(Part 3) Best codepedency books according to redditors
We found 2,159 Reddit comments discussing the best codepedency books. We ranked the 142 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 41-60. You can also go back to the previous section.
Happened to me, 18 yrs of marriage. Some lessons:
My advice is that you will go through the most painful part of being a human being, but I promise you, no matter what, you will persevere and you will remember my words here. :)
Disclaimer: I didn't mention any legal stuff here, I think others will offer better advice. I wanted to just do the emotional turmoil and what you can expect and what the result will be.
This book was an interesting look at it. The author got married back in 1958, and had pretty low self-esteem and low self worth. She sabotaged her husband and sons' abilities to take care of themselves because on some level, she was afraid that if they didn't need her, that she would be abandoned or tossed aside. Then her kids grew up and she realized that she totally fucked up.
> DW has decided that I'm the only one allowed into the hospital room with her - and am the only one allowed to go to doctors appointments.
If you're in the USA, please, please, please read this post for information on how to make damned sure your MIL(or anyone else, for that matter) doesn't get access to your DW and your kid while in the hospital:
A friendly note from your friendly hospital security guard
Something else to keep in mind: sometimes controlling parents / in-laws will regard their new grandchildren as "do-over babies"--i.e. they view their adult child as an obvious failure, but the arrival of a grandchild affords them the chance to do child-raising again and take additional steps to ensure it turns out right this time.
This phenomenon tends to manifest as boundary-stomping all over your preferred parenting methods and rules, showering the child with expensive gifts, and attempts to displace the parent-child bond with a grandparent-child bond.
Maybe it's a lot to read into your post, but it's very easy for me to imagine that--once your MIL discovers that a grandchild in imminent--your MIL inviting herself to stay for a few weeks after the baby is born "to help out", making that one-hour drive every weekend to visit "her" baby, insisting on holding the baby at all time, ignoring your attempts to set up regular feeding/sleeping schedules for the child, and more. Your DW has read this sub, she likely can think of examples that have been posted; see also this post.
You and your DW will have to shut that shit down, hard and fast. That includes working together to enforce boundaries, and making sure that her attempts to break them are immediately met with consequences.
Of course, a good therapist can help you two learn how to do that. But until then, some reading:
And be sure to Google "how to set boundaries with your parents".
This seems to be a fairly dysfunctional social interaction tbh. I can understand why you are frustrated. EVERYONE is involved and really the only people who should be involved in this are you and your neice. You are dealing with not only one, but TWO middle men. I would refuse to discuss it with either your mom or sister until you speak to your niece. They are getting all worked up when nobody even knows what you did that was so offense.
Next week you should sit your neice down, one-on-one, and apologize if you have offended her, but firmly set a boundary that if she is upset she should come to you immediately before she speaks to anyone else. Say something about how it just gets everyone upset when it might just be a simple misunderstanding. If she is high maintenance and refuses to do what you request, then I would just not worry about it too much and maybe try to limit social interaction with her.
Obviously I am only looking at a snapshot of your situation, but would you say your family is fairly codependent? If so there is a great book you should read that would probably help you, even with your depression.
https://www.amazon.com/New-Codependency-Guidance-Todays-Generation-ebook/dp/B001NLL7SO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526487485&sr=8-1&keywords=the+new+codependency+by+melody+beattie
I'm currently training to become a Psychotherapist that specializes in addictions and it's in this literature that I've found some of the best descriptions of the behavior in the story linked. Abraham J Twerkski’s Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-Deception has some of the best descriptions of the type of thinking that leads to these types of Ecological disasters. Addictive thinking is distorted, it is the distortion of thought. It leads to irrational and illogical justifications for destructive, pathological behavior.
>That is the function of addictive thinking: to permit the person to continue the more destructive habit. The more brilliant the person is, the more ingenious are his or her reasons for drinking, for not being abstinent, and for considering AA or NA worthless organizations. ... "I need a drink" (or a drug) , and then builds a case for that conclusion, whether it's logical or not and whether or not the facts support it.
You can literally see this type of thinking in this thread, with poster commenting that the facts are simply not true. This type of pathology as become normalized in our culture and usually cloaked in economic or technocratic jargon centered around the need for economic growth and short term profits. But this is addictive thinking, it's a distortion of reality. In the same way a addict will ruin his/her life for short term satiation, our culture is ruining the biosphere for the satiation of short term economic goals. Addictive thinking leads to a distortion of time, where the future is measured in "moments" not in months or years. That is why you see so many addicts destroying their lives and futures in pursuit of whatever drug it is they think they need. Is there better description of what we are collectively dealing with at the moment? Our culture is a culture of addiction and a conception of time based off addiction.
>We are part of culture that values the delivery of service in seconds - e-mail, the Internet, and fast food restaurants all provide nearly instant gratification. We all, in some ways, operate within the addictive concept of time. We've polluted the air, rivers, and oceans for short term gain, disregarding long term effects. We've destroyed forests and habitats of endangered species with little regard to turning this world over to future generations. Are we not disregarding the future, very much as the addict does?
The problem is if this is a social pathology, then how do you detox a culture?
​
​
The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others Paperback
June 1, 2009
> Do you find yourself attracted to people who are helpless, vulnerable, or damaged, or feel like you always end up taking care of your romantic partners? If you fall into this relationship pattern, you're likely a white knight-a person who tends to seek out partners who need rescuing. White knights hope to receive admiration, validation, or love from their partners, but ultimately end up cheating themselves out of emotionally healthy relationships.
And it is written by two women!
Marilyn J. Krieger, Ph.D.
Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D.
This is all very limited information, but she sounds very manipulative and sounds like you dodged a bullet, to an extent. I would say you got more than just a flesh wound.
I would also suggest you are likely part of the issue and may be codependent. Consider taking a look at this book. It's a very easy read and you'll know within 15 pages if it applies to you...
https://www.amazon.com/Conquering-Shame-Codependency-Steps-Freeing/dp/1616495332
My last relationship was not too unlike what you're describing - we were only dating and didn't have children, but a number of eerily similar patterns developed. This is my story:
When we first started dating, everything was awesome. We got along very well and saw eye-to-eye on many topics. But things started to degrade after we moved in together our second year together.
I, too, walked on eggshells around her. There were a number of times that she expected me to know what she wanted, apparently by reading her mind. She said she valued communication, but anytime I told her something she didn't want to hear, she would turn it around on me and somehow make it my fault. I would avoid confronting her about various behaviors that hurt me because I knew the ensuing argument would go nowhere, until we reached a critical mass and everything came out anyway. Things would be okay for a little while, but it wasn't long until the pattern repeated itself.
The way that I came to realize that she was abusive was by going to a therapist for depression and anxiety. In the process of talking with my therapist and reading some recommended books, I realized that she was abusive. A strange thing happened when I came to that realization - I felt relief. I knew that I couldn't make her happy, and that was through no fault of my own. I saw that there was light at the end of the tunnel, and that light wasn't a train coming to mow me down.
The five stages of grief can apply to anything that involves loss. They don't have to happen in order, and stages can be revisited. Loss can include the loss of the honeymoon phase, where everything seemed so wonderful. After our relationship had ended, I realized that I had spent about two of our three years together in the denial phase, with a smattering of guilty anger, bargaining, and a lot of depression.
One of the big flags to me towards the end of our relationship that something was wrong was that when she wasn't around, I'd feel like I needed to end our relationship, and that nothing good would come from us staying together, but when she was within arms' reach that everything felt like it was going to be okay and we could work things out. This duality shows that something isn't right - there are conflicting feelings at play about the same person depending on their proximity.
Now to address things that you brought up specifically:
An 8/10 matchup on the site you listed is pretty high. One of the major traits in a narcissist is manipulation. They behave in certain ways to get their desired response out of those around them. Silent treatment is manipulation - it hangs blame over your head, and tries to force you to interact with her. Threatening separation is manipulation - it tries to guilt you into staying in the relationship and that things can be worked out, keeping you within the reaches of the manipulator.
See also the asymmetric standard for handling issues - if she brings up an old issue with you, you're expected to be held responsible for it, but if you do the same to her, she dismisses it. This happened to me too. This is not how a healthy relationship should function.
We also had the work issue when we broke up. She had only worked on and off the last two years of our relationship, with nothing long-term lined up. Towards the end of our relationship, we had agreed to get separate apartments because we realized that she had become heavily financially dependent on me. She has, as far as I know, managed to support herself. It may seem cruel, but it is not your responsibility to ensure her well being should you decide to separate. I did more than I intended to by getting roped into helping her move out, and that was plenty.
As for finding out whether you are misdiagnosing the issue, there's not really a way to be sure. I'm not a therapist; I can't say for certain that she does or does not have NPD. The only thing you can do is gather evidence to convince yourself beyond the shadow of a doubt in either direction. You could go my route - go to a therapist that specializes in depression and anxiety and has some knowledge of working with couples and troubled relationships to get a professional opinion. Ultimately though, the decision is up to you.
Here are some resources that I used that you may find useful:
| | CAN'T SAY | CAN'T HEAR |
|---|---|---|
| NO | The Compliant: Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can't set boundaries | The Controller: Aggressively or manipulatively violates the boundaries of others |
| YES | The Nonresponsive: Sets boundaries against responsibility to love | The Avoidant: Sets boundaries against receiving care of others |
In my case, our relationship was between a compliant (me) and a controller (her).
These other resources may not be as useful for you, as they're about codependent relationships, which are a whole other can of worms we were dealing with, but I list them here for completeness:
Finally, I'll offer one piece of advice while you mull things over. Write things down somewhere. This should help you organize your thoughts and lay everything out before you to make a decision on how to move forward, whether that's with or without your partner. I have over five pages of notes from the above websites alone, and probably several pages worth of highlights in those books on my kindle. Putting pen to paper also helps you realize the magnitude of various behaviors since we, being human, can only hold so much in our heads at once. This can have the effect of minimizing things or blowing them out of proportion, so it helps to have something concrete in front of you.
I don't mean for this to come off as a "delete Facebook, hit the gym, and lawyer up" response. I'm just trying to give you the tools to make your own decisions, and it's colored by my own experiences. Take it with a grain of salt, and forge your own path, whether or not that winds up being similar to mine. I wish you the best.
Hey, good work.
I can recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Syndrome-Discovery/dp/0553272799/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1523936794&sr=8-6&keywords=adult+children+of+alcoholics+book
> I was much younger than everyone there and my problems weren’t as serious it seemed
As an objective 3rd party I'd say that its a great idea to keep going, occasionally, and pay attention. Ask questions. Be honest that you feel a little out of place there and that things aren't too bad at the moment. Its possible you can take the lack-of-problems opportunity to help someone else with an ear and a sincere voice, and its possible you'll learn a lot about how bad things can get and how to work towards preventing that.
From the recommendation of another post in this subreddit, I finished reading Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners
About halfway through it hit me really hard, because it got closer to explaining what happened than anything else so far. Had a very depressed weekend mulling over all that, but that does mean I have some more focused things to talk with my psyche about later this week.
Also I want to take a quick moment and say thanks for the stories everyone. As I told my psyche last week, it's kinda hard to know what exactly to bring up because I have no point of reference for what should be "normal"/healthy, just what I know I didn't like, which may not be the whole story that needs to be told.
We were discussing the "We admitted we were Powerless over alcohol" aspect of step 1 of AA at my meeting last night. I commented on posts I see on this sub everyday and here's another good one. I lived 20 years of trying and failing at moderation. My last "night out" was much like your Brooklyn experience only with a not so happy ending. And I DO NOT remember having my first sip that evening. The next day I broke down and was DONE. D-O-N-E. Throw yourself into it. Post and reply here often. Start caring for your body and mind and let us know if you need anything. I always suggest THIS book to people I work with. It was a real eye opener for me when it came to understanding how my mind worked. Good luck!
No offense, but you're incorrect. MBTI has 0 relevance in dealing with mental/personality disorders. But speaking in general terms, protect your own health and of those you care about first, notably by explaining to them the nature of the condition of your relative. Unhealthy narcissism is incredibly prevalent and ubiquitously enabled by modern society. Awareness will be the first step.
Do your due diligence with some research and share your story with a supportive community who will be able to offer more specific advice and insight.
Read that exnocontact sub as other have posted same question. Then commit to 7 days of no peeky.
Dont let him own you.
Read this for help.
https://www.amazon.com/Living-Loving-after-Betrayal-Infidelity/dp/1608827526
You just have to accept that you cant change other people's behaviours. Even though others can see the behaviours as disructive, some people are so set in their ways that they create their self destruction.
You talk a lot about others - this is called an "external locus of control". Your life now is essentially reacting to others, focusing on all the drama around you, and looking for a solution to the daily psycho-drama when maybe there is none.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control
And yes your parents have set this up to make it difficult for you to "escape", because they are bullies and enjoy abusing you. And they will come up with all sorts of schemes and excuses to get your money & make you trapped. Your mother will complain about everything (except herself) so its designed that you can never win.
You can only help others if you put YOURSELF number one. Look after yourself first, then if you have time and resources, help others. This means you top priorities are get financially independent, get a good education, get secure accommodation & food. Notice I said nothing about the external entity called your family. Spend your money on improving your own situation and not on trying to solve the problems of others. Save money from your job, get a cheap car in your name (mine is 20yo), aim for moving out to study.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h75x6sVLcIg
Try reading:
http://www.whatiscodependency.com/toxic-shame-addiction/
www.amazon.com/Conquering-Shame-Codependency-Steps-Freeing/dp/1616495332/
http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Patterns-Depression-Michael-Yapko/dp/0385483708
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Seven_Habits_of_Highly_Effective_People (The first 3 chapters are about becoming independent)
From Amazon:
Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
If you have Kindle:
Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved - A Little Primer on Narcissism and Self-Care
This Kindle is a best-seller, so I don't know about availability:
Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself
No Contact : How to Beat the Narcissist
And some links:
https://ukiahcommunityblog.wordpress.com/2014/10/02/its-not-me-its-you-children-of-christian-narcissists/
That's not just for children of Christian narcissists...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201103/do-narcissists-know-they-are-narcissists
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/does-the-narcissist-know-what-he-or-she-is-doing/
Good luck.
Watch out after the white-knuckling, it may bump your next drinking session higher, so be on your toes with drink-dodging techniques like keeping your drink a couple of rooms away so it's not so easy to sip, sip, sip.
Maybe watch "One Little Pill" with your girlfriend if you haven't done that:
https://tubitv.com/movies/326586/one_little_pill
Beyond Addiction might help too:
https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addiction-Science-Kindness-People/dp/1476709483/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8
Do you also have panic/anxiety/depression going on? If you start drinking less via TSM and you've got a psych issue that's untreated, it's not going to like having it's boozy "medication" snatched away and could well convince you to drink without the Nal.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Lie-Narcissistic-Pathological-ebook/dp/B00D17093M/ref=nodl_
I am a 51 yo ACOA and found this book (suggested here on Adult Children) to be a great help. I would urge you to read it. It really helped me understand a lot about myself.
Yes. This was exactly my problem. She went into a lot more detail to explain that it is not my responsibility to cheer him up. If that’s not working, it ok to just be ok with him being grumpy. It’s an issue with personal boundaries and not letting him cross them. She recommended this book and I devoured it in a day. So good. Hope it can help you too.
Boundaries Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BS03HD8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_uTKkDb2DYJ3CV
If your dad doesn't want to change, consider reading Beyond Addiction. Or, if your local public library doesn't have it, instead consider reading Get Your Loved One Sober. Both books discuss some powerful techniques.
Thoughts?
It makes sense that you're having a hard time distinguishing between what's okay and not okay, considering what you've described here. Yes, all of this is sexual abuse. I would really encourage you to read the following:
Wikipedia entry on Covert Incest
-The Wikipedia entry mostly covers emotional forms of covert incest, but what you've described also falls under this heading. Covert incest can also include sexually suggestive remarks and boundary violations that otherwise fall short of physical abuse.
Excellent book on covert incest and covert sexual abuse
I would also agree with several other comments here, that if you are still living in this heinous environment, you should seriously consider how you might be able to move to somewhere safe. Additionally, therapy is an very important tool in processing these experiences, and if it's at all an option for you to begin therapy, I would really encourage you to do that.
I hope some of this was helpful. I'm so sorry that you experienced this and that you're having to struggle with it now.
It sounds like your wife has some baggage from her childhood. Depression or low self image is magnifying the effects. The end result is that she does not respect you as a husband or a mate, and it is steadily destroying your marriage.
The challenge is, you can't approach it from the angle of "you're screwed up, this has to change" if you want to work things out for you and your child. Hopefully you're willing to give it a try, because the statistics for kids who have divorced parents are pretty abysmal. Especially for girls.
Counseling is definitely recommended. But not just any counseling. Your wife needs therapy to start uncovering the "thing behind the thing" issues that are causing your wife to have no ambition or desire to connect as a spouse. Childhood abuse? Divorced parents of her own? High conflict household as a child? One of her parents an addict or alcoholic? If yes to any of these, that's probably the root source of your problem. And the marriage won't get much better unless she's willing to acknowledge this and work on it.
Books I recommend:
Love and Respect
The 5 Love Languages
Why Can't You Read My Mind?
If the childhood baggage is related to a parent with an addiction:
Codependent No More
Adult Children of Alcoholics
I agree very similar to ACOA, ie children of alcoholics. Before there was anything on hoarding, this helped me a lot
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Syndrome-Discovery/dp/0553272799/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1526502459&sr=8-6&keywords=adult+children+of+alcoholics+book
My mom is a covert narcissist, as well. They are the absolute worst – incredibly hard to spot, and incredibly vicious and damaging.
I’m really sorry. You have clearly been horribly abused by her, as evidenced by how are you are in the face of authority figures.
I recommend two things:
For me, coming to terms with the fact that my mother is a covert narcissist and that my father is and will always be on her team has been unbelievably painful. But it has also set me free to live my own life.
This book about covert narcissist mothers also helped me, I’ll share it in case it helps you too:
https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Mothers-Covert-Emotional-Abuse-ebook/dp/B01MRCK462
Edit: a word
My breakup was awful. Well the relationship was awful. I saw this book recommended on the divorce/infidelity subreddits and bought the ebook.
This was over a year ago but I think the relevant bits to my above comment were in the first and last chapters.
https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning-ebook/dp/B004HW88LU
Here is the mobile version of your link
Yo, i've been posting this around a bit, but it's from Gabor Mate's In The Realm of the Hungry Ghosts, great and helpful book by the way. Here's the excerpt and program from the book. It's been super helpful for me. Again, I'm still trying and flailing at times, but it has been a help for sure.
Big, fat, hairy, resounding NO on this one. My last SO was a narcissist, I've been with several others as well and there is no helping them. Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone but themselves and narcissism is borderline impossible to treat, even professionally.
Read these books to gain some insight on the subject- When Love is a Lie, and Psychopath Free. They both helped me immensely, I used to think I could help my ex too but narcissists are truly unfixable.
Hey, I'm really happy I could help :-). I guess I am a bit further down the road than you (not completely there yet, but getting there), and I can say that the start of the road is the hardest part. It is painful at first, perhaps in the short term more painful than ignoring the problem.
To start off with it was a big lump of guilt, anger, shame, disappointment, frustration, feeling neglected and misunderstood, feelings of unfulfilled need and shame for needing, all these things mushed together into one enormous incomprehensible knot. Gradually, by gently tugging at the loose strings emotional memories began to come back. Some of these were events that were obviously abusive, but the majority of them were little things, things I hadn't even considered the significance of before (like the first time I was allowed to choose an item of clothing was when I was 14, previously they were all my older brother's hand-me-downs). Many were just memories of a tone of voice or something said in a particular context, or memories of a smirk or smile at a strange moment.
Gradually, memory by memory, I reached a new understanding of my childhood at a deeper more emotional level. With the help of my therapist I was able to find the needing child part of me that got left behind and learned (or am learning) how to a good parent to that part of myself.
Over time I began to feel the fog in my head clearing. It was as if I'd never realized the fog was there until it began to clear. I began to experience something new, something I'd never experienced before. It's a lightness, like that relief when you put down a heavy load. It's a freedom I never realized I craved. It's a happiness, not that of booze/drug fueled rave parties, but something soft and easy.
That's not to say I don't get bad days, I still do. But the good days are becoming more frequent and the bad days less so.
I guess I'm telling you my journey because I want you to know it's worth it, there is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train!
So.... advice....
Yes, definitely therapy! Even if it seems expensive, the help a therapist can offer here is soo worth it. Nparents leave a really complicated tangle of stuff, and having a guide to help you untangle it will save you both time and suffering. That said, not all therapists are skilled enough to help with these kind of issues, and different therapists suit different people. Be choosy, find one you click with and makes you feel easily understood. Don't be afraid to cancel after one session, you won't hurt their feelings, it's part of their job.
Read up as much as you can about the NPD. The more you can rationally understand about your childhood, the easier it is to untangle the emotions. The more you understand about how you mother ticks, the more you can make sense of how she treated you. I read so many different resources I can't remember where I read what, but there is one book I do remember helping a lot: Narcissistic Mothers and Covert Emotional Abuse: For Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents . The author uses a lot of examples from her own childhood, and that helped me see stuff in my own.
How much does Awesome Husband understand? It can be very difficult for people who haven't experienced narcissistic parenting to understand. You're going to need to talk a lot of stuff out, and so the more he can understand the better. Make sure he understands what you're going through, and if he's willing ask him to read up on NPD and related issues too. Perhaps ask him to lurk here. Most of all, make sure he understands that you are grieving as people grieve when they lose a loved one, except it's even harder.
Letters... I think writing it all out in a letter is a great idea to get the feelings out, you might need several to cover it all though. BUT, whether you actually send the letters is something you should think about carefully. Are you telling these things to your mother because you need to have them said, or because you need her to understand. I went through a phase of trying to get my parents to understand and it only brought me more pain. I realized eventually that my needing them to understand was part of not letting go. They weren't capable of understanding. That said, maybe I needed to try.
As to other stuff, it's whatever works for you. For me, art and music were huge helpers. I've got some pretty dark sketches stored away, it was a way of expressing the bad feelings. Music wise I keep a play list for certain moods. Particularly I've got a playlist for moments of feeling hopeless filled with tunes sad enough to touch me but which also carry hope. Anything which expresses feelings is good.
Well, I think that's all the advice I've got. I guess the last bit is to say no matter what, be compassionate with yourself.
That's honestly a really difficult question, and I can tell you what worked for me, but I do think it's important you search for your own answers as well. Maybe see a therapist if possible, or find someone to talk to as I'm certainly not a professional. But anyway, back in high school, I was essentially the picture of depression: I was eating without care, doing nothing unless it was necessary, and essentially just not caring about my life. It was really only because a major lifestyle change was thrust upon me that anything really began honestly. The summer after college my family moved to Arizona and I was forced to go to college here. This was totally against my wishes, but it did do me the favor of getting me out of my habits long enough to notice what was happening. and when I did, I became really angry at myself, for treating my body like shit and wasting my high school time, and I wanted nothing more than to change it. Although, it wasn't until another major lifestyle change was thrust upon me that I actually made any headway, as I was suddenly living in a dorm, and if I lived with the level of effort I previously had, I would die. So I began doing stuff like walking to get food and go to class and began taking care of myself (by which I mean brushing my teeth and showering regularly, which was actually a big change for me). It also just so happened that 2 of my 3 roommates were also gay and that kinda forced into my mind the idea of what would happen if I didn't change. I was honestly so scared I would die alone and sad that I turned towards some extreme anger, and that anger was what really got me going to work on my body (however I cannot stress enough that this was terrible for me and I hope you don't follow that same path as it only made my mental issues worse in the long run). So for my first semester of college, between having meals at the dining hall which ended up being healthier than my eating habits at home, an extreme (for my body at the time) cycling regimen of 50 miles a week, and a whole lot of self control that I kind of mustered out of nowhere, I managed to begin improving myself. Eventually I kind of realized that this anger towards myself wasn't really helping anymore, my weight loss had stagnated and I was only getting mad at myself for still being single and feeling ugly, like a failure, that sort of thing. I had sort of developed a perfectionism complex, to the point where if I, say, missed a question on a test, it was enough to make me cry in my room and want to hurt myself. And honestly, that's how it stayed for a while. I was making progress on my social skills (high school was also not great for that) due to some amazing friends I was lucky enough to make my freshman year, along with many other things that I needed to catch up on but aren't worth listing. However, I became dependent on them for positive feedback, they became the only people in my life I would get positivity from as I certainly wasn't supplying it to myself. At the same time, I found myself bending over backward for them, pushing myself to be as nice as possible no matter the cost. So ultimately for a while, my depression had only changed form and though I was looking better I had really made no progress. So what changed? Well, two things; for one, I began seeing a therapist. I've been on and off with a few for the last couple years and it's helped a lot. The second thing was just trying my best to break my habits at every turn, something that was very hard and slow, but the more I denied my bad thoughts, the more I was able to slowly push them back. I'm still not done with this journey. I'd like to lose a bit more weight, but more importantly, depression still has a bit of a hold on me and I'm pushing every day to move past it. I hope you can do the same someday. This book was also a good read for me, but I'm not sure it would apply to you.
​
Tl;dr 1. A lot of luck and circumstance 2. Therapy 3. Very slowly working to break my bad habits
Capture and escape is a common one according to this book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00GKQJ8E2/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title
Its a cheap book and a fast read. Good for explaining this to therapists and doctors who won't listen to you. I am not selling it, it just helped me.
I daydream a lot about dancing and being a great ballerina. This falls into the "idealized self" common category according to this book.
If you want I can even virtually loan it to you, PM me.
Hi,
Thank you for your feedback on my post, and on the ways in which I communicate.
After I reached rock bottom (as outlined in my previous post), I realized that I could no longer lie to myself, to my mom (who I care very much about), to my therapist, to the select group of my friends that I have, to colleagues, or to potential partners. So, with healthy boundaries in place, I try my best to be as authentic, and as aligned with my intuition as possible.
Your feedback has inspired me to try No Fap, on hard mode (no porn, no masturbation, and no sex), again soon, in August. Hopefully that will allow me to think more clearly, while I focus more on dating, and also on developing platonic relationships with women.
As you mentioned, I also need to simultaneously stop seeing escorts. I will continue of thinking of ways to avoid that. The problem is that I'm single, and eventually a lot of sexual energy builds up in me, and then I'm triggered my self-imposed stress, and need some sort of release. I need to break this pattern, as it's unhealthy for me to share my sexual energy with escorts, who are psychologically and spiritually unhealthy (for me) in a number of ways, in addition to the fact that they are undateable (by my standards), and take my time and money away from getting to know women that I want to date.
When I date, I tend to date one to three women at a time, but none of them progress into substantial, deep connections, due to the many issues that I outlined in my original post.
Dating one woman for an extended period of time is what I want, and I appreciate your feedback on focusing on one woman at a time, taking things easy, and getting to know that woman at a deep level.
Also, I definitely need to focus less on sex, I need to focus less on dating "the one", while allowing sexual things to develop slow, as you mentioned.
Paradoxically, my therapist does mention that I should have a somewhat clear idea of what the type of woman that I want to date is like.
And you are right, a good woman will help me work through my issues, without causing me to feel overly-anxious.
As far as your issues are concerned, I am very familiar with them. Coincidentally, many escorts have the same issues as you, as most of them have experienced sexual abuse and/or other forms of abuse and neglect as children.
You seem to be a codependent that is attracted to narcissistic men, that either treat you as less than, and/or abuse you, and/or neglect you.
At a subconscious level, due to the abuse that you endured, you believe that you deserve the type of man that you've described to me.
If you don't do the work, and research to create new levels of self-awareness, and new habits and attachment styles, you will continue to be attracted to the same type of men for the rest of your life. Trust me, I've seen it way too many times.
I recommend that you find a great therapist.
In addition to a therapist, I strongly suggest that you join your local Codependents Anonymous (http://coda.org) group. CoDA has helped me tremendously, and I have seen it help numerous women just like you.
Finally, I strongly suggest that you read these two books:
Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You By Darlene Lancer: https://www.amazon.com/Conquering-Shame-Codependency-Steps-Freeing/dp/1616495332/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1469994603&sr=8-1&keywords=Conquering+Shame+And+Codependency
Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: The Definitive Guide By Dr. David Stoop: https://www.amazon.com/Forgiving-Our-Parents-Ourselves-Definitive/dp/0800725999/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1469994636&sr=8-1&keywords=forgiving+our+parents+forgiving+ourselves
Trust me, they will change your life for the better!
In the meantime, do not date or see anymore men (including your ex), until you have greater awareness, in regards to your issues. Your issues are undoubtedly major issues that will impact all of your relationships and how you see yourself for very a long time, if left unchecked. You will also attract all the wrong people (in every aspect of your life), if your issues are left unchecked.
You have experienced major trauma, but even so, you are not your trauma, you deserve to be happy, so get started, today.
I know how you feel and I have been there, I'm so sorry you're going through this, the anxiety is pure hell.
Does your loved one have any interest in changing their drinking? Perhaps a harm reduction approach/therapist/doctor could help. People don't change overnight and there are some medications that some people are having alot of luck with, that help cut down craving, anxiety etc. Most people develop addictions because they are in pain. Either physically, emotionally, or both. So sometimes the bigger picture question is "What's the Pain? Why the pain?" Not just, "just stop drinking." You sound like a loving and caring person, and I dont doubt you've tried every approach.
If he's not ready to stop, connecting with a harm reduction therapist would be helpful to at least explore the "why" as the first step. Giving up your coping mechanism is scary, especially without trusting, that, your anxiety has a better solution. This is an example of a great place my family and I have gone too. Along with my loved one who has struggled. Finding something/someone similar in your area can be a great first step.
https://harmreductiontherapy.org/
The best book I have found for family/friends struggling with situations as you have described is:
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476709483/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IXRhDbNRHVBXB
Also, definitely check out this reddit regarding alcoholism medications:
R/alcoholism_medication
There's a book you should read: the enabler.
I'm currently reading The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome by Wayne Kritsberg. It's less than $8 on Amazon and I've found it really helpful. I'd encourage you to check it out, and PM me if you want to talk about it at all.
Stopping the Noise in Your Head : the New Way to Overcome Anxiety and Worry https://www.amazon.com/dp/0757319068/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_rZARCbYDB1X5Y
>I've gotten to the point to where I don't care if he drinks (I "allow" him to drink several times throughout the week), as long as I know about it.
Stop enabling him. It isn't helping. You admit that in the next line.
Don't become his parole officer, making sure he goes to work, doesn't lie, stays out of court. It's just another kind of enabling and will make your love die even faster.
Read this book. The tell John it's 30 meetings in 30 days or he hits the road. Go with him if you must. It wouldn't hurt for you to go to al-anon or similar, anyhow.
You owe your kids this. You owe yourself this.
This is called "Rubber Band Technique", as given in one of these books
Freedom from Maladaptive Daydreaming: Self-Help Strategies for Excessive and Compulsive Fantasizing
Returning to Reality: How to Stop Maladaptive Daydreaming
I hope this method works for you :)
I have just recently found that I had been emotionally abusing my girlfriend for the previous 10 years of our relationship. I was in denial, my abuse went unchecked, it led to a moment where I became a physical threat. Our first thought was anger management. My first though was couples counseling. I am not saying that anger management is not the answer nor am I saying that couples counseling won't help. I am under the firm belief that my behavior was learned at a young age though negative psychological abuse (unbeknownst to my parents). I am not blaming my parents I am only trying to piece things together to deconstruct my behavior and repair it.
To the abuser: I know the love is real but you aren't being the person you thought you were being. You need to change. Your partner (if they are still with you) needs you to change. This is not something that your partner can help you with so you need to change yourself.
In my quest to seek help I was distraught to discover that many resources mainly focus on the survivors and demonize the abuser. But what happens to the abuser? With no tools to fix their own problems wont they simply repeat their abuse? The stigma needs to be changed. From my experience I did not intend to be the monster that I am told I am. I did not mean to control, manipulate, and cause pain to the woman I love. I just did not know any other way to love and that is on me and I know I can change. I've read the books and I have appointments set up with multiple therapists. I am filled with such shame. I will be the person I always intended to be.
Here is a book that really helped me understand the damage inflicted on me during early development and my subconscious need to repeat the damage onto my loved ones.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing-ebook/dp/B000PY4IKE
Here is a book written by the gentleman in the video.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Abuse-Silent-Marriage-30-Year-ebook/dp/B00BAKH56G/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1518320530&sr=1-1&keywords=austin+james&dpID=51nMKdy0c8L&preST=_SY445_QL70_&dpSrc=srch
Good luck everybody. You will have moments of denial but it helps to write down your feelings so you can look back and remember who you are and who you want to be. Please be kind.
I can relate to the questions, the missing, feeling alone...etc. I think you're going through a natural process.
I got stuck in mine and became obsessed with those thoughts and feelings until someone recommended this book to me: http://www.amazon.com/Living-Loving-after-Betrayal-Infidelity/dp/1608827526/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1404378298&sr=8-1&keywords=healing+after+betrayal
It helped me tremendously. He doesn't go through a checklist trying to figure out if you were abused or not or wondering why your abuser did x y z and how other people see him/her. He basically says that if you felt manipulated or abused you probably were and there is no need to waste time or energy on being a detective scouring the crime scene, but rather he walks you through creating what he calls a "Healing Identity" through personal core value work. It helped me tremendously and I would highly recommend it if you start feeling stuck in these feelings.
If ALL your friends are like this, you may want to consider if you have "White Knight Syndrome". :)
Though most white knights feel that they are selfless and sacrificing, often they are really seeking unconditional love and admiration from others because they see themselves as flawed, weak, or unlovable. Problems arise when white knights care for their partners at the expense of their own needs, enable abusive or self-destructive behavior in their partners, try to control and make decisions for their partners, or encourage their partners to relinquish personal responsibility for the relationship.
This taken from the book: The White Knight Syndrome
(I don't know if the book is any good, but that definition sounded good)
Thanks, but I'm ALL about the healthy boundaries these days. My marriage ended about three and a half years ago, and it's been a steady journey of personal growth since then. But since we're sharing life-changing books, this is the one that helped turn my life around.
I tend to have a similar pattern, and for me the ingrained thing is that if I help someone, I deserve to be loved. It's all kinds of wrong. He could perhaps benefit from this book: The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others
Yep!! I *loved* his book on addiction, eye opening. He also has multiple talks on youtube
I recommend this book
https://www.amazon.com/Living-Loving-after-Betrayal-Infidelity/dp/1608827526
It has really helped me since my ex wife had an affair and we got divorced.
I'd add Dr. Reid Wilson's Stopping the Noise In Your Head. It's not tailored to OCD specifically (though he includes a number of case studies involving OCD patients, and adapts his advice for OCD sufferers when appropriate), but it's been a tremendous resource for me.
I'll also second the Mindfulness Workbook for OCD as a tremendous resource - I find it particularly valuable because it has chapters devoted exclusively to certain OCD subtypes (HOCD, ROCD, POCD, harm, etc.), which makes it easy to relate to.
I'm currently reading Brain Lock. While I really like his method (the "four R" approach), as someone with "pure-O", I find this book harder to relate to. I think that may be because most (if not all) of his examples/case studies involve the more "traditional" manifestations of OCD - contamination, catastrophy, checking, etc. Granted, Brain Lock was first published back in 1996, and the field has developed considerably in the past 20 years. Last year he published a 20th anniversary edition; not sure what's changed. Nevertheless, I'd still recommend this book to anyone with OCD, just for his approach to treatment.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Abuse-Silent-Marriage-30-Year-ebook/dp/B00BAKH56G
As someone raised in an evangelical Christian home where devil worship was nothing to joke about I agree this should raise red flags for true believers in Christ. We'll see if it does, but it really really should. Otherwise I feel like the one shlub who actually believed the crap while everybody else was just winking and nodding or somehow their brains have been hacked and they're all authoritarian followers looking for a hit of "leadership" like a drug addict and Christ worked well enough in a pinch.
EDIT: After writing that last bit about leadership and addicts that tweaked something. I've heard so many testimonies of people who were addicted to something and then miraculously healed by Jesus. No more addiction. When you delve into it a bit more these people will often say that they were able to replace their addiction with Jesus. Anytime they'd feel the need to go back to drugs or alcohol they'd read scripture and boom. Saved. Right... They just substituted their addiction with a non (or less depending) destructive one and have become a very consolidated group of addicts looking for a hit and Trump's their new dealer. https://www.amazon.com/Addictive-Thinking-Abraham-Twerski-M-D/dp/1568381387 Crap.
I completely understand, that's extraordinarily optimistic and romantic and by all means ideal, but I dont think it's very realistic unless he's really working at it. Like addiction, this kind of stuff isnt "cured", it may go into remission for a while but it takes an active effort. To answer a question from another post, no one fixes it, there's no "fixed".
You sound like a smart, articulate, obviously dedicated girl. Dont lose sight of the fact that YOU have potential to be realized too, and the path to those dreams will be easier with someone who is capable of being more supportive, and not abusive. If you get a chance, pick up a copy of a book called "Love is a Choice", it's a little Christian-y, but I think it would couple with your situation very well. This relationship is just as much about your fear of regret as it is about his abuse, they're codependent. You, are codependent.
This is just my advice, and I may not be the most wise person. But you asked the internet and the internet responds:
When you have something in your life that is making you miserable, get the fuck away from it. Your father's alcohol problem is not your responsibility. He is choosing to prioritize alcohol over his own family, not you. You don't have to cut all ties with your family, but at least try and distance yourself from them. Don't spend time with people who are full of poison and negativity. Don't guilt yourself for not being able to change a grown man's behavior.
Your other thoughts about self-esteem and self-love, as well as your last relationship, sound like the words of someone who has been emotionally abused. Here is a link in case you haven't read about it: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168
This is probably why you are hyper-sensitive. Your emotional brain is constantly in panic mode because you are expecting other people to hurt you all the time. This is not your fault. I was in an abusive relationship too when I was younger, and for about a year afterward, I was defensive and hypersensitive around those close to me because I felt like everything they said was an attack on my self-worth. Your ex might not be the problem, necessarily, just a symptom. I think therapy would help you a lot.
Here is a good book: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Choice-Definitive-Unhealthy-Relationships/dp/0785263756