(Part 3) Top products from r/AskWomenOver30

He is only very minorly hearing impaired, but it's likely to get worse, as his mother is almost completely deaf. For him, the main drawback is that he has to listen to music loudly. He works by himself (driving) so he can do that all day, every day. Thank god, because it's too loud for me.

As for how he conducts life as a person with intellectual interests:

• All of his friendships are conducted via email. I am not joking. We've been together 5 years, and he's gone out for coffee with friends exactly three times. With acquaintances/coworkers he partly lipreads, partly just reads the situation well to decide what's appropriate. He does not, as you seem to, crave human interaction, so he doesn't feel like he's missing out on some greater connection if he just makes the appropriate polite noises and moves on.
  
  
• He has what might be termed 'intellectual pen pals'. This is how our relationship started. He writes to his friends about what he is reading, and they (we) discuss it. Text is an amazing medium for this because you can fully expand your arguments and you never get sidetracked or interrupted. I actually miss that since we took our relationship IRL. Conversations lack rigour! lol He also writes to authors whose books he enjoys. He just had a good conversation last week with Anthony Kronman. I think he's angling for an early review copy of his next book ;)
  
  
• He devotes himself to a few, close relationships. By a few, I mean three, not including me. He tolerates my desire to go out and interact with people but rarely participates. His three people are spread across the country, so a strong text-based relationship is a strength, not a weakness.
  
  I asked him what advice he would offer you and he suggested that you were most likely fishing in the wrong pond-- that the concentration of people you'd enjoy spending time with is likely to be particularly low on Tinder (he's never used online dating, though, so don't take that as gospel)
  
  Instead, he thought you should simply "do his thing" and "follow the Tao" -- meaning, seek to fulfill yourself intellectually, live your best life, and if a relationship happens, it happens. When I pointed out that "doing your thing" consisted of reading a book at home, alone, he said that at the very least you could probably find a philosophy club at a university or take Adult Ed classes at the local college.
  
  We both agree that if human interaction is important to you, then you'd be better off concentrating on going where people with active "lives of the mind" gather, rather than pursuing a relationship per se. When I lived in rural Canada, that place was the internet-- there was nothing for me, locally. In fact, before meeting my husband, I simply assumed that intellectual pursuits were simply going to have to be a personal quirk or hobby; I had no expectation of ever finding a dateable person who also wanted to read deeply and discuss things and push out the edges of his understanding. So I quite empathize with where you're coming from, and I hope something in here helps.

There is a book called Feeling Good by David D Burns. It's an older book, but one of the best out there for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Not all chapters will be relevant to the issue, but there are a lot of good exercises in the book for when you're stressing over it. I do a modified version of one of the techniques where I write down my "hot thoughts" or automatic thoughts, and then my "cool thoughts" which are the more rational truths to the situation.


So if you're thinking "Our relationship is spoiled because he was with another woman" you can sit down and write out things like, "That's not true, many relationships go through all kinds of rough patches and it doesn't mean they're spoiled." "We're both doing a lot of work to make sure we're honest and open with each other." etc etc

Have you considered going to couples therapy?

I think that the next time she tells you something like she feels like she's putting in 100% of the work you could just tell her that you want to be a better partner for her, maybe you could do therapy together to be sure that you properly address her concerns.

You can go with "Obviously I'm just not understanding, but I would like to and I think this would help us communicate about what you want from our relationship."

(You have your own problems but suggesting going to therapy isn't a good time to bring up your problems lol.)

You could also consider reading the 5 Love Langauges, maybe somehow you're just not expressing to her in a way she resonates with: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2OGN6I57BGLOY&keywords=5+love+languages+by+gary+chapman&qid=1557866049&s=books&sprefix=5+love+%2Cstripbooks%2C161&sr=1-1

There's also a free quiz you can both take: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ (IMO you can learn just as much to imrpove your relationship from both taking the quiz, both reading about the different styles of love languages conceptually, and both committing to knowing each other's primary languages AND your own.)

I haven't read this book, but a mentor of mine says it saved her marriage: https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914

Agree with everyone here but on the sunscreen note- I’ve been using Avene tinted facial sunscreen and it’s amazing! Mind you I don’t wear makeup but I feel like I don’t need to with this!

And drink lots of water!!

https://www.amazon.com/Eau-Thermale-Sunscreen-Resistant-Non-Greasy/dp/B07RGT9YTK

I totally believe this. You seek out partners to help you heal childhood wounds, so until you deal with those wounds you just keep attracting those "wrong" people.

Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide https://www.amazon.com/dp/0671734202/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_YZsiDbQ8S9VTW

John and Julie Gottman have written several books on the topic.
From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

1. Enhance your love map
   
2. Nurture fondness and admiration
   
3. Turn toward each other
   
4. Let your partner influence you
   
5. Solve your solvable problems
   
6. Overcome gridlock
   
7. Create shared meaning
   
   On the other side of the coin, Gottman talks about The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which he says are predictors for divorce:
   
   
8. Criticism
   
9. Defensiveness
   
10. Contempt
    
11. Stonewalling

Firstly - and I don't mean this in a mean way - you were a fool to think that anyone would change for you because they loved you. It's usually best policy to believe the opposite, that if they already have bad habits, that they will only become more entrenched in them as time passes. People who change for others are the exception, not the rule.

Now about the dipping. You are making this more complicated than it has to be. Either his addiction is a dealbreaker and you leave, or it isn't, and you live with it. You cannot control what other people choose to do with their own bodies. The only thing you CAN control is your own reaction to them.

Now, speaking as someone who smoked for 12 years and quit, don't listen to the bullshit about coddling "addicts." Yes, nicotine qualifies as a type of substance abuse, but it's easy as pie to quit IF you put your mind to it. This isn't like detoxing from alcohol (which can kill you if aren't in a medical environment). People who can't quit nicotine are lacking in mental fortitude. Is that a quality of someone that you want to continue to build your life with?

BTW, Aaron Carr's book was an invaluable quitting tool. It would be worth a read for you too to help you understand the illogical mentality of nicotine addicts. This book worked better than any combination of patches, gum, and lozenges. Read the reviews and believe the hype.

Oh, and my hospital recently included ear accupuncture as part of their nicotine cessation program. It's supported by our addiction physicians so that means it's not all hooey. Might be worth looking into if your SO is open to it.

I would ask your physical therapist. They assessed your musculature, so they know which exercises will work best. Tell them you understand too many exercises would be overwhelming, so ask them to only give you 2-3.

If that doesn't work out this book is verbose, but excellent

https://www.amazon.com/Core-Program-Fifteen-Minutes-Change/dp/0553380842/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=core+for+women&qid=1572474735&s=books&sr=1-1

The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton ( The Secret Keeper: A Novel https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007EECSFA/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_6lnJDbXKCNBKK )

The Secret Life of Violet Grant by Beatriz Williams ( The Secret Life of Violet Grant (The Schuler Sisters Novels) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425274845/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_agnJDbGQCZSZS )

(Actually, any book by these two authors. They are wonderful)

The Magic Circle by Katherine Neville ( The Magic Circle https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00YTFTB2K/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_4mnJDbT5PRE0K ). This is on sale right now at $2.00

Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen
( Garden Spells: A Novel (Waverly Family) https://www.amazon.com/dp/055338483X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_uunJDb2P5VPHX )

The Cuckoo's Calling by Robert Galbraith (which is a pseudonym for J.K. Rowling) ( The Cuckoo's Calling (Cormoran Strike Book 1) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AA20E5Y/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_WwnJDbGFGZNJP)

Boundaries. This goes along with /u/rhythmicdancer's answer of simply saying "no" and /u/localgyro's answer of conflict resolution. I am still learning this by the way.

First to know myself better to learn what boundaries I should have, what I should and shouldn't be saying at work, what behaviors I will and won't accept from my spouse and family members and friends. And being able to express those boundaries and not feel bad for demanding respect. A good book for this.
Sigh this thread reminds me of what a hot mess I am right now.

Another book recc: Why Does He Do That it is by no means a perfect book, but it sounds like your dude fits the bill for what that book describes seriously well.

His behaviour as you described it sounds abusive. I can't comment on whether your behaviour was or not because the only things listed in which you, specifically, did something wrong are:

>One day when he was telling me that he didn't regret cheating on me, I hit him. He told me I was crazy.
>Another time when I told him I was glad his ex cheated on him he slapped me on the stomach and told me I made him do it.

And if both those things happened in the middle of the abuse you describe, well, Im not qualified to say what that means. Definitely agree with everyone that the best thing for you right now is to pursue therapy, to help you parse this.

I read this book and found the exercises incredibly helpful, both regarding career/hobby choices and relationship choices. It breaks down all the different flavors of noncommittal, looks at the different reasons/fears/etc that might be lurking underneath, and talks about more productive ways to engage with those feelings.

https://amzn.com/0674013433

Maybe this would help

Relevant reading - The Slow Moon Climbs: The Science, History, and Meaning of Menopause

I was reading a book about sociopaths and the author said that when asked, one particular sociopath told her what he wanted from people was pity so he could manipulate them.


[https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+sociopath+next+door&qid=1564281679&s=gateway&sr=8-18]

1. tropic of cancer by Henry miller. Read it as a junior in high school on my own, while assigned the usual ghastly curriculum of warmed over crap. I didn't know an "old" book could be so lively, vibrant, and also really filthy
   
2. Doubt: a history. This one made me better at my job. https://www.amazon.com/Doubt-Doubters-Innovation-Jefferson-Dickinson/dp/0060097957

Irvin Yalom - Staring at the Sun. He was very preoccupied to ease people's anxiety over this. I particularly loved Love's Executioner, but that's not that much focused on death.

• When Panic Attacks" by Dr. David Burns - Self-help guide to reducing anxiety or depression through cognitive therapy
  
  
• "The Healing Power Of The Breath" - clinically developed and researched breathing exercise proven to reduce depression and anxiety
  
  
• strenuous regular exercise
  
  
• meditation
  
  
• regular stretching
  
  
• journaling
  
  
• good nutrition ( whole grain products, legumes, fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds, minimize junk, get enough protein, b-vitamins )
  
  
• long walks
  
  
  
• Square Breathing - A breathing technique to reduce panic
  
  
  Lavender oil capsules ( approved for the treatment of anxiety in Germany)
  
  
• Lavender oil reduces anxiety in women
  
• PubMed:Lavender oil preparation Silexan is effective in generalized anxiety disorder--a randomized, double-blind comparison to placebo and paroxetine
  
• Lavender Oil Anxiety And Depression
  
• The type of Lavender oil capsules studied in Germany