First World Problems

Disclaimer: Before you read this, it’s important you know we’re not a bunch of old boomer farts who thinks anyone under the age of 50 ‘lacks gumption’. We don’t want you getting the wrong end of the stick. Why can’t you go to work today? Let us guess: you’re tired from oversleeping too much, or your online order didn’t fit and you’re upset about it? Typical millennial. People were made of stronger stuff in the past. It makes sense – without being brave, how did they survive being able to afford a three bedroom house and raising a family on an entry-level salary without going to university?! They didn’t have avocado toast, only Spam sandwiches. You couldn’t get plant-based nuggets from the supermarket, you were stuck with rearing your own cow by hand and forcing your 8 children and stay-at-home wife to slaughter it. If you wanted a high-flying job, you could just write a simple letter to any ceo and ask if you could have his job. Miserable because your husband doesn’t let you leave the house and you’re just stuck there endlessly cleaning in your completely unnecessary high heels? Knock back some amphetamines and get on with it! Those were the days. You spoilt millennials don’t know you were born. You think the whole world revolves around you – you’ve even got a super fun card game all about your alleged ‘plight’! Where’s the equivalent card game for the baby boomers? Exactly. There are over 500 cards in this damn thing and that’s still not good enough for you. It only takes 2 minutes to learn but we bet you won’t even bother, because your social-media-addled brain is ‘above’ reading the instructions. Pathetic. You probably can’t even find 4+ people to play with you – we elders have loads of friends because we would be socially ostracised if we dared leave the tiny conservative village in the middle of nowhere we had the misfortune of being born into. Wait, where are you going? Oh, that’s so typical of someone your age. Can’t handle the slightest bit of criticism. What a snowflake. Go on, slink on back to your Instamagram and Tweetbook. Bloody young’uns.