(Part 3) Top products from r/RedditForGrownups

> I’m not the grammar police except in my own head, and I don’t correct people (except my husband because I love him and don’t want others thinking he’s ignorant) but I do think less of them and I don’t like that about myself. [...] So I’ve written down that sentence from the advice column, and hope that if I see it several times every day, I will become less critical of others’ shortcomings and more gracious with people in general.

Something else that can help is to remember that just because we think we know something doesn't mean we're correct about what we know.

Quite a bit of the English "grammar" we learn in school has little to do with what's objectively grammatically correct in our language and much to do with who speaks certain ways. "I've never been there" and "I ain't never been there" are equally correct; the latter simply uses stigmatized forms. Every person speaks one or more dialects, and every dialect is a rule-governed system. But when rules conflict, the one that's seen as "right" in mainstream society is the one used by those with more societal power and prestige.

There are even completely artificial, nonexistent "rules" imposed on the language from the outside, purely for the purpose of signaling prestige. It's never incorrect, for example, to end a sentence with a preposition. This is and always has been grammatical in English, in any dialect—but for hundreds of years, as a completely arbitrary rule it's been a useful shibboleth for identifying who can afford a certain level of education.

If you're the autodidactic type and want to learn more about what we were incorrectly taught in school, a couple of books I highly recommend as primers are American English: Dialects and Variation by Walt Wolfram and Natalie Schilling and English with an Accent: Language, Ideology, and Discrimination in the United States by Rosina Lippi-Green. Both of these texts were fundamental to shattering and rebuilding my entire grammatical worldview during my first linguistics course in college, prior to which I'd considered myself quite the expert on what was "right" and "wrong" in English.

A lot of good suggestions here, but I recommend working on yourself from the ground up. Specifically, addressing your depression and low self-worth. Your parents have seemingly caused you a great deal of pain and muddied your self-perception and your perception of the world. Counseling is a no-brainer. But what I have found to help me most significantly is reading self-help books that help you work through the challenges of your toxic way of thinking. The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David D. Burns goes into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and teaches you to overcome the warped thoughts that plague many of us. Formal therapy can absolutely help, but for me self-education and working through the concepts described by CBT on my own were extremely beneficial to me in my 20s.

That is a tough question. Luck definitely plays a role, and it's easy to compare yourself to your peers. I would recommend the following:

https://b-ok.cc/?signAll=1

At the above website read free copy of mark manson's 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck'

Also have a look at this:

https://dailystoic.com/

And this:

Happy: Why More or Less Everything is Absolutely Fine https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0552172359/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_r0HPDbSS5P7GY

I think there's more to it than the lists posted here, but my boyfriend doesn't do any of the things listed. I'm finally in a happy relationship, although I don't know what the future holds or if he's The One. (I thought my ex-husband was The One so, my mileage varies.) Interestingly, many of the things on the lists in this post are things my mother does.......

When I was separated from my ex-husband I read a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and it helped me see that the relationship was not going to be saved.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_V7L4ybGY7WW94

It may sound silly, or outdated, but my mother in law gave me a book that really helped me https://www.amazon.com/Household-hints-Editors-Readers-Digest/dp/0895776634

the thing i most remember is that life is like baloney, you don't have to take all of it at one time, just a slice at a time.

hope it helps.

I strongly, strongly recommend the book The Five Love Languages. It's very short but very helpful.

Amazon link.

I'm another in the same boat. In my case I'm double-fucked because I owe a colossal amount of student loans, which means I can't really take time off a steady job to go back to school (I tried to start my own business last year, but hated it and didn't make squat anyway). I actually have a disincentive to make more; my student loan payments are supposedly proportional to income, but it's actually relative to how far above the poverty line I am. So I had a 60% increase in on-paper pay more than double my loan payments, so that at the end of the day I barely make more than I did in my previous job.

I'm still not sure what the alternative is, although I'm actually gravitating more towards the arts now (writing, specifically) compared to when I was younger. I think it's a matter of more realistic perspectives; I care less about being wildly successful with it, but if it gives me a good way to occupy my mind while I'm doing my so-so job, that's something.

I don't know where your religious beliefs lie, but I found this book to offer some useful ideas. It's written by a Quaker, so definitely comes at it from a Quaker perspective of life, but I never felt like it was particularly preachy (but I'm also a Quaker, so obviously I may not where someone else could). There's a sample of the ebook on Amazon's site, if nothing else.

I don't know if this has been posted yet or not but this book is a good read for anyone, but especially someone feeling the way you are feeling.

This really seems like a soul searching sort of thing, the meaning of life type of question that you can only really answer for yourself. A lot of people struggle with this, those in their twentys and those in their fifties, my husband still struggles with it. The only thing I think is important to remember is that you if you don't pick something you will end up with nothing, and that is much worse, but it sounds like you know that so I will leave you with this book that seems really popular in addressing this issue http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385307888/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_8?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=A365C2XG0O7B0H

https://smile.amazon.com/Paul-Harveys-Rest-Story-Aurandt/dp/0385127685/ref=sr_1_1?crid=SGXIAR1EX3RZ&keywords=paul+harvey+the+rest+of+the+story&qid=1555366350&s=gateway&sprefix=paul+harvey%2Caps%2C171&sr=8-1 Here is a book with a bunch of the stories in it. I have a copy of it somewhere. I loved him!

/u/sebwiers,

Like everyone else, I recommend a second opinion.

A few years ago I read a book called "How Doctors Think'. It was by an MD and a medical school professor who developed mysterious pains in his hands and who went through an ordeal to get correctly diagnosed and helped. He used his own story to illustrate how the system works and how communicating with doctors in different ways get different results.

One of the most important things the book had to say was when you get a second opinion, do NOT tell the second doctor what the first doctor said. Do not even tell them you visited anyone else.

I've also read and heard many stories of Dentist A saying X and Dentist B saying Y. No disrespect to anyone who is a dental professional but I have gotten the impression that opinions about what needs to be done can vary a lot between dentists.

If it turns out everything your dentist says is true, like someone else wrote, ask if there is a payment plan. If not, ask if the work can be spaced out over years to fit your insurance or if it all has to be done ASAP. Also, a different dentist may have a payment plan where yours does not.

As someone else mentioned it is possible to get cheaper dental work at dental schools.

It is also possible to do "dental tourism" and get cheaper dental work in foreign countries.

I haven't done either, so do you own research and use your own judgment.

Thanks for making me inadvertently feeling better. Due to a bad experience I've avoided dentists for a chunk of my early adult life. A few years ago I got up the balls to go see one. I escaped only needing a modest amount of work. However at my last visit I needed more. It was painful, humiliating, and expensive.

What you wrote showed me it could be much worse so I feel grateful for my circumstances.

Thank you.

Could it be The Princess and the Dragon from 1982 by Audrey Wood? I couldn't find the illustration you mentioned, but the summary of the book describes a dragon who behaves like a princess.

No. you got out of shape. Start an exercise program, even if it's just walking everyday. try reading younger Next year, great book for us old farts. they also have a couple of exercise books in the series.

When my boys were that age a friend recommended this book. As a Mom with 2 boys hitting puberty hard I knew they had questions but wasn't sure how to broach the subject. They were both taking extremely long showers and my water bill was killing me! I gave it to them and let them know I was available to talk about ANYTHING nothing was too weird to ask me and NOTHING would freak me out They are 21 and 18 now and we are able to talk about anything regarding girls, sex, relationships. As long as you are always open and honest with him he is gonna be fine. https://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-Down-There-Growing/dp/0802775403

There's a good book called I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was. It doesn't just address how to find a career path - it also addresses (very well) what might be keeping you stuck.

You might be interested in the book Not by the Sword, which is the story of how a Rabbi and his family befriended a KKK diehard who had, up until then, lived a life dedicated towards spreading hatred.

It's a worthy read for a variety of reasons, but I think its most salient point is that changing the world for the better starts on a personal level, and grows from there. Trying to skip ahead to the change part, without appreciating what you can do as an individual, results in the burnout that you aptly describe in your post.

Things change both more slowly and more rapidly than you think. Some aspect of society that appears to be an immutable evil for decades can evaporate seemingly overnight, once a critical mass behind the scenes has grown.

We can't all be the trigger that starts the ultimate change, but we can do our part to build the base that allows it to happen.

//

[edit] to more directly answer your question, a large part of growing up is realizing you don't know everything, and that what you 'feel' is right could easily be wrong, even though your intent is good.

Teens/early 20's folks lecturing about how they perceive society should be is nothing new. And sometimes (and only sometimes) the ideas are good, and they spread as that generation matures. But far more often, it is akin to being lectured by a virgin on how to sex- the adolescent possesses a near-adult brain, but lacks the experience to understand the context of why the world is the way it is, so they are blind to the critical flaws in their reasoning.

You are at the age where you're starting to see the flaws of your original approach, so you despair, and swing towards cynicism.

This is a normal reaction.

As time passes, you will likely find your cynicism moderated by the same effect, as you gain enough life experience to see when things actually do change for the better, too. And you'll start to understand that while you may not have the power you had aspired to in your youth, you are far from powerless.

Being conscious of my feelings and aware of where I am emotionally. Having this awareness allows you to essentially act before being dragged into reacting, if that makes sense. I can choose to step away from this situation and calm down now, or I can wait until my anger is to the point that I am merely reacting. Just avoiding being angry isn't the solution. Anger is a valid and important emotion, it's how you handle the anger that's important.

You should check out a book by Daniel Goleman called Emotional Intelligence. Part 2 has an entire chapter (Passion's Slaves) dedicated to anger and rage that is very insightful. You can read a little bit of the chapter in the Amazon preview.

It means that generational archetypes repeat every fourth generation, not every other generation. It's why we often get along with our grandparents... they're usually the same archetype as us ;)


Looking at the past 8 generations

--

Missionary Generation (Archetype: Prophet/Aggressive)

Lost Generation (Archetype: Nomad/Neglected)

GI/Greatest Generation (Archetype: Hero/Indulged)

Silent Generation (Archetype: Artist/Sensitive)


--

Baby Boomers (Archetype: Prophet/Aggressive)

Generation X (Archetype: Nomad/Neglected)

Millenials (Archetype: Hero/Indulged)

Meme Generation (Archetype: Artist/Sensitive)

--

Generation PleaseSaveUsOhGod (Archetype: Prophet/Aggressive)


....


In general, the overprotected and moralistic Prophet generation raises the indulged and idealistic Hero generation; and then the empowered Hero generation raises the firebrands that will comprise the new Prophet generation. Alternatively, the neglected but resourceful Nomad generation raises the Artist generation, and then the Artist generation then births and raises the next Nomad generation at a time of greater emphasis on individual autonomy and less insistence on protecting children (most recently, the 60s, the 70s, and the early 80s).

Gen X, like other Nomad generations, are underprotected as children, which makes them very resourceful and efficient adults, though it does scar them. They are neglected by culture, as well, precisely for the reason that the prima-donna generations of the Prophet and the Hero border it. Where the Hero/Greatest/Millenial generations can do no wrong, the Nomad/Lost/Xers can do no right.

This large-scale pattern repeats as you go back in time, all the way back to the War of the Roses, in fact. Whenever the Prophet/Aggressive/Moralistic generation becomes the elders of the society, the western world has experienced a profound crisis, after which the civic order is born anew. This is happening now; but it also happened 80 years ago during WWII, then ~80 years before that in the Civil War, then ~80 years before that in the Revolutionary war. In fact, this tight periodicity keeps going back, again, to the War of the Roses. You can check it all out in the excellent book (written in 1996, economic boom times in America, yet that predicted the Great Recession as well as the deranged state of the civic order and political discourse today), called The Fourth Turning.