(Part 2) Best emotional self help books according to redditors

There's a book- The Emotionally Absent Mother 2nd edition by Jasmin Lee Cori that you really should get. It's broken up into little sections in case you need to take breaks because the emotional work is hard. And it's loaded with journal exercises to help heal your "mom wound". After reading through it the first time, I'd recommend simply keeping it on your shelf with the pages relevant to narcissistic mothers stickied so that you have something to work through and help you stay strong during those emotionally vulnerable yearning moments. I read a library copy, but I think I'll probably get a copy of my own to add to my shelf to redo the exercises when I really feel like I need a mom.

/r/MomForAMinute is also really nice. During a couple of my hardest moments, I made posts there about what I wished I could tell my mom and I can sit and read and reread the nice messages that the mom figures of Reddit left me when I was feeling down.

Maybe having a couple resources to tackle the emotional side and not just the logical side will help. (hugs if you want them) <3

I'm going to bring one thought into your awareness.

I think it is important to understand that this is escaping a deeper problem, which is the relationship you have with comparison in the first place. It is not the act of comparison itself that is harmful. It is the way you perceive it and relate to it, and your perspective. It's not the information itself, it's how you interpret it. It's like the weather, where two people can experience the same rainy weather, except one is utterly miserable, and the other is immensely joyful -- the weather is still the weather, it did not change, and it has no power over these people's inner emotions, instead, it's these people giving up their power. It's not the thing, it's the mind, it's the place its coming from, the interpretation. You could likewise look at these people, and every time you hear a story like that, feel inspired, and see yourself on the pathway to becoming one of these people.

The warning here is that, the moment you get back on the internet, unless this inner issue gets resolved, you will get sucked right back into this habit. Because no matter how good you will get in this year, there will still be all these people who are way better. Because as you get better, you will only look to the next thing. And soon, you will find that next Steve Jobs who is exactly your age except he made 5 billion dollars, is tall, dark, handsome, socially savvy, a business genius.

In fact, what if that information pops into your head WITHOUT the internet? By hearing it from someone you're speaking to? Seeing it on the cover of a magazine?

The other warning is, the moment you get off the internet, you will probably become more perceptive of what's outside, and begin to compare yourself with the new people you start to notice in real life.

I'd instead take some time out to just sit down, and resolve this issue permanently (and maybe it will take several sessions), instead of running away from being able to deal with it, as harsh as it sounds.

I seriously recommend this book, I believe it could help you resolve this issue once and for all, without making such commitments: https://www.amazon.com/MindWorks-Practical-Changing-Emotional-Reactions/dp/0990584607

Also, look at some of the comments on this post, yet some take it neutrally, some feel inspired, others feel shit about themselves. It's the SAME POST. The post is neutral. Every single one of these people could feel inspired. It's just a tweak in perspective and the belief-system. Anyway, think about it.

This book helped me a lot:

[Is That Me Yelling?: A Parent's Guide to Getting Your Kids to Cooperate Without Losing Your Cool] (http://www.amazon.com/That-Me-Yelling-Parents-Cooperate/dp/1608829073/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458413123&sr=1-8&keywords=yelling+at+kids)

It gives you strategies on how to deal with your kid based on his/her temperament as well as yours. I'm super high strung from an alcoholic/abusive home myself with a son who probably has ADHD (like his dad/my husband). I think it worked for me because it's not one-size-fits-all. I highly recommend it.

(Edited for formatting)

This is generalized and a really good starting point:
Rejection Proof Therapy 101: How To Overcome, Deal With And Heal Yourself From Rejection https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01M6TIZHW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_zSdZAbT87K459

Here's another good general one: Rejection Reset: Restore Social Confidence, Reshape Your Inferior Mindset, and Thrive In a Shame-Free Lifestyle (2nd Edition) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075JMRTL2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_GTdZAbBMCKRX1

This is a good intro to cognitive behavioral therapy: https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-for-beginners-madison-taylor/1124693937

I can also recommend some creative specific ones for writers and actors, although they may not be super relevant to you.

Here's my 2 cents on the subject. First, I'd give up on the idea of debating. Most of the debating I see is nothing more than verbal warfare--how productive is that? Well, it probably depends on what your objectives are. Are you out to belittle people and make yourself feel better? Than verbal warfare is the way to go. Are you out to improve knowledge or discover truth? Then debating probably isn't the route to take. Whatever, I'd establish the objective upfront. I'd recommend simply asking questions and providing sources.

So what are some questions involved in the spanking subject?

1. What are the parents goals?
   
2. Do the methods applied meet the desired goals?
   
3. What is the self-ownership status of a child?
   
4. When does a child gain full agency?
   
   
5. Goals will vary by parent, but shouldn't this question be asked every time the subject comes up? Most parents will answer with goals like happy, productive, independent, socially skilled, able to think critically, whatever. I doubt many parents will say out lound that they want obedience, silence, blind acceptance of authority, shyness, inability to bond, addictive behavior, a poor relationship with their parents as adults, approach-avoidance behavior, depression, divorce, etc. The point is, the question needs to be asked, and the answer must frame the response.
   
   
6. Do the methods applied meet the desired goals? Now would be an excellent time to provide links and sources. There is a wealth of information available on the effectiveness and consequences of different parenting techniques. Read the sources, compare results to the desired goals, make your decision. No emotional and verbal warfare required.
   
   
7. What is the self-ownership status of a child? I've yet to see a complete theory or philosophy on this subject. I'd recommend saying you don't know or labeling all proposals as a "working theory" to diffuse all the negative reactions you're likely to get on this emotional subject. Personally I think parents should have a trustee relationship with their children, and that a child's request to leave a household should be honored as soon as he can make it. I have no idea how to put that in an argument but suspect it would involve knowledge of cognitive development.
   
   
8. When does a child gain full agency? Well, first you have the whole can one own oneself debate. Then you'd have to argue when that occurs, if it does. I again lean towards the trustee relationship and gradual development of agency.
   
   Here's sources for those interested in studying the issue instead of yelling at each other:
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbiq2-ukfhM
   
   http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338338284&sr=8-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Discipline-Compliance-Alfie-Kohn/dp/1416604723/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338338349&sr=1-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_17?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=punished+by+rewards+by+alfie+kohn&sprefix=punished+by+rewar%2Cstripbooks%2C256
   
   http://www.amazon.com/No-Contest-Case-Against-Competition/dp/0395631254/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338338440&sr=1-2
   
   http://nospank.net/
   
   http://www.rie.org/
   
   http://www.wholechild.org/vision/documents/TheEffectsOfImprovingCaregivingOnEarlyDevelopment.pdf
   
   http://www.echoparenting.org/
   
   http://www.becomingtheparent.com/all/hp.html
   
   http://drgabormate.com/
   
   http://www.committedparent.com/
   
   http://www.janetlansbury.com/
   
   http://www.regardingbaby.org/
   
   http://www.eileensclasses.com/
   
   http://www.mindfulparentingnyc.com/Mindful_Parenting/Welcome.html
   
   http://www.riemiami.com/
   
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Dear-Parent-Caring-Infants-Respect/dp/1892560062/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338339719&sr=1-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Your-Self-Confident-Baby-Encourage-Abilities/dp/1118158792/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338339719&sr=1-3
   
   http://www.amazon.com/The-RIE-Manual/dp/1892560003/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294253451&sr=1-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Skinned-Knee-Teachings-Self-Reliant/dp/1416593063/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1298050770&sr=8-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=ruth+anne+hammond&x=0&y=0
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Parent-You-Want-Sourcebook/dp/0553067508/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294253521&sr=1-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Life-Toddler-Alicia-Lieberman/dp/0028740173/ref=pd_sim_b_2
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Theories-Attachment-Introduction-Ainsworth-Brazelton/dp/1933653388/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1298051329&sr=8-10
   
   http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000XR2CGU/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1C1SJ1BR2T4ADEN9VMJM&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Unfolding-Infants-Natural-Gross-Development/dp/1892560070/ref=pd_sim_b_1
   
   http://www.youtube.com/user/stefbot/videos?query=parenting
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyNQFG7C8JM
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjxXuDYdBzY
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONNRfflggBg
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1GJsCa_4G8
   

1. Get out of that relationship A.S.A.P. Like tomorrow. No excuses, no tapping into their energy field to console them, no regrets. You can do and will do better.
   
2. Set up energetic boundaries. You have a good, strong heart - keep it protected so it's useful for non-narcissistic folks.
   
3. Meditate. Separate your emotions from others'. Become attuned to what different things feel like. Enjoy nature A LOT.
   
4. Find the others. They'll be happy to finally meet you.

I've got a couple of suggestions you might want to look in to.

1. Non-violent communication (NVC). The basic premise is that what we really want is empathy. And when we don't get that, we get increasingly frustrated, and lean towards violent behaviors. NVC offers a way to express oneself fully, in a way that is free of judgement and blame. And then have the other person really hear you. This fills your need of empathy. Since ones need in that situation is met, one stops being angry in relation to that. Highly recommended :)
   
   
2. Look into why you are triggered in some situations, what basic assumptions about the world do you have? For many people it can be something along the lines of "I'm not good enough" - and so we spend our life running from that and defending ourselves, f. ex by the use of anger. A wonderful book on how to change these core beliefs is Mindworks

Hiya! I logged in to reply cos I saw a lot of comments suggesting therapy and "getting help" but not mentioning what types of things could help.

So I'm not a therapist, but to me this sounds like a possible case of BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. Which SOUNDS scary due to stigma related to it, but if you get the right therapy can improve a heck of a lot, and be very manageable. In fact treatment including Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) will make your loved ones pain SO MUCH LESS and can really be an immense relief to her.

BPD is usually caused by ongoing childhood trauma and neglect, so it sounds like her past could have caused her brain to grow in different ways than non-trauma-survivors brains do. That is normal, and natural, because what she went through is NOT normal and natural. She can't control these feelings because she was never taught the coping skills to do so, and her brain grew differently so that even if she had learned coping skills it would STILL be harder than average for her. I'm saying this because I want to erase any shame or stigma she or you may feel around this issue. It's not shameful, many people worldwide go through this, it has been studied and written about, and there is help out there! :)

So what kind of therapy is done for BPD? Well the good news is that even if you can't afford therapy (not sure if you are US based) you can buy a book that has fantastic worksheets in it that truly help a lot: "The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook" https://www.amazon.com.au/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Workbook-Integrative-ebook/dp/B07JQMQLZP but of course finding a psychologist who specialises in DBT would be best. Group therapy DBT skills workshops is even better. Heck, why not both!

But if you can't do the above, know that some psychologists who are BPD specialists use this workbook because it has Dialectical Behavioural Therapy tools in it. They give out worksheets from it week by week as the issues come up, so that patients can learn the tools to cope with their pain. So you could buy this book right now, but honestly she may not be ready to cope with it on her own. I think a visit to a psychologist would be her best bet, but make sure it's a DBT specialist.

Good luck with your problems and pain, I truly hope you get the help you both deserve. And that her pain lessens over time. I know it will with the right treatment. <3

The Dalai Lama himself has said that "Buddhism does not accept a theory of God, or a creator."^1 That sounds pretty solidly to me like the man doesn't believe in God, by his own definition.

^1 in Healing Anger

You can try the rapid eye movement desensitization technique (EMDR). When the image surfaces, look at it and connect with it and while maintaining some awareness and connection to it start moving your eyes all the way to the left and then all the way to the right and back and forth back and forth for a minute or a little more. Then relax and observe what has changed. After a little break do another round. Then a break where you relax and observe and a new round etc. This is a traume therapy technique that tends to quickly discharge the emotions connected to the images and helps you process it really fast.

Here is a book about how to do it fused with a qigong meditation for emotional healing:

https://www.amazon.com/EMDR-Universal-Healing-Tao-Psychology/dp/1620555514

You can also find various sources on it online.

Don`t overdo it. Just do it for a while.

My mother was also extremely emotionally neglectful, specifically of me because she split me black/I was the scapegoat during my childhood.

When I first came on this sub, I was confused because so much of my mother's behavior and my feelings matched, but my mother was never the kind of person to pursue me like many of the stalker-type parents on this sub. She has never been diagnosed with anything, so I wasn't sure.

After further reading, I am very sure I belong here and that my mother is uBPD. The book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" helped me, although I must say I have excellent memories compared to you. Double-edged sword.

This book also helped me a lot.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Absent-Mother-Updated-Expanded/dp/1615193820/

I don't remember if the book mentions personality disorders or BPD, but it did help me understand why neglect/emotional withholding hurt me so badly and what kind of long-term damage it wrought.

My mother was a witch and waif during my childhood. As she got older, she flipped on me and cast me in the role of enmeshed (and very reluctant) Golden Child. She also turned into a waif/hermit type. She's been very withdrawn and withholding. When I lowered contact after coming out of the FOG, she escalated very slightly by causing fake emergencies, but mostly she "packed up her tent" and went back to ignoring me the same as she did during my childhood. She's done the same since I went NC.

I'd say stay here and read awhile before you decide.

I don't have any boy book suggestions, but one book I really enjoyed was The Emotional Life of a Toddler (http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Life-Toddler-Alicia-Lieberman/dp/0028740173) Sorry, can't do fancy pants links.

I also really enjoyed NurtureShock (http://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504130/ref=sr_1_56?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369239257&sr=1-56&keywords=science+of+child+development)

Neither of these are parenting books, but really helpful in how you think about parenting and your child.

I tend to feel like all abusers have mental illness/personality disorders (but of course not all people with mental illness or personality disorders are abusive). I'm not saying everyone who is an asshole is mentally ill, but to actively abuse people in your life who trust you and are part of your "in group",so to speak, is pretty dysfunctional and doesn't make a lot of sense for a healthy brain.

If your boyfriend has truly cheated and lied, then he's obviously toxic, and it's possible that he is gaslighting you into thinking you are the abuser. But also if it's true that everybody in your life has a problem with you, it's possible that you have toxic behaviors as well - not every bad relationship is a situation with one abuser and one blameless victim. Sometimes two toxic people get together and then bring the worst out in each other. I'm not saying this is the case, I don't know you. But perhaps something to think about.

Your response of "everybody hates me! I guess I deserve to be dead!" sets off some alarm bells in a fishing for validation/manipulative kind of way. I don't mean to be hateful or to judge you, I've been there myself. When my CPTSD was at its worst, I was not a good person to be in a relationship with. Fortunately I was able to recognize my bad behaviors for what they were - at times emotional abuse (specifically on the spectrum of [Unpredictability](
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325792.php#unpredictability) in this list of emotionally abusive behaviors) in response to triggers - and worked very hard to eliminate them.

Although I still deal with emotional flashbacks they are largely inward-directed reactions and when I do lash out it is more or less limited to a passive aggressive comment which I am generally quick to apologize for.

Obviously my biggest recommendation would be for you to seek a mental health specialist - how you go about this depends on your area's healthcare system, your medical insurance situation, etc. If you have medical insurance you can call them up and ask for a list of providers who accept you insurance and go from there. My second recommendation would be to look into DBT as a mechanism for assisting with emotional regulation and your tendency to "lash out"; I found it incredibly helpful. You can find therapists who specialize in DBT, and there are also DBT workbooks that you can work through at home.

Thanks for the fascia tip. It's a new territory for me.

I wanted to leave these suggestions from my read list. Can't say much, haven't read them yet. But they might be of interest to you.

Good luck on your goal !

https://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Based-Yoga-Meditation-Trauma-Recovery/dp/0393709906


https://www.amazon.com/EMDR-Universal-Healing-Tao-Psychology/dp/1620555514

https://www.amazon.com/Tao-Trauma-Practitioners-Integrating-Treatment/dp/1623172225

Never considered it! Maybe I'll give it a try :)

However, I found the approach in a book & I highly recommend the read (or listen, if you're into audiobooks) if you're struggling with similar issues/thought patterns:

It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399588140/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_4SPKDb0PYB7K6

(Look passed the title if you can help it lol she provides a series of helpful case studies & applies techniques related to introspection & meditation to help alleviate those types of patterns/issues.)

What a great parent you are to reach out for help. ❤️ I have anger issues related to borderline personality disorder, which are similar to the emotional flooding you can have with ADHD. Medication helps me with that partially, so I’m sorry to hear about the pains your family is experiencing in that regard - but something else that has help me is dialectical behaviour therapy. My outbursts tend to be rooted in urgently needing to do something to cope with all of the intense emotions I feel all at once, and a big part of DBT is teaching people specific skills that help them make better choices when their emotions are driving.

Obviously your son is just a little fella, so direct treatment may not be an option right now, but I know there are parenting books related to teaching DBT skills that may help: https://www.amazon.ca/Parenting-Child-Who-Intense-Emotions/dp/1572246499/ref=asc_df_1572246499/?tag=googlemobshop-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=292867234452&hvpos=1o2&hvnetw=g&hvrand=18253061692767599873&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1001801&hvtargid=pla-435978072713&psc=1

(Sorry for the giant link, I’m on my phone).

http://www.amazon.com/The-Bill-My-Father-Memoir/dp/0743249631

I want to read this. It's on my list.

This book really helped me a lot, and the reviews on Amazon are great as well:

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Anger-Patience-Buddhist-Perspective/dp/1559390735

If you're starting from nothing, this and this are both great primers for getting you started. They're by the same author (Patricia McConnell) who is a behaviorist, and they're super readable and informative. They have little anecdotes about being a behavior professional, which will help give some insight into the field.

Culture Clash is also a great early read.

The Dog's Mind is a good reference book - it's more technical and less novel-y than the books I listed above.

Inside of a Dog is another good one. Similarly scientific, so perhaps a bit dry, but great information.

When you've worked your way up a bit, I do still highly recommend the book from my original post! :)

You should read https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Always-Depression-Authentic/dp/0399588140 It helps you to processs your fellings better.

Expressing or suppressing emotions can be unhealthy. It depends on the situation you find yourself in, on your rhetorical and emotional skills but also on your relationship towards yourself and the other, and how willing you are to interpret a situation for or against you. Since feelings are a reaction to our thoughts. And it is also important to understand what functionality each feeling has (anger for example, can give us the strength to take action, to defend ourselves, but it can also be very destructive). Plus, many of us, have missapplied feelings. F.e. instead of feeling sad and accepting the fact that this and that is the way it is, one gets angry and upset, unwilling or unable to accept the world the way it is or unable to accept the other, the way he or she is. Which can be the result of parents whom have been very reluctant to express sadness in front of their children. The children than will find themselves helpless when feeling sad, because they have learned that their parents don't like anyone to cry and to show weaknesses, so they get upset about themselves for feeling sad, maybe also upset about their parents, for not allowing them to express their sadness resulting in anger replacing sadness, in situations were sadness would have been the "natural", healing, constructive way to respond with.

So if you have all this stuff sorted out, and feel that it would be helpful for you to express your anger, than YES please express your anger - may it be to defend your own values, standing your ground, or simply worshipping yourself important enough to speak up against the wrong and the unjust. But of course, in a constructive manner, as good as you can manage. Like "If you treat me that way, it makes me really upset because I have the feeling that you look down on me ... (or whatever) and I hope you don't want to make me feel this way, but if this is your intention, I have to tell you, that I will no longer let you have it your way"

Here are all the local Amazon links I could find:


amazon.co.uk

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Loving-Kindness In Plain English.

Hey! I can totally relate. But one thing that helped me was [this] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1449499236/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1572667170&sr=8-2) book.


Basically it's just an introverts journey to make deep meaningful connections. It has some great tips and is really a funny and light read.


Check it out

Thanks for the book recommendation. I love reading books to learn more about dogs. I read this one recently. It was very interesting.

You can't just look at the tail. You have to look at everything. Head position, ears, eyes, mouth, body stance.

What you need now is a roadmap. You have realized what is going on and are wanting to make a change, and that's huge, but you need to know HOW to get there, how to change your habit. I found this book (Is that Me Yelling?) on Amazon that looks great, and I'd be happy to send it your way if you PM me your address, or make an Amazon wish list and put it on there. Or any other book that appeals to you on the subject. You can also look for parenting classes or counseling in your area.

Hang in there - I was also an easily frustrated parent with a tendency to yell at my daughter, and I was able to learn new ways to deal with things. It can be done, and you will also find a way.

you’re welcome this might be a good read for you

I would work on enjoying your time alone and if you’re bored figure out what would change that or what you would rather go do learn to separate your emotions and desires from the status quo around you your satisfaction goes deeply beyond whatever group of people you are in

maybe work on how you present yourself too conversationally online etc I think the things you like are what a lot of people like and I don’t see stigma unless you’re some forever alone gamer nerd

also be careful of how you talk about yourself and your circumstances language like disgust me, people are fake, whatever else of this defeatist attitude seeps out can be a real turn off and you want to be as authentic but also as attractive as possible (especially since you have such little dating experience)

meetup is a website for groups of people with shared interests to have a meetup about that and get to know new people

Here's the book it's from

Oh just found there is an Anger Anonymous 'big book' Here: https://www.amazon.com/Anger-Big-Book-Addiction-ebook/dp/B079KWKF16/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

​

Also saw books for Anxiety Anonymous and Depression Anonymous these are good books that aren't a bunch of cognitive behavior boring stuff written by people with 20 phd's but compiled from people who treated their problems like an addiction. I think we are all addicted to emotions or maybe we walk a line between being addicted to emotions and being habituated to emotions...a sort of hypnotic limbo that we live in that makes us dumb and uncaring etc.

Looks like you already have an idea about why you get so angry, unrealistic expectations and I assume that's tied to a lack of empathy. When we truly understand why someone behaves the way they do empathy will counter any anger. But if you interpret malice into his behavior, perhaps project your fears into the interpretation ( I'm not being respected) and top it all of with judgment then anger will ensue.

A book that I found really helpful in dealing with my thinking regarding my kids was parenting a child who has intense emotions

A good portion of the book is dedicated about how to change judgmental thinking about your children and their behavior. It's a great book for anyone I think and I highly recommend it.