting my foot down and telling a roommate they couldn't use the living room at conversational volumes whenever I was sleeping.

OP - maybe in the politest way possible, you can help your roommate explore some techniques to sleep better. White noise machine or fan, blackout curtains, eye mask, ear plugs. I would again politely encourage your roommate to at least try ear plugs for a week. I recommend the Mack's 32 dB - they are small and squishy enough to comfortably sleep on even for a side sleeper (33 dB are quite a bit bigger) and you can still hear a nearby alarm through them, though they block out background noise. Here is an Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0051U7W32/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_99exDbNDEE7RA

YES YES you WBTHA, or YTA. DO not drag them into this life shattering reality. YOU are grieving and no doubt feel angry everytime someone says something positive, because you feel like the floor has been ripped out from underneath you. DO not tell your children about this. PLEASE find a trusted counselor to talk to about this.

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Esther Perel has a great chapter in her book on this same situation, except it was the wife who found out after her husband died after 50 or so years of marriage. He actually had a second life.

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Heres a link to that book if interested, but do get a therapist now to help safely walk thru the emotions.

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https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583

NTA. There’s this stereotype of the saintly couple who have a disabled child (or multiple children), who feel blessed for the gift because it means God knew they had the love and grace inside to be able to care for their child/children. The problem is that this stereotype means anyone who DOESN’T view it that way must be horrible people and looked down on. Caregiver fatigue is a very real thing - it takes an emotional, mental, and physical toll to take care of someone with special needs. You are allowed to be fearful because you KNOW what it takes.

My recommendation is to seek out community resources to support Caregivers and their families. Even if it’s just having someone you can call who knows what it takes and isn’t going to judge you, it would be at least some help.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/caregiver-stress-and-burnout.htm

Also, tell others to try reading First Do No Harm by Lisa Belkin. She spent a year following an ethics committee, and covered two cases in the book related to children with extreme birth defects or needs. In one case the family decided against medical intervention; in the other, they fought to keep the child alive by any means necessary, and it was eye opening to say the least with how each choice impacted the families.

https://www.amazon.com/First-Do-No-Harm-Impossible/dp/044922290X

I don't think your an asshole, but you aren't handling this as maturely as you could either. There are a few more things you can do to completely eliminate the smell. The first is to get a Smoke Buddy, it's pretty cheap, lasts a while, and does a good job. Next I'd switch to Ozium or something besides Febreeze. Febreeze is going to cover up the smell not eliminate it. If you're smoking a bowl, make sure to cover it after it's been lit so the excess smoke doesn't escape.

YTA - And you are using money as a way to push wayyyy too far into your adult child’s lives. Surely you realize that giving your children properties that are more or less valuable based on whether they want kids or not has a very high likelihood of tearing your family apart. Read this book- specifically the chapter on controlling parents. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381407/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_i8KnDbST51VTP
It might save your relationship with your kids and prevent them from fighting with each other as well.

Knife-Proof Glove

An excellent solution

NTA, good luck.

https://siyli.org/resources/the-emotional-intelligence-revolution

https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Revolution-Harnessing-Emotions-Positive/dp/0806524472

NTA.

This is a good book to reinforce this. I read it with my 3 yo daughter.


Your Body Belongs to You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0807594733?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It’s not perfect, but it’s a good early introduction. I do add clarifications about examples and include specific body parts when I read it.

Portable Door Lock https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07PTXY9LV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_CwcDDbSNK9YPG

I have one of these and it works great! Used for keeping out nosy parents.

This would be a great investment for you

Put up a translucent piece of plastic/film, so people can't see thru the windows but light still gets in?

Something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Coavas-Adhesive-Frosted-Bathroom-17-7by78-7/dp/B00XHXU7PU

NTA. Just start crying and maybe they'll be too scared to keep pressuring you. I CANNOT believe your mother volunteered your hair. That's so inappropriate I can't even tell you.

I highly recommend this book to you. It was really helpful for me when I was younger and struggled with taking care of myself when that self-care was resisted by people I cared about and/or felt obligated to.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_qa4YCbGBX6PVT

I actually like how a lot of them look, but the one OP had her daughter wear was this one. Which makes her 1000x more TA.

Get ear plugs. Yes, they're annoying at first, you will get used to them. Mack's Ultra Soft work wonders.

You're still an asshole, doubly so that you're not copping to the verdict here...

NTA. May I introduce the Fridge Locker?

You and the commenters below neeeeeeed these!

https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Fridge-Locker-Food-Safe/dp/B07FN1CGPY

Hail Santa >:)

Not the asshole is my vote. But, I’d invest in a smoke buddy.Smoke Buddy

NAH

Your son is young and impressionable and you’re just worried. Restricting his internet use may backfire tho (see backfire effect). I suggest maybe giving him a good book to read. Buut it sounds like you already kinda lost him (idea wise).

Here’s a good book about someone’s rise out of white supremacy. Maybe his punishment can be to read this and make a PP out of it or something.

https://www.amazon.com/Rising-Out-Hatred-Awakening-Nationalist/dp/0385542860/ref=nodl_

You’re not the asshole, but your husband is. His family being the issue means he needs to take a stand (preferably a stand for you and the kids, since you’re his immediate family and all).

You have every right to be sad and upset your in-laws aren’t being fair to your children, but the real problem is your husband, not your in-laws. He’s the one not standing up for you and your kids, and he’s the one who’s supposed to be on your side. You should have an honest conversation about your expectations for him: how you need him to choose you and your kids over his parents. You need to be his priority.

I recommend reading about Boundaries

NTA I hate unannounced visitors too and usually don't answer the door. Your MIL is not respecting your boundaries and you have the right to refuse to be walked all over. I got this film to put on my front windows so no one can peek in. It sticks to the window by static electricity so you can take it down whenever you want without harming the window. It lets natural light in, but you can't see through it.

https://www.amazon.com/Coavas-Adhesive-Frosted-Bathroom-17-7by78-7/dp/B00XHXU7PU/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=film+for+window&qid=1569081518&s=gateway&sr=8-4

NAH.

Buy him one of these: https://www.amazon.com/NoCry-Cut-Resistant-Gloves-Performance/dp/B00MXUHHGK/

There's a book you should read: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.

People who behave that way do so because they are never held accountable.
My father-in-law's last words to my wife after making us need to get both of our kids, (one of which was a newborn at the time, the other with special needs) tested for heavy metal exposure by vaporizing lead paint with a heat gun in the room next door to the newborn, while using no safety precautions we're: "I'm not sorry, piss off." We haven't spoken to him in two years. In the past relatively serious things were always met with "Well, I think we both did something wrong here, let's just forget about it."

If you haven't yet, I would recommend you visit /r/raisedbynarcissists and /r/justnomil. There are a fair share of shitposts, but also ones that might give you some insight into things.

I also recommend this book, if you haven't already read it. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381407/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Qoy8Cb2J2EBVC

ESH she does because she is a cheater and you do because you took her back. Have some respect for yourself and end this relationship. Here are two resources for you to consider: https://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1573662208&sr=8-1AND

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https://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1573662208&sr=8-1

Lthis is her rash guard


(One of her rash guards, she has a ton of options to choose from)

You need to read this:
She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

You're a tiny asshole. Your wife is going to see this as keeping your online friends happy while she is not. Like cleaning a fairly clean bedroom when the dining table is a mess.

edit: I somehow missed her manipulative tactic about "I'll find somebody else to have a coffee date with." Unholy fucking hell, dude. You also need to read a book called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. This is not okay way to behave to your husband (or wife for that matter), and points to a very selfish I'm-a-victim-always mindset.

Is this typical of all your disagreements?
The simple subject of Bra's is so deep and nuanced you could probably write a book or at least an article on it and still not come to an objective conclusion. If you were a guy (assuming gender based on username) I would accuse you of mansplaining.


I suspect there is a deeper dynamic going on here. The whole group has made a broad generalization about a state just to piss you off. Looks like you all need to confront each other on a deeper level.


NAH.

Not sure about their reason. Here’s mine.

Dumbing Us Down -25th Anniversary Edition: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling - 25th Anniversary Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0865718547/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_b8cVDbKFTKS4J

Also, the fucking Duggars forever poisoned the idea and cemented the negative connotation.