(Part 2) Top products from r/JUSTNOMIL

Basing a response on what you've said to us:

"Holidays for my family are all about relaxing, eating and enjoying friends and family [took a little liberty with 'getting turnt'; IL's don't sound like they'll fit in...]
As guests, your responsibility is to be gracious and to entertain yourselves rather than demanding an itinerary - or ANYTHING. I shouldn't have to tell you this - you're adults and presumably acquainted with the social graces - but I am."

"You're welcome at our Thanksgiving and to hang out if you behave like guests. The rest of the time you're on your own. None of us are your tour guide. Google some local attractions and decide what you might like to do."

It's been almost a year since I had a holiday with my own family. I'm doing so and have advised DH that he's welcome to look after you and to spend as much time as he wishes with you. I'll be hanging out with my folks and friends. Hope you have a great time."

This is salty. Overbearing and self-entitled people leave you little choice; they wouldn't be making ridiculous demands if they were sufficiently reasonable for you to be polte. You have to be blunt.

If they clutch their pearls and gasp tell them "Reasonable folks wouldn't require being spoken to this bluntly; it's sometimes called a clue-by-four. Now that I have your attention, realize how overbearing and ridiculous is your behavior. Or don't. Either way, my family and I will be spending this visit together rather than entertaining you."

Copy DH and tell him something like "Your parents are being ridiculous. They're your family. Dear, based on their demands I feel like saying 'your circus, your monkey's.' You're welcome to put up with / hang out with them all you want or feel obligated to. I won't and refuse to allow them to steal or spoil my time with my family. I find their behavior offensive BECAUSE IT IS. I hope if you let them impose on you, you begin to understand that Fear, Obligation and Guilt are a shitty basis for a relationship. With your parents or anyone."

And give him When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover for holiday reading.

I promise that 1) this experience WON'T loosen up FMIL or help her appreciate you. You've stolen her Baby Boy (hurk) and she's pissed. 2) She's shown you who she is. Believe her. 3) Absolutely somebody's going to be stuck trying to appease her; it doesn't have to be YOU. 4) Contact MIL as soon as you read this (unless it's 3 a.m.) and tell her that you're not her bank; her reservations will be canceled at 8 a.m. Thursday (allows her an extra day for Veteran's Day) unless you have the $1500 in full.

No, dear, you DON'T just have to front her funds; you're in a little FOG yourself. What's she going to do - spank you? Ground you? Stop speaking to you? (GOOD)

You're an adult. So is she, at least in years. You're her equal. She owes you reasonableness but you're clearly not going to get it without insisting on it.
You owe her FFF: Fair, Firm and Friendly until she's an ass, which she achieved some time ago. Now she gets Fair and Firm in perpetuity or until genuine change occurs. Perpetuity is waaaaay more likely.

Please accept that you get what you insist on rather than what you deserve. Taking this to heart - and living by it - is a significant sign of adulthood.

I hope you seize this opportunity to begin reclaiming your life; you deserve it. And maybe your very dear husband will start to see that the sky doesn't fall when mommy gets told no; that in fact things are better all around when she gets over her head exploding.

As other commenters have said, she could be looking for ways to help/things to do. Think of her like a toddler or a puppy, if you don't give her something safe and acceptable to do, she will have to come up with something on her own. You could set up "task stations" throughout the house; clean towels to fold in the laundry room, recyclables to wash in the kitchen, coloring or a puzzle in another room, have the broom and dustpan out where she can easily see them, etc. If they are easy, common (familiar) housekeeping tasks she should be able to do them without getting frustrated and feel like she is contributing. When you are working in the kitchen, you could have her wipe down the counters or table. Include her in as much of the housework as you can, if she spends 20 minutes washing the table, or ten seconds on the table, four minutes sweeping the floor, and 5 minutes washing recyclables and dishes that won't break, even if she does it all poorly, she was occupied where you can keep an eye on her, while you actually accomplish things.

If she can still read, you can type out instructions for things like creating a load of laundry (picture of a basket filled to a full load of things that can be washed together with instructions saying that the basket needs to be this full of the same color of dirty laundry before it can be washed). Also put reminders on the machines that you have to wait until the cycle is finished before things can be removed and a new load started, and a reminder to take out the load in the machine before adding a new load. Don't make a big deal about the instructions being for her, you and your partner can loudly remind each other to follow the instructions every time you go do laundry. You will still want to supervise her, but the signs might be enough to get the problem under control for awhile. You can also use a sharpie to make a bold mark showing where the dial should point.

Another commenter suggested having a decoy garbage can of clean recyclables for her to dig through, you could expand on that by having a large container of clean, mixed recyclables and some smaller bins to have her sort them into. She gets the fun of digging and gives her a way to "help". Things she finds that she seems especially enamored with (like your pill bottle) can live there. You could also try having her wash the recyclables as you get them and she can add them to her collection, if she has a constant inflow, you might be able to have a secret outflow. Going from ten to zero is much more upsetting and noticeable than removing the same number as are put in to maintain 20.

I agree with everyone saying to lock up the garbage and dog food. These are great for locking cabinets and you can get ones that use strong double stick tape if you don't want to put screw holes in the cabinets. You can also get safety locks (aimed at toddlers) for washers and dryers, it is possible that you could find one, or a combination of a couple, that would be too hard for her to figure out.

For your packages, if you have space by your door, you could get a locking storage bench (if the one you like doesn't have a way to lock it, it isn't too hard to add some hardware). UPS, USPS, and FedEx all have ways to add driver/delivery instructions to shipments, where you could put the combination, on their apps and webpages (unfortunately, I think you have to manually add them to each shipment).

And don't forget to buy some healthy dog treats (or reserve part of the pup's daily food allotment) and put one days worth at a time in a special treat container (or half a day to make it last longer), so she can still "spoil" the pup.

>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.

You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).

To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.

It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.

Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.

This. Girl you need a will and guardianship papers stat! Find a good family law or estate attorney and get it done. It's worth the money. Keep a copy on file at your house (in a safe, if you have one), a copy at your lawyer's office and a copy at a bank deposit box (if you don't have a safe.)

Be sure to check the security at your day care. Do they have a pick-up list? Do they enforce it? My son's daycare required a pick-up list. The parent had to call in and let them know someone else was coming. And that person had to show ID when they picked up. See if you can set a password on your account, so if someone comes to get your child, they have to show ID and give a password.

Sounds like you're already doing great on the documentation and the home security. You might want to consider getting a safe. They're not that expensive. We got a 2.5 cubic foot one at Sam's Club and it was $300, I think. It holds a ton of stuff - our taxes, important papers, passports, my good jewelry. That way you could keep your documentation safe too. Especially the baby's birth certificate and social security card. If you can't swing that right now (which I certainly understand with having a new baby), maybe a safe deposit box at your local bank.

Finally, I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, if you haven't already. It's all about trusting your own instincts in troubling situations. There are so many disturbing red flags in your post that are screaming "Danger! Danger!" in my head, and I don't even know this woman.

Good luck with everything. I hope you have some calm so you can enjoy your new little one without being stressed. And so that you can heal. Enjoy every moment because you blink twice and they're 10 years old. Everyone says it, but it really is true.

> I'm usually a people pleaser

You and me both. But at some point, the pleasing-other-people part comes at a negative cost for you. I found a therapist I liked and worked on being less of a people pleaser. I'd highly recommend you do the same. It's hard to not feel guilty, but it feels SO much better when you realize you have nothing to feel guilty over (especially here).

If therapy isn't something you're ready to try, there's a great book called When I Say No I Feel Guilty that you can read to help you get in a better mindset about things like this.

Sounds like you have a narc on your hands, and you married her golden child. And that you should have stayed strong with your first NC, but isn't that true for all of us?

You're in the right place, and we can help you and if he'll let us- your husband. Who should check out /raisedbynarcissists.

Here's the three books I suggest that might really help with getting a good hold on the situation:

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

1. Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
   
2. Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
   
3. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
   
   If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
   

Books I recommend: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Emotional Blackmail.

As for finding a therapist, I would use your insurance provider's search and look up the offices and generally they should have a list of areas of expertise covered by their therapists. You want to look for descriptions like Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts, Codependency, Family Issues, and when he calls he can give a brief description like you mentioned in your post. They should be able to direct him to a counselor to set up a first appointment. Also, think of finding a therapist like finding a partner. The first person he meets might not be the best fit, and he doesn't have to keep going to them if he wants to find someone he feels more comfortable with.

Good luck to you both!

I'm late on this thread, but I hope you see this. A highly recommended book on another board is The Nice Girl Syndrome and it sounds like it could be something that could help you on your way!

Please, please, PLEASE hear me out on this.

My husband and I went through the Valley of the Shadow of Death in our marriage almost 10 years ago, and a huge part of it was him and his mom separately gaslighting and passive aggressively manipulating me.

The most important lesson I learned in that year from hell was LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION.
There is no tool more powerful for you right now than the quiet voice in the back of your mind saying, "Something doesn't seem right about this...". At times it may be confusing because 'So-and-so would never say or do that!', but I promise you that you have an amazing mind and parts of it are working 24/7 processing all the data you receive and finding the patterns you could never consciously think through.

I saw warning sign for over five years before everything blew up, and I ignored every single one of them because I didn't want to deal with the potential fallout.

From everything you've said your MIL is 100% aware of what she's doing, she's CHOOSING to do this, she's been playing the long game, and that's terrifying.

But you know what? It's ok to be terrified.
Number one, it means you are now both aware of what's going on and you're not ignoring or minimizing it, which in turn means you can now work to handle the situation.
Number two, CC had broken her facade. The poet Maya Angelou summed it up perfectly when she said,
>When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

MIL has not only been explicitly clear about what she thinks of you, but she has done so in front of multiple witnesses (and possibly security cameras-- might want to get copies of video if possible). Neither her, D(amn)H, or anyone else can gaslight you about this.

If you can get a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Dr Becker. Its arguably the most recommended book on JNMIL, and I think it would do you a world of good.

You are handling all of this so well, especially while expecting DD. Take time to take care of yourself and kiddos, and know that you are not alone in all of this. (hugs, if wanted)

Leave a copy of this book - Natural Harvest cooking with semen - YUMMY! out on the side in a place where she will see it when she goes in the bathroom.

When you come home, tell her you've just gotten a great new cooking book and are looking forward to trying out the recipes and ask if she wants to come over for dinner.

Adult baby play giant diapers are always good.

Find out her favorite TV show and find a kinky version of the main character's signature clothing (if applicable), then hang it on a coathanger in the bathroom.

See if you can get a male friend to pose in bed with you and your husband... and put the pictures up on the bathroom mirror, next to the tube of half empty, sticky finger print covered lube.

Check your Ring system for gaps in coverage. Add more cameras as necessary. Put chains on the front AND back doors - something like https://www.amazon.com/National-Hardware-N335-984-Security-Guards/dp/B001RUEWUQ/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1527789124&sr=8-7&keywords=Door+chain is supposed to be stronger than a true chain.

Put longer screws in your door hardware. Always lock the pedestrian door to the garage, and the door from the garage to the house. If you have a fence, put locks on the gates, and use them.

Consider a large, loving dog to protect your LO.

Thanks for posting that. The concept of the covert-aggressive personality is proving to be quite an eye-opener. We're both reading a book on the topic to gain further insight, and it feels like another big piece of the puzzle for me. The book (In Sheep's Clothing) is really making it clear that overly conscientious people, such as myself, put way too much effort into trying to understand the people who are screwing them over, and not nearly enough effort into defending themselves and asserting what they want.

Yes, we have these dandy ones, they work very well, have a lock-stop button for times when you want them to stay unlocked (e.g. cleaning time), and are fairly easy to install. $25 for 8 isn't a bad deal either. Any sufficiently strong magnet can unlock them if you lose the key, but we're pretty much talking neodymium magnets here, so toys won't do it. We keep our key on the side of fridge.

How about a helping hand:
[snip snip glue glue]

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

• Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  
• Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  
• Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
  
  If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.

>https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000XYWZYW/ref=cm\_sw\_r\_cp\_apa\_i\_IYa4DbKXFEJB9

I NEED these!!

I can't even cut scallions (green onions) without tears streaming down my face. Putting it in the fridge helps a little, but not much. These would be a life saver. Especially since as a half Pakistani half Italian girl who loves cooking, I use a LOT of onions in my cooking.

If you go on Amazon.com and search mother in law. The amount of things are funny.

Lie #1

Oh lawdy I dont know if they mean they will take of the MIL or what?

Toxic In-Laws, Strategies for protecting your marriage Lots of good reviews on this book actually!

These work pretty good in my experience. Cheapest ones I've seen are around 5 bucks.

I've found that gifting this to people I strongly dislike creates a good common ground that we are done and the person recieving it should lead a healthier life.

50 Ways to Eat Cock: Healthy Chicken Recipes with Balls! (Health AlternaTips) https://www.amazon.com/dp/148259143X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_uE.wDbPGD9T1T

I bought lab goggles for a chemistry class a few years ago, and I kept them for use in the kitchen.

You'll have marks around your eyes for a bit after cooking, but it's well worth it! Here's a link to some.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000XYWZYW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IYa4DbKXFEJB9

Live Ladybugs

Live Hissing Cockroach. Only 3 left, so act now!

Cow eyeballs in bulk!

Liquid Ass. You can always hope it leaks!

I found information in the following websites helpful, Please note, I know these aren't academic journals, but they provided me basic terminology and a framework:

https://www.amazon.com/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed-ebook/dp/B000P1KPQS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1487889996&sr=1-1&keywords=when+he%27s+married+to+mom

http://www.drpsychmom.com/2015/02/02/partners-maintain-childlike-role-around-parents/#

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/04/emotional-incest-part-1-definitions.html

http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=709

http://andmylifeitis.blogspot.com/2013/08/when-hes-married-to-mom-mother-enmeshed.html

http://foundationrestoration.org/2013/02/the-overlooked-affair/

https://pairedlife.com/etiquette/Is-His-Mother-Ruining-Your-Marriage

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-setting-boundaries-in-enmeshed-relationships/

https://coachjackito.com/blog/telling-adult-children-marriage-problems/

http://donnaferber.com/2013/02/adult-children-of-divorce-are-you-parenting-your-parent/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXO7BdY91Ow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-n7rNRsawA

I say this with a bit of pettiness and a lot of “be prepared for her craziness”:

[Portable door lock](Addalock - (1 Piece ) The Original Portable Door Lock, Travel Lock, AirBNB Lock, School Lockdown Lock https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00186URTY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2QZ2DbZXWEKEM)

Read the book "When I say no, I feel guilty". https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004IK8Q22/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

With how she raised you guilt is a motivational factor for not saying no to her and this book will help you come up with techniques on how to better handle situations with her.

Jumping on this comment for a promo. I have this one and I recommend it. Got it bc we travel and I didn't want housekeeping coming in during baby's nap time or while I was BFing.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00N95IVSQ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_M1oQCbSC11QMN

There's a fad about putting semen into food, too, because it's ... nutritious? I dunno, but here's a cookbook.

And OP- get yourself a copy of The Nice Girl Syndrome. eta; accidentally a word

I recommend you give your husband the books “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_w9yLDbYT1K69C

and Stop Walking on Eggshells

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_w-yLDbM2PS9HF

Poor BIL sounds stuck in the FOG, but without more details it's hard to tell. Pass this book along to SIL: Boundaries.

It's a good read for everyone with the possible Narcissist/BPD/nutcase in their lives.

Or a thermostat lock box for $15.99

Here ya go!

https://www.amazon.com/Liquid-Ass-Mister/dp/B000OCEWGW

https://www.amazon.com/National-Hardware-N335-984-Security-Nickel/dp/B001RUEWUQ/ref=sr_1_15/136-1209887-3493354?ie=UTF8&qid=1501208865&sr=8-15&keywords=door+security+devices

Just so she can't push her way in.

https://www.amazon.com/Rarelock-Stainless-Deadbolts-Installation-Convenient/dp/B01GQ8MCJQ/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-2-spons&keywords=travel+door+security&psc=1


https://www.amazon.com/DoorJammer-Portable-Security-Personal-Protection/dp/B00N95IVSQ/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-7&keywords=travel+door+security

https://www.amazon.com/Calslock-Portable-Door-Travel-Lock/dp/B00GMPFCNC/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-10&keywords=travel+door+security

https://www.amazon.com/Secure-Portable-Door-Safety-Lock/dp/B001IZ7RU2/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-11&keywords=travel+door+security

https://www.amazon.com/Secure-Portable-Door-Safety-Lock/dp/B001IZ7RU2/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1517518378&sr=8-11&keywords=travel+door+security

https://www.amazon.com/Buddybar-10311-Door-Jammer/dp/B002BQ4VBU/ref=pd_rhf_se_s_cp_0_6?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B002BQ4VBU&pd_rd_r=8378NCB79XSENRB6VMKX&pd_rd_w=gCuON&pd_rd_wg=vwWjE&psc=1&refRID=8378NCB79XSENRB6VMKX

I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.

Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.

I'll just leave this here...for science.

[cough cough....I'll just leave this here](http://www.Honeywell.com/ CG511A1000/C Medium The[cough cough I'll just leave this here](http://www.Honeywell.com/ CG511A1000/C Medium Thermostat Guard with Inner Shelf to Prevent Tampering (Clear) https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B000BPGP6M/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_NR84CbN0YABKB)

Was gonna suggest this for OP. Someone posted these magnetic locks to kid-proof cabinets, they require a magnet key to open. Install these and protect your dirty clothes, OP. http://www.amazon.com/Safety-1st-Magnetic-Locking-System/dp/B004GCJMLG/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1453149261&sr=8-3&keywords=magnetic+baby+locks

you should get one of these. Problem solved.

I recommend something more like this.

A hell of a lot harder to break one of them.

THIS IS AWESOME. Seriously. Maybe he doesn't realize how involved she already is in your lives because he grew up with her and he's used to her. But you've compromised enough. If his mom can't pony up with proof of her plans to confirm this won't be permanent, then you have every right to say no. You are not uncaring. But he's asking too much. This woman is already way more involved than is normal. She has issues and needs to find solutions. Enabling her won't help.
Read the preview of this book. I saw it posted on another thread and it sums up this situation quite well. He needs to realize she's using him. it may not be deliberate or malicious, but she's using him as a substitute partner nevertheless, and he's going to lose you if he keeps putting her first and not you.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed-ebook/dp/B000P1KPQS/ref=pd_ybh_a_22?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RXRY9H1DNX3CY15CWV5J

Whenever she complains, send her links to child-safe cabinet latches, cleaning supplies (mops or floor cleaners) or pet baby gates.

• Applications for jobs in Yemen!
  
• Adoption papers for Chinese children
  
• Put her birthday into a calendar on your wall on the wrong day.
  
• Find out what she wants for christmas, leave an open catalogue with the item circled several times and then don't buy it for her.
  
• Nursing home brochures ordered in her name.
  
• Buy this book leave it out and then invite her to dinner.
  
• Or this book and leave it on your bookshelf.
  
• Buy a Koran.
  

Standard US Amazon link with no affiliate links afaik: https://www.amazon.com/Nice-Girl-Syndrome-Manipulated-Standing/dp/0470579900

I needed it too. It helped me everywhere in life... My boss actually suggested it because he got sick of me not defending my projects even when it was valid to do so.

Invest in the Vulcan. Also I, personally, dual-wield a set of Barricades that have yet to let me down. When they run out of bullets, I just switch to a Marauder, but I don't think you want to do that...

... now that I'm thinking about it, if I start a chapter of the Order, my weapon is going to be Liquid Ass plus Airzooka Air Cannon because I am the family's Chaos Child and this is how I roll.

I'm working on it. Therapy once a week, and I'm struggling to finish a degree that I've been working on for a while. Whenever I do good work in school, I self-sabotage. It's infuriating. But these support groups on Reddit help a lot.

I hope other people who have enabler parents realize that it's OK to be mad at them. Yeah, they were victims of abuse in a way too, but we deserved better. IDK if your DH or you ever want book recommendations on enabler moms, but I've left a trail of breadcrumbs with book excerpts in them through my posts:

• The Emotionally Absent Mother, 2nd Ed by Jasmin Lee Cori. One of the few books I've found to talk about both abusive and enabler mothers. It has lots of journal exercises.
  
• The Enabler by Angelyn Miller. It's written by a woman who used to enable her husband and managed to recover. It's only around 100 pages long, so it's a quick read
  
• If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. Chapter 9: "Childlike Parenting" refers to enabler mothers and talks through examples.
  
• Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. Page 83. The link to the excerpt is here.
  
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. The "passive" parenting style is the enabler.
  
  The enabler bibliography is still a work in progress, but it's a great jumping off point for anyone else who is mad as hell at an enabler. I'll keep adding to it as I find more relevant books, essays, chapters, poems, etc.

So this absolute toenail of a woman has violated yours and SO's boundaries multiple times? She's been told a dozen time to cut that shit out and hasn't?

Get a lock for your door.

Can't do any damage to your door or frame of the door with screws because it's a rental or you're staying temporarily?

I got you.

Doorjammer. Easy operation, slide and adjust.

Addalock. Installs quickly, no tools needed, and easier to hide in case someone for whatever reason throws a fit about the door being locked.

Also, something else.

Door Stop Alarm. It doesn't lock the door, but it lets out a hell of a noise when it's tripped. Wanna embarass this toenail or just feel like being a bit petty? Boom, noisemaker.

No one is allowed into your room without permission. It is yours and SO's space, not for anyone else to invade. She is stomping your boundaries, and has not listened after being told to cut it out.

Is there an off chance that this woman is experiencing dementia? It might explain [but not excuse!] why this keeps happening.