(Part 3) Best books about happiness according to redditors
We found 3,794 Reddit comments discussing the best books about happiness. We ranked the 814 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 41-60. You can also go back to the previous section.
There's an excellent book that formalizes your line of thinking called How to Be Miserable: 40 Strategies You Already Use.
The author is a psychologist specializing in emotional disorders who spent decades collecting all the bad habits his clients engaged in that made them depressed / anxious / etc.
He then organized the habits from most impactful to least impactful in a satirical "self harm" book.
CGPGrey made a reductionist video covering some of the highlights.
FWIW, going to bed and waking up at a different time each day, a shitty diet and not exercising were his top three recommendations to maximize your own misery.
Ship date is already slipping...
This is pretty much what current psychology research says and teaches with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).
It doesn't mean the "positive thinking" crap, which never works, as you can't control your feelings.
But it means to neutralize (NGAF) destructive and unproductive thoughts.
The standard ACT book is probably the happiness trap
https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1501197274
A bit awkward in its writing/translation like Marie's books, but it's worth it.
Edit: I just scrolled down to the product description on that page and the first thing it mentions (!): “Marie Kondo, but for your brain.” —HelloGiggles
It's generally accepted that CBT or, to a lesser (but self-manageable) extent, mindfulness meditation are things that are known to work for such problems.
For certain causes of stress, books like https://www.amazon.com/Now-Habit-Overcoming-Procrastination-Guilt-Free/dp/1585425524 or https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters-ebook/dp/B005ERIRZE might be helpful, but YMMW; it helps some but for many (most?) people reading self-help books aren't sufficient to do anything and actual activities (CBT, meditation or possibly others) have a larger chance to help.
There's a book for teaching meditation techniques to kids that could work for you. It's very simple and since people are touchy about kids and religion, it stays away from the spiritual side.
It's called Sitting Still Like a Frog by Eline Snel.
https://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Still-Like-Frog-Mindfulness/dp/1611800587/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1496688809&sr=8-1&keywords=sitting+still+like+a+frog
You were very brave to do the right thing for yourself. Childbirth and pregnancy is terrifying and it’s easy for someone else to say you should have gone through that. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t have kids… That whole process is life-threatening and scary and women do die from it.
I don’t mean to sound patronizing - but you are young and as the years go by and you meet new people and build a new life I believe you will be very glad you made this decision.
Your aren’t weak or selfish. You made the right choice for yourself and protecting yourself. It’s YOUR body that wouldn’t had to carry that baby
This book may be helpful. And yes find a therapist!
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It https://www.amazon.com/dp/1478121734/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_53tSBbJXF2344
I don’t want to be a negative nelly, but I'm a bit skeptical to claims like this. From what i learned in introductory medicine – sleep needs to be one continuous processes for all the chemistry not to get fucked up. For instance, Growth hormone takes a while to start releasing once you start sleeping, and if you don’t sleep for many hours you are not going to get the hormonal induced regrowth og body.
That's not even touching on the topic of REM sleep, winch we are putty sure is needed for memory, creativity and integration of experience. REM sleep doesn’t really ramp up until very late in a 8 hours sleep cycle. And the claim that lack of long, continuous, sleep cycles are detrimental to mental acuity are confirmed by many studies.
The overall impression I have from reading about sleep is as following: Sleep is a carefully orchestrated sequence of MANY processes that needs to unfold in a particular pattern for everything to be done correctly. There are many studies that find ANY kind of interruption to a normal daily sleep-cycle to be detrimental.
That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if something come along and overturned all of this, that is the nature of science. But given the amount of evidence for the opposite, I'm gonna stand back and wait for more evidence before i change my mind. For instance, one study that says evolution doesn’t exists wont convince me, but a 1000 such studies would.
My claims can be are based on the following books:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-zebras-dont-get-ulcers-robert-m-sapolsky/1100623124
http://www.amazon.com/Promise-Sleep-Medicine-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017
TL;DR: This studies is contrary to alot of studies that show we need the whole uninterrupted night of sleep, or suffer the consequences of reduced cognitive ability. I'm still open to new finding, but one completely out-of-sync-with-the-rest studies is suspicious. Cool if true tho.
It is a better solution than the bottle, you're right...
For me, the critical factor was that I realized I often saw myself Not At My Best while high. I've been smoking every day for the last 3 years. Today is my first day sober. I decided to put a stop to hazing out my mind because I saw a lot of areas where I would like to feel less hazy. For instance, in conversations, I often just anxiously and self-consciously stress about what to say, or about the last thing I said, thinking it wasn't good enough. It's like I can see myself SAYING all the right things, but the FEELING isn't there. I'm not very good at getting my heart across to people while blazed. I really want to be my best for my relationships.
Green also helped me to leave a lot of unsuccessful relationships. It allowed me to feel happy just being alone, so I didn't feel like my loneliness was driving me to hold onto relationships that weren't completely fulfilling. But now I KNOW what to look for in good relationships, and I want to be at my best so I can provide for others in the same way I hope they will provide for me. I want to make new friends who are in touch with their feelings and their inner power - the knowledge that we all have special gifts we can bring to the world to make it a better place for everyone. Green made me satisfied with the boring life I was leading - with my silly routines of Facebook, Reddit, smoking, repeat.
I did find it easier to read while high, to shut out distractions. But now that I know what it's like to focus intently, I think I can do it without green. I look at my time with trees as a valuable learning experience - I learned what's important to me, and what I need to do and think in order to be minimally happy. But it doesn't make me maximally happy, and that's not good enough. I couldn't just pick up and go camping, or go wander around the beach or gardens for hours. I would be worried about how to get high and who might be watching. It's just not the same, to constantly be looking at myself from the outside and wondering if I'm doing good enough but silently knowing I'm not doing my best. Being content is not the same as fulfilling my true potential. Being satisfied is not the same as engaging in thrilling relationships. I want MORE!
The trick really is convincing yourself that it's the right thing to do. The problem now is that you "don't know" if it's right. You suspect things could be better, but you're not sure.
As far as I know, it gets both better and worse. I heard someone on here say that you need to accept that some activities will simply not be as fantastic as they seemed while high. But the benefit comes in viewing one's life as a whole - saying, Even though I can't absorb myself completely in this movie in the way I used to, now I can use my mental faculties better to feel like my life as a whole is moving in a coherent direction that I control.
The feeling of being a slave to one's desires is really shitty. You can free yourself if that is your one goal! You need to give up the goal of feeling Okay All The Time, and allow yourself to process the idea of living intensely. On one hand you could be high and content, or on the other you could be sober and fully recognize the depth of your anger, sadness, joy, boredom, curiosity, love, anxiety, doubt, frustration... All of these feelings are divine. They are all useful and lead you to a better awareness of yourself and how to contribute to the wellbeing of the world as a whole.
The first step is self-compassion. I started reading [this book] (http://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Beating-Yourself-Insecurity-Behind/dp/0061733512) yesterday and it really made me feel awesome and totally capable of taking on this task. The jist of it is: Recognize the legitimacy of your feelings. Don't condemn them and try to bury and ignore your emotions with green. When you feel you are suffering, acknowledge your right to feel that way and try to nurture yourself as you would a good friend. I used to turn to green when I would think, "I shouldn't be feeling this way, I should be productive. I should be nice to everyone." But that's just not reasonable. I used green because it felt like BOTH relaxing AND being productive at the same time. I think the trick for sober living is separating out those desires. Allow yourself to rest sometimes, regenerating yourself - If you feel like you need to be completely relaxed in order to be regenerating, you've missed the point. It's okay to acknowledge how stressed you feel - "I've been trying my hardest but I can't be perfect all the time. I'm being a bit too hard on myself. Maybe I could write about my feelings." Only feel like you "should be doing work" when you feel self-confident and self-compassionate. If you feel negatively toward yourself, your gifts, and your purpose, you will sabotage your productivity and convince yourself you need green in order to proceed.
A great quote from T.S. Eliot:
What is this self inside us, this silent observer, /
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us /
And urge us on to futile activity /
And in the end, judge us still more severely /
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?
The point is - You're being really mean to yourself when you tell yourself "I can't get anything done unless I'm high." Your remorse and self-loathing perpetuates the cycle. Try to be kinder to yourself, acknowledging your strengths as well as your human shortcomings, like the need to get plenty of rest.
It's okay to not get to every item on your To-Do list every day. Handling everything "straight" means shifting from one task to another as you are most comfortable. When you feel stressed and incapable of proceeding, don't sit down to a bowl. Post on this sub-reddit or engage in some creative activity. Try to get in touch with your unique passions. Hold out hope for a day when you can wake up and walk out the door and live your life however you want, without feeling like "I need to smoke in order to accomplish X".
Listen to [this song] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5E2wVNss98). Make your own mix of calming, self-assuring music that you do not associate with using.
Take it one day at a time!!! It gets overwhelming to think too far into the future, about whether you're 'ultimately making the right decision.' Fear comes from wondering whether you're heading in the right direction. Yet you say yourself you've been heading in this direction for the last year. Acknowledge that At Least Trying Out Living Sober Is Your Goal Right Now. It's YOUR GOAL! Not anyone else's! So you need to be honest with yourself about what it would really take to reach your goal. The answer is, take it one step at a time.
I think like this:
1 Day: I'm doing better at acknowledging my deepest feelings and true needs than I have in 3 years; I will be patient and loving toward myself. |
10 Days: I will start to feel normal again. |
14 Days: I will experience a burst of energy; I can start hardcore engaging with the world again. |
30 Days: Shit is pretty much out of my system. |
90 Days: I start feeling really happy about my decision and life in general; I can do everything I need to do by giving myself adequate planning and resting time.
You've already experimented with how you will look at the world differently with trees. Now convince yourself that now is the right time to experiment with how you will look at the world post-trees. You will not revert to the person you were before you started smoking. You have learned a lot about yourself and the nature of human relationships in the last few years. Now is the time to apply yourself completely to your goals. Life is not supposed to be happy all the time; it's supposed to be a crazy twisty-turny process of finding out who you are. You've discovered a lot about yourself recently, but you are bored because there is nothing new to learn. The only direction for further personal development is seeing what you are like without any mind-altering substances.
Give yourself a right to feel the way you do. You are in pain, unsure about your purpose in life and your capabilities. You are medicating a tender heart by trying to shut it off from the world. Your heart is not engaged with your work when you are only doing it to get by. After you decide to see what you are really like, you will experience the strength to carry out your purpose. If you do find yourself still smoking, try not to beat yourself up. Instead, calmly assess your feelings. "Why am I doing this right now?" As you begin to problem-solve your reasons for using, it will be easier to imagine a future without use. You just have to picture yourself as sober and happy; believe that it can happen - affirm to yourself that's what you want - and you will be able to do it.
Good luck! We're always here for you!
That's pretty much the entire Alt-Right/Anti-SJW/Septic Tank cult in a nutshell.
Ever seen the reviews for Dianetics on Amazon? Exactly.
I would recommend that you read the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It (link to Amazon).
I read this book two years ago with not much belief in the knowledge shared here. I didn't fully believe or apply the principles, so it wasn't really helpful.
A few months ago, I came across this book again. Difference? I was desperate for change. I felt like my life was unravelling at the seams. I kind of had a similar background as you but with my father. He would literally laugh at my dreams and tell me I would "be overshined by my siblings," and told me I was "always lacking in everything." He is the reason I often fall into patterns of completely disregarding any achievement of mine. A few months ago, this was my typical day: I relived my worst memories once every few hours in attempt to "understand myself" (now I see it was a form of self-sabotage) and I kept telling myself I was strong for getting through these situations, but it didn't change the fact that I felt like a failure every day. I can't say I know exactly what you feel like now, but I can relate.
Okay, so back to the book. I read this with desperation. By then I was already aware of the importance of your mindset and what you tell yourself, but I didn't really know how to translate this knowledge into practice. And then came this book. Simply put, the idea is to tell yourself this one thing over and over again. "I love myself." It doesn't matter if you believe it or not right now. Just do it. Because you will get to a point where you actually value yourself through this seemingly stupid exercise. I have to say I feel better than ever about who I am. I'm just more secure about the person I am. My flaws, my interests, and all. I was socially awkward because I wanted people to like me so badly. Now, I'm not charming anyone by any extent of the word, but I don't feel that pressure to impress someone or make sure they like me anymore. (It's not completely gone, but eight to nine times out of ten, I don't think "what if they don't like me" anymore.) This is one the most effective CBT techniques I have experienced.
Also, a key idea here was to stop any negative thought process from unfolding by saying the words "not important" in your mind. This has been surprisingly helpful, and I don't go the on crazy negative tangents in my mind much anymore.
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I also recommend you read the book Mindset. It became much easier to make progress and accept that I was making progress in different areas of my life with a growth mindset.
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Best of luck! I hope you do well. I know you can get over this. I'm saying this as someone who has gone through clinical depression, anxiety, and self-sabotage over the past four years. I'm now thankfully completely recovered from depression and anxiety, and am working to get into university with a scholarship while freelancing. I get depressed and anxious, but it's not the magnitude of mental illness anymore.
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Remember progress isn't instant. I don't know how negative your thought processes are, but the "instant change" I outline above is just to show you an example of where you might be. You might be mentally somewhere closer to me three years ago when it took a good year and a half to rid myself of my worst thought processes.
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Good luck!
A lot of playing with vocabulary here but its good advice overall.
Let's just ignore the vocabulary play...
Let's talk about how much self-indulgence we should take part in, because I feel like this is ignored by OP, or OP seems to imply that we should engage in zero self-indulgence..
I believe there is a necessary amount of self-indulgence to engage in. I have seen this time and time again with myself and others. We create an unrealistic goal and then fail miserably and do not try again for an extended period of time. By failing to be honest with ourselves about our limitations we set ourselves up for failure. We need realistic expectations that are aligned with our real values. We know that it is real if we can see it in our minds eye, we see the strategy, we know the action steps, and it's obtainable.
For example... I've been able to lose 35 lbs over a period of 1 year. I'm now 11% body fat. :-) I spent 6 years before that overweight/obese and I tried repeatedly during that time to diet. These repeated failures had times in between, extended periods, where I did not even try. I would create a plan for my diet that had rules like 'NO FAST FOOD' and 'DRINK WATER WITH FOOD' or had a strict plan laid out. These absolutes that do not allow for self-indulgence were setting myself up for failure. It wasn't until I created new strategies that integrated my favorite fast foods that I started seeing real success that I could build on.
This is especially true when trying to repair self-esteem. "I CANNOT xyz BECAUSE I am too mentally weak" is a classic inferiority complex (for love of god please read 'the courage to be disliked') that can only be fixed with realistic goal setting.
When do we know we are engaging in too much self-indulgence? I don't know... I was hoping that this thread would be about that. I believe the best way to calibrate our self-indulgence is with goal setting. Here are some ideas I have of signs that we are engaging in too much self-indulgence:
What do ya'll think?
I think you shouldn't underestimate taking action. In fact, I'd make that your priority over meditation right now. And by action, I mean getting outside and socialising with people.
Look into ACT therapy. It's a combination of goal setting, stoicism, exposure therapy, and mindfulness.
Basically, you:
Just over a year ago I had such extreme social anxiety that just leaving the house was a big ordeal. Last night I went to a networking event for an industry I've always wanted to work in, where I met a bunch of strangers and pitched myself to them. It blows my mind just thinking about how far I've come from a similar situation to yourself, so I can 100% vouch for this method.
First step for you would be to find a therapist. If that seems too daunting, make a booking to go see your doctor. If that seems too daunting, just make a booking but tell yourself you dont have to go. You just need to take a little baby step. It's okay if you stumble, just keep trying to take that first step, it'll get easier. The baby step analogy is perfect. If you're ever struggling just ask yourself how long you'd give a baby to learn to walk before you gave up. You wouldn't, right? You just keep trying.
In the mean time you should also read this https://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Living/dp/1611801575/ It's a very short illustrated book explaining ACT therapy. ACT stands for acceptance and commitment. Acceptance meaning understanding that life can be tough. But... Committing to take some ACTion anyways.
You should also write down a plan to expose yourself to going outside and socialising which focuses on very very small steps you can take to give yourself small wins, that you can build upon.
For me at the very beginning it was as small as just going outside for a walk. Then I found events that I was interested in where I could just turn up to and wouldn't have to talk to anyone. I found these series of movie talks where I could go listen to a talk, then watch a movie. Just rsvping for those events was a small victory. Then just leaving the house to go to the events was a small victory. Then staying 5 minutes was a small victory. I just kept doing these little baby steps. Building upon my previous victories. Exposing myself to things that scared me at very very small amounts. Always with the knowledge that at the worst, I just go home. And truth be told, in over a year, I haven't had a single negative experience (you know, beyond it being really tough to go outside sometimes!).
You get the idea, right? And at each step, you celebrate it as though you've won a war. A war against yourself.
I think you've already taken your first step by asking on here for advice. You've won your first battle. Go buy that book. Read 5 pages. Google your local doctor. Make a booking. You got this.
A mirror, for instance, will reflect both angry faces and smiling ones. The very quality of the mirror allows countless images to arise, yet none of them belongs to the mirror. In fact, if the angry face were intrinsic to the mirror, it could be seen at all times and would prevent other images from arising. Similarly, the most fundamental qualify of cognition, the luminous quality of the mind, is what allows the arising of thoughts and underlies all of them. Yet none of these thoughts belongs intrinsically to the fundamental nature of the mind. The experience of introspection shows, on the contrary, that the negative emotions are transitory mental events that can be obliterated by their opposites, the positive emotions, acting as antidotes.
excerpt of Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill by Matthieu Ricard.
I'm that to try to convey that you need not be disgusted with yourself. Your thoughts are not you. You just are, and that's that.
Are you eating some whole natural food? Exercising a bit? Getting some sunlight? These things can't cure every depression, but I have a hunch that many mental health issues are rooted in poor nutrition.
If you fell and broke your arm, would you go to the hospital? Mental health is more invisible, but just as legitimate.
Might be worth talking to a psychologist to see if you have postpartum depression (PPD), as some in this thread have suggested.
More generally might be good to work on surfing those difficult thoughts, emotions, and impulses. Check out the book THE ILLUSTRATED HAPPINESS TRAP and the Headspace app (for example).
Source: Am psychologist.
https://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Living/dp/1611801575
https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app
Yup that makes three of us, I'm sure there's more people in this subreddit like this.
I know I have lost friends and relationships over this thing, so here's the conclusions that I have reached, please correct me if I'm wrong because I also need the feedback:
Better to be with people that know you are an introvert and know that you are trying your best, than with people that only like you because they think you're an extrovert and as years go by, come to realize that you are not.
THAT being said, I wouldn't begin courting someone by stating that I'm an introvert, I might as well say that I'm shy weirdo, not very sexy (of course, this may change in the future).
(I brought enough grammatical errors for everyone, please don't get excited about pointing them out, English is my second language and I'm at work so I can't proofread what I just wrote)
BOOKS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!! Seriously! I left an emotionally abusive relationship last year and read probably a dozen books (in addition to about 8 months of therapy). I think probably the most interesting, for me, was "Victory over Verbal Abuse" by Patricia Evans because she explained abuse concepts so clearly.
From there, I read other confidence-building books like those from Kristen Neff and Brene Brown.
I'm not sure how recovered I am, but here's what's happened so far!
I'm not sure if you're asking for advice, but here are the things I think are most important in recovery:
And yes, I need to take my own advice, and yes, I need to say those things to myself every day. :-P
I hope that helps! I'm not sure if there's a post with all the great RBN book suggestions, but if there isn't, just tell me and I'll try to comment here with some that have helped me.
(edit: formatting)
It seems that you're finding yourself feeling purposeless and empty. This is generally indicative of a lack or purpose and something that makes you feel satisfied. (That's deep analysis, I know.)
The answer to this situation cannot come from outside of you. The ways other people fill their free time is mostly irrelevant to the fact that you don't feel a deep connection to the things you're doing with yours. The fact that I write in my free time doesn't mean that it'll feel the least bit meaningful as an activity for you.
It's also relevant to consider that your sense of happiness and satisfaction come as much from how you're doing any particular activity as what it is. Two people can be doing the exact same thing, one finding it a miserable slog, the other finding it a true delight. You can only rely on your preferences and your ability to enjoy whatever it is you're doing, everything else is irrelevant.
If you'd like to find greater joy in your life right now, I'd encourage you to take some time to slow down and look at all you've got. See all the things you enjoy but don't even notice. Things like settling into bed after a long day, like waking up before your alarm and getting to get 20 more minutes of sleep, like that first bite of your favorite food. Also consider how fucking awesome your life is. Seriously, 200 years ago you wouldn't have had the luxury of encountering your problem. More than half of the people in the world today don't have the luxury of your problem, etc. Seriously, we can easily lose track of it, but I feel pretty certain that if you have the resources to spend time on Reddit, you're better off than probably 99% of the people that have ever been alive.
I feel like I spent about five years in something resembling the state you describe. I was varying degree of lost, confused, uncertain, and unhappy. No single book, nor person, nor idea is powerful enough to snap you permanently out of it. It comes down to your facing your issues, evaluating them honestly, and taking the steps necessary to get meaning back into your life.
This book helped me a lot. So did keeping a file of quotations I stumbled across that really resonated with me. So did trying new things and seeing what I liked, and didn't. So did doing my best to see what was good about the current situation and facing it with my full attention.
I hope some of this was helpful.
If you have access to medical marijuana you should try one of the high CBD strains that minimize THC. Those are the ones that should help with anxiety and depression most. Strains such as Purple Arrow or Harlequin.
On the other hand, good for you for taking two months off. Be sure to get outside more, studies show 15 minutes of exercise and fresh air makes a lot of difference. Also perhaps explore meditation, I'm starting in on this book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0761159258/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I like this. Makes me think of my own gratitude practice that I do daily, where I literally force myself to write down three things that I'm grateful for each day. It forces you to look for things to be positive about, and before long you become tuned in to that positivity and start seeing it everywhere.
It also reminds me of Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant.
It can seem dumb to people, but it works
The Japanese book The Courage to be Disliked elaborates on that concept. I have found that book really helpful.
I read your story and it's heartbreaking. I cried when I got to the last paragraph. It's just so sad that you feel this way about your life.
You've done amazing things - losing all that weight, 60m 10k, fixing your chronic health problems. Wow, so much dedication and perseverance. Congratulations, it's really impressive and only a tiny percentage of people can do that. It crushes me that you think no other woman would want you. I'm sure that's not true, especially with the physical transformation you've undergone.
Have you tried to do therapy on yourself to recover from your difficult childhood and depression? One book that helped me a lot was The Happiness Trap. You just sound like such a good-hearted, thoughtful person. I hate to think of you suffering like this. You deserve better.
Month six of RP. My last OYS was a few weeks ago.
Owning:
Not Owning:
Wife and I had a big, blow-up fight over the weekend. She's upset that I blame her for everything that's wrong in our marriage. Claims that I don't care about her sexual satisfaction anymore. These are both untrue, and I maintained a good frame in this fight, which I attribute partly to the confidence that RP has helped me build: (1) I'm not afraid of her feelings anymore, and (2) I know I'm in the right. I calmly explained my position, both that night and the next day, when heads were clearer and we'd had sleep, and she eventually came back into my frame. Had great sex that evening.
MRP likes to crap on improving communication in the marriage as a blue/purple-pill thing. I disagree. IMO, it's easy for "communication" to stand in for "let her feelz dictate everything," which is obviously bad, or for comms to overshadow many of the other important means of leadership in the marriage. But once you realize that not all feelings are valid, especially from women, it's easier to ignore the ones you can and help align the others with your leadership. I have to understand where my First Mate is emotionally, and ensure that she feels comfortable talking to me. This makes it a lot easier for me to take us where I want us to go.
I'm glad to help. In that case I suggest also reading Happiness by Matthieu Ricard and The Four Immeasurables by Alan Wallace.
A little background: the four immeasurables are four virtues that according to Buddhist traditions you can train without limitation (that's why they are called "immeasurables"). They are these:
Ignore their Buddhist context if you want. Just follow the simple meditation techniques that cultivate them; I'm sure you will find they are compatible with your existing faith (or lack of it).
Check out this book. You can borrow it for free if you have Kindle + Prime.
No problem. This is something I deal with too. A book that I have found helpful is The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness. It's about Adlerian Psychology which takes an antithetical position to freudian argument that you're defined by your past, rather you use your past to aid in a present goal. That's an over simplification, but the book is great.
Also I'm a big fan of stoicism and would also reccomend the Metitations by Marcus Aurelius. One relevant quote, "people are animals, either live with them or teach them."
Good luck!
My mom, a third grade teacher, uses this in her classroom and loves it.
And I've always thought that there's a lot of stuff someone could do with jedi meditation. They're all about mastering their emotions, seeing reality, etc. Just some quick thoughts. Great idea OP!
Okay so I didn't read the book, but I listened to a podcast where these women try to live by self help books for 2 weeks and they did one on Hygge. I do really enjoy that cozy Christmasy feeling so when it's cold and dark I try to reframe my thinking to embrace the winter.
I have gotten a lot off of Amazon. Like a bunch of cheap cat toys. A screen for my deck door. A comforting book. The world's best chocolate covered cherries. My favorite coffee. This fur throw to go on this chair. And this playpen/sleeper for my been nephew. Amazon's so good.
> "takeaway meals", "bought sweets"
This has nothing to do with carbs. You're eating shitty processed food.
> carbs like french fries
You mean food literally engulfed and soaked with fat?
> I know that being a raw fruitarian for a while brought havoc to my system and I became borderline anorexic and hypoglycemic (possibly due to under-eating).
If you get hypoglycemic on a diet consisting mostly of sugar you're SEVERELY undereating and it has nothing to do with the macros or type of food you're eating. You're going from starving yourself to binging on fat. How about actually eat enough calories from fruits/vegetables/grains/beans/nuts/seeds without needlessly trying to complicate things for yourself?
http://www.amazon.com/The-China-Study-Comprehensive-Implications/dp/1932100660
http://www.amazon.com/Prevent-Reverse-Heart-Disease-Nutrition-Based/dp/1583333002
http://www.amazon.com/Neal-Barnards-Program-Reversing-Diabetes/dp/1594868107
http://www.amazon.com/The-UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Healing/dp/0743570480
http://www.amazon.com/The-Starch-Solution-Regain-Health/dp/1623360277
You can find these books online for free if you don't have the money as well. They have some clinical data and information which will help you understand what's healthy. You don't have to read all of it, but I highly suggest looking in that direction.
I can relate, I have had similar experiences in my marriage. I think you have a good understanding of what is within your control and what is not. You are correct, you can't force her into a self-improvement path and unfortunately, you can't make her happy.
I do think there are some things you can do before making the decision to end the marriage. One of them is to make it clear that there are certain behaviors you are not going to accept. Can she be angry/sad/frustrated? Of course, totally acceptable. Can she abuse you and/or your kids as a coping mechanism? Not acceptable.
I'd recommend Wayne Levine's book as a good source of tools and examples for setting these boundaries. This book may also be informative. You'll notice Stoic themes across both.
Also, reflecting on how you go about applying Stoicism in your own life may help, especially to avoid "evangelizing". I have run into situations where I'm chatting with my wife about some problem she's having and I'd say "I have book X here that can show you what to do!" only to get a huff and an eye-roll back. I find it is more successful to empathize and listen, than to tell her how I would deal with the problem.
Focus on applying Stoicism yourself and on your actions, this situation will require you to remain calm when her temper flares, to remain respectful when you're been disrespected and to live according to your virtues.
Fortune permitting, you and your wife can agree on a path forward.
Baserat på denna boken, ifall någon är intresserad
I hear you; many in healthcare / therapy have a hard time admitting when they themselves need help.
If all you want is a book, try How to Be Miserable: 40 Strategies You Already Use.
That said, I'm just going to say up front that it's called "self-help" for a reason, you can't force /give it to someone else.
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Brain-Work-Strategies-Distraction/dp/0061771295
http://www.amazon.com/Meditations-New-Translation-Marcus-Aurelius/dp/0812968255
http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Awakening-Purpose-Selection/dp/0452289963
If self-help books are your thing you might check out these two inexpensive ones:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Unfuck Yourself
I’m about halfway through the first one and have the second on my shelf to read. No religious bullshit mixed in, and it’s an easy read so far.
A great talk by a great man. His book, "Happiness" is also excellent.
A few other books you might want to add which fit nicely with the Bible (in no particular order):
Read
Howdy, children's behavioral specialist here.
Couple of questions. Has he suffered from any trauma? Is he violent when he's angry or sad or "pissed"? When you say "his behaviors" could you describe his acting out? (Examples of what he actually does, "not minding" is a bad example, "ignores me, stamps his foot, screams, yells" are good examples)
Firstly I'd direct you to "Sitting Still Like a Frog" It's got some excersises that are great for kids like this. I incentivize engagement with these activities with special games and prizes. I talk it up like they are "developing their superpowers".
Practice setting up an auto pilot program when he is escalated. Steps that you both will take when he's pissed. You might lock yourself in the bathroom for five. Do some deep breathing yourself. You might ask him to make a choice to stay in his room, or lose out on screen time privileges. Take an angle with it, and set a controlled box for him to freak out when he is at his limit. Don't struggle with him. Detail "taking a break" and what that looks like instead of "(you're in trouble) time out". Explain to him that everyone needs to take a break sometimes and when he's acting out you might take a break from him.
A good example of what I'm trying to explain: We did a summer camp activity "Summer Superheros". One week we discussed what superheros do when they go to a "Fortress of Solitude" or "Batcave". They plan, prepare and relax for the next activity. So we set up each kids room with fun things they like to do for calming down, (coloring, puzzles, matchbox cars whatever...) and put that on a list in the room. Now the parent can direct the child to choose an activity to do for five minutes. After that, tell the child you'll be in to talk about what's frustrating them.
Lastly, narrating the child's feelings sounds like horseshit, but sometimes its all they need. If they are communicative verbally, (I.e. The amygdala hasn't taken over and made them an animal) even if they are barely making sense, listen to them and validate what they are saying. "It sounds like it was frustrating when you lost your toy" Or "It's hard to change plans and now you're disappointed mom didn't have time to stop at McDonald's." and let them explain their feelings to themselves. Encourage them to do this.
Get back to me and let me know more about your smart kid. PM or here. It's good to hear that he's succeeding in a scholastic environment. It means he has some ability to self regulate. It's the smart ones that have trouble, and he's not throwing chairs through windows, setting fires, or taking a crescent wrench to your car. That's good news.
Have you ever heard of the book The Happiness Trap? My EMDR therapist recommended it and I found it helpful for what you're describing.
Life is pretty hard for almost everyone despite how it looks on the outside. I'm not minimizing or comparing your trauma to anyone's. No matter who you are, you will end up having to fight against the universe at some points in your existence and there's no amount of worrying about it that will prevent it and it will actually make it worse.
One thing that has helped me is recognizing that worrying about stuff that might happen feels pretty much indistinguishable from truly going through the bad thing. If it does really end up happening you'll go through it more than once (maybe dozens of times!). If it doesn't happen then you didn't have to go through it at all. The ones you do go through often are not as bad as we catastrophize. Then a few are going to be legit catastrophes and most of those you will never predict/avoid.
It's not automatic or easy. It's a practice just like anything else and the more you walk/talk yourself through the above logic and tell yourself things are going to be ok... the easier it will be and the more things will begin to feel ok. The anxiety won't go away initially, and it probably never will completely but it will not paralyze you because most important to this... DO NOT EVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE FUCKING CHAMPION!!!
You have survived more than most people have had to bear and you are still standing! Yes, you've got wounds to show for it. Battle scars are a testament to your strength, not proof of weakness! Life was unable to take you out while it was at its worst, it's not going to take you out on your way to recovery because you are going to recognize your immense strength more and more as you walk one step at a time into the unknown and you see it's not as black as it seems!
I get depressed over my body and youth the most. I started having babies and married young and though I didn't get fat I got bad stretch marks. Then I got fat. :-/
How do I cope? By throwing myself into self-improvement. I even get excited about the changes I am making! I could get stuck in the "woe is me"s and I certainly have and still do from time to time but one thing Red Pill has taught me is that we do not have a lot of time at all. No time for moping!
Have you read Athol Kay's Mindful Attraction Plan? I swear that I have never had a conversation with this man let alone am paid by him to promote his books they just are that great.
Another thing is that I find things to keep me busy. I love to read so I make time to read, as one example. It's important to care for yourself because it also lets you know you are worth it to yourself.
glad it does something for you!
so check out the book "The Willpower Instinct" -- the author wanted to teach a class at Stanford about willpower and so she did research and created a class. The class quickly became the number one class to take, and people were taking it multiple times. So she wrote a book.
It's a fantastic book that goes into our "wants" and all the dirty tricks our brain does to us to get us to get things. For example, in cases of things like cakes and sweets, the brain increases blood sugar levels BEFORE you even get close to getting the cake/sweet. Your brain is prepping for getting something before your conscious mind has even thought about it.
The number one most "expensive" thing for a brain to do is to maintain self control. It's figured that the brain spends in sugar about 1/2 of a tic tac for every moment of self control. Humans, do in fact have essentially a video-game like "willpower meter" that gets lower throughout the day.
the book is fascinating - get it.
https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters-ebook/dp/B005ERIRZE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486696583&sr=8-1&keywords=The+willpower+instinct
I grew up studying Phenomenology and existentialism, but that didn't do much for me...lol
and here's the author doing a google talk:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BXuZL1HAg
Also - yes, it's possible to reconfigure our brains. You can do so with things like Cognative Behavioral Therapy (good book - "Mind over mood" and "Feeling Good") and you can get into reframing with Neural Linguistic Programming
you also can go a more extreme route and use operant conditioning which does work (Like when they made a baby afraid of white fluffy things...cruel, but it worked)
https://www.verywell.com/the-little-albert-experiment-2794994
There's a cool device called a "Pavlok" that is basically a shock collar for humans (you wear it on your wrist). when you do something you don't like, you zap yourself. People have quit smoking in 5 days doing this.
You're not a special snowflake, none of us are. It's only through dedicatedly doing shit you don't want to that you can chisel yourself into something better. Improving oneself is difficult because you are both the mason and the block of marbel. its not easy.
You want to develop self control? Realise that you are completely normal and not entitled to anything. Go and read some books ont he science of self control and you would see the fact that you lack it shows that you most likely will not succeed in life no matter how "gifted" you were as a child. You can change this through constant hard fucking work which is essentially all that self control is but thats about it. There are no tricks. Self control is a muscle that is developed through use. Sit down for 4 hours a day and study. WHen you can do that start studying for 5 hours. ect.
it's not easy. Realise that you are nothing without developing yourself and then build yourself up. Anyone can do the work, you are not special, the dedication to work is what differentiates the wannabees from the true acheivers.
As for books on the topic
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business/dp/1400069289
http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Matters-ebook/dp/B005ERIRZE/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368309907&sr=1-1&keywords=self+control
Good luck.
Its dirt cheap on kindle, following along with it did more for our marriage than 4 different marriage counselors over a decade. You just have to follow through. Reading it isn't enough, you have to act. https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU
Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer have published books on self compassion. I haven't read the Germer book but Neff's book is really great.
Also, theres a website that has some meditation practices and other materials that might be useful to you to try out before buying the book. I took a 4 week workshop when I was in graduate school and it was awesome. Its probably hard with your little one, but if you can attend a workshop in person, or even online I think you'll find it to be really helpful.
Trust me when I say, anxiety is tough and its hard for other people to 'react' to someone who has anxiety. People without experience will often try to 'make you feel better' by saying 'oh its ok' or 'what are you even worried about'- which is NEVER what you really want to hear. With self compassion i found that I didn't need to rely on others around me (as much) to help deal with my anxiety.
I'm nearly finished reading Self Compassion by Kirstin Neff and it's been a real life changer within my every day and during meditations.
Take 30 days with a new attitude and find out for yourself. Don't hang your head, don't mope. Approach each interaction with the inherent idea that you matter and you will see what I'm talking about.
Some good reading too:
Un-Fuck Yourself:
https://www.amazon.com/Unfu-Yourself-Your-Head-into/dp/0062803832/ref=asc_df_0062803832/
How To Talk to Absolutely Anyone:
https://www.audible.com/pd/How-to-Talk-to-Absolutely-Anyone-Audiobook/B00EDPVJRG
Six Pillars of Self Esteem:
https://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397
Hey Fish, depression seriously sucks. I've been there and when you lose all hope it can seem impossible to turn things around. But I'm living proof it can be done. I believe in you and think you can too.
Also I hope you don't think I'm giving hollow advice here, but why don't you get this book and look at a different perspective? You might be surprised how you can get some control back and some coping skills.
https://www.amazon.com/Unfu-Yourself-Your-Head-into/dp/0062803832/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1570545237&sr=8-2
You might want to check out the sidebar of /r/meditation for resources. The content in the sub itself these days is a little fluffy... I will plug Real Happiness ( https://www.amazon.com/dp/0761159258/) because I like the author's take on things.
Anyway, you are basically doing it "right." The two ways of thinking about it that help me are:
This catching yourself thing ends up improving just like a muscle. The more regularly you do it, the quicker and more easily happens. When you miss sessions of practice it becomes more difficult.
When I have been consistently meditating daily I function much better. Because I am much quicker at noticing when I have become distracted or when I have spent too much time on reddit, etc. It also helps me to get a better understanding of the fact that sometimes I have negative thoughts, but they are just thoughts I am having. They aren't me. They are a tempting acting troupe that pulls me into a role, but I am just an actor, I am not that role.
Also: any amount of time spent meditating daily is better than none. It's the consistency that is important, at least early on, as opposed to the length.
Hope that helps.
I think you want to read this: http://www.amazon.com/Fuck-Yes-Guide-Acceptance-Everything/dp/0940183218
> a link to a pop science book on Amazon.
b-b-b-b- but but but but...If it's a science book available on Amazon, it has to be empirically accurate, right?
http://www.amazon.com/Dianetics-Modern-Science-Mental-English/dp/140314446X/ref=la_B000AP9H6S_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370807032&sr=1-1
EDIT: OP. I think I know what your issue is. You're being controlled by fear. I have the solution though. Here ya go fella...enjoy the sweet bliss of surrender
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQxt9kSY0jU
FWIW: I just recently finished (listened on Audible) the book "The Courage to be Disliked..." which is based on the psychology of Alfred Alder. I was completely unaware of Adler and his model of psychology but this book has literally blown my mind. I believe that this book can be invaluable to newly out Exmo's due to the way it addresses how to live one's own life authentically, how to set boundaries, how to be unconcerned or unaffected by what others may think of you, and what is freedom in life and how to achieve it.
Here are a few of the chapter titles that deeply impacted me that might give you an idea of the content of this book..Ch. 12: "All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems", Ch. 25: "Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others", Ch. 26: "How to Separate Tasks" (this is boundary setting), Ch. 27: "Discard other People's Tasks" (more boundary setting), Ch. 51: "The Courage to Be Normal" (acceptance of life and problems)
I had the same problem. Similar actually. I basically stop doing what I was criticized for in my childhood.
And it was getting as bad as yours. I ended up suicidal thoughts because how bad my situation was. The only thing that stopped me of pills was living in US where you have to pay for your health care and it's not cheap. I looked around for cheaper option, I had to, my my income couldn't cover it. And I could not qualify for ACA help.
What I did is joining a CODA workshops. It is something based on 12 step program. There I learned that I am not responsible for other people feelings. There I learned that I am OK, that I am enough. That I am not a piece of trash.
Anyway, due to religion requirement I couldn't stomach the program and I left the program after one year, and started doing something on my own, basically thinking about and working through my own reactions, my own believes my own emotions. It helps when you realize what is behind. What is fueling your reaction and behavior, what you ended up believing about yourself. I also used exercises from book getting past over your past https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Self-Help-Techniques/dp/1609619951 it helped me get rid of my fear and reluctance to do stuff. In my case it was housework, not math as with you. I was incapable to keep my house clean. Now that changed, I have lovely comfortable living Environment.
I don't know of any UU-specific books, but in the spirit of UU, maybe it's better to offer a variety of perspectives?
Currently dealing with this as well, even down to the frank discussion of, "this will end at some point."
I have no advice, but am hoping to read some of the advice given to you in hopes it'll help me. Hang in there miss.
​
I have a feeling though that we're just bound to have our hearts broken dangit! My therapist suggest this book to possibly help with anxiety: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1611801575/ Working through it now.
Update: had a discussion this morning about this and that and she kinda ended it with, I’m not sure why we need to keep saying there will be an end. Why? We’re enjoying this and I’m enjoying you, I don’t see any reason to end a good thing. So, that’s kinda neat I guess. :)
I really enjoyed Sapiens, and I'm picking up some more of the author's books soon. Fascinating theories on why humans developed language, money, art, religion... All of it. Well worth your time.
Becoming Who We Need To Be was a good (short) read. I'm a fan of the author's work already (particularly his podcast), and the book is a thought-provoking look at a wide variety of topics. More a collection of essays than anything.
Jordan Peterson gets a fair bit of stick, but I found 12 Rules for Life to be quite a powerful read. I don't agree with all of what he writes, but there are some very good lessons in here for sorting one's shit out. A lot of it very obvious now that I've read it, but sometimes you need things spelling out for you.
Religious or not, I would encourage anyone to read The God Delusion. Dawkins is quite militant in his atheism, but it does present a lot of good arguments as to why religion isn't necessary for a person to act morally.
How To Be Miserable resonated with me quite a lot. Bits of it are in a similar vein to 12 Rules for Life, but essentially it's a self-help book that's approaching the matter from the slightly tongue-in-cheek perspective of wanting to make yourself as miserable as possible (ie. don't do these things). Another fairly short, but quite enjoyable read.
​
Bonus fiction recommendation:
The Way of Kings. I just got finished reading this last night, and oh boy was it good. It's an absolute tome at 1200 pages, but it's a proper un-put-down-able. Really great work of fantasy, with some outstanding worldbuilding, fascinating characters, and one of the best climaxes I've read in years.
How to Be Miserable
(1) Yoga breaths. Breathe in through your nose, slowly and deeply, using your diaphragm muscles. (Your tummy should expand, not your chest.) Hold that breath for about five seconds. Breath out slowly through your mouth, taking about ten seconds.
(2) Read or listen to Your Brain at Work.
I know I talked about this book like two weeks ago, so sorry for the repeat but I've had a bit of free time to get into reading The Little Book of Hygge and I am loving it! Its really light reading, talking about making your living space and life more comfortable/homey. I haven't read a lot of it yet, but its really letting me justify that I have like ten candles hanging around my little apartment haha
I love The Little Book of Hygge - it's a fun read!
You might also like The Cozy Life. It is very similar.
I also enjoyed The Nordic Theory of Everything. It's not about hygge particularly. It's more about relationships and Danish culture/lifestyles, but it's a nice read.
And this might be an odd recommendation, but I love to read children's books like [The Christmas Wish] (https://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Wish-Lori-Evert/dp/0449816818), The Polar Express, and The Snowman - and not just at Christmastime! They're a great way to spend 15 minutes relaxing by the window on a cool, rainy evening.
Happy reading!
The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465028020?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062803832?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Has anyone read his book, which was mentioned in the article? http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/0316167258
William Dement has a very readable book that is neither dumbed-down nor fluff; "The Promise of Sleep". It is frankly out of date, and contains some controversial and speculative bits, but it is much better than a lot of the things I've seen in recent askscience comments.
I would do your research on getting hormone replacement therapy, many doctors are very quick to follow protocol that has been designed by major drug companies so a lot of them are quick to push quick fixes like this as well as other medications.
3 Common factors of low testosterone in males from a natural standpoint are:
Start taking baby steps to cut out any refined sugars from your diet. From there, try to get most of your carbohydrates from vegetables and eventually even limit things like fruit. This also means cutting back drastically on alcohol (like a couple times a month have a couple drinks)
Go for short duration but intense exercise.
Give your diet a complete makeover, taking baby steps to get there.
Dr. Mark Hyman "The UltraMind Solution"
http://www.amazon.com/The-UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Healing/dp/0743570480
Stephen Harrod Buhner "The Testosterone Plan"
http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Testosterone-Plan-Sexual-Health/dp/1594771685/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1410570863&sr=1-2&keywords=the+testosterone+plan
Read this too:
http://www.dynamicchiropractic.com/mpacms/dc/article.php?id=56899
See my answer above, but also the book Real Happiness by Sharon Salzberg is a 28 day program that helps you develop a daily practice. Get the one that comes with a CD of guided meditations.
Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation: A 28-Day Program https://www.amazon.com/dp/0761159258/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_aSa3AbYJA4GXQ
Also, I have found it incredibly helpful to join a weekly group, or sangha, which is the Buddhist term for community. Having a good teacher and a supportive group makes a big difference. There seems to be a little something extra when you practice with a group, you can get into a deeper state, quicker and stay longer. Maybe it’s just the shared intention of everyone showing up, wanting to experience freedom, that helps commitment. I dunno, I don’t believe in the airy-fairy stuff. But it helps.
Check out this book! Just reading it lifts my mood. It teaches you different types of meditation and how to be mindful. The most valuable thing I learned from it was learning how to not feel every little thing so acutely in your life - from feelings to simple stuff like learning how not to let sudden noises startle or irritate you.
Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation: A 28-Day Program
Of course! https://www.amazon.com/Dianetics-Modern-Science-Mental-English/dp/140314446X/
/s
You're welcome.
the first stage of the group was from the book Dianetics, which is pseudo-psychology published in 1950 (review might be helpful in confirming that this book has no religious or philosophical components)
http://www.amazon.com/Dianetics-Modern-Science-Mental-English/dp/140314446X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422132319&sr=8-1&keywords=dianetics&pebp=1422132323333&peasin=140314446X
the next stage was the establishment of Scientology, which was imo philosophy and not religion *yes, it was called a church for tax purposes, but the organization didn't really have any religious beliefs at the time, although they certainly had philosophical beliefs)
Imo the religion phase started with the Xenu "Space Opera" which LRH likely started writing in 1966 and probably was first promulgated to the leaders of the movement in 1968 (based on LRH's "take the plunge" statement about himself in Dec 1967).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xenu
The article contains the view that the religion phase was more fully implemented in response to 1971 court case. I used to have a copy of this, but sadly lost it moving around the world (TGFI - thank god for internet ;) )
http://www.xenu.net/archive/media/time910605.html (search for "1971" to find the quote I'm referring to)
It's hard, and the fear seems like sticky tar that won't shake off.
You're young and have an exciting long journey of improvement ahead of you.
The core thing to focus on is self-confidence, but what does that mean?
Confidence that you are good enough just as you are, because honestly, even though I know almost nothing about you, you really are. Learn to define your self worth from within, because there is literally only one person on this planet who has the right to define that worth. You can choose to define yourself by the irrational fear of how the 'other' perceives you, but what you're really doing is defining yourself by your own self-consciousness, which is in fact yourself anyway. Learn to love yourself and no amount of hate or doubt will crack your spirit.
If you're worried about your looks, then work on them. Not because others will like you more, but for the pure and simple personal reason that it will make you feel better. Get acne medicine, face wash, workout, and eat well. Always treat yourself with the advice you would give someone you loved.
The last thing you ever want to do is approach girls with neediness. It makes you nervous because there are stakes at play, and it bleeds through your body language. You said you're fine talking with other guys, probably because you don't need anything from them. They are not tied to your self worth as it seems you've done so for women. You need a girlfriend because everyone else has one, there's something wrong with you because you don't. Fuck that.
One last thing, don't put all the pressure on keeping an interesting conversation on yourself, it makes no sense to do this. Conversation is a two way street, if you ask an open ended question and they don't give an interesting response or enough material then that's not on you.
'What do you do for fun?'
"I dunno, watch movies..."
You'll feel pressure, don't fucking say 'cool...'. I've seen so many conversations die because of this.
The most valuable thing you can do is become comfortable with the pressure and silence. Fight the pressure to say something. In fact, do this, next time you find yourself in a conversation, or a group conversation, pause and count 2-3 full seconds everytime someone finishes saying something. Only then can you say something. It might feel awkward, but just trust me, get used to it.
The most interesting thing to most people is themselves, learn to become interested in that (what makes the other person tick) and conversations become naturally interesting. That's the important thing, what makes people tick. 'Oh you like rap music? That's pretty aggressive music, are you an aggressive person?'. The topic of conversation doesn't matter, because they are all avenues to get to know who the other person is.
EDIT: One last book...
I'm going to piggyback that Buddha statement. The Accidental Buddhist gave me such great insight. I try to implement Buddhist philosophy into my life and it has helped me immensely. I cannot even express how much happier I am since I decided to do this.
This was also a nice, short read and helped put me in a nice mindset.
Both of these books are available on kindle unlimited by the way! :)
Found it. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1501197274 I didn’t like it that much but maybe you will.
My favorite book for this is Sitting Still Like a Frog. I teach middle school band, and the main part of our building has been mostly chaos this year. I use techniques in this to get my class focused when they come in the door and keep them from bringing the chaos inside as much as possible.
It doesn't always work;I mean, cmon, they're 12 years old. It does, however, give me a fighting chance.
/u/jugglegod, are you female? I ask because female ADHD plays out a lot differently than what has been generally assumed/stigmatized as typical symptoms. Here is a helpful article discussing the gender bias in diagnosis & how many go undiagnosed under the radar-- like I had!
To answer your question, I am an ENFP with diagnosed female ADHD. This was a good read for me yesterday that /u/sonofkratos submitted to the subreddit-- its about ENFP but you will be able to draw some similarities between behavioral attributes in this article and attributes of female ADHD.
I wasn't formally diagnosed until 2011 (age 21), so I have only been on medication for it since then. It has been extremely helpful in addition to methods I use to approach my symptoms.
A really important point I want to make clear is that in NO way did a diagnosis give me an excuse to use in my interactions with others for the way I am. It empowered me to approach my behavior (INTERrpersonal reactionary & INTRApersonal empathy) with cautionary methods to keep me on track.
The diagnosis helped me understand WHY I was frustrated/depressed--
TL;DR I guess my coping methods are ways of constantly nagging myself-- but my biggest gain has been in developing personal empathy and emotional intelligence. As an ENFP, we're highly emotional/passionate, overthink things, and have trouble with relationships by reacting poorly to those that are close to us when we hold them to our often high (and perhaps unrealistic) expectations.
These two books (here) and (here) have recently helped me a lot in the areas where my ADHD and ENFP collide.
Good luck and sorry for the lengthy post!
There is a free app called "ACT Coach" available on iOS and Android.
The Happiness Trap: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004XI12O8/
Your Life on Purpose: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004LLII08
Free Resources and videos: https://thehappinesstrap.com/free-resources/
I was able to get a lot out of the self-help stuff but after that working with a therapist helped me fine-tune things because they are able to ask good questions I didn't think of or give additional clarifying examples.
My local library had both books so you can probably get them for free that way then buy them if they're helpful
Mindset, and the ability to stick with things, matters more than the path you choose. How to get the right mindset? Read or listen to things that help you attain the mindset you need to conquer your obstacles. It's like hanging around with ultra-successful people who are mentoring you every day. Here are some good things to read or listen to:
A TL;DR of the mindset you're going for: There are some things you can control and some you can't. For the things you can't control, don't worry about them! For the things you can control, be like a blazing fire that consumes anything that stands in its way. If you have even an ounce of control over something, master yourself and push will all your might against the obstacle.
Aside from sheer hunger, there also might be a psychological issue related to willpower at play for some of us. McGonigal cites research suggesting that when we effectively discipline our selves in one area, we often turn around and, against better judgment and perhaps outside of our awareness, give ourselves license to indulge in another area. I don't know what the quantifiable differences are upon hunger from a 5, 10, 15+ mile run, but I do know that the more I run, the more I tend to fudge on good choices later that day. Might just be me though.
So, where to find a husband....
Make yourself a list of all the traits you'd like your ideal husband to have. Done? Good.
Step one: Take a good look at that list. Really look at it. What kind of wife do you think a man like that would like to have?
Step two: Become that woman. In other words, MAP. This book will help. Become the best version of you that you can be.
Step three: Hang out in places you'd like your future husband to hang out. The grocery store, libraries, museums, the gym, farmer's markets and such tend to be good places to start.
Step four: Make eyes at your future husband. If he's Alpha, he'll take care of the rest.
The book sounds interesting, I’m putting it on my TBR. In kind of the same vein, I can recommend The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal (amazon, audible). She has some talks on youtube, too, but I haven’t watched those, so I can’t vouch for them. I assume they summarise the ideas of her course/book, though.
Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Work on yourself, and figure out what is different about the person you were when things were working well in the bedroom versus the person you are now.
Are you in the same shape you were 7 years ago? Are you as interesting? Are you as strong, independent, confident then as you are now?
You do understand that the work doesn't stop when you get married and have kids, right? In fact, it's just getting started.
Date her. Every day.
Realize foreplay is something that happens the other 23 1/2 hours a day, not 5 minutes before she drops those pajama bottoms. Do not ever negotiate desire (that "acts of service" and "choreplay" stuff is never, ever going to work).
Don't beg for sex, don't expect it, and don't get butthurt when it doesn't happen, or it will just get worse, because you will make yourself someone she doesn't respect. If you can find the man you were before, she'll find the woman she was, too.
Unlike another commenter, I'd strongly suggest staying as far away from /r/DeadBedrooms as possible, unless you want to feel better about people who are worse off than you. Hanging out in that sub just made things worse for me.
A good starting point for you might be The Man's Guide to Women. and after that I'd suggest the Mindful Attraction Plan and Mating in Captivity.
And throw that Five Love Languages book in the trash.
It's not called the Five Fuck Languages for a very good reason.
Get sexy for you. When you feel sexy, other people notice. I lost a lot confidence bc of my db, too. But I know I look good, and it makes me carry myself differently. Im not gorgeous but i get attention (i think) because i feel good.
Getting to the point you feel sexy takes work, but it's worth it.
This book changed my life https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU
Yeah of course you can pray for this.
Heck, you oughtta pray for this. More people would be happier if they had prayed daily for a good spouse before they found and married one.
Here's a good old Catholic prayer for a young man to meet a future spouse.
Wait.....Are you talking about making a specific gal fall in love with you? I mean you can pray for that, but you should also just....work on making yourself more appealing to that person. Find out their interests, get involved with them somehow, and work on improving your appearance, manners, and conversational skills.
In the vein of personal improvement, I'd suggest reading maybe the Mindful Attraction Plan and....gosh, maybe No More Christian Nice Guy.
Two other little comments:
>almost no social life
This is certainly fixable
>and I don't exist in social media(except reddit and whatsapp)
Haha this does not matter at all, in fact being on Facebook 24/7 or getting sucked into the latest Twitter outrages are severely unattractive to good women.
Thank you.
> It's you as a husband realizing one day after years of confusion, peril, depression, anger and frustration that the woman you married is an actor. A mirage. A big beautiful wall surrounding a core of pain, hurt, shame and guilt. A wall you will never (nor do you want to) step inside and share the burden. It is impenetrable.
Yup.
Not to over-analyze, but she was a high achiever. She had a ton of things going right. Awesome college, high GPA, incredible attention to detail, well organized, a couple of major interests she excelled at that were promising.
We get married and she ends up working at KinderCare. (A philosophy degree from an awesome college but no grad degree, but poor interview skills, gets you that, I think.)
When kids come she homeschools. Now 14 years later, she's destroyed my reputation in front of the older kids (they can only hear dad screwed up X again or "I can't trust you" so many times). So they don't trust me at all (like, don't trust me to drive them to soccer). So mom has to do everything. Which is exausting.
So the new attack from her is "I have no ambition; I have no future. I was so promising! I was so bright and shining! Now I am exhausted! And you get rewarded for being a terrible father with free time, since the kids don't want you around! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
I guess I'm asking how the terrible fall from grace happened. I think I enabled it. As I backed off to make her happy, she had to take more and more responsibility for the family. She had to become more masculine. This drove her crazy.
So it was a self-destructive cycle I arguably enabled. For now, I am interested in ideas to disrupt it but stay in the house. Married Red Pill at least helped me stay sane and set up a few boundaries. (EG Althol Kay's Mindful Attraction Plan: https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU/ )
Going through similar stuff. Focus on yourself and your daughter. Be cordial with your wife and no more. I know this is a tough road. I'm on it, but things will resolve eventually. In the meanwhile, read this book. It has been key to helping me through my situation. All the best, mate and feel free to PM if you need a sounding board.
0- stop gambling
1- sidebar books
2- MAP will be key
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00DINECUU/
His MMSLP2011 book is part of the sidebar. But you sound so lost I think you need some tactical guide- not just a lot of really deep and good ideas. DO read the rest of the side bar but the MAP will help you identify specific areas of your life that are deficient help you rank them and task you with improving them each.
How does one even start?
You put your head down and put one foot in front of the other and keep fucking going. Action not words and thoughts alone.
So, I looked over your posting history before making this list. It seems like you have a confident head on your shoulders and understand women reasonably well.
Whatever catches your interest. :D
Maybe try The Willpower Instinct because it's got a lot of interesting information on how willpower seems to work, it's not simply a self help book.
I've also been working on changing the words I use internally towards myself. For example if my day or week of eating gets out of hand I try not to think to myself that I'm a "fucking idiot." Once I pictured sitting across the room from myself and using the same language in a discussion I realized that person was not someone I wanted to spend time with. I don't have to be so cruel towards myself, I'm already having a tough enough time as is.
Also I'm trying to recognize the fact that I cannot help how I feel or what kind of craving I have, but it doesn't mean I need to act on it. I'm the one in control of my physical actions.
Of course... it helps if I try to set myself up for the best success possible. I try to have snacks and meal that are more filling and not carb based because I know they will sustain me for longer. Having a cheese stick, or egg, or small salad, or etc if I'm going too long between meals means that I have a better chance of making a healthier choice later.
$3,753.93 saved, 7,507 cigs not smoked, 31 days saved.
Those stats are awesome but not even the best thing about not smoking. The freedom I have gained is the singlemost best thing about it.
For my 500 days I would like to recommend a book I am currently reading for those of you who like to read:
The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why it Matters...
Bonus edit:
21 lessonsfrom the willpower instinct
I can empathize with your post. I have some similar tendencies and issues.
Some thoughts/questions:
One thing that I would expect to tie into the lack of responsibility you've shown is having to be accountable. If you slack off / don't do things, do you have consequences? Or is it that you're aware of them, and then do enough to not get bitten too hard by them?
Lastly, just something to throw out there. I'm currently reading this book on willpower and find it fascinating. Maybe there's something in there for you too.
Best wishes to you. I hope you find some answers.
Hey, it sounds like you have normal symptoms of depression. Depressed individuals often feel periods of low self-esteem, lack of interest in things normally enjoyed, and feelings of being unmotivated or stuck. Are you seeing a therapist for it?
I think a lot of depressed individuals sometimes don't realize, that depression often causes some pretty inaccurate thinking (you don't just feel bad like most people think, but your reasoning is also thwarted at times). There was actually a study where they took people that were going through depression and measured their ability to define the meaning of parables and sayings and it was shown that some of their ability was hampered.
Where am I going with this? I bet a lot of the harsh things you tell yourself aren't completely true, and I bet you probably maximize the faults in yourself (like zooming in onto a flaw) and probably minimize the good things about yourself. You probably mess up sometimes, but it isn't true that its all the time. It is impossible to mess up all the time. It is also impossible also to never have "earned" anything at your age. If you've ever done any homework, paid attention in class, or passed a single class, you've earned that. Also, you might feel like people don't take you seriously, but feeling doesn't mean that's true. Unless they say something, you can't read their minds. That might be the depression talking to you.
You are a senior in college, so it actually sounds like you're doing pretty ok in reality, even if you don't feel that way. Not everyone needs to have a job in college. (I don't work right now and I think that is a very very good thing.)Your parents sound like hard workers, but I think comparing yourself to them is probably not helping you much. I also don't see any issue with living with your parents during college. It saves a lot of money.
Therapy is probably your best bet. I'm not someone who has depression, (I instead deal with anxiety and was sort of born with self esteem) but I do read self-help books related to depression.
Here are a few that I've enjoyed, maybe you'd like browsing through some of these. I think it is a great idea for you to develop some tools for dealing with this and ebooks can be a way to start.
http://islamiconlineuniversity.com/counseling/resources/David%20Burns%20-%20Feeling%20Good.pdf This is a book that will help you practice cognitive behavior therapy. I like to do some of the exercises in this book. It focuses on helping you get a bit more active and also combating negative thoughts. It can seem silly sometimes, but try it out. I kind of love it.
Little book of contentment: http://zenhabits.net/little-book/
This is a nice and short book just intended for anyone to read. I think it makes some smart points. It is good for working on your self-esteem and moods.
The happiness Trap could be beneficial to you as well. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004XI12O8/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1
This will introduce you to ACT (Acceptance and commitment therapy), which is another technique you can use to deal when sudden negative thoughts pop into your head or you suddenly just feel down.
http://images.kw.com/docs/2/1/2/212345/1285134779158_htwfaip.pdf
A book by Dale Carnegie you can use to spice up your social skills.
Hope that helps a bit. Learning to manage moods and feelings takes work and time, but I think progressively a person can learn to deal better.
I can't remember where I first heard it, so I use it liberaly. I think it was from a book on brain plasticity, but I know there are specific books about it and how to hack your brain so that it is with less frequency the scumbag brain meme.
http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Hacks-Tools-Using-Brain/dp/0596007795/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1324358518&sr=8-3
and
http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Performance-Hacks-Tools-Overclocking/dp/0596101538/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1324358518&sr=8-1
I haven't read any of these ones yet, but if you are interested in one with great citations that I think is one of the best collections of what could be called brain hacks: 'Your Brain At Work.' by David Rock.
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Brain-Work-Strategies-Distraction/dp/0061771295/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324358628&sr=1-1
I can say nothing but good things about this book.
This book doesn't have self-affirmation in it, but it's otherwise very in-depth about this gap between self-control and non, and applications of the way our minds work that have come out of brain research over the past 10 years. Here's the author's Google Talk. Very much recommended if you haven't already seen it, it's radical, at least in the last half, IIRC.
The book: Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long .
(and no I'm not David Rock nor associated, it's just a bunch of mind-blowing stuff if you haven't seen it).
There's a related one in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Your-Brain-Work-Strategies-Distraction/dp/0061771295
They showed that a person's maximal effort in a physical task was less when they were not completely focused on it. The participants with divided attention were not able to produce as much force.
My personal experience is that when I'm producing any useful power output on a stationary bike, it's very difficult to be actively engaged in any other task. Music or simple movies are ok. I've tried playing video games, and it was not enjoyable, since the riding suffered, and the gaming was sub-par at best.
The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets to Happy Living
Listened to it in an afternoon and it inspired me to reflect on what actually makes me happy- warm spaces, quality time with friends, a good chair. Could incorporate many of these for very cheap or for nothing at all. (In fact, showing how much money you spend and/or spending a lot is frowned upon!)
I listened via OverDrive, making it free. However, I would probably even buy this if I found a good used deal.
https://www.amazon.com/Little-Book-Hygge-Danish-Secrets/dp/0062658808
Hygge helper.
I've deleted a lot of porn and reduced Facebook to once a week. I felt I was being a pussy as well but what planted the idea to be more assertive was reading a book called "unfuck yourself" It helped me begin the reduction of porn and social media.
For me, music is fine but ill be deleting my reddit account at the end of the year, i feel it can put me in a bad mood, I used to hit up a political sub (hence the username) but after realizing how unhappy I was, I reduced the reddit subs I looked at and my YouTube sub count from 100 to 10.
Small steps but I'm feeling more positive and happier.
the book: https://www.amazon.com/Unfu-Yourself-Your-Head-into/dp/0062803832
There’s a pretty good book about this exact problem: https://www.amazon.com/Unfu-Yourself-Your-Head-into/dp/0062803832/ref=nodl_
Thank you so much for your reply. The appointment went really well yesterday. It is always difficult going to a complete stranger and not knowing if you will be compatible and worrying that they will not be able to help you. After I posted yesterday, I went out and had a really great, super easy 10 miler, so I'm feeling not so terrible about training haha.
My husband recently found this book Unfu*k Yourself and it is also really helping me change the way I think and feel about myself and my life. It's not really like any other self-help kind of book I've ever tried to read (if you couldn't tell by the title) and I have picked up quite a few. I highly recommend you check it out. I don't have much time to myself for reading, but it is on Audible and the author even reads it himself which is fun because he's Scottish so he's got a really great accent.
I would suggest some reading or youtubing on meditation. Matthieu Ricard is great for this sort of thing.
Matthieu Ricard on happiness/meditation:
Ah, well best of luck. I definitely know how miserable that can be. A couple of words of wisdom if you've never meditated before:
Deciding to start meditating was one of the most life-changing decisions I've ever made, so I'm excited for you and hope you feel the same down the road. There are plenty of books to read, but for new mediators, 10% Happier is a good place to start. I wasn't a fan of the style of writing but the information is worth it. He has a couple of good book recommendations in there there that you can continue with afterwards, too.
One last suggestion regarding your sleep problems is the book The Promise of Sleep: A Pioneer in Sleep Medicine Explores the Vital Connection Between Health, Happiness, and a Good Night's Sleep https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509017/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_J9z0Bb2APF2YG
This book really helped me understand sleep on a new level and helped me identify new strategies for tackling sleep issues. It sounds like you're already on top of those strategies, but I remember how desperate I was when I was suffering from insomnia and was ready to try anything to get a good night's sleep, so there you go.
The Ultramind Solution by M.D. Mark Hyman
AMAZING, changed my life in profound ways and never seen something like this.
https://www.amazon.com/UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Brain-Healing/dp/0743570480
Check this out man. I think it will help you put yourself in a position to succeed. You don't have to be an invincible superhero with perfect willpower. Put yourself in a position to succeed and that tank will become something a lot less intimidating. And then you can do what you need to do. In concrete terms, my invitation is to study nutrition, and make sure you are eating as well as you can in this difficult time.
In my limited experience though, this book is awesome. It's a long read, but incredibly fascinating and elucidating. Alternatively you could check out Mark Hyman's (the author) videos on Youtube. You asked for a weapon, and this is a weapon. Not motivation or sympathy. I think it can help you out
http://www.amazon.com/The-UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Healing/dp/0743570480.
I know the subtitle says ('the way to beat depression, anxiety, etc.). I think that's misleading. Everyone needs to know this stuff, and it can help everyone. Even if you don't identify with those labels
Theres a book about it and a healthy brain diet called https://www.amazon.com/UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Brain-Healing/dp/0743570480
Yep, The Ultramind Solution is a diet specifically designed for maximum cognitive functioning; I have been using this for a few years now.
These books helped me:
https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265423
https://www.amazon.com/Real-Happiness-Meditation-28-Day-Program/dp/0761159258/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=SN2FXVZ6H0FJK2JRJZ16
As 10% Happier, it was helpful for me to hear a scientifically-based, non-religious, non-spiritual grounds for meditation.
This one is a good one too. Short and effective, also comes with a CD.
Please write a book about apatheism. I'm thinking something along the lines of Fuck, yes! A Guide to the Happy Acceptance of Everything by the reverend Wing Fu Fing. I think you would enjoy reading this book if you can find it...it's out of print and only occasionally available through Amazon. If you don't write a book about it, I might have to do it myself and I really just want to sleep.
And if you want to more obscure but real religions:
And if you want to be very snarky:
I swallowed my pride and started reading/listening to self help books. Based on other people's recommendations:
www.amazon.com/dp/0767921968 - funny and made me feel better if just for a few days; somewhat targeted towards women but I found it helpful
www.amazon.com/dp/1478121734 - finished it in less than hour and trying to follow its mantra.. strangely, I think it might be helping. Too early to tell but it's interesting.
I e-borrowed the first one from my library. Maybe possible with the second one too.
This very short book has helped: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Depends/dp/1478121734
The premise of the book is that loving yourself cures depression. I don't love myself, but one of his recommendations is to ask yourself when feeling depressed "if I loved myself would I put myself through this experience?". Strangely, it works at times. I think to myself if I loved myself like I love my partner then I wouldn't put my partner through whatever it is I am experiencing at that time.
I'm not a fan of self help books, but it's only short. It has made me think about how I can start to love myself, instead of hate myself!
I reached a really low point a few years back where I was thinking about suicide. As I thought about how crappy everything was, I had a thought that made me wonder - "Mormonism isn't the way to happiness but I wonder if science has figured out the best ways to find happiness?"
That led to me doing some research about happiness, which is largely found in the field of positive psychology. I realized I could retrain my mind to be happy independent of my circumstances (no matter how good or bad they are) by doing a few simple things.
The things that made the biggest difference when I was at my lowest point were meditation using the mantras from this book: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Depends/dp/1478121734/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414870961&sr=8-1&keywords=love+yourself+like+your+life+depends+on+it
The thing that has made the biggest difference long term is exercise (start now).
Things can and will get better. The trick right now is just convincing yourself that this is true. I'm here to tell you it is. You can do this. It may not seem like it, but you can.
What exactly is causing these depressive cycles? Addressing the symptoms and not the root cause is like running on a hamster wheel. You haven't given any hints but ill take a leap... Have you heard of the book, The courage to be disliked.
https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1501197274
I'd recommend several books by Barbara Sher, but especially including this one, Refuse to Choose and an older book called Wishcraft. Her style is more about how to be strategic in planning and taking actions to get you on the right path rather than a detailed business plan.
I'm the same way. I'd like to recommend two things...
These are the "find a therapist" directories for somatic experiencing and EMDR.
If you can't find a therapist near you, then it is still probably helpful to read some books about those approaches and why they're helpful so that you're informed about how trauma and treating it works as you work on it yourself.
Somatic Experiencing - In An Unspoken Voice.
EMDR - Getting Past Your Past and Tapping In.
DBT - you can get workbooks that you use yourself that go over the different DBT skills. I used this one with my therapist, but this one is also highly rated.
Honestly, I'm in a similar boat. ACA (Adult Children) has been an extremely affordable help (it's basically free/by donation).
Also books. Francine Shaparino has a DIY edmr book. Pete Walker is another good author.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Self-Help-Techniques/dp/1609619951/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383065629&sr=8-1&keywords=emdr
This is a great book for teaching mindfulness to youngsters: https://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Still-Like-Frog-Mindfulness/dp/1611800587/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482599567&sr=8-1&keywords=sit+like+a+frog
It's wonderful that you are teaching mindfulness. I wish you well.
Also I just read "The Illustrated Happiness Trap" (currently reading the full version now) and it's pretty phenomenal. Worth a look.
Ah, well, get the book then until you can get out of Japan
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1611801575/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=0ZHK3S4PVCJ4RCPR954G&dpPl=1&dpID=51Lcde%2BWq6L
The video is based off How to be Miserable: 40 Strategies You Already Use.
You are fortunate to be in treatment with a therapist who understands CEN. If they haven't mentioned reparenting you might bring that up as a way to give yourself the nurturing that you missed as a child:
https://yourholisticpsychologist.com/what-is-reparenting-and-how-to-begin/
A way to be less at the mercy of your emotions is a mindfulness technique. One would practice viewing thoughts and emotions as passing events rather than getting caught up in them. This book covers several methods for doing that (from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy):
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living-ebook/dp/B004XI12O8/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Again be grateful that you're in a position to resolve this and go on to a successful, happy life.
One aspect of feeling down is that it appears that things will always be as they currently are. So I am not just dealing with the way I feel at the moment, but the fear that this is all there is to my life experience. This aspect, that of projecting the current circumstances forward indefinitely deserves to be called into question.
Firstly, unless I have some supernatural ability to see the future, I cannot know what the future will actually be like. But more importantly, this presumption-based fear is preventing me from actually experiencing exactly how good/bad this moment feels right now, based on it's own merit, free of the idea that things will always be just like this. I like to use a technique I call 'going down town' with it. For example, if I have a head ache, instead of taking an aspirin, I'll sit quietly and focus on the exact sensation of pain, going to the very center of it with my attention, and inviting the pain to increase as intensely as it intends. In many cases, I've witnessed full blown head aches disappear within minutes using this approach.
It wasn't the headache that was bothering me, it was not wanting a head ache that was the actual problem! And many times, so it is with my emotions. If I open myself up to the possibility that things could get better, I move away from that presumptuous fear and toward a more neutral mind set, at least. What I find then, is that as bad as things are right now, I'm still breathing! And at the very bottom, I will sometimes think of the expression, 'you can't get blood from a stone'. That numbness that I feel at the bottom is actually protecting me! Wow, as bad as things are I'm still here. At a certain point, I began to see that no matter how bad things get, I can be present in the moment and experience this moment fully.
I've been in a place where I couldn't even imagine things getting any better. The deepest, darkest of lows with inexplicable, poignant and piercing emotional pain. And in that moment, I vowed to myself that I would never die by my own hand. I could not imagine thriving, so I was left with the option of surviving, and that was all I could focus on.
I couldn't see it then, but that focus on survival saw me through until eventually I could imagine the possibility of my life improving. And later saw glimpses of actual thriving, and today I see it even more clearly and these past 10 years have seen the return of that undefinable appreciation for life, that spark that ignites a burning love in my chest.
Last year, a relatively new friend and romantic interest of mine, took her own life. I knew she was struggling. We had a date to go for a walk around the lake here in my neighborhood. I was going to give her this book: The Happiness Trap (http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Trap-Struggling-ebook/dp/B004XI12O8/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1)
It would be highly presumptive for me to think that any of this will speak to how exactly you are feeling right now, but I really just want to express that you are not alone in the general way that you feel, and that someone actually cares. I would sign off with a quote from Valerie in V for Vendetta as though they were my own words:
"I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you."
I was introduced to self-compassion by my first counselor a few years back and it's really made a difference in my life. Let's see... Wikipedia has a decently succinct page about it if you want to see if it's really something you're interested in. Beyond that, there aren't a ton of articles on the topic in psych literature because it was only formally introduced in the west in 2003 by Kristen Neff, but there are some studies indicating that it may be useful for helping people dealing with anxiety and depression. I don't have any of them on me right now, but if you search for "self-compassion" in Google Scholar, articles do turn up, many by Kristen Neff. Speaking of Dr. Neff, I found her book to be helpful in understanding the concepts involved in self-compassion as well as finding ways to implement some of the ideas in daily life through exercises that she includes. She also has a website with a little more information, but I don't personally use it very often. Another researcher that I've heard of is Christopher Germer, but I don't believe I've read any of his works, so I don't know how good his stuff is.
Hope this helps!
Dr. Kristin Neff's book "Self-Compassion" is really good for self-esteem/efficacy. It has been helpful for both myself and my clients. Each chapter also has exercises that you could easily do as a group activity or "homework" assignment. It's a fairly easy read too.
http://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733512/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1427558729&sr=1-1&keywords=self+compassion
Sure.
The theory behind the book is that we spend a lot of time telling ourselves that we should be doing better, why are we working harder/faster/better/stronger, etc. (I'm sure you're familiar with what I'm talking about)
What the book helps teach you to do is to turn a positive light on all Tue hardships in your life, and by doing so, you free up mental capacity to think better about your problems.
For me, it was like the icing on the cake that solidified my escape from depression.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061733512?pc_redir=1404818741&robot_redir=1
You might enjoy this book. Easy read and provides helpful insights around maximizing productivity, etc. (Human Behavior)
https://www.amazon.com/Your-Brain-Work-Strategies-Distraction/dp/0061771295/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?adgrpid=57561985433&gclid=CjwKCAjwsIbpBRBNEiwAZF8-z6AKdGwLm_lyjsJ0xSmgZfGukujP5sN0Pskp4hBRF-njp6d7aXlzpRoCE4AQAvD_BwE&hvadid=274719920285&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9018935&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t1&hvqmt=b&hvrand=15886936499950434764&hvtargid=kwd-302239695539&hydadcr=15120_10362761&keywords=your+brain+at+work+by+david+rock&qid=1562500352&s=gateway&sr=8-2
> Courage is the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. Wikipedia
By doing what you realy want to do, instead of what will give you short term pleasure.
Edit 2, metacognition helped me overcoming some of my tendencies for self-pity and lack of guts:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metacognition
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Brain-Work-Strategies-Distraction/dp/0061771295
Read these books they are full of "winsauce" as the kids would say:
I took some entrepreneurship courses in college and read "Cracking Creativity" "Your Brain At Work" and "Thinkertoys" as part of the curriculum. I thought all of them were excellent and cracking creativity is especially good for creative thinking
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=cracking+creativity&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3Acracking+creativity
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Brain-Work-Strategies-Distraction/dp/0061771295/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1449172741&sr=1-1&keywords=your+brain+at+work
http://www.amazon.com/Thinkertoys-Handbook-Creative-Thinking-Techniques-2nd/dp/1580087736/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1449172562&sr=1-1&keywords=thinkertoys
She sounds very sweet, possibly a little hippie-esq? I highly suggest a pretty houseplant, some quality candles or even (if I may be so bold) the Little Book of Hygge -link below. It's a great little coffee table book on the art of relaxing in your space, was a huge hit and very popular.
https://www.amazon.com/Little-Book-Hygge-Danish-Secrets/dp/0062658808
>The only reason to do a literal tiny house is to look cool doing it, and let everyone know this is a choice and you're not really a poor person as a trailer implies. They still care about what others think of them! They just pretend to be free from mindlessly following societal norms.
This is just an assumption on your part. Many people choose a minimalistic lifestyle not to go against the grain or virtue signal but to be live more conscientiously and simply. Go on and hate the eco-hipsters all you want but living space and limited real estate and soaring rent is going to be a huge problem in the future and many people are choosing to preempt this by rejecting the accoutrements of the American Dream (to wit: comfortable single family home with a lawn, white picket fence, and golden retriever) and choosing instead to live within or beneath their means.
I agree with the author that Kondo's success is partly due to her "Oriental allure" (really, what did you expect from the average consumer?), but that's such a superficial reading of the total scope of her success and message (not to mention, simple living is a universal growing trend). I would argue that Kondo in fact deserves a lot of credit for embodying a quirky telegenic personality (without it, no Netflix show) and coming up with a very clever, easy-to-remember heuristic to inspire and persuade the hard-sell of minimalism in the face of consumerism gone wild: "if it doesn't spark joy in your life, trash it".
That's great marketing, period.
>My wise maid will forgo soft talk of joy, and use instead a harder, plain-speaking language to assess all that stuff: does it still have use in it?
This is precisely why the author is a philosopher and not a best-selling author or beloved TV personality. It's also probably why they can't see past the absurdity of their own argument, especially reducing Kondo to a Mr. Miyagi stereotype.
No better comment than this to show you are not paying attention. All my comments have been after you showed a clear lack of interest in doing anything but exploiting the communities you were requesting help from.
And they were all about how people shouldn't encourage your behavior and help you.
To quote from a previous comment of mine for this post in r/learnmath:
> Maybe failure will teach them what support is not.
Truly, it wasn't I who provided nothing. It was you. Maybe this will help
You reminded me of this: https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/0316167258
Highly recommend it, if it gives a negative impression, being too "pop-y", NYT best seller prole crap, it's not. The author has an interesting background and has worked in actual scientific studies.
It allowed me to understand why I reached the pinnacle of unhappiness, with effects bleeding over into extremely worrisome physiological effects (don't really like the distinction, but it provides some clarity in communication). I'm not the kind of person that accepts information in books without skepticism or critique/analysis, the sound logic, gauged by my prior knowledge/habit of extreme-systemizing humanity, made me realize that I had literally done the exact opposite on every single point (Autism had a lot to do with that. It has incredibly high suicide rates and comorbidities for a reason).
I also realized why some hermits/monks may have been able to genuinely maintain a state of genuine bliss in (near) constant isolation and I wasn't.
There's the problem of a likely massive selection bias, though. You'd be taking a major gamble, and are likely greatly underestimating the amount of time and effort that would be required to attain this. I mean spending years at a good Buddhist monastery or being guided by someone like Matthieu Ricard. Working on it by yourself (I'd highly recommend the book as a guide) would certainly improve your well being.
All I'm saying is don't take this lightly. There's a massive difference between having even one person in your life that you can talk openly with and no one at all. Although you are starting a graduate program, so I assume you're planning on a career where you'll have at least some relatable people (assortativity). Just being around people, but without any intimacy (I don't use the word synonymous with sex), a feeling of connection, meaningful conversations, isn't enough. What's so insidious about it is that the decline can be so gradual that by the time you realize/come to terms with it years of damage may have been done. If you feel your well being/mental health/happiness declining, bail immediately. Not saying you shouldn't reflect on it and just run towards something that feels safe.
There's also this: https://www.amazon.com/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283
Sorry if I read too much into this. Haha, I am on flmodafinil and parnate. I just have a habit of warning people who may be going down a similar path.
"Man can do what he wants, but he cannot want what he wants."
"Man is to be surpassed."
Pay heed to biological/physical limitations, if you're going against eons of evolution, you're probably going to lose. Man will be surpassed, but the time hasn't yet come.
Oy, rereading your original post, I definitely read too much into this. Still, training over months can lessen the pain, but won't be sufficient, to the point where I'd recommend avoiding long stretches as much as possible unless you've arrived at a point in life where you have a very healthy baseline to return to.
Autogenerated.
[Senior, read over a year ago] I have read some introductory books on Buddhist Philosophy: The Book of Joy, Monk and the Philosopher and Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill. AMA.
I'm not religious and I read these books to get a glimpse of Buddhist philosophy and understand how they see life. I guess I've been searching my self in these books. I'm NOT an expert but these books have affected my life to this day (read them about a year ago).
Since then, I have read books like Man's Search For Meaning and Destructive Emotions.
I'll try my best to answer any question, but I don't mind if other "seniors" will answer as well! That would make the discussion much richer actually.
Books in question:
The Book of Joy (https://www.amazon.com/Book-Joy-Lasting-Happiness-Changing/dp/0399185046)
The Monk and the Philosopher (https://www.amazon.com/Monk-Philosopher-Father-Discuss-Meaning-ebook/dp/B004KABESI/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1523017368&sr=1-1&keywords=monk+and+the+philosopher)
Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill (https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/0316167258)
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Comment 1 of 1
Updated at 2018-04-07 08:34:24.559618
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https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/0316167258
www.amazon.com/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/0316167258
You should read [this book](The Promise of Sleep: A Pioneer in Sleep Medicine Explores the Vita... http://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509017/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_bPdZtb0Y1S4DN)
It really is among my favorite books and I think it may help you :)
You might not be getting enough sleep. There's a common misbelief that sleeping in on the weekend makes up for staying up late on the weekdays. For every hour of sleep debt you need one hour of sleep. Many NAs are carrying excessive sleep debts.
http://www.amazon.com/Promise-Sleep-Medicine-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371079410&sr=1-9&keywords=sleep
Try The Promise of Sleep by William Dement. He's a sleep research pioneer and a leading proponent of the idea of sleep debt.
Amazon Link
EDIT: Corrected spelling of author's name
I don't have a good treatment book to recommend. Sitting on my desk next to read is Why we Sleep by Matthew Walker. We overlapped in training and he is brilliant so I look forward to reading this. I enjoyed Dreamland by Randall as an easier to read lay book. Bill Dement is the father of sleep medicine and his last book, The Promise of Sleep, is a nice call to arms for better sleep, though it is almost 20 years old now. I'm a sleep researcher, not a clinician, so the books I'm reading are not really clinical guides, though they contain good information.
As for insomnia, it is best treated by behavioral interventions. The research clearly shows that sleep medicines are only good for acute insomnia (maybe you just had a surgery and the pain is keeping you up at night) and not chronic insomnia. One place to start looking for someone to help would be to check out the Society for Behavioral Sleep Medicine provider list. Most sleep disorders clinics should either have a psychologist on staff or a referral to one.
This is what they will basically have you do. First, you should only go to bed if you are sleepy. If you do not fall asleep within 15-20 minutes, you need to get out of bed, and do something boring under low lights. Do not get on the computer or watch TV, turn on a lamp and read a boring book until you are falling asleep. Then go to bed and if you are not asleep within 15-20 minutes, do it all over again. It may be that you stay awake all night or until 4am the first few times you do it. That is fine, it will actually help you. Do not take a nap, be dead tired because that will help you fall asleep normally after a few days. Also, you need a consistent wake time, no matter your job or school or whatever. Pick a time and wake up everyday (even weekends) at that time.
You also need to look up best practices for sleep hygiene. Most importantly, do not use your bed for anything other than sleep or sex. Do not read, watch TV, play on your tablet, etc. in bed. You want to train your body so that it knows when your head hits the pillow, it is sleep time not thinking or doing time. If you have problems with intrusive thoughts as you are trying to go to sleep, download a guided meditation or progressive muscle relaxation and listen to it while trying to go to sleep (if you are concentrating on the meditation, you can't think about all of the things you were supposed to do that day). Also make sure you can't see the time. You do not need to know what time it is in the middle of the night. Seeing that it is 3am and knowing you have to be at work at 7am causes anxiety which makes it harder to go to sleep.
Do the routine where you get up if you can't fall asleep within 15-20 minutes for week and see if that does not help. The information I gave you are two components of CBT treatment for insomnia (Stimulus control therapy and relaxation). Now going to a sleep disorders clinic can be good because they will rule out other possible causes of your sleep problem other than regular insomnia. You can also try something like melatonin. The clinical evidence really says that it is only good for circadian rhythm issues like jet lag (there is some limited evidence that it can help with insomnia), but many people swear by it and it will most likely not hurt anything. Once again, do not get on ambien, lunesta, etc. for long-term insomnia. They will make it worse.
As I said before, I am a sleep researcher, not a clinician. Everything I told you can be googled so please read up on behavioral treatments of insomnia.
I wish you the best in finding a solution!
But for most people, sleeping 6 hours a night will leave them sleepy at points during the day, especially when they aren't doing much and especially when they are at a time of day when their body isn't keeping them awake. Early afternoon is often a lull in alertness.
Many people will find that dramatically increasing the amount of sleep they get for a sustained period (not just a night or two) will help a great deal with daytime sleepiness.
I've done a number of degrees (not a doctor, but more years of formal education!) and in my first degree I was just like OP - crashing waves of sleepiness that led to me falling asleep in lectures, often for a few seconds, sometimes for minutes at a time. This led to more caffeine, which led to going to bed later. Combine that with six 9am lectures per week (yep, Saturday lectures) and I was sleep deprived and miserable. By the time I got to the final degree I'd worked my body out a lot better. I had given up caffeine and I prioritised sleep. In this period I didn't sleep once during lectures. Same person, same level of motivation, different amount of sleep.
Of course it won't work for everyone, but it's a very cheap thing to try before you start looking at other potential problems.
This book:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Promise-Sleep-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017
was fabulous in explaining the basics of sleep science and looking at how to understand my sleep patterns. It's a bit old now and there may be more recent research, but I think it's a great starter.
It might not be the food, but certain habits that are affecting your sleep.
I totally recommed this book called
The Promise of Sleep by William C. Dennet.
https://www.amazon.com/Promise-Sleep-Medicine-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=the+promise+of+sleep&qid=1554076877&s=gateway&sr=8-1
I struggled with fixing my sleep routine for years. This book taught me why and how i could fix it.
The drowsiness midday is natural and happens to all humans. It has to do with the circadian rhythm.
So you have a key insight here that you can test out. Focus on getting quality sleep for the next thirty days, and test the results. Nick Littlehales is a good writer on this subject: https://www.sportsleepcoach.com/, and this is my favorite book on the topic: https://www.amazon.com/Promise-Sleep-Medicine-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017.
But basically, keep a dark, quiet and cool place to sleep in - avoid drinking liquids and alcohol in particular right before bed. You have a sleep DEBT you'll have to pay off with consistent sleep for a while. Good luck!
we've known this for a while
I'd strongly recommend a book called "The UltraMind solutions" to you.
All in all, eat organic if you can afford it, lots of greens, vegetables. Nothing processed. Whole foods etc
Sharon Salzberg has a good beginners book on meditation: Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation: A 28-Day Program https://www.amazon.com/dp/0761159258/ref=cm_sw_r_oth_api_i_qy-pDbCW9SJBB
She goes over all the basics and add more minutes as you progress through the weeks. I found it easy to follow.
My favorite introduction to Mahayana Buddhism: The Essence of Buddhism by the late Traleg Kyabgon Rinpoche.
Also, for a great easy to read introduction to meditation, I recommend Sharon Salzberg's Real Happiness
Thank you so much for the kind words. I am creating a meditation course for beginners on that blog that I own and manage but I do not feel that it is ready yet since I want it to be very good. I own and refer to this book and think it is great. I think it is the only book you will need: http://www.amazon.com/Real-Happiness-Meditation-28-Day-Program/dp/0761159258/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
I have no affiliation with the author. Best of luck! You can do it.
This is the first book I read to get me going.
I learned some great techniques from Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation. I got the audio cd and just listened to the guided meditations.
Best two books I've ever read on meditation:
Sharon Salzberg Real Happiness
Link: http://amzn.com/0761159258
Pema Chodron How to Meditate
Link: http://amzn.com/1604079339
If you liked that movie, you may want to pick up a copy of the book Fuck, Yes!: A Guide to the Happy Acceptance of Everything, which has a similar premise. I haven't read it in years, but I remember enjoying it immensely.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0940183218
I didn't see the movie but I always thought it was based on this book. Now I'll never watch it.
I read the book some 15 years ago so my memory is hazy but the part that sticks out for me is the moment he starts saying yes. The jist of it I believe is his teenage daughter wanted to date some boy and instead of saying no he laid out the details of their lives together from pregnancy to dropping out of school to becoming "a hamburger engineer" and for her to go for it. She decided against it.
It gets a lot stranger from there but that part always stuck out in my mind as the fact that saying yes to anything is simultaneously freeing yet filled with repercussions that you must acknowledge and accept.
Like the old zen master who chooses to float down the current rather than paddle against it, you don't choose your fate but you accept it. You may be soaked and free of possessions but you can pee whenever you feel like it.
Fuck, YES!
by Wing Fu Fing.
http://www.amazon.com/Fuck-Yes-Guide-Acceptance-Everything/dp/0940183218
"FUCK, YES!"
It's been out of print for a long time, and inspired Danny Wallace to relive it, which turned into the topic for two books "Yes Man" and "Join Me" ("Yes Man" was that comedy with Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel, Carrey's character "Carl" is named after the main character in "Fuck, Yes!")
The author had to reveal his real name in court, in order to sue Tom Robbins for autographing his book, claiming that he wrote it.
Fuck, yes!
Well if you want an idea I would check out Dianetics, it's the major book that drives Scientology, and it was written not that long ago.
Interestingly enough, isntead of focusing on stories of how one should live their life, it's more centered on philisophical questions about the reason of existance and such. I haven't read it myself, maybe I'll take to the time to some day.
Your thetans are totally outta whack, totally. May I suggest some therapy??
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Depends/dp/1478121734
It's worth a read.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Depends/dp/1478121734/ref=la_B0086HMAIY_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1421109828&sr=1-1
You sound like you need this book.
And because Reddit is Reddit; I am not affiliate in any way with this book or the author.
I've been beginning to be convinced that emotions like angers are tools used to move towards goals instead of something irrational that controls us. In that manner it may help you to reflect on why you would choose to be angry, which decisions, whether conscious or unconscious, lead you to believe that anger is the correct tool for this situation and then maybe trying to come up with and alternative way to go about those situations that seem to arouse your anger.
A good book to read that I've been recommending to just about everyone lately is "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
The book talks about a lot of the difficulties we face in life and touches on things like anger. Hope this helps!
ooo! And they mentioned this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260
Your question is intriguing because I often ask myself the same thing. I'm 24, graduated undergrad, and have a decent job, but I often find myself wondering what the hell I'm doing.
If you're truly searching for that one thing, it might take a while. You might not discover it when you're 23, or even 33. It has to be a passion, not just a job/trade. Therefore you must be fascinated by it and have a desire to do it -and improve your skills- whether money is involved or not.
But I feel that it's necessary to mention this: you can do multiple things with one life. If you're someone who has trouble sticking with something, I would highly suggest reading this book: Refuse to Choose.
It's a book for people who have a tough time figuring out their "thing," and the message is that you don't have to choose one thing. You can become good/great at multiple things. It's a great book.
Life is long. You seem to be doing ok right now, so don't rush into something just because you're desperate to find your calling. You might end up following the wrong voice.
(you may also find these books useful:
I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher
and
Refuse to Choose, also by Barbara Sher )
Read this:
https://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260
Look up the author Barbara Sher and these books of hers:
"I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was"
"Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams"
Barbara Sher is the real deal. She is like the streetwise, brilliant grandma you wish you could have grown up with for figuring out honestly what to do with your life. Read everything you can get your hands on of what she's written, ESPECIALLY the two books I mention above. Then write me in about 6 months and let me know how you are doing. :)
You sound like a Scanner. Which isn’t bad. I’m definitely one (a hardcore Sybil).
https://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260/ref=nodl_#mediaMatrix_secondary_view_div_1551363837292
It’s a fun read.
Well, thats basically what i try to ask everyone as well. At least after 28 yrs i realized that noone will be better than answering this question than myself, even if i suck at it ... maybe i can recommend you this one though, if you didnt read about it yet:
https://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1521511569&sr=1-3&keywords=barbara+sher
Yes - probably because many of us are 'maximizers' and 'scanners' that are simultaneously interested by many things (at least on a surface level) and terrified of committing to one thing that then shuts down other avenues that might be better.
This is probably why I'm going into consulting following my PhD :) I often envy people who seem to know exactly what they love doing, the type of people who say "I can't see myself doing anything else". But at the same time, the thought of doing only one thing for my whole life is depressing as well.
I sometimes feel like I would make really good use of immortality :)
It can be done without a therapist, too. It's just that my explanation doesn't have all the details but books do. This is the book my therapist suggested me to read before EMDR: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Past-Your-Francine-Shapiro/dp/1609619951/ref=la_B001IZTCBY_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411914435&sr=1-1
This was a great book with lots of real experiences inside. And it has exercises on how to practice and establish the safe place. You can find a pdf online as well. Hope it helps you. Therapy is expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it. It took me a couple of years to be able to set aside money for that :S
Neither of these comments involves a diagnosis that is contained in the dsm, so there is no diagnosing going on. Anyone who says they can't leave their daughter for an hour knows this is a problem. The average layman would make the same observation as this is general knowledge. Its very understandable and not terribly uncommon in PTSD. I have just such a case right now.
Attempts to understand an insulting and inaccurate attack on line are not exactly clinical practice and when you insult people you can not really expect anything else. If you had just expressed your doubtfulness on the speed of EMDR or done a quick google search rather than asserting your limited knowledge as an authority we would not have ended up here.
This has been fun, but not really that fun. And I am in the middle of a day off so want to move on with my day. Let me leave u with just a few thoughts. The results I get are not gotten by all EMDR therapists, but are common to all those who persevere to really learn the skill. And not all client can get these results, but I have already said both of these things.
I hope you will pick up the Shapiro book. Its been out since 98 so no longer cutting edge but u should be able to find it at a used internet bookstore cheap.
The cutting edge stuff now is called brain spotting and its even simpler to do than EMDR and developed out of EMDR. The APA just recognized it over a year ago and are allowing training in it to be used towards state licensure. Since it is easier to learn and to do it may be even faster than EMDR. But finding a practitioner is unlikely at present. There are none in my county. Soon as I get a need for further cont ed credits and a few grand extra I'll travel for 3 weekends to get the training. If you really want to update your knowledge that would be the direction to go in. And Francine's latest book is a guide to using self tapping as a self help skill. The authors of this post may be interested in that. https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Self-Help-Techniques/dp/1609619951/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=J9MHD02JHV5TA23CETV3
In another 10 years, it is quite possible that traditional therapy will be rare and too expensive to do. EMDR, EFT, and Brain spotting will have forced it out. In 20 years, its highly probable that traditional therapy will exist only for the very wealthy and the very sick.
I work with trauma clients almost exclusively. I'm sorry this has been your experience, you deserve better.
Like another poster mentioned here, seek out EMDR therapists in your area. Or therapists who work on exposure/narrative therapy, or anyone who specializes in PTSD and/or C-PTSD.
Even if the one EMDR therapist you met treated you that way, the chances are extremely low that the next one will.
Alternatively, EMDR can be self-administered. I'd highly recommend the book Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy by Francine Shapiro. Good luck, and please don't give up.
I had a partner who didn't even think depression was real and discouraged me from taking medication, which ended up helping me temporarily. It is so hard to not have support for trying to heal yourself.
​
I did 25 hours of EMDR. It was intense! And it definitely helped me. The VA uses it for vets with PTSD, honestly, that was enough for me to look into it. And I was at a "I'll try anything" point as well. I read the book by Francine Shapiro, the doctor who developed the treatment, Getting Past Your Past https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Self-Help-Techniques/dp/1609619951
​
Your local library may have it or often times you can ask a library to purchase a book they don't have. Maybe give that a read first and see if it still appeals to you.
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I wonder if it's something that can be done remotely. I'm not sure myself but maybe there are therapists that can do it over skype?
Surprisingly not painful. I'm sure everyone is different. I was really disassociated. So, it actually felt good to reconnect and even cry sometimes when that came. Weird to have so many years of just no-feeling dead, I'll take the crying and joy instead. Sometimes I'd be really afraid it was going to be upsetting, and once I really faced a thing, it was like 'oh, that wasn't nearly as bad as I expected' - a lot of that for me. Here's a good book. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1609619951/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1
I did weekly. Sometimes twice a week. Unfortunately, my insurance wouldn't pay for 90 minute sessions, which I think would be better. Most of he studies on this were done in that format. So, if I had a big thing to work on, it would sometimes take more than one session. I could have waited a week, but, chose to do two days in a row. My therapist taught me techniques before we started on how to put things away between sessions. Simple visualizing it going into a box for later type stuff. Best of luck friend!
Check out the work of Eline Snel, who has successfully taught children to meditate in schools. She has a book called Sitting Still Like a Frog, which is very popular and is targeted at children as young as five.
https://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Still-Like-Frog-Mindfulness/dp/1611800587
You've already gotten lots of great advice here, but just throwing out a couple more ideas...
She sounds like a smart one. Generally kids solidify the concept of death's permanence around 6-9 years of age. At four she seems very advanced. Is she experiencing anxiety about other things? This was recommended to me by a child therapist and the kids and I like it. It comes with a CD that includes 11 short medications where you are walked though mindfulness. It calms us all down.
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The Happiness Trap: Link
Great book to work with you on the personal level. Helps a lot when you're playing poker, especially when it comes to tilt control.
[The power of Habit by Charles Duhigg] (https://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business/dp/081298160X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1524254597&sr=1-1&keywords=the+power+of+habit)
[How to be Miserable by Randy Paterson] (https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Miserable-Strategies-Already/dp/1626254060/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1524254447&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+be+miserable+40+strategies+you+already+use)
[Triggers by Mark Reiter] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0804141231/?coliid=I1IO9M9EK6B817&colid=2ODOB46M901X0&psc=0)
Nope that's a different book. This one was released this month.
Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Miserable-Strategies-Already/dp/1626254060
Quite a bit of that was drawn from this book and maybe this video as well.
I got into meditation some years ago while suffering from tension headaches as a way to bare the pain. I've found that meditating and exercising regularly prevents my headaches.
Lately I practice yoga as well which is of course synergistic to meditation, but I don't explicitly study meditation.
For me at least, I find meditation is better practiced than studied.
Yeah, I was reading the book "How to be miserable" and I there was a line that said something to the equivalent of "you're "paying" people to find the most upsetting and depressing information they can find and present it to you constantly and in real time all to keep yourself informed on things you can do nothing to change and which provides very little quantitative value in your life."
When you frame it like that, yeah, it's almost a complete waste of time. I think it's worth avoiding the news because it doesn't really make you well informed and what you do learn about isn't overly helpful or actionable. (Not to mention that mainsteam media is fodder for the masses anyway, nevermind what Marx said about religion.) If you want to be better informed then there are probably ways which help you understand the problems of the world better and what can be done to address it. (i.e. looking at data directly which is dry/unsexy/difficult but gives the highest returns for your intentions as far as I can see.)
P.S. I'd totally recommend that book to anyone who finds it interesting. It's both completely hilarious and a little scathing when it's suddenly talking about the stupid shit you do.
I can definitely relate. I spent years feeling extremely lonely. I have a tendency to attract people who are not good for me and not feel very connected to people who are. I also work remotely to avoid dealing with face-to-face politics. I have WAY too much anxiety and PTSD to deal with office life day after day.
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The only/best antidote I know of, at least for me, is to give something to someone or help someone. Volunteer or join some kind of service organization. Seems counterintuitive but it works for me.
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Also, keep an eye on those stories you tell yourself. The idea of rejection vs. years of loneliness sounds scary and not necessarily true. I say that with love -- I know what it feels like to wholeheartedly believe the scary, disheartening stories in my head.
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I know you said you've learned it all, but just wondering if you've learned about ACT? It's a mindfulness based therapy. Your use of the word "accept" suggests you may have. But just in case you haven't, I've found this book to be a relatively simple and helpful way of tackling some of the things that I struggle with:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004XI12O8/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Yeah, now that I think about it--getting a new relationship to my thoughts was a big part of feeling more positive after I left Mormonism and made acting positively much easier.
I mentioned in a post below about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which is a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and is considered the best supported type of general psychological therapy to my knowledge. It was definitely a turning point for me. I highly recommend it. There are a few good books out there. I like this one the most, but I think even it overcomplicates the process a bit.
The gist of it is to learn how to keep your thoughts and feelings flexible, so that you don't get stuck in them for too long. It involves learning a bit of meditation and noticing the difference between your automatic inner thoughts and the input from your senses in the present. Once you get good at this you'll find it easier to choose to "move towards" things you value in the long term, rather than feel like your only choice is to "avoid" or "attack" the stuff you fear that in reality might not ever happen or even exist.
I liked it, so just passing it along.
The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal
It's got a very scientific take explaining how your brain acts in regards to willpower, and has exercises/tips for completing a "willpower challenge." The author taught a Science of Willpower course at Stanford.
That's the spirit. Btw I recommend this book, you might want to try it out :) "The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can DoTo Get More of It" http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005ERIRZE
I wish I had read this book and implemented it proactively as it should be instead of reactively how it's almost always done. This should be required reading for all men In a ltr or marriage.
https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8
You have to maintain your spouse's attraction to you. Your wifes attraction to you is an organic thing, it can become injured, broken or even dead.
And ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That book was written for men only but athol Kay has had so many woman flock to his blog he had to shut his forum down. He wrote an updated version that's more accessible to both genders. I recommend the fist book but I'll drop this one here for other guys if they want more information.
https://www.amazon.ca/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU
First habit of a highly effective person:
BE PROACTIVE!
Don't allow your wife to lose her attraction for you.
Also, drop the idea of dysney love. Admiration and respect, that's the Stanley Cup of marriage. Also, unsolicited blowjobs.
And if what /u/uncommon_sense_123 says is true, you need to fix your head before getting married because getting mareid won't fix your head.
Look dude. There’s no physical or chemical addiction. It’s all emotional. It’s all in your mind. You have to be able to control yourself ... with sex, drugs, food, video games, porn. Everything. If you can’t control yourself, you’re fucked in life.
I can’t say I understand porn addiction. I don’t watch porn because I think it’s not good for me. I do understand other types of addiction. You have to put yourself in a place where you can’t access porn anymore. Go on a month long camping trip and don’t take your phone. Remove yourself from the ability to watch porn for at least a month.
If you return from a month off and go right back to it. Well, you’re fucked in life anyway. So ... good luck to you.
Also check out The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005ERIRZE/
Here's a few good ones:
General self help - Unfu*k Yourself
Related to money - Millionaire Factory
Related to women - Make Women Chase You
Related to yoga - Yamas (this one is a little bit out there)
For acne usually you have to do hardcore lifestyle changes. The video from "acneanswers" seems promising, i haven't seen it all though.
In general for acne you should:
About dermabrasion and microdermabrasion, in a few worlds:
I think you have lot of homework to do xD
Good Luck
PS: These books are gold, read them!
Also highly, highly recommend "Fuck, Yes!" by Reverend Wing Fing.
$3 kindle ebook on Amazon: Fuck, Yes!: A Guide to the Happy Acceptance of Everything
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0940183218ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_8cHJxbR2XYT9D
Yes & yes! For supporting arguments, read this book.
Read this https://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260
:whispers: Oh shit. This is wonderful. Thank you. :/whispers:
Might I recommend you include a link to Shapiro's book that is essentially a manual for running through EMDR yourself?
I completely agree with the therapists that have commented that self-administering can have negative consequences. However, I am so grateful to have this as a 'refresher' for lighter work, for people that have been led through it properly before.
Again and seriously, thank you. Well done.
Just because one is unwillingly to implement a cure does not mean the cure is ineffective. Letting go is the answer. No, it’s not easy. No, no one is going to understand the pain you went through and are often coming from a place of ignorance. But the answer is still the same: nothing will ever make your trauma not trauma. Dwelling on it, arguing about it, wrestling with it... it’s all the same. The only thing you can do is to find the courage to let go in whatever way you can. A lot of bad years taught me that lesson.
If anyone is looking for a book to help them with this, I found “The Courage To Be Disliked” to be helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1501197274
Well, you could go to a library most libraries have a fair amount of Scientology books, you can buy them on Amazon.com (http://www.amazon.com/Dianetics-Modern-Science-Mental-English/dp/140314446X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368160165&sr=8-1&keywords=dianetics and http://www.amazon.com/L.-Ron-Hubbard/e/B000AP9H6S/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1)
Those are probably your best bests short of going into and org and buying them.