(Part 4) Top products from r/JUSTNOMIL

I came here to nominate Mrs. Ruskin. There is a really great biography about his wife Effie that I enjoyed reading which gets into all those relationships. She was definitely just no.

According to the above bio, Mrs. Ruskin and John Ruskin have left an extensive correspondence that details quite a few things. Mrs. Ruskin initially approved of Effie because she thought Effie was young, naive, and sheltered enough that she could mold her however she wanted. At one point Mrs. Ruskin seemed to have similar designs on Effie's younger sister. When that didn't work out, there is evidence that she and John were plotting to have Effie declared insane and put away in an asylum. Effie figured it out and got her parent's help to escape and then petition Parliament for a divorce. They ended up with an annulment because Effie was willing to be examined by a doctor to prove her virginity and John agreed to claim he had never consummated the marriage. Apparently, during that time you actually had to get parliament to dissolve your marriage with a special act. This is obviously very abbreviated.

In spite of the above, I don't think his mother had anything to do with his unconsummated marriage (unless it was because he had mommy issues, which I wouldn't rule out). In college, I took a class which required reading some of Ruskin's critique of Art and Architecture. At the time I kept thinking that his standards of beauty were so perfectionist that I pitied the woman he married if his standards on female beauty were anything like the excerpts from Stones of Venice. I knew nothing about his private life and was rather excited when I found that biography years later. If his standards on female beauty were anything like his standards on Art and Architecture, it would have been pretty much like man now expecting his partner to actually be air-brushed.

So ... since her "gift" to you was "her Tribe"... just out of curiosity, how many/what percentage of those people who are HER support system in life have done anything whatsoever for you, DH, and LO since then, outside of attending this Diaper Shower?

Because I'm getting the vibe that the rambling, highly awkward speech made Her Tribe all exchange glances, take some big long gulps of their "fire water", and subtly change her caller ID in their phones to "Don't Answer". Here's the thing OP, that an old broad of 49 sees that maybe a 20-something wouldn't' pick up on - that whole little monologue she did was engineered to EXCLUDE you, entirely. If she had been genuinely welcoming you in to the Tribe she would have talked about YOU in an introduction of sorts. It would have been about honoring you - and she would have started with, "Op is shy, so I'll keep this short" but then she would have praised you, (even if you haven't cured cancer or finished college, she could say how happy you make her son, what a nice person you are, and what a good mom you're going to be and how grateful she is that you are now part of her family). Instead, what she did was absolutely to set in people's heads HOW MUCH SHE NEEDS THEM and COUNTS ON THEM in HER LIFE. (My spidey senses are telling me that before this party she's been running around to the entire "tribe" complaining and howling and whining their ears off, and playing this as the collapse of civilization that you snared her baby boy with your Devil Vagina Magic.) Instead of bringing you into the group, this precisely EXCLUDED you. It honored the past service they have given to her (and reinforced that she expects them to keep it up in the future - because you two are just dumb noobs for getting pregnant and they all know "from experience" how screwed you are). That was the message. She honored herself and thanked her support system. She blamed you to them for whatever leaning on them she'd been doing (I'm guessing a shit ton of Narc supply in the form of sympathy, and bending of ears, has been bestowed on her as a bonus from this whole situation).

So... this is what you do - keep coming here. Polish up that shiny spine. Start reading up on Narcissists, and cover aggression. There was a book In Sheep's Clothing that was GREAT on covert aggression. I read it a few years back, really helped me with my own toxic mother.

I'm thinking her name should be Tribal Tina, maybe?

Sounds like you have a narc on your hands, and you married her golden child. And that you should have stayed strong with your first NC, but isn't that true for all of us?

You're in the right place, and we can help you and if he'll let us- your husband. Who should check out /raisedbynarcissists.

Here's the three books I suggest that might really help with getting a good hold on the situation:

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

1. Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
   
2. Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
   
3. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
   
   If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
   

NeverHappy aside, if you are ever in a slump and having a hard time digging yourself out, I have had really good results with the Feeling Good Handbook my shrink recommended me (I'm not much for most self-help stuff; this is the only real book we ever talked about). I have dysthymia, which is basically the opposite of yours, but a lot of the cyclical thinking of depression is universal. It's essentially the basics of modern Cognitive Behavior Therapy, outlined with worksheets and practical exercises, by the psychologist who pioneered it. I go back and flip through it every once in awhile because I find I have lapsed, and I take away something new or that I totally forgot about every time.

I am SO glad she is that much less of a contributing factor in your life, though. That is definitely a win! 2 years is amazing!

Okay, I'm a fire sign. I still know how to mind my fucking manners. They're not fire signs. They're rude and out of line.

Since they do not have mental boundaries? Use physical ones. While baby wearing can help? Another great one is the lovely and dead cheap doorstop! And we're talking the cheap kind. Works on all floors and fits neatly into a zip up pouch so you can store one in your diaper bag. If you do not have access to a door that locks? This will wedge a door shut long enough to change a baby or feed a baby in privacy. That means no grabbing the baby. If they try to follow you in? "Sorry, we're teaching the baby that he's allowed to have privacy when he's in vulnerable situations."

Another way to use a physical boundary? Face to face confrontation can be hard. So can causing a fuss. Distance is easier. So, when a reasonable boundary has been crossed? Like, either one of them doing something you have specifically said you do not want done? Would you look at the time? You have to go. If they're over at your house? You've just come down with a splitting "You're giving me a" headache. They have to go. And at the end of this? "Say goodbye to Granny!" exit.

If you are going to start working? The only way you agree to do so is if you and your SO both agree to, and can afford to, put your son in daycare. No, they will not be taking the baby for their own fun. No, they will not be on any pickup forms. No, they are not on pediatrician permissions or anything else. That daycare acts as a physical wall against them. Those professionals will call the police if these two decide to pull anything.

Hi.

One recommendation for your DH and FSIL: a bidet.

Don't trip out, they are cheap, sturdy, and easy to install. You know that nozzle on the wall behind the toilet? That's where the water for the toilet comes from. You basically stick the bidet right on that line.

Trust me, if I can do it, anyone can do it, you just need an adjustable wrench and a couple of different-sized screwdrivers.

Forget discussing toilet paper, seriously.

And non-digestive issues people need to learn about these things as well, because honestly? This washes your butt, okay. It does not give you an enema!

How about a helping hand:
[snip snip glue glue]

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

• Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  
• Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  
• Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
  
  If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.

Best $3.50 you'll ever spend, trust me.

https://www.amazon.com/Shepherd-Hardware-9133-Heavy-Rubber/dp/B00004YOHN

Like these travel bidets. Careful, very much like a water gun in tiny hands.

Edit: We ultimately ended up getting a woot deal for these bidets for the house and I have never looked back. People who say they are life changing are right.

You need to get some legal paperwork in place that can secure not only your current and future medical care in your partners name, but that also explicitly excludes your mom.

If you do get another dog, service or other, get it microchipped and add in the coding that noone but you or partner are to make medical choices. At least its some attempt of control.

Also, hopefully this gives your a smile. Since everyone needs a chance on the fury road. https://www.amazon.ca/Wilton-710-5521-Silver-Color-Mist/dp/B005KTVG86

I found information in the following websites helpful, Please note, I know these aren't academic journals, but they provided me basic terminology and a framework:

https://www.amazon.com/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed-ebook/dp/B000P1KPQS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1487889996&sr=1-1&keywords=when+he%27s+married+to+mom

http://www.drpsychmom.com/2015/02/02/partners-maintain-childlike-role-around-parents/#

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/04/emotional-incest-part-1-definitions.html

http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=709

http://andmylifeitis.blogspot.com/2013/08/when-hes-married-to-mom-mother-enmeshed.html

http://foundationrestoration.org/2013/02/the-overlooked-affair/

https://pairedlife.com/etiquette/Is-His-Mother-Ruining-Your-Marriage

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-setting-boundaries-in-enmeshed-relationships/

https://coachjackito.com/blog/telling-adult-children-marriage-problems/

http://donnaferber.com/2013/02/adult-children-of-divorce-are-you-parenting-your-parent/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXO7BdY91Ow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-n7rNRsawA

For what it's worth there's a way of hiding urls but making it still visible - so you could have your link above like this: security item. The way it works is you put square brackets around the title [security item], then without a space between, put the URL in parentheses (like these).

The code only activates, I believe, if you've got the square brackets and parentheses unseparated.

They make “Did you call first” welcome mats... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07VWVRCMD/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_4VMHDbGW2D2JK

https://www.amazon.com/Wilton-710-5521-Metallic-Color-Silver/dp/B005KTVG86 hope this help

If a stalker tries to contact you 100 times, and you respond after the 100th attempt, regardless of the nature of your response all the stalker has learned is that it takes 100 contact attempts to get your response.

A suggestion! Get yourself the following two stamps:

1. "RETURN TO SENDER"
   
2. "NOT AT THIS ADDRESS"
   
   ...and an ink pad. Stamp all mail from Woeful Wendy with those stamps going forward.
   
   The benefits of the stamps are:
   
   
3. Returned mail won't have the handwriting of any family member on it (which inadvertently confirms to WW that you know you're getting mail from her)
   
4. The stamps will look vaguely official (like the mail is perhaps being marked that way by the post office)
   
   Hopefully the cumulative impression will be that you and your family have relocated, leaving WW with no idea where you're at now.

Also, this is a great book on how babies are made for the elementary-school-age set: https://www.amazon.com/Mummy-Laid-Egg-Babette-Cole/dp/0099299119/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521382482&sr=8-1&keywords=Mommy+laid+an+egg

Track down a copy of this to give her. Or any other decent grammar handbook. https://www.amazon.com/Concise-English-Handbook-Hans-Paul/dp/0534004806/ref=pd_sbs_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=PK9N0EHPDR6XD475PGVM

Use this on the cow She'll shut up faster and wonder what hit her.

>I'm not used to dealing with manipulative people

This comment is relevant to your interests

This is the link for the Wolf book though

Do you have one of these?

Here ya go!

I think your MIL needs this. Just sayin'.

Look up wedge door alarms. They scream/beep when activated, and they don't require any installation. One for your front door, one for your bedroom.

try getting one of these funky bois in addition to the other suggestions above, like a chain lock and etc. it's a door wedge that sounds an alarm when pushed on! my mom used one in her first apartment and swears by them.

THIS IS AWESOME. Seriously. Maybe he doesn't realize how involved she already is in your lives because he grew up with her and he's used to her. But you've compromised enough. If his mom can't pony up with proof of her plans to confirm this won't be permanent, then you have every right to say no. You are not uncaring. But he's asking too much. This woman is already way more involved than is normal. She has issues and needs to find solutions. Enabling her won't help.
Read the preview of this book. I saw it posted on another thread and it sums up this situation quite well. He needs to realize she's using him. it may not be deliberate or malicious, but she's using him as a substitute partner nevertheless, and he's going to lose you if he keeps putting her first and not you.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed-ebook/dp/B000P1KPQS/ref=pd_ybh_a_22?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RXRY9H1DNX3CY15CWV5J

Yes, they're stops on an L-shaped bracket which allows them to slide around a corner. You install them on the upper window at whatever height you want. When the stops are on the front face of the window, it prevents the lower window from sliding past it. When you turn the stops to the inner side, they no longer block the window.

​

Here's an example: Window Stopper

​

Wow, that's a ridiculously long URl. Anyway, we installed them in all our first floor windows years ago, when we first moved in. Technically we should have them on some of the second floor windows as well, since there are porches.

Whenever she complains, send her links to child-safe cabinet latches, cleaning supplies (mops or floor cleaners) or pet baby gates.

Goddamn that sucks. I'm sorry :-(

I've heard the Red Tent is a great one!

This. Or to keep her at arms length, this.

From a review of the second item: GIVES JUST ENOUGH SHOCK TO LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG ....

I'm working on it. Therapy once a week, and I'm struggling to finish a degree that I've been working on for a while. Whenever I do good work in school, I self-sabotage. It's infuriating. But these support groups on Reddit help a lot.

I hope other people who have enabler parents realize that it's OK to be mad at them. Yeah, they were victims of abuse in a way too, but we deserved better. IDK if your DH or you ever want book recommendations on enabler moms, but I've left a trail of breadcrumbs with book excerpts in them through my posts:

• The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd Ed by Jasmin Lee Cori. One of the few books I've found to talk about both abusive and enabler mothers. It has lots of journal exercises.
  
• The Enabler by Angelyn Miller. It's written by a woman who used to enable her husband and managed to recover. It's only around 100 pages long, so it's a quick read
  
• If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. Chapter 9: "Childlike Parenting" refers to enabler mothers and talks through examples.
  
• Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. Page 83. The link to the excerpt is here.
  
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. The "passive" parenting style is the enabler.
  
  The enabler bibliography is still a work in progress, but it's a great jumping off point for anyone else who is mad as hell at an enabler. I'll keep adding to it as I find more relevant books, essays, chapters, poems, etc.