(Part 3) Top products from r/sex

You are welcome...thanks for taking the time to read it and respond!

To put a little context to my perspective, my wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for 15. We had a rough patch that started about 6 years ago (in hindsight; at the time we didn't really see it) and progressively got worse until things came to a head about 18 months ago. We both committed some sins during that time (no cheating), but mostly our problem was a total breakdown in communication beyond the mundane day-to-day. We started counseling just over a year ago and basically started learning communication skills from scratch. It was totally remedial at first, but totally necessary, and it's improved everything in our relationship. We went from near divorce a year ago to happier, more stable, and more secure than we've ever been today. If you're really curious, I wrote a novella about it in response to this post, but that's the gist of it.

> I've watched a lot of sitcoms in my day, so I feel like I have a good grip on 90s Couple Dispute tactics such as using neutral terms like "I feel" and not putting the pressure on her.

That was one of the big ones I had to work on. I used to say things like, "You did XXX, that was wrong (or unfair or whatever)." Basically, I put a value judgement on it, and by extension I was judging her. In response, my wife would put up her defenses.

> I don't know how to stop her from beating herself up, and whether she's right or not it broke my heart when she said that she thinks the problem is all on her side

I don't know, either. My wife does that to some extent. Some of it was due to the way I was communicating (we joke now that I used to communicate at her) and some of it is just how she's wired, I guess. Talking through our issues over the past year and realizing that there are no problems that are 100% on one of us has helped a lot. Still, I wish there were some magic words I could say that would take it away.

> ...she pretty much shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It's her way of dealing...

Try to recognize that for what it is: her defense mechanism. She feels threatened and afraid and doesn't know what to do, so she shuts down. She's not dealing with it, though, she's doing the opposite. It sucks, and it's not exactly fair to you, but it is what it is. My wife is very similar, only instead of "I don't want to talk about it" she would shut down and then tell me what she thought I wanted to hear to make the discussion go away. I'd leave it thinking we'd reached some sort of consensus, while she wouldn't be able to say what it was an hour later. That obviously didn't work out well for us ;)

The way I approach it now is to avoid setting off my wife's defenses in the first place. In the movie "Snatch", there's the scene where the two guys try to rob the bookie. The cashier is totally calm, then she pushes a button and suddenly the bulletproof barrier drops and they're walled off. That's exactly how my wife is. If her defenses get triggered, that's it, we're done. We take a break and come back to it in a few minutes if we can. Otherwise, it waits until later and I try to voice my concern from a different angle. That doesn't happen too much anymore now that I've gotten a lot better at replacing "you did" with "I feel".

> "I wish we could communicate like x" or "i want you to be able to y" or things like that. It could be harmless but I am concerned about how much I pressure her with how I want her to act.

It could be harmless, or she could be hearing, "You're worthless" when you say something like that. Never underestimate the ability of someone to hear what they think they're supposed to rather than what you're actually saying.

My wife and I have always had a decent sex life, but we've never really been able to communicate openly. I used to say something like, "I wish we could talk openly about sex." I never put it on her, but I never got anywhere either. Maybe the word "wish" turned her off because she saw herself as the bigger roadblock and she instead heard, "I wish you were different." I don't know.

Last week, though, I asked her to have a conversation. I identified the issue (We are not able to talk about sex openly), and expressed my desire to work together on it. I suggested that since our new communication framework worked so well to work through our conflicts, then maybe it would work to communicate about other uncomfortable topics and asked her to try it with me. She enthusiastically agreed to try. I made it all about us and framed it as something we would work on together and the result was progress instead of the defensiveness that always happened in the past. Maybe a similar approach could work for some of the things you would like to change?

> Unless an argument is actively happening I don't really know how to bring this stuff up.

Schedule it. Ask her to join you in a conversation at a defined point, and bring it up then. If you bring it up in an argument, you risk emotions clouding your judgement. Looking back, I don't think my wife and I have ever had a meaningful conversation born out of an argument. If you bring it up without warning, you risk blind-siding her and making her extra defensive. If you schedule it, though, you give her a chance to get over her initial nervousness and you give yourself an opportunity to gather your thoughts. She'll probably be apprehensive at the start (especially if it's a topic you've discussed before), but you still have the advantage of being able to anticipate it and trying to put her at ease from the start.

> I think I'm the jealous type and I definitely have some narcissism in me (I spend a lot of time on raisedbynarcissists), but I shouldn't be jealous of her goddamned cell phone.

I don't think that's narcissism. I think you just crave quality time, so you behave in that way towards her and feel neglected when she does not behave that way towards you.

I can't recommend the book The Five Love Languages strongly enough. The first thing my wife and I did when we were trying to turn things around was read it. I don't know that it saved our marriage, but it certainly helped us to find enough good in it that it was worth the hard work needed to save it. Every last word in that book is common fucking sense, but for some reason we needed it pointed out to us. Everyone I know who's read it feels the same way. It's a book that I honestly think everyone needs to read.

The gist is that there are five "love languages" we all use to express and feel love: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, and Quality Time. We're all wired to "speak" one or two of them as our main language. It's how we show love, and how we perceive love that is directed towards us. Couples rarely match up perfectly, though. One partner may show love (e.g. by sitting close and paying attention while the other plays a game) that the other misses entirely if she doesn't speak that language. At the same time, she doesn't show love that way, so he feels slighted and unappreciated.

I know I felt unloved before I read that book. So did my wife. Afterwards, though, I realized that she was showing me love in her ways all the time, I was just missing it. And I realized that she was missing the ways I was showing her love. Just having that understanding was huge, and it was fairly easy then to adjust our behaviors a little and speak the love language that the other understood. Where before I felt nagged about taking out the trash, now I do it automatically because I know it'll put a smile on my wife's face.

Seriously, read the book. It's a fast, simple read that you can knock out in an evening, and I'm certain you'll take at least something useful from it.

Anyway, I've probably rambled enough for now...I'm happy to keep the conversation going if you'd like to, though I probably won't respond again tonight. In any case, good luck to you!

You came to the right place. I collect and review sex toys so I can offer some suggestions. First of all, be willing to spend some money. I can find you some great deals on quality toys but understand that a good toy is not going to be $10, I bought a cheap toy as my first and it was a piece of shit and was not worth the money. Also as a general rule do not buy anything made of jelly or rubber. Both those materials are porous and will absorb bacteria from your body. This bacteria soaks into the interior of the toy and even if you clean your toy diligently it will never come out and can give you an infection. Some safe materials to buy are silicone, glass/pyrex, stainless steel, and TPR Plastic. If the toy doesn't say its made of one of these materials don't buy it.

Now for the fun part. You're going to see a lot of people on reddit suggest a rabbit style vibrator. While the rabbit style is an incredible toy it is not my recommendation for a beginner. Rabbits are hard to buy since they have to fit your anatomy really well in order to work. If they work they're amazing, but if you misjudge and it hits you in the wrong places you just wasted a lot of money. Hold off on buying a rabbit until you have more experience with toys and are more familiar with what you like.

Clitoral vibrators or bullet vibrators are really great. My two favorites are the Lelo Mia and the Lelo Siri. Both of these are amazing discrete clitoral vibrators that are as beautiful as they are functional. I own the Siri and am a huge fan. It produces deep rumbly vibrations that give me incredibly powerful full body orgasms. The shape fits nicely in the size and its small size makes it easy to use while simultaneously engaging in piv sex as well as in conjunction with a dildo. My best friend owns the Mia and she loves it equally. Both these toys are rechargeable which I would recommend in any toy. Rechargeable toys have longer battery life and won't die on you at the most inopportune moment like I've had happen with battery powered vibrators. Battery powered vibrators also tend to lose power over time and they become weak.

If you are looking for something that can be used internally or externally the Lelo Liv and the Lelo Gigi. These toys are very similar and both work great for g-spot and clitoral stimulation. The main difference is that the Liv is designed for pinpoint stimulation while the Gigi is for broad stimulation. You'll have to decide where your personal preference is since its a little different for each woman. I own the Gigi and I LOVE this toy. I like it better for clitoral stimulation personally but it does feel good inside.

If you are a person who has difficulty achieving orgasm I would suggest you try the Couture Collection Inspire. It is very similar to the Hitachi Magic Wand only its smaller, less clunky, and significantly quieter than the Hitachi. Be warned though I would only suggest one of these twos for a beginner if you have difficulty achieving orgasm. They both have enough power to saw you in half. This is great for many women. For example one of my roommates is on SSRI's for bipolar disorder and she has only had 5 orgasms in her life. I bought her the Inspire and she came within 7 minutes of use. If you can come easily though I would hold off on a toy with this kind of power until you have more experience with toys. The Lelo toys have a good deal of power and definitely do the job (unless you happen to have difficulty reaching orgasm without a toy) so I would recommend those as better toys for you to start with.

Some other resources for you to do some research on your own: www.edenfantasys.com. I love this site and for most toys they have the best prices (except for Lelo toys which are significantly cheaper on Amazon). Eden has reviews for every toy and I would check and read their reviews even if you intend to buy on Amazon. I actually just started writing reviews for Eden. I currently have one out for the Gigi you can read. My username on Eden is the same as my reddit name. Some amazing companies whose products you can look through are Fun Factory, Lelo, Je Joue, Vanity by Jopen, and the couture collection by California Exotics. If you have any questions about toys shoot me a message I'd be happy to answer any questions.

Yeah, this became quite the wall of text, it's ok to not attempt it in all one sitting, you won't hurt my feelings.

Advice:

Learning your body: start by getting a hand mirror and prop yourself up on a couple of pillows, bend and spread your knees (have you ever had a gyno exam? There's a reason women are placed in that position and it's not for their comfort, it's to help the doc examine things). Here's an ok diagram of the external anatomy, and an actual picture from the Wikipedia article for "Vulva." You'll see the external or outer labia (labia majora) with a cleft between them and probably some degree of the inner labia sticking out between the cleft. However much inner labia you have sticking out is completely fine and healthy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Spread the plumper outer labia and the inner labia (labia minora) will be there. Typically they'll be closed together, these are what you wipe between after you pee because the inner labia can hold on to the final bits of urine. And of course, you wipe front to back to avoid bringing bacteria from your anal area to your vagina or urethra. Now pulling an Inception, we're going to go another layer deeper: spread your inner labia. Try using one hand and an upside down "Spock sign" motion to spread the inner labia if you're down to one hand because you're holding the mirror in the other. Here's an example from GoneWild NSFW. I probably could've found a better picture, but I knew there'd be an example there. At the top where your two inner labia meet, is where your clitoris is. Depending on your arousal level at the time, it may be retracted under your clitoral hood. It swells and will stick out more when aroused. Some clits are smaller, some clits are larger, no matter how big or small it is, it's fine and healthy, just like your labia; and again, don't let anybody tell you something's wrong with you because your clit is bigger or smaller than some subjective measure that doesn't actually mean anything. Trace your eyes down and your urethra will be there somewhere, but you can easily miss it. If you come to a larger opening and then the texture of the skin becomes more "skin like", that's fine. The urethral opening can be really hard to find, but that's where you pee from. The larger hole is your vagina (also called the birth canal), with your labia spread, it should probably be open to a slight degree. This is where you insert things like fingers, tampons, penises, sex toys. This is also where the baby comes out of during a vaginal birth. Around the opening is where you may have a hymen to some degree (go to the youtube channel for Laci Greene and look for her hymen video for a much better explanation than I can give right now). Then down past that you get to your anus/asshole, and that's where you poop out of. You can also get sexual pleasure from there too, but let's save that for another day, shall we? So that's the quick and dirty of external female anatomy. Questions, comments, concerns?

Your urges and desires are natural, almost everyone has them to some degree. Try not to panic too much or feel too bad about them, but some days will be easier than others and some tasks/topics/etc will be harder to get through than others. But try to not beat yourself up too much about them, ok?

You've just discovered a way to make yourself feel ridiculously good, try not to get too fixated on it. You don't need to try all the things right now.

There's not really a "wrong" way to explore your body, for the most part. If you're wanting to orgasm and you're trying to by rubbing the back of your hand, I can almost guarantee that you're not going to get there that way. But if it feels good, go for it. Don't worry about what position is "normal" to masturbate in, try on your belly, back, side; left hand or right; grind on your pillow or straddle the nose of a teddy bear. Try different things, but don't get too goal fixated besides learning different things that feel good.

Sex positive: Briefly, the philosphy

Books: If you had to only restrict yourself to one thing, I'd be partial to I Love Female Orgasm, but Betty Dodson would be a close second, but I don't have her book.

I Love Female Orgasm I really like this one, it covers a lot of things, especially for first timers.

Betty Dodson

Guide to Getting It On Very extensive, covers all different things of sex, not really what you're looking for now, but just for future reference too.


InterWebs:

Scarleteen And their article "Is Masturbation ok? (Yep.)" might specifically help you out

Laci Greene Has a lot of good info and good topics. Her energy and editing style is kind of grating to me, but I get through

Sexplanations Dr. Lindsey Doe teaches and is a clinical sexologist.

/r/Sex Faq's Lot of good general information, some of the "First Time" information would be good for you too, probably.

Charlie Glickman Awesome guy

Carol Queen's recommended reading

Podcasts:

Sex is Fun podcasts Very expansive and a lot of "deviant" sexual behaviors talked about, might be more than you're looking for, but also something that might be a good reference for later. But there is a lot of talk about female pleasure and masturbation.

Sex Nerd Sandra And if you still consider yourself religious, here's Sandra's interview with Rev Bev who's got a different take on some of the religious issues. Like citing that the sin of Onan wasn't masturbation but disobeying God by pulling out (Coitus interruptus, not masturbation).

Sex with Emily a lot of information about a wide range of topics, look through it, a lot of talks about female pleasure and sex toys.

Hey friend
Thanks for sharing and your vulnerability.

Would you believe that I can actually relate to you? I can in more ways than you can imagine. I was celibate throughout my 20's because I was religious. No fapping...no porn...no sex. I love sex! But I was told bad things would happen if I had sex by religious leaders and believed them. Later I got married to a woman I wasn't attracted to for religious reasons too. It is a common theme for much of my life. 5 years ago I was going nuts. I had never had good sex and I wanted it so bad. This wasn't possible with my wife.

I stared seeing prostitutes. At first it was the best thing in the world. I could have sex with beautiful woman and I just had to give them money. But I soon realized I longed for connection more than sex. When I realized that I couldn't get that connection with a prostitute I started having ED too. Embarrassing is an understatement. I feel you there. But it was because I was wanting to connect on a heart level and I needed a relationship where I felt safe to do that. I wasn't living in my truth and was living to try to fit into what I thought everyone else wanted me to be instead of saying, "this is me! I love who I am! I may be weird and some of you may choose to ditch me because they don't get me. But those who choose to know me will find that I have a heart of gold and will be my friend for life."

Cheating on my wife with prostitutes is not a "heart of gold" act. I wanted I make that clear. But I told my wife everything and we got a divorce.

After I was free to explore I did. People had questioned my sexuality for years. I never felt gay but I thought I might as well give it a try. I tried it a few times and couldn't get into it. I now know from experience that I am straight. But if I wasn't that would have been cool too.
I think it's awesome that you are "man" enough to explore your sexuality. You should be proud of that.

I love that you spend time in meditation. 40 minutes a day is great.


I have a some specific advice for you that I think might help a lot.

There is a book called the magdalen manuscripts. It is about sacred sexuality and sex magic. It is like merging sex and meditation. I think that you are having such a hard time with sex because your guides don't want you to waste your time with shallow sex. They want you to experience the best sex possible. I can tell by your writing that you have the heart to have this kind of sex. Not everyone can do it. It takes the ability to meditate and a gentle spirit which I see in you.

Here is what I recommend and I want you to know that I am doing the same thing now.

Get the book and read it. Or even better read it with a girl you want to explore sacred sexuality with. I met the most beautiful woman the other night. We talked and really connected. She gets back from a trip on Saturday. I am going to ask her to read the book with me. We will read it to each other and then practice it together.

I would even be open to staying in contact with you and comparing notes. I am new to this too but I know that it's real and it had not yet hit the mainstream yet. Oh but trust me it will. I have ideas :)

Either way. I wish you well. You are not alone and to me you are a beautiful example of a human being trying your best to figure this life thing out. You are on your way.


Here is a link to the book
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/193103205X/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

And here's another
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591792576/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372806050&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

Actually I'd recommend against using porn as an educational tool. It's all a show and doesn't usually reflect real sex. Or use it as inspiration, but don't expect sex to be like porn.

Sorry you had such a traumatic experience on top! Ouch. If girl on top isn't feeling good, don't force it. Take break. Try something else. There's no right or wrong way. Follow the pleasure. If you're not feeling pleasure, incorporate what feels good during foreplay or masturbation into sex. Maybe that's kissing or nibbling or rubbing your clit.

Don't worry about being a dead fish. If you are enjoying the experience, your partner will enjoy you. So work on enjoyment and worry less about how you look or what you do. If your partner can't give you more detailed feedback, then try to pay attention to his vocalizations and body language more.

Do you guys do other stuff besides penetrative sex? Oral sex? Hand play? Can you bring each other to orgasm? If not, spend more time experimenting with what feels good before you even get to penetration. Remember that sex is everything, not just the penis going in the vagina. You will figure it all out! It might just take time and practice.

If you're up for buying a book, The Guide to Getting it On is pretty great, and I learned a lot from it when I became sexually active. The illustrations are great and it has a very playful, light tone that makes it fun to read. I've also heard that She Comes First is awesome.

Birth control: You have a few options here (and my suggestions are definitely not the only ones). Before your next appointment, try suggesting that you see your doctor on your own, whether that means driving yourself or just going in the exam room alone. If your parents are resistant, use the argument that you'll be in college soon enough and you need to start figuring out how to be independent, a little bit at a time (this is in no way a lie!).

You can ask your doctor for birth control/STD tests/whatever, but make sure all calls about it go to your personal cell number rather than your home phone, and if you ever have any test results done, be sure to be the one opening any mail about it. Make sure that when your pharmacist calls about refills, the number they call is yours as well.

If that seems like a lot of effort, or you can't get a minute to speak with your doctor one-on-one, go to your closest Planned Parenthood/local family planning place. Even if your insurance doesn't apply at PP, the initial visit isn't terribly expensive (mine was $50), and it's very discrete. If you have good insurance, the pill will be largely, if not entirely, covered.

Masturbation: I really like the Lelo Mia vibrator, it's quiet, tiny, and looks like mascara/lipstick. Plus you can lock it so it won't turn on accidentally if someone is going through your stuff. I'm a fellow brown girl, so I get the need for privacy, but I don't think you can go wrong with this one. The newer version is waterproof, so you can use it in the shower if that makes things easier. Also, if you're worried about shelling out for this, keep an eye on the price -- it tends to fluctuate a LOT on Amazon.

Conversation: If you or your mom are at all interested in gender politics/ feminism/ reproductive rights/ etc., that is a GREAT place to start. There is constant news about birth control, for example, that could be a really good starting point. If you're taking any sort of sex ed in school, that could also be a nice lead-in.

Underwear: I feel your pain here. The best advice I can give is the simplest: buy stuff on your own. Yes, underwear is expensive as hell if you're not getting a regular paycheck (or even if you are), but it's worth it. In keeping with the independence argument above, maybe suggest that rather than having your mom go with you shopping, you get a yearly amount of cash to spend on clothing for yourself. I had that arrangement with my parents starting late in high school, and it worked out really well.

Ass Hair: Personally I prefer trimming (scissors or a trimmer) over shaving, but I would try out both to see what works for you. From what I have heard, using Nair here is pretty unpleasant.

Hope this is helpful! A few people have mentioned Scarleteen and Planned Parenthood's websites, and I definitely recommend those for anything not covered in this thread.

The Marketplace Series by Laura Antoniou. They are bit hard core in that they are very serious - people are choosing to be sold into slavery. But there are a lot of REALLY sexy scenes and safety is always a priority. (And consensual non-consent.)

Otherwise, I tend to lean towards a lot of short story anthologies. Not every story will be a winner, but they offer a lot of variety.

• Best Bondage Erotica 2014 - any of these annual compilations would be good
  
• Serving Him: Sexy Stories of Submission
  
• Bound by Lust:Romantic Stories of Submission and Sensuality
  
• The Ultimate Guide to Kink:BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge - A bit more informative than sexy, but useful
  
  Those are just a few. I really like the authors Rachel Kramer Bussel, Cecelia Tan, and Alison Tyler so I will often just search for anthologies with which they've been involved. Also, I don't know where you're located but my local library actually offers a lot of these as digital loans. It's a great way to check out new books discreetly and without blowing your budget!
  
  Happy reading!!

> How did you realize it?

I started to realize that our sex life wasn't what it could be and wasn't working the way I wanted it to work when I started reading /r/sex and some of the relationship subreddits, as stupid as that sounds when I type it out, but it's really true.

Before then, I thought what I'd seen about relationships in movies and TV (including porn) was just made-up stuff, 100% invention, just entertainment. It seriously freaked me out for a while when I figured out that people really do that stuff and not just on TV. I'm talking about everything from mind-blowing, exotic sex to screaming, plate-throwing arguments. All of that was totally outside my experience.

I grew up in a really quiet, repressed family where I learned that I should never discuss difficult things and any kind of sexual desire is a terrible, horrible thing. Until not that long ago, I seriously felt like I was broken and evil for even wanting vanilla sex with my own wife. As for some of the kinkier stuff I wanted, I sometimes worried that I should be locked away for being such a freakish pervert. I also bought into the lie that marriage means no sex or not enough sex. Since almost everything else in our relationship is really good, I had settled into just putting up with lackluster, infrequent sex because I didn't know things could be any other way.

Reading people's actual stories on Reddit totally changed the way I thought about my sexual desires. I realized that what I like, what I want, and how often I want sex were totally legitimate and nothing to be ashamed of.

Another problem I had was that I thought sex always had to be egalitarian, always equal give-and-take, always hearts and flowers lovemaking. In day-to-day interaction I thought to make my girl happy I had to pretty much always give in to what she wanted, even about stuff as trivial as picking out a restaurant. I was trying to be Ashley when I should have been aiming for Rhett.

> [Was] it difficult to make the change?

It was difficult near the beginning, when it was a little scary to start talking about this stuff with my spouse. We'd never really talked about our sex life in any kind of detail before, and I'd never opened up so completely about what I needed and wanted, so it was new territory. And it wasn't completely smooth sailing, in part because there was an understandable level of "Why haven't you ever talked to me about this before?" from her side. The really great part has been that my girl is down for anything I've suggested; I've just been amazed. I sometimes want to kick myself for not getting this process started ages ago. If my wife were some kind of repressed prude, I wouldn't be telling this happy story today; I'm pretty sure we'd be divorced now. I'm grateful that it's worked out well for us.

> How exactly did you make the change?

I did a lot of work on myself, which I think is different from how some people posting to /r/sex think about their sex life. I realized I had to get my shit together in order for this to work, which is almost the opposite of "How do I get my partner to do [X] in bed?" I realized to keep my spouse interested in sex with me, I needed to step up and make myself more attractive and interesting, in and out of the bedroom. It's probably not a coincidence that I also lost about 25 pounds around that time, too, so I felt more confident about my body and my appearance.

I also read several books about sex and about how male/female dynamics tend to work for people. I mentioned The Way of the Superior Man elsewhere in this discussion and while it has its flaws, it was key for my understanding of how to be a man, and in furthering my realization that my tastes and needs are totally legitimate and worthy. I know that sounds hokey, but I didn't have a lot of great male role models growing up, so that book was really helpful.

I also continued to read tons of advice in /r/sex and elsewhere. I devoured sex blogs and watched hours of Dan Savage videos. We filled out this sexual inventory (.pdf warning) together and compared results. We talk a lot about sex anymore, what we'd like to try, what worked or didn't work the last time, etc. We talk about /r/sex posts I forward to my girl in email. We've kept communication open about sex and the results have been really gratifing for us both.

I'm sorry this is so long but I really wanted to give you a good answer, and not just three bullet points. I hope this is at least in the right neighborhood of what you wanted to know.

It really depends if you're looking for penetration or not - do you want something to use while you're fucking him, or something for by yourself? A lot of questions.

The best bet for a first buy is generally a bullet vibe, like this (not endorsing anything, but just the first thing that came up on Amazon). If you want something that penetrates, something like a Rabbit might be up your alley.

I noticed you linked to Lelo - they are the Apple of the vibrator world. My wife and I love these things. We have that one, and she loves it. When a friend of ours was looking for a vibe for the first time (and not expecting a very sexy Christmas gift), we got her this (Lelo Mia). Cost efficient, and since she was a little gun shy about never having had a vibe before, it's very low key but has a good kick.

Can never go wrong with Lelo.

Good luck!

As a guy who's been married for 20+ years, I can tell you that it may look like he's unhappy with you but it's more likely that he is far more unhappy with himself. This is why he distracts himself with gadgets and with fantasies of porn and phantom women who will find him magically attractive without his having to expend any effort. He has disappeared into his own navel, as it were.

I believe even the most valiant crusader for non-monogamy would tell you that opening a broken relationship will not fix it.

When we went through a rough patch a few years ago, it was mostly because I had great difficulty coming to terms with mundane stuff like work, chores, money, life. Couples therapy helped us a lot. A big aspect of our relationship that had failed was my wife had lost complete faith in my ability to hold a job. When you say you need

> attention, safety and security

that echoes what my wife needed from me and what I failed to provide. Going to couples therapy really slapped me awake, but only because we had a really great therapist who clicked with both of us. Therapists are like any professional; some are good, some are bad, and others make perfect sense and almost make the work you have to do easy. After a lot of effort, I won my wife's trust and our sex life is the best it's ever been. BUT getting our sex life back in order was something that followed getting the rest of our relationship fixed.

One book that helped me a ton was this one, which challenged me to sack up and be the man my wife needed me to be.

It most likely isn't going to get better with your wife. I know the pain of being with someone who doesn't care about your sexual needs. She is happy with the way things are so why should anything change?

It sucks because sex is probably one of your love languages so you are missing that part of love you want to share and receive from your wife.

I know you /r/deadbedrooms is depressing, but I will tell you, but it just happens to so many people. Here are a couple more links for you... but I will tell you, they are going to still be depressing:


(this link is sorted by the most popular posts)
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332?sort=popular

(this link is sorted by the most recent posts)
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332?sort=recent

So yeah, I am giving more than a couple of links... Here is one story that was on that forum but the user deleted her profile and story but I managed to save it before it completely disappeared from the internet (made it into an image because I didn't know how else to link the PDF file):

http://i.imgur.com/npRNKaV.jpg

And then there is is forum thread:

http://forums.menshealth.com/topic/63643898167189984

You should seek marital counseling with her, but I don't know if she will agree to go if she doesn't truly acknowledge there is a problem.

There is also a book about identifying your partner's love languages that you could both read and hope it helps:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396643010&sr=8-1&keywords=love+language

But reading so many other peoples' stories it is pretty obvious it is more rare that things get better...

Appreciate the thoughtful reply. I haven't read Lloyd's book - and will check it out. Thanks!

The truth is "sex drive" isn't really so simple. I read your other replies - indeed you link to some articles where this has been explored. As someone who has done some research on the topic - I'm sure you know the difficulties in scientifically exploring sex while also trying to separate it from cultural context.

What we know -

Men masturbate more frequently than women.
Men are willing to pay more for sex than women, and risk more.
source
Heterosexual men are also more likely to orgasm.
source


Women have multiple orgasms more frequently than men.
Women are more likely to be bisexual source

I'm familiar with Bergner's work. If you haven't read - it goes by pretty quick. Decent review here.
He looks at human sexuality in a different way. But even in his book - he shows that female desire for the same sexual partner goes down more quickly than a mans. So - a husband is fine having sex with his partner, while a wife's desire for the same partner goes down. Does that mean that male sex drive is higher?

I want to be clear - I'm not trying to argue that one is higher/lower or better/worse. I'm trying to say that men and women are different. Boiling a complex idea down to "men have higher sex drives than women" I do not believe is helpful to productive conversation. It also is overly simplistic.
If I were to say one thing - I would say that male sex drive is consistent, and female sex drive is cyclical. So - sometimes a human female sex drive is higher than a human male, sometimes its lower. Is it better to look at this "on average" - or better to look at it overall?

I don't expect to "convince" you that female sex drive is higher. My only hope is to potentially look at "sex" from a different vantage point.

If you happen to be a heterosexual male pursuing relationships with females - I think this vantage point can be helpful for finding new experiences as well. Just something to consider.

THIS! My fiance and I have been having a rough time matching my high libido to his very low one, so I started seducing him all the time. I went from making kind of subtle references that I was interested in sexing to just putting my hand on his junk and seeing if he was into it. That went wonderfully for the past few months, but then I was worried he wasn't wanting sex and he was just feeling obligated to do it, so I asked if he could try seducing me like he would a girl he'd just met. He did that the other night and I can't tell you how awesome the sex was.

Also, I know it sounds really shitty (I usually hate self-help books), but if your relationship is tripping up, try reading The 5 Love Languages. A friend recommended it and even though it's a bit religious-y at points, it's still an overall good book with great points.

BDSM is the last sort of sexual activity that people should just throw themselves into in order to "see what happens" without going in-depth with their partner(s) about their needs, desires, fantasies, and expectations and providing opportunities for understanding and negotiation.

As any kinkster will tell you, awesome, mind-blowing, fulfilling sex lying within the BDSM spectrum (and that kind of sex in general) is built on three things: communication, communication, and communication.

The good people over at /r/BDSMcommunity would be able to answer a lot of questions that might arise once you've discussed things openly and honestly with your girlfriend. Here are some great print resources you should look into:

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, edited by Tristan Taormino

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by William Brame, Gloria Brame, and Jon Jacobs

The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

The pegging went pretty well. It's kind of funny, my wife went through 18 years with me, being very turned off by anal. When she did finally come around just a few months back, she really didn't have much trouble, even though it doesn't really turn her on. With me, I was really turned on with the idea of getting pegged because my wife is so not kinky, and this was basically the kinkiest thing I've seen her do. So, I was ready, but insertion did not go nearly as quickly or easily as it did with her. We started with the butt plugs over the weekend. I bought this butt plug set. For both of us, the small was very easy, and didn't provide enough of a "neck" to stay in by itself. The large was too big for us to even think about using. The medium went in pretty easily in my wife, but for me it took a few minutes of easing. It wan't bad or anything. I just had to have her go super slow, and I did have to have her pause a couple times when it hurt a little. It did fuel that age long argument that men are actually wimpier than women. I like to counter with the argument that she has bigger poops!

Anyway, the plugs went well, so when we got back home, I ordered the Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit. We have Amazon Prime, so we got it in two days. Unfortunately, the day it came, my wife was super tired, so that day broke out 5 day streak. I was thinking that maybe the spell was broken, but she was able to pick back up the next day and that's when we tried it out. So, the small dildo slid right in and we quickly moved on to the medium. We did have to go a little slowly, but it was easier than the plug. It wasn't long before she was pumping away.

As for the overall experience. I'll say that it does feel good, but also can be a little uncomfortable at times. There were some moments where I had to kind of force myself to stop thinking and reprogram what I register as pleasurable... if that makes any sense. For me though, the real pleasure is in seeing my wife strapped up and taking control. She is actually very sexually reserved. I would say she is on the lower side of the libido scale, she almost never masturbates on her own (probably fewer than 5 times in the past 18 years), she doesn't like to dress sexy (even though she really has the body to do so), she doesn't get turned on by anal, and she wasn't really interested in pegging except because I wanted her to try it with me. And, she is not what anyone would label as "kinky". So to see her getting into it and telling me she wanted to see me cum as she stroked my cock at the same time was really the mind blowing part. So, as with many sexual encounters, it was probably 20% physical pleasure, 80% mental.

In the end (no pun intended) her response was that it was "actually pretty fun". Not the most enthusiastic response to a sexual experience, but not too bad either.

(This is the part where I reveal my childish nature.)

Man, that was a long one...
^^^that's ^^^what ^^^she ^^^said

Came here to say this! I'd also recommend getting a copy of The Guide To Getting It On to go with your note: "I don't care if this book disappears and I won't tell our folks. Have fun, be safe, and don't snoop anymore!"

As this reply says, it doesn't matter if he used them so long as they're made of materials you can safely clean (silicone, metal, some hard plastics) - if its quicks you out, replace them, otherwise don't dwell on it.

Good luck!

One of the techniques that is used to make sexual role play hot is to take the scene out of the "real" and "ordinary" to the fantastical. In other words, you don't enact scenes that would happen in real life but scene's that are absurdist versions of real life.

In the BDSM community, role play is quite common. More advance players often call it playing with Archetypes, in the mode of Carolyn Myss. Part of the negotiation is figuring out the range of possible actions for each player. And working within it. If you don't communicate, you won't get your needs met.

A couple of good books include Lee Harrington's guide to Age Play and Tristan Taormino's book.

SFSI Staff

LV / P

San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) provides free, confidential, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex and reproductive health. You can reach us by e-mail ([email protected]) or by phone (415-989-SFSI).

Like others’ suggestions, a butt plug is really the only thing I can think of, but I understand your concern about it shooting out. How about:

1. Use an inflatable plug such as this. You may be able to inflate it enough to keep it from popping out.
   
   
2. Use a plug that has a minimal taper from the bulb to the neck - they’re harder to push out. Something like this
   
   
3. Hold the plug in with a harness. Either buy one like this or make your own with some rope.
   
   BTW, you don’t really need to take enemas. A shallow douching will clear out the rectum enough. Use a bulb like this.

I would recommend The Guide to Getting it On. It is extremely sex positive, and also can answer almost any question you might have... and then some that you didn't even know to ask. It was required reading for a college course I took on human sexuality and I credit that course with my positive views on sex. A few sorority sisters were in the class with me, and we all said that it was one of the greatest books we were forced to buy in college.

Your girl has trauma points on several levels that should be addressed. I'm going to hit you with a library of reference material. Self-help books are not a replacement for therapy! That said, knowledge is power, and these are excellent resources.

1. Family of origin issues: this is where shit begins. We learn our self-worth (or lack of it) here. Toxic Parents (Susan Forward) will give you, and her, the concepts and vocabulary to begin to understand and process the effects of a fucked up family and how to deal with it.
   
   
2. Self-esteem issues: Stemming from above. Almost certainly what's behind the 'long, abusive relationship' with some guy who ended up cheating on her. People who stay in abusive relationships (physical, emotional or a cocktail of both) do so as a direct result of issues with self-esteem. Ten Days to Self-Esteem (David Burns) and The Self-Esteem Workbook (Glenn Schiraldi) both give background and practical exercises to help understand the concepts and make progress toward repair. You should both work through this!
   
   
3. Post-Traumatic Stress Issues: Like I said above, you've both been through trauma here. CLEARLY, her trauma is on a completely different level from yours, but you're exhibiting signs of a variation of PTSD yourself. Many people (myself included up until a couple of weeks ago, actually) think PTSD is reserved for war veterans. Not so much. The bible of PTSD is The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook (also Glenn Schiraldi). Buy this book. You can buy a Kindle edition and read it on your computer with a Kindle app if you want it right now and can't find it in a bookstore locally.
   
   
4. Anxiety Issues: I'm betting she has them. Even if she by some miracle doesn't, you clearly do. For your back pocket -- Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook (David Burns). Excellent Cognitive Behaviour Therapy manuals - you feel what you think, and CBT is brilliant for helping you understand and adjust faulty thought patterns.
   
   You need to be able to talk with her about this. Your relationship depends on it. In order for that to happen, she needs to feel safe talking to you about it. You should be able to express to her that you are upset by what happened to her, but no upset with her. You need to be very, very clear in your mind that that is true before you can be expected to convince her that that is true. Help her to understand that terrible things have happened to her - not just the rape, but all that shit going back to her abusive family of origin - that those things are not OK (that may sound ridiculously obvious, but someone that has grown up in that kind of toxic environment needs to hear that loud, clear and often), that they are not her fault, and that you love her and are prepared to support her when she needs you.
   
   She needs to talk to a professional. Do you have access to a women's counseling center or women's shelter where you are? If you PM me your location, I will be more than happy to help you look for resources. Given what you've explained about her background, chances are very, very good she's suppressing post-trauma reactions. Children of abusive situations learn that it's futile - maybe even counter-productive - to express physical or emotional pain. She needs to get with someone who is trained to hear below the surface and help her.
   
   Wow - I'm verbose.
   
   tl/dr: Giant, waiving red flags all over her background. Get her to a trained rape counselor, educate yourself on the probable issues, be there for her.

I am a huge anal queen so I got you. I’ve tried it all. Here’s a breakdown:

1)Medical grade silicone
-flexible
-easy to clean
-comfortable enough to wear all day depending on the shape
-use water based lube. silicone lube will make it disintegrate

2)beads
-never get string
-get more of a bumped type thing. like:
https://www.amazon.com/Topco-Climax-Silicone-Swirl-Beads/dp/B01NBJCGL1
these are my favorite.

3)Start small and ribbed
-ribs/bumps prevent the plug from falling out
-smooth plugs have a tendency to pop out and hurt more

4) Don’t forget the part that sticks out
-get it flat at the back for all day wear or with a ring for easy thrusting
-synthetic horse hair butt plugs are cute while fox hair (real or synthetic) can disintegrate on you

5) metal
-stainless steel only. no coated ones or copper or aluminum. stainless steel doesnt rust and is easy to clean
-uncomfortable for sitting or long wear
-get a medium size bc large is uncomfy and small falls out
-get it short or it will be uncomfy
-it’s cold af. i reccomend silicone lube for these

6) lube
-water based is generally the best
-a good desensitizing lube is by cleanstream. can get it on amazon. good for newbies or giant plugs

7) ridges and patterns
-hard to clean. you will get shit on them even if you enema before
-feel amazing
-dont get spikes if you want to do some serious thrusting
-might cause bleeding for some spikes or bumps

8)enema
-feels weird
-get a silicone bulb
-use lube on the tip
-fill with water and squirt in. repeat 3-5x while hanging your but over a toilet (unless youre ok with diarrhea like stuff in your shower)
-takes 1-2hrs
-clean the bulb multiple times after
https://www.amazon.com/OTBBA-Silicone-Certificate-Comfortable-Medical/dp/B01LYCAZI6

9) cleaning toys
-use johnson and johnson baby shampoo
-rinse under scalding water after
-don’t forget handles
-clean before and after use

10)don’t let someone else use toys on you unless you’ve taught them how to. They could hurt you accidentally or get too overeager

11) anal hooks
-dangerous
-use with an experienced dom/me
-stainless steel only

12)vibrating
-eh
-feels weird
-doesnt really add much for me
-always get corded with a flat end

13)glass
-big no no
-can break
-just dont
-dangerous
-seriously no

List of great toys:
https://www.amazon.com/BigBanana-Beginners-Medical-Grade-Silicone-ULTRA-DISCREET/dp/B0721PYY5M

https://www.amazon.com/Utimi-Silicone-Anal-Plug-Black/dp/B0199TL0BK

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00S4RM06S/ref=mp_s_a_1_63_s_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1520373453&sr=1-63

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01NAU4IUZ/ref=mp_s_a_1_93_s_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1520373621&sr=1-93

For experienced users, try the Master Series. But be warned. They do not f*ck around

Hope this helps!

I don't remember what brand mine is, but I bought something similar to this washable waterproof bed sheet protector at Target a while back. I squirt like crazy during good sex and this investment has made it so I don't have to sleep in a puddle anymore. I would always soak right through towels but this did the trick. I highly recommend keeping one of these near the bed to all squirters and lovers of squirters.

The advice here is all good, I just wanted to add one thing. If you're not sure you've 'got it all out', you can try something like this:
http://www.amazon.com/Cleanstream-AA505-Enema-Bulb-Blue/dp/B002SKG8GU/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1319036407&sr=8-11

Adamandeve.com sells one that has a more comfortable tip, but I've used this one before and it gets the job done. Just flush out a couple times a little while before sexy time, and you'll be clean as a whistle.

Miracle Berries

They do work. Let them dissolve on your tongue for a minute or two and try stuff. Generally sour foods will give you the most effect turning them somewhat sweet. A cup of white vinegar tastes like Apple juice. Straight lemons taste like lemonade. Though there is a distinct "artificial" sweetener taste.

Note that you probably will get sick the first time - not from the tablet, but from the ridiculous stuff you will eat and think tastes good. And be careful with alcohol. Tequila tastes good, but it doesn't mean you should drink it like juice.

If you want those kinds of things it sounds like you're wife is probably into them, and if you approach them the right way you might be able to capitalize. I'd read this book, and also be careful to not let all the sex-positive communication advocates here (which is fine as far as general advice goes) cultivate passive aggressiveness on your part, and also realize that though all the "red pill" advocates might not be shining examples of how to live life, it seems to me (and all I know about you is what your post says, so take this with as big a grain of salt as necessary) like you probably need to move in that direction. I'd also recommend figuring out whether you want to change things or find a way to feel better about the way things are now, because I'd imagine they require mutually exclusive courses of action.

I'm not sure if I'm reading your post correctly, but one of the big things that Sex at Dawn challenged is what you describe here:

> men tend to focus more on looks than women...Women tend to seek out richer men, or men with lot of accomplishments that show they can provide for them (e.g. gold diggers).

In this scenario, the female only cares about securing her and her child's safety and uses sex as a bargaining chip. This oversimplified worldview has long crippled an understanding of female sexuality.

> But it does explain some of our history, and why it seems only women do X and men do Y.

Some sociologists think the "passive monogamous female" theory is problematic because it's often used to 'explain' the inferior position of women in post-agricultural societies. It's also led rise to the stereotype that women are generally more 'emotional' and 'crave a relationship' while men are 'sex-crazed' and 'non-committal.' Both of these stereotypes are damaging, but the female one places a moral onus on being monogamous.

In fact, Sex at Dawn suggests that early human females were neither monogamous nor sexually passive. Dr Ryan offers examples of the promiscuous bonobo females, the sexually ferocious female tribeswomen who mock men who are "stingy with their genitals", and the science behind multiple female orgasms to drive this point home.

Another interesting book is What Do Women Want? Like Sex at Dawn, Bergner paints a polyamorous, sexually aggressive portrait of female sexuality.

I'm not sure if you're far enough into Sex at Dawn to have read all the examples, or even be convinced by them. But I'm sure you'll agree, modern culture plays a tremendous role in the male-female interactions you've experienced (men must approach women, women looove relationships, men are horndogs), so be wary of rewriting history to suit it. Do have an open mind when you read Sex at Dawn and What Do Women Want, since both try to get rid of that skewed understanding of men and women.

If you don't want to, then don't.

If you are only worried, start with a training kit
and take as long as you want.

As a Bonus, remember there is an old saying,
"what's good for the goose is good for the gander."
If he's not willing to do the same training, then he is
probably not that into it either.

I don't think so. It's a very different sensation, and because you can relax in your bed with it, you may find it more comfortable. Go to Amazon and get this:

http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Wand-Free-Speed-Controller/dp/B0089175GE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395035950&sr=8-1&keywords=hitachi+magic+wand

As a recent first timer... Lube lube lube lube lube lube. And go slow.

I would also personally recommend one of those glass dildos that are kind of like increasingly larger anal beads as a way to prepare her for the feeling at a good pace. This helped me get in the swing of things sooooo so so much.

Additionally, enema bulbs are under $10 on Amazon if you two are concerned with being squeaky clean. It can definitely get messy, so prepare yourself for that. I had indigestion issues a few hours prior to my first anal experience and turns out that was an awful time to do it. Condoms are also a good alternative.

Just wanted to say that Lelo vibrators are AWESOME and classy. I got this one for my gf and it completely rocks her world without looking like a big veiny rubber cock you see on porn store shelves.

http://www.amazon.com/LELO-Ina-Purple-Dual-action-Vibrator/dp/B002P5BTLC

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge This is the best book I have found on the topic.

This is a long post because it's a start-to-finish guide to anal.

DO NOT GO DIRECTLY FROM ANUS TO VAGINA. THIS CAN LEAD TO A REAL BAD INFECTION.

Poop first to help avoid a mess.

It is super important that whoever is on the receiving end (I'm assuming it's you) should be totally relaxed. I recommend start with a shower followed up with a nice full-body massage. Focus on your breathing, with deep belly breaths throughout the massage, warmup, and anal sex. Deep belly breaths will help your anal sphincter relax further.

After the massage, start with a lubed-up finger. Have him lube up his finger and push it pad-first against your anus. Have him push lightly and you bear down like you're trying to push a poop out. This may seem counter-intuitive, but really it will relax your anal sphincter and it will almost suck his finger into you. His goal is to lube up your anal passage, so have him re-lube and do it again (repeat until you're really lubed up).

Assuming he's hard now, have him lube up his dick (if you're using a condom, which you should, have him lube up the outside of the condom with plenty of lube). You want your anal passage AND his dick lubed up to totally get rid of any friction that could happen. The easiest position to receive in is either doggy style or on your side, with one leg higher towards your chest than the other. While he inserts himself you want to breathe deep belly breaths again and bear down. This is where the relaxation comes in handy, because the last thing you want to do is freak out and tighten up on him. Have him go extra slow (inch by inch) until you've warmed up. Then get him to gradually increase speed until he takes you to pound town (if that's what you want). At this point you can change positions and, since you're warmed up, he can re-insert himself much quicker and get back on the ball.

If you're having trouble taking him in after the finger stage, try a toy until you're used to taking that in, then give his dick another go.

Lube recommendations:
I recommend water-based lube, since silicon lube can be irritating and since it can dissolve condoms (then again, silicon lube is more slippery, so if you have problems with water-based you can try out a silicon lube).
-water slide this lube is the bee's knees. It's good for both anal and vaginal sex, and it's especially good for extra-sensitive folks.
-lush this lube is almost as good as water slide, but I start to itch after about an hour of use.
-Maximus if you're not sensitive then this one is the way to go for anal, because it's thick and stays wet for a long time. It's also optimal for the shower because it doesn't thin out easily.

Things to do:
-practice safe sex. Use a condom. Avoid letting sperm drip into your vagina (yes it happens).
-switch positions, change up the angle. Anal is great for hitting erogenous zones (g-spot, a-spot). Experiment with him on top, you on top, face up, face down, on your knees, standing, pronebone (laying face down), you fucking him, him fucking you, rimming (post-shower / pre-lube), etc.
-tensing up once you've warmed up. This can increase pleasure for both of you. Don't tense too hard though.
-putting a toy into your vagina while he fucks your ass to simulate some DP (or try one of these)
-poop on his dick? try an enema
-put a towel down on the bed if you're worried about a mess
-fuck in the shower (but don't let the water thin out your lube)
-solo anal play (butt plug, dildo, fingers, etc)

Things not to do:
-DO NOT GO FROM ANUS TO VAGINA. THIS CAN LEAD TO A REAL BAD INFECTION.
-not using enough lube (though, some people do enjoy not using lube)
-going too fast before you've warmed up
-unsafe sex
-freak out and tense up as he inserts himself

Edits: added lube recommendations

Perhaps you should invest in something like this?

I know I've seen something similar that's made specifically for sexy times, I just can't remember where I saw it posted.

Get a set of multiple sizes and ramp up slowly. You're going to want to start small. I know several folks who have had success with this. Whatever you buy, make sure it has a flared base because butts (gross as this sounds) tend to suck stuff up. You don't want that trip to the ER, I promise.

Small risk of a UTI. It's rare, and won't kill you if it happens. Make sure she's had a poo recently, or get an enema bulb and have her do a quick rinse just before, and there's not really any significant risk of anything at all.

Honestly it's worth going bareback as long as the occasional little bit of poo won't ruin your life. Can't have a party at shit's house without expecting shit to show up eventually, I think the saying goes.

My friend suggested these: http://amzn.com/B001LXYA5Q

I say it's more of a workaround than a solution.

This article is TL;DR of this book: What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire by Daniel Bergner

Sheet protector works great!

http://www.amazon.com/Priva-Absorbent-Washes-Waterproof-Protector/dp/B000FOA7C2/ref=sr_1_1/183-6185802-8860569?ie=UTF8&qid=1419724438&sr=8-1&keywords=bed+wetting+sheets

I am in the same situation as you where I have run into vaginal burning and even itching with various lubricants. I ended up finding a water based lubricant that is glycerine and paraben free. I have had no issues with it fortunately. It is called Sliquid H2O and I purchased it on Amazon.

I know you are hesitant to try others, but if you have not given the Sliquid brand a go yet, it might be worth a try. I have been wanting to experiment with coconut oil though as well, but I avoid it because it breaks down latex condoms. Would probably only use it if condoms were not involved or for giving an oily handjob.

My understanding is that it came from the book The Five Love Languages.

These books will change your lives. They're short and easy to read. They get kinda new agey, but if you can get past that theres alot of truth.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=enlightened+sex+manual

I have to opposite problem. I'll go down on her all day long, I find it fun :) but I get nothing :(

I could understand how he might think it's gross. Some people just are not into any bodily fluids. I'm so sorry this is the case because I'm convinced this can't be "fixed". Although.... something to look at:

http://www.amazon.com/mberry-Miracle-Fruit-Tablets-10-Count/dp/B001LXYA5Q

Makes everything taste sweeter for a while ;) maybe he will be into trying that.

This is an interesting book that isn't super femnazi-ish about female desire. It's even written by a man! (Okay, now I'm being mean) http://www.amazon.com/What-Do-Women-Want-Adventures/dp/0061906085

Hitachi Magic Wand.

Doesn't break easily (as far as I know), it's very strong and it won't stop until you want it to.

You need: The Way Of The Superior Man

Enema bulb - squirt warm water up there, squirt it out. Do it a few times until the water is coming out clear. Afterwards wait 30 minutes so that any residual water up there has time to be absorbed. I usually take a shower during that period and soap up down there.

This was a big changer for me and helped get erections back. I masturbated dry for years and it slowly took a toll on me. Once I started on this, then later moved to this and now finally currently using Sassy; I don't ever masturbate dry anymore. I recommend all three, and later this month going to try H20

I think it depends on the person.

If you look around on Amazon, there are some but plug sets that do both (in other words, have very thick bases, e.g. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003156GFE/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1). Be aware they may not stay in as easily.

The Lelo Mia, and a couple pairs of sexy panties.

Miracle Fruit!
Changes your sense of taste so that bitter and sour things taste sweet. Effect lasts for up to 2 hours.

Sex is not a necessity for a happy life. In my opinion, it's like any other pleasureful behavior - if you're doing it for the wrong reasons (to distract yourself from other problems in your life), it won't make you happy. You seem to have some other problems that make you want to have sex just to get it out of the way which, while not uncommon, is not going to do much to improve your mood.

Also, I think you might want to consider not labeling yourself as a virgin. You have had sex, therefore you are not a virgin, you are just a little sexually inexperienced which is fine and pretty normal for guys your age. Your friends may be getting laid every night but let me tell you: that is not the norm and I think their behavior, while on the other side of the frequency spectrum, may not be psychologically healthy either.

What I would suggest is to try to accept yourself for who you are and realize that you are a person with strengths and weaknesses and your sexual prowess (or lack thereof) does not make you any "better" or "worse" of a person. Having a lot of sex will probably make you a little happier in the short-term, but thinking that not having it will make your life horrible and full of misery is not only untrue, but will make life much more difficult for you now and in the long-run.

Also, if you can't see a therapist, I believe it would be a good idea to check out some books. I've read a few recently that have helped me with issues similar to yours. They are based on the idea of cognitive-behavioral therapy, which states that all our feelings/moods come from our thoughts and beliefs. In your case, CBT would work to fix some distorted beliefs you may have about yourself, sex, etc. Either way, here are two good ones I have found very helpful (you can find .pdfs of these if you Google search).

Intimate Connections

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

EDIT: Added hyperlinks.

It's your lube. KY has Glycerin which will burn your rectum. Get a lube that does not have glycerin.

This stuff would be a good choice: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000C5KATO/ref=oh_aui_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1

May i suggest the following. We went for this set because it offered 'upgradability' (no pun intended). They're cheap, and you can pick the one you like! We're not going near the large one, because it is SIGNIFICANTLY larger than the medium. They're also 100% silicone, and made by a pretty reputable company. Water based lube, or coconut oil (I've seen this recommended a lot, but we haven't tried it).

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B003156GFE/ref=pe_175190_21431760_3p_M3T1_ST1_dp_1

Not a problem, Thank you. Here is a Link to the wand i bought incase you are interested.

Just so you know...these are a lot more convenient. You can have them under your regular sheets so that you don't have to kill a mood or time by setting up! This is what we used.

http://www.amazon.com/Priva-Absorbent-Waterproof-Protector-52-Inch/dp/B000FOA7C2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394559088&sr=8-1&keywords=moisture+bed+pads

Like others have said, I wouldn't worry about squirting, although if you don't like squirting on the bed, I use an impermeable sheet rather than towels because don't have much risk of getting on the bed. And even more than that, I use 2 shirts one folded and placed underneath my gf and one that i have readily available to prevent squirting away from the bottom shirt. This way the impermeable sheet only acts as a back up and the shirts take up less volume in the washing machine. Also pee before and after having sex. Before reduces the amount of fluids, after reduces risk of UTI.

Here is your shopping list:

-Hitachi magic wand with vibration speed control

-Dildo attachment for wand. This is also stupid good on your prostate.

The few times I've had anal I just ate light through the day. Definitely nothing that I know would give me gas. Then I use a reusable anal douche about 2 hours or so prior. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B002SKG8GU/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1374116721&sr=8-1&pi=SL75 here's what I use.

Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

My wife absolutely needs her anti-depressants, no doubt. I, on the other hand, just needed this book. Needed to read it, that is. I felt better by the time I finished the first chapter, and in less than nine months I was off of anti-depressants.

The book was recommended to me by my therapist. He has met Dr. Burns a couple of times. Actually, the book is so effective it's been in print for over twenty years, and is probably available at the local library.

Just wanted to add onto what the other person said. Even without the addition of condoms, lots of girls don't get wet enough to have sex comfortably, no matter how aroused they are.

I wouldn't trust her to be the more sexually educated person in your relationship. I mean, only one of you had the foresight to decide going condomless without any birth control was a bad idea, and it wasn't her.

Also, this is a bit of a tangent, but if she doesn't have much experience with lube and doesn't know whether certain ingredients might irritate her, I'd recommend starting with something hypoallergenic like this.

Try this:

https://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-BDSM-Erotic/dp/157344779X

There's also r/bdsmcommunity

The Guide to Getting It On has a section on "Sex when you're horny and disabled." You can view some of the pages in the amazon preview

Possibility I saw on reddit: miracle fruit tablets

Ina Vegan - $100 | Amazon - $75

Iris Vegan - $80 | Amazon - $70

Gigi Vegan - $62 | Amazon - $53

Bo Vegan - $47 | Amazon - $32

I would put my money on this one being the real deal: http://amzn.com/B0089175GE

https://www.amazon.com/Magic-Wand-Massager-Essentials-Controller/dp/B0089175GE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497387385&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=hitachi+magic+wand&psc=1

Put it up against your pussy, it has a few settings, speeds. It will make you cum ∞

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01LYCAZI6/ref=sspa_mw_detail_5?psc=1

At least an hour before. And they have the disposable ones too if you’d prefer going that route.

I have the LELO Ina, and I love the hell out of it! Sadly no pink

http://www.amazon.com/LELO-Ina-Purple-Dual-action-Vibrator/dp/B002P5BTLC/ref=sr_1_11?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1341811281&sr=1-11

I recommend you check out Feeling Good by David Burns. Several of your statements above ("contemplating just chopping my dick off since it doesn't get used", "I am also a complete loser who works in fast food at 23, has no vehicle, and no family", even the title) seem extreme and like you might take well to the cognitive methodology, which could also help with your shyness and depression.

You say you realise this is the path to resentment and anger, but even so the option is very attractive to a lot of people, to 'prove a point' (as can be seen in the comments is done by more people). The fact that you are considering to use such a tactic says nothing about your sex life, and everything about your communicative skills as a couple.


Let me give an example that might show how incredibly ridiculous the plan is:

You come home one night to find your SO angry. She is furious because you forgot to shine her shoes for half a year. You're dumbfounded. Why would you be responsible for the shine on her shoes? You never even considered she wanted you to shine her shoes! At first you're angry, she expected you to be telepathic and understand her needs without hearing them from her. Eventually, you have a civil discussion and realise she really wants you to shine her shoes.

As you love your SO, you want to accomodate her needs. You want her to be happy. So you do your best to shine her shoes as often as you can. Unfortunately, shoeshine is expensive, you work long hours, you're a tad forgetful (because who isn't when they're busy doing other things?) and your shoeshining technique isn't quite up to par. But you do your best.

Alas, your SO doesn't agree. She wants her shoes to be shined daily. She realises that you can't do it on a daily basis, but at least you could do it every other day! So, you try again, but as shoeshining is just not really your thing (it is a lot of work after all), it is hard to get yourself to do it. You get into fights about it more often, because your SO is hurt that you're not shining her shoes as often as she needs. Meanwhile, this adds to the pressure: No matter how much you shine her shoes, it will never be as much as she may like. You can never live up to her expectations.

And it all started, because she expects something from you without communicating what shoeshining is like for you. She assumed your needs were equal to her needs. Even after talking it through, her needs dominated the discussion.


I realise this is a ridiculous example, but this is the exact process I see in /r/deadbedrooms, time and time again. In fact, I have been guilty of this myself as my drive is higher than my SO's. The burden regarding any kind of dissatisfaction in a relationship can not be placed on either her alone (by demanding that she fulfills your needs), or on you alone (by not having your needs fulfilled). Only through communication, compromise, and a lot of blood, sweat and tears (well, hopefully not tears.. or blood..) from both of you.


These predicaments happen in all long-term relationships. Sometimes they are concerned with sex, sometimes they are concerned with something else entirely. This is the part where everyone in a long-term relationship claims that it is hard work. Because it is exactly this issue that is hard work.


I would like to point out that some people are helped incredibly by couple counselling. There are also a number of books I would recommend if councelling is not an option. For any of these books it is important that both partners read them and go through the exercises. Like I said, you have to do this together. The first book that gives a number of couples a lot of understanding of eachother is called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chaplin. The book is concerned with trying to get to know eachothers needs and how to talk about them. Another book that is relevant in any relationship with low sexual activity is A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex by Laurie Mintz. Don't let the title of the book fool you, while directed at women it is actually a tool for regaining a sex drive in a relationship. It is as applicable to men as women, but overall it's a couple's tool.


I sincerely hope you, and others, do not choose the path of resentment. It is very rare to be compatible in every way with a SO. In this relationship it may be sex, but in another it may be something else entirely (not having the same amount of need to go out of the house, for example). Needs never completely match, so it takes work from both sides to make eachother happy.

Hmm. It still sounds like you manage the mother of all cases of performance anxiety each time. I, your perfect internet stranger, suggest counseling, specifically for sexual dysfunction. You might benefit from post-hypnotic suggestion or some other semi-exotic aid to get you right.

In all seriousness, I would start thinking of this from a medical point of view. You do seem to have taken enough varied approaches that a "next step" is in order. In the meantime let yourself off the hook! Let yourself up, give yourself a break, lighten up on yo' bad self. You accomplish only negative things with the negative thinking.

I am going to verge close to annoying here and offer this book, which helped Old_School get out of a "loop depression" (I don't know how to describe it, it was depression,and maybe a touch of OCD, maybe) a few years back. The book's been around for a while, so it's probably available at the library.

Cold turkey?. Damn. Yeah, I've been sort of "sounding the alarm" for those here on reddit. The two drugs I mention in my previous post are not to be fucked with. Or used regularly, IMO. I was looking for class-action suits to join regarding Effexor. I was only on it for a couple of years. I can't imagine what it's like for a real long-term user. In truth, I have mild tinnitus, so I may even still have some residual effects that I don't hear, but it's been just about exactly a year, so time may have healed the wound.

But it is just the sort of thing one would wish on one's worst enemy.

Please allow me to suggest that you take a look at this book, or maybe the 327 reviews.

This book, along with tranquilizers for GAD, was probably all I ever needed. The anxiety was always a bigger, long-term problem for me. But the book can pull you out of "bad thinking" for lack of a better term, heh. It was working for me before I finished the first chapter, really.