(Part 3) Best marriage books according to redditors
We found 1,227 Reddit comments discussing the best marriage books. We ranked the 381 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 41-60. You can also go back to the previous section.
57. Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)
3 mentions
http://www.amazon.com/The-End-Men-Rise-Women/dp/1594488045/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348170752&sr=8-1&keywords=the+end+of+men
http://www.amazon.com/Manning-Up-Rise-Women-Turned/dp/0465028365/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1348170839&sr=1-1&keywords=manning+up
http://www.amazon.com/Man-Down-Reasonable-Gamblers-Everything/dp/0810998297/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348171039&sr=8-1&keywords=man+down
Etc. It hasn't been out of fashion. It's been in fashion. It's just been under the guise of "now that everyone realizes women are so awesome and so much better than men, it's pretty obvious how men suck."
I shouldn't have limited it to books, but blog and newspaper articles as well. It's been a very popular topic among "real" (not straw) feminists.
Instead of buying myself a period consolation gift, I just ordered What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting for my husband. Although he's a nurse, he really doesn't seem to understand all this TTC business. I'll update later on with his review if he gives me one.
Except that this backlash took an additional 30 years, and instead of a few old racist KKK members left, it's gaining new members- men and boys everywhere who are coming to the realization that it's not equality that's being served, but straight up misandry.
It's not getting smaller, it's getting bigger.
We're talking about boys and men who tried to do the right thing, even ex-feminists.. and when they realize all they're being served is shit pie, they jump on the red pill.
It's not becoming less common at all- the manosphere as a concept didn't even exist until the past 5 or so years. It's not just growing, it's gaining momentum!
What do you do with this problem? It's not a small shrinking number or men, it's a growing number of discontents...
No one should have to go what you did. If my STBX had a younger twin sister, you married her.
I am so glad you are getting out. Save this post somewhere because you will want to occasionally remind yourself what you were going through, when you start to forget the bad stuff and think maybe it was not so bad. Right now it looks like you are in emotional turmoil but at least you are breaking out of the fog. You also might find http://psychopathsandlove.com/how-to-never-get-involved-with-an-abuser-again/ useful. You already found /r/raisedbynarcissists so you might also want to visit /r/bpdlovedones
Since you have recognized codependent behaviors in yourself, you can use the advice in No More Mr Nice Guy (there is a pdf you can browse first) to work on that.
Two useful books on your upcoming divorce:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family
I am about a year ahead of you, and my head is a much better place now. You can do it.
Maybe you could continue to live together as co-parents but end your sexual relationship, allowing both you and your wife to take other lovers. Or, you could live separately but in adjoining homes.
Have you seen the book The New I Do? It describes some creative solutions that people are finding for their marriages, rather than try to fit themselves into the square hole that doesn't work for many of us. You seem like a highly intelligent person with lots of resources, so I'll bet you and your wife could come to a workable agreement.
I'm sorry, but the physical incompatibility you describe does not sound fixable to me. When a man doesn't smell right to me, it's a dealbreaker.
If I were one of those dudes who died shielding his girlfriend I would be just fucking thrilled that not only did I die to protect a loved one, I also died so that somebody could use me to push her anti-feminist agenda.
I Love a Cop is kind of the standard...
My best friend is going through a nasty divorce with a narcissist and so I got this to figure him out better. It’s informative if you’ve ever had a narcissist in your life (I haven’t really other than her EX and Mark). It’s called “ Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family ” by Katy McBride.
Not sure if this link works for you, but this is his book. It's an easy read, and very satisfying for me. Hope you get the same revelation that I did.
https://www.amazon.com/Manhood-Better-Man-Just-Live-ebook/dp/B00H6JHR5E/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1527063592&sr=1-1&keywords=manhood+terry+crews
I'd suggest you also get a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Be sure you get an attorney who has experience with "high conflict personalities" in divorce.
r/bpdlovedones
r/narcissticabuse
can also be helpful
Edit: Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family
by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.
Here you go
I'm working from memory here, and it's been a while since I've read some of these, so please bear with me.
I also recommend The Basement Tapes by RC Sproul Jr and others. They are wide-ranging and helped me establish a vision for my own family. They're on like 140-something and I only got through the first 40 (for various uninteresting reasons). Highlands Ministries also does Salt Talks which I haven't listened to, but assume they are similar.
Some books that I have come across:
I can't really recommend one over any of the others (perhaps other posters can add their recommendations) as there were parts in all of them I found helpful, and other parts I found less helpful. Most of them are available on Kindle so you can have a look at the free samples to get an idea if any of them suit you.
A good book if you're looking for a biblical survey:
https://www.amazon.com/Exemplary-Husband-Biblical-Perspective/dp/1885904312/
You'll find a variety of opinions and it looks different in each marriage. A good marriage can leverage the strengths of each partner while helping each other in areas where they are weak. My personal advice for a "now" action plan would be this - pray and see if you feel any specific area where you are deficient and ask God what you should do about it. I think good leadership often begins with prayer and self-evaluation. God tends to convict and lead us if we are seeking it (which is what you are doing here).
In general, I'd say a man is responsible for setting the spiritual priorities of the home, providing financially, protecting physically and spiritually. But again, each marriage is different - there is a lot of freedom in marriage with general roles spelled out in chapters like Ephesians 5.
If you're looking for an idea of how different marriages do it, you could also post this over at /r/ChristianMarriage to get some ideas.
It's commonly misdiagnosed and a diagnosis ultimately doesn't really matter anyway, since there isn't specific treatment options. I was diagnosed as having ADHD early in life for example (Asperger's wasn't really a thing back then).
I'd still encourage you to do some reading if you suspect it at all. This book could be a good start, it specifically talks about diagnosis https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1849059993/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
The fact that you are seeing a therapist at all is a good start, but you may also want to consider finding one who deals with autism spectrum (AS) disorders specifically, as they might be able to recognize it better and provide better advice on what to do about it.
They make me so angry. Someone gifted my beautiful, kind, caring friend a copy of Created to be His Help Meet for her wedding, and my mouth hit the floor when I paged through it. Debi Pearl is for sure a JNMIL.
I am an Aspie male and have been with my wife for 29 years now. I think what has saved us is that she is a very direct person. She probably walked on eggshells for awhile too. She is the one who saw I had AS and tried to bring it up for years. When I discovered I was on the Spectrum, we began to have long discussions. This saved our marriage.
You absolutely must tell him how you feel and what you want out of your relationship. It is better to risk his feeling criticised than driving yourself into the ground. Write him a letter if you have to. Tell him exactly what you have told us here. You really have nothing to loose. Also, seeking therapy for yourself will help you cope.
Get him to seek a diagnosis. It will point the way to cope. In the meantime, there are several books on Aspie/NT relationships on Amazon. Here: https://www.amazon.ca/Marriage-Relationships-Aspergers-Syndrome-Spectrum/dp/1849059993 Be sure to scroll down to see the many other books available on the subject.
Best of luck!
She also released a new edition of "First Kill All the Marriage Counselors" with a more palatable title for giving to wives. Not sure I am actively pushing this on my wife, but under the right circumstances I might bring it up.
https://www.amazon.com/Empowered-Wife-Surprising-Attracting-Husband%C2%92s/dp/1944648380
This article talks about Biblical leadership.... one thing to note is that men are not commanded to take leadership, but merely to be willing to lead. It is women’s responsibility to submit to the God-given authority of their husband. Your commands include to love your wife, to choose what is best for her, and to be willing and able to lead her and your family. She is the one commanded to submit to your authority.
It is godly to not want to seize authority over your wife. But it is not godly to allow her to take leadership over you, nor is it godly of her to be insubordinate to you. That’s the main difference.
As to the shopping/ finances. It seems a lot of it is online shopping. Could you treat her shopping addiction like a porn addiction? Therapy, structure (a budget!), and limited access to the internet. If she agrees to do something and then doesn’t hold onto that promise, her word is worth nothing. She needs to rebuild your trust in her through time, truth, and right action. I STRONGLY suggest reading (and implementing!) Boundaries in Marriage
Further research—I haven’t watched it, but it’s John Piper
Can you follow this link?
I've heard really good things about this book. Would he be receptive to something like that?
Unfortunately there really isn't any one book that puts all of that into a fun narrative like there is to describe all fo the things that a woman goes through pre, during, and beyond puberty. We just don't experience anywhere near the level of daily difficulty with our hormones and our anatomy to warrant a large selection on narative essay literature.
This is also compounded by our historical bias toward male centric view points making mens health the general topic, simply called Fitness, and womans health the specialty topic.
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I've selected the following titles, all are a cross between narative essay and textbook. But they swing more toward a less technical lexicon
The Joy of Sex
Practical Encyclopedia of Sex and Health
The Harvard Medical School Guide to Men's Health
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For books by men I respect:
Terry Crews: Manhood: How to be a better man-or just live with one
Nick Offerman: Paddle your own canoe: One man's fundamentals for deliciuos living
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To answer the question you kinda asked in your reply...
Pre-ejaculate fluid does not contain sperm. It is created by the Cowper's glands at the base of the penis, completly seperated from the testes. It is also not the same thing as semenal fluid. The misconception about pre-ejaculate comes from a few perfect storm style things occuring in a row.
A) The male must have ejaculated prior to the new pre-ejaculate.
B) Some sperm must have remain behind in the urethra
C) No urine passed through the urethra between ejaculation and new pre-ejaculate
If all of that happens, then the sperm will be picked up by the new pre-ejaculate and expelled from the urethra.
You disbelieve that monogamy created the social stability that was conducive to economic growth? Wow. Read just about any book on the subject; ie: http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Civilization-Monogamy-Made-Human/dp/1621572013 . Any gains from polygamy are eroded by the conflicts they create.
http://www.amazon.com/Manhood-Better-Man-Just-Live/dp/0804178054
This should help you out.
I've been reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps with my girlfriend and I think it has been helping. It addresses things both partners can do and illustrates some of the destructive cycles couples with an ADHD partner sometimes get in and how to avoid them.
I Love a Cop is the most well known.
This is a classic and long-term DB. I just thought about sharing with you a new book, [The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels] (http://www.amazon.com/The-New-Do-Reshaping-Marriage/dp/1580055451), by Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson. There are others listed on the right as well.
If you're seeking to opt out or open up your marriage, such info could be helpful. If you stay you could have a discreet and open marriage. You're being 57, married for 25, your sexless situation is beyond repair. You could stay though for the kids.
The book challenges readers to consider alternate marital agreements in a world where married people are in sexless marriages, more couples are having children out of wedlock and about half of all marriages end in divorce. “Rather than continue to encourage people to cram themselves into an old model that isn’t working for many — about one out of two marriages ends in divorce — we want to acknowledge what’s already happening and encourage you to think about new ways to marry,” the authors write. It offers up seven models of alternate marriages for modern couples to consider. Reading the reviews on amazon could be enough.
Your reading assignment:
http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
and
http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Passionate-Marriage-David-Schnarch/dp/1591790794
Thank you. I just ordered the NT woman/AS man one. I am still waiting for this to arrive:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1931282048/ref=pe_385040_30332210_pe_334560_28252370_3p_dp_1
My wife is reading this and she said it is helping her out a lot.
As the wife of a man who just got out of academy, and is now working as a cop, I understand. Read "I Love a Cop" and "Bullets in the Washing Machine", as well as check out The Police Wife Life, the facebook group is amazing. The books will make you cry, but will help you understand. If you need to talk, PM me. :) hug
My kids are 5 and 8, but I know my son already doesn't want to hang out with his mom and has started to confide in me to protect him from her. I hope he can be as courageous in front of a judge if it can help him keep his mother away from him.
>Did you ever read Splitting?
No, but I am about to start reading "Will I ever be free of you?"
> All the lonely people, where do they all come from? - The BPDs in that equation are the architects of their own loneliness.
Chicken or the egg, are they trolls because they are lonely, or are they lonely because they are trolls? :P
Thanks, Im gonna start with this book after that article
https://www.amazon.com/Manhood-Better-Man-Just-Live/dp/0804178054
Oh trust me it is far more common than you realize.
Two books
Book 1 by Gina Pera
Book 2
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>He on the other hand has a reoccurring cocaine addiction
If he has a recovering stimulant addiction than you should probably be very specific on what medications you try.
 
 
>terrible ODD.
Now all ADHD medications can help with oppositional defiant disorder.
Second ODD can have different manifestations and different components. If he has the smart alex where he has an instant comeback without think of it, all the ADHD medications can help but one med to try is doing intuniv alone, or adding intuniv to his stimulant if he is on a stimulant.
Why it helps is complicated and I will not explain all of the parts of how the drug works.
But when you are stressed your body does a surge of adrenaline and a surge of norepinephrine. You have something called adrenergic receptors which determine what is happening with the norepinephrine and adrenaline and do different things depending how much norepinephrine and adrenaline are released and whether it is long sustained released or whether you have an extreme microsecond SURGE and pulse.
Well the surge and pulse aspect of norepinephrine and adrenaline where you got such an extreme surge all of a sudden causes a feature called cognitive capture where your brain just focuses on one thing and all other things are tuned out, even if they are important. Sometimes you are emotional you probably experience it, where you hear what someone says but it just does not register, it does not computer, but the emotional reaction and your first instincts just take over.
Well Intuniv treats ADHD in multiple ways but it helps prevent these sudden surges from taking over, while at the same time helping emotional control, reigning in impulsivity, and help prefrontal function. As an analogy imagine installing a levy / water wall around a town where you have a defense against water. A waver of water can surpass the levy but most of the time it can't. Now besides the levy you can also instead marshes / flood banks where if a 100ft high, the wave still hits, but the flood banks cause the 100ft water to be broken up pre-emptively and now you have the same amount of water but it is not so high.
These people also authored the 'Help-Meet' book for wives. Because, for a woman, that's really all you can be in religion. A tool.
http://www.amazon.com/Created-Be-His-Help-Meet/dp/1892112604/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1
Check out this book The ADHD Effect on Marriage written by a non-ADHD wife to an ADHD husband. It's very insightful for common issues in non-ADHD/ADHD relationships.
Meds are not necessarily required to stop the cycle of fighting. It sounds like you both say mean things to each other, sort of reactively. Yes, ADHD makes us more likely to fly off the handle, but this can be lessened with deliberate practice. You also both sound like you're under a lot of stress. Have you tried meditation? Or a vacation together?
Two things. 1) is there a period dance I can do to make it start? 2) I'm not sure if my husband is stocking me on here or what but this showed up in our mailbox yesterday, addressed to him:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1616080582?pc_redir=T1
I almost cried. We had a small discussion about all of this the other night in which he admitted that he felt useless, like he wasn't doing enough and he knows that I feel alone. I'm assuming that conversation sparked his purchase of this book. Yay!
How long have you guys been married for?
I can only help from personal experience. And I could be right/close or I might not be right at all regarding your wife.
I've been married 5 years and still think about my exes at times. I loved them but I knew they weren't people I wanted to marry and spend my life with. I think I struggle with /r/limerence and perhaps your wife does too. Thoughts, dreams at night still include exes even though I don't want them to!
The fact that your wife is looking into exes (this deeply, to the point of separation,) etc... and dragging you around for this ride of hers is totally unfair and mean!
I am hoping that this is something she can get out of her system ASAP. She needs to learn about "love" versus "emotions" possibly. It's a lesson I have been learning over the last 1-2 years for myself. It takes time, but I am trying to be happy/content with the wonderful life I have. "Grass is greener where you water it" type deal.
Your wife possibly hasn't closed the book on her past, but PERHAPS you'd be willing to walk this journey WITH her. You seem to truly love her and seem committed to your marriage. (I am in awe of that, as your love and commitment is inspiring.) Your wife could possibly just have baggage. Baggage that she wants to naturally hide from you, because her baggage has to do with.. exes... and "what ifs" regarding them. What if you provide an environment for her that she doesn't have to hide from you and work through her thoughts alone and she can open up to you?
We have to get her to see that:
I suggest, like the other 2 posters, that you continue counseling (so you both can learn and grow together during this season.) She should get whatever is going on with her OUT on the TABLE, dig deep, get nitty-gritty! Even though it hurts! And it could hurt you too, a lot. Try not to let it, try not to take it personally. It's a war within her mind and heart. You seem to be a great guy. She just has to get over this hump, educate herself, and TRY with you. Put in some effort on her end!
If she is willing to TRY with you, I suggest you stay. Give it a year? with no.. "side-guy behavior" if that is what you want from her.
My husband and I got this baggage of mine out on the table about 3 years ago. I even fell for a new dude (who I'm still limerent with, but we stopped talking and I know he'd be horrible for me... I just struggle with limerence...) But my husband and I had to TALK about it. I had to tell my husband "what I was getting from the other guy that I wasn't at home, etc." Those topics were hard for my husband to hear, but he listened and he still listens when I have a tough day now, 3 years later. Limerence STAYS with a person.. it's terrible and I don't wish it on anyone, especially people who are married.
Anyway, He's been my friend THROUGH this. I love him even that much more for it, and we've been doing so great in the last 1-2 years!
Resources for Couples:
I haven't read her book Created to Be His Help Meet: Discover How God Can Make Your Marriage Glorious, but I see one woman, Piedmont Lady, who has read it and reviewed it on Amazon.com stating:
>I am a Christian wife and mother. I have enjoyed some of the Pearls' writings in the past and I was actually perplexed when I read this book. The overall tone of the book is that nearly all the problems in marriage are caused by some fault in the woman, and if she would just get her act together and do x, y, and z then the marriage would be glorious. Wow - unfortunately, there are no cookie cutter marriages whose problems can all be solved by Debi's book.
>
>Many readers claim this book is great because it is based on the bible, but Mrs. Pearl offers no exegesis on the subject of marriage. For her to claim that her book reveals "God's plan for a heavenly marriage" (p. 15) is misleading. Just because she sprinkled in multiple bible verses and bible stories does not mean Debi has clearly described God's plan for wives.
>
>There are times where the author's biblical illustration completely goes against what the scripture is teaching. One example is in chapter 19 (which deals with the topic of being chaste) where Debi blames Bathsheba for the adulterous affair with David. She claims if Bathsheba had just been more discreet, she could have prevented the calamity that followed. This is not what the bible teaches about that story. Scripture says David was the one who sought her out and initiated the affair. In Second Samuel, God sent the prophet Nathan to rebuke David for his lust and the adultery. It is quite clear in that passage that God put the responsibility on David. I have never heard any pastor implicate Bathsheba when teaching about that story....
I also have not read another book she has written, To Train Up A Child. But I see another Amazon.com reviewer, R. Craig "Mother", of the latter book wrote this about it:
>Barnes and Noble no longer sells this book.
>
Here are some details:
>
>1) The Pearls recommend whipping infants only a few months old on their bare skin. They describe whipping their own 4 month old daughter (p.9). They recommend whipping the bare skin of "every child" (p.2) for "Christians and non-Christians" (p.5) and for "every transgression" (p.1). Parents who don't whip their babies into complete submission are portrayed as indifferent, lazy, careless and neglectful (p.19) and are "creating a Nazi" (p.45).
>
>2) On p.60 they recommend whipping babies who cannot sleep and are crying, and to never allow them "to get up." On p.61 they recommend whipping a 12 month old girl for crying. On p.79 they recommend whipping a 7 month old for screaming.
>
>3) On p.65 co-author Debi Pearl whips the bare leg of a 15 month old she is babysitting, 10 separate times, for not playing with something she tells him to play with. On p.56 Debi Pearl hits a 2 year old so hard "a karate chop like wheeze came from somewhere deep inside."
>
>4) On p.44 they say not to let the child's crying while being hit to "cause you to lighten up on the intensity or duration of the spanking." On p.59 they recommend whipping a 3 year old until he is "totally broken."
>
>5) On p.55 the Pearls say a mother should hit her child if he cries for her.
>
>6) On p.46 the Pearls say that if a child does obey before being whipped, whip them anyway. And "if you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher." "Defeat him totally." On p.80 they recommend giving a child having a tantrum "a swift forceful spanking." On the same page they say to whip small children on their bare skin until they stop screaming. "Don't be bullied. Give him more of the same." They say to continue whipping until their crying turns into a "wounded, submissive whimper."
>
>7) On p.47 they recommend their various whips, including "a belt or larger tree branch" to hit children.
>
>8) The Pearls recommend pulling a nursing infant's hair (p.7), and describe tripping their non-swimming toddler so she falls into deep water (p.67). They recommend ignoring an infant's bumped head when he falls to the floor, and ignoring skinned knees (p.86). They also say "if your child is roughed-up by peers, rejoice." (p.81) And on p.103 the Pearls say if children lose their shoes, "let them go without until they (the children) can make the money to buy more."
>
>9) The Pearls claim their "training" methods are Godly, yet they have no religious training or credentials They never mention Jesus' injunctions to forgive "seventy times seven" and be merciful, and they decry the "extraordinary ingnorance of modern psychology."
>
>The Pearls' methods have resulted in parents being investigated by Child Protective Services, children being taken away from parents, a restraining order against a father, and even a babysitter going to jail on felony charges!
Another reviewer, Manon Gray, wrote the following:
>My mother was given this book while I was a child. Wanting to raise a well-behaved child, she would spank me with a belt. She is proud of me. I am a senior at Princeton University and practicing Catholic. However, today my mother would tell you that I am these things in spite of the teachings of "To Train Up a Child," in spite of the self-loathing and insecurity caused by whippings which would not end until I could pretend to be content. Pretend to embrace the necessity for my own torture.
>
>I was abused. Please do not look to this book for guidance.
I'd also refer you to Mike and Debi Pearl: Child Disipline or Child Abuse. One story from that webpage discussing the Pearl's childrearing recommendations follows:
>On February 6, 2010, Lydia Schatz, the seven year old homeschooled daughter of Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz, died after having been brutally beaten for mispronouncing a word while reading out loud to her mother. Butte County, California District Attorney, Mike Ramsey, reported that evidence shows the child was severely and repeatedly whipped, most likely for several hours, with a 15” piece of ¼” plumbing supply line, the same instrument that also left her older sister with severe kidney damage and in critical condition. The other seven Schatz children are now in foster homes, their parents having been charged with torture and murder.
>
>While it might be comforting to believe that this is one horrific, isolated case of abusive behavior, the fact is that Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz were Bible-believing Christians who welcomed not only their own children into their home but three adopted ones as well. Their friends reported how shocked they were to hear this story about parents whom they called “loving” and “warm” and children who were “polite and well-behaved,” words that could describe most homeschooling families.
>
>But Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz were also devotees of the book To Train Up A Child and its authors, Michael and Debi Pearl, and they patterned their “discipline” methods after the Pearls’ instructions, down to the very instrument they used to beat their children.
>
>This is not the first time a child has died at the hands of parents who embraced the teachings from TTUAC. In 2004, four year old Sean Paddock suffocated after his mother also beat him with ¼” plumbing supply line and then wrapped him tightly in a blanket to keep him from getting out of bed. She is now serving time in jail for first degree murder.
>
>The killing of precious children in the name of “discipline” must stop and those of us who desire to come alongside and encourage homeschooling families must do all that we can to see that this sort of tragedy never happens again. I believe that the Pearls’ teachings on chastisement unto repentance, found in their books and magazines and on their website, is not just one among many approaches to disciplining children, but rather, is a form of child abuse and even one that is considered to be assault and battery of a child and punishable by law in many states.
So, I hope you do not look to this woman for guidance.
Info | Details
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Amazon Product | The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband’s Time, Attention, and Affection
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I read parts of his book on Reforming Marriage. Good stuff, but pretty hard hitting. He's not a soft speaker.
He could use a little more grace and gospel motivation, but good stuff nonetheless.
Companionate marriages can work very well if everyone involved is open and honest about what they want and why they want it. I would strongly recommend a sexually and/or romantically open marriage if you do decide to move forward with this. It also sounds like you both bring a lot of joy and value to each other's lives, so even if you don't get legally married (or even if you "break up" for good) there's no reason not to stay close friends.
Check out "The New I Do" by Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson. There's a great chapter in there on companionate marriage, as well as tons of info on how to make different relationship structures work in today's world.
I am an antifeminist - someone who is against the feminist movement, which for the past four decades have been systematically Spreading Misandry, Legalizing Misandry, waging an all out War Against Men and sadly even a War Against Boys.
>I would say you're completely entitled to that opinion
Nice to know!
>But a lot of the sites you've been linking me to don't just argue that, they argue that all the women in these movements are also sexists who want female superiority over men.
Yes, because that has been my experience in dealing with feminists.
>Not only that, but the sites can't even back up their claims with anything other than hearsay and misleading quotes.
Check out the books:
Spreading Misandry: The Teaching of Contempt for Men in Popular Culture
Legalizing Misandry: From Public Shame to Systemic Discrimination Against Men
They are described as "massive and massively-researched volumes", and "thoroughly documented scholarly work". These two books are must read material.
I see the incredible destructiveness that feminism has brought. It has waged an all out war against
boys,
men
and fathers.
Feminism has poisoned the minds of the majority of American women. Consider the book My Enemy, my love by Judith Levine.
One of the most depressing books I have ever read. From the reviews:
>Here, a contributing editor to New York Woman convincingly argues that some degree of man-hating (misandry) is practically universal among American women today. For evidence of man-hating, Levine draws on 80 in-depth interviews with women of various social classes, ethnic backgrounds, occupations, and sexual orientations. Nearly all women, she finds, perceive men as fitting one or more stereotypes: either that of needy
Infant,'' exploitativeBetrayer,'' or testosterone-poisoned ``Beast.'' Levine goes on to describe the genesis of such attitudes in women's first relationships with their fathers, and represents the feminist movement of the 60's and 70's as the first time that women recognized the commonality of these feelings and claimed the right to express them. Her discussion concludes with portraits of individual women and the strategies they have found for dealing with their hatred or ambivalence: total avoidance of men; intimacy marred by strife; rage and disappointment; utter capitulation.Your description reminded me of something. This isn't it -- the book I was thinking of is still stuck on the tip of my tongue -- but it turned up during my googling, and according to one review, there are even 7 marriages in it: https://www.amazon.com/New-Do-Reshaping-Marriage-Skeptics/dp/1580055451/?tag=wwwbelladepau-20
I have done extensive research, which is why I hate feminists. I am an antifeminist - someone who is against the feminist movement, which for the past four decades have been systematically Spreading Misandry, Legalizing Misandry, waging an all out War Against Men and sadly even a War Against Boys.
>Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One
From NFL player turned film and TV star Terry Crews comes a wise and warmhearted memoir chronicling his lifelong quest to become a good man, loving husband, and responsible father.
What does it mean to be a man? Terry Crews, TV’s iconic “Old Spice Guy” and co-star of the hit Golden Globe Award–winning series Brooklyn Nine-Nine, has spent decades seeking the answer to that question. In Manhood, he shares what he’s learned, telling the amazing story of his rise to fame and offering straight-talking advice for men and the women who love them.
> This was turned around on men in the 90's and 00's.
You've yet to show any indication of that.
>Again, I'm not talking about idealizing someone
Then how is this relevant? I'm talking about behavior that Cyralea claims is BP advice, to idealize/pedestalize your partner, to constantly bend over backwards for them, was not seen as helpful marital advice (except perhaps half a century ago to women).
If you are also claiming that behavior is BP advice, then show it.
>Boundaries in Marriage
I don't have access to the book, but reading reviews and quotes from it doesn't seem to match up with your description
>"There is a huge difference between causing someone pain and causing someone harm. Refusing to rescue someone may be painful for them, but it does not do them any harm. In fact, when we rescue them or appease them, we allow them to continue harming us or harm themselves, merely to get them temporarily out of pain. In reality, rescuing a person often results in enabling them and a continued perpetuation of the problem as the result."
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995#customerReviews
This doesn't at all sound like they want men to bend over backwards and appease women.
Well, you're confounding society and biology.
Now, one could definitely make the argument that biologically speaking many women could pair with a single man as long as they considered the man a good provider
and one could easily make the argument that in the modern world it isn't feasible for a man to support multiple women and the progeny that multiple women would produce.
There have been several books written with the thesis that monogamy was essential for the rise of civilization such as : https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Civilization-Monogamy-Made-Human/dp/1621572013
So here is what we know and have collected scientific data on though, people receiving human intimacy generally speaking live longer and that trust is, generally speaking, the most important metric considered in the longevity of a relationship and that a commitment to monogamy is functionally easy than trying to sort out trust in a polygamous or polyamorus relationship.
Now, one could conclude that a monogamous relationship provides the best economy for relationships in general and therefore that is why we are meant to be monogamous or one could conclude that we are meant to be monogamous and therefore monogamy provides the greatest amount of economy but there is no functional difference in either of those conclusions if you can't trust your spouse or your spouse can't trust you.
You need to read the book. She was not celebrating anything.
UPDATE
Hello everyone.
Since making this post, and having received all these thoughtful, helpful, insightful posts from everyone here, I have been thinking a lot to myself.
It's been busy days in my brain the past two days, as I've had an entire mind shift. I realize now that a lot of what I said in my original post was wrong, and selfish.
I feel that I've been degrading her as a person with ADD, as well as ADD/ADHD in general. I didn't know much about ADD, she's told me about it, tried to explain things to me and I believed I understood them very well, but I was very wrong in that regard.
I decided I don't want to lose her, I love her to the bone and everything that comes with her. I am not ready to give up and let things go.
I started thinking deeply, and I now realize I was at fault. I believed I understood everything about her, but in reality I never put myself in her shoes, in my mind. I started reading up about ADD/ADHD, and a lot of things for me too were an 'aha' moment. There's so much clarity now, and now that I understand a lot more (but far from how much I want to!), looking back.. I feel like I have been degrading her quite a bit, saying the things that you would normally say to someone to make them feel better. But with someone with ADD/ADHD it just makes them feel degraded, annoyed and undervalued.
Yes, ADD/ADHD has their set of 'problems', but these problems can be just as good as solutions to things as they could be problems. There are so many things about her character and ADD now that I can understand are very positive, she can deal with any upcoming expected situation, she's so easygoing and she is able to focus on one thing at a time so well, all things that I could never dream of doing.
It was extremely wrong of me to question her medicine, and when I did she got very defensive, and very understandably so.
It was selfish, and it's something she needs to cope with certain things. I should have never questioned it.
We still aren't as close as we used to be, but things have been going much better. I have told her and proved to her that I am doing my absolute best to recognize the problems that ADD is causing her, and she was extremely happy and appreciative towards that approach for me.
I realize now that you cannot have a relationship with a non ADHD and an AHDH'er, unless you learn everything there is to learn about both people in the relationship regarding the thoughts they have on these things. AHDH'ers and non ADHD'ers both have symptoms in a relationship, these need to be understood by both.
I am in the process of understanding everything there is to understand about her (or, at least I'm doing everything I can to do so.)
Currently reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005MRBEAG/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title
There are negative sides to ADHD/ADD that I now recognize, but thanks to that there are just as many positive ones that make the other person exactly who they are, and are the very reason I was attracted to her for.
Things have been going better, and I hope they'll only move forward from here on out. However, I'm still having difficulty gaining her faith in the fact that I see her 'problem' as something just as positive as a solution.
Thank you all for your words and messages, it's truly been a tremendous help.
See:
https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love-ebook/dp/B0056A8A2Y
https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships-ebook/dp/B007679QTG/
It's been a fetish for a VERY long time.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candaules,_King_of_Lydia,_Shews_his_Wife_by_Stealth_to_Gyges,_One_of_his_Ministers,_as_She_Goes_to_Bed
On a more modern note - in the 90s, Penthouse has always had those fan submitted "penthouse letters". Basically erotica written by readers. The #1 category typically fell within the realm of wife-cheating/sharing in one way or another.
Men have a lot of anxiety about their own worth when it comes to infidelity. It's really no wonder all that anxiety manifests itself sexually. Anxieties have a way of doing that...
People always like to quote that the most hardcore homophobes typically turns out to be gay. And i don't think that's the case. I do think that ..spending so much time and emotional energy on it, will eventually drag your sexuality a certain way. So that's why you see random, family values Republican preachers locked away in a motel with their barely-legal boy toys.
Also - am cuck. That Daily Beast article has been floating around a long time. It's shit. Most people with this fetish aren't "intellectuals". Most of them barely understand their own fetish well enough to even think about acting on it without tearing their relationshps, nevermind their own psyche's apart. Cuckoldry is literally the result of sexually manifested anxieties regarding jealousy and infidelity as that times to your worth and masculine identity. And successful non-monogamous relationship of any style, has to be able to handle jealousy in a positive manner. These two things are at odds when people try acting out this fetish. That's why you end up with cyclic bullshit like this:
https://www.salon.com/2013/09/13/i_dated_a_cuckold/
Nevermind the guys who can't handle the reality of what they think they want.
This is a better article on the subject: http://www.nerve.com/dispatches/ma/cuckold
This is a fairly decent text on the subject: https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love-ebook/dp/B0056A8A2Y
The fact this word has been appropriated by the alt-right and has become mainstream lingo mentioned on daily tv and the likes of everything from Rush Limbaugh to the Colbert Late Night Show, kinda sucks.
>Webster has the true definition of feminism.
Webster (and other dictionaries) have the claimed, dictionary definition of feminism, which is not even remotely close to how feminists really think and act.
>My dad is most certainly not a doormat. He and my mother treat each other as equals.
A man supporting feminism is like a black person supporting the KKK, or a jew supporting the nazis.
>Seriously, don't you see what you're doing?
I most certainly do.
>How do you feel when you tell someone you're a Men's Rights activist and they automatically assume you think this makes you better than women? You know that's not true.
If those women are feminists, then yes, I AM better than them. The same is true of male feminists as well.
>So why apply a similar stigma to a word that is, at its heart, the same as what you believe?
I am an antifeminist. Feminism is antithetical to my beliefs.
Feminism is a hate movement that for half a century has been Spreading Misandry, Legalizing Misandry, and Sanctifying Misandry. It has been actively waging a War Against Men and sadly even a War against Boys.
Edit: Wait wait wait, are you saying you are actually in love with your FWB? I mean ok, sure, it could be cuckolding if things have changed so are you saying it’s actually moved on from FWB now? That’s maybe a whole different topic. Are you wanting to get this relationship towards a real commitment? Maybe just not acknowledging it yourself? Or...she’s not ready? What’s the deal? I mean let’s sideline this cuckolding thing for now and address you falling in love with your FWB. That’s...kind of a big deal right?
I was going to limit my response to “I just don’t see it that way” but after writing this all out it’s simply objectively false to call what you’re doing cuckolding. It’s just mashing other individual fetishes based on pornographic tropes and calling it cuckolding. You might just as well have come from a protracted jerking session on pornhub just to post here.
Humiliation existed as a variation of BDSM long before the cuckolding fetish became popularized by pornography. So did denial and chastity. They also currently exist as wholly separate ways of playing for couples absent of any cuckolding dynamic. Voyerism is and has always been it’s own thing.
So, striping that all away as individual fetishes based on what you prefer, then how should anyone else view the relationship you described? Well, a friend with benefits is...a friend absent of the recognizable commitment in truly coupled arrangements...with benefits...meaning you enjoy sexual encounters without the commitment. So you’re living the Kardashian life of the sexual Olympics. Kudos. Slow clap.
The original source for the cuckolding fetish was a cheating wife meaning the couple was outwardly recognized as married. This changed a bit over time to allow the husband to know of his wife’s indiscretions if not fully aware or included in any way. This does not require anything else like chastity or humiliation.
Jeez, I could go on for an hour here. It’s better if you check out what most people consider the canonical source for what cuckolding is and how it actually works in real life. I’m basing what I’m saying on this author’s research, and, well, other verifiable sources like the Kinsey report and other recent papers on sexuality and non-monogamy. This one’s easily accessible to you...
https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love-ebook/dp/B0056A8A2Y
Read his book Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One
It's fantastic
I'm not sure Hannah Rosin, the author of "The End of Men", is the type of feminist that would find a home in a movement that has decried articles with such titles as "The End of Gamers".
Here is a debate from 2011 where a real equity feminist, Based Mom, goes to town on Hannah Rosin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNINB0tyGI0
Why is it our responsibility to make women successful in games? Are women supposed to rule everything?
Read this, and tell me again why we need to care. http://www.amazon.com/The-End-Men-Rise-Women/dp/B00D9TA4VY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413817890&sr=8-1&keywords=the+end+of+men
One last thing, I'd strongly recommend this book. I don't mean to sound cliche but it's changed so much in my life for the better. Couple of hard truths, but definitely a very good read and something I think all wives should read. Good luck to you in this!!
A friend recommended this book to my husband and I when we were young married couple. We even went to a weekend seminar about it. Very good. We’ve been married 25 years. Secret to a Passionate Marriage
Willing to read a book or two? In the season of waiting, don't waste it. You can sharpen your character and faith to such a degree that when you do get married, your wife will be tremendously blessed by who you've allowed God to make you.
What He Must be to Marry My Daughter - Voddie Baucham - Excellent book that helps a man understand how a man of God wants his daughter treated.
The Exemplary Husband - Stuart Scott - This book will hammer into you the character traits we need to be husbands which God has called us to be.
Steps to Freedom in Christ - Neil Anderson - This is free and something you can do right now. Marriage can reveal hidden character issues that need work. Why not get radically right with God now rather than later when the stakes seem higher?
This may seem really silly, but I've been through this situation myself-- and from the "angry husband" perspective (me), I know that a loving wife can make a huge difference in a home, and can help bring things around. My wife swears by the following book, please don't judge it by its name-- it really is a great Christian book.
http://www.amazon.com/Created-Be-His-Help-Meet/dp/1892112604
It's for those married for a while, but learning early can't hurt: passionate marriage.
How about Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One by Terry Crews
I think that is a good decision. If you have time, possibly read Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken". You have probably read this before or come across someone talking about it. It is a good illustration about choice. The poem is somewhat ambiguous for the most part and seems to leave the reader up to their own interpretation. But Frost's intention is that after carefully reading it and re-reading you will realize that choice is choice. That sometimes one choice is not necessarily demonstrably better than another, despite how they may seem. That poem has very special meaning to me for a few reasons. First, my original inclination was that he meant the road less taken was obviously the better road. Spoiler, not the case. Second, because his more cleverly plaid out poem illustrates that sometimes it is not the choice that is important, but the journey. That whichever choice you make, you are still on a journey and consistently concentrating on regret is not a great recipe for success. (for reference: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/)
Now, on to tips for what you may do. Your dilemma seems very similar to that of introvert/extrovert relationships. In the sense that you don't need as much interaction as your partner does. I would suggest looking up tips relating to this phenomenom for introvert-extrovert pairings. Here is a link to get your started on ideas:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/05/15-ways-to-blossom-if-youre-in-an-introvert-extrovert-relationship/
Also, learning someone's love language and how to speak in it can make a massive improvement. It can help you maximize your time and interactions with those you love by learning to communicate effectively with them. Here is a link to learn more about that (caution the site has a bit of shameless self promotion, but it is very highly respected):
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Learning about how to recognize, set, communicate and respect boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are important, they help us define how we interact with ourselves, loved ones, and the world in general. Understanding our boundaries and properly communicating them to those around us can help reduce anxiety, social miscues, pointless arguments, etc. I particularly enjoyed the books by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is often written as more of a story / learning experience and uses many practical examples to illustrate the points being made.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Relationships-Knowing-Protecting-Enjoying/dp/155874259X
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995
Hopefully these suggestions can help get you started. I would also discuss these with your counselor and get his opinion/suggestions. See what he makes of all of this. Understand also that part of a therapist/counselor's job is to listen and get to know you. They need to establish a baseline, to learn to decipher what you are saying and not saying, to get a sense of your interaction with others, etc. So a lot of sessions are typically spent coaxing you to talk and open up more so they can become more informed about you specifically. After all, we are often very complex and yet simple at the same time. There is general advice that can typically be given, but you don't really need an expert for that. What you need is someone who can see and understand the complexity, and not just the first or second layers. And this individual has to do this in minimal time as you may only get a few visits from your insurance. But they are there to help you and they do want to see your best interests met, that is their job. So don't be shy to give them specific scenarios and occassionally ask for a specific opinion. They are more apt to give you specific advice more quickly for individual events or cases.
I highly recommend getting a copy of Douglas Wilson's Reforming Marriage. It will be tremendously helpful :)
> You disbelieve that monogamy created the social stability that was conducive to economic growth?
No, I don't. Agriculture and advanced weapons systems in warfare was far more important than fucking one woman for the rest of your life.
>Wow. Read just about any book on the subject; ie: http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Civilization-Monogamy-Made-Human/dp/1621572013 .
I find arguments that rely on claims about how people lived in prehistoric times singularly unpersuasive. The simple fact is that we have no data about the details of family life nor sexual mores in prehistoric times, and any claims about such are pure speculation.
>Any gains from polygamy are eroded by the conflicts they create.
Yeah, because monogamy has been conflict free historically. I think you are mistaking marriage(which was historically more about property exchange and not raising children, e.g. married fathers where once not-required to support bastard children) with monogamy. There is simply no proof that the one woman/one man dynamic has ever advanced civilization. Monogamy may have never been the cause of civilization , but rather more likely that the success of dominant cultures, which have monogamous values, causes more monogamy within that culture's civilization and the same thing can be said of polygamous cultures.
http://www.amazon.com/End-Men-Rise-Women/dp/B00D9TA4VY
http://www.amazon.com/Are-Men-Necessary-Sexes-Collide/dp/B0057DCG48
These are a few examples. I haven't read them so I don't know what they mean exactly.
Your husband sounds like he may have Aspergers. Its fairly common among tech folks.
Maybe something like this would help?
http://www.amazon.com/The-Other-Half-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1931282048/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1344610840&sr=8-12&keywords=Aspergers
The problem is, aspergers sufferers can be incredibly blind to social cues and other actions. Hoping they will pick up on your vibes, or 'guess what you are thinking" will NOT work. You need to be explicit and direct about your needs and wants.
I would suggest doing some reading on Aspergers and see if it sounds like your husband.
This is basically legalized natural selection. The better, more desirable men will end up with a larger number of wives. The whole reason this doesn't work is because other men will become jealous and band together to eliminate the competition.
Edit: Already in the negatives. You can keep down-voting me, but this is basic evolutionary biology. It's not uncommon for monogamy to be used as an explanation for the foundation of civilization. Problem?
Edit 2: People are having difficulty accepting a scientific view that goes against their ingrained beliefs, most likely because you're all the product of a monogomous Western civilization, that preaches monogomy and actively outlaws polygomy even though its completely natural process in human evolutionary biology:
Edit 3: /u/Bounds asked:
> Shot in the dark here: you're not married?
How is this relevant? It's not. But to placate and further discourage questions that are obviously posed with provocative intent (I guess he was offended, or perhaps just not very clever) I'll placate you: I'm not married, and I don't intend on getting married for quite some time. I don't advocate polygomy or monogomy and it's not a subject I have any particular interest in. Shot in the dark here, can you concisely explain how my being married or not being married would have any effect on the basis of my answer?
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