(Part 3) Best personal transformation books according to redditors
We found 7,422 Reddit comments discussing the best personal transformation books. We ranked the 1,495 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 41-60. You can also go back to the previous section.
Here's my list of the classics:
General Computing
Computer Science
Software Development
Case Studies
Employment
Language-Specific
C
Python
C#
C++
Java
Linux Shell Scripts
Web Development
Ruby and Rails
Assembly
I read through your full post and here are my takeaways:
Did I miss the mark on anything?
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Married late-20s straight man here.
I have a few responses.
Your problem is real. Your problem doesn't make you a bad person or a creep. Your problem does deserve a sympathetic ear. I suspect you would find some catharsis in reading https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/08/31/radicalizing-the-romanceless/ and then https://thingofthings.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/deradicalizing-the-romanceless/
I strongly suspect your problem is solvable, though with a sort of difficulty that people often find hard to grapple with. It requires enduring emotional discomfort, trying things despite lots of randomness in the results, re-evaluating your strategy and progress every 2 weeks, and learning new habits.
The reason it might require study is because the goal isn't to be honest just to yourself, but to carry the right meaning to other people. Anyone who's ever taken a class on public speaking or bedside manner is saying that communication is hard and worth studying. Why should sexual communication be any different? It is worth finding a therapist or coach, but it is also worth taking the time to seek out someone you trust to point down a healthy and consensual path.
See from this summary if this book would be helpful. https://thingofthings.wordpress.com/2018/05/25/models-a-summary/
Also look at Charisma on Command
Remember that your goal is to learn things which you can turn into intuition. If something doesn't make sense, it is worth following that feeling and asking about it.
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Getting rejected isn't about you. Its about what she thinks about the you-her system. I have heard good things about the rejection therapy game but haven't looked into it.
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Words of anger and disgust at male behaviour are probably swirling around in your head far more than is actually reasonable. Most women generally like men. Social media amplifies the most dramatic hot takes and hits your brain with them when you're most emotionally vulnerable -- during your morning poop.
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Find and follow a reasonable set of guidelines to avoid acting in a way that a reasonable person would find threatening. Don't try to 100% eliminate the possibility that you creep someone out. You can't do it and you don't have to. Being accidentally creepy on rare occasion happens to everyone and almost everyone is capable of brushing it off.
There are people who have had serious trauma at the hands of men. They are still processing that trauma and need spaces where they can do that. But it is a bad idea to go to those same spaces looking for dating advice because what they say won't be a measured response to your situation but a response to theirs.
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If you genuinely couldn't give two shits about yoga, don't do more than try it out. Take some time and imagine some interactions with a girlfriend which you'd find fun and satisfying. Do a Freewrite Pomodoro: Set a 20-minute timer and force yourself to keep listing out bullet points. This list is private so go wild. These can be sexual. These can be arbitrarily dorky. These can be boring.
Now, once you have this list, go through and for each one, see if there are any communities which correlate with that activity. Then, sort by their gender ratio. Go there and first see if you enjoy the community. Make a few friendly-acquaintances. If you're not genuinely enjoying building acquaintance-relationship with the non-datable people there, ask yourself why...maybe talk to a friend or therapist about why. "these particular people are habitually rude" is a possible answer, so be willing to move to a different community with the same activity.
Do the same thing as in #7. List these out and then list out environments where you can display these. Then sort by the likelihood that there will be a dateable straight women there. Be willing to learn a skill if you've already been kinda wanting to do so.
It will help you act and speak with more confidence. To start, read What Every Body is Saying and watch some of Charisma on Command's videos.
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This article is bullshit!!! bury it now before it discourages more people from growing their own food.
I am a sustainability designer, working with communities, individuals, farms, and family homes. This field of work is my life, my passion.
aquaponics can be scaled from commercial to home, and even apartment or rooftop. It produces 50 times the amount of protein than beef, and twice or more green produce. We have built them for family use from scratch for less than $2000.
All you can produce on a 1/4 acre yes, its a book. which we use in consultancies, you can produce much more than a family can consume, and have a surplus.
Here is my friends property in Australia. well well documented and still running.
dont gimme this negative bullshit encouraging people not to grow their own food.
If this isnt enough proof. feel free to rant and i can provide much much more information. but im going out back to my garden. peace.
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Edit, before i leave, let me stress again. you can feed yourself and another with a aquaponics system you can easily build yourself within a day or two for less than two grand. Organically, nutrient/mineral dense food forever ... for-ever <----- this is what sustainable means.
And if you can afford some panels and a battery for you pump, you can pretty much run it as zero cost. forever, providing you and your family food, forever.
Edit 2, if you want another well explained tidbit on aquaponics, heres a TEDtalk on the topic. this is different from what youve seen throughout your life. prepare to be amazed at what natural systems + design science can accomplish.
Some book recommendations:
Others that are great and related but not as "necessary" as the above three:
Unrelated to "better code" but still great:
Oof, that's a hard one. I spent a lot of my life there, through bad times And good I could never shake this sense of shame, or self loathing that had built up over years and years and years. Once I started to get my head out of that fog I started to notice: That's not a rare problem at all. So many people are having to fight that fight, you're not alone.
A couple of things:
You're going to want to find a therapist. For some people that's very daunting, those first phone calls can be tricky, and you may not find the perfect fit the first one you see. Keep trying. They're trained to help you walk the path to a better self. In particular, though, you're going to want to look for a counselor who does "CBT" or "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy". You explicitly talked about a refrain in your head that beats you down? That happens a lot. CBT is a psychological approach to deal with that, to help turn that down then off. It's made a huge difference in your life.
Second: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1469891037&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=self+esteem <-- My therapist recommended this book to me and it made a big difference. I've been giving copies of it out to my friends with self esteem problems. It covers, in part, why you've built up that voice inside that cuts you down, and how that voice used to protect you, but how it's really held you back. And it talks about ways to build Real lasting self esteem from within, how to counter the negative thoughts and build good ones.
These thought and behavior patterns aren't easy to overturn but it can be done, there is a path, and many have walked it before. You're not alone. You've already made the post to reddit for help, you can keep going from here.
I hope this was some help.
One of my favorite books is on the subject is
The Backyard Homestead: Produce all the food you need on just a quarter acre! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1603421386/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_6-gGyb3BECDHB
It is at our local library and I love reading it.
I'm not homesteading now but it's in my plan. I do have an agriculture background which will make it easier. My suggestion is to read read read. Talk to your local extension office for help on your local area. They offer classes and events that are often free or low cost. Master Gardner classes run a $100 or more for your certification but are definitely worth it!
Another thought is determine which crops and things are the most cost efficient. For example I live in a farming community that one of the crops produced is edible beans. I can go to our local coop and get a 100 lb sack for $30. Is it worth my time to grow the black or pinto beans? Nope, unlikely.
So...you're going to wait for a second slap? To whom? I bet that one will be "justified", too.
His POV is that if he's under stress, and someone (smaller and weaker than he) disrespects him, he gets to hit them. He said that to you and you are ignoring it. He used different words, but the meaning is clear.
What if it takes three years for him to haul off and belt (one of you) again? What good is all that time together then?
The lack of contrition is scary. "Working on it"...on your kids? If it were me, I'd let him 'work on it' with someone else's kids.
Change often sucks. Big, unexpected change sucks worse.
Wasted time is regretted much later. Just in case: When Things Fall Apart - Heart Advice For Difficult Times.
"Change is the only constant in life, if we could only see it." - ibid
I wish you Peace.
Glad you had a good hunt - the damned things are all over where I live. I compete with wolves, bears, and big cats, though, so maybe next year's numbers will be lower.
You can totally do ethical chicken/poultry if you have at least a half acre of land (house included). It might be a stretch to get a meat poultry operation going, but you can definitely end up drowning in eggs with six or ten birds - remember that each lays an egg a day. If you're interested in a healthy, ethical source of protein, you'd be very hard pressed to do better than home-raised eggs.
There are some great books about this that can help:
The Backyard Homestead
The Backyard Homestead Guide to Raising Farm Animals
Back to Basics
The first book is kind of "general backyard gardens and farms", the second one focuses on animals in particular, and the third is an older book that has information about gardens and livestock, but also loads of cool information on how to preserve foods, build traditional crafts/furniture/construction, etc. - way broader scope than the first two. I definitely recommend all three, though.
Women bond by gossiping/sharing of information. It's wired into them. I read a book about all this once called "the female brain". Quite interesting.
Guys on the other hand bond via experiences such as playing sports, or working on the same job together, and pretty much anything that qualifies as an experience or an adventure.
This is why men can feel as fulfilled playing a game of football and pretty much no talking as women do with like an entire day of talking about each other's lives/feelings/issues etc.
If you're really truly interested in mastering this hobby and applying yourself to learning it, here's what I would recommend:
Good luck with your journey! It's been one of the greatest I've embarked on in my adult life :)
Here are some books I would recommend on the topic:
Mastery by George Leonard (talks a lot about mindset and learning to love the plateau)
Talent is Overrated by Geoffrey Colvin (gives a lot of pointers when it comes to deliberate practice)
So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport (lots of counterintuitive but useful info on developing skills)
The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle (lots of great info about what to look for in a good coach/teacher)
Here are some good “starter” books to go through. Starter in the sense that they give a good overview of generalized modern western Witchcraft along with a basis for Wicca is that so interest you. It also has some supplementary guides for those interested in alchemy, mirror work, spirit work and the like.
Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft and Buckland's Book of Spirit Communications are good books for getting a decent understanding of what could be (subjectively speaking) considered “traditional” witchcraft. I myself am NOT a fan of the Llewellyn branch of magick, as it is heavily based around forming structured groups and covens and much of the information seems more ceremonial than anything. That being said, these books give a great basic rundown into alot of different styles and tools you will most likely be using or want to use.
Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner is great if you want to go down the Wicca path AND it’s made specifically for solitary practitioners along with having some of Scott Cunninghams own spells in it as well.
Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs is a good rundown of many common and uncommon reagents used in witchcraft along with their metaphysical uses. Reader's Digest Magic and Medicine of Plants despite the name is a more practical and scientifically written book on the historical and medicinal used of many N. American plants.
Inside the Mirror Box: Spells and Theory for All Practitioners was actually written by a friend of mine. His book gives alot of information on actual spellwork, along with a large selection of Mirror Box spells and a short section on other uses for mirrors (such as divination).
And finally the Encyclopedia of Spirits is a great reference guide for those of us who want to work with specific entities. The author covers the full gamut of spirits and deities from the ancient gods to christian saints and archangels to lesser known spirits.
If you don't have much experience meditating, it can make you more anxious and your thoughts can spiral into dark places if that's a mental pattern you experience often. It would be great if you can learn to meditate eventually, but I would suggest learning to breathe. when you're especially anxious or feeling fear a lot of tension and anxiety builds up in the chest, and learning to breathe and voluntarily control your breath can help relieve that tension. A good exercise to start is breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 7 seconds, then exhaling for 8 seconds and repeating that cycle for a few minutes at a time.
Otherwise I would check out 'Mindfulness in plain English ', a book that explains a good deal about the roots of fear and anxiety, and teaches Buddhism in an introductory way that can help you on a mental path towards dissolving some of those negative emotions you experience.
I used to get anxious a lot more (I still do) and it can be overwhelming sometimes and paralyzing - learning to breathe and examine that anxiety/fear instead of getting more afraid because it was 'bad' has helped me roll with the waves of anxiety a lot easier, and override that anxiety with logic and talking my mind through it.
If anyone wants some reading material on this topic, let me know. This kind of thing can be really hard to overcome and damaging to relationships.
Edit:
Hi people! I received a lot of responses about this. I feel bad for not responding earlier, but I was busy, and feeling guilty is part of my own thing that i need to work through. When people talk about this problem of “pleasing people,” what they are often really talking about is shame-bound systems. It might not be obvious at first, but ask yourself, what feelings would you experience if you weren’t trying to please others? What would it say about you if you were just trying to do what makes you happy? What feelings are you trying to get away from when you think about this? In addition to the books mentioned by /u/alpinejonny, I recommend the following:
More on the academic side:
Facing Shame, by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason
This is a classic book written for therapists about people in shame-bound family systems. I recommend going here if you want a deep understanding of how and why families create cycles of shame, one manifestation of which is “people-pleasing.” It’s an older book, but it’s still an important one.
Shame and the origins of self-esteem, by Mario Jacoby
Mario Jacoby is an influential Jungian analyst. This book is expensive, but I really recommend taking a look at this book’s table of contents to see how in-depth it is. Amazon’s “look inside” feature has a lot of pages from this book available online, and you can click on table of contents sections to see more information about that section. It might have a lot of the info you need.
More mainstream:
Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko
Despite the ugly cover and horrible title, this is a really, really solid book based upon schema therapy. This book covers a wider range of schemas or “lifetraps,” so it is appropriate for many people. It can be eye-opening. I would definitely recommend it, especially the chapters on vulnerability, dependence, abandonment, and defectiveness (shame).
Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown
Brown is a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability right now and has down a lot of interesting qualitative work in deconstructing the concept of vulnerability, which is something we must experience if we are to say ‘no’ to our people pleasing tendencies. I’m not the biggest fan of Brown’s mainstream writing personally (I’m more on the dense/academic side of things), but her key points are dead on and her writing works for many people. I really appreciated her famous TED talk when it came out.
Healing the Shame that Bind You, by John Bradshaw
I haven’t read this one, but I have heard really good things. Again, Amazon’s look inside feature is helpful here. A lot of the book is already online.
Hope that helps! Other users have been recommending to me books about codependency. I haven't read any books about codependency specifically, but I can see that being super helpful.
This has been my biggest focus for the last few months.
1st realization was "Networking events" weren't a place where you join the hive-mind, exchange emails and share secrets on openings in the job market. You're basically are making friends. Get them to think: "This would be a good person to work with. I better answer his message so they'll answer mine"
John Sonmez (Author of Soft Skills: The software developer's life manual): https://simpleprogrammer.com/
Toastmasters: https://www.toastmasters.org/ This is like a public speaking club for anyone to join. My place is filled with 8 nice sweet, old people who want to speak better at church. I feel pretty comfortable speaking there.
This has been my 3 step plan:
My youtube story telling playlist
Books/Audiobooks:
This is the slight edge. There's a book about it: https://www.amazon.com/Slight-Edge-Turning-Disciplines-Happiness/dp/1626340463
It's not about getting better in a day, it's about getting better over the course of days.
I'm 51. You're right -- the perceived speed at which time passes increases continuously as one ages. Here are my suggestions for slowing it down (these work for me most of the time):
A very indepth introduction to evolutionary psychology by Leda Cosmides and John Tooby:
http://www.cep.ucsb.edu/primer.html
A collection of some university evolutionary psychology notes and modules:
http://evostudies.org/instructors/evos-teaching-modules/
Pop science Evolutionary Psychology book recomendations:
The Moral Animal
The Red Queen
The Mating mind - and a Summary
The Evolution of Human Sexuality - Most comprehensive of the books, a bit more academic than the others. Written by one of the founders of evolutionary psychology.
I'll share my reading list for the next 12 months as it's how I plan to become a better learner:
&nbsp;
Learning
Improving Maths
Improving Reading Speed
Algorithmic thinking
Understanding the Mind
Productivity
It's an ambitious reading list for the next 12 months as there is some heavy reading in there but hopefully you can get one or two useful suggestions from it!
In the book Reinventing Your Life (where I learned all this from) he says that it's not like you shouldn't feel any chemistry with someone, but that if it's 8-10 on a scale of 1-10, you should really be careful (I add "especially if you come from abuse and neglect!").
I think what helps is learning about WHY you are attracted to these people. I've been reading books and watching videos about my situation. I've learned a lot about why I was attracted to my ex (Narcissistic/Borderline), why we went back and forth, why I couldn't get away for so long (I read Reinventing Your Life while trying to make things work with her!).
There's lots of research that argues against exactly what you're saying.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B011H56MKS/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
The author of this book has done decades of research on top performers in all sorts of categories and has concluded that there is no such thing as natural talent. Check it out. He talks about a concept called deliberate practice.
That's amazing!
Therapy is always a good idea but it's not possible for everyone. I can vouch that these books/workbooks contain accurate, helpful info. & tips. DM me for help finding digital copies.
Toxic Parents
Self Esteem (3rd Edition)
The CBT Workbook for Depression (2nd Ed)
The Mindful Way Workbook for Depression
Other good books:
The Dance of Anger
Kid Confidence
https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438
Most important book to read for what you are talking about. Hit me up anytime you need to talk.
You'll see this one recommended a lot :
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a classic and for good reason. I always find myself going back to it. In fact there are quite a few books I'd argue that build upon it
Another very good one is by Leil Lowndes called
How to Talk to Anyone. It gives a lot of useful tips on how to make conversations exciting and vibrant.
Also, John Sonmez's books are really good too because they focus on communication skills from a developers point of view. I really liked these because it also teaches how to develop your career and start your own brand:
These are just off the top of my head, I'm sure there are plenty more. Hope that helped!
I've been in a life that was basically shit. This book helped me more than anything else, The Gifts of Imperfection. Also meditation is free and does wonders. Check out The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. These two books really changed my life and helped me dig myself out of a state of deep depression. Another thing you should check out CBT therapy and read anything about neuroplasticity.
Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!
Here are your smile-ified links:
https://smile.amazon.com/Bucklands-Complete-Witchcraft-Llewellyns-Practical/dp/0875420508
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^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly&nbsp;bot
I would like to recommend Jeff Olson’s The Slight Edge on the compound effects of little choices and small steps in life. Here’s a quote from it:
“The truth is, what you do matters. What you do today matters. What you do every day matters. Successful people just do the things that seem to make no difference in the act of doing them and they do them over and over and over until the compound effect kicks in.”
There’s also a nice video review of the book:
https://youtu.be/bi7yB7wH3to
>Combatting depression
Quoting a recent comment of mine:
>You might want to look into cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), if that isn't what you already did.
>Recommended books:
The Philosophy of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and
Unshakeable Freedom.
>Also: Recommended Post.
>Philosophy and Stoicism
Apart from the Enchiridion and the Meditations, the primary reading list includes letters and essays from Seneca as well as Cicero or the fragments from Musonius Rufus. Modern books include How to be a Stoic, A guide to the good life and Stoicism and the art of happiness. The FAQ has a nice list which is worth checking out.
>Books about changing the way you think (false thoughts vs. truths)
This might not be Stoic, but you might be interested in Thinking fast and slow.
>Identity
Might not be exactly what you were looking for, but reading The mind illuminated and implementing meditation as a practice, changed the way I think about myself and my thoughts on a daily basis.
>The ego
A favourite of mine is the eight page-long article by urbanmonk.
A good starting point for thought provoking and self-help books is the sub /r/BettermentBookClub. If you search for thought provoking articles, /r/Foodforthought or /r/philosophy is the way to go.
I was actually just reading a summary of the book Mastery If you haven't already checked it out it might interest you. If you have read it let me know what you think.
I'm sorry life's hit you with a bag of bricks, man. But honestly, you're in a pretty good position right this second to give yourself a good launchpad into a better life.
It definitely sounds like your ADHD never went away. When you noticed they stopped working, did you tell your doctor? The first couple meds I tried didn't do a damn thing for me, but the one I just switched to seems to be helping a lot. You really need to experiment to find one that works.
You also are fortunate enough that while yes, you do have some debt, you have some college experience, which is better than just a GED (especially if you spin it well). You also have a job. And you have a job with which you sound like you have some time. Instead of sitting there thinking about the bad, find something you want to learn or do that you can do with the down time. Learn to code. Learn to design. Learn to write. Learn to do anything that you find enjoyment in.
You're also young. I know how hard it can be when you're depressed to think it'll never get better. I thought the same thing when I was a teenager who had some very dark thoughts. But it really does, but only if you want it to. If you sit around and just focus on the negative, you'll miss out on the positives, and waste time not creating MORE positives.
You say you're good at reading people. Would you want to go back to college, perhaps become a therapist/psychologist? Focus on your strengths.
From this post, it really sounds to me like you'd benefit from getting a therapist and a psychiatrist for your ADHD and Anxiety, among other things. Work with them to set specific, achievable goals. And don't even waste time thinking about "the system". "The system" is a silly concept that people use as a scapegoat when they don't to face whatever issue they're facing. No one is out to judge you. People are far too concerned with their own lives (and worrying about other people judging THEM). No one will view you as attention seeking. They'll see it as a sign that you're working toward self-improvement. And if they really do see it as a negative, then they're not the kind of people you need in your life.
I'd also recommend you read the book "Way of the Peaceful Warrior". It really is a life changing book, at least for me. It helps you learn to not only appreciate life for what it is, but teaches you about yourself in the process, even though it's a novel.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205
The big point to take away is, you're not alone at all in your situation. Many people feel similarly at one point in their lives, and they go on to lift themselves out of it. But you have to want to. And it sounds like you do. So do it.
I'll also point out this resource in case you get low, /r/suicidewatch is, from what I've been told, an extremely helpful and supporting community.
When working with new folks, I always say that they should set themselves some kind of super loose "curriculum". This can be hard for someone who is self-teaching because they don't know what there is to learn, but it isn't impossible.
What I recommend is that you get one of the books out there that are arranged into chapters and written like a workbook. These books are formatted in such a way that you could just follow along reading it each day and it will provide you with exercises to try. Promise to yourself that you will do each and every exercise in the book you choose. What this will mean is that you will add actual practice into your work since a lot of those exercises will ask you to go and do something. The hope is that this will jump start you into having your own steam to run on.
A few recommendations are:
Hi! It sounds like you’re going through a lot and I’m really sorry to hear that this is happening around you. First, you sound like you are very aware. That’s a really important quality to have both now and in the future to overcome stuff like this.
Preface: I am a young woman, not a father sorry if that’s against the rules here
As for the question you asked, I would perhaps approach the conversation with your dad with a little disclaimer. “Dad, I would like to talk to you about something but I’m concerned that if I do, the structure of my life is going to change and I don’t feel like that would be beneficial for me.”
If you don’t think that that would be helpful or that he may just upend you anyhow, you can also approach it with “Dad, I have a lot on my mind that I think I need to talk about but I think it would be best if I talked it out with a therapist.”
My mom was a lot like yours. She has borderline personality disorder. I grew up feeling very similar things to what you’ve described and the two things that helped me most were therapy and the book Surviving a Borderline Parent . If you aren’t comfortable with having those conversations, there is still a lot of healing that you can do for yourself, without having to engage any of the chaos around you and perhaps making it worse. I would just suggest if you get that book to try to hide it. I don’t think your mom would take too kindly to finding it, and if she did it might make things worse for you which is the last thing I want.
Good luck and don’t forget that although SHEs dysfunctional, that doesn’t mean that you have to let all of that in. Let her be crazy on her own time, you are your own person who can chose to not engage.
Yes!
i'm mostly self taught, on and off for years - got burned out and decided to do a web development bootcamp (online). I worked really hard juggling it and a full time job with a crazy schedule. I got very lucky and landed a great job before I even finished the bootcamp.
Learning the skills is a challenge, but overall it's not all that bad, and if you do not want to keep learning for the rest of your life, then this is NOT the job for you.
Learn things and BUILD STUFF. Make some webapps. Come up with an idea, and make it. Set some small goals like "make an app with Vue.js" or something like that. The more you get some hands-on the faster you will make mistakes and the faster you will LEARN. Mistakes are essential to learning, do not be afraid of them - embrace them!
The real important part is just being competent and having the soft skills to work with people. My previous job I had to deal with a lot of things and I learned a lot - that came in very handy coming into this role for sure.
&#x200B;
READ THIS:
https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397
It's a great overview into how to just deal with being a software engineer. Very high level and not technical at all, it will give you some insight.
Amazon.com links provided:
1 The Slight Edge
2 Mastery
3 The 4-Hour Workweek
4 The Art of Power
5 Thinking, Fast, and Slow
6 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
7 The Power of Now
8 The Power of Habit
9 Whatcha Gonna Do with That Duck?
10 The 48 Laws of Power
11 Your True Home
12 Ego Is the Enemy
13 The 4 Hour Body
14 The UltraMind Solution
15 The Dip
I'd say today I'm a non-denominational Pagan. I am a member of OBOD, but there are no seed groves near me and I tend to do my own thing anyway.
The Buckland book I'm talking about is this one. It's a good beginner book for Wicca. So, Traditional Wiccans in a tradition like... say Gardinarian for example. They all have 'rules' they follow like how they call the Watchtowers (directions). They often work via a lineage, like some traditions wouldn't call you official unless you can say which coven trained you. If you wanted to be a true Gardinarian you'd have to find a Gardinarian coven and do the work to get initiated and educated to the point where you could become a HP/HPS and start your own, and that takes years. The diversity comes from the flexibility within the tradition, some traditions allow for more flexibility than others.
And then came the advent of books. Back in the day (60's-70's) you could only get into Wicca by knowing people and getting involved with a Coven. Books of Shadows were never published, and they were heavy on the secrecy. To readers digest history, stuff kinda started changing in the 60's and 70's as more books started to get published, rather in tandem with the cultural revolution at the time. Dianic Wicca and other lady-centric wiccan traditions in tandem with the Feminist movement played a big part in making Wicca more visible to the general public. Stuff began changing in general. People tired of the old school flogging and ritual binding and long drawn out initiations and the ever so very hetero centric 'must have male/female' stuff the old school Wiccan covens had, people began to break off.
Shit really got going in the 80's as more books began to be published about Wicca, and many had solo practitioners in mind. Authors like Scott Cunningham, Raymond Buckland, and others were all people who once were in a Trad coven who broke off and started their own groups or focused on providing info for Solitary Wiccans. Others like Starhawk, Z Budapest, Selena Fox, and many more started their own traditions without coming to Wicca via an old school tradition (seemingly). They were self taught via study through academia or came to it via the Feminist movement or through personal research.
Anyway, lots of history to unpack and I barely scraped any of it. Eclectic Wicca is just a Wiccan group that pulls from many sources and also makes up some of their own stuff, like rituals and whatever. All of this diversity stems from the lack of dogma, and IMO Wicca has a basic structure that's easy to learn, but can be complex and flexible. Celtic Holidays can be replaced with Roman, Strega (Italian), Germanic, etc. ones. The Rede can and often is rewritten to reflect the person/s values in the group, and the basic system of circle casting with the watchtowers can be replaced with winds or directions or animals.
What is good about it is it can grow and change as you do. That's why there's so much diversity, people change and they change their practice, and the traditions are so people can stick together if they want to.
If that makes sense.
They seem a like reasonable starting point I think. Repetition is the mother of mastery, the more books the better (in addition to applying what is learned).
Since Mosh is calling out learning fundamentals as important to becoming a good C# developers, I would personally also recommend some general (non C# specific books) too for who are starting out in software development:
There's a ton more, but those are a few that stood out to me. Essentially the more the merrier in my opinion - books, courses, videos, tutorials, and so on. The books I'm recommending here focus on adopting the developer mindset and being successful at it. That's part of the puzzle.
The other part is understanding the technical details including the programming language and frameworks you intend to use.
And finally, for learning about C#, I do highly recommend Mosh's videos/courses (some are free on YouTube, others available on Udemy). He's got a unique ability to explain things clearly and simply in a way that beginners can pick up quickly.
What I'd do is check out his free content first, and if you agree his style is ideal for learning, an investment in one of his courses is well worth it since he'll cover a lot more breadth and depth on each of the topics and they're organized into a super consumable package rather than scouring the internet for various topics.
I'm an avid reader of business books and have read all of these. Anything Tim Ferris is garbage in my opinion. That being said, there are three books you have to read:
You will get so much mileage out of those three books alone and they're all very easy reads.
Hey, if you dont wanna see a therapist, or atleast not right now, you could message me as someone who has gone through every aspect of anxiety you could imagine over the last few years, and is just now coming out of it and could honestly say its by far and wide the best thing thats ever happened to me. I was so stuck in my head prior to really going thru it starting a few years ago, and man is life getting good now. Ive seen therapists, and read books on it as well and learnt a shit ton about myself and how the human brain works. Feel free to ask about any feelings that you feel, thoughts that worry you and how you started developing these problems in the first place.
To get over your anxiety youve got to understand it first. Some here have already done a good job explaining it, particularly /u/ShavingApples. Anxiety is your built in defense mechanism, you have fear of your defense mechanism, prompting that defense mechanism to be alerted more, leaving you in a never ending cycle of anxiety! Essentially this is all in your head, there is no real danger, it is made up, and therefore theres nothing to be solved!
So what you have to do is completely bypass this vicious cycle, and simply stop reacting to the anxiety/how you feel. However you feel, however much anxiety you have, as scared as you are, dont panic. dont question. just completely accept it, embrace it, have fun with it. Its all in how you react to your anxiety, when you have panic attacks or just feel shitty, thats your body asking you if you should be worried or not, when you give in to the feelings, try to escape the situation your in, start panicking, you confirm to your body that there is a threat. Imagine what would happen if you didn't do that? Imagine you accepted these feelings, and went about your day without even thinking about them for a second? The defense mechanism would stop working! It doesnt need to do anything anymore, as you have confirmed to yourself that there is no more threat! Your anxiety is now gone.
Its really as simple as that. You just have to apply this perspective just one time in a fearful situation like say, driving to your mma gym and working out. If you can get through it without giving in to the anxiety, you'll feel enlightened and empowered, as if youve figured out the secret to life. From that point its just a matter of consistently pushing yourself, meditating and learning about yourself, so that you dont get stuck in your head and keep moving forward (Even if you do get stuck in the future, it will never half as bad as what you're experiencing now, now you live under massive fear, when you take the fear out and realize the result of it, you'll never fully go back to your old ways again).
Another thing you might realize is that when you are completely in the moment, like how you are right now reading this comment, it is impossible to suffer. If you ever find yourself in a scary situation and you just cant accept how you feel, focus on your breath and never stop, take deep breaths through your nose all the way down to your balls, and never stop focusing on your breath. (you could try this now too). The reason you cant feel the anxiety in the moment i.e. suffering, is because fear only exists in the mind, when you are in the moment, you are not thinking, i.e. not using your mind.
Heres some books that really helped me out:
http://www.amazon.com/At-Last-Life-Paul-David-ebook/dp/B007MEMDOS/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=
http://www.amazon.com/Last-Life-Beyond-Paul-David-ebook/dp/B01494XZCM
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment-ebook/dp/B002361MLA/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=
http://www.amazon.com/New-Earth-Oprah-61-Awakening-ebook/dp/B000PC0S5K/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=
So I suggest going to the gym as soon as you can with these new points of view, and try to push through it! Once youve dropped your overall fear of what youre going through, which again, can literally happen instantly, youve unlocked a whole nother world, previously un-visited due to fear. You'll still have anxiety, but its different, its like you dont care about the anxiety anymore and are so numb to its tricks that it doesnt affect you at all anymore, you dont associate yourself with it anymore, you know who you are now. Ive been in this phase for a couple months now, ive had so many moments that have gone from massive fear and anxiety to pure joy that the anxiety just doesnt bother me anymore. Ive seen what its like when you completely accept it, and live in the moment. The only reason im not totally anxiety free is because i havent been living in the moment recently, because ive been overthinking plans and goals ive set for myself and stressing myself out over them. This is inherently a good thing because I wouldnt have set any of these goals in the first place if I still was in fear, but im just now learning to stop thinking and stressing myself out and just getting things done. Youre essentially on the cusp of being at the same point, you just need to stop worrying about how you feel.
Good luck!
So I'm not trying to be a dick by asking this but I have been reading this book about mindfulness and depression that was suggested on /r/Anxiety. One of the things the book talks about is the way depression fucks with our thinking. My question to you is "How do you know things won't get better?" Unless you have some sort of X-Men type power that can see into the future, you don't know that things will not get better. Sure 8 months seems like a long time but if you really really think about it, it's such a small amount of time in your life. Depression can really really cripple your mind. It twists reality into something that isn't the true, and it does it so well that you end up stuck in a loop of negative thinking. You get so down on yourself that you actually start to believe that those negative thoughts seem true. Stopping those negative thoughts is not an easy task, I'll give you that. I have been there, in fact many people have been there. You might be thinking "Dude, no one can understand where I am at right now. You don't know me!" You are right I don't know your struggles, but a struggle is a struggle no matter what it is, am I right? So why compare your struggles to someone elses's? Struggles are on a level playing field. what is not a level playing field is how long it takes us to overcome those struggles, and there should be no shame in that. Why? Because your still trying to overcome those struggles. Trust me in this, and I am sure everyone in this sub can attest to what I am about to say, giving up on overcoming those struggles isn't going to make you feel any better, change your life for the better, or make you feel good about yourself. Eventually it'll land you right back to where you started. The cycle will happen over and over again until you figure it out. Now you gotta ask yourself, how long do I want to stay in that cycle? My whole life? A few more times? Or do I just keep pushing forward, even if it's millimeters at a time? I say go with the millimeters. Sure you might not see immediate results, or maybe you will, but you don't know unless you keep moving those millimeters. And if you fail, accept that it happened. Don't wallow in that drowning sludge of sorrow and guilt. Wallowing just makes it harder. Forgive yourself and move on. I'll suggest 2 books that really have really helped me in understand my anxiety and depression a little better. First one is called The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Feeling Good by David Burns. I know the titles sound super hippy dippy and cheezy. I had that thought as well when they were suggested, but once I started reading them the stuff they were saying made a fuck ton of sense. I found myself often saying "Holy shit! That is exactly how I feel and exactly my thought process. These are not cures, they are tools. Like any tool you can either let it sit there or you can pick it up and try to figure out how to use it to your advantage and you have to keep applying it. It might sound daunting but believe me friend the more you practice it the easier it is. Please give those books a try, I mean considering the alternative (staying where you are at or going back to something that is going to make you feel worse about yourself) what is $20 and an hour of reading for a couple of months? Also, fucking 8 months!!! Holy shit! That is fan-friggin'-tastic. How about staying in it for another two months and make it a year. You're a warrior! You can do it. You just gotta try to break out of that cycle and rewire that negative thought pattern. I promise you it's easier than you think...or your depression thinks.
Not everyone has the mental fortitude to start their own business. You may not have what it takes. The reason I say that is because of what I've experienced the past couple years. I'll give you the cliff notes version.
I'm turning 30 next month. For the last 10 years I've been a part of different businesses, startups, and started a few of my own businesses on the side. I always had a fulltime job that supported me, but I worked on side projects in my free time. Like you I had been dreaming about the day I would own my own business fulltime for YEARS, and I had been actively working towards that goal.
Fast forward to 2 years ago. I finished school, moved to a different city, and started my own business (it's a service business that is client based). I was FINALLY my own boss. All of 2013 I tried so many things to get clients in the door, some of it works, most of it didn't. Worked my ass off, got depressed after working so hard for months and seeing no results and barely getting by. Lost weight because I wasn't eating enough because I couldn't afford food. Borrowed money from every family member I could.
Finally, at the beginning of 2014 I started to get traction. The seeds I planted were starting to pay off. I got media attention and I thought I 'made it'. Not only could I pay all my bills, I had money left over at the end of the month. I enjoyed that success for a few months, but then I made the mistake of resting on my laurels and eventually clients ran out. I then refocused, started crushing it a few months ago, and now I'm finally getting back to the level I was before. I now have systems in place so I won't ever go back to that place I was, that I will keep growing and be more focused.
Why does all of this matter? It matters because being a business owner is HARD. It's arguably the hardest thing I've done, and I have literally been preparing and dreaming of it for over a decade. There were many times I nearly failed, I made countless mistakes, and it affected my happiness substantially. There were many times I would have given up had I not burned the proverbial boats. I HAD to make this work, there was no other way.
Why does it apply to you? Because having a good work ethic and being self motivated is CRITICAL to success when you own your own business. Read stories of other entrepreneurs, they are always working far more hours then their friends, they are passionate, driven, and goal oriented.
Why am I writing all of this? Because I don't think I started out having the most amazing work ethic. There were many times over the past couple years where I would take a day off here or there in addition to my weekends, or that I would do the minimum during my work day. Some of that was due to depressing circumstances, but I was also too easy on myself because I have spent my whole life being conditioned to take orders from a boss. Now I was the boss, and I was being too nice to my number one employee! I had to learn the hard way how to keep myself motivated, and now I consider myself an excellent and effective worker. These are the things I've done, maybe some of them will work for you:
More so than anything, I think the thing that keeps me motivated are those times I can point to in the past couple years where I had no money. Where I was eating one meal a day, and I was depressed as fuck. I don't ever want to go back there. Some people can learn from others mistakes, other people have to learn the hard way. I wanted to be the former, but I turned out to be the latter.
Now, you're road may be easier than mine. Maybe you are smarter than me, maybe you have advantages I don't have, I have no way of knowing. All I know is that I was like you, I dreamed of owning my own business for years, and the reality is far different than what I imagined. That being said, I have learned and grown so much, I feel like I am a much better person because of the struggle I have gone through (and still am going through to be honest).
TL;DR: Owning a business is hard. You may not have what it takes. There is hope, even if you are a bad worker, you can learn to be a good one that is self motivated.
I'm reading this right now that is only adding fuel to my desire to work non stop. Haha
Kan bara tala för mig själv, men det som har hjälpt mig när livet varit som tuffast är att se framåt och börja sätta upp mål att bygga mot. Om du börjar nu kan du bli vem fan du vill om 3 år. Ja, det kommer vara tufft på vägen, men om du inte har något att se fram emot eller att sträva emot blir det lätt att man känner att allt är meningslöst. Där du är nu kommer du inte vara för evigt, även det kommer gå över.
Men du kan alltid börja om. Ditt förflutna är inte samma sak som din framtid. Du kan börja om NU. Du kan bestämma vem du vill bli och vem du vill vara och bli den personen nu, oavsett ditt förflutna. Du kan bestämma dig för att aldrig svika någon igen, du kan bestämma dig för att leva efter dina principer och bli en person som du kan känna stolthet för istället för skam. Tro mig, jag har varit i total misär men har idag lyckats vända livet helt och lever ett liv få förunnat. Du kan också göra detta, men det börjar med att du bestämmer dig.
Vad som fungerar för dig kanske är något helt annat. Men för min del bestämde jag mig för att ta tag i min hälsa och självrespekt. Jag började sakta men säkert förändra mina dåliga vanor och började med bra vanor. Meditation, bra sömn och kost samt träning är några klassiska exempel som är ack så effektiva för att förändra ens självkänsla och syn på världen.
Det finns även böcker som hjälpt mig på vägen och nu vet jag inte om du är i tillstånd att läsa, men några exempel på böcker som hjälpt mig enormt är:
&#x200B;
No more mr nice guy
The power of now
Unlimited power
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Jag hoppas du tar dig på fötter igen, tro det eller ej men världen behöver dig. Det är också ofta personer som har "hit rock bottom" som tar sig upp igen som är mest lämpade för att göra världen till en bättre plats och hjälpa andra. Bara att du tar dig tid att skriva den här posten tyder på att det finns en del av dig som är redo att ta tag i situationen. Du är bara i ett jävligt negativt tillstånd just nu, och då känns det som att allting suger, även framtiden. Detta är bara en illusion som du kan ta dig ur, och när du är ute kommer du kunna se tillbaka på det och förstå precis vad jag menar nu. Jag tror på dig.
If you haven't already, read Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, which gives a really interesting analysis of (among many other things) anchoring.
>"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence"
Ugh... I hear this all the time. I've still never met anyone who can tell me what constitutes "extraordinary evidence," and when you unpack it, an "extraordinary claim" always seems to mean a claim that the person disagrees with.
Kapleau's Three Pillars of Zen has some great autobiographical anecdotes about people reaching enlightenment and describing their experiences. It's not scientific evidence, but it's something, and I'm not sure what scientific evidence would look like for such a private experience. Our neuroscience is still relatively primitive but some day it may give a fuller explanation of what's going on in the "kensho" experience.
Well, the thing about this question is really haven't really figured out a good way to actually answer it. The phenotype is poorly defined (what, exactly, is "intelligence", in scientific terms?), the conditions under which it evolved are not all that well known, and the genetic architecture underlying it has to to be enormously complex. Couple that with the fact that the one species that exhibits the phenotype (humans), is the one that we can't do genetic experiments on (for obvious reasons), and I think you'll see why it's so difficult.
Nonetheless, it is a really fascinating question, so there have been many attempts to sort of "logic out" some answers. Unfortunately (for you, at least), I'm not terribly well read on the topic, so I'm not sure how much help I can be. Even worse, the wikipedia article on the topic really leaves something to be desired. It still might not be a bad idea to read through it (or at least the "models" section), as the basic ideas are right, and should give you a feel for what current thinking is. I would recommend that you take anything state there as if it were fact with a grain of salt, however, unless you can actually find the statement in a citation, and the citation seems credible. Some sections of that article look to me like they were written by individuals clearly biased in favor of or against one or the other of the hypotheses.
Worst of all, I think the article does a really terrible job with my personal favorite hypothesis, the runaway sexual selection one, so I'll do a quick run down on that one, just to give you an idea.
The first thing we need to get over is the apparent "sexism" of many sexual selection hypotheses. That is, the notion that males are competitive, and try to mate with as many females as possible, while females are choosy, preferring to mate with only the "best" males. This logic results from the fact that females have to invest a lot of time and energy in childbirth (nine months, and all the other stuff that comes with being pregnant for humans), whereas the commitment is far less for males. Also, once a female is pregnant, she can't get pregnant again until she's had the kid, so she'd better be sure she's getting the best bang for her buck, genetically speaking, that she can. Males, on the other hand, can just turn around and mate with a new female as quick as they can convince one to do so. This creates a dichotomy between the sexes. Males are competitive, females are choosy.
Now, moving on. Imagine you have a population of humans who have some degree of genetic variation in intelligence. Imagine also, that there is genetic variation among females as to how desirable they find intelligence to be in a mate. So we have intelligent males, and unintelligent males. And we have choosy females, and non-choosy females. So, obviously, the choosy females are going to mate predominantly with the intelligent males, and they're offspring are going to be both choosy, and intelligent. The non-choosy females will not really care who they mate with (at least not with regard to their intelligence), so their offspring will be closer to average intelligence, and not terribly choosy. The unintelligent males, however, will only really mate with the non-choosy females, as the choosy ones will reject them.
So, you see, in this model, the more intelligent a male is, the more mating opportunities he has. The most intelligent males can mate with the choosiest of females, and with the least choosy, while the least intelligent males can only mate with the females who don't give a damn how smart they are. So, being intelligent leads to having more offspring, which means genes for intelligence will spread through the population.
Interestingly (and less obviously), choosiness also spreads through the population under this model. This is because choosy females will mate with intelligent males, and as such their male offspring will be more intelligent. Those males also carry the genes for choosiness though, so their daughters will be choosy. And because those intelligent sons will be the best at reproducing in their generation, there will be an increase in the average choosiness of the females during the next generation. Thus, choosiness of females increases alongside intelligence of males.
Now, you may be thinking, "But wait! If intelligence is only valuable in males, and choosiness only in females, then why are women smart, and men choosy (well, at least to some extent)?". This is a problem. To my knowledge, however, all of the other candidate explanations either far less compelling, or running in to problems of similar difficulty. I believe that Geoffrey Miller, the leading proponent of the runaway selection hypothesis of human intelligence (he wrote entire book on topic, by the title of The Mating Mind; it may be worth a read if you're interested, although from what I've heard, it may be a wee bit dense for someone not well versed in evolution) dismisses this concern by stating simply that the genetics behind intelligence (and choosiness) must not be sexually dimorphic, so by selecting for more intelligent males, females were also bequeathing their daughters with genes for intelligence, and their sons with genes for choosiness.
It seems the optimal thing to do, from a strict cost benefit analysis perspective, would be to have genes for intelligence down regulated in females so they don't waste all that energy investing in complex, intelligent brains, when it could be better spent on reproduction (see what I mean about the "sexism" concerns; we have to be careful and realize that we're not passing judgements on what "should" or "should not" be, but rather what makes cold, calculated, evolutionary sense). Perhaps females had to be as intelligent as their male counterparts to be good judges of males intelligence when they were being choosy.......or something?
As you can see, I've delved quite far enough into hand-waving nonsense at this point, so I'll stop. This inevitably seems to happen whenever we try to figure out why humans are so gosh darn smart. It's an interesting question, but just not one that has a whole lot of really good, sound answers yet. And unfortunately, most of the hypotheses that sound reasonable, are also extremely hard to test.
Hope that...uh...helped.....
edit: I just realized that I didn't actually address some of your direct questions.
>Is human-level intelligence just an unlikely thing because so much has to go right, so it's surprising that even one species evolved to have it?
Possibly because so much has to go right (i.e. it is genetically very complex, and in many cases the mutations may simply never arise), but I think more importantly because it just doesn't seem to be all that necessary. Basically, all the really stupid animals do just fine. They have other strategies besides intelligence, and as long as they manage to reproduce, survive to reproductive age, reproduce again, etc., they don't need to be intelligent.
>Or are we simply the first of many, and we can expect to play chess against lions in 30 million years?
Seems doubtful, given what I just said above. Evolution is pretty much impossible to predict though (at least at the macro scale), so we can't really know.
Well, youthful-looking, clear skin and eyes, healthy, all the "right" physical attributes - I think plenty of people do. Some people are able to subvert that, but I'd say most people go for the "able to have/raise kids successfully" attractiveness thing.
Good book on sexual selection:
The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mating-Mind-Sexual-Evolution/dp/038549517X
You're definitely not alone. In the awesome book Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again, the authors talk about how if you've grown up with an entitled, self-absorbed, emotionally distant parental figure, you may initially feel un-excited by partners who treat you well, like something is missing. Their repeated advice is to "avoid cold partners with whom you generate high chemistry" and to give it a chance with partners who treat you well even though it won't feel as initially thrilling as it will with partners who, in their terminology, "trigger your lifetrap".
> You need a counsellor.
I agree. And/or learn to be more mindful, because our brain to a large extent has a mind of its own which can cause problems in many respects, not just regards romantic aspects /r/mindfulness
You will probably also find The Female Brain by Brizendine helpful.
Try out Uncle Bucky's Big Blue Book
https://www.amazon.com/Bucklands-Complete-Witchcraft-Llewellyns-Practical/dp/0875420508
This is a terrific book detailing exactly what you are asking.
Backyard Homestead
This book was my guide for doing the same thing.
The Backyard Homestead: Produce all... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1603421386?ref=yo_pop_ma_swf
Didn't mean to come across as hostile. And I still say you can't get all of your food from 1/4 acre. People typically cite the Dervaes Family but fail to realize that they use massive inputs for their systems and still don't get all of their food from their gardens. The best example that I've seen that has actually been self sufficient food wise and published info on it is Marjory Wildcraft of growyourowngroceries.org. She said in on interview you needed at least five acres. Paul Wheaton also did an interview with a couple that had been doing intensive gardening in their 1/5 acre urban plot for the past 7 years and they were only able to get about 50% of one person's diet. They stated that it would require several acres per person to really be self sufficient food wise.
So, are you talking about this book? That book is entirely unrealistic and I seriously doubt that anyone following that model would be successful. I would love to see someone who has actually done it but all the real world examples I have seen point to the fact that you need far more land than 1/4 to make this work.
I think a very helpful book to read would be The ONE Thing.
I've written a blog post that sums up the book.
The gist is, once you have determined the most effective thing to do, which by doing, will make everything else easier or unnecessary, you do that ONE thing, first thing in the day.
You offered a lot of good habits to work on. The key the book pushes is, determine what the single most important one is, and do that thing, first thing, every day.
Some science that will help;
Focus on one change at a time.
Create and Implementation Intention for the new habit.
Attach this II at the end of a habit you already have.
My example is I've never been good at pull ups. I created the Implementation Intention, "If I use the bathroom, I will do two pull ups." Its so simple and I am doing between 20-30 pull ups a day.
Thank you for sharing. What is the field you freelance in?
>I don’t regret having one, just extremely ashamed of being sexual and communicating it to girls and also showing it to the world. Attracting girls’ attention and whatnot isn’t very hard but progressing things to dating, holding hands and eventually sex is impossible. I can’t even call them or message them on Facebook or Whatsapp because I just feel like an idiot for doing so. Making a move in clubs and bars is also difficult although I once got close to leaving with a girl but she didn't want to. I got made fun of a lot growing up for not having a girlfriend and this made me feel like i do not deserve one. It doesn't matter if I've got the green light to go ahead I just feel really ashamed do it. Even something like looking at a fit girl wearing a short skirt makes me feel bad for checking her out and that I shouldn’t be doing it.
I know what you mean. I've been there myself, but even when I was there I was entirely self-aware of my shame and I was skeptical of the validity of my emotional reactions; I realized they were ingrained. Being aware of your emotional reactions allows you to be emotionally proactive. Your sex-negative problem is mostly an emotional issue, and not much else, right? I've been there. I wouldn't doubt that you are also decent looking and have both latent and actualized social skills. Most intelligent introverts have a lot of potential to be who they want to be because they know themselves more deeply than others. You must use your introverted nature to your advantage and recognize the differences in others and yourself. In all honesty, there are an infinite number of unwritten rules; everyone's abstract/emotional logic is different. Many of them are foundational and predictable, however; including yours and mine. Like anything else, being emotionally predictable is not a black/white issue. It is a grey area, and you have to balance your reliability with creativity.
Being made fun of for not having a girlfriend is just as sexist as being made fun of for not having a boyfriend; gender equal too. Were you ever shamed for not having a boyfriend? It's clearly a matter of groupthink and extroverted style; not for everyone. Dating relationships, for extroverts especially, are often attention-getting and showy. They wear their relationships like trophies won. Usually introverts prefer a more private relationship because they have less social desire and are often shamed because of it. Introverts are “themselves” more often in private. Extroverts are “themselves” more often in public. There is no shame deserved either way, regardless of popular opinion. Both styles have their strengths and weaknesses, and you should try to introject some of the traits that you enjoy in others; regardless of type. That is how you become balanced.
>I’m receiving counselling from a pastor who advocates the whole “no sex before marriage” thing and believes that people should only date to get married and sex is only for making kids which is stupid IMO because I do not plan on getting married anytime soon.
Counseling from a Catholic pastor? Watch out, that is one of the most notorious sex-negative societies out there. They own the abstinence-only charade while they parade horribles. Marriage is not the answer to anything; it is an institution of the state. Anything else attached is sentimental.
If you haven't already, I recommend doing an in-depth study of animal sexual behaviors; especially the most intelligent animals. All animals have sex for pleasure, but some animals are only driven to have sex at certain times of the year; humans are on a 24/7 system.
>I’ve tried the no fap route and gotten very high days counts but that hasn’t really helped me at all.
Sexual frustration doesn't help anyone. If you are mindful, then you can use your libido to further your goals, but it is not an all-cure.
>Got any sources to help overcome sex-negative perspectives? I’m interested in recreational sex not baby making sex.
Absolutely. I recommend starting with actual sex science and learning about male and female psychology and neurology. Then work your way into reading about sex culture. You should also study developmental psychology as you will probably need the clinical context in order to objectively self-evaluate your childhood influences; it is necessary for self-therapy. The best therapy will always be self-therapy; no one will ever know you better than yourself.
Evolutionary Science and Morals Philosophy:
The Selfish Gene
The Moral Landscape
The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined
Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do?
Sex Psychology, Science, and Neurology:
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex
The Female Brain
The Male Brain
Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love
What Do Women Want
Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between)
Sex: The world's favorite pastime fully revealed
Behavioral Psychology and Abstract Economics:
How Pleasure Works
Freakonomics
Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking
Thinking Fast And Slow
We Are All Weird
Developmental Psychology:
Nurture Shock
Hauntings: Dispelling The Ghosts That Run Our Lives
Empathy Building:
Half The Sky
The House On Mango Street
Me Before You
The Fault In Our Stars
Also check out James Hollis' Understanding The Psychology of Men lecture if you can find it.
Movies: XXY, Tom Boy, Dogtooth, Shame, Secretary, Nymphomaniac, Juno, Beautiful Creatures, and The Man From Earth.
All of these things are related, but it is up to you to make the connections; pick and choose which material suits your interests best. These are the things that came to mind first, and they have all influenced my perspectives.
The Female Brain
and The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine was a really good book that I didn't feel like it really needed much knowledge of neuroscience to understand.
I read that in high school because it was in the library, and I was interested in the brain. I might have been 14 or 15 the time, and both books kept my ADD teenage brain interested long enough to read it before I got distracted by another book, video, or something else on history, biology, chemistry, astronomy, science fiction, eta.
It is about gender differences in the brain, behavior, and psychology.
It is has both psychology and neuroscience in it. This is something that might be more interesting
then a general book about the brain.
By reading it, I definitely learned about at least the macro level of the brain. You have to talk about the general in order to explain the differences well. If I read a book about the differences between red wolves and gray wolves, I will learn a lot about wolves in general, too.
A book recommended to me by my colleagues because I teach AP Psych - The Female Brain. Really good so far.
The basic premise is that a lot of the research in neuroscience was always done on male brains, and it wasn't until the 1990s that we started to explore the differences in the female brain. The book discusses how hormones and our brain affect us at each stage of the lifespan. There are also chapters on specific topics such as emotion.
Male Wiccan here. I hear you bud, it was something I struggled to find when I was starting as well. Then I discovered Raymond Buckland's big blue book. He also wrote a similar book focused on solo practitioners and I read both and found the big blue book to be a little more interesting and still helps solo practitioners. He's a great writer and very informative. He writes a little more scholarly as well which I loved. I found most writers on Wicca were a little more passionate then informative. Here's a link to the Amazon page but I've seen this book in most metaphysical shops.
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0875420508/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_JxkoDbDRWQYDC
Find an interest and find others with that interest and join groups that support that interest. Hiking groups, dog walking/dog park groups, meetups, etc.
You may not be a church type (I'm not) but join a church just for practice. I do enjoy Quaker meetings, that's a progressive group. There are progressive churches if you look (assuming that's to your tastes, if not, it's easier to find conservative places). Quaker meeting is also good.
I (an introvert, check out /r/introvert, it helped me) like meditation and there are Buddhist Vipassana groups around the country and these groups are often filled with non-monastics types like me and they are very welcoming. If you let me know what city you are in I can find one.
If you are brave enough, Toastmasters is good.
Perhaps volunteer at an animal shelter. Volunteer somewhere.
Reading books can help. Books on self-esteem from your library or Amazon, like this one by Matthew McKay can help. Self help books helped me a lot.
More power to you!
On the topic of self-love, totally recommend this book. I've only just started it though, but I'm very impressed.
"Surviving the Borderline Parent. How to heal your childhood wounds & build trust, boundaries and self-esteem." And it's helping me do just that. I really recommend it.
Amazon will let you read the first part of it.
http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287
>I learned that was I was, was too much, for anyone, but especially her. I learned that my emotions were too messy and no one wanted, or needed, to hear about them.
I love the way you put that. I too, had emotions that too messy.
> I learned to say sorry compulsively.
Yes. I still do this ALL the time (to anyone). And then I beat myself up in my head for apologizing for something that clearly wasn't my fault. Sometimes I say sorry for things that don't even have fault or blame associated with them. My earliest memory of this was in the 6th grade. An older girl told me the tag on my shirt was sticking out. I apologized. She started giggling with her friend. Why did she apologize? My heart breaks for little me in that moment. So confused. Decades away from getting any sort of clarity. I really just want to give little me a hug and tell her it's gonna be okay.
>I learned I was crazy, manipulative, not good enough.
Yes ☑️☑️☑️ It seems like a lot of us we're told similar messages. I wonder if there's something more to that.
>I've overcome some of this stuff quite well, others I'm still fighting. I know there's more stuff, this is just that came to my mind easily without thinking too hard, I don't wanna dive too deep at the moment.
Thanks for sharing everything you did with us ♥️
>This is a very thought provoking post, thank you for making it and giving us space to hash all of this stuff out. Really, it means a lot. Thank you. <3
You're welcome. I'm so glad you got something out of it. The post was inspired by an exercise from the book Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem.
The best book I've read on the subject urban survival is How to Survive the End of the World as We Know It.
For wilderness survival go for The SAS Survival Handbook.
As for growing crops, first aid, things like that, I find its best to learn those skills from a non-survival oriented book. You can apply the skills you learn in them to your personal situation (geographical location, financial restraints, likely local disasters, etc).
That being said, the best books on growing food and livestock are The Encyclopedia of Country Living and The Backyard Homestead.
Finally, while it's technically not a book, The Survival Podcast has a priceless wealth of informational podcasts on different subjects pertaining to modern survivalism.
I work from home for the last 3 years now on the same company. We keep core hours and have to be online from 10am-4pm (or 5 or 6pm, lol, I don't know). The point is, we need to be available for communication, but we can work anytime we want, as long as we produce an output everyday (which is similar to the non-zero day idea: http://www.reddit.com/r/NonZeroDay/comments/1qbtd6/this_belongs_here_ryans01_original_post_about_non/)
The first few years were kinda harsh on my physical, mental, and emotional health since I wanted to be really good at what I'm doing, and hit the deadlines (which are often than not, very different). The industry is very volatile, and so you need to be always updated. If you're young, you'll need to catch-up, and it will be hardwork. But at the same time, you only have your body, so you've to take care of yourself.
I got really big and got a 34% body fat at one point. And damn, I was like I need to change it. I've done muay thai and c25k training to jump start my fitness adventure. But now, I'm just mainly doing strength training with plyometrics on my lunch times. But aside from adding fitness activities, I fixed my rest schedule and diet.
I used to be that person who sleeps at 5:30am, btw! But I switched my schedule such that instead of sleeping late late to keep up with the deadlines, I will just rest (YAY) and wake up very early!
I often wake up at 5:30ish -6 am, and read and fuck around the internet or go to sleep or continue with work. I sunbathe for a bit around 7am and walk around. I stop working at 5:30pm to walk around and get some sun before it sets (it's just my thing, man).
There's quite a lot of articles around the internet for this sort of thing. But other productive things that works for me are:
bonus: read this http://www.amazon.com/The-ONE-Thing-Surprisingly-Extraordinary/dp/1885167776
edited to really answer the question lol
Hey,
I think the things you say here point to a problem with the advice we often give. I will argue that training your macro will always pay off. This is why it's often the first and last piece of advice given out to players.
However, I would highly encourage you to read Peak by Anders Ericsson. In it, he describes what has been learned from the scientific study of expert performance and how to achieve it yourself most efficiently. One thing he notes is that at any given point, you need to evaluate what your personal weakness is. Break the activity into groups of skills and pick the one that is holding you back the most. Focus all your effort in deliberate practice training (isolation of a component outside of actual game time using drills) on that one skill for a few weeks or a couple of months. Rinse and repeat. It seems that, while your macro certainly can continue to improve (you Flash bro?), at this point, your macro is not your weakest skill. So focus on those instead. The comments you get on reddit aren't responsive to your current / present situation, like the advice of a coach would be.
So, what to do if you're in your particular situation. Ericsson indicates that Chess (of which Starcraft shares many similarities except the mechanical aspect) Grand Masters are identified most readily not by how many games they've played, but how many they've studied. This suggests that the "games sense" or "game knowledge" that would allow you to identify clues and instantly hit upon the exact response needs work.
Here is how I address this problem: create a loss log. Use this to index all your losses. Then every 100 games or so, evaluate what is causing you to lose most in any given match up. If you notice you lost most often to ZvP cheese such as ling bane busts, then take the next step. Find a friend. Either by joining a clan, or asking in the r/ allthingsX communities. Identify what you want to work on and drill, over and over, that hold until you get it. Then, ladder some more. Find that you now lose the most to TvP 5 rax before Factory timings (Maru v sOs)? Do the same thing, go to r/allthingsterran, or your clan and ask for a terran of your or higher skill to run that build against you over and over and over.
Also, watch and index pro games by player, map, build and date. Keep this log and when you find a build that gives you trouble, look at your pro game log and find examples of how your Protoss pro counterparts reacted. THen do that in your practice games with your practice partners. Over time, you will develop the ability to respond instantly to the info you scout.
And remember, you are losing to things you should be losing to. Each game is a gift given to you by your opponent. They are giving you their precious time to help you identify what you are weak to. How you react is up to you. React appropriately by thanking them, making a note of that weakness and making a plan to address it. Otherwise the salt will take over.
Lastly. One thing I always find inspiring when salty. The root word (In latin I think) for "compete" means to "strive together." Our society and culture has turned competition into this, you vs me, you lose I win, zero sum game. But it doesn't have to be this way. The Romans looked at competition as an "us" thing, an activity that allowed both participants to improve together. Don't hate your opponent. Without them you could never identify weaknesses and thus could never improve.
Not at all, I could probably go on for hours talking about what lead me to improve more effectively. It all came down to learning how to do deliberate practice, which I learned from Anders Ericsson's book. It's essentially finding your weaknesses through feedback, working on those areas by studying those who do it best, then applying it to your own work for further feedback; That's pretty much what my typical day looks like. Though, it's a lot more complicated and nuanced than that. I highly recommend looking into deliberate practice to anyone serious about improving.
In most spiritual traditions, sensations in your third eye are considered a sign of progress.
In Hinduism, it could mean that you are opening your ajna chakra, and you should continue what you're doing. Or, it could mean that there as a blockage there or you're progressing to fast, and you should take a break from your practice until it goes away.
I've experienced sensations in all of the traditional chakras at one time or another, so I'd say there is something to chakras. But, I belong to the Theravada Buddhism tradition.
In Theravada and Zen Buddhism, it would be interpreted as a part of your self trying to distract you from your practice, so you should continue what you're doing and not let it distract you.
If you're interested in attaining samadhi via the Hindu traditions, I'd recommend reading Raja-Yoga by Swami Vivekananda.
If you're interested in attaining enlightenment (or satori) via Zen Buddhism, The Three Pillars of Zen by Philip Kapleau is an excellent book.
If you're interested in attaining enlightenment via Theravada Buddhism, What the Buddha Taught by Walpola Rahula is excellent and freely available.
This book was invaluable to me in learning the specifics about how to sit, practice, etc.
I remember hearing... or reading?... about a study where they were testing burnout. What they did to test it was give several groups an impossible-to-complete task and timed how long they took to give up. Two groups were presented with radishes, and the other two with cookies- the radish groups were the control. Of the two groups presented with cookies, one was told not to have a cookie, and the other group was given no instructions about the cookies- they could have as many as they wanted, and most had one or two.
The group that was instructed not to have the cookie gave up after spending only 40% as much time on the task as the other groups.
Aha! I remember, I read about this in This book. (I may be quoting numbers wrong and don't have a copy handy to check, if somebody else does, I'd appreciate the correction!)
Anyway, The point I wanted to make is that willpower is a finite resource- but one that can be replenished, conserved, and spent wisely. The book describes it with the metaphor of a mahout riding an elephant: "You", the 'smart' part of your brain, are the mahout- and the 'elephant' is the part that does the work commanded by 'you', or more to the point, the part that is 'feeling burned out'. So there are two things to do here, if you want to reach this goal. First, do not let your elephant realize that it has any option but reaching this goal: if the elephant can get away with less, it will try to. Think of a 4.0 GPA as normal- and you'll be able to trick your elephant.
The second thing to do is: Take care of your elephant. Elephants- the real thing, I mean, not the stupid part of you- need to eat a LOT. they need exercise. They need to socialize. And they need very strict discipline when working. So you- the mahout- can slack off sometimes, when the elephant is working. And the elephant can slack off sometimes- while the mahout is watching. But never both at the same time, or the elephant runs amok and the mahout has to do an elephant's work.
It's fairly established psychology, and it's just a small piece of the puzzle. Using the right words and emphasising them is not enough to sell, it's a part of the entire thing.
You can't prime someone to do something they wouldn't have a tendency to do in the first place, so a person couldn't get you to kill yourself. He's helping you reach the conclusions you're already on your way to reach. Read something like Thinking Fast and Slow and Predictably Irrational for more on these kinds of things.
> Think that's not accurate.
You're seem to be thinking from the part of your brain that ususally does the wanting.
maybe read some Kahneman - Thinking fast and Slow or Robert A. Wilson - Prometheus rising to get a better understanding. There's also good training exercises in the latter one.
https://www.amazon.com/Three-Pillars-Zen-Teaching-Enlightenment/dp/0385260938
http://www.amazon.com/Three-Pillars-Zen-Teaching-Enlightenment/dp/0385260938
It's been argued that people only make music in order to signal sexually, kind of like how peacocks have long tails.
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Mind-Sexual-Choice-Evolution/dp/038549517X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1312595865&amp;sr=8-1
So in a sense it makes more sense for men to make music, because so much of the male attractiveness function is already made up of appearance.
In other words, you might want to either become so good at music that your music is genuinely some of the best stuff out there, or else find a field where it's harder to duplicate the efforts of society's best and put them on every hard drive.
Anyway, I'm a guy and you definitely have my support, sympathy, etc. In general, men are luckier because if they want to make themselves more attractive their are effective means available. I really wish there was an equally effective thing women could do...
Yeah, the title is: "The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature".
Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Mind-Sexual-Choice-Evolution/dp/038549517X
> Lemons Markets -- This so true. If you have never done IT purchasing, you don't understand the pain from both dealing with vendors and convincing the business. Also, This marketing isn't dissimilar to linguistic research on food.
Some researchers argue
that the problem is a fundamental to the evolution of “higher” species,
i.e. the species with sexual selection. There’s the ones that choose
mating partners (females in humans), and the ones that have to do their
best to get chosen. Thus superficial traits evolve in the latter that
initially correlate very highly with “good genetic material” (i.e. genes
that increase the offspring’s likelihood of surviving). Once those traits
(often cited is body symmetry) have been established, though, it’s
often cheaper for an organism to just exhibit the visible traits because
those are the ones that increase one’s reproductive success. The
actually beneficial traits that they represented at some time now
become a relative burden.
Miller (the guy I cited above) strongly emphasizes the parallels between
the role of marketing and sales for a company’s success with the
display of traits in organisms that reproduce sexually. The lemon market
is probably more than just an analogy.
Who Moved My Cheese?
Whenever I see those 'CHANGE IS INEVITABLE' posts I harkon back to the 1 star reviews of Who Moved My Cheese...
I personally really enjoy the practice. It's the simple enjoyment of getting better at something, refinement of a skill. I find honing and refining skills satisfying, and it's enjoyable to see my improvement when I apply my practice to real matches. Mastery by George Leonard is a great short read on what the path of mastery means. It's helped to shape my perspective about many things.
It's basically more like a competitive sport/activity rather than a game for shits and giggles. No one goes into a piano, or tennis competition and complains they can't win because they don't want to put in the work. Competitive things aren't for everyone, some people just want to have fun and burn time, I'd say to them that they probably want to look for a different game.
I only practice combos before matches to double check my timings, probably 3 times with each combo at most. Combo execution is really easy in SFV so no point grinding them past a point.
Here's what I do practice.
Therapy is absolutely worth it imo. BUT and the big but is that you need to find the right kind of therapist. There are many, many different types of therapy out there. Personally? I felt like I wasted thousands on talking therapy in the beginning and I just kept rehashing and reliving the trauma with pretty much no progress.
The therapies that I got the most out of because of my trauma was 1. Havening - had the quickest most immediate response to this so therefore it ended up being the cheapest 2. Hypnotherapy - I got a lot out of this because while I logically knew a lot of truths but so much of it wasn't being accepted by my subconscious for some reason. Hypnotherapy sorted that 3. EMDR - also great.
Now I do talking therapy for current stuff going on in my life to get a sounding board and unbiased opinion. That was just me - but talking to 'fix' was the biggest waste of time and money for me - however, talking to maintain has been great. Ultimately you need to find your own therapeutic path. It's pretty frustrating because there isn't a one size fits all. Then on top of it, especially with talking therapists you need to have a connection. So you are constantly having to give the whole story over and over. I found the other therapies had a much better effect on me and allowed me to connect with a therapist much easier once I felt I was more in maintenance mode vs crisis mode.
Im not sure where you are but I feel like there are probably websites out there that review therapists.
Also: some really great books that helped me (and are much cheaper) are:
Good luck!
Most fundamentally you want to be sure there aren't any schemas that are causing a lot of this tendency to experience negative emotions. Schemas are enduring negative patterns that determine how we see the world (they're basically what you could also call "core beliefs"), and are usually formed in childhood, often (but far from always) at the hands of parents. The psychologist Jeffrey Young created Schema Therapy, and pointed out 18 different schemas, which can be found here: http://www.davidbricker.com/clientsguideSchemaTherapy.pdf (note: ignore the first few pages which talk about personality disorders). If you find any of the 18 that really hit home, then I'd highly recommend the best "self-help" book I've read as a therapist, Reinventing Your Life by Young and Klosko, which delineates eleven of the eighteen schemas, including a presentation of how your life might be like (including interpersonally), how schemas form, and how they can be changed.
Schemas are ultimately deep belief filters that get activated by relevant stimuli (e.g., a person experiences intense anger because of underlying hurt -- anger almost always being secondary to a softer primary emotion -- at a person's neutral statement which was interpreted to mean this person was incompetent or a failure, which stands for the failure schema). In psychology cognitions are the roots of emotion, so to attempt to change emotions you have to look at cognitions.
You also have to look at physiological and behavioral ways of managing your emotions, like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness meditation (technically a cognitive approach, and one that needs 10-20 minutes of sitting and if needed walking practice in order for it to generalize to everyday life situations), exercising, leaving the room (when angry), asserting oneself (particularly one's needs if one has a difficulty doing this, which can lead to resentment, anger, isolation, etc.), and being more socially involved with others.
Another overall excellent workbook that covers a myriad of emotions and cognitive ways at changing them is Thoughts and Feelings by McKay, Davis, and Fanning (two of whom are PhD psychologists).
For another great book more focused on the relaxation response (which will overlap at least a bit with the book just mentioned), check out The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook.
Does that seem like a lot of work? It really isn't. Even if you identify with a few schema and get the Young/Klosko book, that book and the other two aren't meant to be read cover to cover, and you can easily get by with reading half of each book at most to get the best parts that might be most applicable to your emotional needs.
Clinical/mental health counselor, MA, LPC here. This shit works.
I feel for you so much. My mom was never happy with anything I ever did, and still isn't. I had the same dilemma as you - good grades, good daughter, I didn't understand why I could never make her happy. I gave up trying to understand her a long time ago. What I did was minimize contact with her - I haven't spoken to her in months, although I do keep in touch regularly with my dad - he's the greatest.
Long-term goal - focus on going away for college, or getting the means to move out once you're 18. Get a job, find a roommate, get another job. You'll feel so much more empowered knowing you can take care of yourself. Dream about that moment, when you'll be free to do whatever you want, including not answering your parents' phone calls. And deciding to see them only once a month, instead of every week like they'd want to. (I'm just giving some examples here, but you'll be in total control of how often you guys interact.)
Short term - every time they try to put you down, you should reply by saying something you did good - I got an A in that class, or I did some other things. You should also remind them that you don't do drugs, never drank, never got pregnant. If they bring up examples of kids doing better than you (my mom had a neverending list!), you bring up other kids who are doing drugs, or went to jail, or don't get better grades than you. Remind them every day - their habit is hard to break, so you'll have to be very persistent and consistent.
I wonder if there's a counselor at your school. Talk to one of your teachers - there must be one you trust or like more than all the others. He/she can give you more information. I know that all colleges have free counseling for students, so worse case scenario, you'd have to wait a year to get into counseling. And the counseling in college is confidential, so your parents won't find out about it unless you tell them (or maybe if you're a danger to yourself, the college might have to notify them).
I found this book: [Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem] (http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1346530194&amp;sr=1-2&amp;keywords=bipolar+parent). Maybe you can find it in your local library - this way, your parents don't have to know about it. I found this book by going to Amazon, and searched for 'bipolar parent'. There are quite a few books there. Your public library must have at least one of them.
You've come along so far, please hang in there. It won't be easy, it will take years for you to repair the emotional damage that's been done to you by the two people that are supposed to love you unconditionally in this world, but the end result will be worth it. Please hang in there.
I have a great little workbook Surviving a Borderline Parent that I found on Amazon when I was looking at Understanding the Borderline Parent. That book was way too intense for where I'm at now, but the workbook is just about perfect. It walks through several areas discussing what many people experience growing up raised by a BPD parent, offering both explanation and suggested activities to explore your own experiences.
Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart"
> Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.
One of the many lessons from the book that stuck with me, yet there's an untold number more. Single-handedly kept me sane and taught me a lot about resiliency in general.
Crucial Conversations
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328
A Seat at the Table: IT Leadership in the Age of Agility
https://www.amazon.com/Seat-Table-Leadership-Age-Agility/dp/1942788118
Soft Skills
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1617292397
Trust
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/184046531X
Don't limit yourself to android developers, this is something all programmers have to face so there is advice from everywhere :)
/u/VasiliyZukanov recommended me John Sommez's "Soft Skills" book recently.
Chapter 3 "Learning how to Lean - How to teach you yourself" is very good on this topic
https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397
Honestly, its the interviewers job to figure out if you will be able to handle it. They have more information on the job than you do at this point (usually). Interviews dont have to be stressful. Just go into it and talk about what you know, what your experience is whether its theoretical or practical, and be personable. Highlight things in your past that show you genuinely enjoy learning and the field and you'll show that you're willing/able to close the gap in knowledge in a timely manner. If you don't get the job, no sweat. Keep learning, keep looking.
Don't go into interviews trying to convince anybody you're the best man for the job, go into them to have a conversation with the interviewers to determine if the job is a good fit for you.
I strongly recommend this book, even for non software developers.
It talks about how to approach interviews, how to decide is you want to work for yourself or for someone else, and a lot of other useful non technical skills that can boost confidence: https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397
If you know social skills are your problem area preventing you from getting a job, then why not work on them? Despite what you seem to think, social skills are not some innate ability, they're learned, just like any other skill.
Try putting yourself in more situations where you're forced to interact with people. Read some books on the subject. Find and join a ToastMasters group. If you need a job and at least some semi-relevant experience, try getting a low level help desk position.
I've read a lot of business books in the past year. These include:
7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Rich Dad Poor Dad
Think and Grow Rich
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Secrets of Closing the Sale
How to Master the Art of Selling
The E-Myth Revisited
The Compound Effect
The Slight Edge
The $100 Startup
The Toilet Paper Entrepreneur
I have 4HWW waiting to be read, in addition to about 15 other books that are sitting there, waiting to be read.
The $100 Startup is very inspiring, especially for people who have no chance at securing a "normal" job (I dropped out of college). The Toilet Paper Entrepreneur is also very informative. But out of this list, by far, my two favorite books are The Compound Effect and The Slight Edge. #1 going to The Slight Edge. Read this book. Maybe it won't apply to everyone as much as it did to me, but it totally changed my attitude towards life.
A book recommendation I would like to make for you is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
I asked myself so many existential questions until I bought this book. I have read it two or three times and listen to the audiobook almost every time I jump in my car. I highly recommend it. It has brought me a lot of peace and might do the same for you.
Any standard GP should be able to help her try a different anti-depressant. Her fatigue may be a sign of atypical depression which could help guide medication choice.
Some evidence-based non medication based interventions include that are easy to acccess:
Cognitive behavioural therapy
Meditation
Exercise
And remember, in a crisis call 0800 800 717 for 24/7 urgent mental health help.
Source: am a doctor.
Props to you for taking the leap and I wish you the best of luck.
I completely agree that motivation is overrated, but I have one minor nitpick. In my mind, discipline is almost synonymous with willpower. I know they have their differences, but there is significant overlap. Having discipline is still kind of a white-knuckled approach.
What I suggest is developing a routine. Routines are not subject to motivation and they result in a cumulative daily effect that adds up and compounds over time. In the words of W. H. Auden: "Routine in an intelligent man, is a sign of ambition."
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If you're interested in developing a routine, you have to consume information about strategies from the experts. Here are some of my favorite sources:
There are many others but these are some great places to start.
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Social accountability is also important as another user mentioned. I recommend telling friends about your site or doing a case study. There are also great tools like stickk that donate your money to a charity or cause you hate if you don't meet your goal.
>Thanks. Are you a guru?
You're welcome. Ask the easy questions, why don't you!! Haha!
As to the word guru, my first reaction to it is EEK, for two reasons. First, it's what all those gurus we put on pedestals have later been caught doing. Second, it's all the bad press that gurus in general have receieved in the North American press (Perhaps there are religious politics involved there). I am ignorant off how gurus are seen in other places.
In India, where the word comes from, gurus are at the top of the caste system, above Kings (Rajas) and princesses, above presidents, judges, doctors, lawyers, millionaire businessmen and women, and so on. They are an elite bunch who are difficult to approach. A poor person might spend ten years earning their way to the front of the line before they access the knowledge and wisdom of the teacher. Those with money can often jump the line, and do.
I am not at all that kind of guru.
The system of Kundalini into which I was introduced does not teach this particular method to the masses. It's a one-on-one way of teaching, so quantity is low. However, the techniques and skills involved give me the understanding to assist those with Kundalini questions at pretty much all levels. I am not formally trained in other systems, though, (Maybe one day), so I cannot give exact advice with respect to something like Kundalini Yoga, as I don't know their repertoire of Kriyas. I would be able to suggest things like, "ask your Kundalini Yoga teacher this question", or "How about trying this idea, this technique, this adjustment to the Kriya". They have a system that works, works well, and for the most part is one of the more "peaceful" ways of entering into a Kundalini path. It's something you might consider. Hint hint.
For what it's worth, my own teacher's teacher was a Sikh in India, and the www.3HO.org system emerged from a teacher in the Sikh community, Yogi Bhajan Singh.
My teacher thus explained to me how he did not quite fit the definition of the word guru. He certainly was not at the top of the caste system of North America!! Yet once in a while, he'd playfully refer to himself as my guru, usually with a big mischivous smirk on his face, and usually some aspect of teaching was involved. He IS a teacher of some cool spiritual techniques, sure. He spent three years going from guru to guru in India before the Rock-and-Rollers got there. He had money, so he jumped the line. Being half Native, he did not feel the necessity, (once back home), to observe the meatless tradition of India, which exists for reasons other than just morals. Surprise, surprise.
In the Kundalini Yoga system, you will see obvious advancement, and two years of active work will yield amazing results, with many years of integrating and evolving still part of the package afterwards.
/ramble
So, no I'm not really a guru. I am just a qualified teacher of an oral tradition Kundalini path. If you stick me up on a pedestal, I'll drag you up there with me then knock you off. When you land, (The higher the pedestal you make, the harder you fall), I'll have my feet firmly on the ground waiting for you at the bottom. Smiles. Maybe I'll record it to post on YT for everyone's amusement. /jkg.
Did you know your question might be such a juicy one when you asked it? Answered well enough?
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>I have been doing meditation on and off for the last 2.5 years and did 1 year everyday before that. The reason for my on and off meditation is my addiction to pornography. I know that when kundalini and porn meets, it's a disaster. I can't sleep on nights when I have watched porn because the energy has been going down to my root chakra.
This speaks of you having good self-knowledge and self-observation skills. Yes, reading this you might go, "Well it's SO OBVIOUS to me". Accepted, yet not everyone will make those connections. Having that self-knowledge equips you with the ability to make choices and try new things.
Have you read /u/JCashish's post on a_tantric_perspective_on_the_use_of_sexual_energy?
You could also try his advanced method. Hint hint.
As soon as you get that horniness twinge... make the time to do the exercise. THEN you use the energy far more constructively.
Have you started developing any understanding about your addiction to porn and what drives it, and what consequences follow? Do you recogise any positives other than the pleasure of orgasm? Asking and working on these ideas could free up your addiction. Porn would then be an aware choice, not a compulsion, as you would also have new choices, new things to do with the energy.
It's a conversation we can have here if you wish.
>I usually do mindful meditation where I try to stay mindful of anything like my breath, sounds etc.
Very good. Have you also done anything which helps you become aware of inner energy flows. Yoga. Taichi. Qi Gong... and often medittaion, etc? In order to have a peaceful Kundalini awakening, one must become able to sense these flows too, and not just observe the reactions of flows such as not being able to sleep after porn. One must be able to notice and then intentionally release tensions, obstructions or reguide the energy, at times.
For this, any of the concentration meditation paths are very useful. Concentration and mindfulness. One for observing, one for focus.
>I like to exercise, run, listen to chanting/Sufi songs.
Super. Any links that you might share? I've not heard many Sufi songs.
>I try to stay active because it feels easier when I am exercising, taking showers twice a day etc.
Perfect! You are adapting and listening to your own needs. This is what Socrates (In Dan Millman's book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior ) refered to as body wisdom. Respecting your temple is a basic place to start.
>I have been to one of the Shaktipat program about 2 years back but it was without a teacher.
I don't understand how you can have a shaktipat program without a teacher, as shaktipat involves the sharing of grace BY a teacher. No teavher, no shaktipat. Was it more like a preparatory course, as in preparing for future shaktipat? If it was the latter, an in-person teacher might also adapt each person's execises to their own specific needs. Humans aren't made with cookie cutters. We all have our differences and obstacles to transform into challenges and sources of learning.
> It was more like an intensive meditation/chanting for a day.
That makes sense. Why the word Shaaaktipat then? Any ideas
>Right now, I don't have a physical teacher but I do listen to Osho whom I consider as my guru. His lectures have helped me tremendously.
I like Osho and much of what he said and wrote, but I'm not too familiar with what he said and wrote about Kundalini. As a guru he made monstrously big mistakes, ones especially deaing with the failure to extend morals to his followers. One could philosophically back up and say he played a role in healing a sexually-repressed and a religiously-repressed society. For sure.
What I see as his big failure, though, has a direct relation to Kundalini which does demand the most respect and the utmost respect of morals, so in a sense, you can use Osho's ideas to get past your own indoctrination, but must not adopt his rebelliousness, as this would, not might, would lead to disaster where Kundalini is concerned for your future. Do you get what I'm trying to share here?
In a very real sense, calling Osho your guru places a significant obstacle to your advancing in Kundalini. So, that becomes a choice for you, and only one you can make for yourself. Go ahead and use his ideas to free yoursef up from the ideas you swallowed up as true in your past. That's a terrific way to honour what he taught. Exercise respectful caution where energy work is concerned. So many women, and a few men, have spoken to me about inappropriate behaviours from Osho followers that I must respect their voices.
The other choice is to enjoy what Osho offered WHILE developing your own deep understanding of the Yamas and Niyamas, and applying them as you can to the best of your abilities. There's nothing wrong with reading a line from a guru or master teacher and coming to a sentence and concuding he/she messed up here. Yes, you are evaluating the quality of the teachings. You're always expected to do this, else you are a blind follower. Kundalini does not tolerate such blindness, so make an effort to find tha hazardous vaguenesses and moments of poor thinking as you read Osho's or anyone's writings... and of course, mine included.
>I used to read books on meditation/kundalini.
That doesn't narrow it down much. On Kundalini, due to the vast ignorance on the topic, some writers took creative liberties at producing much pleasant smelling BS, IMNSHO. Rarely, that BS was dangerous. More often it was merely clutter and confusion which would impair anyone's progress. Totally impair. Again... explore what you've read and accepted as true. Test it in daily life. Throw out the crap - keep what works while continuing to test it.
Re your use of the word peaceful... the further you wish to develop your Kundalini, or that Kundalini draws you forward too, based on your choices and actions, the more intense some of it may be. Intense. If you stand well-grounded and not fight with it, it remains intense. If you resist the learninga nd unlearning process, it won't at all be peaceful. The suggestion here is to really get good at non-attachment. There are some HUGELY important subtleties involved with the concepts or equanimity, non-attachment, "letting go". Go discover these, and peacefulness will be enhanced.
Good peaceful journey, with a few wonderfully exciting bits!!
EDIT: Typos as usual. I'll master typing NEXT lifetime. Edit 2:A few more missing letters found.
They aren't really uechi-ryu books, but here is a list of my favorite martial arts books:
[Karate-do My Way of Life] (http://www.amazon.com/Karate-Do-Way-Life-Gichin-Funakoshi/dp/1568364989/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1368043735&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=Karate-do+my+way+of+life) by Gichin Funakoshi - definitely my favorite martial arts book. This is the autobiography of Gichin Funakoshi. He talks alot about the history and culture of Okinawa and karate in general. His life is clearly a prime example of the spirit of karate-do.
[Twenty Guiding Principles of Karate] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Twenty-Guiding-Principles-Karate/dp/4770027966/ref=pd_sim_b_2) by Gichin Funakoshi.
Basically anything by Gichin Funakoshi
[Beyond The Known] (http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Known-Ultimate-Martial-Classics/dp/0804834652) - More abstract. Presents some wonderful philosophical ideas about the unity of martial arts, the unity of spirit, and the higher purpose of the martial arts. Perhaps a better read for later in your training.
[Zen in the Martial Arts] (http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Martial-Arts-Joe-Hyams/dp/0553275593/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1368043973&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=zen+in+the+martial+arts) - Everyone should read this once. It presents basic, but very important spiritual ideas relevant to the martial arts.
[Way of The Peaceful Warrior] (http://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1368044020&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=Way+of+the+peaceful+warrior) - Absolutely fantastic (and entertaining) spiritual, development novel about a college age student seeking a higher meaning in life. Not exactly about martial arts, but the mindset and spiritual lessons are the same. I highly recommend this book.
[The Weaponless Warriors] (http://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1368044020&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=Way+of+the+peaceful+warrior) - More of the mythical/legend type stories about many of the famous okinawan karate practitioners. None-the-less an exciting and entertaining read about the many legends of karate.
My top recommendations is "karate-do my way of life" by Gichin Funakoshi. My second recommendation would be "way of the peaceful warrior". Most of the books I recommended are not technique books. Honestly, I don't find technique books very useful. They have their places, but I think the spiritual lessons are better learned from books, and the motivation that can be derived is beneficial as well.
The Psychedelic Experience by Timothy Leary and Ram Dass
http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/Timothy-Leary-The-Psychedelic-Experience-The-Tibetan-Book-Of-The-Dead.pdf
About Consciousness:
I AM THAT by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
https://www.amazon.com/I-Am-That-Nisargadatta-Maharaj/dp/0893860468
Be as You Are By Ramana Maharshi
https://www.amazon.com/Be-As-You-Are-Teachings/dp/0140190627/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1526748482&sr=1-1&keywords=be+as+you+are
The Way of The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1526748504&sr=1-4&keywords=the+way+of+the+peaceful+warrior
Oh sure. Accepting the present moment and being happy with it is probably the hardest thing to consistently do in the world. I usually suck at it. I just know that's the best way to be happy with life.
I don't like to push things on people, but The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle is the best ideology-neutral guide on living in the present moment I've encountered. I'd give it a look if you haven't read it.
TM practitioner here. I won't go on about finding a way to do it. I just wanted to caution you not to believe you can get something off the internet that will be almost as good. Someday you may have the opportunity. Don't spoil it by dabbling and corrupting your experience. This is a good book on mindfulness (Vipaissana meditation) if you want to go there in the meantime:
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B003XF1LKW/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
If you want a simple guide: Mindfulness in Plain English
If you are interested in an in-depth guide and more oriented towards a step-by-step process: The Mind Illuminated
Now this is the most important point I want to get across. Books will only superficially help you understand with what the mind is. The only way to understand the mind is by investigating it yourself, and the only way to do that is the actual practice of meditation.
Mindfulness meditation. Read Mindfulness in Plain English as it's an awesome primer. It's especially good in situations like this where you are still attached to something that really never was permanent in the first place.
Get the Headspace App and start with that. Also, read Mindfulness In Plain English.
Good post. I personally don't like Gladwell, in my opinion he's just one very typical self-help author with no practical advice. The 10k "rule" is so trivial, that's almost annoying how willingly the media picks it up. Ericsson mostly published quite expensive research based books, but recently a commercial summary of his findings or theories was published. I think it's one of those 5-page-blown-up-to-250-books so I would recommend listen to podcast interviews he was attending to promote the book instead.
I wrote a pair of blog posts addressing a post like this one not too long ago. I'm copying and pasting them here.
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PART ONE: WRITING IS AN ART
A few days ago, I read this thread on /r/selfpublish about how the stigma against self-publishers sucks. Members of the subreddit chimed in with their experiences: how booksellers refused to carry a few books on the sole basis that they were self-published, how other writers rebuffed them, and how a reader accused a member at a book fair of being self-published. How is self-publishing a crime?
Reading this thread, reading a book called, Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Robert Poole and Anders Ericsson, my experience submitting to literary magazines and contests, reading about other people’s experiences submitting, and finally, watching the movie Ratatouille has moved me to piece together this two-part article about writing and publishing.
One of these things is not like the other. What does Ratatouille have to do with writing?
If you are unfamiliar with Ratatouille, the story is about a rat, Remy, who has a talented nose and refined palate. Remy ventures into kitchens full of poison, mouse traps, and other dangers for the sake of good food, and he becomes inspired to cook by the famous chef, Auguste Gusteau, whose motto spurs him on: “Anyone can cook!” After coincidences land him in Paris under the toque of an aspiring chef, Linguini, together they cook their way to stardom. But standing in their way is Anton Ego, a food critic whose sharp tongue cut away one of Auguste Gusteau’s five stars.
The first words Ego speaks will contain a familiar sentiment from writers of a certain attitude: “Amusing title, “Anyone Can Cook!”. What’s even more amusing is that Gusteau actually seems to believe it. I, on the other hand, take cooking seriously. And, no, I don’t think anyone can do it.”
This is my fight against the Egos of writing.
I have two lines of thinking to spool out here. The first concerns great writing, what it is, how to make it, and how to become a great writer, and the second concerns what publishing, both self and traditional, has to do with it.
Long story short, writing is an art, but publishing is a business.
Deliberate Practice and Feedback
My goal first and foremost is to become a great writer. So, I practice. I read constantly and interrogate myself on what I liked about what I read, what I hated, and what did the author do specifically to be so effective. Then, I write down my analysis and publish it on my blog. One blog post centered on Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise. Peak asks the question, “Why are some people so amazingly good at what they do?” To answer, the book’s authors spent thirty years studying experts and novices across fields and concluded that experts deliberately practiced and received expert feedback and direction. For now, let’s focus on the deliberate practice and the expert feedback part as it relates to becoming a great writer.
Deliberate practice is focused, informed effort to push past personal boundaries and develop relevant skills. The authors said, “Learning to engage [in purposeful practice]— consciously developing and refining your skills— is one of the most powerful ways to improve the effectiveness of your practice.” Peak’s authors note that when you practice by yourself, you have to be able to identify when you are doing something wrong and correct it.
“This is not impossible, but it is much more difficult and less efficient than having an experienced teacher watching you and providing feedback. [sic] Even the most motivated and intelligent student will advance more quickly under the tutelage of someone who knows the best order in which to learn things, who understands and can demonstrate the proper way to learn various skills, who can provide useful feedback, and who can devise practice activities designed to overcome particular weaknesses. Thus, one of the most important things you can do for your success is to find a good teacher and work with him or her.”
Sounds simple: deliberate practice plus feedback equals improvement. However, there’s more to improvement than that. Peak acknowledges that this advice depends on the field of expertise. Fields like sports, chess, ballet, and classical music have rich history of teaching methods, institutional support, objective standards for quality performance, and a clear hierarchy of quality (for example, the best golfer wins the most tournaments). Fields like creative writing don’t. Writers generally have an idea of great writing. Great writing involves an alchemical formula: language, clarity, characters, ideas, structure, and plot that hang together to become an engaging story that’s more than the sum of its words. At least, that’s my definition. Other people’s definitions have conjured writing courses, university programs, magazines, coaches, and other professional services that proclaim that they know what great writing is and they can help you become a great writer too.
But how do we know what’s great writing? For that matter, what does it mean to be great? How does great differ from being bad or good?
Have you heard of deliberate practice? I'm terrible at explaining things, but luckily other people have made much better guides on deliberate practice, explaining it and teaching you how to apply it to anything. I highly suggest reading peak. Its a fantastic book that seriously helped me with learning any skill.
There is a great reddit post explaining deliberate practice, and showing how to apply it in starcraft 2. There is also an awesome video Artosis made that helps a lot. Its about SC remastered, but you can easily apply it in SC2
If you are serious about getting better at Starcraft I highly recommend learning about deliberate practice!
for learning/cognitive related i recommend checking out:
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman,
Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Anders Ericsson
and the various Cal Newport books (he also has a blog),
Thomas Frank from College Info Geek is also cool.
i personally prefer actionable coaching over talk therapy as it helps me get shit done rather than sit around and introspect which i already do enough of.
there is a /r/Stoicism
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo, check it out
Brene Brown for self compassion, talks on Youtube, you could check out.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson is another good one.
Lol I too I retreat back to drawing my cute girls after I'm done with the lessons for the day.
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Fun is good and it's okay but I do think if you practice only when you're having fun you wont get very far. Some days you just don't feel like doing it and if you listen to yourself on those days, you wont progress on that particular day. And that's fine if you're okay with that of course. But if your goal is to progress every day, you do it regardless of how you feel about it.
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Actually, the feeling of difficulty and struggle is a good indicator that you are out of your comfort zone, and you are doing something right. If it's always easy and fun you are simply not progressing very fast.
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This book talks about it fair bit. Practice isn't supposed to be fun, if your goal is to progress.
https://www.amazon.com/Peak-Secrets-New-Science-Expertise-ebook/dp/B011H56MKS
There's a lot of research available in regards to the kinds of accusations you present at the start; online sociology and psychology has a field day with any behavioral patterns online.
This issue of being put into a group is largely due to an aspect of what's called the 'Online Disinhibition Effect', where interaction through the medium of the net makes people less inhibited against certain behaviours, in 'benign' or 'toxic' ways. The relevant aspect to this subject is what J. Suler calls 'Solipsistic Introjection' (bear with me on these long-ass words). In short, Solipsistic Introjection is the phenomenon of how what people read online is processed into a kind of narrative. What they read or even hear is ascribed a kind of voice from their mind, and that voice is simplified into a role they see what they read or hear filling. This person is the 'feminist', this one the 'SJW'. This one the 'hipster'. And those roles are framed in a narrative that the person likes to facilitate online; they like to see the 'SJW' get criticized by the 'anti-SJW' in a good guy/bad guy dynamic. They love seeing the 'postmodernist' get argue against by what they think of as the 'rational human being'. And so on.
This ties into how Daniel Kahneman's Nobel Prize-winning recent work on how our brains make decisions. He argues there are two 'systems' of thought; that the first is 'fast' and runs on instinct, while the second is slow and skeptical. The fact we have so many people who will rush to rally under one side of a mental narrative of 'the people vs the Digibro' is likely due to a lot of thee people running on the instinctive 'system 1' of their brain. Those who operate on the slower 'system 2' have no part in Suler's 'Solipsistic Introjection', and are actually trying to listen to what you have to say.
I think the latter group are your viewerbase, and the former can be ignored for how they will regularly, inevitably come into error because they replace the complex question of 'does Digibro have a point' with 'do I like what he's saying' or 'do I like how he sounds'.
Just some scholarly stuff to put in the background of this issue.
The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt
The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris
Mindfulness by Mark Williams
The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters
The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
Waking Up by Sam Harris
I think the main PF ones will be recommended well, and lots of the same approaches apply on both sides. Tax treatment is probably the key difference, which might not be best learned through a book.
So aside I'm going to recommend one book I adore that I think is hugely applicable through life (has probably changed my view upon the world more than almost anything else) and one that I've just started but is so far fascinating.
Thinking, fast and slow: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0141033576
Nobel prize winner, talking about how humans think weirdly. I challenge anyone to read this and not find something they think is applicable to their own life or how they view the world.
How to Be Miserable: 40 Strategies You Already Use: https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Miserable-Strategies-Already/dp/B01HH0BC70
A guide to being miserable. A self help book effectively written from the other side. I detest saccharine self help things, this is captivating and I think a great way of viewing problems.
Not as relevant, but The Evolution of Cooperation: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Evolution-Co-Operation-Penguin-Press-Science/dp/0140124950
A simple and perhaps laboured point but something that has stuck with me over the past 10 years.
Two of these, the first and last, are ones I've finished and lent out to others as much as I can possibly do so. I expect that how to be miserable will fall under these ranks but I've not finished it yet.
You'll find out for yourself. Some guides:
An incisive series by Ajahn Jayasaro, a Buddhist Monk in the Thai Forest Tradition.
If you are interested in Zen meditation, check out Phillip Kapleau Roshi's Three Pillars of Zen. As a Westerner, it's a very accessible read that will give you everything that you need to know to start a solid meditation practice.
Elaine Pagels is a great contemporary scholar of Christian religion, and particularly textual and historical explication. Her The Origin of Satan is fascinating, and The Gnostic Gospels is a solid survey of some of the lost branches of early Christian tradition.
Gershom Scholem is one of the last century's great explicators of Judaism and mysticism, particularly the Kabbalah. I doubt there's a book he's written that isn't worth reading, but the best place to start may be his book On the Kabbalah and Its Symbolism, particularly the chapter on the relation of mystical experience to community norms.
Speaking of Kabbalah, it's recent popularity speaks poorly of what is an otherwise venerable and serious tradition of symbolism and ethical concern. If you're interested in spiritual literature, it's probably not a bad idea to take a stab at the Zohar. There's an abridged translation by Scholem out in paperback, but you're probably better off with this edition.
That comes, incidentally, from a series of books issued by a Catholic publisher, Paulist Press, under the name Classics of Western Spirituality, which is generally excellent. So far as I know, it's the only press currently printing some truly classic historical texts, so their catalog is worth browsing. They're particularly good, as you might suspect, on early Christian texts -- I don't know where else you'd go for something like Carthusian Spirituality -- but they also have Sufist, Judaic and non-mainline texts. In particular, I'd say pick up the Pseudo Dionysus.
While we're on the subject of early Christian writers, there's The Desert Fathers, The Cloud of Unknowing, Revelations of Divine Love -- the last of which is a notable early example of feminine Christian spirituality.
On the more modern end, there's Simone Weil, the tragic Marxist-cum-Catholic. I'd recommend either Waiting for God or Letters to a Priest]. While we're talking about modern Christian theology, we should note three of the most important names of the 20th century: Paul Tillich, Rudolf Otto, and Tielhard de Chardin. The books to start with, respectively, are Dynamics of Faith, The Idea of the Holy, and The Divine Milieu.
Shifting away from Christianity, another major name in 20th century theology is Martin Buber, the Jewish German mystic. His I and Thou is the most generally applicable and was widely influential in existential circles, but he also wrote widely on issues of Jewish identity.
More in the mainstream of Jewish tradition, there's the Talmud, although the sheer size of the writings that full under that name are the sort of thing that scholars give their lives over to. For our purposes, something like Abraham Cohen's Everyman's Talmud will generally suffice.
And finally, I just recently bought The Three Pillars of Zen, which is widely held to be the best practical introduction to the topic available in English. There are a bewildering amount of books on the subject, but without some sort of framework for understanding their relation to the historical traditions, it can be nearly impossible to sort out which are worth while.
EDIT: Forgot linking by reference isn't working; fixed with inline links.
Two books profoundly helped me develop good posture:
3 Pillars of Zen
[Zen Training] (https://www.amazon.ca/Zen-Training-Philosophy-Shambhala-Classics-ebook/dp/B007WVNUUW/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1523978417&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=zen+training&amp;dpID=411-sI-PVQL&amp;preST=_SY445_QL70_&amp;dpSrc=srch)
I am posting them only for the pictures and explanation of posture, not the other content. Although it does stand on it's own, if you use TMI as a filter.
One of the most important things is to sit a little bit forward on the cushion and make sure your spine has it's natural curvature. You can achieve that by slightly pushing out the belly button so your back naturally curves and the weight settles nicely.
Where you actually sit on the cushion is key...
I'm sure others might know better books than the ones I posted...
You can go to a buddhist community that has meditation as a practice and learn there. Also, there are a bunch of books that teach different kinds of meditations, and some of them go into detail on how to meditate. For instance, these ones:
[zen training] (https://www.amazon.com/Zen-Training-Philosophy-Shambhala-Classics/dp/1590302834/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1535777895&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=zen+training) , [the path to bodhidharma] (https://www.amazon.com/Path-Bodhidharma-Teachings-Library-Enlightenment/dp/0804832161/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1535777933&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+path+to+bodhidharma) , [everyday zen] (https://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Zen-Love-Work-Plus/dp/0061285897/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1535828798&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=everyday+zen) , [nothing special] (https://www.amazon.com/Nothing-Special-Charlotte-J-Beck/dp/0062511173/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1535778035&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=nothing+special) , [the three pillars of zen] (https://www.amazon.com/Three-Pillars-Zen-Teaching-Enlightenment/dp/0385260938/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1536631531&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+three+pillars+of+zen) and these ones which are free : [the 7th world of chan buddhism] (http://zbohy.zatma.org/common/downloads/SeventhWorldOfChanBuddhism.pdf) and [Mindfulness in Plain English] (http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/mindfulness_in_plain_english.php) all have instructions on how to do one or more types of meditations.
You can also find information on the web, like here: https://zmm.org/teachings-and-training/meditation-instructions/ and http://antaiji.org/archives/eng/okumura-zazen.shtml
Or on youtube, like here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLwVt6Wlqeg , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bk7JRHNX19A , and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGzE6BQb1xY .
There's also the topics of recommended links and books of this subreddit:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/2ixjf6/meddits_online_recommendations/ ; https://www.reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/2ixjq7/meddits_book_recommendations/
I really liked The Three Pillars of Zen by Philip Kapleau. It was my first introduction to Zen, and remains my go-to book on all things Zen.
I also really like Sit Down and Shut Up: Punk Rock Commentaries on Buddha, God, Truth, Sex, Death, and Dogen's Treasury of the Right Dharma Eye by Brad Warner
Hey, I'm the author :)
I really appreciate your comment, it's both insightful and charitable. But, I will only admit to half the accusation. Everything I write about dating is 100% true as far as I can see it, but it's not 100% of the truth.
For example, I don't talk a lot about demonstrating high status to women even though it's a critical part of relationship success and somewhat unfashionable to talk about openly. When I express skepticism about things like pick-up and "game" I'm not lying, I actually think that while those approaches work on some women and for some form of relationships, they're counterproductive for people like me.
On the other hand, I did stand up for a while and performed at comedy festivals. And I always brought women I was dating to those, because making a room full of people laugh is a powerful demonstration of my intellect and status.
The reason I don't write about it isn't that I'm afraid of "mass society" so much as that those subjects are actually much harder to write about, and I'm less confident in what I think I've figured out about them. I think that the simpler advice that I'm giving is more immediately useful to a lot of people, even if it's incomplete.
One day I'll read The Mating Mind and write the post you're looking for :)
This article has a sources listed at the bottom, a great read:
http://www.lucidpages.com/intel.html
This would be a great book to check out:
http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Her-Own-Evolutionary-Psychology/dp/0198504985
This one is off-topic a little, but also a great read if you're into it:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mating-Mind-Sexual-Evolution/dp/038549517X/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1
Edit: I will admit that there are chicks that I am not attracted to that do not exhibit these behaviors that I know of. I am of the understanding that they did not develop certain traits and selectiveness due to their own low-value in the sexual market (i.e. not attractive to most guys). But this isn't a subreddit about mens/womens rights, this is a subreddit about attracting members of the opposite sex that you're attracted to.
When you read these generalizations assume the tag (in the context of mating) is next to each statement. This goes without saying on every article posted here, especially the ones in the side-bar. I'm not going to argue with you about feminism here, only that I'm good at getting girls to sleep with me, and here's how I do it.
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Mind-Sexual-Choice-Evolution/dp/038549517X
The recommendations from other Red Pillers are pretty good so far, let me add some things that are a little bit different.
Sperm Wars
The Mating Mind
Dangerous Passion or just about anything from David M. Buss.
>getting people to change their daily routine or break the habit of emails is where it gets tricky.
Switch by Dan & Chip Heath. Great book about enacting change in yourself and others.
Switch
And also similar, but more broad in terms of ideas (by the same author):
Made to Stick
Me too and good luck to you all! Already grumpy lol. Anyway, for anybody reading this there's a book called Switch that might be relevant and helpful. It was assigned for one of my classes this semester so essentially I've only skimmed the first chapter and that's it, but essentially a big take away I got from that is that all day we use our willpower to stop us from doing things we want but know we shouldn't. Your willpower is a finite resource that if you deplete too far, won't work anymore.
So remember, all this talk of sobriety is good, but too much change can overwhelm your system far more than it can handle and may cause you to relapse back to old habits. Quitting every vice you have cold turkey is probably just not going to work even if you did come up with a bunch of healthy habits to replace them with. So remember not to be too hard on yourselves, we're all only human after all. And again, good luck everybody!
This is a great opportunity for birthday gifts as part of a theme.
You get a bunch of boxes that are the size of a Nintendo Switch box, and then you place the following items inside (one each per box) and wrap:
Slight aside. I've just read a book that I think it'd be worth you reading, whilst you're still in the design phase, as it's all about how to encourage change. I also found it quite accessible. http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752
And done!!!
You're welcome. I posted it up in response to someone's question on how to go from being an amateur to a professional writer. If you want to be a professional, the first step is to approach it like a job and not just a hobby.
I also recommend the book Mastery by George Leonard. It helped me a lot. It's not specifically about writing, but more about how to go on the path to mastery of a subject. Here's the link on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0452267560
Don't be so hard on yourself! You deserve kindness, especially from yourself :).
As for fashion, that's a mother fucker for tons of people myself included sometimes. Luckily for people like us, there are those out there with a huge passion for fashion. /r/malefashionadvice can be pretty good, but don't let them break your bank because hobbyists tend to not look at price tags as often as people not into it. There's tons of people on there that really do love helping people find things that work for them, not just what's popular or what they like.
Working out is a bitch, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I've taught martial arts for years, and when you fall in a lull of practicing its hard to get back into it because a broken routine is tough to rebuild. Now if you've never done any kind of routine, it's challenging but you're more blank canvas. It's habit building so you'll have missteps but as long as you forgive yourself for messing up and keep going eventually you'll come out the other side pretty strong. Just remeber you're also breaking the habit of not working out for years and years, so naturally you'll have inner resistance against this one, it's like quitting smoking. It's persistence that'll help you through it.
Hobbies and interests, there's tons of shit to do there and there really isn't a wrong choice. I would say though, don't choose something that has limited demographics, you want something with wider appeal that both sexes do. If you want to combine working out with a hobby you can always try things like rock climbing, biking, hiking, rowing, etc and join clubs for them so you'll meet people who are in them and can help you. Don't worry about being bad or physically underwhelming, you'll get better in time :).
Most of all, you have to want to make these changes. You have to recognize that you'll slip up here and there and forgive yourself for it while also staying determined to continue. You'll have excuses for why you can't do things but you have to be able to fight against yourself, as you're your biggest opponent. I mean I deal a lot with extreme depression and procrastination myself, so I'm far from being the perfect model in doing everything right, but I refuse to allow myself to quit.
A good book that will help you, if you're generally interested in working hard on yourself, is Mastery by George Leonard. It's main focus is fighter pilots and martial arts (as he taught both) but it really is about self development, the pitfalls and successes, and how these things can lead to fulfillment.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0452267560/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1510882339&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp;keywords=mastery+george+leonard&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51fl2RxTBjL&amp;ref=plSrch
There's also a good CGPgrey video on being miserable, habits to avoid. It's a quick watch and a good start on things to analyze in life.
https://youtu.be/LO1mTELoj6o
Truth is there isn't a 1 size fits all answer, it'll be a combination of many things, but you can do it. You weren't made lesser than others, you just have to want it, and if you don't fake it until the lie becomes reality. You can do it if you force yourself to, and I believe in you :)
I have been on reddit for over 2 years and this is the best post i have seen. I to have gone through a very tough childhood. I grew up alone with a mentally unstable mother whom deeply neglected me. (My mom does not have any close friends and a bad connection to her relatives) Thankfully i found videogames and they helped me get through.
I found therapy and a wonderful therapist that help me work through my childhood. It took serious effort > 1 year and alot of tears and anger. I still sometimes get large downs and fall back in to old behavior but I am much better now. I have a posetiv outlook on the future and live a fullfilling life.
To anyone who feels that hen does not live a fullfilling life or have a hard time envisioning a good future then i strongly recommend therapy. This is a good book to start with. http://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
This is some of the best advice. I know you miss your wife, but for her to up and leave, she is truly gone. Don't beg, plead, or otherwise try to win her back at this point. I would try to talk with her about her intentions moving forward with regards to the marrige.
Take this as a learning experience (although a tough one) and use it moving forward. I would not focus so much on sex but more on how to build a good relationship. Learn about how women think and speak, it is not the same as men. I found the book "The Female Brain" an excellent read to get you started. Once you kind of understand what drives the thinking, read more on relationships on how you can contribute to a healthy one. This will help you moving forward.
Realistically, you first need to focus on the future of you and your kids right now. Your marriage is most likely over and you need to prepare yourself. It is a big deal and you need to be ready emotionally as well as physically. You kids will have a tough time as well as you. Get them counseling to help them through, as well as your self. Try to eat right, get some exercise, and try to keep everything together. You can get through this, but it will take time. Heal from this relationship, learn about your contribution to the ending of your marriage, and fix those items you can to potentially have a better relationship down the road.
You also need to prepare for a divorce. Use the internet and learn your state statutes. Develop a plan for custody and division of assets. Speak to a couple attorneys (most have a free or low cost consulation) and get an idea of what you can expect. Then execute your plan. Also use the r/divorce subreddit for some advice.
This is a process, be prepared for the long haul. As they say, time will heal all wounds. It will get betetr.
Buckland's book is huge and essentially reads like an encyclopedia. You might not subscribe to a subset of the material, but it's great to get ideas.
I can attest that Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham is a good read. That might have been the one you read. Also, Wicca for Beginners is pretty good if you're still looking for intro material.
I've also found Full Contact Magick to be useful, though there isn't really anything about altars in there.
Cunningham's Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner, Janet and Steward Farrah's A Witches Bible Compleat, Marian Green's A Witch Alone, Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft are all decent intro books IMO.
You can also find a "buttoad of Wiccan/Pagan/Magic E-books" in this thread
My advice is to read everything you can about it. Some books are better than others, some authors know what they're talking about whereas others are full of it, but not everyone agrees on who's "right." So, just read them all and realize that some may be great sources whereas some books ought to be taken with a grain of salt. Make on your own decisions on what is or isn't correct.
Bucklands Complete Book of Witchcraft
can answer some of your questions! I found it easy to read and it answered a lot of the questions I had about the Craft.
I recently fell into the Occult world as well. A was given a deck of tarot cards. It was the Rider-Waite deck. I started reading about it and a spark lit. Now I am consuming everything I can get my hands on.
I like MindandMagick as well. Also, I found this video on the Hermetic Principles very helpful and well explained.
As for reading, I have started reading the Liber Null by Peter Carroll and Condensed Chaos by Phil Hine. Recommend both if you're interested in Chaos Magick.
Some of the seminal works on Wicca are Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. by Scott Cunningham and Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft by Raymond Buckland.
Good luck on your journey. Personally, I am starting small by working on my meditation, mindfulness and single-pointed thought. Also, studying the tarot a few cards at a time.
Is this depression or a self-esteem issue? There are treatments for both, and I hope you look into them.
Some books that helped me with a very low self-esteem/self-worth are:
Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, PH.D., and Patrick Fanning
Your Own Worst Enemy by Kenneth W. Christian, Ph.D.
Your parents have probably faced adversity in life, too. If you're not on bad terms with them (ie if they're not abusive), I'm always a fan of talking with ones parents about their problems. They may surprise you by how receptive they can be. Remember that they've known you for all your life and had a whole life before you even existed.
In the meantime you can always practice mindfulness/meditation, that might help you with that. I'd also recommend doing some reading into cognitive distortions, which are ways of thinking that cause anxiety, and learn to recognize and address them. I'm also a fan of the book called "Self Esteem" (and more words) by McKay and Fanning. You may be able to borrow it at the library, though it's often checked out here in Nova Scotia. This is the book I used to work with my therapist through my own anxiety. Having a therapist will help give you a different perspective on situations and also keep you on track/monitor your progress, but these are things you can work out on your own.
Anyway hope you have a good end to your school year! Take care to actively acknowledge and appreciate the positives in life.
Putting yourself out there is probably the hardest part of all of this, and I think it's the most effective. Good work on that. Keep working at it. The extreme emotions will eventually calm down as you learn more about yourself and others.
That infatuation doesn't sound too healthy. Another SA trigger is a fear of rejection. This can lead to some of those extreme emotions when actual rejection does occur. I know dating is really personal, but try not to take it too personally, if that makes any sense. She wasn't into you. You were into her, and it would have been nice if that had worked out, but it didn't. It doesn't really make much sense to keep carrying those negative emotions around, right? What good are they doing you?
Now you're free to keep working on your SA. If you had shacked up with her, maybe you'd be resting on your laurels at a time where it'd be better for you to keep pushing yourself to grow.
Don't feel bad about getting compliments, dude! If they're complimenting you, they mean it sincerely. What were they saying about you? Saying you're handsome? Funny? Well-dressed? Charming? Whatever they were saying about you, it's true! Accept it! It sounds like you have some real strengths. Own them! It can make you feel so good!
Going by the concert thing, it sounds like you've made some progress recently. That's really great. Keep working hard.
This book has a great self-esteem building exercise that I think would benefit you. Basically you take the different aspects of your life (your physical appearance, your job, your interpersonal skills, etc.) and assess your strengths and weaknesses in those areas. It will give you an honest evaluation of what kind of person you actually are. What you're good at, what you need to work on, etc. I think this could help with the compliment thing most of all.
This book made so much sense to me! Really helped me set healthy boundaries and not have such an emotional response to the constant guilt tripping. The other books in my collection:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=nodl_
https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=nodl_
I frequently revisit these books when I’m struggling with things. Hang in there!
Thank you for sharing your story, you never know it may help someone else get out of a similarly terrible situation a little earlier. My mom is also BPD and very religious, I cut all contact with her when I was 26, and I have considered myself an atheist for many years since getting away from her toxic influence. It will take time to rediscover yourself, there’s a lot of damage to sort through. A couple things that helped me, were the out of the fog forum ( https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php )specifically the forum for children of parents with personality disorders. Also, the book surviving the borderline parent. (https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=nodl_ ). Lastly, the support and validation I received at the forum and from my sister saved my sanity. I’m sure you’ve suffered a lot of gaslighting, and that, and least for me has done some of the most lasting damage, not trusting myself or my own thoughts/memories. I’m thinking of you and hope that you can have a life that is yours now, and not controlled by your mother’s mental illness. You know yourself better than she does. Have faith in yourself and your power. You are a good person who deserves to be truly loved unconditionally. ❤️
One book I found recently has helped me tons.
Surviving a Borderline Parent
I, too, come from an undiagnosed borderline parent and also exhibit borderline traits (with my Bipolar II). It's a rough road, but self-awareness goes a long way. Make sure you find a counselor ASAP - either at your school or call around for someone who works on a sliding scale.
This probably depends vastly on your age, but the best thing I can say at 27 is that you should set firm boundaries and stick to them. If my mother is being verbally abusive/controlling/etc, I don't talk to her. I tell her that I love her and will talk to her when she calms down, but I refuse to listen to put-downs and unsolicited advice. I know a lot of kids of borderlines who have been helped by reading up on Dialectical behavior therapy. There is also a really great (albeit a bit pricey) book called Surviving a Borderline Parent. Don't buy the Kindle edition, it has several blank/missing pages. I haven't finished it (haven't bought paperback) but I had so many moments of "OMG, other people have gone through this!" in what little I did read. If I think of anything else, I'll post it here. Good luck!
This sounds like a job for The Backyard Homestead.
This book should have pretty much everything you need to know including layouts for tiny homesteads.
Backyard Homestead!
Thats why we invented greenhouses.
If you are looking to maximize your yield in a small space I would start here.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Backyard-Homestead-Produce-quarter/dp/1603421386/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1368226239&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=backyard+gardening
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
Smile at Fear by Chogyam Trungpa
definitely mindblowing for me!
Congratulations! That's a big step. Be proud that you were able to make the switch. Not many people manage to transform ideas into results.
I think there are four areas on which you need to focus, in order to go from mediocre to great. Those areas are:
Now, these areas don't include things like marketing yourself or building valuable relationships with coworkers or your local programming community. I see those as being separate from being great at what you do. However, they're at least as influential in creating a successful and long-lasting career.
Let's take a look at what you can do to improve yourself in those four areas. I'll also suggest some resources.
&#x200B;
1. Theoretical foundation
Foundational computer science. Most developers without a formal degree have some knowledge gaps here. I suggest taking a MOOC to remediate this. After that, you could potentially take a look at improving your data structures and algorithms knowledge.
&#x200B;
2. Working knowledge.
I'd suggest doing a JavaScript deep-dive before focusing on your stack. I prefer screencasts and video courses for this, but there are also plenty of books available. After that, focus on the specific frameworks that you're using. While you're doing front-end work, I also suggest you to explore the back-end.
&#x200B;
3. Software engineering practices.
Design patterns and development methodologies. Read up about testing, agile, XP, and other things about how good software is developed. You could do this by reading the 'Big Books' in software, like Code Complete 2 or the Pragmatic Programmer, in your downtime. Or, if you can't be bothered, just read different blog posts/Wikipedia articles.
&#x200B;
4. Soft skills.
&#x200B;
Some closing notes:
- For your 'how to get started with open source' question, see FirstTimersOnly.
- If you can't be bothered to read or do large online courses, or just want a structured path to follow, subscribe to FrontendMasters and go through their 'Learning Paths'.
- 4, combined with building relationships and marketing yourself, is what will truly differentiate you from a lot of other programmers.
&#x200B;
Sorry for the long post, and good luck! :)
Quello che dici è vero.
A nessuno piace, la gran parte degli sviluppatori ha un immotivato ribrezzo per le virtù relazionali e affronta le ricerca di lavoro navigando tra una job board e l'altra o rispondendo alle email di qualche recruiter. I migliori lavori (leggi: quelli più pagati), e dispiace anche a me dirlo, non vengono mai pubblicizzati o messi in mano ai recruiter.
Consiglio una lettura molto interessante: Soft Skills: The software developer's life manual. Fategli un po' la tara e non prendete tutto come oro colato, ma è un libro che trabocca di buon senso.
One idea is reading more about soft-skills and process stuff, rather than nitty-gritty tech stuff. Books on Agile for example are great. I also listen to a lot of podcasts in that kinda scenario.
Some books that might be good for you:
- https://www.amazon.com/Clean-Agile-Basics-Robert-Martin/dp/0135781868
- https://pragprog.com/book/tpp20/the-pragmatic-programmer-20th-anniversary-edition
- https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397
- https://www.amazon.com/Phoenix-Project-DevOps-Helping-Business/dp/0988262592
I highly recommend you check out the book Soft Skills: A Software Developers Survival Manual. I think it's what your looking for.
https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1478458351&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Soft+Skills%3A+The+software+developer%27s+life+manual
I have two books I want to recommend. They aren't the best books aimed at your specific situation. But they are really good books that helped me immensely and they will probably help you as well.
https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397
This book isn't about PHP or programming at all. It's about everything you should know in order to be successful in your programming career. A big focus of the book is how to become better at learning so that's pretty much step 0.
http://learnyouahaskell.com/
This book is about learning an entirely different programming language that you're probably never going to use. The thing is this book made the single biggest impact on the way I think about programming out of anything I've ever done. The goal of reading this book is not to be able to switch from PHP to Haskell but to learn about functional programming and learn how these things could help you in your daily life. Also the book is incredibly entertaining and funny so even if you don't end up using any of the information in there (which would be hard for me to believe) it will be a very entertaining read.
I really dig the Slight Edge philosophy.
It's if you work on something a day to gain 1% mastery, time will eventually get you there.
It's not about the intensity, but the consistency. The daily discipline.
I highly recommend everyone to read the Slight Edge book.
Found the book
I am also very all or nothing with little long term success, this speaks to me.
Happy cake day and congratulations!
The ONE Thing
Not sure if you want books for daughter or you. I have two boys but picked up The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine to try to understand what pregnancy and motherhood was doing to my wife. It won't really help you be an awesome Dad. You don't need to read it cover to cover but it's pretty solid stuff and very illuminating. Spoiler: girls are different than boys.
https://www.amazon.com/Female-Brain-Louann-Brizendine/dp/0767920104
On being a positive presence, a friend of mine who has raised two amazing daughters told me: raising your kids up right is simple. You just do it by example. Simple...but not easy!
Louis CK has this advice...warning, it's not a fun prediction:
https://youtu.be/RTrCBcrFMCI
According to Louann Brizendine, the super qualified (just ask her), totally not biased neuropsychiatrist, it is verbal, emotional, and addicted to oxytocin. But don't worry, that actually makes us better than men (wink, wink).
If you're interested, check out these books. They're easy but very interesting reads, and I was astonished by some of the differences between men and women.
The Male Brain: http://www.amazon.com/The-Male-Brain-Louann-Brizendine/dp/0767927540/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1373722766&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+male+brain
The Female Brain:http://www.amazon.com/The-Female-Brain-Louann-Brizendine/dp/0767920104/ref=pd_sim_b_1
Being a male does mean something and hormones do effect our minds and behavior. There's pretty solid research on the topic, though you'll never hear it brought up in a gender studies course.
The Male Brain
The Female Brain
Well I don't agree with hate crime legislation because I don't think we should be legislating people's thoughts.
No that isn't what I meant about thought processes. If you read a book like The Female Brain you will see that the brain functioning and development of women is different from that of men. Neither is "better" but it is clear that they are different. So expecting them to have the same thoughts, emotions, reactions, etc is ridiculous at face value.
If you really want to get into this topic, go read The Female Brain. They think differently than we do. Keeping that in mind, that pic of you with friends at the cooking class is Straight Up Gold.
Try reading The Female Brain. Females are massively influenced by their hormones. Males are as well, but we don't have nearly the amount of fluctuation. Medication that alters your hormonal balance will almost definitely influence your thoughts and emotions.
I asked google, she knows everything.
https://www.amazon.com/Bucklands-Complete-Witchcraft-Llewellyns-Practical/dp/0875420508
You can start with the big blue book of Buckland.
This: https://www.amazon.com/Bucklands-Complete-Witchcraft-Llewellyns-Practical/dp/0875420508/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1511354981&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=bucklands+complete+book+of+witchcraft
It's not a tedious lecture. I'm not a book worm and i've read it completely in short time. Finished that you will now the pretty pretty basics. Then you can search for people that are into Wicca. But watch for red flags. If someone coherces you to do something sexual, that's probably not what you're looking for.
Have a nice path!. Probably in some years from now you'll be a fully fledged witch!. Your question was the first step!.
Hey 22yr old Canadian guy – I’m sorry you are going thru some tuff times right now. Are you ok?
You have been a witch before which is why you are so interested in it still. It is a part of your life you will not be able to escape. Once you walk in the way – there is nothing like it and it is somewhat impossible to breath without it.
I recommend Uncle Buck - https://www.amazon.com/Bucklands-Complete-Witchcraft-Llewellyns-Practical/dp/0875420508
Uhmmm it is a super dry read – SUPER DRY – but has historical strengths and lets you know where the movement is now in this lifetime.
I sense you should focus on your connections – like HDMI cables – we are always attached. You can travel back up and visit the (what I call ) The great mother or the pool (land of the dead – resting souls). You will learn from those guides more than you can learn from me. Your advanced – very much so – and you have memories of your time as a witch… You can see yourself – feel yourself – performing feats that a Cowen would say is impossible… not seeing ghosts – you know what I mean.
You have already flexed these muscles – so the further you go the faster you’ll go so much more than most. Guides will be there with you – helping you along the way. Calling a teacher will be difficult at first for you – you will need to raise you energy a lot more in order to meet them half way as your guides are very very high – they vibrate at a higher vibration than most.
There are no limits to this – I sense you know this – like a toddler we test the boundaries of our playpen – so we do again. You can heal with a touch, you can harm with a thought – uhg I have stories – You can do anything – as you are allowed to as you have set for yourself prior to being born. You have a purpose. You know it – what is it?
Buy some books on the subject, Is recommend some history books on the subject rather than book that have spells and what not. I bought the big blue which is a work book that goes over everything in general and it has been very helpful thus far.
https://www.amazon.com/Bucklands-Complete-Witchcraft-Llewellyns-Practical/dp/0875420508
I'd recommend reading this if you want to get into wicca.
https://www.amazon.com/Bucklands-Complete-Witchcraft-Llewellyns-Practical/dp/0875420508
I have nothing against Cunningham, but I've found Buckland's books to be more informative. He explains things very well and it's less of "You HAVE to do it this way" than a lot of writers out there.
As a personal answer to altars and names, I've never felt that an altar has to be setup any particular way. I change the layout of mine depending on what I'm doing and the time of year, the only things that remain constant are my incense dish, atheme, spell book, and three dishes for salt, water, and libations.
As far as a witch name, I've never found a purpose for it. I used one in a previous coven I belonged to and found that even though everyone would call me by it I'd completely forget they were talking to me until they got my attention with my real name.
The Following list is taken from the Witches & Warlocks FB page. (This is Christian Day's group)
Witches and Warlocks Recommended Reading List
This is a collection of books recommended by our admins and participants in the group. Books must be approved by the admins so if you'd like to see one added to the last, please post it in the comments at the bottom of this list and, if it's something we think is appropriate, we'll add it! We provide links to Amazon so folks can read more about the book but we encourage you to shop at your local occult shop whenever possible! :)
BEGINNER'S WITCHCRAFT BOOKS
Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft
by Raymond Buckland
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0875420508
Drawing Down the Moon: Witches, Druids, Goddess-Worshippers, and Other Pagans in America
by Margot Adler
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0143038192
Grimoire of the Thorn-Blooded Witch: Mastering the Five Arts of Old World Witchery
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635500
The Inner Temple of Witchcraft: Magick, Meditation and Psychic Development
by Christopher Penczak
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738702765
The Kybalion: The Definitive Edition
by William Walker Atkinson (Three Initiates)
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1585428744
Lid Off the Cauldron: A Wicca Handbook
by Patricia Crowther
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1861630328
Mastering Witchcraft
by Paul Huson
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0595420060
Natural Magic
by Doreen Valiente
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0919345808
Natural Witchery: Intuitive, Personal & Practical Magick
by Ellen Dugan
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738709220
Old World Witchcraft: Ancient Ways for Modern Days
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635055
The Outer Temple of Witchcraft: Circles, Spells and Rituals
by Christopher Penczak
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738705314
Power of the Witch: The Earth, the Moon, and the Magical Path to Enlightenment
by Laurie Cabot
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0385301898
Solitary Witch: The Ultimate Book of Shadows for the New Generation
by Silver RavenWolf
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738703192
Spirit of the Witch: Religion & Spirituality in Contemporary Witchcraft
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738703389
Witch: A Magickal Journey
by Fiona Horne
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0007121326
Witchcraft for Tomorrow
by Doreen Valiente
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0709052448
Witchcraft Today
by Gerald Gardner
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0806525932
The Witches' Craft: The Roots of Witchcraft & Magical Transformation
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/073870265X
The Witching Way of the Hollow Hill
by Robin Artisson
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982031882
WITCHCRAFT HISTORY AND RESOURCE BOOKS
Aradia or The Gospel of the Witches
by Charles Godfrey Leland
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982432356
Encyclopedia of Mystics, Saints & Sages: A Guide to Asking for Protection, Wealth, Happiness, and Everything Else!
by Judika Illes
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0062009575
The Encyclopedia of Witches, Witchcraft and Wicca
by Rosemary Ellen Guiley
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0816071047
Etruscan Roman Remains
by Charles Godfrey Leland
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1494302519
The God of the Witches
by Margaret Murray
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0195012704
The Weiser Field Guide to Witches, The: From Hexes to Hermione Granger, From Salem to the Land of Oz
by Judika Illes
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578634792
ADVANCED BOOKS ON WITCHCRAFT AND MAGIC
Blood Sorcery Bible Volume 1: Rituals in Necromancy
by Sorceress Cagliastro
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1935150812
The Deep Heart of Witchcraft: Expanding the Core of Magickal Practice
by David Salisbury
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1780999208
Teen Spirit Wicca
by David Salisbury
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1782790594
Enchantment: The Witch's Art of Manipulation by Gesture, Gaze and Glamour
by Peter Paddon
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1936922517
Initiation into Hermetics
by Franz Bardon
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1885928122
Letters from the Devil's Forest: An Anthology of Writings on Traditional Witchcraft, Spiritual Ecology and Provenance Traditionalism
by Robin Artisson
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1500796360
Magical Use of Thought Forms: A Proven System of Mental & Spiritual Empowerment
by Dolores Ashcroft-Nowick and J.H. Brennan
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1567180841
Magick in Theory and Practice
by Aleister Crowley
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1500380679
The Plant Spirit Familiar
by Christopher Penczak
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982774311
Protection and Reversal Magick
by Jason Miller
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1564148793
Psychic Self-Defense
by Dion Fortune
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635098
The Ritual Magic Workbook: A Practical Course of Self-Initiation
by Dolores Ashcroft-Norwicki
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578630452
The Roebuck in the Thicket: An Anthology of the Robert Cochrane Witchcraft Tradition
by Evan John Jones, Robert Cochrane and Michael Howard
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1861631553
The Satanic Witch
by Anton Szandor LaVey
http://www.amazon.com/Satanic-Witch-Anton-Szandor-LaVey/dp/0922915849
Shadow Magick Compendium: Exploring Darker Aspects of Magickal Spirituality
by Raven Digitalis
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B003VS0N5K
The Tree of Enchantment: Ancient Wisdom and Magic Practices of the Faery Tradition
by Orion Foxwood
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578634075
The Underworld Initiation: A journey towards psychic transformation
by R.J. Stewart
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1892137038
HERBALISM, CANDLES, INCENSE, OILS, FORMULARIES, AND STONES
A Compendium of Herbal Magic
by Paul Beyerl
http://www.amazon.com/dp/091934545X
Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs
by Scott Cunningham
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0875421229
The Enchanted Candle: Crafting and Casting Magickal Light
by Lady Rhea
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0806525789
The Enchanted Formulary: Blending Magickal Oils for Love, Prosperity, and Healing
by Lady Maeve Rhea
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0806527048
Incense: Crafting and Use of Magickal Scents
by Carl F. Neal
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738703362
Magickal Formulary Spellbook Book 1
by Herman Slater
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0939708000
Magickal Formulary Spellbook: Book II
by Herman Slater
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0939708108
SPELLCASTING AND SPELLBOOKS
Crone's Book of Charms & Spells
by Valerie Worth
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1567188117
Crone's Book of Magical Words
by Valerie Worth
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1567188257
Encyclopedia of 5,000 Spells
by Judika Illes
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0061711233
Everyday Magic: Spells & Rituals for Modern Living
by Dorothy Morrison
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1567184693
Pure Magic: A Complete Course in Spellcasting
by Judika Illes
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578633915
Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes & Other Unsavory Notions
by Dorothy Morrison
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0979453313
The Voodoo Hoodoo Spellbook
by Denise Alvarado
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635136
The Voodoo Doll Spellbook: A Compendium of Ancient and Contemporary Spells and Rituals
by Denise Alvarado
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1578635543
THE ANCESTORS AND WORKING WITH THE DEAD
The Cauldron of Memory: Retrieving Ancestral Knowledge & Wisdom
by Raven Grimassi
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738715751
The Mighty Dead
by Christopher Penczak
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982774370
Speak with the Dead: Seven Methods for Spirit Communication
by Konstantinos
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738705225
The Witches' Book of the Dead
by Christian Day
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1578635063
_____
TAROT
78 Degrees of Wisdom
by Rachel Pollack
http://www.amazon.com/dp/157863408
When you are in a discussion or an arguement with your lover, take a step back and ask yourself what you really think about the topic. Ask yourself what you really think of his opinion and think about how his opinion is different from yours and why. Then realize that you are supposed to have your own opinions and views and that his don't work for you all the time. Letting the other person always win for the sake of trying to love them or ending the argument is the easy way out. Maybe you'll seem like your being a bitch. So what? A really good, kind, smart person isn't always liked by everyone all the time. Just most of the time. Also I know it may sound cheesy but seriously read this book http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/tags-on-product/1572241985 It's less than 12 bucks on amazon and it will change EVERYTHING!
btw, self esteem is clinically described as the image you hold of yourself and how you see yourself in your own mind. It holds all your beliefs about how you SHOULD look, speak, act, come across to others, and live. If you have ever beat yourself up for or felt bad about yourself after making a dumb choice, not succeeding, telling a bad joke, having a bad break out, having a relationship fail, not taking the trash out on time, this book is for you. It changed my whole mentality about myself and who I am. This book helps you really like who you are.
http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1453949105&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=self+esteem
It seems that everything you talked about comes down to one thing: your self esteem. Being a happy woman is more about being comfortable with yourself than anything else. You can have whatever style you choose, but if your attitude shows that you love yourself, you'll pull it off and be spectacular. A book that has really helped me is Self Esteem by McKay and Fanning.
Just remember there's no one right way to be a woman or be feminine. If anyone tells you that you have to do your makeup a certain way, or dress a certain way to be "perfect," tell them to fuck off. :)
Also, use hand lotion to get rid of hangnails. I like Eucerin because it's very rich and has no fragrance. You can use it on your legs too, and that may help with the bumps you mentioned, if they are what I think they are. For your face, you may want to try a cleanser like Cetaphil, which doesn't foam up and doesn't dry your skin. I like to use an exfoliating pad like this. It's like a Buf-Puf, but it's a lot cheaper. I use the same lotion on my face that I use on my hands, but sparingly, and it's worked out pretty well. I have moderately oily skin.
If you want to change your clothes a little, you may want to consider changing one or two pieces at a time. What I mean is, instead of a hoodie with your jeans, you can wear a lacy camisole or sparkly tank top with a sweater. Or you could wear a skirt with your usual T-shirt. Or you could wear a T-shirt, jeans, and a pair of cute flats with some kind of neat detail. I'm a big fan of sparkly stuff. :P Check out places like Target, H&M, or Forever 21 for trendy things that you might like.
I really like your hairstyle. It's super cute. :)
This one: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985
It’s provided more benefit to me than any other book.
Yes, this is very important, anonymousmustache. If your mother has borderline personality disorder, it is vital that you read about it, because your knowledge and understanding can help improve your interactions with your mother. It is also imperative for protecting yourself. When you can make it to a library (or maybe a school counselor's office? therapist?), I would check out something like Surviving a Borderline Parent.
Of course!
Surviving a Borderline Parent
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I started reading this books called surviving a borderline parent. It is really helpful. Check it out! Surviving a Borderline Parent:... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572243287?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Even if she isn’t diagnosed she sounds exactly like someone with BPD.
I also started therapy but this book has been helpful to see that I’m not alone.
Sure. I got Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder and Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. Both books reference each other and tie together well, although they're by different authors.
This month I finished up Oryx and Crane, and started Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem and Sleeping Giants.
I really didn't enjoy Oryx and Crake much. Guess it's just not for me.
I am enjoying Sleeping Giants, though the interview store kind of irritates me.
The other book will hopefully help me deal with some stuff I've needed help dealing with.
We live on about 4 acres in rural Maryland. But there's tons of books out there about how to do similar stuff on a 1/4 acre lot. This one is one of the best.
And it's best if you start small anyway. You can grow a lot of tomatoes, peppers, and cucumbers in containers.
The Backyard Homestead is pretty good for a beginner. It isn't strictly a permaculture book, but I was surprised to see how many of the permie concepts it incorporated. Begin with something like that, and then as you expand you can get more hard core.
This is our favorite book. It's great for beginners and covers a wide range of topics. We keep it on hand to use as a quick reference.
https://www.amazon.com/Backyard-Homestead-Produce-food-quarter/dp/1603421386/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1475154440&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=homesteading
Country Living is a good one too - it has lots of sections on gardening, homesteading, etc. https://www.amazon.com/Encyclopedia-Country-Living-40th-Anniversary/dp/1570618402/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1496664896&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=country+living
The Backyard Homestead is a good one for when you have limited space for your garden, too: https://www.amazon.com/Backyard-Homestead-Produce-food-quarter/dp/1603421386/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1496664924&amp;sr=8-6&amp;keywords=homesteading
And then we LOVE this cookbook. It's a bit basic, but I use the recipes in it over and over and over again - her Herbed Biscuit recipe is my go-to now for biscuits, dumplings in chicken and dumplings, that sort of thing. If you don't live in the NOrtheast, though, you'll have to adjust the months for when stuff becomes available in the garden: https://www.amazon.com/Farmers-Cookbook-Preserving-Fermenting-Handbook/dp/1616083808/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1496664947&amp;sr=8-5&amp;keywords=farmer%27s+cookbook
Depending on how much space you've got, this one is pretty nice: The Backyard Homestead. There's a little bit of everything :)
If you're into permaculture and that kind of thing, I'd recommend Gaia's Garden and Edible Forest Gardens, Vol 2. Be warned, Edible Forest Gardens is a bit like reading an engineering text!
Here you go:
The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.
My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.
I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).
I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.
Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.
Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.
Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.
Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.
Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.
Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.
Attached - great book on attachment theory
DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.
Edit to add: Forgot the best one!
Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.
These books helped when my mother passed unexpectedly:
I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye
When Things Fall Apart
No Mud, No Lotus
I am so sorry that your mom went through that and that you lost her.
I struggle with lapsing into unhealthy coping mechanisms in the face of emotional pain—numbing behaviors that in the short term help me get through a difficult time, but that get in the way of what Brene Brown calls whole-hearted living.
Pema Chodron talks about the paradox of how running away from pain causes us to suffer more than learning to stay in the moment and let ourselves feel things deeply.
Kristin Neff’s work is in the same vein as Pema Chodron’s, and is also excellent (she’s a psychologist and a researcher, whereas Pema Chodron is a buddhist nun).
Another resource that’s been a big help to me is Byron Katie’s The Work, which is a process for dealing with stressful thoughts (by filling out worksheets that help you work with those thoughts). Her worksheets are available for free (go to the “downloads” link and look at the “judge your neighbor worksheet” and “the four questions”).
I don’t mean to give unsolicited advice—these are things that have helped me in similar circumstances. Things might be different for you. xo
Pema Chodron: When Things Fall Apart
Daniel Millman: Way of the Peaceful Warrior
Don Miguel Ruiz: Four Agreements
Maya Hornbacher : Waiting
Bill W.: 12 Secular Steps
Maybe check out this book:
https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438
Also, don’t be so hard on yourself. Much of what is bothering you starts with your expectations of yourself. You may think it’s everyone else, but it’s really your expectations for yourself that really matter. To hell with expectations. You’ll learn the lessons you need to as you need them. And if something’s not working, be patient and open to learning when the lesson comes. Other than that don’t stress. Don’t push it. Just live, you’re good.
When Things Fall Apart -
https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438
I honestly think you should read a book called when things fall apart https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=when+things+fall+apart+pema+chodron&amp;qid=1557973727&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=when+thibgs+fall&amp;sr=8-1 it's better fitting for your situation I believe.
I don't know that I'm navigating life all that well, but some little things have helped and why not share with the class? I think I have underlying mental health issues (depression, anxiety) worsened by trauma (rape, attempted rape which morphed into PTSD, I think) and a narcissistic dad.
Here are a few helpful ones:
Sexual healing, literally https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933/
PTSD and trauma: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/
Shitty men: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/
Shitty parents: https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/r
https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/
A Buddhist reminder that to live is to suffer: https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438
Brene Brown, duh: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Vulnerability-Teachings-Authenticity-Connection/dp/1604078588
(All the eating disorder books I read have been useless, and I am probably depressed and I'm certainly anxious but the literature on that never quite fits.)
Okay, that's prob good, right?
For now, your top priority is not even getting over him, it's taking care of yourself. I hope you are doing that.
Also, stay with it. Whatever it is you are feeling, don't try to run away from it, as it will only make it harder. Get yourself a copy of When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It might help you. It's helped me through some rough times. Try running. Exercise helps too.
You can't make anyone want you. I know you know that. What you probably don't know is that what looks like a devastating loss right now is just the universe making space for you to meet someone who will want to stay.
I know none of this sounds terribly comforting right now, but just keep in mind that nothing is ever permanent and even these bad times will go away. Stay strong, take care of yourself. Let me know if you want to talk to a stranger.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times https://www.amazon.com/dp/1611803438/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_1IS4DbJDH9VTE
Oh my precious daughter, I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. I wish I could fix all your problems and make everything OK. Let me hold you for a while, in a long mom-hug. We can just sit down for a while and you can rest in my arms. I so want to be able to give you some peace.
Most of the time abnormal cells from a pap smear is just the HPV virus. It's not nothing, but you will probably still be ok, baby.
Make sure you get lots of sleep, drink lots of water and eat nutritious foods. Watch some comedies. A big pot of chicken noodle soup sounds like a good idea right now.
Maybe read something that will help. I like this book.. https://smile.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438/
but you can look for something that suits you if this is not your cup of tea.
Take care, sweetheart. It's going to be OK.
You can consider about market yourself.
You can get started with this Soft skill for developer book
And this is the author's youtube channel.
Ah Midwesterner! Ok Chicago is a great midwest market! Maybe the current market there needs enterprise web developers more so than PHP developers for example.
On learning the business side it sounds like you should pick up some books on the business side of software development Soft Skills is a good one!
Soft Skills: The software developer's life manual https://www.amazon.com/dp/1617292397/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fLMdzbJG99MF3
First off I would look at what companies in particular you want. You could even start networking if they have an online presence, but at the very least you could find out what is booming in Iowa or KC based on the actual job market. Learning a language for the sole purpose of learning the language is kind of a waste of time, since it seems like you already have years of web dev experience in one form or another and aside from basic familiarity with an IDE and source control I doubt there's much difference to an employer who wants to know if you're a good fit with the people and team(s) you'll be working on.
Specializing is always good, but this is something that you can write your resume to reflect. Remember it's not a meritocracy. Companies don't hire best candidates, they hire best impressions. Becoming a "Master" in any language in the span of 7 months without actually working on a project team is basically impossible. But you could learn the fundamentals of a few, take a few Udacity courses for instance...
This and more is covered in a really good book by John Sonmez called Soft Skills http://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397
There's a lot of good general coding advice on here so I'll keep my post relevant to life stuff. I came into web development after being an undiagnosed bipolar alcoholic for several years. Originally, I wanted to become a web designer but I quickly grew fascinated by the back-end development of a site and my skill set grew quickly.
One of the hardest challenges you will face is when this stuff is no longer new and exciting. You will have moments when it's hard to push yourself to code but like running, you have to push past the wall. A good book is Softskills for Software Developers https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397 you should check it out.
Small things does not show right away. Small things + time = huge improvement. Your comment above reminds me of the content of the book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Slight-Edge-Disciplines-Happiness/dp/1626340463
Keep it up!
Looks like you're practicing The Slight Edge! Been reading the book.
Hi OP, reading your comment "I’m really insecure about my intelligence" took me back a bit. I'm a scientist (and a few decades older) and there is no good scientific explanation for intelligence. IQ is a measure of what IQ tests measure - and work from 2011 illustrates the effect of motivation [see here for an article from Science.](http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2011/04/what-does-iq-really-measure)
You should be humble, which means you don't even think about how 'smart' or 'intelligent' (quotes used on purpose!) you are perceived, you are just /u/Spudnik1808 that fellow or gal who is a genuine person with good empathy.
The brightest people I know don't think themselves very 'smart' themselves. Why?
They know how ignorant they are, and are pushing hard to reduce that ignorance, and so they are humble about it and outwork the brightest. You know, tortoise and hare stuff.
A copy of [The Slight Edge](https://www.amazon.com/Slight-Edge-Turning-Disciplines-Happiness/dp/1626340463) is on my bookstand, and I'm going to start reading it this weekend. It will likely confirm a suspicion I've had for a long time - that my own personal self-image isn't built on 'I'm the smartest, I'm the best' but rather 'I'm the hardest working, I'm the hungriest' which has made an enormous difference in both my personal and professional life.
As others have said there will be always somebody who knows more, earns more, is more famous, is more handsome/pretty, is more accomplished than you. And it really doesn't matter.
FWIW don't let it bug you - it really doesn't matter what people think (of whether you are considered 'smart' or not).
I'll finish with a quote from Goethe: "To create something you must be something."
A few very concerning reviews. For example,
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/review/1626340463/R1YT87K3YA4PB1/ref=cm_cr_dp_mb_rvw_2?ie=UTF8&amp;cursor=2
Looking forward to the discussion though
>Why can't i just do shit, it's so easy
Because it's easier to do the same shit you've been doing.
When you're feeling low and haven't had a taste of success, doing things that matter feels pointless, yet it's the only way to better your life as you say you want. I would suggest you read a few books, The War of Art and The Slight Edge that might nudge you in the right direction.
Thank you for sharing this! I mainly do it to hold myself accountable, but it is great to hear it is helping others in their projects as well. To be honest, this is the first time I have consistently worked on a project for more than a few weeks. Usually, I hit week 5 or so and stop. The thing that made me put together a good strategy for this project was reading the one thing by Gary Keller, Deep Work by Cal Newport Scott Young's Website and Scott had a top performer and rapid learning program that gave me a great roadmap for this challenge. My suggestion to you as you start your project again is to keep things as simple as possible so it will develop into an easy habit. That is why I started doing video updates, it was easier for me to do a minute video then type up an update. Do not fall victim to the rules that you create. I would also just focus on French or algorithms, evaluate which is more important to you, this was the hardest thing for me. I'm sure you have great aspirations to accomplish both, but you need to say No to everything else to successfully say yes to your #1 project. Good luck finishing :).
Here are all the books with amazon links, Alphabetical order :)
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You might find meditation worthwhile. There are many forms of meditation, my favorite is Vipassana or "awareness" meditation. You pick something as your focus, often it's your breath, but it can be other things like walking, archery, even dancing or art. The gist is, whatever you are doing, DO THAT. As stray thoughts come into your mind, notice them, and let them go.
Say you're focusing on walking, feeling each lift-move-place. A random thought comes in, you notice it and label it "Thinking", and let it go. You might find yourself judging yourself for not being able to focus, so just notice that: "Judging," and let it go. By cultivating mindfulness and a level of detachment from stray thoughts and emotions, you gain that time to process new information more skillfully, and things don't seem as intense.
It's not forcing thoughts out of your head, nor clinging to them. It's just letting them go.
The Experience of Insight is a great book on meditation and Buddhist insights.
Way of the Peaceful Warrior is also worth a read, and Peaceful Warrior is actually a good movie too.
Here is a scene from Peaceful Warrior.
i always recommend these to people who are genuinely interested in giving fewer fucks:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069
and
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1376776535&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=way+of+the+peaceful+warrior
Way of the Peaceful Warrior.
he assigned “way of the peaceful warrior” by dan millman to many of his players. it’s the story of a professional athlete on a sort of spiritual journey.
Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives https://www.amazon.com/dp/1932073205/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_h3C7AbY96EHQR
Have you ever read Tolle? You might find The Power of Now worthwhile. Also, I've mentioned meditationshift in my comments to you - they have some "Tolle-esque" stuff that is insightful and I think you will find it helpful and enlightening (pun intended).
Had the same question. Found them, I think. Wanted to pass it on to you:
That sounds awesome man. Good to have goals. Congrats on retiring!
If you are into philosophy check out:
Epicurus:
http://www.epicurus.net/en/principal.html
Buddhist meditation:
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B003XF1LKW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1510271937&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=mindfulness+in+plain+english
The Tao Te Ching;
https://www.amazon.com/Lao-tzus-Taoteching-Lao-Tzu-ebook/dp/B00APD9VP2/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1510271966&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=tao+te+ching+red+pine
I hate just to reccomend a book, but if you can get your hands on a copy of Mindfulness: In Plain English, it is excellent in terms of explaining meditation simply and easily and making it approachable for beginners.
You're definitely asking the right question. :)
You might try a few well regarded books on meditation. So many to choose from, but two that helped me during early days are:
Mindfulness in Plain English: 20th Anniversary Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003XF1LKW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_51hdBbMRFMS0T
Meditation Now or Never https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000VM9YV8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_N4hdBbKZGW4M6
uuu uuu one I can help on...
u/wmfj I'll add in a lot of details here.
I have been meditating now for about 5 or 6 years and have worked alongside Theravada Buddhists to better understand my practice. Meditation is not about exploring your feeling as much as it is about helping you form new habits. That is what the Eight-fold Noble Path is all about, good habits.
The goal of meditation is to help you be “mindful.” To slow your mind down and focus on the here and now. So think about “right speech.” This is just an example for illustration purposes; I am not saying you are doing this. While talking to some lovely lady you begin to realize you were negative about something and it is turning her off. So you make an adjustment. Developing the habit of not speaking negative about things is a priority but first you have to realize you are doing it and then slowdown in order to stop it and be more thoughtful of what you are saying. This is the essence of mindfulness and Buddhism. It takes time to achieve everything that meditation should achieve, and everyone is different. So how long it will take you to benefit is really up to you.
The guided meditations on this site were used on studies that helped people deal with anxiety and a lot of other issues. The breath and the loving kindness mediations are the ones that are best to start with.
http://marc.ucla.edu/default.cfm?id=1
Personally, I do prefer this one though, it is more in line with the original Pali
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM
One of the best books on meditation is Mindfulness in Plain English.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003XF1LKW/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o00_?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
Exercise will help too, both to impress the ladies with a hot bod and with social anxiety. Once you get over social anxiety and learn to go with the flow, meeting people will become more and more natural, to include women. This last part is what I have been working on the past year as far as my self-improvement plan and it is paying massive dividends. Not that I’m getting laid on the regular but I know I am getting closer to what I want which is a long term relationship.
I think you all the other advice here has you covered especially u/bunilde. Good luck
I can't say it's changed my parenting (wife is 40+2 with our first), but I wish I had read Anders Ericsson's Peak years ago. Grad school would have been a lot easier. Ericsson is the scientist upon whose work Malcolm Gladwell based his "10,000 hour rule" (which misses the biggest takeaway from Ericsson's research, by the way). My work habits have changed quite a bit because of his research, and I've been far more productive since. I can see a lot of applications for child rearing.
Dreaming is easy - taking your workouts seriously is harder.
Read these two books of you are looking for motivation to reach your potential.
War of Art - Pressfield
Peak - Ericsson
Or don't :P
All the research says that a healthy person can learn anything with the right kind of practice over a sufficient period of time. There's no secret to expertise. Obviously, not everyone has life circumstances that allow them to do this, but people can learn more quickly and thoroughly than they think with the right kind of practice.
Peak: Secrets From The New Science of Expertise does a good job summarizing the research. Another interesting example is the Polgar family.
Part of it is an outlook issue. There's a difference between "I can't do math" and "I haven't figured out how to do math, yet." A person with the former belief will see obstacles as justification for quitting, while a person with the latter belief will go looking for a different way to practice.
With respect to math, I guarantee you that the typical programmer is doing more math than they realize. They don't realize it because they have a certain idea of what math is, what it looks like, what it feels like to "do math", etc. and they neither see nor feel any of that in their programming work.
A person with the latter attitude might ask themselves, "How does math play a role in what I'm currently doing? Can I find the math in what I'm already doing and use that as a first step in getting better at math?" A person with the former attitude won't — if they can't "do math" then, by definition, whatever they're doing can't be math.
Shows the power of influence of Malcolm Gladwell. 10,000 hours was the average hours it took violinists to become experts. The amount of hours varies between disciplines with deliberate practice being the most important factor. It will likely take that long, but it's not a set number.
For anyone interested in what the actual researcher of that study has to say he released a book on deliberate practice:
https://www.amazon.ca/Peak-Secrets-New-Science-Expertise-ebook/dp/B011H56MKS
Ignore the 101 tips and self-help books. They tend to be useless.
I have three nooks set out for you bellow. The Mullins is a good general guide on teams, personnel and leadership. Hayes is an excellent book on mamanging change ( which is what you're doing) and the Kahneman helps you think through how you interact by working on your understanding of bias.
Use Mullins to understand how teams work. Use Hayes to build yourself a strategy of leadership and management. Use the Kahneman to help you understand behaviour and how you can enhance it to develop your people.
Beyond this you can use all three through out the rest of your career, and if you end up doing an MBA they're on the syllabus so you're getting a head start.
You need:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Management-Organisational-Behaviour-Laurie-Mullins/dp/0273792644/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1483273605&amp;sr=8-1-spell&amp;keywords=mullins+orgnaisation+development
this:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Theory-Practice-Change-Management/dp/1137275340/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1483273647&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=hayes+change+management
and this :
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0141033576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1483273684&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=daniel+kahneman+thinking+fast+and+slow
Speaking personally, I'd actually love it if people actually made political decisions based on scientific evidence and reasoned argument. The sad fact is that our brains are wired such that once the emotional limbic part of the brain gets provoked we react emotionally and rationalize afterwards as to why we made that decision. Theres an excellent book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0141033576 which describes the processm the neurochemistry and it's effects.
There are a number of types of meditation- I started doing zazen while I was in college, and I've found it immensely useful. Especially for dealing with stress.
It's pretty simple- sit cross-legged (or in seiza, or half-lotus, or whatever; the specifics aren't important) facing the wall, with your back straight and your hands just touching in front of you (like this dude). You're going to find that it's not super-comfortable, but that's by design- keeping your back straight, and your hands barely touching (and not resting them in your lap), it'll help you from dozing off. It's easy to tell that you're losing focus because you'll start hunching over.
After that- just start counting your breaths. Don't try to breathe superslow or anything; just breathe normally. How high you count doesn't matter either; once you get to 8 or 10, start over.
When you start, you'll find your brain absolutely assaults you with random thoughts. It'll get better with practice- the important thing is not to beat yourself up when it happens. When a thought enters your head, just accept it, let go of it, and go back to counting.
The other important thing is regularity- you don't need to meditate for five hours, but if you want to see changes then you need to do it every day (or at least most days). When you're getting started, even five or ten minutes at a time can help.
One final thing- if you try it and hate it, don't worry. It's not for everyone! I took my girlfriend to the zendo once and it was a disaster. If you do get into it- be careful what you read; there's a lot of new-agey crap that people like to slap the word "zen" on because it's trendy. I found this book to contain a lot of practical advice.
Good luck!
The Three Pillars of Zen
I enjoyed The Three Pillars of Zen by Philip Kapleau. It's more detailed than "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind".
I'm not sure why you think only dudes = qualified to answer this question. I'm not one so you might end up ignoring my input, but I figure I'd put this out there anyway: there is a somewhat controversial school of thought in evolutionary psychology (a somewhat controversial discipline in itself) that purports that because men have an abundance of sperm while women have only a few eggs, men seek to expand their progeny as widely as possible and go for quantity over qualify while women go about things the other way around.
Not sure whether I actually believe it, but it's definitely one theory.
(Source: this book, which I read years and years ago, but which still might be relevant to your interests...)
Maybe Dan Heath & Chip Heath - Switch: How To Change Things When Change Is Hard
Hi, I can't say I am familiar with this kind of situation or anything close to feeling the stress you must be feeling right now, but recently I have been reading an interesting book called Switch (http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752). I am still on the first few chapters, but I already found some valuable advice, like focusing on the few things that are working and trying to replicate their conditions. You might want to give the book a shot and see if inspiration strikes.
Switch: How To Change Thngs When Change is Hard
I would love this book.
I'm learning the very basics of DBT at the moment. It's very useful! Actually,
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip Heath
Permalink: http://amzn.com/0385528752
Is a pretty good look at DBT applied to professional and business and gov't situations. I actually learned enough about DBT reading it to leap ahead of my therapist a bit. I immediately knew when she was introducing 'finding bright spots', and that was cool, because we could jump into implementing it instead of guiding to accepting it. I knew they worked because of my reading, it just took a little guidance to find some in my own life.
You need to find a compatible 'interface'. In this case I would bet you just need to find the mouse's cheese and plug it into a USB port. If it isn't a wireless mouse then you will want to attach the cheese to the 'wire' and plug it in tail first. If that's too technical I found a user manual: Who Moved My Cheese
I would suggest 12 people is too much for anyone to manage. The basic rule of thumb I have always related back to is no person should be responsible for more than about 7 people directly. But if you are stuck with the 12 with then my first thought would be to quickly identify 1 or 2 of those people to sort of run a small team within your team. I guess this depends what you do for work, but maybe silo'ing the team into some unofficial groups might make it easier?
I am a team leader. I look after three-four people currently. Very manageable. I have previously been in a position of managing a larger team and found it very daunting as well. Smaller teams are better are way better for us INFP people. I have been fortunate enough to have been involved in quite a bit of business coaching/leadership training over my years. This stuff is invaluable if you can get in on it, and don't consider it a once only affair. Keep revisiting this stuff to keep it fresh and give you new tools.
Also, a book recommendation. It's short but very good. http://www.amazon.com/Who-Moved-My-Cheese-Amazing/dp/0399144463
Senior Level Software Engineer Reading List
Read This First
Fundamentals
Development Theory
Philosophy of Programming
Mentality
Software Engineering Skill Sets
Design
History
Specialist Skills
DevOps Reading List
Just in case you need a few more doges to get more people to sign-up and complete the form:
+/u/dogetipbot 200 doge verify
All the very best for your degree project. And hope you have read the following as they talk about the same topic:
A quick addition to what I mentioned elsewhere here: I really like two books that are highly relevant to this discussion: Mastery, by George Leonard, which is a short but thoughtful read about dealing with the ups and downs of a difficult, long-term learning process (viewed through the lens of Aikido), and, much more generally, Flow, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, which explores the importance of and process for finding depth and focus in skill-based activities.
Basically, both of them dive heavily into why it is more important - even for performance - to focus on the process rather than the goal.
I think you'll always be unsatisfied as long as you keep changing things whenever you get bored. Pick one. Push through. Stay on the plateau for three months. When you have a breakthrough it'll be worth it.
Y'all might want to read Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment.
Sounds like you've plateaued. That happens. Persist.
For anyone that would like to understand more about this kind of mindset, I highly recommend this book I read recently!
It walks through why focusing on individual bricks, even though it's more time consuming, is a lot more advantageous and has a higher payoff than trying to throw a wall together just to feel like you accomplished something.
You'll like this book :- http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfillment/dp/0452267560
I feel this way too. At the same time I also kind suspect I'm just rationalizing my fear, whatever it's a fear of.
It's obviously true that everyone has the right to choose to live alone. But since most people don't exercise that right or they don't want to, I'm afraid I'm choosing to ignore some painful truth.
Every therapist I've talked to has said that having a healthy relationship is satisfying, but I kind of doubt that.
It's probably necessary to work one's shit out in order for that to be the case. If you still have too many fleas, it won't be able to work out ever.
But on the bright side that changes the question: not whether or not do I live alone,
but
whether and how I can get better?
And then after I get better I can worry about all of that relationship crap but I have more important things to do in the present.
Also I like this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
Well, it sounds to me your counselor might be right. I would suggest that you approach the issue from two sides:
If you find yourself worrying and trapped in the same loop of thoughts ("I am sure he is seeing someone else" -> "I need to check his textmessages" -> "I hate myself for doing this" -> "He is going to hate me for doing this" -> "He has no reason to be with me" -> "I am sure he is seeing someone else") just think about something else. Leave the room, the apartment. Call someone.
I would suggest some proper therapy. You could try Schema Therapy. Check this book: Reenventing your life a lot of the cases and descriptions there seem parallel to your situation.
Don't be hard on yourself ("I am a crazy bitch"), this only worsens the problem. Your boyfriend loves you obviously - and the fact that you are not only incapable of comprehending but also of merely accepting this is what will destroy your life in the long run.
The fact that he is patient and supportive and that you are very conscious and active about it is enough reason for hope: You will make it but you have to tell your scumbag brain that it needs to stop telling you that you are not loved! Your man loves you the way you are, deal with it.
https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Cycle-Abuse-Beyond-Abuse-Free/dp/0471740594
https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
i feel exactly same.i can advice you to read book Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young.İt helped me a alot.
https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
Try this book as an introduction: Reinventing Your Life
I am waiting on my gender scan to decide which book to buy, but there's an author named Louann Brizendine who wrote a book on the female brain and one on the male brain. You mentioned knowing how boys' minds work, so maybe reading her book on the female brain will help put you at ease.
Here is the link. Good luck, you'll do just fine!
Awesome. I just finished my masters myself. I will explain the mathematical reasons then as well as I can. My point is that often, economists use economic models that make assumptions for event likelyhoods that reflect gaussian distributions. In nature, most scale-free systems and networks (systems and networks that have fractal like properties) tend not to be gaussian, and have long tailed power law distributions. But even these distributions are oversimplifications because they fail to model things like cascading failure. The sheer amount of derivatives present in the financial system today makes modelling risk extremely difficult. Now put people in charge of these institutions who have massive incentives for gains, but are not held equally responsible for losses, and you have a recipe for disaster. Even for highly rational administrators, intuitive thinking is strongly biased towards overconfidence(Another book to recommend here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0141033576)
It is not hard to make money in finance because all you have to do is ignore any kind of unknown factors that might contribute to risk, and right now we make it way too easy to do so.
EDIT: Sorry, I left out an important bit to make money: I you have to gamble with someone else's money. That part is important. Otherwise you own the risk yourself. We cant have that.
Awesome!
My request would be Thinking, Fast and Slow.
But anything you choose would be fine, Murphs! ;)
> People don’t decide on what candidate they support or what issues they stand or do not stand for with this same mindset.
Actually it's worse, because people do make generalisations about a candidate's unknown attributes based on quite possibly unrelated known attributes. Hence candidates (and people in general) can be thought of as trustworthy and competent purely on the basis of their being physically attractive.
It's worth reading Daniel Kahneman's seminal book Thinking, Fast and Slow for more on this fascinating, but slightly depressing, phenomenon.
If you like this then also check out Danial Kahneman's book Thinking Fast and Slow, which, among other things, discusses the planning fallacy and Dunning-Kruger effect.
Thinking, fast and slow
https://www.amazon.in/dp/0141033576/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_CuWLDbQF62S7Q
The theory of "post-hoc rationalization" is actually a pretty well-developed one within modern neuroscience and behavioral economics in particular. There's a brief summary of some major ideas here.
Robert Zajonc, who is known for his extensive research on the mere-exposure effect, had this to say about post-hoc rationalization:
>"decisions are made with little to no cognitive process ... we make judgements first, and then seek to justify those judgements by rationalization."
(Source here).
Dual Process Theory also comes to a similar conclusion w.r.t. post-hoc justification, as the "rational" system of cognition tends to be slower and limited in capacity. Kahneman has a pretty excellent and accessible book exploring this and its implications for behavioral economics.
A related phenomenon is the tendency of humans to exhibit choice-supportive bias, which is essentially where a person subconsciously attaches positive aspects to a choice or object after they make the choice or purchase the object.
Interestingly though, when some Swedish cognitive scientists created an experiment relating to this, they found some very strange results. Subjects were offered two photographs of people and were asked who they found most attractive. After the subject chose a photo, they would be given a closer look at the photo and were asked why they decided to choose that option. However, in some of the rounds they would be given the declined photograph rather than the one they chose. The majority of subjects in these rounds did not notice conspicious differences with the picture they had just chosen before, and confabulated explanations for why they preferred the second picture, in effect explaining a decision they never made.
(Source here).
TL;DR: The idea that people tend to act on an unconscious reasoning system and that these decisions are post-hoc rationalized (or perhaps aborted) by a slower conscious reasoning system is not at all a dubious claim and is one of the major recent developments in cognitive science.
There are a lot more intelligent people than I who have debated this, and with the advent of more intricate neuro science what we perceive as conscious decisions are far more layered and complex than merely being a 'free will' choice. Without getting into complex philosophy here's a link to an interesting book that's an easier read than Descartes, Dennett or Kant.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0141033576?pc_redir=1408889481&amp;robot_redir=1
It shows how easily your brain can be fooled into making a decision that is not your own.
yes is that one.
english version: Thinking Fast and Slow. https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0141033576/ref=ox_sc_mini_detail?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;smid=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE
Only The Three Pillars of Zen and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance so far.
He had a very deep understanding of reality, yet still quite an alcoholic unless I'm mistaken. I always preferred my gurus sober, but maybe that's just me. :)
edit: I always found Philip Kapleau's Three Pillars of Zen to be the best book for meditation newbies - it's pretty awesome.
another edit: more on alan watt and alcohol
The Three Pillars of Zen helped start me out, but I found parts of it difficult and had to re-read. Once finished, I had to start again because I didn't feel like I "got it". Strangely, I didn't mind. The descriptions and explorations of different schools of thought were very interesting to me.
A book that helped me personally was The Power of Now. I had/have a big problem focusing. The book explains how to control your thoughts in a very (practical isn't exactly the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind) practical way. There's some real crunchy-groove philosophy in there, but if you can get past it, there's a lot of good info in there too.
You have to meditate, as it was said. Also, you can look for a zen temple and join their group and practice there. That would be ideal.
And there are books on zen by modern masters that give practical instructions, they will be more clear on what to do to learn zen than the teachings of Huang Po. I personally like these:
http://zbohy.zatma.org/common/downloads/SeventhWorldOfChanBuddhism.pdf
https://www.amazon.com/Zen-Training-Philosophy-Shambhala-Classics/dp/1590302834/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1523600052&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=zen+training
https://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Zen-Love-Work-Plus/dp/0061285897/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1523600082&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=charlotte+joko+beck
https://www.amazon.com/Nothing-Special-Charlotte-J-Beck/dp/0062511173/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1523600082&amp;sr=1-3&amp;keywords=charlotte+joko+beck
https://www.amazon.com/Three-Pillars-Anniversary-Updated-Revised/dp/0385260938/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1523600135&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=three+pillars+of+zen
https://www.amazon.com/Zen-Merging-Roshi-P-Kapleau/product-reviews/0385261047/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_hist_5?ie=UTF8&amp;filterByStar=five_star&amp;reviewerType=all_reviews#reviews-filter-bar
https://www.amazon.com/Path-Bodhidharma-Teachings-Library-Enlightenment/dp/0804832161/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1523600289&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=harada+shodo
Seconded. Also, if you're interested in the Zen path, Three Pillars of Zen or Eight Gates of Zen. The latter was written by the abbot of the Zen Mountain Monastery (John Daido Loori, who just past away a few months ago) in new Woodstock NY. It's a great place to visit if you live on the east coast.
I assumed this:
https://www.amazon.com/Three-Pillars-Anniversary-Updated-Revised/dp/0385260938
Finding the "path" is one of the greatest fortune in life... so it is said. So congratulation.
I would strongly recommend "Three Pillars of Zen" by Roshi Phillip Kapleau.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Three-Pillars-Zen-Enlightenment/dp/0385260938
This book was and is one of the most influential book in my life. What I really liked is that somewhere about the middle, there are accounts of enlightenment experiences of westerners. The sufferings of most of these students were something that I strongly identified with. Just these accounts are fun enough for the price of ownership.
All the best.
>Moreover, unless fortified by joriki (meditative practice), a single experience of kensho (satori-awakening) will have no appreciable effect on your life, and will fade away into a mere memory. For although through the experience of kensho you have apprehended the underling unity of the cosmos with your Mind's eye, without joriki you are unable to act with the total force of our being on what your inner vision has revealed to you.
Yasutani-roshi of Zen Buddhism p. 48 "The Three Pillars of Zen", edited by Phillip Kapleau
The full lecture may be of interest to you, it regards the three aims of zazen in Zen Buddhism. Let me know if you'd like a scan!
You say:
>Life has a way if forcing you back into the game and making you care about pointless things that we bring upon ourselves without realizing it, and im getting trapped again.
But you see: this isn't life doing this... it is you! You are life! You are allowing yourself to care about these "pointless" things.
>How am I supposed to learn and be a good person when there is bad energy all around me?
Meditate. Practice. Consider purchasing this text: https://www.amazon.com/Three-Pillars-Zen-Teaching-Enlightenment/dp/0385260938/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1542392386&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+three+pillars+of+zen+by+philip+kapleau
The Way of Zen, by Alan Watts
The Three Pilars of Zen, by Philip Kapleau Roshi
Confession of a Buddhist Atheist, by Stephen Batchelor.
Outside of that, most of the stuff that I read comes from brazilian monks, like Monja Coen or Monje Gensho
First heard of this story in the three pillars of Zen. Thanks for sharing.
Mate selection like what you describe is not uniquely human. I would recommend the book The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller.
Are all dating apps really that bad? I know there are a lot of scam web sites out that, but I know a few men who have successfully used dating apps. I know the odds are stacked against men on them, but they seem like they could work if you look okay and have a decent job. I am planning on trying some once I loss more weight and fix my appearance a bit.
You thoughts on PUA are largely the same as mine.
I am hesitant to suggest this, but I do like parts of the The Red Pill. They can be very misogynist and often have what I think is an exaggerated view of how things really are. I do like some of the self improvement aspect of the red pill.
Not sure how useful this would be, but I have been reading the Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller. It is not a dating or PUA book, but I feel like it has helped me understad why women act the way they do.
According to the book "The Mating Mind" in hunter-gatherer societies, big game accounted for about 3% of diet.
For those interested in this topic, I'd also recommend The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller - a book about the impact of sexual selection on the development of the mind and our attraction to aesthetics, humor, music, etc.
> Why wouldn't they? Impregnation is the goal.
The outcome is not a decision. Not every human copulation results in impregnation.
> Animals fuck to get impregnated.
You're giving animals too much credit to suggest that they have sex to create offspring. They have sex because they feel compelled to have sex. There is no evolutionary reason why any animal would need to comprehend the outcome of mating.
We understand the outcomes, but it doesn't change our inspiration.
> They would absolutely come back for seconds when they realized they found a strong, virile, alpha-male.
Human like to have sex with people we find attractive, but will probably will be less inclined to do so again if we find it unsatisfying. The way we view things now is a result of our evolution. We didn't just suddenly become intelligent and detached from the evolutionary forces that shaped us.
If you're interested in this topic I'd highly recommend The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller. I'm reading it at the moment. I just finished the chapter on why humans have sex for longer than other animals, and the link between sexual pleasure and sexual selection. It compares a lot of theories and creates a pretty convincing picture of how it all fits together.
Sex
The Way of Men – Jack Donovan***
Sperm Wars – Robin Baker
Sex at Dawn – Christopher Ryan
Why Men Rule – Steven Goldberg
The Manipulated Man – Esther Vilar
Is There Anything Good About Men? – Roy Baumeister
Demonic Males – Dale Peterson
The Essential Difference – Simon Baron-Cohen
The Mating Mind – Geoffrey Miller
The Red Queen – Matt Ridley
****
Government
Mau-mauing the Flak Catchers – Tom Wolfe
Public Choice: An Introduction – Iain McLean
On Government Employment – Foseti (blog post)
Yes, Minister – TV Show
****
&#x200B;
That loving a tree thing gave me a really weird visual... but here is some of the best advice I can give you, I hope it helps.
~Get your body healthy. Start eating right, cut out as much sugar and soda as you can and bring in to you diet as many vegetables and fruits as you can. Start exercising 3-5 days a week, maybe jogging or going to a gym. But if that seems like something you wouldn't be able to make a habit, maybe just try taking a walk everyday or something, just getting outside and moving my legs really helped me through some of my hardest times. Also maybe consider quitting smoking if you feel that is the right move for you, it totally changed my life for the best when I quit cigs and tree.
~Start journaling or somehow writing your thought and feelings down. This sounds like it wouldn't be that helpful if you have never tried it, but trust me, it can do wonders for clarifying what exactly needs changing in your life. I think journaling can be 100x more effective than any form of therapy.
~Hang out with your friends and don't talk about how you feel depressed, talk about stuff that feels nice and get your mind off of what is making you not feel so nice.
~Check out stuff by Anthony Robbins, he is incredible. I recommend Lessons in Mastery. It really gave me a huge boost and changed my life for the better permanently at a time when I felt like how you have described you feel now.
~Get some hobbies, get outside, get your mind off your troubles and into books, sports, action, anything that makes you feel better. But make sure your not pushing your emotions under the rug, make sure to figure out (maybe with the help of journaling) what exactly the message your emotions are trying to send you is. Once you know what their message is, then it is fine to move on and take action based on those messages.
~I also recommend a book called One Small Step Could Change Your Life and also Switch.
Here are amazon links to my recommendations below (each one changed my life for the better permanently)...
If you want to talk about anything or ask me questions about how I got through some very hard times just PM anytime. I sincerely wish you good luck with everything :-)
http://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Mastery-Anthony-Robbins/dp/0743525159
http://www.amazon.com/Small-Step-Change-Your-Life/dp/0761129235/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1318486356&amp;sr=1-1
http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1318486377&amp;sr=1-1
I don't have the original source, but this book quotes a study that shows people are less likely to stick to a diet that they start on Monday. Likely because you are emotionally motivated to start on another day of the week. Like exactly what you re talking about - you feel disgusting and lethargic and are emotionally committed to losing the weight. Rather than trying to rationalize yourself into losing weight, which always loses out to those emotion-driven cravings.
You're absolutely right, Thursday is a great day to take control of your diet!
This is pretty good.
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard
If you haven't already, you might want to check out Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard.
It helps to talk 'manager' langugage - perhaps read Switch or a similar business change focused work to help get into the mindset. The 'do it well in one spot and expand on that' method is basically the 'bright spots' concept in that book.
So why then is tobacco shaming acceptable? You need to motivate people both logically and emotionally. You inform them on eating habits to motivate their logical side and you shame them to motivate their emotional side.
If you want to learn more about this dual motivation I suggest reading this book: http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752 The author discusses the concept of emotional and logical motivation and that changing someones habits requires tapping into both. His analogy is the elephant (emotion) and the rider (logic). If you only motivate the rider the elephant will stand still and nothing will happen. If you only motivate the elephant it will run a muck not knowing the correct path.
Ok /u/ACfireandiceDC, here goes:
I was diagnosed ADD a few years back after I read an account of someone describing their ADD symptoms on a Humans of New York post, of all things.
I read their life story and thought, shit, this sounds awfully relateable.
As soon as I was diagnosed, it became obvious I'd suffered since I was a child, and in-fact my Dad had, too - ADD is often genetic.
In being diagnosed, I was able to start better understanding why I acted in certain ways, and therefore able to start deploying strategies to navigate the challenges I faced.
This included starting on medication, initially Ritalin, but at this stage, I take Dextroamphetamine as I find it's much kinder to me later in the day during the 'crash' associated with amphetamine stimulant meds (note: the effects are entirely personal and vary greatly from person to person).
With hindsight, it's now obvious to me that ADD, and many other similar 'labels' are a general attempt to describe a group of symptoms that can range wildly from diagnosee to diagnosee - what I'm trying to say is that similar to Autism, I believe ADD and other similar disorders are sub-sets of a spectrum.
In my case, and by that I mean my individual 'genetic' traits which are associated with ADD, I suffer from the following things:
There are probably a few more I could squeeze in, but for the most part that's my slice of cake.
Now, at this stage of the game, a few years into the diagnosis, I've spent much time and effort reading books, studies, anecdotes and so forth which have lead me to some interesting conclusions (that I have no doubt will continue to evolve):
Overall, I think most of my symptoms are a manifestation of a type of anxiety, not dissimilar to what I imagine you experience with OCD.
As a designer, if I can't get something 100% spot on within my own idea of 'perfect', I'll quickly end up grinding to a halt and giving up.
Likewise, if I mess up a deadline early on, I'll lose all ability to continue, instead, becoming stuck in a bottomless pit of self-loathing and procrastination.
My point is, I can trace most of my symptoms back to this type of 'anxiety'.
I think, in many ways, this stems back to a conflict between my self-image and the reality of productivity requiring the suspension of 'perfection' in order to get things done.
What I mean is: in my head, I want everything I do to be perfect because my ego constantly tells itself that it's special and unlike everyone else - when I look around, I see everyone elses work that seems mediocore and average, and I 'know' that I am capable of so much better, but then when I am working on something, as soon as I faulter and begin to struggle to get it 'just right', I am no longer capable of working and the procastination sets in - perhaps just a sub-conscious defense mechanism against the realisation that I, too, am mortal, and not as 'perfect' as my ego so desperately needs me to be - a form of cognitive disonance.
As a side note, I've often wondered if this insecurity stemmed from my parents, or perhaps from bullying during my formative years - a question I fully intend on getting to the bottom of as soon as I can afford to see a professional.
With this realisation under my belt, I've slowly but surely been able to make great strides in the last few months towards something that finally seems like an effective counter-attack.
When starting a big project, I let myself spend hours, if not days, engrossing myself in the details and getting comfortable with the task set out before me. I find this helps silence many of the 'voices' (metaphorical) before they have a chance to bring me down and derail the train.
The aim is to understand what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and importantly, that I can do it, alongside a light but constant reminder that I need to focus on finishing something over lower quality rather than giving up on something nearer to perfection (in my industry, a common phrase is 'Just Fucking Ship It' (ship = launch) and 'Shipped is better than perfect').
Alongside the effective medication, frequent cardio, no longer drinking alcohol, a good nights sleep, meditation and a quiet, healthy work environment, I'm starting to see real change.
I'm no-where near the 'utopia' of productivity I have in my mind, and honestly, I likely never will be - that's okay.
But as someone who has spent literally years hating myself for not being able to command myself into action, the slightest signs of a 'pulse' are incredibly exciting.
It's taken a lot of effort and time to get here, but I firmly believe that if I can, anyone can.
If you have any further questions or think I might be able to share some other useful information, please feel free to message me or simply reply here (this applies to OP and anyone else who might stumble across this reply, at any point in the future).
As much as I hope you find this reply useful in some way on its own, I also want to leave you with some actionable steps:
If you haven't already, take a look at the GTD 'Getting Things Done' methodology. Regardless of whether you implement it or not, learning the 'science' behind it will help you on your journey.
Here's a good place to start: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOSFxKaqOm4
Then here: https://blog.zenkit.com/a-beginners-guide-to-getting-things-done-3cc1a5123b98
Some brilliant books I'd suggest are as follows - I'm not great at reading a book the whole way through these days, so I find Audiobooks to be a God-send (mainly Audible):
Mindset by Carol Dweck
https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip & Dan Heath
https://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752
Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
https://www.amazon.com/Ego-Enemy-Ryan-Holiday/dp/1591847818
Principles: Life and Work
https://www.amazon.com/Principles-Life-Work-Ray-Dalio/dp/1501124021
It's not my idea.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385528752
> Corporate profits have risen from approximately $1.4T to $1.6T from the beginning of last year. That is hardly stagnant. Moreover, the longterm trend has seen a massive increase with a near doubling in the past ten years from approximately $1T.
In first quarter 2015, profits were at an all time high, 1.7T, so stop saying they are now. After that, they dropped steadily down to 1.4T by 1st Qtr 2016, and haven't really rebounded back to where they were, granted 4th quarter 2016 has broken the losing streak, but before that they were what industry analysts call stagnant. At the end of the day we're still down 100+ billion from 2015.
I understand what your going through, hell my wife and I went through the same thing around the same age. We took a big risk, and it paid off, it was pretty much just luck and being in the right place and the right time, but we put ourselves in that place and when opportunity knocked we were ready.
You've let someone convince you that the only way your going to make it is via tax policy changes, aka waiting for the government. You've let someone give you a defeatist attitude, and kinda sound like you think society owes you something because you did a few things right. That isn't how life works.
Stop with the sob stories. Make a plan to double your salary within the next year and make it happen.
Try these, they helped me a lot. Using the resume book I got interviews with every company I sent a resume to.
https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Send-Resume-Other-Contrarian/dp/0786865962
https://www.amazon.com/Who-Moved-My-Cheese-Amazing/dp/0399144463
https://www.amazon.com/Elements-Investing-Lessons-Every-Investor/dp/1118484878
Time to read the book on the subject, "Who Moved My Cheese?"
This is really a Who Moved My Cheese moment.
The E-blade + Dagon combo was great, but there are plenty others. Yeah, farming ancient stacks was great, but there are other mechanisms for farming.
Maybe Midas Tinker will become a thing? Maybe, instead of beefing up magical/item damage, people will go pure DPS on him? His base attack would look pretty sweet w/ a Desolator or Skadi projectile.
Point is, there are plenty of people who will throw their arms up in the air and say "change is scary and I'm going home." There are others who get creative and will find ways of making him viable, potentially even improving on the previous incarnation.
Kodak management never read "Who Moved My Cheese?" Lots of companies, and people, resist change to their last breath, when learning to flow with change is the true secret to success. Just ask Darwin.
The one that changed my perspective was Who Moved My Cheese?.
Based on your interests, you might like The Billionaire's Vinegar, Devil in the White City, and The Drunkard's Walk. They aren't necessarily life changing, but they are absorbing.
These books are more work related than philosophical, but it changed the way I looked at work and to a certain extent life in general. I think everyone could benefit from reading these.
These books won't teach you how to manipulate or con your way in life, but rather how by changing your own behaviour (in a positive way), you can change that of others (in a positive way).
"Who Moved My Cheese?"
Takes about 20 minutes, and is fantastic book for anyone who needs the motivation to move on from their current dead-end, "but I'm comfortable" job.
http://www.amazon.com/Who-Moved-My-Cheese-Amazing/dp/0399144463
Who moved my cheese?
A bunch of thieving monkeys, that's who.
You should read Who Moved my Cheese
TL;DR: Suggested study for a 1960 USCF player, a near-expert.
| I am a 1960 USCF rated player
| This sudden lack of improvement
| I end up losing for various different reasons
| I don't think I'm improving anymore from books, tactics, DVDs, etc.
IOW, Who Moved My Cheese? (a short and insightful book)
| I'm confused about how I should fix these mistakes in my game.
[Chess teacher to post-beginners.]
Thanks; these are insightful clues
Suggestions:
A) You're a good candidate for the writings of Dan Heisman on thought process in chess, particularly, the concept of hope chess (I hope I can get out of anything my opponent might threaten; I don't want to search) and real chess (I'll look for trouble now: what can my opponent do to me if I pass, i.e., don't move?).
Given that you're already a near-expert, you can skip his Everyone's Second Chess Book. Try these:
A Guide to Chess Improvement (longer explanations of many thought process topics; examples, but few puzzles). Do not be fooled by the fact that these are expansions of his Novice Nook columns. The book is rich with overlooked fundamentals, lessons that will fill the holes in your understanding of chess calculation.
Is Your Move Safe? (about looking at the move you are about to make; rich with puzzles)
Looking for Trouble (about looking at the move your opponent has just made; rich with puzzles).
B) Here are three different sets of books/DVDs that will help you take a comprehensive look at the many facets of your chess. Again, once you've self-tested and diagnosed yourself in multiple facets, you can go to work on your weakest areas.
i) I recommend the Step-by-Step method found at chess-steps.com or stappenmethode.nl (both sites are in English). You can start with a free sample download of the Chess Tutor 3 DVD, the highest Step having such a DVD. If Step 3 is too easy, start at Step 4. If that's too easy, Step 5 or 6 should be just right. Now in English and many other languages, they were written to teach chess to the children of the Netherlands. Make sure you get the latest editions at chess-steps.com, otherwise answer keys won't match problem sets. The recommended order for the books composing a Step: Basic lessons in the Manual, Workbook, Chess Tutor basic lessons, Extra, Plus Lessons in Manual, Plus, Plus lessons in Chess Tutor, Mix. There are some 500 exercises per book(let), about 2,500 - 3,000 per graduated step. The books in a Step are in sync with each other. The lessons are so thorough that they will fill in the holes in anyone's game.
ii) You're strong enough for Artur Yusupov's books, which with their multi-topic, concise format, are ideal for such self-examination. 1700 FIDE is the author's and publisher's (Jacob Aagaard's) suggested lower boundary for starting his four books composing level 1 (orange, The Fundamentals, ELO 1700-1900): Build Up Your Chess 1, Boost Your Chess 1, Chess Evolution 1, which cover about 24 topics each, might help you get the rust out. Revision & Exam 1 comprises more positions in a way that matches the sections of the first three volumes. If you go to the blog section of qualitychess.co.uk, and search on the word Yusupov, you'll find many ideas on how to use the books, especially in the readers' well-moderated comments. Some recommend starting at level 1 and going through all ten books in the series. Even GMs find some of the strategic puzzles a challenge, even at level 1. There's also the (unfortunately defunct) Pawn to Rook 4 blog for more ideas on how to use the books.
Both the publisher, Jacob Aagaard, and the author, Artur Yusupov, no longer recommend the rating ranges mentioned in the introduction to each book. They now recommend
Level 1 (orange covers, fundamentals) FIDE 1700-1900
Level 2 (blue, beyond the basics) FIDE 1900-2100
Level 3 (green, mastery) FIDE 2100-2300
Conclusion: The level 1 books by Yusupov, which are excellent works, are going to be just right.
iii) Igor Khmelnitsky's three Chess Exam books (all for post-beginner to advanced):
Chess Exam and Training Guide
Chess Exam and Training Guide: Tactics
Chess Exam: You vs. Bobby Fischer
To find any of these books at the best price, use a book price aggregator like bookfinder.com or allbookstores.com.
C) Chess coach vs. books/vids: It's a time vs. money decision; if money is no object, go for the coach. Understand that a good coach must be articulate in a way that you can understand/absorb, so sample and shop around. Don't expect a coach to wave a magic wand till all your chess barriers disappear; you must still do the homework. Think of your coach as a guide and diagnostician. Do the uncomfortable and ask your coach to be thoroughly honest about your skill set, in a constructive, solution-oriented (rather than a punishing, negative) way.
Disclaimer: I have no financial or social media influence interest in any of the products/websites mentioned, above. I'm simply a satisfied consumer and a self-educated chess-education consumer.
Please click on my username for previous discussions of adult chess improvement. I've given upvotes for plenty of wisdom from other respondents to the same threads, too.
Yeah, that probably would have been cool of me to include that part.
The first is called Fish!
The second is called Who moved my cheese?
>Certo. Una volta fuori dal liceo probabilmente mi sono fatto il mazzo triplo rispetto ai miei compagni di liceo. Molti di loro si sono accontentati di trovare un lavoro. A questo punto è l'abitudine a fregarti dandoti nel breve termine una sensazione di comfort, nel medio termine mancanza di stimoli e incapacità di smuoverti, nel lungo temine accettazione e disillusione.
>
>Ogni giorno devo imparare qualcosa di nuovo perché il mio lavoro rimane sempre lo stesso ma cambia e si affina sempre. Da vent'anni sempre stimolante perché devo trovare soluzioni affidabili e valide con tecniche e tecnologie nuove che sorpassano ogni anno lo stato dell'arte.
>
>L'importante é imparare ad imparare. Guarda https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn
>
>Imparare ad imparare non e' solo una questione mentale. Leggi https://www.amazon.it/Art-Learning-Journey-Optimal-Performance/dp/0743277465 oppure https://www.amazon.it/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfillment/dp/0452267560/
>
>Specialization is for insects, Heinlein. https://www.elise.com/quotes/heinlein_-_specialization_is_for_insects
>
>Imparare ad imparare ti protegge dalla specializzazione in una nicchia lavorativa insignificante.
I've trained for ten years, and although I plateau most of the time, I still have spurts of rapid development of my game. Knee on belly is something I started using ~6 months ago, and now it's my main attack after passing guard.
If you find that you are not developing anymore (I know that's not what you said) I recommend this book.
here's the book on amazon
I'm new too and I found this two books, although they are not specifically on acting, too be ridiculously useful:
1: http://www.amazon.com/Talent-Overrated-Separates-World-Class-Performers/dp/1591842948
2: http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfillment/dp/0452267560
Very good advice. One thing I would add is that you should try to practice daily, even if you can only get to it for a few moments. Just touch the strings if you can't even do that. There is something incredibly important about daily practice that cannot be ignored.
There is a book called Mastery that precisely describes staying on the plateau - i.e. staying on the path as mastery itself.
I also agree that music, even though everyone loves it in one form or another, is still understated as being amazing to learn in terms of enriching one's life.
Look OP, this situation is awful, and only you can improve it. School sucks, and kids at this age suck so first come to terms with the fact the people picking on you are trying to deal with their own emotional, or physical problems (puberty, problems at home, etc.). Now work on understanding that they see you as someone they can take their discomfort out on, making fun of someone/taking their stuff is easy to do, and everyone knows how to do it. It let's them feel empowered when they feel so powerless elsewhere in their lives.
You've gotta take a few steps, the first of which is working on yourself as an individual, both physically and mentally. Begin by starting to exercise regularly, regardless of your physical condition currently, you need to FEEL physically strong, and this will bleed over into your attitude towards others as confidence and power. You aren't getting strong to beat these pricks up, you're doing it for yourself to know that you have the inner strength and discipline to make it happen. I'd also suggest incorporating yoga into your exercise routine as it will help you with both internal and external balance, as well as your mental well being.
Now we'll move onto the mental side of things. The physical portion is going to help you 'balance' yourself a bit, and it's a good outlet for these emotions, but you need to work on your people skills. Maybe you're an introvert, maybe you're the school jock who is just a nerd, maybe you're a goth kid, whatever. It doesn't really matter what group you fall into, because your interaction with others is all that matters. Your first step should be to read: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671723650 , this book is badass and will help you see things from other people's perspectives, as well as help you understand them, and think before you speak. That shouldn't take more than a week to read through. Once you're done there, then read this: http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfillment/dp/0452267560 , another amazing book about helping YOURSELF.
Ok, so you've been working out, playing your Vita at home (seriously, stop bringing it to school, only for the sake of avoiding permanent damage for the time being), and reading those books right? Your next step is to talk to these little fucks. The principal won't stand up for you, and in the real world, no one is going to stand up for you but yourself, so you might as well get used to it now. It is up to you to approach these individuals, not to harass them, not to bully them yourself, but to simply talk with them.
Ask them why they feel the need to do this, pass on the inner peace and knowledge you've attained so far, and don't make them your enemy, make them your ally in improving as human beings together. Share your books with them, discuss how you apply simple understanding in every day life. Most importantly just listen to them. Maybe their home life sucks, they might be jealous of you and your device because they can't get one, or their parents would destroy it.
You have to be a sounding board OP, not a complainer, not a whiner who goes to others for help, but someone who approaches the situation calmly, coolly, and with a level head that sees it from their perspective. Is it a lot of work? Fuck yes it is, but is it worth it? I can assure it it is, meaningful interactions with people have gotten me further in life than anything else I've done.
And if they don't want to discuss it and improve themselves? Well, you tried, and that's all you can do.
http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfillment/dp/0452267560
Try Schema Therapy - it’s kind of a compromise between skills-based therapy and psychodynamic therapy. I have found it really effective, because it talks about why you have the issues you do and where they came from, and only then uses skills to cope with and help heal the issues. This is a good book to learn a bit about it - just ignore the extremely dated cover and clickbaity title, idk what their publisher was thinking.
I’m glad it was somewhat helpful at least! There is a book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Behaviour/dp/0452272041 that you could always try work through yourself. I have it and really ought to make an effort with it.
Schema therapy helped me a lot, maybe you can check out one of Young's books on it. Like this one or perhaps there are decent websites on it! The one trick that worked best for me is to zoom out of a situation and pretend that a friend was telling me the story, then think of the advice I would give them
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_therapy#cite_note-schemas-2 Please check this out. Essentially, Young posits that we develop early 'maladaptive schemas' in response to negative experiences as a child, frequently linked to primary care-givers. For example, if we were constantly belittled then we might have internalised this abusive/ hostile inner-dialogue as a 'dysfunctional parent', equally we might have misdirected anger formed in response to this anguish, the 'angry child'. These dysfunctional models are based upon schemas that you felt to be true, and built all of this around, e.g. the 'unlovable' schema, if we were isolated or felt abandoned. The dysfunctional adult and child modes therefore actually reinforce schemas.
When I'm being abusive towards myself (I was so used to it I actually feel they are sub-vocal, I have residual feelings that come up in anxiety-prone scenarios) I trace these thoughts to the dysfunctional 'mode' ('vulnerable child'/ 'punitive parent'), and once or twice I have actually seen the root cause in the words of my father. I found understanding these internalised personas gives me much more traction to take these damaging behaviours to task, or to switch up my mood/thoughts entirely.
https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Negative-Thinking-Patterns-Self-Help/dp/1118877713
https://www.amazon.com/Schema-Therapy-Practitioners-Jeffrey-Young/dp/1593853726
https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=reinventing+your+life&qid=1570206468&s=books&sr=1-1
I'm not sure what the library system is like where you are, but maybe look for some books on the subject. There are probably some online as well.
When I was in your shoes, someone recommended the Dr. Laura Book, Bad Childhood, Good Life. It was helpful to me at the time. Until then, I thought she was sort of annoying to watch on TV, to be honest. http://www.amazon.com/Bad-Childhood---Good-Life-Blossom-Childhood/dp/0060577878/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1373927708&amp;sr=1-3&amp;keywords=dr+laura
I have not read this one, but others like it:
Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0452272041/ref=cm_cr_asin_lnk
The best advice a therapist ever gave me: Stop being your own Big Bad Wolf. It's no longer about your parents and what they did. It's about you being too hard on yourself about what you could have done to prevent what happened to you.
I can relate to this.
I’ve taken antidepressants, which didn’t do much expect except take the edge off my anxiety. I eventually became even more depressed, so I started seeing a psychologist. We’re working though schema therapy which honestly, has been the best thing ever. It’s been about two months of weekly sessions and I’m starting to feel better already.
My psychologist recommended a book Reinventing Your Life which I’m working through. It’s confronting, but worth it.
I’ve also started a different type of antidepressant, and about to start a mood stabiliser too.
I confident that the combination will really help me.
This, albeit being a cliche, is quite true in my opinion. I'm a woman myself, and I really do think that most women operate this way. If you men (and women) out there want to learn more about this - I recommend this book - [The Female Brain] (http://www.amazon.com/Female-Brain-Louann-Brizendine/dp/0767920104/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1311958698&amp;sr=8-1) - that actually talks about why women are more emotional, men are more logical - and want to fix everything. There's more to the book than just that, but it does cover this issue and it will hopefully help you understand the differences.
Actually this is just how the female brain works. Not because she is a princess. Obviously some people are different, but this is pretty typical. This is a good read and pretty short. Also I think it's important to consider that she never said there's not the occasional BJ even when she's not in the mood, she was just saying that's what it takes for her to get actually turned on.
Not that I'm saying you should change your mind about the hookers, I'm sure your money is very helpful for them.
Actually the correct idea is that the female brain matures faster then boys at this age. Not that socially they are more mature.
You should read female studies such as The Female Brain, It illustrated that girls that age are EXPONENTIALLY more mature then men except this is often negated by peer pressure and society norms depending on which culture you look at. In the U.K. and the U.S. the girls were shown to be as or less mature as their male counterpart (on average, basically the dumb of dumb really bring it down) especially when it came to dating since commonly they play the field. The biggest case was the pressure to be accepted by their peers is much stronger in girls then boys at that age.
> There are differences in brain structure even at birth.
Are you referring to these books by Louann Brizendine? Because her books theorize the brain structures are different, they do not prove that clinically. However there are plenty of studies which show men and women do act differently, we're just not sure if the physical brain structures are different.
I'd be happy to see studies that do prove brain structures are physically different if you have them.
Sorry brother. It's amazing that she did this, and for so long. Don't worry about the marriage thing - you'll find someone - it'll work out. It will only take a little bit of time. Have you read this book? http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0767920104
Now, what this person did to you is not normal. But I highly recommend reading this book - it will provide you with some insight that may lead to a stronger process of healing. It's a very quick and enlightening read.
Everything will work out man.
Ooh, a threefer.
But in terms of crazy things that happened at work in real life.. I worked for a time as a security guard with a security firm. I tended to be the one who filled in for others when they didn't show up for a shift. So I got moved around a lot. This one time, I got put on the strangest job.. sit in my car all night, alone, unsupervised, in front of a florist's shop, and check the temperature gauge on a refrigeration truck, in the days before mother's day. I had a job that literally only existed because of a bad thermostat.
I worked that job right up til Mother's Day.. and the owner of the shop was so impressed with my 'sitting in the car, drawing, listening to the radio' all night, that he said if I ever needed a job, to call him.
This is kind of the de-facto "starter" book in my experience.
That's not just Wicca, that's Wicca with a collection of random woo. It sounds like she's scared of something and grasping at random straws.
I recommend finding one of those books on Wicca that are just about nature worship, it will contain some random, low cost, rituals they call spells but that's a million times better than trying to buy spells from a scammer.
Here's one here: https://www.amazon.com/Bucklands-Complete-Witchcraft-Llewellyns-Practical/dp/0875420508
I've actually read that one and it emphasizes that a person must do it all themselves (if you do spellcasting for money then it will "turn on you"). The book focuses more on the nature stuff, so you'll have to put up with some incense and plants, maybe a cat or dog, but nothing really major.
If you handle this right and don't try to push her from it too hard, it should be a passing phase that will last a few years. Just try to keep her grounded and see if you can find what's really scaring or bothering her right now.
Go buy this: Bucklands Complete Guide to Witchcraft
I suggest Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft for a more serious, non-fiction look at magick. That's where I started when I was into this stuff, and it was a pretty good introduction.
I understand that Raymond Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft includes exercises at the end of each chapter. Maybe that would help?
The best books on witchcraft I know of are Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft and Cunningham's Wicca guide. Keep in mind, there are different flavors of Wicca, and it actually incorporates a decent amount of ritual.
Alternatively, I can't recommend Christopher Penczak enough, his writing is easy to understand, he knows his stuff, and he doesn't push particular deities or belief systems as superior to others.
Hi.
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1405833153&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good
http://www.amazon.com/When-Panic-Attacks-Drug-Free-Anxiety/dp/076792083X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1405833170&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=when+panic+attacks
http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1405833193&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=self+esteem
The first two are written by expert psychiatrist Dr. David Burns.
Try this book: Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. This book will dodge the cliche solutions like that and offer an approach that delivers self-appreciation without any silly "positive traits". To say things simplistically, love yourself as you are.
https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1499779538&amp;sr=1-2&amp;keywords=self-esteem+mckay
This might heal your self-hatred, because it professionally deal with that. Since depression "goes hand in hand", the book might lift you from it.
Two books I read.
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How to fix a broken heart : written by guy winch
Self esteem 3rd edition: Matthew m Kay & Pattrick Fanney -Link ( After reading this book, I learnt to deal with self critic and managing myself. I spoke for myself. Learnt to setup boundaries, started believing myself)
I found this book useful:
Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning
Most of the advice given here is bad.
Just admitting your misdoings or changing lifestyle will not solve your problems. You gonna kick the dope, get in shape, get social, begin to progress in your career or academia, but you will still feel worthless. It will aid for sure, but it doesn't get to the core.
From your choice of words it's obvious that you suffer from low self-esteem, and it's a very deep and tricky issue to address. Negative conceptions about yourself may seem well-reasoned and unbiased, but they are very far from that and are a product of maladaptive thinking.
My advice for you is to seriously look into psychology. This book (it's also available for free on Library Genesis, the best way to get it IMHO) is very damn enlightening and I can't recommend it enough. You may also look into this one (a free audiobook on YouTube). I haven't tried actually seeing a shrink, but if you got the funds, I'm sure it may help too.
I'd start with this: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1425566676&amp;sr=8-8&amp;keywords=cognitive+behavioral+therapy
This book has helped me: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1425600794&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=self+esteem but it may or may not be of use to you.
Once you know how your mind works, it's easier to work around it. It doesn't matter if you had abuse or not, what's important is now and how you can fix it.
As others have said, meditate in order to be able to adapt to whatever your mind throws at you, then you can try psychedelics.
He actually let me borrow this and told me to read Chapters 2 and 3 (titled The Pathological Critic, and Disarming the Critic respectively). Even though those two chapters only comprise of 30 pages, they really hit hard at the core problems related to raising your self-esteem and you definitely get your moneys worth after reading. I'll try to summarize what I learned, but if I were you I'd definitely look into picking up a copy.
The pathological critic is the negative inner voice that attacks you and even though everyone has a critical inner voice an individual with low self-esteem as a more vicious and vocal pathological critic. The first thing you need to do to disarm the critic is being able to identify when he's influencing you. You might realize that he only comes in certain situations or perhaps he's with you all the time. Once you're able to catch him you can get to work, so to speak.
Once you do that, you need to start unmasking his purpose. When you unmask him, you start to expose his true purpose and functions. Some ways to unmask him:
self-talk
This one is going to sound a little strange, but it's helped me. The Howitzer Mantras are designed to help you talk back to him. Examples include:
Another way of disarming him is to determine the cost of the critic. Where in your life has he hindered you? Did you lose friendships because of him? Does he make you feel anxious and nervous around people? Are you afraid to try new things because of him? Do you lose commission money because he makes you less assertive in front of clients?
This one is tricky but it's important to be able to affirm your worth. Understand that you are a living breathing human being with an ability to perceive and experience. That is in and of itself very beautiful. The value of your life is that you exist; a complex miracle of creation. You were born into a unique set of problems, but yet you endured. You don't deserve to be pushed around.
I got most of this info straight from the book I linked above. To be honest this type of stuff really does help me out. I find that when I repeat those statements in my mind, it makes me feel like I have more power in my life, and that there's more to look forward to. It's really liberating actually.
https://www.google.com/search?q=borderline+parent&amp;ie=utf-8&amp;oe=utf-8#q=borderline+parent&amp;start=0
https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287
If you relate to BPD, chances are your parents have the symptoms too. Try this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287
I suggest:
http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X/ref=pd_sim_b_shvl_title_1/104-2767515-3307100
http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-2767515-3307100?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1191868828&amp;sr=1-1
Let me say right up front that this is colored through the lens of my own experience, so I am not necessarily unbiased here. :) OK, that out of the way, from the little we know, she sounds as though she flip flops on you. One moment she's OK and the next, pushing you away. She's tried therapy and treatment for depression which has been ineffective. She gets angry with you for no apparent reason, but refuses to tell you why. She acts like things are OK in front of others, yet when alone, she's a different person.
Man, if I weren't sure it's not, I'd say you were married my ex-wife. (I know she's not because the ages are wrong. That said, I went though exactly what you're describing for two decades. Why so long, you may ask? Well, she'd be great for a long time. Her grandmother lived with us for many years, which in retrospect made her behave more carefully.
All that aside, let me give you the end result. She was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I won't get into exactly what all that means, but I urge you to look into it. According to my own therapist, as well as the one we both went to fora while against her "better judgement", BPD is underdiagnosed and is commonly misdiagnosed as depression because the symptoms in common are all that tend to get reported.
One thing that makes it extremely difficult to treat, let alone live with, is their brain apparently literally makes memories up to suit, even moreso than normal. They will adamantly argue that you did X, despite X never having been done. They're also most often perceived by those not close to them as very normal and even likable. There are a number of theories on why that is, but it's very common.
I read a book on it a while ago, aimed more at children of BPD parents, but my therapist thought it was useful. I found it immensely so. I'll ask her for the name of it and edit in a link later.
Edit: Holy crap, she got back to my text fast! Must have caught her at a good time. Anyhow, the book is called Surviving a Borderline Parent. I found it quite helpful, personally.
Good luck, man. Feel free to PM me if you want.
Try this https://www.amazon.com/dp/1603421386/ref=cm_sw_r_em_tai_c_qVhsDb92CXXHA
http://www.amazon.com/Back-Basics-Complete-Traditional-Edition/dp/1602392331/
&
http://www.amazon.com/Backyard-Homestead-Produce-food-quarter/dp/1603421386
If you flip through the "look inside" feature on amazon for this book you will find some layouts based on the size of the lot. There are diagrams for 1/10 acre, 1/4 acre, etc.
It turns out this is a thing. Google 'mini farm'.
I think this is the book my wife has. Or it is very similar. It claims to be able to sustain off just 1/4 acre! I just cannot imagine.
I think part of the problem is that my property is mostly woods. I'd have to do an immense amount of cutting to get enough sun in for planting. As such, I probably feel I need more land than I do.
Congrats on the move!
I recommend this book to help get you started. It gives you a lot of ideas that you can fine tune to get you going...
This is an amazing book for learning what can fit where. Remember that it is more for advanced gardeners so start small. Use it as a guide on long term plans.
This is a great guide to low-cost or free soil creation/amendment It also has a great guide to growing almost every veggie/herb. It works amazingly as a substitution for the very expensive recommended soil in This great guide to planting closer together to avoid weeds
Some ideas for reducing water usage:
Sub-Irrigation (there are a great many ways to do this, this is just one)
Hugelkultur Looks like shit but creates an amazing wood "sponge" under your gardens. After 2 years you pretty much don't need to water again (if done correctly). You also get a constant stream of nutrients from the wood breaking down. It is possible to "contain" hugelkultur beds to create more of a "I mean to do this!" order so people don't think you are just piling shit up everywhere.
Excellent cover-all type book, IMO: The Backyard Homestead.
Wife uses it, has good intro points on a lot of topics.
Be resourceful; pigs are garbage eaters, have variety in your veggies to spread out the burden of harvest season, and be prepared to give it some time. Like most quality en devours, it takes time.
But you can change your homestead around your land - depends on your willingness to work with what you've got. Not everyone needs hundreds of acres.
When we were first getting started (before we left the suburbs), we really enjoyed this book:
https://smile.amazon.com/Backyard-Homestead-Produce-food-quarter/dp/1603421386/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1525797710&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=backyard+homestead
It's breadth is "a mile wide and an inch deep" but it helped to scratch the surface and help us find what we wanted to do and research more versus what we weren't interested in trying right away. It's a pretty easy read and just touches on many topics providing just enough information to get you started doing a project, basic troubleshooting with that item, and then moves on to a new topic.
I feel your pain. Mine was 22 years. I try to focus on now and the future, I can't change the past. However, I can change myself, my attitude and the reasons I thought it was OK to stay in that relationship with someone who did not appreciate me nor respect me. Here are some books that have helped me with the feelings of waste and the same exact question:
[When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times] (https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1484668584&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=pema+chodron)
The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times
[The Power of Now] (https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1484668804&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=The+power+of+now)
&nbsp;
This process is not easy, there is a whole gamut of emotions, it is a wild, rollercoaster ride. I have gone though the blaming myself, the shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger, bargaining and depression. I still feel them from time to time. However, on the long run it is a choice. I am choosing to change what I can and to be happy. It is not always easy and Im tired of the anger. I will no longer allow my STBX to live rent free in my head or usurp my feelings.
Take care of yourself, go for walks; eat, eat well; be conscious, don't do anything stupid. Work with a therapist, reconnect with your friends or make new ones. Use this sub-reddit, there are many here with good advice, I know it saved me from doing stupid stuff more than once. You will make it through, how is your choice.
Yeah, if you don’t mind me asking, and I love the Dalai Lama. I started reading Pema Chödrön, here is a link to a book that has helped and changed me and my friends lives. https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438/ref=nodl_
Op here are the few books that started me off. I highly recommend you read them before you do anything else.
For opening you to the idea and practice of expanding your empathy and compassion, you have the Dalai Lama
https://www.amazon.com/How-Expand-Love-Widening-Relationships/dp/0743269691
For a super informative yet very elegant break down of buddhist teachings, you have this book by Thich Nhat Hanh
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0767903692/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498099873&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp;keywords=thich+nhat+hanh+the+heart+of+buddhist&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51a4DGivamL&amp;ref=plSrch
And for the difficult and sad times in life, you have this book by Pema Chodron.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1611803438/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=RM1993TKS6SFXMCEJYSV
Highly recommend op. You can usually get used copys online for only a couple bucks.
My therapist recommended I read this book and it’s been really helpful for me: When things fall apart
Rock on. Pull up an audiobook for a gal named lena chodron. Book is called when things fall apart. Shes a buddhist monk... all woo woo Buddhist eastern philosophy aside... wonderful listen or read when things are unbelievably challenging
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times https://www.amazon.com/dp/1611803438/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_6ZB2DbYZ9X8KS
Amazon - Soft Skills: The software developer's life manual
Publisher - Overview of chapters & free chapter downloads
Give it a look, especially section three about learning. The book goes over a lot of things that can possibly help you out. If you end up wanting to buy it, you can sign up for an audible account and get the audio version for free.
Besides the Soft Skills book I also like the Soft Skills Engineering podcast
I would highly recommend this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Soft-Skills-software-developers-manual/dp/1617292397
I would also look into joining a local Toastmaster's club.
If you do those 2 things you'll definitely develop some great soft skills.
The Slight Edge will change your whole outlook on accomplishing your goals, from the most important to the most mundane.
Its never a waste of time if it is what you enjoy doing.
One of my favotite books that got me started a few years ago was The Slight Edge: https://www.amazon.com/Slight-Edge-Turning-Disciplines-Happiness/dp/1626340463
Its a really easy read and It is pretty cheap now. I think it could really help you.
Here are some of the online sources that have helped me. You probably know some of them already.
https://www.schoolism.com/
https://www.proko.com/
https://www.nma.art/
Actually Noah Bradley wrote about the $10 Ultimate Art Education here with more resources linked :
https://noahbradley.com/blogs/blog/dont-go-to-art-school
https://www.wattsatelier.com/online/ is my favorite and Jeff Watts has an awesome video about this here: https://youtu.be/KX0MrnzBJ8M
Thanks for being cool. And good luck!
This book is for you: http://www.amazon.com/Slight-Edge-Turning-Disciplines-Happiness/dp/1626340463/
It teaches a method that will enable you to get out of your situation with 100% guarantee if you follow it (yes, guarantee - literally). It's nothing magical, but in fact simple and easy to do. The only catch is that you need to do it, you need to read it and apply it. I did it (but honestly, forgot about it once I reached my goal - I need to read it again!). This is one of the books that can really change your life. Good luck!
Congratulate yourself,
I am serious. I know that sounds goofy, but you've done it! You've already quit. You thought it through and you've had the willpower to come here and talk to us. I am sure we could think of a million ways in which you could already have a new gaming computer.
The cycle is bad, harsh, and it can be extremely depressing to think about the past. I can deeply sympathize with that feeling, sometimes I still feel it. But, you are starting a new book now. Focus on the present. I am going to paraphrase (badly) the stoics here:
>There are only two things you can control: your thoughts, and your actions.
&#x200B;
You've already started acting in a way that will make you feel better and be better in the long term. Two recommended readings are:
Scheduling your days is step 4 in this intro. It is critical to start. You need to fill up your days with new things. A daily schedule can keep you on the right path.
The others are right, start a budget now and earmark all money to be spent or saved for other more important things. r/personalfinance has a wiki in the sidebar, great place to start.
Gamequitters has a hobby tool, to help you find new hobbies. https://gamequitters.com/hobby-tool/
If you need a computer to be part of society, ensure the next computer you get is not gaming capable, if you can.
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The title pretty describes what this expands on.
The compounding affect of daily small actions.
Great read and facts/research inside.
http://www.amazon.com/Slight-Edge-Turning-Disciplines-Happiness/dp/1626340463/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1425313787&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+slight+edge
I suggest reading The Slight Edge.
This book addresses the exact issue you are describing.
For a shorter (and cheaper) version, you can also take a look at this
animated book review.
Good to Great by Jim Collins and the One Thing by Gary Keller
the 10X Rule by Grant Cardone (https://www.amazon.com/10X-Rule-Difference-Between-Success/dp/B005DGW34C) is almost exactly what I am saying in this conversation.
The One Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan (https://www.amazon.com/ONE-Thing-Surprisingly-Extraordinary-Results/dp/1885167776) is a good one for how to achieve massive results, I feel like it also mentions why you should always set larger goals than you THINK you can accomplish.
The Miracle Morning by Hal Erod (https://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed-Transform/dp/0979019710) is a decent one that touches on the concept but is more about motivation and structuring your day for success and things like that.
If I think of any others and remember, I'll come drop them here, need to go look at my bookshelf / todo list of books when I get home :)
Tons of books (honestly almost every success or wealth book I've ever read) talk about changing your mindset from "I cant" to "How can I" - Rich Dad Poor Dad and Think and Grow Rich come to mind.
Yes, I used this for a long time with the Streaks app. I wrote a little about my experience here.
Gonna start it back up with a yearly wall calendar like this one.
Also, the book The One Thing dovetails nicely with this method.
Two books that I heard about from Pat Flynns blog may help:
http://www.amazon.com/The-ONE-Thing-Surprisingly-Extraordinary/dp/1885167776
and
http://www.amazon.com/Essentialism-The-Disciplined-Pursuit-Less/dp/0804137382
Read this book.
Osprey Flapjack Courier Daypack
Surface Pro (work laptop)
Altoids
Air pods
Burt's Bee's chapstick
Ray Ban Marshal's
Blue Blocker glasses
G2 Pilot Pens
Planner
Whatever book I'm currently reading
Hydroflask
Ridge wallet
Kershaw knife
Work phone and personal
Two things.
First - you're vices are too easy for you to access; you need to change that. You can block websites using host files (google it) to make them harder to access. For example, I can only access Facebook and Reddit from my phone.
Second - you need to read up on how to be productive. If there is one thing in the whole world I could recommend you - it would be this book. I read tons of motivational and discipline non-fiction, and that is by far the best one. If you can't work, try to read things that can motivate you. I would explain more, but everything you need to know is in that book. Good luck
The one thing https://www.amazon.com/ONE-Thing-Surprisingly-Extraordinary-Results/dp/1885167776/ref=nodl_
Continuation of Keller's work.
Don't know if it's on audible but the last book that inspired me is this one http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1885167776/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=1885167776&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=fba457-20&amp;linkId=AFSFTP4WYCQDLCFZ
Its basically a book about Zen and similar philosophies. There are however some funny scenes in it like that one, because one of the principles is that a warrior should fully embrace not only death but life, which includes finding joy in the smallest things. The idea is that a "peaceful warrior" is one who lives life to the fullest with integrity and honor. Similar to /r/stoicism in a way actually.
The first book (linked below) was far better than the second IMO but they are both good.
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205
Path of the Peaceful Warrior is a good one.http://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205
another great book would be this one. i know many different people who read it, and all of them took something good away with them! maybe you have the means to check it out. it's more of a taoist angle iirc.
I think this is why i asked in the beginning what you're expecting. Especially if you're comparing yourself to others, you may be expecting more than is reality. Just because people say they have a relationship, doesn't mean it's anything more than their own feelings or imagination playing tricks on them. So, don't rely too heavily on 'mountaintop moments' or the right 'feeling' to come along.
Do you like to read? If so, I know an awesome book that goes through a man's experience as he begins to unlearn all he'd learned about what life is truly 'all about'. It's sharing a Taoist, or Buddhist thought of seeing the trip, the present moment, as what's important rather than the destination. A relationship with God looks much the same. If you focus on the feelings or the enlightened moments, you'll miss the whole experience of going through life with Him!
The book is called "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman It's kind of an autobiography of sorts.
If that doesn't tickle your fancy, another book that helped me quite a bit with my relationship with God was a rather popular one: "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho
I recommend two:
The Power of Self-Coaching is a very practical guide for improving your self-esteem and confidence. Some of the best times of my life are the handful of months directly following a re-reading of this book. Very good.
Way of the Peaceful Warrior is a more "spiritual" approach to life, although I don't really like using that term because I don't really even know what that means anymore. But this book is certainly a life changer. It is also a great place to start if you are looking to begin a more balanced, peaceful, and mindful existence.
Reminds me of the book "Way of the peaceful warrior" in which the protagonist also has a motorcycle accident. Relevant quote: "There are no accidents, everything has a purpose."
Peaceful Warrior is a book about a college student who meets a master and learns the philosophical side of Kung Fu.
I have not yet read Scholar Warrior yet but its a book about applying Kung Fu to everyday life.
Here is good book on Chinese acupuncture, which is a very useful skill that can be used to either hurt or heal another person
Dan Millman. Here's the book link.
So glad you found this helpful. I would say that the book mentioned above is better suited for very advanced meditators. I found it very interesting but am not yet in the position to take advantage of the maps it provides, although it explains the difference between concentration and insight very well. It has maps of each path and how they interplay.
There are a few books that I have found quite helpful. I tend to divide them into 2 categories, motivation and instruction.
I read the motivation books first. These books, along with my LSD experiences, really helped motivate me to establish a daily meditation practice. I read quite a few but these are my top 2 by a good margin.
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle : This was the first book I read and really set me off on this path. It is somewhat surface level but to a former athiest it was enough to make me realize that there is something real there. It is explained in a way that anyone can appreciate and won't scare anyone off.
Be Here Now by Ram Dass : This completely blew me away. If I had read this first without any psychedelic experience, I might have dismissed it as the ravings of a mad man. This really opened me up to possibilities that I never would have considered as a life long atheist. After I read this, I had to let go of my atheism.
You may have had enough experiences that you don't need any more motivation (I would still read Be Here Now for fun because it is a trip in and of itself). As far as instruction, the best book hands down that I have found is "The Mind Illuminated: A Complete Meditation Guide Integrating Buddhist Wisdom and Brain Science" by Culadasa. It takes you through the process step by step, shows you the theory behind what you are doing and what you need to work on at each stage. It is a balanced approach between concentration and insight. I believe this is the best approach for most people. Straight insight as advocated by the noting method in "Mastering the Core Teachings" seems to be the fastest path to enlightenment but one is more likely to get stuck in a long "dark night of the soul" period without sufficient concentration power.
Some other very good books:
Tao Te Ching
The Science of Enlightenment by Shinzen Young
The Way of Zen by Alan Watts
The Perennial Philosophy by Aldous Huxley
> Lastly, on a side note, I had always thought that the final attachment is to ourselves, and that is what keeps us alive. In a rudimentary way, keeping us from killing ourselves, or letting ourselves die passively from lack of taking care of ourselves. Maybe perception is the second attachment? Just a thought and wondering if anyone else had ever considered this.
As you progress along this path, you begin to understand that the "self" is not a "thing". It is an "activity" that we do, and you can learn to stop doing it. A common misperception is that we would want to kill ourselves without this. The reason for this misperception is that people equate "attachment" with care or love. One of the results of the process is that you realize that you can be unattached to something but still care for it. So we may become unattached to the idea of the self as a separate thing, but that doesn't mean that we wouldn't care for ourselves.
During the "dark night period" people often get this feeling that nothing has meaning, because they have picked everything apart with insight until they are left with nothing. Every sensation has been stripped of its conceptual meaning until it is just a blur of moments of perception. But beyond this feeling of "nothing has meaning", one gets to the point where they realize that "everything has meaning" and this shift in perception marks the exit of the dark night. I believe that the ultimate paradox that you can understand once you are enlightened is that determinism and free will are both true and are not mutually exclusive. That is just my own personal theory but my intuition is that this is the crux of it.
I know I am not explaining this well, it's very difficult to explain in objective logic. You can probably get a better idea by reading "The Way of Zen". There are a lot of paradoxes involved that can only be truly understood from an enlightened viewpoint but the way he explains it you can kind of see what they are talking about. Because certain truths cannot be explained in objective logic, they sort of "point a finger at it" but the student has to look at where they are pointing instead of at the finger itself. In the end one has to let go of trying to understand it with the thinking mind and just practice.
“Religion should unite all hearts and cause wars and disputes to vanish from the face of the earth; it should give birth to spirituality, and bring light and life to every soul. If religion becomes a cause of dislike, hatred and division, it would be better to be without it... Any religion which is not a cause of love and unity is no religion.” ― Abdu'l-Bahá
>However I extremely disagree with organized religion, sacred text etc because I feel that it's bad for us as a society.
I think organized religion has the potential to do the most good - as long as it's organized around the correct principles. But if you dislike organized religion then perhaps you should look at Buddhism. I always found Buddhism to be very accessible, philosophical, logical, and deeply profound. You might enjoy reading the book The Power of Now - I think the author does a good job of talking about spirituality and the concept of God in a way that most people (agnostics and atheists included) would probably accept. It's really a great book!
Hey OP, have you tried minfulness? It seems that you identify yourself with what you are doing and representing. Give it a try, it changed my life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykmwCyHlDXM
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment-ebook/dp/B002361MLA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1512001756&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=eckhart+now
This absolutely.
I should recommend:
*https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B002361MLA/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1 The Power of Now
Sorry to hear you're struggling. I have found a lot of helpful direction in books such as The Power of Now and A New Earth. These two books are written by Eckhart Tolle, but follow many of the precepts of Buddhism. The goal in these books and similar is to show that thinking (and over thinking) are objects of consciousness, just like any object you perceive outside yourself. You can escape these thoughts, quieting them and appreciating the present moment (the only time that truly exists). Past relationships, friends leaving, current relationships, trust, abandonment etc. are vividly acute but are only products of thought and don't exist in the present moment.... I find these ideas comforting as they allow me a pathway to break from the endless and incessant clutter of thinking, thinking, thinking....
Here are the guided meditations that have helped me most:
https://www.amazon.com/Meditating-Body-Buddhist-Meditations-Enlightenment/dp/1591790387
And this is a book that, while not explicitly about meditation, is very much about changing your mindset in the same way that meditation does and has been very helpful in day to day life for me:
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment-ebook/dp/B002361MLA/
It seems you have much to learn about spirituality. But don't take my word for it. Others have written a lot of good things on this topic. No soul or anything that survives death is necessary.
Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion by Sam Harris.
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle.
But even if we could agree on something called a soul, why would a drug that affects the brain have anything to do with it? Or do you mean that your brain is your soul?
The closer you are to awakening, the more fierce your ego will resist. This is the personal battle that only you can make and have. You have to chose, do you want to listen to the voice in your head, or do you want to just BE and subsequently, wake up. That is THE choice to make, are you in the HERE and NOW or are you off in your head?
Are you day dreaming about how good something felt from the past? Are you day dreaming about how good something could be in the future? Then you're not in the NOW. You're not present. You're still thinking you're the voice in what you think is your head. You're not. You exist whether or not that voice does.
Perhaps you are ready for Eckheart Tolle:
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Spiritual-Enlightenment-ebook/dp/B002361MLA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1381177276&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+power+of+now
You are after all, reading this. That alone has to mean something right? You decide, after all, maybe "you" are all that really exists at all...
A great book that really helped me understand why I was nitpicking at everything was 10% happier. After I understood that a quieter mind is a happier mind I started to quiet the mind when I went to sleep by focusing on my breath. No special positions, no chanting, no candles. Just focus on the breath. It helped me get faster to sleep and significantly improved my quality of live because of that (I used to turnover for half a night and be miserable at work the day after). Also I'd recommend The power of now by Eckart Tolle. It says it's a guide to spiritual enlightenment, but what I took from it was that you have to live for today, not tomorrow. Always planning ahead is quite exhausting. And it really opened my eyes about perspective.
This is the book I chose. I'm trying to be more spiritual and mindful, more present in my life, less anxious and more aware. I'm reading a few books right now about all of this, but this one really caught my eye.
Best book on meditation I've come across is Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana.
It's the perfect place to start and to deepen your practice.
Hope this helps, has definitely changed my life.
Urban Dharma offers the book in its entirety online here: http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html
But you can find the paperback version here: http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B003XF1LKW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1406688154&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=mindfulness+in+plain+english
This book is SUPER practical, for example take a look at the chapter names:
Chapter 1 ...(Meditation: Why Should I Bother?)
Chapter 2 ...(What Meditation Isn't)
Chapter 3 ...(What Meditation Is)
Chapter 4 ...(Attitude)
Chapters 5 ...(The Practice)
Chapter 6 ...(What To Do With Your Body), General Rules, Clothing, Traditional Postures
Chapter 7 ...(What To Do With Your Mind)
Chapter 8 ...(Structuring Your Meditation), Where To Sit, When To Sit, How Long To Sit
Chapter 9 ...(Set up Exercises), The Threefold Guidance, Universal Loving-Kindness
Chapter 10 ...(Dealing With Problems)
Chapter 11 ...(Dealing With Distractions, I)
Chapter 12 ...(Dealing with Distractions, II)
Chapter 13 ...(Mindfulness - Sati)
Chapter 14 ...(Mindfulness Versus Concentration)
Chapter 15 ...(Meditation in Everyday Life)
Chapter 16 ...(What's in It for You)
There's a book called Mindfulness in Plain English that's pretty religion-neutral iirc (been a couple years since I lost my copy), but it's still a pretty great introduction to the concept.
I'd be careful with Zen stuff, since it's a pretty rough process that doesn't translate/adapt well into Western cultural norms. I need to do a deeper dive into it since I adore its elevator pitch, though.
Check out /r/Meditation. They have a large list of recommended books on mindfulness/meditation in the sidebar.
One book I constantly see being recommended is Mindfulness in Plain English.
Another option is The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh.
Both are good for beginners for getting started with mindfulness and how to apply it to your life.
You may want to consider some (in)formal instruction to help you maximize your practice for those sessions.
When I first started, I started with 15 minutes (20 is also not outside the realm of reason) and then added 5 minutes each successive week until I hit about 35 minutes per session; that's my personal limit for right now. During these sessions, I'm normally trying some kind of technique (labeling, checking in, noting, etc) to maintain focus on the meditation object (in my case the breath). By the end of these sessions, I wouldn't say that I am exhausted, but I have definitely spent effort to train my mind and I do notice it afterward.
While I personally use the book The Mind Illuminated as my means of instruction, you could also look into others like Mindfulness in Plain English or even an introductory program to help guide you along.
Mindfulness meditation (sometimes just called 'mindfulness.') By requiring you to sit straight up but not flex any muscles to hold you there, meditation forces you to be aware of your body and form good back/neck posture. If you do it often enough ("establish a meditative practice"), it starts to change the way you sit normally in everyday life. It's not the hippy-dippy bullshit you might think it is - there's no religious buddhism stuff unless you want it, the actual meditating is about viewing your feelings objectively. Mindfulness is also super useful for anxiety (why I got into it), and according to my therapist, clinically proven to effect positive changes on your mental health.
The way I started was with the book "Mindfulness in Plain English". http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B003XF1LKW/. It's a simple read, and you don't need any special equipment to start and try it: just a floor, some loose clothes, and a pillow or two from your bed to support your butt.
You can meditate anywhere. I can and have meditated on public transit. Takes some practice of course, but one of the points of mindfulness is to acknowledge distractions and then let them go, and you get better and better at it as you progress.
I highly recommend Mindfulness in Plain English. Not only does it go into the philosophical reasons and ways of meditation, but also the practical aspects of how to go about it. Quick and fantastic read if you want to get into meditation.
Its the theory of purposeful practice in motion. You can't just get better at a skill by playing the game. You have to break it down into steps and work at them individually. A lot of pro-sports players say they actually cut back on weight lifting or do a very limited form of it to attain the type of body they want while reducing the possibility of injury. In their world squatting 3x body weight or any big 3 lift doesn't matter if you don't have strong ball handling, endurance for consistent minutes played, and ability to bring home titles.
If anyone wants to read a book, Peak by Anders Ericsson, is a great book outlining the principle of purposeful training. People misconstrue it to be "Dedicate 10,000 hours to anything and you'll be great at that skill". But there is a huge difference between playing pick-up games for 10,000 hours versus using those 10,000 hours to work on the different facets of the game and learning how to properly incorporate them.
If any of you guys are interested in a good read on this topic (my opinion), there's a book called "Peak" by Anders Ericson that highlights the importance of the work of "deliberate practice".
I enjoyed the read and I think you may as well!
Read Peak for the science behind practice and developing expertise
Plateauing is a thing. It comes from reaching the peak available with your current training environment and personal approach. You can break through without changing anything, but typically you need to change something unless you are patient (as in, like pyramids and sequoias).
Changing things is really called for, and if you're not going to change your gym that means change yourself. Consider breaking your training model--don't permit yourself to use your game, video your performance, start working with flashcards, ask your partners to do only positional sparring (my favorite), roll at 80% speed with white belts...do something different. These are just random suggestions; my last breakthrough came after a lot of time off (surgery) and a lot of thinking about my approach.
For a book on performance, consider Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Anders Ericsson. It's very readable and entertaining, and might give you perspective on how to approach your own training. Good luck.
Edit Formatting.
From Peak, by K. Anders Ericsson.
https://www.amazon.com/Peak-Secrets-New-Science-Expertise-ebook/dp/B011H56MKS
It also states that expert Go players, a game even more difficult than chess, have slightly lower than average IQ.
I recommend learning about the development of expertise in general. The expert on this topic is Anders Ericcson. His book Peak lays out his research for a general audience. It describes how people in various disciplines, such as music, dance, and chess, train to become experts. His research is the basis for the oft-misquoted “10000 hour rule.”
One key is deliberate practice. In the case of writing, this might look like writing 5 plot outlines, 5 descriptions of people/places/things, and 5 scenes of dialogue each day. You can tailor it to what you you think you need to work on most.
Another key is measuring progress toward a specific goal. For example, writing X hundred or thousand words per day is a start, but that should be paired with a way to measure how much better each day’s writing is than the day before. One way to measure might be posting your writing on Reddit and counting how many comments/upvotes it gets, or sending your writing to publishers and seeing how many acceptances you receive. It is hard to measure improvement in writing, but that is key.
Can’t recommend Peak more - it’s shows that getting better isn’t just about time at the keyboard. I’d love to hear how you think it can be applied to writing.
Here's Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh's answer to your question (5th question in link).
He has written two books on this topic called "Living Buddha, Living Christ" and "Going Home: Jesus and Buddha as Brothers".
He sometimes mentions Christianity in his dharma talks, some of those are available here.
I also found Eckhart Tolle's book ["The Power of Now"] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Now-Spiritual-Enlightenment-ebook/dp/B002361MLA) helpful which is about the common "essence of all religions" and is strongly influenced by Buddhism.
Your actions, thoughts, and attitude is up to you. Need help figuring out your mind? Read the Power of Now
[The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
by Eckhart Tolle]
(https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002361MLA/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1)
I will edit my post to clarify some things you are presuming.
>anti-Mullerian hormones have anything to do with this sort of gender based behaviour, at all.
I'll have to address this in a separate post in the future. It's very hard to argue because this is fairly mundane in neurobiology. "Everybody knows" that spicy foods cause ulcers, except that they don't, it's helicobacter pylorii. "Everybody knows" that sugar makes kids hyperactive, except that it doesn't. "Everybody knows" that gender is a social fiction and there are absolutely zero differences between boys and girls, except that there are. Not a lot of people are interested in science reading and don't really want to hear about it example 1, example 2
The Female Brain
Unfortunately it's hard to tell ahead of time what medical professionals will be like. If you are up for the challenge, you can always try online or printed self-guided resources.
I had a Registered Counsellor get me to buy this book and then proceed to answer every one of my subsequent questions with "well it says in the book..." "and what does it say in the book?" and the like. Terrible waste of employer EAP assistance, though I didn't know it at the time.
My experience with family doctors has been that they don't really know the nuances of psychiatric medicine, but I have very little trust in family doctors due to how the system works where I am.
The knowledge that you are in control of yourself is empowering itself, just like the opposite is true.
The Three Pillars of Zen: Teaching, Practice, and Enlightenment
by Philip Kapleau Roshi
I'm not sure if you're serious. There are mountains of empirical research on this topic.
The socialization you mention is driven and created by evolutionary pressures. It didn't just fall out of the sky.
Some links:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Red-Queen-Evolution-Nature/dp/0060556579
http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489/ref=pd_sim_b_1?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=138JXMT1KRY7KYV4PK8C
http://www.amazon.com/The-Evolution-Of-Desire-Revised/dp/046500802X/ref=pd_sim_b_4?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=138JXMT1KRY7KYV4PK8C
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mating-Mind-Sexual-Evolution/dp/038549517X/ref=pd_sim_b_5?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=138JXMT1KRY7KYV4PK8C
Geoffrey Miller and other evolutionary psychologists have hypothesized that our intellect has come more from sexual selection than natural selection. A simplified version of their idea is that some of our more abstract abilities, such as the ability to produce music and other forms of art, evolved for the purpose of impressing other possible mates. He wrote a book called "The Mating Mind" that covers this subject in a lot of detail.
His Wikipedia page ) has this explanation:
"Miller believes that our minds evolved not as survival machines, but as courtship machines, and proposes that the human mind's most impressive abilities are courtship tools that evolved to attract and entertain sexual partners. By switching from a survival-centred to a courtship-centred view of evolution, he attempts to show how we can understand the mysteries of mind. The main competing theories of human mental evolution are (1) selection for generalist foraging ability (i.e., hunting and gathering), as embodied in the work of researchers such as Hillard Kaplan and Kim Hill at the University of New Mexico, and (2) selection for social intelligence, as argued by Andrew Whiten, Robin Dunbar, and Simon Baron-Cohen."
Hey, I’m not sure if you're a guy/girl, I just wanted to tell you that I understand. I have experienced what you’re going though, and I continue to experience some of those elements even today. A combination of age + unemployment + social isolation can cause havoc in a person’s psyche, and his/her general outlook on life.
Just 2 things I initially did when I was in a similar situation:
Exercise: Join a gym. If you can’t afford one, run. And when you do, try to go a little beyond that point where your body says no. Just a little. You’re in control; you’re in charge. Push. You were built for it.
Read: I can’t stress the importance of this. Read everything you can. It will keep you engaged, make you more articulate, you’ll have something to start a conversation about, and it’ll broaden your knowledge. All this apart from the gazillion other benefits reading brings. I will give you a list of 3 books to read, and read them in this order. Make it a point not to rush through them. Absorb every word, because the way you look at things will change after you’re done. To remind you again, read slowly. Have an open mind. Fully absorb every little detail.
1.The Power of Now http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Now-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1377020642&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=power+of+now
If you decide to go through with the above, read below first:
The most important way thorough this period in your life: baby steps. ULTRA SMALL STEPS. When I started running, I couldn’t even do 200m without feeling like I was going to pass out. Today, I can run 5km within 30 minutes. I set small targets for myself; extended my run by 50 meters, or bettered my timing by 10 seconds every session. And without even realising it, I’m at a point where I can comfortably run very long distances. I approached reading the same way. I started off with 2 pages a day, and then I made it 5 pages; then 10. Before I knew it, I was going through a lot of books.
Let me know how it goes. I believe that change comes about from within, only when you really, truly, deeply want it. If nothing changes, it means that something about your circumstances is ‘comfortable’, and you didn’t fully want a change in the first place. Ask yourself how badly you want to get out of the situation that you’re currently in. After some honest self-reflection, come back to this. Trying to make a turn for the better in your life through reading and exercising might sound ridiculous to you, but like I said, small steps. Set yourself goals, and after you’ve completed them, you can move on to the next stage. Good luck! Let me know how things go, don’t hesitate to PM :)
lol okay. I enjoy it because it's a thing, not because there is a carrot on the end of a stick for me.
might I suggest:
http://www.amazon.com/Who-Moved-My-Cheese-Amazing/dp/0399144463
I'll leave this here
Who Moved My Cheese? By spencer Johnson
Here's a link http://www.amazon.com/Who-Moved-My-Cheese-Amazing/dp/0399144463
This booked really helped me see how my past hurt was intertwined with my addictions; most prominently was porn ofcourse, but also obsessive gaming, smoking weed, binge watching shows.
There is a lot of information in there, some of which you will find relevant and some not.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Behaviour/dp/0452272041
It seems like a cheesy self help book but I assure you it isn't. It's very well informed. All the best.
A while ago I read a great book called The Female Brain that specifically goes through hormones and the effects they have on our brains (there is a male counterpart as well that I recommend as well), that book helped me stop a lot of this behavior. I have messed up hormones as it is, and yeah sometimes I am hormonal and looking at me the wrong way will trigger a really deep and ultimately not rational anger, but I am working on pinpointing that and separating it from anger that has to do with the other person being an asshole.
It's a hard lesson to learn, and sometimes I still freak out but, for me, it was at least nice to know that there is a difference and I am not always just "emotional"
*formatting edit
A well reasoned view from an evolutionary psychologist G. Miller in his book The Mating Mind is that our intelligence is nothing more than a sexual showoff like a peacock tail. It has no survival value and therefore didn't have to evolve. At the same time, many birds show off their tails of different designs. and other sexual games are played in many versions so it's reasonable to expect intelligence to evolve more than once too.
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Mind-Sexual-Choice-Evolution/dp/038549517X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1248464914&amp;sr=8-1
> Young girls talk a lot more
You could have stopped right there. I'm going to throw a recommendation for this book as its a good read:
http://www.amazon.com/Female-Brain-Louann-Brizendine/dp/0767920104
Again a teenage girl's desire for communication and social bonding is very well documented. They even have that saying "Talking on the phone like a 16 year old girl".
> caused by societal pressure
I have an issue with this as well. Over the last few decades we have been playing with this idea of "societal pressures" shaping people. I'm on the other side of the fence with the idea that our nature is what shaped our society in the first place.
Throwing out another recommendation on your second point, also a great read.
http://www.amazon.com/Blank-Slate-Modern-Denial-Nature/dp/0142003344/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1368644663&amp;sr=1-2&amp;keywords=blank+slate
You are welcome to challenge any of my opinions but calling them "simplistic" seems rather dense on your part.