(Part 3) Best books about abuse according to redditors
We found 1,730 Reddit comments discussing the best books about abuse. We ranked the 206 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 41-60. You can also go back to the previous section.
She knows what she's doing. I was just reading Healing from Hidden Abuse yesterday, and the author says that survivors need to get beyond that nagging doubt that abusers don't know or are "dumb" about their involvement. It's too easy to stay attached to them because there's that hope that they'll understand. When you think about how much effort it takes to be duplicitous, backstabbing, triangulating, etc... the author points out that this is not the work of someone dumb!
Even if she is just a flying monkey / golden child, her participation is necessary to keep the narcissist's work afloat. She won't understand. I'm saying this as someone who tried to get my siblings to see the light for three and half decades. It only got worse with time.
An example from my life... would be overhearing my narcissist father telling my sister on the phone that "we all know what she's like" (referring to me) and "she's been on a long decline and needs therapy" or apparently telling my brother behind my back that I "need therapy." Is it any wonder that my enabler brother and golden-child sister take his side?
Uh, sexual abuse in the Orthodox Jewish community is well documented. Try Google:
http://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2017-03-23/jewish-leaders-thought-it-was-a-sin-to-report-child-abuse/8380574
“Ultra-orthodox Jews believed it was a sin to report allegations of child sexual abuse to the police, and shunned those who did, a royal commission has heard.”
https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/.premium.MAGAZINE-the-woman-spearheading-the-fight-against-sexual-assault-among-haredim-1.5455644 [paywall]
“The woman spearheading the fight against sexual assault in ultra-Orthodox society”
http://www.traditiononline.org/pdfs/50.2/0050-0059.pdf
https://m.jpost.com/Diaspora/Study-finds-widespread-history-of-sexual-abuse-among-formerly-Orthodox-562937
“individuals who have left the Orthodox community are more than four times as likely to have been molested as children than the general population”
https://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/10/nyregion/ultra-orthodox-jews-shun-their-own-for-reporting-child-sexual-abuse.html?pagewanted=all
“those who come forward often encounter intense intimidation from their neighbors and from rabbinical authorities”
http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2012/06/18/tonight-on-ac360-child-sex-abuse-scandal/
“Child sex abuse scandals have been making headlines for years and bringing unwanted attention to a group bent on privacy”
https://apnews.com/b8de22cae69549be81b8ab69da90bd2e
“the leader of a safety patrol in Brooklyn’s ultra-Orthodox Jewish community has been arrested on charges he sexually abused a teenage girl”
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/318475825_Twice_Silenced_The_Underreporting_of_Child_Sexual_Abuse_in_Orthodox_Jewish_Communities
https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Shonda-Concealment-Orthodox-Communities/dp/0786471255
“cases of child sexual abuse have been systematically concealed in Orthodox Jewish communities”
It means your therapist hates men. That was rape and it should not be minimized, especially by a professional. Great big, non-threatening internet hugs for you. I found The Courage to Heal helpful when I finally got help for my experiences. It is geared toward women, but most of the information would still apply if you switch the pronouns. I ended up with PTSD from my experiences. I encourage you to seek help. The people at RAINN can help you start.
It's not just the entertainment industry. Research suggests that the proportion of males with pedophilic interest ranges from 5% having some degree of interest to 1% having exclusive interest. Figures for females are about 10 times lower. Here's a source for those figures, from the book Understanding and Addressing Adult Sexual Attraction to Children by Sarah D. Goode.
The entertainment industry is however inherently in the news/of public interest so those cases tend to get more prominence.
There is actually a whole area of study around spiritual abuse (a good start), which is of course a subset of abuse. It sounds like his MIL likely attends a spiritually abusive church - or was already steeped in abusive beliefs and found a church that fit her existing abusive view.
Good book for you and grandma "Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women"
https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004KPLWIK/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/
Medications can definitely help, but sometimes when it comes to trauma and CPTSD, I feel like they are only "bandaids" that can assist us with coping with the symptoms - but they won't treat the cause.
Self-education and reflection through reading Pete Walkers CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (his website's articles are awesome, too), and Beverly Engel's It Wasn't Your Fault were a huge assistance to my recovery starting out.
The other recommendation I would have are support groups and therapy. I understand how difficult it can be to find/access/afford a trauma-informed therapist, but I found a lot of support and assistance in codependency support groups (CODA.org) and Adult Children of
Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.
Take your time with it. Take breaks and be kind to yourself.
I’m working on Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive. 67% complete.
I found treats and rewards were helpful to motivate me for getting through hard chapters or when I didn’t want to pick it back up.
Useful for male survivors in my opinion.
Digital is good I think. No one is going to see it lying around.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B008FQGMY4/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.
For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother
This NPD website
For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
Adult Children of Abusive Parents
And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living
Complex PTSD
You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.
This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!
My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?
Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.
a link would be helpful....
yes we can search, sure but that requires a moment of effort... :)
like this -- :) link
From this book.
There are eight studies in total which have been conducted to date, which begin to help us answer the question of how many paedophiles there are, by looking at the responses of ‘normal’ men in the general adult male population (and one of the studies also included women in their study). The studies relied on three basic methods: direct self-report (what the research subjects themselves said about their sexual arousal to children); more general questionnaire responses (which included measurements such as ‘sexual impulsivity’ and self-esteem); and physical responses.
In this research, ‘physical responses’ meant fitting a ‘strain gauge’ to the man’s penis and using a machine called a ‘penile plethysmograph’ to measure how much his penis reacted, for example when images were shown or tapes narrating a sexual story were played. The results (especially when we compare them with the conviction/caution rate for child sexual offences) are pretty unexpected. If we take the clinical studies first, there have been five studies in this area (discussed in Green 2002). The earliest (Freund and Costell 1970) studied forty-eight young Czech soldiers who were shown slides of young children, adolescents and adults, both male and female. All the soldiers showed penile response to adult women, forty of them (83 per cent) showed penile response to adolescent girls, and twenty-eight of the soldiers (58 per cent) showed penile response to the slides of little girls aged four to ten years old. Next, in a study five years later (Quinsey et al. 1975), ‘normal’ men’s erections to pictures of pubescent and younger girls averaged 70 and 50 per cent, respectively, of their responses to adult women. Freund and Watson (1991), studying community male volunteers in a plethysmography classification study, found that 19 per cent were ‘misclassified’ as having an erotic preference for minors. In a control group of sixty-six males recruited from hospital staff and the community, 17 per cent showed a penile response that was pedophilic (Fedora et al. 1992). Finally, in the most recent study of this kind (Nagayama Hall et al. 1995), a sample of eighty volunteers was recruited from the general population. To explore their responses, the researchers showed the volunteers images and also used audiotapes with sexual narratives. The images and tapes referred to adult women and to girls under the age of twelve years. Sexual arousal was measured using self-report and physical measurements of penile arousal. In this presumably ‘normal’ community sample 20 per cent selfreported paedophilic interest and 26.25 per cent exhibited a penile response to paedophilic stimuli that equalled or exceeded their arousal to adult stimuli. The clinical studies therefore indicate that somewhere between 17 and 58 per cent of a ‘normal’ sample of men (who do not describe themselves as ‘paedophile’) seem to be capable of being sexually aroused by young children, under the age of twelve years old. In other words, roughly one in six to more than one in every two adult men may be capable of being sexually attracted to children.
Besides these laboratory studies there have also, to date, been three surveys which used questionnaires to explore adult sexual arousal to children. The first of these (Briere and Runtz 1989) looked at a sample of nearly 200 university males, in which 21 per cent reported some sexual attraction to small children, 9 per cent described sexual fantasies involving children, 5 per cent admitted to having masturbated to sexual fantasies of children, and 7 per cent indicated they might have sex with a child if not caught. This study was followed up a few years later (Smiljanich and Briere 1996), with a questionnaire study on 279 undergraduates which included ninety-nine men and 188 women. This found 22 per cent of the male sample (and 3 per cent of the female sample) admitted ‘some attraction to little children’, with 14 per cent of the men using child pornography, 4 per cent masturbating to sexual fantasies involving children and 3 per cent admitting to the ‘possibility of sex with child if undetected’ (figures for the female sample were respectively 4 per cent, 0 per cent and 0 per cent). Both these studies made the point that any self-report of socially unacceptable phenomena is likely to underestimate it, so these figures may be conservative. The most recent study in this area used similar questions to the two previous surveys (Becker-Blease et al. 2006) in a self-completion questionnaire study of 531 undergraduate men. This study found only 7 per cent admitted sexual attraction to ‘little children’, but 18 per cent had sexual fantasies of children, with 8 per cent masturbating to those fantasies, and 4 per cent admitting that they would have sex with a child ‘if no one found out’.
> Treating Survivors of Child Abuse: Psychotherapy for the Interrupted Life.
http://www.amazon.com/Treating-Survivors-Childhood-Abuse-Psychotherapy/dp/1593853122
ha... it's real!
Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women
One thing that gradually happens in working with a good therapist is that you get to develop and hold on to a point of view that is truly your own. This is something that fundamentally threatens any cult, which can’t allow you to have that POV. You can do this.
Book: https://www.amazon.com/Traumatic-Narcissism-Relational-Subjugation-Perspectives/dp/0415510252
I was born and raised in a cult. My parents were both narcissistic. Yay for me!
The reason why it feels very related, it’s because most (I’d say all) leaders/gurus are narcissists. Think of the cult as a gigantic “family”. They use the same techniques and tactics. It doesn’t truly matter what the belief system is, the belief system is there as a facade.
I’d say a great read is the book Traumatic Narcissism by Dan Shaw. He goes into a lot of detail about gurus and narcissism.
Edit to add Thought Reform by Robert J Lifton and looking into his categories.
So yes. TLDR. There’s a lot of crossover.
I could not agree more . . . I used to cut when I was a teenager, and I was locked up in CCM, a WWASP program with dozens of other girls who were cutters. most people who cut do so because their emotional pain is so intense that they need a release. Usually it's not nearly as dangerous as it looks to outsiders. I found these books helpful. http://www.amazon.com/Cutting-Understanding-Self-Mutilation-Steven-Levenkron/dp/0393319385/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322706277&sr=1-3 and http://www.amazon.com/Bright-Red-Scream-Self-Mutilation-Language/dp/0140280537/ref=sr_1_11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322706277&sr=1-11
I hear you, and I'm so, so sorry that you were hurt like that. It was not your fault in any way. It makes sense that you're struggling with it despite the good things in your life, especially since you blocked it out for so long.
It sounds like you're doing an amazing job of moving forward. Your description of the circle with the crack running through it really resonated with me; I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling. You are not alone.
The only suggestions I have would be to seek out therapy if possible, as well as a place of support from people who have been through similar things (for example, r/rapecounseling); try doing a workbook like the Courage to Heal Workbook; and most of all, be gentle with yourself.
Be careful not to push yourself too hard. You are already making excellent progress, be sure to acknowledge and congratulate yourself for how far you've come.
Take good care of your physical health (exercise, sleep, eat healthy foods), spend time with people who love and care about you, and that crack will gradually heal more and more.
hugs
I'm reading a new book called Mothers who can't love by Susan Forward (who also wrote Toxic Parents). It's a really excellent book, and doesn't just cover narcs but several other types of mothering that do damage to children. It also talks about how to heal from it and how to deal with your relationship with your mother. One of the few books I've seen that actually has a chapter on NC.
You can do this. Your mom is a real piece of work (based solely on this story), and you deserve to live your life and not have to put up with being manipulated like this.
Hugs if you want them.
Luckily my mom is into self-help stuff. She loves going on youtube and watching stuff on narcissism and psychology. If only she would connect the dots - ha ha! She really likes http://www.marcandangel.com/ I'm guessing she is not meant to look at such sites. She takes tips from some of the self-help books I have read and found good. I'm hoping to one day get her to read "The subtle power of spiritual abuse", which is a very good book. https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Power-Spiritual-Abuse-Manipulation/dp/0764201379
It drives me nuts that she can't connect the dots.
I would point you to the book The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. In it are stories of dozens of trauma survivors who only late in life are able to recall the extent and details of the abuse they suffered.
That was exactly my wife's case. It was only in her late 40's when the mental and emotional wall her subconscious had built around her abuse broke and she was able to fully recall events that happened to her as a child. That is what the mind does: walls off pain and trauma. Some people's trauma comes back to them just after the passage of time, some after years of therapy, and for some after some life stressor. The last was what happened to my wife. She took a job where the director was a man of near her father's age. He turned out to be extremely manipulative, dishonest, and patronizing. It was proximity to that man, of him having power over her, that finally broke her subconscious barriers down. That in itself nearly killed her.
I know there is no "one size fits all" answer to trauma. I am saying that for many survivors, this is the pattern.
Australia -
https://www.amazon.com.au/Scapegoat-Child-Guide-Narcissistic-Family-ebook/dp/B07MLTH1VP
Edit to add - thank you!
Hi. I read The Courage to Heal (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01097MG8C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) while doing
CBT and being able to process my emotions around childhood abuse with a trained professional helped me enormously.
Personally, at an early stage of processing the trauma, I wouldn't recommend talking about it in a group setting that isn't known to be 100% safe and supporting for trauma survivors, with a trained facilitator present. Yes, you might trigger others but just as important, you might not get what you need and feel retraumatized as a result.
I agree with the other commenters that this really isn’t about your food. Your mom sounds a bit toxic and I’d recommend distancing yourself from her. Doing so is hard because we’re societally taught that mom is good and not to question her or her love or behavior. But that’s not always the case. A book that really helped me see the issues in my relationship with my mom was Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward.
Also, I’d recommend therapy to help talk through everything that’s happened, how it’s affected you, and moving forward. This should just be you though, taking her with you probably won’t go well.
I don't know if this will ring true with you at all, but if it does it might help a bit:
N mothers see their daughters as extensions of themselves, as other people have said; but what makes them suddenly distance themselves is sometimes not a reduced ability to control you (some kids don't grow out of that control at all), but the sudden realisation that you are growing up. If you are growing up, that means you'll become a woman - a younger, prettier, "threatening" woman. It commonly seems to happen around the puberty mark, when they have to start thinking of you as having the potential to be sexually active and menstrual. Then you're no longer an accessory but another rival. If your N made a lot of criticisms about your physical appearance or how you relate to boys (I'd say "or girls", but let's be honest, how many Ns believe in gay), that could be a factor.
​
Source, cos I can't pretend I made this connection myself: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/0062204343
Something helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Your-Fault-Childhood-Self-Compassion/dp/1626250995
There's almost no information out there whatsoever. When I first realized I was a pedophile I looked online for something, anything, that could give me some answers or offer some support, but there was nothing. The best I got was that support group, but that took years to find. Getting therapy is very dangerous because you might have a bad reaction like Adam did, and given the fact that I volunteered with kids I was doubly afraid of disclosing that information, even to a therapist. Even if they were open to working with me, they'd probably have no training or experience working with a non-offending pedophile. All the research and methods for working with pedophiles are designed for people who've already committed a crime, not those striving not to. Its a mess.
Aside from the Moore Center and Virped mentioned in the medium article, I have found a few books by Sarah Goode, who, according to what I just looked up, is the CEO of StopSO, which trains therapists in the UK to work with non-offending pedophiles. (I've never heard of them, but they sound cool) I've read Understanding and Addressing Adult sexual Attraction to Children and thought it was very well done. If you do choose to read it, I would be very interested in getting your take on it as a mental health professional.
With the standard caveats about how not everyone needs what other people need...I see a psychologist (not a psychiatrist), so it's talk therapy and not meds, where the psychological orientation is "interpersonal" (i.e. her goal is to be a functioning interpersonal relationship of mine). I interviewed several with the question "how do you help someone with these problems" and made sure I liked what I heard.
I'm also in a therapy group where all of the members get to try out having feelings with each other and see how they react to each other and how other people react to them. It's pretty hard to sniff out one of those locally, but it's a really valuable way to work on interpersonal stuff.
Books on relationship stuff: You can look at John Gottman's books (here is a cheat sheet) for thoughts on marriage. For stuff like "OMFG my parents taught me nothing" I also used to look at books like this one as well. But I really feel like therapy is the best place for it. It's like going to a personal trainer vs. trying to learn how to work out by yourself at home -- you could probably figure it out on your own, but it's a lot faster if someone shows you the ropes.
Congrats!!! When I became an Atheist I felt the exact same way.
I don't know your exact situation, but years after of becoming an Atheist, despite concrete beliefs I still struggled with deep shame from my upbringing. This book has been life changing for me to finally let go of my past and the way I was raised. I recommend checking it out! https://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Your-Fault-Childhood-Self-Compassion/dp/1626250995
The article mentioned Michael Lesher who was writing a book about this subject at the time.
He wrote it. Here's a link- Sexual Abuse, Shonda and Concealment in Orthodox Jewish Communities"
He wrote a book and it is one of the best SNL books I've read. He was using while he was on the show. He performed while high as a kite on crack, he said he did crack because it's AWESOME. You should read the book, it's funny as hell and really gives you insight into his life. The stuff about his mother is surreal. Pure lunacy.
http://smile.amazon.com/God-Youre-There-cked-Mind-Altering-ebook/dp/B004X2J6XI/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411079206&sr=1-1&keywords=darrell+hammond
If you watch the sketches he quotes in the book as the ones he did totally whacked out, you'd never notice he was about to rip his face off as soon as the scene ended.
I have a shelf full, but here are some winners for BPD:
Toxic Parents
Mothers Who Can't Love
Emotionally Absent Mother
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
Drama of the Gifted Child
Children of the Self-Absorbed
Oh hell, son, they've written books about the subject. You Zionists just don't know that we know yet. But you will when we sting.
I can also recommend the following:
Not Trauma Alone, Dr. Steven Gold - http://www.amazon.com/Not-Trauma-Alone-Therapy-Survivors/dp/0415763339
Joining Forces, Dr. Howard Fradkin - http://www.amazon.com/Joining-Forces-Empowering-Survivors-Thrive-ebook/dp/B008FQGMY4/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453749362&sr=1-1&keywords=joining+forces+empowering+male+survivors+to+thrive
Challenging Casanova, Dr. Andrew Smiler - http://www.amazon.com/Challenging-Casanova-Beyond-Stereotype-Promiscuous/dp/1118072669
Beyond Betrayal, Dr. Richard Gartner - http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Betrayal-Taking-Charge-Boyhood/dp/1630260363
Betrayed as Boys, Dr. Richard Gartner - http://www.amazon.com/Betrayed-Boys-Psychodynamic-Treatment-Sexually/dp/1572306440/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
I Don't Want To Talk About It, Dr. Terrence Real -
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FC0Q0C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1
Also you may want to look at the bookstore on MaleSurvivor's website - http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html
This is also an incredible resource if she was abused: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Courage-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Sexual/dp/0060964375
It's hard when friends want to help you but don't know how. It's hard to explain to them.
There is a book that I bought, read, and then lent to my friends and family to read, it seemed to help them understand a lot better.
It's called "Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation" by Steven Levenkron . If you can find it in a library, bookstore or even just order it off amazon, I'd suggest reading it and then letting friends borrow it. You can get a used copy for about $6. It's very worth it. I suggest the book to a lot of people.
Again, good luck with everything. :)
This book The Courage to Heal is extremely comforting and great at making sense of your emotions from being molested or abused. In my experience people who have been molested tend to walk into situations where they're reabused - like the ass with the photographs. Knowing that kinda thing I think helps you to not beat yourself up about the after effects and just have empathy for yourself for having gone through shit early on.
Some doctors go nuts with the diagnosing. Especially bipolar - some doctors throw everything into that. And if you're on more than a couple pills I'd definitely get a second opinion. I've seen people get way more messed up from too many/the wrong drugs than from what they were originally facing.
Are you seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist? Because it sounds like you have allot to let out.
Do you know why you hurt yourself? Is it self hatred? Does it give you a way to control your feelings? Do you think they are building up to a suicide attempt?
You sound bright and like you've got some fight in you - I hope you can channel that into getting better and being the full person you've got in there.
Self-harm is scary to a lot of people. I think that for most people who never did it, cutting or hurting yourself to feel better makes about as much sense as drinking to help with sobriety. So I do understand why people often freak out over it, even if it's unhelpful. Couple that with the notion that many people have that if you punish something enough, the person will stop doing it and you have a recipe where authority figures will try to solve a problem through discipline. It doesn't work, but I can see how it happens. It's extremely uncomfortable for many people to imagine a mindset where they would cut themselves, so they refuse to think too long on a good solution and just end up reacting irrationally.
Thank you for your kind words, by the way. It's been over a decade since I've had problems with self-harm. I've learned much better ways of coping with things and life has been treating me pretty well, so it's not tempting to me at all anymore.
The book Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation is actually quite good. It might help OP to pick up and read a copy.
I am so sorry this happened to you. That was not okay in any way, not ever. I am angry for you. You were absolutely raped by the boy—you said no, he ignored it, that is not consent by any stretch of the imagination. It sounds like you disassociated which is very common in sexual abuse survivors. I believe you. I hear you. You are not crazy or wrong or any thing that anyone wants to gaslight you about. Though it’s hard to know for sure, the counsellors may have been grooming him and engaging in the more emotional version of sexual abuse. While this does not in any way deny what happened to you, if he was learning those behaviours from the counsellors he may have been repeating them with you, which is the vicious cycle of sex abuse; if is horrific and sad and I wish for it to end. It is awful. What happened to you is awful! Your anger is a good thing; your boundaries were violated, you were violated, you said no. You have every right to be outraged. This anger will help you reclaim your power in your journey toward healing. I see you, and you are not alone. You’re allowed to be here; you exist.
I’d recommend finding an EMDR therapist who specialises in trauma. It was the only thing that helped me heal. Also read the book The Body Keeps The Score and The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse ; they changed my life.
Consensually holds hand
Yeah, I got all that shit.
It's a relatively common idea in mental health that a lot of problems people have include a genetic component, and are triggered or worsened by life events or thought patterns. Usually people that have things like anxiety or depression have two things going on: a genetic tendency towards that mental health problem and some kind of mental pattern caused by trauma or upbringing that "activates" it.
In a lot of people, anxiety or depression can be "activated" by internalizing certain messages in childhood about not being good enough or something like that. Depending on how strong your genetic tendency for it is, you might not even need anything special beyond the shitty, but normal, societal messages about what it means to be successful and attractive. But for other people, even if they had a good upbringing otherwise, it can be activated by trauma.
It's also worth considering is that CSP is often likened to two different things: 1) OCD and 2) addiction, depending on who's doing the research, and both of these things are often associated with trauma.
Here's a little book my therapist recommended to me about complex trauma. It's kind of like a quick overview with a few little nuggets of surprising information. I wouldn't recommend it if you're already well-versed in complex trauma, but if it's kind of new to you, or you haven't really researched it, it's a quick, informative read.
For me personally, I found that I used to have my worst picking sessions while thinking about my abuser. My own link between abuse and picking seems rock solid. As I've made progress in dealing with my trauma, my picking has decreased.
That child abuse book that Daryl dropped is an actual book... You can buy it: http://www.amazon.com/Treating-Survivors-Childhood-Abuse-Psychotherapy/dp/1593853122
I recently found a book called “Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.”
My mother is a Borderline Personality. I’ve come a looooooong way in therapy, and have read both of Peg Streep’s books (Mean Mothers and Daughter Detox: Recovering from An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life) but this book has still helped me to see how insidious the psychological abuse was.
The hardest part of healing from this type of abuse is finding all those ugly seeds that were planted in your young, child’s mind. You can’t challenge/confront an idea if you’re not even conscious of having the idea. It’s what keeps so many people trapped/stuck, either with the abuser or at a point of trying to heal but being unable to go farther and not understanding why.
Search For The Real Self: Unmasking The Personality Disorders Of Our Age - James F. Masterson M.D.
edit: here's the accompanying video of the author being interviewed about his book
Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation - Daniel Shaw
Aww, that's really romantic and I'm glad you found someone who you can be so intimate with. However, I'm sure you know that it's not a healthy thing to do and you should probably stop. There's a book that really helped me understand my own cutting, as well as get it under control. Here is the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Cutting-Understanding-Self-Mutilation-Steven-Levenkron/dp/0393319385
Here are some resources I found. I hope they are helpful.
Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3KJOS5MCJHDF6&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough&qid=1569021426&s=gateway&sprefix=will+i+ever+be+%2Caps%2C231&sr=8-1
https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Mother-Understanding-Narcissism-Daughters-ebook/dp/B07X7XKZBY/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=npd+mother+daughter&qid=1569021762&s=gateway&sr=8-6
https://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=pd_sbs_14_3/135-2861419-6173028?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=006220436X&pd_rd_r=2f646092-d474-4db0-a196-5ff21f95c08a&pd_rd_w=qAhbz&pd_rd_wg=fguag&pf_rd_p=d66372fe-68a6-48a3-90ec-41d7f64212be&pf_rd_r=CA0JTDDMD9K4CB14CT14&psc=1&refRID=CA0JTDDMD9K4CB14CT14
Articles:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201310/mothers-who-are-jealous-their-daughters
https://greatist.com/live/mother-daughter-jealousy#5
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2016/10/dealing-with-the-jealous-mother/
Podcast:
https://player.fm/series/the-narcissist-in-your-life-podcast/narcissistic-mothers-corrosive-jealousy-of-their-daughters
I googled and apparently I mis-remembered, it's actually titled "A Child Called It", but hey... it's been a couple decades since then.
She'd also just pull over the car on the side of the highway and tell me to get out and whore myself on the street if I was so ungrateful to be "a part of the family". The whole forcing you to beg for the privilege to stay thing... She'd pull it so often that I kept a bug out bag packed in my closet in the hopes I could just grab it and run. Packed with all the things a child thinks they'll need if they strike out on their own - like a single change of clothes, a handful of change, and a stale ziploc bag of snacks. I even thought I could cut my hair and dress as a boy so that police would have a harder time identifying and returning me.
I'm very sorry that you had to go through that. That is a truly horrible experience for anyone to endure. I'm also sorry for making it sound so simple and easy, because it is definitely not. It is a challenge. It took me a long ways to get to where I am today. The fact is you can do this, although you may not think you can. It is possible. I understand that we are not the same person, but we are both human beings, and we have both endured pretty bad sexual abuse at a young age. Overcoming your situation by yourself is near impossible. What I would suggest is that you find a good clinical hypnotherapist. Not somebody that just wants to prescribe you antidepressants and Xanax and that garbage. One that wants to actually heal your emotional scars. Please PM me if you are interested and maybe I can help you locate one.
Edit: Also, in order to get to the point where you are able to forgive your abuser(s), there are many things that need to be overcome along the way. I had help with this. I did not do this by myself. I highly recommend that you check out this book. It is only $13.00 and it should help you make some progress. I also understand that you may not be able to afford a good therapist, as they can be quite pricey. There are other methods and again I urge you to PM me if you would like help. I will give you any help that I can.
Here are a few books that helped
Wolves in sheep's clothing
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1935166301/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_vtd7AbB3D5CDN
Twisted scriptures
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310234085/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_Pdd7Ab7QTZ3SY
Subtle power of spiritual abuse
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0764201379/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_gfd7AbKPXEC1M
If you need healing, I suggest counsellor. Get a Christian counsellor if possible.
If you need a healing book there are also good ones out there.
There are truly healthy churches out there with people who encourage, edify and wont get in between you and Jesus. The problem starts at the top and has filtered down through all those he has influenced and taught how to teach orhers. Don't give up on the church, the way it is supposed to be. It takes time. I am still healing too. If you have been there long it takes some undoing.
This one
I find it works best when it's a million tiny changes, that slowly, slowly add up to a healthier life. It takes a while, bit it's so, so worth it.
Catering to my situation (right now I'm healing my child aged 4-14), I re-decorated my room to have more kid-stuff in it. I got a stuffed animal that I cuddle, I got a little princess crown I wear alone, I'm giong to the salon sometimes to paint my nails purple. I basically am giving her free reign to have a happy little girly life that she always wanted. She feels safe to be who she really is. Eventually I'm going to get a little barbie doll or something for her so she has something to play with.
In terms of healing my adult self (I'm mid-20s), I have a lot of social anxiety, and I'm a waitress which is probably dumb haha, but i like the co-workers. Even if I feel like i say something super stupid, or I'm REALLY awkward (which I always am), I just remind myself that it's not my fault for being terrified of people, and that it's okay that I push people away and act a little cold because that is what kept me safe as a child.
So that was a long explanation lol, but it's little itty bitty steps and eventually you'll start to have tiny habits that are self loving and not self harming, and they're really fun to do!
Maybe talk to your therapist (or on here) about ways you self harm, and then talk about more healthy ways you can get through tough times.
I zone out on watching that tv show Friends for a few hours a day. I don't really know why... something about the show zones me out of life and I stop having as many panic attacks. Literally if I feel like I'm falling into a trigger I'll re-run an episode in my head... It's weird I'm aware, and i'm literally addicted to it... but it works for me so... sweet.
a good explanation of this is this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Courage-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Sexual/dp/0060964375
She has a chapter dedicated to making unhealthy punishments just altered into healthy alternatives.
My name is Cory
I recently picked up this, Darrell Hammond's autobiography:
God, If You're Up there, I'm F*cked: Tales of Stand-Up, Saturday Night Live, and Other Mind-Altering Mayhem
I initially got it because I am personally a fan of Mr. Hammond and Saturday Night Live, but upon reading it I found much more. Like Darrell, I live to make people laugh. I would find out this was one of many things we had in common. Throughout his life, Darrell Hammond has struggled with bouts of depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and numerous suicide attempts. 2 years ago, I was at a low point in my life, struggling with my sexual orientation and dealing with major depression and a lifelong battle with obesity. I tried to cut my wrists. It is shocking to some that someone who loves to laugh, and loves to make others laugh could be at such a point where they feel the desire to hurt himself, but Darrell Hammond taught me that we can overcome these demons. We can fall, as long as we get back up again. We can be both our own worst enemy and our own best friend, even at the same time. And perhaps most importantly, nothing can replace the feeling we get when we put a smile on someones face. I'm convinced Darrell Hammond wrote this book to save his own life.
I'd love this Ebook so I can have this piece of writing with me wherever I go on this very transitional phase of my life. I will look to it often when I am struggling, and know that my demons and challenges don't define who I am, even when I succumb to them. The most important thing is to keep on going, and keep on doing what I love.
The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist is on my reading list. I haven't read it yet, but the reviews look great.
I have read The Journey and Healing from Hidden Abuse both of which touch on covert narcissism. The latter is a little bit more about romantic relationships but still has really good insights in it.
From this book.
Section III: How many paedophiles are there?
Another form of evidence is to use data on brain structure and neuroendocrinology. This has some fascinating implications both for understanding how many paedophiles there may be in a population and also what the biochemical basis of paedophilia (or at least some aspects of it) might be. Studies have looked at how the male human brain is ‘masculinised’ and ‘defeminised’ by hormones circulating in the mother’s body while the baby is still in the womb.
At the embryo stage, all babies are ‘female’ in that, unless acted upon by specific hormones, babies develop the internal reproductive organs, external genitalia and forms of brain structure which are ‘feminine’ or ‘female-typical’. Only in the relative presence of certain hormones and the relative absence of others will embryos develop into males. In order to become male, therefore, an embryo needs both to be actively ‘masculinised’ and also actively ‘defeminised’.
The process of masculinisation occurs first, then defeminisation. According to biologists studying animal models (Feierman 1990; Hutchison and Hutchison 1990), the neurochemical process of masculinisation links sexuality with ‘social dominance’ behaviours, that is, competitive aggressiveness, active ‘courtship’ and ‘mounting’ or ‘insertion’ behaviours. This linking of sexuality with social dominance makes males sexually attracted to ‘small’, ‘weak’, ‘young’ and ‘helpless’ individuals (Feierman 1990: 46).
Feierman suggests that the brains of paedophiles are ‘extremely masculinised’ (1990: 46; later Feierman adjusts this to ‘slightly more masculinised than occurs in adult heterosexual males’, 1990: 53), making them more likely to find extremely submissive (that is, very small, weak, young and helpless) individuals the most sexually attractive.
The neurochemical process of defeminisation removes the ‘female-typical’ behaviour patterns (such as mammals sticking out their bottoms to encourage males to mate with them – think Marilyn Monroe, if you will) and at the same time increases the likelihood that males will find such ‘feminised’ behaviour sexually alluring (think of the typical heterosexual male response to Monroe).
Feierman claims that paedophiles are ‘slightly less defeminised’ than heterosexual men (1990: 53), thus they would be less likely to be aroused by typical ‘feminine’ behaviours.
Sociobiological explanations for human behaviour do have a rather conservative tendency to look at what is, and then search for explanations in unlikely places (mice, reptiles, birds and so forth) to explain and justify the social status quo; however, the two-dimensional model of embryonic brain masculinisation and brain defeminisation can both suggest why some men might find children sexually attractive and also predict, given a normal distribution curve for this biochemical process, what order of magnitude we might expect for paedophiles in a population.
Feierman (1990: 51), looking only at men, suggests that ‘the central tendency in evolution is to produce heterosexual males by producing an optimal amount of masculinisation and defeminisation of the male brain in utero.’ When the levels of masculinisation and defeminisation are slightly skewed, homosexuality, paedophilia (to either males or females) or transsexualism will result. From this model, Feierman predicts that, in any given population of men, paedophiles will be more common than homosexuals who will in turn be more common than transsexuals. He also predicts that:
If the distribution of the points in the model reflects differing degrees of masculinisation and defeminisation of the male brain, then there is every reason to believe that the distributions would actually be continuous across all males rather than being discontinuous around arbitrary and nonmutually exclusive categories such as ‘heterosexual’ and ‘androphilic ephebophile’ [a man attracted to adolescent boys]. (Feirerman 1990: 52)
Feierman later describes this rather technically but memorably in the following way:
[Paedophiles] are the ‘by-products’ of the inevitable biological variation around a selected central tendency. So that most males will ‘love’ children and adolescents just the right amount…some males will unfortunately love them too little and some too much. Such males, who love children and adolescents to a degree more than average or less than average, will be carried along in a population in the tails of frequency distributions. …It is most likely, therefore, that pedo- and ephebophilia are individual, facultative proclivities that are bent out of the tails of hormonal frequency distributions around the optimum brain masculinisation and brain feminisation of the ‘average male’. (Feierman 1990: 559, 563)
In other words, Feierman seems to be implicitly proposing four important hypotheses in this model:
Feierman is also, of course, conflating ‘love’ with sexual attraction, but, leaving that on one side, these are still some pretty hefty claims and would clearly need a great deal of substantiating evidence. Hutchison and Hutchison, for example, working for the British Medical Research Council Neuroendocrine Development and Behaviour Group and writing on ‘Sexual development at the neurohormonal level: the role of androgens’, are more cautious, commenting that most work so far has been carried out on animal models such as rodents and birds, as well as in-vitro experiments and that postnatal social experience ‘appears to be more influential in human development than it is in the development of nonhuman species’ (1990: 538). Feierman would also need to explain why, if this is an evolutionary biological process, we do not find paedophile behaviour in animals, including in primates (for evidence that we do not, see chapters in Feierman’s own edited volume, 1990).
Following on from Feierman’s implication that sexual attraction to children may represent a continuum within human male sexuality, a further way to approach the question of the prevalence of paedophilia is to look at what ‘normal’ adults – who are not defined in any way as ‘paedophile’ – may reveal about their sexual attraction to children.
There are eight studies in total which have been conducted to date, which begin to help us answer the question of how many paedophiles there are, by looking at the responses of ‘normal’ men in the general adult male population (and one of the studies also included women in their study). The studies relied on three basic methods: direct self-report (what the research subjects themselves said about their sexual arousal to children); more general questionnaire responses (which included measurements such as ‘sexual impulsivity’ and self-esteem); and physical responses.
There are thousands of child abuse stories / memoirs on Amazon. A Child Called It is known nationwide, hugely popular, and Amazon carries it just fine. Especially in the context of a memoir, child abuse isn't prohibited at all.
Hmm...well, therapy was an enormous help for me. But I know not everyone has insurance that covers it. I also dealt with severe physical abuse, so maybe the books I read won't work for you.
However...I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2/175-5751338-3289757?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_r=1SHX5JYKVB1D1XTKMJZM&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=1944687542&pf_rd_i=0688140718
http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&dpID=51p3IsmSqxL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR107%2C160_&refRID=0GAX75MV0QW96MAX79QS
These are not books I have read. The one I did read was "Adult Children of Abusive Parents". http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884
That covers a lot of narcissistic issues as well, so while abuse doesn't seem to be an issue (although, when you do your soul-searching, you might uncover some truths that your parents maybe were emotionally abusive to you) it could be a very helpful book.
On those links on Amazon, if you scroll down it will show you similar books. Peruse them. Some are crap, others are very good. In every book, there will be info you will disagree with, or info that does not apply to you. That's ok. Focus on the info that resonates with you and applies to you.
And I warn you, it might be a painful experience, and things that happened a long time ago that did not make sense at the time, may suddenly make sense now that you can see their motivation behind their actions.
Best of all, however, is if you follow through, do the soul searching and most importantly, establish and stick with parameters that are right for you (and nobody else can say what is right for you) you will feel liberated. The guilt will be gone. You'll be able to throw off this huge weight you've been burdened with for so long that you likely don't even realize you've been carrying this stress around. I can tell just by what little you have shared that you harbor extreme guilt and worry that you are doing the 'wrong' thing and owe them more and are not being fair to your parents. All of which reflects that they have been very successful at emotionally manipulating you for their very selfish, narcissistic reasons.
Hope this helps!
Edit: I re-read your question of "what can you do" for the feeling bad that breaking away from your parents brings?
Time. Time, and sticking to your guns. I remember the first time I informed my parents of certain parameters by writing to them. I was ready to go out and buy a nice card, and my friend stopped me and said simply use a page of regular binder paper. I felt like I was committing some crime. As time passed and the initial shock was over, I slowly realized that placing parameters and refusing to allow myself to be emotionally manipulated was wonderful! You will stop feeling guilty and 'bad'. You will think, 'why did I not do this earlier'? You will develop confidence and realize you are doing the absolute right, moral and correct thing.
And, you may be sad and hurt, and even angry that your parents did what they did for so long.
So, be kind to yourself, accept that this is a process that won't change over night, and trust the process.
I use Treating Survivors of Childhood Abuse a lot with clients. The first half of the book is focused on a program that you can use with clients that have experienced trauma before doing the actual trauma work.
It's focused on increasing their coping skills and on behavioral techniques.
I found this book helpful.
Also, look up "grey rock" and "structured contact", in case you are not ready to go full no contact (NC).
Walker's book is definitely worth the effort if one has the time to plow through it all while trying to understand all the (many) concepts. I think >>> this book <<< is much easier to grasp as a "portal," however.
You can also look through A CPTSD Library.
The Kindly Ones by Johann Littell, certainly hard to swallow.
If you want something really hard, it doesn't get much worse than this autobiography (!!): http://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive-ebook/dp/B004FN1T3K/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
Honestly, it's hauntingly terrible to read, I would not recommend to read it unless, you have a good way of dealing with things like that.
It's not a horrorstory, it's something that actually happened to the author when he was a helpless child.
If you think the problem is all you I recommend this book.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Not-You-What-Happened/dp/1941536557