(Part 3) Best conflict management books according to redditors
We found 1,351 Reddit comments discussing the best conflict management books. We ranked the 186 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 41-60. You can also go back to the previous section.
I just wanted to recommend this book I recently read that helped me a lot. Might help you too, if your parents were abusive narcissists that made you feel like this article describes. Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self
There's a fantastic book called Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber. Check your library, it is a fantastic book with advice for many different ages.
Accept that you are going to make mistakes and embarrass yourself. It sucks every time but learn from your mistakes and keep putting yourself out there. But you just have to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Also, I read some self help books on some areas that I knew I was weak in. Like I used to be really bad about sticking up for myself and telling someone when I felt they were out of line because I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. So I bought [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/Assertiveness-Stand-Yourself-Respect-Others-ebook/dp/B006B96NDM/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1493838086&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+stand+up+for+yourself) and it made a huge difference.
Are you always worried about what everyone thinks about you? The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck made huge difference for me. Reflect on yourself and find your weak spots. Also maybe check out /r/selfimprovement if you haven't already.
Social Justice Warriors Always Lie: Taking Down The Thought Police by Vox Day <== A really important work
Propaganda by Edward Bernays
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini
SJW attack survival guide drawing on the work of Vox Day
How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable: Getting Your Point Across with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
Google "verbal self defense" and a lot will pop up, if you are talking about 1-on-1 and small group contexts.
Google "influence" or "persuasion" or "propaganda" or "social change" if you are talking about large groups or society as a whole.
Therapy takes awhile, and sometimes it is unfortunate but true that it gets worse before it gets better. The good news is that at six you guys have a real shot at getting a handle on this.
I would ask the therapist for some suggestions for dealing with her at home, and do some reading to find techniques to help. I have seen The Explosive Child recommended here by several people now, perhaps it will have some advice for you that can help. I'd also look for books that directly address ODD as /u/mamaleficent suggested. My DS25 was diagnosed with ODD as a teenager and much of what your SD is doing is similar to what he was doing at her age.
Good luck and many hugs your way! Dealing with a child like this is hell, and it's compounded when dealing with a blended family.
I had a long response written, but my browser crashed and ate it.
Write down all the times this has happened, THEN go to your union rep.
Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Verbal-Judo-Gentle-Art-Persuasion-ebook/dp/B003YCOOJY
It's geared for law enforcement, but it is a great resource for how to handle conflict communication and maintain a level of unflappibility.
Married more than 25 years FWIW.
When my wife and I got into a really unhealthy place (destructive pattern of avoidance and anger / resentment) I finally called her on it. I told her that we had to do something else or we were going to end. One of the hardest conversations I had ever had. The book Divorce Busting really helped. I read it in less than a day, had the tools to talk and after I gave it to her to read.
Bad relationship patterns can be broken and it only takes one partner to do it. Doing something different when you are in that pattern necessitates a different response from your partner. Keep breaking the pattern and telling (and showing) her that you love her and want to do the work to stay married and happy.
Good luck
That sort of toxicity has permeated pretty much all discourse in the US. Everything about politics, race, sex, sexuality and equality. Much of it comes from alienation, much from lack of exposure to other viewpoints. The end result is that people tend to use inflammatory language to denigrate opponents. I could write a long essay about this sort of issue, and folks have written whole books on the subject.
A lot of the issue is lack of empathy for "the other side". If they aren't human, then it doesn't matter how they get treated/killed. This is one of the first things done in warfare - dehumanize the enemy. You can see it when the media has such intense coverage about beheadings in Syria or the riots in Ferguson - the intent of the media is to make the audience feel that those people are rabid animals who have to be put down. No coverage of how they got there, why the folks do what they do, nothing about their families - just horrible coverage to inflame the audience to support overwhelming and crushing violence against them.
> actually addressing the issues and engaging in good-faith discussions
To begin with, not everyone agrees that X is a problem, let alone that it should be "fixed". Or even that it is a bad thing. You can see that in the political debates over global warming.
Some books on having intelligent conversations (in no particular order) include:
Believing Bullshit: How Not to Get Sucked into an Intellectual Black Hole. Helps identify BS in conversation/debates.
The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion. Explains how different people come to different political philosophies based on their values.
How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable. The author has written a number of books with "gentle art of verbal self defense" in the title. Most are about how to identify verbal attacks and to side-step them.
Nonsense: Red Herrings, Straw Men and Sacred Cows: How We Abuse Logic in Our Everyday Language. Gives lots of examples of bad rhetoric.
Wie man mit Fundamentalisten diskutiert, ohne den Verstand zu verlieren. How to have a discussion with a fundamentalist without losing your mind. In German, I think I should do a translation of the book.
The formal subject of making arguments to convince others used to be called rhetoric. And it has been taught since the days of Plato and Aristotle.
Many of us on this sub have been in a situation like yours and we're familiar with the sense of hopelessness that can come from repeatedly failing to control our anger. But you've already done something really important -- you've acknowledged that you're responsible for your anger and you've reached out for help. That's critical. The next step takes a little bit more work.
If you haven't looked into anger management before, here's some general info and advice, as well as links to more in-depth content. If therapy doesn't seem like a reasonable option, an online anger management course or reading a book on the topic could be a good place to start. And the lifestyle stuff can be really important -- enough sleep, regular physical activity, a decent diet, a hobby that relieves stress -- but you'll still want to find a therapeutic approach that works for you.
I personally struggled with anger for years and eventually found therapeutic success with anger journaling and meditation. Both helped me become more aware of my anger and the journaling gave me a fuller understanding of my triggers and enough awareness to more effectively defuse my anger when triggered.
I know you probably think that your anger just comes on too fast for you to apply some sort of technique, and once it has its grips on you anything you try will be worthless. I used to think that too. Fortunately, journaling about the outbursts after the fact actually made me more sensitive to my anger so I could gain that crucial moment to pause before reacting. You may also find a relaxation technique could make you more aware of when the tension is building in certain circumstances or when you're not feeling your best.
It might also be helpful to share what you're doing with your bf and make sure he understands that you're committed to improving, but maybe there are things he could do to help you notice when you're starting to lose it. That can be tricky because when we're getting angry we don't like our partners to tell us that we need to calm down or take a break -- that can feel demeaning -- but talking about an outburst after the fact, once you've calmed down -- even via text or email -- can be a way to hold yourself accountable. I became quite good at heartfelt apologies en route to gaining greater control over my anger habit.
Whatever approach you choose, it's all about patience and consistency. You may not see dramatic changes right away, and some future outbursts are probably inevitable. But when we put in that little bit of time, energy and attention each day, we can develop a new and better way of reacting to our old triggers and avoid developing new ones.
I've been in your situation before. If you're ready to get better, it's entirely doable. I'm wishing you all the best with your process and don't hesitate to ask for more info or clarification.
> He used to make me feel amazing. I loved every moment we spent together.
> He's like a different person...
My ex was like this and I could write a book on it, but here are some books other people have written that have helped me:
Since you were raised by an N, then a lot of the codependency books like "Codependency No More" and "Women Who Love Too Much" might be helpful too. It seems like you're working hard to get him all this help, but all you can really do is help yourself. If he's highly N, you'll probably have a hard time with him going to therapy and sticking with it and everything else but I'm not sure that's really the best place for you to focus. Only he can choose to get help and stick with it.
I also made a post with a list of N traits from the book Disarming The Narcissist. My ex (and mother of course) possessed high degrees of all thirteen traits. Dealing with my ex was hell on Earth and I'm still recovering two years later, so if I don't seem very optimistic that's why. We always seem to want to see the best in people, and it's VERY hard to reconcile that a person who can be so sweet, loving, kind, caring, etc. can also be a liar, cheater and an overall shitty person. Ns can really weave a "reality distortion field" and so can we, because it's SO painful to see the truth sometimes. It's an up and down roller coaster ride that is VERY addicting.
The person you fell in love with may have only been one aspect of his total personality. My old therapist used to tell me to look at the big picture. I would "split" my ex so that I would PINE after the sweet, loving person she could be, and ignore the terror she could also be. Everyone is capable of EVERYTHING, especially people who claim they're "not like that." Actions are meaningful, not words. My ex's actions painted a much different picture than her words.
Anyway, good luck with everything.
A few that make the rounds of recommendation pretty frequently are:
The Surrendered Single, by Laura Doyle
The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle
Fascinating Womanhood, by Helen Andelin
I'm also personally drawn to books about social etiquette, and quite enjoy Eleanor Roosevelt's Book of Common Sense Etiquette, as well as the classic wisdom of Emily Post.
Oh! I also see Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus mentioned quite frequently, though it hasn't climbed to the top of my reading list just yet.
Disclaimer I haven't read the 19th edition of Emily Post's Etiquette, so I can't endorse that specific work, but it was written by her great-great-granddaughter Lizzie, who does her best to carry on the matriarch's wisdom.
I can't say whether or not you have PPD, but I can say that the husband issue is a recurring theme in all forums I'm a part of. It seems that the mom/dad dynamic just doesn't work out the way we assume or envision. My husband does the same thing as yours... He works "so hard all day" and wants to "relax" when he gets home. 'Cause I haven't worked all day or anything. He spends time on the couch watching youtube videos while I'm taking care of all the things. I have been trying to break the habit by giving Audrey to him to feed in the evenings. If he's going to watch tv, then he might as well be helping me/her at the same time. I'm still waiting for the clean dishes in the dishwasher to be unloaded, meanwhile the dirty dishes are piling up on the counter but I refuse to do literally everything. One of his tasks at the end of the night before he goes to bed is to put the changing pad on the couch so I don't have to handle it while holding Audrey at 3am, 4am, 5am (whatever time she wakes up). He probably manages to remember 3-4 times a week, despite it being right there next to the couch.
My point is that you're not alone in your frustration. There's an assumption that the mom is the one that handles everything, including baby. It's hard to break that mentality in people. Someone recommended How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids (it might have been you!), and I plan to check that out from the library if I ever have time to read! I'm glad yesterday was better and you got some good sleep.
I am now much calmer and patient with people in general and in particular my two kids. In the beginning though, for the first couple of weeks of my sobriety every little gesture was rage-inducing. Everything was annoying, irritating, and stupid. My then I learned to take control of my own emotions and responses — I realized that in the end, it's not the people who are irritating, it's my responses and perception of them; once I realized that, I cooled down greatly.
I just found that analyzing situation helped me - instead of focusing on my rage, I look at what is making me mad and try to figure out what exactly is happening.
99% of the times, it's because I have a problem with it because I want to control the situation. I was a big control freak and wanted things done my way, wanted people to walk faster in front of me, I wanted that cashier to stop being so fucking smiley and stop asking me how my day was, because I wanted her to be faster, so that I could get the hell out of the store. I wanted dishes done right away, wanted my kids to listen when I talk, wanted the customer service rep to give me that discount, so many things I wanted my way. And then I chilled the fuck out, because it's not about me and what I want. It's about how I perceive things that are happening to me and how I react to them. Sure I can want things, and so now when they do happen my way, I am much happier then I was before when I had to fight for it.
I learned that thinking should is wrong, because should implies control. He should do it this way, she should have said this, they should understand... Now I just let things happen and take control of me, myself and my feelings, emotions, reactions.
In your case, you have bunch of people that try to pry perks out of you. Well, it doesn't hurt to try and they can do that till they are blue in the face; but they shouldn't stop doing what they are doing, because they are just people, trying to get through life, doing what they what want to be doing.
One of the books I will recommend, even if you don't have kids, is Screamfree parenting. It helped me chill out a great deal and taught me that trying to control children without being in control of my own emotions is a ridiculous concept. I highly recommend reading it, because I am sure customers in a lot of way are like children - throwing tantrums to get what they want.
All the best!
There are a few popular versions of the LEAPS acronym for de-escalation. My personal favorite is:
Also popular is HEAT:
If you make a mistake and the problem escalates, use corrective action AAA:
Things to remember about YOU:
Things to remember about the aggressor:
“A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:1
Bonus material:
ConCom: Conflict Communication by rory miller
verbal Judo by George Thompson
That does sound awful, I’m sorry. Kids challenge us emotionally some days. My son wasn’t aggressive toward me but he was being aggressive toward other kids at times (he’s two). We’ve been following conscious discipline since taking a series of parenting classes at my son’s preschool and it’s been really helpful in taming some of his tantrums. I’d definitely recommend it! Here’s one of the first books: Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060007753/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ENLXCbG6JN6NK
One of the main things is reflecting their feelings back to them (and naming them) and showing empathy but still holding the limit. It helps them feel understood and defuses the power struggle. Modeling calm as best we can. And tagging out when we can’t. Granted we still have our moments, especially when in a rush or overtired/hungry etc but overall it’s been a huge help.
Siblings Without Rivalry explains why this is often the case.
A little arm-chair psychology for ya: I think there is insecurity that comes into play as children begin to grow aware of themselves and others. They don't trust their acceptance as readily as they did as infants and begin to engage in a battle to prove their value. For siblings, a big part of that battle entails challenging a siblings standing. There's often very little animosity behind the cruel things that siblings do to one another. Siblings don't generally want to do harm, rather they're motivated by a desire to be most acceptable/revered/loved.
Personally, I find time spent one-on-one with each of my children goes furthest toward preventing sibling spats. Pro-actively engaging in reassuring my children individually of my love and acceptance for them seems to stem their desire to fight for it.
This book is helping me. https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/B01HC46MJ4
My Mom is narcissistic in the same way. As was my Dad, sadly. But she would never admit it. It's like because they had a child young, they had to tell themselves this story about how great we would be to justify their sacrifice. Then, if there is any sort of change or issue, or you do something they don't want, you have ruined their life, or you're just not worthy.
I highly recommend that book......and some therapy. Much love to you!
Try Custody Chaos, Personal Peace which is also in our resources. It's intended for the bio parent, not the stepparent.
I haven't read it yet, but Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex might be right up his alley also.
I am pro-therapy, as I've mentioned here many times. But one of the downsides is we really do have to be advocates for ourselves and keep our therapist on point. If we know we have clear anger management and depression or anxiety issues, we have make sure every visit our therapist addresses these issues and not let the conversation go on a half hour tangent and treat our real issues as a last minute afterthought.
Whether you have clinical depression or not is ultimately up to the therapist’s diagnosis. But it’s still unfortunate they were not able to give you better advice and guidance that could have possibly helped you prevent getting into trouble at work by simply teaching you how to communicate better with your co-workers.
I advise taking charge and changing therapists if they don't help you consistently address your most prominent issues. Just say thanks, this will be my last visit. If that's too confrontational, schedule a new one while you're in the office but as soon as you can schedule a first visit with a new therapist, then call and cancel with your old one and say you are trying someone new. Seriously whatever it takes to get to a new one. They won't be offended.
Here is a way to take matters into your own hands and have more control over your treatment. So a way to keep your treatment, healing and learning on track is to get a notebook or journal, even Google Docs, and start writing what is bothering you and how you might be abel to deal with it better. Here is a method for keeping a thought diary for anxiety specifically, but it works for any strong emotion. Here's another format in case you like more structure (like I do!), this one is a PTSD worksheet. You can cross out PTSD and write anger, depression, whatever the case may be, the approach is very similar. You can print out 20 copies and have them in your desk ready for you and just go through it when you have an anger episode. Or you can use it as a guide and write your own column headers in your notebook/journal to suit your needs. That's actually what I do. I have a minimized version.
Every time you get angry, sit down for five minutes and write out what happened. Then take a few minutes to see if you could do 2 things. 1. find a way to anticipate your anger so you can take action sooner next time. 2. Find a way you can respond better next time. The links above help with exactly this but I thought it worth mentioning the goal of all of this.
Don’t be hard on yourself. Getting mad at yourself when these thigns happen just makes the anger and anguish last longer. I know it’s cliche but treat it as a learning experience. And that’s actually harder than it sounds, which is why you want to conserve your energy when it happens and not waste it raging about it. Sit down and start writing. That’s the discipline. You know yourself better than anyone else. So you are the best person to diagnose what happened, when exactly you got pissed off and what perspective you might have used to work better in the moment.
If you are best as someone’s wingman, stay at that level. But if you desire to be team lead again and to have a team under you, take a classes in management, project management, Six Sigma, team building and team communication. Anything that will help you put a framework on the problem. Here are some books I would suggest.
Difficult Conversations
Anger Management for Dummies
Take Charge of Your Life
The Art of Living
Hope some of this helps!
You're not crazy. I don't mean to come across as abrasive in my post, and I can understand how it might be taken that way.
Short point of what I am trying to get at: I get it. I understand how you feel. LDR is hard. I never want to go through it again. I don't think I could have gone on any longer than I already did. It was these things that we are talking about that made it the hardest for me in our LDR timeline, so to speak.
I just think maybe you guys should talk about this issue instead. There is only so much advice us idiots on reddit can give that will actually help, and I will be the first to admit that. I think the way you are expressing your concerns here can be the same way you talk about it with him. Hell, you could maybe even bring up some of the stuff we are talking about and see if he feels that way. We don't know your boyfriend.
As for what my fiancee needed, I'm not sure what you are trying to ask. Are you asking if I tried to meet her needs too? I tried to meet them as best as I could, but I also had to keep my own mental/emotional health in check too. We eventually got better and got to a point where our communication got better. I made a certain time of the night where I would stop talking and she went to bed and I stayed up playing video games/watching TV/played on reddit.
I suggest both of you read this book or at least something like it. It seems to me that communication is a weak point for both of you and you both need to find a solution to fix some of that.
123 Magic is a good book that discusses many options besides spanking for discipline.
I wouldn't mind hearing an argument for libertarian spanking b/c it seems that the same argument used against state violence would apply to children. Most would same children are different and they just don't understand without a firm hand just as a state could say.
I’m actually reading this - https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0965967212/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_0965967212
and have just finished this https://www.amazon.com/Theres-More-Quitting-Drinking-Than/dp/0965967204
Both written by Dr Paul O who originally came up with this.
So timely for me. Thanks for sharing.
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0671797255
There are absolutely “good ways” and ”bad ways“ to deliver any piece of news, so yes, I think it can work. Like you say, your nex is completely unaccountable anyway. He is literally incapable of hearing you if you tell him you’re divorcing him because of his own bad behavior, so why bother telling him the truth? You’ll only feel worse when he dismisses your feelings and uses them against you.
I just clicked through a link in another comment thread to a book called MAGIC WORDS: How To Get What You Want From A Narcissist.The author is divorced from her nex, and since they were coparents, she couldn’t go No Contact. She learned how to use her background as a marketing and advertising executive to communicate with her nex. It’s a workbook that treats communications with your narc as an ad campaign, which it more or less is, because all “communication” with a narc is transactional.
My narc and I have been legally separated for 3.5 years. I approached him about finalizing the divorce more than two years ago, and since then, he’s dragged his feet about the paperwork, and then gaslit me about it. I finally got some movement out of him by stroking his ego: “Let’s have a lawyer draw up that paperwork for us, since you Work So Hard and Such An Important Job that it’s beneath you to find the time for such trivialities!”
Yeah, I threw up in my mouth a little, writing that email. But it worked. The paperwork that had taken two years for him to deal with was finished by the end of the weekend. If I’d said “I’m sick of waiting on this, and I’m sick of hearing your excuses for why it hasn’t happened yet”, I’d have gotten sucked into a drama in which he made it my fault that he hasn’t done it yet, and I’d still be waiting.
By understanding your anger.
Your anger's a valid emotion like any other, but the destruction it causes is not. And seriously? Check out the For Dummies book, it'll clear up and address a lot of stuff.
If you're not much of a reader, see a counselor that specializes in anger. It's possible your anger has deep rooted personal issues as well, so you might consider therapist if it's more than lack of discipline and control.
You should read the book ScreamFree Parenting. I mean, really, every parent should read it. Changed the way my husband and I interact with our kids.
https://www.amazon.com/Co-parenting-Toxic-Ex-Ex-Spouse-Against-ebook/dp/B00HZ9SAAG?ie=UTF8&amp;btkr=1&amp;ref_=dp-kindle-redirect
And/or...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-and-do-instead
I think everyone with 2 or more kids should read this book: Siblings without Rilvary
There's a book about loving your husband after baby comes. I haven't started it yet, since my pregnancy has killed my sex drive but increased my love for husband. I have been saving it for when baby arrives. Maybe it'll help: https://smile.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267090/ref=sr_1_3?crid=KEYS61E0VNPO&amp;keywords=how+to+love+your+husband+after+kids&amp;qid=1571361080&amp;sprefix=How+to+love+your+husband+%2Caps%2C468&amp;sr=8-3
I was at a point with my oldest where I wanted to dole out spankings way too often, and like you it got to me and made me feel bad. I did what you are doing now, which is to seek out resources for an alternative that didn't involve spanking, and that led me to a book called "1-2-3 Magic." I suggest picking a copy of that book up. Is it a cure all? No, but it helped me and I rarely if ever spank my kids, nor do I have the urge to spank them. The book helped me have more confidence in some of the other disciplinary methods that did not involve spanking. For instance, your post expressed some frustration about time outs not working. The book helped me see the value of those time outs even when I previously didn't think they were working. Now that I've stuck it out (my oldest is now 5) I have to say it helped.
Here's a link to the book. http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140708/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1452206985&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=1-2-3+magic+for+parents
Obligatory read, should be on the sidebar
> “☆☆☆☆ Judo with words” - A guy
KO your opponent in Dharma Kombat in just a couple of seconds - without sacrificing your dignity or principles!
> There is a book that I think is called "The seven languages of love" which explains that some see physical contact as a sign of love.
Would you mind linking that book. There are some titles that are similar but nothing that matches what you mentioned exactly.
Edit: I found two, both by the same author - one is specifically aimed at men. Link 1 ... Link 2
Are either of these the one you were thinking of?
I agree with other posters, he will try to make this about you, to blame you, and then he’ll walk off like there’s nothing wrong. Make sure you’re covered especially with the kids.
When he realized he’s not getting his regular supply from you he’ll move to use the kids against you. Mine did and I never thought he would, ever.
Pay attention to which of your kids is the scapegoat (that will be the one most like him) and which is the golden child. Love them
Both unconditionally and be prepared for him to attempt to alienate the golden child from you. Mine did in retaliation because he an the SG are always at each other’s throats (because I’m not there to help them communicate - which is very codependent behavior but not the point here - their relationship has significantly deteriorated).
There’s a great book called MAGIC Word: How to Get What You Want From a Narcissist and it walks you through how to figure out what narcs value. It was extremely helpful for me - my nex values being a family man and a good father, so anything I did to threaten that image caused him to freak out. Anything my kids do to threaten that image causes him to lash out as well (even when they’re acting like normal kids). I always took care of the majority of parenting and now he has to do half of it and it’s been an adjustment. He thought the 10% he did before he would extrapolate to 100% of his parenting and that’s just not how it works.
Figure out what makes your nex tick. It’s a very powerful weapon.
This is very cool that you want to meet him on his terms. I respect you for moving into 'alien territory'.
Not trying to start a conflict here, but you could simply spend some time reading the posts here, get up to speed on the 'Pede issues, and discuss them with him. I bet what he would really like is to see you wake up, or at least open your mind ( hoping that doesn't sound offensive, maybe you have gone through a long and sincere period of openmindedness about DT, I have no way of knowing; just throwing out ideas here).
That's just me. I'm not a'stuff' oriented person, more of an ideas and relationship oriented person.
You might take a look at:
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Men-Making-Relationship/dp/0802412726/
if you don't know what he would like, maybe the ideas in that book would help you get a handle on what would be meaningful for him. You know him a lot better than we do. We might know what we like, but we don't know him as an individual.
They say as people get older, they appreciate experiences more than stuff. Get him a ticket to the inauguration?
Safe Baby Handling Tips and Go the Fuck to Sleep. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
In all seriousness though, Easy to Love by Becky Bailey is a transformative approach to parenting that I’m totally hooked on. Not everyone’s cuppa, as it falls firmly in the “positive parenting” category, but it works for some.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson
Models by Mark Manson
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: Practical Guide for Improving Communication by John Gray
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
I'd recommend checking out Mark Manson's website. There's some great stuff there for subscribers.
[easy to love difficult to discipline by becky bailey](Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060007753/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_K8M2Ab571QTY0)
Are you tracking how often he snaps? You could do a simple tally out of his view. You might find that in reality, he's snapping at you less and less. That might help you stick it out! Also, the duration and severity of his outbursts may be lessening. With kids like this, any improvement is a triumph!
I also recommend Ross Greene. Here's his videos on Collaborative Problem Solving as well as here's an amazing book that my SPED instructor as well as multiple classmates in my cohort recommend by Ross Greene as well.
Also, it's okay to lower the expectations. Assuming he has an IEP, it's not necessary for you to meet the expectations of the general education kids. So, if they're doing math and he is refusing, is there something he will do that isn't disruptive? Maybe he would be willing to play math games with you (which would help you build that Teacher Student Relationship quality). As Rita Pierson says, kids don't learn from people they don't like.
I'm interning at a school with a lot of high needs students, it's an inclusion school and there are kids in special ed who spend about 70% of their day in general ed in my classroom I'm in. Sometimes they try the math and then move on to computer games or reading because they are unable to process the math and it's too frustrating. Rather than have a meltdown, they are able to play math games on the computer or read books they feel like reading.
I'm not an expert, just happen to be taking a class on the matter at the same time as being in a school that houses all the high needs kids in the area so I see kids with EBD or are in SPED all day long.
Honestly (and sadly), I think your dilemma is very common. Maybe therapy would give you some tools to combat those old tapes.
There is a book called Forgive For Good which I found immensely helpful. Carrying stuff around with you is exhausting.
A guy in AA told me this: when you quit you are breaking up with a loved one (alcohol) as real as any deep relationship, it was there for you, it understood you, you could count on it. Now you're alone, betrayed and scared that you don't have it. I drank for over 20 years, I went into a deep depression and raging anger for the first 6 months of sobriety. It subsides, and even better, you begin to get to the root of the anger when you work the steps with a sponsor.
Someone mentioned Al-Anon for the wife, that sounds like a good idea to me. You keep going to meetings and don't drink. There is a wonderful book by Dr. Paul - long time AA and self-confessed anger-junkie - called You Can't Make Me Angry that I highly recommend.
Good luck to you - don't leave before the miracle happens.
Give this book a try: 1 2 3 Magic
It deals with exactly the situation you describe, and works amazingly well if used consistently.
Forgive For Good, by Fred Luskin
> how I can be more assertive at work and learn to say no to people in a professional way
this is not a work problem. It's a "you" problem. You lack the skills needed to be an assertive individual. I would recommend researching, practicing, and developing those skill.
I do not have this issue but have head https://www.amazon.com/Assertiveness-Stand-Yourself-Respect-Others-ebook/dp/B006B96NDM is a good book for this
I do think having cats has helped my children learn to be empathetic. We spend a lot of time talking about what the cat is thinking when they ask questions about the cat's behavior. That said, I wonder if what you are really looking for here is help with empathy. Sounds to me like you are describing a child who is having trouble with impulse control/executive function rather than empathy and I doubt a cat could help with that.
Have you read The Explosive Child?
I am not a parent of a teen, but I recently went to a parenting seminar that was geared towards teens (I didn’t realize it when I attended). The book that corresponds to the seminar is called ScreemFree Parenting. I’ve read the book and really like it. It teaches you to “react less and respond more”. And also teaches you how to pause a lot. It sounds like you could benefit from this.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with removing yourself from a heated situation, even if your daughter suggested it. You would be teaching your daughter that it’s okay to back down and cool off and that’s actually the behavior you want your daughter to mirror.
EDIT: I also just wanted to add that I am not trying to come across as a know-it-all and I apologize if I am. I only responded to your post because I see that it’s 2 days old and only 3 people responded, without really giving you any resources. AND you and your daughter reminded me of my mom and I. Our relationship was very toxic, there was a huge power struggle (which she never “won”, despite trying to), and I’ve had to go through a lot of therapy and do a lot of self-reflection to learn how to have proper relationships with people that doesn’t rely on dominating them. When I went to that parenting seminar I mentioned earlier, that was my “I WISH MY MOM HAD KNOWN THIS” moment and it’s the parenting style I’m trying to adapt.
I have heard those words before. It hurts. It doesn't sound like she is ready for divorce, though it may be on her mind at times. If she hasn't told you how she feels then I wouldn't bring it up. She may not know how to start the conversation, but if you do then she'll have her opening. My advice would be to change yourself. Be loving and affectionate but don't follow her around like a puppy. Give her space while you work on improving yourself. If you spend a lot of time on the computer or TV, stop and go do something to better who you are. Start going to the gym, read a book or change your hair. If she notices then that's great. I would recommend a book that helped me: Divorce Busting. It was too late for me though. When I heard those words my ex-wife was already in another relationship without me knowing anything was wrong. I gave everything I had to fix it until I found out what was happening.
I've found that the only way I cope is having the next meeting planned before we part. It keeps me sane. I got the idea from this book which has been very helpful.
> I’m always there when he needs to talk about his feelings, I’ll go out of my way to make sure he knows that I care about what he’s feeling and thinking.
This is kind of off-the-wall, but I'd really suggest reading the five love langues book (or listening to the audio book), might not cure anything, but could give you another perspective. The reason I mention it is because the little blurb above sounds like one of the "case studies" out of the book. Then if you like it, see if you couldn't get your boyfriend to read the "for men" version.
I'm training to be a psychotherapist so I am biased, but I really think couples therapy should be standard when you're going through a big transition like this - you're smart to identify growing resentment as a threat to your marriage, and it's best to address it early on before it become truly toxic. Too many people wait to go to couples therapy and by the time they do, it's past the point of no return. The marriage expert John Gottman talks about resentment being the #1 killer of marriages, and also wrote a book about maintaining your marriage after a baby called And Baby Makes Three. It would be a good idea to read that book and maybe How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, which I've gotten many recommendations for. Good luck!
The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide
Oh nothing external ever makes us angry, it's always an inside job.
https://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Make-Me-Angry/dp/0965967212/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1483478433&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=you+cant+make+me+angry