(Part 2) Top products from r/DeadBedrooms

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Welcome!

I think the first, best advice I can give you is,

Step 1: Love yourself

It sounds like you are in a very hopeful and positive space today, but -- hold onto that self-love as you embark on this journey.

The book I recommend is amazon.com: The Courage To Heal. The title focuses on child sexual abuse, but it covered a lot of ground that was new to me.

Is your partner supportive of your journey to understand your sexuality?

If so, then I think the next step is to enroll him in your journey. Give the book I recommended to him, and tell him a man in a similar position to his recommended it to him. =)

(My partner is also a CPTSD sufferer, with a religious upbringing, sexual abuse, touch aversion and sex repulsion.)

For rebuilding your understanding of sexuality, I suggest that you start with the foundations of shame. I understand that your CPTSD background has made "Shame" a particularly strong lever in your psyche, so let me start by kicking the straw man fallacies:

> "The dinosaurs had sex and they died."

Yes. However, every single one of my ancestors for 4.5 billion years has had sex -- if any one of them hadn't, I would not exist. +1 for sex

> "women who derive any pleasure from sex are whores"

Women's bodies were designed to give them pleasure from stimulation of the clitoris (both inside and outside). That means women who derive any pleasure from sex are .. women who relax and enjoy sex.

.....

My advice for rebuilding your understanding of sexuality and physical intimacy from the ground up is to declare yourself a virgin again. =)

Take PIV intercourse off of the table entirely, and start back at exploring your body like a curious teenager:

Kiss. Make out. Explore without there being any expectation of it "leading somewhere".

If that is a step too far, I suggest you explore "Sensate Focus Touch" to help you begin to experience sensual touch in a positive way. (Its a foundational step for experiencing sexual touch in a positive way.)

If and only if you are comfortable discussing this, and want more coaching, feel free to reach out to me via PM or Chat.

Congratulations on the amazing work you have done, that you feel ready to tackle this -- your courage and strength are seriously inspiring!!!!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I know where you're coming from here. I'm HL, (my guys is maybe he's LL-ML perhaps actually) but we haven't been intimate in god I don't know.. months? maybe over a year at this point. And that's typical... months if not years between attempts. Some weird pattern of complacency. Like... it's not going to get better if you never try but what you going to do.

Something broke somewhere and we haven't been abel to fix it. It was my first 'proper' relationship and his second, so that has a real big part to play in it too I think. And I've certainly tried to fix it - I lost weight, found loads of stuff online, books from here etc Sadly he found the books 'crass' so that wasn't helpful - but - I've collected loads of tips and guides and things to try and figure out how to fix things. HAsn't helped though... there is a gear to this and we've definitely both fallen out of it. We'd periodically talk about it - I'd always initiate these and he'd say that he agreed completely, that "things would change" and then nothing ever does of course.

And I say similar to you because he spends all his free time with a headset playing games (he's literally sitting next to me right now doing this), chatting to other people... awake till 4am online and mouthing me a "goodnight" while shooting some guy on Rust while I go to bed alone. I am pretty certain he 'takes care of himself' after I've goner to bed too... and really that sort of does its own damage. Not gonna lie, I do the same thing myself now... and that's the weird pattern we've fallen into. We're affectionate and caring don't get me wrong, but there's a giant black hole where physical intimacy should be and that is so so damaging. It's like our relationship is quietly eroding from the core and no amount of hugs will fix that >_>

Our issues likely like in several places - but one of them is the mismatch between how you get in the mood and how he does. Like you I prefer some sort of build up - it would be nice if we spent time doing something together for example - and like your guy, my guy just sort of occasionally jumps on me all guns blazing and expects instant reciprocation. And by instant I mean if I don't want him inside me after 2 minutes of a back massage "I don't find him attractive" which isn't true but he's 28 now - and teaching him foreplay is a legitimate thing is proving surprisingly difficult. I guess that's both the cause of and the result of 5 years of nothing and porn ironically (like I said, we were both new to this whole Relationship thing when we started). Deadly spiral, don't do that.

Anyway... gosh intimate ranting, the worst kind of ranting... sorry!

So, told, my guy does tech - right. He plays all hours, he spends more time chatting with online people than me, more time with them than me by a long long margin. I get it... and I imagine it's a replacement pure and simple. A distraction. And, like you, I've had enough, too. So... we have a choice here. We have identified we are unhappy - that's step one, and it's important. And very very likely we're not alone - our partners are also not happy. So we have two, well actually three options.

• fix it
  
• don't fix it, continue as before
  
• leave
  
  Having established you're in the "fix it" camp you really need to talk to him. Honestly and completely about what you just told us. Because sure you may have had these conversations before but that didn't change anything so you need to have another. And it needs to do something different, because last time didn't work.
  
  In my case I had the latest one of these about a week ago. I laid out everything (again) and he quietly agreed with everything (again). Key thing. Realism.
  
  In one way or other I said this: "look we need to fix this because we're both unhappy and I don't want my future to be like this. I can't imagine a future like this". He agreed (he felt the same too.) "nothing we tried before has worked" he also agreed. He said he was afraid of trying and failing - because failing would mean it couldn't be fixed and that scared him. Part of the inactivity and complacency was actually procrastination. The outcome: we need to go to a councillor. All the reddit archer advice and internet help and chats have done not one thing. I don't know where to go from here, I just don't - so we need to run this by somebody who does. He did actually agree to doing this in the new year. I'm not entirely convinced - like the promised dates and time spent together it's likely to be forgotten I should think. But it's worth trying.
  
  Time is a precious thing. It's a finite thing. You either spend time fixing it or you call it quits and find somebody who makes you happy. Ideally you fix things, of course, and marriage counsellors exist for a reason. But it's worth looking at it like that - and mentioning to him that things are this serious - because they really are. Something fixable now might not be fixable couple of years down the line. Take if from somebody 6 years down the line more time does not solve anything (only perpetuates it) - but only actions will change things.
  
  Two books I found helpful you may also find useful.
  
  Come as You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life - I am reading this atm, though this sub I think - and it's really really interesting. From what you've said I think you would find it really insightful too and highly recommend it.
  
  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts - this might be useful for you too - you can find summaries online that tell you the basics though. This is such an important thing - and might be a useful way into the deeper conversation you need to have.
  
  EDIT
  
  You mentioned feeling resentment about rejection and I totally see that. Rejection cuts both ways - and does its own sort of damage. Time only deepens those wounds, so be careful of that. What this boils down to though is that you both need to be putting 100% into fixing things. This isn't some "you need to do this so he will do that" stuff. That just causes resentment - you feel you've been hurt and are still expecting to put your heart on the line again - and I imagine that's how he feels too. This is your relationship which is the combination of you both. You can't fix it with imbalance - imbalance is what broke it. You need to get off the ride (communicate openly) and restart it (councillor for example) and both go back into it together. Spend time together (for your side of things) and intimate time (for his side of things). even if it doesn't end... completely... if you see what I mean - sometimes these things need ramping up and the intimacy you both need should be built gradually. I'm almost looking at it as trying to see it as a new relationship - because those are the sort of things you're rebuilding.
  
  
  
  

I'm a woman but my advice is not that you should dump him. Some of your comments give me pause.

The fact that you're giving him blowjobs at approximately 2x the rate of sex, plus:

> he says I often "try too hard, or want it too much. " he says he feels like im forcing him into it. And never give him space.

> He also works 50-60 hour work weeks on a regular basis.

> He says the 3rd and most hurtful reason is because of my weight gain, which is true.

Any one of these things might cause a decent slow-down. All taken together they are plenty reason for bed-death. He's infuriating to me personally but I think you need to read the posts by /u/D_Hamm35. His reasons for losing libido sound very similar to what you are doing.

1 - get your weight under control. For YOU, not for him. But it will help your self esteem & confidence is sexy. You are at the height of your sexiness for your entire life. Stop ruining it with fat. You will be 32 in the blink of an eye and you will regret what you did to yourself.

2 - stop trying so hard. I'm currently reading Why Men Love Bitches, which was recommended on here recently. It is a very easy & straight-forward read. Go get it, and read it. You need to find some things to do that are just for you. Leave him home alone sometimes. Encourage him to take back up an old activity that he is interested in. Or just leave him home to figure it out. Say no to him when it is not convenient for you. This is NOT game-play. This is for your own self-esteem and worthiness. Stop being so accommodating. Everything you've written here indicates you're losing touch with yourself, and that is the opposite of sexy.

Re-establish your OWN life separate from him. Have things to do and people to see that are NOT about him. Don't ask if he is okay with it. Don't clear your schedule with him or get his permission before you make plans. The best possible situation is one where you are able to sometimes say to him, "oh, sorry! I can't! I have plans." This is verrrrry attractive behavior.

You might have other guys hitting on you, but the caliber of guy who will hit on a woman who has gained weight and currently has low self esteem (which you will be broadcasting with your behavior, whether you like it or not) is very low. Trust me on this. You deserve better than those guys who are aiming low. Get yourself put back together, period, whether your current relationship works out or not.

You are sending out a strong signal that says I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Well, he believes you. Stop that!

All of these things will help your relationship, but more importantly, they will help YOU. You're giving yourself up for him, and your dead bedroom is evidence he doesn't like it.

Thanks for posting these, I will be adding them to my reading list. To add.....

The Four Agreements A bit new-agey, a bit preachy, a bit hippy, but entirely relevant to those who are trying to improve themselves and bring happiness back into your life. It frees you of the constraints of personal relationships. My counselor recommended that I skip the first chapter because of the 'preachy' stuff, I recommend that you read it all, it does paint a picture, and it was quite profound for me. So much so, that I actually condensed the Four Agreements into a small graphic and put it on the lockscreen of my phone. I find myself constantly stating them to myself. I am amazed at how easily they have become a set of guideposts for my life.

The 48 Laws of Power Not so much required reading, and again, for someone looking for ways to improve themselves. Focuses on power in interpersonal relationships and how to recognize when it's being used and how and how not to use it. Tons of interesting historical examples makes it a fun read. Not really a relationship book, but rather knowing how these dynamics work might make it easier to sidestep when your partner tries to be manipulative.

This book was the beginning of our DB recovery. It is honestly unbelievable, along with "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. These two books, I'm telling you...! The titles are cheesy as hell, but the content is genius. The first deals with the underlying psychological reasons for DBs, basically a lack of "differentiation" which leads to an unhealthy network of feeling pressure, obligation, withdrawing etc... By moving to the spare room and feeling like yourself again, you have done a huge step towards differentiation. I think the further details in this book might be of great value for you. And the other book is along similar lines, but while the first is more focused on couples altogether, the latter focuses more on men, and it's brilliant. I have learned from both so, so much. Plus, they are well written and entertaining to read. I go back to them regularly to really engrain the message in my mind and break my unhealthy patterns.

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There's a book I haven't read yet and that is more focused on women, and is mentioned regularly here because apparently it is fantastic, it is called "come as you are". It seems to deal with different female arousal patterns which might be useful to know with regard to a woman with a LL. It seems to be about "how to learn what hinders your arousal and what accelerates it", basically, but I think it is more than that.

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https://www.amazon.co.uk/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=passionate+marriage&qid=1556824796&s=gateway&sr=8-1

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https://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?crid=10WF0A3U0ZLES&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy&qid=1556824853&s=gateway&sprefix=no+more+m%2Caps%2C246&sr=8-1

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https://www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-surprising-transform/dp/1925228010/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1B16J31SVFQXN&keywords=come+as+you+are+emily+nagoski&qid=1556824888&s=gateway&sprefix=come+as+you+are%2Caps%2C202&sr=8-1

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This one is mentioned a lot as well, again focusing on female sexuality:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=she+comes+first&qid=1556824926&s=gateway&sr=8-1

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Sorry, this comment is massive, lol. :-)

The first book has honestly enduced our DB recovery, that is not said too much. The second - where to begin. It goes even back to unhealthy patterns that one learned from one's parents and then carries into the relationship and such. Very good.

> When I once mentioned the figures to her in the past she denied them as made up or only reported by the horny few who wanted to brag.

Assuming you're in the 30-39 age bracket, roughly somewhere between 80 and 95% of couples are having more sex than you. The Normal Bar gives similar (independently obtained) data (but unfortunately doesn't give a detailed breakdown). Don't bring this up with your wife unless she actually starts disputing whether your sex life is normal.

Here is what worked (sort of) for me:

• Watch The Sex Starved Marriage. People suggest showing it to your partner, but I don't think this is helpful unless they're receptive to it (it sounds like your partner is not). It's more useful to crystallize your own thoughts and [a] understand the dynamic of high/low libido partners and [b] that if you're like most people here then sex is just a pathway to intimacy, and that it's actually intimacy that you miss.
  
• Write down what you want to say to your partner (not necessarily word-for-word, dot points will do).
  
• Channel George Orwell: speak simply, don't bring in unrelated topics
  
• Don't ascribe blame or she will become defensive and defensive people shut down. "I took you out for dinner and we had a good time and we didn't have sex" is blaming her. "I took you our for dinner because I've been trying to reconnect with you and I miss you" is you sharing a sense of loss with her.
  
• Talk about what you miss (sex, closeness, feeling connected)
  
• Summarise the Sex Starved Marriage: sex is ultimately under the control of the low libido partner. It's unreasonable for them to both demand sexual exclusivity and then deny access to any activity. It's like a chef telling his wife that she's not allowed to eat any food except that which he makes, but then never making food because he's tired and can't be bothered. It's simply not a sustainable situation.
  
• Ask her to spend 20 minutes just listening to you without interrupting while you read it.
  
• Don't give her any written notes; you don't want this to be a nitpicking exercise.
  
• Don't follow up the conversation immediately, you want her to just think about what you said.
  
  Did this solve the problem? No, but my wife now acknowledges now that there is a real issue and we're (half successfully) working on it.
  
  Finally, before someone else (Draconis?) gets in to say it:
  
  > I love my wife and when we go on dates we get along great
  
  Are you really so sure about that? Do you hold hands? Do you kiss? Is she affectionate? Do you both say "I love you" and mean it as opposed to saying it out of habit? If so, fantastic -- half your job is done.
  
  Sex is a relationship barometer: most of the people in here who say "they are perfect except for sex" (especially those in long term relationships) are in denial. Their relationship is in fact is quite dysfunctional but they haven't realised it yet. Read Gottman and ask whether your relationship is as good as you think it is.
  
  Wishing you success!

Sooo.. hmm how to be delicate here. Are you guys having good sex? Is she satisfied? Is the foreplay good, is she aroused and eager when you have sex? Is she in pain and powering through to make you come?

Here's a good book

But before all that.. how's your non-sexual affection? Do you hug and kiss each other throughout the day? Do you cuddle on the couch, relax in bed touching each other? Stroke each other's bodies? Would she enjoy a long massage where you don't touch her breasts and groin for 90% of the time, as foreplay, and so you get to know where else she enjoys being touched? Would she do the same to you?

Each time you do touch each other, does she assume you want sex right after?

What has she said a 'good sexual encounter' looks like, from start to finish?

You are sooooo wrong. This might never be seen or get buried but I STRONGLY recommend you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman with an open mind. You are doing irreparable damage to your husband, your marriage and your family that will extend further than you can imagine!

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427581548&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=Love+langYates

There is so much more that I would like to say but much if not more has already been said. I just hope beyond hope for your sake and the sake of your family and husband that you reconsider your stance and empathize and sympathize as much as possible with your husbands point of view. Don't be selfish, be open. Out of love and respect for your husband it's the least you can do.

Read the book and if necessary see a therapist together. Who knows, maybe they will agree with you and maybe they won't but if not then consider for a moment at least that you just might be wrong.

It does sound like you and your husband may be sexually incompatible, but possibly you're just both just inexperienced and unmotivated to develop the skills to be great lovers to each other. There are lots of books and tutorials that you could both use to make your sex life really mind-blowing and passionate, but you'd both need to be willing to work on it. It (probably) won't get better if you are the only one who's willing.

If you want to go that route, She Comes First (for him) and Passionista (for you) are two books that get good reviews.

If you communicate your concerns, but your husband really isn't on board with working on this, you still might be able to make some progress by being more dominant in bed. You've been very vague and hesitant in expressing what you need up til now, and it sounds like your husband is on the submissive side. He may respond really well to you taking charge, if you can overcome your inhibitions (or not, it's impossible to know until you try). But it's also possible that you and he are sexually incompatible, and that he just doesn't want the rougher, more passionate sex that would be satisfying for you.

Having sex you don't enjoy for someone else's pleasure is bound to become a chore, as you're experiencing.

> But I want it, I just want her to listen to me and do what I need her to do

Why is she unwilling to do what you need to orgasm and enjoy sex too?

I'd be hesitant to advise staying with someone who is unwilling to make sex fun for you too. It's selfish and that rarely works out well.


> I was sexually abused from the age 6-9 and it really stunted me sexually so I have very specific things that need to happen in order for me to let loose and be completely comfortable.

Have you seen a therapist to work through this? Recovery and healing is possible and can help you be more free and explorative.

What are the specific things you need and why is your partner unwilling to do them?



There are some great self-help books for people to work through sexual trauma, if you're open to going that route:

Many therapists recommend these books. Some of them have accompanying workbooks, as well:



The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite Matsakis

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The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

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Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

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The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Laura Davis & Ellen Bass

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Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child Laura Davis

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Coming Home to Passion: Restoring Loving Sexuality in Couples with Histories of Childhood Trauma and Neglect by Ruth Cohn

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

No one should have to go what you did. If my STBX had a younger twin sister, you married her.

I am so glad you are getting out. Save this post somewhere because you will want to occasionally remind yourself what you were going through, when you start to forget the bad stuff and think maybe it was not so bad. Right now it looks like you are in emotional turmoil but at least you are breaking out of the fog. You also might find http://psychopathsandlove.com/how-to-never-get-involved-with-an-abuser-again/ useful. You already found /r/raisedbynarcissists so you might also want to visit /r/bpdlovedones

Since you have recognized codependent behaviors in yourself, you can use the advice in No More Mr Nice Guy (there is a pdf you can browse first) to work on that.

Two useful books on your upcoming divorce:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family

I am about a year ahead of you, and my head is a much better place now. You can do it.

I feel this... completely! I wish my Husband understood!!!



The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Learn more: https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_OSe5CbMJD8NG8

This book helped explain how I see love as physical touch. I didn't understand how a man could NOT understand that. His love language appears to be acts of service... which does NOTHING for me.

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Sadly I think it is too late for us....

>How should I and my fiance deal with this?

That's a really great question. Communication is soooo important but we really are never taught how to do it. I really love the book "nonviolent communication." It's a book that came out in the 1980's and really gives you a good way of thinking about how to have difficult conversations. Check it out, it can help you your whole life! There are also lots of youtube videos about it!

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

I second u/LesGHOW advice for counseling. But I also found the books:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

and

Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship helpful too

> Refers to herself often as "the breadwinner..." ugh

Often when the wife outearns the husband by a high enough margin, she has a harder time respecting him which means she has a harder time being sexually attracted to him.

From what you wrote this dynamic seems to be playing out in your marriage.

> I always cave. Always. I have a running joke that she has never ever been wrong, because I always bite the bullet and apologize.

> Divorce, cheating, not options (kids), and she knows it.

So she can take you for granted. And because she needs sex less than you, she holds all the cards and has zero reasons to change.


You're walking on eggshells and avoiding conflict hoping for pity sex.

This is a very unhealthy dynamic but the good news is that you can stop it on your end immediately.

Read When I Say No I Feel Guilty and No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Good luck!

Whatever you decide to do just ensure that she is your first priority when ever she needs you. And ensure you spend as much quality time with her as possible. I certainly could not advise you in this situation. Who knows tho, maybe she would be happy for you to find sex outside the marriage, if you do it right. Perhaps it would be one thing off her plate rather than another thing on it. I would recommend reading The Ethical Slut BEFORE heading down any path that could change your relationship:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590771281?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

This book may help you with question one. I don’t particularly like the title and how the author refers to sexually healthy women as “bad girls” but the content is really solid. It’s basically about how to let yourself feel sexy in day to day life.

I didn't see this until today - thank you! I had, however, read a book on the same years and years ago, that I passed to my wife with all my notes and highlights. It didn't change much, but it helped me in many ways and I still recommend it to friends in DB relationships:
https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Libido-Couples/dp/0743227328/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1ZAZ8WFCHKHZB&keywords=the+sex+starved+marriage+book&qid=1555689286&s=gateway&sprefix=the+sex&sr=8-1

Is this the Feeling Good book you’re referring to? I keep seeing it mentioned all over and want to buy it, just want to make sure I’m getting the right one first.


Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_-J0nDbH5BQWE2

I am all about tools. While i do not believe this all on yoyr husband, the below book will give him tools and you insights on how high function asp operate.


I will add the authors wife could be a good resource to you.


Be wary to your nature as well. Dominance, selfishness, narrcicsm and other manipulative traits result from relating to kindness and equality. You may not be seeking control, but you likely have it and why you do not trust him. I have found some unexpected dynamics that i can use as tools that emulate confidences. And still working in it.


Good luck....


https://www.amazon.com/Journal-Best-Practices-Marriage-Asperger/dp/1439189749/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

> Are there any specific books/authors you'd recommend for my husband?

David Burns, Feeling good. http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336

However, it seems that he will need professional help on top of that. From what you describe, it sounds like he has given up. You shutting him out is not going to help at all, it will only feed his sense of being a failure.

Read this: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_uo99ub1QFRSW0
https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_uo99ub1QFRSW0

Audio of the book: http://youtu.be/RI5JlrYIiKE

You'll appreciate it.

Good suggestions. Also, walking is an excellent exercise, because not only are you burning a few calories, but you're also not at the table eating.

If you're doing the cooking, switch to a low carb, high protein diet. Gary Taubes' book "Why We Get Fat" https://www.amazon.com/Why-We-Get-Fat-About/dp/0307474259/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1479592552&sr=8-1&keywords=why+we+get+fat is excellent. And he won't need steroids to do it.

It is a standoff. She resents you for emotionally neglecting her, you resent her for sexually depriving you. You don't want to do anything because it doesn't feel natural or authentic. How does it get authentic when it comes from a place of score-keeping and resentment? It may feel awkward and forced in the beginning, but as you get more comfortable and used to expressing yourself and being affectionate with her, maybe it will get easier.

[Since you said you don't like talking...] (https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_3/136-4451667-9163925?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CZ0Y20QEK00JA1FRSQ23)

[Oldie but goodie] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=pd_aw_sim_sbs_351_of_7?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=EWWR2K9HFR8XJGSX0DGR)

[This is a lot of work, but you have to do it together and it might bring you closer] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553447718/ref=sspa_mw_detail_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

[I haven't read this one, but I've read something else with a similar idea (the writers were an English couple but goddamnit I can't think of the title), and maybe you can try the suggestions] (https://www.amazon.com/1001-Ways-Be-Romantic-More-ebook/dp/B004MME71K?keywords=english+romance+couple+ideas&qid=1537541693&sr=8-3&ref=mp_s_a_1_3)

That you're putting of talking to her makes me recommend this book: "Radical Honesty" by Brad Blanton.

If she's blowing up, you might also like "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. Contrary to what I usually do, I found this one hard to read but easy to listen to; YMMV.

Even better than this one (since this suggestion came from our pre-marital counseling) is the fact that she bought me and herself a copy of a book when we first got engaged, "His Needs, Her Needs": http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800744233

Of course I read it right then and several more times since. She hadn't even read a chapter of it over 5 years later despite me begging her to do so. I think she's read a couple chapters now, though nowhere near finished it.

Acts of service, then.

[The Five Love Languages] (https://www.amazon.com.au/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI) is a bestseller for a reason.

I've had a girlfriend for six months now. We had an open relationship for the last three years. Even back then we realized there was something missing, and we needed to explore beyond out marriage.

Even if you two never go down that path I highly recommend you and your wife read "The Ethical Slut". It might open some doors between you two that you didn't realize you had.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375473731&sr=8-1&keywords=ethical+slut

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

This is a well-organized general marriage book. The big, surprising idea for me was the proven ineffectiveness of marriage counseling. Also surprising and useful was a discussion of when communication does not help, and how to fight fairly and effectively.

> https://www.amazon.com/Journal-Best-Practices-Marriage-Asperger/dp/1439189749/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Can you give a quick synopsis of the book, and what you found valuable?

>Historically, the talk has ended with her saying spiteful things at me, or her breaking down in tears.

You're not a "coward" to any extent and it is never easy, not even in theory, to prepare yourself to hear or internalize any feedback, especially when it comes to matters of physical intimacy.


> I find the words unable to leave my mouth. We are very different in regards to how we approach emotion. When things get heated, I tend to cool off and become more analytical, Whereas she is more willing to say anything that comes to mind.

Like a lot of couples, you've both become conditioned to react a certain way. While you're managing to keep a level head...in a lot of ways you're also shutting down at that point, and your wife knows it.

If you're not ready to commit to counseling or therapy (also understandable), you might consider some self-help books focused on helping couples set ground rules for discussions.

One of the most often points of deflection is "I'm not ready to talk about about that now." If your wife uses that, then ask her let you know when she is ready in the next day or so. Factor in work and other responsibilities.

Another obstacle that I myself have run into, is that I've felt selfish asking about improving our sex lives. Given enough time I'll talk myself into thinking it is selfish of me to want more. The longer and more often you talk yourself out of it, the more the resent builds, and the less likely you are to really acknowledge that this is less about what you want and more about what you really need.

A good read is "The Sex Starved Marriage" http://www.amazon.com/The-Sex-Starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting/dp/0743227328. It is written for both the higher libido partner (yourself) and the lower libido partner (your wife), and relates to both. It also touches on the fact that physical intimacy is an important way for men to express themselves....and in a monogamous relationship, you really only have one outlet.

Good luck and keep us updated if you're up to it.

You know, its all about blood flow, and the body's ability to heal is incredible. Diabetes, HBP both are frequently reversible. It all begins with body mass,and the path is cutting simple carbs to 25 grams a day. The first 1 week is hell, by the 3rd week, you stop noticing those foods w infrequent cravings and by week 6 you are over it.

Read this book. Discover the way.

It truly is amazing. PM for more info.

While you are at it, buy this book and try to learn from it:
https://www.amazon.com/Wired-Love-Understanding-Attachment-Relationship/dp/1608820580

Have a look at:

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

http://www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity/dp/1514683814?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_2&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

I've never read either of these, I just stumbled across them the other day. I wish had thought about (or knew to look for) such information when I needed it.

I have read:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463149523&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells

This offers a lot of insight to understanding a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, but doesn't offer any advice about leaving one.

My ex made my life hell, and that actually ramped up during the divorce and afterwards. She left me, but decided to punish me when I didn't miss her (her actual words, years later). Step very carefully.

Before any of that, get yourself some therapy or a support group. If you are actually dealing with a personality disorder, you need to give special thought to your own recovery. Most people who haven't experienced something like it simply can't relate to your experience. Seek out someone who can.

It is entirely possible you're learned to enable bad behavior, and you'll need to give real thought to how to get yourself healthy. I had no idea how "ground down" I was at the end of my marriage. I was barely human, but kept right on paying bills and taking care of things. There wasn't much of anything left under my responsibilities, just a sad grey ghost.

Anyhoo.... Good luck and be careful.

She has all thoes issues and you do everything for her and she has noone else. And she can't muster up 40 min to have sex with you in exchange for you being in her life? When she's that hopeless?

You ever hear the phrase "if you can't spot the sucker at the table, it's you".

Your a sucker.

Read this book:

https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900

Then when you are done, read this one.

https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0762415339/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1517513114&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy