(Part 2) Best codepedency books according to redditors
We found 2,159 Reddit comments discussing the best codepedency books. We ranked the 142 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.
It's like bait so you'll say, "no no you're not really abusing me, I didn't mean it like that, just forget I said anything" etc.
Ugh.
Obligatory plug for the book that saved my life:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/
Give your boyfriend the book Out of the Fog as a good buy present when you break up.
His normal meter is broken. He needs to get it calibrated, which is often accomplished in therapy (or by going at least temporarily NC and surrounding himself with healthy relationships). I really recommend him checking out a book for adult children of narcissists. Out of the Fog is a good one.
There’s one called Children of the Self-Absorbed, and one called Trapped in the Mirror and Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward that are specifically for adult children of narcissists. Heres a list of others that are recommended for dealing with narcs. Some of the ones I mentioned are also on the list!
Really, he won’t be able to confidently set boundaries until he realized that their behavior is fucking inappropriate and unacceptable.
Oh my, you are both in a tough situation. If it's not too forward, I would like to buy you a book and ship it to you. Would you consider reading it?
The book is: Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families.
I have read this book myself, and it was a turning point in my life. I feel like a lot of the advice within it applies to your situation.
Please PM me if you are interested.
I find it interesting that you were pushed here from JustNoMIL, since my first stop was the JustNoMIL wiki, reading list.
I've also heard good things about Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse
by Dana Morningstar (Author)
Just bouncing around their website might be helpful.
> DD is in therapy and we don’t tell her BM because of the freak out.
Her therapist might also have some good suggestions.
Read this book
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SA4ZTWM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
I was involved with one of these women and it took me 2 years to recover from the emotional abuse. And it is abuse. All the red flags we're there from the beginning, but somehow I allowed myself to get sucked in and even got engaged to her.
Now she's claiming we were never engaged or even in a relationship at all upon other lies so she can not return my ring to me, which is a family heirloom.
There were actually two that were key:
Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment - Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks was amazing. It truly showed what a happy, functional relationship looks like, and leads you on ways to get there in your current or next relationship. I found that before this, I could identify relationships that I felt were better than mine, but couldn’t exactly describe why. This helped tremendously.
Boundaries and Relationships - Charles Whitfield was quite literally a watershed moment for me. I got it electronically some time after filing and I was really searching for how to heal. I decided to crack it open on a 3-hour flight...and I could not put it down. Not because of its flowery language (there is none...it’s dry), but because it was so impactful. I learned that one of my crucial flaws at the time was having very soft boundaries. That basically means that I don’t draw the lines between people well when it comes to responsibility and accountability. I would routinely take on both tasks and stress from my ex, and she had no problem with that. So instead of roughly 50/50, on a good day it was 80/20...but that was a good day. The thing that almost brought me to tears was the quiz: once you get an introduction into the book, you have a quiz where you are given scenarios and choose how you typically respond. Then points are summed and you are described somewhere on the continuum of soft-to-rigid boundaries. I was extremely soft. But Moreno than this depiction, was the fact that even reading the first question brought so many situations and emotions to mind...so I jotted them down. And I kept writing. And writing. After pages, I moved on to question two...etc. it was extremely cathartic to the point that I was almost scaring myself with what I was able to recall and tie to these things.
Completely separately from this, I learned that I was married to a narcissist, which is the exact worst type I could have possibly been with.
TL; DR Two really amazing books shined a light on so many aspects that I needed to heal, and this was the best $30 I’ve ever spent
10/10 highly recommend
11/10 with rice
The systems theory perspective holds that addictions are kept in place by the family system, rather than simply being the sole responsibility of the addict. Essentially, the family is like a cell, seeking some degree of homeostasis. For dysfunctional families, addiction may serve to maintain the balance of the system, so in order to change the addiction certain other factors in the family need to change as well. The addiction is serving a function, and as long as the system is reliant on that function (whatever it may be) then it will be very hard for the addict to successfully change within the system.
In terms of more academic reading, Substance Abuse and The Family is a helpful text. It gives a good overview of systems theory and how addiction functions in families.
In terms of books for family members looking for support, Codependent No More is a classic. Another book that is more general but which I just finished reading and loved is Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.
I haven't done therapy on this but this book helped me quite a bit: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00C4BA4I6/ref=ya_aw_dod_pi?ie=UTF8&psc=1
If she has narcissistic BPD, the TERF thing is probably more a product of that than anything.
That flip flop in attitude isn't really uncharacteristic of people with BPD: it's part of the 'splitting' aspect of things where there's no gray areas about stuff; love someone because they're perfect/hate them because they have no redeeming features or qualities. (Note that I don't mean this as an attack on people who have BPD, just observing that it's one of the flags of it.)
As far as that connection, the feeling like you can't let go, again, that's not super uncommon with people who've been used as a source for narcissistic supply. The reasons are complex, and may range from trauma bonding if there was abuse to a whole lot of other things. (I found this book helpful in understanding and sorting some of this out for my own self in my own situation: Psychopath Free)
For right now, it may be enough to understand that this is sort of what narcissists do - both creating a situation where you feel lost and awful and gutted by their rejections (so you have a hard time letting go, and keep coming back despite how they treat you - like in situations exactly like this), and the dropping people and cutting them out of their lives 'just like that' when they're done using someone (usually because they're not a good source of narcissistic supply anymore, or the narcissist has found a better supply elsewhere and it's not worth maintaining the old one.)
It sounds like it's time to go no contact, but getting free of things like this usually don't feel as liberating as people often think, at least to start with. Good luck.
Please leave this guy now! I have women in my family who were with abusive men and trust me it only gets worse. Don't wait! Tell people you trust, such as a family member, that you plan on leaving him. Think about your safety - don't let him hurt you and emotionally control you into staying. You need to plan this out and focus on a concrete idea of where you will go, when, how will you afford it, who you will trust, etc.
A book which I haven't personally read but have heard great things about is called Women Who Love Too Much: By Robin Norwood. You can find it on Amazon here. I think you might really benefit from it!
Good luck honey, and please: Remember your own safety and happiness - just do what you have to do.
I was introduced to buddhism while in recovery. There are some great sources out there that you might be able to benefit from. Here are a couple of books that helped me and can answer your questions much better than I:
One Breath at a Time; and
Zen of Recovery.
You are certainly not alone, if that gives you any comfort. During my time in Alcoholics Anonymous, I met a number of others with buddhist practices. If you are interested in learning more or stopping, you might find something useful in r/stopdrinking or r/alcoholism. I'll leave you with one other wonderful piece of wisdom that someone shared with me once on the subject.
"I didn't start meditating so I could stop drinking. I stopped drinking so I could start meditating."
Good luck.
*Added links
It's partially just a process. It takes time to recover from any relationship ending, but when it's with a pwBPD it's especially challenging because the abuse leaves us with PTSD. We often get caught in a loop of trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I know that's the case for me.
Therapy definitely has helped me the most - but I understand it's not that simple for everyone. Definitely keep seeking your options. Do you have health insurance through an employer? I didn't realize that my employer actually pays for therapy - I thought I couldn't afford it either until I started actually looking into it.
My therapist emphasizes this the most: Even she was duped by my ex pwBPD (she saw him too). It took her over a year just to diagnose him, and then another whole year to realize that he was lying to and manipulating her. Try not to linger too much on self-flagellation, because sadly they are charming and many people fall for it. Just be glad you're out now and try to focus on the future.
In the meantime the things that helped me most outside of therapy were mindfulness and self-help books. Mindfulness through meditation will change your life, and it takes very little effort. It teaches you to be in the present and at peace, rather than ruminating or catastrophizing. As for self-help books, the ones I list below were instrumental in my healing process. They are a very good substitute for therapy until you can make that work. I recommend the books below in the order I have them listed.
Mindfulness:
Books
I hope you pursue all of these. Don't let yourself stay stuck; there is a life outside of what you're experiencing now.
Only because you let it work. Your child is in no way related to the relationship you have with your sisters. In fact, you may have some issues there, as your sister didn't check with YOU to take your daughter on the gator. When I play with my sibling's kids, I ask THEM if it's okay. Always.
I would head over to RBN and start reading up on narcissism. You have a narcissist on your hands, and she's trained you well to jump when she pushes the buttons. You need to find your Momma Bear inside, lay down the law when it comes to your kids - and override them when it comes to having contact with your siblings. You think they have control over everything, but it's an illusion, they've just trained you to think that.
The way this should go is "My kids, my rules - respect them, or you don't get to see them, or me." Boundaries, and consequences. Your sisters can come to your house - one will be 18 soon and can do whatever she wants. Don't JADE - justify, argue, defend, or explain. YOUR RULES. YOUR KIDS. If they don't like it? Tough. Them's the rules.
Breaking dysfunctional family behavior is tough - i know you won't be able to turn the tables overnight, but you can get started on it. Otherwise, this is going to escalate, and your kids will know "When I'm with grandma and grandpa, I can do anything I want" - and then the call that they're in the emergency room happens. And, of course, it won't be THEIR fault, it will be your bad parenting.
Break the chain of abuse. There are great books on it. I highly recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Secrets-Dysfunctional-Families/dp/0932194532/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458158461&sr=8-1&keywords=dysfunctional+families
As a place to start - and there are plenty more books like that. They're alcoholism-centred, but dysfunction is dysfunction, and families ruled by a narcissist or any personality disorder act exactly like families ruled by an alcoholic.
Break the chain. Your mom is textbook when it comes to her behavior. I guarantee if you read that book, or hang out in RBN, you'll go "I'm not alone!!!!"
I come to buddhism by way of recovery -- looking for more information on meditation to incorporate into my AA program. I wasn't really looking for buddhism to overcome addictive behavior -- but it has definitely been a factor in my recovery.
I have been able to discover quite a bit of commonality in the practice and in the program. I think that the commonality helped convince me of the utility of AA at times when I otherwise doubted it (and maybe vice versa). There are a couple of books I've read on the subject: Zen of Recovery and One Breath at a Time. Both were helpful in allowing me to see how these ideas complimented and contrasted with one another.
My favorite line with regard to the 11th step's invocation of meditation: "I didn't meditate so I could stop drinking. I stopped drinking so I could meditate."
> as time went on I became increasingly more depressed (not entirely his fault, genetically predisposed to depression here) and my sex drive took a dive
I thought I was pre-disposed to depression too. I was severely depressed and has extreme anxiety the last few years of our relationship. Now, 9-months post separation, I feel like myself for the first time in years. Your husband is making you depressed.
> The sex thing was REALLY hard on him, and made him feel unwanted
OMG, I dealt with this shit so much. He would do X, Y or Z shitty behavior to drive me away, causing me to avoid intimacy with him. Then I was made to be the bad guy - he made me feel so guilty, that I was emasculating him and making him feel unwanted and abandoned. In reality, he is the one who has abandoned you for his other relationship - the bottle (not to mention the other women). He abandons you, makes you feel like nothing, takes you for granted, cheats, drinks, and when you withdraw after all this rejection he makes YOU the bad guy. No.
> I wasn't ready to give up my entire life just because he made a mistake
He didn't make one mistake. He has made a series of mistakes and you keep forgiving him. He is pushing your boundaries further and further to see what he can get away with. He apologizes for mistakes then turns around and keeps doing it, and taking it one step further. To make things worse, he tries to turn it all around on you because of your lack of intimacy which all came about because of his inability to be a decent partner.
> now he's ACTUALLY TRYING
What is he actually doing to try? He has begrudgingly agreed to stop drinking for a short amount of time. He is being, as you say, "patient, tender, and understanding." About what?! He should be grovelling on his knees, in intensive therapy to address why he treats you like shit and takes your marriage for granted - all while YOU are showing patience, compassion, and understanding for HIM.
He's trying to blame everything on you, and you're letting him. This is not a judgment. My ex and I had the exact same dynamic for 15 years. Take it from me: let him go. Free yourself. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's so worth it. You must break your codependency, start demanding respect from others, and stop blaming yourself.
These two books helped me in my journey:
Codependent No More
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person
Find a good therapist man. A lot of those patterns of behavior have been ingrained since you were a child, just like they probably were for your parents. They are how you learned to cope with people and situations when you were very young, and you are unconsciously dealing with things in the same ways now, even though you are older. You need somebody to help you see what those patterns are, because no matter how hard you try, you are probably going to be looking at your own actions through your own filter, and will come up with answers that lead you in the wrong direction.
Some things may be genetic, but many things just have to be recognized and worked on. You need to talk to somebody who can help you find the right way to do that.
If you do find somebody and end up not liking them, then try another one. Therapists are people too, and some of them are better than others.
In the meantime, check out some books that talk about the issues faced by children of alcoholic/narcissistic/abusive parents. One example:
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Childs-Guide-Whats-Normal/dp/1558740902
Welcome to stage 1. May I suggest this fine book to help you understand things even more? https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama-ebook/dp/B00B60DRKI
Glad I could help!
Here's a link to an app that has all kinds of Al-Anon talks.
Here's the Amazon link to the updated version of the codependency book.
Here's the link to all kinds of virtual Al-Anon meetings by email, Skype, messageboard, or phone.
I'm certain that you should be able to find a way to fit some of this into your busy schedule, even if it's hard. It's going to be really important that you take care of yourself in this relationship.
I found Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin to be extremely useful.
this is the friends-and-family book generally recommended by most of the SMART literature I've come across:
Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening
This sounds scarily close to what my best friend was married to. Putdowns and insults (both public and private), locked in his office gaming most of the day, low self-esteem translating to "everyone else is a dumbass."
It finally ended with him waving a gun around in a drunken rage, with their 5-year-old son in his bedroom hearing everything and being scared that "Daddy was going to kill me and Mommy."
Get the fuck out of there now.
Edit: Read "Why Does He Do That?" and possibly "The Emotionally Abused Woman." You need to understand that pretty much every abused woman has made the same excuses for her partner that you do. What he's doing is not okay.
Wow! Thanks everyone I really appreciate the feedback.
I also found this book when searching earlier today : Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0932194532/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ZB2oDbEWHMQ73
Maybe try [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/Break-Your-Addiction-Person-When/dp/0553382497/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1523638497&sr=8-1&keywords=addiction+to+a+person).
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. A common story. Check out this book. It might help with the healing.
Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143133314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_IDTzCb4RH84P9
My abusive partner did escalate to hitting. But frankly, that was a relief. I know that doesn't sound like it makes sense, but hitting was something that other people would understand. Hitting made the situation clear and easy to define as abuse.
And... hitting is just physical. I find it really hard to explain to most people, but I would take a solid beating (especially with the actual apology and honeymoon period that would follow) any day of the week over someone trying to reach into my head and verbally convince me that I'm worthless again. The verbal and emotional aspects were absolutely the worst parts for me. Bruises heal in a week, but it's been three years and I still stammer when I speak, because I was trained so thoroughly to expect that I'd be interrupted and berated for choosing the wrong word (or speaking at all).
What helped me the most, especially at the beginning of being free from him, was thinking of myself as injured. If your leg was broken, your doctor would inform you that you'll experience pain and immobility, and itching under the cast, so you wouldn't blame yourself somehow for feeling those things or refusing to take the cast off. The emotional symptoms you're feeling now are no different. Read everything you can on the psychological damage that you may be dealing with, and try to get that information from your therapist as well, so you can be informed enough to say to yourself "that's a normal thing to feel while I'm healing." It does get better. You just gotta give yourself time.
I didn't have access to therapy, so these were the most helpful things for me:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship - Evans
The Emotionally Abused Woman - Engel
http://www.drirene.com/verbalabuse.php
So your inner child is your wounded inner self. It became wounded in childhood. The part of you that feels insecure, shameful, like there is something wrong with you and everyone will find out, unlovable, etc. The basic idea behind inner child work is that you learn to have compassion and understanding for your inner child (self) and what he/she has been through, and you learn to act as your own "loving parent". The goal is to replace the old programming or "critical parent" inner voice with a "loving parent" inner voice and to talk to and treat your inner child (your self) with love and care and compassion, both by your inner self-talk and the actions you take on their (your) behalf - boundaries, self-care etc.
In addiction to Whitfield's book
(http://www.amazon.com/Healing-The-Child-Within-Dysfunctional/dp/0932194400/ref=pd_sim_14_3?ie=UTF8&dpID=51M-jqFC1vL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR103%2C160_&refRID=1R0YEATS89PW6Q6681BP)
that I mentioned in my first post, there is also this excellent book:
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Your-Aloneness-Finding-Wholeness/dp/0062501496
read this book :
https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314
all you doing to get a better job, quit drinking etc is external so it wont work. healing needs to come from within.
I want to recommend you 2 books which I beg you to read. They have helped me a lot:
They might not seem they are adressing your issues, but I promise, if you go through them you will heal yourself to a point where you at least will not be so hard on yourself and not contemplating suicide anymore.
Porn is not your issue, your issue is a the thing you are treating with porn. And shame is never the answer. Never. Don't punish yourself for your thoughts. Thoughts are automatic processes we cannot control. Think of them like an involuntary fart. How ridiculous would be to punish yourself everytime you have one? ;)
So care for yourself, be your best friend, treat yourself like you would treat a wounded son you love. One day a time. And trust me you will discover a self love so strong you'd be amazed :)
If you need more help just write a PM. I can be a support when you need one. Cheers!
Not OP, but for me it was a gradual process, starting with the realization that I kept choosing the same type of person to date and expecting a different outcome. Codependency is a multifaceted issue dealing with things like insecurity, a lack of self worth, a lack of self in general, fears of abandonment, a lack of boundaries (the ability to say no) and often a lack of understanding what constitutes healthy human interactions.
If you have an interest in the things that helped me:
And the following books:
My main lessons were
It took me years to learn to be healthy, and I also saw a councilor for a short period of time, but it was so worth the effort I put in. It's an ongoing process, though. I thought I was finally healthy, then I entered into a relationship and realized I still had a lot of things to deal with. You fight against your learned behaviors a lot initially.
I'm in a very healthy relationship now and it's a completely different experience. No roller-coaster of emotions, no walking on eggshells, no loss of myself in favor of their interests, no condescending quips at my expense, no constant insecurity and distrust, no absolutely terrifying fear anytime we are apart.
I feel even-keel and stable. When they're away I'm focused on my life, when we're together I'm focused on us and me equally. They treat me amazingly well and I attempt to do the same in return. There is mutual respect and trust. Our relationship is a warm, calming, inviting place to be.
You, my friend, need this book: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work
"Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more pain than joy? Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to your dismay, you hang on. You are addicted--to a person. Now there is an insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that addiction--and surviving the split."
Edit; Wanted to add that I agree with individual counseling then pursuing the possibility of couples' counseling. Also wanted to say I read the book and it helped me in about a billion and one ways. Give it a shot. It isn't a guide to making you leave your spouse. It's a guide for assessing your situation and making a decision one way or the other.
>I reminded him that that several fights kept getting blown out of proportion because he kept running away.
Oy gevalt.
>https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You_Dont-Leave-Understanding-
Personality/dp/1491575735/
Have you read The Zen of Recovery? I found it very helpful
http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Recovery-Mel-Ash/dp/0874777062?ie=UTF8&keywords=zen%20of%20recovery&qid=1462068304&ref_=sr_1_1&s=books&sr=1-1
I can relate to what you are saying. What kills me is the not knowing, so yes I do wish my BF would just spit it out and say it. I'm still figuring out my approach to everything so I can be a bit awkward and withdrawn when I think he has relapsed or is high so I just kind of stop talking to him and never ask. I think he is starting to catch on to my mood changes that he will just say that he isn't using.
We have been together for 3 years and I never knew he was using either for the longest time until my roommate said something, so don't feel bad. If you aren't used to the effects of drugs on people it's difficult to tell. Alcohol is much more obvious.
What has helped me deal with everything are two things. [https://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812](Get Your Loved One Sober Book) and SMART forum and online meetings.
PM if you ever need to chat.
I'm quite late to this thread but I've gotten some value out of this book. The writing is a little stilted but the information is useful: http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Childs-Guide-Whats-Normal/dp/1558740902
Sure. This book gave me a better grip on the mechanics of my response to intimacy:
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255
and this book gave me an overview of its forces:
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Child-Within-Discovery-Dysfunctional/dp/0932194400
I hope this helps :-)
This is a really good book that I recommend all the time
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Secrets-Dysfunctional-Families/dp/0932194532/ref=nodl_
Psychedelics are absolutely a great help if you’re very introspective and can wade through your subconscious mind, but if you’ve never done them before, I recommend finding a trip-sitter. An ayahuasca retreat would be even better as it lasts longer than dmt (typically only 15-30 mins) and with someone that has a lot of psychological baggage to unpack, I would suggest something longer to start with, but only under supervision.
Hey OP. Congratulations to you, your sister, and your mother for moving out and to your mum for filing for divorce. I'd love to say that it'll be easier from here on out, but no promises. I can say, that despite everything that happened afterwards, my parents' divorce was the best thing that happened to me.
Speaking from my past, my parents' divorce caused a whole slew of issues, most likely since it was the first time we were all "free". There was this huge disconnect from my sister and my mom at that time because we were all trying to find our own way after being forced to manage and comfort each other and make do for so many years. I'm sorry you don't have therapy readily available to you; it took me several years of very intense therapy to get back on a stable road. There are some online resources that can maybe help you out: Sam Vaknin's YouTube Channel or this book that helped both me & my mum
That hollowness is to be expected. You've probably been so tense and in "fight or flight" mode for so long, that this change may not have registered yet. Or, maybe you're waiting for the panic moment where you'll need a reaction. Either way, try to just do go through the motions like sleeping, eating, and breathing. It sounds silly, but you may start to notice how it feels different. Also, I imagine your Ndad made you constantly feel like a problem; that conditioning doesn't go away. For a long time, I was angry at him. Sometimes, I still feel that anger. Then, I remind myself that my experiences, even the absolutely horrible ones, made me and shaped me into the person that I am...and that's good.
You deserve a healthy, happy life. You deserve to be happy. And I wish you all the best in your route in life.
EDIT: Sam Vaknin is a narcissit, however he is a self-aware one and as such studies the personality disorder. It does not make him someone "nice" to be close to or deal with on an interpersonal level, but he does have an insight into the personality disorder that is hard to find elsewhere. I am not suggesting trying to get close to him or work with him; just check out some of his videos and see for yourself if what he's saying makes sense. It did for me.
Married for 12 years, in the divorce process now. Wasn't with another woman for... almost 14 years I'd say?
Lack of intimacy, both in closeness and in sexuality. She would never ever initiate a hug or kiss except in the rarest of circumstances. I'd also go through phases where I would try and try despite the negative response, because depending on the moment she would blame me for the lack of intimacy. Other times she would acknowledge that it was her issue, uncomfortable with intimacy, how sorry she was that she wasn't a better wife, etc.
The short answer - it won't make any difference. She is not going to change in this way. What I can tell you is that it is not normal, and you can find a real physical and emotional connection with someone, where every touch isn't a minefield of rejection and disappointment.
It is up to you what you do with this information. But the truth is she will not fulfill that need in your life. I'm not saying you should get that from somewhere else, but your expectation of getting true affection and intimacy from your wife is a mirage. There is not any series of words or actions on your end that will give you back what you put in.
This book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline, was recommended to me recently, and I can't endorse it enough. As a man who didn't match up with the Codependent descriptions, Caretaker fit me like a glove.
Hey, Beyond Addiction is a personal fave, and there's a list of other books recs here. Thinking of you!
This seems to be pretty standard for someone who's Reward System has been hijacked by alcohol. A couple of things I'd recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addiction-Science-Kindness-People/dp/1476709475
http://www.nbcnews.com/megyn-kelly/video/a-sober-approach-can-modern-medicine-help-alcoholics-recover-1007215683578
People often try to cut back or quit and end up drinking more. Either they won't use the mainstream approach or try it and after a period of abstinence, just get worse, abstain again, get worse again, etc. 90% that start with strict abstinence end up relapsing (most often multiple times) within 5 years. Most people that try TSM are done with abusing alcohol within a year and become de-addicted. Most of them don't abstain, but they drink within reason.
I myself used to drink at least a 12 pack every night. After about 6 months of TSM, that dropped to about a 12 pack per month and has stayed at that level for about 3 years. I went from a continuous years-long hangover to being indifferent to alcohol and I don't miss the overdrinking at all. He might be willing to meet you in the middle with a treatment like this.
And How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.
There is a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" that I found helpful. When you find yourself thinking about them, visualize a stop sign and instead think something about them that grosses you out.
Non-mobile: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI?ie=UTF8&redirectFromSS=1&pc_redir=T1&noEncodingTag=1&fp=1
^That's ^why ^I'm ^here, ^I ^don't ^judge ^you. ^PM ^/u/xl0 ^if ^I'm ^causing ^any ^trouble. ^WUT?
First of all, thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story with us. That takes an awful lot of courage. Second of all, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much crappy stuff surrounding your ABDL side. It sounds like you have constantly had your boundaries violated over the years and you've been deprived of the privacy you've needed and deserved to safely explore this side of yourself. It's totally understandable why you'd feel so frustrated, depressed and worried about the future. It's really not easy to cope with what you've been through and I think anyone would feel the same way you do in your circumstances.
I am hearing a sense of hope though which is lovely and will aid greatly in moving forward from all this and discovering that happy little deep down inside of you. It also sounds like you've got a plan in place to reclaim your sense of privacy and autonomy by getting a new job. Keep up with that, you are on the right track there! I'd also recommend seeing a kink-friendly counselor/mental health professional to help you work through the feelings and fears that you have stemming from all the not so good experiences you've been through. I also think it would be helpful to do some research on communication, consent, and boundaries so you can learn skills on how to set boundaries with your family and how to handle things if another person tries to push your boundaries in a sexual way. I'd recommend reading these two books 1, 2.
Lastly, it's never too late to make changes (heh pardon the pun!) in your life, to start a new beginning, and to make up for everything you've missed out on. All the best on your healing journey. You're doing an awesome job so far, you got this! If you ever want to chat, please feel free to pm me \<3
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.
This is the book that saved my sanity and got me on the right track. Its more about why I needed this relationship and how to break out of the cycle.
No problem! You are right, the book is more geared toward men, but it is still a good book for women to read. I believe you will still get some value out of it. Another book I have heard of, but haven't read yet, is "The disease to please". It is written by a psychologist who was noticing the people pleasing syndrome in both men and women. It may be a good resource for you as well.
Regardless, what I have learned is it is a process and not just a quick and easy fix. You have taken the first step by identifying what your feelings are and how you would like to correct them. I wish you luck on your journey!
The Zen of Recovery
1776
One of these is not recovery related (can you guess which one?) but it's also excellent to have other activities and interests outside of recovery all the time. Both great books. Enjoy :-)
In case anyone ends up here looking for information on how boundaries work in a relationship, these books are very informative:
You really aren't reading very carefully or closely. I said, multiple times, that addicts do not emotionally mature. That has nothing to do with cognitive function, physical function, relational dynamics, economical systems, or spiritual mechanics. I said EMOTIONAL MATURITY because I was specifically talking about emotional maturity.
Then you have a private conversation where you body shame some people and laugh about it like 14 year olds. And then get defensive about being called out about it, like 14 year olds, and then get more upset about me saying that you as a general group ie the entire world of addicts does not emotionally mature past about the age of 14, you wave your hand and say "whatever" to peer-reviewed material that backs up my assertion, just like a petulant 14 yr old would, your side bar is "an inside joke" again like a barely teen ager, and you want to argue that I'm wrong? Really? I mean I don't even have to go into what I know professionally to prove my point. We don't have to leave reddit to prove it.
I don't know anything about your sub, my impression is you are proud addicts. Like you are all very proud that you have a crippling addiction and doing nothing to combat it I guess. I don't know. Don't really care outside of general human empathy. What makes you happy is your business as long as you aren't hurting anyone else. Unfortunately addiction destroys children and spouses. So here's hoping that's been avoided. But whatever.
I'm concerned with the guys in this sub here. Not you ladies over there. You body shamed and then turned it into sport. These guys got hurt and angry. I was pointing out that you guys weren't doing it to be purposefully mean, it's more the thoughtless and heartless immaturity of the 14 year old that allows them to make jokes at the expense of others and then get angry when that gets called to their attention. (Just like you are doing here). I think these guys should just ignore your cruel jokes and let it go. Because it doesn't matter. And that's all I'm trying to do.
But it seems like you want to bully me. Again, like a 14 year old would do. Like somehow you are going to "win" because you are just so awesome or something. Look lady, I don't know you or who you are. I know one objective fact about you that allows me to draw conclusions, you are an active addict. I hope you are getting help for that. Once you are clean you can start the process of emotional maturation that was stunted when you started your addictive coping strategy. I recommend this book for the process. Anyway, you aren't going to win, you've already lost. You lost before you started this. Hell, your sidebar lost the fight for you. So let it go. I don't even know why or how your stuff was linked over to this sub anyway. It was a disservice to both subs for your private conversation to be posted over here.
And, FWIW, I'm female, and my genitals work just fine. And I kind of feel like these guys are like my family sort of. So I'm protective of them. Even the assholes I guess. There is a lot of pain and misery here. They don't need women making fun of them. They just don't.
I recommend reading these 3 books: No More Mr Nice Guy, How to Get Out of the Friend Zone and The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome.
The Gifts of Imperfection Brene Brown
Codependent No More Melody Beattie [with these books, be cautious there is some victim-shaming, but the advice holds well to avoid being codependent and people pleasing.
This book probably saved my life in my 20s, it's older, wish they told me of no contact but it was good for the time.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Overcoming-Destructive/dp/0449906442
You’re so right that the love never really goes away, for better or worse. The fact that it was there at all is such a wonderful thing. Without defending her (my ex did the same exact thing), I think she thought she meant those heavy promises when she said them. People with BPD experience and expose their partners to profoundly intense feelings that often (not 100% of the time because nothing is 100%, but close in this case) lead to chaotic, passionate, addictive, and ultimately unstable relationships. It’s completely understandable and natural for you to have lingering feelings. Being able to recognize, healthily process, and just stay with your feelings, even when they feel so awful that your heart could just burst, is what makes you different from a pwBPD who discards and devalues. I know it sucks so much now and it might suck a lot for longer, but returning to a pwBPD who isn’t sincerely committed to treatment will make things suck way more. In my case, I always felt so awful when we “split up,” but I got used to it after her coming back enough times. It always felt great when we reconciled, but only for, like, a few weeks; something would happen, I would say the wrong thing on the wrong day, and the ice got thinner every time. After some failed attempts to “put myself out there” in the first few months, I realized I’m just not ready to date. I still think about her too much, all the in-jokes we had and the way I could talk to her for hours like no one else; but, I am beginning to accept that... most of the time, things were not as good as I initially thought. Moving on and dating again are just not the same thing, and for me, I need to focus on the former before I can commit to the latter.
I recently read a book called “Whole Again” that I saw recommended somewhere on this subreddit. One of the big takeaways for me that I’m still struggling to accept is that what was done to us... it was not personal. It may not seem like it sometimes, but the pwBPD is perpetuating their own emotional hell by virtue of not possessing healthy attachment and coping mechanisms, and we got caught up in that. Not to say the pwBPD is all bad and we’re all good - just, blame and resentment and holding on are not going to help us heal. Anyway, I do recommend the book!
So May is apparently Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month (as well as just general Mental Health Awareness Month). I learned relatively recently that someone close to me has the disorder, so I've been reading up on it, because until now, which surprised me because studies estimate potentially up to 1 in 6 people in the US are affected by it.
So far, I've read I Hate You - Don't Leave Me, and I'm nearly done with Stop Walking on Eggshells. Both have been really helpful, and enlightening, and I recommend them to anyone looking to learn more about BPD.
You are not doing anything wrong. I am about a year into recovery and went through many different avenues. I tried AA, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery and an outpatient program with my health insurance. So, I have gotten a taste of most of them.
Just like in all walks of life, there will be some people that try to bring you down. This is no different at the meetings you will go to. Some people will belittle you for whatever reason. There is 100% nothing wrong with being new. Try to ignore the odd lingo that some of people use, such as, "rehab virgin, normies, etc."
I suggest you also broaden your search and see if you can find any of these resources in your area:
I found more success moving between all these resources based on what I was struggling with at the time. I also suggest you pick up a couple books. I found a lot of solace looking towards philosophy. Some books that helped me were:
With recovery, just stay away from any of the social drama. Listen to the knowledgable people. And, always remember that we are all in a vulnerable place.
Hope this helps!
My parents were the same way. They were incredibly invalidating, what I did was never enough, so and so shouldn't be with me, etc. My therapist gave me [Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin](Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin - How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries https://www.amazon.com/dp/1568380305/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_svhmzbDK29E22). The book was pretty intense at times, though after I read it and began practicing the exercises, there was a noticeable difference in the way people treated me... including my parents.
Seriously, I never thought I could have a good relationship with my parents. I struggled between resenting them and loving them. After I read Boundaries and set my own, I feel like we now have mutual respect for each other with zero power play and can genuinely enjoy each other's presence. Also, the book is incredibly short.
I'm an ExMo, which isn't really related to what I'm about to say, but learning to love my inner child as if I was exactly the parent I want and need, really helped me. It's similar to being your own best friend. I think growing up in a cult keeps us from growing into autonomous adults. While JW sounds like it's even worse than Mormonism, in fact I'm sure it is, Mormons are infantalized and kept in a childlike state where questioning and thinking for yourself is bad. You need the church to take care of you. Without it you would be nothing. That sort of thing.
Imagine how you would raise your own child and then be that best parent to the child inside you. We all have an inner child, even the most well adjusted adults still have a part of them that is afraid and vulnerable. They just haven't been brainwashed into thinking that inner child has no value, doesn't deserve love or respect, and doesn't deserve what she needs.
You are the best person to know and provide the love and comfort your inner child needs. Maybe that means not talking to your mom for awhile (not really sure how the whole shunning thing works so sorry if that's inappropriate).
I actually found the book Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self really helpful.
Edited to add: I think it was actually Healing the Child Within. Sorry, I did both books at the same time and it's been a few years. I know I loved them both. I think the being your own best parent was in this one though.
> I'm not her mom, I'm not her personal slave, delivery person or her chauffeur, but I seem to be all of these things constantly.
It sounds like you need to set better personal boundaries with her, and you need to learn to say 'no' to her sometimes. She has you doing many things for her that are ultimately not your responsibility and you should stop doing those things for her. It is not an easy process to change a relationship in this way - but here's a book I would suggest to get you started.
She may have issues with anxiety/depression/self-confidence. This doesn't make her a bad person, but it may be difficult for you to understand what she's going through. If you do decide to stay friends with her, try to be supportive of her, but understand that it is ok for you to have your own life, and that you shouldn't be her doormat.
Well, if your lens is skewed, it might be hard to tell who's a good person. Or a "good" person does something dickish, and you let it slide because it's not as dickish as you're used to, and it gets worse from there, where someone else might have cut it off at dick move #1.
I needed therapy to learn what normal relationship behavior was supposed to be like. While I never dated anyone abusive, I wasted a lot of time in relationships with people who weren't right for me, but I rationalized it with "It could be worse" due to how craptastic my parents' relationship is. Maybe I had to go through it to figure out this was something I needed therapy about, but I cringe about this a lot in hindsight.
A book like this one may be useful.
Credit: from the book Whole Again
Hey man, even though my background and trauma is very different than yours, I relate to how you feel. There's no simple way of explaining this, and hell, I've only practiced it actively for a few weeks so I'm far away from reaching real self-love, but it comes down to being mindful of your ego, and to actively be kind/loving to yourself. Imagining yourself as a 3rd person to your ego, being nice/caring like you would be to a friend having bad thoughts of himself is one of the best ways I've heard it described. It takes a long time for that to become the default I think, so it's something you have to stick with.
This book has really helped me, I have a feeling it can help you too. It explains it a lot better and more extensively than I did. I'm naturally skeptical, and 'self help' and all that stuff always seemed silly to me (or my ego, really), but this book spoke to me on an incredibly deep level, give it a try if you're up for it.
https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314
I'd recommend picking up Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist because it talks about being a caretaker and building boundaries. Here's a video with the author: https://youtu.be/yoiOoDe6-_w
It's about trusting and valuing yourself, learning about red flags such as people trying to manipulate you with mirroring and love bombing. Trusting yourself if it's too good to be true or not questioning yourself if you're being lied to.
Contrary to MRA advice it's NOT about being an asshole. That attracts personality disorders. It's not even about being "nice" as the problems, kindness is good. It's about not being taken advantage without boundaries and learning to trust yourself.
I think you might find this book helpful to adjust your approach to be more effective: https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addiction-Science-Kindness-People/dp/1476709475
It really changed my understanding of my role in my husband's behavior, and how I could effectively change his motivation without feeling like I was pounding my head against the wall or driving myself into misery.
The best books I’ve read about overeating are published through Overeaters Anonymous, a 12-step group. They have a website if there’s no group near you, and you can order their books.
The best book I’ve read about addiction is “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.”
https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addiction-Science-Kindness-People/dp/1476709475
Russell Brand’s book, mentioned above, is also very good.
It's interesting how the OP, unlike you, AMerrickanGirl, isn't in touch
with her anger. Her boundaries are too weak. She has some background that made her this way. I'm not too sure about these "friends", either. She needs a better support system. Colleges have counseling available. She needs to use this service. This problem is very common.
Type in the phrase "Women Who" into google search and see what the auto complete does.
=======================================
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419
Review
"An extraordinary self-help book that reads like a page-turning thriller....This beautifully written, intelligent book can help women break the pattern of foolish love." -- Los Angeles Times
350 used & new from $0.01
=======================================
edit: "Codependent No More" is another hugely popular classic on this topic.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_cmu_pg__header
I was doing some research yesterday and found this article
Going to check out the book they mentioned. [The Disease to Please] (https://www.amazon.com/Disease-Please-Curing-People-Pleasing-Syndrome/dp/0071385649 )
I haven't read this but I have always wanted to:
"An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal'"
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Childs-Guide-Whats-Normal/dp/1558740902/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1505680294&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=normal+for+adult+children
Oh, all the girls my ex husband cheated on me with started as friends. Always trust your instincts when female friends are concerned. Unless you're the type that's automatically jealous of any female interaction, your instincts will warn you when something is not right.
And something is definitely not right here. Your BF may genuinely have no present intention of cheating at all. But he has poor boundaries. And this means that there is a high likelihood that things may get out of hand some day. He's on a slippery slope and he may not even realize when things have crossed the line until he's in way too deep for his own good.
Now is the time for a serious talk about boundaries. No need for accusations or blame. But he does need to be open to the discussion and not dismissive or defensive.
Boundaries are the absolute key to fidelity. It's great to have opposite sex friends if you have good boundaries. Your BF has some work to do in that regard.
Highly recommend that you check out the following books:
Not Just Friends - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=redir_mdp_mobile
Boundaries in Relationships - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/155874259X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372344185&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SL75
Ugh.
That POMI feelings of shame and guilt are unfortunately rather common among JWs who've been disfellowshipped for "immorality".
The shitload of shame that the disfellowshipping discipline dumps upon "imperfect sinners" is sometimes impossible for THEM to rise above.
But that will not be your fate.
Start reading about how cults use shame to control their members. Knowledge of their techniques of manipulation will give you greater power to overcome those techniques.
By the way, almost everything that your father regurgitated in that conversation was WT indoctrination designed to crush one's spirit with feelings of shame and guilt.
https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
https://www.decision-making-confidence.com/cult-tactics.html
This site, item number 6: https://michaelbluejay.com/x/how-cults-recruit.html
I haven't read this site (yet) but this article looks useful: https://www.spiritualabuseresources.com/articles/traumatic-abuse-in-cults-a-psychoanalytic-perspective
https://www.amazon.com/Out-Fog-Confusion-Clarity-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B077SFQWZ2
Adding to this, if you're in the SLC area, I can lend you a copy of a book on Codependence. I highly recommend you take care of yourself. That fact that you've been with this woman for so long with all of the things you admit about her being wrong, makes me think you're a bit of a 'helper'. Do you find yourself having a strong impulse to nurture and care for her and others who've messed up their lives on their own?
Congratulations on the great progress you've made so far. My husband has struggled with similar problems and I know it isn't easy.
My husband got a lot of benefit from a book called The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome.
You might think at first glance that it's not the book for you, you might not even consider yourself to be a "people-pleaser", but a lot of people who have been bullied do become people-pleasers as a way of 'keeping the peace' or trying to prevent any unpleasantness from occurring/escalating. But you need to learn how to cope with unpleasant situations, and to learn that they don't have to ruin your whole day. The book has some really good tips for this.
And, it sounds so cliche, but it will get much better with time and practice.
The other thing to do is to become more observant of how others behave. Try to do your own mini-analysis, e.g. What did that guy do when he completely stuffed up and let the other side win? He laughed, said sorry to his team mates, and congratulated the other side. I probably would have been mortified and want to leave straight away, but he was able to laugh it off. I should try that next time.
You should read Whole Again! (https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314). I picked this up on a whim at Barnes and Noble fully expecting to return it, but I ended up reading it almost in one sitting because the way he describes self love FINALLY clicked with me. Its a great read.
Thoughts
> I just don't know what to do anymore so I want to ask what I can do to encourage him to get help and support him properly without enabling him, getting too involved, or making it worse for him.
My main book recommendation is:
If you'd like, you can also read:
If you'd like to try family therapy:
Questions
> He used to be addicted to cocaine and adderall years ago
A) Is there any chance he might have adult ADHD? It's actually not rare at all among addicts.
> I told him multiple times he should seriously consider getting into rehab, therapy, or any other treatment that could help him.
B) How badly does he want to get these things?
Tl;dr: I like this version a hell of a lot better than the last one and think it's a step in the right direction, but I'd use a different background pic (less cloud coverage) and/or brighten up that red just to make it contrast in a way that will serve your thumbnail image better. Otherwise, the layout is great.
I think it looks worlds better, but I have two questions:
Also, now that I look at it a fourth time, nix the gray "TO." Make it white like the rest of the text. Gray on gray doesn't work and it seems out of place since the rest of the text is strictly white and red. Have you considered faint drop shadows behind your text to see if that helps it pop, too?
you love too much. read this book... it was really helpful for me: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419
You can do a CTRL+F and find some my posts in this thread where I describe my own experiences. I had 5 years in January and so far, so good.
I primarily used AA but it is just one of the tools that I use, along with seeing a psychiatrist, a year of non-AA group-therapy, and insight gained by studying Zen Buddhism. I believe that 12-step programs can be effective in helping people recover from their additions. For a different slant you can check out The Zen of Recovery by Mel Ash which I found to be most helpful in my own recovery. Good luck!
That's the thing, nobody can know this but you. I had a really hard time knowing who I was and I started going through everything I had ever written and tried to describe myself based on that, from an outsider's perspective. Like a character analysis in a book. Moved over to old photographs etc., too, and it really, really helped. My (uneducated) guess would be, just because of the age difference thing, that you may have codependent tendencies. Please read the first 5 pages and tell me if this is something you can relate to at all. Not everything, just in general: https://www.amazon.de/New-Codependency-Guidance-Todays-Generation/dp/1439102147
A book I just received last week but haven't started was The Zen of Recovery. It came highly recommended to me, and I'm looking forward to starting it :)
https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You_Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/1491575735
> God, he's not lose. God is in us. In you.
Yes, that is a Buddhist notion. A great book that discusses that is The Zen of Recovery
My problem is finding a sponsor who is as open minded as he expects me to be, and is willing to accept that I need to work the principles in a way that will work for me.
I would love to PM back and forth with you and possibly share phone numbers.
This is a great book. Hard (emotionally painful) to read sometimes but very good. https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Child-Within-Discovery-Dysfunctional/dp/0932194400/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1569821478&sr=8-4
I Just started reading the "The Disease to Please"
http://www.amazon.com/The-Disease-To-Please-People-Pleasing/dp/0071385649
and it sounds a lot of what you're feeling. (i'm only 2 chapters in)
>The rational male
That's quite a misogynistic book you recommended. I'd recommend Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie, and googling the grey rock method (links included). The book you are suggesting is that all women have ulterior motives, and is based in how being emotionally manipulative towards women is the answer-it's rather short sighted and not based in psychological fact-only women bashing. I don't think that it's helpful to replace an abuse by becoming abusive. Rather, he needs to understand how to avoid these type of people by knowing how to identify them, avoiding them, and doing the self work to prevent it from happening again. Further, it will show him how to "grey rock" her so that he can protect himself while moving through the divorce process.
My mother is still abusing alcohol. My loved one is trying to control her drinking. One thing is for certain: Until your mother decides she needs to stop, she is going to keep drinking. If you are attempting to see her change, then you must be willing to change aspects of yourself to allow change to occur around you. This includes how you respond, how you react, and how you manage your time and priorities.
Get Your Loved One Sober has plenty of suggestions for how to interact with a person abusing alcohol and to take care of yourself. It is so important to keep taking care of you because it is so easy to get sucked into their world and let it slowly destroy your world. This book goes through aspects of the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) program. A place that you could share what is happening is through the SMART Family and Friends meetings.
The pain is temporary. You are strong and you will get through this. I believe in you! ❤️
Sorry to be so blunt but that stuck out to me. Another option besides nar-anon, which is a good option, is to find a professional who does Community Reinforcement and Family Therapy (CRAFT). There's a book too - I have no financial ties to these people; I just think it's a good approach for people who want something different than the 12-step stuff. Here's the link to the book: http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812/ref=pd_sim_14_2?ie=UTF8&amp;dpID=51x%2BjUuTrVL&amp;dpSrc=sims&amp;preST=_AC_UL160_SR102%2C160_&amp;refRID=15CF19FP801AR1607VPA
I think that is a good decision. If you have time, possibly read Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken". You have probably read this before or come across someone talking about it. It is a good illustration about choice. The poem is somewhat ambiguous for the most part and seems to leave the reader up to their own interpretation. But Frost's intention is that after carefully reading it and re-reading you will realize that choice is choice. That sometimes one choice is not necessarily demonstrably better than another, despite how they may seem. That poem has very special meaning to me for a few reasons. First, my original inclination was that he meant the road less taken was obviously the better road. Spoiler, not the case. Second, because his more cleverly plaid out poem illustrates that sometimes it is not the choice that is important, but the journey. That whichever choice you make, you are still on a journey and consistently concentrating on regret is not a great recipe for success. (for reference: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/)
Now, on to tips for what you may do. Your dilemma seems very similar to that of introvert/extrovert relationships. In the sense that you don't need as much interaction as your partner does. I would suggest looking up tips relating to this phenomenom for introvert-extrovert pairings. Here is a link to get your started on ideas:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/05/15-ways-to-blossom-if-youre-in-an-introvert-extrovert-relationship/
Also, learning someone's love language and how to speak in it can make a massive improvement. It can help you maximize your time and interactions with those you love by learning to communicate effectively with them. Here is a link to learn more about that (caution the site has a bit of shameless self promotion, but it is very highly respected):
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Learning about how to recognize, set, communicate and respect boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are important, they help us define how we interact with ourselves, loved ones, and the world in general. Understanding our boundaries and properly communicating them to those around us can help reduce anxiety, social miscues, pointless arguments, etc. I particularly enjoyed the books by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is often written as more of a story / learning experience and uses many practical examples to illustrate the points being made.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Relationships-Knowing-Protecting-Enjoying/dp/155874259X
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995
Hopefully these suggestions can help get you started. I would also discuss these with your counselor and get his opinion/suggestions. See what he makes of all of this. Understand also that part of a therapist/counselor's job is to listen and get to know you. They need to establish a baseline, to learn to decipher what you are saying and not saying, to get a sense of your interaction with others, etc. So a lot of sessions are typically spent coaxing you to talk and open up more so they can become more informed about you specifically. After all, we are often very complex and yet simple at the same time. There is general advice that can typically be given, but you don't really need an expert for that. What you need is someone who can see and understand the complexity, and not just the first or second layers. And this individual has to do this in minimal time as you may only get a few visits from your insurance. But they are there to help you and they do want to see your best interests met, that is their job. So don't be shy to give them specific scenarios and occassionally ask for a specific opinion. They are more apt to give you specific advice more quickly for individual events or cases.
Another book that I think would be good for you and I've just got on amazon kindle is Whole Again. It goes into why we go for these type of people and how to heal ourselves to prevent it. I've just downloaded it today and im impressed
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314/ref=asc_df_0143133314/?tag=googshopuk-21&amp;linkCode=df0&amp;hvadid=310973726618&amp;hvpos=1o1&amp;hvnetw=g&amp;hvrand=1679857959206534129&amp;hvpone=&amp;hvptwo=&amp;hvqmt=&amp;hvdev=m&amp;hvdvcmdl=&amp;hvlocint=&amp;hvlocphy=1006864&amp;hvtargid=pla-546139229406&amp;psc=1&amp;th=1&amp;psc=1
Just commenting to say I know where you are. My INTJ friend has stuck with me through some honestly crazy times, and she's always seemed to encourage me to accept myself rather just judge myself unfairly.
I've also found reading about the "authentic self" particularly helpful, as well as doing activities that encourage you to get more in touch with your inner voice - such as tarot, where you're reflecting and reading deeply into your own psyche, meditation, and tapping accupressure points with affirmations- what I try to practice is something called Emotional Freedom Technique which some people say is too new-agey but I find really helps me let go of emotions that build up or don't belong to me.
Have courage and faith in yourself. Find INFJ role models to help you appreciate your unique charm ;)
Try This and therapy... Allow yourself time to heal. This will take time, but that also means you don't have to get over it overnight. You can do this thing one bite at a time.
Get this book. Read this book. It forced me to face the relationship with my dad. It's not ok.
Sorry on phone and can't remember how to link.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0449906442/ref=mp_s_a_1_7?qid=1398009204&amp;sr=8-7&amp;pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70et this book. Read this book. It severely forced me to re look at the relationship I had with my dad.
Please read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1439102147/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1492137968&amp;sr=8-5&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=codependent+no+more&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51WSxXg8puL&amp;ref=plSrch
>statist concept of borders
Interpersonal boundaries 101
>sad to see how the sub has become this
There's a place for you, it's called /r/GoldandBlack
>freedom of movement
This wouldn't exist in a stateless society.
I was looking for something else and found this. When I think about it, his control-freak tendencies might actually stem from feelings of insecurity and loss of control.
Don't talk to anyone in your family. It will only create problems.
There are many people in the world who understand how you feel. You are not alone.
If you are old enough to write this post, then you might as well start learning the truth.
I encourage you to start with this book:
Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0932194532/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_z5MYDbBWZZNEZ
Good luck friend.
SMART Recovery Family & Friends is an alternative to Alanon and Johnson-style intervention.
It's based on CRAFT (Community Reinforcement And Family Training) which was developed by Dr. Bob Meyers.
CRAFT was one of the methods featured on the HBO series 'Addiction'.
There are online meetings available, a discussion board, and face to face meetings have started in some locations.
Most of the material centers around a book "Get Your Loved One Sober", which was co-authored by Bob Meyers, but there are other materials used as well.
The groups put a lot of focus on what you can do for yourself, first... and then how you can reinforce your loved one's good behavior while detaching yourself from their addictive behavior.
I've been a volunteer meeting facilitator for SMART Recovery for over 10 years, and I've heard a lot of positive feedback from the people using Family & Friends.
I found a book you might like
https://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Being-Insecure-Relationship-ebook/dp/B00HQNE1RM