There's a book on this exact topic including input from those with BPD issues. Stories of kink and condition breathing the same air and partially from the view of partners which is also invaluable. Broken Toys by Raven Kaldera. And Mastering Mind is companion for the dominant side especially good if your Switching at times as well. Kindles available. Part of a series of 4 with one each for physically disabled dominants and subs too (Hell on Wheels and Kneeling in Spirit).

https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Toys-Submissives-Neurological-Dysfunction-ebook/dp/B013PQCP08/ref=pd_sim_351_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=EBCTDAEW69HZ1SS2BN00

https://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Mind-Dominants-Neurological-Dysfunction-ebook/dp/B00PG5DZCY

Yeah, this became quite the wall of text, it's ok to not attempt it in all one sitting, you won't hurt my feelings.

Advice:

Learning your body: start by getting a hand mirror and prop yourself up on a couple of pillows, bend and spread your knees (have you ever had a gyno exam? There's a reason women are placed in that position and it's not for their comfort, it's to help the doc examine things). Here's an ok diagram of the external anatomy, and an actual picture from the Wikipedia article for "Vulva." You'll see the external or outer labia (labia majora) with a cleft between them and probably some degree of the inner labia sticking out between the cleft. However much inner labia you have sticking out is completely fine and healthy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Spread the plumper outer labia and the inner labia (labia minora) will be there. Typically they'll be closed together, these are what you wipe between after you pee because the inner labia can hold on to the final bits of urine. And of course, you wipe front to back to avoid bringing bacteria from your anal area to your vagina or urethra. Now pulling an Inception, we're going to go another layer deeper: spread your inner labia. Try using one hand and an upside down "Spock sign" motion to spread the inner labia if you're down to one hand because you're holding the mirror in the other. Here's an example from GoneWild NSFW. I probably could've found a better picture, but I knew there'd be an example there. At the top where your two inner labia meet, is where your clitoris is. Depending on your arousal level at the time, it may be retracted under your clitoral hood. It swells and will stick out more when aroused. Some clits are smaller, some clits are larger, no matter how big or small it is, it's fine and healthy, just like your labia; and again, don't let anybody tell you something's wrong with you because your clit is bigger or smaller than some subjective measure that doesn't actually mean anything. Trace your eyes down and your urethra will be there somewhere, but you can easily miss it. If you come to a larger opening and then the texture of the skin becomes more "skin like", that's fine. The urethral opening can be really hard to find, but that's where you pee from. The larger hole is your vagina (also called the birth canal), with your labia spread, it should probably be open to a slight degree. This is where you insert things like fingers, tampons, penises, sex toys. This is also where the baby comes out of during a vaginal birth. Around the opening is where you may have a hymen to some degree (go to the youtube channel for Laci Greene and look for her hymen video for a much better explanation than I can give right now). Then down past that you get to your anus/asshole, and that's where you poop out of. You can also get sexual pleasure from there too, but let's save that for another day, shall we? So that's the quick and dirty of external female anatomy. Questions, comments, concerns?

Your urges and desires are natural, almost everyone has them to some degree. Try not to panic too much or feel too bad about them, but some days will be easier than others and some tasks/topics/etc will be harder to get through than others. But try to not beat yourself up too much about them, ok?

You've just discovered a way to make yourself feel ridiculously good, try not to get too fixated on it. You don't need to try all the things right now.

There's not really a "wrong" way to explore your body, for the most part. If you're wanting to orgasm and you're trying to by rubbing the back of your hand, I can almost guarantee that you're not going to get there that way. But if it feels good, go for it. Don't worry about what position is "normal" to masturbate in, try on your belly, back, side; left hand or right; grind on your pillow or straddle the nose of a teddy bear. Try different things, but don't get too goal fixated besides learning different things that feel good.

Sex positive: Briefly, the philosphy

Books: If you had to only restrict yourself to one thing, I'd be partial to I Love Female Orgasm, but Betty Dodson would be a close second, but I don't have her book.

I Love Female Orgasm I really like this one, it covers a lot of things, especially for first timers.

Betty Dodson

Guide to Getting It On Very extensive, covers all different things of sex, not really what you're looking for now, but just for future reference too.


InterWebs:

Scarleteen And their article "Is Masturbation ok? (Yep.)" might specifically help you out

Laci Greene Has a lot of good info and good topics. Her energy and editing style is kind of grating to me, but I get through

Sexplanations Dr. Lindsey Doe teaches and is a clinical sexologist.

/r/Sex Faq's Lot of good general information, some of the "First Time" information would be good for you too, probably.

Charlie Glickman Awesome guy

Carol Queen's recommended reading

Podcasts:

Sex is Fun podcasts Very expansive and a lot of "deviant" sexual behaviors talked about, might be more than you're looking for, but also something that might be a good reference for later. But there is a lot of talk about female pleasure and masturbation.

Sex Nerd Sandra And if you still consider yourself religious, here's Sandra's interview with Rev Bev who's got a different take on some of the religious issues. Like citing that the sin of Onan wasn't masturbation but disobeying God by pulling out (Coitus interruptus, not masturbation).

Sex with Emily a lot of information about a wide range of topics, look through it, a lot of talks about female pleasure and sex toys.

This book is mostly about cunnilingus but the first part is all about kissing. Different kinds of kisses, how to escalate from the peck to full on making out, all of it. It is the absolute best kissing manual I have ever come across.

Anyone who's into guys and reading this, try the partner book Blow Him Away -- same first portion with kissing, but the main course focuses on fellatio instead of cunnilingus.

You're being passive aggressive. Your boyfriend can't read your mind, and expecting him to is selfish and immature. Love takes charity, and forgiveness. If you want something from him you just need to sit him down and tell him how you feel.

Though if you have a history of being passive aggressive, he might not feel safe enough to be honest with you. I highly suggest you curb your behavior.

Here's a really good book that I think will strengthen the way you approach relationships: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060520620/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_pS03Bb27EKRN3

Listen. I can't post this enough. If you are serious about developing your cunnilingus skills read she comes first and the low down on going down (especially the tongue exercises in the second).

If you're serious. DO IT!
edit: everything in this article is amazing by the way.

So as I'm reading this, it sounds to me like you are probably at a stage of life where marriage would definitely be okay (independent, maturely handling conflict, etc.). So there's a good book out there that helps directly answer this question: 101 Questions to ask before Getting Engaged.

Here's a copy-pasta of some similar questions to what's in the book. I would encourage you to read through these and critically think about each one to get a better assessment. If you're struggling to answer these questions, it might show you where some additional work may be needed:

• https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/questions-to-ask-when-preparing-for-marriage
  
• https://www.ibelieve.com/blogs/renee-fisher/34-christian-premarital-questions.html
  
• https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/preparing-for-marriage/red-flags-in-a-relationship/ask-the-tough-questions-about-your-relationship
  
• https://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/advice/lovesexdating/10-questions-to-ask-before-getting-serious.html
  
  I think if you took maybe an hour going through these, you would have a really, really good assessment of where you stand in terms of marriage. (Also, I'd note - you don't have to have an answer to every single question...it just gives you an idea of where more growth may be needed).

Hey, thanks for being open about this. I’ve been in your shoes to some extent and understand the struggles.

The first thing I want to say is that, as others have pointed out here, you don’t have to be sexual if you don’t want to; our culture (the media we consume, the jokes we tell, the way our education system is structured, etc.) assumes that male-bodied and male-identified people must be aggressively sexual (this is an aspect of toxic masculinity).

That being said, it sounds like having sex and being sexual is something you’re interested in. And that’s great!

First, having a good therapist is extremely helpful. Sadly, thanks to our political-economic system, therapy has become a luxury that many of us can’t afford. You said in your post that you have a therapist, and that’s fantastic that you have that resource. I found that having a therapist with a background in sex therapy and sex education was particularly helpful; if your therapist doesn’t have that background, and you can afford it, I’d recommend reaching out to the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health – they have excellent therapists and frequently do therapy via online video chat, and have a sliding scale. Another option would be a somatic therapist, such as Elizabeth McGrath in Los Angeles (I’ve met and taken classes with her, and I’d recommend her if this is something you might be interested in); they use body-centred techniques to help their clients heal from trauma and get back in touch with and learn about their own bodies.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, is education. Speaking for myself, learning about my own body and how others’ bodies work and how sex works has been the most important part of my journey, to the point that I’m planning on becoming a sex educator myself. We tend to treat sex as some arcane, secret thing that nobody is supposed to understand, and people who do are treated with suspicion, like witches, because they are delving into Things That Man Was Not Meant To Know. This is bullshit; as a friend of mine puts it, “Sex Isn’t Special (But Culture Makes It So).”

There are a number of ways to get the education you need but wasn’t given to you by our puritanical, patriarchal school system. One way is by taking classes – if you live near Boston or San Francisco, go to your local Good Vibrations store and get a list of the classes they’re running; if you don’t live near a Good Vibes, check out local feminist sex stores or sex-positive organisations like the CSPH I mentioned above, they usually have classes and workshops running for various kinds. For example, at the Good Vibrations in Boston I attended workshops on:

• Casual sex

• “How to Drive a Vulva”

• Blow jobs

• Pegging

• How to pick a good lubricant

• Having sex after cancer

• Intimacy for survivors of abuse

• Polyamory 101

And many more. The biggest thing that these events did for me is that they demystified sex and gave me a language for talking about it with partners. It helped me learn what I didn’t know and gave me a thirst for learning more.

There are also a large number of educators on YouTube that do sex education videos. The biggest is Dr. Lindey Doe’s Sexplanations channel, but there are many others; because I’m a queer trans person and almost all my partners are trans as well, I follow a number of queer people who do videos for queer and trans persons, including Stevie Boebi, UppercaseChase, and Ash Hardell.

The other big thing that can help is good books on the subject. There are two that I would say you absolutely should pick up as hands-down the best books for learning about bodies and sex. First, [The Guide to Getting it On, by Paul Joannides](https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535171/), and second [Sex is Fun!, by Kidder Kaper](https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Fun-Creative-Ideas-Exciting-ebook/dp/B00WDP7ZAI/). They both cover everything you could want or need to know, have resources for learning more, and they have lots of great illustrations. Another fantastic resource (which I’ve used on several first dates, including with my current primary partner) is [100 Questions About Sex](https://www.amazon.com/100-Questions-about-SEX-Conversation/dp/1452117373/), which can be great for talking with a partner about each other’s desires or for thinking over for yourself.

I hope you find this helpful!

For context, I’m non-binary (assigned male at birth and generally masculine of centre in presentation), pansexual, and I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 12. I was raised in a very conservative home and grew up with a highly distorted understanding of sexuality and was involved in some really bad relationships growing up, and I didn’t have sexual intercourse until I was 27. Since then I’ve had romantic and sexual relationships of many kinds with many different people, and it’s been a wonderful journey in learning about myself, my desires, and how to relate to others in a healthy, upbuilding way.

Read/Listen to this:

http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/B00C93Q5KK

Short answer, playful conversation, heavy eye contact, and some less risky touching if possible.

Providing desirable emotions to her is the name of the game, so sharpen your non-serious communication skills.

OYS #50

Been at this over a year.

37 yo, 6’0, 162lbs, 9.5% BF, married 4, together 7, kids 3 & 13

Gym:

4x this week, again. I invited my 13yo son to go with me and he jumped at the opportunity. That’s a big change of pace, and I’m enjoying time in there with him. I helped him learn to benchpress (the bar) and he started to get defeated. We kept at it and he was doing 5 reps at the end after learning to balance the bar. It’s was awesome.

Work:

I have a 2nd interview with one of the big 5 tech companies this Friday. I got a lot of solid advice on salary/worth last week in my OYS, so thanks everyone. I also have two more interviews this week at smaller companies and I expect the salary expectations will be much lower. Both VP level positions, and one of them is with a main competitor to my previous company that I’ve run into over the years and hired or lost people to/from that company. They’re aggressively pursuing me – I didn’t apply and they reached out to me on Linkedin.

I’ve been pounding the pavement sending out 10-15 applications a day, all VP level or above, all remote. If I’m unable to get an offer in the next 30 days, I plan on changing my search to more local companies rather than a global role.

I also hooked up with a fraternity brother of mine that’s local, and met for lunch. He owns two recruiting companies that have been named the best place to work. One of his companies is Executive recruiting only. He is putting together a campaign for me to target VC’s looking for talent. Additionally, he got me in touch with the boss of the person I’m interviewing with Friday, and she was really impressed. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before.

Reading:

Not too much this week, but I did some writing which helps me put sidebar material to work. I took notes again on Models by Mark Manson.

Social:

This seems to be turning the corner. I got 3 invites this weekend but unfortunately already had plans with the family that I didn’t want to break.

Also, /u/RedRanger207 has shitty OPSEC and his wife contacted me. She told me I could (and I quote): “Take your horns of apathy and shove them up your ass”. Feisty and cool as shit. I kind of like her.

Relationship / Mental:

Despite me being unemployed, I would say this week was mentally pretty good. I sometimes slip into the fear of the unknown with the employment scenario, start questioning my value to my family and fear I won’t be able to provide. I think that’s pretty natural given my circumstance so I will just soldier on.

I finally fucked up for once in a long time. The combination of job searching, not getting great hits, and the extra responsibilities I picked up around the house really got to me one day. I was feeling like I couldn’t go out and get shit done like I needed to – specifically having time to find a new job. Last week was my first full week at home, this was the second, and despite my best efforts to “spend more time with my family” I found them a hindrance. It was all my fault though. I fucked up by telling my wife I needed to leave for a few days, and that my place was not with the family right now while I figure out how to best position us for long term happiness. This slight victim puke upset my wife to tears because she was worried about me and would miss me. It was a weak fucking move, the first one in probably 6 months, and I regretted it the next morning.

So what to do? I went to my wife the next day and told her I had made a mistake for trying to run away - and that's not what a good captain does. He weathers the storm. I would find a way to get time to make it work. I was sorry that I said that, and it was weak. It would not happen again. Everything returned to normal.

I’ve also been teaching my wife to game me, and she’s chose to pursue living entirely in her feminine to do so. That makes me very happy. Actions? She has asked me for audiobook recommendations, and I gave her Fascinating Womanhood. Each night I watch her retreat to the bath for an hour to listen. I can already see her actions making a difference in the relationship. Monday night she was vocal, sexy, and begged me to let her cum. It was a huge fucking turn-on. There was so much immersion because we were both into it. So much so, that she came multiple times in just a few minutes which is extremely rare. Wife is also back to holding my cock in bed every single night, and initiating every single night. It’s been really good and I have no complaints about the progress that is being made here now after last week’s revelation that I needed to lead here more.

I am planning on taking the kids for a few days next week while my wife goes off on a retreat by herself ‘reconnecting with her feminine’ at a cabin alone in the woods. I am excited about that – both for the kids and my wife.

Mentally this is a time where I really need to be strong and keep moving forward. It would be easy to take a few more weeks off, but that’s complacency and it’s one of my biggest fears. That’s how I got here in the first place, and I will not do it again. Ever.

Strength, motherfuckers.

It's synesthesia. I have it too. Colors/associations (and taste, touch) etc etc apply to everything for me so of course with sexual things as well.

My favorite thing is that I get real vivid imagery per sexual position. Like one's a big building full of empty rooms. Ones a trainyard at dusk. Another, barrels floating down a river. I have no idea why--it's very mysterious. 😂

As for orgasm, here's a good book if you're looking for some help:

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763

Clitoris is your best friend.

Edit: Another thing to keep in mind for orgasms are things like anti-depressant medications (or anything imcreasing serotonin). It can make it super difficult sometimes.

I think this show is one of the very few to accurately portray closed-door interactions between people in the real world. The opener to Ep. 4 (First Date) was a perfect example of this. Knowing Dev's character so well at this point, it's pretty incredible how quick people are to judge, and to discard what could've been promising relationship-wise. That's how fickle the dating world is now, and I'd disagree that Dev lacks commitment (to a point). If anything, that's what he's been searching for from the beginning. I see him as a guy who wants to commit, but just can't ever find the right person/relationship. As artificial as the process can be (Tinder, whatever), he wants something organic and does try to put himself out there. It's a funny, heartbreaking thing to watch...because if finding love is the ultimate goal, it shouldn't have to be this hard. For a lot of people (including myself), Dev's predicament at 30+ is a reality.

This show has become a spirit animal of sorts, and I feel a lot of the episodes in this season were a direct teleplay of Modern Romance.

Here you go.

Get a lawyer. Under no circumstances should you leave your house or take your children anywhere without some kind of separation agreement in place.

That being said, you're better off investing the time and money in marriage counseling and individual therapy for both of you. It is a rare marriage where only one spouse contributes to the downfall.

It will be much cheaper emotionally and financially to give counseling a real effort.

At least that way, if things can't be repaired there, then you can initiate divorce with a little clearer conscious.

You also might want to check out a book called Love and Respect and see if you can identify your marriage in the first couple of chapters.

As far as putting benefits in a trust, that's not going to work. In most states, your wife is entitled to 50% of the net marital assets. You can also still be ordered to pay for healthcare, school, child support, etc. over and above the 50% division of property. Once the property has been settled and divided, you are free to put the remainder in a trust for your kids if you so choose. A family and estate lawyer can better guide you on those issues.

You sound as though you're ready to start exploring a sexual relationship with someone you like. You sound like you're scared that things that happened in the past will get in the way. Let me be real about this, they might. But, there are things that you can do.

First off, communicate, communicate, communicate. If you're having sex with someone, you are baring all to them, it follows that there should be nothing you can't say to this person. If you say "I don't like that", they should stop and ask you why, or ask what else they should try, or ask if you want to keep going, they should care about assessing your needs, desires, and trying to make you happy- physically and emotionally, in terms of safety and consent. If you say "I was raped, and I want to talk about it." they should follow your lead and be kind, understanding, and tender with your feelings. They should be 100% supportive and focus on helping you to feel safe.

After I was attacked, I had a lot of bad sex. I wasn't comfortable stating my own needs, or even just saying "stop" for a long time. I didn't really make the connection that sex stressed me out sometimes, or that I would ignore my needs and just "get on with it" like "taking one for the team". This is a bad idea. Pressing yourself to do things that you do not want to do can lead to difficult emotions, anxiety, or panic attacks. It's good to pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you, to periodically check in with yourself. Ask yourself 'Am I feeling spacey? (dissociating?)' 'Am I panicking?' 'What do I want to happen right now?' When difficult emotions come up, please speak to your therapist about them.

I would actually recommend studying safety practices used in BDSM. It helped me to "come back" to myself a bit in terms of sexual identity, and sometimes my partner and I still use it during even more "vanilla" sex sessions. I think that the stoplight system really helps, especially starting out, because depending on how you're feeling, it can help provide a firm sense of safety and make boundaries explicit. It's also simple to remember, which helps if you are dealing with high anxiety. Basically, you say "green light" or "go" or whatever word you and your partner choose when everything is good. When you're feeling good and you want to say "yes", that's a green light. "Yellow light" means "We need to slow down and talk a bit right now, there is something that needs addressing and if it isn't fixed, we are going to stop." I use this if I'm in pain, if there is something that brought up a bad memory, or if my emotions shift dramatically or bottom out unexpectedly (which, for me, can be a signal that I'm about to have a panic attack). "Red light" or just "stop" or whatever safeword you want to use and discuss with your partner beforehand signals "we need to stop right now". It's probably best to discuss what you want your partner to do when you use your red light. Do you want them to back away from you, and avoid touching you? Do you want them to hug you? It's also okay to ask them if they'll hold you, but I would recommend discussing it beforehand. Basically, by talking more before you act, you are mitigating the amount of surprises both of you need to deal with.

Keep in mind that it's not bad to use a "red light". It's not bad to use a "yellow light". It just means that there's a hurdle in your path, and that you're trying to clear it. It is actually really good to use them, because it means that you're accurately assessing your needs and setting your boundaries in a healthy, safe way. Some sessions I have used like 5 yellow lights, but we finally got there. Some sessions it's like... red light right away, because I realized I was in way over my head immediately.

Re: birth control, there are a lot of options. Personally I use condoms, just make sure you don't have a latex allergy (they make latex-free condoms). If you use condoms, educate yourself on how to use them correctly, and do not use a compromised condom. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-to-put-a-condom-on If you're wanting to go the hormonal or IUD route (it sounds like you're not), talk to your doctor about it, and consider talking to your therapist.

Also, this wasn't an issue for me before the attack, but afterwards I dealt with vaginismus. It can kind of sneak up on you if you're not expecting it. https://www.reddit.com/r/vaginismus/ I'm not saying it will happen to you or it's even likely, I just want you to be prepared for that eventuality, just in case.

Lastly, I know you're worried about "being good". But sex is an experience that you choose to share with another person. It's like dancing or having a conversation, it's not about "being the best at conversation". I know it can be really scary to talk about it... just like asking someone out can be scary. But the thing is, if that person isn't willing to meet you in the middle and be a giving, understanding partner, then they probably aren't going to help you have a good experience. It's okay to go after what you want. And, it's okay to expect people to meet your standards when it comes to relationships and sex. But, it's important to talk about all of these things with your partner or potential partner. Make sure you are on the same page with them, and that you both understand each other.

I'd also recommend cross posting this to https://www.reddit.com/r/traumatoolbox/ It's a bit quiet there, but the people are often well meaning and have tips that are helpful for dealing with aspects of recovery that commonly occur.

Best of luck. Please feel free to PM me if you have questions.

Edited to add: If you want to bone up on knowledge (sorry about the pun), I'd recommend this book. It's helped me a lot. https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535171/

My advice?

• Lift heavy weights, regularly.
  
• Upgrade your wardrobe.
  
• Learn to cook, tasty and healthy.
  
• Get a good job
  
• Strengthen your friendships and social circle
  
  (Suggested purchases: Whey, Creatine, and a blender bottle)
  
  
• http://stronglifts.com/5x5/
  
• http://ketorecipes.reddit.com
  
• http://sexystyleforjoe.com/ultimate-mans-guide-attractive/
  
• http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00C93Q5KK?pc_redir=1406923753&robot_redir=1

I'm a 37M disabled Dom in the lifestyle. Thesr books have helped me a great deal in dealing with submissives who are physically or mentally disabled. I've also gotten just as much out of his companion book for Dom's who are disabled because I suffer from depression and PTSD myself.

Broken Toys: Submissives With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B013PQCP08/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_b013pqcp08

Mastering Mind: Dominants With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction
https://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Mind-Dominants-Neurological-Dysfunction-ebook/dp/B00PG5DZCY/ref=pd_aw_sim_351_1/133-0226460-5633645?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00PG5DZCY&pd_rd_r=7c9831e0-bdcf-45c5-9df5-04712811e4bd&pd_rd_w=Gq9NV&pd_rd_wg=Y1mqF&pf_rd_p=6329818b-951a-4e75-9070-7e13e9f9f308&pf_rd_r=9FH7QG8CR48VNNMAJZMZ&psc=1&refRID=9FH7QG8CR48VNNMAJZMZl

Now take care and be in touch.

I agree with you 100%. I should elaborate on what I meant by saying that I try to not kink shame.

Things like diapers, blood play, watersports, CBT, fisting etc are things that I don't personally understand, but I try to not say "wtf ew gross??" when I encounter it. I try to not judge people who engage in proper SSC just because I personally don't understand it.

But things like forced breeding and actual, literal, slavery deserves a SOLID dose of kink shaming.

I recently read a thread here on reddit about paedophilia (I think it was on /r/ChangeMyView) and an actual pedo said that he uses age play to get release. Edit: here's the thread. "I feel sympathetic towards virtuous pedofiles". Obvious trigger warning. The comment I described is the top comment. Barf.

I have previously been open about age play because I'm a bit bratty and semi DDLG and I personally enjoy the age regress and being playful (it's a bit therapeutic, but I struggle with anxiety and depression and I know a lot of other "littles" do as well, even though I'm 35 years old), so I can understand age play on some level, but that comment made me full stop rethink it all.

I have a lot of issues trying to reconcile my kinks with my very firm radfem beliefs, I think I have a long way to go, I think a lot of the things I enjoy come from a dark place. Just so that's clear (because I know people are going to jump down my throat as soon as I mentioned DDLG).

I'm very open to have a discussion about this, anyone is free to PM me, or maybe we should start a thread. I know BDSM and radfem do not go together. My kinks were formed at a very early age (about the age of 9), and I have mental health issues and was physically abused as a child, so I KNOW that a lot of them (maybe all of them) come from an unhealthy place. A lot of the people in the scene have mental history and a history of self harm. I only know the submissive mindset so I don't know how doms think. But the person I described clearly has some huge fucking issues.

So yes I agree with you that kink shaming needs to make a return. It used to be about the things that I described, but now it's turned into not being able to criticise or question anything.

Regarding mental illnesses and submissive roles, I came across this book

"Broken Toys: Submissives With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction" I really want to read it, I think it will do me a lot of good, but I currently can't afford to splurge on books, but hopefully soon.

Just plugging it because I think it will be an interesting read for anyone who are radfem.


>How soon before paedophilia mustn't be 'kink-shamed' on the grounds that some children are shown to enjoy it?

I know people who use this rhetoric. I only know of one person (one person too many) in my local BDSM community who actually believes this, but he's not active in the BDSM club but he goes to fetish parties. He says that paedophiles are persecuted, that people who oppose it are ageists etc. He also says that videos and pictures of sexual abuse of children should be shared to uncover abuse. If it's not shared, then no one knows... But that's a whole different discussion.

I agree with you. We need to kink shame things that are CLEARLY abusive, like the situation I described. If a woman engages in certain BDSM activities because she's self destructive we should speak up and shut down on the "You're kink shaming!" bullshit. People who are self destructive engage in a lot of harmful behaviour, like drug abuse. We wouldn't condone of a women choosing to use heroin, we would try to help her.

I was absolutely nauseous during my conversation with him about this. We have also talked about pornography and his stance on that is also "but she chose it!".

It's very clear to me that a lot of men excuse their abusive and misogynistic behaviour with BDSM.

Oh man, that must've been such a let down with the dick pics. Nowadays, I love stuff like that and wouldn't be able to stop thinking about him all day at work waiting for 9pm when the kids are in bed! A few years ago I would not have reacted that way.

It sounds like a lot of emotional connection outside of the bedroom. She could simply not value sex the way you do. A lot of people don't prioritize it.

Have you talked to her about your need to feel wanted? This is a great book I read about 9 months ago that really opened my eyes - For Women Only.

THIS: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1849058830/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I've started reading it. It's only 140 pages, easy and quick to read--important because Husband has been working 60 hour weeks for months.

But, as I commented, there are things in it that I never recognized as being other than "just me." I used to joke that I missed out on a lot of the auxiliary female genes.

I think I have you covered here. I came from a strongly religious background of my own choosing (I rebelled TO Christianity) so I was pretty inexperienced at 27 when I met my now husband. Here's what we did:

I got SUPER vulnerable with him and asked him to actually tell me how to give a hand job. We took maybe a half hour where he showed me how to hold it, how to move, how much pressure, what kind of lube, literally all the details about how he liked it.

Then we did the same for how to give a blow job.

He absolutely loved it. He had about 4 partners before me and they just kind of mutually fumbled around and tried to rely on "oohs" and "aahs" to show that they liked something. He was SO turned on by my vulnerability, frankness, and willingness to learn.

Also - purchase and read The Guide To Getting It On. It covers everything you need to know in a very entertaining but matter of fact way. It's a quality enough book that college courses sometimes use it as a textbook.

The talk about using these services for trolling/catfishing reminded me of this vicious yet funny story from another favorite podcast of mine:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88sRCUcNR7A

Online dating is extremely interesting. I am monogamous and happily married, so I don't have any experience with it, but I do have several friends who have met significant others through various dating services.

An interesting book on the topic of modern dating is the book Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari (yes, the comedian from Parks and Recs).

We are having my cousin read A Lovely Love Story by Edward Monkton. It's super cute!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0740763083/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_MadsNQTIcpK7X


The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice.
Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.
Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.
I like this Dinosaur thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.
He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.
I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur.
She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.
She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.
But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
He is also overly fond of things.
Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?
But her mind skips from here to there so quickly thought the Dinosaur.
She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.
Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?
I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.
I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur.
For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides,
I am not unkeen on shopping either.
Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.
Look at them.
Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.
And that, my friends, is how it is with love.
Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.
For the sun is warm.
And the world is a beautiful place.

Hi there, I'm a girl who lurks.

The men here will, no doubt correctly, advise you about not discussing RP with your wife and not announcing your intentions (both via the mantra 'acta non verba' and because it seems there is consensus that it generally doesn't help for her to know what you're doing--and especially not in the terms used in the books tailored for a male audience and which can be used against you).

I just thought I would chime in with a RP-compatible book that contains none of that, in case it might help: http://www.amazon.com/Surrendered-Wife-Practical-Finding-Intimacy/dp/0743204441

I think there might be some books out there by women orbiting the manosphere, but I don't know any. The Surrendered Wife is a good book to read, and she also has The Surrendered Single.

I married at 18 and have been married for 10 years.

Your husband sounds beaten down and depressed. Besides the obvious good diet, plenty of sleep, sunshine, etc be mindful that he is going through a lot. It's really hard living with a person like this and it's really hard being this person. Just keep trying to show that you love him and support him.

Femininity attracts masculinity. Submission attracts dominance. The best way to help him become this person is to make space for him to become this person and make him want to be this person.

> I know part of the problem is that he feels emasculated and unappreciated at his job.

Make sure he feels masculine and appreciated at home. Thank him a lot. Not just verbally. Show your gratitude for all that he does for you.

I suggest reading the MMSL Primer and The Surrendered Wife

For Couples Only: Eyeopening Insights about How the Opposite Sex Thinks https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601422482/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_EKaRCb6MB2VQS

For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590525728/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_cLaRCbGR5S6BY


For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601424442/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.OaRCbY9XF1HD


The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0013A0B4Q/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_QPaRCbFGGBDA7

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061142840/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5PaRCb9TSAB0K

I was diagnosed at 23, I felt more relief than anger. I could stop being so hard on myself for failing where my peers seemed to succeed with ease. I could, with the help of professionals, find new ways to tackle anxiety that actually worked, and new ways to deal with situations that worked for me rather than against me.

It helps if both you and your partner can have some humour with your behaviour (when you behave childishly, or 'throw a tantrum'). It also helps if you can pick up on the signs leading up to, or causes and situations that may trigger you, so you can anticipate and accommodate for them.

My partner found books like this helped him get some perspective.

22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know https://www.amazon.com/dp/1849058830/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_7X.KDbB788W1J

22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome https://www.amazon.com/dp/1849058032/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_-Y.KDb1E3SXX8

I've read the first one and thought it gave a nice overview. I haven't read the second one but it is the one that is for if the male is autistic rather than the female.

You'll find it hard to explain what it means to be on the spectrum unless you explain you're on, or suspect you're on, the spectrum. Having her understand that will provide a solid foundation for further discussion. It doesn't have to be earth-shattering: 'You know how some people by way of their genetic make-up are colour-blind - well some people are empathy blind...' is how one can begin a conversation.

These are quick, simple reads:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Woman-Aspergers-Syndrome-Partner/dp/1849058830/

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Woman-Must-Know-Aspergers/dp/1849058032/

This blogger writes eloquently. Advice applies to all relationships:

http://musingsofanaspie.com/aspergers-and-marriage/

The Guide to Getting It On
or an older edition if you want to save some money (this is the edition I have FWIW)

Hands down, the best book on sex I have ever read. It's detailed enough that you can pick up some good techniques to try out and it's broad enough to cover just about any topic you might be interested in.

Podcasts are also a great resource. I recommend Sex Out Loud with Tristan Taramino (who also produces sex-ed videos) and Sex Nerd Sandra (she doesn't have new episodes much anymore, but there's about 5 years worth of content to explore there). Also, Dan Savage is still a big name in sex and advice podcasts, but he's not for everyone (he has a tendency toward political rants). All three of these podcasts have really helped me come out of my sheltered Christian upbringing and learn to love sex.

I'm 46 now and married, but I was single for a while in my late 30's. I'd say the only real difference in dating nowadays is the more or less ability to be constantly connected. I'm mostly talking about texting. I had teenage kids, so was very well acquainted with it when I started dating again, but I can see that that might not be the case for you.

In my experience, sex is pretty much still the same, though with possibly less hair. However, it does sound like you're a bit sexually inexperienced/sheltered. I suggest you might want to read She Comes First. If you feel that isn't enough, you can also go with The Guide To Getting It On.

Sometimes what you want is not what you need. Try reading Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham, if you haven't already. She describes "conquer me feelings" as "the submissive's internal demand for a show of strength." I felt validated by this book, as I like him to be nice to me, yet really need to see those moments of strength/domination come from him.

https://www.amazon.ca/Low-Down-Going-Give-Mind-Blowing/dp/0767916573

Also a great book to read. I've had many rave reviews about the things I learned from this.

Although no longer a Christian, two books that my gf (now my wife) and I read together that were incredibly helpful were For Men Only and For Women Only. The authors are Christians and were incredibly helpful for helping my wife and I learn to communicate well together.

this is a great amateur channel on pornhub. https://www.pornhub.com/model/bedgasm

as far as what makes good sex good- communicate with your partner. "does that feel good?" "can i do X?" etc etc. listen to and watch their reactions. you'll know if its good or not in the moment.

READ ABOUT SEX. from sex educators, not just erotica. i think thats what has helped me the most, just learn as much as you can about bodies, different things people like, different ways of having sex, emotions sex brings up, etc.

I read this book in college and it was FUCKING GREAT. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1885535171/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=lioness0e-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=1885535171&linkId=2e4da25680db9359de9c8ec4b17f02c2

There’s a great book you should read on dating advice for men (marketed as that but it’s not just applicable to men). It’s not some bullshit pick up artistry. It’s about becoming a more confident person who is in tune with their emotions and their partners’ / romantic interests’ emotions. All about building yourself up through honesty.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00C93Q5KK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ps3WDbD8GYQ9Z

I can't say too much as I'm still struggling with this myself but I recommend the book Broken toys by Raven Kaldera and Del Tashlin. They have some good advice and more than that, it helped me not feel so alone with these issues.

https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Toys-Submissives-Neurological-Dysfunction-ebook/dp/B013PQCP08/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=broken+toys&qid=1566233829&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Azis Ansari has evidence in his book Modern Romance that online dating is the most common way people meet spouses now.

Really good description of why it is problematic, although in that book Modern Romance, Ansari does make quite a few plausible arguments for OLD becoming more and more viable as society becomes stratified and populations more and more decentralized. OLD did work well for me in the past after developing a sort of rhythm with it (which took a year and a half); but that was when I dating in NYC with a plethora of opportunities.

I haven't actually read this book, but I read her very first book (well it was a self-published thing, Liberating Masturbation) and it was my first real education on the subject. Leading to a lifetime of good times I might add.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-One-The-Joy-Selfloving/dp/0517886073

Betty Dodson.

Toys are great! and just doing whatever feels good is really great too. I highly recommend toys, I adore vibrators and always have. I recommend the Good Vibrations website for basic info on toys and vibrators.

I think orgasms vary a lot. Also, in my case, they have transformed and changed and developed a lot over the course of my life. I have like five different kinds now. So I'm pretty sure there's no right way.

Also, if you are feeling like you need to pee, grab a towel and let yourself. You may be needing to ejaculate, and if you hold that back it can kind of stop things from working the way they want to. Just give yourself permission to pee, don't worry about it.

Buy her a book called Sex for one by Betty Dodson. It is the only book I can honestly say is a LIFE CHANGER. The woman is a self-confidence Goddess.

I have my copy but I've had to re-buy it so many times from loaning it out and not getting it back ;)

I have it on good authority that Sex For One by Betty Dodson is an excellent source: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-One-The-Joy-Selfloving/dp/0517886073/ref=pd_sim_b_1

101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

Went through this solo as a sort of devotional (it’s not designed for that, but still useful when single) and again with my now wife.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0736913947/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_8dYnDbKBW68S1

I Like You
http://www.vanessawhartoncelebrant.com.au/a-super-cute-reading-i-like-you-by-sandol-stoddard-warburg/

https://www.amazon.com/Like-You-Sandol-Stoddard-Warburg/dp/0395071763
and

A Lovely Love Story
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=89EzCFxPJxg

https://www.amazon.com/Lovely-Love-Story-Edward-Monkton/dp/0740763083/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=DDN9Z990FTHQR8QK3YN3
Are adorable.

Bonus: ALLS is about dinosaurs!! (Though you may want to customize some of the language about shopping or whatever to suit your personalities, since it's a bit gender stereotyped.)

"A Lovely Love Story" is so cute for a light-hearted reading. One of my favourite little books.

You "accidentally" did one of the things that The Surrendered Wife suggests to fix marriages. I think you might enjoy the book.

Tricky question! "Self improvement" is important, but it's not as big a thing in the female spaces of the pill-o-sphere. Most of the books we discuss in RPW are more to do with relationship skills, and possibly fall outside of 'self improvement' per se. By their nature, they're more suited to women who are already open to the ideas of male/female nature, complementary relationships, etc. It depends what you think your wife is open to.

"Surrendered Wife" is probably the best bet, IF you don't think the title/cover will turn her off AND the Christian basis isn't going to be problematic. Make sure you get the actual book, not the one that's a series of stories of women putting the principles into action.

Outside of TRP, a book I've found super valuable that's more about self-improvement for women who aren't necessarily focused on it is "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. Specifically because I think a lot of the problems in relationships comes from women not caring for themselves properly. Combine it with a beautiful planner/journal and pen (Kikki K is my favourite brand) and you have a gift that is very "I love you and want you to be happy" but also "here are tips to make your/our life better."

Hope this helps!

Be sure he has not eaten anything like right before he goes down on you, and know that it is not the end of the world if you don't like it. I would not rule it out without trying a few different things. Have him start really slow and ensure he does not have a lot of saliva build up as the enzymes in spit can desensitize the clitoris.

When I was first getting into the whole sex thing I read plenty of books on the art of felacio. Have him pick up a book or two and get to reading. I am not talking about the books that tell you to do the ABC's or something like that, but more the effects that certain foods can have on the vagina if eaten close to going down. Facts that are very useful and good to know when the time comes.
Best book I have read on the subject

Remember that everyone is different and you might like it done a certain way. Its all about what makes you feel good.

Find a new councillor asap... dating others while married sounds like a horrible idea, and is considered adultery. The best book I have found and one I would highly recommend from personal experience is love and respect

It sounds like he still has a long way to go, but if he really is getting better, as you say, then I'd say he definitely loves you. If he didn't, there wouldn't be much incentive for him to (try to) give up pornography or masturbation. So that's good.

One thing he definitely needs to work on is thoughtful communication with you. Lying to you, whether about using pornography at all or about the reasons for his ED, is not helping. Does he know about your struggle with an eating disorder? The health of your body image is crucial, and he should be making every effort to respect that.

He needs to be kicking his PMO habit, which--trust me--has nothing at all to do with you. It's not your fault. It never was. It never will be. That's his problem, he needs to own it, and if he ever blames you for it, know that he's either wrong or lying. You never make him sin; that's on him entirely.

One thing that might help your communication (it helped my and my wife's communication a lot, both when we were dating and a few years into our marriage when we felt we needed a refresher) are the books For Men Only and For Women Only (available as a two-volume set here). (Point of order: I haven't read the "revised and updated" version, but the originals were very illuminating when it came to our communication.)

This isn't a problem that goes away overnight, unfortunately. Marriage doesn't fix it (he probably expected it to before you got married). Even if he's trying his damnedest, he'll likely still have struggles. The hard part, for you, is that it means he'll need lots of forgiveness--not leeway, but forgiveness.

If he's not really trying, he needs someone to hold him accountable. That doesn't have to be you, and I understand if you don't think it can be you (for whatever reason). But find a friend of his that will talk to him, or your pastor, or someone, because he needs help (even if he won't admit it).

Why We Love the Church and How Then Shall We Worship have made me a better congregant and helped me better explain the benefits and necessity of the church to others.

Get Real has really helped me be a better evangelist (something i struggle with mightily).

My wife and my marriage have greatly benefited by my reading For Men Only

And there's this book on memory that I've given to a bunch of college students. Most of them use it to get better grades, but my brother is using it to memorize Matthew 5-7. It works quite well.

If you are a girl, This is a great book. Granted it is for significant others of girls and women with Aspergers. If your bestie is able to look past the information specific to significant others it will do a good job of educating someone who is curious. I gave it to my last significant other as kind of a user guide for me.

I really enjoyed conquer me. She puts into words things I hadn't been able to. It was also nice to read about someone who has similar desires and fantasies as mine.

Hi. :) First and foremost, let me set the expectation that you aren't going to change him into a Dominant. No one has the right to try to change their partner (kinky or vanilla), so that's already off of the table. Either he is or he isn't; but the good news for you is that it sounds like he at least has it in him!

So your task isn't so much to convince him to do dominant things, but instead it's to bring out his natural dominance. Remember, he's got to feel it in the moment too or it's just not real. He wouldn't want you to fake an orgasm, and likewise you wouldn't want him to fake dominance.

How do you bring it out in him? By you being submissive. You control yourself and your own actions, and if you want him to take that control from you then you need to give it to him. Show him that you willingly, desperately, want him to use you in your favorite ways. Let yourself relax and enjoy the bliss of submitting to him even if he doesn't understand it yet.

Practice being submissive to him. When he does something that makes you feel dominated, show him how much you deeply enjoy it. Shout "Yes!" with gusto when he gives you a little spank. Do it even more when he's aggressive during sex. Show him just how much it gets you off when he manhandles you, and soon he'll start to enjoy it even more. He'll feel the surge of power that we Doms get when we feel in charge. His primal instincts will feed off of your cues and he'll get into the swing of it, if he's truly got the wiring for it.

Be patient, as well. This isn't some Hollywood situation in which a single night of passion will flip a switch and suddenly the relationship will be awesome forever onward. It's a mutual learning process for both of you; in fact, even with experienced D/s people it's still a mutual learning process for the rest of our lives.

Kink requires deep trust, constant communication, and clear expectations on all sides. Honestly you need those three things to come naturally with him long before rough stuff in the bedroom will really mean what you want it to mean.

There are a ton of websites and books out there that you can start pulling information and ideas from. I'll recommend my favorite: Conquer Me was written by a female sub for female subs, and I truly recommend it to everyone (especially, ya know, female subs). It's not really a how-to guide nor collection of naughty stories, as much as just the author explaining her perspective as well as sharing the perspectives of others. It's written very sweetly and is an easy read once you get her conversational tone.

Lastly: Welcome to our little subculture! :) You'll find that there is a huge variety of perspectives and philosophies here, so be prepared to cherrypick the concepts that resonate with you and don't worry about the rest. The whole idea is that as long as something is safe, sane, and consensual.... if it makes you happy, it's okay. :D

Erotic Awakening and The Fearless Submissive are good podcasts.

http://www.eroticawakening.com/podcast/

http://thefearlesssubmissive.com/webpage/category/podcast

And a really good book is Conquer Me.

https://www.amazon.com/Conquer-girl-girl-fulfilling-submissive/dp/189015976X

A big part of it is a mindset that allows you to pay close attention to your partner, so you can express love in the ways they understand, and also notice and appreciate the ways in which they show love to you. This book helped me How to Love (Mindfulness Essentials) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1937006883/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Cpc6CbB734Y28

Yes!!! I totally get it and have struggled with that too. These are the books I'm currently cycling through:

Twenty-Four Hours a Day (not AA, but about alcoholism)

Daily Reflections (AA)

As Bill Sees It (AA)

Courage to Change (Al-Anon, useful for self-esteem issues and building a relationship with a higher power)

Courage to See (This isn't affiliated with any program, but has some great daily readings and is also useful for self-esteem stuff)

How to Love (Buddhist)

I absolutely love Thich Nhat Hanh and want to get the rest of his "Mindfulness Essentials" collection. They're all short books on mindfulness in different contexts (How to Love, How to Sit, How to Relax, How to Eat, How to Walk). I've also heard good things about The Energy of Prayer although I haven't gotten it yet so I'm not sure if it's set up well to be daily reader.

I've also used some Emmet Fox books in the past. Several of them have prayers/meditations in them that I've cycled through in various parts of my sobriety. Here's one I really liked:

"God is the only Presence and the only Power.  God is fully present here with me, now.  God is the only real Presence – all the rest is but shadow.  God is perfect Good, and God is the cause only of perfect Good.  God never sends sickness, trouble, accident, temptation, nor death itself; nor does He authorize these things.  We bring them upon ourselves by our own wrong thinking.  God, Good, can cause only good.  The same fountain cannot send forth both sweet and bitter water.

I am Divine Spirit.  I am the child of God.  In God I live and move and have my being; so I have not fear.  I am surrounded by the Peace of God and all is well.  I am not afraid of people; I am not afraid of things; I am not afraid of circumstances; I am not afraid of myself; for God is with me.  The Peace of God fills my soul, and I have no fear.  I dwell in the Presence of God, and no fear can touch me.  I am not afraid of the past; I am not afraid of the present; I am not afraid for the future; for God is with me.  The Eternal God is my dwelling place and underneath are the ever-lasting arms.  Nothing can ever touch me but the direct action of God Himself, and God is Love."

shes 100% marriage and relationship advice, no percent limbaugh other than shes obviously politically conservative.

are you politically liberal and expecting liberal women to treat menwith the respect they desire? i cannot understand liberal/left "RP" people. thats a giant disconnect in my view

https://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620

>From Publishers Weekly
In her newest book, Schlessinger (10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives) relies upon her experience in private practice, radio and letters she received from men and women in tackling the issue of women who mistreat their men and suffer the consequences of unhappiness. The women who criticize their husbands in the stories that Schlessinger relates are depressed in their marriages and feel little love from their husbands. Unabashedly asserting that man is a "very simple creature," who needs only "direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good loving'" to respond with devotion, compassion and love, this controversial marriage and family therapist claims that every woman can achieve a deeply satisfying marriage if she adheres to certain fundamentals men require. Preparing dinner, caring for the children without complaint, greeting her husband with a kiss and engaging in sexual intimacy instead of "tearing down a husband's necessary sense of strength and importance" can result in the harmonious marriage women crave. While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home.

Your man is under crazy stress right now. What he could really use is a nice warm cup of love from his wife. Are you the kind of person you would want to come home to, if you were in his shoes? Could you make an effort to be, if you are not?

I don't want to come across as if I'm dumping all responsibility for relationship troubles on you, but you haven't mentioned any especial stress in your life except that he is unavailable. Remember that when he is out doctoring, you are unavailable as well. He can't come home and get a hug when he needs it. He probably misses you a lot. Then he comes home tired and stressed and his wife is grumpy? This is not a recipe for marital success.

>I am afraid you are going to leave after your boards. Tell me you intend to stay and I will try to not (insert sub-optimal behavior). I'm so scared of losing you that it is messing me all up. Tell me you love me and you are not leaving.

Give that one round. Do it a bunch of times and you're saying you're not trusting him when he says he's staying, which sucks for him. After that, try to be pleasant. It's hard to be married to a dr. and it's hard to be newlywed. Hell it's hard to be a family where both people work outside the house - but remember why you got together.

Not everybody likes the author, but this has helped my own wife to understand her husband a bit more. You might have a look at: https://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620

• "Babe, thank you so much for _____" (mowing the lawn, walking the dog, taking the trash to the curb, etc.)
  
• "It made my day when you __"
  
• Ask him if you could rub his feet
  
• Read The Proper Care of Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

This is anecdotal, but my male classmates and co-workers had a hard time finding women genuinely interested in them when they mentioned "law school" in their profile.

Additionally, 1L is not the best time to be dating, or starting a relationship. Sorry. Across the board, that is where a lot of hurt happened for classmates, their former SOs or spouses. Lots of stress that first year because it is so new.

If you are working on losing weight... maybe you could use a picture of you doing some sort of activity (i.e. softball, 5k, cornhole, etc)? A picture is better than no picture.

*Disclaimer, I don't use dating websites. I lived vicariously through others in college and law school. Be outgoing during law school. It helps. But don't be surprised if non-law school/attorneys lose interest because you are too busy studying. Also, maybe briefly scan this quick read? It gives tips for profiles/profile pics as well.

Sometimes making masturbation goal oriented can make things more difficult. Experiment with different tools and techniques and try not to put too much pressure on yourself to orgasm. The magic wand can offer very intense stimulation and focuses on the clit. You may want a to try a variety of sex toys to see what you like.

Check out this guide which should help in selecting the sex toy right for you, or for more in depth information on sex toys you can also check out Good Vibrations. Hope this helps!

If you really want to study, you might also enjoy reading Betty Dodson's book, Sex for One.


San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) provides free, confidential, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex and reproductive health. You can reach us by e-mail ([email protected]) or by phone (415-989-SFSI).

101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

Lasting Love

Is This the One? - Date Ideas

All have great premarital suggestions

https://www.amazon.com/101-Questions-Ask-Before-Engaged/dp/0736913947

Has a bunch

You can go through a book like this one. https://www.amazon.ca/101-Questions-Ask-Before-Engaged/dp/0736913947/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538347316&sr=1-1&keywords=101+questions+to+ask+before+you+get+engaged

I also recommend premarriage counselling. It can help make sure that you have a plan and that you are looking at your plans objectively. From the sounds of it neither of you have had to financially support yourselves. I would suggest agreeing on a budget and see how that impacts your relationship. Can you make a realistic budget? Can you make a financial plan? Practise living according to a budget as if you were living on your own. If your parents don't charge you rent then put rent money in savings. The savings can be used for a wedding, or down payment on a house.

Readings-wise, I do my requisite duty to support Edward Monkton's A Lovely Love Story, full text available online here, also known as "the lovely other dinosaur story."

Lighting the Beacons is possibly my favorite movie scene of all time, from a cinematic perspective, but the music isn't quite my personal taste for a wedding processional. But that's me! If you want to stick with LOTR, what about the Rohan theme (long version, short version) or Concerning Hobbits? And I would love to go to the wedding where the full party or bride walks in to Misty Mountains Cold.

For readings, we will use 1 Corinthians 13 and the dinosaur story. I will probably walk in to something from the Battlestar Galactica soundtrack, but I bounce back and forth on what. "Skyfall" by Adele is an outside contender. We have no wedding party; FH hasn't decided yet whether he'll walk down the aisle with his mom, use his own music, use the same song I do, etc.

We'll walk out to Hooked on a Feeling; that's not a question. :)

No, it's a story written by Edward Monkton.

Have you read the Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle? If not, I highly suggest you read it ASAP. I can’t recommend it enough! Best of luck! :)
https://www.amazon.com/Surrendered-Wife-Practical-Finding-Intimacy/dp/0743204441/ref=nodl_

This is a myth. Sex should never hurt, whether it's your first time or your hundredth time. I suspect (and hope) myasianwife is just trollin'.

Coupla resources that might help the OP : THIS is the best book I've found on the subject, get it http://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763

If she's afraid of the big bad First Time Sex Must Hurt myth, read this http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/from_ow_to_wow_demystifying_painful_intercourse

Actually, there's loads of useful stuff at Scarleteen.com, she should have a good broggle about there.

Be kind, be gentle, be supportive. I learnt sooooo much from helping a couple of virginal friends. Good luck!

I'll throw this book into the mix. Maybe you'll think it could be useful or not, but I don't see how a little bit of education could hurt.

Not sure what I'd do in your position, but I recommend the book right and left to pretty much everyone, so there you go.

There is a book called "I love female orgasm" which has helped me greatly regarding my sexuality. It's comprehensive and includes a lot of information that I found incredibly helpful. You can find it on amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1569242763?pc_redir=1411841549&robot_redir=1

Also most cities have sexual health centres. I'm not sure about the situation where you live, but the centre in my town sells toys etc at no mark up. So if you're looking to invest and don't want to spend a lot, or if you don't like going into adult shops this can be a great option.

I think it was this one, but it's been a while.

There's a book called "The Hard Questions", it's basically a list of questions couples should ask each other and share their answers for. You could do it over the phone with your fiancé, or write down responses and share later. I thought most of the questions were gender neutral and non-denominational and discussed things like future expectations, finances, sex & intimacy, work, children, family, etc.

I’m sure! I can only imagine the differences between the two of you just based on your religious backgrounds. It will take patience and compromise for certain.

Take my advice as you will but I will tell you this. I used to believe it just took love or commitment to make a relationship work. Well, I was seriously incorrect and that ended up with me getting a divorce. I have learned as now I am in a tremendously successful relationship that having things in common is one of the most important things. Shared interests in particular. You can have different beliefs but you both must be willing to compromise and meet in the middle. You both need to want the same things or again be willing to compromise. Otherwise one person ends up being resentful and bitter or both. Just make sure beyond the alcohol issue you both can find yourselves on the same page! Talk about parenting and how you want to raise your children. Make sure he’s going to be the type of father you want for them if you both do want children.

This may be a good book for the two of you if you decide to marry! The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585426210/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_xP5VBbJK8BWTJ

I’ve read it with my current partner and we found ourselves on the same page which was quite reassuring! Good luck to you and your love!

I wonder if he has read this book called Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Honestly, you need some serious mentorship. I highly suggest Athol Kay's "Married Man's Sex Life" and consider hiring him as a coach. I used him and it helped really fix a lot of issues.

atholkay.com/

(Note: He is cheaper than a marriage counselor (useless) IMO.)

his book:
https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731

If you want to look at his website consider: www.atholkay.com

Another book for your wife to read is: "For Her Eyes Only"

https://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-Revised-Updated-About/dp/1601424442/

Apparently your father as serious Madonna/Whore complex and has infected you with the same mentality. Unfortunately, you will need seriously tackle this problem.

>Men with madonna/whore complexes are men who so buy into the myth of an infallible, asexual mother that they look to recreate her in their life partner. Since their mother image is so perfect and devoid of all whorish traits, anyone who does anything to break this idealized model must automatically fall into the whore category.

>They compartmentalize all women into two categories, the “madonna” like their mother or the “whore,” Ginger or Mary-Ann, not being aware that most women have traits of both the madonna and the whore coexisting in them to varying degrees. It’s hard for them to accept any middle ground. In very extreme cases, any woman who seems to enjoy sex too much period becomes a whore in their eyes. The problem is, every man and every woman has a social civilized side to them and a primitive, savage side, and both sides demand feeding. So while the madonna satisfies a man’s social needs as mother to his children and lady he can take around on his arm with pride, he finds his primal side incredibly bored and unfulfilled by the vanilla sex he has with his madonna. Even if the madonna wants to try to be less vanilla in the bedroom he won’t allow it because he has an illusion to preserve, and if she breaks it she is no longer the reincarnation of his mother. So he then finds himself seeking out women to fulfill the whore role for him, whether in porn, in prostitutes, in freak mistresses.

http://therawness.com/madonnawhore-complexes-part-3/

Many women do not realize having sex for a man is the way for displaying love and affection from his wife. it is not one of the ways; it is THE way. Unless you overcome your erroneous ideas about sex your marriage will not last and you will not be able to form any serious relationship with a mate. I suggest you seek a psychology counseling,preferably a Islamic or Christian based counselor., to overcome your problems with sexual intimacy.

>Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.
Shanti Feldhahn - For Women Only

http://trueagape.net/2012/07/for-women-only-by-shaunti-feldhahn-chapters-5-6/

For Men only and For Women only are great for you both to read!

Thumbs up on The Guide to Getting It On! I bought my copy in the early oughts and it's fantastic. It's the book that people most often look at on my bookshelf and then gift them at the next opportunity.

Paul Joannides' "Guide to Getting it On" is very good: http://www.amazon.com/Guide-To-Getting-It-On/dp/1885535457/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1885535457/ref=dp_ob_neva_mobile

This book is fantastic. All the information, and the healthiest attitude ever.

I'm 30 and have lower back issues and when I read your post, it instantly hit me.

I've had lower back issues (disc degeneration in l4/l5 and stenosis) for about 10 years now and it wasn't until 5 years ago that things really got serious. When that happened, my sex drive went downhill and that was without any sort of drugs.

The key here is to talk. Like everyone else on this thread, you need to talk about it. Ask him what he thinks or what would be comfortable. If you don't know where to begin, buy this book:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1885535457/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It's not specific with lower back pain and sex, but it does open your mind up to other experiences that might help fulfill this need in both of you. Feel free to read it yourself before bringing it up. Or just buy it and tell him that you're both going to read it every night. Ask him to explore the options with his doctor.

I tell you. Its tough. And any sort of movement scares the shit out of us. Mostly because us guys, are pretty weak when it comes to pain tolerance. I know for myself, I'm very sensitive. But my wife and I talk about it all the time, we have toys and we experiment.

Here are some things I do:

• Before sex, I take an advil or a higher pain medication
  
• Everyday I pay particular attention to my sex drive, if I'm feeling it I work on some small crunches throughout the day to strengthen my abs
  
• Flexibility is key, encourage him to stretch
  
• Use sex furniture: https://www.liberator.com/ - some of the positions here help in keeping the back straight while enjoing sex
  
• Toys, play around and see what works - don't feel bad if something doesn't work - just laugh it off
  
  And ultimately remember, sex is supposed to be fun. Surprise him with a handjob or blowjob. Force him to go down on you. Smoke some weed. Anything - but have fun.
  
  Hope this helps!

>Sometimes what you want is not what you need. Try reading Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham, if you haven't already. She describes "conquer me feelings" as "the submissive's internal demand for a show of strength." I felt validated by this book, as I like him to be nice to me, yet really need to see those moments of strength/domination come from him.

Thanks, I'll check it out!

Read this: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1937006883/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_QZrIDbXDBNP0P

Hi, I am going through this too. I just had to separate from my partner on Friday after things escalated. If your partner is serious about getting help, please check out Dr. Steven Stosny's work on treating abuse and intervention. If your partner is interested, he can go to an abuser intervention program and improve himself. My partner did not end up seeking out resources I had researched.

But I would like to focus on you. Just like you, I have felt (and still do) like all I wanted is for him to get better. I want to be his cheerleader and his rock. I didn't want to give up on him under any circumstances in the world. Like a lot of people trapped in abusive relationships: "I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Conor face his demons." It feels like from what you're saying that you have tied this relationship into your identity - I did too. My husband felt like my whole world.

But the more I have just started to seek out resources and experts, the more I've realized this is unhealthy and actually, it is not helping the abuser to get better. Yes, there are success stories where the abuser gets better. Absolutely - here's one of them. But one of the clearest ways to keep you safe and to see if he's serious about getting help that I have read about would be to have a 30 day, 60 day, or 90 day separation as a starting place while the partner is in treatment and check up on progress and goals at the end of the separation. If your partner cares more about getting help than about controlling you, he will not object to this. If he does, that tells you a lot about the state of the relationship - a day before my husband became violent with me, he begged me not to move into a separate apartment, telling me that that would be me giving up on the relationship. I am just now realizing how much of a red flag that was.

He has to want to get better for himself, not use his problems (and wanting to solve them) as a hook to keep you reeled in. Please consider this as it could be much better for your relationship and for both of you as individuals in the long term. I wish you and your partner the best and for a healing love and companionship. For yourself, you might want to read these books.

Welcome to the world of dating my friend. You saved yourself some time with this one though. Majority of women you're going to meet on dating sites you will not be compatible with. It's a numbers game so keep improving and learn something after every attempt.

​

One of the best things I ever did was download the audio book below by Mark Manson (Models: Attract Women through Honesty). I listen to it every month or so while on the treadmill and learn something new every time. I just got out of a 3 year relationship in March and it's helped a ton getting back into the dating game. I've had your exact situation many times already and this book really breaks it down. Good Luck!

​

https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/B00C93Q5KK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538503643&sr=8-1&keywords=mark+manson+models

great job!! not sure if you're open to the idea, but there was a great dating book that helped me years ago called "Models: Attract Women with Honesty" - kinda unrelated but just wanted to drop that

here's hoping your improvements will lead to lots of oppotunities to finding the right one for you out there

My bad, Mark Manson: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00C93Q5KK/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o01aud_?ie=UTF8&psc=1

CPSD, panic disorder, manic depression 😅 feeling like I may want a full time Daddy to retain the illness out of my mind
Using positivity and online CBT worksheets online helps but therapy is an indispensable resource ✌️

That went on longer 😅 but I wanted to add a book suggestion for bottoms struggling with mental illness if anyone's interested ❤️

Broken Toys: Submissives With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction

Mastering Mind: Dominants With Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction

There's answer excellent book on this very subject, it's called Broken Toys, I got it for kindle and it's an awesome read for any Dom(me) into BDSM that has a sub with mental illness. You should check it out and have your Dom check it out.

Edit: Here's a link to it: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B013PQCP08/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511801599&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=broken+toys

I think this varies from person to person, but in most cases I think it can be helpful if addressed correctly. I've recently started reading a book that addresses this particular issue (BDSM and mental illness).

If you're interested, the kindle version is quite cheap.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B013PQCP08/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

>Earlier this week, my wife tearfully told me she didn't have romantic feelings for me (not a surprise) and she didn't know that she would be able to get them back.

My guess? Your wife's fallen into the trap of believing that feelings come before behavior (this is quite common amongst women) In truth, behavior shapes feelings.

She needs to read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299261375&sr=8-1

"completely shocked as we have not been having issues.". Are you sure he's not seeing someone else? Taking a break is sometimes and easy way to end it.

If he is indeed willing to go to counseling, that's a good sign. What does he say he's upset about?

I'd recommend this book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060520620/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_OUfgzb4QQYYMT
...one of the best marriage books imo

Sex For One

I've been married for 18 years.

I know this will sound like a "stock" answer, but if you have access to it I really can't recommend therapy enough. The trauma of leaving behind an entity like TSCC is real, deep, and lasting. A therapist, especially one who specializes in issues like faith transitions and sexuality, will be able to help guide you personally toward meeting your own goals.

You might check out /r/SexPositive and try searching or posting or even just subscribing there.

Now, admittedly, for the rest of this I just went down a Google rabbit hole for a bit so I can't say that I know for sure these are solid, but they may be good starting places.

God, Sex and Women of the Bible by Shoni Labowitz may be a good starting place because it returns to the material that was likely used in part to originally teach you these unhealthy attitudes and recasts them in a much more sex positive light.

Because it Feels Good by Debby Herbenick is a simple guide to a huge range of the questions someone who was never taught anything about sex may have. This might help because if you demystify it then it can become less of a boogeyman and more of a bodily function (which it is).

The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti is an academic approach, but basically it looks at the ways culture as a whole has fetishized virginity and caused a lot of women to struggle with their sexuality. So if it would help you to "pull back the curtain" so to speak to look at HOW all this negativity has been drilled into you, it might help.

Similarly, Sacred Pleasure: Sex, Myth, and the Politics of the Body by Riane Eisler takes a historical perspective on the issue, examining the ways in which female sexuality (and sex in general) has been used as a tool to oppress women - and what we can do about that now.

Some people find that starting with themselves can help, so if you think that may be easier than trying to approached partnered sex, Sex for One by Betty Dodson is a tried and true resource for awesome self-love (masturbation) sessions.

Also - for me the thing that has worked the most is surrounding myself with people who have helped me to slowly change over time. Loving partners who are willing to go slow (or go backwards) as well as friends who are willing to talk things out have been indispensable. If you ever need a friend, just PM me. I'm no expert, but I'm happy to listen. :-)

There are books. Maybe you could send her one?

Yeah, the Church fails miserably here. Not only do we lack good 'meet up' opportunities, but we also lack any traditional or modern discernment aids for marriage. My gf and I are using a protestant book 101 questions to ask before you get engaged. Personally I'd love to be able to use a Catholic resource on this, but we couldn't find one.

I just got this story for my FH for our engagement-versary, and I think it would make such a cute reading. It's called A Lovely Love Story, and it's ADORABLE and funny (you can read it in full here).

Edit: added a word or two

It's not really a paperback book, but I really want it for the following reasons:

1. It's really cute.
   
   
2. It's one of the readings at my wedding next year.
   
   
3. I think it's just a lovely story.
   
   
4. So it goes, :P.
   
   Currently I am reading the Enchanted Forest Chronicles Series by Patricia C. Wrede. This is my favorite book series, I just finshed the second book, "Searching for Dragons" and hope to read the third book "Calling on Dragons" as soon as it arrives at my library from whatever other library it was borrowed from.
   
   Library = free books = awesome!

Glad I could help! You should buy the book. It has wonderful, adorable illustrations.

Fantastic, and very cute! Love when people make their weddings more personal and non-traditional. Cookie cutter weddings are so boring,

Reminds me of A Lovely Love Story by Edward Monkton:

ttp://amzn.com/0740763083

>I want to serve him, in a way I never have. Emotionally, Intimately, Fully and Completely. ALL WAYS.

If you're serious about the submission and the Submission, you might enjoy https://www.amazon.com/Surrendered-Wife-Practical-Finding-Intimacy/dp/0743204441

I've not read the book, but here it gives advice on the very topic you're addressing.

I haven't looked through this, but my boyfriend read it and whatever it told him to do works. He gives me ejaculating orgasms within a minute or two.
http://www.amazon.com/Low-Down-Going-Give-Mind-Blowing/dp/0767916573

To be frank, what positions have you tried? Do you ride him? If you control the motion of the ocean a lot of his awkwardness may be eliminated?

Seems like the dexterity issues need to be treated via physio maybe, but try getting him to read books by Marcy Michaels https://www.amazon.com/Lowdown-Going-Down-Give-Mind-Blowing/dp/0767916573.

She is a speech therapist, so she has literal exercises to improve control if you will.

Check out The Low Down on Going Down or She Comes First

Have you used your own fingers or a toy to explore pleasing penetration by yourself? I didn’t really get it either, until I found the angles, depths, pace that I liked. That being said, I definitely prefer to orgasm from both penetration and clitoral stimulation. I just cum harder and it feels better.

If you are enthusiastic about female orgasms check out this book:

I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide https://www.amazon.com/dp/1569242763/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_u47oDbJ79GFMV

This is female ejaculate, I highly recommend [this book, I ♡ Female Orgasm] (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763) to learn more. It's caused by the engorgement of the gspot, and is totally normal!

Hey, I am a female[24] who has had the same problem recently. My BF initiated sex all through our relationship and I loved it and suddenly he told me this too. I have also been abused. I have two recommendations for you that might help you with the root of your problem (confidence issues and anxiety involving sex). I read two books to help with my healing process:

Come As You Are (Emily Nagoski)
I <3 Female Orgasm

Both have tips about sex, healing sexuality, and learning about yourself. I HIGHLY recommend them. They changed my world. You will get something out of both of them. The first is a scientific look at what you're dealing with, and the second is more emotional/holistic. I recommend that one first (I<3 Female Orgasm), and then if you are still curious or are seeking more read Come as You Are

Edit: Links Below

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1520902384&sr=1-1&keywords=i+heart+female+orgasm&dpID=41GlJo%252BSvSL&preST=_SX218_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch

Pick up this book. I've read it a few times and so has my S.O.. It's great. It has a lot of information and you may learn a thing or two that you didn't know. I considered myself fairly well versed with my own orgasm but this book opened my eyes to a few interesting points.

Omg this was me! I seriously couldn't come any other way until I was 24, and it took about 4 months of practice (on my own time and with my SO).

I bought the book [I <3 Female Orgasm] (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763) and it has a bunch of really good advice if you're looking to branch out into other ways of coming. I still love masturbating that way, but I have to say, being able to come from a partner's hand is immensely satisfying. :)

Get a book?

I recently purchased this book. I haven't received it yet, so I don't know if it's any good and therefore do not recommend that book over any other similar book.

My boyfriends and I are currently long-distance, so at the very least I'm hoping for conversation topics for our daily phone call.

> Is cheating more about avoiding situations that can lead to infidelity or having the strength to resist all opportunities real or imagined?

I think this is where a lot of people fail. It usually starts with emotional cheating:

• spending more time with someone than they should
  
• talking about problems at home with another person, rather than with that person
  
• getting drunk etc
  
  This is a book I suggest someone who is looking for LTRs to read.

Sounds like you feel disrespected...

This book is seriously amazing. See if she will read this book with you. It was an eye opener for me because I didn't understand that men NEED to breathe in respect like they breathe in air.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1594153205

It changed the way I treat not only my husband, but all the men in my life like my father and brother. I just make sure to show them respect, and if they react to me with anger I can now say "Did I do something disrespectful, because what you said felt unloving." It's been amazing for communication.

AND be honest. Tell her you're at the end of your rope, and if something doesn't change you are afraid you'll leave her, and that it's not your ideal situation, but when you constantly feel disrespected you feel suffocated, and something needs to change.

Good luck!

Edit: women don't usually win custody battles anymore. I have seen a lot 50/50, and I have joint custody with one of my kids (blended family over here) and it's pretty evenly split. Our schedule looks like 50/50, but I will take our LO when he's at work so she's here more often than there simply because of his work schedule.

We used a parenting consultant, though, which helped things go smoothly. Things were a mess when it was just us and the lawyers.

Hopefully you guys will be able to work it out without needing to split up.

I'm so sorry you both have been hurting - and have hurt one another - in these ways. I'll pray for you both.

First, please seek marriage counseling together from a professional counselor. They will have the best perspective, advice, and recommendations for you.

I think y'all have a great opportunity here, and could wind up with a legendary marriage, but there's a tough road to that outcome, and would need a lot of rebuilding trust, friendship, and respect. Your best shot at that would be with a qualified, professional guide.

I also think you're right that this is open and could go either way. In view of the scriptures, the marriage is already broken, and you are both free to leave it. You're also free to stay and fight for it - I appreciate that you're open to trying.

A book recommendation, not on the topic of marriage after infidelity, but thematically appropriate for the emotional disconnects you've described: Love and Respect. Again, you'll get better recommendations from a professional counselor, but IMO the dynamic explored in this book is one you'll need to get on straight if you've any hope for thriving as a married couple.

The first thing that I notice is that both of you are using the attacking "You" type statements. And neither one of you have actually stated what you actually need from the other person.

What behaviors would you like to see from him? How do you FEEL? Are you scared? Angry?

I see two people in full armor exchanging barbs... And highly recommend that you get someone better than me to help open up real communication.

Also, might I recommend "Love and Respect" - you may not be staying together, but this will help you navigate your new coparenting relationship. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1594153205

This sounds like an interesting theory. Just to check, are you talking about Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs? (Your link in the first comment just linked to a bible passage).

It sounds like he's proposing that men (in general) care more about being respected and women about being loved, which is why this is what Paul exhorts people to do. I don't know whether I believe this for people as a whole, but anecdotally, it certainly seems true of my own parents.

Just wanted to reiterate some of what CritFailingLife said. As a woman, I've also noticed that the less I have sex, the less I feel interested, and sometimes my boyfriend and I have to sort of "restart" my sex drive. We both know that, though, so it's not too contentious to talk about it or to sort of "go through the motions" to get back into it. I didn't realize other women (or people in general) have this issue until I read this thread, but I'm not surprised.

I don't think anyone should feel like they are obligated to have sex, but at the same time I think sex is an important part of a relationship, and it's not right to go on forever (or for a long, long time) without having sex and expect your partner to just suck it up. I absolutely agree with what everyone else here has said--you should not go looking for it somewhere else because that can be the death knell of your relationship.

However I also really agree with what others have said about how you should wait until a neutral time and talk it over with your wife. Communication is everything. It helps my boyfriend and I understand each other and take care of each other, so it's good in itself. As a bonus, I also feel most likely to want to have sex when I feel my boyfriend and I really understand each other, so that's just another reason to talk things through.

Ask her why she thinks she's not very interested in sex. Ask her what role she thinks sex does or should play in any relationship, and in your relationship specifically, especially over the long term. Ask her if there's anything new she'd like to try in bed, anything she'd like you to do differently. She may be shy or reserved about some of these questions (I have no idea--it varies from person to person) but at least it can get her thinking about it.

Finally, awhile back my boyfriend and I read these books (one for men, one for women) together. They are Christian-based, and we are not Christians, but we still found them very interesting. You're supposed to read them separately from each other (hence the titles) but we actually read both together, taking turns reading to each other while we did other things around the house, and it sparked so many great conversations.

We didn't agree with every single thing in the books but they had a lot of good points, and there were some chapters on sex, and how men and women sometimes approach it differently. I thought it was very helpful--I felt like I understood my boyfriend better after reading it. I'm not saying that every man and woman fits the pictures painted in these books, but I expect many do, so maybe that would help too.

Dude, your wife just had a baby...it's going to be hard for her to adjust (physically and emotionally) to that. Life will be different, but you can still have a good sex life. Make sure you communicate your feelings to her and tell her it's important to you to have a good sex life because it helps you connect...not just for pleasure.

If she's resistant to that communication then I would suggest some couples therapy. You can also check out the books "[For Men Only] (https://www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Straightforward-Guide-Inner/dp/B0035G04Q6)"
for you, and "For Women Only" for her.

It's a view of men's and women's perspective on life, love and sex. It helped me better understand how most women view sex and how that's different from myself. My SO also found that she understood my needs better and our sex life has improved tremendously.

Here is the mobile version of your link

There are a few books out there about being in a relationship with someone who has Aspergers, such as the one in the url below. Rudy Simone and Liane Holiday Wiley have written extensively about women with Aspergers. Good luck!

https://www.amazon.ca/Things-Woman-Aspergers-Syndrome-Partner/dp/1849058830/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1499642859&sr=8-3&keywords=rudy+simone

I have my wife two books about autistic partners and they've helped us immensely. Here are the links:

https://www.amazon.com/Things-Woman-Aspergers-Syndrome-Partner/dp/1849058830/ref=pd_sim_14_12?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1849058830&pd_rd_r=H6QFSVBBKGD9WMFP9QXM&pd_rd_w=ROcnM&pd_rd_wg=cJCIh&psc=1&refRID=H6QFSVBBKGD9WMFP9QXM

https://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Autism-Spectrum-Disorder/dp/1849054983/ref=pd_sim_14_5?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1849054983&pd_rd_r=H6QFSVBBKGD9WMFP9QXM&pd_rd_w=ROcnM&pd_rd_wg=cJCIh&psc=1&refRID=H6QFSVBBKGD9WMFP9QXM

The first book also has another version for partners of autistic men.

This is so helpful, and they have one for men.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1849058830/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

I have a thick book called 'guide to getting it on' probably like a thousand pages...recomended...

https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535171/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538193533&sr=8-1&keywords=guide+to+getting+it+on#customerReviews

Remember, everyone is born a virgin. We all have to learn at some point. Don’t be ashamed of your lack of experience.

As a basic sex manual, I highly recommend The Guide to Getting It On (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1885535171).

Do you masturbate, and do you know how to give yourself an orgasm? If not, or if you just want to get better, check out omgyes.com.

> ...I am super horny... I really really want to have sex.
This enthusiasm is way more important than having X amount of experience, or having done A, B and C.

I have one SB who’s way more experienced, in terms of her “number” and in terms of the variety of stuff she’s tried, than I am. I have another SB whose “number” is 2 and has had about the same kinds of experience as you. I find them both incredibly sexy.

Finally, anyone who tries to sneak attack your ass is wrong and very inconsiderate. Don’t put up with that shit. Any halfway empathic partner will ask beforehand and respect your boundaries. Don’t settle for less.

Not specifically about the female body, but an AWESOME resource about sexuality in general is The Guide to Getting It On. Honestly a super fun and informative read with tons of fun facts, advice, comics, etc:
Https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535457

Betty Dodson is also a big name in female sexual pleasure.. I'm personally not a huge fan but her following is ginormous and she has alot of info on her website: http://dodsonandross.com

I would definitely recommend 2 podcasts... not necessarily about the female body but about the female perspective. Guys We Fucked is a podcast hosted by 2 female comedians who talk about their sex lives in a refreshingly candid way... definitely gives you an insight into what goes in the heads of the average girl. On the flip side, there's Stuff Mom Never Told You which is more a feminist podcast that talks about the history and social framework surrounding a bunch of issues. Not all SMNTY episodes are exclusively about sexuality, but there are a bunch of episodes that are.

Omgyes is a fun website to check out too! https://www.omgyes.com/

Hmm.

Just ask her. "Hey babe. I want you, and I'm tired of not being able to please you, so in my hand is a copy of The Guide To Getting It On. Let's flip through it and see how much better we get at sex."

If she says no, then tell her what I think you're really thinking. Tell her you want a divorce, and it's better for both of you not to be stuck in a loveless marriage.

"The Guide to Getting It On" ($25 on Amazon normally) on the other hand is an absolutely fantastic resource.

https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/asin/1885535457

"Guide To Getting It On"

Actually a great book overall, glad I bought it. Discusses almost every aspect of sex

Would love to win this book although it's not going to be the most interesting.

this one would also make me very happy

http://www.amazon.com/Conquer-girl-girl-fulfilling-submissive/dp/189015976X

"Conquer Me!" is really nice for understanding Subbie girls and our needs.

However, the book for you is probably "The Loving Dom", its a great book on both how to manage the relationship, and how to play and what all the toys are for. My Master loved it.

Also HEAVILY recommended is Kinkacademy.com, a payed (but they have some free) educational website with all sorts of videos. It has been very valuable for my Master and me.

As for the side question, that means that you are normal. Full lifestyle 24/7 couples, though respected in (at least my) community, are not the norm. However, even though I am 24/7, I have a lot of non-bdsm sex, because it's want my Master wants at the time.

TLDR: "Conquer me", "The Loving Dom" and kinkacademy.com will help you a bunch, also look at Fetlife.

I love love love this wearable board game concept my Sir created for me. Here is my post I made explaining it.

Also, I totally get what you are trying to articulate. I found this book very useful when trying to explain those feelings to my SO: Conquer Me

Here's something I'd enjoy

Learning makes me happy. I love to learn about random things but primarily natural sciences, Sociology and Music.

Good luck, and I apologize for the harsh tone on my response.

May I recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Mindfulness-Essentials-Thich-Nhat/dp/1937006883

• Accept yourself, get to know yourself. So you can accept your partner and get to know them, without judgement, without your ego or insecurities getting in the way.
  
  
• Always comunicate openly and directly, unless you're angry. Give each other space and time to calm down before talking. Don't play mind games with each other, don't be sarcastic and don't mock them.
  
  
• Respect comes before anything. Be more respectful and kind to your partner than to anyone else. Be extra considerate and patient with them.
  
  
• Nurture yourself, love yourself. So you can nurture and love your partner. Allow yourself to treat them like a grandma would with a small child when they're sad or hurt. Be their safe place. Cook for them, cuddle, talk to them or just listen or just silently hug them, whatever they need.
  
  
• Be the kind of partner who doesn't need to be asked to be considerate and loving. You're not a mind-reader, obviously, but pay attention to your partner's needs and help them as much as you can. Just be attentive and chivalrous. With my ex, I always had to ask him to walk with me if I had to go to an ATM at midnight and stuff like that, he always made me feel like I was asking for too much when I shouldn't even be asking in the first place.
  
  
• Empathy. Make their pain your pain. There's no place for "That's your problem" in love. Don't leave them alone on their worries or problems, no matter how small or big they are. You don't have to solve them, just be interested and care as if they were your own.
  
  
• Everyday ask yourself if that relationship is bringing something valuable to your life, making you grow, bringing you joy (not to confuse with "making you happy"). There are good days and bad days, but the value of a relationship and the warmth of joy are there no matter what, just like a bad relationship feels bad even underneath the smiles of good days. If you're in a bad relationship, be thankful for what it gave you and leave, if you're in a good partnership, appreciate it and be thankful.
  
  
• Be there. Wherever you are, make the other person feel they're not alone. When you're by their side, be present; when they're talking to you stop what you're doing and look at them (unless you're driving, duh), don't be those "Yeah, I'm listening" partners who keep fiddling with their phones while you're trying to talk to them. Acknowledge your partner and give them your time.
  On his AMA, Jeff Bridges was asked how did he and his wife managed to have a long and happy relationship while living the Hollywood life and, basically, he said they achieved it by being there, staying in touch to know with what was going on in each other's lives as much as possible; this shows that, no matter what, you're there and you care.
  
  
• Don't lose your sense of humour. There's always time for a giggle or two and everything has the potential to be funny. Laugh together, don't lose your inside jokes, be childish if possible.
  
  
• Get out of your own head from time to time. We all have our own lives, from time to time ask yourself if you're being the kind of person your significant other deserve (it can even be hourly, doesn't have to be a big ceremony, just checking out everythings fine).
  
  
• Give them space. You know how people talk about keeping things spicy and interesting on their relationship so they don't feel tempted to cheat? Well, according to Esther Perel love also relies on intimacy and comfort, which can only come from a partner you know well. She says (and I agree) that the best way to get both excitement and comfort is by giving your partner space and freedom. This way, you both can grow and go explore the world (whatever this means to you, from polyamory to just going to the movies alone sometimes or taking a pottery class or other hobbies) and then come back home and share your experiences (thus keeping things new and interesting).
  
  
• Make an effort on your appearance. At least, be as clean as possible and stay healthy, for both of you.
  
  I think that's pretty much it by now o___o Hope this helps.
  
  EDIT: Oh, I almost forgot!
  
  
• Another piece of advice by Esther Perel: Instead of trying to have quickies to keep your sex life alive (once it becomes difficult), dedicate a whole afternoon to stay in bed, cuddle, make love and enjoy each other (I think she talks about that here), even if it's just once a week it's way better for strenghtening intimacy.
  
  --------------
  
  I highly recommend the book How to love by Thich Nhat Hanh. He provides simple and not-so-simple insights on love to achieve healthy and loving relationships. Mostly, he emphasizes the importance of empathy and presence.
  
  (If you're interested, he explains the four principles of love on this talk (The link starts when he starts explaining the principles, but you can start from the beginning), which are "maitri (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (joy), and upeksha (freedom)". On this other video he explains it much more briefly but clearly.)
  
  I also recommend this TED talk, The secret to desire in a long-term relationship by Esther Perel, in which she explains what I said about freedom and space.
  
  

Buy The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands: Laura Schlessinger and ask that she please prayerfully read it.

​

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Ah yes, modern relationship expert Aziz "marriage is an outdated-institution because I'm in showbiz and get to bang girls light-years out of my league if I wasn't rich and famous so why would anybody settle down if they had my life?" Ansari.

This is a good book: 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged https://www.amazon.com/dp/0736913947/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ITewDb5PQ4HJX

It's not possible to share, because every couple needs to come to their own decisions regarding everything. No two relationships are the same.


Here is the book: http://smile.amazon.com/The-Hard-Questions-100-Before/dp/1585426210/

The book is literally just a list of 100 questions to ask each other. "How many kids do you want?" "What kind of schools can the kids go to?" "Do we need to go to church, how often?" "If we have a fight, do we have a cool down period?" "What rules do we have when we fight?" "Where do we spend Christmas or Thanksgivings?"

Surprisingly, these seemingly small questions often end up being hour long conversations. It took us a long time to get through the book, but at the end, we're a better couple because of it.

NTA, but I do think that your judgement is pretty poor. If sex is important to you why would you want to wait until marriage to see if you're compatible with your partner? I understand that there are entire religious traditions and folk wisdom around abstinence, but those traditions have very little to say about having a happy sex life--they mostly leave it off the table. I absolutely understand why you balked and want an annulment. I also think there are a lot of other issues that would probably come up in the marriage that you never even broached with your partner. There's a book called "The Hard Questions" that lays out some very important open-ended questions that, in my opinion, absolutely everyone should talk about with their partner BEFORE tying the knot. Marriage isn't an event that magically solves every relationship problem until you live happily ever after, it's a pact between for a partnership that will have to be constantly maintained and tended to over the course of a lifetime. It's good to know what you're getting into ahead of time.

Read this please:
https://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620

This is totally normal. I'm generalizing here, a lot of people will fight me on this, but they can get over it. As a man, you should know that men are competitive. It looks bad on you when she doesn't try with her appearance. When a man walks around with his SO dressed nicely, it shows other men that he has done well. If a man walks around with a woman that doesn't try, other men judge that. Guys don't like to admit to this, but it's true.
For advice, this is a really touchy subject. Yes, women can wear whatever they want and don't have to care. Maybe take her to a fancy restaurant and dress really nice. Maybe then she'll feel the need and you can make it known how beautiful she is. Or just tell her you think she is beautiful no matter what and she should show others her beauty. Just don't pressure her to change the woman you fell in love with. Good luck!
Edit: Source http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-Revised-Updated-Edition/dp/1601424442