(Part 3) Best interpersonal relations books according to redditors
We found 5,975 Reddit comments discussing the best interpersonal relations books. We ranked the 928 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 41-60. You can also go back to the previous section.
41. He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
21 mentions
Great product!
"Although research conducted by psychiatrist Lee Robins found that the vast majority of sociopathic adults had shown sociopathic behaviors in childhood, it also found that about 50 percent of children who showed those behaviors did not grow up to become sociopathic."
At a coin flip, labeling too early may really destroy half of the children's lives.
EDIT: If you're interested in the topic, here is a highly reviewed (and recommended) book:
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/076791581X
The movies premise is stupid because it implies that "laws" actually prevent people from visiting violence upon one another.
I can't speak for any of you, but I don't wake up every morning and say to myself, "Gosh darnit, I'd sure like to murder and steal from my neighbors, but there are laws against that so I can't."
Here's a news flash: most human beings are cooperative creatures who dislike violence and injustice, laws do not make them "virtuous" because people are already so by nature.
-------------------------------------
The 1-4% of the sociopathic elements of the human population are the exception to that norm and supposedly the laws are meant to deter them; but they are not deterred. Worse yet, the sociopaths gain political power and use violence to achieve their ends under the cover of "law".
From Political Ponerology: A Science on The Nature of Evil adjusted for Political Purposes:
>Imagine - if you can - not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken.
>And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools.
Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs. Since everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless.
>You are not held back from any of your desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your cold-bloodedness. The ice water in your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience, that they seldom even guess at your condition.
>In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs of conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world.
>You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences will most likely remain undiscovered.
>How will you live your life?
>What will you do with your huge and secret advantage, and with the corresponding handicap of other people (conscience)?
>The answer will depend largely on just what your desires happen to be, because people are not all the same. Even the profoundly unscrupulous are not all the same. Some people - whether they have a conscience or not - favor the ease of inertia, while others are filled with dreams and wild ambitions. Some human beings are brilliant and talented, some are dull-witted, and most, conscience or not, are somewhere in between. There are violent people and nonviolent ones, individuals who are motivated by blood lust and those who have no such appetites. [...]
>Provided you are not forcibly stopped, you can do anything at all.
>If you are born at the right time, with some access to family fortune, and you have a special talent for whipping up other people's hatred and sense of deprivation, you can arrange to kill large numbers of unsuspecting people. With enough money, you can accomplish this from far away, and you can sit back safely and watch in satisfaction. [...]
>Crazy and frightening - and real, in about 4 percent of the population....
>The prevalence rate for anorexic eating disorders is estimated a 3.43 percent, deemed to be nearly epidemic, and yet this figure is a fraction lower than the rate for antisocial personality. The high-profile disorders classed as schizophrenia occur in only about 1 percent of [the population] - a mere quarter of the rate of antisocial personality - and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say that the rate of colon cancer in the United States, considered "alarmingly high," is about 40 per 100,000 - one hundred times lower than the rate of antisocial personality.
The high incidence of sociopathy in human society has a profound effect on the rest of us who must live on this planet, too, even those of us who have not been clinically traumatized. The individuals who constitute this 4 percent drain our relationships, our bank accounts, our accomplishments, our self-esteem, our very peace on earth.
>Yet surprisingly, many people know nothing about this disorder, or if they do, they think only in terms of violent psychopathy - murderers, serial killers, mass murderers - people who have conspicuously broken the law many times over, and who, if caught, will be imprisoned, maybe even put to death by our legal system.
>We are not commonly aware of, nor do we usually identify, the larger number of nonviolent sociopaths among us, people who often are not blatant lawbreakers, and against whom our formal legal system provides little defense.
>Most of us would not imagine any correspondence between conceiving an ethnic genocide and, say, guiltlessly lying to one's boss about a coworker. But the psychological correspondence is not only there; it is chilling. Simple and profound, the link is the absence of the inner mechanism that beats up on us, emotionally speaking, when we make a choice we view as immoral, unethical, neglectful, or selfish.
>Most of us feel mildly guilty if we eat the last piece of cake in the kitchen, let alone what we would feel if we intentionally and methodically set about to hurt another person.
Those who have no conscience at all are a group unto themselves, whether they be homicidal tyrants or merely ruthless social snipers.
The presence or absence of conscience is a deep human division, arguably more significant than intelligence, race, or even gender.
>What differentiates a sociopath who lives off the labors of others from one who occasionally robs convenience stores, or from one who is a contemporary robber baron - or what makes the difference between an ordinary bully and a sociopathic murderer - is nothing more than social status, drive, intellect, blood lust, or simple opportunity.
>What distinguishes all of these people from the rest of us is an utterly empty hole in the psyche, where there should be the most evolved of all humanizing functions.
-Martha Stout The Sociopath Next Door
Ooh raises hand I can answer this one! Good on you for recognizing there's a difference!
I asked here a few days ago about assertiveness training. Didn't get many replies but I searched for books to order and I've found two that have blown me away! Seriously! I'm already changing my behavior for the better. The books are: "The Assertiveness Workbook" by Dr. Randy Paterson and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. Both cheap and easy to find on ebay.
I'm still waiting for the 2nd book but I've only had The Assertiveness Workbook a few days and already Im applying what I've learned. EXAMPLE: (I'm a nurse) Just last night at work a doctor started yelling at me on the phone for something completely out of my control. Instead of feeling flustered like I normally do I was able to calmly assert myself and get the patient what they needed. It was awesome!
For some immediate techniques to practice search Google and YouTube on: how to be assertive, fogging, negative assertion, negative inquiry, broken record. And read the reviews for those 2 books. Many reviewers explain techniques in the book.
Good luck! I'm learning assertiveness is not a case of "the have's" and "the have not's" It can be learned.
edit: added hyperlinks
I just started reading this book: The Charisma Myth: How anyone can master the art and science of personal magnetism. I'll reply back in a few days when I'm done. In fact, I'll do an AMA: How I read a book and bagged Angelina Jolie. /s
When I was faced with difficult choices, following a so called friend giving me an ultimatum, essentially give up Bdsm or else, I decided to take action. First, I gave them the book : When someone you love is kinky by Dossie Easton
https://www.amazon.co.uk/WHEN-SOMEONE-YOU-LOVE-KINKY/dp/1890159239/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1485571278&sr=8-1&keywords=When+someone+you+love+is+kinky
Synopsis :
One in ten people are involved in bondage, spanking, erotic role-play, body modification or other unconventional lifestyles. Now, for anyone who's ever overheard a conversation, glimpsed a toy, or been startled by a tattoo, there is this book which is a sympathetic and comprehensive handbook for helping you understand the behaviours and lifestyles of people you care about
Second, I decided that "silence is golden" I no longer told my friends about any of my social or relationship activities. I thought is they could not accept me after reading that book, then I would keep it a secret.
That book is written in a non threatening or condescending manner to help explain alternative sexual and allies any fears or worries.
Your mother is a Narcissist.
She's not just "selfish", or a "pain in the ass", or "high maintenance" or "perfectionist"... she has a Personality Disorder. The most key red flag of that personality disorder is that she has zero empathy whatsoever - and it's not something she can learn, or grow, in Narcissistic Personality Disorder, having no empathy is like being born without legs - she wont' regrow them. Not ever.
So let's get you resources for understanding this:
First, of course: /r/raisedbynarcissists If you go by PC, not mobile, they have a wonderful sidebar with TONS of resources to understand Narcissists, to see what kind of manipulation tactics they use to control people and get their way, and how toxic they are.
Out of the FOG
Personal Bill of Rights Print this page out a dozen times and hang copies by your phones, on your fridge, on your bathroom mirror, in your car, in your wallet - and MEMORIZE it. Until you can recite it at stop signs and red lights without looking. THIS IS THE BARE MINIMUM for all healthy adult relationships. Your mother is an emotional abuser. What she has been doing is ABUSE. You survived a childhood of ABUSE. She is not mentally healthy, she is toxic to everyone around her. So memorize that Personal Bill of Rights, and start setting boundaries up to protect yourself from when she violates your rights.
A good book for you AND your father and your brother: Becoming The Narcissist's Nightmare
A good book for you: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
Since you mentioned she's "becoming your JNGrandmother": Children of the AGING Self-Absorbed
But read everything you can on Narcissism. And look for a good therapist, because the only maternal role model you imprinted on is a toxic one - and when you are a mother, a lot of her abuse is going to become much, much clearer in your mind, and it's a lot to process - having a professional to coach you through it, and who can give you the toolbox of skills to deal with her, helps tremendously.
You should be able to filter their messages to a folder whether you're on an iPhone or an Android.
Then texts go to 'their' folder automatically. You don't have to see them but can check the folder daily, every couple of days or weekly (whatever works for you) & skim msgs for craziness.
This is better than blocking them because it lets you monitor texts on your schedule & gives you a record if legal action becomes appropriate.
If FIL comes after y'all you may have to send them a No Contact letter (certified, return receipt) & call the police if he shows up at your front door & won't leave. You can call the cops without a letter but it provides the authorities more reason to keep them away.
Relax as much as you can. You're adults. They can't guilt you or DH if you don't care. If they try to interfere in your lives you can stop them. Keeping them out of your lives is less stressful than allowing their ugliness / crazy in. Especially with children.
Here's /u/madpiratebippy 's reading list, cut & pasted from a post with her comments:
by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
Take a deep breath & share your experiences & questions here. You're not alone. Y'all can do this.
EDIT: fixed link (thanks /u/Starkmoon)
Your boyfriend was extremely cruel to you. I don’t believe you need to be better. I’ve been in similar situations, and it sucks to be the person who is trying while the other is disengaged, dishonest and disdainful. I truly believe you deserve better, but I understand that life is imperfect for many of us.
I will say that the following site and book helped me think about and calibrate my situation and what behavior I’d accept from people: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/
This book described my power dynamic even in a “steady” relationship: https://store.baggagereclaim.co.uk/product/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl/
I don’t think the blogger who maintains the site is a certified therapist, but she’s real and gives good perspective and advice IMO. She offers paid consults as well. Among the most useful advice she gives is about boundaries.
After i started reading her blog, i began to try to understand why my behavior around boundary setting was so fitful. That led to a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejectin... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TZE87S4/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_rlOzCbF2XNC0T
... which helped to lead me to a subreddit i do find very helpful: raisedbynarcissist.
Have a wonderful nighr!!
> But still, people attacking me when I'm a developer... but I program for Linux, on Linux.
Look, I'm not saying you are an asshole, because I haven't followed all this drama. But being a software developer doesn't preclude you from being an asshole. Even if its just being a temporary asshole related to having a bad day. Nobody is attacking you for being a developer with an informed opinion.
Be honest, one can tell someone else they are wrong or misinformed without saying, "you are an idiot/moron/imbecile". You can call bullshit on someone else without making it a personal attack. If its someone else trying to provoke a vitriolic response then its not on you anyway.
That's from some pick up artist book. The idea behind the book was that you are so cocksure you can put down a girl and she will look up to you and want to have sex with you.
Like this.
You break them down, build them up, then they have sex with you.
edit: I think this is the book.
>But then in the same breath he said that he didn't feel that "romantic spark"
Girl. Run. He's leading you on. He's getting the benefits of a relationship without a commitment. I'm not saying he's doing it intentionally or trying to manipulate the situation, but honestly. Just let this one go.
Often I think that people post about a down SO and the SO is just having deployment blues. It happens occasionally where the servicemember has a breakdown break-up (everything is hard and I'm miserable; let's break up). It resolves in a day with apologies and tears and a plan to move forward.
This isn't the case with this dude. He broke it off what? A month ago? And he's been enjoying the attention and benefits of having a girlfriend but without having one. Meanwhile, you're hanging on his every word (or the emphasis on his every word), and doing all kinds of sweet girlfriend-like things for him and getting nothing in return. This dude is just not that into you.
On top of that - let's say it happens. He gets back. He's willing to take a chance and commit. What then? How do you trust him again to be fully committed to you? How do you trust that the next time he goes on deployment he doesn't want to break it off for the same reasons?
You seem like you make a really good girlfriend. Go be a good girlfriend to someone who is a really good boyfriend in return.
What your girlfriend probably told you is that she has fantasies of being humiliated and dominated.
That's really different from what you heard and told us, that she wants you to dominate and humiliate her.
She is definitely a kinky person. But she's so young and she's been with you since she was an adult that I don't think she has any experience in kink.
Kink shouldn't be done without being very cautious, kink can be personal, difficult and if done wrong, can harm a person both psychologically and physically. Also, consent is a very touchy subject when doing kink and you should thread very carefully.
You should both talk a lot about this, especially if she's not experienced.
I strongly suggest that both of you educate yourself on the subject of kink and domination. There are so many wonderful books on the subject that it can be difficult to start but I suggest:
Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - When someone you love is kinky - Greenery Press 2000
A wonderful and thoughtful book that can help many a couple to approach and tackle the difficulties of coming out of the kinky closet.
Jay Wiseman - SM 101, second edition - Greenery Press 1996
A classic in its own right, SM 101 has introduced many generations to the practices and the good manners of doing SM even before the term BDSM came into play. And also, how to ask for consent and all the required safeties needed in kink.
Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - The Ethical Slut, A guide to infinite sexual possibilities - Greenery Press 1997
Another ageless classic, mostly about non-monogamic, non-traditional relationships but still a book that can help you understand how discussions and confrontations can be done easily and safely when talking about sex and relationships and similar difficult subjects.
These are the bare minimum. She (and maybe you too) should also sign up on FetLife (https://fetlife.com/) and find others with the same interest, people on Fetlife are always happy to help newcomers (unless you're very rude).
Also, on Fetlife you can see if you can find a munch in your area so that you both can go and talk to other more experience people in an nonthreatening environment.
You could also see if you can go to one of the many BDSM conventions around the country, so that you can both see for yourself how it is done and that kink is possible without feeling (nor being) a horrible person.
So, don't be put off by her not wanting to have sex with you. She's probably thinking that she disgusts you now that she has expressed her "wicked" fantasies.
Also please please PLEASE DO NOT TRY ANYTHING WITH HER WITHOUT FIRST TALKING WITH HER ABOUT IT.
Even if she has asked before, it's still a violence if you don't get consent, explicit and in advance consent for anything that you do to her.
TL;DR
You should both inform yourself by reading the proposed books, signing up in FetLife, going to munches and talking to other experienced people before doing anything in the bedroom.
Building off of this, I think OP can do well in an interview. Given the diversity of your experience (which I am unfamiliar with), you have the opportunity to act confidently in an entry level interview and actually guide the conversation in your favor. Here is an example of what your interview might go like if you can keep things positive.
Interviewer: So tell me about yourself
You: well I am from , currently have lived in for quite a while and currently am studying . I have worked at (list various experiences and the amounts of experience.) I ended up finding the time at most fulfilling because of . (even if it is a clerk job, enthusiasm at low level positions shows that you will have that enthusiasm in your "real job". There has got to be something you have enjoyed in your previous work right?)
Interviewer: Why do you want to leave your current job to come work here?
You: I feel like as much as I have learned, I am ready for more responsibility and feel like I have learned as much as I can at my current job. (not lying, and showing a desire to move up).
Interviewer: We are looking for someone that has skillset, is that something that you have?
You: (important that you don't get nervous here if you don't have it) While I do not have a lot of experience with this, I am familiar with it and a fast learner and will be capable of learning on the job. (A google search of keywords on the skillset requirements is usually good for this)
Interviewer: So tell me more about ___ on your resume.
You: This was an interesting experience for me because I got to do (list what you did). I found this kind of thing particularly interesting because it allowed me to (learn new things all of the time, work with people, work as many hours as I wanted, had a great group of coworkers), which I enjoy doing. (Some things about work are entirely universal, so you can probably find something that works for this).
What you want to work towards is an opportunity to say this, as it has been helpful in all of my more recent interviews "I can do anything you want me to, but I want to get an idea of what you need so I can be the most useful to you". (This communicates everything that is true for you without sounding desperate: You will take any job, you have the ability to pick up skills, and a genuine interest to improve yourself.)
From my experience, unless you are working in a very specific field, most entry level career positions can be done by high school graduates (education inflation, amiright?). So you are not lying by saying you can do anything they give you. So long as you are willing to learn and have an understanding of how to interact with people, you should be fine anywhere you start. Just like JamesTheGodMason said, they are going to pick the person who is more confident, possibly even if the other person is more qualified. This is because even if the person is not ideal, this recruiter has one mission "find someone capable of plugging the hole" and usually by the time they look externally, they only might be looking for 60-80% match of what is actually on the requirements (depending on the role/industry).
*****
Something I wish someone had told me about was developing my emotional intelligence (EQ) and there is a bunch of material on the subject. While this might seem like "soft-science" BS, (and in some cases, maybe it is). It has helped me tremendously in human interaction.
This is the book I started with and is written for the working professional, so it might be a good start. Just don't do the online quiz stuff.. it was kind of a ripoff.
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625
TLDR: Interview is not about impressing the person with your knowledge, but by proving you can interact with people and that you have not lied about what is on your resume. Just have an honest conversation with the person and let them know you have the desire to do whatever they throw at you. Also, EQ helps a lot.
Credentials: 2 year working professional as an IT consultant, tanked my first 5 interviews, then have gotten an offer on every subsequent interview.
Edit: sorry for the weird formatting, don't know what that's about.
Read The Charisma Myth.
The equation that produces charisma is actually fairly simple. All you have to do is give the impression that you possess both high power and high warmth, since charismatic behaviors project a combination of these two qualities. “Fight or flight?” is the power question. “Friend or foe” is the warmth question.
To be charismatic doesn’t require that one be naturally outgoing, physically attractive, or need to change their personality.
Possible to be a charismatic introvert.
Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation:
I've worked at a couple of places that scrupulously followed this rule when hiring: (link). In my experience at those places, engineering teams had ZERO toxic personalities.
Leia esse livro (não achei ele em português): You just don't understend!
Basicamente a autora, que é uma acadêmica do estudo de linguista, aborda conversa entre homens e mulheres como comunicação intercultural...
Eu achei bastante esclarecedor.
Vou arriscar um TL;DR, mas é difícil explicar um livro inteiro em 2 frases:
Na cultura masculina se costuma negociar hierarquia em conversa, a das mulheres costuma ser negociar proximidade ou conexão. Ou seja, quando uma mulher te fala algo que tu considera estranho ela esta querendo provavelmente ela quer exercitar a conexão dela contigo:
p.s.: Eu sei que sou um homem respondendo uma pergunta direcionada para mulheres, mas eu só estou tentando expor uma teoria de uma mulher que é especialista no assunto...
p.p.s.: O prefácio é inteiro sobre como o objetivo do livro não é generalizar homens ou mulheres, que nenhum lado esta certo ou errado, são apenas diferentes e apresenta milhões de contra exemplos de pessoas que se comportam diferente da média. Então não me venha com chorumelas de sexismo...
If you would like a couple of good reads on this subject Polly Toynbee's Hard Work and The Spirit Level by Wilkinson and Pickett, (Link to PDF oof some of the book) are very good reads as is Chavs by Owen Jones.
Also the Black report and Marmot review are heavy but eye opening reads.
I'm sure many people with say that this is good for the country but the evidence is that it simply costs us all, yes the gap has closed a little over the last few years but that trend will reverse and when you look at the degree of inequality within the UK in comparison to our EU neighbours we have such along way to go.
I think that one of the reasons that the government is so anti-EU is that they wish for this level of inequity to stay (and increase).
I had the same experience! One book I found from that sub that was super useful was “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. I definitely recommend it if you want to feel some compassionate validation and ways to move forward.
There's a book, "When someone you love is kinky":
http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
Written by the two who wrote "The New {Topping|Bottoming} Book"
Get the book. For the moment they are freaking out. Hopefully they'll come a bit to their senses and you can talk to them more rationally.
edit: Meanwhile, it doesn't matter if you are into "light" or "heavy" BDSM, those are just labels. Different things freak out different people. It sounds like your relationship with your partner is completely healthy and you are happy with it.
Your parents, otoh, have no frame of reference. Thus the instant jump to child pornography. I suspect it might be because child porn always got tossed in with categories that people were told to hate: "don't let gay people get married, or next someone will want to marry their dog or their child". Here, it's kink. I doubt your parents went through every photo, and hopefully they don't want to. Which means that they are making up the worst. And that leaves you with doing BDSM 101 education to them, not an easy thing since...
Your parents are shocked, and I don't know how they handle shock. Likely their reactions will change. I don't know how quickly, or to what. So I'm not sure what to tell you in terms of bag packing and all. But if you are actually being kicked out, I'd grab all your important papers: social security card, passport, birth certificate, etc. And anything with really strong sentimental value. If you think your parents will get violent, take someone else with you. A peer pressure of sorts of having a witness to their behavior. Which isn't a bad idea in any case.
My mind added 'Wolves' to it, sorry, it is actually In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. It has been a fascinating read.
In all fairness, memory is VERY unstable. I’m reading a fantastic book right now that shows that even if you were to write down something that literally just happened, then five years later try to recall it, you can make up things that didn’t happen and even refute what you initially wrote!
This is good advice. Feeling Good (the original book that the above-mentioned Handbook is a companion to) is the classic of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is a systematic, proven way to manage the cognitive distortions /u/natetet referred to. It's one of the fastest growing therapy approaches because it's so practical. No 'Tell me about your mother...' just real tools to fight your bastard brain.
You could also check out the precursor to CBT, Rational-Emotional Behavior Therapy, by Albert Ellis. If you have insurance, you can probably find a therapist to guide you through the process. If not, there are actually websites and apps that you can look into. Some paid, some free. The key is to not just read the literature, but have the discipline to make habits out of the tools you learn there.
This book is also good not just for fighting cognitive distortions, but also for building up an image of confidence and charisma in a natural, not feigned way. Deals with the imposter syndrome (look it up, so many people suffer from it).
You can do it, swamp.
Source: 36-year-old who feels like a 23-year-old.
As you realize becoming great at social skills is just like training any other skill. Realizing you can train it will allow you to build the skill stronger than others who stumble into it. So many will say you can't get better or amazing by reading in a chair. They're right. Read a little, apply a lot, take notes, then review what you did right and what you did wrong, repeat. Get a mentor or training buddy if you can, it accelerates learning, because we can't see ourselves the same as those outside us can. Make a regimen to go out, greet and meet people every day. Or at least three times a week minimum, make it a habit.
I can tell you that I've been in customer service and sales jobs, they taught me nothing because my skills were garbage and sub-par. So I didn't have a paddle for my raft in the world of social interaction. All I got was "people get irritated if I cold approach or try to sell them. Or worse I have to dump mountains of information to make them feel safe." So after studying for the better part of a decade, here's some points that got me to the basics and more advanced subjects. With the basics under your belt, then a job or daily practice will get you understanding and results.
First, learn how to steady yourself mentally, breathing exercise here. Breathing is important as we seem to be learning your heart rate and beat pattern determine more about our emotions than we'd like to admit.
Second, Accept and love yourself, (both those terms may be undefined or wishy-washy to you at the moment, defining them is part of the journey.) Because you can only accept and love others the way you apply it to yourself first.
Third, pick up and read the charisma myth. It has habits/meditations that will be a practice you use every day. I'd say a basic understanding will happen after applying them over three months. Never stop practicing these basics, they are your fundamentals. They determine your body language. The difference between a romantic gaze and a creepy stare is context of the meeting and body language, especially in the eyes.
Sales or cold approach networking will do the same for practice. If you do sales or meeting new people, it is a negotiation. You're trying to trade "value" (safety + an emotion). So if you figure out how to make yourself feel emotion, then inspire emotion in others, mutual agreements happen. Start with Why is a good reference. Here is a summary video. Chris Voss will help you find out that you don't tap into people rationally, you tap people emotionally, big think summary video. Or the full book treatment, Never Split the Difference. The supporting book for Chris Voss' position can be helped by reading Start With No
For training habits and understanding how we execute behaviors, Thinking, Fast and Slow
For dealing with hard arguments and heavy topics both Nonviolent Communication and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Learning what listening is, instead of "hearing" people. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone is a good book for that. This is touched on in Never Split the Difference and in the Charisma Myth because true listening, making the person you are speaking with feel "listened to and understood" is most of what makes a charismatic person work.
Yup that makes three of us, I'm sure there's more people in this subreddit like this.
I know I have lost friends and relationships over this thing, so here's the conclusions that I have reached, please correct me if I'm wrong because I also need the feedback:
Better to be with people that know you are an introvert and know that you are trying your best, than with people that only like you because they think you're an extrovert and as years go by, come to realize that you are not.
THAT being said, I wouldn't begin courting someone by stating that I'm an introvert, I might as well say that I'm shy weirdo, not very sexy (of course, this may change in the future).
(I brought enough grammatical errors for everyone, please don't get excited about pointing them out, English is my second language and I'm at work so I can't proofread what I just wrote)
Dear u/arcelyte's mom,
Please don't be ashamed of being a good person with a trusting nature. The Teds and Lindas of the world are predators; they are master manipulators, cunning and remorseless. They know how to present a false front to get behind the defenses of good people and work it to their advantage. You might find Dr. Simon's In Sheep's Clothing helpful in understanding the mindset and how to protect yourself in the future.
omgggggggg are you me? I'm also over on /r/raisedbynarcissists. My nMom has all the typical narcissistic spectrum behaviors PLUS her own disordered eating (her diet is M-F diet coke, Sa-Sun binge eating - she weighs anywhere between 89 and 130 pounds at any given time).
Do you still live with her or are you just visiting? The best thing I ever did was move away as soon as I had the chance. She still knows where I live though, so she'll stalk my house and my car on occasion, but everything is better with more distance, overall.
Edit: And yes, she is absolutely trying to sabotage you, for multiple simultaneous reasons. To satisfy her need to be right, to satisfy her need to be better than you, to satisfy her need for you to want her, to satisfy her need for you to depend on her, for her own entertainment, etc.
A book I recommend is called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." That and lots and lots and lots of therapy. I wish I could get her to go as well, as I've had BOTH a psychiatrist and a therapist tell me she also exhibits BPD, but that's a bridge too far for her. Sigh.
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406035115&sr=8-1&keywords=daughters+of+narcissistic+mothers
You don't need to write anything; it's already been written: You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen. Get two copies and each of you read one.
If you won't read the book, here's the super super distilled version:
Read the book
I'm no expert on the matter, but I've been married about 13 years and some of the things you are saying I completely relate to. Here's some advice from someone who knows what you are going through, and still struggles with it.
Giving is crucial, you mentioned massages that you give her weekly, that is good. However, if you are giving only with the hope that it will turn her on or an attempt to have sex with her, it will always always backfire on you. Learn to selflessly give without the expectation of something in return.
You mentioned the compliments on how sexy you think your wife is and how you pinch her behind from time-to-time. Being married for a long time that stuff loses its luster and if you are hoping it will turn her on or lead to sex, it will turn your wife off even more.
You mentioned cleaning every day after work. That is awesome, but like I said, if this because she needs it and you hope it means she will be interested sexually in you, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons.
Don't get it somewhere else. This might be the hardest thing for you to not do. I understand, I'm a guy. I've had these struggles too, but I'm telling you, it will destroy you, speaking from experience. You made a promise to the woman you love, and that promise is more important than any pornographic web site or strip club can provide.
Think about what it is you want when it comes to sex. Is it purely a physical release? Is it that you want to connect with the woman you love. Evaluate and ask yourself when you do make love, is it all about getting what you want?
Lastly, not talking about sex with your wife is probably the most damaging, because your sexuality will 'leak out' in other ways, which as I previously mentioned can destroy you and your marriage. The reality is, she probably doesn't see it the way you do, but if she really loves you, allow her some flexibility as she changes. Setting ultimatums will NEVER work.
I think in the heat of the moment, you and I want this fixed right away, we think, we've been married several years and this has gone on long enough! But the reality is, people don't change over night. Even though my wife is still struggling in this area, we have had to make a lot of conscious changes in how we deal with it, because neither of us like fighting about it. Your wife probably feels guilty that she isn't more interested. If you are truly committed to her for life, then you are willing to do what it takes. A successful marriage isn't easy, but it is definitely worth it.
There are a GREAT DEAL of resources regarding high and low desire when it comes to sex in marriage. I would suggest the following:
The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner-Davis
There are several marriage related podcasts that cover this topic in great deal as well.
ONE Extraordinary Marriage has a great podcast. This is a married couple who shares their story that is very similar to what you've expressed.
Sexy Marriage Radio Doctor Corey Allen and Shannon Ethridge are both marriage counselors and have amazing perspective on this topic.
I hope this helps. I know how you feel in terms of loneliness. It's not easy, but it is worth it in the long run. My wife and I have set an agreement that we will have sex 2x a week. She is supposed to initiate with me on 3 of those days, and on the next 3 days, I initiate. We have one extra day where sex isn't necessarily on the table for either of us. I use the time I initiate to really try to connect with her and focus on her needs sexually. I also spend time discussing earlier in the day so she has time to prepare for the idea (springing it on her doesn't work). When we do have sex on my days to initiate, they aren't really geared to my sexual needs, but satisfying her is very fulfilling. One her days to initiate, she spends time focusing on me and things I enjoy.
Now it doesn't happen like this every time, and sometimes a quickie is all we can do since we're both tired, but it has HELPED tremendously. 5-7 years ago we were having sex less than 10 times a year, and now we're 1-2 times a week. We get along much better, neither of us feel the pressure that not having sex causes, and you're not having to worry or wonder if/when you're going to be intimate with your spouse.
I'm not so sure this isn't in part a cultural issue. What I'm saying makes sense I guess mostly if you buy into Deborah Tannen's theories about how men and women talk to each other. I'm not suggesting that men and women necessarily should be talking to each other here, but I don't think anyone would deny that it's happening.
By cultural issue I mean that maybe in many cases women here are trying to build community on an issue and many of the men are seeing this as trying to establish a set of facts. These men may try to create what appears to them to be a more accurate set of facts than what's been posted, and the women posters see this as an attempt to destroy the community.
If the people who are coming here to "correct the set of facts" could understand that their help, however meant, is not necessarily in the best interest of the discussion, maybe at least the best-intentioned of them would relax a little and allow the discussion to proceed.
Trolls, of course, will always be trolls.
I think it was in this book, where the author (through some cited studies) essentially says smiles cannot be effectively faked. That there are certain muscle groups (around eyes and cheeks I think it was) of which you do not have enough conscious control over that end up producing a sub-standard or fake looking smile when forced.
i.e. your smiles only look real when they are
You seem really frustrated and I feel like I actually have some useful information to offer, so I'm sorry if this feels obnoxious, but hopefully you'll gain something from it.
​
I'm the low libido one in my relationship. I had a lot of "serious talks" with my husband about it over the years. He wants more. I want to want more, but don't know how. I convince myself I'll make it happen. Do all kinds of things like get sexy underwear and wear them daily so I'm reminded to think about sex. We have subtle signals for "I want to have sex today" so we don't have to tell each other "Want some sex?" shit like that. It bothers me when my husband tries to initiate while I'm trying to take care of things that have to be done. I ask him to stop. Etc. and so on.
​
The issue was that we were misidentifying the problems involved. Yeah, all that stuff was true, but it wasn't *the* issue. I needed therapy. Like, a shit ton of it. I have a history of sexual trauma and it has my relationship with sex all fucked up. Besides that, I've been with my husband for ~15 years and all the habits and resentment and fear we have with each other around sex have been building and reinforcing themselves in cycles for that whole time. So trying to come up with these small solutions when the problems were much deeper, ingrained emotional shit, made no real difference, and we were stuck in our useless, frustrating cycles.
​
I'm not saying your husband has sexual trauma. He might, he might not. He may be ace or depressed like another commenter said, but it's a big assumption to say it has to be one of those. It may just be that he has low libido. But if he really wants to change and it's not working, it's possible there's a deeper issue you guys are missing. And if you keep trying to solve the small problems, you'll never get to the big ones. I also really recommend the book Passionate Marriage for both of you. It's a little self-congratulatory, but it has some good ideas that can really change the way you think about your interactions with your husband, and maybe break some of those frustrating cycles. Another book that really helped me was Come As You Are, which is geared towards women but includes science that applies to men as well, and I think would help any low-libido partner get a handle on what's happening with their sex drive.
​
I wish you luck, happiness, and satisfying sex.
I went through something similar (pre-kids), and this book literally saved my marriage: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Libido-Couples/dp/0743227336/
Basically, she sees sex as one more job to do at the end of an exhausting day. You see it as a way to connect with her in an intimate way (plus all the other good stuff). When she realizes what you're missing she might be more willing to partake.
Hope it helps.
Someone here once recommended a great book that deals with this exact struggle. It helped me a lot: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X
best seller, was made into a movie
www.therulesrevisited.com very popular
are you aware of thousands of xtian websites with men giving sex dating and marital advice to women and declaiming on the female role in the world?
what do you think doctor phil does?
I have, and handled it quite poorly for more than a year by just assuming that sufficient insight would make me happy and able to handle everything in the relationship. I think the resistance was pretty justified since I was really emotionally withdrawing and we weren't communicating effectively.
There have been a few different threads on this(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and this is what I've commented previously:
> If you can, I'd suggest trying as hard as you can to not fall into the dynamic of "distancing yourself while counting on meditation to make it easy to eventually bridge the gap." It's definitely true that meditation and progress in insight will eventually help you work through and untangle the issues where you feel distance in your relationships currently -- but in the meantime, that distancing can snowball into much larger issues for your relationships, and with today's goodwill being even more eroded by months of distance. We’d already been distant, and then I allowed that dynamic to go on for about a year while I pursued meditation as the sole solution, and it’s been a long hard road back for both of us. I really wish in retrospect that I'd tried hard to thoughtfully pursue more conventional fixes at the same time as working on the path -- stuff like:
>
> - Setting thoughtful and reasonable boundaries.
> - Seeing an individual therapist.
> - Reading up on attachment theory and trying to figure out how it was playing out in my relationships.
> - Working on more consistently articulating all my different feelings, and getting better at being able to communicate them to others without making those feelings their fault. This is especially important with seemingly contradictory feelings, since sometimes articulating them allows for a mutually acceptible compromise rather than one feeling having to be repressed.
> - If this includes distance in a romantic relationship, then I wish I'd read Wired For Love and Getting the Love You Want much earlier, potentially along with looking into couples therapy.
> - All the stuff around getting exercise, sleep, seeing friends, etc. can really help too.
> - Working with a meditation teacher with experience at integrating life and practice.
>
> Whether you stay or go, there’s a ton of opportunity to use relationship conflict to really grow your self-knowledge and empathy with others. You can also make a lot of progress on the path by acknowledging your conflicting feelings and needs. I’ve felt like the last year of working through stuff left me with a decreased desire for any specific thing, but with a strong commitment to making space for different parts of me to stay in dialogue.
I think the right way to handle it is definitely contextual. Sometimes significant others react like this when a partner is distancing themself, not seeing friends, dropping old activities, not communicating, not taking responsibility for household stuff, etc. The proper response to that is going to involve some degree of refocusing energy towards conventional life or deciding that you want to end the relationship and deepen your practice. On the other hand, sometimes people just become completely allergic to their partner's interest in meditation even when everything else is going right. That's where maintaining your boundaries and recognizing that you're not responsible for all your partner's emotions becomes helpful. So I'd say that it really depends on stuff like exactly how much you're practicing, what the state of the relationship was like before you started practicing, what their specific complaints are, how career/work is going, whether you're exercising and seeing friends, whether you have a good support network, etc.
He's just not that into us guies....
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X
yes.
 
IMHO 'too nice' is when you put other peoples priorities and happiness ahead of your own. IMHO this has more going on than just being 'passive aggressive'. Perhaps fear, sense of self worth, not knowing how to ask, not knowing what you need with and yes, being passive aggressive.
 
You should never stop being nice. Just start believing your needs and desires are just as important as everybody else. And ask and expect them to be met. But you need to step up and ask for them. And that's not being aggressive, that's being assertive.
 
The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships
 
Affirmations For Being Assertive
 
And there are affirmations apps for you phone.
 
And this is an important change to your entire life, not just your romantic relationships. Take care of yourself first and things have a way of falling in line. But you're just as important as everybody else. The world needs nice people, we balance out the equation IMHO :)
 
edit: and I came across someone who was clearly working on this, as he stepped up and engaged me (blind-siding me). He seemed kinda uncomfortable and his wording was forced, but I got what he was trying to do. If I hadn't been so surprised I would've given him a fist-bump. I'm sure he'll get the hang of it.
So, this site design is just... it's just the worst. And it's become all about selling books, but this particular page might strike a chord with you.
If it does, you might try listening to/reading this.
Sauce: Have a Boomer mother, I needed that book sooner than I found it.
A couple that might be useful for you are:
To reframe your self-accessed predicament, being shy is on your side here. Learning to shut up and listen to the other person talk is one of the best things you can do. When people talk about themselves and someone is listening (I mean really listening, not pretending to), they get a good feeling. That feeling they get becomes attached to being with you. That is, they think you're great and sociable when in fact you haven't even said anything!
People love to talk about themselves - we are always seeking to be accepted among our fellow human beings - we are a society after all. We need to feel loved, wanted, respected etc, and the best way you can give this to another person is to just let them talk about themselves and be genuinely interested. Faking interest will not go un-noticed and it will work against, rather than for you. Ask questions about why they do the things they do and make them feel as if you want to know the answers. In this context they are the interesting people, not you. Then sit back and see how this moulds their perception of you - they will love you.
Splash some knowledge of body language into the mix and you will understand more about how you are being perceived and also be able to control your own non-verbals to give messages to others.
The key you seek is in understanding how other people work, not yourself!
Two things.
First, you left out values. Common values are way, way more important than common interests or attitudes. Perhaps you consider attitudes synonymous with values, in which case...never mind. But if you don't, then I think you have an omission.
Second, don't "noun" your partner. By that I mean, don't say "You are an idiot." Phrase it in verbs terms: "You do idiotic things." This makes a huge difference.
Bonus (from Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand): If your partner is female, when she asks, "Do you want to do such-and-such," do not automatically think that she is requesting a yes-or-no answer. Many women want to negotiate an answer. So when she asks you that, the correct response for many women is, "I don't know, what do you want to do." It pays to figure out if your partner is one of them.
My wife and I just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary. I attribute our happily long marriage to those three things I mentioned.
Edit: To account for zombiecyborgg and saylikeonemoretime
aka "The No Asshole Rule" - https://www.amazon.com/Asshole-Rule-Civilized-Workplace-Surviving/dp/0446698202/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=no+asshole+rule&qid=1567703038&s=gateway&sr=8-1
I wouldn't be surprised at all if the hormonal contraceptive is causing problems with her libido. My wife and I had serious issues with this and her hormonal contraceptive, while not completely responsible, was causing a major roadblock by chemically impeding her libido. Get her off the hormonal contraceptives, invest in some good condoms, and then don't talk about sex or libido for a while.
Regardless of the reason her libido is in the shitter, any talking about it is going to cause her to feel pressure to put out and make her feel bad and inadequate. She may respond with made-up reasons just to placate you and get you off her back, but the fire isn't there anymore and she probably doesn't understand why herself. She probably doesn't get that you need to have an intimate sexual relationship to feel connected to her, she probably thinks you just want to get off and is dismissive of your feelings on the matter - which makes you feel like shit. She probably feels like shit about it too but in a different way.
One thing's for sure, you two need to get this problem straightened out before you both sign on the dotted line. Get her off the hormonal birth control and get some help before this destroys your relationship (it was destroying mine). Perhaps even buy this book and make sure both of you read the whole thing. Ignore the silly title of the book, there are some very good chapters in there that will probably explain what both of you are feeling to each other. Plus it's from a third-party source, which might help get through the barrier of bad feelings both of you have probably put up with regards to this subject.
The democrats are soft and they refuse to acknowledge the kind of people they are opposed to. The whole "they go low, we go high!" thing was the most naive shit I ever heard in my life. And the Clinton campaign kept using it in response to Trump's demagoguery.
What they failed to understand is that your average American is an emotionally driven, subservient, sheeplike, cretin. They go by the balls, not the brains. If you don't believe me just watch Fox or listen to talk radio for five minutes. They don't deal in "facts", they deal in emotional catharsis, anger, horror. That's why it's effective. More than that the GOP strategy revolves around loading liberal rhetoric with emotional/racist detritus that works on a subconscious level more than a rational one. If you want a great explanation of all this then this and this are both great books. I'd highly recommend this also.
Whenever I hear a democrat say "I'll reach across the aisle!" I cringe. Tell me, who does that inspire? Why vote for you just so you can bend over backwards for people you hate? Bernie Sanders did as good as he did not because of policy specifics but because he knew how to capitalize on people's legitimate anger. Trump capitalized on racism. Bernie Sanders capitalized on the very obvious inequality and institutional crony capitalism that defines our government. One appealed to the worst in people, the other reminded people of how much they're getting screwed.
And that's the problem with democrats: they're stuck thinking in terms of political compromise, of moderation, of political correctness.
The most intelligent thing to come out of a democratic politician's mouth recently was when Perez said in public that republicans "don't give a shit about people". That's both true and sensationalist enough to make an impact.
You don't need to tell lies. You need to tell the truth so bluntly, brutally, and without any sort of veneer of compromise or civility. You need to be willing to look the entire GOP in the face and describe it as a corrupt octopus that is a threat to fucking civilization. You need to weigh down their language with subliminal associations with nazis marching down the street and mass slaughter of minorities.
Democrats need to stop treating republicans like people with good intentions and treat them as a fucking threat to our democracy. Then their base will get out and vote, then the spotlight will be shone brightly in the faces of the fucking dickheads. They need to attack, constantly. Instead they sit around defending.
The republicans offer nothing of substance. They do not treat political campaigns as debates but as a kind of mental warzone. The democrats try to appeal to people's better nature. People don't have a better nature, people are cynical shitheads. Roger Stone gets that.
> which is hard for me to agree with because I'm a pretty big believer in the "social contract" posited by Thomas Hobbs
I read a book on neuroscience recently which you should probably pick up. It's not even really political, the author in fact seems like he's going through a lot of pains to avoid bringing politics into it even if the stuff he's talking about is innately connected to the issue.
Basically, Hobbes was wrong. We aren't these isolated, purely selfish, and brutal, beings that he posited. That was his own cynicism talking more then anything. In reality human beings are very cooperative and social with one another. It's one of the reasons we survived the evolutionary maelstrom. Thing is there is a flip side, which is that we tend to view our own social groups as a kind of little island that must be defended from everybody else's ("this is my island, fuck you!). But there's even a flip side to that flip side which is that research shoes human social groupings are capable of overcoming animosity when faced with common interests. Not only that, it turns out human cultural divisions can take the form of literally fucking anything from shoes to the music we like to race. It's when we elevate them to a kind of totem or as something set in stone that they stop us from recognizing common humanity.
If that explanation seemed a little convoluted I'll sum it up by saying we're not as far gone and prone to conflict as we think we are.
The trick is creating structures that encourage cooperation and not competition and hierarchy. Which is something the anarchists (and Marx to a certain extent) have been saying for hundreds of years. If you've never read Peter Kropotkin you should absolutely look up The Conquest Of Bread, he explains that kind of society beautifully. Rudolf Rocker also wrote a book called Anarcho-Syndicalism in theory and practice which I think is probably one of the better arguments for a kind of libertarian socialism I've read.
If you decide to stick it out any longer, see if he will read Passionate Marriage by Schnarch (despite the title, it assigns no moral weight to the actual institution of marriage). It does a really good job dismantling the typical "sex-positive" approaches, while still being deeply committed to the notion that sex is worth salvaging even in imperfect relationships.
Maybe talk sex after reading a chapter of the book, or something, to avoid the talking-sex-only-to-fail-at-sex phenomenon.
On the other hand, in my personal opinion, three years is pretty easy to call it quits on. Tell him to get his shit together (it will sound rude and bitchy even to your own ears, but that's just the internalized misogyny talking) or to get out. If he doesn't enjoy getting you turned on and making sex enjoyable for you, then he doesn't enjoy having sex with you. That's the whole point of sex with a partner.
Before this gets deleted since it's a dating-related thread (supposed to go under that, new one every Monday) -- a book that helped me tremendously through my divorce: Getting Past Your Breakup. It really breaks everything down and gives some organization to all the things you're thinking and feeling right now. Biggest thing is no contact. Hardest but most important thing to do right now is to take care of yourself.
Sorry you're going through this. I have been through the same. Don't marry the guy when he comes crawling back like I did. PM me if you need to chat or vent.
I can add some information here, in that Dr. Paul Ekman is the foremost expert on the relationship between emotions and facial expression - all of his books are great and easily accessible, not literary texts by any means. I often recommend Emotions Revealed to anyone looking to do a bit of introspective self-study.
His group was consulted for the Fox show, Lie To Me, which I thought was great but ended a bit prematurely - the skeptic in me says it was due to giving the public an easily-digestible psychoanalytic lens, but the pragmatist in me says people probably didn't find it as interesting as I did.
I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7gE4BbB2R5DZY
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_giE4BbJ3RKFRN
Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553386395/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VhE4BbQ84219T
Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below
https://www.google.com/amp/s/markmanson.net/boundaries/amp
Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others
*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mrE4BbHBCFCS6
Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial.
...man, do I suck at boundaries!
[Time to cut your losses and move on.](He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys https://www.amazon.com/dp/141690977X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_wgLNybPRSJNBJ)
This group has helped me the most. What you have is called "FLEAS" - and it's because your personal operating system has been programmed by your parents. Getting rid of those maladjusted operating instructions starts with doing some research. For me, that started with 'CBT for Dummies' and the workbook that goes with it.
Also, this book really opened my eyes. It was my commute read for a month, and now I understand a lot more things about how I was programmed.
It takes time, but if you think of you family of origin as a cult, and understand your need to deprogram, it helps.
This may not 100% apply, but this book really helped me.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001AO0GD6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1
I'm considering sending this to the Virginia tech athletic department
Every time I see the friend zone argument I always remind everyone of the unattractive girl that doesn't qualify for a guy. If the friend zone exists for you poor fucks who cannot handle rejection, it exists for her too. There's a book called "he's just not that into you" for girls facing rejection because women deal with it too.
Boys, grow the fuck up, everyone deals with rejection, women too. Stop blaming people for not being attracted to you, it's happened to a girl about you, I promise you and they don't blame you, they blame themselves. A much more honest and painful realization than "fuck her for putting me in the friend zone."
How to be an adult and How to be an adult in relationships
I cannot believe how accurate "middleof michiganMP's" comments are. I am amazed at the clarity of description that he/she writes. I couldn't agree more. I witnessed it and I tried to change it. I questioned it and I was eventually a victim of it. We left, and few would speak to us. And of course the slant is that we were wrong. Narcissist personality disorder is accurate.
Read "wolves in sheep's clothing"
.https://www.amazon.com/dp/1935166301/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_bXu3AbPNBRRCC
Classic covert aggression. It does have to end. There are good people there. On the ground level of all cults there are always good and unsuspecting people that the leadership uses. It is so sad. So many people have left on bad terms. We have counted fifty for sure negative stories. There are soamy more. Some don't believe anymore. "Woe to anyone who causes one of these little ones to sin." Barry will answer for all of this someday. The interesting thing I remember is that, subtle as it might have been, Barry would entice you away from extended family and draw you to "body life". Any negative experience with extended family one shares with him becomes leverage, and he would "encourage" you to "consider" drawing closer to the "body". None of the leadership would really speak kindly of their families and conveniently, their families were somehow always less spiritual and a potential negative effect on your spiritual health. That is not okay nor healthy. Classic cult move. There is truly greener grass than Grace Church. Have courage, those of you who want out. God loves you and there are good churches. Although that pastor would have you believe there is no other good and Godly church, there are. Don't let him lure you back in with enticemts of leadership or visions of a great, "internship, ministry experience, summer extreme camping, planning a fun run, or mission trip to Myanmar". He is very good at what he does.
My mother, too, unfortunately. I got a lot of clarity on the 'emotional addict' idea from the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It was a really helpful and illuminating book.
Get yourself a copy of this book.
And this one.
They will change your life.
Someone recommended this book in a post a few weeks ago and I thought it looked interesting. Perhaps a book like this will help you better understand your parents?
Amazon link to "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
It does get better! I'm so sorry you're going through this. Internet hugs to you.
There's a really great book called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" that's about how to heal and deal with narcissistic mothers. I have one, can confirm it completely, utterly sucks. But hang in there until you can get out of there.
You sound very self aware even through your exhaustion - this is great! Please talk to your therapist about setting boundaries with your mother and friends. It can be very challenging to take on another task when you're already overwhelmed, but it is a very beneficial skill to have in every aspect of life.
If you don't feel that your therapist is helping, perhaps switching to another would be more beneficial, or talking to your doctor about medication.
Find some time to spend some time in low-stakes activities, like a simple walk by yourself, or doing some mindfulness exercises to give your brain a break.
You got this. Don't let the bastards get you down (but it's okay to cry about it). :)
People use "brain washing" too freely.
My opinion is, people are too ashamed and scared to admit their own weaknesses.
Let me give you an example;
Bill Clinton. People love the guy. But here's the thing, a ton of people very much dislike his politics.
I forget the exact quote, but one of those people said, "You hate Bill Clinton before you meet him and after he leaves, but while he's there talking to you, you like the guy."
People can blame Scientology all they like, but I think it's exactly what the name sounds like; it's the religion of science. And it uses the science that everyone claims isn't a science, psychology.
Having a degree in psychology, and having had more people than I can count tell me I "should have picked a real degree," I can't help but feel a guilty twinge of happiness when I see people say things like "Scientology brainwashes people!"
No; they're using psychological principles to make you not only accept and like any horse poo they spout, but they change your beliefs. Brain wash? Pfft. They're doing what Bill Clinton does in his interviews.
It actually helps them that you claim they're brainwashing people, because it keeps people from learning the science behind what they're really doing (which just so happens to be my "worthless" degree). Words like brainwashing might as well be the modern day word for "magic," because 99% of people don't actually know what that means, or how people really change other people's minds. Another modern-magical word is "hypnosis." Everyone knows the word, and people are like "Oooo, magic..." but again, 99% of people don't know what it is or how it works. There are literal "magic shows" that have hypnotists, and people call things like that "mental magic."
Calling it brain washing is basically telling 99% of people, "It's not your fault. You couldn't help it. They used magic on you!" And for the people saying they were brainwashed? You notice how they never give real details about what the people actually did to them to "make" them want it? They might as well be saying "They used voodoo on me! I couldn't stop myself!"
Well you can stop yourself, it wasn't "brainwashing," and people want what Scientology has to offer because they're using science to make people want it (like Bill Clinton can control an interview on a supposedly Republican television network, and manage to look good, and make it look like everyone there loves him and he's in control). Even if they crash and burn as a religion, which I doubt, they'll make a ton of money in marketing.
If you're interested in the science, I'd recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Master-Personal-Magnetism-ebook/dp/B005GSZZ24/
and
http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-Cialdini/dp/006124189X/
and
http://www.amazon.com/My-Voice-Will-Go-You/dp/0393301354/
and
http://www.amazon.com/Sleights-Mind-neuroscience-reveals-brains-ebook/dp/B003ZDNZYM/
Take this with a grain of salt because I'm about to recommend a book which I haven't yet read.
The press and some reviews for this book claim that it can be learned. Perhaps those who are "born with it" were really just raised in a way that those charismatic traits were more likely to be developed.
Anyway, I know thats not a great help but as I wondered this very thing a few days ago, my search led me to this book which I'm about to read. Hopefully my reply was not a total waste. Good luck!
I don't contest the idea that men are trained not to cry and women are allowed to. I simply contest the notion that this is because men are trained not to express their emotions, whereas women are. In my opinion, men are simply trained to express their emotions differently than women.
More to the point, I think men are trained to be more independent, whereas women are trained to be more interdependent. Thus, when men encounter a problem they do not feel they can solve, they get angry and express that suffering with angry outbursts, because their implicit understanding of their suffering is that it is their fault for not being able to find a solution on their own. By contrast, when women encounter a problem they cannot solve, they cry and/or seek help, because they are trained to construe their failure as evidence of lack of support.
The idea that men are trained not to cry because their pain and suffering is considered "weak" is a distinctly feminine construal of male psychology. If you look at men who go to other men as a means of support, you see them asking for advice, not emotional support (Google "Deborah Tannen" for an excellent summary of this phenomenon), because they value practical solutions over emotional support, because that fits with their belief that they ought to be able to generate their own solutions, rather than rely on other people for assistance. By contrast, women seek other women's emotional solidarity, because they are trained to believe that they cannot solve their own problems independently.
>Years ago, after I wrote that women are more likely than men to use indirectness when asking someone to do something, I received a letter explaining that indirectness is the norm in a context civilians mistakenly associate with barked orders: the military. The letter-writer said that he learned this lesson fresh out of boot camp in a class taught by an experienced Navy officer. Standing in front of the class, the officer said it was hot in the room. The students nodded. The officer said it again, and again the students failed to react. The officer then explained that when he said it was hot in the room, he expected them to do something about it. Then he said it again. This time the students got up and headed to the windows to correct the situation. This, the man wrote, was a lesson that served him well in his military career. The lesson, I’d say, was to listen for the metamessage in the words of a superior.
Really neat to get a linguist's perspective on this sort of stuff.
edit: If anyone hasn't read Tannen's seminal book You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation, I highly recommend it.
First off, this is primarily a relationship sub, but the theory is applicable to more than just relationships. There's a lot of male bonding going on here. There a lot of people here who have been pretty badly burned by SOs to the point of never wanting to fall in love again. There are others who are using this sub as a springboard to positive action (getting introverts to leave their shell). It's not all about women bashing. We all take different things from this sub. As with everything else, YMMV.
>I'm glad you gave me the benefit of the doubt. Although I'm certainly a feminist, I'm here not to 'troll', but because I find almost everything I read here to be extraordinarily incoherent and I'm trying to understand why someone would believe these things.
One of the major problems about Women understanding TRP, is we do not speak the same language. Men and women infer completely different things from the same conversation. Male conversations often deal with an inferred status and we can jockey for it constantly within a single conversation. Men focus on independence and competition rather than interdependence and communication (this is not to say those things aren’t valued). (For more on this read "You Just Don't Understand" by Deboarh Tannen )
The focus of TRP is about the exchange of knowledge. Knowing something or being able to fix something is fundamental notion of what masculinity is. When men have a problem, we seek a solution. Ironically, this is also a sticking point in many relationships. When women complain to men, they want sympathy. What they get are suggestions to a problem (not what they want) that leads to frustration on both sides.
So when we initially come to this sub, we aren’t looking for a shared point of view, we are looking for a solution to a problem. That problem is “I’m doing exactly what I’m told should make me happy, why am I not happy?”
This question is normally regarding (but not limited to) relationships and how some men have ridiculous success with women, while others have none. TRP is about explaining why this occurs. (i.e. What makes one man who has Dissocial Personality Disorder (a/n: not what I was looking for, but I can’t recall the correct term) more attractive than a man who is respectful, stable, and caring? Do his attributes define him, or do his choices?)
TRP is a process-driven method of thinking, where the results are dictated by the process you followed to obtain them. We cannot and do not expect the world to change simply because we want it to, so we are attempting to make lifestyle changes that will affect the outcomes of events and the way we perceive them. The thinking is “by emulating certain qualities of successful males (of which there are many definitions), I too can be successful in __.”
> If you wouldn't mind, could you please explain how confidence, humor and approach-ability spring from adopting the redpill mindset? Would you also agree that these qualities can exist entirely independently of the redpill mindset?
“Alpha” men are men that display qualities of leadership. While there are a number of different methods of leaderships, one who is alpha is likely to have some combination of confidence, courage, intelligence, humor, physical strength, charisma, and potentially sexual prowess as character traits. Someone that lacks most of these traits is typically termed a “beta” or a follower. The penultimate goal of TRP is to nurture the qualities of leadership in “betas” to become “alphas” by providing our own personal opinions and the steps we took in order to achieve this change.
While I will concede, these character traits can exist independently of the red pill mindset, we believe that they are a fundamental building block of our own personal ideal of what an “alpha” is. We believe that emphasizing “alpha” traits will give us the courage to overcome our fears and doubts to become the man we want to be. We believe that living a courageous life will bring us success. We believe that we can change the way the world looks by changing the way we look at the world.
What this is also means is being aware of the methods a woman can emotionally manipulate men and avoiding them. This is not to make the assumption that all women constantly do such things, but that they can. (I would like to believe that women also make other women aware of the methods that a man can take to emotionally manipulate a women and steps to avoid them, but it’s not my place to tell a woman how to be a woman)
> From what I've read, redpill seems to be about acting as though women were incapable of progressing beyond emotional adolescence, incapable of unconditional love, and susceptible to training in much the same way that a dog is. For the life of me I cannot see the connection between believing terrible shit like that and being approachable. I, for example, do not believe any of those things, and feel that I'm quite approachable.
There are a few parts to this question.
First off, what are you are citing are analogies to describe the kind of emotional “rock” the man needs to be. A woman will test the foundations of their relationship with a man what we call a “shit test” to judge his emotional stability. When you say “…women were incapable of progressing beyond emotional adolescence…” we mean “avoid little arguments. Focus on the bigger picture and don’t compromise your emotionally stability over petty squables”. When you say “women are…incapable of unconditional love” we mean “women are susceptible to doubts about a solid relationship. Seek to allay those doubts by treating the doubts themselves are inconsequential to the relationship, even if they are”. A man must be sure where a woman is unsure. You can’t anchor a boat on rocky seas to another boat on rocky seas.
As to the content of TRP, every man at some point has been emotionally manipulated by a woman to do something for them. Having a guy around who is “just friends” or has been “friend zoned” is a form of emotional manipulation because the relationship is inherently unequal (with mismatched desires) in which one side of the relationship uses the other for their benefit with no intention of providing any form of restitution. (We call this a “beta orbiter” or a beta male that constantly provides a specific woman with validation in the hope that she returns his affection.)
Most guys get rejected. They suffer alone. Silent. Wondering where they messed up. So when they realize that they were never viewed as relationship-worthy, they get pissed for being so naïve. I was one of them.
See, most of us were told by our mothers that being a "nice guy" would get us that great girl and let us be happy. If we read between the lines a little, what we were actually told was that manipulating the feelings of women would be the path to our own happiness. So we did. Doesn't that inherently make many "nice guys" into manipulative assholes? Of course it does, but it didn’t seem that way at the time.
The truth is it takes a ton of soul searching to figure out what you truly want and need, enough that very few people ever do it. Which means no one knows what they want and we wasted a lot of time listening to bad advice about how to give women what they want. It could have been much simpler if we were told “be a man that other women would like to experience the adventure of life with”.
So yes, there is some bad blood here in this sub. It's male bonding. It’s unavoidable in this sub.
Lastly, as a woman, not much in this sub applies to you. You don’t have to be approachable. You are approached. You choose who your ideal partner is. In that respect, women have the power of choice.
TRP is about getting great men out of their own way so they have a fighting chance to get a great woman.
It sounds like you're in therapy and taking meds. I would continue with this if it's working or work on finding something else that does (new meds, new therapist). You'll need even more support now than you did before. If you feel you're in a crisis, don't feel ashamed to call a suicide hotline or your therapist. This stuff is terribly tough to deal with and there is no shame in getting help. Be gentle with yourself.
By the way, if you didn't already know this, suicidal ideation is normal for those with trauma in their backgrounds and PTSD. I know this because I'm being treated for this myself. If your therapist doesn't have experience with trauma and PTSD specifically, you might want to find someone who does. There are specific treatments for this.
My therapist just gave me materials last week that say that people with trauma and PTSD symptoms tend to feel suicidal and hopeless, believe that it'll never get any better, and can be VERY pessimistic about the future (this is my experience exactly). Just know these thoughts and feelings are symptoms of PTSD and depression and are NOT true. You CAN take actions to make your life better.
As far as the relationship goes, it might be best to just accept that it's over and focus on yourself right now. It sounds like you have enough to deal with and a relationship is probably not the best thing to be in right now anyway. I wouldn't try to get him back as it sounds like he made it clear that he was done and this going back and forth business never seems to work out in the end. Even if you do get back together, some time apart might be best at this point.
I always recommend Getting Past Your Breakup to people as well as the author's blog (which I'm reading right now in fact). These resources helped me tremendously with my last breakup.
I also recommend books like Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook, which have helped me tremendously as well. If none of this appeals to you then know that there are many resources available and I'm sure you can find something that does.
Journaling those raw, painful emotions helps too. My first therapist told me to do this for years and I never did. I do now and just getting that shit out really DOES help. It helps if the journal is secure, like if you use a software journal there are ones with encryption. In Feeling Good he really pushes you to journal and do the exercises, and not just read the book. He also says that people tend to benefit from ANY act of self-help.
Anyway, I know this is tough stuff and probably more than most people could ever bear. It sounds like you've dealt with a lot so you're probably stronger than you realize. Good luck to you.
I've worked in a couple of Wall St. banks. Ponzi schemes and other, far more dirty tricks are symptomatic of the sort of people who rise through the ranks in an environment of huge monetary rewards and sexual benefits. Its a massive ego trip.
Sociopaths (and worse) rise to the top in such an environment because their behaviour is rewarded and encouraged. Its a well documented phenomenon:
Yes. I grew up in what could be called "childhood emotional neglect" by some. My parents had no clue how to engage with me emotionally and when I was very young I kind of subconsciously decided that meant I wasn't understandable or worth listening to. When I did try to bridge the gap and share personal information, it was almost like they weren't listening. This book really shed a lot of light and led me down a path of healing.
Edit: This sounds accusatory-- it's not their "fault", really. They just didn't and don't have the tools to really connect with people on an emotional level and it made a huge impact on my life.
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
The second has an unfortunate title to share with a parent but it’s really good insight into emotional development.
Very good article.
Part of it echoed what a book I have "Getting the Love You Want" had to say. Very interesting that our experiences in childhood cause us to select a similar type of partner.
I’m also doing this EQ workbook in conjunction. Emotional Intelligence 2.0
> And I also know that it isn't that he isn't into me, I know he is, but not ENOUGH to be thinking about me at random moments through the day.
Listen, you're kidding yourself. You say he travels a lot for work? You know the thing about that is it means he would spend a lot of time in airports and on airplanes (which, btw, have internet access now), so if you were a priority for him he has plenty of time to message you.
Read this book, it applies to SD's as much as any other men you are involved with.
You should get him these
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0199781559/ref=pd_aw_sbs_5?pi=SL500_SY115&simLd=1
^ this talks about how men became the stereotypical brawny man.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553386735/ref=pd_aw_sbs_4?pi=SL500_SY115&simLd=1
^ this talks about women's bodies and the changes they go through (I'm thinking of getting this for me)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1570628122/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?qid=1417541607&sr=8-3&pi=AC_SY200_QL40
^^^ especially this last one talks about how to have meaning fun relationships
My fiancé says: get him a dildo he'll be happy.
Read that book to start - it will help understand the core of the issue in a way that I simply cannot do justice to. After that, the most helpful advice I can offer is to purchase a book on being assertive. I bought "The Assertiveness Workbook". Those two in succession helped me more than anything else.
The most helpful thing for me was to read them, then read them a second time, but not act on anything in an overt manner at home until I had thoroughly ingested and assimilated all the info. I did practice at work, while out and about, etc.
I'm reading "Surviving a Borderline Parent," and so far so good. It's by one of the same authors as Stop Walking on Eggshells, but more geared towards children of BPD parents. It doesn't discuss NC but it's helping me understand myself better. I love "In Sheep's Clothing." I didn't understand why I related to this book so much. It's because it's based on a psychiatrist's work with felons in prison with personality disorders! He explains all the manipulation tactics they use and how to avoid them. Very empowering.
https://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301
As to the guilt, this is YOUR life and YOUR story. You own it and you have every right to speak your truth. That guilt you feel is just another manipulation tactic used to keep you from getting outside support and validation. Secrets keeps us in shame. Tell us your story! We want to know and we get it. :)
"THat's just how she is" is the clarion call of the enabler. When you hear that, GIANT RED ALARMS should be going through your head.
No, you DON'T have to learn how to deal with her- which is him asking you to enable her, roll over, and do what she wants.
I suggest your way of dealing with her is firm boundaries, calling her on her shit every time, never giving her a dime until she stops gambling, and making him read this book.
If you have escaped from your own N, then you understand how hard it is to see what's happening as abuse when you haven't woken up yet.
Your husband has been conditioned (and we all were by our Ns) to see her behavior as normal. As such, you can't talk your husband into seeing his mom as an N. He will have to come to that understanding in his own time, from him doing his own work, and it may take some kind of precipitating event for him to get there. This means that you railing against his mother is only going to pit you against her. And if he has not stood up for you yet when she has verbally abused you in front of him, then I would move forward expecting that he will continue to be a bystander.
Ideally your husband would intervene on your behalf because she's his mother, not yours. But if he won't, then you have to do it for yourself. Especially for your kids. Continuing to be around her will only model for them that it's okay for people to be verbally abused. So you will need to set those boundaries and expect to enforce them yourself.
Interestingly, standing your ground about how you should be treated and what your kids should be exposed to may result in the outcome you seek -- that your husband eventually sees his mother as the toxic person she is.
There is a really good book called Passionate Marriage that talks about partners exerting influence over each other -- not by trying to control your partner's behavior, but by making changes to yourself. Rather than continuing in the same old pattern, one partner responding differently forces the other partner to pay attention to the situation in a new way, and, over time, can result in introspection and change in that person.
For example -- you have decided that your kids should not be exposed to your mother-in-law anymore. You could try to argue to your husband about why this makes sense (re: all of what you posted), or you could decide that you will stop trying to convince him and instead set some boundaries that reflect your values (e.g. that your kids should have a healthy environment). Like /u/feverhead_coldhands said, this may evoke a variety of potential reactions from your husband. But if you stick with it, you get what you need (for both you and your kids, which is the primary aim here), but there is a secondary effect where your husband is now in a new position -- that of having to navigate his mother when she experiences boundary-setting.
There is no way to predict how this will go. Depending on how bad your husband's FLEAs are, he may end up siding with her. That would suck, but I have to be honest that it is a possible outcome. But he could also eventually start to internalize the message you are sending with your boundary -- that you and your kids deserve to be treated with respect. He may start questioning whether he's missing something re: his mom, if you have taken such (seemingly) drastic action. It may make him think.
This is a long-term process with no guarantees that your husband will eventually agree with you or even understand your reasoning. But regardless of the outcome with your husband, you will have done what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kids, and to model self-respect for them.
Best wishes with this situation. I can totally understand where you are coming from. The death-by-a-thousand-criticisms is real, but its toxicity can be so hard to explain.
So this reading suggestion is from the sidebar.
And also try Mating in Captivity
Relationships will always have ups and downs, but no, they don't have to go downhill.
Game changer
What things are you learning from you sex therapist?
A quick way to learn what is normal/healthy sex is by reading a crap load of books about it. I recommend Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch PhD. He talks about how we stress over things, and also the different reasons for sex (to be connected through intercourse and oral, or simply fucking for the sake of fucking).
I am sorry. This was probably the BEST advice given to me when I divorced and honestly it turned my life around into an amazing journey. So now, I share it with you because anyone going through a divorce should read this book. It helps, a lot! Buy it today and start reading. Leave everything in the past and keep moving forward. Today is a new day. The pen is in your hand and you write the outcome so make sure it's an amazing outcome. You can do it.
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You Paperback – May 5, 2009
by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284
Oh man yeah I agree.
For the longest time I thought it was only for people that were in immediate danger of suicide so I was scared to call for the longest time. I was having these thoughts ever since I was 8, but there's only been two times where I came close (8 and 16).
Ever since my breakup with my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years a couple weeks ago. The thoughts came back strong. I kept telling myself shit like "If I still feel this way by the time I'm 30 (I'm 26), I'm just going to end it" and a bunch of stuff in that vein. Therapist told me that I should never be afraid to call them if you feel like it'd be a benefit to you to. Because of my therapist, meditation, fitness, this book, and the suicide line I believe I'm in a better place now though.
Just keep that in mind that you should never be afraid to call. If you don't feel comfortable with your current person on the line, hang up and call again.
I feel like this advice could have benefited me a LOT seven years ago even though I wasn't at the immediate point of ending it.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0738213284/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_R136CbRW8EGJ9
Read this book. Get it ASAP. Promise it helps. I’ve used this book as almost a bible before. I carried it around and read parts I needed reminded of when I would think about talking to him/remembering the “good” times.
I would also recommend looking into your attachment style and how that has affected your relationship ships or need for them.
Best of luck to you!!! 🤘🏻💜
Without more details, or more communication between the two of you, this could be attributed to any number of things. First, it sounds like either one or both of you are young or inexperienced. This gives you a great opportunity to grow together, but it also means you may have to get some preconceived notions about "what sex is supposed to be like" out of your head and focus on the reality of what your sex life is currently like, and how you'd like it to improve. The two of you are going to have to sit down and talk if you want to get to the root of the problem.
A couple initial thoughts:
Finally, the important part is how you two approach it. If you can't talk, you'll need to decide how much being sexually unsatisfied is a factor in the future of your relationship. If he's defensive or refuses to have these sorts of conversations with you, that may be a red flag for you. On the other hand, if you try to force the topic on him or don't want to discuss it because you'd rather him just know what you want, you might not be getting the results you want because of your approach, not because of your incompatibility. Hopefully you two can communicate and grow together - good luck!
Another very pop-linguistics author is Deborah Tannen. You Just Don't Understand has made a cultural impact, I would say.
Yes! This is probably one of the most popular books on the subject. Haven't read it myself, but had a roommate at university try to talk to me about it endlessly. He was really moved by it, and I think anyone reading is a good thing, so I encouraged him.
It seems to be pick-up artist stuff. They have two components to their game: The outer game and the inner game.
The outer game is stuff such as pick-up lines, how to approach women, strategies to weed out boyfriends, etc. and the inner game is the psychological aspect of the game that helps you build self-confidence to grow a pair and approach women in real life.
While stoicism is probably the best inner game skills a pick-up artist could acquire, a serious stoic would never go hunting women because it's against their philosophy. What's the point hunting girls just to have sex? It's pointless.
I read Neil Strauss' The Game and most of the people seeking PUA lessons seemed to be missing a lot in their lives and were trying to cover it up with women so perhaps this article could be a good introduction for a better life for some people :)
Women have the same drive, but have been socially (and perhaps other forces as well) forced to restrain it because if they get pregnant, they are physically at risk, and then have many many years of requiring additional resources to raise a child.
Reliable birth control has thrown this out of whack somewhat, but there is still tens-of-thousand of years of nature/nurture forces at work that cause a woman to not go around acting on every impulse. In general.
Edit: I've made this comment before, and I like how it always gets downvoted, but never replied to, simply because people don't think it applies to them or something? Your life, male or female, is largely controlled by subconscious behaviors that have been shaped by tens-of-thousand of years. Here's another comment that says the same thing, but was upvoted (in a different, but related post): http://www.reddit.com/r/Economics/comments/1hinji/the_economics_of_slutshaming/cautnxo
And here are a couple of books that explain it all in more detail:
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Time-Power-Sexuality-Evolution/dp/0142004677/
http://www.amazon.com/Subliminal-Unconscious-Rules-Behavior-Vintage/dp/0307472256/
I am 15 months into my ongoing healing process from the greatest loss of my life, so I'd like to share some things I've learned:
Rushing into another relationship is unsound advice, and most likely to hurt you and the next person you prematurely involve yourself with.
The best thing I can tell you is that healing from a loss is not like getting a cut on your flesh, where there is consistent and predictable healing. If healing from a physical wound is a straight line, then healing from an emotional loss is a jagged, swirling journey, where you sometimes take one step forward and 10 steps back. Don't get frustrated by these setbacks--just understand that the timetable for healing is not set, and trust in the heart's ability to heal:
"When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical wound. Let the process happen. Trust the process. Surrender to it." --from "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"
Don't make any rash life-altering decisions, don't turn to drugs or alcohol (which only postpone or subvert healing), give to those who are less fortunate than you, and surround yourself with family and friends that love you unconditionally.
Here is a link to the book quoted above, which I wholeheartedly recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439
And another I'm in the midst of reading, which, so far, is also exceptional:
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284
This is a beautiful recounting of the Buddha's journey to understanding suffering:
http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Buddhas-Teaching-Transforming-Liberation/dp/0767903692/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1411858603&sr=8-1&keywords=heart+of+a+buddha
And this is a pocket book available for free from the Amida Society:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2040437.Heart_of_A_Buddha?from_search=true
For me, feeling her "fade away" from my memory was so hurtful that I would hold on to the pain to keep the memories fresh. That is not conducive to healing. What helped me was creating a document (I used Google Docs so I could update from anywhere), and whenever a sweet memory surfaced of something she did, said, or was, I would write it down. It provided a catharsis--like a treasure chest of everything she was. I no longer compulsively read it, but it is comforting to know it's there, and has definitely helped my healing process.
For the first six months of my loss, I could barely leave the house. Since I love movies, I started trying to find ones that contained people being kind to one another (they are very rare). They helped me in reconnecting to and believing in kindness again, and I found myself watching some of my favorites just to get myself to sleep at night. I compiled a few into an IMDb list:
http://www.imdb.com/list/ls056580941/
Take care of yourself
--D
Source: Losing my dear wife--the sweetest, kindest person I've ever known.
I did NOT want a divorce.
It was entirely unexpected - totally out of the blue - and I still do not understand what the hell happened.
We would have been celebrating our first wedding anniversary next Monday. I feel like I didn't even get a chance to be married before he bolted.
I lost 20 lbs. I broke out in hives all over my body. I didn't sleep for literally weeks, when I did sleep I would have nightmares. I cried so much my eyes were nearly swollen shut. It was trauma, plain and simple. I was a shell of myself. Its only been two months since and I am obviously still recovering from it.
But here is what finally broke through the noise in my head: a person who could do this to me - make me feel this way - is not a person I want in my life. He did horrible things to me. He lied, cheated, deceived, gaslit, etc. He destroyed my self esteem. I am disgusted with him as a human. I cannot imagine having to spend my life married to such a monster.
I know its hard to see your husband as an evil POS but that was the mental shift I had to make. I had to release entirely the idea that he was a "good guy" and accept that good guys do not do this. And once I really internalized that, it became clear that I was not in love with my husband anymore - because he was not a good person anymore. and once that happened, the emotion I felt most strongly was RELIEF. Relief that I am not stuck with a bad man anymore. Actual real gratitude that he left me.
The thing is, your husband isn't a good guy either. A good guy doesn't have affairs and he doesn't treat you like shit and he doesn't string you along. If you really get down to brass tacks, you will not want a person like that in your life.
Your kids will survive. I suggest this book as it has some good guidance for dealing with children. It says breakup but the authors own story is one of divorce.
This is the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284
My wife left last October and I felt the same way you do. Three months out I feel much better than when it started. Like others have said "it's time to work on you". Physical activity will help greatly. This book is helping me now. Hang in there. It does get better :)
Welcome fellow scapegoat! I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it really helped me.
Also head on over to r/raisedbynarcissists if you haven't already!
fun fact: you can enter a temporary psychopathic state if you become emotionally aroused enough (like rage, terror, depression, etc...). your cognitive ability deteriorates when this happens.
in this common context, when people say you're a fucking idiot, it's usually compelled by an emotional impulse and not reason. I'm honestly surprised most of us manage to type anything out when we're upset.
This is why we often say things we mean but quickly regret afterwards. That thing you felt and thought but never meant to say. In some cases, I expect some people to feel no regret and if anything... to feel completely justified. It depends on the context.
note: i'm just a regular person... i'm not a specialist or psychologist. i just find emotions really fascinating mainly because i'm terrible in social contexts and because i suffer from anxiety and depression. paul ekmans emotions revealed is an awesome (albeit dense) read.
fyi: i do get the joke, i just wanted to share this interesting information since this post made me think of it.
It's science: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smile#Duchenne_smiling
Paul Ekman has a really good book introducing you to emotions and their corresponding facial expressions, really interresting what you can learn to read in peoples faces. The series Lie to Me is based on his work.
http://www.amazon.com/Emotions-Revealed-Second-Recognizing-Communication/dp/0805083391/ref=la_B002FSXSVI_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381177004&sr=1-1
I recommend looking up a Gottman Institute trained therapist.
https://www.gottman.com/couples/private-therapy/
If you can't afford a therapist, the next best recommendation I've got is reading the book "Getting the Love You Want" with your partner, and working on the companion workbook together.
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486190971&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Workbook/dp/0743483677/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0743483677&pd_rd_r=GX0H9DX9YAZV3JX13G4R&pd_rd_w=YKmdS&pd_rd_wg=sUjob&psc=1&refRID=GX0H9DX9YAZV3JX13G4R
Paying back the money she invested in her PhD. is not sufficient by a long shot.
To OP: If this story is real, it is mind-boggling to me. I find it hard to believe that anyone can believe deleting their daughter's dissertation would somehow turn her away from what she believes. And even if it did, how could you ever be content with how she ended up having that belief? Don't you want your daughter to be able to make the right decisions for herself?
You violated her privacy, possibly robbed years of her life and perhaps (even worse) her ambition in a field she might really be passionate about.
The worst part of it all is that you think "she's overreacting and this is not a big deal"[*].
If I were you I would:
In short every shred of at least twice the amount of time my daughter spent on her dissertation would go into trying to minimize the damage I did.
I've never heard about a person so seemingly strong-willed and intelligent as your daughter who was brought up by such an ignorant and controlling father like you, it makes me hopeful for the human race. If there ever was such a thing as a miracle, this would be one.
Start thinking for yourself instead of (mis)using statements in a book that got written thousands of years ago by humans just as yourself in every context you see fit to justify your actions. Understanding that doesn't mean that there aren't necessarily any wise insights in the bible nor does not using the bible mean that you admit that there isn't a god.
----------------
[*] Which does not mean that I don't believe everybody makes poor decisions and is selfish to some degree at least some of the time, but the decision you made is so astonishingly poor and the ease with which you justify it is menacing.
It sounds like you are a very passive person. This is an issue that I have become aware of with my own behavior, and I am working to adress it. I HIGHLY reccomend this book about assertiveness.
I don't know your background, but a conservative christian environment certainly rewards and even enforces passive behavior.
Don't think that you are faulty person or something like that. Assertiveness is a skill that can be learned and cultivated. I have already noticed a big change in my life just from becoming aware of passive behaviors that I was defaulting to without even realizing it and working to counter them.
Required reading ;) http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1844678644
This is a great read too, and is written specifically for non-kinky guys whose partner is kinky. I'd start here: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
Anyways, I very much respect you for supporting her in this way! That takes a lot of strength. Jealousy is totally understandable - like the other poster said it may be beneficial to do some research into polyamory. This is not really what you have going on, but that community has a lot to say about how to deal with jealousy, talk to your partner, and communicate your needs to make sure the activities are building up your relationship and not tearing it down.
Anyways, the best thing you can do is what you're doing -- communicate with her, educate yourself. And remember, BDSM people are all about knowing their limits. You have limits too! There are certain things you may or may not be comfortable with, and you certainly have a right to set those limits as long as you've fully educated yourself in them and taken the time to try and understand them from her perspective. And who knows, BDSM encompasses a vast vast field of different activities. Maybe, while learning about BDSM, you'll run across something that piques your interest or you would be comfortable experimenting with. Most people are surprised to find out that something they're already doing is classified as a BDSM activity!
Right off the bat, "When Someone You Love is Kinky" is a book I would recommend, also here's some links that I found geared more towards the Christian belief system:
http://www.porn-free.org/BDSM_sadomasochism_bondage.htm
http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.ca/p/christian-kink-faq.html
http://www.lavendermagazine.com/uncategorized/christian-bdsm-christian-yes-vanilla-not-necessarily/
http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.ca/p/christian-bdsm.html
There's allot you can do with a simple Google Search, but if you want more "solid" resources then besides the bible you can check out some of the books I've posted on my BDSM Resource Collection.
Anyway good luck,
Cheers.
I was raised with similar messages: all strange men are trying to get in your pants, you can't trust them one bit, etc etc.
Funny how the people who have ACTUALLY been untrustworthy and tried to harm me were those who I knew and were close to me. In fact, some of the same people who warned me about what "all men" were like were the ones who took advantage the first chance they got.
The statistics bear out my experience - you are statistically much safer with strange men than with men you "know". You can never "know" who is safe and who isn't, you can only observe behaviors and learn which ones show disregard for other people.
Some books that really helped me because I can't afford therapy:
The Gift of Fear
In Sheep's Clothing
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men
While I was never in a relationship with anyone abusive or manipulative, reading these books helped me identify people whom I could have become more entangled with (professionally, platonically, romantically) and steered clear and thus avoided the ensuing dumpster fires. They made me much more confident in my ability to set appropriate boundaries and recognize when my boundaries were being violated, and that it was ok for me to call an end to any situation I didn't feel comfortable in. Just the knowledge that I could and would do so made me feel more comfortable.
I don't know if my rambling was in any way helpful, but really, do seek out resources in the form of therapy or self-help books. Getting out of an ingrained and destructive mindset is NOT EASY but it is so WORTH IT.
If you're up for some reading, go for Psychologist Paul Ekman. He's the guy that convinced the scientific world that emotions are not learned, but rather innate. It's called Emotions Revealed. It's basically a primer for all of the most basic and popular emotions, and even spotting them when people are trying to suppress it all. It should get you started. Sorry for not giving anything more direct.
For me I think I have a genetic thing or something about anger, as my dad will get some crazy rage episodes over simple things and it is the same with me. But who knows!
For example, the last rage episode all started because I stubbed my toe and my internet cord wouldn't reach my laptop and I just became so overfilled with anger that I felt afraid of myself after I had calmed down.
BUT, I have not had an 'episode' in quite a long time as when ever I feel the anger coming on I have learned to shift it and defuse it quickly. I think it is because I started reading and learning about what emotions really are and how they start and just learning about emotions and what not has helped me a lot (it also helped me with my depression a few months ago).
But you could always try learning more about your emotions on the scientific level and that could help you control them. You don't want to try and hide the emotions seeing as you dislike feeling them, you can't really pretend they aren't there. But you need to understand them, find the source, and stomp it out before it can ignite. At least, that is what I believe. I also am personally against medicine of any type (I won't even take meds to get rid of a cough unless it prevents me from sleeping) so learning is a nice alternative to those.
Oh and one of the books I read was this one even though it focuses mainly on identifying emotions on other peoples faces, it also will talk about the emotions in fair detail, although there are other books that you could probably find that would be more fitting.
So yeah, sorry for the wall of text and I hope you can solve whats going on with you. =)
Here are a couple of really good books:
If you do like the show Lie To Me, the main character is based on Dr. Paul Ekman, who wrote Emotions Revealed. He has a series of web-based trainings on his website:
http://www.paulekman.com/
My suggestion? Buy and read: "He's just not that into you." http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X
IDK if that's it, but he's saving himself for marriage ... and, so far, he hasn't made it clear it will be with you, right? You seem to be more ready for the next step than he is. Unless you want to continue as is for who knows how long, it's time to get real with his lack of effort. He's actually letting you know exactly how he feels, which some guys don't do. So be grateful. Don't worry about if you're a good gf. You deserve someone who can't wait to plan a future with you rather than putting you off. Google "he's just not that into me/you" there are lots of sites out there, too, that will help you figure out just where you stand.
Another good book: "Act like a lady, think like a man." http://www.amazon.com/Act-Like-Lady-Think-Relationships/dp/0061728985
edit: add 2nd book
They aren't textbooks, but they do have information to learn in them.
Here are a couple of things on my reading list:
Why People Die By Suicide by Thomas Joiner
How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg
Yes, absolutely, and I went through The Assertiveness Workbook with my psychologist.
Becoming more assertive helped me a lot. Before it sometimes didn't even occur to me that I could just say no without the sky falling. It was actually a major part of my therapy even though I went there due to drug abuse, major depression and anxiety.
Chav is overwhelmingly used as a punch down on the lower classes and people who live in social housing.
It's the same as "Trailer Trash", "Housos", "Gopnik". It's slang term overwhelmingly for lower classes, and I've heard Chav used against people simply for their "lower class" accent, they weren't in an adidas tracksuit committing crime.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Chavs-Demonization-Working-Owen-Jones/dp/1844678644
There is an entire fucking book about how Chav is used to demonise lower class people.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/WHEN-SOMEONE-YOU-LOVE-KINKY/dp/1890159239
Buy a copy of "When Someone You Love is Kinky", and keep it around for an emergency coming out: https://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.
The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.
As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.
Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.
If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:
You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.
You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.
The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).
If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.
Maybe get him a book, explain that maybe this isn't his thing but it a big part of what makes you tick.
Highlight the benefits of exploring less conventional fantasies, such as more sex and better sex for each of you.
How vanilla can he possibly be? what are his fantasies?
It was a process that started when I read the book linked below. You can simultaneously have healthy boundaries and care. You just understand what's your responsibility and what is not, and that it's OK to say "no". You stop taking on other people's responsibilities and burdens, both emotionally and physically. Those around you will be surprised and not happy when they start, for the first time, to hear you say no. (There are nifty ways to say no that soften the blow for example "I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me").
Being without healthy boundaries does not equal "being a good person" it just means you don't have healthy boundaries. For instance, you can't be a good parent without healthy boundaries.
https://www.amazon.ca/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
By the way, if you're going to try to develop boundaries you have to also learn the tactics that manipulators use to try to control you because those types will challenge your boundaries constantly. Eg: Guilt tripping or playing the victim. You see a lot of those two in progressive politics. We are now supposed to feel guilty for things that happened hundreds of years ago! LOL. ("Manipulator" is just a fancy word for bully). >>>>https://www.amazon.ca/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301
There are lots of boundaries books on the market.
here's a book about "disturbed characters". It helped me understand how some people act and gave some tools to use in defense of their selfishness
There are all kinds of resources available. Each of us finds different resources helpful in one way or another depending on our personalities, our parent's specific tendencies, and to some extent, I think the time that those resource comes into our lives.
Someone earlier mentioned r/raisedbynarcissists This group is extremely helpful. They can help de-code your mom's behavior for you just like we have been doing for you. They have a slightly different flavor/approach and you may find it meets your needs or it doesn't. Just NO MIL tends to deal with things in a more sarcastic or almost gallows humor way. Raised by narcissists tends to be a little more serious in my experience.
So with that being said: Here are some of my current favorites:
One of my favorites is actually for abusive men, but I read it trying to understand my abusive Sister-in-law, and it helped a lot. I keep going back to it to better understand both my family and in-law dynamics. Abuse is abuse, women just tend to do less overt physical abuse. here is a pdf version. Amazon has hard-copies for sale.
Another good book is Wolves in Sheep's Clothing I need to re-read this one as I have just started really understanding the bigger web that my family's abuse lives in.
Luke 17:3 is a good free resource aimed at daughter's of abusive parents. They have had a few articles that my husband has found to hit very close to home in understanding his family. While many of their articles are pretty secular and helpful in general, this website is specifically Christian. Any religion can be twisted to abuse, so depending on what your religious background is or is not, you may find it helpful to locate resources specific to how those teachings can be used to abuse people.
The important thing is to find and utilize the resources that are most helpful to you.
I know "read a book" is hardly a LPT, but this book could help you with your problem.
https://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301
Others have already mentioned the classics - always dating, negotiation, your life will change, etc...
Here's one that saved me personally: When my wife and I were still just shacked up and livin' in sin (like we used to say) we had no problem with working out anything important but we kept having fights over the stupidest stuff. Eventually I found a book on the different linguistic patterns of men and women - and how those differences were causing us to misunderstand each other, leading to fights.
30 years later the book's a classic and still in print: You Just Don't Understand
I was so excited when I discovered you can do a similar, but subtler, version with amazon! :D e.g.
You could choose to ban him for life under the "Conduct detrimental to the best interests of the game" clause.
>"it was the consciousness that gave rise to the brain and not vice versa."
I think you'd have a hard time finding any evolutionary biologists, evolutionary psychologists, neurologists, or any other scientists of a relevant field agreeing with this statement.
I have no doubt that consciousness will be fully understood in the future, but as of now there are some great books that deal with this subject. Subliminal by Leonard Mlodinow is a great example of a book that addresses our current understanding of the conscious and subconscious mind from a scientific perspective.
Yes, I lost all my friends when I became an atheist. It was the most psychologically devastating thing that ever happened to me, and I wasn't aware enough at the time to realize it. I had no idea how much I had taken my friend group for granted. It was simply "my life" and I didn't realize that they were all in it by choice, rather than it being some environment that I was somehow entitled to. And that's probably why I felt so betrayed and so hurt, and partially why I was so angry. Remember: anger is almost always a "secondary emotion". The primary emotion I felt was loss, and the way I expressed that emotion was anger. (Another one of my emotions was humiliation, for being duped for so long and ending up being wrong, and I expressed that, too, as anger.)
For me, it was not just "slow going", as you put it. There is no atheist analog for the community that Christianity has baked into it. This is the most compelling reason to be a Christian: if you want and crave that community that it provides. (Please don't pile on me, ex-Christians. I'm not trying to praise the abusive cult that many Christian "communities" are.) I tried in many ways to replace that sense of community that I lost. I even joined a UU church for a while, and ended up leaving because it was so political and that's not what I wanted.
So this is my advice to you. Find some hobbies that interest you, and that attract a group that meets regularly. Try to attend these meetings often and cultivate friendships with people who are kind, open, giving, and supportive. Stay away from religion and avoid discussing it. Your goal now isn't trying to become "closer to Christ" or "more Christ-like", but that doesn't mean there isn't room for self-improvement. All you have in this world is your life, and the limited number of seconds that you have left. Use it wisely! Make yourself better, and don't compete with anyone; instead, cooperate. The only person you need to compete with is "yesterday you". Try to be a better person than you were yesterday. Life is short, and the most fulfillment you're going to receive is going to be in the positive and affirming relationships that you cultivate. And you will have a better chance at making more of those happen if you are kind, open, giving, and supportive.
Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Asshole-Rule-Civilized-Workplace-Surviving/dp/0446698202/
I know that book is about "the workplace" but what it teaches is invaluable and applicable to your daily life. The greatest way to make your life better is not by finding good people, but by excluding all the bad people. The reason for this is because the damage that bad people can do is much stronger than the goodness that good people can do. Bad is stronger than good. This is a sad truth, but it is a truth nonetheless.
And keep talking to us. We are here for you. The sadness you are feeling is temporary. It gets better.
In fact, she was fired because John Doerr read Bob Sutton's bestselling book.
For DB: Michelle Wiener-Davis' The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide is a good starting point
For general sex stuff: The Good Girl's Guide To Bad Girl Sex: An Indespensible Guide to Pleasure and Seduction by Dr. Barbara Keesling and She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner are both excellent
Have you read Married Man's Sex Life Primer, How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You, 5 Love Languages and The Sex Starved Marriage ?
I have no idea how to convey the terror that is being in a sexless marriage. I question everything about myself and my life. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. If you had a magic button to push, I would GLADLY give you the contents of my bank accounts & 401k.
If you don't have any experience with this, I can't imagine that your advice will be that practical. My wife stiffens if I touch her. Do you understand?
Poor sexual rapport would be something that I'd like to attain, I'd liken our situation to ABYSMAL sexual rapport. Literally, she will speak to her mother our our daughter in a nicer tone of voice, or will hug & kiss them without a care the way I wish she'd do for me.
I have her issue. I want sex ALL THE TIME. My wife's sex drive was decimated by two pregnancies and 4 years later it's only now starting to recover. It really hurts to be on the receiving end. Yeah, she's hurting you back with the snide comments, but you ignoring this problem or believing it's all her fault will tear you two apart.
Go read The Sex-Starved Marriage to know how you're hurting her and ways to effectively communicate that you love her even though you don't want your dick in her pussy right this moment without hurting her feelings.
Recommendation: Read the sociopath next door.
Unfortunately, the answer, in the end, is to stay away from her as much as possible. Which means either she needs to move out or you do.
> It might seem like I'm just being dumb but after you've seen enough stuff like that from the same person you start to wonder if the barn door is properly closed.
Oh, no -- I agree with you. That guy just isn't right in the head. And sociopath might be just the thing that explains him.
Big oof, my dude.
Okay. If you're in Nigeria I don't know what your situation is. If you're in North America your parents may be doing things that Child Protective Services may want to get involved over. Speaking as someone who grew up with parents that were both abusive and religious, I'm going to recommend a book I don't flog as much normally. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents walks you through what is wrong, why it's wrong, and how to fix it. Keep in mind some of the advice is for people who have money and their independence; don't do anything that will come back at you.
But it teaches you about boundaries and what parents should do and what exactly is wrong when parents do terrible things. It helped me heal from serious shit. I recommend you give it a shot. As usual, I'll also recommend Mind Over Mood- but that's a skill-building book and I think you might benefit more from the "here's what the situation is" of the Adult Children book.
For what it's worth, I believe in you and I think you're a good person who deserves to be happy.
Written by an ACON:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00HJBMDXK
Fluffy but useful:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00TZE87S4
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0425273539
Implementation details:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0753806703
Together, the above have helped me establish that a lot of my behaviour and painful experiences until the recent past were essentially the fight-or-flight system being triggered by stimuli related to fear conditioning. The painful memories are indelible, but the cortex can train the amygdala to "hold-your-fire" enough of the time that life can be enjoyable and rewarding, even though there will still be times when the cortex is too tired/weak to keep things under total control - but even then, it's possible to "just sit with the pain" and accept it, rather than try to avoid it and cause more problems. Good luck!
Yes! And I definitely think seeking help (however that looks for you - books, support group like RBN, therapy) can make the difference between continuing the cycle and breaking it.)
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists
\^I've read the first and am reading the second now. I'd recommend both!
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - I think mormon parents struggle almost universally with emotional maturity and manipulation, which I think this book addresses really well.
All About Love - Bell Hooks - Amazing. You won't regret reading any of this, especially if finding and understanding love is something you're interested in.
Anything by Brene Brown, but especially Daring Greatly and Gifts of Imperfection. Nobody does vulnerability and shame like Brene Brown, and I think us exmos really struggle with those things.
Prometheus Rising - Robert Anton Wilson
Bullshit Jobs - David Graeber
The Failure of Nonviolence - Peter Gelderloos
The Revolution of Everyday Life
Curse Your Boss, Hex the State, Take Back the World - Incredibly interesting take on history, spirituality, and what is to be done.
Also, for your own good, stay away from Jordan Peterson and Eckhart Tolle. You can get all the benefits of their books and none of the garbage in better places.
Good luck!
I think I may have some insight to offer. I know this is a touchy subject, but this video and this book can tell you how to do what you want to do. The problem is that they are both long and boring, and I don't think you love him enough to sit through them and absorb the message.
You could try passing them on to him to see if he loves you enough to watch and read them.
Try anything written by Paul Eckman. He's one of today's leading experts in these sorts of things, and he pioneered the discovery and research on "microexpressions", which are facial expressions that last 1/25th to 1/15th of a second and are key to deciphering many strong human emotions. I've read both this book and this book that he's written on the subject and found them fascinating.
That's a great talk. Another resource that has helped me tremendously are the books of Paul Ekman specifically Emotions Revealed. It's a great primer on the basic human emotions and facial expressions that reflect them. Reading this book really helped my ability to read people (that and the computer training tool that you can buy to go along with it). Definitely recommend it.
It doesn't just get better, it actually gets really good if you do the work that this experience requires survivors to do. My tip, use this time of grief to learn everything about the nature of what you experienced, and the way your abusive upbringing primed you to be food for borderlines and cluster Bs. Often, your sense of what is "normal" and "familiar" depends a lot on what you subconsciously normalized while growing up, even if your functional parent, your dad, took over at a later stage. The fact that you were able to send your abusers to f*ck off means that you have fire in your belly, and you should not waste it.
For the repetition compulsion of childhood abuse, and how to stop it, I suggest you to read the book "Getting the love you want" by Hendrix:
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001
Technically it is a guide for couples in crisis, but it contains enlightening infos on the chemistry that brings people together, and why it is so dangerous, if you come from a history of childhood abuse.
I'm reading "Getting the love you want" and it's changed the way I look at relationships and why we choose the people we choose. I can't recommend it enough: https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001
​
Also, The Book of Life by The School of Life is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and others. This website changed my life: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/?index
​
Best of luck to all of you!
Be patient with yourself, and him, but don't be afraid to set limits and boundaries, either. Dunno where you are at in the pregnancy, but it's okay to say, "I need to know about X by week 12 so that I can make decisions," or whatever.
How you guys communicate with each other is really important, too; I'd recommend looking up some books that are about communicating. This one is online and is the same clinic my husband I went through therapy with a few years ago, and we still use the techniques:
http://www.slideshare.net/24lindsey/microsoft-word-your-partner-maledoc
I'd also recommend this book - my husband and I worked through this one also on our own. It has some background info that can help you understand your partner and also offers specific exercises you guys can do together (or just you) that will help you figure out your goals. Fair warning though, there is some religious talk in this one; I was able to ignore it since I'm not religious, but if you aren't, you may want to find a different one.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001
I have some more books that I personally like:
Influence: https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-Cialdini/dp/006124189X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467738215&sr=8-1&keywords=influence
What everybody is saying: https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467738244&sr=8-1&keywords=body+language
Body Language: https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1467738244&sr=8-4&keywords=body+language
Emotional intelligence:
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625/ref=sr_1_sc_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1467738330&sr=8-2-spell&keywords=emtionall+intelligence
Hello there! I recently started cooking (never really did it before) and I'm LOVING it! Trying new dishes for dinner makes me super happy (especially when they come out yummy. There are those that come not so great, but, eh, practice)!
The best thing under $15 would Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry, Jean Greaves (Hardcover). Reading is always great!
Some basic recommendations:
https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8
https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&linkId=bd2c9af18031113249e398f82105631e&tag=mysoccom-20
Understanding body language is extremely important. Being able to read other people will give you a tremendous advantage in communication. It can also help you to police your own body language so you're not doing stuff that puts people off, and also so that you communicate in ways that makes them feel comfortable.
As for direct communication... Honestly, I learned most of that from a very good teacher of speech (as in, giving speeches) and from a friend who is quite ugly but does extremely well with women. Self-perception is a lot more important than people think. How you perceive yourself translates into you how present yourself. That takes more work, of course, but knowing this is a good place to start with that.
I also got a great deal from a book on emotional intelligence, but I can't remember what it was called and it was a library loan, so I don't even have it on my bookself to look it up. But I'd say look for books on that topic, as well. I did a quick look and found this one is highly recommended:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0974320625/ref=sspa_dk_detail_1?psc=1
As for websites, there's a lot out there. I'd just Google and see what strikes your fancy.
Good luck with it. In my personal estimation, the body language was the single most helpful thing I've studied. I use it constantly now, and it's just second nature to "read" people.
This book is a good introduction to emotional intelligence
Emotional Intelligence 2.0: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625/ref=sr_1_3?crid=2HFWA26F1J87Z&keywords=emotional+intelligence+2.0&qid=1572892064&sprefix=emotional+int%2Caps%2C206&sr=8-3
Absolutely one of the best reads when it comes to interacting with others and dealing with your emotions.
I haven't read, but have heard a lot of good things about Emotional Intelligence 2.0.
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370527020&sr=1-1&keywords=he%27s+just+not+that+into+you
Maybe DH needs a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You".
mmmhmmm
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X/ref=asc_df_141690977X/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312057360383&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16246527305909869623&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9016139&hvtargid=pla-436583294301&psc=1
>edit Well, everyone is either down-voting this post for some reason or saying the same thing: "Just ask him out!". Even though I specifically said I didn't want to have to ask him out. I mean, I'll do it (eventually) but... wow. Down-votes and advice I specifically asked not to receive. Great. Helped a lot. Sigh.
"Dear AskReddit,
I have a giant lump growing out of my face. Any advice? And please don't tell me to go see a doctor. I know it's obviously the right answer, but I personally see myself as too good to go to a doctor, and don't want to hear people pointing out what a wrongheaded point of view that is.
Thanks!"
>he just shrugged and said he could use his AAA card to get a tow-truck for me.
That line pretty much sums it up, so yeah...
If you want anything to come of this crush, you're going to have to take the initiative.
Just sayin'.
No problem. Here is a link to the book:
https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful/dp/1570628122
I can totally relate to what you're feeling. The sense of loss that a person I had known for 20 years ended up doing something so terrible and in such a hurtful and torrid way has been the hardest part. The trick is to name what is making you sad (angry or afraid) -- not just the divorce and not just the betrayal but your loss of companionship, or intimacy or just knowing that the person you loved was someone else -- or never even existed. For me its mourning the realization that I projected an idealized version of my STBXW onto the person she really was and fooled myself. I'm grieving not just the loss of that person but the realization that there never was such a person.
Once you can name it you can start to grieve it. The author of the book describes the process of being present in the hole of your loss. In time it will be a portal to some kind of self discovery. I can testify that such a process does start to happen. To me, the revelation that she wasn't ever who I thought she was and that I was fooling myself was a real wake up call.
I now see myself doing the same thing over and over in my life -- feeling a need to make my projects at work or my friendships more significant than they really are. I haven't turned the hole into a portal yet but I'm starting to see that the grief work leads to personal discovery -- I discovered something about myself and am using it to identify my shortcomings.
When I talk with my shrink it makes the sessions far more valuable. I'm prone to idealize things, what tools can I use to catch myself in the act and stop transferring my issues onto the people and things in my life.
I'm sorry you're in the spot you are but nothing can change what happened. You can use this groundless broken moment in your life to see yourself in a new light and rebuild your life with a better knowledge of yourself. That's a blessing -- even if its a blessing you'd rather not have.
A noble mission that we share. I've probably given out 10 copies of How to Be an Adult in Relationships, which I've found to be an easy to understand and helpful model for what a healthy relationship looks like. I'm in one now, and if I had known that a relationship doesn't have to be maddening labyrinth of excrement, I would have gotten out of the dysfunctional one pretty early. I even gave a copy to my cousin for her wedding present.
This is going to sound really corny & self-helpy (yea, I made it a word) - How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo. It is not at all your typical "self-help" book despite the instructional sounding title. It is a blend of psychology and mindfulness teachings that give tremendous insight into the nature of relationships.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Adult-Relationships-Mindful-Loving/dp/1570628122
I hear you :) It hurts. I know you are strong enough to be true to yourself.
And to answer your question:
I stopped recognizing myself. I became so anxious, and jealous that one time I became dizzy, and almost fainted from the extreme emotions that were coursing through my body, when I was confronting a woman my (ex)boyfriend was cheating on me with. (Whoa... That was kinda intense to write! Looking back, it seems wild that I was in that kind of state... But, like I said, I stopped recognizing myself) I was so angry. I eventually realized months later, after a night of begging him to stay with me that I had a say in this, too. He wasn't the only one who could make decisions in this relationship, and this wasn't working for me. I let him go. I remember laughing, and crying as I walked along the beach. "I don't have to fight anymore.. I don't have to fight anymore..." Best feeling ever. Seriously. :)
The strength I draw on comes from self love, and self respect. I've always tried to treat my loved ones with the utmost care, and I sense from the way you have described your situation that you do the same. Like you just want everyone to be taken care of, and happy. Yet, why did I not count myself amongst my most loved, and cherished? If I am exhausted, and frail from taking everyone else's needs into account but my own, I am actually going to end up helping no one. Simply because I am too exhausted.
An absolutely amazing book on healthy relationship building, that I would highly recommend is called: How to be an adult in relationships. I'll give you three guesses what it's about? ;)
I wish you so much strength!
Any possibilities with alcohol abuse on her part? My ex would turn away from kisses so that I could not smell the wine on her breath, she also kept general intimacy at bay for the same reasons.
I suggest focusing on yourself for a bit in order to pull it together. get a counselor for yourself first. You need to turn that porn addiction into a running addiction or something like that. Best bet is self improvement mentally and physically and then work in some couples counseling after you have had a few sessions yourself.
Here are a couple of book suggestions:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful/dp/1570628122/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369773610&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+be+an+adult+in+relationships
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369773641&sr=1-1&keywords=the+five+love+languages
You and her should take the online 5 Love Languages test today, have that handy for your first session with the counselor.
This question is too vague to answer.
That said, the book:
How to be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving
has been a very helpful text for me. It has a snarky title, but it's a very useful book.
Hey Ladies!
So there's a couple of books I'd like to share. For me personally, continuing to look at deep issues in my life is helping me as I search for my Ms. Right. I, too, am still looking. I like these books because they help me clarify what I'm looking for.
And, cause I'm safety girl, the last recommendation (the de Becker book) is a great one about trusting our intuition, about assessing human behavior and predicting what someone might do. I wish that one was required reading, heh, cause I feel we all could benefit from reading it.
Richo, How to Be an Adult An amazing book on setting boundaries, caring for one's self. I totally bristled at the title at first, but this stuff is really great. Richo takes a Buddhist/Jungian/integration perspective that I feel I have been searching for my entire life, fwiw. Which brings me to my next recommendation:
Richo, How to Be an Adult in Relationships Enough said, it's a great book.
de Becker, The Gift of Fear de Becker is an expert in security--another list of ways we can learn to trust our intuitions, our "gut" to keep ourselves safe.
How I carry myself, my inner life, really affects what happens in my environment, I feel. For example, I totally flirted with a hot girl on a bicycle the other day--she stopped and came back to talk to me! I felt like a million bucks. However, I got skeered and didn't ask for her number (doh!). My "excuse" is that she looked about 22 (and I'm 34, perhaps a bit too much of an age gap for me). But damn, it felt good.
As an introvert, it can be difficult to "turn it on" and be outward-directed and friendly to people, but it's getting easier with practice. And I have a beautiful lambda necklace I like to wear sometimes, to hopefully signal my sapphic nature to the ladies. ;)
Books are good, but action is better. why not use both to work on your assertiveness skills? dont just read it, force yourself to practice the exercises in real life. Your world will change in a few weeks.
http://www.amazon.com/Assertiveness-Workbook-Express-Yourself-Relationships/dp/1572242094
Jos aihe kiinnostaa niin tästä kirjasta voi olla apua. Yksin ei silti kannata jäädä noita ongelmia vatvomaan pelkän selfhelp opuksen turvin. Terapeutin avulla saa paljon tehokkaampia tuloksia.
thank you so much for your comments really insightful and I can see how your sensitivity accentuates and shows in your writing.
I've had a similar situation, I can better deal with my mom now and learned to be more assertive though I can alternate between passive and aggressive communication. It was walking on egg shells with my father as he has an abusive personality and unstable emotion.
with friends that are similarly aggressive, for some reason I have more difficulty with, could be a comfort thing
---
if anyone wants to learn more about assertiveness I would recommend checking out Randy J Paterson's - The Assertiveness Workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572242094/
or check out these free sources for CBT tailored self therapy guides
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51 (assertiveness guide)
There are lots of tips and tricks online, but if you're interested in reading a book on assertiveness, this one has a great research base behind it and is relatively inexpensive.
In short, rich people are responsible for poverty through government and industry policy, then they convince us all the fault actually lies with poor people for being poor and not sorting it out themselves. For further reading: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Chavs-Demonization-Working-Owen-Jones/dp/1844678644
Just finished Caitlin Moran's "How to be a Woman" which I loved, going to get stuck in to "Chavs: The Demonization of the Working Class" over the weekend.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Chavs-The-Demonization-Working-Class/dp/1844678644/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346952718&sr=8-1 it's nothing new. It's part of the culture now that people think everyone who receives benefits is some sort of lazy, anti-social layabout. It's quite frankly disgusting
Highly recommend: When Someone You Love Is Kinky
I'd also suggest When someone you love is kinky by the same author of The Topping Book.
I'm getting this book...should arrive today.
https://www.amazon.ca/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
How did it come up that the bruises were from him? Is it still possible to play it off as you got bruised working out / wrestling / moving furniture / anything non BDSM?
If it's not possible to rectify the situation, give your mom some time to breath. She's reacting instinctively at this point, and needs time to get back to being rational.
There's a book I've never read, but heard good things about, called When Someone You Love Is Kinky. It might be worthwhile for you to read that, and share parts of it with your mom once she's willing to talk.
Finally, the best way to prove to your mom that you're okay and healthy is to live your life. Be happy, be healthy, move towards your life goals and be a good person.
> Should I bring this up in a non sexual setting or just gently give it a try in bed and see how he responds?
I'd recommend talking about it ahead of time. I think it's important to have informed consent, and he may have issues that would throw him for a loop if you did it and he was unprepared. It's unlikely, but it's possible. I think your explanation is good.
I'm not sure from your post if you're aware that there's a huge set of people in the kink community who have D/s relationships where they have a daddy-daughter (or, less common, but still sometimes mommy-son) type dynamic.
I bring this up because you may want to think about if just using the words is enough for you; will you, if he says yes, and it feels really good, want to take things a step further, perhaps asking him to discipline you if you're "bad" (whether that's strictly in the bedroom or you want it outside of that), etc?
http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky/dp/1890159239
You could also point toward Dan Savage's columns on "GGG", and I'd certainly think about, and be ready to talk to your SO about how much you "need" this in your sex life. (I've been here, so one of the questions that WILL come up will be the question of if you can enjoy sex with them without it; could you do that forever, or could you do equal time/etc.)
Keep in mind also that some people, depending on upbringing and exposure, might initially have really shocked/repulsed reactions for reasons related to their socialization, but ultimately wind up being very open.
You may want to look into the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky".
I haven't read it, but I will caution that despite writing a number of popular, well-known books Hardy and Easton can be difficult to relate to. They wrote some significant books when they were essentially the only ones writing them, so that attracted a lot of attention. But now they're covering the same topics from the perspective of being queer, upper-middle class Baby Boomers from the Bay Area. Even before you get into personal attitudes (e.g. they tend to be rather spiritual and focus a lot on issues of identity) that's something that a lot of us just aren't going to be able to relate to. And I say that as a mid-thirties kinky San Francisco resident from an upper-middle class background. However, if you take it from a non-dogmatic viewpoint (something that they're actually not always good about themselves, I find they generalize a lot) you might be able to get some good advice about how to handle things.
Really, that's one of the best pieces of advice. BDSM is awash with people stating personal preferences as absolutes. Get a lot of advice from numerous sources and figure out what does and doesn't work for you.
One thing I'm not seeing people talking about here is what you're into. What are your sexual desires and fantasies? Before you can start to focus on someone else's you really need to be in touch with your own. How would you expect to handle a situation where one of them doesn't align with your wife's? For example, the incredibly common male fantasy of a threesome with two women. If your wife isn't interested in women that's probably going to be a bit of a non-starter and it's not like someone can just change their sexual preferences to suit their partner's interests. How would you handle that? How much of your own desires or wants is appropriate to suppress in order to get along with your partner? How essential are those views to you? There aren't many easy answers here, but a lot of personal reflection and understanding. This is something you'll have to each figure out alone and then discuss together.
> Please help me understand what I need to change!
Your outlook on the situation. Why is it that the first thing that you jump to is that there's a problem with you? Sure it's conditioned into us from birth, but you should really break that cycle. Tell your jerk brain to stop it already.
> This was after almost two months of him assuring me that everything was fine and that my trust was well placed.
That's a pretty big red flag that you knew something wasn't right. Your instincts knew it. And instead of listening to your instincts, you took him at has word. That's never a good idea.
> This is not the first time that I have met a really nice wonderful guy only to have them turn out to have serious baggage that they want my help with.
Then stop helping. There's a rather large difference between being emotionally supportive and a doormat. The Nice Girl Syndrome is an excellent book that I highly suggest.
> My boyfriend before him cheated on me with his ex and manipulated me emotionally.
That doesn't sound like a "nice and wonderful guy." Sounds like you are lucky to be out of that one. The book In Sheep's Clothing is excellent at explaining the common manipulation techniques so you can see the red flags early.
> The one before that claimed he didn't know how to handle me since I wanted more than just to be some girl he took on dates.
Which is asshole speak for "we want different things out of this relationship", putting the blame onto you and you listening to him. There is nothing wrong with wanting something more and there is nothing wrong with not wanting something more. You two just weren't compatible.
> Finding someone who wants an honest connection with me and won't lie about how he feels has been one of my hardest ongoing struggles.
Sadly, this is a common struggle. Some people believe that the only way to get what they want is to pretend to want to give you what you want. I find it bit easier if you pay attention to actions instead of words. Words are easy, but actions take a lot of effort to lie with.
> How do I know who to trust?
Experience. Learning and being able to spot red flags. Trust is something that is earned not just handed over blindly.
I've learned to view my emotions as a separate thing, apart from my mind. They do what they do. I only get to experience them (the heart mind). It took me a long time to get to this point as I was pretty good at rationalizing whatever I felt (which made me miserable in the long run and I couldn't figure out why I was so miserable). It sounds like you're well on your way to that point though.
As for learning how to strike a balance between asserting yourself vs accepting situations, it's entirely up to you. That's the warriors way. I can only tell you what has helped me. I read Wolf in Sheeps Clothing and it has helped me understand that I have just as much right to go after what I want as everyone else. It's ok for me to try to get what I want/need but only as long as I'm being straight forward and not manipulating or forcing others.
On an unrelated note, I'm going to OmFloatSpa again this Sunday :)
I think the best place you can start is educating yourself? The only way to know "for sure" is with a formal diagnosis. It's also the only suggested way to confirm it. Laymen just aren't capable. I think it's important to understand there is a difference between having a higher level of narcissism, and being NPD.
This is a book I got when I was better trying to understand my experience, I'm like your ex. Not sure if I'm an empathy, but I'm definitely here to try to understand and be more empathetic to NPD's in a way.
It really helped, maybe it could help you too! https://www.amazon.ca/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=in+sheep%27s+clothing&qid=1573032957&sr=8-1
In terms of fixing things, the best advice I can give is don't. Don't try to fix yourself. Maybe try to become accepting of yourself first. You can't change your personality, but maybe by accepting yourself, and your behavior it can be a starting off point to change behaviors in yourself YOU'D like to see yourself no longer do, or do differently. There's nothing wrong with being your own person, so starting off with who you want to be and now with how you think the world feels you should be might be a good starting point? Good luck!
> how have you handled situations where your SO said something hurtful while she was upset?
After she calms down, I ask her what she meant and we talk about it then. Cruel things, said in the heat of passion, can't be taken back. But you can talk them to death. Stay away from declarative denunciations (such as your example of divorced parents) and stick to a recipe like "when you say X, I feel Y". This way it stops being confrontational and lets you process the feelings and focus on what was said/meant.
The book you refer to is pretty bad. Much better books that discuss gendered communication are You Just Don't Understand, That's Not What I Meant and many of the books in Elgin's series of books with Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense in the title.
If you think that you are being emotionally/verbally abused, Suzette Haden Elgin has a few other books covering that, like You Can't Say That To Me and How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable. Additionally, read Emotional Vampires and In Sheep's Clothing.
I have anxiety also, and therapy did help. A book my therapist recommended that helped me was this one:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_hRYFAbQ5FSRX5
N parents bring out your worst fears and worries about every action you take. It really drilled me into trying to be perfect or concerned about every choice and spoken word. After awhile it becomes a passive, but constantly “on” state of fight or flight. Relearning how to process your thoughts and be in the present is difficult, but it’s possible.
Another book that helped me:
The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution https://www.amazon.com/dp/160623918X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_oTYFAbH4HEHMW
I am not perfect, but these tools helped me deal with the situation and understand myself and my N mom better.
Wish you the best. 🤞
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. To have no narcissistic qualities would indicate a lack of desire to live, since some self interest is necessary to survival, though not a lot. You can have narcissistic features and be a long shot from qualifying as narcissistic.
You are terrified of hurting other people like your dad hurt you, to the point of ignoring your own needs and apologizing for having your own interests. This is not a sign you are a narcissist. It is a sign you have a deep injury from your father and need healing.
Many of us form new relationships that are based off the most harmful parental relationship we have, with problems mirroring those unsolved problems from our past. I would suggest you take a deep, long look. Is this boyfriend really good for you? Or are you playing out the unresolved traumas from the past?
I know you say it is your father who is the one with narcissism from your parents, but a book I can really recommend is Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Written for daughters with nmothers. It is powerfully worded and can be reassuring for those of us struggling with what you are struggling with. You are not your narc parent. I don't want to minimize any of your emotions because I don't want to limit any growth you have to do proffer you false reassurances, either, but just the fact that you fear becoming like him is a good sign you aren't, and that you won't. Just keep moving forward in the same direction.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
It's really hard to recover from this kind of upbringing, but it can be managed. Originally I typed "done" rather than "managed", but you're never really "done". You have to work at it until whatever coping mechanisms you develop become almost as second nature as the anger. That being said, without medication, anger is almost always faster than my best self management tactic. Then of course you have to deal with the stigma of needing medication.
You almost have to think of yourself as a phoenix, a new you slowly emerging from a pile of ashes. The constant mindfulness of one's mental state is exhausting and frustrating in of itself.
Here's a couple of resources I found helpful:
http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anger.asp
and
This one is for daughters of narcissistic women, but I'd imagine some of the relationship dynamics are the same for sons as well. Maybe you'll find some other books more suited to you.
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394817598&sr=1-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough
I wish you luck, personal fulfillment, economic prosperity and a healed spirit.
It's better, but does not fix everything. I went NC in April and had to save up enough to go to therapist, but finally went to therapist in Nov. The combination of NC and therapy is good. I also read (even though we're both sons I found it useful, especially the stuff about the smothering motther and the letting go of wanting a mother and parenting yourself: http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B001AO0GD6/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
so, with the NC and the work on myself, NC has been great. My nmom still tries to call, write, etc...because if I'm not around, it may look like she's not a good mom, which she isnt', but she too concerned about the look of it than actually doing anywork in getting to know me. So, yeah, also I'm convinced (maybe it's fleas) but having a narc parent (whether you are GC/SG/mixed) lead to c-PTSD which manifests in depression/anxiety. It seems like a lot of poeple here (myself) included suffer from that. I've been doing some reading about c-ptsd and that treatmetn may be different than depression/anxiety--anyway, I digress--I should make a post about that. Good luck, post here, and PM me if you want (if we're both sons of a covert Nmom). maybe start a smaller support group? but, the more I read on here, I'm not sure if it matters if you are m/f/t--ACON is messed up!! LOL :-)
Check this book out.
And do the exercises.
It is absolutely meaningless. I finished law school in 2011, made no friends, I am now happy and successful.
The only downside is that it does help to "network," depending on what you will be doing after you graduate.
Read this book, it will help you "fake it till you make it": http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005GSZZ24?btkr=1
> It's no accident that women report on surveys that they have the best talks with their partners under three conditions: on the phone (they don't see him piddling around to reduce his excess arousal)
This is what makes me dread going from a long distance relationship to living with my SO. I am a pretty good listener, and I do pay attention to her. But that's because right now I have the space to do stuff other than just sit there and be awkward as fuck. This will obviously change when I live with her and she's going to feel slighted because I'm not giving her my undivided attention.
I read a book earlier this year/end of last year: "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen. This book also reflected my experiences as a man pretty well by saying that boys grow up in a hierarchical culture of masculinity. The way we navigate our world is based on somehow getting on top or positioning ourselves as some sort of authority. But, and this is the kicker, this is how we bond with other men. When these same tactics are applied to our interpersonal relationships with women, they don't "translate" because women grow up in a completely different feminine culture with it's own set of rules. ("Why can't you ever listen to me" doesn't mean just listen to them, for example).
Anyway, I think a large part of why feminism doesn't appeal to men is because feminism is for women. I know, that seems tautological, but I mean, feminism is for women in terms of how women approach the world. Tannen's book and your book suggest to me that "Meninism" needs an entirely different approach that takes into account feminist critiques of men's behavior. Hierarchy is important to boys and men. And what that means materially, I think, is where we can make some huge strides in terms of addressing our problems as boys and men.
It's less of a self-help book than it is a popular and very practical adaptation of an academic work (by the same author, who is qualified in her field). I strongly suggest you read the whole thing.
>Now I'm doing a lot to improve myself (working out, stopped smoking, dieting, new hobbies)
Good work! Keep this up. The Game in addition to a couple of really good friends who coached me through it changed my life. I learned a lot about myself, and about the opposite sex. I'd recommend it to anyone having relationship troubles (women and men alike).
>I still feel this dread like I'm not going to find another girl that I'll click with.
Absolutely a legitimate fear. No one wants to die alone. Make friends! Especially female friends, they make the best wingmen (female friends who've read or understand the game are gold). Keep bettering yourself, and learn to really like you.
33/M here. I used to struggle with my confidence/feeling unattractive. Once I improved how I felt about myself, things changed with women, for the better. I'm now in a long-term committed relationship with an awesome, beautiful lady. The thing you need to understand is that I'm nowhere near as good-looking as you are, so I can PROMISE you that looks are not the issue at all for you. I've dated some damn good looking ladies and all I've got working for me is the weird-looking but rugged thing.
Bottom line, it ain't your looks holding you back. Before anyone jumps on me for the advice I'm about to give, I think the pickup artist scene is gross and weird. HOWEVER, for a guy like you it may give you enough of a boost that you can leave the creepy stuff behind and internalize the genuine benefits of the pickup philosophy. Read the book "The Game," and see how you take to it. I found a lot of it really off-putting but some of it was really applicable to my situation, and it was definitely a big part of helping me boost my confidence.
Also, I don't know if you do much online dating stuff, but that's an easy way to get your confidence up. A guy like you should be able to have a different date every night if you'll be living in a major city.
Of course, I've been presuming your personality is solid. Assuming you're capable of communicating well and aren't a dick, a few weeks of reading/experimenting with pickup stuff and getting on Tinder when you move to Australia should do wonders for your success.
I'm sorry that you're going through all this at your age. Fellow Software Developer here (though not game specific, but could if I gave two shits). My first job was at a Game Store too back in the day. So, either way, I can empathize with what you're going through as well.
I'm going to go deeper than responding to your criticism on the people you deal with every day. I'm going to focus on how you should move forward instead of dwelling on these asses who step on your good deeds.
First thing is first, you can't deal nor make any situation better if you succumb to your anxiety and depression. I'm flat out serious about this. It will most likely bring you down your entire life. Your pay, your career path, your individual growth all requires traits that run counter to depression and anxiety, if you lose to it, you'll lose in life. There is always going to be someone above you, and that someone above you is going to determine your pay or future path, and so, you need to take a deep breath and accept that people fucking suck, and there is
nothingsomething you can do about it.I'm sharing this based on personal experience, at a point in my life where I was in a situation so dark (by my yuppie ass millennial standards) that I was puking out domino's pizza and cheap ass sake half naked crying in the middle of my apartment.
I'll go out on a limb here and say that the reason why you're so pissed off at your job is this: you know you're better than what you're doing right now, but you don't see a way out, and so you deal with it for the time being.
How I dealt with this situation wasn't fucking easy. But, I had to face the real issues head on. Maybe you rather not do this, but I'm going to throw it out there because it's what worked for me, and you asked. Furthermore, if you're a Sr. in HS (or even college), it's only going to get worse as you get older, so I'm going to provide a few things to consider to help you get ahead of the pack:
For your short term goals you need to be a bit more realistic, for example, you wanted to get an internship. Well, your short term goals should be a) picking a place to get an internship and b) everything you need not just to land an interview, but to go over hard. I mean, build something, a demo, or do something that will make you beyond competent in an interviewer's eyes. Basically, plan ahead strategically. Moreover, put anything on there - "read a book" - "rage quit my job" - "300 kick some asshole" (joking about the last two).
What you're going to find here is that after you accomplish one short term goal that the system actually works. All you had to do is just write it down and commit to it, then it happened. This will keep your mind busy as you silently tell those people in line to go fuck themselves because they're too dumb to order something online or fucking read a god damn review.
My point is that you need to fix it before it gets out of hand. Take the time in DC to recharge. Go visit those monuments and ask yourself why those fuckers deserve a monument and you don't. Change something and the rest will follow. Even if you're a college SR, then you're already running out of time: take advantage of your freedoms to improve who you are as a person, and go fucking prove why those people in line need to know their roles, and shut their god damn mouths.
OP's in charge. OP's path to journey to eliteness starts today.
And also, I think RAW is in DC this monday, so if you're going, enjoy.
Thanks man! I think the books that helped me out the most are "The Game: Penetrating the Society of Pickup Artists" by Neil Strauss and "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.
There are definitely torrents available for both but I bought hard copies because I have a difficulty reading things for a long time on a screen.
Also check out /r/seduction and read the sidebar for beginner links
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, because no one else is spending any time whatsoever feeling sorry for you. Figure out what it is you want to accomplish, research how to do so and then conjure up the courage to take the necessary steps to make it a reality.
If your issue is developing mutual attraction between you and those you're attracted to. Read these three books. Take notes and then have the courage to try out the methods/tips you found inside.
Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Brain Rules Your Behavior goes further into this. What we see is not direct sensory data but a construction of our brain, of which sensory data is a much smaller part than we think.
I would say the similarities are mostly superficial.
Numerous double-blinded studies have shown that better-looking politicians fare better than do not-so-good-looking politicians on election day. Leonard Mlodinow's new book spends most of a chapter looking at these depressing studies. And that is certainly also true for actors.
People in both careers benefit from having lots of natural charisma.
But the similarities end there. Actors tend to trend toward the narcissistic. A generality, sure, but generally true. Successful politicians OTOH, trend toward the masochistic. They thrive on pain and punishment and humiliation washes off them like water off a duck's back. Think of Bill Clinton and the Lewinsky scandal. No shame at all.
Anectdotal sure, but Washington and New York and London professional escorts also point out that S&M, and specifically S&M submissive roles are especially popular among politician clients.
In terms of skills, completely different. Actors get interviewed with softball questions about their latest project or "what's it like working with...?" This kind of mutual masturbation between Hollywood and the entertainment media leaves an actor completely unprepared for the kind of "Gotcha!" relationship they'll have with the media when their declare their candidacy for some nomination.
As you have children I'd recommend counseling first. Here's some reading they will likey recommend. If indeed there are irreconcilable differences and it is causing animosity between you and your spouse it divorce may be better for the children.
My parents divorced when I was young, despite them hating each other because they weren't together I never saw them fight. I'd say that was far better than a lot of my friends who's parents were nasty to each other.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00N6PEQV0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IV0sDb1YP0DMC
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0393334279/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GX0sDbHP11MQE
Something that people fail to recognize is that divorce isn't the only way to abandon a marriage. It sounds like your wife has abandoned yours long ago. I hate divorce, especially when kids are involved. But at some point you do have to draw a line in the sand. David Schnarch talks about gridlock in marriage. You, my friend, are in gridlock. Your wife is fused to you and unless you assert yourself and what you want your marriage to be (and risk the alternative if it doesn't happen) you'll remain fused. Divorce isn't your only option, but moving forward in that direction unless you get some cooperation may be what is needed. It really is more nuanced that I'm making it, though. You can't just threaten divorce, but you do need some kind of real catalyst for change.
I'd highly recommend grabbing a copy of Schnarch's book Passionate Marriage.
This book was the beginning of our DB recovery. It is honestly unbelievable, along with "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. These two books, I'm telling you...! The titles are cheesy as hell, but the content is genius. The first deals with the underlying psychological reasons for DBs, basically a lack of "differentiation" which leads to an unhealthy network of feeling pressure, obligation, withdrawing etc... By moving to the spare room and feeling like yourself again, you have done a huge step towards differentiation. I think the further details in this book might be of great value for you. And the other book is along similar lines, but while the first is more focused on couples altogether, the latter focuses more on men, and it's brilliant. I have learned from both so, so much. Plus, they are well written and entertaining to read. I go back to them regularly to really engrain the message in my mind and break my unhealthy patterns.
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There's a book I haven't read yet and that is more focused on women, and is mentioned regularly here because apparently it is fantastic, it is called "come as you are". It seems to deal with different female arousal patterns which might be useful to know with regard to a woman with a LL. It seems to be about "how to learn what hinders your arousal and what accelerates it", basically, but I think it is more than that.
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https://www.amazon.co.uk/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=passionate+marriage&qid=1556824796&s=gateway&sr=8-1
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https://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?crid=10WF0A3U0ZLES&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy&qid=1556824853&s=gateway&sprefix=no+more+m%2Caps%2C246&sr=8-1
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https://www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-surprising-transform/dp/1925228010/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1B16J31SVFQXN&keywords=come+as+you+are+emily+nagoski&qid=1556824888&s=gateway&sprefix=come+as+you+are%2Caps%2C202&sr=8-1
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This one is mentioned a lot as well, again focusing on female sexuality:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=she+comes+first&qid=1556824926&s=gateway&sr=8-1
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Sorry, this comment is massive, lol. :-)
The first book has honestly enduced our DB recovery, that is not said too much. The second - where to begin. It goes even back to unhealthy patterns that one learned from one's parents and then carries into the relationship and such. Very good.
For me personally, a lot of the reason infertility was and has been so difficult, is because of the emotional neglect I experienced as a child. While I had come a long, long way emotionally since I've been an adult, I still hadn't yet mastered how to process and deal with my emotions. In a way that sounds simple, but for me it wasn't at all obvious or easy to figure out, even though I had spent years trying to resolve various past traumas, thinking patterns, behaviors, etc.
Infertility, compounded with other issues, pushed me to the brink, and along with learning about new (to me) therapies and actually find a good therapist who I respect and trust, I was able to come to a turning point in how infertility was affecting me. For me it wasn't "just" the infertility, it was related to many areas and previous past traumas in my life. It was related to feeling completely alone and isolated as a child and teen, when I had zero emotional support or connection with my family. Deep down I feel as if I have no family. Based on my beliefs about what a parent should be, I have no parents.
It's amazing and wonderful to think that you can just create your own family, and give your children the things you were never given (emotional connection), but when that chance is taken away from you, you no longer have that opportunity to heal the past in the present, you no longer have the opportunity to have what you always wanted deep down: emotional intimacy, a (real) family, etc.
I don't know if any of that will resonate with you, but if you're interested, the way I made the most progress was by reading the books:
I utterly agree with this comment.
I would say that 20% of the comments in here are from deeply bitter people (curiously almost all the really bitter people are male). When I see someone's comments starting to talk about marriage as a "contact", how their partner is failing in their contractual obligations and you should dump their sorry ass I think "with that kind of self-entitled attitude I wouldn't have sex with you either".
A book I've seen mentioned in here is the The Four Agreements -- or The Fifth Agreement for what amounts to a rehash in less time. Once I was able to look past the new-age vibe, I found it a really helpful reminder that you've never really known another person's experience and that LL partners have just as much right to live their life as you do. Sure there are some flat out selfish people about, but most LL partners are just trying to cope with what life has dealt them -- just as you are.
The other book I found helpful was Passionate Marriage. This is not going to be applicable in everyone's situation, but helped me in a big way to not take my partner's behaviour personally and to understand the emotional dynamic that was at play in my relationship.
You can't stick your head in the sand. I learned this the hard way. it doesn't matter what your boss thinks of you. It matters what your boss thinks other people think of you.
1.https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-People-Dealing-At-Work/dp/1491245522/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1518373075&sr=8-1&keywords=dealing+with+difficult+people+at+work&dpID=418oNNbMK0L&preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70_&dpSrc=srch
2.https://www.amazon.com/Asshole-Rule-Civilized-Workplace-Surviving/dp/0446698202/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518373221&sr=1-1&keywords=the+no+asshole
Are you sure you don't want to work at a different organisation? Seems like you haven't tried to find something outside of this school. Maybe you can work for a school of a different size or in a different location?
See also /r/HigherEducation
This book helped me: http://www.amazon.com/The-Asshole-Rule-Civilized-Workplace/dp/0446698202
I have heard good things about & had recommended to me The No Asshole Rule
I have a copy on the nightstand but have not worked that far down the To Read pile yet.
Every project is made up of different people and they all have their own vibe. For the last 10 years, at least part of my job has been working in and managing people who work on open source. I and my team have contributed to AOSP, Eclipse, Apache, and others.
A random collection of unordered thoughts...
Just learned about his book today. https://www.amazon.com/Getting\-Past\-Your\-Breakup\-Devastating/dp/0738213284
It's ok to be a little jealous, and it's ok to grieve. Then it's time to take a deep breath...
https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/7pgh5n/lpt_one_of_the_best_ways_to_stop_being_lonely_is/
Hey, our circumstances are different but are also somewhat similar and I know that when I made posts in the days and weeks after my breakup, so many people helped me and this is my attempt to extend that to you.
tl;dr of my breakup, I am a 26 year old male, we dated for 7 years, she left me 3 months ago because we became 2 different people.
Now that that's out of the way, I want to talk about our similarities and sort of the process that I've been going through, because I think it can help you. I will discuss the things that seemed to help me the most and recommend some things to get you through the tough days.
My world completely collapsed. At first was shock, I literally had no idea how to react. I didn't see it coming at all and that isn't to say that our relationship was perfect. We built a life together and a future, marriage, kids all of it. I was completely embedded in her family, nephews looked up to me, relatives all loved me, friends loved me. All of it was gone in an instant and I didn't know what to do.
The next week or so was me falsely thinking she must have been mistaken and that this whole thing was just going to be fixed when I talked to her again. I was pretty down, but I was sort of looking forward to talking to her and telling her we could work things out. She seemed confused at first and didn't know what she wanted, and this gave me false hope I guess.
We talked again and it was more clear that it was over, but I still couldn't comprehend what was happening. I went to talk to her with the intension of just talking about what I had learned about us and myself but it turned into begging and crying again which is EXACTLY what I DID NOT want to do.
The following week I felt like I accepted it, at least I thought. I started getting involved in so many things. I was seeing a therapist (highly recommended), playing soccer, going out with friends, reading self-help books, getting into ice hockey, I started p90x, I was planning events like hiking, and generally just being busy all the time. That week was much better, I felt like I was making positive steps.
The next week I hit rock bottom. I got a cold and all of my energy was shot. Finally reality hit and it hit really hard. For about 7 days I can say I was in a dark place, very depressed. I wasn't contemplating suicide, but I felt hopeless. I set out on a plan to better myself anyway I could so I took this time to try and turn it into a positive. I wasn't close to many people in my family and I decided to use them as a crutch for the first real time in my life. I cried to my parents, my brother, my aunts and uncle.
For the first time in my life I needed them and they showed up big time. Being able to break down like that and have someone talk you through it helps strengthen relationships with people you might not think you're close with. People will generally want to help you out.
After that awful week I felt better. I got my energy back and I started to distract myself again. On the advice of my therapist, I began to take more time for myself in an effort to be okay alone. I had made strides at feeling better while busy but I also needed to confront all of those thoughts and try to deal with them. I started to journal and set out to learn more about mindfulness. The journaling was slow at first and felt strange as I had never done it. I have probably written 12 or so entries now and it's definitely helping at this point. Journaling forces you to slow down your thoughts to get them on paper. This is huge and I will highlight this again below.
Mindfulness is still something I haven't done too much. I read a book on the topic and I will continue to pursue this as I read about the science behind it and how it can help a lot with anxiety etc.
This is sort of where I stand now. I am out of that deep depression and panic. There are times when I am overwhelmed with thoughts and feeling very negative about everything but I fight through it as best as I can. We have not contacted each other in about 35 days and even then it was just about money owed for the apartment etc. Am I over her? Absolutely not. I am learning to deal with it and try to move on. There are days where I believe it is over and days where I believe she might reach out to me and talk.
My goal right now? I don't plan on reaching out to her anytime soon. It is up to her right now and not me. I have goals to better myself and that is regardless of if she comes back or not. People will tell me that I need to move on and let her go. In a way, I am and I have, but in another way I have not let her go yet. I am okay with that, I am not going to force myself to hate her to rid the idea of her from my mind. Everyone is different and my plan is to seek happiness being single before I even think about reaching out to her or try dating of any kind. That is just me!
So... here is what I think will help you the most.
UNFRIEND/BLOCK SOCIAL MEDIA. This is the best thing you can possibly do... have his instagram? Unfriend and block, have his facebook, same thing. Do it for everything. It will only hurt you. It doesn't mean you are giving up on the possibility of being together, it means it won't help you heal right now.
Join /r/exnocontact and get a badge and every time you feel the need to talk to him, make a post and let people talk you out of it. You need to realize that not talking to him is the best thing you can do. It will help you move on, but it also gives him a chance to miss you. He won't want to get back together with someone in your state of mind. The only way to win him back is to try to move on.
YOU WILL BE OKAY.
This book will help you get past your breakup. It may make you sad first though while you grieve the relationship. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
I just want to say that I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have had my own share of marital duress this year (2014 just seems to suck for everyone I talk to, myself included) and it's not something I wish upon anyone.
I don't know your situation, but with me reading all the relationship books I could find really helped me gain some perspective. I'll link them but the main advice is the same: you have to start rebuilding you. This of course I'm sure being the last thing you want to hear right now. Based on the 5 or 6 books I read when a partner who wants to leave (and who does so in this case) and the other person begs and tries to cajole the other into coming back, the person on the wayward side gets pushed even further away (I've personally seen this myself). But once the person who was abandoned starts living and doing for themselves the wayward party sees this and begins to assess what they're doing and why they're doing it.
Like I said, this is just the collected advice of the various things that I read and may not pertain to you in the slightest. Regardless I'll make sure to pray for you because what you're going through is just horrible and I really feel for you.
Here are the books:
Best of luck and I hope everything works out.
https://amzn.com/0738213284
Both. Wife was feeling like sex was becoming more of a chore. I was feeling like we weren’t connecting as much sexually or otherwise.
We read “the sex starved marriage
We also read come as you are
Both of these lead to us become more connected and open to trying kinks. My biggest kink was more anal play for both of us. She is now receptive to anal once or twice a week instead 5-6 times a year.....and anal play for me a few times a month.
We have many toys and we need to pair some down. We’ve started to do some bdsm (cuffs and floggers and paddles) she really loves to smack my cock and balls around a lot.....it really turns her on. So, she is finding her dom side, and so am I. We switch....
We are now having more sex than we’ve ever had.
I also keep a sex journal and we read back over that occasionally to remind us how sexy we are...
We both are over weight and we are actively losing weight. I’ve lost 60 lbs since February and she’s lost about 35. We both want to be as healthy and happy as we can and that involves sex!
It is so common for how little it is talked about that it is shocking and sad. Based on your other comments in this post you sound like you are in a perfect situation to fix it.
PROS:
-Solid support system
-Aware of the issue
-Accepts that sexual attraction should occur
-Wants to fix it
-Ideal experimental situation already in place (in a situation where everything is working correctly EXCEPT this one thing with a partner who is understanding)
CONS:
-Not sexually attracted to partner
Final piece of advice is a often sub-reddit recommended book "The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide". You are not married but the person who wrote this book is old so you are pretty much in what they consider a marriage. I have not finished reading it myself but everything I have read so far has been solid advice.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Couples/dp/0743227336
Michele Weiner-Davis (divorcebusting.com):
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michele-weinerdavis/the-unspoken-truth-about-_1_b_5276291.html (click through to a TED video she did).
Here's her book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Couples/dp/0743227336
I believe your statistic is incorrect as that would be 10% of the population. As I linked to another person, you can read this book for statistics on it: (good book by the way)
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/076791581X
Also, you are correct that sociopaths don't necessarily want to kill anyone but they lack the ability for empathy so those who do want to kill don't have the nagging voice in the back of their head telling them they're wrong when they do it.
One of things that this book (http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/076791581X) taught me is that a sociopath will do or say anything to get the things they want and 'win'. And whenever they get caught and called on their shit, they turn to moral indignation and self pity.
I'm not really sure WTF that Fox thing was that I saw (I don't live in the US) but I do know that if you assembled the finest writers, directors and actors in the world and paid them handsomely to portray a dystopian world ruled by such a person, they would struggle to achieve the same level of creepyness.
It's good that you've developed a sixth sense for people like that. They're very, very good at what they are and do, and most people are totally swept away by them. You are absolutely right-in dealing with sociopaths, get away from them, far away. It's all a game to them. I read this book a few years ago, full of great information, but very scary.
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/076791581X
I highly recommend the book, The Sociopath Next Door. Learning how to spot these people, even through their fakeness, will serve you well in life.
I'm not a therapist, but I am a scientist interested in gender/sexuality and I've spent a lot of time observing sexual relationships. Here are a couple of points that I think will help you out:
As someone who is generally considered a Vulcan by others and has really broken down their mental processes, I can assure you that you are feeling emotion but just using pseudo-logic to support your emotional choices. cite
Here's a good book for understanding how men and women are socialized into different conversational styles.
Get You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen. Great pop-sci book (We read it in a linguistics course I took) about the different ways that men and women use language to communicate. The overarching theme of the book is that women use language to build rapport, and men use language to report facts. Using these different lenses to look at communication lets us get through a lot of mysterious differences.
In terms of word choice and so forth, I learned a lot from the book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. It seems to be written with the goal of helping men and women communicate with each other better, but you could also use it as a kind of "how to" manual.
Yes, but that's just the first step.
Men and women communicate completely different. Just because you can talk, doesn't mean you communicate in a way that the other sex understands.
I would recommend reading: You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation it really helped me in how I talk to women.
Get this book. Changed my life forever.
Oh, don't get the John Gray book, it's crap
I'm glad I could help. As a man in a relationship of 7 years, I have had time and opportunity to encounter a lot of gender-based conflict in communication, living styles, behaviors, etc. And I've had an understanding, thoughtful, intelligent spouse to hash these things over with. Without her, I'd be totally lost, and that's the truth.
If this kind of thing is a topic that interests you, you might like You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Coversation by Deborah Tannen. It's written in an accessible, conversational style, yet it's good linguistic science. Tannen is still giving talks on this book more than 20 years later.
I hope things go well for you and your boyfriend! Differences in behaviors like this are common, and a little understanding on BOTH (read: he needs to understand your behaviors, too) parts goes a long way. Good luck!
Not an article but a great book on the topic: You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, Deborah Tannen
http://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262224407&sr=1-1
I like this book a lot
I don't remember if it addresses women speaking "in code," but I often find that what frustrates me about the way men talk to me is them lecturing to me or talking at me rather than trying to relate to me. This book elucidates those gender differences really well.
Go fuck yourself. The Game was HUGE in improving my life, not only with woman, but with EVERYONE. I became more confident, more extroverted and truthful with myself. I was able to meet woman and men alike. Don't sit there and make a dumb fucking blanket statement like 'THIS IS NOT LIFE IMPROVEMENT'. Asshole
Embarrassing... but I read The Game and realized I'd been wearing awful fitting clothing my entire life. I dress well because I enjoy it and I want to look better for the opposite sex.
Maybe read The Game?
Either he's nervous, or he's a douchebag that read 'The Game'. In case A give him some space and let things progress naturally, in case B get some penicillin and run the hell away... because you are probably not the only person he is 'holding out on'.
This trick reminds me of The Game.
In that book there was a "pickup trick" where you asked the girl to think of a numer between 1-10 and most girls pick 7.
Of course I was sceptical but after a minor study (n=4) I can now confirm that there is a 75% the girl will pick 7!
[magic]
Can I offer some other choice reads that will make you question your rational decision based on "how it feels" we make decisions rather than how they "actually are made"? We can now do brain studies that show our unconscious brain makes our decisions before our conscious brain is even aware of the choices. We rationalize our decisions based on our emotions, not logic. The beautiful thing is we feel like we are the ones in charge, the 'I", me, you, they, she, he, whomever, but every single person is as predictable as our Earth's rotation around the sun.
Let's see, some interesting books with hundreds if not thousands of sources in them each: Subliminal, Free Will, Incognito to get you started.
Feelings are only feelings, they are an old response before our prefontal cortex made its appearance. Don't let those get in the way of learning about how we work. Sure it feels like the earth is flat, it feels bad when we get rejected, it feels like your conscious mind made that choice to get a burger over the salad, but don't let feelings get in the way of what's actually happening. It's all an illusion, man..
If you have not read Incognito or Subliminal, I highly recommend them. Gives some great insight into the subconscious mind. One of the books talks a bit about early work by Freud on how he was right and wrong about his research.
If you don't possess the knowledge of something, it still doesn't mean it's not there. Knowing the difference between the three states of consciouness is very, very basic. It's like the first thing you learn about psychology, and any lay person like me can learn it. Moreover, I wasn't being passive aggressive at all. It is just an undeniable fact that this is pop psychology, and just because you didn't see the difference between the two anywhere you looked it doesn't mean there isn't a difference out there. Because there is.
https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-difference-in-meaning-between-subconscious-and-unconscious
http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/unconscious-or-subconscious-20100801255
"Although the word “subconscious” continues to appear in literature, it is rarely defined carefully and may or may not be synonymous with “unconscious.”
The definitions are not the same. Science semantics and grammar are much more complicated and contradictory then saying "uh, it's all the same thing" as there is an unificated and agreeable universal opinion about it. The dictionaries might tell you that, because like I said, English, but they are two different terms that like the quote said, MAY or MAY NOT BE used as synonymous". And in this case, it is not.
Yeah... I'm well aware of Freud's unconscious and the new unconscious modern psychologists have "discovered". There wasn't any need of repeating information or copying/pasting about what the unconscious is, as I have already explained. While you can use the unconscious term in this case correctly, like I said many, many times the specific term is subconsciously, not unconsciously. Unconscious is a general term to simplify psychology and avoid confusion, which nonetheless doesn't exclude the subconscious definition.
Again, I already explained and talked about Freud's stance on this, so I have no idea why you are talking that quote, which by the way is the one quote you can find in Wikipedia. This is the kind of stuff I already talked about, and admitted. That's why I said Freud prefers the "pre conscious" term instead. Both however remains to define things we are more or less aware and that influences our thought and knowledge. Stimulating the unconscious is not possible, and that's not how propaganda works.
That's not true at all**. Any marketing professional or student will definitely claim the contrary. Saying supraliminal is used more often then subliminal stimuli is hilariously absurd. I would like to see where your sources to claim this. Both are used, the subliminal being much more active.
Just read Subliminal by Leonard Mlodinow, who wrote along with Stephen Hawking once. The book is highly acclaimed, including by Hawking.
https://www.amazon.com.br/Subliminal-Your-Unconscious-Rules-Behavior/dp/0307472256
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1575795
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2014/jan/24/subliminal-new-unconscious-leonard-mlodinow-review
There's a book on neuroscience I've read recently that went over this, and it's pretty great
Long short, never doubt people's capacity for self delusion. We don't just make decisions based on reason. We carry a lifetime's worth of emotional and ideological baggage around with us everywhere we go and our subconscious minds like to unpack it whenever we do that "thinking" thing.
People gradually come around to different points of view. I've yet to have an argument where anybody conclusively "won". Whether on the internet or in real life. I think the reason is that most people just flat out refuse to consider that they might be wrong until the realization sneaks up on them a little while later. After they end up seriously unfulfilled or notice physical proof of their own wrongness that they can't possible ignore. And some people don't even accept that. Hell, some people still think the earth is flat.
>It's about winning the hearts and minds of people who will listen and coalescing into a larger group that influences policy.
You're not going to win over Trump voters. You just won't. We're talking about a man who has said he wants to bomb people's families. If you can bring yourself to vote for that you clearly don't live in anything resembling reality. Hell, you transcend all talk of ethics into pure sadism at that point
There's nothing rational in that mindset and we really need to start admitting this to ourselves. We can't be polite with this kind of societal cancer. And it is a cancer. The kind of paranoia, the contempt for basic facts, the love of violence and hatred of weakness, all that insane fascistic shit Trump and his supporters love, that's an actual threat to democracy. We can't let that appear legitimate or become normalized. Arguing with it is giving it more legitimacy then it deserves. There's nothing to argue about. Like any weed it needs to be plucked out of our political system before it spreads and strangles the garden.
History is full of examples as to why. And that's the real reason I can't keep being all liberal about this guy (or Cruz for that matter, fuck it). Because I know all too well what it leads to. This kind of shit is what actually lead to genocide in Rwanda.
>I think you don't realize that it's in your best interest to reach consensus rather than to incite a crisis
I really don't think you understand the basic fact that these people offer civilization absolutely jack shit. You might as well be saying we should give ISIS a seat in congress as far as I'm concerned. I might add Trump is only the beginning of it. It's only going to get worse. Hell, it's been getting worse since Obama was elected. The right wing that exists in America today is way more violent, militant, and unwilling to compromise than it was 10 years ago. Trump is only the electoral expression of that. The shit happening on a grassroots level is where it really gets fucking terrifying. What's being bred here is fascism. Let's not mince words. People keep saying that is overblown terminology but it isn't anymore, this is how fascism starts. The hypernationalism, the love of violence, the bigotry, the contempt for the rest of the world, the obsession with strongman leadership, ect ect. This is how it starts. Trump was the demagogue with the smarts to transform that tendency into a political movement for himself.
It is going to get worse. I can promise you that. We can't tolerate this.
>or do you want to end up in a civil war?
See above. I'm sorry but it's either you piss these people off through the occasional act of civil disobedience or they start killing people. There is no other option here.
Call me a pessimist all you want, but what we're dealing with...this isn't something you can vote away. This isn't something capable of reason. This is the dark heart of humanity coming out and promising to bomb people's families and torture people. This is the racism and sexism of pissed off white males turning itself into a virtue. This is pure contempt. Pure hatred of reality, of decency. These people want death and slaughter. That's all they want. They don't want any of the shit you can possibly give them. They want the people they hate to suffer and that's it.
>No one can justifiably tell me what to think, or how to think. If anyone tells me that I can't think correctly, and they better prove that to me somehow!
Your belief that you are in control of your thoughts and actions is not something that i think you've explored thoroughly and also seems to be the basis of your world views. I suggest that, being intelligent, you reevaluate that opinion, especially if you are taking it on faith as the cornerstone of your argument, because, frankly, it all falls apart right there. For example:
>An authority figure can only get their authority over me if I give it to them.
Almost all of our acceptance of authority comes from subliminal process and not conscious thought. As much as I find religious programming appalling it does force one to look at their own existence and question the supremacy of the ego. Atheism, sadly, doesn't seem to do that. Rather it seems to reinforce false notions as much as many religions do, or like in this case, more.
Anyways, wasn't trying to be snarky or anything. My point is kinda that if you just want to tell people your views and see if people think you're on point, then this is good. But if you truly want to understand why religions have such power over people or why you yourself hold such strong contrary views, i seriously suggest reading up on our current understanding of conscious/psychological processes. It's pretty mind-blowing!
> Este tópico é sobre discriminação estética e etária. É a única coisa que interessa para o tópico.
Se não vês a ligação entre o que disse e o tópico, não vale a pena discutir mais sobre o assunto. E não chames ignorante sem saber com quem estás a falar, porque tudo o que me apresentaste aí já eu conheço. Se quiseres mais leitura sobre o assunto:
https://www.amazon.com/Subliminal-Your-Unconscious-Rules-Behavior/dp/0307472256/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201709/how-our-body-language-can-make-us-attractive
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/subliminal/201206/how-we-are-judged-our-appearance
https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20126957.300-how-your-looks-betray-your-personality/
De um português que eu sigo de perto:
https://www.wook.pt/livro/primatas-culturais-paulo-finuras/16419293
https://grupolusofona.academia.edu/PauloFinuras
Mais em inglês:
https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn1412-beautiful-people-spark-a-brain-reaction/
https://www.medicaldaily.com/seeing-pretty-faces-rewards-brain-perceiving-beauty-all-chemical-reaction-269074
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/attraction-evolved/201612/how-testosterone-affects-what-men-find-attractive
https://www.livescience.com/28812-women-prefer-smell-of-manly-guys.html
https://www.webmd.com/men/features/exercise-and-testosterone#1
Posso continuar, mas acho que não vale a pena. O meu ponto era sobre o indivíduo que faz a escolha quando está a recrutar alguém para uma posição. Quando a concorrência é muita, e há o "luxo" de escolher sem olhar para o CV, então estes fatores contam muito. Se não percebeste isso do meu primeiro comentário, nem sei como me chamas de ignorante a mim.
Ignorância não está só no que não se sabe, está também no que não se quer saber. Lê o meu primeiro comentário.
That reminds me, there's a similar video summary of the Brain Rules book over here: http://vimeo.com/10954540
(and more info here)
Totally forgot about that one. It's cool, but you can pretty much get the whole gist of it just from those links.
And if anybody's craving more psych-y books, Subliminal is also pretty cool (it's like the diet version of Thinking Fast and Slow, which is good but long), though, the Willpower Instinct one already kinda touches on a bit of material from both those anyway.
> "Passionate Marriage"
Which book is this exactly? And is there an audiobook version?
I think I found it here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0393334279/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_bPJvzbE0T1ZZZ
But there is also (same author, very similar title):
https://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Passionate-Marriage-Fulfillment-Relationships/dp/B00PUROQ2Q
audible.com seems to only have the 2nd one. but this seems to be the first one (right?) http://passionatemarriage.com/Passionate_Marriage_mp3
To be a more effective gardener, apply science: 7 principals for making marriage work.
And if you are having kids, you better read this, too.
And if you want better sex, there's Passionate Marriage.
Done. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0393334279/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_bPJvzbE0T1ZZZ
We are already talking about making it a regular event. We have kids, so we needed to get a bit more organized on arranging that, but man, it was worth it! We also used one of those giant pickle jars to put any extra cash we had into. Called it the "MFC Fund" and that added to the excitement and made it much easier to save.
Ok, if you're serious about a good book, I would HIGHLY recommend Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch (https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/). I would not hesitate to say it's one of my top 5 best books I've read. It's is not for the faint of heart and can be a slower read since it's pretty deep, but I think that's a good thing. It's not a book to just blast through and check the box. It's as much about working on yourself, personally, than anything else. The more you can be the authentic "you" (and likewise with your partner), the more intimacy will be in your relationship, the more mind-blowing sex you'll have.
We both read it at the same time, which was a great thing because it got us both on the same page. I always thought I was the adventurous one in bed, but this book lit a sexy fire under my wife and helped her to embrace a side of her that she had always been afraid or ashamed of. Actually, it did that for both of us. Helped to normalize what we think and fantasize about and gave us language to talk about it. I could go on forever. TLDR...definitely read that book!
(and if you can't ask for book recommendations on r/sex, something is wrong.)
https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=sr_1_3?gclid=CjwKCAiAh5_uBRA5EiwASW3IagQz_NMqwYYImXHlcQWInDRqnRg48T18-8p9cUKL0pPwWKzEH0OR6BoCB7EQAvD_BwE&hvadid=174232210495&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9003022&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t1&hvqmt=e&hvrand=3618508962192455158&hvtargid=kwd-2744782865&hydadcr=24630_9648900&keywords=passionate+marriage+book&qid=1573384734&sr=8-3
Your problem is SOOO common. The tired, low energy situation can be very real. And yet have absolutely nothing to do with the problem.
You do not want to look at the backside of decades and say this is my life? I would seek therapy NOW, not wait until you are ready to walk out the door. Unless you are ready to walk out the door. Either way, face this. No matter what the thing looks like, face it. There are two many people who live in sexual poverty. I could write a book on what I think the cultural influences to this are. But that won't help YOU.
Thank you. It's hard to give a full picture of our relationship, personalities and relationship dynamics in forum like this. Things are always more complex - or at least seem that way from the inside. We both have our issues and histories to work through.
Dan Savage is at the top of my list for sex/relationship advice and I've read pretty much everything he's written or recorded. I actually made my wife listen to about a days worth of pod casts on a long road trip we took several years ago. Listening to it shocked her out of some of her complacency a little bit.
His typical advice in a situation like this would probably be one (or more) of the following:
There is a great author, Dr. David Schnarch. He is a sex/relationship therapist and wrote Passionate Marriage and the more accessible Intimacy & Desire.
He spends a lot of time talking about how people in relationships will naturally get into gridlocks - there will always be someone who wants 'X' while their partner really doesn't want 'X'. He describes this as a crucible. This is a place where personal and inter-personal growth happens trying to work through this. People who are very co-dependent often get stuck and aren't strong enough within themselves (able to "hold onto themselves") to break the gridlock. Eventually, one of the people will get so uncomfortable with the status-quo that forcing the issue to some kind of resolution is less painful than staying in it.
He also talks about that people who enter into long term relationships are at about the same level of emotional development. If one person start to get ahead of the other in advancing themselves, it puts a strain on the other and the relationship. At this point it will either eventually resolve itself through breakup if they can't handle it or it's too much, or personal growth for them or remain mired in the gridlock.
I don't think I'm at a tipping point yet where I can force an issue like this into any one direction.
Is this the passionate marriage book? here?
I get what you're saying, but don't be an actual asshole. No Asshole Rule No one deserves to work with an asshole.
Jen, go ahead and buy yourself a copy. You've earned it.
Basic manners don't go out of style.
Oh and add this too. Dale Carnegie was NOT a poor man and he was NOT a business failure. Guess what his book is about? NOT treating people like shit! Imagine that, honey. Imagine that.
https://www.amazon.com/Asshole-Rule-Civilized-Workplace-Surviving/dp/0446698202
The No Asshole Rule.
http://www.amazon.de/dp/0446698202
Just stick to it.
Edit: It's about why nasty ppl are bad and how to survive.
Not commenting on the primary topic.
I was more interested in the book mentioned, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't
I so need this in my life.
Two books for you to read:
Both will hit to that point, though from different angles.
http://www.amazon.com/Asshole-Rule-Civilized-Workplace-Surviving/dp/0446698202/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1289458938&sr=8-1
The No Asshole Rule--a great management book. Your boss totally did the right thing.
They probably read your reddit comment history and labeled you as classic asshole. ( see http://www.amazon.com/Asshole-Rule-Civilized-Workplace-Surviving/dp/0446698202 )
> These aren't bad business habits.
Okay, poor choice of words on my part, what I meant was more in line with the premise of this book. My point, and the point of the author of this piece, I think, is that there's a difference between a "competitive fast paced" work environment and one that expects you to act like an asshole everyday and deliberately throw people under the bus in order to get to the top. Personally, I don't know how anyone can work in that kind of work environment without becoming psychopath or having a mental breakdown and quitting.
Don't work with assholes.
Book.
He sounds like a piece of work. Blech. Sounds like an ex of mine. I highly recommend this book, this woman's writing was really what got me through the initial pain and trauma of that breakup (with a serial liar and cheater): https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284
Expect to take some time with it, there are a lot of writing and journaling exercises. But I know that it really helped me when I was in your shoes (2009-2010).
Once you've finished with that, I would also recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot.
In a messy relationship? Read it. Just broke up? Read it.
The work you do in this book will help you to learn so much about yourself and inform any future decisions you make about relationships. She also has podcasts and a private Facebook group page.
r/https://www.amazon.ca/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284
Shocking similarities between your situation and my own. 25M broken up with a month ago by 25F of 4 years after a period of long-distance, ending plans for her to move to be with me, and after me having told her I could see us getting married one day. (I'm also a grad student. We might be doppelgängers.)
Although I didn't receive such a clear letter from my ex, my understanding of her behaviour and the things she said during the breakup have lead me to believe her feelings are very similar to those your ex expressed (or at least that is the narrative I have settled on).
I agree with the other posters that we need to accept that this is over and focus on moving on. Personally I have had no contact with my ex since I saw her in person and she finally unequivocally ended things (just over a month ago). I am starting to feel a sense of acceptance and (dare I say) even hope for the future (but don't get me wrong, I'm still constantly thinking about it, often slip back into sadness and anger, and expect to feel this way for a few more months at the least). It sounds like your breakup was less of a clean break and things dragged on for a bit longer - I'd encourage you to make a clean break going forward.
If I were you I would focus on building your new social life in your new location. In some ways having a fresh start in a new location can help you - you will not be constantly facing reminders of your time together. Since it is the start of the school year there are probably also lots of other people new to town - so get out there and find some friends! Forcing myself to get out and keep myself busy has been the best thing for me (although it's still important to allot time to feel your feels).
Here are a few other resources which have leant me some insight and made me feel a little better about the situation:
If you'd like to talk with someone in a very similar situation, feel free to PM me.
I understand the pain you're going through. It's not the most helpful thing to hear when people say "Move on," or "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Just know that its ok to feel what your feeling. It's difficult, the loss is excruciatingly painful. It does take time to recover, and I can vouch that it gets easier with time. My ex left me 2 months ago (but unlike you I'm not sure she is seeing someone else, although it is most likely that she is). I recommend the following:
I hope this helps man. Hold on, you're in for a bumpy ride, just know that you're not alone.
TL;DR: Go cold turkey. Focus on yourself.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284
One of the first things she stresses is going no contact. Might sound counterintuitive, but do it. Cut off contact for a while like everyone else mentioned. Right now, everything's too emotionally charged and trying to be friends will just fail. Wait a while for everyone and everything to cool down. Good luck.
I have this book coming in the mail tomorrow. Fingers crossed it helps.
fuck man. my story exactly. I hate it for you. Been to the therapist. Doesn't work. Nothing works. She'll say she wants to emotionally engage, and engage sexually but never will. Tired to death of her shit.
Ultimately thought, nofap is for me because I want to fix me, and I've just decided I'm going to do it without her. Whether I ever get to bone her again or not, I don't care. I just want to be better.
I've read a book that has at least help me, and helped me to contextualize it all. I recommend it. It's called the Sex Starved Marriage. It at least gives me perspective on what's going on.
I have 4 kids... I love my wife, or I'd be gone already. But I'm going to have to get beyond this addiction without her completely.
If you need to talk, pm me man.
Heres the link for the book. highly recommended. Been working through myself whether or not to divorce her as well, and not because I don't love her, but because it's obvious that she doesn't love me, no matter what she says.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Libido-Couples/dp/0743227336/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396574874&sr=1-1&keywords=sex+starved+marriage
Welcome...
I've been on Concerta for 5 years and I don't think it effected my sex drive, but then again I am HL so it could have made me more HL but nothing noticeable. I hear that Dexamphetamine will really effect sex drive.
Your story is all too familiar except that my wife became depressed due to stress, first it was wedding stress, then work stress. She sought help and was put on i think Celexa for the depression and that helped with the sex drive.
Then came the kids, she stopped Celexa because she wanted to have a clean system while pregnant, after our first was born she never went back to work full time so didn't feel she needed the Celexa. However now there was stress of the kids and our Bedroom slowly declined again, our second was born and sex disappeared.
Our second was born with Down Syndrome it was a hit to both of us and sex moved way down the priority list for both of us. When he was around 3 and things started to calm down I tried to rekindle our bedroom but it didn't work. Wife refused to seek medical attention (medication) so I asked that we see a Therapist as I was ready to leave or cheat or both and it's not something I wanted to do.
The therapist helped a lot, she helped her to understand that sex is what I needed to feel affection. She needed to feel hugs and kisses from me but I needed sex to get that same fulfillment. Her suggested reading was "The sex starved Marriage" and that book was magical.
After reading that book and continuing therapy our sex life began to return. Here is where I made a mistake that you should be cautious of. When sex started to get better 50% of where it needed to be I agreed that Therapy worked and we could continue on our own. On our own sex stayed plateaued at 50% and then it declined slowly again.
This week we are starting back at the same therapist, I really do hope it works to bring our sex life back to where it needs to be. But this time even if it gets to 90% I will ask that we check back in with the Therapist 2-4 times a year. A dead berdoom is like a leaky water heater, when it's leaking and causing a mess you get it fixed but once it's fixed you kinda forget that you have a water heater as it's not top of mind until it starts to leak again.
For those who are bring the thread down back to the level of /r/DeadBedrooms I offer teh following book: Friends who have been in counselling were told that the counselling wouldn't start until they both read this. We picked up a copy for ourselves as a preventative measure.
Buy http://www.amazon.com/The-Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Couples/dp/0743227336 It's a good read
Seriously, read this book to understand the condition a little better: http://www.amazon.ca/Sociopath-Next-Martha-Stout-Ph-D/dp/076791581X
textbook sociopathic behavior. i dated somebody like this for almost a year, and believed every lie about every accident, hospital visit, death in the family... everything. it was a tough way for you to find out, but at least you did. check out the sociopath next door. it's really interesting and helps with the whole not blaming yourself thing.
I think it has some merit
Relevant One of the most terrifying books I've ever read.
I recommend reading "The Sociopath Next Door" to anyone casually interested in what sociopathy really is.
It was one of the first books I read after I learned that my Dad was a sociopath (right after the DSM-IV entry on sociopathy. Seriously, what twelve year old makes her Mom buy her the DSM?). It's not the best book on sociopathy, but it is a beautiful introduction.
ill just leave this here
I'm an extreme extrovert. Perhaps a bit of a sociopath. When I see an introvert I either ignore him or her, or I try to:
I'm perhaps a bit of a sociopath.
Introverts of reddit, I know I'm not the only one. And I'm tipping my hand because I would lie so sweetly if you ever thought I were actually doing this in person. Don't be paranoid, but I'm perhaps a bit of a sociopath.
Edit: This book claims 4% of Americans have some degree of sociopathy. I found it a useful character study in personal power.
Edit2: I see I've been downvoted. I'm sure this has been an unpleasant post to read, but I'm being frank for the benefit of introverted redditors. Hide my comment from them if you like. But not letting them know there are honestly people like me out there does not protect them. All that's happening is I'm losing karma in an account I created for this message.
I assure you, I'm not a novelty account. I'm frankly telling people that the minds of the people they meet might work in unexpected ways. Introverts are easier to spin because it is easier to control the tempo and tone of the conversation. I can and do work with extroverts, also, but it's a totally different game.
I'm sorry to scare you or make you paranoid, but animal abuse, repeating an offense after getting caught, and using manipulation to remorselessly destroy your reputation and relationship ALL sound like sociopathic tendencies to me. I've only read 1 book on the subject, but this honestly sounds like a story straight out of it. I recommend The Sociopath Next Door.
According to this book they (sociopaths) are not as rare as the author of this post thinks.
Still working on healing through mediation, therapy, DBT techniques, codependency recovery and readings. Read through a few codependency books as well as Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and [Fatherless Daughter Project] (https://smile.amazon.com/Fatherless-Daughter-Project-Understanding-Reclaiming-ebook/dp/B0125VU358/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1505743370&sr=1-1&keywords=fatherless+daughters).
https://www.amazon.com.au/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
has anyone read https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4 ?
opinions?
Dating is a skill, just like any other.
Suggested reading:
The Dummies books are actually very, very good. Dating for Dummies http://amzn.com/B004HD69O2
A classic: http://amzn.com/B003WEAI4E
Charisma: http://amzn.com/B005GSZZ24
There is also a Relationships for Dummies, but I would start with dating.
Kuldebar: ^^original ^^reddit ^^link
>I'm new to this stuff: Objectively, what are the Illuminati conspiracy theories?
A distraction. That there are sociopaths in charge, have no doubt but don't let overly elaborate theories draw you away from a far more simple conclusion: we are slaves to a system.
Nothing is gained by attempting to create a super scapegoat to affix blame when simply understanding that up to 4% of the human population are sociopaths and the use their abilities to subjugate people who can not even conceive of such things.
Sociopaths, descriptive word that fits.
They can be secretive, they socialize and share ambitions, this is true. They love rituals and other finery to dress up their efforts. Those details don't matter, we know who the are, by their deeds ye shall know them, after all:
> In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs of conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world.
>You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences will most likely remain undiscovered.
>How will you live your life?
>What will you do with your huge and secret advantage, and with the corresponding handicap of other people (conscience)?
>The answer will depend largely on just what your desires happen to be, because people are not all the same. Even the profoundly unscrupulous are not all the same. Some people - whether they have a conscience or not - favor the ease of inertia, while others are filled with dreams and wild ambitions. Some human beings are brilliant and talented, some are dull-witted, and most, conscience or not, are somewhere in between. There are violent people and nonviolent ones, individuals who are motivated by blood lust and those who have no such appetites. -The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout
If you combine The Psychology of Authority + Political Ponerology: A Science on The Nature of Evil adjusted for Political Purposes you will arrive at exactly what the world of humanity faces today.
If you want to focus on facial expressions I can recommend the following:
> Personally I love the work of Paul Ekman. His book "Emotions Revealed" taught me how to interpret and fake facial expressions.
> I stumbled across it because of the TV series "Lie to Me", which should be based on his work/life.
> There are great books about body language, too.
Learn to read faces like a champ. Emotions Revealed
Further reading for the interested:
Donald Nathanson - Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex and the Birth of the Self
(http://www.amazon.com/Shame-Pride-Affect-Birth-Self/dp/0393311090)
Paul Ekman - Emotions Revealed
(http://www.amazon.com/Emotions-Revealed-Second-Recognizing-Communication/dp/0805083391/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309779886&sr=1-1)
Peter Fonagy et al - Affect Regulation, Mentalization and the Development of the Self
(http://www.amazon.com/Affect-Regulation-Mentalization-Development-Self/dp/1590511611/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309779915&sr=1-3)
Alright, some things I've done over the years to help with this stuff.
When it comes to picking up non-verbal clues, I rely almost entirely on Dr. Paul Ekman's Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life. This book changed my life and drastically affected my communications. It's getting to the point that I'm getting better than other people when it comes to recognizing emotions in others. I use the book as a sort of guide to a game that I never learned the rules of. I still make mistakes, but overall I do a pretty good job picking up emotional cues. Treat it as a game (think the conversation bosses in Deus Ex Human Revolution) where you need to figure out the emotional response and respond accordingly.
Second, try learning one of those religious conversion conversation guides. Even if you're not religious, they work wonders. The idea is that religious conversation guides are designed to make the other person feel as comfortable as possible and to feel like you understand them and love them (for the purpose of conversion, but you'll do fine with just letting them feel good.
Personally, I use the FORT method. (Link for an example for a sales version of it called FORM that also contains a good example)
F is for friends (who do stuff together) and family
O is for occupation (job)
R is for religion/recreation (essentially, beliefs/hobbies)
T is for testimony. This is the deeply personal stuff from their life.
So, here's how to use FORT method. The idea is that each stage of FORT represents a new stage in personal relations. You start off with asking basic questions about their family or friends (I'll give an example conversation here in a little bit to demonstrate how it works) and then progressively move down the list as they feel comfortable sharing.
Next, it's helpful to think of these four letters as four rungs of a ladder. If you keep asking about hobbies, but they keep changing it back to their job, then that's a sign that they don't want to get more personal with you, so you back off and stay within that "rung" (only F and O type questions). But, if you ask an F type question and they carry it over to an R type question, then move with them straight to R type questions. Also, you don't have to always try to move down the rung. You can just stay in the FO questions and that's perfectly fine. Many friendships don't enter the RT questions for months.
Second, as you are in a conversation, listen for key words and phrases that you can use to steer the conversation or restart it if it's dying out. For example, you notice that they mentioned their mother 3 times, even when you are asking O type questions. It's fine to just straight up say something like "I noticed you've mentioned your loving mother several times while talking about D&D. When I think of mothers and D&D, disdain is what comes to my mind more than love [soft chuckle as humor is important to communicate that it's a joke and that you're not talking ill of your own mother]. Any particular reason why you brought her up so much?" (NOTE: asking this type of question can jump down to a T type question as you're asking a very personal question about their past. Only do this if you have the time and energy to handle emotional issues. If you do do this, the person will be deeply grateful and consider you a personal friend more often than not).
Lastly, constantly ask questions. Let the other person talk. Every response should contain a question. Every response.
Using the FORT method as a guide, you can get some good conversations going. Treat it as a game where you try to keep the conversation going and keep them interested in that conversation. Last, here's an example of FORT in action.
Conversation Example
NOTE: I will be using a conversation between me and a student as an example
Me: Hello! How are you doing student? How was your weekend?
Student: I'm doing well teacher. This weekend was pretty good.
Me: What did you do over the weekend? I hope you had some fun with your friends (F type question)?
Student: Yeah, I did. We played some Overwatch. Have you seen the new Genji skin? The Japanese one?
Notice, completely skipped O type questions as he is a student and doesn't want to talk about quizzes and tests.
Me: Yeah! That skin is so awesome with the red sword and everything. Have you gotten any of the new summer skins? I am still missing soldier 76's golf pose. (now in R type questions).
Student: Haha, that was the first thing I got (soldier 76 golf pose). I haven't gotten the genji skin or D.Va's Korean skin.
Me: (remembering he mentioned he was playing with friends) Ah, that's a shame. Those are good skins. Hope the games were good over the weekend though. Have any games with your friends that stand out in your mind?
Note: I switched over to a more positive aspect of his recreation. Instead of focusing on the negative (skins he doesn't have that I do have), I switched over to highlights of his gaming experience.
Student: proceeds to tell lengthy story about him pulling off some great play that won him a game
Me: Haha, nice. I'm a terrible Hanzo player so I doubt I could pull off that play. Well, I need to get back to work, but it was good catching up with you.
Student: Yeah, it was good catching up with you teacher!
I get where you are coming from. Wonderful relationships can be a huge trigger for our childhood stuff. I, too, had a narcissistic mother and an absent father. It's taken 3 years of solid work in AA, CoDA, therapy, self help books, etc. But I'm finally starting to make some real progress. However this book had the greatest impact on me.
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=XMEMRGD63ZJBFWN5Z50F
It really explained a LOT of my feelings and behaviors and also outlined some really good solutions. I also did a lot of work around core beliefs and read a lot of Brene Brown's work on shame.
Either way, this is some internal work you have to do. BUT! Good news is, you CAN get through it. PM me if you want to chat more.
I strongly suggest getting and reading Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix together, as a corollary to doing the Imago Therapy he pioneered.
I recommend reading The Truth by u/iamneilstrauss https://www.amazon.com/Truth-Uncomfortable-Book-About-Relationships/dp/0060898763
Even better, if you're really looking for love, check out Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix: https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001
You're welcome!
Harville Hendrix, "Getting the Love You Want"
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466184013&sr=1-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want
I'm not sure what type of at risk you're talking but...
Really good around indigenous addictions issues
https://www.amazon.ca/Firewater-Alcohol-Killing-People-Yours/dp/0889774374
Addictions and poverty!
https://www.amazon.ca/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/0676977413/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1487733189&sr=8-2&keywords=gabor+mate
Existential psychotherapy and death! (Finding this one really helpful currently, never know when someone with a terminal illness is going to pop up)
https://www.amazon.ca/Staring-Sun-Overcoming-Terror-Death/dp/0470401818/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1487733346&sr=1-1&keywords=overcoming+the+terror+of+death
Really silly title. But if you can get past that... The first half explains an incredible theoretical framework for explaining that ridiculous thing that happens to brains during the first six months of relationships and why we constantly choose the wrong partners. I reference the ideas from this book constantly, totally invaluable.
https://www.amazon.ca/Getting-Love-Want-20th-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487733422&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want
I find he's a bit simplistic, this is better in my opinion.
Maybe try this with guys?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKUvKE3bQlY
;)
EDIT: On a serious note, maybe do a little therapy to figure out what part of you is satisfied with being in a relationship with douchey guys.
You could read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001
I found it fascinating because it gave me a lot of insight into why I was with who I was with.
Good luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1518408834&sr=8-4&keywords=emotional+intelligence
Start with this book. If you can buy it, buy it. If you cant buy it, ask your librarian. If they don't have the book, ask them to buy it for the collection (they do that.)
You sound like you are a younger person, so I'm really going to suggest you start paying attention to this now.
I wish I could go back in time and pelt my High School self with copies of this book.
Emotional intelligence is one of the major reasons why millennials don't make it into the professional sector.
Oh man! I'm taking care of my dad with dementia full time and half the time I want to murder him. It is HARD.
I strongly suggest that you find a psychotherapist to talk to and work this out with. It will take a few years but the earlier you start working through your emotions and feelings, the sooner you can move on with your life.
There are things worse than death. Anybody telling you "at least she's still alive," is not speaking through experience. They have no idea... Forgive them. And try not to let their words affect you. They are speaking through ignorance.
I cannot imagine being raised by a parent with dementia... Your feelings are valid. In case you cannot afford a therapist (totally plausible in our country), I suggest reading books. These suggestions may seem off topic, but i have found them to be very helpful in learning how people should interact, how the brain develops, and that there are people out there who interact with the people in their lives with empathy and compassion. You may find it empowering to educate yourself about brain development and psychology.
Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive, Dan Siegel
Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges
Emotional Intelligence 2.0
I wish you luck in life!
Here you go https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625
Personally, I think this is an area that all individuals can and should always actively be working to improve regardless of how great they feel their EQ is. I just recently purchased this test/book after taking the strength finder version. You may find it useful as well https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625. :]
>I know that I'll feel at least marginally better after I finish crying, but the truth is the situation won't have changed at all.
No, but your emotional state will be closer to equilibrium, which makes you better equipped to deal with the real-world situation.
The need for the release you're feeling is pretty straightforwardly a physiological phenomenon and you're trying to rule one part of your brain (the limbic system) with a completely different part of your brain, your rational mind (the prefrontal cortex), which might work over time, but it will make things much easier if you just let off the emotional steam that's building up. You're better off thinking of these two systems within your brain as two different people. The one having the problem has its own mechanisms for dealing with stress, but you're preventing it from using them. Step back from that, get out of the way, let the catharsis happen, and then see how much clearer you'll be able to think.
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 is a great book on the subject if you're interested in delving into this in a scientifically grounded way that's still practically applicable, not just to pent up emotions, but to all aspects of life, essentially developing higher Emotional Intelligence (EQ), which is closely associated with intuitive cognitive processes, which account for much more of our behavior than conscious thought.
If you’re not abusive, neglectful, or just an asshole, you didn’t do anything wrong. It hurts to be left that way, but you don’t need to reflect on your nice behavior because one person left.
A few very powerful messages for me:
This book is spoken toward girls, but it really it just relationship advice in general.
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X/ref=asc_df_141690977X_nodl/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312057360383&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5468491066449240089&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1014843&hvtargid=aud-800640527683:pla-436583294301&psc=1
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Af-jZUR3ua0
People sometimes shit on it but, He's Just Not That Into You is something all single men and women should read. The jist of it in your situation is that you shouldn't fight to convince someone to be with you. Don't make excuses for other people's behavior. Take it at face value. Your BF told you he wants to break up. Believe him.
Is there a chance he'll wake up tomorrow and think he's made a huge mistake? Sure, but there's a chance that you'll also get struck by lightening. You can't and don't expect it to happen.
Go no contact (/r/ExNoContact), and work on placing value in building a great relationship with yourself.
Reading this book really changed my perspective when I was dating. It really breaks it down to be as simple as it truly is...that’s he’s just not that into you. Guys are simple, but at the same time don’t have the balls to tell you how they truly feel. This book gave me a lot of power and helped prevent heartbreak by realizing this sooner in a relationship. I’d recommend it to anyone...male, female, gay or straight.
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X
This is going to sound like I'm just being a bitch but for real, there is a book you should read. It's called He's Just Not That Into You.
Quote from He's Just Not That Into You, chapter 7 "...if he's not marrying you": "What kind of knucklehead has a problem marrying the love of his life?" Your bf may not be that into marriage, but he wouldn't be doing it for himself, he'd be doing it for you/the relationship, because he loves you and it would make you happy. I suggest you get the book out of the library and read the whole thing.
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X
I touched on this above, but I guess I can elaborate. Again, I'm talking about my experience with social groups/cultures I've been in.
Basically, it's pretty common for women who make the first move to develop a reputation for being pushy, needy, desperate, slutty, etc. Some of that comes from men who don't know how to handle being pursued by someone they're not into, some of it comes from other men and women who see it happening. I know you could say this is analogous to the whole "creepshaming" thing, but in my experience it happens way faster and with less cause. I'm guessing because the woman approaching is breaking a social norm, where the man approaching, even if he does it in the "wrong" way, isn't.
Plus, once you have that reputation it's kind of self-perpetuating. You get an "Oh my god, look at her throwing herself at him" one time, and then that's what you're doing every time you approach from then on. That negatively impacts the way other people see you, including romantic interests. It's not a big deal if you're looking for a ONS or whatever with a stranger, since how are they supposed to know, but if you want actual relationships with people you already know, it can cause issues.
In addition to that, if everybody in your social circle is really invested in the idea that men pursue and women don't, then breaking out of that makes any rejection conspicuous in a way that it wouldn't be otherwise. So there's an extra dose of humiliation on top of your rejection.
And then you get guys who seriously dislike being asked out, who basically ruin it for everyone. With them in the mix, it's like, I could ruin this from the start by making the first move, or I could flirt and signal and whatever like everybody says I'm supposed to anyway and he'll probably ask me out whether he's OK with being approached or not.
EDIT: I do want to say, like I said in the other comment, it's not like this happens every time. I've pursued before and it's been fine. But it's common enough that, coupled with sometimes quite explicit pressure to never make the first move or too many moves (the He's Just Not That Into You-type mentality is pretty popular with people I know), sometimes it's not worth it.
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1347812397&sr=8-2&keywords=he%27s+just+not+that+into+you
[On average, each human foot produces a pint of sweat a day.] (http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/information/anatomy/question514.htm) Which is why you should throw away all your cotton socks and buy wool or synthetic. [Used is fine] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/141690977X/ref=tmm_pap_used_olp_sr?ie=UTF8&condition=used&sr=&qid=)
http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful/dp/1570628122
I really like David Richo's stuff. I read him in high school when I was trying to better my self esteem, get ready for life after moving out, and learn how to be a good partner. His book "How to be an adult in relationships" is really good.
I have some of these myself, I think they are hard to get on your own without some type of therapy or support group. I sure like this book, maybe it'll help you too.
not that specific but some books that have helped me in my identity and emotions and improved my life
the broken way
how to be an adult in relationships
I’ve heard the road back to you (enneagram book) is amazing
soul cravings
I don’t really read a lot of the typical christian literature, I found I can’t really relate to the women on the covers and their stories or life stages
Dr. Laura’s books might be worthwhile
also probably some good sermons on the subject
I've found this book to be helpful in not only my relationships but how I act towards people in general. http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful/dp/1570628122
Some folks here have good advice. I have this issues for sure. There is a good book called:
https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful/dp/1570628122
I personally am open to the idea that my current relationship may fail one day if I dont work at it. But I have to work at it. If I dont, who else will. I try to open honest, and check in with my partner. Be honest with feelings and really try to forgive her and myself for the wreckage. Thanks
Until you can see a pro, how about a self-help book? They're cheesy, but out of the cheese, there's usually a message or two that can really help. I've read a few to help me with my very irritating mental illness and while there's a lot of eye-rolling as I read, there's also quite a bit of 'hmm, that's a good idea.' Stuff like this is available on Amazon.
I see two things here, your mother keeping you artificially dependent, which as result isn't good for your self esteem which as a result influences your relationship with your friends and boyfriend.
Now, the same interest and nothing to talk about thing can be learned with books like this for example.
As for your mother interfering the way she does, you will have to learn how to assert your boundaries. There are books for that,too
This is a really important phase in your life, if you hang in there now you can avert a lot of unhappiness in the future.
Not that it's going to be easy, when family members decide to change it upsets the whole family because they can't count on your assigned role anymore, whatever that might be in your case. There will be resistance, but it's worth it.
Funny - I went through a similar transition when I was only a year or two younger than you.
What you need is a goal outside of your relationship - a driving force for yourself and your career, dreams about what kind of kickass life you want to be living, ideas on where you want to travel and live, and plans to make those things happen. You need to be fearless about deciding what you want in life, and all the assertiveness, confidence, and self-reliance that are inherent in womanhood will come as a result of that.
You need to think long and hard about what you want out of life, and then decide to make it happen. Nothing is too grandiose - do you want to live in the South of France? It can happen. Do you want to eventually own your own company? It can happen. The luxury of your age is that you have time to make these things happen.
To me, being a "woman" means you don't give a shit what other people think about you because you've got your goals and desires figures out (but you are still kind and polite). It means that you're life isn't dictated by fear - and it means that you are self-reliant. Therefore, any man, any career choice, any group of friends that comes into your life is evaluated by you according to whether it brings good or bad to the table for you. You don't settle for anything out of convenience.
It comes down to assertiveness, confidence, and a willingness to shamelessly ask for what you want. You already sound intelligent, you just need to learn to be stronger; with strength, you gain sex appeal. Lots of it. All of a sudden, you're a hot item, because you need to be won, you don't seem to just settle for whatever comes your way.
Know your value, know your worth. I can guarantee you it's much higher than you think right now.
Regarding your partner: if you want to still be with him, do so, but it would be a red flag for me if I hadn't had sex for months with my BF - especially at 25. Why spin your wheels at your age with someone who isn't setting you on fire with excitement? I'll tell you why: because you're afraid to leave him.
Don't live your life out of fear. Ever. Dive in full-on, take risks, and push yourself to keep growing.
Read this ridiculous book: Why Men Love B*****s - just get it! It's great, it summarizes the idea of being kind, but also prioritizing yourself first.
Read and complete the exercises in this book: The Assertiveness Workbook - a wonderful, scientifically backed-up personal course in being more assertive.
Read this great book: The Defining Decade
Get better at socializing: How to Win Friends and Influence People
In terms of motivational books to figure out what you want to do with your life? Jesus - there's too many good ones out there. Google any list of "top motivational books", "books about planning life" etc. To start - the books Willpower and Grit were useful for me.
Additionally, there's Brene Brown for a softer approach to finding what you're about as a human being. Braving the Wilderness is a great pick - and for something a bit more direct, read Unfu*k Yourself.
This is going to sound nuts, but read all of these. If you play videogames, stop. If you spend too much time on reddit, stop. Read to pass your time now, and keep growing. These books will help you learn to be strong, sexy, and give you control over your life.
I've heard 'What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't" by Dr. Novotni get recommended at least once on this sub, and saved it for later consideration/purchase. It is a social skills book specifically designed for adults with ADHD. Haven't read it yet, so I can't personally speak to it beyond to it being exactly about this topic, and liking the title.
I am sure there are also other social skills books that might not be specifically geared to ADHDers that would be good -- maybe even better?
I was scanning some papers I still had laying around, and that included some copies of chapters from two separate books that I remember thinking of as being potentially great resources. The first one is 'The Assertiveness Workbook' by Dr. Paterson -- which I suspect would be targeted more towards social anxiety, but might be helpful in that it would be explicit about how to assert yourself without being too submissive or too aggressive. Though, a potential drawback is that it might assume basic social skills -- though it might not, given that social anxiety would potentially cause one to doubt their understanding of social skills, thus making a review of social skills more defensible. The other was 'The Feeling Good Handbook' by Burns, a psychiatrist, specifically a chapter on "five secrets of intimate communication" -- I am not sure that would be worth buying the whole book or not, but the chapter looked good to me.
Note, I linked to Amazon on all books because it is a fairly standard, mainstream place for reviewing and purchasing books via the internet, and because it often includes previews of books -- it might be worth googling any one of these titles if any of them seem interesting enough. The lattermost one, for instance, is from the 1980s, so I am not sure what else you could find on it at little-to-no cost, and certainly local libraries may have one or more of these in stock as well. I was surprised to find my college library has some workbooks online for unlimited viewing (though limited copying/saving) through their website.
Hope this helps!
Check out this video on how to be more aggressive.
Also, there's an area between passive, and aggressive. This is where assertiveness lies. There's a good book on the topic with actionable items: The Assertiveness Workbook. Have a look at that as well, as it may be useful.
And, in England, even the Soccer millionaires are being looked down by people who do matter.
http://www.amazon.com/Chavs-Demonization-Working-Owen-Jones/dp/1844678644
Do you have a cogent argument for why that isn't the case?
This book was critically acclaimed and more or less makes my argument. Have a read of the précis.
Edit: And the downvotes do the talking...
Chavs: The Demonization of the Working Class by Owen Jones.
It's simply the best book about the effect of the rapid destructing of Britain's industry and the consequences of that on the working class. It's affecting, sad and brilliant. The cases are well thought out and his reasoning is faultless.
A truly peerless book.
There's a very interesting book on "Chavs" you should probably read. :)
> Now, I have to ask, (and there may be a reason - I am asking for interest not as a challenge) What does a "hippy Leftie" see in UKIP?
Ok, firstly let me invite you to read over this. It was a response to a question about how UKIP are setting the agenda.
Toward the end of that I referred to The Broken Compass/ The Cameron Delusion by Peter Hitchens.
Summarising Hitchens' argument in an extreme way gives you something like this:
a. Socialism is bad. Not even just BAD. Socialism is BAD!
b. The Labour party has a socialist plan that requires several decades in power.
c. The Conservative party is complicit in helping the evil socialist plan.
d. When the Conservatives are in power they deliberately don't roll back the evil socialism.
e. This allows the Left to roll out their evil plan in stages while the Right pretends to oppose it.
f. The Conservatives should be kept out of power until they're forced to reform and stop supporting this nonsense.
Hitchens is not, in my opinion, a good writer. He is, however, a compelling writer. I disagree with him almost diametrically on the conclusion he draws, but I do agree with a lot of the problems he identified getting to it.
How I see it is that:
a. There is no actual conspiracy. Just short-termism, self-interest, stupidity and greed.
b. The Left has become infected with the policies and attitudes of the Right.
(In the post I linked I explained the rush for the political Centre: Blair was so successful in leading his party in a huge lurch to the Right that playing the middle of the road became the only game in town.)
To quote George Galloway , "I care nothing for the Conservatives of the Liberal Democrats. I wish them political perdition. But I do care about the Labour party [...] and I want to [...] appeal to the Labour party to turn away and break decisively from the path of treason set for them by Tony Blair almost twenty years ago and from which they have not properly resiled. They must stop taking their supporters for granted. They must stop imagining that working people and poor people have no option but to support them[...]"
Quick detour: I sometimes read books in pairs. I bought The Cameron Delusion and Chavs: The demonisation of the working class at the same time. This is an interesting counterbalance to Hitchens, but much more to the point it's a reminder than the shitting on the working class is not the exclusive entertainment of the Right.
One more thing to cover quickly: Blair dragged Labour to The Centre If you imagine it like a ruler with Labour and the Conservatives starting at the ends this moves them to literally around the centre. (50cm'ish.) The Conservatives followed suit under Cameron, but the Centre is now somewhere in the region of 70-80cm. It's not impossible that people from the Right might not see it that way, but that's how it seems to me.
OK, I think that'll do for what I think is wrong with the Left:
a. Huge lurch to the Right.
b. Assumption that they're entitled to the support of the poor and the working class.
c. Comprehensive failure to represent the poor and the working class.
Setting aside Hitchens' conspiracy theory where I do agree with him is that you best influence your politicians by punishing them when they behave badly. This is where, "You MUST vote Conservative or Labour or you waste your vote!" serves us terribly. It means they can treat you like shit and you have to take it.
OK, a second detour: Anatol Rapoport proposed a game theory algorithm he called Tit For Tat. More or less this is, "Cooperate until the other player betrays you. Then punish them until they resume cooperation." Or: Every time you screw me over I will slap you until you quit it.
Aside from the fact that five year electoral cycles are a problem, I think this is a good way to handle politicians. They're not inherently valuable. They're not important or special. They are supposed to work for us. There're conflicts of interest in that, but that is what they're for.
(Having to rush a little now, need to leave for work soon.)
UKIP are eating support from the Conservatives. This forces the Conservative party to reconfigure to acknowledge its Right wing support. I don't agree with those people, but I do think their party ought to represent them and to stop assuming entitlement to their support.
The utter neglect of and spite toward the poor and the working class from Labour means that a lot of those people are considering voting UKIP. They might be misguided in doing so, but you're not going to argue that it's not going to happen.
This means that UKIP support influences both the Conservatives and Labour. Better yet, they leverage both sides, which means larger numbers, which means more influence.
I'll suggest two books for you:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Chavs-Demonization-Working-Owen-Jones/dp/1844678644
One part of this book documents this sort of thing well. Related to the Madeline McCann girl missing.
Graham Smith
First off, it's really great of you to be sensitive to your friend's feelings. It's awesome that you know what you want and are safe about it.
There is no shame in being into BDSM! Of course, different people react differently to the knowledge that someone they know is on the kinkier side of things.
Here have been my experiences. I was raped for several years as a kid. As an adult, I'm very into BDSM (I really don't think my past experience had anything at all to do with that, it's just how I am). I won't go into the details of my preferences because that's not relevant here, but I'd like to share what helped me explain my lifestyle to those around me.
Earlier this year my dad found marks and bruises, which led to a lot of questions. He wondered, did this have anything to do with my experience as a child? Was I being abused by my partner? Was this related to my struggles with self-injury?
I explained things as best as I could. I'm in a loving, safe, consensual relationship. There is a lot of trust and communication between everyone involved. What I do fulfills me and makes me happy. Finally, I got him this book, When Someone you Love is Kinky. It's a great introduction to those who are more on the vanilla side of things.
If your friend is intelligent and perceptive, then it sounds like she'll understand. Sometimes our feelings don't always align with our thoughts, but sometimes being confronted with things that you know are okay but make you uncomfortable is a great way of pushing past that discomfort. It can lead to greater contentment overall, facing those feelings.
I wish you and your friend the best!
I'd start with When Someone You Love is Kinky by Easton and Liszt and take the conversation from there. See if they'd be at all interested in learning more and taking on a Dom role.
>he knows I have friends that engage in BDSM
What does he think of those friends? Does he respect them? Is he accepting? Could any of them give you advice in this situation?
Personally, I think you ought to tell him what you're after, if for no other reason than this: any relationship which can't survive after the people involved bare their deepest feelings and desires to each other probably wasn't going to fulfill those desires any time soon. You deserve to be with someone who can make you happy, and it sounds like this is a part of that; maybe that means staying with this guy, and maybe it doesn't, but you might as well find out.
You might have some luck with the book "When Someone You Love is Kinky" (Amazon). I'd suggest reading it, yourself, and giving it to him if talking things over doesn't go well.
How about instead of 50 Shades tickets (the kink community is not excited about that movie, it's a depiction of abuse not actual BDSM) try This book
Sorry to hear what you went through. I've been through something similar. FWIW, this book helped me understand what the hell had happened to me.
At the time, even though I could see it was a problem as it was unfolding, I was a little trapped by circumstance (new baby, sole breadwinner at the time). The book really helped me recover from the fall-out. You, your friend or the folks contemplating legal action might find it helpful.
Break it off, refuse to see him again. Read this book. Enjoy your life.
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
I do not have manipulative siblings but I had to deal with a predatory manipulative boss b*tch and this book was an eye opener. It actually helped me to start setting the boundaries with that person and also to understand the dynamics of our relationship. Good luck, OP, this is not an easy task but you can do it!
Not sure if you will read this but the following has been true for me.
Manipulative people have ways of making you love them that is wholly unhealthy. You won't realise it until you see what a happy relationship is like.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/In-Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Manipulative/dp/1935166301
That book is a good start, it's all kind of obvious in hind sight but helps point out things that you may or may not be aware of.
Understanding that my mom is either narcissistic or borderline was worlds of help. That and reading Carolyn McBride's book on the subject. It was the first time I was able to start getting a control over my responses.
And as others are pointing out, moving out. It was still rough for the first 6 - 12 months. I think she eventually realized what she could and couldn't pull, and she needed my help (she and my dad have a lot of health problems).
It helped that she wasn't as malignant as some NMs I've seen. She acts like a totally different person when you don't live with her. We call each other, I help them out, she actually helped me out for a few days when I broke my ankle and couldn't get after my son.
But I have adjusted my expectations for the relationship. My mom is never going to be someone who gives advice. She is never going to be someone who can think through a problem. She panics, settles on an irrational course of action, then gets stuck -- she cannot think any further on solving it. She is never going to be anything other than a martyr.
This past Easter, I arranged a big family get-together. My mom kept volunteering to do things. I kept dissuading her...to no avail. The day of, she's overwhelmed with stuff to do, snapping at everyone around her, complaining that she's "just going to go home," while walking around all sour, etc. This started affecting the people around her, particularly my brother. I have learned to act like everything is completely normal and I don't notice her behavior at all. I do not engage with it, and sooner or later, the tantrum wears out.
After that, I also learned: I am not telling her about any events until the day before, so she doesn't have time to volunteer or do anything. It's better when she just shows up.
Once I started understanding her and how to interact with someone like her, we had a better relationship. But we are never going to be close.
I see so many women in my situation who are, years later, hung up on the mother they never had. Yeah, it would've been nice to have a better mom than the one I did. But I'm not going to wait for it to happen. It's never going to happen and it has nothing to do with me, and I refuse to be swallowed in the anger of it.
So I just bought this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B001AO0GD6
From what I've read, it's really good. She is going to start reading it tonight. Let's see if that helps with the everything on my wife's end.
The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane
The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane. It's not a corny self-help book. The advice and tools are actually practical and easy to apply in social and business settings.
Oh and another thing that could help you become the best version of yourself is to study books on how to be more charismatic.
The Charisma Myth: Master the Art of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane is a great book.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005GSZZ24/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
I highly recommend the exercises in this: https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism-ebook/dp/B005GSZZ24/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1523905583&sr=8-3&keywords=the+charisma+myth
Get this book:
The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005GSZZ24/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_x.JFAbA6R95VK
It's on sale today! Huge sale too for the Kindle version. I paid $15 last month!
Make some personality gainz
Wow, that book looks great! The top review on its Amazon page is downright glowing. Thanks for the recommendation!
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0805083391
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This book provides fantastic insight into understanding how emotions work on the psychological and physiological level. This is extremely useful information to know if you are striving to become more mindful and focused on your own emotional awareness.
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ETA: This book also helps you recognise emotions in others. For someone that isn't terribly self-aware it's a huge benefit to be able to pick up on subtle cues from others as you interact with them. Assholes typically go about the world with blinders on. It's important to incorporate the a habit of observing the emotional state of others when we are communicating or interacting with other people.
Check out the books Emotions Revealed and Telling lies by Dr. Paul Eckman who is an expert in facial expession analysis (main character in the show Lie To Me was loosely based on him). The first book goes into detail about how facial expressions are hardcoded and intrinsically linked to our emotions. It turns out that facial expressions linked to the basic emotions (happy, sad, fear, surprise, anger, contempt and disgust) are universal and by studying the facial expressions connected to these emotions, you can become better at reading people. Also in many cases when people are hiding their emotions they display subconscious cues of how they are actually feeling and sometimes micro expressions. Reading this book and studying it really helped my ability to read people.
The second book is a more thorough study of how lying works on a biological basis and lie detection works, but also discusses why it's really really diffict to do accurately (also describes why polygraph tests are bullshit). Both are great books and definitely worth a read.
You're both aware she has deeply seated abandonment issues, and as a consequence, to protect herself, she pushes people away.
If you want to make this work, you'l need to do all the dancing around her unwillingness/inability to compromise.
Therapy is a really good idea, and I'd start with this book: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001
i think you may be too passive and are perhaps not as assertive... he's basically walking all over you. find ways to be more assertive and take control of your life... this book might help.
You might try reading this (not just for married couples, naturally): http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743227336/
Duuuude... You have some major self esteem issues...
You should try reading the book "The Game." It's a book that's supposed to help guys get girls, but really just helps out in any/every aspect of social interactions with people, male or female; how to talk to people, how to get stand out in a crowd (whether that be during a job interview or trying to hit on girls), how to make an outstanding first impression, even how to act and dress presentably. Seriously try it. One of my friends said it changed his life, which is weird because I met him after he read it and he's now one of the most outgoing people I know, but apparently he was super awkward and panicked when ever he had to talk to someone (male/female).
I would honestly recommend it to anyone, I've never had self esteem issues and LOVE talking to people and meeting people, including women, but I learned so many other valuable skills from it. http://www.amazon.com/The-Game-Penetrating-Society-Artists/dp/0061995320
Not trying to be uncaring here, but what are the chances you and your ex look at working it out? It sounds like she's broken and with luck maybe you can help.
Getting the Love you Want is a really amazing book.
I would ditch the flirting and learn how to just confidently hold a conversation with anyone.
https://amzn.com/B005GSZZ24
Take charge of your life and change your outcomes. Read a book and learn from the mistakes of others.
There is an interested explanation of this in "You Just Don't Understand" (https://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622/).
Roughly: men seek to establish independence in conversations, and one way to do that is to not follow instructions given to them. So when a man's wife/GF asks him to do something, he may instinctively "disobey" the instruction to establish his independence. Of course, this causes the wife/GF to repeat the instruction 5 minutes later, resulting in nagging.
No time for that. I live by this.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Asshole-Rule-Civilized-Workplace/dp/0446698202
Makes life a lot sweeter.
It is.