(Part 3) Top products from r/relationships

Female introvert here!

All right. I know you say you've already read up on the basics, but I can't help throwing in this cartoon - it's too good/simple/accurate not to. :)

Secondly: get THIS BOOK - The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D - from the library or bookstore (it's worth buying, honestly). It's largely written towards introverts, but this perspective will, if I'm not wrong, really help you step into her shoes and see it her way. PLUS there's an entire section specifically on relationship dynamics between different introvert/extrovert pairings.

A few more notes:

This girl sounds really good for you, honestly. If you've never felt this intense about love before, just know that the intensity might not last, but the depth of feelings can stick around. You sound pretty twitterpated, buddy - and that's a good thing! - but don't expect it to stay exactly like this. I like that you're actively working to make the relationship even better than it currently is, that's a great skill. :)

Your worries that you were more into her than vice-versa? Totally normal, yet often incorrect, fears in this kind of dynamic. As you may know, we introverts do a lot more thinking and less talking... we might work and play around with a sentence for hours so we can say it just right. As for her direct comments, that's an awesome sign - she is absolutely picking up on your signals and I'll bet she's putting premeditated thought into those things she says with the intent of easing your mind and being two-directional with the communication.

Written communication, like that note? Bingo. Most introverts LOVE written communication especially for serious or more confrontational issues. It's often more difficult for us to talk about these things in person where on-the-spot responses are needed - we don't get enough time to mull things over and figure out how best to say what we really want to say. So if you want her thoughts on a serious topic or she seems less-than completely comfortable and natural about discussing something you've brought up, write her a note (email is great) telling her you'd love to have a written conversation about it and to take as long as she needs replying. Reply back, etc. Once you've "broken the ice" discussing a topic in this way, she may feel more comfortable discussing it in person and the convo can transition smoothly and comfortably to real-time discussion.

Best of luck, you seem like a great guy. :)

>try to understand me before you jump up on the bench with your white wig and your gavel.

I read some of your other comments before first responding to you. You're in your thirties, and oh so experienced. Except that you think you know more than you really do. Experience with only certain types of relationships, and second-hand at that, does not make you an expert on all things emotional or human. At least have the humility to accept that you don't know all there is to know about people before handing down your "wisdom".

>but it's another thing entirely for a guy to string a girl along for months or even years on end because she thinks that one day he's going to magically realize how good she is to him and he's going to devote himself entirely to her.

Which is exactly what I was referring to by reading things onto the OP's situation that were in no way hinted at or supported by her post. She seems to maybe still carry some of your assumptions, since she was initially hurt by his not wanting to be in a relationship, but has since realized that a relationship wasn't what she wanted either. Where's the stringing along? Where's the abuse you so readily assume must be there?

>I've personally watched friends of mine, both male and female, get sucked into these situations where one person thinks there's an emotional connection that is eventually going to come to fruition, while the other person laughs at the very idea of ever taking the relationship further than the bedroom.

Yes, of course this happens. But it doesn't always happen, it's neither the norm nor the majority of cases. There's nothing here to indicate that this is one of these situations...well, nothing except your obvious prejudices and preconceptions.

>Human beings, particularly women, are not biologically/emotionally structured to bounce freely from one sexual partner to the next without forming any emotional attachments.

Support that statement or stop making it. Or rather, clear up what you mean by "emotional attachments". As someone who's had a significant number of happy, consensual sexual friendships in his life, I freely admit that these friendships were deeper and meant more to us than most non-sexual friendships did. But caring about and for a person doesn't mean you want to form a long-term monogamous bond with them, and your assumption that feelings (particularly female feelings apparently) automatically require a traditional monogamous relationship to be healthy and not wounding is simply wrong. You go on and on about your experience, yet I doubt that yours holds a candle to mine. So sure, sexual relationships will always mean more than non-sexual relationships, because of the intimacy and trust required for consensual sex. But that meaning does not need to be expressed in the narrow forms you set out for it, and there need be no using of one party by another simply because they chose a different arrangement than you would.

>it's impossible to argue that there aren't elements of our physiology that encourage us to fall in love with someone and reproduce

I would recommend you read Sex at Dawn before you peddle unfounded "evolutionary" psychology as if it were at all valid. Yes, that hoary old chestnut has been repeated endlessly for generations, but it doesn't make it any more true. Romantic love, especially of the Taylor Swift variety (which seems to be what you're holding up as the natural state of human romantic relationships) is a relatively recent invention, not more than a couple hundred years old. At our deepest, most fundamental and instinctive level, we're wired to share several partners and form deep attachments with all of them, to share resources and child-rearing responsibilities amongst a small group of equal adults. We may not do things this way anymore, and deep-seated social mores and phobias (casually reinforced by people like you) may make these arrangements problematic for most people today, but that is what the elements of our physiology encourage us to do.

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

I wish there were some easy words of encouragement to your situation, I really do. But failing that, I want to to put out to you a few things. I'm sorry this is so long, it's hard for me to be concise about this.

For some context:

You sound exactly like me a year ago, when when my ex and I were breaking up.

He was incredibly similar to yours, unable to apologise, accept any blame, and turning to alcohol to get away from our/his problems. Seeing me upset would make him angry, not sad or caring or protective or worried as one would expect from someone I've trusted my whole heart to. Disagreements constantly turned into arguments, because he always had to be right and was not at all open to hearing my side.

I cried nearly every night for months and I'm shocked neighbours never called the police, hearing our screaming matches and my cries for his attention and love. I have literally sat on my bathroom floor for hours, wailing at him to come hug me and tell me he loves me with the door open, while he sat 5 feet away at the desk playing a video game.

I've had nervous breakdowns, I've had exams that I did not sleep for 2 days before because we were up arguing all night. I've been called every name in the book, given the silent treatment and cold shoulder, and told to fuck off.

I've shared a tiny studio apartment with a man who could barely look at me. I finished an entire degree unable to talk to my partner about my thesis, because we would get into a huge argument about the basic definition of my field before we ever even got more specific (I studied it for years and yet could never convince him that my definition was more accurate than his).

I have threatened suicide to get his attention and drained my entire energy supply to try to make a chronically depressed, stubborn man happy. I thought I was "too difficult", that I was "irrationally emotional", that I wasn't doing enough of something or too much of another.

I tried desperately to be what he wanted me to be, but some sacrifices just became too big (for me, among a few other factors, the breaking point was when he asked me to give up my dream career opportunity to support him through an educational plan that he was making absolutely zero steps towards accomplishing).

Eventually, I had to admit what you just did - that he never really loved me. I'm not sure he knows what healthy love is supposed to look like, although I'm not even sure I do at this point. It was just endless circles of me needing the validation of his love and him withdrawing it further and further.

And yet, it's hard to break that cycle, because that had always been the relationship dynamic. I spent years trying to fit into the box he outlined for me and by the end, I was bursting through at every edge fighting my own mind and body on trying to become myself so that I could be what he wanted me to be instead.


This is what you need to remember when it gets difficult:

It was never on you to try to fix things, to bend to his every whim. That's what you tried to do, because you want to support him and be a good partner. Even in your email to him, you end by saying what you want for him, not what you want for yourself.

It's going to be a long and difficult road after this until you realise you don't owe him anything. You will probably get very angry with him once the sadness subsides. Then you might get angry at yourself when it hits you just how awfully he treated you. But the anger will subside too and what you'll have left is a whole lot of things you learned about yourself.

You mention feeling like you're losing yourself in this - you are, and living that way barely constitutes as a life. Eventually, you will discover who you were, are, and will be beyond this relationship that's defined you for too long.


Thoughts that help pull you through:

Reminding yourself that you two were meant to be equal partners, adults in a relationship. He was meant to meet you in the middle, not stay in his corner while you constantly tried to reach as far across to his side as you could to make up for his lack of movement.

He failed you and your relationship, because he is not a person who can have a healthy relationship. This is not something anyone but he can fix and even that will require therapy and time and effort that he may never be willing to put in. That is his problem and loss. It is not on you.

Also, keep talking to your friend. She sounds amazing and I never would have made it without mine to support me. Hopefully she can remind you to forget thoughts like
>I wish I could help him. I want him to see that he doesn't have to be alone & that he can be happy with someone.
whenever they start creeping back.

They are not the thoughts of healthy good wishes for an ex, they're the thoughts of someone too emotionally beaten and exhausted to put herself first.

You are also NOT "irrational" or "crazy" or "too emotional". Any of those phrases are just brushing your feelings aside and implying that his thoughts and views are superior to yours. That was a really difficult one for me to grasp and I hope you're able to come to understand that you are not irrational. Just because you disagree with him or he hurts you and he doesn't see why it hurts doesn't make you irrational, it just makes him unable to empathise or consider your view as equal to his.



Much of what he is doing (esp re: arguing instead of discussing disagreements, giving you the cold shoulder to guilt you, saying vile things to try to break you) is emotional abuse. I know the term sucks to see applied to your own situation, but it is. He is an abuser. And it doesn't matter in the slightest how he got that way, there are no excuses for that.


You're doing the right thing by leaving him.

I would recommend getting your hands on the book Women Who Love Too Much as soon as possible. I only read it recently, but it has already changed my outlook on the relationship that still haunted me even though it was over long ago (and also on how I approach romantic love in general). It's just a starting point, but a very helpful one to reframe your relationship in your mind and put it into a healthy context that finally puts your experience at the centre. Incidentally and not surprisingly, it seems many children of alcoholics end up "loving too much" (the book discusses this a lot).


I know I wasn't very specific with my details in this post, but I was just trying to get across that you are not alone feeling this way, going through this, and having these conflicting experiences and emotions.


If you ever feel the need to just blurt everything out to someone completely removed from the situation, feel free to pm me. I'm happy to share my experience, help you tease out yours, talk through your options for getting away, or just listen silently.


Either way, best of luck, you're making a great decision for future you.

Very important final note: you are not admitting "defeat" by this, you are actually claiming victory here. I'm sure it's difficult to stop trying after so long of doing nothing but. But you are doing what is right for you and finally taking care of yourself first, which is a habit you will need to cultivate to recover and move on to a healthy, happy life.

> You seem to have a healthy relationship.

I think so. We are very happy together and have very few problems. Books that helped us negotiate our current relationship were: Sex At Dawn, Opening Up, and we also bought and read The Ethical Slut, but found it kind of silly. If you want to try this type of relationship, you have to sit down and talk about it. You have to figure out your own personal boundaries, set explicit rules, and trust her to follow them. Do you have a good friendship? Do you have a good sex life? Most importantly, do you trust her with your physical safety (STDs, etc) and your emotional/mental safety? These are all important basic questions that you have to set straight in your mind before you even begin to pursue the idea of an open or "monogamish" relationship.

EDIT: Also, please make sure you talk to your SO about safe sex and what that explicitly means to you. You both need to go get tested, so you know where you are starting out, health-wise. This is of PARAMOUNT importance.

As a person who battles depression and has had it take its toll on relationships I feel like I have a little bit to offer, not sure if any of it is helpful though.

A depressed person wants it all. They want their partner to be loving, supportive and compassionate to their disease. Which by all mean, they should be. However, they also want them to accept their excuses and enable their disease while not returning any of the affection. I'll be damned if I didn't turn on/pull away from the most loving people in my life because they saw my sickness and refused to accept it as me. While you should be a loving partner, you should NEVER be an enabler! It's tough love and anyone who has a close relation with a depressed person should know what I'm talking about.

I outline those points because you need to do what is best for you (and your child). If you feel your partner is truly trying to take control of her disease, then I would think you should stay and be supportive (assuming you want the relationship to continue, which I do since you are asking).

If you feel like your partner is just going through the motions or giving up, then that's when it gets harder. You'll have to make a distinction about when enough is enough and you have to look out for you and your son. Unfortunately for me, I had to lose my gf, alienate my friends and family before realizing I had to fight back.

Are you seeing a therapist or attending any sort of group counseling? I strong believe that this, while learning about the disease would really help you. You'll be able to make informed, confident choices about how to behave and maintain (or terminate) your relationship.

If you want to really understand what it is like to be depressed, how we think, how twisted our logic becomes, then I suggest reading The Noonday Demon. I cannot recommend this book strongly enough to anyone dealing with depression or a person who is depressed. If you don't do anything with my words but read the first few chapters of this book, then this post was a success.

Sorry if anything doesn't make sense, it's late :) Good luck to you and your family.

Ok...well, few points for you, take them for what they are worth

1. Your mom doted over you and loved you unconditionally when you grew up. Yes, she did not instill appropriate life lessons, did not discipline but you were loved (and loved a huge amount it seems). When you have your own children, you'll see what a struggle it is to do that sometimes.
   
   
2. Most people don't agree with their parents viewpoints. They are from a different generation and are older. They tend to be more conservative and hold very aged points of view. It doesn't make it right, but that is the long and short of it.
   
   I assume your dad wasn't around in all this?
   
   Anyway, here is a great book on the subject, it's call "Nobody's Family is Going to Change" http://www.amazon.com/Nobodys-Family-Is-Going-Change/dp/0312535775. The content is explained in the title. The only person you can really control is yourself. If your mother is driving you nuts, you just need to build some distance.
   
   My mom drives me crazy, she is forgetful, not very bright but she loves the hell out of me and I've grown to accept and love that about her. She has many faults, but I know I will always be #1 in her heart and that is something special you might want to consider about your own mother. That being said, I only visit her about once a month, as that is all I can handle myself ;D.

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. Are you seeing a therapist or counselor for your past issues? Unrelated to your relationship, being suicidal is really serious and having that turn around based on one person is a precarious position to be in. It's not just that the relationship might not last, but if for some other reason you have to be apart it puts you in a bad position. It's important to have a proper support system that doesn't hinge on one person.

About the baseless accusations of cheating, either this is really coming out of thin air(which again, it might help to talk to someone about -- therapist, friend, whatever) or your gut is telling you something. Trust is really important for long distance relationships(sounds like you're long distance since you met online and he's visiting). If you really feel that it's coming from nowhere, try stopping yourself before you make an accusation and ask yourself how you're feeling and try to handle whatever emotion is making your act out. A lot of times it can help to just walk away and think about something else. If you make a habit of analyzing why you're about to do something, it gives you time to tell your boyfriend, "Hey, I'm just not feeling so well right now. I'm going to take a break and cool off for a few minutes." Even just going outside and getting some fresh air can help if you're about to act out of just pure irrational emotion, and it gives you a few minutes to reflect on how to start a calm conversation if needed.

Also, I can see how having different first languages would create an issue with communication. If you're interested, I think this book might be relevant to you, especially if you interact with many people who have a different first language or come from a different culture. My husband and I both have English as a first language but come from different cultures and recently that booked helped us understand a little the root of some minor but frequent misunderstandings we have.

Yep, have been through this. What you're exhibiting is protest behavior. You have anxiety about things that pose a threat to your relationship. Some of these things might be normal insecurities, but others can be the tiniest, most irrational thoughts that subconsciously eat away at your confidence in yourself and your relationship.

Cutting your boyfriend down by belittling him and telling him he's making bad decisions is your attempt to not only control his behavior but to also to peck away at his self esteem. When he devalues himself, he becomes less likely to leave the relationship because he lacks the confidence that he could find someone better than you.

This all comes right back to you and your insecurities. You doubt that your value alone can keep this person around in the face of other women. You lack faith and trust in his decision-making. Blahblah meowchow end of the day, you're worried about the relationship because you're insecure.

Of course you feel anxious. Keeping your mouth shut is only making it worse. There are many things you can do that can help:

• Learn to identify protest behavior before it starts
  
• Replace protest behavior with better, more effective communication of your feelings
  
• Find the source of your insecurities (it's always from one or both of your parents)
  
• Build trust in your partner
  
• Build confidence in yourself
  
  Basically, go find a therapist. Individual counseling will help tremendously. Also, I can't recommend this book highly enough.
  
  Edit: one last thing, like the person who mentioned journaling, I found keeping a journal to be a very healthy outlet for anxiety. It's also a tool that helps organize your thoughts and gives you something upon which to reflect and grow as a person. That being said, for me it was and is still only an outlet and a tool; for real change, I needed guidance from a professional. It was, however, incredibly useful during those sessions and greatly sped up the process of healing/fixing/tweaking.

Alrighty, my personal feeling is that you are an introvert, she is an extrovert. In order to be recharge your energy you need time completely alone.

Personally I would recommend that you go out, and either rent or buy the book, The Introvert Advantage, How to thrive in an extrovert world":
http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695

The book spends a fair amount of time covering how introverts and extroverts act in relationships together. It recommends ways that the two partners work together.

She clearly doesn't understand why you have the need to be alone, and she won't accept your explanations. I have this nasty feeling that she has the impression that everyone thinks like her, and hopefully this book will help convince her that you do need more time to yourself and that it is not a negative reflection on her.

Some couples have problems because one likes to go and get drunk and flirt with members of the opposite sex. In my opinion wanting some time to your own is so much less of a big deal.

It's hard to leave when you want to help someone, to stick it out, or make it better. According to Dr. Phil (lame, I know, but for some reason it stuck with me), "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."

Read this book, it did wonders for me: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

>But then whenever Id ask for money or something for the apartment his first response was that he doesn't live here his name isn't on the lease.

Are you serious? Good god. A 31 y/o that doesn't contribute financially to anyone who supports him and lost his license because of multiple DWIs? People can make mistakes in their life --I get that-- but they need to show some remorse and have some redeeming qualities and contribute in other ways. Does he do housework and chores to make up for the lack of financial contribution? Where is his money going if he doesn't pay any rent to anyone?

You should not be putting up with this. The age difference might never have bothered you, but I assure you that no sane 31 y/o woman person would/should ever put up with this level of abusive ignorant parasitic self-centered narcissistic bullshit.

Here's your plan of action:

1. Tell your best friend/parents what's going on and that you need their help.
   
2. Book a week/few days off work.
   
3. Tell your landlord that you need the locks changed ASAP to kick out your abusive bf (LPT: Offer to cover the costs of the locksmith and repair the door. It will go a long way towards getting the landlord on your side. Those up front costs will likely save you money and headache in the long run).
   
4. Collect up his belongings and drop them at his parents' place.
   
5. Get your favourite happy movie (I personally recommend Ever After) or book (I recommend Ella Enchanted) some ice cream and a bottle of favourite alcoholic beverage.
   
6. Go to a friend's/parents' house.
   
7. Warn landlord.
   
8. Pour glass of favourite alcoholic beverage.
   
9. Text him that it is over and that his belongings are at his parents' place. Do not tell him where you are.
   
10. Block him on social media and go no contact.
    
11. Enjoy rest of movie/book and alcoholic beverage.

First thing: I'd venture to say that you guys need to learn how to have these conversations in a more productive way. You won't be able to get to the discussions about counseling (which is also a great idea) until you can have those conversations in a productive way.

Have you heard of the book "Difficult Conversations"? I'd suggest you buy two copies and both read it.

Another great one - "That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" by Deborah Tannen

My plan: Buy two copies of each. Read them together. Discuss. Try to put them into practice.

1. Difficult Conversations (DiffCon): http://amzn.com/0143118447
   
   2: "That's Not What I Meant": http://amzn.com/0062062999

Your mom is a bitch. Plain and simple. You need to set some boundaries with her and let her know that it is absolutely NOT ok to talk to you like this.

This is verbal and psychological abuse.

Unfortunately, you cannot control other people, but boundaries are for you to define what you will and will not accept from others. Define a boundary with your mother, and give her a specific consequence for crossing it.

Say directly to her: Mom, I will not listen to the hurtful things you say. If you continue to say them, I will leave the room.

Then, if she continues, leave the room, go somewhere else, and continue to do this whenever she is hurtful.

You will get some initial pushback and explosion, and she will try to drag you back in using guilt and insults. Don't be moved.

Check out this book and see what you think. Here are some excerpts from it as well.

I'm sorry that's happening to you, It's especially painful when someone you trust and love says those sort of things to you. Remember, you are a good person, and you are worthy of love and affection.

Blood On The Page Part 1


Patient Zero


Everything's Eventual


And because I couldn't post a list of books without a plug...


So Long And Thanks For All The Brains

>Tonight I plan on telling my fiancé in no uncertain terms that he is out of the party, period.

This is the wrong attitude to approach the conversation with. Your fiance has a completely different perspective on this issue and if you don't come from a place of attempting to understand her feelings around the matter, you're only going to piss her off, piss her family off, and get nowhere.

There's way too much to try and explain here, but if you've never read the book Difficult Conversations, I would HIGHLY recommend doing so before having this conversation. Hell, I'd recommend everyone read it.

How To Help Your Spouse After Your Affair

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Hey there. Please check out:

http://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse

and

http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382120517&sr=1-5&keywords=emotional+abuse

(there are PDFs of the book around, you can find a link in that sub).

Hey, I'm going through similar problem with my parents and have been reading this book - http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347

It is super helpful for me to understand all my anger, guilty and frustrations.

Good luck with your healing.

EDIT: Also, if you run away from her or try to cut her out of your life w/o getting help, it will come back and bite you. I've moved out since college and 27... After 3 unsuccessful relationships, I realize I still have the same guilt and anger about my parents.. only I've dumped them on my bfs... So don't just run away, get help and make sure you are confident enough to have a healthy relationship.

Buy this book: http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375484589&sr=8-1&keywords=fighting+for+your+marriage.

Read it. Do what it says.

Is there any possibility there is a tape in his closet with your name on it? Get the book the SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR

http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346612824&sr=1-1&keywords=sociopath+next+door

Did anyone else immediately think of [this?] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1481227041/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1373170061&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX112_SY192) The author did an AMA a while back.

Just gonna leave this here. :)

The female sexual response is characterized by a dual nature, colloquially referred to as "Alpha fucks, Beta bucks".

Read more in

Sperm Wars

The Red Queen

Get out now because it's escalating. Abusers don't change, so don't think you can help him. I know this thought is impossible to believe right now, but I've seen it - what happens when he tries to injure you or tries to kill you? You think I'm joking? Just go to a woman's shelter and listen to their stories - they will be pretty damn similar to what is going on with you now.

Please, for your sake, read this book ASAP - The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323353538&sr=8-1 When you do break up with him, be prepared to have him stalk you and other violent tactics that he isn't using right now. The Gift of Fear will give you a ton of tips on how to keep the violence from escalating.

I read through all of your comments. It was interesting to say the least.

You make excuses for yourself a lot and not even good ones. "I guess it was x [insert stress, hormones, gluten] that made me do it." is so fucking weak. Take some responsibility for your actions. Stop being a child & man up.

You need to get some insight. Thanks to your insecurities, self destructiveness, immaturity & self-absorption, you will continue to emotionally abuse people and you'll either push people away, or more horrifically, end up being with an enabler that allows you to abuse them.

Face the demons in your past. Face up to the kind of person you are being. Maybe therapy will work for you. Maybe you need to read more & gain some perspective on yourself. Maybe you need to confront your parents. I don't know what your problem is but you do. Fucking deal with it.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abusing/dp/0471454036

Maybe start here: http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Emotionally-Abusing-Others

>from day one he pushed more than I was comfortable with.
>
>If I asked him to back off he'd get angry and tell me that I just didn't know how to communicate, that he didn't know what I meant by "space" and that him not giving me what I wanted was just because I didn't know how to ask for it. Several times I would ask him to just let me initiate our conversations for a while, because I was feeling really overwhelmed. That would last about two days and then he would tell me I wasn't being fair and was just shutting him out.

This is the big red flag he was waving right off the bat that you missed. When someone agrees with a boundary you set (such as giving you space) and then pushes it, they have proven themselves to be a disrespectful person at best and a dangerous person at worst. When you confront said person about said boundary and they blame you, they've outed themselves as manipulative and shitty.

>Eventually I decided that our problems were related to our not being in an official relationship, and I felt like I was ready, so I said okay, let's be in a relationship. Nothing really got better, except now he felt like he could have more control over how often we talked.

Getting in to a relationship NEVER solves pre-relationship problems. It makes them worse. He was already controlling and manipulating you and you some how thought giving him more reason to control was going to solve that? No, that's naive.

>Is this salvageable?

Why would you want to stay with someone who disrespects you, pushes your boundaries, controls you, manipulates you, and generally treats you like crap under the disguise of love and care? Where is your self respect?

>Has anyone been in a relationship with this level of insecurity and issues and survived?

I've never been in a relationship this unhealthy before because I notice warning signs such as boundary pushing and I don't date people who do that. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker because you are in an abusive relationship and desperate to appease your emotional abuser. Next time you ignore the red flags you could find yourself beaten, severely injured, or even dead by the person you claim to love.

Okay.

You need to make some boundaries with your husband. He needs to see this is some serious business. You will leave, and you will not be coming back EVEN AFTER THE BABY IS BORN unless Ava is in therapy. And unless he makes limits for her and sticks by them.

Secondly, you. "That I cannot look past. Sorry if that makes me immature and selfish but I don't want to surround myself with that kind of negativity EVEN if it comes from a seven year old." You're kidding me, right? This child is emotionally damaged. I have had a five year old tell me he is going to bring his dad's gun to preschool and shoot everyone. That he is going to kill me with a knife. I have had kids bite and kick me. Kids will do a lot of sociopathic stuff when they get out of control. If you're really going to have this attitude of "I'm not going to surround myself with negativity" when this child obviously needs your husband and your help, then you really need to just leave. Or own up to the fact that you will be pushing her into the foster care system (if the dad chooses you) or destroying your relationship with your husband (if he chooses Ava).

Honestly, Ava's violence towards you is going to track onto your child once it is born. You have some serious work to do here. Even when you're living with your sister, you need to be over there every second night. Setting limits. Setting boundaries. Creating relationships. You and your husband both need to be reading books about defiant/explosive children.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Defiant-Child-Oppositional-Disorder/dp/0878339639

http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=pd_sim_b_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=14N4KEF3AM2E8EBCR1H7

Here is a strategy for Ava hitting your belly:

When she does it, immediately she is sent to a time out for 5 minutes. All he says is "I won't let you hit. Come to time out." It is a stool or a mat on the ground. The timer doesn't start until she is there, and it restarts every time she escapes/runs away. Every time she runs away, your husband must take her back there and restart the timer without speaking. Ever seen Supernanny? Yeah.

Also she loses a privilege - video game ban, TV ban, for 3 days.

Also, your husband needs to talk to her about violence. "When we hit people, it hurts them. When you hit [name]'s belly, it can hurt the baby."

Good luck. I sincerely wish you the best. But your attitude towards Ava is just not the one you need to help her. I understand you must feel resentful that this is happening to you, during your pregnancy. But it will also be happening to you when you have your newborn, your toddler. It must feel so unfair. But when you chose your husband, you also chose his daughter. Similar to how I cannot disown my foster siblings or ask my mother to put them back into the system when they are infuriating and hurtful, you cannot just ignore this situation and wish she would leave. How many years until Ava gets help?

Your feelings of resentment are normal and I even understand them. But kids who are emotionally troubled are going to act out even though you cook, clean and ferry them around. Regular kids are hardly ever grateful for that kind of stuff, let alone kids who are hurting badly inside. Ava can't see the nice things you do for her - not in the moment when she is in so much emotional pain that she hits you.

You need to be in therapy, right away, to work through your feelings of resentment, fear and envy, so you can be in a good place to help Ava AND your new child. How functional a parent will you be if you have all these emotions battling inside you? How safe and happy will your new child's life be if Ava doesn't get the support she needs. Because trust me, she will not "cool off" once the baby comes. It will get WORSE.

I really hope you listen and begin therapy right away, and keep going over there during your separation and implementing these things.