(Part 3) Top products from r/Parenting

I'm not a regular contributor, but I felt like making a top-10 list of my favorite books so far. (My son will be turning 3 soon.)

The rules mention links to facebook or blogs; I'm hoping non-referral links to Amazon are okay. I'll link board books where possible, because pages get ripped and torn until at least two-and-a-half years of age.

• Little Blue Truck: Most parents probably already know this one. Great book for when children are starting to speak - you can point to each of the animals and ask what it "says."
  
• Jamberry: Beautiful illustrations, and it can be read as a song. I'm pretty sure two verses were switched - I think it should be "Three berry four berry, my berry your berry, hayberry strawberry, finger and pawberry." Bugs me a little bit.
  
• Chugga Chugga Choo Choo: Another singable book with rhymes and good illustrations, and a good means of prompting child participation - they can fill in the "whoo whooo!" part.
  
• Planting a Rainbow: Great eye-grabbing book for learning colors. Can also be read with a rhythm, though it isn't as singable as the others.
  
• Little Owl's Night: Great book for pre-empting any fears of the dark. "Owls wake up at night time, and sleep when the sun is up." Surely if this little owl is chilling at night with his fox and turtle buddies, that means nighttime is nothing to be afraid of.
  
• The Little Dump Truck: Has a good rhythm and good illustrations. Helps give your kid, who loves dump trucks but doesn't know why, an idea of what dump trucks actually do.
  
• Twenty Big Trucks in the Middle of the Street: Fantastic counting book, and has a good rhythm as well. Highly recommend for getting your kid to count past ten.
  
• Potty: A godsend for potty training. Start reading it a couple months before you introduce the potty, and read it often. We potty-trained our son at about 34 months with a combination of this book and Season 2, Episode 1 of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. He used a little plastic thing for about two weeks before we moved him up to the integrated seat, which is great because it can just be wiped down after use.
  
• Julia's House for Lost Creatures: Beautifully illustrated, and a great introduction to cleaning up after yourself. "What do good boys do if they make a little mess?" "Um, clean up!" The text doesn't flow well in some parts - I get the impression that this was intended for comic-book reading children - but it isn't overly wordy and has more than enough art to compensate.
  
• Why is the Grass Green? First Questions and Answers about Nature: If anyone knows about a more recent version of this, I'd be very interested. We found this one in a library's outdoor "take one, leave one" box. Some of it is still too advanced for our little one to wrap his head around, but the way this book distills concepts into concise explanations with simple wording is amazing. Highly recommended for any child that asks a lot of "why" questions.

Do you just say no? We try to follow it up by ignoring him.

Example one - Bedtime. I'm reading him a story and for some reason he felt the need to pinch my cheek really hard. I immediately say "OUCH! That HURT!" (playing up my reaction a bit and really emoting through my face) then plop him on the floor and do the thousand yard stare at some random corner of the room, ignoring him but keeping him in my peripheral vision. About a minute later I put him back in my lap, gave him his paci, and resumed reading the book we had been in the middle of.

Example two - Getting ready to leave the house this morning. I had him on my lap as I put his shoes on and he was flopping around as toddlers do. I don't think he's really gotten the idea that biting clothes is bad too, so I suddenly feel him bite my arm through my sweater's sleeve. I do genuinely think he did it as a random teething thing and not to hurt me, but I played up my reaction again as if he had gotten my arm harder than he really did. "[FULL NAME], NO BITING! Biting hurts!" He cried, I resumed putting on his socks and shoes, by the time I was done with that he was mostly over being upset and I said in an upbeat tone "Are you ready to go to day care?!? You LOVE day care!" to redirect him to the usual going out the door routine.

We also got the book "Teeth Are Not For Biting" and have been reading that a lot. At day care his teacher is magic and got him to do kisses instead of biting, so now she says "Ah-ah, [name], no biting. Do kisses!" then when he gives a kiss she says "Good job [name]! Good kiss!" so he's getting positive attention for good behavior.

This is going to get lost in all these comments, but if you want to get a better perspective on this, Alfie Khon has a very interesting book, Unconditional Parenting, that describes this way of thinking in a bit more detail.

The short of it is that the act of rewarding for one's actions can be as detrimental as being punished for your actions. He backs this up by sourced research in his book, as well as some interesting examples. His point in all of this is to get a parent or loved one to get past a cause-effect relationship and to gear themselves up for a dialogue with their child as to why something deserved praise or criticism without the trap of fearing a future punishment or needing a reward in order to receive the love of a parent.

The book isn't a "how-to" but more of a way of thinking. Surprisingly, I use some of his ideas with the "grown-ups" in my family with pretty good results.

You might find the book "The Explosive Child" helpful in understanding your child's behavior. My son sounds very similar to your daughter (and honestly, much, much less of an explosive child than what the book is truly intended for). However, the premise of the book is that kids who explode like this are lacking in the skills of flexibility and adaptability and that helping them learn these skills is far preferable to punishing bad behavior that stems from a lacking skill.

My pediatrician also recommended the book, "The Whole-Brain Child", which helps explain some of the way children's brains functions. This book is especially useful because it explains why, during huge meltdowns, your child is really incapable of rational thought. You have to wait until the child is calm again before trying to address any of the challenges you're facing.

With that being said, I have noticed in particular that my son has a lot more frequent meltdowns when he is 1) tired or 2) hungry. Asking "are you hungry?" and offering him a snack sometimes snaps him right out of it.

Interacting with him/discussing his feelings/giving hugs during the meltdown seem to make it worse (contrary to my initial impulse which is to walk him through his feelings). This is really only possible AFTER the storm has been weathered. Isolating him, which is pretty much my least natural response, is what seems to work for him the best. We simply tell him he needs to stay in his room until he is calm and ready to talk about what's going on. He calms down MUCH faster by himself and half the time, he ends up falling asleep (and wakes up in a perfectly happy mood).

I read "Oh Crap! Potty Training". The author's recommendation is to not start until they are at least 20months and can sing their ABCs. My kid was speech delayed at that age and definitely couldn't sing her ABCs (and still can't, at 2.5yrs), but we dove in right at 20m and she trained super easily compared to most of my friends' kids, even training for naps and nights. It took us like 2w to get to where I felt like I could leave the house without accidents. And she learned to say "pee pee" when she had to use the bathroom, so that was a plus.

My second born will be 20m in 1 week and I can't decide if I want to dive in and go through 2 weeks of potty training accidents to get the sweetness of never needing diapers again. It's a tough call to make!

Anyways, we used the little separate training potty at first, so that she could put herself on her potty and go pee, and then eventually moved up to setting her on the toilet with an insert which was necessary for using the restroom during outings. By the time I potty trained her, she was also sleeping in a big kid bed already which was super helpful.. I would sit her little potty on a waterproof mat on her floor and if she woke up from her nap, she could quickly sit herself on her potty before I could even get in there. She rarely had accidents in bed.

We read a lot of books about toilets... "Everybody Poops", "Potty Time", and "Once Upon a Potty". Some other books I liked were "Diapers are Not Forever", "Potty", and "Let's Go Potty, Elmo!".

If you haven't already checked this one out, I HIGHLY recommend: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/150113163X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I share this resource with families and also teachers/instructors that work with young children. I have had families tell me that it has given them all of the tools they need to understand what their child is trying to communicate and also how to manage those emotions.

Also, try to offer some calming exercises like balloon belly breathing (eyes closed, picture there is a balloon in your belly and breathe in to fill it up and breathe out to let the air out) with her when you start to see that "monkey mind" starting.

Finally, I can't not promote something that I designed for parents just like you. Please check out
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/yourchime/your-chime-a-book-and-calming-tool-for-children

Best of luck to you! I hope that you remember that it is those independent, ruthlessly stubborn kids that have the most leadership potential. It is your job as a parent to keep her alive (obviously) and show her that she can use those super powers that she has for good when she learns to control her emotions. I have no doubt that your daughter will be an amazing leader someday.

Man, those first few mi the are so hard and your feelings are normal. I know it can be alarming to have intrusive thoughts like that. And they can make you feel like a weirdo, but most sleep deprived people have them - they just don't talk about them.

It's been a long time (my twins are 24 now) but I do remember things got incredibly easier once they could sit up and move around a bit. Closer to 6 months. I promise it will get better! There were nights I let them sleep in their swings because we all just needed some sleep.

I have a two year old now and I breastfed him during the night for a year. After a year of everyone (baby too) getting crap sleep I was so tired and so stressed that I began to feel emotionally unstable, and I finally broke down and bought a sleep training book. Anyway it changed our lives! My only regret is that I didn't sleep train sooner. I could have saved myself a lot of struggle. I know your babies are quite young, but they do have methods for little ones as well. Here is the book I used. The Sleepeasy Solution: The Exhausted Parent's Guide to Getting Your Child to Sleep from Birth to Age 5

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0757305601

I liked this book's method because I would write down how long he fussed at each sleep time and how long he slept. After a few days I had data and could see there was actual progress (less fussing, more sleeping). When he slept through the night I don't think I've had a happier day. Our lives improved tenfold after experiencing a full night sleep again and on a regular basis. With your wife going back to work soon I'd definitely try something. What is there to lose?

The book continued to be helpful. I've referred to it at each new stage. Like going from three naps to two, and two to one. And going from crib to bed.

Best of luck!

The research has time and again shown it to be ineffective and even counterproductive. But others have addressed that already.

>"How will we get the kid to listen then?"

Does he think people go through their lives hitting everyone else to get their way? Does the manager of your favorite restaurant hit the wait staff?

You don't become a leader though force and fear - that's how you become a dictator. You become a leader by building relationships and earning trust and respect - and you do that by demonstrating you're trustworthy, listening, and giving respect in turn.

Does he want his kid to be the one on the playground getting his way by hitting his classmates, or does he want his kid to have the respect and trust of friends who he can thoughtfully work together with? Why should he expect any less from himself than he expects from a child?

Tens (hundreds?) of millions of parents manage to parent effectively without corporal punishment. There are entire countries where it is outlawed; you don't see Sweden getting overrun by terrible, unruly children who can't "listen," and that's because there are other, more effective means at a parent's disposal. If your husband wants to know "how," I suggest you start with the (updated) classic How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen.

Sounds like she needs it to be her idea. Tell her it's ok if she doesn't want panties. Give her diapers, take the potty away an stuff it in the basement somewhere. Don't mention the potty again for 3 months.
After 3 months try again.
Get a book about going on the potty. I recommend http://www.amazon.com/Potty-Leslie-Patricelli-board-books/dp/0763644765. It's simple and funny and you can easily modify the words to suit your family.
The other thing that will be helpful is identifying her currency. If she goes bananas for stickers, than reward potty success with stickers. For my dd it was candy.
The method is the tricky part. You know your kid best. We put out kid on the potty every hour or so until she got the control down. Now we ask periodically if she needs to go, but generally she tells us. Forget pull-ups, they're just diapers. Go panties in the house, clean up lots of messes, it doesn't take long. Try not to shame her for having accidents, but don't tell her it's ok. Remind her that big girls go on the potty, clean up and carry on.
Good luck

I've wrestled with this issue with my stubborn, strong willed, gifted 11 year old for years. I'm only this year beginning to breathe a little easier, but he's always been my challenging child.

I don't treat my children equally - they're too different. My younger is gifted, healthy, introverted, and dyslexic. My elder is responsible, diligent, extroverted, popular, and chronically ill. Life's not fair and they both know it.

6th-8th are the challenging years. This is where the child must learn to assume responsibility for his own work. Parental control is fading fast and the transition needs to be complete before high school. No 6th grader feels like doing homework, of course. But a lot of gifted kids feel like they are somehow "above" doing the work. This is a huge problem, because if we don't get over ourselves by the end of high school we are left in the dust in college. (source: didn't get over myself in high school).

I wish I had concrete advice for you. I don't use threats or punishments or grounding because that's not my style - my younger son was completely immune to punishment even as a toddler, so we abandoned that strategy. And I can't tell you our way is ideal since we've had our share of ups and downs, and only in the last year or two has challenging child begun to turn himself around.

The one book that radically influenced my approach to motivating my kids academically was Alfie Kohn's Punished by Rewards - you might want to check that out. http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816

My almost 2 yr old and I just went to Hawaii from KC and back. She did really well and I was very surprised. I did a lot of research beforehand on basic boarding ettiquite and such for the airline, as well as the various airports we were flying into. Our total one-way flight time with layovers was 18 hrs (ack). The best thing was making it fun and interactive. We constantly looked out the windows, and when the seatbelt sign was off, she was allowed to be unbuckled. She was amazed by the tray table and I brought stuff for her to color with (although she likes drawing on my phone better), snacks, drinks, baby dolls, books, etc. I also bought one of these so we didn't have to use the carseat. It's FAA approved and she actually liked it!

Upvote for G-Diapers alone. Those things are awesome. Be sure to use the swizzle stick to dissolve the disposable pads in the toilet bowl BEFORE flushing. I liked your whole list, and I'd like to add Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to your Happiest Baby book. It really helped our kid establish a wonderful sleeping pattern.

buy "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Weissbluth and get that child on a sleep schedule...i know it is painful but the only way your son is going to learn to self-soothe and get the amount of sleep he needs is to let him cry...you arent betraying him, or betraying his trust, you are giving him one of the best gifts a parent can give - independence and rest...i put sleep just a notch below food in my parenting pyramid and believe it is SUPER important that children get enough sleep...that means two 1-2 hour naps a day until they are 2 yrs and then one 2-3 hr nap a day until at least 4 years...i know that seems like a lot and it will be hard to get the rest of you life done around the nap schedule but in my experience (i have a 3y old) sleep begets sleep and on the days that my DD doesnt get a good nap she doesnt sleep well at night...it's all in this book, i credit it with getting her to sleep through the night at 4 months and we have had minimal sleep problems ever since.

TL;DR buy this book NOW
http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0345486455/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311863969&sr=1-1

It sounds like she's got lots of room to grow in the Frontier, which gives you some good options.

The lightest weight, longest lasting and least bulky for travel are going to be the Evenflo Secure Kid 300(also branded Secure Kid LX) or the Evenflo Secure Kid 400(also branded Secure Kid DLX). There are marginal differences in features. The 400 has Evenflo's SureLatch, the 300 still has push-on connectors, but a more standard design. The 400 has an extra 10lbs of approved booster weight (which isn't likely to get used by the vast majority of kids anyway).

If you don't like the Evenflo seats, the Graco Nautilus is another option. It's heavier and bulkier, but installs well in most vehicles. A benefit to this one for travel is that when she is out of the harness, the back can be removed and it can either be used as just a backless booster, or you can pack the back of the booster in your luggage (padded by clothing) and have her bring the backless portion on the plane as a carry on so that if your luggage is lost, you at least have a usable booster at your destination.

All of these seats are approved for use on aircraft when used in harness mode.

I am so sorry that you're having such a painful time all around.

I can't speak for counseling - my family pretty much pretends that options such as that don't exist, that you have to bootstrap your way out of the "dumps" (grrr) - but I can tell you that I had a book when I was a little girl that really helped with talking about and processing death.

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf - it takes Freddie from bud all the way to where he turns brown and falls off the tree and then lightly touches on how happy he was that he had gotten a chance to live and how he was part of a bigger cycle.

It's one of the few books I kept from my early childhood for my own kids.

But, if I were in your shoes, I'd keep trying counselors until you find one that's a good fit. hug Good luck.

Sounds good. FYI, I highly recommend "The Happiest Toddler on the Block"http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiest-Toddler-Block-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343327766&sr=8-1&keywords=happiest+toddler+on+the+block

I does a great job of explaining to talk "toddlerese". There is also a DVD they made if you want to watch examples.

It sounds like your son really had a special bond with this kitty and is really experiencing deep loss for the first time. I think it's still within the realm of normal grief for a 3yo, but if you're concerned you could certainly consult with a child therapist (I would suggest asking them for tips on handling the situation at home before you think about bringing your son in to speak with them directly). Have you tried reading him any stories that discuss the death of a pet? Goodbye Mousie and The Goodbye Book are good ones for this age, and there are also some lovely books about cats specifically, such as The Tenth Good Thing About Barney and The Day Tiger Rose Said Goodbye. There's also a more factual book by Mr. Rogers called When A Pet Dies which might help you answer any questions he has.

There have been a number of other posts around here about explaining death to young children which you might find helpful to read through, such as this one, this one, and this one. You might also check out this link and this link, as well as these activites. I think helping him channel his grief into actions, whether that's drawing pictures or holding a "funeral" or framing a photo of them together, might help him feel more in control and give him an outlet for some of these overwhelming feelings.

I've recommended this book on this sub before, but I really appreciate how straightforward and calming it is.
Mr. Rodgers "When a Pet Dies"

I'm so sorry you both are going through this. Remember that your kids take their cues from you. If you stay calm and level headed, she will notice that and it will help her cope.

We LOVE the [OK to Wake stuffed owl.] (http://www.amazon.com/Wake-With-Night-Light-Music-Timer/dp/B0044D0HA2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381716013&sr=8-1&keywords=owl+clock+wake) It is $25 and let's you set a wakeup time. At that time it glows green and plays a soft music. If your little one wakes early they can squeeze the belly and it tells them if it is time to wake up, and if not it tells them to go back to sleep and you can set it to play a certain amount of time of lullaby music.

My 4 year old loves it.

I'm not sure what you are looking for. I agree with /u/cadabra04 that there's likely one of 2 reasons for the behavior. In the example you gave, your kid threw a toy. Something made him throw the toy. Some emotion was happening. Was he super excited? Was he pretending it was a superhero and it was flying? Was he mad so he did it out of anger? I think that's the first point. Of those three I'd only discipline for the third and even then I'd say, "We don't throw toys. If you want to throw. you can throw the ball outside. Go pick (Toy) up". If he refused (maybe he is really mad) I'd say it again and say "(Name), pick up the toy." If he ignored I'd walk him to the toy and make him pick it up. All of this is done in a neutral tone, no yelling, no meanness, etc. At that point, my daughter would cry in protest but it got done. This is what the behavioral therapist taught us.
My daughter is strong willed and very emotional. Time outs were hard for her bc she hated isolation and would just escalate to a point where she literally COULD NOT calm herself down yet she didn't want to be talked to/hugged/etc either when she was emotional.

This is a pretty good book that's often recommended on this sub because well, it's pretty good:
https://smile.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1501131656?sa-no-redirect=1

I recently read Setting Limits for your Strong Willed Child and it's been working great for my 2.5 year old. He's not even particularly 'strong willed,' we just don't know wtf we're doing with discipline so this has really helped. Some of the examples with the older kids in the book seem a bit restrictive but for basic limit setting and consequence based problem solving it's great.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0770436595/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1404881657&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40
Three's awfully young for a kitten. I would not leave them unsupervised ever, and before your son even interacts with the cat, remind him that any hitting/chasing/ tail pulling means the cat gets 'put away' and then take the kitten away- hopefully to a toddler-free room with its food, water, and litter.

Don't get discouraged if it doesn't happen right away. Kids train at their own pace. At first we went all out for three or four weeks and got nowhere, he wouldn't stay on the potty, he couldn't wait, he would get up and pee on the floor, etc. So eventually we called it quits.

Then we pulled the potty out again three or four months later and it was almost instant. Within two weeks he was fully trained, just wearing pull-ups at night. Then two weeks after that he was night trained, too, and using the toilet.

It's all about when they're ready.

But I will tell you that in my experience pull-ups were only really useful for night training. In the day he treated it like a diaper, wouldn't use the potty if he was wearing them. So we went with underwear pretty quickly, and that helped move things along.

Also this book which is aimed at toddlers. He's always been big on books, and he'd sit on the potty reading that book until he went. He loved it. Give them something to focus on while they're sitting.

Don't get any potty training routine books for adults. Every kid is very different, and it's all about figuring out what works for them. Eventually it'll click.

It will be messy, though, so be prepared for that.

Don’t beat yourself up. The fact that you are trying to do things differently and are being reflective is important. Don’t sell yourself short. Parenting classes and finding good books are a great place to start.

One of the books that my wife and I consider foundational for our parenting (though is light in practical how-to) is Unconditional Parenting. And one of our girls’ teachers uses the Love and Logic model and it’s got a lot of great techniques.

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

You're only just entering the time when you can start to really get results on sleep, so don't feel you're behind.

Until you get the book: Spreadsheet with one row for each day. Put in as many columns for down | up | down | up | down as you think you'll need + 1. Then add a column to calc the total sleep for that day.

Fill this in for a while and you will see trends in when the baby sleeps and how much. Just record for about a week and don't try to accomplish anything specific.

Next, you game the system by working on the down times, shifting them by small increments (like 15 minutes) to the times you want, and ultimately collapsing some of the sleep sessions together.

Do not try to game the system by working the wake-up time. It should be a natural function of the time they go to sleep and how much sleep they need. Always let them sleep. Never wake them up in an effort to change the sleep pattern.

This saved my butt. I wish I had done it as early as 3 mos.

PM me if you're too tire to make the spreadsheet. I'll be glad to set one up.

Ok-I'm currently in this position as we speak. After reading several articles and talking to countless friends who have been through it i purchased the following yesterday on amazon-
Toilet seat covers &
folding potty w/ handles This might seem like overkill but my daughter insists on having something to hold on to
and i also bought a mini lysol for my bag and small hand sanitizer. I realize this might be overkill but any lady knows that womens bathrooms can be disgusting so it makes me feel alittle bit better knowing i can prevent some germs from going into my toddlers mouth or eyes since thats the next place her hand would inevitably go.

There's another edition of this book that focuses on 2-7yos, which contains an entire chapter devoted towards children with autism, sensory issues and developmental delays, which isn't to say your son has those issues, but you could still apply the methods outlined in that chapter to a kid who's still learning to express himself. For example, there's these subsections:

• Take Time to Imagine What Your Child is Experiencing
  
  
• Put into Words What Kids Want to Say
  
  
• Use Alternatives to the Spoken Word: Write a Note, Use a Gesture, Draw a Picture, Sing
  
  I think these would be really helpful for nonverbal kids. Plus, it's only a matter of time before your son is verbal, and I often wish I had discovered this book BEFORE I really needed it, which is around 2yo. You have to adopt a different mentality and it took me a couple months to really shift gears away from the reward/punish first mentality.

Looks like you've got a SWC (strong willed child) on your hands. Do you want a weak willed child? There are books on how to handle a strong willed child. Here is what we do for my daughter. (She is 4.5)

When we are presented with inappropriate behavior from her. We tell her "this behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable and you will not get anything from it. Go sit on the steps, this is a time out for your inappropriate behavior" if she won't go to time out, she goes directly to her room. If she won't go to her room we take her to her room. We put her in her room and tell her to count to 50 to calm down. (It usually stops here, if it escalates) If she tries to come out of her room, the door gets locked. If she hangs on the door and bangs on the door, she gets threatened with a spanking, if she continues to bang on the door we go ahead with spanking. (Spanking is four swats on the bottom) she is told if she continues to bang on the door she will get another spanking. She usually doesn't go this far. She usually gets spanked about 2-3 times a year. We have been very consistent and most unacceptable behavior stops with a time out.

She needs to learn how to cope with her emotions on her own. You can help her do this. Counting works great for this.

I suggest reading: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0770436595/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=HM9P1BV18AG37RQERGBV&dpPl=1&dpID=51URtF9fnSL

It's difficult to begin implementing a discipline plan, but children need discipline. Otherwise your daughter will end up like this: https://youtu.be/bIyW_-6IILk

As for food and meals, we give our children 3-4 options for dinner and we try to get them to help cook. We usually don't have issues with eating. Good Luck.

Oh the down votes I shall get for spanking my child. I can just feel my karma go negative. I'm just no good at Reddit. In fact I bet my comment will be removed.

My son was about 2 and a half when he developed the very fun habit of just getting out of bed whenever he liked. We tried a bunch of things, but nothing really worked. Eventually we bought a stuffed owl that tells kids when they're allowed to get up out of pure desperation. Worked like magic, and still works great now at almost 4. Your mileage may vary, but it's probably worth a shot: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0044D0HA2/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1413774838&sr=8-1

This book worked wonders for our son. He loves using the potty and has moved up the regular toilet. We started training in February and he would go pee but was afraid of pooping. We kept at it and after we kept reading this book to him he now loves going on the potty and will go in public restrooms too. Worth a try.

Just keep in mind that the FAA allows infants on the lap because it boosts air travel rates, not because it's safe.

The turbulence issue is rare but pretty bad and can kill children. I tend to agree with the thinking that if you wouldn't put your kid in a car without a belt you shouldn't do it in an airplane either. There's only one FAA approved harness for little ones and it's pricey but it works (other harnesses are usually not allowed to be used which is retarded).

You're not asking about this particular issue but you've got good answers for how to handle your gear and I thought I'd suggest one more piece of overpriced "stuff". Happy traveling :).

There is a top rated series that has been around for years and is constantly updated:

https://www.amazon.ca/Its-Not-Stork-Families-Friends/dp/0763633313

https://www.amazon.ca/Its-So-Amazing-Babies-Families/dp/0763668745/ref=pd_aw_fbt_img_2/136-1458463-9877260?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0763668745&pd_rd_r=1276f820-7e54-11e9-a800-798d64934000&pd_rd_w=yWMmI&pd_rd_wg=VeLzc&pf_rd_p=318fc841-c654-436b-9e98-a4e2694ba626&pf_rd_r=MCSQGCMT881D674448T7&psc=1&refRID=MCSQGCMT881D674448T7

https://www.amazon.ca/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763668729/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2/136-1458463-9877260?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0763668729&pd_rd_r=8806a471-7e54-11e9-b06b-1967775fe31c&pd_rd_w=MRz2Z&pd_rd_wg=eITPH&pf_rd_p=318fc841-c654-436b-9e98-a4e2694ba626&pf_rd_r=HN5SAZ8QJYDZZ0CAPQJJ&psc=1&refRID=HN5SAZ8QJYDZZ0CAPQJJ

Each book is aimed at a different age group - the title “Its Perfectly Normal” is aimed at ages 10 and up.

My son is only 6 weeks old but I already have the series of books on our shelves. He’s got a long way to go before these conversations start, but I loaned them all to my sister to read with my 7-10 year old niece and nephew and they thoroughly enjoyed them and the conversations and questions that followed.

I have two books to recommend which might help, although our daughter is only 6 and had many of the explosive/destructive bursts that you describe (they are greatly improved now).


Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child, Revised and Expanded 2nd Edition: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries

Reading and implementing the techniques in this book recently stopped almost all of the behaviors that we were going crazy over. Our daughter was getting more and more abusive with name-calling, hitting, breaking things, etc and after reading this book and implementing the techniques, it is 95% gone. When it still happens, we now feel like we have tools to deal with it calmly but firmly.

The Explosive Child

This book focuses on preventing explosions and managing explosions proactively/in the moment. It focuses as well on the type of child that acts out in this way, and how to deal with it. A co-worker recommended this book to me after dealing with his son's explosive outbursts. His son's therapist recommended it to him.

Our daughter also showed little remorse for things like pushing her brother down the stairs, hitting him in the face, breaking doors, etc. One of the biggest realizations to me was that my wife and I were being permissive in our parenting approach, and the lack of firm consequences was causing our daughter to act out more. The Setting Limits book describes the three parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive, mixed) quite articulately.

I love this one, it's perfect: http://www.amazon.com/Graco-Nautilus-Car-Seat-Matrix/dp/B0011URFRE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375123899&sr=8-1&keywords=convertible+car+seat

My guess is teething. Biting helps relieve the pressure. Try more teethers? We like putting ice in a fresh food feeder. You may also want to add a book called "Teeth Are Not For Biting" to your bedtime routine: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1575421283/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1463287649&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=teeth+are+not+for+biting+board+book&dpPl=1&dpID=614Ob8PCQNL&ref=plSrch (Sorry for formatting, I'm on mobile)

There's a great book I just finished on this topic: Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman. It's the true story of an American mom who admired how French children behaved and her resulting exploration of how and why.

I do think there is an American, child-centric form of parenting that has developed that is bad for the kids, parents and the rest of the family. It blows my mind how parents let their kids be such ultra-picky eaters. This book addresses that issue and many others.

If you've been co-sleeping don't jump straight to Ferberizing.

I read maybe 7 or 8 sleep training books that ran the gambit from Weisenbluth Extinction method, and Ferberizing Cry it Out, to the Dr. Sears cosleep until they don't want to or Sleep lady shuffle out of the room.

We eventually choose the Sleepeasy Solution from Waldburger and Spivak. It's not too extreme on either end. It does, however, take preparation and planning. You analyze sleep patterns and habits first and then make a plan that works for your family. We felt like the analysis and planning before was what made the sleep training part work in about 2 nights. It took awhile but my LO sleeps like a champ now.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Sleepeasy-Solution-Exhausted-Parents/dp/0757305601

That book is meant for younger kids, but there are two additional books written by the same authors aimed at older kids It's so amazing! for 7-10 year olds, and It's perfectly normal for 10 and up.

For kids that young, I think carseats are an option too, if you have a travel seat. That said, you would probably be better off going with 3 seats in coach, as it'll give her room to sit and play and stretch her legs. If you go this route, be sure to get an appropriate kid harness for the seat. This is the one I used on our trip to Florida with a 2.5yo.

Even though she's young, when you book, start talking about what's going to happen. Tell her all about planes and about being in the sky. Practice taking off and landing (put her in a chair and tilt it back and wiggle it around). If you have a flight museum nearby, take her out there so she can see a plane close up and get to know what it's all about. She's young, but would probably benefit from exposure to a new thing before it happens.

You asked for books/resources, so here's one:

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

It's by the same authors as the old classic How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Kids Will Talk, but focused more on younger children. Honestly when you try to implement some of the strategies in the book you can't help but become more self-aware of your own knee-jerk reactions to your kids.

I know it's late for this post, and you might already be finished potty training, but I would highly suggest the book "Toilet trainining in less than a day." It's behavioral-based toilet training, and it's worked great for our two kids. One day to train the first, and the other took about a week (though she's young, just 18 months old).

Toilet Training in Less Than a Day. https://www.amazon.com/Toilet-Training-Less-Than-Day/dp/0671693808

You have to read the whole book. You have to follow the whole process. It might take you one day to read the book, and then the process itself takes less than a day. The method from this book was used to train literal retards to use a toilet, for an average child it works like magic.

We used this book to toilet train our son in less than a day just after he turned three. He went from using diapers exclusively to using the toilet exclusively, it was amazing to us. Our daughter didn't want to do it until she was about 3.5, then she agreed and it was over in a day. Seriously, get this book and follow the process exactly.

I’d recommend The Whole Brain Child My SO and I reading it together during the last bottle feed and it’s pretty solid in our opinion.

We've had one of these since our son was younger than 2 - similar to the clock idea, but stays in his bed (was in his crib) and helps him go to sleep as well.

http://www.amazon.com/Wake-With-Night-Light-Music-Timer/dp/B0044D0HA2

To answer the question you actually asked, I'd say your husband has unrealistic expectations of 2yo behavior. And of people's emotional needs more generally--if you were upset and crying, would he send you to your room alone until you stopped? At that age, kids can't control themselves, their emotions, or their behavior, so we have to help them learn how to do so: sending them off alone isn't doing that; it's showing them that having big emotions is unacceptable.

Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block was really helpful. I didn't like the bedtime/sleep section, but the rest is great. Might be a useful read for your husband, in terms of explaining toddler psychology?

(And I agree that your son is likely overtired and perhaps hungry by the time you pick him up. My toddler had frequent (daily) tantrums as soon as I picked him up from school/sitter, until I figured out that he had low blood sugar and started bringing snacks along and loading him up in the car. That helped a lot.)

http://smile.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Strong-Willed-Revised-Expanded/dp/0770436595/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1464493529&sr=1-2&keywords=strong+willed+child This book has taught me how to effectively discipline my strong willed terrorist as well as helped me understand where we are both coming from. 123 magic was also helpful. I rarely get past "2" these days, if I get to 2.

I use to live in France. Life sucked until I learned to speak it with little accent. The French are pretty strict about prononciation. But once I learned it well, I loved it. The French were crazy about me. I go back to France on vacation and they ask why I don't live there. When you think you want to leave and life sucks then welcome to living abroad. It gets better. Study the language. Job market in France has always sucked, your husband knows that. He's a jerk.


Just be thankful you don't live in Poland, where I live now. This language is way way way more difficult to learn. French is relatively similar to English compared to Polish.


You will like this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Bringing-Up-B%C3%A9b%C3%A9-Discovers-Parenting/dp/1594203334

Many swear by French preschools.



You have to put in some work but it'll be fine.

Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes

I was fortunate enough to stumble across this book when my impossible to discipline child was only 2 - sticker charts and other incentives were already backfiring big time. Although written for school aged children, not toddlers, the principles completely changed my approach to parenting both of my kids.

https://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816

Buy it. Read it. If it doesn’t work for you no harm done, but it sounds to me like this is what you need.

Whatever allows you to survive the first 6 weeks is all good.

Edited to add: This book saved me - showed me what was "normal" sleep patterns by week so I didn't feel like I was messing anything up. It then gives an indication of reasonable nap schedules once the baby is a little older. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0345486455/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I read this book and I really like what it had to say. I liked how it framed developing a relationship with your child. My kids are 2 and 4 yrs old. So who knows how this stuff will end up working out. So far so good. I want a different relationship with my children than I had with my parents. So I am doing things differently, very differently. I also don't like the typical American parent, child relationship. So I looked for parenting philosophies outside of the American norm. I figure to not raise a typical American kid, teenager, and adult I would use different parenting methods.

We liked The Happiest Toddler on the Block series.

https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422

The recent edition by Joanna Faber is awesome, too.

https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1501131656

It's So Amazing:

https://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Families-Library/dp/0763668745/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0763668745&pd_rd_r=E8406R5F8R7CPXBCJMXN&pd_rd_w=NgT8C&pd_rd_wg=qdlYo&psc=1&refRID=E8406R5F8R7CPXBCJMXN

Obviously I'm in late on this but I'm all for CIO. I have done it with both of my children and we are actually the envy of our other parent friends for having children that are on a predictible, healthy sleep schedule at 4 months old. 7 weeks is too early IMO, but at 4 months give it a shot. It's hard to let them cry at all, believe me I know, but we aren't talking an hour of crying. I used this book and this book to guide me. We did co-sleep until 4 months and then went into CIO (modified I suppose, but you'll see that in the books). Within 3 days my daughter was sleeping through the night at 4 months old. My son took about the same amount of time. My daughter is now 3 and still takes a midday nap and goes to bed around 8pm, sleeps through the night and wakes alert and happy. My son is 16 months and wakes up around 7am, naps at 10am-12:30pm, then again some days from 3:30-5:00pm, then goes down for the ENTIRE night at 7 or 8pm. We have video monitors so yes, I know they are sleeping.....not waking up crying and falling back asleep.

CIO gets a bad rep, but for us it has been wonderfully effective.

Everything about kids development from when they are a baby to when they are a teenager is about their emotions. They feel new emotions or emotions to a greater extent as they age and they learn how to handle them. Sometimes that handling results in inappropriate behavior. So, although his behavior needs to be addressed the more important issue is the emotion that is causing the behavior. It's likely some kind of frustration that you didn't even know was happening. It can be difficult to get it out of them though. I really like this bookas it has a number of strategies to communicate better with kids.

As for the school thing, my wife is a teacher and has had classes like this. It's difficult to balance the needs of the classroom when you have kids that are always acting up. The school can only do so much. I live in Ontario though and we have two public school boards for every region and if it was my kid and he was that young I would probably try and transfer him. I know that's not an option everywhere though.

I know people are probably recommending lots of books to you, but seriously, read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Bringing-Up-B%C3%A9b%C3%A9-Discovers-Parenting/dp/1594203334

Our son has slept through the night since he was 3.5 months (he's 18 months now and sleeps almost 12 hours every night). He has some frustration sometimes, but we set limits and try to say no only when it's really important (re-direction is useful at this age). He's generally a really happy kid (even more or less when he's sick/teething)

I have a potty seat to keep in the car for her to use as well as a [portable potty seat](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000BXHPEU/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_ASZ8ub0CEDEWS
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000BXHPEU/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_ASZ8ub0CEDEWS) to keep in my bag to use on public toilets.

My daughter, 29 months, has been potty training for two weeks and hasn't had an accident in 5 days or so.

I make sure she uses the potty before we leave, and make sure she has access to a bathroom about every hour or so.

Our 2 and 8 monther finally figured out how to crawl out of his crib (we're surprised it took this long). He's going to move to a big boy bed this weekend. We got him the Ok To Wake! Owl... we'll see if it helps.

OP, you're getting a lot of downvotes here, which is unfortunate. I think a big part of the "kid friendly" food is due to modern American culture. For a different view, consider looking at different cultures. For example, the book Bringing Up Bebe talks about the French policy on raising children--and their food policy is similar to what you're talking about.

A tricky point that many people don't mention, though, is that other cultures (like the French culture) are cohesive in supporting a particular idea or expectation involving parenting. When there's less cultural support or unanimity surrounding an idea, it becomes more difficult to support--instead of leaning on the culture for support, you have to become the willpower driving your expectation forward. It's easier to slip, feel tired, feel that it's "too much work," for the child to get other ideas, etc.

You could try this owl thing we have. It turns green when it's "OK to wake." She might be a bit too young, but it's worth a try!

https://www.amazon.com/Wake-Owl-Night-Light-Music-Timer/dp/B0044D0HA2/ref=sr_1_1_s_it?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1467810372&sr=1-1&keywords=ok+to+wake

This is a fun one.

Potty (Leslie Patricelli board books) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0763644765/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_otQSub04E7VWY

Also:

Everyone Poops (My Body Science Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/192913214X/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_duQSub12X94F5

We always purchased a seat for our kids even when they were under 2 and could fly free on a lap. It's just so much easier to give them their own space strapped in to their car seat (most are airline rated these days).

Now that they are toddlers and have to have their own seat anyway we use this:
http://www.amazon.com/Child-Airplane-Travel-Harness-Restraint/dp/B0012E4FV8

This one has been the most useful so far, but my kids are not yet teens - I feel that is an important disclaimer.

If it were me, I'd stop using time out unless she's breaking a rule. If whining is against the rules in your house that's one thing, but putting her in time out because she's upset about something seems counterproductive.

Happiest Toddler on the Block is a book. I liked it. It didn't revolutionize anything here at the Snow household but it did give me a better way to empathize with what Toddler_Snow was going through.

Get this book: http://www.amazon.com/Toilet-Training-Less-Than-Day/dp/0671693808/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408989944&sr=1-1&keywords=toilet+training+in+less+than+a+day

Especially read the part where the mom and child go thru it, line by line. It worked in 2-3 days for my oldest and youngest. The book has been around since the 70's, but it definitely works wonders. (as for my middle kid, I had decided to hold off training after his sister was born. He woke up one day and announced he wasn't a baby like her and didn't want to wear diapers anymore...and didn't! I didn't argue)

I thought this was a really useful book for advice on dealing with toddler meltdowns: http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Four-Year-Old/dp/0553384422/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377481709&sr=1-1&keywords=happiest+toddler+on+the+block

Basic advice is that your first reaction when a toddler starts a tantrum is to mirror back to them what you think they are feeling in language simple enough for them to understand and with enough emotion to communicate that you really get how upset they are. Basically, it's "active listening" - a technique used by professional mediators and psychologists, among others. It works on people of every age. The idea is to convince them that they have been heard, so they will be more open to hearing what you have to say.

Also, my advice for a working woman coping with a period of SAHMhood: get out of the house as much as possible. The day goes faster and problems seem more trivial when you are out and about. Yes, I know it is a hassle to take them both out. I have twins. It can be done!

There's a book called "When A Pet Dies" by Mr. Rogers that might be helpful http://www.amazon.com/When-Pet-Dies-Fred-Rogers/dp/0698116666

I'm sorry your kitty is dying. (((hugs)))

>but his general compliance skills are lacking, and that needs fixed.

He's 3 and this is normal. I recommend the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen"

Just switched my 4yr old to this seat, he will remain in a 5 point harness as long as possible and this seat converts to high back booster when they are ready and then to a regular booster, so this should be the last seat we ever need to buy him.
http://www.amazon.com/Graco-Nautilus-Car-Seat-Matrix/dp/B0011URFRE/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377792607&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=graco+nauti

No one has recommended "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp.... so I will! Teaches you all about the psychology of a toddler so you can understand how to prevent tantrums and how to calm them down when they happen. It's written in a kind of silly way (the whole thing uses the analogy of toddlers being like cave men), but I think it's worth a look.

I use this for my son. You put it on the very front of the toilet, it doesn't fit over the whole seat. The lip on the front of the potty seat goes right against the front edge of the toilet. The potty seat comes with a clear zipper bag and I keep it in that in my diaper bag. It fits in the spot where the changing pad would usually go in my diaper bag.

He's got to cry it out. It's the endgame for all sleep issues with little kids, it's simply a matter of how much guilt and torture the parents want to heap on themselves before they reach that point.

My son and daughter were both like your son, they started out as a awesome sleepers and it all fell apart at about this age. This is rough time for kids, but it's temporary.

EDIT: We introduced this when my son was about 18 months old and it really helped him stay quiet in the early morning hours. The owl tells them "go back to sleep" or turns green and says "It's okay to wake!" after a time that you set.

Yes, this is what we did too. It's a life/leg saver.

We used this one, it's ugly but it works fine and was cheap.

PRIMO Folding Potty with Handles, White granite https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000BXHPEU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_sO2mybKVW6DGS

We just did this with our 10 month old. The book we read was The Sleepeasy Solution. The book goes over dealing with older children also (up to age 4 I think).

It worked incredibly well, I can't recommend it enough.

I agree with /u/slimjim72384 on How to Talk so Kids Will Listen but maybe the little kids edition which is aimed at kids 2-7. While your oldest is 8, I think it will still be relevant.

Amazon has it for sale for just $140 right now.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0011URFRE/ref=oh_details_o03_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Great book about the cycle of life and death suitable (not scary) for very young children: http://www.amazon.com/The-Fall-Freddie-Leaf-Story/dp/0943432898

You should read this: http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816

We used the methods in the book. "Toilet training in less than a day." Worked with our young uns.
Edit: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0671693808/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:

Link: http://www.amazon.com/Toilet-Training-Less-Than-Day/dp/0671693808/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1397230837&sr=8-4&keywods=How+to+potty+train

• UK: amazon.co.uk
  
• Spain: amazon.es
  
• France: amazon.fr
  
• Germany: amazon.de
  
• Japan: amazon.co.jp
  
• Canada: amazon.ca
  
• Italy: amazon.it
  
• China: amazon.cn
  
  
  This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting).

Unconditional Parenting - check out this book http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486

It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families.

And "Teeth are not for biting": http://www.amazon.ca/Teeth-are-Biting-Elizabeth-Verdick/dp/1575421283

I'm cheap and borrowed a copy from the library.

We've got both of our sons in the Graco Nautilus seat.

This is the one we got: http://www.amazon.com/Child-Airplane-Travel-Harness-Restraint/dp/B0012E4FV8

I've gotten these things:

For when there's no potty around or on long car rides, I just put this on the car floor or in a parking lot and let her have at it:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008VWJHUS?keywords=folding%20potty%20seat&qid=1452524009&ref_=sr_1_44&sr=8-44

These go in the diaper bag for public toilets:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0009QYSO4?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000BXHPEU?keywords=folding%20potty%20seat&qid=1452523989&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1

And don't forget wipes and changes of clothes and plastic bags to put accident covered clothes in. I also like to carry hand sanitizer. Also, if you use a stroller, you might want to cut some wee-wee pads to size and line the stroller with them. Same for the car seat.

You need to read this book. You are NOT a servant to your children. You have the total ability as a parent to make your children behave. This book helped me in a LOT of ways. I have a 5.5 year old and one on the way. We still have problems as times and she acts out. For the most part though our family is calm. I learned it was up to me to make that happen. Her actions were my fault as a parent. I had to give her guidelines and realistic ones.

I couldn’t finish the book. I stopped reading when they recommended locking a 5-yr old in their room during a tantrum, and gave a detailed explanation on how to wedge a blanket just right if you don’t have a lock on the door.

One of the authors, Foster Cline, was a big proponent of attachment therapy, a controversial therapeutic technique that killed a few kids back in the 1980’s and 1990’s.

Personally, I think Love and Logic is dangerous, and if I hear of a parent using their techniques, I would suggest alternative books.

I like Peaceful Parent, Happy Kid, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and The Whole Brain Child..

Reward system? Ugh. This is 2014 for crying out loud. Bribing doesn't change underlying behavior. http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816

2 go-to resources that tend to get mentioned a lot when this type of topic comes-up:

The Sesame Street episode where Big Bird is told about Mr. Hooper's death.

Mr. Roger's book When a Pet Dies

I hope these at least give you a starting point.

> Could she be clinically depressed or bipolar at 17 months?

No. You're not describing symptoms of either.

I have a cousin whose daughter sounds EXACTLY like yours. She's never content, always screaming/crying/fussing. She's developmentally delayed (I'm not saying yours is) as she isn't really talking at all at 2.5 years old.

Have you spoken to your pediatrician about these concerns? Have you requested an evaluation to determine if it's something medically concerning?

Edit: I also highly recommend The Whole Brain Child, it talks about how to parent by catering towards your kid's brain development level.

So much bad advice in this thread. PUNISHMENT AND REWARD DOES NOT WORK! This is not the 1950s! We know better now! Gold stars, reward calendars, all that crap - your child is not a dog! http://www.amazon.com/Punished-Rewards-Trouble-Incentive-Praise/dp/0618001816/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420858818&sr=8-1&keywords=punished+by+rewards

Sorry to say, you are a "bad mom" in every classic sense of the word. You have so many parenting resources at your disposal and yet you've chosen to just yell and punish instead.

["Teeth are not for biting," this book worked with our kid.]
(http://www.amazon.com/Teeth-Biting-Board-Book-Behavior/dp/1575421283/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418330524&sr=8-1&keywords=teeth+are+not+for+biting+book)

Also, initially we have him a flat rubber ladybug to keep around at school to bite on when he got frustrated. That helped a lot until he learned to control himself.

I can actually help a bit as I am going through something very similar right now.

First of all - I am sorry about your loss, it doesn't take the pain away but realize you aren't alone.

Have you built up a good support system? People are going to be asking you 'what can we do', let them help in any way they can. One of the moms from my daughters school setup a meal delivery thing on some website, I have food in the cooler every night and haven't had to grocery shop in a while.

Here are some books to help you talk with her about it:
When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide To Understanding Death

The Fall of Freddie The Leaf

Edit - Remembered the third book
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children

There was another one that the school counselor gave me but I can't recall the name. The dinosaur one was the one my daughter most connected with.

As far as telling her. I just sat my daughter down, and reiterated how mommy had been sick for a while, and that last night she died. We cried for a bit and then that was it, she went back to status quo. She cried a couple more times after that and aside from the occasional 'I really miss Mommy' there hasn't been any outward signs of grief. From talking with the school counselor and the bereavement center this is all normal for her age range (my daughter is around the same age as yours).

I feel for you friend, feel free to reach out to me anytime.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Pet-Dies-Fred-Rogers/dp/0698116666

Mr. Rogers is always the go-to expert on these sorts of things.
I used this book with my child when our dog died (at about the same age) and it helped immensely!

The book about life and death that I remember from about this age was [The Fall of Freddie the Leaf] (https://www.amazon.com/Fall-Freddie-Leaf-Story-Life/dp/0943432898). Non-religious from what I remember, and it explains life and death as a part of a larger process.

As far as supporting the daycare staff, I'd ask the director if they have sought out any bereavement counseling options for the staff (and possibly for the kids if the teacher does pass).

I will say this; every child is different.

We tried the No Cry Sleep Solution, followed it meticulously, and it was a complete failure. Decided to do the The Sleepeasy Solution and within two nights, he was sleeping the night. Now he's sleeping 11 hours a night.

My son was stillborn, so it's not the same I know, but I remember the beginning, it felt like I was drowning in cold black water. I wanted to let go, go under, and let the deep take me. Not suicide, just give into the hopelessness and despair.

I did give in, sometimes. You have to. My husband tried to be strong 100% of the time, support me, but we both found that we both absolutely had to breakdown sometimes, or we would have just cracked under the pressure.

The son I lost was my only son (at the time), so this I don't know from personal experience, only from my time as a therapist. Let you wife and children see you cry. Fathers often try to soldier through (sorry, I couldn't think of a better word), thinking that it is best for their wife and surviving children if they never see them cry. On the surface, this makes sense, but it turns out not to be true. Your family needs to see you cry, especially your sons. They are still learning to process emotional situations, so unconsciously they will mimic those around them, especially their father. Expressing grief not only helps you, it helps them see that it is okay for them to cry, and that their brother meant as much to you as he did to them. In this situation, as in many, bottling up how you feel isn't good for you either, particularly in the long term. You want to process this grief as it is welling up inside you to keep from getting trapped in it, and you need to experience it to do this. I learned that the hard way. Nine months after I lost my son, I had a late term double miscarriage, I lost 2 of a set of triplets. I shut down, thinking I should focus on my surviving baby. What I should have done is gotten some grief counseling like I had 9 months before. I didn't do that, and the unprocessed grief eventually caught up with me.

Grief counseling. You, your wife, and your sons. All of you should get some. This loss is tragic, sudden, unexpected, and will be a part of you for the rest of your lives. You want, you need the skills to manage this loss, because it won't ever go away.

It never goes away. Over the years I have had many parents, many families ask me "Will it ever go away, will it ever get better." If I could sum up what I have told many hundred parents and kids and families in the 10 years since I became a social worker and the nearly 6 years since the death of my son, it never goes away, but one day you wake up and find that you don't mind carrying it with you.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my little boy and those short few months I was blessed to be his mother. Most days it is without pain, without sorrow. I look at my living son (born 15 months later) and know that my first son's memory is carried into this world with him. I do have tough days. Yesterday I had an 'it's not fair day'. Some days I have short periods of sorrow, randomly breaking through on an ordinary day. The days before his birthday are lousy. But mostly my few memories of him give me comfort. You have many more memories of you son than I have of mine, and in the beginning, that's going to make your grief so much worse. But with time, those memories will keep you company and give you peace. I know that you can't see that now, no one can see much of anything in the beginning. But you'll get there. You will feel your sons absence keenly, but its own way he will still be a part of your family. My son loves his older brother. He's 4 now, and he likes to hear stories about him, even though it's the same few stories over and over again. Once he drew me a picture of him. And he will use him to get out of trouble or get something he wants, saying "David did it!" or "David thinks I should be allowed to have soda." Your youngest baby, for whom I'm praying, will have a relationship with your son in this way, should you and your wife want that. I read my son a book called Someone Came Before You to help him understand his brother's story and the unique place he holds in our family. Your older sons will need help understanding too. The book I have most often recommended to families who have lost young children (although it is a good book about loss in general) is Freddie the Leaf. It is a book my mother read to me when I was a child. Loss is hard for even adults to understand, and this book is so good for kids.

Your wife is going to feel guilt. You may too. It's a pretty standard feeling among parents who have lost children. It is our mind's way of reassuring ourselves that this won't happen again. If it was my fault, then I can do something different, and prevent such a tragedy from ever happening again. It is also natural - we are our children's protectors, so if something happens, it must be our fault? It's not. You didn't do this. Your wife didn't do this. And right now, she is going to need to hear that over and over. My husband had to reassure me a lot in the beginning, and sometimes even now.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I had a time machine. All I can do is tell you that you won't always feel like you are drowning, that there are professionals our there that can help you and your family cope, and that you are not alone. The Compassionate Friends is a great resource, and if you ever need to talk one on one, please message me.