(Part 3) Top products from r/raisedbynarcissists

Find an interest and find others with that interest and join groups that support that interest. Hiking groups, dog walking/dog park groups, meetups, etc.

You may not be a church type (I'm not) but join a church just for practice. I do enjoy Quaker meetings, that's a progressive group. There are progressive churches if you look (assuming that's to your tastes, if not, it's easier to find conservative places). Quaker meeting is also good.

I (an introvert, check out /r/introvert, it helped me) like meditation and there are Buddhist Vipassana groups around the country and these groups are often filled with non-monastics types like me and they are very welcoming. If you let me know what city you are in I can find one.

If you are brave enough, Toastmasters is good.

Perhaps volunteer at an animal shelter. Volunteer somewhere.

Reading books can help. Books on self-esteem from your library or Amazon, like this one by Matthew McKay can help. Self help books helped me a lot.

More power to you!

I had that happen as well, though I didn't realize it as much at the time.

First, since you asked, some books:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Toxic Parents

Why Does He Do That?(still applicable if you change genders)

If you're able to move away, you should. You need to get as much distance as you can to build your own life and personality. I think I took five years before I started becoming the person I am now, and I'm still a ways to go in building my self-esteem.

If you can't move, like u/LuluThePanda said, you should still start doing daily affirmation habits. Little steps matter, even as little as saying "why yes, I do look pretty awesome today." You need to start "faking it until you make it" - it won't come naturally at first, but the more you do it, the better it will feel, and the more it will feel like it's really you.

Also, you may want to stop telling your mother about successes you have. It's your call, but I found that my mother didn't actually have any interest in my doing well, more that I could act as her council when called on. That and she doesn't understand what success means in my field. I stopped talking about any luck I had/goals I reached, and it helped me stay calm more often.

Good luck, and stay strong! You're doing great!

edit: formatting

It sounds like you're in a truly hard place. 8/10 on the ACE scores is terrifying for a young child to go through.

> Meds

The way my therapist described it was some problems were caused by a brain chemical imbalance, and some are learned through shitty childhoods. My opinion on meds is if i had an infection in my foot I would have no problems taking something to support my body in healing, and just because you can't see it doesn't mean brains are different. The thought of having to be on meds sucks, but if it can make life easier. My husband had a devastating breakdown before we met. He found the right drugs, adjusted them when he felt like they weren't meeting his needs, and they've changed his life. I've seen how positive they can be, and know that it's just brain chemistry playing up. You say you're sitting in a daze, it sounds like you could be a little depressed? Is it kinda like this? You need to be able to sort that to be able to interact with your daughter - that's a priority here.

> Therapy

It sounds like that psychiatrist is not the one for you. You need to find one you can trust, keeping in mind trust doesn't appear from the start, it's a relationship that grows through subsequent visits. You have to build a relationship with someone, and then eventually you will feel like opening up. And in the meantime you deal with small things. While you find someone you would like to form a therapy relationship with, why not look at something like the dialetical behavior therapy workbook. It's designed for people with BPD (Im working through it with my husband), and although I personally don't have BPD, I've found the concepts in it life changing. I think you'd get a bit out of this workbook, it's bought a sense of peace to my own life, and it's very empowering. It takes awhile to work through because it is emotionally taxing, but it's quite freeing at the same time.

It's time for you to start this, your little girl needs it to, and it sounds like you are a very caring person that is paralyzed by everything you've been through.

>I'm afraid I'll end up one myself. I want to become a better person.

A narcissist will never ever say that. A narcissist believes they are perfect and all their problem or imperfection are the faults of others. You are critical (maybe over critical) of your flaws and you take responsibility for them. You are already a better person than your mother, SOs, and friends. From your description of the people that surround you, I think you have the same problem I had. I tended to repeat the same relationship pattern I had with my mother with my friends, so I ended up making friends that treated me like my mother treated me. I blamed myself and made excuses for my (ex)friends when they abused and exploited me. When meet good people I wanted to be friends with, I would tell myself that I was not good enough to be their friends and they wouldn't want to hang out with me.

My first N-book was Children of the Self-Absorbed. It not only helped me describe my Nmom, but also helped describe the various affects it had on me. It has fun worksheets and little questionnaires. It has little messages at the end of each section, which I put on post-its and put it around my workstation. The post-its have been enormously helpful in guiding my thoughts and most importantly interactions with my parents and friends.

The Gift of Imperfection helped me recognized my shame and insecurity, and gave me tools to deal with them properly. It also has a lot of inspiring messages about living life to its potential after being emotionally battered. This book helped me open up and reach out. This book is also an easy read. I read it in a week on busy schedule.

This forum, too, has been an amazing support group - the next best thing to a good therapist. People are so incredibly supportive and understand. I feel comfortable posting my thoughts, feelings, and get responds on difficult issues. I have learned, cried, and healed and never felt judged.

Don't send it. You don't owe her anything - let alone being obligated to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) that she will just use to pick apart and further engage you. I read your original post, and honey, it sucks. But she doesn't deserve the care, attention, and energy you poured into this. YOU DO. If this made you feel better, save it. Keep it to reflect back on. But take more time to heal, and pour your energy into processing the pain it caused you, to have your kindness dismissed and thrown back in your face ... and then stop casting your pearls before swine. Pour that energy into YOURSELF.

If you haven't read Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare yet, please get yourself a copy. It goes into the cycle they use to actually addict victims to them, pulling them in and pushing them away. That original e-mail was a total guilt trip, meant to ensnare you, because you set some healthy BOUNDARIES. Explaining it, sending her more contact... it only FEEDS her Nsupply.

Block her completely on all media. Give yourself permission to take a true and complete break from this dynamic for a full year. Start looking at your calendar now, and make plans for the other holidays that don't include you sacrificing your emotional health on the altar of homage to Mommy Dearest. There are people who would LOVE and APPRECIATE you giving to them - be it as a volunteer at a community center, or painting a mural, babysitting children while their parents go to work or Christmas Shopping, or reading to elderly people in a nursing home, or helping out at your local animal shelter. But go, make plans that make YOU happy. Make sure you give to something that leaves you feeling hopeful and like you make a difference to make the world a better place - the black hole of a Narcissist's ego will NEVER be filled, so there's no point in trying anymore.

How old is your child? Can you think of specific situations you have struggled with?

First, full disclosure. I'm not a parent, but I am wrestling with this myself while waiting to adopt an infant. I am also acting as a pseudo secondary mother to my teenage sister who is still under the thumb of our nmom. The work for the former, in conjunction with facing issues with nmom head on, has resulted in a huge difference with my sister. I used to perpetuate my mom's abuses, but since then an increase in empathy, patience and respect for autonomy has made all the difference. Situationally it looks different with younger kids, but it comes from the same place.


YMMV of course, but thus far our philosophy can be boiled down to a few core elements:

• Children are immature yet whole beings, entitled to every bit of respect that adults are entitled to
  
  
• Discipline means literally "to teach." Discipline =/= punishment, humiliation, or shame
  
  
• We "work with" instead of "do to"
  
  
• Parenting is the gradual process of perpetually stepping back
  
  
  Of my giant stack of books, I'd recommend:
  
  
• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn Resource on gentle parenting. Heavily cited and supported by evidence. Also see The Myth of the Spoiled Child.
  
  
• Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel Addresses attachment theory, how it effects brain development, how childhood attachment style and trauma effects your parenting as an adult, and how to work with it. Also key is the difference between enmeshing yourself in your child's feelings vs guiding them through them.
  
  
• No Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel I haven't read this yet, but I'm a fan of Siegel, so...
  
  
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber This is a classic, very readable. Gives concrete strategies, and walks through practical scenarios. Discusses natural consequences vs purely punitive measures.
  
  
  If you're a busy parent who doesn't have time to read, I highly recommend this Siegel playlist about attachment and this video about communication and boundaries. Those two will probably lead you down a pretty decent youtube rabbit hole.
  
  Good luck!

I've been LC with NMom for 15 years, since moving across the country for college. I'm getting better and better at being medium chill (I didn't know that was a thing until I just read about it, but I've been doing it on my own!) and I've found some things that work:

• "It sounds like you're upset and need some time to calm down. I'm going into the other room until you're ready to talk calmly." (AMAZED that this actually worked. I hope it keeps working.) She once started going all N in front of my toddler son, so I told him "Grandma is upset. Let's go play in the other room while she calms down."
  
• DBT! For me, and now I got NMom doing the DBT Workbook since I told her it helped me a lot with my depression. I really can't recommend this enough for everyone, it has helped me SO much: http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1451574781&sr=8-1&keywords=dbt+workbook (It was actually developed to treat people with BPD!)
  
• Frequent short phone calls with "I have to go now" as soon as she crosses any boundaries. Slow-paced training is working!
  
• I've been talking with my son about boundaries ("we only touch others how they want to be touched," "we don't hit/pinch/bite even when we're angry") and that grown-ups make their own happiness but that Grandma forgot how to make herself happy. I hope this works.

You know, I can't even take credit for that statement.

After I was finally willing to admit my childhood sexual abuse experience to my therapist, I found a book called The Courage to Heal, which, besides being amazing, has a section in it about the "I should've protected myself" narrative.

It is very easy for us to believe that we, as young children, could have (and should have!) done something to prevent or stop what happened to us. To drive home the point that adults are responsible for choosing their behaviors, the book describes a scenario, something like "Imagine your 16 year-old daughter walked into the living room where you were watching TV and took off all of her clothes and propositioned you." It then says that even if THIS happened, it is STILL 100% on the adult NOT TO MOLEST HIS DAUGHTER.

In fact, the healthy parental response to this is to hand your daughter a blanket to cover herself and then to be concerned about what has happened to cause her to behave in such an inappropriate way, and to find professional support for her if needed.

The point was that if this scenario is on the adult, then EVERY scenario is on the adult. A 2 year-old is supposed to protect herself? Total bullshit.

So yeah. I wish I could take credit for that statement. But it's a really good book.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having flashbacks, that sounds like an incredibly intense experience. And I'm sorry to hear that reaching out and asking for support backfired. If that had happened to me at your age, I just would have never talked to the counselor again. Where I'm at now, I'd probably go back and clarify that my mother was abusive, if I thought that the counselor would "get it." (There's plenty of shitty therapists in the world, same as in any profession, and unfortunately, you're stuck with whoever the school hired.)

A year in an abusive household can be an eternity. I remember being 17. But I did get out. It hasn't always been easy, but it has always, always been worth it. And my life has been pretty amazing since then. I've gotten to go places and do things that I never thought I'd be able to. I've met and connected with people who also have their own unique backgrounds, and their own fire for life.

I don't know how much your mom monitors your phone, but if she doesn't check the phone numbers on the phone bill (Mine did - she had zero hobbies) or if you have access to a burner phone, you might consider calling a hotline for support in the future. Unlike your school counsellor, the hotline people won't talk to your mom.

If you haven't read Becoming The Narcissist's Nightmare I highly recommend it. It might be helpful for dealing with her while you still live at home. (Kindle or maybe don't bring it into the house, though.)

Is there some "safe" activity that your Nmom can't really say no to that would get you out from under her supervision more? Volunteering? Doing some boring task for her? (Even if you aren't supervised, ten bucks says that she'll be tempted to take you up on it on account of laziness.)

It will get better. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Keep the faith!

Ugh, I wrote this whole post for you and then it didn't post!!!

I'll try to recap. FYI I have two sons, only child of an Nmom & Edad.

1. I think it's clear your son trusts you. You're doing something right.
   
   
2. It's a struggle for us ACoNs to know if we're doing a good job being parents, and I think that especially as golden children we have a hard time being critical. My parents say the same thing about me, how "good" I was and how I entertained myself. Um, I was good because if I wasn't, you didn't love me. But that's a digression. I would recommend checking out a few things about positive parenting. Two resources: this is THE book on positive parenting, recommended by the woman we took some parenting workshops with and my p-doc. http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
   
   Other resource: parentingbydrrene.com
   
   These two resources will walk you through what it looks like to have empathy for your kid. So when they're acting out, start with their emotional state. Acknowledge & recognize their emotions. Then you can offer them choices, ways to figure out how to solve their own problem. This is EXACTLY what we never received as kids - and let me tell you, when you get it right it feels very healing to be able to be that parent that you know you never had. My kids feel comfortable telling me that I'm annoying, they hate me, or whatever.
   
   Final thought - the three things that we, as parents, need to provide are simple. Structure, autonomy, and warmth. Often we had as children a lack of structure (we never knew what the reaction of our Nparents was going to be), a total lack of autonomy since we were just an extension of our Nparent, and warmth but only when the Nparent felt like it. You're asking the right questions. You're gonna be great. <3

My therapist works with the method also described in this book https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=15U7E1FOU8Y2U&keywords=self+therapy+jay+earley&qid=1554523698&s=gateway&sprefix=self+th&sr=8-1

For me it is really helpful, especially because it focuses on solution and not on the problems.

Give it a try, perhaps the book is even enough for you, or then you know what kind of therapist can help you. And in the worst case you spent 17$ for nothing.

It took me 42 years to realise, that I can feel better. And seeing some success is a huge motivation for me to continue.
I have half of my life behind me, so at least I want to have the second half of my life a good life. I f...ing deserve it. And so do you, I hope you reach this goal faster than I did.

It's so absurd and if you aren't in therapy people just say you're not trying hard enough or don't really want to get better, like being a victim, etc. Fuck 'em. They have no idea what's going on or what it's like.

 

I love therapy books now, haha. I hated the idea of self help but these aren't selling anything, they're fairly clinical approaches and written by actual health professionals, not gurus or 'personalities.'

 

Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward

 

Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw

 

Healing the Incest Wound by Christine B. Courtois This one is pretty good but the language focuses heavily on father/daughter incest which is limiting, unfortunately.

 

The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker Don't let the full title mislead you, it's absolutely not about forgiving your parents, it's about learning to accept the shitty feelings that linger even after treatment.

 

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker A life changing book, really. I'm particularly fond of Pete Walker because he is a therapist AND an abuse survivor himself so he's not just talking from the ivory tower, he's been through it and the compassion and empathy he has for other survivors is evident in his writing.

For me, reparenting myself helped alot. By this I mean countering the Nparent's messages that infect my thoughts. So if I make a mistake, I tell myself, 'no big deal. I'm human and imperfect, so I'm allowed to make mistakes.' Then I do my best to recover from mistakes. Another example would be the case where someone disapproves of something I said or did. No big deal. Not everyone will like me. Not everyone must approve of me at all times. Mistakes, just like disapproval, are not the end of the world. These thoughts completely contradict the messages I received from my Nfather. To counteract thoughts of worthlessness, I tell myself, "I'm not the best person in the world, but I'm not the worse person either.'

I think a big part of recovery, especially from a sense of worthlessness, is engagement with other normal people. Being treated as normal and being treated just like anyone else can go far to undo the treatment we experienced from narcissists.

It's also helpful to understand what a narcissist parent really means. It means there is nothing wrong with you. There never was. The problem was always the NPD of the parent. It takes awhile to fully integrate this so that you breathe it every moment though.

If you can't afford therapy (I highly recommend therapy for ACONs), you might look into a book titled Children of the Self-Absorbed, written by Nina W. Brown. The reason I suggest it is because it is a workbook of sorts, with exercises that might be helpful to you in working through this stuff.

You're awesome! I love this sub too it makes it feel like I'm not alone. Going through all these past things in order to heal yourself can get really lonely and exhausting sometimes. :) It makes it feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Here's some stuff that really helped get started in recognizing my internalized shame and made me feel more hopeful about things, maybe some of it will be helpful to you too! :

on vulnerability

on shame

[and her book]
(http://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1457589080&sr=8-2&keywords=brene+brown+imperfect) that I just started reading, give it a shot if you like her TED talks.

The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist is on my reading list. I haven't read it yet, but the reviews look great.

I have read The Journey and Healing from Hidden Abuse both of which touch on covert narcissism. The latter is a little bit more about romantic relationships but still has really good insights in it.

Hi, this is my first time posting in this group. First I want to say I’m sorry you feel this way and I have been there too.

Have you seen a therapist? I’ve been seeing a therapist and doing EMDR therapy since November and I can’t even tell you how much progress I’ve made in gaining self-esteem. Here is more info about EMDR if you are unfamiliar with it: EMDR Institute.

Another thing that greatly helped me were Pete Walker’s books, especially Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. His other book, the Tao of Fully Feeling is wonderful as well.

The other thing that’s helped me has been developing and sticking to a daily exercise routine, proper nutrition, sleep, and cutting out booze/addictive behaviors.

I know that may sound preachy, but adopting these self-care practices along with the therapy have completely changed my life.

If this all sounds overwhelming, just at least check out Complex PTSD .

I hope you can find something here to help you!

You're absolutely welcome. I would recommend Self Therapy by Jay Earley. There is also a work book you can do! I'd highly recommend YNAB (You Need a Budget) which is a book and budgeting software. I'm 23 and going through this, if I was 18, I'd do things so differently, and it would start with self knowledge (through the self therapy book) and financial responsibility.


I want to make a point here: I had $10,000+ saved up by the time I was 19. I thought of myself as responsible, which I was at the time, I didn't eat out much, didn't buy many things I didn't need, and so forth. But because I lacked the self knowledge (if you don't know yourself, you can make some stupid decisions like buying things for social status, moving out because you are full of more rage than you are full of planning, etc.) and because I didn't know how to make a budget, I shot myself in the foot.


Do you think it would be possible to order those books (assuming you want them)? I'd be worried about your parents opening the packages. However, Amazon lets you order books to a location that isn't your address (basically they are lockers where your package is delivered, usually somewhere safe like outside a Bank)


I don't know to what extent your parents try to control you, examine your purchases, etc. but do you think you could get access to books like those (again doesn't have to be those specifically) so that you can help yourself heal?

First thing: just basically do the opposite of what your parents did. :D

Seriously though, that's basically the gist of it. My parents were completely irresponsible. Mother was a total narcissist, and my father was not really qualified to be one. I only learned from them what not to do.

Also read as much as you can on the internet. There are tons of blogs and stuff about child-raising theories. Don't treat anything like the gospel, but it should give you ideas as to what is "normal".

I especially recommend this (hilarious) book you can get on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Traumatize-Your-Children-Deliberately/dp/1601063091/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487707694&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+traumatize+your+children

Basically this is your opportunity to treat your kids the way you wish your parents had treated you. I had a truly horrible mother (with whom I am no-contact), and now have 3 young girls who appear to be growing up very well adjusted. As long as you are aware that it was your parents, not you, who were at fault then you are on the right path to avoid being like them.

So your inner child is your wounded inner self. It became wounded in childhood. The part of you that feels insecure, shameful, like there is something wrong with you and everyone will find out, unlovable, etc. The basic idea behind inner child work is that you learn to have compassion and understanding for your inner child (self) and what he/she has been through, and you learn to act as your own "loving parent". The goal is to replace the old programming or "critical parent" inner voice with a "loving parent" inner voice and to talk to and treat your inner child (your self) with love and care and compassion, both by your inner self-talk and the actions you take on their (your) behalf - boundaries, self-care etc.

In addiction to Whitfield's book

(http://www.amazon.com/Healing-The-Child-Within-Dysfunctional/dp/0932194400/ref=pd_sim_14_3?ie=UTF8&dpID=51M-jqFC1vL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR103%2C160_&refRID=1R0YEATS89PW6Q6681BP)

that I mentioned in my first post, there is also this excellent book:

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Your-Aloneness-Finding-Wholeness/dp/0062501496

Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.

If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.

It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.

Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.

It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.

If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).

Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.

Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Will-Set-You-Free/dp/0465045855[2]

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693[3]

Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love http://www.freedomainradio.com/free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf

On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion http://board.freedomainradio.com/blogs/freedomain/archive/2008/09/11/book-on-truth-the-tyranny-of-illusion.aspx

Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881

Playful Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865

Unconditional Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves http://www.naomialdort.com/book.html

Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939

The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966

What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252

Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/0865715823

Connection Parenting http://connectionparenting.com/connection-parenting-book.html

That’s great you’re getting in touch with your gut instincts and recognize they’re there for a reason. It sounds like you’ve suppressed a lot of your true self, voice and thus anger due to your parents. For me it wasn’t until I distanced myself from my parents and started working on myself, journaling, reading books, blogs and watching videos on narcissistic abuse where I got in touch with a lot of my anger. It’s almost like you need to distance yourself first before you can start seeing anything clearly. Educating myself on narcissistic abuse helped me get angry as well.

How much in contact are you with your parents currently? Do you have a spouse that is supportive?

I don’t know specifically what will work for you but I’ll share what worked for me.

What worked for me was to go LC, VLC then eventually transition to NC (instead of NC cold turkey). VLC gave me enough distance to realize that even having minimal contact with my parents was exhausting and stressful. I still had anxiety because they were still in my life and even though it was minimal contact I could not get peace of mind.

I didn’t get in touch with my anger until about 6-7 months into VLC when I began educating myself on narcissistic abuse, reading books and blogs, etc. The distance from VLC gave me some space to be angry without backlash and reflect on my abuse (something my parents would never allow) which gave me the strength to finally go NC. It’s almost like you’re mentally chained when in contact with toxic parents and you need the distance to help break the bondage.

If you’re the scapegoat then reading about that and journaling about your own experience can help you get in touch with your anger as well. Maybe a validating therapist who is trauma trained and knows about narcissistic abuse will help you as well. Make sure they’re validating though as many therapists are not.

A couple resources that helped:

The book that started the NC journey for me was “The Christian’s Guide to No Contact.” This helped me work through my guilt (which you can imagine Christians who cut their parents out of their lives feel) tremendously. I’ve heard many non-Christian’s and atheists find the book helpful too. Here is a link to the book: The Christian's Guide to No Contact: How to End Your Relationships With Narcissistic, Psychopathic, and Abusive Family and Friends, and Still be a Good Christian https://www.amazon.com/dp/1546336664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_41bQAbNC5Y6J7

She also has a blog “Luke 17:3 Ministries” that has helpful info on NC. It’s not visually the best but the content is pretty good http://www.luke173ministries.org/

Shahida Arabi’s blog “Self-Care Haven” and books on narcissistic abuse helped me as well. When you learn about their manipulation tactics it’s almost hard not to get angry. I enjoyed the book “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare.”

YouTube channels like Narcissism Survivor are good too. Here’s a video on narcissistic grandparents: https://youtu.be/t7RIl4SyFP

I’m not sure what will work for you and I can’t pinpoint exactly how I got back in touch with my anger, but I hope the above resources are helpful to you. For me it really was going NC where I started finally getting my self-respect back which also gave me strength to make wiser decisions for myself instead of putting others’ needs before my own. There are a lot of lies we believe when we’re in relationship with toxic people, and separating ourselves first is sometimes the best way to see the truth.

Sure. This book gave me a better grip on the mechanics of my response to intimacy:

https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255

and this book gave me an overview of its forces:

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Child-Within-Discovery-Dysfunctional/dp/0932194400

I hope this helps :-)

Bill Eddy has a great book called "Splitting," about divorcing people with personality disorders. His website also has useful information.

I started by reading books and going to therapy, where I re-learned a lot of self-confidence. If You Had Controlling Parents was one off the top of my head that helped me out a lot. There's a RBN Book Sub in the sidebar that has links to other recommended books. I think the most important part for me was to keep reminding myself that my past does not define my future. I still have worthless days, and that's okay. I've learned to feel my feels and move on. Lurking or commenting in this sub helps. So thanks. ;)

On the topic of self-love, totally recommend this book. I've only just started it though, but I'm very impressed.

For what it's worth, I found Children of the Self-Absorbed to be very helpful in terms of practical, LC tips.

I'd avoid being "right" or "wrong". Usually these blow ups are not triggered by the particular event but by what the child feels (rightly or wrongly) to be a pattern of irresponsibility.

If you can, see if you can get to the root of the issue. There's a very good book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
that outlines a lot of strategies to open communication channels between parents and children.

I am not a Christian, but heard about this book recently: https://www.amazon.com/Christians-Guide-Contact-Relationships-Narcissistic/dp/1546336664
Maybe it can help?

Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself is very good.

https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Narcissists-Nightmare-Narcissist-Supplying/dp/152370246X/

Here's the Amazon link for anyone who needs it. :)

Here's the book where that link was taken from:
https://www.amazon.com/If-You-Had-Controlling-Parents/dp/0060929324/controllingparen/ref=as_at?creativeASIN=0060929324&linkCode=w61&imprToken=gVvTosQiZQP5.fxjBeGXXA&slotNum=0

For some reason, your post reminds me of this.

And the .co.uk link

Thank you for writing this.You should write this in a review for her stupid book on Amazon.

Check out this book! Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Talks about the necessity of documenting everything, doing stuff in front of witnesses, the inevitability of them turning mean and how to deal with that, etc.

http://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_2/178-0859577-1234539?ie=UTF8&qid=1395119062&sr=8-2&keywords=divorcing+a+narcissist

OP, your experience reminds me of something similar. When I was pregnant (and had been NC with Nmom for about 4 years at that point) someone gave my ex husband and I this book as a joke. Everyone laughed at it while reading sections out loud reacting with comments of "who would actually do this stuff!?"

I wasn't laughing. All the things they read were things that had happened to me as a child. The really embarrassing part is that I didn't know that those things were considered ways to traumatize a child until that book.

I had just posted about her over at r/narcsinthewild.

She wrote a book Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children

It gets a grade of "F" for having ~90% fake reviews. It's also kinda funny (and very narc-ish) that many of the 1 and 2 star reviews complain of the cheap quality (paper and ink that smears) of the book itself.

She knows what she's doing. I was just reading Healing from Hidden Abuse yesterday, and the author says that survivors need to get beyond that nagging doubt that abusers don't know or are "dumb" about their involvement. It's too easy to stay attached to them because there's that hope that they'll understand. When you think about how much effort it takes to be duplicitous, backstabbing, triangulating, etc... the author points out that this is not the work of someone dumb!

Even if she is just a flying monkey / golden child, her participation is necessary to keep the narcissist's work afloat. She won't understand. I'm saying this as someone who tried to get my siblings to see the light for three and half decades. It only got worse with time.

An example from my life... would be overhearing my narcissist father telling my sister on the phone that "we all know what she's like" (referring to me) and "she's been on a long decline and needs therapy" or apparently telling my brother behind my back that I "need therapy." Is it any wonder that my enabler brother and golden-child sister take his side?

I am so sorry for what you had to endure. That is terrible.

I am really sorry to tell you this, but you were molested. I'm not sure where you are in coming to terms with that, but this writing makes it very clear. And in your mind, it may be "when there's nothing sexual here", but to a reader, it seems highly sexual. Molestation and sexual abuse perpetrated by women often show women using enema's as a form of abuse based on how receiving an enema has similarities to anal sex. And, if there was nothing sexual, you would not have had to be stripped. Biting a child, or a teen, there may be some gray area of your mom not knowing what she was doing or not understanding the harm she caused, but the enema stuff shows she knew it was wrong, and did it anyway. I am so sorry.

As a social worker for several years, I can say the confusion you are going through is totally normal. Talking about it at all takes a lot of courage.

I'd suggest seeing a therapist, or calling a hotline. If talking about it feels like too much at this point, maybe I can suggest a book? Check out "The courage to heal" by Helen Bass. It helped me, and I recommend it to my clients often. You can buy it on amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=63C109BZN8PZYHFD8GVT

Can't diagnose, but your dad is identical to my ndad in all the actions you shared. In any case, all the action you described are "verbal abuse." I read this book recently, [Verbally Abusive Relationship] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Recognize/dp/1558505822), and it helped identify the behavior. Reading that book or looking up verbal abuse can maybe help you figure out how to handle their abusive behaviors.

> Simply put, I don't understand the use of "empathy and compassion" in the context of #16 in the article. I would love if anyone, or you sethra007, could provide examples!

Well, I think of some of the behaviors that you see associated with the Honeymoon Period of the classic Domestic Violence Cycle of Abuse. The abuser tries to win your compassion and empathy by claiming that their actions are due to stress or loss of control, or their own abuse, or any number of things. They basically throw themselves a pity party to excuse what they've done/are doing, and promise to do better.

In his book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft wrote about an abused woman he was seeing in therapy. She was explaining the latest abuse incident, where her partner smashed up a bunch of stuff in their house. As she was describing the incident, she made excuses for her abuser, talking about how he get so upset he just lose control sometimes.

So Bancroft asked her: When he gets this upset, who's stuff gets destroyed? Does he just destroy anything he can get his hands on?

She was quiet for quite some time. Then she admitted that she'd never really thought about it, but now that she did? He only ever broke her things. Never anyone else's, and certainly not his stuff. Just hers. Bancroft of course pointed out that if her abuser had genuinely "lost control", he would've been a lot more indiscriminate in what he destroyed.

The abuser, of course, had apologized to the woman and then proceeded to sell her a bill of goods about why he did what he did, claiming to be a victim in his own way in order to get her sympathy. That's why she was excusing his actions. It wasn't until Bancroft pointed out the premeditated action of him breaking only her things that she realized that she was being manipulated.

This is classic abuser behavior. Intimidate the victim, isolate them, even discredit them by lying about their behavior and mental state (i.e., child "is so dramatic", "exaggerates", "lies", "is abusive to parent", "is mentally ill", "is on drugs").

I see you are trying to wrap your head around how your NDad can be the way he is-- I recommend you read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 It's addressed to partners of abusive men, but applies to abusive parents as well.

"His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems." Library Journal from an Amazon review

"One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs," another review quoting from the book

If it is not safe for you to order the book, you can still browse through the 1300+ customer reviews, search the author and title for internet content on the topic, and maybe look for it at a library.