(Part 3) Top products from r/bdsm

^Thank ^you ^for ^the ^introduction, ^my ^lovely ^lady! ^<3

> And so it (hopefully) begins.

I'd say it has begun.

> At first I said to myself that it was simply something that porn had done to me, somehow twisted me if you will and I simply had to shake it off. Like it was an abnormality and that I simply needed to learn to appreciate and enjoy vanilla sex.

I've been there - well, not exactly there, but I understand about the escalation that comes with the vicious cycle of porn, masturbation, and orgasm addiction. However, as I recently attempted to explain to some poor young man on that crazy no-fap board, our sexual tastes and appetites are fluid, and it is perfectly possible to develop or realize a fetish through exposure to it. What may not be so possible is to stop having that fetish - it may be better to simply accept it, and attempt to engage in it safely, consensually, and so on.

Thankfully, you don't seem to have a problem currently with worrying about whether or not your fetishes are bad and if you should get rid of them or avoid them. Great! If you do develop such a thing, check back with us in /r/BDSMcommunity which is our main discussion subreddit. We'll do our best to reassure you (or tell you to seek help, if that's what seems necessary, of course).

Often, I recommend recently vanilla guys to read through BDSM for Nice Guys, especially if it seems like they are having problems pushing boundaries (usually in relation to impact play and pain). I'm pretty sure you also don't have that problem, so you probably could still get a few things from skimming it, though.

> Any games or stuff I can make her do?

Well, there are millions of different games and scenes we can play with each other. That's part of what makes BDSM so interesting - it is so very broad. The same people who wrote that BDSM for Nice Guys article have a nice selection of BDSM scenarios which should give you lots of ideas. You should definitely read that.

> Now the most important thing in that I saw in all of the posts I´ve read so far is communication. After the spilling of the beans by me we have done a lot of talking and she really wants to try this with me and explore further which is something that took me almost completely by surprise. She is now going on non-stop about ropes and cuffs and when I am going to buy them and what am I going to do and so on so forth. Which is fucking awesome. However I really want to do this properly and give her an epic experience.

This is great! As you already know we're all about communication, communication, communication, and when you're done with that, STILL MORE COMMUNICATION.

If you haven't already, you should spend some time going through mojo upgrade, a BDSM checklist, and/or exploring the human sex map together with google/urban dictionary for things you don't know about.

With my kitten the thing that worked best for her was us going through my human sex map, then exploring a blank one together answering all her questions, and finally with her synthesizing her own list. Very soon, we're most likely going to do it again, because as I said, these things are somewhat fluid and now that she is a bit more experienced, things may have changed. So keep that in mind for the future!

Basically, you need to figure out which kinds of activities interest and excite your partner (clearly she is interested in bondage with both ropes and handcuffs), which kinds of activities your partner is disinterested in (so far nothing mentioned), and which kinds of activities your partner absolutely does not want any part in (also unmentioned). You should also figure out these same things for yourself! The last bit is just as important as figuring out what she wants for your success as a happy couple where both parties needs are being met.

After you have a good overview of her likes, your likes, her dislikes, your dislikes, her limits, and your limits and have coupled this knowledge with some of those BDSM scenarios and such, you should be able to start planning scenes and sessions that meet everyone's needs, are fun, and most importantly safe. When planning scenes, it is best to share them with your partner, so they can have input and you can make any changes necessary to ensure it is a fun scene for you both.

> How for example would be best to do the first sessions, no toys/other stuff vs. lots of stuff?

The first few sessions you definitely want to try to focus on one thing at a time, for each new thing. So, for example, your first session may involve bondage. Here you'd try out some rope and some handcuffs and see how she felt, how confident you were in your technique, and so on and so forth. Next session might be impact play. The next one sensation play, and so on and so forth. After you have have some confidence and experience with a couple different techniques, then you should look to move them into a session together.

Go slow, because you can always add in more later, but it's hard to "take it back" once you have gone too far.

> She wants a collar to but I want to make her earn it, any tips on that?

Determine for yourself what condition it is for her to have earned it, and it's okay if that condition is simply a feeling or even something like, "three successful BDSM scenes" and now you're serious! Just be clear to talk to her about whether this is a play collar, permanent collar, or something more. I'm assuming from reading that it's planned to be a play collar, but it will be hers (thus why she must earn it). That's just great.

> And pretty much any noob friendly advice you have would be very very much appreciated.

For the love of god, choking and breathplay are edgeplay meaning they are highly dangerous. Make sure to do serious research and look at it as a serious action when/if you move onto engaging in breathplay (or any other form of edgeplay).

Also, BDSM is very broad and personal. The way you and your partner will do BSDM is different than the way me and my partner do BDSM and would be different from the way we'd all do BDSM if magically we swapped partners. There is no wrong way to do BDSM except for the way that is disregarding of consent or safety. You do not have to do anything that you don't want to do - punching and hard face slapping are limits of mine I won't pass with anyone, even the most hardcore masochist. Nothing is "normal" or "expected" except that we expect you and your partner are having lots of safe, kinky fun together!

Finally, I'll paste a few of my basic bondage stuff to get you started with the rope work.

Where to start with rope

You should get some 6mm - 8mm (which is equivalent to 1/4" and 3/8" respectively) diameter rope in either cotton, nylon, or hemp (jute is similar but more expensive). Cotton is the cheapest and easiest to get a hold of. You will want 15 feet to 30 feet lengths. Most people find shorter lengths are too short to do much with, and longer lengths are far too long to work with effectively. Besides, you can always join ropes together to extend them should you fall short.

You should get a rescue hook, safety shears, knife, or something else to be able to cut through ropes in an emergency. It's a good idea to test that it actually works too. You should also learn about anatomy and find where major nerves, blood vessels, and other fragile areas are which you should avoid wrapping or tightening on. Finally, you should practice on yourself and inanimate objects before you go tying anyone else up!

Bondage Basics

Please check out our bondage basics article in /r/BDSMfaq. It is very informative and will say much of what I say here.

Depending on what you are looking to get into, I would highly recommend the following books, in no particular order:

• Two Knotty Boys: Showing You the Ropes
  
• Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes
  
• Bondage for Sex
  
• Shibari you can use
  
• Complete Shibari Volumes I and II
  
  For websites, you should most definitely check out Twisted Monk's video tutorials and the Two Knotty Boy's downloads. Rope specific subreddits include /r/shibari and /r/kinbaku.
  
  For general knot-tying information, I like animated knots by grog, and of course your favorite search engine. Learning the basic terms can help you a lot, and if you really get interested in knots and rigging in general there's always /r/knots and sailing related stuff.

First off, I think you need to be direct and open about what you're looking for. What that looks like for you will depend on what's available in your area, but I'd recommend checking out Fetlife.com and seeing if there are any Groups for your area where people are posting about Munches. Munches are laid back hangouts in a public place where people meet to talk about kink and BDSM. Even if it's not for you, you'll meet people who might be able to tell you about other options.

Another option is online dating, for example OKCupid.com, where you should definitely go through and answer all the compatibility questions. Any questions around dominance-submission you should make it a Mandatory Match question so that only people who answered the way you want them to on that question will show up as your matches.

Finally, if you're looking for reading material far beyond something like 50 Shades of Grey then I recommend Slavecraft by A Grateful Slave - it might not be exactly what you're looking for, but the way that this person discusses slavery (or submission, in your case) is very empowering. Some of the concepts include things like "taking care of the property" (making sure you are healthy and well cared for before caring for others) and understanding that you get joy from other people's joy, and that that's okay. You seem able to bring some thought and analysis to this, so I think you might find value in this book even if it's not exactly what you're looking for.

Hopefully she'll be able to check it out soon, it really is a great site. Getting in with like-minded people will help a lot, I think.

I'm not sure about it being any easier for doms, just different. You know how you want to be pleased and served but still have teach, and correct if she doesn't pick it up right away, and a lot of times doms don't necessarily know how. Granted, it is different for everyone - my Master is usually pretty gentle on me, but He'll put down the hammer if He has to, particularly because I should know better. BUT, He had to learn that that was what it took to get me to listen sometimes ( :p ) But to some it comes naturally, sounds like it did with you but you're just not sure how to proceed with her specifically.

In the end, she has to learn somehow, and its not worth getting frustrated at her just yet. My advice is have her get in with fetlife when she's got time, talk to her friend, and either get her a couple of books or take her to see someone else scene. This book is one of my personal favorites. And remember, even though you are the dom, its not just about you - there's got to be a little give and take for her to be happy too. You may have to give in and lead her around a little even though it's against your instincts. Hopefully the other methods will be enough for her to learn but she still has to learn your needs from you. :)

You have your work cut out for you. Here is my advice:

• Sit your husband down and have another talk (I know this hasn't gotten you what you wanted in the past, but I have some tips here) Sit him down and explain that 1. This NEEDS to change for you. and that 2. This NEEDS to change NOW. Tell him how much you love him, how committed you are to him, how you desperately want this to work out, but that he NEEDS to get on board with this for your mental, emotional and spiritual health.
  
  Hopefully he will be on board, it actually sounds like he was open to the idea, but he probably has no clue where to start or what to do and is afraid to ask. That's where step 2 comes in.
  
  
• Educate him about what you need you and what you want, be specific! (you may have done this before, but again, let's approach it a little bit differently this time). Present him with some materials. Have him read the importance of being GGG Good, Giving and Game I'd also suggest presenting him with these two books:
  A Dom's Guide To Submissive Training
  and
  The Ultimate Guide to Kink (By Tristan Taormino)
  
  Is he not much into reading? Then both of you should watch:
  
  Tristan Taormino's Rough Sex (if you're into rough sex)
  
  or
  
  Tristan Taormino's kinky sex for couple
  
  
• Step 3, put it into practice! Pick a date in the near future, go shopping for a paddle or some rope, either online or if you have a quality sex shop near you, go there. Ideally, if you have the time and money, go out that night maybe a weekend get-away with the plan for a romantic dinner, followed by some kinky role-play with the new toys.
  
  TLDR: Tell him you need this, show him exactly what you need. Give him the tools (mental, emotional, physical) to give you what you need. Set the date, and follow through.

Don't use rope if you are just starting out. If you insist on using rope make sure to have a sharp pair of trauma shears to cut her out if things get to deep and you can't get the knots out. I would suggest you use old ties or go buy some straps from your local fetish shop. Depending on what you plan to get into besides the bondage (spanking, sensation play, pets) setting safe words and talking though things is a must. Besides it is amazing how turned on it will make both of you. For it to work it has to make you both happy.
Talking through with her will let you know more of what she is interested in, willing to try, and not willing to try. That way it keeps everything moving in the right direction for both of you. Consensual and safe is the key. Once a safe word or signal is used everything has to stop immediately and should end the scene. Take her out of the room and talk things through. Then if you want to move forward with something else you can start fresh. There are some decent books I would suggest you both read. There are also some great blogs depending on what you are looking for.
https://www.amazon.com/Different-Loving-Sexual-Dominance-Submission/dp/0679769560

have you both read The 5 Love Languages?

there's nothing wrong with you each having different love languages. talk about what works best for each of you and your relationship will be far stronger and you'll both be happier.

It looks like you were using bondage tape. I'm a big fan of vet wrap as a replacement if you can find it. It comes in a wide variety of colours, is often way cheaper, is breathable so it's more comfortable to have on for a longer time, has some stretch to it so you can get more of a restricting feeling out of it, and it has the exact same property of only sticking to itself very well. The only thing bondage tape does better in my opinion is being shiny if you're into the latex look.

Leather riding crop, 1.5" tip. Makes a real nice slap & good for softer or more aggressive play

Quality Real Leather Hand Made Braided 21 Inches Long Riding Crop/whip. https://www.amazon.com/dp/6042739026/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_.5PAybEMKZNYM

I don't know if this is what you are looking for but this is pretty high up on my wishlist at the moment. It's meant for spa use so it doesn't look like much but it essentially means you can open your eyes whilst wearing the blindfold and still won't be able to see anything - great if you're not into the idea of blackout lenses but want an added feeling of vulnerability.

While I personally think this trilogy is better after some time and experience, it is one of the best works in my opinion I have come across for the master side of things. I find this to be a tremendous workbook for “s” types.

I'm clueless with LDR but you may wanna check this out:
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Circuits-Polyamory-Dynamic/dp/0982879415

Instrumental book for combining poly and power exchange. Good luck!

The duchy page is pretty good.
I just got Bondage for Every Body which has some nice descriptions and pictures of nerves and blood vessels.

I was thinking of something like the handcuff knot to start. That or a single column start with the bight. That's basically a noose until you get the under line in there though. Don't use a hangman's noose or similar. They tighten as they're pulled on. You want to struggle without ripping up your wrists when you're getting caught.

In fact some leather wrist and ankle bands may be worth getting. Just thin ones for protection from the tie, not nice bondage ones with rings. That would decrease the risk a bit.

Wild Side Sex is great.

Laura Antoniou's Marketplace series. A hundred times better than the Anne Rice tripe.

I'll add a suggestion here, too. If you're doing anything where the rope is providing tension to a structural element, or if you're working in chains or straps or something you can't cut, get a set of panic snaps with a swivel eye.

They let you quickly & safely disconnect your subject from the rigging so you can reach any part of the tie.

For plays have a look a the Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual. For a more "psychological", but a bit rigidistic, point of view see female Domination by Elise Sutton.

https://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Spanker-Lady-Green/dp/189015900X

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1610982037/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RG2P14VJR44W54YQSGGA&dpPl=1&dpID=41I3gZnvhtL

Open Breathable Mouth Ball and Leather Blindfold Eye Mask Black https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RZDB9MJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_uQQxDbW7NA70C

'Dark Notes' is fiction that was recommended to me.

'The Puppy Papers' is written by a woman and details her journey into becoming a submissive.

https://www.amazon.com/Puppy-Papers-Womans-Life-Journey/dp/1884760031