Reddit reviews Adult Children of Alcoholics

Pa, psihicki problemi i poremecaji licnosti podrazumevaju iskrivljenu sliku o realnosti, ponekad i odvojenost od realnosti, kad su psihoze u pitanju. Ako bi ga odveo na lecenje od alkoholizma, sigurno ga ne bi proglasili za normalnog, zato sto se radi o strucnim ljudima koji znaju kako se alkoholicari ponasaju, a to sta on radi je uobicajeno ponasanje.

> Sa advokatima se ne bih zamajavao, jer mene imovina i kuca u kojoj zivimo, uopste ne interesuju (iako sam podstanar), s obzirom da me sve vise negativnih osecanja veze za to.

To svakako razumem, medjutim, cinjenica je da si ti naslednik te imovine i da te zbog ocevog ponasanja u buducnosti mogu sacekati problemi. Razmotri kako da se zastitis na vreme, pre nego sto te neki pravni problem bude sprecio da zapocnes svoj biznis ili tako nesto, jeftinije je tako i novcano i zivcano...

> I dalje ne shvatam zasto uopste i najmanje razmisljam o tome kako ce ziveti bez nas, jer znam da nece moci. Tacnije, majku bih odveo i ne bih joj ikada predlozio da se vrati, ali zato za sebe osecam da bih imao potrebu da ga obidjem makar jednom mesecno, iako bi to bila jako teska i mucna poseta, jer znam da bi mi nabijao na nos sve negativne stvari, jer to i sada radi kad dodjem vikendom. Bukvalno kako izadjem iz autobusa, pocne da mi prica sve negativne stvari koje su se desile.

Ti si obican covek, ispod te ljudskosti si jos obicnija zivotinja koja ima instinkte i jedan od bitnijih je instinkt za prezivljavanje. Nije uopste cudno sto ne razmisljas o njegovoj dobrobiti, zato sto si kao zivo bice, sisar, kicmenjak i covek uslovljen da sebe stavis na prvo mesto. Majku svakako odvedi ukoliko hoce da ide. Sto se poseta tice... Sta ti kazem, samo u dozi u kojoj mozes da podneses. Ne bi bilo lose da imas neki dil sa komsijama da te oni cimnu ako matori krene da pravi neko preveliko sranje i tako to.

Sto se tice same komunikacije sa njim. Izbegavaj da igras igru svadje. Ako krene da sere nesto, okreni se i idi i obavesti ga da to neces da trpis, pa nek on bira kako ce da se ponasa.

A taj osecaj kad izadjes iz busa, znam to, nisam imao alkosa u porodici, ali sam imao adekvatnu zamenu. Nije se nista sredilo dok nisam uzeo "loptu" u svoje ruke i uredio te stvari tako da meni odgovaraju, a nakon inicjalnog skripanja, skontali su i moji da je tako zivot jednostavniji.

Vidim da ti je neko vec predlozio terapiju kao opciju, da, bilo bi pametno de te pare koje bi njemu dao, potrosis na to da malo uredis sopstvenu glavu.

Takodje, kao i proslom liku koji je izneo ovakvu pricu (maltene u potpunosti identicnu, osim ako nisi to ti kojim slucajem), potrazi ove knjige, namenjene su pre svega tebi:

https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

Jeste da ti je cale alkos, ali ima dosta saveta u ovoj drugoj knjizi koji su generalno primenjivi...

I am currently dealing with the same issue (along with a host of other things) since this January when I had an emotional break and realized that I need to deal with my ACoA issues.

I'm a 42M, married 14 years, with 2 kids....and I was essentially sleepwalking through my life...and behaving in ways that alienated almost everyone...and almost ended my marriage.

What changed things? Well first the realization that I have these issues and that it's not my fault that I'm this kind of fucked up....BUT it is my responsibility to do something about it. This book really helped me understand things:

Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1558741127/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_BktBDb5N5076D

Second was finding the right therapist and going weekly. This cadence was right for me at the start.... Recently I'm down to every 2 weeks but we will see how long that keeps up for. She's great because she calls me out on bullshit and bad behaviour...and is a fantastic guide who helps me see things in a different perspective... Yet she still lets me learn my own lessons... Which is how you grow (you don't want someone that just tells you the answers).

Third was working really hard on undoing the conditioning that my childhood built in to me. I have been behaving this way for most of my life so the work is slow and endless but progress is incredibly rewarding.

In 7 months I have saved my marriage (literally... We were like roommates and not romantic partners at all...and it's not perfect but it's better than I can remember it ever being), I am learning to feel and process emotions.. which means I'm not a robot anymore (people used to call me Data (Star Trek TNG reference) in a loving way), and I'm a better father, husband, friend, and man...

All because I'm learning to be the authentic ME instead of pretending to be who I thought everyone else wanted/needed.

Don't get me wrong... There are really, really, crushingly difficult days where I wish I could go back to sleepwalking through life...and there are even harder days where the weight of the work I will have to do the rest of my life makes me seriously consider (for 1 second) "tapping out" and stepping in front of a train... But then I think about all those people that love and care about the "real" or "new" me...and I put my head down and keep doing the work.

Good luck and please reach out if you'd like to talk!

It's a wise choice not to drink. It's a wise choice for anyone, it is unhealthy stuff and causes a lot of problems. But it is especially wise as the child of an alcoholic, because alcoholism runs in families. Nature or nurture or both, we are more likely to abuse alcohol if one of our parents did.

But it sounds like you also don't want to live your life angry and fearful about alcohol. I don't blame you. I have a few suggestions:

• The book Adult Children of Alcoholics helps explain how your upbringing in an alcoholic home affected you. It's also a good read.
  
  
• Al-Anon is a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics. There is also an /r/AlAnon
  
  
• Find a therapist if you can. Talking it out with a professional can be a huge help.

Thanks for this IAMA. I too am an ACOA, and did not realize or give credit to how much growing up in an alcoholic family affected me. Like it or not, it made me who I am. Since you haven't mentioned it, there is a book that gives a pretty good description of adult children and what their issues are likely to be. When my wife read it, her reaction was "Yikes! That's you!"

My family had very little chaos. No brawls, no lost jobs, no DUIs. We were all the silent type. We'd all sit down to dinner together, and after dinner, Mom would be in the kitchen drinking, Dad would be at his computer drinking, I'd go watch tv or play video games, and my sister would go out with friends. No one spoke to anyone, and certainly not about drinking.

My point is that alcoholics families come in all shapes and sizes, but the way it affects the kids is pretty consistent.

The book 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' by Janet Woititz opened my eyes to why I feel/act like I do, being a child of an alcoholic. It's a short book; I suggest you or your girlfriend read through it (you can get it for $1 on eBay). Read the reviews online for how it helped other people, too. I had this...warm feeling of acceptance, from myself, as I started to read this book. I couldn't believe how it KNEW how I felt inside, how I (incorrectly) pictured the way other people perceived me.

I found this website while searching for this book: http://www.adultchildren.org/. They also have a different book they're selling on there and it got very good reviews online also.

Also, check out the book Adult Children of Alcoholics when you have some free time. Even though you're still a teen, you might find a lot of things resonate with you already.

When all you know is abuse it is hard to question leaving it. This is all you know.

My love please continue to just look out just for you. Your family does not deserve you and you dear do deserve love and respect.

Please try to find a support group in the USA to help you find your inner strength. Adult Children of Alcoholics is for anyone who has dealt with family dysfunction and on going abuse, whether there was alcohol or drugs involved. You will find support at these meetings.
https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

You can search for meetings in your area here: https://adultchildren.org/meeting-search/

Or order this book online...this book saved me: https://www.amazon.ca/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127

No one deserves to be treated this way. Sending you many blessings and much love from Canada. Please come to Canada if you feel unsafe elsewhere. Much love

http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127

this is an amazing book that will help you understand certain behaviors you may have have developed to cope with your alcoholic parent. It has done wonders for my husband. I recommend reading it and wish you luck.

*edit for spelling errors

You're fine just the way you are. You don't owe anyone anything for liking you. And people like you because of who you are. Let things play out, your friends will appreciate your company. I can quote you something out of this Book: "..One aspect of this is how some people are able to successfully maintain a negative self-image when there is evidence to the contrary. This is how it works. If anything goes wrong, it is your responsibility. Somehow, you should have done it differently and things would have been better. Anything that goes right has to do with something other than yourself. It was going to happen that way anyway. Or, if it is very clear that you are the one who is responsible for a positive outcome, you dismissed it with, "Oh that was easy. That was of little consequence." This is really not a sense of humility but a distortion of reality. It feels safer to keep a negative self-image because you are used to it. Accepting praise for being competent means changing the way you see yourself and means that maybe you can judge yourself a little less harshly-and be a little more accepting and say, "I made that mistake; however, I am not a mistake." :) Like i said, you are fine just the way you are.

You don't sound like you're being an alarmist at all. After close to 30 years of emotional abuse you're probably incredibly sensitive to your parents' emotional whims and even though logically you can see how none of this is your fault, you still act within the realm of their behaviour being a product of your behaviour and in the end you just want what every child wants, a parent who loves them unconditionally.

A really great book that was suggested to me by a therapist long ago that better helped me understand why I felt and behaved the way I did is Adult Children of Alcoholics. You might also enjoy looking up Al-Alon groups in your city or on the internet and just talking to other survivors of an alcoholic family. It feels really validating being able to talk about your experiences and have people be like, "YES I TOTALLY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!"

My advice to you is to realize that it's not that your parents don't like you - it's that they like alcohol better. Even though your mom doesn't drink anymore she's still enabling your father and so she still has to live in the web of lies that alcoholism weaves. It's very painful but there can be almost no hope to repairing the relationship while the addict is still drinking. I was one of the lucky ones whose father stopped being an alcoholic so we've been able to repair our relationship.

In terms of calling and wishing him a happy birthday, that entirely depends on you and what you emotionally can handle. Personally, I would send a simple card wishing him a happy birthday and not call. That way it's a one-sided conversation.

I wish you a lot of luck. You seem like a lovely person who has tried really hard with her family but remember that you need to take care of yourself and keep yourself emotionally safe and strong.

The subreddit is r/adultchildren and they have a lot of good information. If you're looking for something to read I would suggest Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Absolutely. Psychology currently claims that an addiction is something we turn to to avoid feeling our feelings.

Good for you - keep going and I wish you much courage. If you're interested, the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" may be helpful, especially if your parents turned to something to avoid feelings as well.

I definitely agree with this. Porn addiction behaves the same as every other addiction, the only difference is that the resource that makes you high, is extremely easy to obtain. However, while I do agree that building the lifestyle you want will start leading you to recovery, I don't think that on it's own will do it. The mistake I see a lot of people on this forum doing, is relapsing and not taking time to understand why.

​

For people who are planning to try and break this, you need to right down the trigger process so you can be completely aware of how your brain works. For example, I am extremely prone to relapsing after binge playing video games for an extremely long time and if I stay in bed for too long in the morning.

​

So what happens:

1. I play video games and get a dopamine rush.
   
   
2. Afterwards I begin to feel sorry for myself, and also tired of video games I still need a way to release the dopamine rush I have.
   
   
3. I start considering porn and masturbation.
   
   
4. At this point my brain's beliefs (Excuses) begin to pop in my head, and I am left with the decision to either masturbate and watch porn, or walk away.
   
   ​
   
   The other thing is you need to right down your negative beliefs that are leading to relapse, such as: "I'll only do it for a few minutes," or "i'm going to take a quick peek." Then for each belief that is leading you to relapse, write extensively on why this is wrong and provide evidence, so for example:
   
   ​
   
   "I'm only going to take a quick peek."
   
   I cannot guarantee this, every time I've given this excuse I have not taken a quick peek. I have ended up spending upwards of an hour looking at porn. Furthermore, once I give in and start looking at it, the chemicals that will be released into my brain will make it almost impossible to accomplish this.
   
   ​
   
   So when you reach number 4 on the trigger process and this belief presents itself, you now have a response to challenge it with. From there whenever you relapse, take time to figure out what caused it, what beliefs brought you to relapse, the situation you were in.etc and if it was beliefs, challenge those beliefs, and if not try to find ways to prevent those situations from happening again.
   
   ​
   
   Build the lifestyle you want and take responsibility for your life, but don't assume that on your own will solve the issue. Porn addiction is ridiculously hard to break. For some people it has been ingrained in them since that were 10, and our world doesn't exactly do a great job of not putting triggers for it literally everywhere. If you want a more extensive book on this process I highly recommend this book. You can't beat this by abstaining, but you can beat this and ultimately change by being aware of yourself and how you work.
   
   ​
   
   Also: Because I believe in this book and it is kind of a contributor to some people's porn addictions, if you grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent, I highly recommend this book as well.
   
   ​

Here is the mobile version of your link

I am reading this right now:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1558741127

My mother has always been an alcoholic and this book is really helping me understand some things about myself and my life.

Truth is that having an alcoholic parent can really form who you are as a person. For example I do not hang around people that like to get drunk and I rarely drink myself.

But the problems run deeper and are very emotional. I also have a really hard time opening up to people. If she cared about you she wouldn't have responded as she did. Either she doesn't understand or she doesn't care, maybe both.

My husband doesn't always understand but with time and me opening up he is getting a better idea of how it has shaped me.

This is a really heavy issue and I can't blame anyone else for not wanting to deal with it. Perhaps the best thing is end the relationship and get some help for yourself. There is a support group for adult children of alcoholics. Perhaps you should look into that.

Forgive me if I'm stepping out of bounds, but as someone else that grew up with an alcoholic parent, I recommend reading Adult Children of Alcoholics. Changed my whole perspective.

Here's a book I'm working through, which you might also find beneficial.

You are displaying behaviours typical of children of alcoholics. Don't worry. There is help. Try to find an Al-Teen or Al-anon group near you http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/for-alateen. Although you may be worried about attending, you will feel different when you realise your situation is not unique. You do not have to suffer alone.

A really good book that might help you understand your situation is http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

I don't know if they have ACOA in your country. You can check here. http://www.adultchildren.org

This is a great book to read: http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1419142441&sr=1-1&keywords=adult+children+of+alcoholics

These are my two favorites. They're accessible and to the point. Best of luck in your recovery. It's not any easy road, but it's worth it.

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Healing the Shame that Binds You

The Emotional Incest book

Adult Children of Alcoholics (surprisingly relevant regardless of alcoholism)

I didn't read through the entire thread, so sorry if this has already been said. From the things I read in the first ~30 posts, you have classic symptoms of someone who grew up with alcoholic people in his life. Or with people who grew up with alcoholic people in their lives. If yes, look into some of the literature for Al-Anon, or ACA (adult children of alcoholics). It wasn't until someone put this book in my hands that I realized why I lie about stupid shit, hate doing new things unless I can do them perfectly, start lots of projects and don't finish most of them, etc.

E: Not why I do them, but some insight into what may have had a hand in instilling these types of behaviors into me.

E2: Not saying OP should join a 12 step since I know how much reddit hates anything that might resemble churchiness. But the ideas/books might point a way to combat the behaviors.

Read this book. It will change your whole life outlook: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127

It's probably at the library for free or ebay for $1 as a paperback.