DON'T WORRY CITIZENS!

Alice Miller, "The Drama of the Gifted Child"
> WAHHHHH! BEING SMART IS HARD!

Ta-Nehisi Coates, "Between the World and Me"
>Everyone's a little bit racist

Simone De Beauvoir, "The Ethics of Ambiguity"
>Existentialist navelgazing

Albert Camus, "The Plague"
> More existentialism, but this time people die

Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"
>What if being some sort of cuck soyboy was actually kinda badass?

Atul Gawande, "Being Mortal"
> Killing them softly, with his loving take on the role of modern medicine in death.

Ali Rivzi, "The Atheist Muslim"
>Being an edgy teenager, but on "difficult" mode

Muhammad Yunus, "A World of Three Zeroes"
>Zero Poverty, Zero Unemployment, and Zero Net Carbon Emissions... also zero sex scenes.

ETA: short, possibly misleading synopses by someone who hasn't read these books.

One way to get better at this skill is to read the book Difficult Conversations. The general outline is that there are (at least) three levels on which people hear things:

• statements about the facts of the world
  
  
• statements about the speaker's/listener's feelings.
  
  
• statements about the speaker's/listener's identity.
  
  That last one is the most powerful, and therefore the post potentially dangerous. If you are trying to say "you should be more careful with your code", be careful you don't unintentionally say "you are a shitty programmer".
  
  Another tip from How to Win Friends and Influence People is to praise in public and criticize in private. Criticizing someone publicly requires them to be humiliated or to disagree with you.
  
  edit: here->hear

Agreed, I cringe anytime someone asks me something like this. I suck at generalities and feel like this question requires such a specific answer. Couple that with the fact that I don't do the same things from week to week, or month to month, and my mind goes reeling searching for the correct response. A million possible answers flash through my mind, and I can't decide on a specific thing that I know I'll end up discussing further, so I stammer out, "Oh not much, you?"

Edit - To all of you extroverts offering me tips and advise, I wasn't asking for any. Introverts are not broken we are just different. 30% of the world is populated with introverts. And we don't feel compelled to change. If you want to understand us, read this book

The other commenters here have had a lot of great advice, especially about you seeking external validation and being a bit over-devoted and expecting the same. It sounds a lot like you and your wife are not on the same page regarding expectations and the only thing that can fix that is communication. However, with how built-up this is for you, that is going to be very difficult. I'd really recommend you find some therapy for yourself to help arm you with tools to solve this and similar problems now and in the future.

Before you stray from your marriage or end it, you need to do some homework. See if you can get your wife reading the same things. First, read Come As You Are for a more nuanced understanding of the differences in types of sexual response patterns. Then, read Mating in Captivity for long-term relationship sparky sparks.

Non Violent Communication is an excellent read. Don't let the title put you off, it's a crash course in conflict resolution and extremely easy to follow and apply.

Source

Watching this video and some of the others referenced, he seems to be saying that it's wrong to bulk classify all relationships between post-pubescent teenagers and adults as predatory, or at least that not all are predatory in the assumed direction. This is not a new idea. It also doesn't change that such behavior is illegal if the teen is below the age of consent.

According to the other referenced times he talked about pedophilia, he was molested himself by a priest at a young age - but he clearly views himself as the aggressor, and thus doesn't view it as rape, sexual assault or molestation. Legally, however, it was certainly a crime (statutory rape), because he was under the age of consent, but he can't square this with his own perception of events. He doesn't think of the priest as a villain, and refuses to identify the priest.

It's also not a new idea that young gay or bisexual men seek out older men for a relationship. This is, in fact, implied as a reason for gay hatred in the book Sperm Wars. The book is well sourced, and describes older civilizations where 50% or more of men were bisexual or gay, and the cultural expectation that gay and bisexual teens (around age 13) would seek out older men as mentors - intellectually, sexually and economically. The sexual advantage of bisexual men in this scenario (as described in the book, which is, obviously, of an evolutionary biology bent) is that early access to an experienced partner made them more successful with heterosexual women in their later teen years, compared to heterosexual men with no experience at all.

From the perspective of heterosexual men, this behavior means greater risk of venereal disease, competitive loss of early mate access, and economic disadvantage in a male-dominated society, which explains why heterosexual men might unite to fight against this behavior. Obviously we're (mostly) past this bigotry now, but it does still exist.

I would be shocked if these ideas aren't talked about in the homosexual community, especially if they really do feel an instinct to reach out to older men as teens (and Milo said that was exactly his motivation). It makes sense that homosexuals that experienced this behavior in themselves may see attempts to cast them as victims as wrong. From their perspective, making such activity illegal is a form of homophobia.

That said, anything that can be tied to pedophilia (and while Milo is technically correct that pedophilia is sexual attraction towards pre-pubescent children, anyone below the age of consent is the more widespread cultural, and of course legal, usage) is a political third rail and he's clearly a political figure. This is when advocating for personal responsibility and rejecting victimhood means you accept you were wrong and suffer the consequences.

This is what worked for me, more than once: It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken. To cheer you up in the mean time: Hyperbole and a Half: God of Cake.

And as just a probably-too-soon postscript here: no man who doesn't want to be with you, for any reason, can possible be the perfect man for you. And as to feeling complete with an SO, I stopped getting crushed by break-ups (though they always hurt) after I started to look into being complete on my own. This, for me, was a big change, but it doesn't have to be. I followed all my dreams: to get in shape and be stylish and beautiful, to be a writer, a dancer, to get my PhD in Biology. I also worked on myself as a person so that I learned to take more risks, not to fear information or stay willfully ignorant, tried to be empathic and kind to people who were suffering even if I didn't understand it completely, and try to live with as little bitterness and judgement of others as possible. I learned how to forgive without an apology, to have conflict without fighting, to stop talking all the time and listen more.

I have been with my partner now for 5 years, we are both 40 and no spring chickens. I love him madly, and know he is a special man for me, and we have a relationship that can never be duplicated. But with all that, even though I know a break-up would be really hard for me, even with all the time behind us, our ages, and the life we've built together, I know I would make it if things had to end. I am my complete self with him and without him. I love him, but he is my partner not my other half and not my identity.

Wow, that got long, all I meant to do was recommend the book! Sorry for all the too-soon advice, I went someplace weird inside myself, your post clearly touched me a great deal.

OK, now for some more appropriate advice. Go easy on yourself and take it day by day. Do not turn people away who want to support you, accept it -- you deserve it. Be kind to yourself the same way you would a friend in your situation: do things that are good for you, but not self-destructive (e.g. two bowls of ice cream is a special treat, two gallons might have you hating yourself; sleeping late is indulgent, staying in bed all day....probably not the best idea). Cry! Cry A LOT! It's good for you and totally appropriate. Don't keep trying to force yourself to look into (anything but the very near) future. You really can only be reasonably sure of what will happen this week, so there's no telling what will be going on months from now. Call all your besties back home and whine and complain all you want, this is your big chance! You deserve it. Good luck, hon, and all the best.

I'm currently reading a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Fantastic book, well worth the fifteen or so bucks.

>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.

You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).

To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.

It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.

Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.

It's not exactly the same thing, but I feel like this phenomenon is related to the one discussed in Jon Ronson's book So You've Been Publicly Shamed. I think it's a real problem of our age, and it seems like the amount of damage it is causing -- not just on the personal level for those people who've had the internet hate machine pointed at them, but for its chilling effect on discourse in general -- is underappreciated, or at least under-discussed.

​

I don't think most people would have chosen to live in a world where a single mistaken comment online or the expression of a "bad" opinion can lead to loss of employment, social ostracism, and death threats. Yet here we are. It feels somewhat like a Malthusian trap of the comments section.

​

Edit: Disclaimer, that book is a pretty stressful read. At least, it was for me. Don't get me wrong, I think it's important and well executed, but the subject matter is stressful.

Thank you for this. I think I need to figure out a way to have a situation somewhat like this.

Right now, he's so frustrated in general about it, he's like, "LET'S BONE! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO!!??" And when I tell him I don't know, he gets mad, doesn't believe me, makes crazy assumptions like I'm cheating.

All of that definitely doesn't help me get in the mood. And right now, I'm not able to just say, "SEX, let's do it." I don't like it. I know he's upset. But to have sex when I don't feel it, it just doesn't seem right.

---
EDIT: Since this is a higher comment, I'll put this here. Thanks everyone for the advice and wonderful words.

I ordered Come as You Are and Mating in Captivity. I'm going to give them a read and not-so-subtly leave the books out so he can see I'm doing something for the cause.

Asking for sources is a Good practice.



The book “Sperm Wars” by Robin Baker lays out in detail both how it works and why.



https://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489


This article says the same thing I said: many can’t from penetration (75% it says here), and some never do at all (10% it says).



https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289


This article mentions up top that 5-10% can’t at all, although the article is not about that exactly.


https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2011/05/why-cant-some-women-orgasm-neuroscience-might-finally-have-an-answer/238767/

There are two growth spurts that occur in the human brain. The first happens when you are very young and the second happens in your twenties. The first growth spurt occurs during the first few years of your life and happens in the area of your brain that is closest to your spinal column. Billions of neurons are created during this time. This portion of the brain is responsible for emotions, sex-drives, hunger cravings, and feelings -- pretty much all of your primal instincts. The addition of so many neurons in so little time gives children's brains the plasticity to learn so many languages and words at a young age. The neurons that are not used during this time are killed off, but the frontal lobe of the brain has not yet developed. This is why kids are so good at remembering so many words, but are really bad at putting them into sentences. They'll be good at games, or putting square blocks into square holes, but they'll forget to tie their shoes, forget their lunches, or put theirs shirts on backwards -- because their frontal lobe has not yet developed.

The second growth spurt occurs in your frontal lobe and doesn't happen until your late twenties. The frontal lobe is the portion of your brain that is directly behind your forehead. It is responsible for rationality, criticalness, and forward-thinking. A lot of evolutionary psychologists think this happens to prepare us one last time for adulthood. If you're in your twenties, than for the last time ever in your life, billions of neurons are being added to your frontal lobe, with thousands of connections each to prepare you for decision making going forward.

People in their twenties are generally confused. They could have went to a good college, but don't know how to start their careers. They could have been valedictorians in high school, but don't know how to choose someone to date and don't know why. Or they feel like fakes, because they managed to get good jobs but cannot calm themselves down at work.

The brain doesn't develop itself into a forward-thinking, rational, complete brain until you enter your thirties. Many psychologists call twentysomething brains "uneven" because they are not fully developed yet.

For more information, you can read "Defining Decade" by Meg Jay. If you want, I can mail you my copy.

These people need to read this book (fully knowing they never will):

Mating in Captivity

https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641

And there it is. Change of circumstance. Circumstance plays a huge part in female sexuality. Have you ever heard the classic joke advice about how to get your wife to have more sex with you--Do the laundry, do the dishes. A woman seeing her husband step up to help her out with taking care of the home can put her in a different mindset and get her motor running. Obviously this varies from person to person. A different wife might get stressed out by her husband doing the laundry (he's not folding clothes the right way! etc).

How is she supposed to "try harder?" She's just going to suddenly want sex more by sheer willpower? Nope. You two need to educate yourselves more on sexuality, sex drives, and get to know the circumstances under which you do and do not feel turned on. I recommend Mating In Captivity for both of you and Come As You Are for her.

Recognize that this is a problem and without concrete efforts to educate and reframe the situation, nothing will change. You can't keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. But it sounds like you are both willing to try, and that's what is most important.

Matt doesn't need to read every single comment everywhere for this to be an issue. Say when there's a podcast, there's 100 comments. Matt could only read 20 and still see some about him not being there.
And those comments can range from soft and constructive to somewhat shitty and outright asshole.

And yeah he could have give normal responses. A lot of the time, he has given them. 'I'm at this con.' 'I'm dealing with a business emergency.' 'I'm on a family vaction.' But sometimes people don't see those normal responses or don't care and still throw things his way.

So again. We don't see what Matt's seeing. We may look in a Reddit thread and see A shitty comment and ignore it. But Matt, who has to pay attention to all forms of feedback as part of his job. He'll see that one shitty comment and it's proably the 12th he's seen and say 'there's not that much today.'

EDIT: If you are still not sure what my point is, read this. It's about when people are mad at you on social media. Not a perfect comparison as the examples are extreame, but gives some insight.

In the book Not "Just Friends", Dr. Glass explains that persons with prior sexual history should be off limits because they've already had shared experiences and lowered boundaries. Having this guy around doesn't just sound like a bad idea from you, from the professionals, and other redditors; it IS a bad idea!

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I am the wayward in my relationship and my wife and I have been in R for over 4 years.

This isn't your fault. Read this over and over again. What you are going through is the discovery that the person the that you had invested in a relationship which you believed was monogamous has shown you that the relationship wasn't the same for them.

The innocent trust, safety, and security, which was invested at the beginning of the relationship is gone. It was wiped away from finding out the person you trusted attacked the foundation of the relationship.

Most professionals put this timeline for this healing at 2-5 years, and there is good reason for this timeline. First is that the wayward has lost all credibility in their words, which requires them to back up those words with actions. If the actions they do don't match the words they say then that sets off alarms. It takes consistent effort and work on the part of the wayward to show the betrayed that they mean what they say and doesn't happen in weeks.

Most of the world believes that getting over infidelity is: Forgive, Forget, move on. This is complete bullshit because in order to get over this you need to be shown that the person you are sharing your relationship is still not betraying you and sharing it with others behind your back.

So lets look at this formula which is usually spouted by those who don't know shit about healing from infidelity.

Forgive - You cannot forgive what you don't know about. This is why you will continue to ask questions. When something the wayward says just doesn't make sense you will question. Questioning helps you in two ways. First it is a check to see if your memory is right about an answer given. This is because there is a "Trauma Fog" in the brain after you discovery infidelity. Your brain is racing full stop 100% because its trying to figure out if you are safe or not. This is tiring so you are dealing with that. Second it is a check on the wayward to see if the story is the same. Sadly most waywards just lie, and they build stories. Problem is that since the events in the lies are false, there is no real memory to rely on to repeat them verbatim. There will be mistakes made and things will change if they are lying.

You aren't doing this to torture your wayward, you are doing this because this is controlled by the limbic system in the brain which controls the fight or flight impulses. This system is NOT controlled by the logical systems in the brain and works kinda independently. This is why you can't will this stuff away and it keeps coming back.

So the fact is that you need to know if what you have been told is the truth. The brain, under the control of the limbic system is going up and down the timeline of the relationship in your memory trying to sort out the truth of the relationship, the truth of what you have been told, and try to resolve any and all red flags that come up in your mind even with situations which happened at the very beginnings of the relationship.

Forget - There is no magic pill that will remove this from your life. You can't forget it. Forgetting about it means that you are trying to push it under the surface and not process it. What happens in this situation is that you live your life and there is this huge affair shaped elephant that you have to deal with in every interaction. Its there, and no matter what you guys do you can't ignore it. So finally after ignoring the elephant for a few months something happens and all of a sudden this huge swell of rage, and sorrow comes to the surface and its usually during a small conversation about why someone didn't clean the coffee pot or something like that.

Move on - I hate this phrase. It makes it seem that infidelity is this 4 car accident on the highway that you creep up on and then finally are able to move past and then get back up to speed and continue the journey. Affairs aren't accidents or mistakes. I prefer the term Move Through. This means that in order to heal from this you need to process what has happened. You need as much detail as you need in order for your brain to sit back and say... yeah... ok.. I can deal with this now... the holes in the past are patched with that ugly infidelity wall paper but at least the pieces fit together and I am reasonably certain I have as much truth as I need. The second part of this moving through is that your wayward partner / spouse needs to figure out what the fuck is inside his head that allowed him to choose to do this. Mind you, this was a choice. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't a mistake. It was a choice.

Moving through means that the wayward has to change some deep parts of themselves which allowed them the ability to do this. So this means that they have to address issues with their lack of honesty, lack of transparency etc.

Holy fuck, I can write a wall of text... I am getting to the end of this, I promise...

So I am going to recommend two books at this point. These were instrumental in me pulling my head out of my ass and helping me get to a point where my wife and I have been able to continue to be in reconciliation.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF

This book is 90 pages and gets into the actions of what the wayward needs to start doing in order to help you heal. She gives a list of 15 actions and attitudes which are key to recovery.

The second book is:

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

This book is one of the heavy hitters. It can be hugely triggery for a betrayed because she uses examples from her clients to show how affairs start and move through the phases. However she does have good information on treating infidelity on a traumatic level because research has shown that the effects of infidelity on the betrayed are akin to those found in PTSD symptoms of those who have been in major accidents, natural disasters, and even combat.

Again, I am sorry that you are here. This is hard when the wayward is doing all the right things, and its next to impossible when they aren't.

There's a ton of studies; typically they are done in the context of trying to figure out more effective marriage therapy.
The first interesting thing you learn is that about 50% of marriages deal with infidelity and in about 50% of cases the couple stays together and their marriage gets better.
Well maybe the first thing you learn is that deadbedroom is surprisingly pretty evenly split between men and women ... which adds up with the infidelity rates.

Start here

Hello there. Maker of The Chart here back with a prequel to the original flow. First of all, I know what you're thinking. "This is getting out of hand! Now, there are two of them!" ^^^Ok ^^^I'm ^^^done ^^^now ^^^I ^^^swear.

But honestly I felt like it was important to make this because, let's face it, having an adult conversation can be coarse and irritating and it gets... NO STOP IT really, really difficult and stressful and I sort of ... didn't address that at all in the original.

One of the naughty things that process designers do is that they take a a series of actions, slap a label on them, surround them with a "not my problem" field and wander off into the sunset. And that first big box on the original Chart? Guilty.

At the time I had a somewhat general idea of how to have an "adult" conversation, so I went out and read a book in preparation for building this flowchart. Much of what you're seeing here is inspired by an absurdly simplified take on that content. I have to say, it was an excellent read and I'd recommend it to anyone. The skills in there will come in handy in almost every part of your life.

Sooner or later you're going to have to tell someone they hurt you or have someone say that to you, and navigating those conversations skillfully can pay big dividends for your personal or professional life. The irony of course is that this probably going to be longer and a lot crappier than the original, but I wanted to at least do something for the people (like me, tbh) that find this challenging.

Do you have a girlfriend currently? Because I've found that it changes things.

There was definitely a time in college when I was happily "friend-zoned" with quite a few women when I was single who changed their tune completely after I got a girlfriend, mostly to the tune of "Wouldn't your girlfriend mind if she saw us hanging out together?" or straight-up ignoring me. (NOTE: No, because my girlfriend isn't a controlling asshole.)

The trouble, I think, is that there actually is a subset of women who operate under the social assumption that hangouts are mini-dates and that a relationship is the inevitable next step (rather than "best friends" or "business partners" or other sorts of platonic relationships). When you combine that with the masculine stereotype of sex being the only thing on a man's mind when he interacts with a woman, it sort of reinforces the idea that "friends" is a masculine social failure and a feminine social rejection.

Regarding OP's pic, that shit is straight up dumb. What's worse though, is that these guys are handed a boutique gym-and-tan trial, this book (I shittest thee not), and an extra-large cup of "grow some balls and start being aggressive with women", rather than "Get a fucking clue and realize that if you were in her position, you would want to be able to reject a sexual advance for any reason. Stop being an antisocial asshole whose only thought is getting his rocks off and maybe you'll attract someone nice, even."

Texts and Reference Books

Days in the Lives of Social Workers

DSM-5

Child Development, Third Edition: A Practitioner's Guide

Racial and Ethnic Groups

Social Work Documentation: A Guide to Strengthening Your Case Recording

Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond

[Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life]
(https://www.amazon.com/Thoughts-Feelings-Harbinger-Self-Help-Workbook/dp/1608822087/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=3ZW7PRW5TK2PB0MDR9R3)

Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model

[The Clinical Assessment Workbook: Balancing Strengths and Differential Diagnosis]
(https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0534578438/ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_38?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ARCO1HGQTQFT8)

Helping Abused and Traumatized Children

Essential Research Methods for Social Work

Navigating Human Service Organizations

Privilege: A Reader

Play Therapy with Children in Crisis

The Color of Hope: People of Color Mental Health Narratives

The School Counseling and School Social Work Treatment Planner

Streets of Hope : The Fall and Rise of an Urban Neighborhood

Deviant Behavior

Social Work with Older Adults

The Aging Networks: A Guide to Programs and Services

[Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice]
(https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0415884810/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy

Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change

Ethnicity and Family Therapy

Human Behavior in the Social Environment: Perspectives on Development and the Life Course

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Generalist Social Work Practice: An Empowering Approach

Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents

DBT Skills Manual

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets

Social Welfare: A History of the American Response to Need

Novels

[A People’s History of the United States]
(https://www.amazon.com/Peoples-History-United-States/dp/0062397346/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1511070674&sr=1-1&keywords=howard+zinn&dpID=51pps1C9%252BGL&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch)


The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

Life For Me Ain't Been No Crystal Stair

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Tuesdays with Morrie

The Death Class <- This one is based off of a course I took at my undergrad university

The Quiet Room

Girl, Interrupted

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Flowers for Algernon

Of Mice and Men

A Child Called It

Go Ask Alice

Under the Udala Trees

Prozac Nation

It's Kind of a Funny Story

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Yellow Wallpaper

The Bell Jar

The Outsiders

To Kill a Mockingbird

Yes. Therapy now. I'll tell you a story of a person I once knew. He was not good looking by any means, but his personality so outweighed his visual looks that it was very easy to completely ignore his looks. He was a really nice, really fun and quirky guy. I know it's tough (I've been bullied, too), but please see a therapist and develop your personality. Once you start doing things that engage you, you will become a lot more interesting. People who judge you on looks alone are not people with whom you want to hang out.

P.S. I read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly and it really helped me a lot. I highly recommend it.

Edited to add book.

I have no idea how to bring this up to your husband. I can't imagine how to have such a difficult talk, and I don't envy you that at all. But what I can say is that you have intuition for a reason. There's a book called The Gift of Fear that talks about how we intentionally suppress that intuition that someone might be dangerous because we're taught to be polite. The same guy also wrote Protecting the Gift about how to protect your children, which I assume works on the same principles, to trust your intuition because so often we pick up on nonverbal cues that we can't put into words but that still warn us when something isn't right.

Without more information on your general mental state or without seeing your FIL's behaviors, I obviously can't speak to his actual intentions and I can't really advise a course of action. But I want to urge you to trust your intuition. I don't think it's wise to live in fear of everyone, but I do think that if your gut is telling you something so strongly, don't ignore it.

Throwaway time - yay. I feel so liberated with throwaways.

I can relate to this, went through a similar episode, schooled here, went abroad for uni, had the best 3 damn years of my life, and came back here feeling like I made a mistake coming back.

Also got my license late because of that moving around, so when I did come back I also found it hard to get around to meet friends, barely made it to the office (to a job I stopped liking or learning anything after 3 months). And also found it hard to reconnect with old friends as people mostly seem like here, out of sight, out of mind kind of nature. Saying no initially eventually meant you're forgotten. Can't blame them, gone for 3 years, back, and saying no to going out. Yeah I wouldn't talk to me either. But I also would never ever trade those 3 years abroad for doing them here, not only was it kick-ass awesome, it also taught me theres an entire planet and world out there.

Well that was 3 years ago, I've now changed jobs 3 times, started a company and closed it, on my 3rd job, got my license (obv), car that I like, etc.

Things can get better.

Here's the truth: there are 3 cornerstones in your life:

1. Your job
   
   
2. Your house (or apartment)
   
   
3. Your relationships
   
   If you have those things in order, you can afford to take almost any "risk" you want.
   
   What got me through is this:
   
   

• Always be pursuing your passion. Every year my passion and focus is a little different but in the same field, infact I realize its simply a career progression in a field that does not have clear 1-2-3 steps.
  
  So love what you do. If you don't, whatever you do, be the best at it. Or better yet, pursue what you love. Your career and job will lead your life, so make sure you absolutely have that one down right, otherwise your home and relationships will suffer.
  
  
• Read. Read great blogs or books that focus on self-growth. The human brain develops its final phase of its personality in your 20's. By the time you hit early 30's your personality and future is completely directed by how you grow and what you do in these 20's. It's also very normal that people in their 20's to get so confused or lost specially getting out of grades and a clear track life of school to suddenly the work force where nothing is straight forward or graded. My personal recommendations are James Clear website, I could lose myself for hours reading his stuff, go to his best articles section. A simple good read is this article. There's also this book, and finally just sign up for the mailing list of this website, I know this site looks spammy as hell but trust me its got some solid content thats specifically relevant to people like you (and me).
  
  
• If you live with family after living alone for a while, you probably want the get the furthest away as possible from them. If you can, find a way to live alone again. This might be tougher to do though depending on your family, and it might be one of those things you just have to haul it along.
  
  
• Manage or clear your debts. There are many strategies out there, I like the clear the smallest debts first approach. Have a wants and needs list, wants make you poorer, needs (including investments) make your richer.
  
  I'm personally already drawing up my escape plan. Planning to move abroad for work in about a year once I settle stuff here and gain the right experience I need to do that. Let me know if you want me to share it.

>I know it sounds like bullshit, but I have no reason to lie to you since you don't know me and I don't know you. I had had exactly the same feelings years ago for a female friend of mine when I was living abroad. My behavior could even be described as an "admiration of foreigners."

You absolutely do have a reason to lie to us.

You are deceiving yourself into believing this relationship with your co-worker is platonic and you're desperate to believe your own lies.

You're also asking for advice on how to manipulate your husband into allowing you to have an emotional and most certainly physical affair.

I recommend you read this book.

If it takes a glass to create a divorce, there were more problems in the relationship beyond the glass. There's a book called Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman that illustrates that several minor incidents create an environment that leads to divorce (e.g. passive-aggressive behavior, escalation, lack of empathy, etc.). It's a lot of little things over a long time that ruin a marriage - but, most importantly each person fails to see the "good" in the other... what made them fall in love with each other. The relationship turns into a battleground, a place where only being right matters.

Here's the book if you're curious

Turn off the internet. Tell him you could care less if he pouts for three weeks and stays in his room. He can grovel in his own filth for all you care. You're done with his shit, and he needs to man up. If he wants the internet back on, he better start to get his shit together and help you out and if he doesn't, I'd cut his cable in his computer. He's not a 19-year-old boy in college, and neither are you. Have more self respect for yourself to let some little boy treat you like that. You have to put up with him the rest of your life and if you set the boundaries of your relationship to let him do whatever he wants, he will continue to do whatever he wants. Alslo, if you can't seem to understand this, buy this book >> http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560 it's been a life saver.

These are 2 of the books he recommended/required all of his top level people to read:

• https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/

This sucks. While I'm one that likes marriages to work, he is a habitual cheater. And he will travel on business.

Cheaters do have a tendency to cheat again...eventually.

Get the book Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair. For him. And Not Just Friends for you.

Cheating while wife is pregnant is repugnant.

According to Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication), it is because we don't teach it. We still have feelings and needs, but often time as children we are left feeling as though feelings and needs are selfish and shameful. But because they still exist it ends up being expressed in tragic ways.

Or if it is really bad, you end up a "Nice Guy" (making secret contracts and hoping to get what you want without ever actually telling anyone what it is).

My FH and I are not religious; here's what we've tried and found in our 1.5 years together:

• The 5 Love Languages: It can be at times a bit Christian-centric and sometimes brings up more "traditional" gender roles, but the overall concepts were helpful for us.
  
  
• Intellectual Foreplay: We went through a TON of these questions in our first few months of dating and it really helped us to get those big questions out of the way in the guise of "getting to know each other".
  
  
• I created an extensive list of lists of questions we could ask each other. We'd make it fun by picking random numbers (without looking at the questions first) and taking turns reading the questions. So he'd choose question 4, I'd read it to him, and then he'd answer and then I'd answer. And then we switched. We did maybe 5–10 questions at a time.
  
  
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: This one seems most helpful now that we're engaged. We borrowed the audiobook via our local library and have been listening to it in the car. FH really likes it!
  
  The Gottman Institute, which is by the guy who authored that last book, offers (kind of expensive) weekend workshops around the country, and it also sells an at-home DIY "workshop" for $175 USD. If we have time and extra money, we might try the at-home kit but for now the book is working well for us!
  
  edit: There's also a program called Prepare Enrich, which is an assessment you both take and then you meet with a facilitator (secular or religious, your choice) in your area to go over your results. The program also offers a DIY version called the Couple Checkup, which they call a "lighter version of the assessment". We haven't really explored these options yet because the Prepare Enrich facilitator we reached out to isn't taking any new clients at this time and my local library had both a physical copy and audiobook copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

For coping

If anyone wants some reading material on this topic, let me know. This kind of thing can be really hard to overcome and damaging to relationships.

Edit:

Hi people! I received a lot of responses about this. I feel bad for not responding earlier, but I was busy, and feeling guilty is part of my own thing that i need to work through. When people talk about this problem of “pleasing people,” what they are often really talking about is shame-bound systems. It might not be obvious at first, but ask yourself, what feelings would you experience if you weren’t trying to please others? What would it say about you if you were just trying to do what makes you happy? What feelings are you trying to get away from when you think about this? In addition to the books mentioned by /u/alpinejonny, I recommend the following:

More on the academic side:

Facing Shame, by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason

This is a classic book written for therapists about people in shame-bound family systems. I recommend going here if you want a deep understanding of how and why families create cycles of shame, one manifestation of which is “people-pleasing.” It’s an older book, but it’s still an important one.

Shame and the origins of self-esteem, by Mario Jacoby

Mario Jacoby is an influential Jungian analyst. This book is expensive, but I really recommend taking a look at this book’s table of contents to see how in-depth it is. Amazon’s “look inside” feature has a lot of pages from this book available online, and you can click on table of contents sections to see more information about that section. It might have a lot of the info you need.

More mainstream:

Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

Despite the ugly cover and horrible title, this is a really, really solid book based upon schema therapy. This book covers a wider range of schemas or “lifetraps,” so it is appropriate for many people. It can be eye-opening. I would definitely recommend it, especially the chapters on vulnerability, dependence, abandonment, and defectiveness (shame).

Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown

Brown is a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability right now and has down a lot of interesting qualitative work in deconstructing the concept of vulnerability, which is something we must experience if we are to say ‘no’ to our people pleasing tendencies. I’m not the biggest fan of Brown’s mainstream writing personally (I’m more on the dense/academic side of things), but her key points are dead on and her writing works for many people. I really appreciated her famous TED talk when it came out.

Healing the Shame that Bind You, by John Bradshaw

I haven’t read this one, but I have heard really good things. Again, Amazon’s look inside feature is helpful here. A lot of the book is already online.

Hope that helps! Other users have been recommending to me books about codependency. I haven't read any books about codependency specifically, but I can see that being super helpful.

unsolicited advice:

work on developing the self esteem. change your world view. realize other people's opinions of you are merely their opinions.

someone not liking pizza doesn't make pizza less awesome. the same applies to you. preferences aren't objective truth. peoples preference for a certain type of person don't make that certain type of person better or worse than any other type of person. people have inherent value.


I'd also recommend this

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1518228651&sr=8-1

from the person who gave this ted talk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o


not an expert, just someone who struggled/struggles with the same shit.

This is mentioned in the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

"Needy" isn't a negative thing at least according to contemporary attachment theory. People having a strong desire for intimacy and closeness with a partner is not a negative thing, though in the US we tend to label it as "dependent", "clingy", or "needy." I would much rather end up with an anxious or a secure person than an avoidant type. Avoidants feel that intimacy threatens their independence. Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

Might not be a bad idea for both you and your wife to read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass.

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

There are boundaries in friendship. Cross those boundaries, and bad things can happen. For example, say your wife and her friend spend the a couple of hours talking about the best ways to save and invest for retirement. Cool. Now say they spend a couple hours talking about how each of their respective spouses is lacking in some way. That's not cool. One conversation can be shared freely with you. The other one you are never going to hear about.

It does not take a genius to see which of these two examples can lead down a troublesome road.

> support each other

That's the problem right there for me. If we have a fight and need a bit of time apart, the last thing I want to be thinking is that she is off talking to this guy for "support", and maybe he's single and lonely right now. F that.

> If you don't have the discipline and willpower to avoid making it more than I think that's on you.

As I've said elsewhere, I think this line of thinking comes from a naive place. If you're open-minded about it, this is an excellent book that explains how bad situations can develop even when all parties have the best of intentions: https://www.amazon.ca/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

We don't just see someone and decide to fall in love with them. You are far less in control of your romantic feelings than you might think.

Games People Play by Eric Berne [Wiki] is a book about Transactional Psychology - this kinda describes what you're talking about. People develop strategies that work in interpersonal situations when they are young and then refine them into codified 'games' that they 'play' with people that they interact with. The author talks about various parent/child and victim/perpetrator relationships and how people maneuver others by rehearsed behavior to prompt an expected response.

It's interesting, if only for learning the ability to recognize a situation you're in, therefore giving you some options for responding that short-circuit the game or that steer the outcome toward a desired result.

It sounds like this guy got what he wanted in the past by throwing temper tantrums, and now he thinks that will work as an adult. Basically (as you said) it worked before... The unfortunate part is that he probably will have some success with this game with a lot of people that engage with him, reenforcing the urge to play the game over and over. If the result is not what he wants to achieve, he'll play another game internally that removes his responsibility for the outcome.

YMMV. Tax, tag, title not included.

I found a book called The Defining Decade to be hugely motivating, practical, and life affirming when I read it in my senior year in college. I hope it inspires you the way it inspired me :)

​

https://www.amazon.ca/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

>So we dont have alpha males, however the alpha in humanity is the one with the best social strategy?

In case it wasn't clear, that point should be: In socially intelligent species (like us) [which have alphas], the alphas are the ones with the best social strategies.

The alphas that I talked about were ones from socially intelligent, non-human species. Hierarchies do not exist in all human societies and, in our society, many of those who are leaders gain their strength through social manipulation rather than strength/being an asshole. Look at Obama.

>If you look at the seduction community these are the principles we use in order to become "alpha" and desired. We may not be the greatest looking, richest, big muscled meat heads, but we pride ourselves on reaching "alpha" status. (take a look at /r/seduction and I think you will find the content interesting if you can get passed some of the objectification of women.)

I laugh at much of /r/seduction (although there are good things on there) simply because they divide people up in ways that have no evolutionary basis behind it. The thing is, acting like a jerk to gain a mate only gains you certain kinds of mates. The 'douchebag' theory isn't just limited to men; there's also a book for women called Why Men Love Bitches that basically calls for women to act like 'alpha' males. Guess what? It works just as the male 'alpha' strategies work. Milder versions of these mate selection theories work for both sexes, not because humans inherently like jerks, but because the vast majority of people don't want someone needy, clingy, etc.

Buy this book, it's a classic (Check out the Vonnegut review): http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1313736082&sr=8-1

Roll it up so that it gains a strong cylindrical shape. Then beat her and her mother with it.

>also possess a set of psychological characteristics that many would consider prototypically immoral."

The implicit equation here is that empathy = moral goodness. When empathy leads us to feel good about making a decision that is objectively bad for the whole world excluding ourselves, that foundation is very dubious despite our kneejerk instinctive reaction. For example, people are more motivated to donate to a cause if they hear about one person being harmed in detail, and then become LESS motivated to donate if they learn they will help that one person and many others in the same situation. Motivation to act altruistically declining when an intervention is objectively superior with no drawbacks is a clear problem. It would seem that letting emotions be our guides is not always a reliable route to the most ethical action possible.

Against Empathy is an interesting exploration of this subject (albeit a questionable stocking stuffer).

Ok, I'm back. I'm going to base my advice on how it went down for me. Your marriage is royally fucked and it is going to take some SERIOUS hard work to get it back together. When I say serious hard work, I'm talking like you're going to feel like you would rather divorce than go through what you're going to have to go through to fix your marriage. It is going to be very, very painful and you'll likely both be miserable and ready to throw in the towel many, many times. I'm going to be blunt cause I'm tired and want to get this out to you quickly: you two need to get your asses into counseling immediately. IMMEDIATELY. If you can afford it, get a counselor for the two of you together, get your own individual counselor, and have her get her own individual counselor. You'll need all three because one will help you with your marriage, and the others will help each of you deal with all your own personal fucked up shit that got you here in the first place. You'll need that confidential counselor to talk and vent to, apart from the one you and your wife have.

Watch this TED talk about infidelity.

Read this book about infidelity.

If you haven't already, you need to stop all contact with the women you were sexting. Answer all of your wife's questions honestly. 100% honestly. Don't go into the unnecessary graphic sexual details if she isn't specifically asking about those, but be honest. She's going to be so pissed at you that it might be miserable to be around each other. Give her space if she needs it. Try to be gentle with each other. If you have kids, DO NOT lose your shit with each other in front of the kids. Keep things civil for the kids so you don't scar them. Don't make any major decisions about jobs/housing/finances/etc. until you both have a bit more clear thinking....which will be awhile from now. Basically, sit tight and try not to do anything stupid until you can get into your first counseling appointment. Make your appointment right away.

If you can post more details about your situation then I can help you more. How many years married? Kids? How is your wife taking this? Do you want to stay married? Do you think you can control yourself to not do this again? Do you have a history of acting out sexually? Do you love your wife? What do you want for your future together, if you even envision one? Are you willing to be 100% honest about your role in this? How's your sex life? If you could write a story about how your marriage will end up after this, what would that story look like?

That's all I have for now. You can read back through my post history if you want a better idea of where I'm coming from. Hopefully some of my advice can be helpful for you. If you respond, I'll get back to you later today. Good luck, and don't do anything stupid.

ps...i say the stupid thing because I did countless stupid things, not because I'm trying to be a jerk.

to be honest, where i am right now, SW has made me more compassionate and healed me in a way that i couldn't get from my civilian life. it helped me cultivate a sense of power, confidence, and taught me more about how to have boundaries than any therapy modality could. i no longer have anger or hurt towards the clients i see who are married. i have a much more nuanced way of seeing people and relationships now, and that's where i'm able to have compassion for all people. i feel more like a therapist now than i did years before doing SW, and see how complicated people are.

i know what you're feeling because i've felt it too. i have gotten to a much different place now, though it took years out of SW to finally get there, and now i'm back with a much wiser and healthier perspective as a working SW again.

around the time i first started escorting around age 23 was when i came to the discovery/realization that my own father was a client. i saw his laptop open with a browser tab on eros, and coupled with many other pieces of info, i just knew he was a clientl! that, coupled with who he was a father and husband to my mother, made me lose my shit because he wasn't the best, and it gave me a very negative view of men for most of my 20s. after that, i went back to civilian jobs and slowly healed myself.

being a SW is marginalizing, but it's also incredibly powerful to have the kind of perspectives and knowledge about the world and how men operate that we get to see that civilians don't. i start with the idea of having this knowledge is extremely powerful and enlightening and build upon that. we are like deities who have secret info about the rest of mankind that other women are blind to. knowledge is power.

IMHO, sex work will change you, but it doesn't necessarily have to hurt you. it depends on how you choose to see the world and seek out new relationships with the new knowledge you know about men and relationships. there are two main perspectives i see with having this newfound understanding:

1. you focus on the loss of a disney-influenced monogamous fairytale of "the one" or prince charming and live in despair and feel like a victim.
   
2. you understand that modern monogamy is outdated for the contemporary world, and as a SW we are enlightened and lucky enough to have access to this knowledge of how most men are -- lying about their monogamy in order to sustain a piece of status or image and to avoid being alone. you understand that we have been lied to our entire lives about what monogamy is, and the lie that most men are monogamous and you will live happily ever after. you get that happily ever after is a lie, and many couples pretend they are happy and perfect when they are full of issues. as someone with this knowledge, i feel privileged to have it and be aware of it instead of living in ignorance like so many civilian women do, believing their prince charming husband is some angel working overtime, while he's spending thousands on SWs.
   
   it actually gives us an advantage over civilian women in finding the right kind of man because we understand that civilian women are lied to constantly by their own partners, families and society about what the world and what the men in their lives are actually like. it just means we have to find the right kind of man who is honest with himself and all of his partners. it will take more work, more time, but it will make our future relationships stronger if we act accordingly.
   
   gathered from my civilian dating life and sw life, what i find most noticeable about men is that men who are more focused on status and tradition are more likely to be in a monogamous relationship, but will have their cake behind their partners back. they do love their partners, but they also force their partners into non-consensual open relationships without the knowledge that it is so. they are deceivers and liars, but are they exactly monsters? no. just complicated men who aren't able to live authentically and live a life of lies on a daily basis.
   
   luckily there are more men than ever before, especially in younger generations, who are becoming more honest about what they want, and their relationships. ethical non-monogamy is an option and many people are very happy living that way. I think a lot of non-monogamous or poly couples are much better at communication than monogamous men/people are, and that is kind of by design. i've just emerged into my non-monogamous identity, and as someone who is dating and trying to meet a primary partner, I've found that men who are open to real honest & ethical non-monogamy are men who are more likely to be sw-friendly and understand it as real work, but also are just more open about everything in general. while obviously not every non-mono guy is like that, it's much more apparent than in monogamous men who don't know how to communicate and play games. it's a breath of fresh air actually.
   
   some videos for intros to non-monogamy:
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cVPDSHSaW4
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7E9ASb3LfE
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW8jW946HE0
   
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_3ZHePuZ9U
   
   ...and of course this book, the bible of polyamory/NM: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1442200227&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_r=C6RPSSN1TVTT8DR4299V&pf_rd_p=b4bbef4e-170e-463d-8538-7eff3394b224
   
   ​
   
   ​

Okay, so first, what you're looking for isn't monogamous, it's polyamorous or polyfidelitous. The people at /r/polyamory could be a good resource for you as well.

Before talking to her, or maybe as you are, I'd recommend reading The Ethical Slut. There's a lot of very important information about how to communicate and navigate the weird waters of non-monogamy. It's also a quick read.

Good luck, play safe.

Got a book recommendation for you: https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754 from your post it sounds like this might help you clarify your thinking. I hope you find a path you’re happy with.

Yup. I have deleted posts made in public where I was 100% correct/truthful/moral because the pitchforks were coming out and the effects threatened to become overwhelming. Even if 80% of the people agree with you, once a social media mob starts to form if even 0.001% of the remaining 20% decide to try to ruin your life via bedbugging or harassment or whatever, that's enough to have a real potential impact. If you have a family, a career, a life to protect, you will often prioritize being spared the effects of the mob over proclaiming your veracity/correctness/innocence. In my case, I deleted some tweets, turtled my social and took a contentious political argument with @Popehat to a private channel, even though there was no doubt my position was both correct and well-defended. I just couldn't endure the onslaught of idiot strangers coming out of the woodwork.

Deleting and turtling and being more private is evidence of nothing more than good sense and yields no clue as to who might be correct, incorrect, guilty, or innocent. It's just evidence that we live in a troubling and sometimes terrifying era of a kind of mass social censorship where no matter what you say, if the wrong people find it and decide to attack you, virtually everyone is vulnerable to mass public shaming on a previously unimaginable scale.

Everyone in social conflicts that happen in full public view should probably keep this dynamic in mind.

I love Esther Perel! Her book Mating in Captivity focuses on the same theme. My husband and I listened to the whole book on tape together this summer.

We're also obsessed with her podcast! It's called Where Should We Begin and is just her and a couple in a marriage/couple's counseling session, one couple per episode. It's brilliant and we also devoured them all - my husband likes to vocally root for the couples expressing their feelings like he would root for a sports team. There is one in Season 1 about a couple struggling with fertility issues, called I Can't Give You a Child. Highly recommend all of them!

I see that you're saying that men generally want sex and women generally want commitment, and you believe that when women friend-zone men they are cheating men by taking the commitment and giving nothing in return.

It seems me that you agree that men shouldn't be doing chores for women with the hope that they will get sex in return. I also think a lot of feminists would agree with us that women shouldn't be having sex with men with the hope that they will get commitment in return. They're both foolish ways of thinking.

Here's how we get around the foolish confusion that both men and women bring to relationships: honest communication about feelings and expectations.

Men who feel friendzoned should tell the women (in similar but not necessarily identical words) "I feel hurt because I want our relationship to become something different. I also like you and I feel happy when I'm around you. But I also feel bad about myself because I worry that you're purposely leading me on to hurt and use me"

and women should tell men "I want to have sex with you, and I really like you. But I'm also worried that once we have sex you'll no longer be interested in me, and I don't want to have sex outside of a long-term relationship. Do you think that you're interested in having a long term relationship or do you see us as having a casual relationship?"

If you want more information on how to have these conversations in a socially skilled way, I suggest Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone

In short, you're right to point out that both men and women don't communicate their expectations with each other well and end up feeling used and cheated as a result. However, I think the solution is more honesty, not less honesty, wouldn't you agree?

When you learn martial arts, the instructor doesn't just tell you to go in and fight! He teaches you technique. Game is exactly the same, yes practice is great, but if you don't even know the basics, get your head in the books, get a coach, or however you wanna learn. Credit to Arash for the analogy.

Recommended reading

Women Ignition by 60YearsOfChallenge (intermediate-master) <--- This dude was my mentor and I am a beast for that, much love to ya 60!

Anything by RSD/Real Social Dynamics ( Beginner-Master)

Mystery Method (Beginner)

The Game (SUPER beginner)

The Ultimate Guide to Text and Phone Game By Nick Savoy/Braddock (Looks cheesy but it really is a great book)

Recommended websites

mASF (general advice beginner-master)

Casanovacrew (L.A/Vegas lairs/meetings)

RSD (Great coaches/solid game beginner-master)

Recommended Puas to follow
Manwhore (sexual escalation/love this bro/he's not a douche, comes off that way.... nice guy)

Psych/Dj Fuji (VERY structured game)

Mystery/Neil Strauss/Matador (Mystery Method, the torch carriers of game)

Tyler Durden/Jeffy/Brad P (RSD, some of the biggest names, very good)

Bravo (online game/really great guy/highly recommend him)

Arash ( This dudes inner game is on point. I have one of his speeches saved, I'll upload if you want it Seddit) <--- Really nice dude, nothing like I thought he was gonna be

Hypnotica (Inner game master, talked to this dude once, I felt and still feel amazing)

Get to reading!
Edit:Updated shit.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489

This is a good book on the subject. They speculate 20% of children are raised unknowingly by a man who isn't their father (who don't know as well).

TL;DR: RUN, don't walk, away from this man.


The issue that you need to focus on is not about tantra, it is not about non-monogamy. It is about you needing to be in an emotionally and physically safe relationship that supports your growth.


This guy is an asshole. The sexual issues and his active alcoholism are ways for him to string you along into helping him. Yes, his mother died, and that's a terrible thing, but it is not your cross to bear. Especially with all of this coworker bullshit going on.


He doesn't sound like he's able to be in a healthy non-monogamous relationship, given his lack of communication with you about "wanting snuggles" before telling you this other woman was coming over. That was also pretty mean of him to do to you.


Rule #1 with non-monogamy is to communicate. Rule #2 is to respect your partner. He's doing neither of those things.


He needs therapy, not non-monogamy, and not certainly not tantric sex with you.


Re: developing a tantric practice with someone you're in a non-monogamous relationship with? I'm not sure what the answer to that would be, however if it is possible, the relationship must be healthy and safe.


That's not at all what's happening here. Tantric sex will put you in a more emotionally vulnerable position with him. You will be on the hook for more of his toxic bullshit. He will be able to manipulate you more than he's doing now.


Given what you've written about what's happening now, neither tantra nor non-monogamy sound emotionally safe and I think it would lead to damaging yourself emotionally if you were to do so.


I know you want to help him, and that you're in love with him, however you need to focus on being good to yourself. You deserve to be with someone who loves, respects and communicates with you. This guy is not at all that. He's a spineless asshole who's trying to manipulate you.


Get yourself the support you need to untangle yourself from this relationship so you can move forward in creating a beautiful life for yourself.



YOU DO NOT DESERVE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE THIS



Want more info?:
Check out r/nonmonogamy



Read: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton. It's an excellent guide for navigating relationships of all kinds.

edit: formatting

I am not equipped to help you out here because a lot of what you're saying doesn't sound like a good enough situation to be voluntarily testing the breaking points for a relationship on top of it all. There's a lot of tension in your lives that you might want to resolve a bit first. If you're open to it - actually, really, open to it, you both need to talk about it and all of the issues you've got already and how to resolve those as well as mediate your insecurities and boundaries.

One thing though:

>I don’t want to demand that he only see someone else x days a week cause that’s kinda shitty

This isn't, by any means, a one size fits all relationship style - it's fairly anarchic. You get to make your own rules. Especially to start, it sounds like you are going to need a lot of extra attention paid to you to reaffirm that your bond is strong and you feel special. He needs to be there to do that and he should want to because he loves you and wants you to be happy too. Ensuring that you have appropriate time for each other is absolutely key.

My wife and I have rules about how many dates per week are appropriate because we want to ensure that neither of us feels neglected by the other. We want to make sure we both feel special and loved and enjoy all that new relationship energy and intimacy with others without guilt or worry.

That's what's great about all this - you can tailor your relationship to fit your desires and needs. But it's work.

Do yourself a favor and check out these resources:

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

The Ethical Slut

and this one that I just discovered and is awesomely helpful for dealing with jealousy (which you are like 99% guaranteed to feel):
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola

Don't go into this lightly or on a whim, please communicate with each other and ensure that this is what you want. You can go forward, but you cannot go back the way you came and assume you'll end up where you started.

Gonna go ahead and plug a book, The Defining Decade by Meg Jay. It's filled with case studies of people in their mid-twenties figuring out their careers, romantic lives, and mental well-being. I'm 25 and often panic about career direction and purpose. I feel this book gives a very informed look on how the sky isn't truly falling. It's a quick 200 pages and I walked away feeling a whole lot more confident about my position.

Or compassion (cf. "Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion").

Learn how to deal with conflict in a way that is constructive rather than destructive of people and relationships. A really good start is to read the book "Difficult Conversations" by Stone, Patton and Heen, and to practice discerning the three levels of conversation that people around you have. You can do that without intruding on their conversation, and it will add greatly to your life, your mental health, and your competence in the workplace.

Source: I'm an old man who wishes that book and those skills were mine back when I was a teenager. It would have saved lots of people a lot of grief.

NTA. Just start crying and maybe they'll be too scared to keep pressuring you. I CANNOT believe your mother volunteered your hair. That's so inappropriate I can't even tell you.

I highly recommend this book to you. It was really helpful for me when I was younger and struggled with taking care of myself when that self-care was resisted by people I cared about and/or felt obligated to.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_qa4YCbGBX6PVT

By reading the “bible”.

So, normally I’d say that if this is a one-time screw up with the scheduling, to cut her some slack - and to TRUST her if/when she says things are okay between you two. Easier said than done sometimes, I know.

That said, it seems like you’d benefit from reading up on attachment styles. You seem to have an anxious style, whereas your partner seems avoidant - this can create a really stressful disconnect that is important to recognize and work on.

Here’s the thing about when “things seem off.” Sometimes, those of us with anxious attachment are not great at recognizing when there is a real problem or an imagined one. Sometimes, things can seem off and it has nothing to do with you or your relationship status. I don’t know what else your partner said about what was “off,” but I know that that conversation would freak me out, even if it turned out there was nothing wrong. What’s important to know is that people with anxious attachment, when activated by a stressor such as “things seeming off” or an upcoming relationship talk, tend to want MORE closeness, more reassurance, more contact, etc. People with avoidant styles, on the other hand, tend to want less contact, more space and distance, etc. And the more the anxious partner pushes for more closeness, the farther the avoidant partner retreats.

Attached is a great book on relationship attachment styles: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Ultimately, yes, I think it sucks that your partner bailed when you needed her. But reading your post and comments makes me wonder if your own relationship anxiety is a) manufacturing problems out of nowhere, or b) making a small/moderately sized problems larger - and if perhaps you overreacted initially and wound up “needing” her for reasons she just couldn’t understand.

I think it’s important to remember that there is nothing wrong with an anxious or avoidant attachment style. They just are what they are. It’s not wrong to need reassurance in a stressful moment. You just need to figure out what your needs truly are and determine if this partner can offer you those things. The right partner can and will.

That's something that I've definitely struggled with on occasion (nearly 10 year relationship). I've found Esther Perel's comments on long term relationships super helpful, and I re-read her book every so often to remind myself. She also has a short TED talk which summarizes some of her thoughts.

http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407678467&sr=1-1

Hope that helps?

This is such an idiotic strawman. "You have to let them all in or they'll die!"

Stop being so dramatic. The vast majority of these people aren't even war refugees, they're economic migrants looking to suck the welfare tit. They're simply here to take advantage of you. And people like you are so blinded by your supposed "empathy" that you'd rather play the sucker than accept reality.

As for those who are actual refugees? We can create safe zones. We can help set up living in places like Turkey as we already are. And, in fact, we can help far more by doing this, because resettling them near their homes costs 1/3 of moving them to the west. But then oh, I forgot, you don't get to virtue signal if we resettle them somewhere else. You don't get to march in the street with your "refugees" (migrants) welcome sign. And that's what this is really about for people like you. Vanity. You don't care about helping the maximum amount of people. You care about proving your own moral superiority. And if thousands of Europeans have to raped/gunned down/ run over? Well, that's a price you're willing to pay for your vanity. Because you're just so empathetic.

Get yourself a Christmas gift.

It is interesting you mention that. There is a famous book well worth a read. Difficult Conversations. There is a section of it that discusses blame and how we always cast ourselves as the hero no matter what. That it is almost impossible to look at situations from other people's views or stances. Its a good book written by some harvard business school guys, well worth a read.

We like The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.D.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

and How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

I suggest you check out these books

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

Strongly recommended reading: The Ethical Slut. Generally oriented towards polyamorous relationships and building the good communication necessary to maintain those relationships, but just about everything is applicable to any relationship you may choose, and is a great general guide how to be safely and ethically non-monogamous.

Agree 100%, he also has a book Protecting the Gift for parents and teens that I recommend as much as the first if you have kids or younger family.

"Stranger danger" is really not a good lesson to teach.

Every parent should read the book "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin deBecker: http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

It's worth every penny but you can probably find it free at your local library.

This is a great time to stop, breathe, and remember the WHY you're planning this. Pick up a Dr. Gottman book and take some time to yourself. No wedding planning, no SO, just you.

Here's the link

Talk to him as well. Tell him that you're feeling pressure to plan the wedding on your own. Maybe give him specific tasks. Tell each other how excited you are to be married, and why you love each other. Good luck!

You don't know what the future holds and have anxiety about possibilities. These possibilities are predictions about the future you are making in your head. They aren't actually real, they haven't happened yet. I have to bet (because it happens to me all the time) that most of the anxiety is from things that probably will never happen at all. So don't worry about those potential situations because they aren't real right now. Don't worry, be happy! A happy calm attitude is the best way to navigate the rough seas of life.

As someone who recently graduated as well, this book is full of amazing advice. I cannot recommend it more for your situation: How To Stop Worrying And Start Living - Dale Carnegie Try picking up a cheap used copy. Just getting into reading itself helped me control my anxiety.

Leo Babatua at ZenHabits has also been a vital resource for me.

Best wishes friend!

Sometimes people aren’t sexually compatible, and that’s important. Your desires won’t go away no matter how much you love her. It’s important to either find a compromise - play partner(s), trying certain things slowly, etc. and if that doesn’t work.... it may be time to re-evaluate things as hard as it may seem.

A good book that touches on this subject is The Ethical Slut

Crossposting

> I was raped

If you want answers from actual rape survivors, you may want to crosspost to /r/RapeCounseling. You might get better-quality answers there.

Starting to trust again

> I ... don't trust anyone.

Back then, you were too young to be able to fight off the abuse. I highly recommend that you (and all Redditors everywhere) read one or more of Gavin de Becker's works. In The Gift of Fear, he writes: "People who can't let go choose people who can't say no."

The thesis of the book is: Your intuition knows more than you about how to keep yourself safe.

The goal of the rest of the book is to teach your intuition some new things.

Your local library probably owns the book. Or you can read an excerpt. The excerpt talks about a rapist, and (indirectly) about trust.

As for you: Since you were abused, read de Becker's book Protecting the Gift first. There's a lot of overlap between the two books, but Protecting the Gift probably talks more about child sexual abuse. It's easy to read, and has 4.7 stars on Amazon.com. Your local library system probably owns the book.

Once you read the book, you might be able to successfully invest more trust in those who are deserving of your trust.

Maybe he abuses her too

> He manipulated me by saying things like ... "if someone finds out I'll kill you"

Just like it may have taken decades for your abuser to learn how to manipulate and control his victims, it may take decades for him to change and overcome his abusiveness. (Source: "Is Change Possible In An Abuser?", an article by Kathryn Robinson.)

And remember: "People who can't let go choose people who can't say no." I suspect he might have chosen a vulnerable new wife, and that he may manipulate and control her — financially, emotionally, and/or sexually. And that he might scare her into not phoning the cops. All behind closed doors.

Signs of potential domestic abuse can include:

• controlling behavior,
  
• an ultra-short engagement period,
  
• isolating the victim from society,
  
• verbal degradation,
  
• sudden anger,
  
• pushing,
  
• shoving,
  
• and bruises and cuts on the victim.
  
  Past abuse is usually a good predictor of future abuse.
  
  It can take a while for an abuser to start to abuse a new partner, but once it starts, it only ever tends to escalate. [Edit: Except during the temporary calm stages.]
  
  (Based on this source.)
  
  A) So far, have you seen any hints that he might have ever abused his wife or anyone other than you?
  
  

  Another question
  

  
  > I hate him. I've never hated anyone more than him and myself.
  
  B) There's a Step which might help you process your anger. Would you like to know more?
  
  

  Bonus link
  

  
  Here's a bonus link, in case you're interested:
  
  "This Is What Domestic Violence Is Like When You're LGBT".

> If I ever get a blog started up, I definitely would have an article about this concept of "empathy" near the front of the queue. Bluntly, I think it's inaccurate. What you're really talking about is compassion.

You could even write a book about it - e.g. Dec 2016's Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion

Quiet by Susan Cain

Party of One by Anneli S. Rufus

But the book that really hit it home for me was Introvert Power by Laurie A. Helgoe

I'm not personally an extrovert but I still think the character was on the autism spectrum. If you like reading, check this book out.

There's a lot going on here.

1. Go to Amazon and order Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend immediately. I think you need this for both your relationship with your fiance and your parents.
   
2. In the long term, pursue counseling. It does sound like there's a lot of enmeshment going on with your parents, particularly regarding finances. What your parents wanted was inappropriate on every level. These issues will affect your marriage. On top of that, you are trying to merge two religions. I hate to tell you this, but the religious issue will continue to pop up over the course of your life (ie baptizing your children RCC.) My father's family is Catholic. My mother's isn't. It's caused decades of drama. You and your fiance absolutely need counseling to get on the same page about religion and traditions. (Will you name your kid after a saint? How do you feel about them getting rosaries? First Communion, etc. ).
   
3. Your fiance was very, very wrong to take Eucharist. In every Mass I've ever attended, the Priest has clearly said that only Catholics in good standing should take Communion. In your father's shoes, I would have freaked out as well. This is a widely known rule, so your husband owes your family a HUGE apology. My dad was baptized Catholic. Technically, he's allowed to take Eucharist. My grandmother recently passed away, and he still refused to take Communion at her funeral because he is not in good standing. This is a BIG deal and deeply offensive to your parents. (I'm a hardwired Calvinist, who has major disagreements with the Catholic Church, and I'm offended for your parents.)
   
   Regarding the elopement:
   
   
4. Get married now and plan a ceremony later. You can either do a civil ceremony or have your pastor privately marry you if you want a religious service. This happens far more often than people realize for both civil and religious vows.
   
   People frequently get married legally because sometimes life logistics demand it. If your spouse is in the military, you need insurance, a lease is running, etc. A friend got married at the courthouse because the cruise she wanted to take for her honeymoon wasn't offered AFTER the wedding. She had a small ceremony with immediate family at the courthouse, they took their honeymoon and then they had a the big church wedding afterwards.
   
   
5. Plan the closest wedding to your dream that the two of you can afford.
   
   There's no reason to limit yourself to an elopement. In your situation, I would avoid accepting any financial or in-kind assistance from your family. Pay for everything by yourselves. THEN, invite your parents as guests. If they don't have a hand in hosting the wedding, the message is clear that they are guests and expected to behave.
   
   You also have options for integrating both religions. You could ask a priest to offer a prayer or have a ceremony described here. You are limiting yourself when there's no reason to. Use your imagination and figure out a way to fulfill your dreams while following God's word and making an effort to respect your parents' faith.
   
   
6. Reconciliation is possible with your family. This is not a one-time action but a long process. Your fiance needs to apologize and demonstrate respect for their religion. Next, the two of you need to get married and show your parents that you respect God's commandments. If they are upset about him not being Catholic, they can't be happy with you living together.
   
   Before pursuing reconciliation, start counseling. Get help in learning how to rebuild the relationship with healthy boundaries. This doesn't have to happen overnight. It's a long-term goal. However, you will regret not having a wedding to celebrate and not inviting your parents.

He had an affair. You need to go for marital counseling/therapy,. It will help, rather than brushing it under the carpet.

He needs to go No Contact. That's unconditional and should be forthcoming from him. He should be begging for a chance, doing whatever it takes. NC is the bare minimum. That he hasn't even done this is ridiculous.

She is not just a friend. You both should read this:
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

He needs to be able to draw boundaries, he is acting like an idiot wimp as if he owes her something and she has a say despite them both crossing a line, he's too afraid of putting his foot down. It's like entertaining her is more important than your marriage.

Either that or he's lying to you about the nature of their relationship. Why is he entertaining someone who's still continuing to look for attention, shouldn't he not be tolerating such behavior from anyone from the get go?

If she's desperately in need of a friend, there are many fish in the sea, for friends too. She can start off fresh, try someone new where she can behave as an actual friend rather than a person who doesn't respect boundaries and screws up someones marriage.

And that she was in a EA isn't she married, has her husband been told? If not it's a good idea to let him know, you would want that if the situation was reversed right, it's the right thing to do.

/As long as she doesn't get what she wants she will disappear/ don't buy into this bs, it's either he's a wimp who can't put his foot down for his own marriage or he's lying to you, minimising and they're still continuing at some level. This is about your marriage. It's needs to be active from his side about cutting off, not passive with the ball in her court.

> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.


> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

Daring Greatly - Bréne Brown


https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419

Fantastic book for people who have trouble just getting out of their heads and doing things.

In my life I found the one thing I couldn't do was to be vulnerable. In anything. Showing weakness in my mind was a quick path to pain so I just stuffed literally everything down. Come to find out I'm not so unique and that it's ok to be vulnerable. In fact not being vulnerable is what hurts so much. It talks about vulnerability in ways that have helped me tremendously and allowed me to make some real progress in my life.

I've mentioned this book twice in two days. I swear I'm not getting $ for this.

Daring Greatly.

It's more about being vulnerable than self-esteem, but it teaches you that being vulnerable isn't a weakness. There's a strength to be drawn from being vulnerable. And the behaviors that you engage in to protect yourself from being hurt are actually keeping you from engaging in an intimate and rewarding relationship.

There's a book on this subject that looks very good, So You've Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson. I haven't read it yet but it looks very good and I thought it's existence could add to the discussion.

This is a bit tangential, but I have some awesome reading recommendations for you and any other perfectionists reading right now.

My partner and I have been together for 17 years and married for 13. I'll try and break down what has worked for us. It may not work for you, and I have no idea how to find someone as awesome as my partner but maybe it will help.

You need to find someone that you can be on the same team as. That is all. It is simple but not easy. There is a lot of work that goes into it and excuses are not a part of it. When you screw up, and you will, you have to apologize and mean it. The goal is to not make the same mistake twice. Make different mistakes.

When you are on the same team you do everything in your power to make their life awesome and they do the same thing for you. If both of you are working to make each other's life better, then it works. If you act selfishly, not taking them into consideration when making decisions, then it doesn't work. Impulse control problems make this super hard, but if your focus is making their life awesome you can do it.

ex) I want a nintendo switch super bad. But I know that if I spend money on that paying the rest of our bills will be hard and it will create a hardship for my partner. Since my goal is for her life to be awesome I don't want that, so I don't buy a nintendo switch.

A large part of this is honesty. You need to be honest with your partner and yourself. You know what you are not capable of doing. Don't pretend like you can do things that you know deep down inside you can't. There will be things that you are a lot better at then your partner. That's why you guys are a team.

ex) I am bad at house cleaning alone. I won't do it. I'll start, but I won't finish. But if we put all of the cleaning tasks on pieces of paper and I draw out one task at t time, it is a game. We call it the Cleaning Chalice. I know that if something is a game I am 100% more likely to complete it. So, working together, we gamify as much as possible.

Another part of being honest is not hiding your ADHD from them. This is how your brain works and the more you can help them understand how it works the better. And it isn't easy to explain why you interrupt all the time, or need to fidget to pay attention, or why you have flunked out of college three times. But if you talk it over with someone who is on your team, they will try to understand. It won't happen overnight and it is a constant learning curve for both of you.

ex) My brain jumps around a lot and I am impatient. So when my partner was trying to tell me something I would try and guess what it was, interrupting her constantly with my guesses. This was incredibly frustrating for her and she expressed that to me. We talked about how/why this was happening and figured out I did it when I didn't have anything to fidget with. So now when she tells me about her day, I make sure I have something to fidget with.

Truthfully it all comes down to finding someone who will be on the same team as you. If someone can't deal with it, then they aren't on your team and never will be. You can't change how your brain works and other people can't change how their brain works. Instead you need to find someone who has a brain that works with yours. Unsurprisingly, everyone's brain works differently and chances are they also have some sort of mental illness.

Make sure that you are open and honest with people about what is going on. Not everyone will understand, but those that do will become your inner circle. People that you don't have to pretend around. Eventually you won't have to pretend around anyone.

I know it is hard to feel safe and comfortable sharing ADHD with others. People make assumptions about what that means and some people don't think its real. But if you can share with people and answer their questions, you will find happiness. Lean into what you are afraid of. You are strong enough to survive. Your brain is resilient.

Read this book. It will teach you to be vulnerable which will help. It is terrifying and wonderful and has helped me out in every aspect of my life especially in my relationship with my partner.

TL;DR: You need to be on the same team as your partner.

Yeah, you may be getting a bit of a roast because some strangers on the internet think you moved too fast based on a 300-word story you told.

Everyone has things they're bad at and blind spots when it comes to dating and relationships. Those of us who are quicker to feel a connection usually get hurt more often. Those who've learned to protect their hearts more ferociously often struggle with connection in other ways. We're all trying to do our best; we all have things we could probably stand to work on.

But none of that was the point of your post, and I get it. To me, it sounds like your point was: "My personal struggles with dating are causing me a lot of heartache -- is it worth it?" You're the only person who can answer that question for yourself, but let me tell you that BOY can I relate to the feeling.

To connect with another, we have to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable opens us up to being hurt.

Here are a couple of articles about vulnerability. I also highly recommend Brene Brown's now crazy-popular book Daring Greatly. I suspect it's been selling so well because people are suffering from the depressing feeling of disconnection in alarming numbers, and we're desperately trying to figure out how to reconnect with each other. Brown suggests that vulnerability is the key.

I've decided that it's worth it for me. Even though I keep getting hurt, I plan to keep trying. I've learned a crap-ton about myself along the way, and all of it has been invaluable to making me a better person (and possibly a more attractive person). I've learned some ways to reasonably protect my heart even while being vulnerable. I've learned that it pays to choose carefully who you are vulnerable with. I've learned that it's important to set boundaries for yourself and be brave enough to honor them. I've learned that it pays to surround yourself with non-romantic friends and family who reliably build you up and affirm your good qualities ("I'm so proud of you for getting that promotion!" "Your performance was great at last night's open mic!" "I think you're doing a great job raising your daughter.")

You can do it, OP! It sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and it would be a shame for that to go to waste. I wish you all the best.

Body issues affect men loads more than anyone cares to discuss and gay men are hit particularity hard. For example, "straight-guy thin" is "gay fat". Guys of all ages tear themselves apart and other gay men are happy to help. In an ever-more image focused culture, it is a struggle to not fall into this trap of trying to live up to everyone else's highlight reel when you're living your b-roll.

I struggled with being a chubby kid forever. I was called 'fatty-faggot' my entire childhood. I am a normal weight now at 29 but my self-image has never caught up. When I am stressed or upset, I feel like that chubby little boy who just wants to hide. That said, what helped me was working on myself inside and out and setting incremental goals rather than grand, long-term goals. Easier said than done, but here is what I did.

The first thing I did was clean up my diet and portion sizes. That is 80% of the battle on the weight front. Figure out your TDE for calories, eat a deficit, lose weight. It really is that simple. I track using the app MyFitnessPal. You can eat anything but a a balanced diet of protein, fat and carbs with minimally processed foods will keep you from feeling hungry and give you steady energy. I always pack my lunch for work and if I forget, I keep Soylent at my desk so I don't eat out. When I can, I research where I'll be eating out so I know what I want to order and don't get tempted by things that'll blow up my daily intake. I know what is not-awful at fast-food joints. I drink but track the cals. And sometimes, I say fuck it and eat a big fat meal...but eating excessively has to be the exception, NOT A RULE. What helps me is not seeing every meal as a pleasure cruise but as me just refueling to do my work and live my life.

Drastic diets do not work. It'll take some trial and error but you will find out a lifestyle of eating that suites you. Remember, this is a long game of changing your habits and your relationship with food. It does not matter what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas but rather that you eat between New Years ans Thanksgiving.

I committed to a 'no zero days' approach to exercise. Everyday, I do something for 30 mins that gets me off my ass. Even if my day is crazy, I walk my pups for 30 mins. I use my Apple Watch to track. Often, I eat my lunch at my desk while I work and use my lunch hour to get moving. You don't have to spend 3 hours a day in the gym to build exercise in. If you wanna give your cleaned up diet a boost, this is how you do it.

Finally, learn to start loving yourself being more mindful about how you consider yourself. To this day, I have an automatic negative self-image and when I catch myself being hard on myself, I ask "Well, what have I done today or ever to make this better?" or "who says I need to be this way or look this way?" You can motivate yourself and still be gentle with you. Read some self-help books and if you feel you need it, consider therapy. There is no shame in asking for help.

These helped me shift my thinking:

https://www.amazon.com/Velvet-Rage-Overcoming-Growing-Straight/dp/1611746450

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419

I hope this helps buddy.

Guy here,

To me, self confidence is the ability to turn all of your internal dialogue off. The fact that you are trying to define self-confidence in itself means that you don't have it.

However, here you speak to what you self-confidence motivates you to do:

"I'm confident in myself. I'm generally a pretty smart person, and I'm constantly pushing my boundaries, making mistakes, and trying to improve myself."

But then you make a statement that lack's confidence:

"I think women get a pretty clear sense that something is 'wrong' with me."

Stop thinking that way. The way I see it IF a woman thinks that way about me based on just having a conversation with me she's not dating material. Furthermore, you're presupposing this.

Lastly, you may want to get a copy of this: http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033

I haven't even opened it yet but I bought it because I have the same problem you have. I'm simply realizing that it isn't that people don't understand me, I don't understand them as well. It's a two way street.

> The Gift Of Fear

Looks like he has another book, which is about kids:
http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

fyi, you can hyperlink on reddit like this:
[has another book](http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009)

So it will look like this:
has another book

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_nyBJBbFJSPCPJ

GET. THIS. BOOK.

Seriously. It's used in marriage counseling and has an amazing success rate.

I wish someone had given this to me when I first got married. It's good for EVERY serious, romantic relationship. This book would have saved me literally years of heartache and struggle to keep my marriage afloat.

This is actually a great point. In Dale Carnegie's book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living he points out that if you're feeling stressed about making a particular mistake, think about what would have to be true for that one mistake to have resulted in all your problems. So in this case, one might feel bad about eating extra donuts and think that they are going to fail at their diet, from here you would say: What would have to be true for two donuts to cause me to fail at my diet? The answer would be that the diet is completely dependent upon that single choice, which it is not. I'm not sure if I'm doing a great job explaining, but Dale Carnegie is a fantastic author with great insights into self improvement. His most famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is an incredible read as well.

There are some cases where I believe empathy gets in the way of morality. It's been well studied that empathy can cause people to be myopic with respect to doing the right thing. It causes people to feel the emotions of whoever is in their immediate frame of attention. If they act upon those emotions, they will often feel good about themselves even if, rationally speaking, they're making the problem worse.

This is a pretty great book on the topic

It sounds to me like this is a perfect example of a situation where a person's empathy interfered with their ability to do the right thing.

/u/HeatherLaFrito I think it was selfish of you to buy those fish, even if it felt to you like it was the right thing to do at the time. Hopefully you will take good care of them but think better of such things in the future. Of course, you could also try to return them. That would probably be the best option.

> It sounds like there are some communication/other issues going on between you and your SO. The dog is the catalyst but there's probably something deeper going on with him that you're not privy to.

This. I'm thinking some of the communication strategies in this book could help: http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1382236150&sr=8-3&keywords=negotiation+in+books+harvard

For anyone who is interested in thinking about how to improve the effectiveness of public or private discourse with people who you disagree with, I highly recommend the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.

The book outlines how most difficult conversations can be broken down into three different layers - first, a conversation about what happened; second, a conversation about how one feels about what happened; and third and conversation about how one's identity is affected by what happened.

As the authors point out, most conversations between disagreeing parties break down in the first step of trying to establish what happened. This is often due to three traps: first the inability to understand that no one person can fully represent the truth of what happened; second, the assumption that one fully understands the intentions that motivated the other party to act in the way that they did; and third, the natural instinct to blame the other person rather than taking responsibility for oneself.

This book was very influential for me in how to think about DAMN. In fact, I could frame the entire narrative of DAMN. as an illustration of the struggle to overcome the internal obstacles that prevent us from truly listening to the other and thus prevent us from moving forward.

She has a book titled "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking". It's an incredible book with some history of societal attitudes about introversion/extroversion, and how to apply it to healthier home and workplace situations.

One of the great things about it is that it doesn't try to position either end of the spectrum as ideal, but rather shows that the most productive and rewarding environments are those where both introverts and extroverts work together and have the opportunity to contribute in the way they are most comfortable.

Look for reciprocity - any relationship, romantic or platonic, will have its gives and takes. There will be problems, but you should both be willing to work it out. I used to go from 0-100 in relationships and place unrealistic expectations on others. They're not mind readers, and a lot of them don't understand the aftermath of relationships with Ns.

It's normal to be paranoid, but there are people out there who legitimately want to help and be friends. They may just think that you need to hear that you are loved and supported. Some people use "love" flippantly, some don't. It's harder to wait and see where a relationship goes and much easier to cut and run, but running because you're afraid will kill some potentially good relationships.

Ns teach their children to fear others, to fear being known, because everything will be used against you. Healthy relationships are not like that, but you do need to figure out how to identify other people's boundaries and create your own. For me, if friends said "hey, you don't need to pay rent", I'd probably make the offer to pay or chip in every couple of months or so just to be sure, or say something like "if that changes, please let me know". Ns will never "treat others how you'd like to be treated", but others will, and that might be what your friends are doing. At the same time, be aware of manipulation through fear/guilt/obligation by friends. Some know they're doing it, some don't.

These helped me:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Can I recommend the book Boundaries for you.

> e.g. they both use negging but is there a version where it is way more harsh? also, are pick up artists more socially acceptable than the red pillers

"Negging" is a specific PUA technique from the "Mystery Method" that is meant to "break through the bitch shield" and convince a woman that you are (in essence) sincere about engaging her socially and not just messing around. This is perhaps the most positive way to phrase that. PUAs "play a numbers game" in order to engage women that, as they see it, "want to be picked up".

A PUA is on a mission to get himself laid; whether or not that technique leads to something more substantive exceeds the scope of the technique. The general consensus is that these are "Dark Side of the Force" tactics.

Whether this is more socially acceptable than the red-pillers' deeper issues with power and sexual politics probably depends on your perspective.

The fact that he played it cool when you first met and didn't overly peruse you is actually the perfect play according to the The Mystery Method. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mystery-Method-Erik-von-Markovik/dp/0312360118

After a horrid break up I actually liked his other book better "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken. I found that advice a lot better for long term relationships.

My only issue with those two books is that it seems geared towards younger women and I felt silly reading parts of it. The overall message was helpful-especially the two author's actual experiences.

There's a whole book about it.

So I started a summer job at an Amazon warehouse and shipped a book titled "Why Men Love Bitches" the other day. Apparently this shit goes both ways and people believe it enough to write and read books about it. So I'm not surprised if OP's creep saw a random video and was inspired.

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition is gonna be your overarching guide to Polyamory and other type of Alt relationships.

Basics to focus on, communication, boundaries, and reflection.

If you have some free time, it might be a good idea to take some time to read, journal, and learn new skills.

You can journal about the fall semester and try to brainstorm the reasons for why you got a 2.5 GPA. Were you taking time to study every day, were you spending too much time at Kams, or were you spending too much time alone on reddit and not developing a social circle? There's a lot of reasons that can lead to a difficult semester and identifying them is important to prevent the same problems from happening again in the spring. Also the act of journaling will help you process your thoughts in a more productive way than if you are just ruminating.

Reading would also be a great use of your time because for one, the act of reading helps to alleviate feelings of loneliness. You can also read different books about motivation, psychology, health, or success that can give you some tools on how to think about your problems. Some books that were beneficial to me when I was in a similar situation were, "Change Your Brain Change Your Life (before 25)," "The Defining Decade," and "Mindset." Here's the links to them on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Brain-Life-Before/dp/0373892926

https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483208928&sr=1-1&keywords=mindset

Lastly, learning new skills will help you increase your confidence and remind you that you are a capable person. Learn how to solve a rubix cube, learn to play a song on some instrument, take a coding class online, or teach yourself how to make an omelette. Honestly, you can teach yourself anything and it will be beneficial. Learning these small skills will make you feel productive and increase your sense of self-efficacy.

Try not to think of your failures as a sign that there is something inherently wrong with you or that you are a failure. You have an incredible capability to grow as a human in all areas of your life and failing is a good sign to show that your pushing yourself to learn. In the words of John Wooden, "Failure isn't fatal, but failure to change might be."

I'll leave you with one last quote that I found to be inspirational: "Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all." - Norman Vincent Peale.

ILL!

What I've learned in multiple shitty jobs is that we're usually a lot more resilient and adaptable than we think. That job is going to be hell for you in the beginning, but something worth remembering all the time is that it will become easier and easier with repetition. You might not ever like it, but it will certainly become easier to tolerate, and one day looking back it will just be a mild annoyance in your life/career.

Edit: A more practical tip is listening to good audiobooks on the topic of how to understand and deal with people. You can start with Dale Carnegie, but I'm sure there are modern alternatives focused on the retail life.

I'm a woman but my advice is not that you should dump him. Some of your comments give me pause.

The fact that you're giving him blowjobs at approximately 2x the rate of sex, plus:

> he says I often "try too hard, or want it too much. " he says he feels like im forcing him into it. And never give him space.

> He also works 50-60 hour work weeks on a regular basis.

> He says the 3rd and most hurtful reason is because of my weight gain, which is true.

Any one of these things might cause a decent slow-down. All taken together they are plenty reason for bed-death. He's infuriating to me personally but I think you need to read the posts by /u/D_Hamm35. His reasons for losing libido sound very similar to what you are doing.

1 - get your weight under control. For YOU, not for him. But it will help your self esteem & confidence is sexy. You are at the height of your sexiness for your entire life. Stop ruining it with fat. You will be 32 in the blink of an eye and you will regret what you did to yourself.

2 - stop trying so hard. I'm currently reading Why Men Love Bitches, which was recommended on here recently. It is a very easy & straight-forward read. Go get it, and read it. You need to find some things to do that are just for you. Leave him home alone sometimes. Encourage him to take back up an old activity that he is interested in. Or just leave him home to figure it out. Say no to him when it is not convenient for you. This is NOT game-play. This is for your own self-esteem and worthiness. Stop being so accommodating. Everything you've written here indicates you're losing touch with yourself, and that is the opposite of sexy.

Re-establish your OWN life separate from him. Have things to do and people to see that are NOT about him. Don't ask if he is okay with it. Don't clear your schedule with him or get his permission before you make plans. The best possible situation is one where you are able to sometimes say to him, "oh, sorry! I can't! I have plans." This is verrrrry attractive behavior.

You might have other guys hitting on you, but the caliber of guy who will hit on a woman who has gained weight and currently has low self esteem (which you will be broadcasting with your behavior, whether you like it or not) is very low. Trust me on this. You deserve better than those guys who are aiming low. Get yourself put back together, period, whether your current relationship works out or not.

You are sending out a strong signal that says I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Well, he believes you. Stop that!

All of these things will help your relationship, but more importantly, they will help YOU. You're giving yourself up for him, and your dead bedroom is evidence he doesn't like it.

Introvert who likes to dance here.

Honestly, you sound judgmental and condescending. It's okay for you to not like these things, but it's absolutely fine for your girlfriend to enjoy them. There is nothing morally wrong with getting drunk and dancing to loud music with a bunch of your friends.

Are you afraid of her cheating on you or something? Are you afraid of feeling "lame" or left out? Then you need to say that directly, not go on an insulting passive aggressive rant. A decent girlfriend can enjoy dancing and support their partner who doesn't enjoy it (and, you know, not cheat, etc.)

Trust and strong communication skills are essential to healthy relationships.

I can actually bring up some recommended reading!
Nonviolent Communication and Taking the War Out of Our Words are both excellent books on clear and effective communication and I can't recommend them enough.

I'm sorry if I've come across as harsh, but your words were pretty harsh, too. In order to feel more secure in your connection to your partner, you're going to have to trust them enough to feel safe opening up to them.

I do hope this helps.

Yay! Here's a link. I think you'll love it.

Attached

In a significant majority of situations I’ve seen since I began studying infidelity after dday, BS and WS perceive and react to the world around them in different ways.

It gets down to adult attachment theory, the way we react when we feel threatened in abandoned in our primary love relationship. Read “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment” for more.

Attached

Basically (and I am speaking in very broad terms), WS tend to withdraw from conflict while BS tend to confront it.

While many WS do have significant emotional barriers that they need to address in order to understand why they did it, its not necessarily that they are emotionally immature (although many certainly are), it’s more that their past taught them how to deal with the world differently.

I’m not sure if any of this resonates for you, because there are absolutely cases where none of this applies. If it does though, I encourage you to read “attached” and “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson to get a better understanding.

Cheers,

>
i have come to believe that much of our conduct in dating and in relationships is beyond rational/intentional decision-making; we are quite frequently unaware of our own preferences/desires, and so our desires do not follow a normal goal-oriented model.

I'm going to recommend two books I read recently:

• Attached, which is an explanation of adult attachment theory. This one I saw mentioned in another sub.
  
• Passion and Reason, which is a discussion of "emotional reason" or "emotional logic". My therapist suggested I read about this topic.
  
  Together with recent events, these two books have taught me a lot about myself.

Read this book: How to stop worrying and start living, by Dale Carnegie

I understand what he's going through. I'm in the process of wedding planning, finding a job, and moving in that order. (Wedding planning is actually keeping me from finding a job ATM. It's frustrating because FH wanted me to be moved up in his city by his birthday. :/) I've mentioned it to my therapist about how I wasn't sure for the following reasons:

• I'm his first (and only) girlfriend, so the whole "I don't want him to regret later on" really weighs on my mind
  
• Our sex drives are completely opposite (the same as yours)
  
• Insert general freakout about something small here (I worry about everything way too much, I've got anxiety)
  
  Therapist says its totally normal to have cold feet and I believe her. The sex thing can be fixed. (Try this book.) I think the stress of the job and moving impacts sex, and that has major impacts. It's hard to want to rely on the person who you are trying to keep at arm's length because you're not sure if your mind thinks your heart is in the right place. (Your heart is in the right place, your mind is just stressed and thinks it needs to protect your emotions.) In addition, I imagine the stress of wedding planning and all of the things related to it affects anyone's desire to want to have sex with anyone. Wedding brain makes you think labels for your envelopes are way more important than sex!
  
  Have you both done some pre-marital sessions? If you have I would go back and look at some discussion topics that you both were solid on and start there.
  
  I know that in the end the underlying feeling is that I want to marry him. Your fiance says the same so I believe he feels the same.

I'll add:

https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without-ebook/dp/B0051SDM5Q

https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1259644901

https://www.amazon.com/Strategic-Management-Information-Services-Planning/dp/0851423469

These are some really great suggestions. I wanted to mention Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone. This book has done more to help me strengthen my relationships (romantic or otherwise) than any book I have ever read. It is about communication rather than toxic behavior, but like /u/raziphel said removing toxic behaviors isn't much good if you don't replace them with better alternatives (nature abhors a vacuum).

I read her book a few months ago and it was great. I highly recommend it.

Yup.

I believe you're referring to this talk and this book. It's a very interesting book, I actually just finished reading it a couple days ago... gained some good insight.

It's really hard to do. First and foremost, speak to an attorney. Don't give her any hints that you're planning to divorce her in advance. My post history from a couple of years ago shows all that I went through, including claims that she had already called the police on me (she had not. and I called the police the next day to see how I could protect myself), breaking into my email to get my correspondence with the attorney, and not being honest about large amounts of debt.

I recommend this book - Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with BPD or NPD. It is a good understanding of the steps you can take, and what is and is not within your control during the process. I'm not diagnosing your wife with any sort of certain illness or disorder, but I will say the behavior you describe certainly has a Cluster B flavor to it. In fact, the way you wrote about her objections to therapy are nearly word-for-word what I dealt with over the years when trying to get her to go to couples counseling with me.

Another person in this thread mentioned projection with your wife describing Laura as a Narcissist, and I experienced that as well. I wasn't falling back into the cycle of staying in the marriage yet again to make it work, because I always believed her that things would get better. She finally went to a talk therapist. Once my ex realized that, I was accused of being a sociopath, and that her new therapist agreed with her that I was the cause of all her mental and physical problems. The therapist I had never met, and during her first session.

What truly helped me was individual therapy for myself, and finding a group of people in /r/BPDlovedones who had bizarrely similar experiences to my own over the years. I was pointed there after telling a bit of my story in /r/Divorce and some users suggested I go take a look. It took a lot for me to understand just how toxic the relationship was, and my part in that cycle. Hell, I even had a similar experience in discussing my concerns with her parents, and that being used against me by her.

I also recommend the books Boundaries, and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life. Stop Caretaking was probably the best one for giving me concrete examples of how my own behavior and thought patterns were part of the problem.

It took me a long time and many false starts to leave that unhealthy relationship. I wish I had the knowledge, strength, and courage to have done it sooner.

Isn't there a really good book about boundaries out there? Damn, what's it called? Oh here it is.

You really need to read the guides on this subreddit, look to your right.

If that isn't enough start with: http://contemporarylit.about.com/od/memoir/fr/theGame.htm
Then go read: http://www.amazon.com/The-Mystery-Method-Beautiful-Women/dp/0312360118

Also, your post is all about how you are and thinking that you won't need to change yourself to be successful. While you won't have to change the core of how you are, alot of "game" or "Seduction" is about be confident inside, changing how you view yourself and how that translates to success with women.

Read the books, then come back and ask

Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein

She Comes First by Ian Kermer

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

Come as you are by Emily Nagoski

So this reading suggestion is from the sidebar.

And also try Mating in Captivity

Relationships will always have ups and downs, but no, they don't have to go downhill.

Submission Statement

Non-monogamy is having a moment. When your needs for food, shelter, and transport are met, what comes next? What makes life most meaningful and pleasurable? For many people, maybe most of us, the answer is sex. But we're mostly bound by neo-Puritan mores around sexuality. "The Sex Machine" interests because it offers another way, and, even 30 years after Thy Neighbor's Wife, the proposition that conventional monogamy is not the way for everyone feels subversive.

We know from looking around us and from Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence that "normal" relationships aren't working for a sizable portion of the population. This article points to another way.

Same thing happened to me and my girlfriend, although over a longer time period. You'll find a lot of similar stories in /r/deadbedrooms... that's a very common problem.

As for advice, I highly recommend the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, as well as her TED talk (her second talk is a bit off-topic here), for a start. Basically, if you want to change the situation, you'll need to understand why you bf's libido faded, and then find a way to address the issue(s) you identified. You can also find advice, or
at least support, on /r/deadbedrooms.

However, keep in mind that having a "honeymoon period" in the early days of a relationship that slowly wanes can also mean that your bf's low libido is actually his "normal" libido... which means that there might simply be no "solution".

> "Why arrest a murderer? It's a fools errand to expect to end murder."

That might be the weakest analogy i've ever encountered and I hope you'll admit it wasn't very thought out.

"Believe it or not, being in this country "illegally" is not a crime in and of itself"

It is a violation of federal immigration law to remain in the country without legal authorization, but this violation is punishable by civil penalties, not criminal. Chief among these civil penalties is deportation or removal, where an unlawful resident may be detained and removed from the country.


Nice misdirection.


I have put myself in their shoes and my views remain the same, I think it's you who are being limited in your thinking. Allow me to suggest what I think is a valuable book:

https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338

> Should I just bite the bullet and stick in the group?

NO. If you're meh about the project only 8 months in, and negative about the work environment, don't stick around for another 4-5 years. You will be miserable.

> ow I'm the only student who my advisor has, and if I switch lab group now or even after my master's, there's no one who'll be able to train new grad students

Not your problem. Remember, your main goal is to get training on how to be a good scientist. This should remain the first priority.

> I'm scared if she's going to get hysterical about her last student leaving and the lab getting empty.

Yep, she probably will, and it will be a difficult conversation. But, it is absolutely one that's worth having. It would be foolish to "tough it out" for years simply because you're afraid of your advisor having an emotional response.

> How should I approach on this subject to my advisor?

• Send her email requesting a meeting. "Hi ___, I'd really like to discuss my overall progress in the lab. Additionally, with all the recent changes, I have some concerns about being about to maintain an efficient pace on my project. When would be a good time to meet?"
  
  
• Think about what you need in a lab environment, and why that is. Sounds like you work best when there are experienced folks around to provide advice and support. Explain this to your advisor, and point out why you feel that you are not a good fit for her particular lab right now.
  
  
• Listen to and acknowledge her reaction / emotions to what you're staying. You can absolutely be respectful without agreeing to stay in the lab.
  
  
• I highly recommend the book "Difficult Conversations: how to discuss what matters most". It's useful not just in this instance, but for whatever uncomfortable discussions you'll need to have in the future.

For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.

It sounds like you're arguing it's advantageous to be extroverted in modern society, and while I'd definitely agree that extroversion is (somewhat sadly) held in higher esteem than introversion, that doesn't mean there are no advantages to being introverted. For more reading on this topic, check out the excellent book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain (here's a TED talk from her as well). She does a better job of explaining things than I ever could (especially because I'm a bit of an extrovert myself), so I'll leave you with these.

I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.

It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.

My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here:
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE

My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.

My wife is huge into this topic and she suggests these:

• God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!: Making Peace with Difficult People
  
• Boundaries

Check out this book: Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_uK7WCbZRWSTAN

Sadly she has not. I think the theory has its roots in work performed by Dr. Eric Berne. He wrote a pretty good book called Games People Play. It's heavy on theory at the beginning, but it's neither too difficult nor too long of a read, and it's pretty insightful stuff!

Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transaction Analysis, by Eric Berne

This book has been helpful for me. For me, the inability to engage people, and being awkward, came from inexperience. I didn't talk to enough folks when I was young, which meant I lacked the experience to form accurate conversational models. In lieu of making those same mistakes, you can apply some ideas of transactional analysis so things make more sense in the heat of the moment.

For example, one time I tried to be smart in a conversation but it ended up falling flat. Why? Because I was following a pattern of being a brainiac, because that's how I historically got respected when I wasn't a warm or exciting person. However, the other party wanted comfort and validation for a troublesome experience, and I wasn't giving that to her. Instead, I was generalizing her situation to an overarching theme.

Brainy? Sure. Satisfying? No.

Was she annoyed by me? Yes. Was I annoyed by her? Yes. However, knowing that we were playing different games, and ire came from the clash, calmed me down. This is just one of many kinds of transactions that can occur. People can have favorites; is there someone who loves repeating exciting stories to build rapport? Do you enjoy talking about a limited number of topics to retain expertise, and make every attempt to jiujitsu a conversation back to your scope?

That's okay. It's human to do that. But knowledge is power.

This reminds me of a certain book I had to do a report on. Goes around on internet mob mentality.

> Would you want your family’s income endangered because you made a very stupid, but legal mistake?

It's definitely an interesting discussion to have. You may be interested in a book related to this topic called "So You've Been Publicly Shamed". It talks a lot about incidents similar to this one.

Get yourself some audiobooks and a bike. Physical activity helps settle your nerves and gets you out of the worrying about other people's opinions.

If you had a controlling or abusive parent, I'm sorry, and with distance and boundaries between you and them, some of this constant over vigilance will diminish over time. (That is a common cause of this sort of over vigilance)

Here are some audiobooks I suggest for your rides:

A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy

The 7 Habits of Self-Loving People

Gifts of Imperfection


Here are some paper/kindle books also in this vein:

Non-Violent communication is about talking to people intimately, baring yourself vulnerably to them. It's about not demanding things. It's also about talking to yourself with similar kindness and gentleness (which you're likely not doing)

The Tao is Silent is a mathematician playing with accepting ideas, some of which are vaguely influenced by Taoism. The chapter on Dogs and Free Will I always found personally very freeing.

Just reading the title, I think you should read the book called

Attached by Amir Levine:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

You can download a pdf somewhere. It's about our styles of attachment and how we trigger each other when our basic needs and styles conflict. Maybe it'll give you some insight.

I know it doesn't mean that much now, but it will get better. He didn't realize how amazing you were, and that makes him not good enough for you, so fuck him. It will not last forever, you will be fine eventually.

Feel free to cry as much as you want. This is how your body deals with the stress, so don't let people shame you into hiding your pain.

Also, this book is an amazing read after a breakup. My roommates and I have all read it at one point (sometimes multiple points) and it never fails to make us feel better and give us some perspective.

L'ho tirata fuori perché le uniche obiezioni alla famiglia omosessuale sono di natura religiosa. Ti consiglio la lettura di questo, è interessante.

> Ah, se poi il fatto che lo stato naturale abbia selezionato l'ambiente dotato della complementarietà dei sessi come l'unico adatto alla perpetrazione della specie non ti sembra un buon fondamento…

Eh però qui ti stai avventurando in campo che non ti conviene. La complementarietà dei sessi è necessaria alla perpetrazione della specie dal punto di vista riproduttivo. Maschio + femmina = figlio. Da nessuna parte nel nostro codice genetico c'è un istinto alla monogamia. Anzi siamo fatti esattamente al contrario (ti consiglio la lettura di Sperm Wars o di The red queen se vuoi chiarirti le idee). La crescita dei figli non è perfettamente sovrapponibile al concepimento dal punto di vista biologico. L'idea che la "famiglia tradizionale" sia il costrutto sociale ideale per la crescita dei figli non ha un fondamento scientifico.

The female sexual response is characterized by a dual nature, colloquially referred to as "Alpha fucks, Beta bucks".

Read more in

Sperm Wars

The Red Queen

In my early 20's, I was having issues too. I was the proverbial "good girl" which really turned me into a doormat and I totally didn't understand the whole dating game. I know, games suck, but human nature tends to like games or you seem to get labeled as boring (which is what life becomes once you're actually in a healthy relationship- not boring, but very predictable). In the beginning, people are generally looking for excitement, and games are exciting. I read two books that I feel like helped me:
The MANual (pdf)
Amazon's copy of The MANual

And

Why Men Love Bitches

Bitch does not have a negative connotation here, it simply teaches you how to respond to the games men play in the real world by SETTING BOUNDARIES and teaching you how to respond to the games. As Christians, the only boundary we were ever taught to set was to be a ball busting gatekeeper (at least I was). This book will help you weed out guys who are looking for easy sex (unless that's what you want- in which case, use Tinder), and help you gain a sense of confidence and respect for yourself.

This was about 10 years ago for me, but I ended up landing a former "bad boy" using the principles in these books. We've been together for 6 years, married for a little over a year.

Words of caution:
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Character flaws don't go away. I feel like I was taught to see potential in people as a Christian and I fell in love with potential rather than the actual (deeply flawed, unwilling to reach for it) person. My sister married a man who she saw potential in and he hasn't changed in 7 years. They've been in therapy for two so they can learn to get along.

Everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning, but time will tell you who they really are. Some people are super charmers- if it seems too good to be true, it usually is. These guys are known as narcissists (narcissistic personality disorder) and they are deeply wounded, LOST CAUSES. I know, we were taught to believe everyone deserves a chance, but these guys will use you up and spit you out and use an abusive technique called "gas lighting" to make you think you're crazy. Trust me on this one.

Sex will eventually get old, so you'd better enjoy talking to them. My mom told me this a long time ago. It's not that you don't enjoy sex anymore, but you end up spending more time together not having sex and actually interacting. My husband actually makes me laugh, I respect his views and values, and we get along. I've dated the hottest guys in the world who I had absolutely no respect for in the past and was miserable when we weren't having sex.

There's a lot more, but you'll learn as you go. If your friends hate him, ditch him. Your friends know you and see things your rose tinted glasses prevent you from seeing.

Good luck out there!

Of course. Each relationship you have is a learning experience to teach you what you think you want and what you actually need. In the past I have immediately gone after an ex and mouthed him up and down about what a loser he was and it feels good in the moment but it also makes them feel like "Happy I don't have this bitch in my life anymore" and it in turn makes it easier for them to get over it. I wouldn't recommend this path.

I'm in the same boat, just got out of my 2nd serious relationship though and I feel exactly the same way - a lot of anger about the amount of crap/time/money/quality time I put up with. However, after some introspective thought, I'm sure he put up with a lot of my crap too. I also didn't communicate effectively the things that made me unhappy. If I had, maybe I wouldn't have sabotaged our relationship.

However, the way I feel is, I put in a lot effort that I knew wouldn't be returned, but did it anyway out of the love I had for my ex. It sucks, but now I know that I love hard and I need someone who can ask themselves: "If the shoe was on the other foot, would she do this for me?" and is willing to make the effort to do things that they don't want to do. I wouldn't have been able to come to this conclusion without my ex.

What I recommend, which has helped me tremendously, is every time I have a negative or positive feeling about my ex, I write it down. Get it out of your system so you aren't lamenting about it. It's very cathartic and truly helps you deal with your emotions and vent without projecting anger on your ex and saying things just to be hurtful. An additional benefit to writing it down is that it's personal. You can say whatever you want, doesn't matter how extreme it is.

When you are ready for your next relationship - or maybe working things out with your ex - you have a collection of your thoughts, feelings, needs and wants that you can review. It helps remind you of how far you've come, what you have gotten over and what you haven't. When you are contemplating giving your heart away again, you have an amazing resource to help you decide if the new boy is suitable or not. It'll also help you when you talk to your ex to get closure because you can calmly, and nicely, discuss the aspects of your relationship that made you unhappy.

Be patient, wait for your moment to feel vindicated. It will come. You can't change the past but you have control over your future. Be smart, and continue to be the fabulous woman that you are. When the next lucky guy comes along, you already have a set of standards that you are confident in to enforce with a zero tolerance policy.

But don't beat yourself up too much. We all learn in our own good time. A book I recommend for you is Why Men Love Bitches

You could see if the guy you like is open to a non-monogamous relationship. I've found that monogamy doesn't work for me, so I warn guys that I date that I only do open relationships. If they're fine with that, great! If not, we're not wasting each other's time. I've been with my current boyfriend for seven years now. I agreed to a few months of monogamy at the beginning when we were first getting to know each other (but was very open from before our first date about wanting an open relationship), and at four months in I told him I liked him and would be happy to be in a relationship, but not at the cost of staying monogamous. He agreed to the open relationship and I've never had to hide anything from him whether it was a one night stand or a friend with benefits, and he also shares with me when he's interested in someone else and I do what I can to be his wingman. He's shy though, so I've done the vast majority of sleeping around.

If you're going to go this route, I recommend reading up on non-monogamy and polyamory. The Ethical Slut is a good book on the topic. Even if you don't want a polyamorous relationship, the poly community has done a lot of writing on balancing multiple partners of different commitment levels and their different needs and has put a heavy focus on how to communicate with your partners and with yourself to minimize jealousy and make sure everyone feels respected and has an active role in their relationships.

Talk talk talk. That's the secret to any relationship - esp poly.

Poly means different things to different people. There is no one correct way. Poly is what you and partners decide it is. Everyone has different reasons about why they are poly.

Personally, I think that it is cruel to expect everything I want from one person. I have enough love to share and my lovers all have different roles in my life. I tired poly when I was not ready and got consumed by jealousy and relationship drama. We make mistakes and we learn. It takes a LOT of emotional maturity, patience, and trust to be in a healthy poly relationship. Poly is not for everyone and it doesn't need to be. Nothing wrong with monogamy if that's your thing.

I think people are more fascinated with the idea of poly. And reality is not always that glamorous. So many people want a quick peep into the lifestyle. The taboo is alluring. But many people also cannot get over the possessiveness and insecurity. No matter how secure you are in yourself and how strong your relationship is, being in a real life poly situation will bring up insecurities and challenge your relationship. If you both work on it together, you will become more close and trusting of each other. It can also drive a wedge between you both.

I would also suggest any of the the below books.

• Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships - https://www.amazon.com/Designer-Relationships-Monogamy-Polyamory-Optimistic/dp/1627781471/
  
• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures - https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664/
  
• Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic - https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Reconciling-Erotic-Domestic/dp/0060753633/
  
• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships - https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/
  
• Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality - https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805/

I heard good things about this book and it’s author (I’m familiar with “The Gift of Fear”): Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_I3kBDbRARZN9K

Might give you some guidance

I'm going to give you a reading list. He gives some good tips on what to look for and how to speak up for yourself.

Eg. if a man is walking toward you or insists on helping you carry your grocery bags, the author tells you what to do and how to set your boundaries. A normal man will listen to those boundaries, a predator will keep insisting.

If you notice someone stalking you, you can also ask a security guard or an employee to walk you to your car.

You can also partner up with another woman/mother with kids. safety in numbers.

If it was me I would probably tell him off, but that assertiveness is a skill it can take some time to acquire and feel comfortable using.

​

​

https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

https://www.amazon.ca/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=pd_bxgy_14_3/134-2609707-8269027?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0440509009&pd_rd_r=e328d520-7aa4-11e9-985f-5d3a71b469ca&pd_rd_w=IbjEI&pd_rd_wg=v5Doq&pf_rd_p=a62e2918-d998-4bbb-8337-35aac776e851&pf_rd_r=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS&psc=1&refRID=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS

I know I'm posting two links to the same author in this thread, but I promise they are both worth reading: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)

It's from this book: https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754/

We ended up using this book for our "counseling" I really liked it as it was research based. We tried to do an exercise or two each night after work without any distractions.

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

Has your husband read 7 principles for making marriages work? I mention it because there's a whole section in there about why it's important for husbands to support their wives, even in the face of in-laws. It might validate him that he did the right thing, if he sees that even famous relationship psychologists agree with him!

How To Quit Worrying And Start Living by Dale Carnegie, the author of How To Win Friends And Influence People.

This is a pretty good list.

Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non-defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
The last point includes these actions:
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
• Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
• https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
• This book pretty much started a revolution in the therapy industry on how they help those betrayed by adultery deal with it. She was one of the first using therapies based on PTSD recovery for those who have suffered infidelity.
• I will warn you that Not Just Friends, while a very good book, is full of triggers because of how she maps out how affairs begin. What I recommend is that if you find it triggering, that you put it down and then come back to it when you are in a better mental state.
• Finally you need to make sure that you take care of yourself.
• Force yourself to eat small meals, and if you can't do that then try meal replacement shakes.
• Drink water, maybe tea to keep you hydrated, and try to stay away from alcohol. It is a depressant and while it will help in the short term you need to watch out for the long term.
• Sleep. I know you are having issues with this. If you need try an over the counter pain reliever with a sleep aid or a better thing to do is to consult your doctor. Most of these contain generic benadryl which causes drowsiness.
• You need to have your wife and yourself go in and have a full STD panel done. Unfortunately in fantasy land waywards and APs rarely think about using protection.
• Finally, don't be too quick to enter couple's counseling. Too many marriage counselors are trained in such a way to work on relationship problems, and not infidelity. They end up doing more harm than good. If you have decided to go this route then please interview the counselor first to find out how they work with couples dealing with this. IF the counselor talks about relationship issues and unmet needs causing infidelity thank them and find another therapist.

Alright, kid. You're 12. You like to read. Good work. It's useful for exploring new interests. A few recommendations for life in book form:
Yoga for Dummies
Chinese: Crash Course
A Series of Unfortunate Events
The Phantom Tollbooth
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living
Case Closed, Vol. 1
What We Talk About When We Talk About Love

Those should get you started on an introspective teenagehood. If any of those strike your interests, let me know and I'll do a little digital dumpster diving.

Here is the book. It can be done.

I’m so sorry. You are right to feel sad and angry. I read a book that might help you too. I did leave my cheating spouse so I can’t offer advice on saving the marriage but I can tell you in my case the pain is still there. I think therapy would be a smarter route if you are staying in your marriage. I didn’t get therapy and I think it would have helped a lot.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_PsIiDbKNF213Y

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You know in the movie Donnie darko when what’s her fuck said that “cellar door” is the most beautiful phrase in the English language? Well “I trust her, I just don’t trust him” is the most idiotic, schmuck, fucking clueless inexperienced beta male shit ass dumb fucking phrase in the English language.

Every word he has spoken or written to your wife, every iota of motivation to interact with her, every second he has spent around your wife is fueled by romantic/sexual feelings. Not. Fucking. Platonic. And your wife... best case scenario loves the attention....worst case, she loves him. It’s probably somewhere in the middle.

You say he’s not a scumbag. That should worry you. A scumbag would make his intentions known overtly. A scumbag wouldn’t be pining away for a taken woman for years. A scumbag wouldn’t be sending a married woman gifts. A scumbag would actually be living his life and going after other women.

Call me old fashion... but the minute a man makes a pass at a married woman... if she has boundaries and values her marriage and husband... that dude is officially excommunicated. But no, you let her make him hubby number 2. Your happy your wife has someone to talk to while your at work? Huh? So what exactly does your wife do? She doesn’t have a job? What kind of shit show are you running?

Yes your wife is up to something. You say you have access to their messages. Ok bud... if you think youve seen more then A small fraction of their communication then i have some ocean front property in Iowa I’d like to sell you. Why is she talking on apps? Why aren’t they texting? And why is it 2 different apps? The age old question is can men and women be friends? Yes they can.... they just aren’t. Humans are motivated by attraction. Attraction is literally the most important thing in the western world. If your wife was 300 pounds with the exact same personality... this dude wouldn’t even know her name. Same goes for your wife. If she wasn’t attracted to him... she would zero motivation to interact with him. That’s how adults work. Someone commented earlier about trust being more then just her not having an affair. The fact that your marriage is even in this position should effect the trust you have for your wife.

I would tell my wife that he is not to set foot in this house nor is she to be alone with him . And that you’ve had enough and we will be taking him to dinner to talk about how it’s time for him to get his own life, about her lack of boundaries and making “marriage first” choices. This will be a good bye dinner.

And you and your wife need to read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

Here’s a free pdf version. https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Shirley-P.-Glass-Jean-Coppock-Staeheli-Not-_Just-Friends__-Rebuilding-Trust-and-Recovering-Your-Sanity-After-Infidelity.pdf

I can’t comprehend why you have given the green light to ANY of this fuckery...

So you were in a ruff patch and found someone shiny and new. You started having an emotional affair with this guy who was receptive to the situation and wanted to be more than friends. Instead of distancing yourself, you continued to be around him until you were weak enough to cheat. This is a culmination of bad choices on your part and now you know you are capable of cheating. You will also carry this for the rest of your life unless you are a narcissist.

The instant a friend expresses romantic interest in you, they are no longer a friend they are a threat to your relationship. At that point you need to distance yourself from the friend until they no longer have feelings for you. Also, you can never really be that close to them again while you are in a relationship.

Advice:

• If you have not told your BF, tell him before he finds out another way. Be prepared for the relationship to end.
  
• You are young and should probably move on anyway to let your boyfriend heal and to find someone who will not hurt him like this. He does not need a partner that he has to worry about every time they go out alone. How would you feel being with someone who you had to monitor or they might be cheating on you? Trust is very hard to restore and it is probably best to start over with someone else.
  
• Get an STD test done before sleeping with anyone else.
  
• Remember if they are willing to cheat with you, they will be willing to cheat on you. This new guy had no respect for your relationship, so if you enter one with him, he will probably cheat if given the opportunity.
  
• Read this book to help you do some soul searching.
  
  Good luck,

That's horrible. But tomorrow is another day. Try to do better tomorrow. You can do it. If you like funny helpful books read this: https://www.amazon.ca/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968 It helped me get through some things it's good for a lot of things. It does cover over eating your breakup. It's cheap and story segmented with good anecdotes. Feel better, you've lost 50 pounds that's a lot of good work and excellent dedication.

> and a woman is far more likely to conceive through a casual fling than through sex with her regular partner

Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles

https://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489

The tone of this poster is very inflamatory, but the information in the above post is backed by some serious research. Reproduction is major business, after all animals have adapted to their detriment to attract mates (think male peacocks, those tails make them easier prey.) Humans are just as influenced by biology as any other animal. We however, can educate ourselves and modify our behaviors as we see fit. I highly recommend the following books to anyone with the smallest interest in this topic. They are all fascinating reads and I guarentee brain = asplode when you read them.

Sperm Wars by Robin Baker

The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature, by Matt Ridley

The Selfish Gene, by Richard Dawkins

The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People by David P. Barash Ph.D. and Judith Eve Lipton

Also, I'm a gal, and understanding how evolutionary biology made humans behave the way they do has been a real eye opener. Let me tell you, bars and clubs are infinitely more amusing now. The people watching has taken on a whole new level of entertainment!

EDIT: The links were messed up, had to fix that.

Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles https://www.amazon.com/dp/1560258489/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_T-7vCbXSNZTJ0

I once read this book. It pretty much is the science of sex and reproduction. It was the Pinnacle of sex science around 2006.

The only book on my shelf not yet mentioned is Mating in Captivity. (and of course the joy of sex).

Seriously? What if a woman said the same thing you’re saying

“I need a partner to carry all of my emotional weight”

It’s not fair on anyone, regardless of gender.

Edit: highly suggest mating in captivity which discusses these roles we expect our partners to fill. Also, perhaps some therapy?

Mating in Captivity ---> over there in the sidebar.

Read it.

If you want to read more on this, I recommend the book "Against Empathy" by Paul Bloom. Obviously, the title is meant to be provocative but the contents talk about exactly this... why does the death of a cute child move us to action more than an adult... and lots more.

There is a new book that was released earlier this year and it's called "Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking". Good reviews.

I read it and agree!

It took me a long time to recognize, respect, and embrace my introversion.

The Introverted Lawyer gave me reassurance that I will be able to utilize my skills appropriately.

I have two other book recommendations for other introverts looking to embrace that side of themselves. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Caine (link is to the book on Amazon) and then The Secret Lives of Introverts by Jenn Grannerman (no link on that one-I bought/read it on my iPad).

You will enjoy this book, it may help clarify some things for you: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0307352145/

As a fellow introvert it definitely helped me realise some things. I could try and explain it to you, but like you I prefer not to talk when I don't know enough to back up what I'm saying.

I would send him this book and this book. I know they are controversial, but let's face it, chances are the guy is depressed because he feels lonely. I'd also recommend writing a kick ass letter to encourage him, as mentioned by yaboyAllen.

The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security

What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People

Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior

How to Win Friends & Influence People

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion

Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis

The 48 Laws of Power

Great list! I have read all the above and totally agree that their value is worthwhile to anyone seeking to improve their life -- regardless of financial status, relationships, profession, etc. A couple others that I've found useful along the road:

6. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by N. Branden. During the reawakening stage and after a particularly painful breakup, I found this book helpful. Learning the concept of "alone-ness" versus "loneliness" continues to drive many motivations.

7. Games People Play by Eric Berne. Want to understand why your plate/gf/wife went batshit insane over the stupidest thing, and how to counteract it in the future? Read this book. Want to understand why your coworker was making those strange comments to your boss? Read this book - a must for anyone wanting to learn more about game theory and its application to everyday life. (Next on my list is The Art of Strategy ).

8. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. In many ways this is an antithesis to Freudian thought -- whereas Freud argued man is happy when seeking and obtaining pleasure, Frankl postulates that finding meaning and understanding is what makes us happy. In the context of TRP theory, meditating on, if not fully understanding, these concepts is absolutely necessary.

9. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. The seminal work on the concept and application of persuasion. From negotiations to dating/relationships to job performance, I would rank this book at the top of many lists.

A few other authors/books I've seen mentioned elsewhere that are worth checking out: anything by Kurt Vonnegut, The Art of War by Sun Tzu (which goes hand in hand with The Prince for a great East/West study), and Rollo Tomassi. I've also found some of Oscar Wilde's writing to be both amusing and insightful.

[edit: formatting.]

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl―A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship is a good female counterpart to NMMNG.

It's a best seller

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1580627560/ref=cm_cr_arp_mb_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8

I am an INFJ entrepreneur

There is alot to unpack in your question.

Do you know your ennegram type?

Cultivating self awareness is the absolute key, check out gary vee's youtube channel for more information about that.

>I've failed a lot, and feel like giving up

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQZLeOh-kkQBRO6sRZPQw9MGVoxk_YPNYKGylt5ZWNaSOR5VanZ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdAKO3b8oLc


>all the time but worrying everytime you do it?

To be successful in business I think you need to really enjoy the risk, like for that to become your comfort zone. A good book to read about this is "daring greatly" https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419

Also overcoming any anxiety you might have with CBT.


>I have this desire to kind of change the world and make people know their potential and be good at it through business

Visions like that take decades or your whole life to accomplish. Also you need to carefully think about how you want to change the world "for the better". Many business don't change the world for the better, and since capitalism itself makes the world "worse" (I am totally anti-communist too) than it can be difficult to work within it to really positively change the world.
Whats your idea?

If this is a topic that interests you, check out So You've Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson

The following strategies and resources are those that have proven particularly useful to me. I hope they will prove useful to you as well. I think it's helpful to approach them like an academic subject - take notes, analyze and dig deeper, look for related resources. Take your time on it and approach it like a continuing education process.

Self-work:

• The Power of Vulnerability and other work by Brene Brown
  
• Stoicism
  
• Radical Honesty
  
• Exposure and Habituation (this is specifically focused on overcoming anxiety, but is very useful for confronting/dealing with anything you avoid for fear of negative emotions)
  
  Communication:
  
  
• Active listening
  
• Non-violent communication
  
• General tips
  
  Relationships:
  
  
• More Than Two
  
• Multiamory podcast (scroll for interesting/relevant topics)
  
• Poly Weekly podcast (ditto)

Nonviolent communication does not mean that there is abuse, it is a method of communicating detailed in the excellent book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. It is a method of communication that focus word choice to try to remove negative values from your communication. If you have not read the book I highly recommend it, along with The Usual Error another communication book, this one focusing on how to effectively listen to understand, and communicate to be understood.

Okay, read this book. It’s a bit science heavy, but literally changed my life on attachment behaviors and helped me recognize when I’m falling into them.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_HHWBDbTR78S7C

Anxious-avoidant attachment. The anxious person (me) opens up a little too easily and tends to rush into things.. especially with the avoidants. We like avoidants because they don't open up as easily and seem more self assured and confident (something we inherently lack). So opening them up is an adventure for us. Eventually the clingyness wears on the avoidant and causes issues.

Apparently there's "secure" people who have no problem opening up and committing but don't over-do it like the anxious people. Anxious and avoidants can avoid relationship issues and become more secure by dating a secure person. The problem is that secure people are rarely single.

That's the gist but this book is really fascinating on the topic. Completely changed how I approach dating.

Gavin de Becker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift offer excellent insights on this topic. Despite the book titles, I've found I live with less fear by employing some of the authors tactics.

rereading this book feels so much more real and helpful now that i'm graduating than it did three years ago. would highly recommend it to anyone about to graduate college

I feel this exact same way. Now that my future isn't set in stone of "Get married and make babies" and I can think and pick for myself, I have NO idea what I want to do. I know I do still like the idea of getting married one day, and I know that I do NOT want kids, but I have no idea what to do instead. I have no idea who I am.

I'd recommend reading "The Defining Decade".

http://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter--/dp/0446561754/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420754557&sr=8-1&keywords=the+defining+decade

It's about "making your twenties matter" and figuring out who you are, but I think it's very motivational and inspiring and extremely helpful for anyone in an identity crisis regardless of age. I spent a few weeks the last month crying because I absolutely have no clue what to do with the rest of my life. I very literally don't know how to think for myself, and this book is changing that, slowly but surely.

/u/tanhan27 has some great advice.

As another husband working to heal broken marriage right now, I'd recommend working through this book alongside pastoral counseling. My wife and I have both found it to be very helpful for remembering how to think of one another positively and lovingly after letting what once seemed like insurmountable bitterness build up between one another. It's not coming from an explicitly Christian perspective, but when used with a clear understanding of God's plan for marriage it can be a very powerful guide through the details of healing a marriage.

Hey, friend. I want to give you some real-word advice, from someone likely much older than you.

If this is a common thing for you, I would highly suggest reading a book called How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. Its $2 on Kindle. It gives some really practical advice for handling anxiety, which is something that plagues us all.

One of the techniques it mentions is keeping busy. Keep your mind, and your body, occupied. Do not give yourself time to ruminate on things. Ruminating is never productive. Ever. This is not the same as ignoring. Don't confuse the two. Ignoring a problem is bad. But ruminating on it is not the same as addressing it, and it is not helpful.

So clean that room. Just do it. You will feel inexplicably better than you think you have any right to for doing such a simple thing. And you will marvel at what in the world prevented you from doing it before, having been such a simple task.

Which brings me to another point, but I will make it my last here. More is in the book I suggested. Everyone has a todo list in their head. The size of that list is what matters anxiety-wise. Not the difficulty or length of the tasks. This is counter-intuitive.

You would think the more work you have to do, and are not doing, the more it should weigh on your mind. But that is not the case. It is the number of tasks, large or small, that weighs most heavily on your mind.

And most people have a million very small things on their mental todo list.

So clear it out. Just do them. Get them out of your mental space. They will take a shockingly short amount of time and bring you such a disproportionate amount of comfort, you will marvel at why you didn't do them sooner.

Then you can get back to splatting squids and losing every. single. game.

And that's the good type of problem to have.

Thanks for the list. If I may add one book that relieve my problems with worry and anxiety: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354 [-]

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is also one of the best. (If you failed to follow rules of How To Win Friends and Influence People)

You should read Games People Play; it'll give you a new perspective on your friends

Something to read that will help you find answers or ideas to your questions.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0991399706/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526441375&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=more+than+two&dpPl=1&dpID=51twfWzEPbL&ref=plSrch

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0399579664/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526441540&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=the+ethical+slut&dpPl=1&dpID=51HiTftUarL&ref=plSrch

Protecting the Gift was immensely helpful for me.

This might not answer your question outright, but this book talks about the subject of teaching/protecting your child from unwanted physical contact/abuse/violence. It's very matter of fact, and it's definitely changed my views on certain parenting choices.

Another vote for 9 as definitely being old enough to go to the playground alone. I also grew up with lots of autonomy as a kid and plan on giving my kids the same freedoms. I walked to kindergarten alone and I just can't imagine my kids being any less capable than I was. Kids need to get outside and play without their parents there.

How was your wife's childhood? Was she given freedom and autonomy? I have a few older friends with teenagers who were never allowed out of their parent's sight. The kids are now lovely teens, nice, friendly, happy and fun to talk to, but totally unable to do anything for themselves, from make a sandwich to take the bus. I recommend the book Protecting the Gift. Great advice about how to teach your kids to be safe.

Yay! That's awesome.

Side note: security expert Gavin de Becker says in one of his books that parents should not train kids to ask police officers for help, because kids can't tell the difference between police officers and mall rent-a-cops, and a kind of startling number of serial killers, rapists, etc. have worked as rent-a-cops (he includes a list in his book). I think it was this book: https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

Also, mall cops usually work for the mall rather than a specific store, so they have the run of the place and could take your kid anywhere. In a mall or store, the kid should ask a cashier, because typically a cashier can't leave that store and may not even be able to leave the cash register without getting in trouble. Also, they often have a PA system right there so they can make an announcement.

De Becker recommends telling kids to ask for help from a woman, not from a man, because statistically speaking women are so much less likely to kidnap and harm children.

HEY! EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT!
I've gone through bouts of similar thought processes and usually it's pretty difficult to dig yourself. There's no one thing that anything can say to brighten the situation or your outlook. Still, this book helped me find a bit of focus and perspective (http://www.amazon.com/The-Defining-Decade-Twenties-Matter-And/dp/0446561754), though it has nothing to do with existentialism.

It can be a bit corny at times, but overall it offers some pretty practical advice.

Hmmm. Stumbled upon this sub, like, 3 hours ago, and I'm hooked.

So, Monday was an okay day. I got up early enough and had some time with Rising Sun Bro and myself before my family woke up.

Around 3-ish plopped down on the computer and hunted for game soundtracks (Kirby Nightmare in Dreamland FTW).

After that I studied chemistry 15 minutes, and got bored, really really, quick. Walked in to the desktop and read up some Naruto until 7.

At 7:30 jogged about a half km and played some intense football and basketball until 10.

Ran up and down 7 flights of stairs and took a shower before sinking in with my Kindle and a nice read of Defining Decade.

I should really start studying harder.

Hmm. You seem to see a future with this guy, which implies serious decisions like co-habitation, marriage, children, etc. He sounds like he's more focused on living in the now, which is fine, for him.

Consider this: Is there any evidence he (and for that matter, you) is working toward achieving your future goals, or are they just sweet nothings to keep you satiated while he perfects his K/D ratio on COD?

You're not being a "heartless bitch." I'd say your concerns point to a very heartfelt feeling. You want your boyfriend to improve educationally for himself, and you want to keep things moving relationship-wise for the both of you. Unless you start making ultimatums and harranguing him without calmly explaining your reasons why (for example), you haven't nearly crossed into "bitch" territory.

Now, while he's working two jobs (how long can a man keep that up, btw?), smoking ganja, drinking the Dew, and gaming, what are you doing? You seemingly implied you're in Uni, and I'm guessing you're pursuing other things in your life, based on the overall candor of your post. In the next few years you'll start changing as a person, and if he stays the same, something's going to give.

I don't mean to frighten you or anything, but there's a good possiblity you're dating someone who's perfect for you right now,but, as you've rightly began to see, may not be the perfect guy for you to settle down with. That's okay. It's part of growing up.

Take some time to think about the future from a variety of different scenarios and decide if the real him can be a part of your ideal future.

Also, I'd highly reccomend you read The Defining Decade, or at least listen to author Meg Jay's TEDTalk. I think you're starting to grasp the issues that affect many 20-somethings, myself included, and it can give you a good perspective on some of the things you're clearly beginning to think about w/r/t your future.

Good luck!

26F, married, known a long time, maybe not that experienced. I'm also not "living the lifestyle" - I don't do a lot of active dating, but we're defacto open and I don't need to ask for permission. I don't feel trapped or restricted. It's good.

I found "The Defining Decade" helpful in answer the question "WTF am I supposed to be doing?!". I'd recommend it, it's short.

I think you just have to make the best decisions you can with the information you have, that are most consistent with your values and long-term goals. Nobody knows those better than you.

I read a book by a gal named Meg Jay about this. It was extremely helpful, a friendly read and practical. I don't read much but I loved it.

https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

In terms of Bible verses. Pro 3:5-6. Jer 29:11. Rom 8:28 and the one about how we are new creations in Christ.

I'm training to be a therapist and my gut tells me that the part where he became a pimp isn't the heaviest part of this for you. If it was I would expect your post to focus more on being obsessed with your career. It seems like your dad was so concerned with being able to provide for his family that he was willing to do anything to accomplish that and it eroded his morals. Since you talk about how important family is I imagine part of what is on your mind is the importance of providing for a family. In which case a Bible study about how God provides would be helpful.

>Whilst their marriage lasted 18 years, most of those years were unhappy for both of them. They both drank heavily and fought nightly. There was never any physical violence but the vitriol with which they yelled at each other made for a tense household. They also slept in separated rooms for much of their marriage.

I may be wrong, but I think this may be the bigger part that has created your fear of commitment. What you saw doesn't reflect what you want in a marriage. In this area I find psychological research more helpful because it gives examples of how to live out what are usually Biblical principles.

This book is frequently recommended https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Gottman+marriage&qid=1549639067&s=Books&sr=1-1

I read that as well as Intimacy & Desire a few years ago, so my memory may be a little rusty.

There is a fair bit of overlap (same author) but PM was much more focused on sex than I&D.

I didn't find PM was that useful because I felt that there was almost a presupposition that both partners wanted sex, they just had an emotional disconnect. PM was about overcoming that emotional disconnect and using sex as a bonding experience. Useful for some maybe, but not when your partner is put off by anything related to sex.

Codependency

I&D found much more applicable to my situation, for one key insight:

If both partners find validation in love from their partner, then the relationship can't be sustained. At some point compromises have to be made. When that happens the compromising partner feels that they are unloved by the other. If both partners do this, then a disconnect & distance inevitably arises. Paradoxically, to feel loved by your partner then you have to not need to feel loved by your partner.


My Gottman Soapbox

Personally, I found both Schnarch books far more useful than anything by the ubiquitous Gottman though. Gottman may be great at observing couples and describing behaviours, but:

• there is almost nothing in his books that deals with underlying emotional issues;
  
• I felt that all of his advice was only useful for couples like my parents, who are already in a mediocre/good marriage but both partners want to make it better. If you're already in a marriage that is on the rocks then dealing with outward behaviours and not the underlying emotional issues that cause(d) resentments/distance in the first place is just a bandaid (and if there's anything I've learned in /r/deadbedrooms, it's that by the time people post their relationships are almost always already in major trouble)

I can't speak from experience but The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work was a great read

What about this one about making a marriage work: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553447718/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1459301040&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=marriage+books&dpPl=1&dpID=51Nkqvbb07L&ref=plSrch

Or this one about finances: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1615215611/ref=mp_s_a_1_9?qid=1459301307&sr=8-9&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=marriage+books+finances

(Sorry I'm on mobile and can't remember how to link words).

Not a therapist recommendation, but I strongly suggest Dr John Gottman's book. This American Life had a good intro to his work. Basically, his team decided to treat marriage like a natural phenomenon and take a statistical data-based look at what predicts failure or success of a marriage. The results run counter to a lot of common wisdom about relationships.

This book helped me immensely http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

For right now, just see if you can think of 3 good positive things about yourself. No one but you needs to know about them. Asking this question frequently will help you learn to refocus onto more positive things in life and about yourself. Maybe see if you can ask yourself this question every morning when you wake up and/or whenever you are going to sleep.

Also, research "Kaizen" philosophy.

Good luck, fellow traveler

Criterion Collection. All of it.

Hemingway. "Old Man And the Sea" is delightful and a quick read. You don't want to die not having read it. What else is the point?

That said: Prioritize. Spending time with friends or away from computers is way more important than any of this. Have fun or learn how to do that (tl;dr: Most of your judgements are false, get over yourself).

Gratitude. You're sitting in front of a computer. You're pretty rich.

"Nirvana" read by Tom Waits.

Life can really suck sometimes and there is no denying that. If you watch the news, only bad horrible scary things get reported. Things we as individuals can't do much about so it seems overwhelming that you want to just curl up into a ball somewhere.

But there are so many awesome things going on but those don't make the news and because of technology, we see and hear about everything bad anywhere, especially if there is video. What helped me was listening to the audio version of "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" which is an old book (1948) written by Dale Carnegie. I have to listen to it every few years. https://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

Sending a virtual hug. You aren't alone my friend.

A couple of ideas--

-- Hang around SO30 and read about sex. Invite your husband to join you, and start by showing him your post. But continue to read here together, point out threads or comments to each other that you find interesting or that spark ideas.

-- "Fake it til you make it" is a real thing. Even if you don't feel sexy at first, go ahead and act like you do. I would bet money (and I don't have any) that your husband's reaction will quickly make you feel really sexy.

And a couple of books that are very popular around here:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel

Check out ‘Mating in Captivity’ by Esther Perel

https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338

> “Fordi jeg tror, at hvis man ikke har et fast forankret indtryk af alting, så er det nemmere at forstå andre mennesker. Jeg tror, ideologi hæmmer empati.”

Der er en række rimelig essentielle problemer med den tankegang.

For det første er empati en målløs, irrationel og ofte usympatisk tilgang til medmenneskelighed. Den fordrer dem nemme, biased og intuitive/primale tilgang til at hjælpe andre. Jeg kan anbefale Blooms bog om emnet. Et politisk systems mål skal IKKE være at være empatisk, men være negativ utilitaristisk: Pragmatisk reducere lidelse og sørge for bedst mulige vilkår for det kollektive.

For det andet lever han i en eller anden illusion om, at hvis man tilskriver sig en ideologi er man fuldstændig låst i et ubrydeligt tankemønster. Sådan er det selvfølgelig ikke. Der er fandme ikke de fleste som er 100% enige i alt deres parti siger, og aldrig tør udtale sig anderledes eller efter bedste overbevisning. I sidste ende er ideologi en måde at systematisere holdninger. Lars ville sikkert også høre til mere i én kasse end i andre, hvis han rent faktisk gav udtryk for sine holdninger.

For det tredje er det der "os og dem"-forhold ikke noget du bekæmper ved ikke at tilskrive dig en ideologi. Der opstår et "os og dem" forhold det øjeblik nogen åbner munden og nogle andre er uenige. Uenighed er et grundvilkår i et samfund, og derfor er det struktureret til at belønne samarbejder på trods af uenighed. Jeg ved ikke hvad alternativet skulle være.

For det fjerde er hans argument for hvorfor han ikke stemmer hamrende idiotisk.

I think you would like this book.

I am 3/4 of the way through, and it has totally changed my view of the net positive of empathy (which is that it's NOT a net positive). And, as a side note, I've done research related to emotions in the workplace for about 10 years.

Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion

Hey, congratulations on the promotion! You're going to be fine. Every manager started as a newbie once. I've moved out of senior leadership and now coach people moving into management for a living. Here is some advice I can give, in line with the other suggestions. There are 3 things you have to tackle in this scenario:

1. The integration of the new staff. You need to meet with the new person one-on-one, understand their challenges and help guide them. Your expectations need to be clear, and you will need to follow up with them to continue guiding them until they are up to speed.
   
   
2. The vocal person who is making inappropriate comments about the new person. You need to take her aside, hear her concerns, reflect back to her what she just said (this is important so she knows you listened) and then express your concerns: that a) you function together as a team and b) that if she is not happy with a single person's behaviour, she should first talk to the new person about it, constructively, and if that doesn't work, then she should come to you personally. And that she shouldn't bring it up in front of the group because that is not a constructive way to handle this.
   
   
3. You need to go back to the team as a whole (after the two above conversations) because they witnessed something and they need to know how you are addressing it. You need to discuss what happened in more general terms (don't breach any confidentiality / trust) along the lines that you feel that feedback is very important to the team members and to yourself, but that as a team we have to respect each other in how that feedback is delivered, so that it is constructive and supports the team's working together and performing together. Set your expectations that if there is a problem between anyone they to talk to the person concerned first, and they can come to you if that doesn't work. Get the team to discuss how they will do this, and come together with a "pact" around the feedback process between each other. Tell the whole team that you don't expect negative comments about anyone in front of the group; each member of the team has different strengths and the team will be at its best if those strengths are leveraged. Focus on the strengths, not all the weaknesses, as a team come up with a way to give each other feed back, then hold them accountable to it. The strongest teams have good feedback mechanisms between team-members baked into how they work.
   
   A couple books to read:
   
   (1) Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most (Stone, Patton, Heen)
   
   (2) Mastering Leadership (Anderson, Adams)
   
   
   Here is an interesting TED talk - don't be perturbed by the title. He talks about key character habits of good managers / leaders, that can be learned and practiced.
   
   Hope that helps. Feel free to shoot any questions.
   
   

Sure. Uncle Jester is the master librarian 'round these parts. ;)

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Fix your outward body language first and foremost. read http://www.bodylanguagesuccess.com. Don't slouch, arms and shoulders out, hands at the side when you stand not in front of your crotch, clean and kept appearance. My guess is you probably suffer from some of this.

Be assertive (but not an asshole) when you speak. Don't follow sentences with "right??", or have 'uhms' in what you're saying. Be audible and clear when you speak.

You will have to difficult conversations in life if you want your life to go anywhere. Mark these words: The more difficult conversations you have the more successful and fulfilled your life will be.

(edit: here's a book I strongly recommend: Difficult Conversations http://www.amazon.com/dp/0143118447/)

>Tonight I plan on telling my fiancé in no uncertain terms that he is out of the party, period.

This is the wrong attitude to approach the conversation with. Your fiance has a completely different perspective on this issue and if you don't come from a place of attempting to understand her feelings around the matter, you're only going to piss her off, piss her family off, and get nowhere.

There's way too much to try and explain here, but if you've never read the book Difficult Conversations, I would HIGHLY recommend doing so before having this conversation. Hell, I'd recommend everyone read it.

I remember reading this one

I went to the NCSU stacks and grabbed an armful from the psychology section so my memory is fuzzy. The best one had a profile of two people's faces yelling at each other but I can't remember the title.

Other good reads that will roundabout teach the same mechanics:

A classic

A more fun read, but less relevant.

With more entrenched ideas like politics it may be useful to look into books on the mechanics of brainwashing. If you learn how to build a bomb, you learn a lot about diffusing them. You also may learn we're all mildly brainwashed in some innocuous way or another.

And if you're not much of a reader, Chris Voss puts most of these ideas pretty eloquently.

Edit: The ones that look more like textbooks than self help tend to be more useful with the exception of Dale Carnegie.

Second this, that kind of behavior, depending on context, can be "enabling", by picking up others slack, you are giving them permission to continue slacking off.

[Might I recommend a resource?](
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-d-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0310351804)

Setting boundaries isn't just necessary with/for others, it's also necessary to set boundaries with yourself.

An example: At work, if someone isn't doing their job, yours (job) isn't to do theirs. They are not going to become more competent, or less lazy, if they have you too do it for them. Why would they? If that bothers you, think of it this way, you are helping them (and your company) more by letting them fail, and getting properly disciplined. Either they will get the message, or your company will find an employee who can do the job.

Oh my LAWD! There's a workbook too!

Book -- Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310210844/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_JTa2AbTTRQ051

Workbook -- By Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Safe People Workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0080TBWW8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_lVa2AbGCT147M

There's also a book on Boundaries!! 🙌🙌
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_WVa2Ab3BR2QXC

If you are unsure about boundaries I would totally recommend the Boundaries book. I am reading the Boundaries in Marriage and find it to be so so helpful!! I grew up in a home that basically didn’t have boundaries so the book it a really good education on what you need to do for yourself in a relationship and basically teaching what boundaries are, and why you need them.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=boundaries&qid=1563234439&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Or the one for dating

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dating-Healthy-Choices-Relationships/dp/0310200342/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?keywords=boundaries&qid=1563234482&s=gateway&sr=8-5

There's actually a book called "Boundaries," a friend recommended it and it helped me a ton! I don't know that I'll ever have "normal/healthy" boundaries, or if that's even possible for any of us, but the book helped me tremendously! Here is is if you want to check it out.

Sounds like you can all use some family counseling. If you can find a marriage and family therapist, go talk to them about your situation, and invite your parents to come along. Sometimes asking someone to join you in counseling is more effective than telling them they need to go to therapy. There's probably more underlying issues that need to be resolved with your folks, and their problems are not your fault.

​

More immediately for your own well being I suggest you start setting some boundaries with them. You playing mediator with them is a classic triangulation and prevents them from having to deal with their own issues. It is not your job to play go between and is not fair to you. A simple: "I love you, and it is not my place to serve as a go-between" or "I love you and I really think you should talk to Mom/Dad about that" can be very effective in letting them know you do not want be used anymore. I HIGHLY recommend "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend if you need some help in setting healthy boundaries. They are Christians and psychologists and do a great job explaining practical and spiritual ways to improve boundaries. I have training in family therapy and that book taught me a lot.

​

\> I desperately want to move out but I'm working full time and going to school online full time for my bachelor's and they don't want me to move out until I have my degree.

​

Question: what's preventing you from moving out? I understand the stress of fulltime work and fulltime school. Been there done that, twice. If you are fiscally able to move out, you are an adult and can go establish your own household. It's not really a matter of what your parents want or don't want; it's a matter of what's best for you. If remaining under their roof is damaging to your mental health, go get an apartment somewhere. It can be good to get out on your own and spread your wings!

​

​

The MM is still around, the most recent official products by Mystery himself are Venusian Arts Revelation and The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed. They are both pretty straightforward explanations of the MM and worth reading. Revelation is the most recent (2010 I think) so it's updated with more modern ideas incorporated into the primary model.

Most other products evolved from MM. For example, Magic Bullets followed closely behind MM, former MM instructors like Sinn wrote major parts of it, and it uses the same basic model, with some specific enhancements.

No, but if it is I'll definitely look into it. I feel texting is not as difficult because I have a good period of time to determine what to say, which is like a double edged sword though because if you don't convey that same personality in person, women will catch on to you easily. The book that literally changed my entire thought process on women was this

possibly part of your problem is that you believe that if this doesn't work out, there will never be another girl again. Thats a pretty common fear in first relationships (esp first relationships at age 23). Thus, desperation. Desperation is poison. Even if you feel desperate, for heavens sake, do your best to fake it like you aren't. There will be other girls (assuming you learn to stop being a doormat), let her go.

Also, I am not for a second suggesting that you become a pickup artist, but your approach seems so dramatically the opposite (aka, write their papers, kiss their ass endlessly, take them back no matter how many times they dump you and cheat on you) that it would do you good to at least learn that there is a different "way to be" with women. Go buy yourself a copy of Mystery Method and read it. It's actually a good, short, readable book. Please don't actually try to do all the "tricks" it says (fuzzy hats? negs? cheesy canned lines? dear god) but read instead for the meta-lesson of how attraction works for women, and how it's quite counterintuitive to what you might assume. Its a lesson you really need. Reddit hates all things pickup so the downvotes are incoming for suggesting this, but I just think you need exposure to different ideas than the ones inside your head, and this is a good place to start.

muda de trabalho

a progressão é assim tão importante para fazer tanta diferença aquilo que disseste?

https://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

Counseling is the right answer. As you put it in your title, emotional infidelity is still infidelity, and often times an emotional affair can be even more devastating to a relationship than a physical affair. Even if there was no sexual attraction or physical infidelity involved here, your husband still felt the need to confide in another woman, which of course means that there is some kind of block or problem in your relationship that's keeping him from sharing those feelings with you. Even if he's sorry right now, and is cutting off contact with this woman, ignoring those underlying problems is just going to lead to this happening again.

If his apology was heartfelt, he should be willing to admit that there is a problem here, and attend counseling with you. If he won't, go by yourself.

I would also recommend, for both of you, the book "Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley Glass. It deals with emotional affairs in depth, and is aimed at both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse.

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KoM0Bb4C3JQB8

Yes, this was cheating.

Many of us here have had this happen,. It happened to me. My ex-husband turned a "friendship" into more. It shattered my heart into a million pieces because the lying bothered me more than the affair (which later turned physical). We'd been together 15 years, so I thought it was a one off. Then I found out about more as we proceeded to divorce.

If you want to save it (or even just understand more), then I highly suggest a book called "Not Just Friends". My therapist suggested it, and it ultimately helped me decide that divorce was the right answer in my situation.

Also, don't believe a word of her remorse. Pay attention to her actions.

That and https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_a2wRDbZZJXDEK

are the two key books that were very helpful. The book by Glass goes a little overboard with the stories (trying to be personable and not dry), but I just skim read those. But it does get into the key issues.

Then you cannot see it. Here are some of the resources:

Books:

'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass

'How To Help Your Spouse Recover =From Your Affair'. By Linda McDonald.

Web sites/videos:

Affair Recovery Free Resources.

AffairRecovery.

Good luck OP and keep us updated!

I've been in a similar place. Two years ago. And if you're feeling anything like I did, there's probably not a whole lot I can say to make you feel better. Time. Time was the only thing able to make it better for me. When I was 6 months out of the relationship and still felt sad and hurt, I realized it was time to see a counselor. She helped me see things from a different point of view.

Also, a book -- It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken -- is targeted for chicks but it's got some really, really sound and important advice.

I hope you feel better.

I'm not saying Danielle isn't the most eye-catching thing about this photo (she totally, totally is; she's a super babe), but I know I wasn't the only one curious about what book she's reading.

I just realised I shouldn't have put best of both worlds (seeing as shemale porn doesn't do it for me).

If you find this interesting, can I suggest the book Sperm Wars?. The title may be off-putting, but it's the exact reason men get turned on by penises.

The recommendations from other Red Pillers are pretty good so far, let me add some things that are a little bit different.

Sperm Wars

The Mating Mind

Dangerous Passion or just about anything from David M. Buss.

What has just happened has been covered in Sperm Wars.

http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489

You now serve as a warning to others, always wrap up and have some Tabasco sauce to pour into the used condom. If hear a scream you know she was planning to fuck you over.

Start saving money and play the next steps with caution. Shit is about to get messy, I don't envy you. Once sperm enters her hole, it's her sperm. If you want to be part of the babies life then see if her family will help you get back with a job or something. Only my opinion, and I don't know all the details so ultimately you're the grown up now.

> then they must also believe that men want bitches since according to TRP, apparently men end up in relationships with bitches all the time.

If it's this kind of bitch, then you may be right.

Works for me!

Exactly. I'm a little surprised by the backlash I'm getting in this thread. I thought I was justified in walking away from the date, but I took her out and gave it my best effort.

She was angst-y, and told me how she hated high school and college and how everyone sucked where she was from. Coming out the gate with a negative attitude is a red flag for me. This tone did not come out in our pre-date text.

I should have also mentioned she admitted me to me she was reading this book: Why Men Love Bitches. I was a bit stunned when she admitted that.

Quite the literature I found in the recommended section.

"why men love bitches"

I believe that educating yourself about shame is the best thing you can do for yourself and ultimately others. Read (or listen to) "Daring Greatly" and "Neurosis And Human Growth". These books have lead to discovery which has lead to understanding which has lead to peace, for me. 100% chance they will help you too. :)

---

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=daring+greatly&qid=1567279095&s=gateway&sr=8-3

---

https://www.amazon.com/Neurosis-Human-Growth-Struggle-Self-Realization/dp/0393307751/ref=sr_1_1?crid=EQAV5UKFJ9YP&keywords=neurosis+and+human+growth+karen+horney&qid=1567279160&s=gateway&sprefix=neurosis+%2Caps%2C197&sr=8-1

A few professors at my college (a very small one) take the time to listen to my fears when I've talked to them one-on-one. I have very supportive friends who give me fantastic life advice and don't shame me for being confused about my own life and being a pretty "out there" guy as guys come.

The best starting place is a book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. As a psychologist, she studied shame for years. The premise is this: we perceive being vulnerable as weak. When do we feel vulnerable? When speaking in front of large crowds. When making mistakes. When we say something against the popular opinion. When do we perceive OTHERS as brave? When they speak in front of large crowds. When they make mistakes then own up to them. When they speak against popular opinion.

So why do we perceive our own moments of weakness as moments of strength in others? Because we know how much it hurts to open up, to drop the facade, to show what a "disappointment" we really are compared to how people see us. When two people sit down and can remove that pretense and just trust each other with raw feelings, treating our weaknesses not as shame, but as guilt - not as who we are but things we have done - we really see our behavior in a new light.

Fair warning - this book makes people cry. I've had a friend read this book and just spend a whole chapter sobbing. There are times when it feels like Brown is personally attacking you and tearing down the walls you've set up to protect yourself. And I can say it's really helped me. It's not magical by any means, but I've become brave enough to sing while walking down the sidewalk, and open up to my friends about my problems and social fears. Moving from shame (being bad, permanently) to guilt (having done bad, with changed ideas for tomorrow) has helped me kick a couple self-destructive habits.

I'd say it's worth the $10 to buy. It's a heavy read (not long, just painfully truthful), so it takes a while. But maybe we can move beyond "I have no friends and am fundamentally broken" to "I feel pain for what I've done, know that's not who I am, and I'm ready to try again."

Brene Brown is awesome. If you haven't read any of her books, pick up Daring Greatly. Warning: When you see the LDS church in the stuff she writes about dysfunctional organizations, you might be tempted to throw the book across the room. Try to hold back, though, because seriously considering her research-informed thoughts on shame and vulnerability will make you a better spouse, parent, leader, and overall person.

I thought you were my SO when I read your post!

I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.

From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &%#%#&*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ）╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)

But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.

What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____ when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).

Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.

I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.

Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

I'm in the middle of Homo Deus currently. Its great so far, Yuval is a great writer and his books are a lot more accessible than traditional history books. I'm sure there are a lot of liberties taken with some of the history but I think Sapiens is a must-read. Homo Deus is more assumption based on current reality but its very interesting so far.

Gulag Archipelago is one I read based on the recommendation of Jordan Peterson. Awesome book if you are into WW1-WW2 era eastern europe. being an eastern european myself, i devour everything related to it so this book tickled my fancy quite a bit. good look into the pitfalls of what peterson warns against.

Black Earth: The Holocaust as History and Warning is another history book discussing that time period and how it all transpired and the lesser known reasons why WW2 went down the way it did. some surprising stuff in that book related to hitler modeling europe around how the united states was designed at the time.

apologies for inundating with the same topic for all my books so far but Ordinary Men is an amazing book chronicling the people that carried out most of the killings during WW2 in Poland, Germany and surrounding areas. The crux of the argument which I have read in many other books is that Auschwitz is a neat little box everyone can picture in their head and assign blame to when in reality most people killed during that time were taken to the outskirts of their town and shot in plain sight by fellow townspeople, mostly retired police officers and soldiers no longer able for active duty.

for some lighter reading i really enjoy jon ronson's books and i've read all of them. standouts are So You've Been Publicly Shamed and The Psychopath Test. Highly recommend Them as well which has an early Alex Jones cameo in it.

Nesses casos, sempre recomendo um livro.

> Some pretty nasty things have been said to fans who had honest critisims or gripes and some very crass generalisations have been made that are just completely unwarrented…

It would help to have concrete examples of the nasty talk you're talking about.

To be sure, there are some creators who have said some jaw-dropping things (I can think of one of my longtime favorite creators who said some ugly stuff that made my heart sink).

But sometimes, something else is happening…

Sometimes, complaints levied against creators being nasty happen in response to equally, if not nastier abuse (up to and including death threats) coming from "fans." And this is a double-standard that belies a lack of maturity and self-awareness on the fans' part. Look on any message board, comment thread, or right here on reddit and you will see merciless criticisms of comic creators.

Some of us have a bad habit of mistaking our own subjective preferences as the definitive arbitor of "good" vs "bad." Even worse is when our commentary goes beyond discussing the work and ventures into the realm of personal attacks. Creators are just people doing a job they are hired to do. Yet they are a magnet for high levels of venom. Jon Ronson's book, So You've Been Publicly Shamed is relevant here.

This is not to say we can't say anything negative. It's perfectly acceptable to voice one's personal art and storytelling preferences, be they positive or negative. It's even better when negative critiques can objectively and/or constructively call attention to craft [here is a great example of what that can look like].

TLDR: Sometimes certain creators can be nasty; but before we judge, we should first check our own level of nastiness.

https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017

There's a book on how those 20 seconds on your social media platform of choice could ruin your life.

Sounds like you're being pretty hard on yourself. Here's a few thoughts from someone who was also pretty hard on himself:

1. Stay away from Red Pill / MRA / PUA, they prey on vulnerable guys. There is no value there.
   
2. Work on yourself, and I don't mean go to the gym. I mean stop beating yourself up. If you can afford it, a therapist is very helpful. Here are a few ideas of things you can do yourself:
   
   1. https://www.amazon.com/Men-Women-Worthiness-Experience-Enough/dp/B00D4APD3M
      
   2. https://www.amazon.com/Will-Change-Men-Masculinity-Love/dp/0743456084
      
   3. https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X
      
   4. https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520
      
3. Hang out with friends, it's OK to not be in a relationship, even for a long time. Putting extra pressure on yourself isn't helpful.
   
4. Consider reading this: https://johntreed.com/products/succeeding. I've found it's a pretty good field guide to life. If nothing else it's an interesting deep dive on how someone else managed their dating experience.
   
   You'll be amazed at how hard women find it to find a great guy. You can be that great guy.

Another great read is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. It sounds ridiculous until you try it, but it works wonders.

Just get the book. Nonviolent communication. If you like that one, start from there.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_TLbJxbZ26R038

There are some PDFs floating around too.

I suggest then that you two read the two following books

https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/

Suggested by MS CEO, Satya Nadella. I read them, and they solidified a lot of things that were helpful in dealing with issues like this.

I'm intrigued by the book. Here's one for you.

Thanks

I sense that your main objective when coming across these situations is to resolve conflict, in other words offering closure. Am I interpreting that right? This can be helpful in cases where people seem to be stuck in a rut. And I see where you are coming from with regards to offering insight, as it can be disheartening to see that people are not taking in your requests or the information you provide, despite your honest and good-willed intentions.

However, in my opinion, here lies the difficult part - recognising people's feelings and needs, and connecting the two together. For example, a person could state "You never listen to me". A simple response would be to dismiss it and say "Yes I do!" which would then be followed by "No, you don't!"

Now, by using this technique, you could instead offer understanding by replying to the first statement: "So you feel upset/frustrated (feeling) because you want to be heard and understood when we talk (need)?"

Yes, this requires guesswork, yet listening is a skill, meaning it takes practice to make it work. It might even take multiple attempts before you reach mutual understanding. In that case you could ask "I'm confused as to what you mean. Could you tell me what you're feeling and what needs aren't being fulfilled?" After identifying feelings and needs, a connection is formed between you and the other speaker, which can then give you the comfort to offer requests without a negative reaction.

There's so much more I could say about this line of communication. I would encourage you to read the book 'Non-violent communication' by Marshall Rosenberg, if you are curious about resolving conflict in a cooperative yet honest manner, while passing on the closure you want to offer to others.

EDIT rephrasing

Nonviolent Communication. It sounds a lot like physically beating people up but I was angsy af when I was younger and this helped me find empathy, get to the root of conflicts and find mutually beneficial solutions.

Maybe the crying stems from being overwhelmed by your emotions and thus a bit too carried away.
I use several techniques to help me not get "up there" too much. Focusing on my breathing can be one of them, paying attention to my posture is another, directing my attention to body parts (especially the feet) and bodily sensations... I use several, but the general purpose is to re-ground myself.

Another explanation could be that you are unable to express your feelings in a way that would be satisfying to you (or maybe even that you are judging yourself for your feelings).
You could look into NonViolent Communication (this is a nice introduction), I found it to be a great tool to learn self-compassion and expression.

Good luck out there, I bet you are a beautiful person.

To add to this, there's a wonderful book about attachment:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine et al.

ISBN-10: 1585429139

ISBN-13: 978-1585429134

Paperback

Kindle

read this book:

Attached

This book really helped me understand myself. I mean there's more to the topic but this is a great place to start. Youtube the book, people are constantly talking about it.

Neediness comes from "insecurity", a psychology technical term from attachment theory. I'm confident this book will help you. It's a classic in the field, easy to get at a library or on Amazon.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

by Levine and Heller

​

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1543506185&sr=8-3&keywords=attached+the+new+science+of+adult+attachment

​

​

tbh he may just have something going on these past two days, but he also may have gotten back together with the ex-gf. My advice: do nothing. You're right that you shouldn't ask. Just play it cool, and live your life the way you normally would. This book really helped me when I was in a similar situation. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560. Title's problematic, but the idea is that guys are attracted to independent women who do their own thing and aren't hanging on someone else's every word. If he still has interest in you, then seeing that his lessened correspondence doesn't bother you will catch his attention. If it doesn't catch his attention, then congrats! You're focusing on things in your life that are productive and positive!

I have a few that I think might be good possibilities for discussion:
Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl

30 Days to a Great Attitude: Strategies for a Better Outlook on Life

My Wife Is A Bitch (THE GUN AND THE BULLET)

Why Men Divorce Bitches - How to Know When It's Time to End Your Marriage

Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work

Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love

Big and Black and Not My Husband's

Men totally do that, keep women around as options or just to feed the ego. Make sure that you don't fall for it.

Enjoyed your anecdote, OP. Book suggestion below.

Recommended Read

• Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks!
I got this on a whim upon seeing the 5 star reviews, and I though, why not? It ended being an invaluable resource when I experienced a setback. It's a very casual, common sense, and at times humorous, approach to tackling anxiety. Read this, if nothing at all. The author also has an app with audio supplements as well as a weekly email with helpful tips you can subscribe to.

• The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
This has tons of researched, science, and evidence-based information thats incredibly helpful. Definitely take the time to do the worksheets and practice. No matter how tedious, you can never do too much. Not to mention the fact that you can access to their online audio recordings once you register the book online. The audio files contain meditation, calming, and visualization techniques. The guided progressive muscle relaxation was a life saver before hitting the sack and waking up as calmly as possible. Tip: if you do fall asleep well after trying that, also try saying, "today is going to be a good day" the moment you wake up. It will drastically change how you approach your whole day, and helps with the onset of panic attacks.

• Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
Although this isn't geared towards anxiety, I found so many useful tools for approaching vulnerability and finding the bravery you need to go through the scary, dark parts of recovery. Very uplifting and enlightening.

• Notes on a Nervous Planet
I will simply quote a reviewer:
"As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, Matt's writings help in letting me know that I'm okay. This book is exactly what I needed to read. We are living in a time that is hard to understand and sometimes letting go is necessary, but not to the point of recklessness. Matt seems to always find the right way to pinpoint the struggles of many and he has the ability to make us feel as if we are wrapped safe in a warm blanket."

That's great news, all of it! The fact that she owned up and apologised says very good things about her character, and hey, even if it doesn't work out there's clearly plenty of other fish.

Somewhat out of the blue, but you mention that you both did things you regretted... I recently read a book called Daring Greatly and it was a massive help to me to understand some of my behaviours and what to do about them. It's about vulnerability and shame. It sounds a bit hippy self-helpy, but the author is an academic researcher and it's solid stuff. I plug it to everyone I meet because I think it's really helpful.

I wonder if this book by Brene Brown would be helpful for you. Her ted talks are also really great, and an easy place to start :)

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown isn’t about depression specifically but about underlying emotions like vulnerability, shame, and grief, and how these emotions can be turned to inspire love and joy. Depression or not, highly recommend to anyone and everyone.

While not specifically about social anxiety, "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" and "Daring Greatly" (Brené Brown) both have been helping me untangle a lot of my issues over the last few weeks.

If her TED talks speak to you ("The Power of Vulnerability" and "Listening to Shame"; don't be put off by the titles), give the books a try.

I'll just leave this here...
https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017

Or read this book which features her story

Here are my own personal rankings, from what I liked the most to what I liked the least:

1. "San Junipero" - I've seen some criticism on this sub about this episode's tonal dissonance, but that's actually what I admire so much about this episode: the fact that it dares to be a bit lighter. I do think the ending is not uniformly positive though, there is still something unsettling to it, which I like. I'm quite taken with the episodes (as you can probably tell) that focus on more intimate personal relationships and technology's role in mediating/disrupting those relationships--"San Junipero" is an excellent example of that. Also yes, I'll admit it, being gay myself, it was nice to see a same-sex couple happen.
   
   
2. "White Bear" - Just as "San Junipero" goes toward the lighter end of the spectrum, I also love "White Bear" because of its push in the other direction toward the extraordinarily grim. I remember the first time I saw this episode, it really left me rattled for a couple of days after. Thematically, I really liked its take on the relentlessness of the public's need/desire to punish (it really reminded me of So You've Been Publicly Shamed, honestly).
   
   
3. "Be Right Back" - I actually didn't like this one the first time I saw it, but seeing it three or so more times since, I've fallen in love with it! Every time I go back, I notice something different, and as the relationship between Mar and the programmed-Ash unravels, I always feel my heart breaking a little bit. "You're not enough of him! You're nothing!"
   
   
4. "Nosedive" - I think that this will probably be the prototypical Black Mirror episode for me in my mind. It's funny and strange and tragic and bittersweet in its end all at once. The concept for this episode also hit quite close to home.
   
   
5. "Shut Up and Dance" - Like "White Bear," I really admire this episode's willingness to be relentlessly dark, and explore similar themes. But, in particular, I find the end to be particularly powerful in its rejection of any sort of control or easy answer--the characters can do everything "right" (relative to their instructions) and still effectively fail.
   
   
6. "Fifteen Million Merits" - This was the episode that made me really really get into the show. Although the satire and concept can feel a bit too on-the-nose, I loved the dynamic between Bing and Abi, and the end of the episode felt so sad to me and raised so many interesting questions! Also, it introduced us to "Anyone Who Knows What Love Is (Will Understand)," which is a gorgeous song!
   
   
7. "White Christmas" - This is middle-of-the-road for me because I'm absolutely in love with the second story in the episode, with Matt "programming" the cookie, but was a bit more lukewarm on the stories that bookended the episode. The ending was definitely haunting, though!
   
   
8. "The National Anthem" - I must admit this one also didn't speak to me, immediately. However, seeing it again, I really do appreciate its own grimness. I think, perhaps, it's a bit lower on the list for me because of how public a figure Callows was--although I suppose that is absolutely the point, it's just not my biggest interest with the show.
   
   
9. "The Entire History of You" - For the first time the grain/Z-eyes analogue appears, this is a great introduction. The obsessiveness Liam is consumed by is super palpable. However, the central conflict still felt a bit too common for this episode to be TOTALLY distinctive.
   
   
10. "Men Against Fire" - I really enjoyed this episode, however, I did feel that the ending was a bit sudden and almost a bit too...familiar? It felt like I knew exactly where it was going. That said, the concept was really quite powerful.
    
    
11. "Hated in the Nation" - I liked this one, but it just wasn't as resonant for me. I felt that the show tackled similar themes in much more effective, haunting ways with "White Bear" and "Shut Up and Dance."
    
    
12. "The Waldo Moment" - Although, as /u/Anniejo9 points out, this episode is insanely relevant now politically, it just really dragged for me. Still enjoyable though.
    
    
13. "Playtest" - This is probably the only episode of Black Mirror that I genuinely just did not like. I did find the very end resonant, but I really felt bored by the rest of the episode. I can't explain why. I know many others did get a lot out of it, though.

https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017

Read this book it's a great read which talks about internet vigilantism.

The guy is a fucking muppet and should be dealt with by the police and not the internet vigilantes that are calling for blood.

you don't need data, because any example of people losing their careers over feigned hysteria is far too much. don't know how it makes my view 'warped' if a person is fired over things posted to twitter or whatever, as if those very bare facts are somehow largely editorialized or something.

but hey, if you really care there's at least one book on the subject:
https://www.amazon.com/So-Youve-Been-Publicly-Shamed/dp/1594634017/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1491141481&sr=1-1&keywords=so+you%27ve+been+publicly+shamed

I don't know of a website off hand, but whenever I trained to work in psych, we had to learn about "nonviolent communication". Here is a book that looks like it'd be a good tool: https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_U1qkDbNXYW8YB

Just look up that terminology, there might be some CEUs too.

There are a few books that are considered standard reading for poly people

• The Ethical Slut by Easton & Hardy
  
• Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
  
• More Than One by Veaux, et al
  
  For me I would also urge anyone who cares about relationships of any configuration to read Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg.
  
  Edit: Formatting.

Nonviolent Communication is all about making requests after observing, identifying your feelings, then determining your need.

https://smile.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=nonviolent+communication&qid=1566143905&s=gateway&sprefix=nonv&sr=8-3

I can recommend Allies in Change, they have a couple of locations and offer a few different approaches to counseling (group, couple, individual). Not sure about cash pay pricing, but it might be worth giving them a call to see if you think they have something that would be a good fit for you.
I also can't recommend the book Nonviolent Communication highly enough. It should be required reading for humans.

I have not found one specific book that caused a huge improvement in my social skills, rather small bits from lots of different types of books have slowly helped me improve over the years:

• The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Temple Grandin and Sean Barron
  
• Difficult Conversations -Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
  
• The Green Zone - Joel Shaun - I've had people laugh at me about this one, it is a resource for children but it helped me to visualise some of my own social problems better. It absolutely may not be helpful for other people.
  
• Essential Listening Skills for Busy School Staff - Might seem very specific, but it's a short book (97 pages) and I found it quite useful because it really offers simple advice for handling what can be quite emotionally charged but brief conversations. The advice is not just limited to school staff.
  
• Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life - Marshall Rosenberg
  
• Asperger Syndrome and Social Relationships - Genevieve Edmonds and Luke Beardon
  
• Been There, Done That, Try This! - Tony Attwood and Various

So, this is a complex topic. You can certainly ask her to change her phrasing, and if she did that consistently, then the problem wouldn't surface anymore. But the problem isn't the way she phrases things, it's your reaction to your own interpretation of her phrasing that hurts you.

You can imagine someone else in the world who wouldn't mind her phrasing, or would even like it--for example, they might interpret it as active listening, like she's really involved in trying to understand what you're saying, and that feels good.

But even if you do interpret her phrasing the way you do, you also can choose your own reaction to it. Let's say you interpret it as disrespect. You can get angry or frustrated about being disrespected, but a different person might not be bothered in the slightest about being disrespected.

Professional counseling can help you with either of those intervention points, and with others as well.

But sure, it's perfectly possible and reasonable to ask your partner to help you by making a change--but notice how I said that. It's not about you controlling you them so they stop being bad. It's about you making a request of them to help you have an easier time even though it's not their fault or responsibility.

If you are interested in ideas like that, I VERY HIGHLY recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1459293673&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+communication

Good luck!

Despite being complete opposite styles, anxious-preoccupied/avoidant-dismissive is actually one of the most common pairings when it comes to insecure attachment. You'll find that much of the literature speaks about these relationships discouragingly (anxious-preoccupied individuals are often advised to steer clear of avoidant individuals), but please don't let that get to you- it is certainly possible to move towards a functional relationship so long as both partners are interested in making an effort.

Most everything I've read on the topic is an academic book/article and would be difficult to understand, but I scoured the internet for anything that looked promising and found a few articles I find to be both accurate and suited to real-world application.

I love this short piece on understanding avoidant-dismissive attachment style, especially the suggestions for how to work towards becoming less avoidant in relationships.

This does a pretty good job of explaining anxious-preoccupied attachment (sometimes referred to as anxious-ambivalent attachment).

This article on making the anxious/avoidant relationship work has some good stuff if you also follow the links to the pages about communication and healthy relationships cited at the end of the article.

Although I have not read it myself, Attached comes highly recommended and I recognize one of the authors (Levine) as a researcher in the field.

Let me say that if your goal here is to address potential relationship issues with your girlfriend, I really suggest that you both read up on each other's attachment style- understanding each other's needs is just as important as understanding your own.

Please feel free to message me if you have further questions after reading. I'm by no means a substitute for speaking with a professional, but I do have other suggestions/helpful resources at my dispense depending on the nature of any specific problems you may be looking to address. Best of luck!

There's a book about attachment disorders that's pretty good.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-Find-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU

Your situation it's more common than you think, good thing is that you have identified the problem. I read a book called Attached and I can't recommend it enough, there's a chapter where it talks about effective communication plus some advises. It will help you in your future relationships and maybe to understand why it didn't work with your ex. Remember it takes two to make a relationship work.

These books

Parenting from the inside out https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HZ1E5BM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

as well as:

Attached https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1_ha?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1496770776&sr=1-1&keywords=attached

were both recommended books by my T.

The latter is more focused on you yourself where as the first one is focused on how you can understand your own attachment as well as how to parent with a more secure attachment

If you haven't already, you should check out adult attachment theory. It sounds like you might have had experiences which lead you toward an avoidant attachment style. I'm one myself, and the good news is that such styles are malleable.

There's a great short read on the subject called Attached that helped a lot, but there's a ton of great websites on that as well.

it's this one: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU . who knows if this is the answer, but about 25% of the population have an anxious attachment style while about 25% are avoidant, so the chances of this being the case aren't that low though.

EDIT: good for him that he has a bro who cares, my BFF has gone through me through all the shit in my life, I love him more than a brother.

This book helped me a TON on understanding them. I finally understood the dynamics of my marriage and why things changed.

Here is a Wikipedia article on it, and here is a test you can take to see which type you fall under.

This article is also helpful.

I haven't read this one, but I hear it is good: https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

https://iamally.tumblr.com/ -- look particularly at gaslighting and see how it vibes. Also, beware of paltering - my husband's favorite form of lying... (truly his only form which is why I was so trusting of him - he never lied - or so I thought, but he's a master at paltering)

It might just be hormone related. There's no real reason other than you're an animal like the rest of us. Hang in there. You are certainly not alone. Try and get out of your head and think about solving other people's problems.

Carnegie has a pretty good book about work stress for your hubby: http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

> If I randomly made friends with some guy, and never talked much about him... he would be PISSED. Like, he would think I was cheating - especially if I asked him to leave the room and stuff. So that's why I think I'm being 100% rational. He wouldn't deal with this, so why should I? I feel like he doesn't hold me to the same standards he holds himself.

You hit the nail on the head. Furthermore, check out a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The chances that your husband is cheating on you emotionally are high.

The real question is what are you going to do about it? If I were you, mandatory counseling and if he says no, filing for divorce. This is a serious matter that will continue to cause you pain and frustration until he gets his head out of his ass. He may never get his head out of his ass and treat you the way you deserve to be treated! The only person whose actions you can control is your own. If he won't talk, won't work on your marriage, won't get counseling, won't stop having inappropriate messages with other women late at night, then you have to decide what you're willing to put up with for the rest of your life and walk if what this man has to offer isn't it.

For some people, especially imaginative types, crushes are kind of normal. What isn't normal or OK is acting on them from inside a committed relationship.

Your husband appears to be deliberately toying with an emotional affair, but it's probably part of his self-justification strategy to deny, even to himself, exactly what it is. If he's not completely delusional, though, there's no way he doesn't know he's skating close to (if not across) a line.

If you want to work this out, it might not be helpful to accuse him of cheating (even though he basically is), because it's probably still really important to him not to believe that about himself. He still needs to come to grips with why he's doing what he's doing rather than investing in his marriage. This is a good book, by the way.

Good luck to you for a healthy outcome, and sorry you're married to a dumbass. Statistically, a fair number of us are just that.

He definitely has anger issues. Raising the voice, cutting you off. When he starts raising his voice you can choose to pause the discussion. Leave it as it is and change the topic or go to another room so you can cool down too. You can bring up active listening - hearing someone out before interrupting them. That means you must do the same but it sounds like you already are.

For you, just stop talking and disengage when he starts yelling and say clearly, "I'm not going to stand here while you're yelling at me." Yelling can be considered a form of abuse if it's frequent and used as a form of manipulation or overriding of your needs. In therapy it's sometimes called verbal violence. So don't put up with it. He can change or you can walk. You should be strong with that and protect yourself. If you feel exhausted all the time dealing with him, it's possible he really is an emotional manipulator and abuser.

With playing back the recordings, he doesn't like being shown he's wrong and he doesn't want to make the effort to change. So as soon as he raises his voice you can hold your hand up and say, "Pause! We're pausing this conversation until you can speak to me in a normal voice. Period."

It does sound like he is a gaslighter as someone else here mentioned. They will always say things like you're the only person who accuses him of anger, etc. They learn it from their parents when they're young and then use it to sharpen their knives on everyone around them. If I was your friend I would say to get away from this person. You don't even want to become used to that kind of behavior because it will lead you to more people like that.

You could move back in with your parents or ask for a couple months rent so you can get an apartment. Sharing an apartment with a friend means you can get more of an apartment - 2 bedroom vs a studio, etc. There are always options. If you feel like there are no options it's just because you are under stress and tired. "Zoom out" as they say and look at the bigger picture. If you had a friend in your situation right now how would you advise them?

Be strong for yourself! This relationship doesn't sound to me like it's what will be good for you in the long run but you have to make that decision yourself. Hang in there! Be true to yourself.

Edit: There's an interesting book called Games People Play I found out about in a class I took at Anger Management Classes. It's basically about revealing the little social interactions that play out over and over again without realizing what is going on sometimes and how they feed emotions of certain people. Some of the stories were just unhinged to me and I wondered if I would be able to spot them when I was near them in real life and actually, I feel this book kind of inoculated me against people who play certain games. There's also the Travis McGee novel The Deep Blue Good-By (1964) that really messed me up reading about how some men really are manipulative predators. Take care of yourself.

I found psychology books were the most helpful for me, in particular I like Nurture by Nature. As much as MBTI is a sham, this book doesn't really try to place everyone into a little box but tries to explore the differences between personality types as it relates to parenting, using the MBTI more like reference points and understandable words than prescriptive categories.

Another good book that is interesting, though I don't agree with a lot of it, is Games People Play. This is just an interesting look into the psychology behind social interactions, it's a bit too prescriptive for my liking but it's a good resource for broadening your thinking all the same. Not really a parenting book though, but it does still explore ideas that are useful to know for parent-child interactions and a view of how they change as a child matures. Honestly, the theory at the start was the most interesting part of the book for me rather than the actual 'games'.

Not to be rude or anything, but I've been a dog walker and trainer casually for a while and honestly, positive reinforcement dog training advice is surprisingly useful. Zak George in particular is great for teaching puppies and younger dogs, and a lot of the reasoning behind why the training works is applicable to babies and toddlers, especially due to the similarities because of a communication barrier. So if you want a tongue in cheek 'parenting' book I'm sure there's something available down that avenue as well.

> I never really have to think about a guy pretending to be my friend because he wants to have sex with me...

Guys don't pretend to be friends to sleep with girls. Guys are friends with girls but also want to be more than that. It's usually when the guy realises that the friendship consists of them giving whilst getting nothing in return that they decide to end it.

Also, the friend who said this to you isn't much of a friend. Eric Berne wrote a rather good book called Games People Play that although quite hard to digest explains the sort of behavior your "friend" is engaging in.

It's called "transactional analysis" where a "child" who the "adults" have treated as a child for a long time tries to be treated as an equal. It's one of the transitions that occurs as a person approaches adulthood, some more successfully than others. I like Games People Play by Eric Berne, but there are several others doing similar analysis. Don't push too hard, just open an adult dialogue and decline to interact as a child. It may take some time. In the meantime, you could always do a bunch of phone banking ;)

Games people play by Eric Berne. A fascinating read, very small book with a great way to explain why some people react the way they do. Also Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi . This book is a pain in the ass to read, but once I got through it for the first time, I keep it close, like a bible. http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Loving-Erich-Fromm/dp/0061129739
The Art of Loving, by Eric Fromm, again, amazing lay read book.
Hope you enjoy!

You definitely can.

I just realized it's been 7 years since I read that book. Haven't read that latest edition you're holding, but I remember the chapter "Embracing Conflict" (I think that's what it was called) being eye-opening to me.

If anyone out there is interested in ethical non-monogamy, or dope books about relationship skills generally, then read The Ethical Slut (and More Than Two by Rickert and Veaux, plus The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory by Winston)

One of two things is probably going to happen.

Scenario One: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "Really!? Me too!"

Scenario Two: You'll talk to her about it and she'll go "WTF!? Why don't you love me anymore!?"

The fact that an open relationship and sex with others has been brought up without the sky falling in is a good sign but partners can sometimes get into a situation where they smile and nod at something, hoping it's just a phase and you'll forget about it after a while.

Real talk; you need to accept the fact that it may turn out that what the two of you want and are comfortable with is different and ultimately incompatible. I'm not saying that's what will happen but it's a possibility you need to be prepared for so you're not blindsided.

Before you talk to her, you need to get a handle on how you feel and start learning some of the language to talk about poly and the associated emotions. Kimchi Cuddles is a pretty low intensity look at the poly world through a humorous angle and it's actually written by a person who is poly so the perspectives and language in it come from a place of knowledge. You can also save comics that address particular problems or have discussions in them that resonate particularly strongly for you.

Beyond that, there's Hardy and Easton's Ethical Slut which is (and should be) a standard issue "Welcome to poly!" book and Deborah Anapol's book Polyamory in the 21st Century.

Both texts aren't flawless, I have irks with both as do many others but for someone looking to get a toe-hold they're pretty good.

I'd recommend starting with Kimchi Cuddles, then moving on to Ethical Slut. Polyamory in the 21st Century is optional but more in-depth.

The important thing is to talk with your partner now. Make them aware that you're thinking about this kind of stuff so they don't get blindsided later on when you've been reading and thinking for a month with them completely unaware. Maybe look for more concrete responses to the idea of an open relationship.

Unless you get the second scenario, there's going to be some hurt. It's extremely difficult to avoid. You just have to keep stressing that this isn't because of a failure on her part and that you still love and care for her.

Probably one of the better books on the topic is around $30, Two Knotty Boys' Showing You the Ropes. If you want cheaper, The Little Guide to Getting Tied Up seems to have good review scores and is closer to your budget, though I can't vouch for it myself, not having read it. I haven't read Learning the Ropes either, but judging by the description, it doesn't appear to be a manual for rope bondage, but rather an overall guide to BDSM.

If that's what you're looking for, I can point you to a few recommendations. Probably the most celebrated book on general BDSM (at least among those I've spoken to) is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. Also, while it's more about polyamory than BDSM, The Ethical Slut is a highly acclaimed book about a sex-positive lifestyle.

I would caution, however: be careful with being pushy about BDSM and sex-positive stuff if you're not sure the person will be receptive. Yeah, I get that it's a "gag gift", but you want to be sure you're not insulting your cousin or making things awkward between you.

In any case, I hope whatever you go with works well for you!

Here’s a fantastic book to get any of you all started.


The Ethical Slut https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_adpVDb095EF66

Going to recommend a book for you:

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664

This is an excellent book that talks about jealousy, emotional health, relationships, self confidence, and so many other issues that arise in relationships in general. It's written specifically for people who are considering polyamory or who are curious about the subject. But honestly, I read it a couple years ago and it changed my life. And I'm not even poly! I recommend absolutely anyone who is old enough to have a serious relationship give this book a read.

That said, you absolutely shouldn't feel bad about having biological urges, and wanting what you want. We're all human. We all sometimes see a beautiful/handsome person that we can't help but think is attractive. It's a normal part of biology, and we typically try to hide it from each other to spare our partner's feelings.

If you're considering acting on those feelings, you'll need to talk about it with your partner. He has a right to know what your long-term intentions are, and while it may be scary to feel like you might lose someone you care about, you owe it to them to let them know who you are. He will probably have some questions and concerns, and definitely some limits. But if you have a healthy relationship, you should be able to at least have a heart to heart about the fact that you are increasingly finding yourself curious about women.

Again, I recommend you read the book I linked. It was a world-view changer for me. Once you feel comfortable, you should be honest with yourself and figure out if you think your boyfriend is a reasonable enough person to have this discussion with, and understand that he may feel a little threatened. Ease his mind. Let him know that you love him. And that these are just thoughts you wanted to share with him, and ask if he is comfortable exploring it further.

Whups, I thought I was on a different ENM subreddit anyways, sorry.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

The Polyamory Toolkit: A Guidebook for Polyamorous Relationships

Building Open Relationships: Your hands on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond!

Hello, queer here! Bisexual and poly (though bush dating is hard^IseewhatIdidthere^shiftyeyes).

I actually bought my husband Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns when we first became serious. Its a good beginner for those entering/thinking about the BDSM scene. I also had him read The Ethical Slut because he's was solidly monogamous and did not understand why anyone would be okay with sharing their partner. I'm happy to say both books helped us get on the same page before marriage!

YAAAAS QUEEN! I highly recommend these books.

Edit to add: The Story Of O (1975). It's porn, but it's hooooott. A young woman's boyfriend brings her to a secluded chateau for "training" wink wink

I can completely understand your position, I had a long relationship with someone very vanilla and with the years it got boring. In your case it can be worse if you never have enjoyed sex with him.

​

You have two options:

1- Stay with him, but open your relationship. There are many models of open relationships that may solve your frustration and enjoy the best of him.

​

2- Leave him and keep him as a friend. Maybe you two aren't meant to be partners but big friends. I am now a business partner with my ex girlfriend and it works pretty well.

​

In any case, I urge you to solve this issue before moving together. It will be a lot more difficult later.

​

By the way, my actual partner and I are talking about opening our relationship too, if you want to read about it, I'm reading this book now: The ethical slut

You're absolutely right. I fight all the time with parents on "stranger danger". Even after citing statistics they can't wrap their head around how most child sexual abuse is usually someone the victim knows.

From wikipedia, "most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims". Strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases.

Offenders are more likely to be relatives or acquaintances of their victim than strangers. A 2006–2007 Idaho study of 430 cases found that 82% of juvenile sex offenders were known to the victims (acquaintances 46% or relatives 36%).

For parents who wish to learn what they can do to keep their child safe, I strongly recommend reading Gavin de Becker's book, Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane).

I think only you know grandma well enough to answer that. If you think she'd be receptive then I would, but if you don't think she'd be receptive then I think you need to be monitoring what goes on at grandma's house too. I would try not to be obvious about it-- at 12 your daughter won't want people checking up on her, and that will just make her want to break free and rebel.

I don't think I would ever put an ultimatum or anything on my daughter not seeing her brother, I would just spend the time working really hard with her on things like-- "trust your gut," "what are situations that are red flags?" "how do you know when you're in over your head?" "how to ask for help and not be embarrassed..." etc... so that it's not specifically about anyone in particular, but they are good life lessons. Always keeping that communication open.

I would also check out "The gift of Fear" (which I recommend to patients all the time). I haven't read the one aimed at kids, but I hear it's good too -- http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

No, not stereotype, fact. The vast majority of people that harm kids are men.

Source:

I mentioned elsewhere in this thread, but will post here again:

Gavin de Becker's Protecting the Gift.

What is a "good school" to you?

For my kids, academics are... well, academic. ;-) He will learn more at home than at school; it's a given just because of who his parents are. He learns interesting and useful things, gets practice in important skills, and helps ensure our local school doesn't lose money due to low test scores. Good enough for me.

What else is "good" about our school? It's a community anchor. Local businesses contribute and participate. There are two afterschool enrichment programs, one of which is need-based, the other which offers scholarships, but is paid (both are run by non-profits). He can walk there. His friends from his classes and the playground live nearby. He has peers who are representative of the Los Angeles population and all its diversity. He meets families with much and with little, who live in nice houses and small apartments, who expect college and hope for high school.

As for safety... I think that, with a few exceptions, safety has a lot more to do with an individual's behavior than with crime statistics. Gavin deBecker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift have more on this.

latimes.com has an interface for viewing crime statistics for various neighborhoods. You might find that interesting. What you will find, though, is that every neighborhood has crime. Just remember that those fun little maps aren't the whole story.

You might also browse the forums at atwatervillage.org. There's people freaking out about crime on there, of course... but you'll find that's tinged with undercurrents of racism. :-/ People who complain about crime in a LOT of neighborhoods are really complaining about people of color, and the supposed impact of them on the "quality" of a place.

Best book ever on the subject. Like instead of teaching children when they are lost to look for a policeman (which is uncommon for them to be around) ask a women a mom if they can for help.
https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

check this book out: The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter

https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0

they have a whole chapter on how you can choose your family when you're in your 20s - you can marry wisely and create the family you want.

I feel you. I'm in a similar boat. I graduated in May with a Pre-Med Nutrition degree and a Biology minor. I never wanted to go to med school, but I switched from pharmacy to education to pharmacy to pre-med nutrition because I was interested in holistic treatment. But my love for nutrition died because the program at my school WAS TERRIBLE, so towards the end of my degree I hated school and was totally unmotivated and I was blind to the future. I considered med school but a life of diagnosing, treating, and saying bye to patients I wouldnt see for another few months or years was not really appealing to me. I had a mental breakdown my senior year of college because of all the adderall I was taking and it took a tole on my personal life too. I would LOVE to travel and chill for a while but the reality of being broke and in debt after college is way too real. I want to go into the mental health field, but that means Ill be broke and in debt for like a decade, but I would love mental health way more than medical school. I want to surround myself with more disciplined creatives too, but most of the people I knew like that are moving away after school. Its hard to not let anxiety overcome me some days, but at least I know there are other people in the same boat. I recommend reading the book
https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter--/dp/0446561754/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468940290&sr=8-1&keywords=the+defining+decade

To be more disciplined and creative I suggest meditating daily. the app headspace is AMAZING, no hippie buddhism is involved, it just really works to help strengthen our pre-frontal cortex's, the part of the brain that adderall works to stimulate. I found meditating REALLY helped me handle the reality of my situation, and be easy on myself while going in a good direction.

but yeah I definitely feel similarly to you. Im babysitting for the summer to calm my nerves after school, but I have nothing planned for the fall yet and im freaking out. I really want to work in the mental health field but its been impossible to find a job and Im terrified of being broke come the fall.

Hey! 28M recently diagnosed RRMS. I feel exactly where you are at in life, and a big thing that keeps me moving through this is Jack Osborne’s motto. “Adapt and overcome”

Life is a beautiful thing and having MS doesn’t mean anything different. We are normal people with just a little bit of bad luck and you WILL lead a normal life. Just always ask for help when you need it!

I had a lot of career and life realizations similar to you as I began my path toward treatment after diagnosis. I have a feeling you will also benefit as greatly as I did from the book below.

https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

Be positive. Stay hopeful. Travel. Eat. Love. Use your diagnosis date as your lotto numbers. Put yourself outside of your comfort zone and SWIM. People are a lot stronger than they know when they face something like MS.

if you're in your twenties, the one book that's guaranteed to make you slightly less retarded + reads like a TED talk is this:

https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

> My SO was very crystal clear that he'd never propose to someone unless he lived with them for at least a year due to relationship issues in the past.

Not sure any guy that makes an ultimatum like that is the right one. But I hope your risk pays off.

I highly recommend this book - http://www.amazon.com/The-Defining-Decade-Twenties-Matter-And/dp/0446561754

One of the topics it speaks in-depth on is the effects of premarital cohabitation on future marriage/divorce probabilities.

I don't know how helpful this will be, but check out the book The Defining Decade. It's by a clinical psychologist who has extensive experience working with people in their twenties and she talks about things to think about in your twenties, common traps in thinking by people in their twenties, and everything is accompanied by anecdotes from her former patients.

I found it crazy relateable and it helped me a lot. It might be worth checking out, just as a place to get started. But all in all, I'm sorry you're feeling that way and I hope everything will work out!

edit: I just wanted to add a link to the book so it would be easy to find/you could look through the reviews.

Well were you? Do you have screen addiction?

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_YsovDbJ9MC869

Did you recently have a baby? If so, you might be interested in this book: And Baby Makes Three. It's focus is on preserving your marriage before and after the shit hits the fan when baby comes along (and how do baby launch their poo so far in the first place?!).

A good friend of ours recommended this when we were pregnant with our first. The principles Gottman and his wife lay down in that book have been essential to keeping our marriage intact at times.

There's also, more generally speaking, Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I haven't read this one yet, but it's apparently a more in-depth and general treatment of the principles that have helped us from the And Baby Makes Three book.

You might consider picking up one of those and either reading it on your own and working to apply it yourself or, ideally, working through it with your spouse and see if putting their suggestions into practice can help. It's cheaper than professional counseling, at least, though I don't want to discourage you from going that route if you feel you need it.

Regardless, I'll remember you in my prayers!

I'm not sure if there would be a couples therapist who would do online counseling with two people in different locations. I don't think this issue is common enough for you to be able to find a therapist who advertises such a service. You maaaay be able to find an therapist who does therapy through video chat and ask if this would be possible, but it would take a willing therapist and a therapist with some tech know-how (able to use Google Hangouts or something else for 3-person video chat).

But yeah, as you're already aware, the distance is a big barrier. I'd second the suggestion another person made about both of you starting individual therapy in your own home locations to work out issues.

Another idea I'd suggest is for the both of you to buy this book, read it on your own, and discuss it regularly by phone or videochat: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_Dy9hzbWSKC8WS

There are a ton of relationship books out there, but Gottman is one of the major authorities in the field of couples therapy. I used it a lot with my couples in therapy with good feedback.

Good luck and hope you're able to work out the best decision that works for you both.

> Spouses who try to be friends are the ones who end up falling out of love

If you're interested in seeing some research in this area, this is a good book. The author is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington who studied something like 700 marriages to try and figure out what makes marriages "work". The marriages with the least amount of divorce and the highest satisfaction had a great friendship at the center of it all. So - keeping up a friendship is very important!

Also, when it comes to love - love is an action, not a feeling. I love my spouse, so I serve her - I prove my love by what I do, not what I feel. Feelings come and go but my ability to make a choice to put her first and put her needs above mine remain.

Correct -- I read through that slide and immediately recognized it from his book. Not really worthy of criticism in this case.

I cannot recommend marriage counseling enough. Both my husband and I emotionally cheated. He told his ex that he loved her, vented to her when we had fights, and went to her house to talk. I started talking to my kind-of ex (never had a real relationship but we definitely had feelings... he was going through a divorce and decided to give his marriage one last try, and then I got back together with my boyfriend and then we got married) out of spite and we went back to being friends that used to talk and laugh all day long over chat. We never talked about feelings for each other or did anything physical, but I definitely had the emotional connection with him that was missing with my husband.

The worst part was this happened after we started marriage counseling. I already felt like he was too chatty and friendly with his ex when marriage counseling started. It was week after week of rough sessions. We had a lot of baggage to get through. And there were times when we would leave and I would question if we would ever be okay again.

But here we are over a year later, coming up on a year and a half, of when I cut off all communication with him. The thing with my kind-of ex was, we had this chemistry and we talked and laughed constantly, and it had been a long time since it felt like my husband enjoyed my company like that. That sucks. So focus on trying to re-establish that connection. You married your husband because he is the love of your life. He is the one you should want to talk to all day. He's the one you should want to make laugh. He's the ONLY person you should miss if you were apart for days or weeks at a time. If you find yourself missing another man like that, you two are too close and it needs to end. That was my wake-up call... realizing I would miss talking to him every day. And realizing I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to talk to my husband. Because I would share things like memes or stuff on Reddit/Imgur with my husband and he wouldn't laugh or respond much to it and seemed bored with me a lot, but this other guy would laugh and let it spark a 20 minute conversation. My husband didn't want to engage in those conversations with me. And there were plenty of things I was the same with... just not interested in creating a conversation out of a topic.

Now we're to the point that even though I'm not a gamer and I have never played Metroid, I can watch my husband speedrun the game and ask him questions about it, or listen to him explain strategies, or sit by him and watch someone else stream the game, and I enjoy the conversations and I enjoy that he wants to share it with me. While it may not be an interest of mine, I recognize that it's something that helps him decompress after a rough day at work and it's a challenge he enjoys, and that's enough for me to try and engage in those conversations.

Our marriage counselor used a lot of methods by John Gottman. Gottman has done some really cool research on marriages and I love reading content from them. There was an article on the marriage retreats they do... and this paraphrasing will probably be awful but I'll try my best. So these couples would come to a marriage retreat. Let's say you have one healthy couple and one struggling couple. The husband might point to a pretty bird in a tree or something, and in the healthy couple, the wife would engage and look for the bird, acknowledge it, and discuss it. In the unhealthy couple, the wife wouldn't look up and would just act bored with him and dismiss his interest. THAT was a huge area we were struggling in, and THAT is why I think we both emotionally cheated. Things have been much better since we actively try to engage in each other's interests more.

I highly recommend Gottman's stuff.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_ShEKzbPDTBDZD

Also check out The Gottman Institute. I think they have a Facebook page with that name.

Have you read anything by John Gottman? His research on which marriages last and which end in divorce is pretty solid. He is able to identify specific behaviors which, if done often over time, lead to divorce.

This book sums up the core of his findings, and will give you (and your fiance) concrete tools to determine if you have a solid foundation with each other. It might provide you with a more objective lens with which to view your relationship.

You've first got to give up the habit of worrying. Read Dale Carnegie on worrying

Well, I don't really read self-help books or books about life. (got a few other book suggestions for dry histories and sciences, but that's OT). But I've read a good bit of How to stop
worrying and start living which was pretty good. I hear Carnegie's other books are good too.

Personally I think that everyone has to find their own path in life. While books may have the answer for some, I don't want to spend my life researching how to spend your life. The way I see it, as long as you are marginally happy with your current situation, and you have a good goal to work towards, then you are in a good position. Otherwise, do what it takes to get to that point. That's basically what some of the books will tell you anyway.

Sorry I couldn't suggest anything more in this reply.

Hi there. I can't imagine what you are going through and I wish your mother all the best during this time. You can surely agree that the drinking has to stop, right? Drinking because of a shitty situation doesn't it make it go away and usually just makes it worse. I know you know that obviously.

I recently read a book called How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (pretty famous author and book so you might know it). It says that it's best to evaluate the worst case scenario, accept that it is possible and prepare a plan of action for it. If you are prepared for the worst case then you can definitely handle a less severe outcome if you get lucky.

We're here to listen. I hope you stay sober today, piece together a plan of action, tell your mom how much you love her and start building yourself back up. You can do it.

Also thank you for reminding me why I needed to quit. I don't have any legal consequences from drinking but I bet it could easily happen if I had kept binge drinking. It's just not worth it.

Reading the 'How to stop worrying' book description just now, two thoughts come to mind. Worry is beneficial so long as it doesn't get out of control, and if it is out of control, I'd consult professional help long before seeking help through a book.

A semi-alternative to therapy is to find a web forum for your specific issue -- at least you're still communicating with other people. Reddit is welcoming if you can ignore the occasional arsehole. There is /r/selfhelp/.

Firstly, I actually like how straight-forward you are. IMO, this is the type of talk that gets facts across... but, as evidenced here, some people automatically equate this to being a 'bitch'. Sigh.

Secondly, how lucky he is to have you? I cannot say because he is not here commenting, but, you sound very lucky to have him. You are able to actually tell him things some females would hesitate to tell their significant other (many put up with bad sex for fear of hurting feelings)... It is quite nice. Would be very helpful if you guys do end up going to a seek help from a professional. :)

My main point: Did you ever enjoy sex with your husband, maybe when the both of you started dating, during some "honeymoon phase"? I ask because, if yes, it may be because your husband is too often always there for you. Yes, this is a very good trait to have as a father and a husband, but, not as a lover! Domestic needs often times do not match with sexual ones, so, if not recognized, can lead to situations such as yours (love having him around as a husband because he is like a dependable rock, but it is stifling as there is no sexual excitement because of lack of uncertainty).

If you can relate in any way to my last paragraph, I would recommend Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" (Amazon link). There is also a TED talk given by her that touches quickly on topics discussed in her book, here (link). Trust me, her findings are quite eye-opening.

Others are telling you that they feel bad for your husband, and that they are feeling quite negative in general in regards to your relationship with him. However, I think maybe are just questions that haven't been asked - ones that even you (who research everything) may have not thought to look up on. So, have a look at the links I gave you. Maybe you will have a, "Eureka!" moment.

Good luck. :)

Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Work on yourself, and figure out what is different about the person you were when things were working well in the bedroom versus the person you are now.

Are you in the same shape you were 7 years ago? Are you as interesting? Are you as strong, independent, confident then as you are now?

You do understand that the work doesn't stop when you get married and have kids, right? In fact, it's just getting started.

Date her. Every day.

Realize foreplay is something that happens the other 23 1/2 hours a day, not 5 minutes before she drops those pajama bottoms. Do not ever negotiate desire (that "acts of service" and "choreplay" stuff is never, ever going to work).

Don't beg for sex, don't expect it, and don't get butthurt when it doesn't happen, or it will just get worse, because you will make yourself someone she doesn't respect. If you can find the man you were before, she'll find the woman she was, too.

Unlike another commenter, I'd strongly suggest staying as far away from /r/DeadBedrooms as possible, unless you want to feel better about people who are worse off than you. Hanging out in that sub just made things worse for me.

A good starting point for you might be The Man's Guide to Women. and after that I'd suggest the Mindful Attraction Plan and Mating in Captivity.

And throw that Five Love Languages book in the trash.

It's not called the Five Fuck Languages for a very good reason.

You know, I just started looking into a book called...

Mating in Captivity.

Ironically, learned about this book through this very sub-reddit, after someone else had recommended Married Man Sex Life.

This book talks exactly about the problem with committed relationships and sex drive, and is extremely highly rated. Author seems to know what she's talking about.

tl;dr version is that sex needs a kind of distance (and mystery) to remain "hot," and that this is often at tension with the intimacy people want from relationships.

You're not alone in what you're going through. This is an extremely common problem. But there are answers that don't involve the death of your relationship to him.

I wish you the best of luck.

Amazing psychotherapist Esther Perel talks about this at length in her book Mating in Captivity (not an affiliate link). She's brilliant!!

I just started reading Mating in Captivity and am digging it so far. Not sure I've cracked the code on keeping romance alive, but the book is giving me some things to think about.

You didn't mention if your sex drive has always been this low. Was your libido higher before you started taking these medications, what about before moving in together?

As others have said, talk to your doctor. Also, consider reading the book "Mating in Captivity,"by Esther Perel as it may shed some light on things you didn't consider about how sometimes too much togetherness can kill libido, even for those of us who really enjoy cuddling. Here's the Amazon link to it bookey bookey book (Edit: Thank you kind stranger for saving my link from the spam filter!)

Even with considerable effort, you are not likely to regain the spark.

If she was very open and still a decent sex drive, but was basically bored with the relationship, it's possible with things like open relationships and swinging, all of that new relationship energy translates over into the primary relationship, sort of rekindling things. Sometimes just doing more exciting things with a partner can make this happen temporarily.

But this all presupposes that she has any drive at all. It's harsh to accept this. What sucks is that was that if she was with someone else new at the moment, it's more than likely that she would have drive and desire - for a little while. Then it would wane again. It probably isn't you, but more of the familiarity of you. I'm not saying this to be cruel, this is part of the problem I have.

What you are driving at is that some people are not wired to want sex except with what is novel and new. That's part of what monogamy difficult. If, without consequence you could have sex with someone hot and new would you? Of course, that's what we're designed to do. The problem comes into when you are with someone long term. If your partner isn't actively trying to make things interesting, it won't work. And if she has zero drive, well - I don't know how you start from this.

But I would still attack some potential physical problems to try to increase drive. If she isn't working out, she probably should try exercise. If she's on hormonal birth control, get off of it. Have her get a physical to see if there is anything seriously wrong. My wife had Lyme Disease diagnosed recently, which messes with libido, it really could be anything. Eat better, be healthier. These aren't bad things to do for yourself anyway.

I've heard good things about "Mating in Captivity", which seems to be about what you are talking about from a relationship perspective, but I have not gotten a chance to read it yet.

http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333998652&sr=8-1

Best of luck.

You can think that, which is fine. I just disagree: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338 — my only problem is that empathy apologists don’t just argue for empathy: they tend to push empathy as a legitimate demand and moralistic dogma, something which is wrong to be even questioned (such attitude is implicit in your “Jesus the state of this comment” and mostly explicit in the “we are arguing the merits of empathy” as a complaint of u/Rabs6 below)

Sehr guter Kommentar. Ich kann mir vorstellen, dass dir "Against Empathy" gut gefallen würde, wenn du's noch nicht gelesen hast.

>Some of his other points were seriously misconstrued, like "De-emphasizing Empathy"

Yep, Yale psychologist Paul Bloom wrote a book recently about the perils of empathy, which he describes as the way our moral and ethical intuitions can be mislead by our emotions and that, alternatively, allowing data and statistics to inform our behavior is ultimately a more sensical and compassionate route.

That's what this document was getting at.

>Google is absolutely in the right to fire him

I think people are less concerned with whether or not Google was legally in the right to do it, but more if it makes ethical or logical sense to do so. Like you said, it's pathetic and heavy-handed.

Here's the link to the meetup group :)

https://www.meetup.com/Jordan-Peterson-Study-Group

I can recommend a book I'm reading right now: "Against Empathy" --
I'm loving it so far. Read the first chapter, and I think it will surprise you, actually.

Here's a link:

https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338

I have similar problems as a HSP. For me it helped to find cases against empathy and pleading for rational compassion. (I too work in a hospital and am sometimes burned out by all the suffering). I highly recommend some work by Paul Bloom.
Video: http://www.theatlantic.com/video/index/474588/why-empathy-is-a-bad-thing/
Article: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/05/20/the-baby-in-the-well
Book: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338

to those who are down-voting: https://www.amazon.com/Against-Empathy-Case-Rational-Compassion/dp/0062339338
"With precision and wit, he demonstrates how empathy distorts our judgment in every aspect of our lives, from philanthropy and charity to the justice system; from medical care and education to parenting and marriage. Without empathy, Bloom insists, our decisions would be clearer, fairer, and—yes—ultimately more moral.

Brilliantly argued, urgent and humane, AGAINST EMPATHY shows us that, when it comes to both major policy decisions and the choices we make in our everyday lives, limiting our impulse toward empathy is often the most compassionate choice we can make."

> Serious question here and I really don't mean any offense. Are you authistic?

i never got tested so i can't say for sure, but i do not think so.

> I'm asking because you seem to be unable to relate to other human being

Why do you think this? It is true that i see no gains in empathy but i truly feel compassion for people, i align for the most part with the view of Paul Bloom on this.

> abstract concept of ideology

can you tell me what you mean with this?

> Empathy is the key to changing your mindset.

Bloom 2016, Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion

> Bloom reveals empathy to be one of the leading motivators of inequality and immorality in society. Far from helping us to improve the lives of others, empathy is a capricious and irrational emotion that appeals to our narrow prejudices. It muddles our judgment and, ironically, often leads to cruelty. We are at our best when we are smart enough not to rely on it, but to draw instead upon a more distanced compassion.

Check out the book Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, and Heen. It's an amazing book that really has helped me to learn to better communicate with my spouse and in my business life as well. I've really enjoyed it! It's a pretty small book, but it's packed with helpful advice.

Eep, I'm really sorry that you have to deal with family who make poor life decisions! It's one of the hardest things ever to deal with. Have you ever read the book "Difficult Conversations"? It might be a good place to look. :)

My SO and I are both super sensitive-- we decided to study NVC together (non-violent communication) and also read this book-- I highly recommend it. Transformative: https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 .

I found this book very useful. From patients, to staff, and just personal interactions in general, it has come in handy.

http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

You're welcome of course. I'd recommend this book if you're interested in enhancing your communication abilities further. One last bit of advice: Relationships are a state, not a statement; don't get hung up on what to call it, focus on what the realities are as they come. If you need each other right now and can talk with each other about that reality honestly and safely, you have a foundation that many different types of relationships can emerge from. Keep talking, keep talking honestly - especially when it's painful or hard - and both of you may find that you want each other more than you need each other.

Best of luck!

I'm very sorry to hear that.

My experience has been that things go a lot better for me socially when I treat every skeptical conversation like a difficult conversation. Short read, highly recommended.

I've also noticed that I tend to better when I offer fewer re-interpretations for people's experiences. Sometimes this manifests as a super lazy, super defensive heuristic like: "Ok, Jason (I'm Jason) -- under no circumstances say 'Maybe that was just sleep paralysis."

There's a woman I care deeply for who is very religious. I am almost tempted to use the phrase madly in love with this woman, but I'll try to keep this believable. She is big on listening prayer and she feels called to do work abroad. All of my skills and training are in technology. Even if she and I get past our worldview differences (I'm an agnostic atheist of the skepticism-first variety and she's a gnostic theist of the protestant christian variety) we still have to deal with the fact that her path will take her where all my skills mean nothing.

In general, the only things I ever let myself regret are the times I've hurt people unnecessarily. Everything else, I try very hard to own. I treat it as formative and I try to milk it for every ounce of self-improvement it could offer me. But once in a while I've hurt people... not necessarily through my skepticism, but not completely unrelated to it either. There in lies a common theme to all my regrets. C'est le vie.

Being honest to my disposition is not all its cracked up to be, but I won't stop any time soon. But being intellectually honest to the best of my bias-riddled human ability absolutely helps me sleep at night. For example, I recently had a conversation with my Dad, a Lebanese secularist who was politically active in the 60s and 70s (read: has a lot of anti-israeli bias), in which we got talking about the situation in Gaza. Over the past year, I've been systematically identifying my pro-israeli bias, especially that grounded in my exposure to western media. This puts me in a disadvantaged place for getting history lessons from him -- but when he insinuated that there's no such thing as an Israeli non-combatant, I had to stop the conversation because both my skeptical heuristics (intellectual honesty) and my ethical heuristics (dispositional honesty) went off full-blast. I asked him to clarify his point in terms of things I can fact check, and he should do the same.

Sure, it's good to hang a question mark on your identity as a skeptic... but the rest of the time, be proud. Your -- our -- vigilance tends to fall on the good-investment side of the cost-benefit balance.

> they’re bringing in an independent HR consultant soon to do an evaluation of our practices

Good. How soon?

> if she had done this to someone else, I would talk to her about it

That's a great way to frame it. I recommend this be your approach. If the HR consultant is slated to come within the month, I would wait for them. Otherwise... yeah, you will need to have that difficult conversation.

This book is a good resource for that:

https://www.amazon.ca/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

There's this book

and this one- Both are on my 'to-read' list that seems to grow longer every year I'm in practice.

http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 is a great book for this sort of thing.

I do suggest talking to her privately not as a group. People are more receptive to "bad things" one on one than they are in a group, where they're also performing for the group to not lose their esteem.

You sound like an interesting person! I think introvertedness is underrated. I'm really introverted, too. I've wanted to read this book for a long time.

I, too, love food. It's probably what I spend most of my money on. I love cooking and eating out and snacking!

Canada is totally beautiful. What's your dog's name? Are you going to reveal your movie list on RAOA? (Please do.)

I thought this book explained it nicely:

https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352145/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

You might want to read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352145/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341268548&sr=8-1&keywords=Quiet%3A+The+Power+of+Introverts

This paragraph might make you sound uncharacteristically ignorant, but maybe you should read this article about this book. Basically, if you're anything like this paragraph, you don't understand most knowledge workers, and most knowledge workers understand you all too well. You should educate yourself to become a better person!

If you want another book to read about introversion, I've been reading through Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking and it's been pretty good so far. It seems to have a strong focus on the workplace rather than general day-to-day, but that could be something useful for your career. Apparently we can blame Harvard for our problems.

Extroverts that expect other people to act like they do. Like enjoying small talk, easily making eye contact, or crushing someones hand when you shake.

Especially people who don't read

I was recently given the book Quiet. I haven't read it yet, but it might be along the lines of what you're looking for.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

This book helped me realise why I always get nervous and start to panic whenever my friends and I decide to do something, or whenever I get ready to present a presentation or anything that involves socialising, really. It opened my eyes to how many types of people there are and how to communicate as well as better yourself without changing who you really are.

You should check this out.

I remember reading this saga initially and I’ve since gone back and re read before writing this.

You need to cut these people out and don’t feel bad about it. You don’t need them, your husband doesn’t need them, and your daughter certainly doesn’t need them. Don’t feel like they need to be part of your life because they are “family.” This is not worth the amount of personal stress, marital stress, and potential consequences to your family.

FWIW, I’m no contact with my parents for a variety of reasons including their long standing mental health issues and substance abuse. At first when I was struggling with the decision and trying to make things worse I was constantly stressed, and my husband was stressed trying to support me. Fast forward a few years and it’s so much easier — my life is drama free and we don’t have their stress as part of our marriage. I never even told them that we had a baby.

Can you file for a restraining order?

This is a book our pastor recommended to us, we never read it but perhaps you’ll find it helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524823949&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=boundaries+with+parents&dpPl=1&dpID=41aN7j3I6bL&ref=plSrch

If you don’t mind it having some religious overtones, you may find this book helpful.

people can use the bible to misrepresent so much stuff. (warning: unsoliceted advice) give your parents this book: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=asc_df_0310351804/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312425492373&hvpos=1o2&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8455263262124568265&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9028149&hvtargid=aud-643191255296:pla-425385864932&psc=1 your parents are not the boss of you, you are the boss of yourself and this shows how the bible helps put boundaries in place to keep you safe. i am so sorry you are going through this. TOTALLY WRONG.

First of all, are you living with them or are you out of the house? Are you married, employed and financially independent?

My mom and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs. Our relationship has gotten much better as I've gotten older. I'd now consider her my BFF. However, it took a lot to get there.

If you are still depending on your parents financially or for a home, they will struggle to see you as an adult. As long as you are on their dime or under their roof, no matter the circumstances, they will see you as entitled and not take your problems seriously.

In my late 20s, I was on my own and living hundreds of miles away from my parents. However, they still paid for my cell phone. That extra $20 became a huge point of contention. After I went over on my data (due to my job), I got my own plan. It cost me $50 a month but it was worth it. My parents treated me with respect. They took my problems and concerns seriously. That one bill sent a signal to my parents that I had reached adulthood.
If you can't move out or need to rely on your parents financially, I would advise you to find another person to confide in. It's natural to want to turn to our moms for advice and share our burdens. However, it sounds like you are in a growing pains stage. Your relationship might not be able to handle it right now. Turn to a friend or another woman at church for advice or pursue counseling.

I highly recommend Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It's a Christian book that is highly respected by the secular world for how to handle difficult relationships.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

​

Also, make more friends. Your FP should never be your only friend.

Poor BIL sounds stuck in the FOG, but without more details it's hard to tell. Pass this book along to SIL: Boundaries.

It's a good read for everyone with the possible Narcissist/BPD/nutcase in their lives.

Look up the book Boundries by Cloud and Townsend - Scripture based, very good, helped me solidify my frame.

For your own wellbeing and sanity, I recommend you read these three books and follow the advice provided:

1)https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-People-Ways-Dealing-Miserable/dp/1929873441/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1T5CRFM6U59BT&keywords=toxic+people+book&qid=1572484367&sprefix=Toxic+people%2Caps%2C159&sr=8-1

2) https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1K7WOU16FNSBQ&keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend+paperback&qid=1572484448&sprefix=Boundaries+by+cl%2Caps%2C165&sr=8-1

3) https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1LT5SC2FLV4X1&keywords=narcissism+books&qid=1572484500&sprefix=narcissism%2Caps%2C163&sr=8-5

OK, I got a few minutes free. So let's start with the stuff you're mentioning specifically about standing up for yourself. That is definitely a good piece of this puzzle to bring into awareness and try to solve for yourself. It will be a huge long term benefit to you to work on, and eventually to the people around you (although they may not end up being the same people that you run with now).

An expert on manipulative and abusive behavior talking about popular misconceptions about what drives the kinds of things you might be seeing in some of the people in your life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBfvbWRDZN4&list=PLePFb3rlFbw5Z8NWX6h44RgkSeRLPHu6g&index=2 (huge playlist but the first 1-2 videos are a good intro to his line of thinking).

By far the best written resource I've ever found on what boundaries are, how to hold them, different ways we can take the wrong approach to them and how to correct that: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527274601&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries. It's written from a Christian perspective, which for the record is not my belief system, but I still found it extremely useful. It was actually a bit healing for me to read this and regain some potential for respect for people in that community, seeing that there are Christian people who are actually doing this work and making it a part of their life to stand up to abuse, as opposed to the people I grew up with who tended to be overly publicly religious while silent and cowardly in the face of anyone actually mistreating anyone else in the here and now.

My fav youtube channel with a scientifically robust treatment of this stuff: https://www.youtube.com/user/sppwebmaster/videos. For my particular issues, which might or might not match yours, these two videos in particular were each well worth an hour when you've got it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU33PLAtSOA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sbYIKC7-Tw

Plus as an American I find Aussie accents entertaining and easy to listen to. :)

Yeah... I seriously recommend reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1526043043&sr=8-2&keywords=Boundaries

Your family is like my family. And then I started saying "No" and suddenly our relationships are a lot more healthy. Weird

I second this, they were a great support with me and my terrible inlaws before we went NC. In addition, read the book boundaries to get some ideas on how to draw the line, and make it very clear, without it being overly emotional.

​

​

Read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. You can find a used copy online for cheap. My therapist recommended I read it for a long time, and when I finally did it helped me SO MUCH. Boundaries are a healthy, important, Biblical concept.

You can imagine how much material there is on these topics. I can try to get you a jump start.

Books: https://www.amazon.com/Game-NEIL-STRAUSS/dp/0062312979/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1472500098&sr=8-1&keywords=the+game+neil+strauss

https://www.amazon.com/Mystery-Method-Beautiful-Women-Into/dp/0312360118/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1472500147&sr=8-1&keywords=mystery+method

https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1472500158&sr=8-1&keywords=models+manson

theattractionforums.com -> go to the newbie section

Read the popular posts from here in the side bar ->

If you think you need some personal help and want strategies based on your environment for creating a "funneling" strategy of getting hot women to come to you, just private message me.

Best of luck.

Here, I haven't read it but I saw some MTV documentary like 15 years ago with this Mystery fuckwit in it.

The Game is just a story, though it does include some tips and examples of the techniques they use. It's more entertainment than educational.

Instead, he should read the actual handbook written by Neil Strauss and Eric von Markovik (Style and Mystery).

Disclaimer: It should go without saying that this material is somewhat controversial. I read The Game and the handbook back in college, and it did wonders for my confidence and romantic life, but I often get funny looks when I recommend these books. He also shouldn't expect changes overnight. Real confidence takes months or even years to build. By that time he may grow out of the desire for meaningless hookups and might find himself more interested in something more permanent. Either way, boosted confidence won't hurt.

http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

I highly recommend this book to help you sort out this complicated situation. It’s written for just this situation and includes advice on how to approach your spouse, and what you can reasonably expect of this situation. It’s geared toward both emotional affairs and also physical ones.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503?

Oh, all the girls my ex husband cheated on me with started as friends. Always trust your instincts when female friends are concerned. Unless you're the type that's automatically jealous of any female interaction, your instincts will warn you when something is not right.

And something is definitely not right here. Your BF may genuinely have no present intention of cheating at all. But he has poor boundaries. And this means that there is a high likelihood that things may get out of hand some day. He's on a slippery slope and he may not even realize when things have crossed the line until he's in way too deep for his own good.

Now is the time for a serious talk about boundaries. No need for accusations or blame. But he does need to be open to the discussion and not dismissive or defensive.

Boundaries are the absolute key to fidelity. It's great to have opposite sex friends if you have good boundaries. Your BF has some work to do in that regard.

Highly recommend that you check out the following books:

Not Just Friends - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

Boundaries in Relationships - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/155874259X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372344185&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

"...it doesn't seem like he cares and is just over it."

You saying that stood out to me and might be something to reflect on.

I don't know exactly your situation, but it kinda sounds like the relationship might no longer be a fit for him. I would recommend reading this book. I was feeling exactly how you were about my relationship, and it really help me see the relationship for what it was: https://www.amazon.com/dp/product-description/0767921968

I swallowed my pride and started reading/listening to self help books. Based on other people's recommendations:

www.amazon.com/dp/0767921968 - funny and made me feel better if just for a few days; somewhat targeted towards women but I found it helpful

www.amazon.com/dp/1478121734 - finished it in less than hour and trying to follow its mantra.. strangely, I think it might be helping. Too early to tell but it's interesting.

I e-borrowed the first one from my library. Maybe possible with the second one too.

Hey Bean!

My mom always knows what I'm thinking! She's so sweet and we're really close.

[This book would be so awesome] (http://www.amazon.com/dp/0767921968/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pd_nS_ttl?_encoding=UTF8&colid=26SWLD702LW5B&coliid=I3RRLV88VVV9JZ)

Thanks for the contest!

INTERNET HUGS !! <3

And you can read this : http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968 I know it seems super cheesy but it helped me a lot.

Honestly, he sounds like a dreadful person. I know it hurts a lot now, and I wish as well there were something that could help speed it up. But it's all part of the process to get you to the new, better place you're going. And you'll get there!

Also, I have not read this nor am I affiliated with it, but I hear positive things: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

Hugs!

It's called a break up because it's broken.

Buy it, read it, know that the reason you feel sad is for the guy you loved and trusted, not for the guy who lied to you and flirted with other girls because you were "on a break".

Amazon link to book It's sort of cheesy, of course, but it actually helped me a lot and I passed it on to a friend who also found it helpful.

First of all, I'm so sorry. I know the pains of not being able to eat, being anxiety ridden, on the verge of tears, and feeling like I'm going to jump out of my skin from a terrible break up. After 4 years of dating, and our last year being on and off, because I kept finding out about all of the times he had cheated on me, and the final straw was when I walked in on him making out with the town slut. I had tried to make it work, and was devastated that my efforts were just shrugged off like I was nothing.

I cried for what felt like forever, and drinking wine at night was the only way for me to get any sleep. THANKFULLY, a girl friend that I wasn't so close with at the time, but had also gone through the most traumatizing break up I've ever heard of, messaged me and said we need to meet up for beer. I did, and the first thing she did was whip out a book called, "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken". After she said it was by the same guy who wrote, "He's Just Not That Into You", but convinced me to read it, and I thought, what the hell, it seemed to help her to be strong after her bad break up.

LET ME TELL YOU, I laughed out loud, wept and cried, and found myself whimpering in a heartbreaking voice, "Yeah I know..." It helped me build myself back up, gave me a set of rules to follow, and I couldn't be happier that I "left" that relationship completely.

Some Key Points that I followed from the book that really helped was the No Contact for 60 Days (at the least). It goes more into detail about how to go about this, and this was always the hardest for me, since I am so stubborn, and wanted to fix the problem with the problem.

Another one is, after being sad for a little bit, you have to stop being sad and get out. That means go travel to other cities, and switch up the scene a little bit. After about 3 weeks of crying, I planned out the next three weekends to be out of town, and that was the best decision for me. The first weekend I went to Key West, FL, the next I went to see my best and oldest friend (and ended up having so much fun that I was laughing in my sleep), and then NYC to see friends up there. I met so many people, and remembered, "Oh yeah, I'm awesome, and a happy person.."

The thing that sucks about break ups the most is that it takes time. Just remember it's all so temporary, and that this you are just in the thick of it right now, but you are strong enough to get through it.

Good Luck, and please post us with any progress in the coming weeks!

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1405871724&sr=1-1&keywords=it%27s+called+a+breakup+because+it%27s+broken

It is sooo hard. Like you have all this information about the person: oh, they like Pacman, this is how they eat pancakes, favorite color...all this real estate in your head that's taken up by their old storage. It SUCKS. But you know what, it fades. It does. Something that really helped me get through the worst breakup of my life was this book: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

It's cheesy but it will help you feel better.

You're the cutest, for real. I'd hang out with you in a split second. Like my heart had an actual pang over your picture, "friend!"

This may sound really silly but I /highly/ recommend this book It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken

It's funny, and charming, and realistic and uplifting all at the same time.

> 1) How long have you been No Contact?

I believe today is day 6. Last contact was last Tuesday.

> 2) What physical feature do you like most about yourself?

Hard one, but if anything, keeping my silver streak which some millennial colleagues I work with reminds them of a super hero that he more or less disparaged, I can grow in. For some reason I like my streak, though the other silver (gray) seems mousy at times, I really dig it, and well damn, it took me a long time to get this silver and I'm glad I'm going silver in a pretty cool manner.

> 3) What do you like most about your personality?

The words the replacement to a former colleague I was close to was leaving our company pretty much said it in word I couldn't use to explain myself and nearly floored when she said it as I used to be in her department, thrown into a more stressful position (by choice, expereince, culture) that she said to me "It was obvious that you were in stressful, high pressure situations and the face for your department. Yet what will stick with me is that no matter how it was apparent, sometimes in your tone, you always seemed to be calm, informed, even if you weren't fully, but you always assured "We'll get through this".

She was spot on; that' is my mantra at work, at home, with my family, and even now my ex-bf "We'll get through this" and "We'll see what we can do." and if not sure, my response "We'll find out".

I just know doing Helpdesk stuff that I need to keep it positive and apparently it bled into personal avenues. That rocks!


> 4) Have you gotten outside for at least 30 minutes (weather permitting) in the last 24 hours? Have you done any sort of exercise in the last 24 hours?

Yes, I got outside. I love the cool air. Exercise, no. Not conventioally though I did spend about an hour to almost 2 hours going through things, lifting, and throwing out. Perhaps not the gym, but I de-cluttered and rid of things I meant to for a few weeks, months, and aim to do more ridding of shit in my home.

> 5) Name a song, movie, TV show, or book (or any / all) that has helped you work through your break up. Maybe something that's helped you think about it differently or perhaps something that's just made you laugh.

Interesting question. Yesterday was my "take care of me day" and I watched the movies I suggested to him that he didn't want to watch for several bullshit reasons though he is a self proclaimed avid movie enthusiast. I watched Interstellar, 12 years a slave, and "Good Night and Good Luck".

I texted my oldest daughter that the realiztion that my movie choices had an essence of heart and doing right in all of them. Something he seems to not be able to connect to in his movie choices and in real life. He thinks life is about $ and I go by heart, and like to surround myself and want my adult children to be surrounded with people that have heart.

I realized he doesn't have 'the heart' and he also is a shitty partner that for every one movie that was my choice he watched, there were about 300 he decided that I watched.


Oh... as to recommended reading from break ups I had in the past, the book "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" Co-written by the same guy who wrote the "he's not that into you" episode of Sex in the City.

When I went through my divorce, which was far more dramatic, hard to deal with, I threw myself into literature (internet was kinda new) of anything historical mainly biographies about WWII and the struggles. It helped me to keep in mind tha if I thought I was having a rough time? Yea, I'm not away from my family for several years, on a pacific island made of volcanic shards, fighting an enemy I can't see... Okinawa... then add into tha the Band of Brothers type stuff... it kept me humble that while my struggle was real, that there are others who suffered more and for the greater good of our country. It helped keep my suffering, pain in perspectve and realized I needed to find a purpose as a mother.

I am on Day 52 of 60 of breaking up with Doritos and McD's - see it's called a breakup because it's broken for inspiration.

If I can, you can too!

It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken. It really helped me stay away from a guy that was really really bad for me. It was my first real relationship and I thought it was forever. It helped me realize it didn't have to be forever just because I loved him.

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

She's referring to Sperm Wars (Baker) which only seeks to describe what happens if there were multiple partners involved in sexual selection.

It's hardly evidence that one ought to engage in sperm competition unless confirmation bias counts as proof of an ought.

Wandering through the library, I chanced across "Sperm Wars" by Robin Baker. This explains male and female sexual strategy, along with a lot of interesting consequences and related facts. This predisposed me to red pill truth.

Years later, after divorce and other unsatisfactory experiences, I sort of drifted away from chasing women. When I discovered the manosphere, it merely confirmed what I had found out the hard way.

Then you my friend should read the wonderful book, Sperm wars.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1560258489

Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles by
Robin Baker

I've heard and read similar stats before. In trying retrace my web search, I came across this:

RE: 20 to 25% Percent of Children in a Marriage - Not Husband's

"I'm not surprised. Read the book "Sperm Wars" and you'll learn that only about 40% of Men across human history have been successful at continuing their lineage with offspring. Women are much higher at about 80-85% success rate."

http://amzn.com/1560258489

Do a little web search and I'm sure you can find some interesting numbers and reported facts that will make the hair on the back of hour neck stand up.

I'm gay (technically bi, but I mostly date men). Men come with their own bullshit. You don't have to pay as much attention to your figure, you don't have to worry that some guy is faking interest in a relationship just to get in your pants, etc. Men also like confidence in a partner. There are guides for women on developing more confidence to attract and keep men. It's a human trait to want individuals who exude confidence and those who are overly nice/giving risk being used as doormats by men individuals who prey on such people.

Women don't 'consistently test their man for any weakness in his confidence'. It sounds like you need to pick better women and assert yourself more. Asserting yourself doesn't mean that you have a be a jerk. It just means that you respect your self worth. If you don't value yourself, then why should your partner?

If I were you, I'd join toastmasters or some other organization primarily devoted to boosting self confidence. Start talking to women as friends and develop some female friendships because it sounds like you don't understand what most women are like or actually want in a relationship. Also, you are blaming women for your own problems. Women typically are more socially receptive than men and can pick up on that. Accept responsibility for yourself and work on improving yourself first.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560

You're doing WAY too much. Dial it back about 10 notches at least. You're assuming that because you would enjoy getting little notes, he does too. But it seems pretty clear that he just finds that annoying.

Most guys love the thrill of the chase. You've made it very obvious to him that he has absolutely no need to pursue you. He's got you. Now he's just testing to see how little he can get away with doing and still keep you as his girlfriend. Trust me, he knows it bothers you, but he doesn't care. Because he's certain you're always going to be there.

If you want to be appreciated again, STOP. Stop absolutely everything. No more notes, sexy texts, FB messages, etc ... As far as the chores go, don't ask him to do any (since he isn't anyway). You just do the things you need to for yourself - wash your own clothes, clean only the dishes you dirtied or that you need for your meal. Buy groceries that you want to eat. Let him fend for himself.

Don't explain to him why you've changed your behavior, just do it and act as if nothing is different. Find a few outside interests and spend more time away from him. Make it clear through your actions (not words) that you won't always be available at his beck and call.

If you really want to keep the relationship, this is the book you need to read: Why Men Love Bitches Every piece of advice she gives is dead-on accurate.

This one Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl―A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/1580627560/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_PsW3BbHDZ80A8

Pick up a copy of Not Just Friends and read it. The thing is, she is completely right. And if others are independently calling you and your coworker work spouses, you're meeting up outside of work, texting, etc., you two have already crossed boundaries whether you want to admit to it or not. If you hadn't, your wife wouldn't be upset, especially since she's normally not around other female friendships. Affairs are insidious. The majority of people in them do not set out to have an affair. And they typically follow this trajectory. Take some time to learn how they develop, and cut things off with this work friend. You need to protect your marriage.

Buy her this book. She needs to find a new job.

Trickle truth is what my wife did to me. It took 2 months, and me pretending to be her talking to the guy to get the full truth. Here is the book that helped me a lot.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?keywords=just+friends&qid=1572357096&sr=8-12

geared toward women but really helped me: http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1313958336&sr=8-1

and then anything by Wayne Dyer. :) Hope this helps.

I'm so sorry to hear about you and your ex. Not sure if you were looking for something to read but this book really helped me get over my ex. It's also pretty timeless and versatile (whether he broke up with you or the other way around). It allowed me to get my mind clear and making it a breakover instead of breakup. Things will get better my dear, keep your head held high.

I recently just went through a break up and found the book "It's Called A Break Up Because It's Broken' very helpful, its from the writers of 'He's Just Not That Into You'. It's a quick read but has a lot of constructive advice about how to move on when the relationship is over.

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406512548&sr=8-1&keywords=its+called+a+breakup+because+its+broken

It’s Called a Breakup because it’s Broken

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

I can totally relate to you. I am a month into NC and a little over 40 days from the breakup and some days I am totally ok and others - a complete and utter mess (like today). I have had the same thoughts but then realize - he would in a sense win. He would be living his life and happy and content and my family would then be the ones suffering. It wouldn't even cross his radar so all the effort in thinking those thoughts are in a sense a waste.

Read this - http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968 It's so obvious but helpful to realize you aren't alone.

We are all feeling the same thing and have each other. These days around holidays are the WORSE and just believe that time will heal us even though it is so hard to believe.

Books! These have helped me a lot:

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken

The No Contact Rule

Baggage Reclaim - A lot of good free articles!

They're all written from a hetero perspective but it's just as applicable.

The biggest thing is just going to be patience and time. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling a certain way by a certain time. Something shitty happened to you and it takes time to deal with it and adjust.

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken

Aimed at women, but no reason it couldn't help you.

> We aren't the descendants of the guys who got cheated on

Many of us are the descendants of the guys who got cheated on. For any given generation, it's at least 10%.

See Sperm Wars.

Witch Sperm Wars, the 1997 one or the 2006?

http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Evolutionary-Logic-Love/dp/0465081800/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1371143460&sr=8-2&keywords=Sperm+Wars

http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371143460&sr=8-1&keywords=Sperm+Wars

Sperm Wars by Robin Baker.

Blew my fucking mind when I read it.

People will inevitably disagree with this, but with current technology offering anybody a paternity test that only costs about $200 including lab fees AND the test only requires a cheek swab (no blood), I AM GOING TO PATERNITY TEST EVERY KID I HAVE (if I ever have kids). I might love her to death, I might trust her as much as I can trust another person, but I simply can not NOT do this with what I know about how often this happens (around 10% of all kids born are not the biological child of the man who's name ends up on the birth certificate, the number's the same for husband/wife couples where the husband thinks the kid is his: about 10% of the time it's not).

Check out a book called Sperm Wars: http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254206435&sr=8-1

There's a VERY good chance that your dad is not your biological father.

Sorry if I seem curt, but I know about oxytocin and all that jazz. I read Sperm Wars, Dangerous Passion, and whatever the heck else is required by psych classes. A point I would like to make is that our sexuality isn't monogamous or polyamourous by evolution. People like to read psych books and conclude that we are poly or mono amorous to confirm their own choice.

The truth, as I see it from those texts, is that humans evolved from deceivers. We do we we can get away with, trying to spread our genes as much as possible. Monogamy or polyamory are just strategies employed to achieve this goal, cast of at a moment in favor of gene spreading deception. A polyamourous partner can go outside the relationship just as a monogamous partner can.

It may seem strange that I care so much and I am getting away from the original argument, but I want to drive home that we are not the "prehuman monstrosity" we evolved from. We can stay faithful because, even though it might be in our genetic interest not to, we really care about someone. We are not our genes.

>Laughter to begin with was probably glee at the misfortunes of others. The baring of teeth in laughter hints at its savage ancestry. Animals have no malice, hence also no laughter. They never savor the sudden glory of schadenfreude. It was its infectious quality which made laughter a medium of mutuality.

>Beasts are not beastly. The evil of dehumanization is not that it turns us into animals but turns us into the malignant prehuman monstrosity from which man evolved. -Eric Hoffer

/rant

Ahh, so I'm not the only one who's read Sperm Wars.

Actually, actual evidence (source) seems to suggest that a single episode of cheating can have a much higher chance of conception because our bodies' biology is fucked up like that and would sometimes prefer to cuckold one man with a supposedly better man's genes given a single opportunity. Along the same lines, apparently our sperm make a little extra effort if we ourselves fuck around... many of us understand the lure and excitement of a little "strange" and that's why... in both cases you're putting the cost of spreading your genes well on someone else and of course your body finds that very exciting.

This is even more of a reason to leave someone for fucking around though as if a woman's body is telling her to fuck other men that are apparently better for her then clearly you are not that man.

blinks. He's a tenured behavioural psychologist citing well known research. When you read peer reviewed papers they're often hyper focused on a particular facet of human attraction and so you're better off reading a book or listening to an expert distil it down.

Also, in particular, which arguments do you want sources for? I've made many.

A most fascinating book that comes to mind is called "Why women have sex" and based on interviews with 1400 women.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Women-Have-Sex-Everything/dp/0312662653/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1495828392&sr=8-1&keywords=why+women+have

Here are some other links.

https://www.amazon.com/Evolution-Desire-Strategies-Human-Mating/dp/0465097766/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0465097766&pd_rd_r=VYY1T032QJ8Z4939ECE5&pd_rd_w=rTQyP&pd_rd_wg=6yFrD&psc=1&refRID=VYY1T032QJ8Z4939ECE5



https://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489/ref=pd_sim_14_6?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1560258489&pd_rd_r=VYY1T032QJ8Z4939ECE5&pd_rd_w=rTQyP&pd_rd_wg=6yFrD&psc=1&refRID=VYY1T032QJ8Z4939ECE5

good point, but the main thing isn't pheromones. it's whatever conveys high social status, which you can convey with a strong mix of confidence and humor.

read Sperm Wars for more

Sperm Wars. Check it out, it's a great book.

http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489/ref=pd_cp_b_0

I've read it. It's evolutionary psyche/behavioral psyche. Not a bad read, but Ridley comes across more as a pop-science author than an actual scientist.

I liked this and this much more.

My wife bought a book all about this kind of thing called Sperm Wars. It talks about the adaptive reasons for behaviour like this, and each chapter has a sexy vignette example. For instance, girls that say no but mean yes (at least for a little while).

http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1250015521&sr=8-1

Sex

The Way of Men – Jack Donovan***
Sperm Wars – Robin Baker
Sex at Dawn – Christopher Ryan
Why Men Rule – Steven Goldberg
The Manipulated Man – Esther Vilar
Is There Anything Good About Men? – Roy Baumeister
Demonic Males – Dale Peterson
The Essential Difference – Simon Baron-Cohen
The Mating Mind – Geoffrey Miller
The Red Queen – Matt Ridley

****

Government

Mau-mauing the Flak Catchers – Tom Wolfe
Public Choice: An Introduction – Iain McLean
On Government Employment – Foseti (blog post)
Yes, Minister – TV Show

****

​

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560

I appreciate that. It just seems bizarre that men are told to act like assholes while woman are told to act like bitches to obtain the interest of the opposite sex. Some of the bits in this article were really quite funny to me, though. I'm a single girl in a big city (happily). It was, overall, an interesting read.

Have you seen this book?

It’s a best seller. For almost two decades.

Surprise!

Women and men aren’t too different.

We’re all just people.

And we all want the same thing: sex, love, companionship.

Understand that powerful desire and your game will be good.

> Ironic, isn't it then that the reason why men tell each other to act like assholes is to attract women

I haven't read these, but I guess they're the female equivalent:

Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches

I was recommended the same book by two different friends, I read it and it really changed the whole way I looked at relationships, and I learned how to play the game...

I strongly recommend you check it out:

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560

https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033

• Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis
  
  
• Starting Strength: Basic Barbell Training, 3rd edition

Not a psychologist (even better imo, a psychiatrist) but Games People Play by Eric Berne, M.D. is the best book I've ever read about the lowest level of human social interaction.

If anyone here is interested in human social interaction explained in a very Ti way, (by a brilliant INFJ) this book is absolutely a must-read.

Re TA, here's a good starter (well more than actually)

https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500229632&sr=8-1&keywords=games+people+play

Agreed, definitely feel like I'm walking on eggshells when discussing the matter.

In regard to "The Games People Play," is this the edition you're referring to?

https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033

Games People Play by Eric Berne, M.D.

Read the table of contents. It's a pretty exhaustive list.

> Customers of hers blame her (her company representative) for things that are out of her control - things that other people in her company did. Lately, sometimes they yell at her.

First, I’m here to listen and all that.

Second, ask, “why do you think that happens?”

Third:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345410033/ref=mh_s9_acsd_simh_c_x_3_w?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=mobile-hybrid-10&pf_rd_r=DEMVB1ZMZE1NMV9E6XYM&pf_rd_t=1201&pf_rd_p=71d72ce8-46f3-4412-8776-d8cede792a85&pf_rd_i=283155

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B078Q463RB/ref=sspa_mw_detail_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Fourth: encourage her to be more assertive and give her positive reinforcement when she is more assertive.

The hallmark of an abusive relationship is someone who is afraid of helping their partner become more assertive, and even punishes assertiveness. You want to build her up and support her building that aspect of herself up.

I think a lot of these kinds of problems are caused because of lack of boundaries at work, which are themselves permitted because the employee lacks assertiveness.

“Insubordination” does not have the same definition in civilian employment as it does in the military. “Scrub the toilets with your mouth, that’s an order!” doesn’t result in imprisonments and criminal punishment following refusal. Further, termination for refusal is a basis for collecting unemployment.

Be terrified of the boss that’s nice to you. They don’t need you. A chihuahua barks louder and more often than a Czechoslovakian wolf dog. It’s called overcompensating. They are aware of how important she is in the role she’s occupying. They are threatened by how important and vital she is. So, defensively, they want to at least make her doubt that and even believe that she’s incompetent or sub-par, to shatter her confidence and keep her in place, or at the very least, feel like they’re squeezing her for every last drop of work she can produce in an hour.

She needs to put what’s happening to her in context, and also think about if this is something that can get better ... or if this is a toxic environment she wants to eventually plan her escape from.

end psychodrama

That was all psychodrama. When people complain to you, they’re looking for comfort, not solutions to their problems. They just want to fee like someone cares enough to listen, support them, agree with them, and offer them a sound board and narrative that makes them feel like the victim ... with suggestions that might help them find the strength to no longer the victim anymore.

> She's had to work after normal work hours on multiple occasions the past few weeks due to time zone differences.

Meet her after work on some of those days. Have her favorite sweet stuff and coffee or tea for when she gets out. Drive her somewhere so you guys can relax, or straight home so she can collapse without having to worry about taking public transportation or staying awake to safely drive home.

> It's caused her to be stressed out even when not working.

Help her not think about work when she is with you. Life is full of stress. It will always be full of stress. It will always have important things that warrant our anxiety and attention. But none of those things has to consume us 24/7. An extra 4 hours of being on our mind is not going to help us change or get rid of the problem right now or tomorrow.

Imagine a computer or your phone. Imagine it’s running stress.exe and worrying.exe in the background ALL THE TIME! From time to time, those applications throw out unexpected pop ups and consume your whole screen. You can’t play games or watch videos. Your computer is too slow to run other programs. You’ve basically lost your computer.

Well, that’s your life. And if you don’t set boundaries for yourself and allow yourself to enjoy a few dedicated time for yourself each day ... then life is just going to pass you by, and you would have been nothing more than an organic biological worker robot.

I know it’s hard, but I’m here to help. And we’re going to start by going to ____ this weekend (or tonight). And I want you to try and be present, stop punishing yourself and being a Debby downer, and give yourself permission to .. at a minimum ... relax. You don’t have to have fun, but at a minimum, I want you to give yourself permission to de-stress, relax and unwind. Do you think you can do that?

> She doesn't enjoy or feel fulfilled by what she does even when it's not going this badly.

Of course not. That’s your mind telling you, “this place is toxic and making me feel emotionally burned out, there are no positives here, why am i still here?”

Would you still feel that way if you were able to set boundaries and be more assertive? If you find out that the answer is yes, then, you know that you have to start coming up with a plan to transition out of there.

https://pandaplanner.com/products/panda-planner-pro

I got this for you. I know it’s just paper, but it’s scientific. Try using it as often as you can remember to. If you do, maybe it’ll just end up being a planner for you. But there’s a chance that it may help you discovery and clarify what makes you feel good, and what things you actually enjoy. Fun and happiness, those don’t really exist in the way most people think they do. But feeling positive and things we enjoy, although basic concepts, those things are real and more easily identifiable. Because of that, it’s clearer for us to know which direction to take more consistently in order to increase how positive we feel and how much time we spend enjoying things.

> Please don't tell me you believe this shit.
> whole article, beyond being obvious bullshit

Its an excerpt from the book “Games People Play” by Dr Eric Berne - the originator of transactional analysis.

> regret reading that whole article
Still, kudos for not tl;dr. I recommend reading the whole book to get full picture.

Ah, I didn’t know you were in the room with them and had this info. Why didn’t you and OP post this together from the beginning.

I’m not a cheating apologist. Just letting some of the commenters here know that there are more relationship styles than committed monogamous lifetime partners.

And ethical non-monogamy isn’t cheating.

There are tons of resources for those curious about the fact that plenty of folks are looking beyond lifetime monogamous partners:

r/sex

Savage Lovecast podcast

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Sex with Emily podcast

Well, I am not even such a horn dog in ordinary life, I just try to take every opportunity - and if you make yourself known as sex-loving, word gets around.

For real, one of my FWB's beats me to being sexual hands down. I've never ever - not once - seen her in a mood that would prevent sex. Whenever we are together, I can literally touch her at any minute and she'll be ready within a minute. I've never heard her complain about orgasm difficulties (and I have no reason to suspect she's faking it). It's great, but it also tells me how big the range between low/ordinary and supercharged sex drive must be. And I know her hubby and her had some relationship troubles because he felt intimidated - can't blame him to be honest. He's truly happy for her when we meet for a weekend because she'll be glowing for days - not because I am worlds best lover, but because I can keep up for like two or three days.

Which brings me to another point - there are different "schools" on how much contact there should be between partners. You have the "poly-tribes" or even "sister wifes" where contact is expected to be rather close. On the other hand, lots of (exp. men) try to keep it all separate and just will be gone for the night and not tell. I don't go to either extreme, but believe more in the former than the latter. I like to at least know the husbands of my partners and I like my gf to get to know other partners as well.

There's a stack of literature out there, for instance The Ethical Slut, maybe it would be worth reading some books?

Honestly, talk to him. That's the best way to figure this out. If you don't want the relationship to end then tell him that, but at the same time tell him how you truly feel about the situation.
Maybe you guys can start an open relationship if both of you are in the same boat. It seems you both like each other, but let's be honest, sometimes we want to fuck other people and that's okay!

And tell your brother to stay away from your man if you feel like it!

I highly recommend these books:
· Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344295X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KUJACb1TCC91K

· The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_iVJACbHYG8XA0

I like the idea of this thread, and it's thoughtful for you to put the effort into trying to help someone in this state.

> I told him that there is no way what he’s saying is true and he needs to stop believing that about himself and I also shared how there are plenty of people who will see value in you when you see value in yourself as corny as that sounds.

As a general rule, I'm not a fan of just do XYZ advice. That's not a critique; it takes time, and not everybody can invest much into this. I think it was thoughtful for you to offer an compassionate ear. I sometimes like to ask questions about what people do for fun. I do this for two reasons: first, it encourages people to check in with themselves. What am I doing? What would I like to do? How am I socializing? What is keeping me from it? It also teaches people that they can check in with others, which is the foundation for building a connection with people.

And that leads to another point: sometimes people simply feel alone, and view sex as a kind of validation. That's where therapy comes into play: sex is fun. Sex is social. Sex is a thing that partners can share. But if sex is an ends to a means for proving something, then it's no longer a shared experience between partners. It makes those partners into gatekeepers, and that's a distorted view (and incidentally another good reason to see a therapist: to work through the underlying reasons that someone might be experiencing this distortion).

>...there are plenty of people who will see value in you when you see value in yourself as corny as that sounds.

It's easy to slip into the mindset that this needs to be a paradox: how can one love themselves if others don't? How will others know how to love you if you can't love yourself? I know that a while back I needed help, but I couldn't quantify it. All I could do was acknowledge that whatever I was doing at the time just wasn't working. Therapy helped me and two years later my window shifted all over: I date actively now, I go out and strike up conversations, and my old defeatist self would have never taken the exams I'm taking, and I'm about to take my eighth in three months... and in the wake of a very expensive failure. What keeps me going? Learning to forgive myself when I fuck up. How does one do that? I'd like to say that it comes from developing a healthy relationship between yourself, your goals, and how you mediate between them without trying to please the ghosts of your past, but I don't know if others have had the experiences that I've had. But back to the point: sex and dating are one piece of a whole.

It's ok to feel disappointed. The challenge is learning how to deal with those feelings in a way that acknowledges that you're not alone but also respects your feelings as your feelings.

Anyway, that's a lot of statement. Here are some thoughts to your actual question about resources.

Resources:
---

I tried to structure this list around ease-of-access - that is: easy to read/watch.

Planned Parenthood - Virginity

Planned Parenthood does a great job discussing the various means through which people can lose virginity. What I like about this resource is that it points out that virginity itself can be arbitrary.

SoNotable: I think there are a few types of virginity, including innocence (not knowing what sex is, lost when you regularly watch porn and develop an understanding of the concept of sex), partnered (Never having had sex with a partner, lost when you are intimate with a partner), and shared (the first time you sleep with somebody/ies and get through the initial "how do we communicate"-isms).

---

How to Lose your Virginity

A documentary of sorts that describes the concept and history of virginity. It's mainly told from the perspective of young women, but the concepts discussed applies to young men as well.

---

The Ethical Slut

Is it counter-intuitive to suggest a book to virgins that discusses polyamorous relationships? I don't think so. This book focuses on emotional honesty and makes talking about sex a lot easier. Virgins can (and should learn to be) sex-positive.

---

Web: GirlsAskGuys.com

This is a site that encourages people to ask and answer questions, and has a fairly balanced population. If someone has a question that they feel might be gender-specific, it makes it easier to know who is answer from which perspective.

---

The Guide to Getting It On

While I wouldn't recommend reading a 900+ page sex manual cover to cover, this book is great because it covers a ton about sex, including things that might cause anxiety or stage fright. I've loaned my copy out to friends who've confided in me, and it's helped them. It also does a good job of normalizing sex-talk.

---

I'm currently studying a lot and focusing on personal development, but I want to expand this reading list once I've finished my current side project. In the mean time I'm sure others can add a few items.

I hope this offers some ideas that you can take and use. Also, most of my suggestions relate to sex and sexuality from a man's perspective; adding some resources for woman would be greatly appreciated :)

General Resources around Masculinity

The Good Men Project

/r/MensLib is a subreddit that discusses masculinity and politics in a constructive, pro-feminist voice. I like this sub because it encourages discussion of masculinity as a non-zero-sum game.

Also: someone recently told me about a sportsball player (I think Basketball?) who started discussing masculinity and hosting retreats for men. I believe his name was Chae or Shae or something like that. I'd appreciate if someone could help me figure this out, as I'd started reading briefly before getting sidetracked.

* hugs * Sorry you're feeling bad about yourself. FWIW, nothing you've said so far warrants the self-incrimination you're feeling, in my opinion. You're not hurting anyone, you're not breaking your word, and you seem to be having a good time.

Keep in mind that if you're raised in the US, there are many old and powerful forces that push the idea that sex--especially sex for money--is dirty and shameful.

These forces try inject these ideas into your mind from the time you're just a little kid, before your brain is fully developed and capable of defending itself. It's these ideas are the cause of your disgust and self-hatred.

However, you don't have to listen to these ideas. You can boot them from your brain, and replace them different, better ideas.

Here's a few books you might find helpful:

• Ethical Slut - by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
  
  
• Thriving in Sex Work: Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex Industry by Lola DaVina
  
  
• A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by William B. Irvine
  

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Welcome to /r/PolyamoryR4R. This is an ethical and respectful community.

Here are some resources you might find helpful in creating and keeping healthy, ethical poly relationships:

Books: More than Two, and The Ethical Slut.

Podcasts: Polyweekly.com, and Multiamory.com.

Websites: MoreThanTwo.com

Subreddits: /r/Polyamory

We take a hard stance against unicorn hunting.

Couples looking for a unicorn will often say they want someone to "join" their family. Poly triads are not (AB)+C. C isn't "joining" anything. You all will create something completely new; four different relationships that all need time and attention. A+B (as with any major life change, your relationship dynamic will probably shift), B+C, A+C, and A+B+C. Imposing unethical, unfair dynamics on a partner may lead to your removal from this subreddit.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

i'm trying it IRL

Protecting the Gift is also a good read.

Protecting the Gift is my go-to recommendation here. It is a fantastic book.

The book he wrote specifically for parents to teach their children is amazing. It really helped my 6 year old know exactly what to do and whom to go to when she got separated from us at a county fair.

Please read "Protecting the Gift" by: Gavin De Becker. http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009
I think all parents should read this book about how to keep children safe. He also has a great book that all women should read called The Gift of Fear.

LynzM wrote:

I know I'm posting two links to the same author in this thread, but I promise they are both worth reading: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)

This will both ease your fears and give you something bigger to worry about: Protecting the Gift
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440509009

Some real down-to-earth options (not happy-sassy, as you said)

The Defining Decade by Meg Jay - why your twenties matter and how to get the most of them

Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin - tackles habit formation, great for adulting/getting things in order

Who Are You, Really? by Brian Little - a short & sweet book that tackles personality theory, I found it useful at this point in my life

awesome book that really changed my ideals and opinions about my age around.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Defining-Decade-Twenties-Matter-And/dp/0446561754

Just don't drink too much coffee ;P

Seriously though, after college I bailed out of the US to live in China for 3 years. I definitely wasn't ready for college and would have benefited from taking some time off. Key word here is "some." Don't burn your bridges under any circumstances. Make sure the university will let you back in. Read that last part again.

Also, read Meg Jay's "The Defining Decade"
https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

Seriously though, read it. I accomplished some things in my 20s, and now I'm back in school for comp sci at a top 25 university, but man do I wish I had wasted less time teaching and working in China. Retail is just about the worst job for an ENTP. It will stress the ever living hell out of you long-term. Repetitive manual labor and meanwhile you're going through an existential crisis because you don't know what you're doing with your life. Been there done that. I didn't learn anything about myself. If you're going to take some time off, make it worthwhile and travel. Do the whole backpacking round the world thing for a year. Explore to the maximum. Let that Ne roam free, feel the wind in your hair. But come back after 1 year. I have a list of the top ranked ENTP occupations based on 421,000 MBTI surveys. PM me if you're interested. Choose something and then move on with your life.

The sage has spoken. LOL.

https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

If you can, talk to a therapist/psychologist/counselor/whatever. If not, you should at least read this: The Defining Decade

Also, you have to actually do something to have your circumstances change. If you keep repeating the same pattern every day, you're going to keep getting the same results and be stuck this way until you're 80. Try to do one small thing differently each day. Go for a walk. Talk to someone at work. Apply for a better job. Pick up someone's shift. Just anything to change the cycle you're stuck in.

It's never too late, but the sooner the better.

And first off, I'm not coming for you! Just sharing some perspective I have really been thinking about over the past months.

In a sense, no there isn't a time limit or 'right path.' But we as a society have allowed ourselves to believe that we suddenly have an extra decade (our twenties) to 'figure it out.'

When our twenties are arguably our most critical years. For a majority of humanity, we have jumped from teenage adolescence straight into adulthood. Where has this extra decade come from? There's a problem where a lot of people put things off because they're "learning about life." By the time these people reach a certain age, they realize they should have been thinking about some major things way earlier in life.

Do you want to be in your mid thirties and struggle with worrying about: graduate school, building a career, having children, etc, all meanwhile our parents are failing in health? By waiting too long, you have to juggle with more challenges and it gets harder and harder.

Again, it's never too late, but the sooner the better. I really implore you guys to read a book titled "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now"

I'm only twenty-two but this book has given me some major perspective and ideas about where I want my life to go. And to be honest, my goals, dreams, and paths are constantly changing. Especially since I'm in my twenties. But at least I'm being conscious of it and not putting it off like I see a lot of my colleagues doing.

Some background, I literally just finished putting myself through college. I mapped out what it is that I wanted and the actions that I needed to accomplish. Since graduating, I have moved to NYC and am an Analyst at a software company. I couldn't be happier right now. I have the rest of my life to "learn [more] about life."

tl;dr The sooner, the better!

Rather than regurgitate what I’ve learned (and possibly take away credit for coming up with ideas), here’s a book I’ve read multiple times and a book I gift to every 20-something https://www.amazon.com/Defining-Decade-Your-Twenties-Matter/dp/0446561754

Funny - I went through a similar transition when I was only a year or two younger than you.

What you need is a goal outside of your relationship - a driving force for yourself and your career, dreams about what kind of kickass life you want to be living, ideas on where you want to travel and live, and plans to make those things happen. You need to be fearless about deciding what you want in life, and all the assertiveness, confidence, and self-reliance that are inherent in womanhood will come as a result of that.

You need to think long and hard about what you want out of life, and then decide to make it happen. Nothing is too grandiose - do you want to live in the South of France? It can happen. Do you want to eventually own your own company? It can happen. The luxury of your age is that you have time to make these things happen.

To me, being a "woman" means you don't give a shit what other people think about you because you've got your goals and desires figures out (but you are still kind and polite). It means that you're life isn't dictated by fear - and it means that you are self-reliant. Therefore, any man, any career choice, any group of friends that comes into your life is evaluated by you according to whether it brings good or bad to the table for you. You don't settle for anything out of convenience.

It comes down to assertiveness, confidence, and a willingness to shamelessly ask for what you want. You already sound intelligent, you just need to learn to be stronger; with strength, you gain sex appeal. Lots of it. All of a sudden, you're a hot item, because you need to be won, you don't seem to just settle for whatever comes your way.

Know your value, know your worth. I can guarantee you it's much higher than you think right now.

Regarding your partner: if you want to still be with him, do so, but it would be a red flag for me if I hadn't had sex for months with my BF - especially at 25. Why spin your wheels at your age with someone who isn't setting you on fire with excitement? I'll tell you why: because you're afraid to leave him.

Don't live your life out of fear. Ever. Dive in full-on, take risks, and push yourself to keep growing.

Read this ridiculous book: Why Men Love B*****s - just get it! It's great, it summarizes the idea of being kind, but also prioritizing yourself first.

Read and complete the exercises in this book: The Assertiveness Workbook - a wonderful, scientifically backed-up personal course in being more assertive.

Read this great book: The Defining Decade

Get better at socializing: How to Win Friends and Influence People

In terms of motivational books to figure out what you want to do with your life? Jesus - there's too many good ones out there. Google any list of "top motivational books", "books about planning life" etc. To start - the books Willpower and Grit were useful for me.

Additionally, there's Brene Brown for a softer approach to finding what you're about as a human being. Braving the Wilderness is a great pick - and for something a bit more direct, read Unfu*k Yourself.

This is going to sound nuts, but read all of these. If you play videogames, stop. If you spend too much time on reddit, stop. Read to pass your time now, and keep growing. These books will help you learn to be strong, sexy, and give you control over your life.

>When she sometimes stay over in the town he lives in, she sleeps in his bed. They have a couch. I don't think things are platonic, and though he tells me that it is. God, his presences drives me int a speculative-crazydom.


DUUUUUUUUUDE. Dude.... Dude? I mean come on. If I was your friend I would slap you in the face. Just know that when you breakup she is doing to get another BF the next day and you need to be mentally prepared for that. She is going to hound you relentlessly after that. Dont look at her instagram/fb/etc. it will only hurt you

Its good that she is in DBT and it will be up to you if you want to completely cut her out of your life or see if she gets any bit better. A relationship should be mutual and this relationship is not.

>I feel like I let myself stagnate. I don't enjoy life.

Nothing more needs to be said. Get out before she destroys whats left of you. On your road to recovery, if you're in your 20's or about to be, I suggest this book, its helped me mentally a lot already even though I read it kind of late (I'm 27).

http://www.amazon.com/The-Defining-Decade-Twenties-Matter-And/dp/0446561754

Yes, this has been the worst time of my life. Who would have thought?

PLEASE GET THIS BOOK

This is an absolute life-changer.

I’m not going to judge you. There’s something judge Judy says: Beauty fades. Dumb is forever. Not calling you dumb, but I hope you are gaining some intellectual capital (in school or something) so that you can bounce back when this ends, because ...trust me...it will...and not likely in your favor.

There’s a book called “the defining decade” The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now https://www.amazon.com/dp/0446561754/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_WNSKDb6G43MZ6

It is totally worth the 10$. I was in a similar (but not identical) situation. This book encouraged me to step out, go to grad school, and the rest is history.

Please, build something for yourself (heck, become a gay escort, a male stripper, or a model, if you plan to rely on your looks)...so that you have something to fall back on when this ends. It bears repeating. It will end...and most likely not in your favour. Much love.

EDIT: if this man and his friends are good people, they might be interested in mentoring you professionally. Can you at least gain some long term professional (eventual long term financial) benefit from this arrangement? You might need to ask creatively...and probably not of him initially if you don’t want to do additional acts. Perhaps one of his friends is in real estate and ...I’ll stop being officious. Good luck.

You're at a transitional point in your life. This is supposed to be the position you are in. May I suggest you check out the book The Defining Decade? It really helped me out when I was at your age and in the same position. Don't worry about girls, they are for later, building yourself should be your primary focus right now.

Do you have more recent papers? As kevinambrosia have said, the environment today is far different than it was even 10 years ago.

I found a great book on this - The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay

+1 For John Gottman's 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. I just read it and was blown away by the solid advice backed by the science of decades of research/observation of couples in Gottman's Love Lab.

He basically says the Mars/Venus book is bollocks.

2 biggest take aways:

1. You need to be each other's best friend. You need to know your wife deeply and be involved and engaged with her on a daily basis. Care about her life.
   
   
2. Your wife and her needs are more important than you and your wants. There are a hundred different things that annoy her or that she wants a specific way and it wouldn't make any difference to you - so remember those things and do them. Even if you have to spend a little extra energy or time - do them. Happy Wife, Happy Life.

To be a more effective gardener, apply science: 7 principals for making marriage work.

And if you are having kids, you better read this, too.

And if you want better sex, there's Passionate Marriage.

It is a standoff. She resents you for emotionally neglecting her, you resent her for sexually depriving you. You don't want to do anything because it doesn't feel natural or authentic. How does it get authentic when it comes from a place of score-keeping and resentment? It may feel awkward and forced in the beginning, but as you get more comfortable and used to expressing yourself and being affectionate with her, maybe it will get easier.

[Since you said you don't like talking...] (https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_3/136-4451667-9163925?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CZ0Y20QEK00JA1FRSQ23)

[Oldie but goodie] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=pd_aw_sim_sbs_351_of_7?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=EWWR2K9HFR8XJGSX0DGR)

[This is a lot of work, but you have to do it together and it might bring you closer] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553447718/ref=sspa_mw_detail_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

[I haven't read this one, but I've read something else with a similar idea (the writers were an English couple but goddamnit I can't think of the title), and maybe you can try the suggestions] (https://www.amazon.com/1001-Ways-Be-Romantic-More-ebook/dp/B004MME71K?keywords=english+romance+couple+ideas&qid=1537541693&sr=8-3&ref=mp_s_a_1_3)

As someone who is currently in couples counseling and who both withdraws, and worries about my partner's reactions to my emotions, I want to echo what /u/zamonie is saying by sharing something I've learned in therapy about "not getting into someone's drama".

If you are constantly worried about other people's needs as a child, then it can make you codependent as an adult. And if you are codependent, then you are overly involved in other people's reactions/emotions AND want to manage their reactions/emotions. You also may not have a great deal of resources for managing your own emotions.

As someone who meets all of the criteria above, one of the most enlightening things that therapy has done for me is to teach me that I am not responsible for other people's emotions (unlike what my Nmom thinks), and they are not responsible for mine.

In practical terms, what this means is that if I had a hard day at work, then I don't get to come home and vent to my partner for 2 hours about what happened. What I get to do is check in with myself about my feelings (anger? frustration? sadness?) and decide how to best cope with the energy from those emotions. This means letting yourself feel them (e.g. not pushing them down or trying to numb or avoid them) and also doing some self-care to deal with the energy, like exercising or meditating or journaling or art or whatever you feel like will help you the most.

If -- after you have done a first pass on your emotional state -- you feel like you want to talk about your hard day at work, then you can seek support from another person. But the reason the order of operations here is important is because going to another person first and unleashing your emotions on them is called DUMPING. You are making it THEIR problem.

When /u/zamonie talked about not getting involved in drama, it reminded me that I used to stir up drama every. single. day. when I would come home from work. My husband would listen to me go on and on about this person or that person or how stupid this misunderstanding was, etc, etc. This was because I had no resources to be with these emotions on my own. Now that I do, I request some time to myself when I come home so he knows what's going on ("Hey - I had kind of a shit day... I think I need some time to myself"), and then I do the things I mentioned above. I deal with my own problems.

So. Why am I telling you all of this. :-) Because, as /u/zamonie said:

>maybe you feel like your partner MUST feel "responsible" or involved for your sadness because you kind of have an automatic idea of THAT'S how relationships work. But maybe that's not actually how this works? And maybe a relationship could actually work better if both partners had this meta-level to themselves where they decide to be solely responsible? I dunno.

This is true. I'm learning this in couples counseling. It's called 'differentiation'. A good book on this topic is Passionate Marriage (read the reviews, they say more than I can). What this means is that as a first pass, you deal with your own feelings about your partner before bringing them to your partner. Not that you never divulge them (I hear that concern in the question about honesty that you posed), but that you work on them yourself first. Then you can get clear about what you want because you aren't all worked up about it.

I wish you all the best as you navigate your relationship -- I understand deeply where you and your partner are coming from. I would also encourage couples counseling, especially someone trained in the Gottman framework (an evidence-based approach to marriage counseling).

A doctor named John Gottman coined this phrase. His book is excellent:

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718

He did research to see if he could identify couples who would divorce based on how they interact. Spoiler: he could.

If a person has a toxic interaction style, they either need to change or to find someone who can tolerate it. Criticism is a hard one to change because it's about feeling powerlessness and greed, two very powerful human emotions.

Once you see it that way though, it makes it easier to avoid.

I haven’t read it yet, so I can’t give a personal endorsement

But my husband and I are getting ready to have our first child and we’ve been talking a lot about how to ensure our relationship is successful

We’re attending a weekend workshop soon by the Gottman Institute

And I keep getting recommended this book

Love is a big piece. If you're looking for more specific guidelines, I really enjoyed The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. He has several books that offer a lot of practical, well researched advice.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_lgIaBb372YD2T
The seven principles for making marriage work by John Gottman

Pick up a copy of How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. I read it every couple of years for the past decade and it has really helps to make sure you are actually able to live your life outside of your job. It's short and sweet, each principle comes with a small anecdote or story to help illustrate ways to not let stress put you in an early grave. Enjoy your summer, bro!

I don't think he means 10 close friends. Just 10 acquaintances, a big difference.

But if you want to feel better, I suggest reading this book, or at least researching it.

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> I can completely relate to your worries.

Worries? I hate them, or hated them. I don't have that many anymore.

Here is a book which helped me kill, banish or get rid of worry. Use whichever verb you prefer. The book is worth its cost.

How To Stop Worrying and Start Living, by Dale Carnegie

A pop doesn't necessarily have to be anything bad at all. In fact it's pretty easy and harmless to force a pop by trying to exhale through your nose while pinching it (great tip for when flying). If you're really worried or have other symptoms, you could go to the doctor. But I'd be willing to bet you're perfectly fine.

Off-topic, but this book did a lot for me as cheesy as it may sound. Might not be applicable for you at all, but just thought I'd throw it out there: http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

Merry Christmas soon enuf =)

This is a really good book to read that touches upon what you just talked about.

Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is a classic. A bit dated today, perhaps, and not the most in-depth or scientific option, but the basic principles all still apply. And it's a great way to really get a solid practical grasp on your anxiety issues and start working on them immediately by taking concrete steps. Carnegie is excellent at keeping the reader engaged and putting his advice into easily understandable and relatable terms. I still think of his "day-tight compartments" metaphor all the time.

Book recommendation: How to stop worrying and start living. Here's an old online pdf. You can get the book through Amazon. I've got a copy with key parts underlined which I read every now and then. Good problem solving and mind reframing stuff.

Here's another one for your list:

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1417105962&sr=8-5&keywords=bitch