(Part 2) Best healthy relationships books according to redditors
We found 16,936 Reddit comments discussing the best healthy relationships books. We ranked the 2,607 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 21-40. You can also go back to the previous section.
Well this seems like a good opportunity to post a few of the lessons I learned in my 20s.
To my former self:
If you're depressed, here's how to turn it around
Fap less, and never to porn
Gratitude
Wealth
Theories
Girls
Career
Flow
Meditation
*****
Edit:
To answer some requests, here's my list of resources.
Wealth/Metaphysics
This audiobook has the best summary I've found of how wealth works
Lifting
How Procrastination works:
How Business works
What innovation actually is and how to do it:
How economics works:
How to get things done:
Task Management tool:
Spiritual Books
How to be a man:
Audiobooks (most of these can be found on audiobook):
Frame Control (Anytime you feel like you're trying too hard or begging for something, you lost the frame)
This is my favourite book of all. They talk about the new type of conscousness which is really really interesting to me. May not apply to all people.
If anyone find this book interesting I'd love to talk about it:
How the world works:
It’s men who think being nice to a woman is the way into her pants. Typically, they are only nice to people they want something from. That’s why a lot of people view them as manipulative as well. This is usually due to the “nice guy” not wanting to sexualize the women, often in an effort to try to set themselves apart. Problem is, they forget women are sexual too and don’t necessarily disqualify someone for being insinuative. No sexual tension(I’m using the phrase loosely) means no attraction. They don’t realize this and because they were nice and expected sex in return, they lash out.
I think that’s what I’ve gathered over the years of hearing the term.
Edit: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW
All of your solutions involve disconnecting from her and disconnecting her from the world. You can't then turn around and expect her to happily and cooperatively work with you.
I'm phoneposting while on vacation so I'm not going to get deep into this, but let me recommend my favorite books on the subject: The Explosive Child and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
> MIL and FIL share an email address, a cell phone, and even go to the bathroom together.
HURK. That
sortadefines enmeshment.DH needs to read and re-read When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
You and LO are more important than DH's mother. Sadly, he doesn't behave like it, even if he pays lip service.
His mother has done a number on him with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She is a master gaslighter / manipulator. I'll guess that she's been doing it her entire adult life (and likely back into childhood); she's extremely competent - and that's sad.
Will it's not DH's fault, it's his adult responsibility - to himself, you and LO - to overcome the programming she's instilled in him. Reading, pondering and re-reading these two books, doing the exercises they contain and letting them illuminate his circumstances could be helpful.
Check out harry potter and the methods of rationality.
Read/Learn Non Violent Communication
Start to [Meditate] (http://humanistsofmn.org/127-better-critical-thinking-through-meditation)
Philosophy - "love of wisdom"
Read about rationality/critical thinking
Learn about the common [cognitive biases] (http://www.businessinsider.com/cognitive-biases-2014-6?op=1) and [logical fallacies] (https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/)
Create some rationality habits
Learn about the ways Marketing/propaganda is used to influence you
The Trivium
Advance warning: I'm only an anthropology undergrad. I am very near to graduating, though, and looking into advanced degrees and a research career in gender and sexuality. This is my passion.
Looking at the promiscuous (according to Westerners) sexual behavior of egalitarian foragers (which humans were for the majority of our existence), and looking at the behavior of the Bonobo, our nearest living relative, and finally looking at the way that both of us use oxytocin to ease social bonding...
It seems pretty obvious. So that we can have sex whenever we want. It's a good strategy. Sex is an enjoyable act that nearly all humans love. It's relaxing, it's great for forming emotional bonds (note: not necessarily romantic bonds, as most today would know them), and it produces children. It keeps things running smoothly, which is important in an egalitarian society.
Infanticide was pretty common in prehistory. The sheer number of infant remains seriously skews life expectancy data, actually, leading to the myth that prehistoric people didn't live past 30. It's not that these people were horrible, just that they couldn't feed every child they brought into the world. Foraging keeps a pretty hard limit on population growth. They didn't have the means to safely conduct abortions, and many, if not most people didn't grasp the connection between sex and pregnancy. This is understandable for people who are having a lot of sex with multiple people in their <120-ish person band; pregnancy would seem like something that just starts happening once a woman reaches a certain age.
But despite all the infanticide—or perhaps because of it—a child which is chosen to be kept has a very good chance for survival. With no parternity certainty, promiscuous foragers tend to care for all of the band's children; not just their own. They grow up with a great deal of social support. In a group dynamic like this, promiscuity is an advantageous behavior.
There's a great book on human sexuality that I would recommend reading. Not buying, unless you really dig it (I did). Just check it out at the library or flip through it over coffee at Barnes and Noble or something. Or, hell, pirate an ebook if you can find one. It's called Sex At Dawn, and I found it to be a pretty solid interdisciplinary analysis of the research thus far. It's written to the layman—in that it avoids jargon and keeps a playful tone—but it's quite informative, particularly if you follow along with the end notes. They go into much greater detail there. Also of value are the references. I've only just begun going through those.
He has been trained and manipulated since childhood to always give in to her, that her wants and feelings are more important than anyone else's including his own. That she is always right.
That he was willing to move away is a hopeful sign, and that he ignores half of what she says. But he is still in the FOG and his normal meter is off.
If you have not checked out the book list, it has many resources that could help. You may want to read 'Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You '
It seems like there's some pretty deep wounds there. If I had to hazard a guess, he was probably pretty emotionally manipulative, am I right? So here's the thing- People who are good at emotional manipulation will leave you feeling COMPLETELY GODDAMN INSANE. They create almost a feeling of addiction in the people they manipulate- it makes no sense and you can hate the shit out of it but it still works. They do this by using intermittent reinforcement with their approval and affection, and our brains pick this up like it's crack. In the absence of being able to predict what actions will bring reward, we almost panic, and end up behaving in ways that don't make sense to even ourselves. People like that can take totally normal, healthy people and make them feel like they're going insane.
Breathe. It's your brain responding the way brains naturally responds to intermittent reinforcement in intensely stressful situations. Your brain has created this link that he will provide approval and affection if you can only get the pattern right, and you're trying to get that dopamine hit from his affection and approval by any means you can think of. You're not broken, you're not fucked up in the head, your brain is doing one of the annoying little things that brains do sometimes and you will be okay without him. I know that's really hard to fathom, but think of it like this: your dopamine rush when you got affection and attention from him was so strong that your brain is almost literally treating him like an addiction. It's not love, your brain has been conditioned by his manipulation into a state of obsession. Intermittent reinforcement is the strongest reinforcement pattern, and lasts long after it feels like it "should" have ceased.
I think it might hit NT types even a little harder than other types, because our Fi is so intense but very difficult to express and explain, and we pride ourselves so strongly on our rationality. We often lock our feelings up because they can be so vicious and blistering, so when we let anyone in and we get that first hit of approval, our brain kind of loses its shit and knocks us sideways and sucks the air out of our lungs. Our brains are so pattern hungry that intermittent reinforcement is almost irresistible- we want to figure out the pattern, we feel like we've almost got it, if only we could put in the last piece.
So, if you're looking for a hint as to what the pattern is, it's control. It's not random. He will give you a breadcrumb as long as he wants to string you along, dropping one every time you start to distance yourself even a little. Learn about the cycle of abuse, especially narcissistic abuse, and you'll find the answer there. From breadcrumbs to freezing out to love bombing, it's a pattern designed to fuck with your brain and make you lose your emotional balance.
You will heal. It will feel better, but the only way out is through. Face your inner emotional damage, whatever you've got, and learn more about your own emotional processing- enough to understand how you tick and what sets off this kind of reaction in your brain. Keep talking to your therapist. Start reading books on emotional abuse patterns and on psychology, find your pattern there instead of in him.
You'll be okay. You know at some level you will be. Soldier through and work on your internal stuff and you'll get there, and will be better for it. Use your brain to beat your own brain on this.
-----
Edit: OP, look up Complex PTSD and see if it strikes a chord. A good book if you're looking for one for is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, and resources for adult children of alcoholics would probably be pretty helpful. I would definitely recommend trauma therapy- it is probably your best bet for longer term healing, even if you do DBT first. EMDR may help, too, if you can find a therapist who works with it (many trauma therapists do). If you dissociate at all, try grounding techniques like this to get back to your more rational center. If anxiety is a big part of it for you, it's highly treatable with therapy focusing on tools and techniques to calm and ground yourself, and there are TONS of resources on the internet.
Your emotions may not make sense to you, but they aren't illogical, they exist to guide you and to give you information about the world. They may be out of proportion, but that's due to the thought processes you have and the story you're telling yourself. They're perfectly proportional to what your thoughts/self-talk are saying to you, so you have to adjust the internal dialogue to be more objective in order to make your emotions more useful and in proportion. Buddhism as a philosophy is great for helping with this, it's like the softer side of Stoicism with more focus on being kind and present. A good book on finding and correcting cognitive distortions (the self-talk that makes your emotions go nuts) is Feeling Good by David Burns (It's almost DBT lite).
Don't make blanket statements. Don't say "you never care about anything I say." Say "I feel like you weren't really listening to me when I was talking earlier." Don't make it an attack on each other's character, just address the specific problem.
Don't make contemptuous statements, either. Respect each other and stick to talking about the problem, not tearing each other down or being manipulative.
Make "repair attempts." If things are going a really negative direction, find something that'll stop it and return you guys to a more positive state of mind. This can range from an explicit "I think we should both calm down and come back to this" to making a silly face or hugging your SO. Find a way to de-escalate the situation.
Edit: if you guys want to know where I got this advice, read this book. My SO and I are reading it pre-marriage and it's awesome.
Omg. That’s hilarious. Ahh it would be so great if you could counter with another prominently displayed book with an accusatory title.
Something like this maybe?
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
Hey, so I have a similar story. My family was a picture perfect middle class home with two parents and three kids. We were good kids who got good grades. I thought we were normal. Everyone envied the house I grew up in and my stay-at-home-mom.
Now when I tell them my parents are divorced and I haven't spoken to my mother in nearly 4 years (shit does time fly) I mostly get double takes. Narcs are SO GOOD at appearances and manipulations it's scary. I really want to emphasize that you are a victim here, your feelings of guilt are because you're a human with feelings who feels bad. Unlike a Narc who only cares about themselves.
If I read your post correctly, you're female. So I highly recommend the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride. It really helped me when I was starting to escape the FOG. I read everything I could get my hands on, there are great resources in the sidebar of this sub. Out of the Fog is a great website, very informative.
Personally, my mother is actually diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder with features of Borderline Personality and reading up on those was immensely helpful in understanding her behaviors. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and attachment disorder. I really recommend you find a counselor who specializes in this kind of thing; mine helped me through a lot of the mess in sorting out feelings from reality and rewiring my brain to not cope, but live.
TL;DR: Run.
This reminds me of a story I read recently on another forum where a woman's husband of something like 20 years up and decided he wanted to be polyamorous (open relationships with multiple lovers). To make matters worse, he and everyone else (including her therapist) were telling her she should be more "loving" and "accepting" of his decision and remain in the (now open) marriage with him. She was completely devastated. This seems to be the tone of some of the responses here and frankly I find it sickening because this advice could potentially be pretty destructive to you if you buy into it.
I think you feeling NOT OK about your girlfriend becoming a stripper is completely valid and that MOST PEOPLE would feel the SAME way. I know I would. I support people being strippers, and I support people going to strip clubs, but it's just not for me. If you are really not OK with this, then I think it would be healthiest for you to fully accept your feelings and to make it a bottom line that if she continues she'll be ending the relationship. END OF DISCUSSION. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. People typically only want to "discuss" it or to have you explain yourself so they can manipulate you into changing your mind. If you're NOT OK with it then I think it would be in your best interest to put your foot down and tell her so and not discuss it further. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD REASON OR ANY AT ALL. If you don't like it, then you don't like it. That's how it is. Her friend doesn't need to be apart of the discussion either because it's none of her fucking business.
I don't CARE if it's 2012 - you DO NOT have to support her decision. What a crock of BS. I could understand you supporting her and STILL breaking up with her because it's NOT OK with you, but you DO NOT have to support her decision AND still continue in a relationship with her. You don't have to let ANYONE manipulate you into believing this is OK if it's NOT OK with you.
And frankly, I'm less concerned with her wanting to be a stripper and more with HOW she has approached this. She straight up abused you to manipulate you into supporting her decision. It sounds to me like she already made up her mind and was just letting you know about her decision (which is BS). She didn't like you disagreeing with her, so she became irrationally angry with you, called you names, gave you bullshit excuses why this is "good" (for her), and she even used her friend to gang up on you and try and make you feel sick and crazy about how you feel. This is disgusting behavior and a recipe for a very unhappy life for you if you continue with her. I would shut these toxic, unhealthy tactics down completely - you do NOT deserve this treatment. Throw your bottom lines on the table and walk away. A bottom line isn't up for discussion. If she continues, then follow through and walk away. I think it's as simple as that.
Even if you ultimately determine that you don't have a problem with her stripping, my concern is that she's shown you how she handles major decisions - she makes them, lets you know about them (no discussion) and if you communicate your dislike of her decision, she'll abuse you until you back down and allow her to do what she wants. You're NOT being a progressive, open and understanding man by being so "cool" about this and by not getting angry. Getting angry relative to her actions here would be TOTALLY understandable and healthy. You don't have to do anything violent, but maybe that anger would motivate you into kicking her to the curb and maybe you'd be happier you did, rather than sticking around for her to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants and you better just like it or else. There are many people out there who would never think to just up and make major life decisions like this and abuse you for not liking it. You deserve better then this, but better probably isn't going to come along until you DECIDE to stop putting up with toxic bullshit.
If you're really ambivalent about this relationship, I recommend reading Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This book helped me tremendously, especially chapter 14 on RESPECT.
Good luck.
This makes me really sad. I know there are women out there who never want to give birth, and more power to them. The world would be a better place if people who didn't want to becomes parents stay child free.
But for those who do want to have children one day, our society has bombarded us with all the goriest horror stories because they make catchy headlines.
Part of the problem is that birth has become synonymous with laying on your back in a hospital, possibly the worst position you could be in. You're fighting gravity which can cause tearing and undue pain. Plus, being spread out in front of strangers does cause most people to feel some modesty, and for many women, just as most mammals, there is an intense desire to find a small quiet place to give birth. Call it a left over survival instinct.
If you or anyone reading this is scared of child birth but does wish to have a biological child, I'd encourage you to read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth or watch Pregnant in America or the Business of Being Born (both streaming on Netflix), to hear another side of birth.
So proud of you. You’ve got this. Stay diligent. Know this: It’s going to get worse. Make sure your daughter’s doctors and childcare know about your mom. Password protect discussing your daughter. Put it in writing, have them sign it. Research grandparents rights in your state. You are clearly resourceful, but I am assuming you do not have the resources she has.
I will get this ball rolling. Your mom was and is abusive. She is likely a narcissist. I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. Your mom is relentless. Your mom follows the prototypical pattern of an emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissistic parent.
2 books I highly recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Those books are printed validation. It is so easy to accept that you were abused if you were physically beaten. If can be so much harder to accept you were abused if you weren’t. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t hit you. I grew up with Parents who fed, clothed, and educated me. They never hit me (from what I can remember). But without a doubt they were psychologically and emotionally abusive, and I didn’t figure that out until I was 38, partly because of the conditioning of the abuse.
These reddit communities are strong, experienced, empathetic, brilliant, and present. They will help you see the patterns and develop tools. They will help you set and enforce boundaries. They will listen and give you incredible advice and support, even though they don’t know you, because, in reality, they do know you. And your mom. And your situation. And the patterns. And the way out.
You’ve done so much. You will have to do more. You are not alone.
Your situation is a classic case represented in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
I hate shilling for anything, but this book is a goldmine. Has even helped me to communicate with the missus.
I'm sorry dude, but you are getting a lot of terrible advice here, and I would know.
The way you describe this, it sounds like all the aspects of you that make you a man have been sucked out or worn away. I'm not saying that in some sort of men vs women situation, but rather speaking purely from an attraction point of view. Women are attracted to men. Particularly manly men, but not in the stereotype you might be thinking. Masculinity. Your wife doesn't initiate? And doesn't come? Part of that is probably because of her job. It is probably stressful and a lot of work.
But if you feel like this:
> I feel trapped and soul-sapped. I feel powerless. I feel like pre-cancer-diagnosis Walter White. And, at the same time, I feel guilty for feeling like this
Don't you think she would pick up on that? I'm not saying she won't/doesn't love you, but how could she be attracted to you when you feel like that?
So now how to fix it. Firstly, this book is a lifesaver: http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
Read the reviews. There's nothing hugely wrong with your life choices themselves, or the way you treat your wife. To the contrary of what the top upvoted posted said, a weekend to reconnect with your wife is going to do jack all. It might make you two feel better for 3-4 days. Like I said, jack all.
You need GOALS. You need to have ambitions, be working towards something. Passionate, ambitious men are attractive. Getting in shape can help tremendously if you aren't. Testosterone levels can help too, and there are lots of natural ways to raise testosterone levels(What did you think she was attracted to if not testosterone?). Does this mean you can't be a stay at home dad anymore? Maybe, maybe not. Not all goals are work/professional.
You need to be more assertive. Fill your life with things and activities. Pick fun stuff to do, then invite HER along. Don't make your life revolve around her. Your life should include your children, but it should not revolve around your children, at least not if you want to rebuild attraction. Filling your life with more things will build confidence. Giving yourself more options so that your life does not resolve around one limited set of things(Wife, children) will give you more confidence.
Confidence. Is. Attractive. Confidence is the most important piece here, but I listed it last because telling you to "be more confident" helps no one. Telling you ideas of how to BECOME more confident helps.
Get back into a metal band(Passion). Aim to become a world class chef(Goals). Start doing MMA or Krav Maga(Fitness & Testosterone). You can do this. And she won't know it/know why, but she will love it.
> I enjoy giving blow jobs even if I'm not sexually aroused
The problem here seems to be that you're seeing the problem through your lens, not his. In other words, you're comparing his response to what YOU would do, not why he's refusing to do it.
You might find a lot of value in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
I found it amazingly insightful, especially in helping communicate together. It contains exercises that you can do together, so it's a together-book, not something you read in isolation. Good luck, hopefully you guys can work together to find a solution that works for both of you, whatever that is.
Start doing stuff.
> But then they'll always be considering monkeybranching/cheating with alphas if they get the opportunity because they're just settling for the beta.
Plenty of married alpha's. Rollo Tomassi, the father of TRP, is married.
> how the actual fuck do you as a male who wants LTRs and doesn't want to have casual sex "succeed" and not end up a beta bux?
By being alpha entering into a relationship.
>It’s not a numbers game, it’s a non-exclusivity game. The goal isn’t racking up as many women as humanly possible in order to sift through the throng and find that one little golden flower. In fact that’s the key to disaster. There is no Quality Woman, that’s an idealization. Some are better than others of course, but you don’t find the perfect woman, you make the perfect woman. There is no needle in the haystack – that is Scarcity / ONEitis thinking – the point is to mold yourself and any woman who you do exclusively end up with into your own frame. This is a process that should come before you commit to exclusivity, not after. The world is filled with guys forever trying to catch up, control the frame and be the Man they should’ve been long before they entered an LTR. They spend the better part of their LTRs/Marriages trying to prove that they deserve their GF’s / Wife’s respect when they’d have done better in letting her come to that conclusion well before the commitment through a healthy dose of competition anxiety. - Rollo Tomassi
The Rationale Male
>dark triad traits are not long term healthy relationship traits, they're just traits for fucking sluts. Well I don't want that, I want a relationship down the line with a non-slut,
"Dark Triad" traits (or just alpha traits) are attractive to all women, not just sluts. The difference is, sluts lack self-control and self-respect, so they get used by tons of guys and make irrational choices. The lack of self-control is what makes sluts bad investments. Even when they have a good deal (lesser-alpha), they lack the self-control to resist a higher alpha, throwing away their relationships to chase their hypergamy.
You will never be the most alpha. There will always be someone who's better breeding stock than you. You just have to be alpha enough. As you grow old, you'll likely sacrifice your freedom and independence for family and legacy. You won't be as alpha as you once were, or as other 20 somethings are, but you'll have different priorities, and ideally a women who's wise enough to know she's got good deal.
If you care about him help him pay for therapy. And get him to read "No More Mr. Nice guy"!. He needs to find strength outside of you and the resolve to live his own life.
“I liked you better when we weren’t speaking, Mom” 😑
Sorry, I know burning bridges is not always what people want/need, but wow you really nailed so much tone/script here. And people who say these things know that the things they say to us have more impact, negative or positive, because of their role in our lives is trusted and close (or it was) but they choose to use it to manipulate instead of support.
Try to remove yourself a step or three from the situation and think about what it would take for someone who loves you and wants you safe and well, to say things like this. What would it take for you to say things like this to someone you love? Even if you think they made a bad choice, ‘I liked you better the other way’ is a ridiculously self centered and petulant approach.
You should be able to expect better, but this person, for whatever reason, has some kind of deficit in their capacity. Their emotional intelligence is at a deficit. I really don’t know how much of that is a choice, or it’s just how some people are wired. Either way, you keep exposing yourself to harm if you keep being vulnerable to someone like this, though. You’ll be safer if you can say ‘well they aren’t capable of being the person I need; I need to manage my expectations of them, because I can’t trust them to be thoughtful.”
I can’t help but recommend this book - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, if this is coming from a parent. It would probably still be helpful if it’s not a parent.
You were not born to be the prettiest figurine on this person’s knickknack shelf. Don’t feel obligated to do so, or guilty for not doing so. It’s not an expectation a reasonable person would set.
(Hmm I think you hit a nerve or three ;)
Well, we hit the 10000 limit. Reserving this comment for the misc. section.
FREE TIME/FUN/MISC.
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
The Art of War
Steal This Computer Book 4.0: What They Won't Tell You about the Internet
How to Disappear: Erase Your Digital Footprint, Leave False Trails, and Vanish without a Trace
The Best of 2600: A Hacker Odyssey
Super Crunchers: Why Thinking-by-Numbers Is the New Way to Be Smart
Casting the Net: From ARPANET to INTERNET and Beyond thanks sjhill
A Quarter Century of UNIX thanks sjhill
A Reading List For the Self-Taught Computer Scientist thanks zinver
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk thanks segamix
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable thanks AgonistAgent
Snow Crash thanks AgonistAgent
Cryptonomicon thanks Mirple
I feel like you are making excuses because there have to be plenty of options here. You say she supported you to have a good career. What do you do with your vacation time? If you have none for some reason, can you get some leave without pay? Can you find a new job that allows you to be around her more, even if you earn less money? Is there a university closer to home, or can you move to where she is? Can she study online?
She says she doesn't know if she can feel that way for you again. That doesn't mean she can't, it means that she is confused. Like I said, this is a crossroads. You either try like hell to fix things or she will leave you. First step, get yourself to marriage counseling, or at the very least buy yourself '7 Principles for Making Marriage Work' and read through it with her. Second step, plan a vacation or at the very least spend some time away from work to romance her properly. Spoil her a little. Write her a letter explaining how much she means to you and how you don't want to lose her. Talk. Laugh. Love. Third step, find a way for her to fulfill her dreams, preferably with you or her relocating so you are closer by. However if she lives apart from you for a while, so be it. If you don't let her fulfill her dreams with you, she will leave and do it without you.
Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but you have to try if you love her and want to be with her.
UGH I've said this in other threads about him not changing diapers but TANNER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE MY EX-HUSBAND.
Jade, girl, just please read this book and consider whether this is really what you want.
Read your husband your exact post then hand him this book
https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862
I'll save him a seat.
More Than Two by Franklin Veaux. If The Ethical Slut is the non-monogamy bible, then More than Two is the Polyamory handbook. It is a must read.
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Opening Up is a good supplementary book. Overall not as good as More than Two, but it has some unique takes on poly that is worth reading.
Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory by Minx M. Honestly I have not gotten around to reading this yet, but it is by Cunning Minx of the Polyamory Weekly podcast, so the author knows what she is talking about.
Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. This books it last on my list because it tries to pawn itself off as science when in truth it is more of philosophy. It makes good arguments, and backs them up with some data, but the evidence is nowhere as strong as Dr. Ryan wants to claim.
EDITED TO ADD:
If you are going to do non-monogamy it is always a good idea to improve your communication skills. Here are some recommended books on improving communication skills.
The Usual Error. This is a more basic communication book. It is a really good read that will point out some basic mistakes you probably make in communicating.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. This is almost a whole new way of communicating. It is advanced level communications skills. Even incorporating some of the ideas in this book will help you tremendously in hard conversations.
I've read a lot of parenting books and learned a lot of cool techniques and tricks for helping my kids. A parenting class, if you do the research and find someone who makes a lot of sense to you, is just a faster way of learning new tricks, and it sounds like you're looking for good ideas and fast. The class I linked you to in my other comment is one I'd love to take myself and I have worked with children for over fifteen years.
But if you are interested in the book route, look at your local library for How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Simplicity Parenting, or Love and Logic, or anything by those authors.
I can guarantee you that at least one of my grandmas would've loved a parenting class, and the other probably could've used one.
My major reddit participation is deadbedrooms. Some dude came over to my sub to post about how his wife was violently gang raped as a child and won't allow anal sex and how anal is the ultimate symbol of love and trust. He was downvoted into oblivion, my sub gave him a piece of our mind and deleted his post and then reposted to R/sex and r/marriedredpill. I followed him and doled out my votes and yes I made a comment saying I think he is not trolling, but actually as fucked up as he seems.
Yes, I read about all sorts of things that I find interesting and anything that I think will help my marriage, including books by Helen Fisher, books from support groups, books about bad relationships, and self-helpy red-pilly books
One can engage with philosophies while remaining critical and of ones own thoughts. Or at least I can. I'm comfortable learning about things I disagree with. However, my participation in that sub was motivated by my dislike and revulsion for a poster whom even the redpill had mostly disgust.
Further reading for nice guys/white knights (much less accusatory and condescending than this article): http://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/
> needs me to sustain our current lifestyle.
> She can't do it by herself.
> she wont be able to take the dog with her
> She loves me. She needs me
Are you too wrapped up in caring for her? This sounds kind of co-dependent or something.
You're worried about ruining her, about crushing her, that she can't do stuff on her own, that she can't take the dog with her....
Does she spend even 1/4 of the the time being this concerned for your needs??
If you haven't read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship you might find it helpful
> for selfish reasons?
Wanting a great sex life with your spouse isn't selfish.
> When I once mentioned the figures to her in the past she denied them as made up or only reported by the horny few who wanted to brag.
Assuming you're in the 30-39 age bracket, roughly somewhere between 80 and 95% of couples are having more sex than you. The Normal Bar gives similar (independently obtained) data (but unfortunately doesn't give a detailed breakdown). Don't bring this up with your wife unless she actually starts disputing whether your sex life is normal.
Here is what worked (sort of) for me:
Did this solve the problem? No, but my wife now acknowledges now that there is a real issue and we're (half successfully) working on it.
Finally, before someone else (Draconis?) gets in to say it:
> I love my wife and when we go on dates we get along great
Are you really so sure about that? Do you hold hands? Do you kiss? Is she affectionate? Do you both say "I love you" and mean it as opposed to saying it out of habit? If so, fantastic -- half your job is done.
Sex is a relationship barometer: most of the people in here who say "they are perfect except for sex" (especially those in long term relationships) are in denial. Their relationship is in fact is quite dysfunctional but they haven't realised it yet. Read Gottman and ask whether your relationship is as good as you think it is.
Wishing you success!
That's how it is to be an introvert.
According to The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, introverts have a longer neural pathway for processing stimuli. This makes us think more about what is happening instead of reacting or talking about to it.
In a 2005 study they found that when gambling brought positive results, the extroverts exhibited a stronger response in two regions of the brain: the amygdala and the nucleus accumbens, showing that they processed surprise and reward differently than introverts.
Being an introverts is not the same as being a loner or a shy person. Introverts need a lot more stimuli to change their mood. (happy or sadness)
According to Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication), it is because we don't teach it. We still have feelings and needs, but often time as children we are left feeling as though feelings and needs are selfish and shameful. But because they still exist it ends up being expressed in tragic ways.
Or if it is really bad, you end up a "Nice Guy" (making secret contracts and hoping to get what you want without ever actually telling anyone what it is).
I found the following non-Christian books very helpful in my own journey to become better at communicating and understanding other people. I highly recommend:
I also recommend the following Christian book for dealing with childhood baggage:
I recommend two things:
Here I would try to get one of the earlier versions if you can.
I also can highly recommend nonviolent communication Which reinforces similar concepts.
And finally the late Peter Gerlach who recorded a series of helpful videos on youtube before he passed. Like me, he was a survivor of trauma, and helped many of his clients overcome the near impossible struggle towards autonomy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHf3J4P-6Fg&amp;feature=youtu.be
But really the biggest thing to keep in mind is this- you are here asking about it and want to learn. A bad parent won't do that, so you're already ahead of the game. Things won't be perfect, but by being able to see your child for who he/she is, is an amazing and rewarding gift, for both you and the child. It is quite educational.
Parents like mine, did not care about my feelings/wants/needs. They projected their lives, their insecurity, their anger onto me. They made it very clear, using all sorts of signals, that I was there to serve their needs, and that my needs did not matter. So if you can avoid that, you'll be ahead. I also suspect you wouldn't be here if you were going to be like that.
The biggest problem that arises in today's society is that adults think children should be treated like children (infantilization) and that creates a host of problems. I think most of it is detailed in Dr. Haim's book to a good degree. He also wrote some other books for later in life, like between parent and teenager. Although I think between parent and child is his best work.
I think my thoughts on this are better said by a passage from More Than Two:
>[R]emember that your relationship with your child is a relationship, and a very high-maintenance one. And you need to care for that relationship when you are in the throes of a new romance. Just as your partners may feel insecure and scared, so might your children. They too may need reassurance that they are still special, still loved, still irreplaceable.
Dating when you have kids is hard, just like polyamory is hard. It's unfortunate that in this case the child isn't happy with how things are, but I don't think that this is unique in any way to polyamory and certainly isn't any indication that polyamory necessarily harms children.
First, you should drop the attitude of "we need to handle this ASAP." The fact is, bringing up sensitive issues causes people to get emotionally aroused, and high emotional arousal causes unclear, ineffective communication. If she needs some time to "cool down" and get her emotions in check, then give it to her, or the conversations will just go badly anyway.
This isn't to say put these conversations off indefinitely - just give her enough time to think through the situation and calm down emotionally. Two hours or so should do the trick.
The next question is, what sort of tone/language do you use when bringing up these issues? Some people use accusatory or judgmental language, which pretty much dooms the conversation from the start. If you want to be able to engage her effectively without causing her to shut down, try reading up on the principles of Nonviolent Communication. This will show you a non-judgmental, self-aware way of expressing what you need, and will ensure your girlfriend doesn't feel accused or attacked in these sorts of situations.
This book helped me a lot, about CBT which is a common form of treatment for depression.
Can help while you wait cos yeah our mental health situation is pretty shitty
Here are some excellent books on narcissistic parenting and its upshots (all available on amazon.com, etc):
Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self
Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.
Further, the dynamics of growing up in such families are strikingly similar to what happens in cults. If one is conditioned, socialized, habituated and normalized to a particular form of abuse (before one can recognize the abuse as such) in childhood, it is often the case that one will grow up to seek intimates who are likely to repeat the same form of traumatization to which they were normalized as children. In my case, I took my unconscious -- and unprocessed -- abuse into a series of cult and other co-dependent workplace and relationship situations. If one understands what happens in cults, one often gets a very clear picture of what happened in their own families of origin with narcissistic parents.
I wish I had more of a solution other than saying see a counselor. Counseling can take a while and get expensive, and actually does take a fair bit of effort if you are looking for results, as I have found I have to spend a few hours per week between sessions reflecting on things.
Besides counseling, I have found some books to be most helpful in creating the right framework for a (hopefully) successful relationship in the future. Check out Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy. From these books I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain an independent life of my own before getting into another relationship.
Just as a point of reference, my 3 year old cries like that quite a bit. Usually over quite trivial matters. This morning, she cried for 15 minutes straight because her daddy plugged in her ipod to the charger instead of letting her do it.
So some of it is just developmental and/or personality at that point. Stay patient and just keep letting him know that you are there for him. At some point, you'll notice a bit of a break in the crying and that's when you ask if he wants you to hold him. If you have a rocker of big comfy chair, that would be nice to snuggle up in. Maybe offer him some water or juice and to read a book or something.
I know this sounds shitty to say but don't frantically offer him up all kinds of stuff to do or big treats just to make him feel better. He'll figure out that this is how he can get stuff. Just be there to comfort and let him get it all out. If you validate his feelings and mirror them back to him, it'll help him be able to talk about them in the future. It also decreases the crying. You literally just say exactly what he's saying back to him. "you want your daddy. yes, you want your daddy." It really helps them to feel like they've been heard rather than, "It's ok" because in his mind, it's really not ok and to be told that is rather confusing.
Some good books to read are this series:
Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy (this title always cracks me up)
and
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (this one has some really old school illustrations but it's great for talking to kids and adults of all ages)
Good luck, you are doing a wonderful thing taking him in. I'm sure transitions will get easier from here on out.
Hey man, I'm 23 years old, and I was a pretty big loner too back in high school. I'm still very much an introvert but I'm far from the social recluse I was back then. What I'm about to write probably won't change your life around, but at the very least I hope you might one day reflect back on it and hopefully help you a little bit.
For starters, high school doesn't really matter. It might seem like the biggest thing in your life currently (or not), but most of it won't affect you years later. Even now, some of the more popular kids I knew back in high school have retained like 2-3 friends from back then at most, while everyone else faded away and gone about their own ways. The people that will actually matter, as in your love life and work life, are the people you'll meet outside of high school.
Second, friends and connections don't come without effort. Life isn't some romance-comedy film, where you, the protagonist, meets some whimsical girl on a whim and suddenly click with her. You have to put yourself out there. Now I know, that's pretty much the opposite of what being an introvert is, but here's the thing, I'm not telling you to become an extrovert, far from it. I'm proud to be an introvert, and I'm happy to correct anyone who says/accuses me of having social anxiety, etc. That being said, I don't shy away from opportunities.
What exactly does that mean? Well, for starters, really analyze yourself as a person. What do you enjoy? What do you like? Video games? Anime? My Little Ponies? Death Metal? Soccer? LARPing? Fantasy novels? Game of Thrones? Are you Asian? Black? Indian? It doesn't matter, because I can fucking guarantee you right now that there's someone at your school who shares the same interests, but you have to make the effort to find them. How? Well, clubs and activities are a good place to start, if your interests line with one that's available at your school. Does your school have some online forum? Trying seeking people there. Point is, you're not the only person at your school with your tastes, but you're not going to find them without at least making some effort. But here's the thing. If you don't or can't find anyone by the time you graduate, it's okay. The world is a big place. In the last 5 years since I've graduated, I've met people with similar interests as me in places I never thought I would. I promise you that you will too.
Third, start caring about your physical appearance. I don't give a damn if you're the kind of kid who thinks worrying about how you look is superficial and shallow and you're above it all, because believe it or not, how you make yourself appear matters a whole lot more than you think, not just in social settings, but in your work life as well. No one's going to hire some punk ass teen who looks like he hasn't showered in days and smells like he hasn't brushed his teeth in weeks, and wears baggy ass clothes that don't fit. You might think you look cool now, but let me point you to /r/blunderyears and show you how much of a fool you might look. Start eating healthy and go buy nice, fitting clothes. Button ups, collar shirts, plain-color Tees, etc., I recommend /r/malefashionadvice, even if it has a tendency to circlejerk at times. Start hitting the gym regularly. Trust me, no one judges you, and no one cares you're there, if gym anxiety is what you're afraid of. I'm not making fun of you or criticizing you, we've all been there. It's better for you to realize it sooner and start working on it now than to be an unfortunate (yet hilarious) individual who ends up posting in that subreddit. Bless those souls who have the courage to post there, because I have my fair share of blunder pics that I'm too embarrassed to ever put on a public forum.
Fourth, don't be an asshole. This is purely anecdotal, you may not be like this at all, but when I was in high school I was an elitist prick. I thought I was cool for listening to indie and hating on mainstream radio songs and was a judgmental asshole. I also thought anyone who was religious was an idiot for believing in the supernatural. I studied philosophy, works like Thoreau, Kant, Marx, etc. I thought I was so much smarter than everyone. In retrospect, it's that kind of attitude that repelled people. Look, if you have some passion or interest that you have some insight or knowledge into, that's great! But don't shoehorn it into a conversation unless it's with someone who shares the same interests, and don't act like you're better for having some niche interest. Everyone you meet is your superior, because everyone you meet knows more than you on something, so treat everyone with respect.
Lastly, I highly recommend reading these two books: How to Win Friends & Influence People and Introvert Advantage (both non-affiliate links). I know, it's a silly sounding book, I sure as hell was embarrassed when I bought it. Hell, you might even think the contents of the book are obvious. But in the last 5 years since I've read that book, I ended up employing a lot of the techniques in that book without realizing, and it's paid off. Even if you think it's stupid, as long as you keep the key points of the book in mind, you will subconsciously execute them in social settings, and you will see it pay off, I promise. The second book, Introvert Advantage, will help give insight into your life in more ways than most people in your life will be capable of, because the book will understand you. Your parents, your guidance counselor, or hell your therapist if you have one might not, because not everyone understands what it's like to be an introvert, but this book will. Try giving both a read.
More than anything, I want you to know that high school isn't the end all be all that defines how you'll live for the rest of your life. I was borderline suicidal in high school. Thoughts of how to kill myself was my only solace at night. I honestly thought I would have ended up offing myself by the time I was in my mid-20s, but here I am, happier than I ever was back then. It takes time, a little bit of luck, but mostly a lot of effort on your part.
My parents did the same thing. I had come out to them once before and then went back in the closet then came out to them again and then went public and full time within 2 months and I didn’t tell them beforehand that I was going to come out. Their response? “Well you should have told us so we could prepare people that we know”
It’s not their transition and they don’t need to prepare anyone. They are emotionally immature parents and you should read a book called:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_z0hVCb2KZADP3
It’s a really good read and will help you learn how to deal with them.
Read all about it: How to Win Friends and Influence People
> I tried to explain it, but they all seemed really concerned about my ex who was having constant panic attacks over being “abandoned.” Everyone tells me that even though she made mistakes, she deserves some kind of closure and that I’m a monster for treating her the way I am.
>
> mom is angry that I’m letting her keep having panic attacks.
>
>My mom had invited her. When I realized she was at the front door, I snuck out a back window before she could find me and drove away. Now my mom is saying I’m not welcome at home until I talk with my ex.
This is some class A emotional blackmail BULLSHIT. From your mom and your friends, no less! She cheated on you and deserves nothing. Your method of leaving (saying "it's over" with no words) was way better than blowing up, like you said. You got to avoid begging, crying, and pleading that might have kept you in the relationship. I can't believe those closest to you are dismissing that cheating is abuse and are pressuring you to soothe her bruised ego. No. She is having "panic attacks" because she is an entitled princess who can't have her cake and eat it too. The injustice of this is maddening; I'm really pissed for you, OP.
Stand your ground and hold your head up high. Repeat to others: "I have no desire to contact her. It is over because she cheated on me, and that's all there is to it." Your mom can't be trusted right now because she tried to force you to be in contact with her. Hold onto the friends who aren't pressuring you tightly. Remember you're not crazy or unreasonable! I highly recommend the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward in case you want some reading material.
Here's another one that's relevant: FOG; Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Poor OP has been dealing with this nonsense for so long she's caught up in a fear of disagreeing with her mom, a sense of obligation that she should fit into her designated role and feelings of guilt when she does not.
OP, have a look at Toxic Parents by Susan Forward ( I think there's also a pdf available).
I strongly agree that now is the time to break this cycle, as you're about to start your own mother and child story :) Good luck!
The first thing you should do is tell someone and try to get help. It’s actually great that your parents suspect that you’re depressed and have talked to you about it because the hardest thing about depression is just being able to talk about it with someone. Your parents can help you get set up with a therapist or a counselor to talk through things. Since you’re 18 you can also try to do those things yourself, but the most important thing you can do is definitely seeing someone about it.
If you don’t feel comfortable pursuing outside help I have a couple ideas. One thing you can do is PM me at any time and I’ll be happy to talk to you. I’m 10 years older and have been in your place. Another is to find a good book about all this. I think one of the best is called Feeling Good. It’s the only book that has been acknowledged as an effective treatment for depression. I would be happy to buy a copy and send it to you if you don’t want to pay for it.
I notice you didn’t actually say that you are depressed, but based on my own personal experience of struggling with some of these things over the last 10 years, and on some of the things you’re saying, I know you have some degree of depression. The thing is, that’s absolutely fine and nothing to be ashamed of. Once you ID it and know that it’s there, you can try to understand it and begin to deal with it. Don’t worry too much about labeling yourself though—you risk having your depression become your identity, when really you are so much more complicated than that, in the best possible way.
I don’t think your parents are trying to judge, or label you. Parents feel so helpless to provide for their children when they reach your age. They see you doing things and they have no control over it, and they worry, because they can’t just make it all better by being your mom and dad anymore.
Also, don’t panic about this idea of “straying from society” or becoming a recluse. You’re 18 at the moment, and life is long and abundant. If TagPro is what makes you happy right now you can keep on doing that and enjoy it in the moment. You also have to keep in mind that TagPro won’t always be here and that this could end at any time. It’s good to try and find as many things that you like to do as possible. 18 is an age where everyone is telling you who you are and what you should be, when you don’t even know yourself. How could you possibly know? How could anyone? All you can do is do things you like and live your life and hope you find it along the way. I only know a couple of people who are doing the thing that they thought they’d be doing at 18.
Just hang tough, stay positive, and find someone to talk to.
I did it with my first, hoping to do it again with my second. Honestly it’s a huge mental game. The birthing class I took mainly emphasized laboring at home as long as possible and to prepare yourself to feel like you’re running up hills and walking them back down over and over again (but way worse). Also Ina May’s book was also super helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156
I do have to say, it’s awful that your pain management technique is being dictated by price. I wish this was a choice you were making because it is what you wanted, not because you feel financially pressured to :(
Good luck!
mil-spouse about to be on 7th underway in 3 years. Married going on 8 years.
A) You can't go back to "where you were", because you are both different people now. Does it really matter what happened in the past? The future is where you have control. That said you do have to evaluate the past so you can learn how best to avoid those situations
B) You have to lay out what you expect from the relationship, and own up to what you did wrong
C) You have to ask her what she wants / expects out of the relationship when you are gone. This may mean you get to wake up an hour earlier than usual so you can talk to her when you are already limited on your sleep. This may mean emailing more than you care to etc.
D) Both of you take that 5 love languages test (I think it's ridiculous but has merit). It opens the door to discussing what the other one needs/wants out of the relationship. I recommend the military version but it only comes in book form. Long distance book club can help you out as well. (Both get a copy and read it). I also strongly recommend both of you reading the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work These books can help you set up a framework for better communication long-term.
E) If opening up the communication doesn't work, then it may be time to contact www.militaryonesource.mil for some couples counseling. Ain't no shame, and don't let your unit give you shit. Working on your marriage will make you look better. Getting your shit together in this area can actually make your work life easier. Having a true partner at home who has your back can make deployment 12 billion times easier than either not or having to go through a divorce.
Hopefully she is open to some of this. Good luck either way. Fixing this takes maturity on both parties, so hopefully she is on board.
>And I know how I must come off to others, like these pathetic creeps.
That's not how you come across in this post. You come across like someone who is struggling with a lot of self doubt and a lot of self loathing. I think many of us have been there at one time or another, even if to a much lesser degree.
I'm gonna give you some advice. Feel free to take it or leave it as you feel appropriate.
First, look into therapy. It sounds like you have a lot of intense anxieties rattling around in your head, and they're just going to hold you back. Just being able to talk to someone can be a huge weight off your shoulders. Plus, an outside perspective can help you see yourself in a more accurate light.
If you can't afford therapy, look into written exercises in Feeling Good by Dr. Burns. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps to spot the distortions in thinking that contribute to negative emotions like fear and self-hatred. It's not about skipping through a field of flowers and butterflies, it's about looking at your negative thoughts and being able to calmly, dispassionately say "Okay, my brain is being a dick again." You get practice replacing old patterns of thinking with more a realistic, rational outlook. I used it a few years ago for my anxiety issues and was surprised at how helpful it was.
Second, practice your social skills. If talking to people is nerve-wracking, start small. Begin with customer service workers. Say "Thanks!" to the bus driver as you get off at your stop. Or "Enjoy your afternoon!" to the cashier when they finish ringing up your groceries. These little interactions are usually safe because they are 1) Quick 2) With people whose job is to interact with strangers. As you get more comfortable, you can branch out into little bits of small talk. "Wow, the weather is NICE out there today. I hope you get the chance to get outside later."
As you become comfortable making brief small talk, look into ways to expand your social circle. Personally, I'm a big fan of structured activities. For instance, I was part of a science-fiction book club that was really great. We had something in common to relate over. Plus, everyone got the chance to give their opinion on the book, but you could be as brief as you wanted. We had the chance to chat a bit, but we had a central topic to focus on.
Dance classes, youth organizations, volunteer events, recreational sports are similar in that they give you the chance to meet new people but they're structured enough that none of you have to "wing it."
Third, be good to yourself. When you have all this negative self talk it's so easy to see getting better as an obligation or a penance. "UGH, I'm SUCH a screw up! I'm probably broken! I need to fix my shit or NO ONE will want to be around me!!!"
The truth is, you should work on getting better because you DESERVE to be better. You deserve to live a life free of crippling self-doubt. You deserve to be happy and content. You deserve to feel free to pursue relationships that will bring both of you joy.
When I was younger, I fell into this trap of mentally beating up on myself all the time. I was convinced I was a worthless fuck-up and that by being mean as shit to myself, I was somehow making the world a better place. The thing is, that turned out to be absolute bullshit. As I've learned to be more proactive in my life and more compassionate towards my inevitable setbacks, it's not just me who's benefited. I've become a calmer, more caring friend and partner. I've been able to offer more support to be friends because I'm not so overwhelmed with my own anxieties. Also, I think we don't always realize how much we look to each other for guidance. When you can be kind and accepting towards yourself, you make it easier for those around you to do the same.
Finally, online dating is a shitshow. If you are feeling low, this may not be a good time to be on Tinder. However, if you reach the point where you want to give it another try, get a profile review first. If you aren't getting a lot of matches, it might not have anything to do with you and everything to do with mediocre photos or a lackluster bio.
It's because of the USFSPA, an act by Congress to counter to a Supreme court ruling in 1981. It's not automatic, but it definitely screws the military member over, specifically male members, but not always men, usually it's just the person who follows ethical actions that gets screwed. The less ethical person gets rewarded.
It was put into place because too many military men were screwing over their wives and kicking them to the curb for younger models, or abandoning their families, and men did have unfair advantages at the time. So the courts got involved trying to fix the problem, the feminists pushed for fairness for women, but now a women has more rights than a man in the court system.
And then you hear about nice guys getting cleaned out by their wives when she gets the 7 year itch and needs an "Alpha" guy now, and he's now in debtors prison because he can't pay the crazy spouse/child support, or can't see his own kids because Child Protective Counselors advised her to claim shit so she would be in control. Because the court system is incentivised to extract as much money from the man as possible, via lawyers and court mandated programs. It can be used against a woman who is the primary breadwinner in a relationship and happens also, but men still usually make more money, so that's why the courts target men. It's why /r/MensRights exists, even if they do come off as misogynistic assholes sometimes.
Now don't think that men are blameless, spousal abuse is horrendous, and the assholes who do it and need to be held accountable, but a woman can beat up a man in his own house, or cry rape and he's instantly the bad guy and removed from the situation. Who wants to help a pussy who can't defend himself, yet if he does, he's automatically thrown in jail, and can loose everything.
The reality of the situation is it's no longer beneficial for a man in today's society to get married any more, the financial/emotional/incarceration risks are no longer worth it. Only the religious think the "man ruling the roost" marriage is a good idea anymore.
You really want to blow your mind? Read this
Read How to Win Friends and Influence People. Really, pick it up. It's a book I make sure to read cover-to-cover every 6 months.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
I have recommended this book before, it's exactly what you're looking for.
When I first read it I was just blown away. It was like somebody had followed my family around and then written a book about us.
It has exercises to help you process and get over things. As the book helps you work through the exercises you'll find that your anger will hopefully diminish.
Good luck, and be good to yourself!
To anyone dealing with parents like this, I recommend this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
It helped me recognize all the different behaviors that are related and validated to me that I wasn't crazy thinking their behavior was harmful. It also has some advice about how to protect yourself and maintain (or not) a relationship with someone like that.
Your mom sounds narcissistic but I might be misreading. There's a book I've come across in other people's discussions. They've said it's been really helpful.
And if you'll allow me to play armchair psychologist (of which I am only qualified because I have an armchair), I find it interesting that your mom wants to be involved in your son's life. I wonder if it would've been the same if you were pregnant with a girl?
I find myself suggesting this a lot so I probably seem like a broken record. There's a Babycenter board Dealing with the Inlaws and Family of Origin. They are harsh to the untrained eye. They aren't trying to be bitches. It's just that they've seen this situation so many times that they're willing to tell you what you need to hear vs. what you want to hear.
There are lots and lots of stories of narcissistic moms over there including the golden child (your brother) and the scapegoat (you). You might find it cathartic to see that others have experienced this and what they've done to try and solve it.
Don't let your mom bully you into anything you don't want. Shit, if it were me, I'd change the damn day or time of the c-section so she couldn't show up at the hospital and ruin the first moments with your son. You won't get that time back so don't cave in thinking that it'll fix your relationship with your mom.
A few, in no particular order:
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
http://amzn.com/1591792576
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Collins Business Essentials)
http://amzn.com/006124189X
Mastering Your Hidden Self: A Guide to the Huna Way (A Quest Book)
http://amzn.com/0835605914
My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies
http://amzn.com/0671019872
Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)
http://amzn.com/1573244988
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
http://amzn.com/0061438294
The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature
http://amzn.com/0060556579
Outliers: The Story of Success
http://amzn.com/0316017930
Iron John: A Book About Men
http://amzn.com/0306813769
> there's this need to be alone, listening to people for more than an hour or two is quite uncomfortable.
That's introversion and it's completely normal. Have you read this book yet?
Ken Schramm's "The Compleat Meadmaker" (2003, still available on Amazon) was probably the book that helped me take my brewing more seriously. I'm a little biased because my brewing style is no-boil and for years I traded time for money and stress (no nutrients, no measurements, just wait long enough and it'll finish) and that really worked for me a decade ago.
With regard to more current resources, I like a lot about TOSNA. I'm not convinced on whether the fourth addition is worth it but I appreciate the effort put into matching the requirements of the yeast and the concentration of the must to the amount of nutrient added. This site implements TOSNA and other protocols in an easy-to-use interface -- if you're looking to tune your recipe, you could do worse than start there!
Finally, both this subreddit and http://gotmead.com/ have tons of resources. Now that I'm finishing with school, I look forward to exploring the wiki in detail.
It takes a truly manipulative person to try and make YOU feel horrible, guilty, freaked out, scared, and like the bad guy because HE cheated. He's saying no but I CHOOSE you like he's doing you some big favor.
First of all, congratulations! And come over to r/babybumps! A lot of questions you might not think to ask are being discussed there already.
The best way to tell your other half is... just tell him! Do it in person, and at a time where the two of you have some time to talk and be together, and do it without setting any sort of expectations or mood. Likely he will be a bit shocked at first, but unless your relationship wasn't meant to be, he will warm up to the idea (maybe even faster than you do, who knows!).
I'm 35 weeks pregnant now... I can tell you that as your pregnancy progresses, things will get more "real" mentally so don't be afraid when you experience some serious mood swings and shifts in your thoughts about the pregnancy. It might not be until your first ultrasound... or it might not be until you look into your baby's eyes for you to feel that rush of motherly love. Even women who got pregnant on purpose (like me) find themselves doubting sometimes. It's all normal.
Prenatal vitamins is a good start. Honestly, visiting an OB this early won't do much good, and in fact they often don't see women until they are at least 12 weeks (because many pregnancies miscarry in those first few weeks). At a 12 week appointment, you might do an ultrasound to confirm your due date (but if you have been charting, you probably already know exactly when you conceived), and you can start asking your OB any questions you have. But until you do the research, you might find that being under the care of a midwife, or giving birth at a birthing center (or at home) is a better fit for you. It won't hurt to see an OB, of course, but OB's are primarily surgeons so they might not give you all the support you need. Regardless, don't rely on any kind of medical caregiver 100%; take charge of your own pregnancy and birth and do the research! Once you do the research, you will be able to decide what type of birthing class is right for you (I highly recommend taking one... I took a Hypnobabies course and was very satisfied with the large amount of information they gave me, and also the confidence I feel as I get closer to my birthing day).
Here are some common book and movie recommendations:
Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth (she is the leading authority on natural birth)
Your Best Birth (and their film you can find on Netflix, The Business of Being Born)
The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth (good if you like a lot of scientific discussion on birth options)
The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. (I own this book and it makes me feel really good to have it on hand when my baby gets here... so much info!)
I don't know if you've come across this series, but I saw it recommended on here and really enjoyed it. The midwife in the video says basically there are two types of nerves, and if you're lucky enough to have one kind, you may not feel as much pain. Many women feel like they can't do it during transition, but they make it through! And some women that get epidurals don't experience relief from them.
Do you have someone attending your birth? If they know that during transition, you might feel this way, they can coach you through it and remind you that it's almost over. They can also use counter pressure on your back and hips to help drown out the nerve signals telling you there's pain.
Reading birthing stories in Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth and Spiritual Midwifery is what made me feel comfortable with a natural birth. I enjoyed the books much more than the movie, but there is a movie with some of these stories in it if you're not a big reader.
Shocked this is not listed, this book is one of the top books recommended by both the RSD crew and Mystery's crew - The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
http://www.amazon.ca/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1413915194&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=deida+david
Four year olds lie. It’s just part of the developmental stage. It doesn’t mean you have to punish it out of them.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen has some good strategies for keeping communication open and how to deal with lying.
Twin parent here too, with kids around the same age. This book was incredibly helpful for us in reframing how we communicate. They’ll clean up their toys now, brush their teeth, get dressed, etc. without it being a hassle. I hope it helps you too.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_ErgZCbF1850NS
How to win friends and influence people, Read It
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the gold standard for depression and anxiety (and many other things as well). It works wonders for me. If your therapist does it, that is wonderful, but there are excellent books which you can use on your own. One of the core principles of CBT is that you need to work on your own to acquire skills to deal with your problems, reading and doing "homework" and mental exercises.
This is an excellent book, with a strong emphasis on anxiety. I recommend the paperback, so you can write in it (it has lots of worksheets).
This is another excellent book that I have.
> Also, if you have any links
I love when people ask.
Getting Started
__
Here are some thoughts and general knowledge to help you make good decisions about which articles are trustworthy.
Habis baca buku ini dan ini terus mikir ternyata childhood gw mayan fucked up juga yha. Di satu sisi lega karena akhirnya pengalaman dan apa yang gw rasain selama ini tervalidasi, tapi sejujurnya di sisi lain kesel soalnya gw gak minta ada di dunia ini tapi kok ya gw juga yg kena emotional neglect. Kadang iri sama orang-orang yang keluarganya bisa jadi support system, sedangkan keluarga seringnya jadi trigger breakdown gw :(
I sure do! This book is a great resource and goes into quite a bit of detail about attachment science and how it can affect adult relationships. If I recall correctly, it also includes self-assessments (I read it a few years ago).
On a related note, I wholeheartedly and emphatically cannot recommend this book enough to anyone who is, has been, or might one day like to be in a romantic relationship. John Gottman is a researcher at the University of Washington and basically the Einstein of relationship science. His algorithm can predict whether any given couple will divorce with something like 90% certainty. Don't let the title fool you -- this book dispenses extremely helpful advice for dealing with people in close interpersonal relationships regardless of whether you're married, dating, or just good friends.
As you realize becoming great at social skills is just like training any other skill. Realizing you can train it will allow you to build the skill stronger than others who stumble into it. So many will say you can't get better or amazing by reading in a chair. They're right. Read a little, apply a lot, take notes, then review what you did right and what you did wrong, repeat. Get a mentor or training buddy if you can, it accelerates learning, because we can't see ourselves the same as those outside us can. Make a regimen to go out, greet and meet people every day. Or at least three times a week minimum, make it a habit.
I can tell you that I've been in customer service and sales jobs, they taught me nothing because my skills were garbage and sub-par. So I didn't have a paddle for my raft in the world of social interaction. All I got was "people get irritated if I cold approach or try to sell them. Or worse I have to dump mountains of information to make them feel safe." So after studying for the better part of a decade, here's some points that got me to the basics and more advanced subjects. With the basics under your belt, then a job or daily practice will get you understanding and results.
First, learn how to steady yourself mentally, breathing exercise here. Breathing is important as we seem to be learning your heart rate and beat pattern determine more about our emotions than we'd like to admit.
Second, Accept and love yourself, (both those terms may be undefined or wishy-washy to you at the moment, defining them is part of the journey.) Because you can only accept and love others the way you apply it to yourself first.
Third, pick up and read the charisma myth. It has habits/meditations that will be a practice you use every day. I'd say a basic understanding will happen after applying them over three months. Never stop practicing these basics, they are your fundamentals. They determine your body language. The difference between a romantic gaze and a creepy stare is context of the meeting and body language, especially in the eyes.
Sales or cold approach networking will do the same for practice. If you do sales or meeting new people, it is a negotiation. You're trying to trade "value" (safety + an emotion). So if you figure out how to make yourself feel emotion, then inspire emotion in others, mutual agreements happen. Start with Why is a good reference. Here is a summary video. Chris Voss will help you find out that you don't tap into people rationally, you tap people emotionally, big think summary video. Or the full book treatment, Never Split the Difference. The supporting book for Chris Voss' position can be helped by reading Start With No
For training habits and understanding how we execute behaviors, Thinking, Fast and Slow
For dealing with hard arguments and heavy topics both Nonviolent Communication and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Learning what listening is, instead of "hearing" people. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone is a good book for that. This is touched on in Never Split the Difference and in the Charisma Myth because true listening, making the person you are speaking with feel "listened to and understood" is most of what makes a charismatic person work.
It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.
However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.
If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.
However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.
So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.
https://www.headspace.com/
http://stronglifts.com/
http://altshiftdiet.com/
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1474568476&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1474568493&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=chris+voss
http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1436544375&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=come+as+you+are
Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
Best of luck!
I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.
I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.
Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.
After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.
We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.
I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!
Good luck on spreading the love!
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706
http://polyamorydiaries.com/im-madly-in-love-with-you-but-dont-worry-its-not-a-big-deal/
My partner and I were only really okay with opening things up once we talked about the difference between "loving" and "committing".
I am committed to her, and I love her. I may love anyone we bring in, but I will never commit to them.
On top of that, we both read a few books and articles regarding what's unfulfilling about pure monogamy.
I'm not saying it wasn't difficult, I'm not saying there wasn't a lot of shouting and tears, but I am saying we both got through it and are much better for it.
Also, like you... she is bisexual and we first opened things up with a threesome to make it an "us" thing instead of a "you" or "me" thing.
This has "alcoholic mind-game" written all over it.
Get a copy of the book "Games Alcoholics Play".
>I recap the situation for him in the morning and he gets fucking pissed at ME like I fucking did something wrong and then when I tell him his hostility is groundless he says it's not groundless if he wants to be hostile
And for this, get a copy of "Emotional Blackmail" AND this book as well.
>In all honesty my BF is a great guy he just does stupid shit and thinks that he is somehow immune to his own policies just because he is himself. If I did to him what he did to me last night and this morning, we'd be broken up already, no question.
This is exactly the kind of statement often spoken by women who later end up in serious domestic violence situations.
Do your homework, get informed, study the recommended books before taking any further action with your boyfriend.
http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
MMSL is about men improving themselves in a way that leads to more and better sex in marriage. He expresses a few ideas better than I've seen elsewhere:
MMSL has specific suggestions for a good man in a good relationship to deliver better attractiveness cues.
No one else is giving advice to nice-guys about the actual practice of a good physical relationship. MMSL advises how to approach their GFs for sex, or how to handle sexual rejection. Consider http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/01/sexy-moves-ten-second-kiss.html for example.
MMSL is often rejected for being unrepentantly pro-sex, focused on men, simplistic, and taking an evo-psych/game view. If that bothers you, skip it.
There is a book, which is a convenient and better-organized version of the content of the blog plus maybe 20% more. http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331320784&sr=8-1
I'm sorry you're going through this.
You are very, very harsh on yourself. This is understandable, because like many people coming from an abusive home, you probably weren't talked to with love and kindness, so you could never learn to talk to yourself in a gentle, kind, respectful, loving way. Being this harsh with oneself is a telltale symptom of deep emotional wounds that need to heal. Please don't beat yourself up so much. You have accomplished a LOT. You have quit an abusive home where you grew up. This in itself is already quite amazing. You are independent, you have a job (however shitty). You pay your bills. You have gotten help, medications you need to function at this moment, and you've managed to not drink for a YEAR so that these medications could work correctly. This is huge. You have the persistence to show up at an AA meeting every Friday despite how hard things are. And yes, you have a bit of an internet addiction problem, because hell, you need SOMETHING to dull the pain, and yeah, it sucks, but there are so many addictions which are much worse. I'm not saying you should condone your surfing problem, but do give credit where credit is due. I know you say you "hate yourself so fucking much" at this moment, but this can change. You're not hate material ! This hate, it's not yours. This comes from your troubled childhood ; these hating, harsh, unkind voices, are not yours : they are your abusers'. In order to improve your life, including the internet issue, there are wounds that need to heal. The best way I know of is with the help of a compassionate, competent therapist (shop around ! Not all therapists are like this, and it really pays to take the time to find one you feel truly comfortable with). If this is too expensive or overwhelming at the moment, there are a couple of books that come to mind which may help you look at yourself in a different, kinder way. "In the realm of hungry ghosts", an amazing book about addiction by Gabor Maté comes to mind, and also maybe "Finding your own North Star" by Martha Beck. I'm sure there are many others.
You are very frustrated with your life at this moment, but clearly you haven't given up. You haven't "accepted" this life as your future. You need a couple more skills to advance (mostly about learning to manage your emotions, in my opinion) but you're getting close. Take a little break on the harsh, insulting self-talk for a while (it's not working very well anyway, is it ? ;) and let your frustrated, wounded self breathe a bit while you figure all this out. Make a little truce with yourself, if you will. Honestly, I think it's not going to be easy, but you have a fair chance of healing and moving closer to the life you would like to live. Take things one step at a time. Best luck to you.
The book Sex at Dawn is a great read. It has a lot of information on Bonobos and Chimpanzees and how they compare to us sexually. The major hypothesis is that humans are not actually biologically monogamous (and only culturally in ideal). He tries to prove the point by comparing us ti hunter gatherer cultures and to what is known of our closest ape relatives (Bonobos & Chimps) and the other Apes and primates.
My wife and I have been through something like what you describe, even though we're a lot older than you. We were lucky because when I realized we had a so-so sex life and started talking about improving, my wife was totally on board.
One of you has to step up to the plate and say that mediocre sex stops now. You're going to be the one to do that, probably, since you're the one who posted about it here.
You're going to have to learn to talk about sex openly and freely. This may be scary at first but it gets easier with practice. You need to be able to argue fairly about difficult topics. If you can't do that, learn. There are many good books about fighting fair as a couple that have exercises in them you can do together.
Read as much of /r/sex as you can stand, to learn how wide-ranging people's tastes are. Figure out what you want from sex and what turns you on. People's definition of bad sex varies widely.
You both need to visit mojoupgrade and fill out the quizzes there. Try everything you both are willing to try.
Get yourself a copy of this book which is 40% bullshit but the stuff in it that works, works great. Doubt everything you read in that book and take away the stuff that works for you.
Get into therapy, preferably with a therapist that does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which has a proven track record and is not just smoke and mirrors. Find out what makes you tick and learn to fix your broken parts.
This is just a start, a few stubs of ideas to help you. I wish you well.
Great, every houseless person just needs to move to Arkansas, youve solved it, thats a wrap. Go present to the thousands and thousands of social workers and policy makers working on this issue, theyll be kicking themselves they didnt think of this brilliant plan sooner. The lack of compassion and empathy is staggering.
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edit: for those who are actually looking for solutions, this book is an excellent start.
It's not impossible necessarily, but the concept in general can be kind of a turnoff for a lot of potential partners. u/violetbreen outlines a lot of the pitfalls really well, but basically it comes down to this: you need to remember that this person is a person. They will have wants and needs and feelings of their own that don't necessarily fit neatly within the box that you want them to fit into.
Questions to ask yourselves: Are you willing to be out with her as your partner (a lot to unpack here - what will you tell your families, how will you handle holidays, will you all live together, etc)? Will she be an equal parent to your child? Will she still be able to date people besides you? What will happen if her relationship with one of you winds up not working out but she's still in love with the other? Will you only have sex together as a group of three, or will you be able to pair off - or will only the two of you be allowed to have sex as a pair, but if she's involved then it has to be a threesome? If your marriage begins to struggle, will you include her in the conversations or therapy you engage in to try to repair the relationship? Are you willing to accept that your current relationship will be fundamentally and permanently altered once you enter into this new relationship?
There's a lot more than just these questions to consider. While the idea of an "equal partner" is alluring, it's important to recognize how tricky that relationship would be in practice. I'd encourage you to ask yourself why you specifically want an additional partner in your existing relationship versus each of you finding additional partners of your own. It's possible that you feel you would have better control of that type of situation, which makes sense but indicates that what you really want is control over your partner - meaning they would, in fact, not be "equal" after all.
If you haven't already, reading up on polyamory can be very helpful! My favorite resource is the book More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. You may also find unicorns-r-us to be helpful in answering some of your questions.
You are NOT wrong. They are not treating you in an ethical manner. The simple fact is that you, and only you, can decide who you want to have sex with. If you have sex with B only so that you can have sex with A, this is clearly manipulative on their part, and will cause problems in your own head later on because of the "cost" of having sex with A. You may come to feeling crappy about sex with A because you have to "bribe" B with sex to get it.
My advice is to put your foot down, and don't have sex with anyone you don't want to, and according to their rules, that means you'll probably have to break up with them. If B goes along with what you want and harbors resentment because of it, they might veto, or they will just turn against you eventually, and that's going to cause a lot more hurt down the road. I hate to break it to you that way, but in the end, this type of "equality rule" is unethical, and just plain bad news.
This dynamic (Your sex with one is contingent upon sex with both) is discussed in a great book, More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. You would do very well to read it if you haven't already, and decide how you want to go forward.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_YxHFzbFDRSPS2
You could try How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. There are separate versions for “Little Kids” and “Teens” as well. I’m not sure how old your kids are, but I also liked [1-2-3 Magic](1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting https://www.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_88L2AbPWR1BCY) for my son it really helped. Good luck!
Red? Consequences?
Sorry, but I go with the belief that kids are a direct reflection of what we do and do not teach them. If they are failing in your eyes, you might want to consider a different approach to how you parent them.
Down vote away, I'm used to it. But at least consider what I'm saying.
Getting people to do things, at any age, in all the right ways, is all a function of communication. At the core: trust and respect. If you don't have trust and respect in any relationship, then you don't have a relationship, and you can expect some level of failure.
As a parent and an adult, you take a lead role in the relationship. You really can't or shouldn't blame your kid for anything. They are a direct by-product of you and your methods for working with them. They mirror you, and they look to you for total guidance.
I even take this as far as never disciplining a child. Structure and rules to some degree, but never discipline. And really REALLY strong coaching and proper reinforcement.
At least consider it.
EDIT: One of the best books that I think every parent should read, and for that matter, everybody should read (no kids or not) is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Go check out a book called Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. I'd guess that's where OzmodiarTheGreat took most of his content from (maybe not, but that's pretty much how they lay it out) and it's a fascinating read, whether you end up buying the premise or not.
>I had personally verified that every other step was correct. He started talking about how "it's not the point of the problem", even though it would only take five minutes to explain, and eventually told me that he wasn't interested and just walked out. If he wasn't so insistent, I'm sure he could have easily explained what is going on.
Sometimes, to get a little you have to give a little. He was rude, but you didn't even seem to entertain his request for the actual problem.
It sounds like both parties could have handled the situation better. A perfect opportunity for a crucial conversation. [1]
[1] https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/
I wish there was good, easy to link advice to give the thousands of men on /r/deadbedrooms besides red pill stuff.
There is red pill "light" in the form of
These are very watered down but already labeled as "abusive".
And of course there is PUA stuff for what it's worth. Much tamer than red pill but already carrying a stigma in the mainstream.
(continued from main post)
continue to use drugs and continue in my current way of life, or take the blessing He was graciously offering me and give up drugs and marry her – that was His plan for me. I decided it was time to quit, and knew God would help me. I only had 1 joint left (coincidence?), so I smoked it and went to bed high. I woke up the next day sober and got rid of all my drug paraphernalia. I had no cravings anymore; that part of my life was over by the grace of God!
She was very clear with me from the first date that she expected to wait until marriage to have sex, which at that point was my goal as well. Christ had really set me free from many of my old habits over the previous year, and I wanted to honor Him. Her first marriage was to an abusive, alcoholic man. He was the only man she had ever been with. They split up shortly after coming to America after he almost killed her, and it was just her and her son and daughter for 8 years. Her daughter moved out before we got married, and her son was 16 when we got together. He took a liking to me right away when he found out we like the same music. A couple years later God even used me to lead him to salvation!
We were married in 2008, after dating for exactly 40 days. Now I know why it is important and why God wants us to wait until marriage to have sex!!! We have a connection unlike anything I have ever experienced before. A couple weeks after we got married, I threw all my porn in the trash.
Sex between us has always been great. She was pretty shy and reserved when we got married, but I coaxed her out of her shell little by little. She now has no trouble doing all the things I like, and is very enthusiastic sexually. I made it clear before we got married that I would want a lot of sex, and if that was a problem for her she should move on. She said "If you marry me, it will never be a problem." And it never has been. I get as much sex as I want. I have absolutely no desire to cheat anymore since I got married, and have not slept with anyone but my current wife since 2007.
However, shortly after we got married she started giving me a difficult time over the boy I have guardianship for. She knew the situation when we got married and agreed to it, but gave me grief about it later. She tried to tell me that his birth mom needed to step up and raise him instead of us. She got angry because birth mom was not paying her court-ordered child support (this has since changed). She even accused me of sleeping with my stepdaughter, going so far as to pressure me to get a DNA test, which I did just to shut her up. I am NOT the father, but I have chosen to be his Dad and am perfectly happy doing so.
Also, a few months after we were married, my son's soccer coach asked me if I would be interested in doing a devotional for his team before practices. I said yes, and began giving a spiritual message to the kids before each practice. Then I saw a program on Christian tv called The Way of the Master. I was blown away by the strong, direct message and the technique they use to share the gospel! I began watching every week, and soon began to order cd's, dvd's and gospel tracts from them. Since then I have learned to share my faith Biblically using the Law of God. It is powerful, and I am no longer afraid to share my faith with anyone! Soon after that, another soccer coach who attended my church asked if I would include his team in the practice devotional, and I said yes. Through him I was soon offered an opportunity to teach a Bible study at my church to a 65 and older class. I taught that class from 2009-2014.
I developed a great friendship with her older son as he became a man. He had been lifting weights since he was 15, and is ripped. He got married a few years ago, and moved across the country with his wife. His example and encouragement to eat better and be healthier motivated me, and I finally got around to getting braces in 2012. This caused me to give up soda, and I started losing weight. I started intermittent fasting January of 2013, and dropped from 252 to 179 lbs. In 2015 I started working out on an old Bowflex I had bought after we first got married, and gained some muscle and tone.
Then in August of 2015, my elderly parents moved in with us because they needed help with daily care. We had talked about it over the previous year, and we both agreed it was ok and we would take care of them. I made sure to double check, because I didn't want any misunderstandings later. My wife was nice and welcoming when they got here, but she quickly became more argumentative with them and me. It came to a head the second weekend after they arrived when she started on all of us, yelling and arguing and being totally irrational. We actually had to leave the house for a couple hours to keep it from escalating any further. I didn’t speak to her for a few days, and it was during this time that I Googled “How to get my wife to respect me. This led me to the Married Red Pill subreddit, where I created a Reddit login and submitted my first post. Needless to say, I was blown away by the advice I received. I had been reading the sidebar steadily, but the feedback in the comments I received specific to my situation was exactly what I needed at the time.
Since that post, I have slowly changed and molded myself into a strong RPChristian man. I took it slow, at my own pace, and am glad I didn’t try to change everything at once – small, steady changes with the frame to back it up. Frame took the longest for me, and the key to changing things was realizing that it was my emotional reaction to the things my wife said that was causing me the most problems. It took a long time to practice and internalize that my getting upset when my wife challenged me or said something I didn’t agree with stemmed from my subconscious view that SHE was the one in charge. Once I realized that it really was all up to me, and that I could make the decision and deal with the emotional frustration of her disagreeing, things really started changing for the better. This comment was a game changer for me in that respect. Because I was the classic Nice Guy ^^^TM, this part of my transformation took longer than anything else I did.
Now I take charge, showing leadership and making decisions. No more “I dunno, what do you want to do?” I decide. She can persuade me to change my mind if she wants. I have established clear boundaries, and although it took a while, she has come around and I get a lot more respect than I did in the past. I fix stuff around the house, maintain the cars, take responsibility for the bills and all things financial, have successfully completed a number of home-improvement projects around the house. I joined a gym in 2016, and have transformed my body. I had the advantage of working labor jobs for many years, so the muscle base was there, I just needed to shed the fat. My wife and son have since joined the gym as well, and we all go regularly.
These days, we go out into the community and hand out gospel tracts together and witness to people on the street, and both our sons can articulate and share their faith quite will. I minister online to others through Global Media Outreach, and answer questions online. I reach out on Facebook too. My wife reaches out to a very large Eastern European community here in our city. They are largely cultural Muslims, and my wife has an amazing gift of inviting others to our place to share the Gospel, as well as getting invited to others’ houses to share the gospel. The fact that she also speaks 5 different languages is a huge help in that endeavor, and I have had the opportunity to share the Gospel with many of them when they come over to our house on more than a few occasions.
I thank God for saving a wretched sinner like me, and am so thankful that He has chosen to use me for His glory! My life has become a witness to others, showing that even the worst and weakest can be changed by the power of Jesus Christ. In December of this year it will be 20 years since I gave my life to Christ. I could never have imagined 20 years ago that my life would be anything like it is today. My mess has become my message, and I have no problem sharing my past struggles and the change that has followed for the benefit of others. I have a long way to go yet, but God is faithful and I will get there by His grace!
In closing, here is the list of books that I have found to be the most helpful to me on my journey:
As well as almost all the posts on RPChristians, Married Red Pill and AskMRP.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I pray you will be blessed and encouraged by it!
And thanks to u/OsmiumZulu, whose post inspired this one.
Forget marriage counselling: anyone who is red pill will tell you that it is bullshit. Marriage counselling is what women do to "tick a box" before they file for divorce, just so they can say (to themselves, to their friends/family, to the judge) that they "tried". DO NOT go to marriage counselling. Save your time and money.
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You NEED to read these ASAP:
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+rational+male&qid=1555503274&s=gateway&sr=8-1
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Preventive-Medicine/dp/1508596557/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=the+rational+male&qid=1555503274&s=gateway&sr=8-2
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This book is referred to as "The Red Pill Bible".
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Asking your wife for marriage counselling? Crying and screaming in front of her and the kids? Begging her for forgiveness? Saying things like “She is my one and only” and “I’ve always loved her and I always will”? You need stop this nonsense and focus on becoming a MAN. The fact that you did or said any of this is evidence of your childish, feminized mindset. You need to first understand masculinity, and then you need to work on becoming masculine.
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Please, you NEED to learn the foundational, basic stuff first. You need to change yourself; build yourself from the ground-up anew. Otherwise, no one-time advice that we give about specific situations will do anything for you.
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Ok, now let me at least focus on something specific here.
That “uhh... sure” you heard? Let's be honest, you don't even have to be red-pilled to understand what's going on here. You're still a biological man, and as a biological man, you have certain instincts that are hard-wired into your brain. I think the fact that you asked what it means is evidence that there's something, a feeling in your gut or a voice in the back of your mind, telling you that something about that interaction and her response was not "right". This may not make sense to you at the moment, which is why I keep telling you to learn the basics ASAP, but women do NOT respect, are NOT attracted to, and are NOT aroused by vulnerability in men - they see it as weakness. Your begging her for forgiveness (even if you did act like a child) and asking her to go to marriage counselling is a supreme act of weakness on your part - especially after you already displayed supreme weakness when you broke-down before. All you just did was further solidify in her mind that you're a weak man. Women DO NOT want to associate with weak men, and they CERTAINLY do NOT want to be married to one or be saddled with the offspring of a weak man. That “uhh... sure” was her being disgusted with you.
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You need to understand that you've obviously been raised in a blue-pill way. No one has even taught you what masculinity is, how men should act, women's nature or how to interact with them. Your actions are evidence of this.
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I'm not saying you should be a domineering asshole who abuses his wife or other women - that is absolutely NOT what the red pill is about, and absolutely NOT what we advocate for here. The red pill is about masculinity (real masculinity - not the feminized nonsense you hear about in mainstream media), and that is what it teaches and what we discuss in the red pill community.
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When you're reading those books, focus on the parts about "making yourself your own mental point of origin", self-improvement, and applying what's known as "dread". The fact of the matter is that your recent actions, as well as your financial state, has caused your wife to lose respect for you; you are no longer the man she married in her eyes. You need to build yourself back up - not for her, but for yourself. If this marriage ends, and there's a good chance it will, it makes NO DIFFERENCE to what you need to do moving forward from now. You need to learn the basic/foundational red pill material, internalize it, and work on yourself (go to the gym, eat healthy, work on your financial situation, read books, etc.).
Am inceput In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction de Gabor Maté. Nu se citeste repede, prin prisma povestilor de viata grele, dar este foarte frumoasa.
Am inceput documentarul de pe Netflix, Inside Bill's Brain: Decoding Bill Gates. Foarte fain, probabil si mai misto pentru un baiat, ca povesteste chestii tehnice. Dar ce vrea/a reusit sa faca in Africa , ca inovatie, este wow. M-a surprins si ca au existat universitati care nu i-au raspuns cand le-a cerut ajutorul, nici macar ca sa ii zica nu. Cum sa iti dea mail Bill Gates si tu sa nu raspunzi? Gets to show you, you can be ghosted no matter your status.
I found this book helpful, especially the first third.
http://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert-World/dp/0761123695
Got any hobbies? If there's something you can share with others like juggling, skating or music; that's a good way to socialise a little but stop it from being just endless banal chatter like visiting a bar.
I suggest you check out these books
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love
That is really exciting! Good luck :)
I have a variety of experiences I could share but I'm not sure what's relevant so I'll give some general advice first. Probably the most important thing is to communicate openly about your needs, desires, and boundaries. Especially the two of you who are already in a relationship. If you start to experience negative feelings about the situation, don't hide that on account of thinking you "shouldn't" feel that way. When you talk it through with a partner you can often find a way to work through those emotions.
Make sure you agree ahead of time, before the opportunity presents itself, about any limits on sex with others, and especially about safer sex practices. If you do end up having sex with him, either individually or as a threesome, it'd be good for you and your girlfriend to check in after the fact and talk about how you feel.
There are some books you could read such as The Ethical Slut or More Than Two as well as a lot of podcasts and blogs.
Remember, there's no one right way to do it. You really get to choose your own adventure together, which is part of what makes poly so awesome!
> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.
This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.
> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?
You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.
On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.
> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?
Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.
Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.
There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"
The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.
> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?
Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).
Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.
> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?
The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w
Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.
If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.
A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:
Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!
You could try reading the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay"
Part of my divorce was what you describe - and my ex is not living "a happier" life.
I do understand your position, and you probably feel underappreciated or alone..... but you need to also try and give your husband the benefit of the doubt ($1000s in therapy and that was the best advice - it is simple and true). He too is working and exhausted, he too needs love and attention..... He too needs to escape (TV or other distractions).... And these times are difficult, children are difficult. You should ask yourself how he has changed, has his dream of an "authentic life" really disappeared? Probably not, he is just getting up and working to make sure the house is over your head and food on your plate. He probably has shifted his view of the world as well, kids will do that.... He probably wants to see your kids have the best outcome - and that might not be a tiny home, home schooled while driving around the world... He probably is trying to make sure there is stability in their life.
Have you gone on a date with him recently? Have you tried to talk with him and work on your physical relationship? Have you tried? Marriage is hard, and divorce will not make it easier and the courts will definitely reduce your "dreams of an authentic" life because they only care about consistency and predictable future for your children.
Another "$1000s advice from marriage therapy", you need to create positivity in your relationship. It does not happen naturally, it is work and it is intentional. Stop expecting from him and stepup to create a better relationship for you and him. A healthy relationship needs 4 out of 5 (generic #s) to be successful. If you have more negative, then you will have a unrealistic and unhealthy belief your husband is a "problem".
Marriage is tough, mainly because you are doing things out of love. Being a mother is tough, because you are constantly being selfless (and fatherhood is the same - he too is giving up on dreams and being selfless)....try reading 7 principals that make a marriage work (link below), it is a interactive marriage book for couples.... And you would be surprised at how not unique your marriage difficulties are, at how "textbook" your situation is.... A lot of people struggle with your exact issues and situation.... A lot of marriages end do to the transition from "ideal love" to "fuck: kids, work and family are taxing in life".
And... To counter your issues, ask yourself how "free" your life will be when you are single and working to stay a float. Having to do 100% of your life work and planning... Trust me, that dream of a unique life will be harder to accomplish. How unique will it be dating again, trust me it is not that cool and unique having 1 night stands and being disappointed over and over again.
Try and talk with your husband about your dreams and needs, and ask that he really listens to you.... And then you need to drink a dose of reality and be patient. Life will happen and give both of you time to reacclimate to life as parents.
But, honestly... if anything, try to work on your relationship... It is the easiest and most rewarding work you can do. There are great resources out there. If you choose therapy, be judgemental and picky because there are bad therapist out there. The tpey of therapy that I appreciated was EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). It is research based and focused on bad habits.
Here is a start:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_mAQuDbWNFBMXB
Take care, you can do this! Because, being loving and supportive parents and not divorced is a unique life... Try to change your perspective. (But don't run away from your dreams, just plan and live them out).
1.) You are putting the opinion of others above your core values. You believe you need to prove yourself to others and have an external locus of control.
2.) Your wife is overweight/unhappy because of the above. She wants a man who acts like a man.
suggested reading:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1343349702&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+superior+man
http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1343349734&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=models%3A+attraction
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1343349752&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=no+more+mr.+nice+guy
I realize that all of this year's books have been chosen but I have to suggest "The Way Of The Superior Man" by David Deida
Wow, are you me? I have nearly the same story.
My dad grew up with physical abuse so he went 180 and became an absent father. If he wasn't always at work he was literally ignoring everything by watching TV.
My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive, possibly overcompensating from my father never parenting. Maybe that's also why he zoned out in front of the TV, to avoid my mother.
As a teen I was in therapy and identified I was severely missing my absent father. Just a few months ago I realized I still am still seeking his approval, as if I'm 20 years younger.
Both of my parents were emotionally immature and my gf recently gave me a wonderful book that helped me understand both of their parenting dynamics, and how to cope with them now.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_p3lZCb458Y2X3
I'm currently very low contact with them both.
Why did I suddenly dive down the rabbit hole into my parents dynamic? My girlfriend has 2 kids. I have always had a strong aversion toward having kids. I realized it was mostly because I didn't want to become my parents and have a child become resentful of their own childhood like I did. I had to figure out why parents did what they did, and now I can make sure to break the cycle.
Yes. From what we know about BPD, it's partially onset by a genetic factor of higher emotions than most people. What completes the onset is being raised in an emotionally invalidating environment. Abuse or neglect of our (high) emotional needs can very well stunt your emotional growth into full on BPD.
You mention your parents a lot. This book is free to read on Amazon Prime and it's wonderfully insightful to what you may have experienced with the parental situation you're describing.
Actively listening to another can be challenging, at least for me. For anyone interested in how to develop this skill, this book is a good place to start..
My girlfriend who faces a similar situation tells me reading the following book has been very helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
It's amazing how much behavior overlap there is between end-users and children.
Have you tried reading books on how to effectively communicate?
This may entail conflict resolution strategies, proper body language and eye contact, and conversation strategies.
I know it sounds quite mechanic, but it's better than nothing.
I've even heard this book provides unintentional tips when dealing with adults (it is intended for parents to deal better with children!)
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=pd_ybh_a_18?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=MNQDXANPR0FJM3G6MV17
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
After reading it I realized that elements of the book are actually applicable to marital relationships and talking to human beings generally. I revisit it periodically for a mental tune up.
When I have a mutually stressful interaction with my kiddo I usually realize with 20/20 hindsight that it could have gone differently if I’d navigated it in the manner described in the book. Just yesterday morning I (sadly) yelled at her because she was taking an impossibly long time to put her shoes on and we were about to be late for school. Afterwards I realized that she was probably having emotions about the fact that she recently switched schools. This morning she presented the same behavior and I talked to her and acknowledged her feelings. Then she opened up to me and told me how she misses our old morning routine and misses her friends from her old school and didn’t want to get dressed because she didn’t want to leave the house and could we just stay home and hug each other this morning. It was a moment of real closeness and understanding. Then I started trying to get her to tell me things she liked about the new school and reasons she could be happy there and she clammed up. I realized I was trying to change her feelings, a bad idea as described in the book. So I just told her it was hard and held her. She then willingly got dressed. By the time we reached her new school she had on her own come up with some things to look forward to.
There’s also a book specific to little kids co-authored by one of the daughters of the authors of the original.
I have to say I’ve been startled by the degree to which my three year old can participate in problem solving for issues related to herself, I don’t think it would have occurred to start the process with her as a young toddler if I hadn’t read the book.
Ooh, I have three recommendations. I am RBB also. I didn't have a clue starting out, and I was scared to death. My two kids are now mostly grown, 17 and 21.
When your baby is 2:
1-2-3 Magic
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/0963386190
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X (This is new to me, but written by the daughter of the author of the original, below, got great reviews and is based on the same respect principles of the first one)
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (school-age Kids)
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
You know what surprised me about parenting? How much your kids WANT to please you. They can be plenty feisty (uncooperative) sometimes, but usually I found that was for a predictabel reason. With little ones, it was because they were hangry or tired. I had to learn from another mother that my kids was throwing herself on the ground because she needed to eat at regular intervals (it was mealtime, and the other mother recognized the signs).
My kids really wanted to please me and my husband. The most important thing, I found, was to make it easy for them to please us (picking our battles, having reasonable boundaries--which kids need and push for, and treating them with respect). If we weren't assholes, they were mostly cooperative. Funny how that works.
I wish I had worried less. My kids love me and I love them. It was tiring, but not HARD to build a happy family together, and I learned far more from them about how to love than they ever learned from me, because it comes NATURALLY to human families (except where love is tortured out of you by BPD or other dysfunction). I'm pretty bummed because my younger has terrible anxiety and depression recently, she says due to academic stress. Sometimes I think I was a bad parent and my husband and I passed down our shitty legacy from our own parents: We both have PD parents. My younger says not, but I dunno. She struggled because I was down for the count for several years while she was in middle school and being bullied. More about that below. My elder calls me every day from college and loves her father and my company. They both love us. Weird, right?
About my younger and why I was unable to be a good parent a few years back: I stayed in contact with my abusive mother and she was totally incorporated into my family because she lives only a few minutes away and has no one else. Of course. My health suffered. I developed chronic pain that all but destroyed my life. Since I found out about being RBB, and admitted to myself and others that I was abused and actually hate my mother, my pain all but disappeared!!! This just happened. I am furious. My uBPD mother is the gift that just keeps on giving. If my being out of commission laid the foundation for my beautiful daughter's current depression, I want to kill my mother. What I am trying to say is that the most important thing for you to raise your baby so she/he is emotionally healthy is for YOU to acknowledge and heal from your own abuse, and protect yourself from your BPD parent NOW. In my experience, you can only do that by distancing yourself from your BPD parent. I thought everything was fine because I had set very strong boundaries, never allowed my kids to be alone with her when they were young (after I saw troubling manipulative behavior with my younger, age 2), and basically had almost not a cross word with my mother in 20 years. The thing is, she turned into a waif, and I didn't know I was still being abused by BPD, just differently.
I don't mean to preach. I'm just positive that BPD is very, very damaging to us and--through us--to our little ones, even if we don't think so.
Good luck. Babies are adorable. And hard. But adorable.
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had to let my first toddler teach me how to accept hugs. The baby stage was fine: lots of cuddling happened, but when she was a toddler I became aware that when she ran at me for a hug I often froze. I remember the same reaction from when I was a teenager and all the other girls were touchy-feely and I would just want to crawl away so no-one would touch me, and then be ashamed that I couldn't be affectionate like all the other squealing girls. Thanks, Mom. With my little one, I resolved to remember to breathe, drop to her level and MAKE myself stay still fr a hug. I also made up a rule for myself that I would never let go first: We were done when she decided we were done. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I soon learned to LOVE her hugs. And, of course, to set reasonable boundaries, because it isn't always hugging time, right? She learned to wait sometimes, and I learned to accept hugs.
RBB, man. It sucks.
By reading this fantastic book: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk.
A lot of the child psychology coming out these days is all about listening and helping kids put words to their emotions. Instead of trying to correct behavior, point out the emotion they are having and allow them time to figure out a solution. "Oh, it looks like you're tired." "You seem frustrated with this homework." Give him data and help him build his emotional intelligence to be able to solve the puzzle on his own.
I highly recommend this book:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/
Kids are tiny humans who have a lot of stuff going on inside their minds and bodies. And we often forget that they have this whole other universe going on inside their heads, just like we do, but nobody has taught them what to do about it.
Oh wow, it certainly seems like you and your partner are not communicating well. I reccomend that you both read More Than Two, it is an excellent resource for people who are in open relationships. I did want to mention that polygamy and polyamory are not interchange able terms. ♡
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0991399706/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_W-l5Ab066TXHY
Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace) by Chade-Meng Tan. This was a great book on the importance of mindfulness and emotional intelligence.
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. Helped me get on the path to decluttering my life.
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover helped me to stop seeking approval from others and insuring my own needs are met.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini. A good introduction to social psychology.
These are just a few I've read in the past few years that have helped me. Good luck!
1- she is not an HB 8 take of the goggles, pull her off the pedestal (cheating is not attractive)
2- Your frame is for shit (you are thinking you might be guilty of "imposing on trust and privacy" by verifying and you find out she is still receiving messages
You have 3 kids, one is an infant ? And, you honestly think she would feel violated if you confronted her ?
You may have read your whole list of books, but, let me explain a dose of reality, you have not made the content yours
"This most recent exchange ended with him saying “Love you”. My wife replied with “Thanks, Love you too”. "
"and my wife returned with an “I love you too”, which I know my wife would just say is a “friendly” thing, as she does say “love you” to lots of different friends and family members, but this did not sit well with me.
absolutely unacceptable. hard boundary crossed
Read
Read
Read chapter 27
What I would do, you wouldn't have the stomach or guts for, but then again, most men aren't me
last statement - I pray for your son and medical issues, I also pray for you to internalize the sidebar and draw some boundaries. Most importantly, for self respect. Good Luck
> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.
That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.
> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.
Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.
> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.
You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.
After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.
Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.
Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.
I feel like this should be considered normal for a heterosexual male. Tight leggings naturally draw your eyes to them. I recommend not to surpress the attraction but instead to let it flow over you, without letting it consume you. Just observe it and be thankful for the extra feeling of energy that it gives you. Maybe think about what attracts you to your gf, I suspect it is more than just her body.
In general, I have come to be thankful of the energy that emerges from attraction to the female. For me, the book Way of the Superior Man helped a lot here.
Yes, and it helped me a lot. So if you are interested in starting on your own, you can read this book by Dr. David Burns. There's also a workbook or two depending on what you prefer.
CBT is all about learning how to change the way you think. Basically it's becoming actively involved in your thinking and feeling patterns. It is a good thing to do this with a therapist, because having an objective viewer on your thought processes is invaluable. That said, it doesn't hurt to get started on your own.
It's the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It's a really good read, I would recommend it.
Exactly. There is nothing wrong with calmly saying "I feel X and the reason is because you did Y."
Flying off the handle or saying something accusatory like "You ALWAYS do Y and you know I don't like it" will get you nowhere.
A great book on relationships is John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
(Don't be put off by the word "marriage." What he says applies to all relationships.)
Actually, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is surprisingly good too.
[Edit:typos]
The thing about people who say that she shouldn't marry you because you're unequally yoked and all that kind of ignores that you've been in a relationship, a sexual relationship, for many years already. That's some kind of de facto status right there that they should be wary of breaking off. That forms some physical and spiritual bonds that people who aren't trained professionals shouldn't be messing with.
The "worship leader" sounds like a douche. People in a position to be giving spiritual advice and counseling should not be romantically involved or have hopes of becoming romantically involved with people they give such counsel to. If he's not qualified to be giving counsel, he should butt out because he's tampering with a longstanding relationship and reckoning with forces larger than he knows. It's terribly irresponsible of him.
As for marriage: marriage is a wonderful thing and I highly recommend it to everybody. It is also a great undertaking, the hardest thing you will ever do (until you have children), but you also have the strength to do it and I know you can. But the thing is, it requires a lot of humility, self-sacrifice, and maturity. It's not something to be entered into lightly, not the sort of thing you "just" do. I think you should strongly consider it. I have a book recommendation for you, it's a secular book, I think it will be helpful to you and your relationship even if you don't get married, and it will even be helpful in other types of relationships: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797 It's cheap and very helpful. The principles in there also help with friendships, coworker relationships, whatever. But I think if you read it, it will not only be helpful for your relationship, but it will give you a small window of insight into the sort of everyday struggles of married life and give you some positive context for viewing marriage.
As others have pointed out, this is emotional manipulation - most definitely.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201305/7-ways-get-out-guilt-trips
http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation/00020313
http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-When-People-Obligation/dp/0060928972
Yes, I spent a short time in therapy to deal with an emotionally abusive dad. It helped me really come to terms with the fact that bad people can be parents too. (That might sound like a silly realization but it really helped me, as I couldn't really grasp what I had done to deserve getting stuck with him as a father). A few books my therapist recommended helped too:
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1396693883&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=toxic+parents
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1396693911&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=toxic+parents
There's also /r/raisedbynarcissists, which might be a good place for you to talk to people who can understand what it's like to have an emotionally abusive parent.
Where ever you go there you are.
My answer is less about dating than it is about abuse in general.
You will probably fall back into unhealthy habits with people you are in relationships with unless you examine why it got so bad in the first place. People tend to repeat old habits and seek out similar relationships. However, if this was just a one time thing, you might not have any problem at all.
It's horrible that someone abused you and controlled you and hurt you. She was wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through whatever happened.
I don't know what sort of relationships you've had in the past, if you have a history of abusive relationships or not, and I don't know how your parents treated you or each other.
I'd say do what makes you feel right. If you need time, you need time and if you want to date you can date. If you have two conflicting feelings, than share these with the person you are dating.
Here are some questions to think about:
Do you feel like you can identify what went wrong in the past relationship concretely, like specific instances?
Why did you stay with them, how long did you stay and why did you stay so long?
Do you know what assertiveness is and how good are you at practicing it?
Do you feel you are responsible for other people's feelings and happiness?
Do you have clean boundaries when it comes to people hurting you? What are your boundaries and how do you communicate them?
Abuse is systematic, is builds up slowly, usually as you invest more (say by moving in or having children) and it can be hard to spot and easy to fall into old patterns.
I recommend this book:http://www.amazon.ca/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0060928972
And this website:http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html
You have people around who can help on reddit, there is also reading on the internet. I don't know what type or how bad the abuse was but there are counselors out there who can help you protect yourself by developing boundaries and learning what is reasonable to expect as being responsible for emotions go. You may not need them, however they are out there.
I wish you the best. hugs
EDIT: Oh and it's ok that you still have feelings for someone. It's normal. What is important is that you take care of yourself first though, your own food, shelter, stability, desire to get up in the morning, having friends and work and hobbies and living life to the full in general is what is best for you right now.
Perhaps you and your SO would benefit from reading the following books together: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, and Open Relationships.
Sex at Dawn gives a great evolutionary perspective on why some of us crave multiple lovers, The Ethical Slut will make you embrace your slutdom as long as you're ethical about it (which it sounds like you are!), and though I haven't yet read Opening Up, I hear it's a great how-to guide for open relationships and communication.
I agree. Sex at Dawn made a much better case for female vocalization than this article did. Moans can effectively be used for communication between active partners but the need to is a natural response for the female and not the male.
You hit the nail on the head. When I realized my mother threw tantrums like a child and my father responded very immature in kind I found an amazing book that really helped me identify their behavior
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
Trust me guys give it a read it will help a lot if you're still in the deep swamp of "why did they act this way"
Standing up for yourself can also be done in a nonthreatening way to the person who is doing things that don't help. A formal structure for this is called nonviolent communication.
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
Before you go ahead with anyone's advice here, I strongly recommend you read Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg (or at least skim through it). His approach, as a whole, may not be entirely appropriate for this situation, but some of the basic ideas he lays out are universal to productive communication.
For instance, he talks about separating the objective events at the root of a conflict from our subjective judgments of it. A lot of people in this thread seem to agree your coworker is a tattle-tale, but using that kind of language to call him out is not likely to win his sympathy or encourage him to reevaluate his own behavior. On the contrary, this is the kind of communication that immediately puts people on the defensive (if you've ever been on the receiving end of this with a hypercritical domestic partner, you may have done the same yourself).
Instead, he recommends making an objective observation (e.g., you've shared your criticisms of my work publicly with our boss and coworkers three times so far this week) before stating your feelings, needs, and a request. Again, maybe a little too hippie dippy for the hypermasculine environment of a shop, but there are some solid gold tidbits throughout.
It's a lot, but you seem to have the self-awareness to make good use of it.
The people saying we can't help you with all of this are correct - some of this is about mediation, communication, and culture.
But some of it is about gaming, and we can help with that part.
First of all, from my experience it's important to choose a system and / or implied setting that won't inflame the parents. Kids won't have trouble with systems. I started w/ B/X D&D in the red box at 10 years old and it was fine - I started my own son at 7 with D&D 3.5 (not my favorite game even at the time, but the reasons for choosing it were sound...) and he did fine. What you have to worry about is probably parents. In the US, it was easy to run afoul of religious zealots who freak out about any hint of magic. It still is.
I'm not sure what the social conditions are where you are, you're the best judge of that, but I would direct you to Beyond the Wall It's inexpensive and has several free expansions but here are the reasons I recommend it:
It's mostly a OSR D&D-like game.
I recommend that game a lot.
In your situation, you might also like to look at Psi*Run. It was developed by Meguey Baker (D. Vincent Baker's wife and game design collaborator) for use in a teen RPG program at a library. It's meant to get kids right into the action immediately - they're super-powered teens (like X-Men) fleeing a force that wants to capture them.
Good luck with the rest of it. Oh - I'm not a counsellor or social worker, but you might want to read the book, Nonviolent Communication. It's got a lot of advice for how to deal with charged situations and long-standing bad feelings.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1626251703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1482260262&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=adult+children+emotionally+immature&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51P9RJmQ6eL&amp;ref=plSrch
It's really shitty to be in a relationship with someone and not wish them happy birthday (assuming you knew it was their birthday and clearly he did). What was his excuse for canceling? Unless he had a really good excuse, that was definitely pretty shitty. It sounds like you told him it was important to spend your birthday with him and he decided not to. I can see why you feel upset. I would feel upset too if I had asked to spend my birthday with someone and they didn't even wish me happy birthday. I would try to tell him that you are felling hurt (try to use non-violent communication if you can: http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1347154038&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=non-violent+communication). I'd ask him to validate your feelings and work on keeping dates when they are important to you. If he doesn't validate your feelings and promise to try to do better; I'd move on to someone who can and will want to be more considerate of your feelings.
"Feeling Good" by David Burns. Covers Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
First off, don't do anything just to satisfy other people. More often than not, they don't actually have your best interests in mind (even if they themselves think they do.) One of the greatest strengths we as introverts have is the fact that we don't need the external validation in the same way as extraverts do. In that sense, we're independent in a way our extraverted counterparts are not.
If you have your own reasons for wanting to get out and about with other people (and not just the opinions and urgings of the people you reference), then and only then should you pursue such a course of action.
Seeking out other introverts to interact with could be an easy way to get out there. Introverts tend to just "get each other" in ways that make socializing feel natural and make you forget to "try" to be a good conversationalist. If you're wondering where to find other introverts, I'd recommend events which are about a subject or activity rather than about the people there. That is, gravitate toward crafting groups, conventions, book clubs, and such rather than parties, bars, clubs, mixers, etc. Also, groups which involve fewer people (or at least groups where you only end up interacting with a few people) are better.
Finally, I'd recommend you make some effort to find out what is good about being introverted. I honestly can't recommend the book The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World enough.
Yes and no, though for me it’s more social anxiety than shyness.
Yes, because we live in a society that values extroversion, and we’re made to feel guilty for not fitting that mold. There have been times I’ve wished (albeit briefly) that I was more extroverted because it seems like life would be so much easier.
However, I try to remind myself that my introversion is deeply connected to personal qualities of which I’m proud: thoughtfulness, deep-thinking, being a good listener, etc. Life might be easier as an extrovert, but being an introvert isn’t something to be ashamed of (though I’ll admit that it’s taken me time to realize that). I know it sounds cheesy, but there’s a book called “The Introvert Advantage” by Marti Olsen Laney that helped me feel less guilty/ashamed and more proud of qualities that our pro-extrovert society doesn’t necessarily appreciate. I’d recommend checking it out. It may also help you articulate some of the things you’ve struggled to explain to your friends. It made a huge difference when my very extroverted mother read it - she told me she finally understood some of the things I did that had baffled her or that she had completely misinterpreted.
Please try not to hate your
shyness orintroversion. There are always going to be some people who will judge you for not being extroverted, but you know what? Screw them. If they aren’t willing to make an effort to see what lies beneath the surface, it’s their loss.&#x200B;
Edit: I just looked back at my copy of "The Introvert Advantage" (I really do hate that title, but it IS a good book), and there are a few bits the author wrote on shyness that you might find interesting (bold emphasis is mine):
[Introverts] are people who need private space to refuel, who do not gain their primary energy from external activities, and who usually need time to reflect and think before they speak. In this chapter I will discuss what they are not. They are not scaredy cats, shrinking violets, or self-absorbed loners. Nor are they necessarily shy or antisocial. As a society we don’t see introverts accurately because we are looking at them through a lens of incorrect assumptions. Most introverts don’t understand their own temperament because they have grown up with their own misconceptions about introversion.
Also:
Shyness is social anxiety, an extreme self-consciousness when one is around people. It may have some genetic roots (in the form of a highly reactive fear center), but it is usually learned from experiences at school, with friends, and in families. For some, it comes and goes at various ages and in certain situations. Shy people may feel uncomfortable with one-on-one conversations or in group situations. It is not an issue of energy; it is a lack of confidence in social situations. ....Shyness is not who you are (like introversion), it is what you think other people think you are, and therefore it is responsive to behavior change.
&#x200B;
So perhaps a big part of the problem is that we've come to accept the fact that terms like "shy" are foisted upon us, and that doesn't help the situation. The author mentions some books that may help you feel more confidence in certain social situations. Since I haven't personally read any of them, I hesitate to recommend specific books. I would first read "The Introvert Advantage." I think that just feeling more comfortable understanding and accepting why we are the way we are can make a big difference in feeling more confident in certain social situations.
When I was 19 and gaming all day I was literally a waste because I only consumed and produced nothing. I was just a burden to those who were supporting my financially and socially. If you want to be a professional artist then get better than everyone else. Disney only hires the best of the best, same with any other company. Start a YouTube channel and upload consistently. Find your own way. You're not 14 anymore. Life will hit you soon. Also know that introversion is not a bad thing. It's just a different way of thinking. I'm introverted myself and can solve problems most extroverts can't. I recommend reading this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Introvert-Advantage-People-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695 It delves into understanding extroversion and introversion from each other's perspective. It's pretty good and you may learn a few things about yourself.
No one is purely an introvert or an extrovert. Just like most other things, there is a spectrum. You want to be alone to recharge, then you want to be with people to fulfill a basic human need for belonging.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695
This book is amazing. I read it a couple of times. The basic idea (in reference to what you're asking advice for) is to plan. If you know that there is a party or some get-together coming up, you need to be alone for a period of time beforehand. Once you've been alone for a long enough period of time to recharge, you'll be ready to get out there and socialize, thus reducing the "I really want to talk with someone but can't" reaction.
And then sometimes, like all introverts, you'll find that you can't plan this out and you just need to forgive yourself for not wanting to talk to other people.
First Part:
> hopefully someone will write something that makes something click in me.
Like you did in me? Quite a few people wrote GOOD THINGS, but I still wanted to take a crack at it as much of what you wrote resonated with me. While I've figured out many things for myself, I thought I might share what I found useful.
Your TL;DR :: i'm not interested in anything and have tried to find things but seriously don't care about anything. i spend my day sleeping, wasting time on the internet, sometimes exercising, rarely reading, watching stupid shit on the internet, doing the bare minimum to pass my courses.. thats about it.
My TL;DR :: To Follow Your Bliss, you must find it first. While traveling the highway of introspection there was a flat on the off-ramp. Seeing life through a fish-eye lens makes it difficult to focus. Reaching for the light is hard under the shadow of the family tree. A lonely island castaway trying to send an message in a bottle if only you can find something to write with. Or a bottle.
Everything I write below is just a reply to what you wrote taken at face value trying not to read too much into anything except with what I can empathize with.
Innie or Outie? In a world that is geared for the extrovert, life is a challenge for the introvert. If for no other reason than they are misunderstood making it harder to relate. But recognize this which means now you just need to find the ways to maximize its potential. Read the 2003 article link at least as I think it will be very useful.
Labels and Adjectives. I saw a lot of self descriptions along with a lot of apologies. People are more than a just a collection of adjectives or an entry out of the DSM. Reading through your posts I see you say: introverted. rowdy. silly. intelligent. knowledgeable. smart. depressed. attractive. bitter. indifferent. overwhelmed. lonely. bored. lazy. smart. disappointed. scared. apathetic. angry. motivated. and optimistic. Like growing up with Schoolhouse Rock its only natural to identify and classify, but I cringe when people label either themselves or others because that box is so hard to break out of -- identified by afflictions and behavior rather than just as the humans they are. You said that you feel like you 'sound as a huge bitch.' Some who have posted in the past proclaim themselves a loser or a terrible person. The fact is most people who really ARE those things are not self-aware. The fact that you can be introspective, usually means you are NOT whatever awful things you think you are. (BTW, that goes for everyone else posting at SW! Sincerely.)
In the middle. There is nothing that can rob you of your youth that everyone deserves -- and its opportunity to socialize with your peers -- than having to become an adult too soon, either by being a victim of abuse, or stepping into that role when the other adults step away. I was born a small adult to a pair of rather old parents. I know what it is like to get up in the middle of the night to play mediator, referee, or even bouncer. All that is even more difficult if you have to do that between multiple family members. You want to not resent them because you love your family, but the more you resist, the more bitter you may one day become. That rage you were referring to before? Let it out in whatever healthy ways you can. Its one of the best reasons I can think of contributing to your 1000 yard stare which I can identify with.
All in the family. You choose your friends, but your family you are born with. Despite the love you can have for them, when you end up playing roles you weren't meant to, it takes its toll. In addition to mediator, you also lived under a shadow. If that role didn't rob you of the socialization you needed, the dynamics of the relationship with your sister probably did. Add on the parental over-protection and that makes it difficult to even breathe. When I was a kid I ended up riding a bike with a motorcycle helmet of all the silly things. I couldn't go on class field trips because the buses didn't have seatbelts. You name it, a worried mother who makes their child the center of their life with no additional friends of their own, as mine did, make spreading your wings like trying to break the grip of the gravity of Jupiter. When you say that leaving for school was one of the best things in your life, I have no doubt at all! Even though you don't know what you want yet, continuing to push the envelop to develop and maintain your independence is the best thing you can do. But it is hard to do it alone. The thing I heard the most in that passage was your need to EXPRESS YOURSELF. I'm thinking in addition to some of your humanities studies you would benefit greatly from some arts as well. I speak from experience.
Storm has helped a ton of us to learn to make mead the right way. He'll help you too if you'll stop the name calling. This book is looked at as the published authority, although I've heard it's slightly dated:
https://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802
On the other hand, this sub's wiki is probably some of the best info around. I'm not kidding.
In bulk, expect to pay $3-6 a lbs (12 lbs/gallon) for good honey by the time you get it to your doorstep, and it hasnt seemed to get any cheaper in the past few years. Youll need 3-4 lbs of honey per gallon of finished mead. The two easiest and cheapest to find are wildflower and clover; neither really require the beekeeper to do much but harvest.
Wildflower honey can be all over the place in terms of taste, depending on the native plants around the bees and the season that the bees went to town. It makes an okay mead. Clover honey also makes a so-so mead. Personally, I would buy Orange Blossom. If West Coast, try Miller's in California, if east coast try Dutch Gold. I buy my OB by the 5gallon pail, and it is $165-185 delivered to Texas; I like Miller's only slightly better, but it is slightly more expensive for me.
There are lots of crazy varieties of varietal honey where the beekeeper takes the hives to areas where a single plant is blooming in mass. Just a list of some of the varietal honeys available: Blackberry, Buckwheat, Mesquite, Tupelo, Basswood, Blueberry, Cotton, Fireweed, Raspberry, Sage, Star Thistle, Apple, Alfalfa, Huajillo, Heather, Mint, Saw Palmetto, Sourwood... certainly not a comprehensive list. I believe there is a large list in Ken Schramm's The Compleat Meadmaker. My favorite premium honeys for making semisweet traditionals: tupelo, meadowfoam, sourwood, and mix of mesquite/orange/buckwheat; be aware, some of those will run you $70-85 a gallon, and a gallon is enough to make 3-4 gallons of semisweet mead. Oh, and there is BeeFolks for everything, but they are raw honey and are not cheap.
NB: Be wary of cheap honey sourced from other countries!!!! Certain Chinese honey sources have been banned due to: dosing bees with antibiotics (which makes it way into the honey); blending in HFCS, or feeding bees HFCS in the winter rather than their own honey stores; ultrafiltering to remove pollen to hide the source of the honey (not that ultrafiltering is bad, you just cant tell the source). Also "Product of USA" may just mean it is blended and packaged in the US. There are unscrupulous brokers that turn a blind eye to the that shipment of "Indian honey" that is likely Chinese honey... I personally dont use SueBee clover honey from Sams/Costco for mead anymore, but it is cheap ($12 / 5 lbs), but there is probably a reason for that... Cheers!
Ugh. There is a reason we say "ethical non-monogamy". Cheating, not telling you, then thrusting you into an open marriage when it's not what you want is totally unethical and a super duper jerk move in my book.
I feel for you. And I can be empathetic towards her. Perhaps she only recently has come to accept that she isn't heterosexual, maybe she's dealt with a lot of sex and slut shaming growing up, and she hasn't been honest with her emotions. And I can see a reality where she just kinda exploded in a messy way and didn't know how to navigate this lovingly in a way that made you feel safe.
The way that this came up is completely devastating and you are valid to have your hurts, loss of trust, and fears.
But I still wanna smack the back of her hands. Bad wife, bad!
That being said...
There are a number of ways for you guys to explore non-monogamy if you'd like. Swinging, "open while traveling", poly, etc. She did open the door the for you guys to communicate about what you want and how to grow together, and that is awesome.
You may want to read
The first two will help you understand how to navigate opening your marriage if you want to do that. And the latter will help you rebuild trust and understand navigate the new shift in your relationship.
Also, please try and look for a sex-positive poly-friendly therapist. They will help you guys navigate this without being shamed or shutting her down for her desires.
----- edited for link readability. Didn't realize Amazon mobile adds the book title to the front of the link. :)
When I was new to poly, I found reading to be one of the best ways to level up my comprehension / modeling of what was "right" or "wrong" about how I was going about things. If this describes how you learn, let me recommend More Than Two. Btw, those scare quotes are because I don't endorse judge-y moralizing when it comes to how people live their lives.
That said, I think More Than Two does incredibly good job of emphasizing that ethical non-monogamy (of any flavor) should be respectful of the humanity of the humans involved. By that, I mean things like respecting the autonomy / agency of each individual involved. Relationships (monogamous or otherwise) can be messy beasts. The important things are for people to show compassion and understanding to one another, to meet them where they are, to listen with a sense of curiosity about each other's perspective, to not take other people's emotions personally.
It sounds like you've already had a great time with this couple and quite possibly learned some things about yourselves as well. The good news is that means your relationship with them has already been a success! If there is room for further successes in your interactions with these humans, so much the better. If the most successful outcome from this point involves a loss of contact with them, that's a bit of a bummer, but there will be other interesting humans to occupy yourselves with in the future.
Talk. Talk it to death. Talk until you don't think there's anything else to talk about. You have the rest of your lives, so take time to talk. As you talk; be honest and advocate for yourselves, these are harder skills to learn than you might think.
Read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.
Look for poly communities in your area, they're more common than you might think. The single most valuable resource I have had on my journey has been more experienced people to learn from. There are classes and workshops for just what you are thinking about doing, check them out.
Also, be prepared for some disapproval in poly communities. Hetero couples, or couples with a hetero male and bisexual female, looking for bisexual women to join them are really, really, common. And they unfortunately very often engage in unethical, or at least ethically dubious, behavior. More Than Two devotes a whole chapter to this, and I highly recommend reading it. Try to avoid those behaviors.
Best of luck!
Aww man I’m sorry. My mom and I had a very similar exchange and I went no contact for a while. During that time I read this book:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_FjAvCb8JASMCM
It really helped me a lot. Anyway I’ve decided to let her back in and sure enough she hasn’t changed but at least I’m more prepared for it.
I’m sorry your mom is so immature and emotionally draining. I thought your text was very kind and appropriate in limit setting. It’s hard dealing with parent baggage during pregnancy
>it might be the thing that can get through to her, but I feel like it also might destroy her. What do you think?
I thought both of these things about my Nmom (covert version, since you asked).
It has taken me a year of therapy to understand that 1) I'm never going to get through to her, and 2) characterizing the impact of something I might say or do as "destroying" my Nmom is pretty loaded. You can say something that causes a person to feel hurt or upset, but "destroyed"? Saying it like that tells me that you think you control your Nmom's emotional state... when actually, you only control yourself. She is responsible for her own emotional wellbeing.
It is very common for our Ns to condition us to think we are responsible for their feelings. And therefore we must behave exactly according to their rules.
It takes time to absorb the idea that this is not true.
You don't mention your gender, but I would encourage you to read Karyl McBride's Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I would also encourage you to investigate the concept of codependence (as another commenter mentioned), which deals with feeling responsible for other people's feelings. Codependent No More is a book that has helped me a lot. Along with a good therapist.
I know this is tangential to your question about vulnerable vs grandiose Ns, but your phrasing really struck me as a way I used to think, and I really wanted to speak to that in case I could be helpful.
Also, you mention that your dad seems powerless to stop her -- again, this is conditioning. Enabling spouses often appear helpless and can look like victims of the N. But he is an adult and can make choices about what to do with his life. He has agency, UNLIKE you when you were a child and did not have a choice about whether to depend on your parents for food, shelter, and love. He has choices about who to surround himself with and how he deserves to be treated.
And so do you.
Best wishes to you.
Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.
For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother
This NPD website
For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
Adult Children of Abusive Parents
And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living
Complex PTSD
You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.
This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!
My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?
Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.
Have a look at Will I Ever Be Enough. It helped me sort out a lot of the stuff I was missing from my parents. Not an easy thing though, but it helps.
The subtitle is about daughters, but I don't remember anything specifically gendered in it.
First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.
This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.
There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023157&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023193&amp;sr=1-1-spell&amp;keywords=coependent+no+more
http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023212&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023231&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414023293&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=boundaries+with+kids
that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.
edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.
> whining
and
> "there's a lot of other girls who would do this"
Dude needs to read this book and get his shit together. This is no way to conduct yourself as a respectful partner, male or female.
Great question, man! Nobody ever asks this. I thought the post written a week ago about advice from a 68 year old man was GOLD. Check this out if you haven't:
•http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/r381m/advice_from_an_experienced_natural_68_year_old/
Also, I wrote an article for an online magazine a few months back about the most important parts in relationships:
•http://wilesmag.com/2012/what-he-wants-9/
I have been in a relationship for over a year now and I work real hard at it. I believe communication, sex, and excitement are probably the three most important aspects in a relationship.
•Communication: Always speak up. Say how you feel. Don't hold anything in. Talk openly about your feelings and concerns. This will prevent big fights.
•Sex: Keep this alive and strong. Do it frequently. If you're ever bored start spicing it up. This keeps the attraction strong.
•Excitement: Beyond sex, make sure you're always going on trips (even inexpensive small ones) and going on dates. Have things to look forward to, in order to keep the progression of the relationship alive.
Another great resource is the book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=pd_sim_b_4
That will help you understand the male and female essence and how it all works together. I would say it's like a new age "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Highly recommended.
Unfortunately, it's not gonna stick. I read a good book recently, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and one of the take-aways for me is that my parents are not going to change, and expecting them to will invariably lead to disappointment (best case) or me experiencing more toxic behaviour (worst case).
I have maintained a marginal relationship with my parents, haven't cut them off completely, but whenever I talk to them now, I never expect them to be better than they are.
I do think INFPs and ISFPs can get stuck in the "nice guy (TM)" stereotype because they often are passive and don't ask women out. They tend to befriend women, drop lots of subtle hints over time, and hope for the best... then when they confess feelings, they get upset if the woman isn't into them.
My recommendation is - ask women out sooner rather than later, whenever possible. Tell them you like them early on, if there is some attraction there, so you don't spend months getting your hopes up for nothing. Also remember that your emotions and feelings are your responsibility, not anyone else's. If you can't manage your emotions effectively, do some reading about emotional regulation skills and consider seeing a therapist.
For more tips, I'd recommend Dr Nerdlove's blog as he has a lot of great advice about avoiding the "nice guy (TM)" behaviour. Models by Mark Manson and No More Mr Nice Guy are a great books if you want to get better at dating women and being more assertive.
Post a bit of googling:
So it seems to be a forum based around this self-help book.
Definitely not hardcore incel/ PUA (the facebook group states that misogyny and PUA techniques will not be tolerated), though admittedly, I am a bit suspicious of how the self-help stuff might be framed...particularly suspicious that it might fall back on a few toxic notions of masculinity in places.
Hi, 31M, fighting depression, acute social anxiety disorder and suicidal tendencies. I am doing good now. Had a scare a few months ago when a close family member fell really ill, and I really started to put in the effort to turn my life around. It is a work in progress, but I am doing well. My advice:
Some more reading: If you want to know how meditation helps the mind, read the best book on cognitive therapy:Feeling Good | David Burns.
For instructions on breathing and mindfulness meditation, there are many great resources online. Also check out /r/Meditation.
I leave you with this song: Get up! Be good. PM me if you need anything.
This whole situation is your fault. You have turned into a whining pathetic creature who your wife despises. That is why she does not want to have sex with you.
If a woman does not fear losing you she will take you for granted. Note that it does not matter that your leaving would be a disaster for you (and your children). All this stuff operates at an unconscious level where such considerations do not matter.
You are the one who has to change. Then she will respond.
Read
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/dread/
And
http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
Money: Watch this over and over, take notes and internalize the information. Read this. Live within your means.
Social Contacts: Fnordsnord covered it. Also read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Actually take notes, practice what you read and reread. Read this blog post.
Women: You're already on redpill so you're probably pretty set on knowledge there. Read this, this, and this anyway. Internalize, practice, reread.
Life: Two suggestions, 1) Your first reaction to things isn't always the right reaction. 2) Prepare to fail. Skipped a gym visit or missed a lift? Chump = give up. Man = you were prepared for this it doesn't phase you. You're back at it tomorrow. Narrow your life to a few important things and work daily on them. Don't overdo it just plod along. All the greatest achievements in life are done with steady hard work. Read this
Career: Every two-four weeks or so update your resume (keep two versions of your resume, a super long form with absolutely every reference, accomplishments, phone number, address, date, etc and a super short form single page one with all the highlights, make it pretty) and glance for either a higher paying job within your field or a higher status job. Always secure a new job before leaving an old one. If you're still in college or decide to go back, pick a career field that will be in demand when you graduate. Start applying while you are still in school. Read this.
Organization: buy a simple small 2 drawer filing cabinet and manilla folders, put important docs in there. Digitize super important docs. Clean it out every once in a while. Watch this.
Study habits/learning habits: I don't really have time to go into this in any detail but go to everyclass. Take comprehensive notes, ask a shit ton of questions, bounce new things you're learning off people and discuss it as much as possible. Find people that know the material better than you and spend time with them. Take those notes you wrote and get a piece of paper. Draw three columns. Right column is most important info that might be on test/eval, center column is that same info in short hand, left column is a visual representation of the information that might help you daisy chain memorize it. This is my own technique so PM if you'd like more clarification. Turn every assignment in no matter how poor the quality. Last but not least one more time prepare to fail. Talk to your boss or professor if you're slipping; our first impulse is to turn inward and blame yourself and not seek others to help because it looks weak. Like I said your first reaction/feeling isn't always the right one. Prepare to fail. Be antifragile. Good luck; you don't need it if you apply yourself, plan, and work diligently.
Edit: One last thing. Statistically you will live a long time. Think with your future self in mind everyday.
"I have this ability to kick hard drugs easily. The people I got addicted could not."
That's not really how addiction works. I'd recommend reading this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1312647718&amp;sr=1-1
Or else listen to this short interview with the author:
http://www.wpr.org/book/100307a.cfm
And also read up on The Adverse Childhood Experience Study:
http://www.nijc.org/pdfs/Subject%20Matter%20Articles/Drugs%20and%20Alc/ACE%20Study%20-%20OriginsofAddiction.pdf
If you take the time to learn about the science of addiction, and not just how neurotransmitters work but the actual sociology of it, I think you will be much better able to come to terms with what happened.
Look for reciprocity - any relationship, romantic or platonic, will have its gives and takes. There will be problems, but you should both be willing to work it out. I used to go from 0-100 in relationships and place unrealistic expectations on others. They're not mind readers, and a lot of them don't understand the aftermath of relationships with Ns.
It's normal to be paranoid, but there are people out there who legitimately want to help and be friends. They may just think that you need to hear that you are loved and supported. Some people use "love" flippantly, some don't. It's harder to wait and see where a relationship goes and much easier to cut and run, but running because you're afraid will kill some potentially good relationships.
Ns teach their children to fear others, to fear being known, because everything will be used against you. Healthy relationships are not like that, but you do need to figure out how to identify other people's boundaries and create your own. For me, if friends said "hey, you don't need to pay rent", I'd probably make the offer to pay or chip in every couple of months or so just to be sure, or say something like "if that changes, please let me know". Ns will never "treat others how you'd like to be treated", but others will, and that might be what your friends are doing. At the same time, be aware of manipulation through fear/guilt/obligation by friends. Some know they're doing it, some don't.
These helped me:
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Hitchens perhaps spreading modern misconceptions and cultural bias about the nature of human existence before agriculture. For an entirely different perspective on say 90,000 years of human evolution read Sex at Dawn... which basically argues that Hitchens is full of shit (without naming Hitchens since Hitch wasn't a Scientist refuted in the book). At the very least, if you read this book you will have a very skeptical view of Hitch's argument from an evolutionary point of view. I don't know who is right, but it is very interesting to read a well argued alternative viewpoint that isn't religious.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805
Here's what I recommend:
I would start with this book:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_5yrQBbDGX7TAG
I have better idea for a book you should give him.
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_e0EVCbMZ5PNNE
Check out this book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0452275350?ie=UTF8&amp;at=&amp;force-full-site=1&amp;ref_=aw_bottom_links
Take your vitamins, eat your protein, try to stay active even if it's just walking a few times a week. Don't be afraid to call your OB if something is bothering you or if you are worried. 99% of the time they'd rather you call over something minor than to not call at all and be anxious. Get some books and sign up for child birth and parenting classes. We did ours though our hospital and they were pretty affordable and really educational. As far as books go, I am reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and my husband is reading The Birth Partner. These were both recommended by our child birth educators. I'm 30 weeks right now, and I would say as you get closer to the end, don't feel bad about not being able to do as many things as you could before you were huge and uncomfortable. Ask for help, take breaks, nap, relax as much as you can.
Not my favorite marriage book, but [this one] (http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step---Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1451943477&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay) might be of use to you. It's pretty good.
My favourite is definitely Expecting Better, as the author looks at the actual scientific evidence behind most common pregnancy do's and don'ts.
I've also bought:
And I've just ordered a pile of books from the library:
Absolutely no issues with flying during pregnancy. Some airlines restrict pregnant women from flying past ~36 weeks, but I think that's because they don't want you going into labor in their airplane cabin at 32,000 feet. After getting thru security, buy a bottle of water for your wife. I was on a 2-hour flight over Christmas and was dying of thirst waiting for the drink cart to come down the aisle. Also, give her the aisle seat if possible so she can walk the aisles periodically to keep the blood moving and access the bathroom quickly if needed.
As for books, I've read a lot of good ones. I've liked the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, and Elisabeth Bing's Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth for info on labor and delivery, and The Happiest Baby on the Block and the Wonder Weeks for infant care. Also The Birth Partner is a great book on delivery for both pregnant women and husbands. If you can find a secondhand bookstore near you, check it out--a lot of people sell off these types of books once they're done with them.
If you've never had the connection you now want, but got married anyway, that was your initial mistake. But hindsight is 20/20 and I don't think it's necessarily an unsolvable problem, especially since he seems willing to work on it.
It takes a lot of effort to break out of 5 years of bad habits. But you can do it! I think you could do it without counseling, but if you hit a wall or either of you is feeling really unhappy, or communication is not improving, please go see a therapist or counselor since they can help a lot.
Be sure you're setting aside dedicated time to discuss and work on your relationship. The time and effort you both put in is an investment, and if you pull through it will pay off immeasurably. Then start by each taking the Love Languages test. Discuss your answers. Read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, someone who has studied relationships for years. That book includes a number of exercises to work through with your partner, and I think it would be an amazing help to you in connecting with your husband.
Another idea is that since you want to drastically step up your relationship with each other and break out of the disconnected rut you're in, think of other ways you can spice up, change, and improve your life. Consider rearranging your furniture. Taking a weekend trip to someplace new. Starting a new hobby together (maybe something like salsa dancing or ballroom dancing). Working out together. Taking a class to learn a new language or skill. Whatever sounds like fun! Connecting the relationship work you are doing to a shift in another area of your life (particularly one that is fun, novel, exciting) will help you feel like things are really changing and different, and will keep you invested in the relationship progress you're making. It's easier to connect when you are on the same team, doing things together and sharing the journey.
Lastly, you say he does "husband things" and you do "wife things". Consider mixing it up. If he's the one who brings you flowers on anniversaries, how about you bring him flowers for no reason whatsoever other than that you care about each other? If you usually eat lunch out during the workday, how about he wakes up early to pack you one? Look for ways you can break out of your current habits of showing affection, which aren't working, and look for new ways to make each other happy. The Love Languages test should offer some great insight into the best way for each of you to start.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
The Magic of Believing
Kan bara tala för mig själv, men det som har hjälpt mig när livet varit som tuffast är att se framåt och börja sätta upp mål att bygga mot. Om du börjar nu kan du bli vem fan du vill om 3 år. Ja, det kommer vara tufft på vägen, men om du inte har något att se fram emot eller att sträva emot blir det lätt att man känner att allt är meningslöst. Där du är nu kommer du inte vara för evigt, även det kommer gå över.
Men du kan alltid börja om. Ditt förflutna är inte samma sak som din framtid. Du kan börja om NU. Du kan bestämma vem du vill bli och vem du vill vara och bli den personen nu, oavsett ditt förflutna. Du kan bestämma dig för att aldrig svika någon igen, du kan bestämma dig för att leva efter dina principer och bli en person som du kan känna stolthet för istället för skam. Tro mig, jag har varit i total misär men har idag lyckats vända livet helt och lever ett liv få förunnat. Du kan också göra detta, men det börjar med att du bestämmer dig.
Vad som fungerar för dig kanske är något helt annat. Men för min del bestämde jag mig för att ta tag i min hälsa och självrespekt. Jag började sakta men säkert förändra mina dåliga vanor och började med bra vanor. Meditation, bra sömn och kost samt träning är några klassiska exempel som är ack så effektiva för att förändra ens självkänsla och syn på världen.
Det finns även böcker som hjälpt mig på vägen och nu vet jag inte om du är i tillstånd att läsa, men några exempel på böcker som hjälpt mig enormt är:
&#x200B;
No more mr nice guy
The power of now
Unlimited power
&#x200B;
Jag hoppas du tar dig på fötter igen, tro det eller ej men världen behöver dig. Det är också ofta personer som har "hit rock bottom" som tar sig upp igen som är mest lämpade för att göra världen till en bättre plats och hjälpa andra. Bara att du tar dig tid att skriva den här posten tyder på att det finns en del av dig som är redo att ta tag i situationen. Du är bara i ett jävligt negativt tillstånd just nu, och då känns det som att allting suger, även framtiden. Detta är bara en illusion som du kan ta dig ur, och när du är ute kommer du kunna se tillbaka på det och förstå precis vad jag menar nu. Jag tror på dig.
As a man raised primarily by my mom with a mostly absent father, and raised without much other male influence here is my take on this really awesome post:
empower your male children. love their masculinity. Teach them to channel their natural aggression into healthy places. teach them that with great power/strength comes great responsibility. whatever you do don't make them hate their own maleness, their own masculinity. teach them that good men can still be masculine. Be careful about teaching them they should be "different' than their father, as children can project that belief onto all male authority figures. You will have a rebel who struggles with his own male identity and therefore struggles to understand his "place" in the world, and in relationships.
Source
>It seemed to work she left me alone after that even made me dinner...
Without condoning the exact words you said to her, it sounds like she treats you better when you stand up for yourself. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?
Your problem is not demography or sexual selection, it's your beliefs. Despite of everything you've said, even nerdy "ugly" people keep finding mates. You're seeing reality through some rather dark mental filters.
Go to your library, bookstore or Amazon and get this book. It's pretty old and small, so you can get it used for a couple of bucks. Then use it. It'll show you exactly why are you seeing the world through that dark filter, and why is it wrong.
At a glance the mental distortions you're showing seem to be almost all of the list, from overgeneralization, to discounting the positive, to mind reading, labeling.
There is hope, you're not stuck forever in loneliness-land, but you gotta do the work, and it does not require drinking the hate kool-aid from TRP at all. Change yourself and you'll change the world around you.
Ignoring the ad hominem, there is so much wrong with your post. Do you seriously think that doctors/lawyers don't get dumped because of their salary? You think that every single woman out there will put up with abuse, a bad relationship, boredom, or whatever typical complaint that breaks a couple up because of a higher than average salary? Yeah, some will, but if you think there aren't strong and intelligent women out there that won't .. I don't even know what to say. That's pretty misogynistic.
I wasn't trying to be a dick with my post, I was trying to give you advice- you sound like you've got some self esteem issues that you should work on. We all do, but being ignorant to them or lashing out at someone giving advice doesn't hurt anyone but yourself. For instance, I'm short and sometimes I let it get to me. I have to seriously kick myself in the balls a few times to build up the confidence to talk to a taller woman. I go to the Marquee all the time and I swear the average height of a woman at the clubs is 5'10, way taller than me. I had a problem for a long time where I'd make a snap-judgement and assume a woman who is 5'10 would sure as hell not want to talk to a dude who is 5'7. I mean, why, when she can talk to some 6'0 guy? I was making excuses for myself to keep me from the possibility of rejection, basically what you're doing with the whole money thing.
"Had the goods stolen from me," woah, dude. I can see the inner caveman in you just screaming "Thats my property!" Nothing was stolen from me, our relationship wasn't perfect and she found somebody that she enjoyed being with more. She's actually engaged now, and I'm happy for her. She's not a commodity to own or control, she's her own woman.
Anyway, the gist of my post was you're blanketing women with some ridiculous stigma because you had one woman leave you for a rich guy and maybe a few bad dates. I hope at some point you sit back and realize how ridiculous it is and how the only person being hurt by any of this is yourself.
There's a few books I'd like to recommend that are amazing and helped me out quite a bit. I used to be a very bitter/negative/snap-judgement person. I still can be from time to time, but I try to be cognizant of it.
Apart from cognitive behavioral therapy these helped me out a lot;
You can, of course, think I'm a pathetic dweeb and ignore this completely and go on with your life in its current state if that's what you want. The only person you're hurting is yourself.
Best of luck.
Cognitive behavioral therapy. Take the thought that makes you unhappy -- the idea that eternity makes your tiny mortal life meaningless -- and confront it rationally. This is REALLY hard to do with religion (ask me how I know), but consider that physical scale is not an indication of importance. Consider the humble mitochondrion. Also consider Matt. 10:29 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care." God is perfectly capable of extending intimate attention to any area of his creation.
Anyway, I'm not doing it justice. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy is a really good book on the topic. Or talk to your therapist/psychiatrist about it.
Anyway, hang in there.
It's a non-meditation suggestion, so I'm not sure how well received my suggestion will be, but this is the sort of thing CBT is really good at conquering... While it covers a lot more than just habitual negative daydreaming, getting in the habit of that way of thinking will just naturally cause those to lessen...
I'd suggest starting with either of David D. Burns MD's "feeling good" books http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1404226616&amp;sr=1-1 or http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1404226705&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good+handbook
Alrighty, my personal feeling is that you are an introvert, she is an extrovert. In order to be recharge your energy you need time completely alone.
Personally I would recommend that you go out, and either rent or buy the book, The Introvert Advantage, How to thrive in an extrovert world":
http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695
The book spends a fair amount of time covering how introverts and extroverts act in relationships together. It recommends ways that the two partners work together.
She clearly doesn't understand why you have the need to be alone, and she won't accept your explanations. I have this nasty feeling that she has the impression that everyone thinks like her, and hopefully this book will help convince her that you do need more time to yourself and that it is not a negative reflection on her.
Some couples have problems because one likes to go and get drunk and flirt with members of the opposite sex. In my opinion wanting some time to your own is so much less of a big deal.
>Schramm's is arguably one of the best in the world. The owner literally wrote the book on mead making.
If you find making mead enjoyable and want to read some more up on it i can recommend The Compleat Meadmaker by Ken Schramm
A great source of information both for beginners and more advanced meadmakers. He's also a beekeeper, so he has a whole chapter dedicated to various types of honey too :)
The most important advice anyone can give you in this thread is to buy "The Compleat Mead Maker" by Ken Schramm. Never look back.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning/dp/0937381802
[Ken Schramm's Compleat Meadmaker] ( http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0937381802?pc_redir=1397498837&amp;robot_redir=1) is a great place to start, its an absolute wealth of knowledge on just about everything mead. It's definitely worth a good read!
I'm sorry, it sounds like they didn't handle or honor your feelings like they could/should have, and trust me when I say that you deserve to have your feelings recognized and cherished! Even the dark and painful ones.
You absolutely have every right to feel what you do, no one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. It sounds like this was a very toxic and one-sided relationship, and you deserve far more care and recognition than that!
If you haven't already, please read The Secondary's Bill of Rights here, and I've heard that the book, More Than Two outlines a lot of ways that communication in polyamory (and relationships in general) can go wrong.
You can download the kindle app for PC free onto your computer (or even read books from your browser), and read books from there.
Some people can't handle sharing, and when they can't handle sharing AND can't handle communicating this in a direct and healthy manner, things get ugly. Fast.
Please believe me when I say that you did nothing wrong in falling in love, or in being hurt when that love was denied you. From what you said it sounds like you tried to be the best and most supportive person you could in your circumstances, and You can own your feelings without shame. It also sounds like you need a BUTT-TON of self love and self care right now, so draw yourself lots and lots of bubble baths and eat all the comfort food you want and wear your comfiest socks whenever you want. Period.
hugs I know things are hard for you and maybe these words are little comfort, but please take care of yourself, and know that you definitely deserve better from the people in your life, poly or whatever.
I think that 90% of the information in More Than Two could be used by people in monogamous relationships. Most of poly knowledge is really self-growth and relationship knowledge.
DEFINITELY agree. That line set off warning bells in my head. There are people who have the opinion the what the EGS is doing is super messed up. To me it isnt, so if someone said i would probably do the same, i wouldnt care, but if you say the same thing to someone who feels its a moral issue they really care about, you might lose a fan for life.
An analogous example is companies overworking employees for like 80 hours a week for months on end. Very recently a company basically said hey thats how we do business, its good work ethic. If they had also said you'd do the same, i would have raged on that. Because they have unethical business practices, screw them, I wouldnt do the same.
Now that Im writing this, it makes me think of the well known and amazing book "Non Violent Communication" https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
The author talks about how its good to avoid the word you in times like this because people feel attacked. And in this case kinda rightly so. This company has no idea if I would do the same or not, the most they can say is that some high percentage of the population would do the same, and morality isnt a popularity contest so its irrelevant.
What's been helping me is the [Non-violent Communication Book] (http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034). Now I have a little notebook where I try to name all my feelings at certain moments or when triggered. It's been getting a bit easier, and less cloudy.
What keeps people going is resilience. The good news is that it's something you can develop (and I know that because I've gone from having none to being pretty healthy). To get started, you need to do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT teaches you about cognitive errors that lead to the problems you've been having. For example, "all or nothing thinking" leads you to think that once you've failed at one thing, that you're not good at anything. Without the cognitive error, you can see what's really happened. Maybe you didn't prepare well enough--that's something you can fix. Maybe you chose an endeavor that isn't a good fit for you, and you can use this information to figure out better fit. Maybe you didn't have a key piece of information. There are lots of reasons for failure that don't mean "I'll never succeed at anything," and finding out those reasons gives you the resilience to try again. And again. Sometimes you'll fail, sometimes you'll succeed, and you'll always be learning.
As far as how to go about CBT, seeing a therapist is always an option. But CBT works really well in book form. I highly recommend "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's cheap at Amazon. Go through the exercises, and you'll see an improvement in your depression, in your resilience, and in your relationships.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy!! This book gives great tools and really helps you learn to sort through all of those crazy thoughts. There’s a specific chapter on “do nothingism” that specifically relates to the issues in this post. If you can’t afford to buy a book or can’t sit down long enough to read, there are sparknotes/condensed versions of each chapter all over the place online for free.
Yes, for those that have addiction, abstaining from a substance can be the single hardest thing that they do in their life. It's a brain disease. Most throttle the line of difficulties relating to substances, and others are full-blown addicted. It's super complicated and there's a distinct difference.
I think coming from a place of genuine compassion is key. Many people that have this condition come to us having burned bridges, while also having those that don't trust or believe them anymore. In working with this population pretty exclusively, I have come to find that the commonality is simply creating a space where they can feel "normal" (I know that's all relative). Sometimes our sessions don't even focus on the substance, but relationship issues or maybe career difficulties, or home life/friends. It's all interrelated.
Good resources:
Childhood emotional neglect and attachment trauma can be present despite material wealth. These experiences can be damaging to children and may cause mental health problems that endure into adulthood and until they are dealt with. If either of these ring a bell with you, then you might want to look them up.
The following books may also be helpful
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1536758061&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=adult+children+of+emotionally+immature+parents&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51aZz7vsiHL&amp;ref=plSrch
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Price-Admission-relationships-childhood/dp/1517683408/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1536758108&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=not+the+price+of+admission&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=61BgEJgbp2L&amp;ref=plSrch
(In particular, page 45 of the latter explains how emotional neglect may affect a developing child. Please be aware that the video it links to may be triggering if you have experienced these issues in your life)
No one here can say whether these things happened to you or not but talking about your feelings and their origins with a good therapist might be a good start to working out why you feel this way and how you can start feeling better.
As someone else said, there are people with judgemental attitudes out there, but we have the choice to approach ourselves with kindness and compassion throughout our efforts to recover. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
Hugs. My mother is similarly difficult (her only comment about my entire wedding day was "you didn't notice I got my hair cut, but I guess you were busy with other things" ... like GETTING MARRIED, SHEESH). Someone over on r/twoxchromosomes recommended this book: "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" which looks to be a great resource (it is currently in my electronic to-be-read pile).
I highly suggest the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"
https://smile.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
One of the biggest concepts it helped my wife and I with was to stop giving our kids "punishments" and start giving them "natural consequences" for their actions.
Whenever they misbehave in a specific way then the consequence of their action is always somehow related to what they did, and to try to always make sure we warn him of potential consequences before they happen.
For instance today our son was playing too close to his sister's face with one of his toys so we warned him that he needed to not get so close to her because he might hurt her, and explained that there would be consequences if he didn't listen to us. Sure enough about 5 minutes later he accidentally bopped her in the nose and she started crying. I explained to him that because he hadn't listened to me and had hurt his sister as a consequence of his behavior he couldn't play with that toy again for the rest of the day and he had to leave the room and couldn't play with his sister for 10 minutes. He cried when I took the toy and then stood just outside the room sobbing until I let him back in and we talked about why he had to leave the room and why he needed to listen to me and be gentle around his sister. I think it worked out pretty well since he was more careful around her for the rest of the day, but I'm sure we'll go through the same thing all over again tomorrow.
That said, kids at this age being jerks who won't help is TOTALLY NORMAL and I absolutely snap at mine sometimes when I'm at my wit's end. If you're doing it right parenting is extremely hard work and nobody can be at the top of their game 100% of the time.
Remember that they aren't being jerks on purpose or with any kind of malice, they're just being jerks because that's what kids do. Their brains work differently than ours do and they lack the kind of impulse control and sense of responsibility that adults have. Part of what we're doing by having the same conversations/fights with them over and over and over again is helping them to learn the impulse control and responsibility that will make them successful adults.
Good luck! And please take a look at that book. It's a classic so you should be able to find a copy at your public library. It's a little hippie-dippie in parts but it has some really great suggestions and examples and it's helped me have a better relationship with my son.
I think this one is fairly well-recommended around here.
https://www.amazon.ca/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
And Yale has a parenting course that deals with this as well (and it is free to audit: you can take the course but you can't take the test at the end and get a certificate):
https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting
Take a solo vacation if at all possible - even if just to a hotel in your area, but you don't go home. You need to hit reset on your life.
Also, a constant refrain on this sub is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk You have to seriously want to change and be consistent with your follow-through if you want it to help, though.
It could help you to look into conflict resolution techniques. I found a [page] that can give you a good start on the basics. You can read more on certain topics by googling it. Due to how people react differently based on their personalities, it can help you ascertain which approach you may use when tackling issues in regards to your best friend. Think about what you want to say and how to say it. Draw boundaries and though it may seem tempting, try not to antagonize her even if she antagonizes you. Don't go into a confrontation with fuel. Prepare for any reactions she might have based on the guide I linked. Also I enjoyed this useful [book] as it goes indepth and gives examples.
Personally I had a former friend of 8 years who she thought she could say anything to me and treat me rudely because she believed our long friendship was unbreakable - your best friend might be thinking the same way. My former friend was extremely insecure, said very disrespectful things about sensitive topics, and to a point she was narcissistic - she broke my trust in her. I was younger and knew nothing about conflict resolution so I ex-communicated her and our friend group. Though it broke my heart to do so, it's how I felt I needed to protect myself. That was a drastic action I did but I still don't regret it.
In my experiences now, my childhood best friend has at one point said it was weird that I liked BTS (her reservation was that they're collectively younger than us), but that was a very long time ago and hasn't said anything negative since. She cares more about me as a person than my music tastes. Everyone who I'm currently close now as well have the same sentiments and only say nice things about BTS because they know I am a fan. If they say anything negative, it's usually lightly teasing rather than being malicious.
So people who care about you will not try to tear you down and if your friend really respects you and cares for you, she will reconsider her actions should you bring it up to her. If not... well, I think you would already know how she sees you as a person. I hope she will eventually treat you better and consider your feelings more.
I married at 18 and have been married for 10 years.
Your husband sounds beaten down and depressed. Besides the obvious good diet, plenty of sleep, sunshine, etc be mindful that he is going through a lot. It's really hard living with a person like this and it's really hard being this person. Just keep trying to show that you love him and support him.
Femininity attracts masculinity. Submission attracts dominance. The best way to help him become this person is to make space for him to become this person and make him want to be this person.
> I know part of the problem is that he feels emasculated and unappreciated at his job.
Make sure he feels masculine and appreciated at home. Thank him a lot. Not just verbally. Show your gratitude for all that he does for you.
I suggest reading the MMSL Primer and The Surrendered Wife
exactly this:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862 The Rational Male
This post deserves more insight than I can provide. Hopefully more experienced people will see it.
First: Know that in your position (age, income, etc.) you have options (good ones). If you decide to leave your marriage it sounds like you're in a good place. A part of me would be nervous about letting that deal sit on the table and not taking it. At some point she will realize her future options are diminishing and may revoke the clean getaway offer.
Second: You took a huge step in the right direction finding TRP. There's a lot here that can help you (even in your situation where you're ability to experiment is limited). I'm reading "The Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi. $10 on Amazon I recommend getting it. It's a compilation of many of his best posts on his blog. He's a married man and has a solid perspective on things.
One of the concepts he covers is re-stimulating "competition anxiety" Basically if you start improving yourself enough to the point that you're getting attention from other women, your wife will feel more inclined to go out of her way to please you. Her imagination (thinking about what you plan to do, the attention you're getting might make to do something with someone) is gold. There's a lot to learn in the book/his posts and I think you'd benefit from it whether you stay or not.
Third: As far as your sexual experience, check out "Sex God Method" by Daniel Rose. It sounds corny but it's a pretty quick read that completely changed my sex life (like humans discovering fire for the first time kind of 'changed').
Best of luck
> she has threatened to expose me many times in the past when I've talked about ending the relationship.
This is very manipulative behavior, and unhealthy for your child.
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You might be a good resource for you.
This isn't fixable. You need to find a way to leave.
I’ve been in a similar situation with my parents (very toxic). I cut them off for a while as protection which is very different than a perceived moral shunning. To shun someone because they are gay or an act in privacy is not hurting someone. The irony is that shunning usually targets very loving people. There is a great book I suggest called Emotional Blackmail. I highly suggest reading to help sort things out and understand the difference between having to protect yourself from shunning do to a difference in thought. Good luck!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_fLlsDb0MNQXDS
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I found Toxic Parents to be very useful in my own journey.
Also, by Susan Forward, Emotional Blackmail is quite good and helped me get out of the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever been in.
I've been reading Adult children of emotionally immature parents and it's giving me some helpful insights about mentally reframing how I think about my mother.
I am not sure what the answer is but this may help. There is a recent trend of people being all into personality types (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) which in the right context is actually quite helpful.
http://www.16personalities.com/ is the best test I have found online, but to truly nail down your type you are supposed to be tested by a trained person. Regardless you can probably figure out where you land on the spectrum of personalities just from reading their descriptions.
The reason I bring this up isn't because I am a fan boy of personality tests but because it may be just be your personality, something that is hard coded to you, which you have to work with and gain insight to. The best way to use these test I have found isn't to find compatibility with other people but to find it with yourself. I have learned what areas I am stubborn in, where I am less than stellar, and where I exceed others. Changing your personality flaws (if even possible) is probably harder than changing any other single thing about yourself. If you however develop insight and mindfulness you can build self-awareness to how you react to situations/people and you can watch yourself more closely.
There are plenty of books on Amazon you can find just by searching MBTI related to personalities that will give you a wealth of information. Once you find your type you can find even more specific ones. It sounds you may lean towards being extroverted (getting energy from other people) but you said you like your solitude so perhaps you are a hybrid! I am an introvert and this book I started reading has been beneficial: http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695
Wish you well.
Almost everything here is great advice, so much so that I'm probably going to send my wife a copy of this thread so she can finally 'get it.' Just my two cents on the topic as well:
As you can probably guess, I'm introverted, my wife of eleven years is an extrovert. She's a talker. Loves to talk to people, anyone. At length. She wouldn't know concise if it landed on her head and crapped in her hair. (She's also very (ugh) touchy-feely. Still love her, though.)
She's had many of the same complaints that you're expressing in your post: Physical contact (like holding hands, little touches out in public, PDA's, etc) and communication (or the lack thereof, in her opinion). I tell her the same thing, everytime:
---
I'm just not geared the same way you are.
It's not that I don't like social situations, it's just that they are mentally and physically draining for me. Small talk sucks. Especially if I don't know anyone there, those are the worst. Having a few 'go-to' friends around helps. Making sure there is someplace I can retreat off to, even if it's just a chair in the corner, to recover a bit, helps. Understanding if I tell you I need a break for 5-10 minutes to recharge the batteries, and noticing if I do need to take a break (body language and if I'm getting cranky), helps. Please don't get mad at me when I do these things, it's just what I need.
Conversation-wise, I'm not a big talker, unless I'm with close friends or family. Even then, I tend to only say what I think is needed. I'm not big on small talk; I'm fine with silence, I don't need to fill every space in a conversation with, IMHO, unnecessary noise. That being said, please don't take my silence for being cold, or distant, or me ignoring you. I choose my words carefully, and unfortunately that takes a few moments in my head. If you're asking a question, please give me time to contemplate my answer. It's important, because I value your understanding.
I absolutely need me time, with no one else around a lot so I can enjoy some of the things I love doing and clear the clutter and the noise and all the flotsam and jetsam of sound and light that accumulates in my head; it brings me clarity and peace, and allows me to feel so much better. Please don't be offended if I ask for time alone, or if I shoo you away when I'm in the middle of one of my solitary tasks; instead, support me with understanding. I need time to myself just as much as you need time out being social. Support me and who I am, and you will discover yourself receiving more than you give in return.
---
I think the biggest thing is understanding. He's probably got similar complaints about the strange 'crazy extroverted woman' that he's going out with, and trying to figure you out as well.
This last year, I read a couple of good books that helped me understand my own introversion better:
The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, and
Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength. I found them at my local library, just linked them to Amazon for pictures. They definitely gave me a deeper understanding of why I am how I am, and much better knowing that there were a lot of people just like me. If you can find one or the other, give it a skim, or even sit down and read it through with him. Might just help.
[Edit: Just found my copy of The Introvert Advantage here. I'm done with it, and would be happy to throw it in the mail to you. Just have to promise to pass it on to anyone else here in /r/introvert when you're done.]
I read a book years ago called the Introvert Advantage which covers these same ideas - it's okay to be an introvert and being so does come with many advantages. Highly recommend reading it if you're an introvert but haven't given it much thought.
No, it wasn't related to the Myers-Briggs personality types. It was more of a self-help book geared for introverts. God, this is going to bother me for a while.
Thanks for the help, though!
EDIT: Ah-hah - found it. The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney.
This is the bible of meadmaking. make sure you get a copy, all of the questions you're asking are answered there.
The Compleat Meadmaker is a must-have for brewing mead. It has a ton of good information on brewing classic mead styles plus guidelines for numerous variations.
Definitely, that's a good way to experiment without having to dedicated a large batch that might not work out!
Mead, when young, has many flavor characteristics that are rough and sharp, and when aged over a given amount of time, these characteristics will smoothen out and blend together. This is a very simplified definition, but in general mead does better with age. Some flavors will not age out, and thus can be considered off-flavors.
If you haven't already, check out the Compleat Meadmaker by Ken Schramm. It's basically our bible on mead, and a great place to start! Check out the 'Everything you need to know' on the sidebar, as that offers awesome guides/articles to making better mead!
I've heard that "The Compleat Meadmaker" by Ken Schramm is quite good.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0937381802
There's a perfect solution: all three of you need to discover polyamory.
Seriously. Check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-practical-polyamory/dp/0991399706
There's no need for anyone to sneak around or "cheat". You yourself said his new boyfriend is hot. If the guy you like is attracted to you, there's a pretty good chance his new boyfriend will be, too.
Now... you have to realize... even the most thoroughly well-adjusted non-jealous experienced polyamorist is likely to question the commitment of a new partner if he suggests having a threesome within literally DAYS of them becoming a couple (unless they were doing threesomes together even before they made their new dating status official... in which case they're probably soulmates), so you might have to wait a few weeks and let them enjoy their NRE (new relationship energy) without injecting drama or complications into it. Just fuck other guys in the meantime, try to learn something sexually new, practice your technique, and send him an open-ended text message every 4-6 weeks to remind him that you're still interested.
This is also a good book to check out. It saved my business partner's marriage:
Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay
Unhappy in what way? No sex? Yes. Different desires? Maybe but not if you can work it out another way.
I left an over 20 year relationship, with kids. Sex was certainly not the only problem but a 5 year dry spell was a big part of what caused all the problems. Looking back I can see it was the right decision and I am very much better off now.
Mostly I think sex is more like a barometer of the relationship in general, it's not usual to have a great relationship and be desperately unhappy only in bed. If you are that unhappy in bed there is more going on.
It is not wrong to want good sex, and not a frivolous reason to break up. How you relate sexually has a lot to do with how you relate in general. And people can grow in different directions, too.
The book that helped me was this one, I got it from the library.
(ETA: in my situation there was a lot more going on, and my kids are much better off now too. Their dad had become abusive so minimizing contact with him has improved their lives. So in my equation my worry about the kids went in the other direction)
I have a similar story, including the miscarriages. I am so sorry you're going through this. It hurts.
He's playing a shell game with you; he's not being honest and he's not going to change. You can mourn the relationship in situ but you'll be on lockdown until he leaves.
Whatever his reasons (and you've done enough work trying to understand those and have been lied to so you should stop), he's fine as things are. If he wanted change, he would be seeking ways to do it.
Two resources that were useful:
It hurts but don't waste anymore time. Keep us posted.
So you are really falling into a trap. Sure she murdered someone but she is good with children. See how stupid that is? Toxic behaviour doesn't get a pass just because they have some good traits. Honestly that is lazy thinking. If you want to gain perspective about your relationship, I highly suggest you read through this book. It should give you a bit of clarity. https://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1573662208&sr=8-1and if you really want to go into a deep dive, check out this book. https://www.amazon.ca/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Psychopath+Free&qid=1556035822&s=gateway&sr=8-1#customerReviews
Congratulations! I'm jelly!
Look into getting some pregnancy books, they generally do a good job of demystifying the process. Here are some suggestions:
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth is an excellent place to start. It's all about how natural birth is, and has a bunch of positive birth stories.
The Panic Free Pregnancy is definitely useful. You'll be bombarded with all the things that are unsafe for you during your pregnancy, and this book helps determine fact or fiction and provides an explanation.
Lots of people suggest What to Expect When You're Expecting, but others find it kind of fear-mongering. I skimmed through it once and the list of adverse side effects you can expect to experience is pretty intimidating.
The Mayo Clinic's Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy is a more clinical approach. I haven't read it myself but I've heard good things about it. Less fluff than some pregnancy books, more fact.
I agree that therapy, both individual and couples, is WONDERFUL, and I think y'all should go for that if you have the time and money. When my husband and I were in school together and could take advantage of the "free" therapy, at one point we were both doing individual therapy AND couples therapy! :-P We can't afford to do that now (shitty insurance/not much income), but we do still work on ourselves and our relationship.
Four things that have helped me in my relationship with my husband, who's also an ACoN:
Hope that helps! Good for you guys for being self-aware and striving to work on your relationship.
I'll take a controversial view: this has nothing to do with your children and everything to do with your marriage.
I think you should focus less on establishing ground rules for discipline for your future child, and focus more on communicating effectively with your husband and vice versa. To say you are not hearing each other is an understatement.
This may sound like schmoozey psycho babble, but heart sharing is a technique they use in family and couples therapy. The point is to focus on being heard, and tabling any resolution until mutual understanding is achieved.
You need to be heard: you're traumatized by physical violence in the home. Does your husband get this? If his response is along the lines of "yes, but..." anything following that "but" is him turning away from your heart. There is a reciprocal ask: you need to know that discipline matters to your husband: he envisions himself as an authority, and wants kids who are mindful and obedient.
If you guys ever get the chance to take the Gottman institute, it is worth the investment for your marriage (and consequently, your children who will grow up seeing a loving marriage). If not, the books are super helpful. One my wife and I read and love is: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797.
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
specifically as it pertains to "stonewalling"
It's a whack title for a book, but top notch content. Written by the progenitor of evidence-based marriage counseling.
Gottman is highly referenced within relationship counselling stuff, and focuses on principles of positive relations, with no gender roles or religion. I don't know anything about this particular book, or others, but could be worth a starting look.
This book is about $20 on kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B003WEAI4E/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1376779454&amp;sr=8-2&amp;pi=SL75
The same book is about $8 in paper format:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0671027034/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1376779454&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SL75
Simon and schuster are a despicable publisher who conspired with apple to price fix and raise ebook prices. They can suck on a bag.
You know it's sad/funny but reality in that there are a lot of people who do not know how to deal with conflict, set boundaries, and clearly communicate their expectations/needs/desires etc. I certainly did not know how to at the age of 27, until I read this book which changed my life:
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1541511838&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy
I had 5 sessions with Rachna Muralidhar at Athoz Center in Indira Nagar. Her therapy was based on mindfulness and ACT, I thought she was good. But after that I felt like I should give CBT a shot. There is this book which I've been using for a while : Feeling good: The new mood therapy. Its been helping a lot. And its been reducing the symptoms quite quickly. Apparently some people have done clinical trials and found that this book helps like some 70% of depressed patients or something like that (Although I haven't elaborately studied about this research). The author's mentor is a guy who's called the "father of cognitive therapy".
Empecé a leer este libro,
https://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X
Está bastante interesante, habla de las adicciones como reacción frente a traumas psicológicos y de cómo tratar una adicción puntual capaz que hace que ese trauma vuelva a aflorar en otro comportamiento igual.
Sidebar! Otherwise, I met Mark Lewis in October at the MN Nobel Peace Conference on Addiction.
There's a couple of books such as:
The Biology of Desire (Lewis), Memoirs of an Addicted Brain (Lewis), In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts (Mate)
Family bought me the book "In The Realm of Hungry Ghost" to read in rehab. Half the book is about the Dr Gabor Mate's opinion of why we get addicted to drugs (very progressive) and the other half is encounters with patients he has worked with in Canada in that area that was declared a "drug using zone". The whole book is really amazing. Best seller in Canada
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/155643880X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1523529568&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp;keywords=in+realm+of+hungry+ghosts&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51D6lUfiR8L&amp;ref=plSrch
One of the top reviews on Amazon of the book:
Doctor Gabor Maté left a thriving private practice to counsel addicts in one of North America’s most brutal neighborhoods, Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside. He has immersed himself in addict subculture, the battles won and the tears shed, and has come to recognize his own addictions, though not to substances. He’s made one important discovery: it’s hard to hate people you know. So he introduces readers to his hard-bitten, suffering clientele.
This book, a thick tome that rewards careful perusal, starts as a form of group autobiography. Not that he claims his patients’ stories as his own. Having worked among Vancouver’s poorest, most despised citizens for a decade, he remains an outsider, returning to his suburban home nightly. Yet he knows these survivors’ stories well enough to write of them: "The misery is extraordinary in the drug gulag, but so is the humanity."
The gulag metaphor isn’t incidental. Not only have Maté’s clients disproportionately suffered incarceration (some, he says, have spent more than half their adult lives in jail), but many face extended imprisonment within their own minds. Most come from backgrounds of abuse and neglect. Many of Maté’s First Nations patients have generational trauma and Reservation Sickness back to the first white encroachments. Drugs cannot explain their behaviors.
Where these people come from, what tragedies and Sisyphean challenges formed their outlooks, proves inextricable from their addictions. Nearly all were broken before they touched drugs: "''I'm not afraid of dying,' a client told me. 'Sometimes I'm more afraid of living.'" This gives Maté his direct line into science. Transitioning from storytelling, Maté becomes an incisive researcher, distilling massively complex science into plain English without losing power.
At some pivotal moment in childhood development, Maté writes, addicts lack the unconditional love children require. It’s actually more difficult than that, but stripped to its rudiments, all people suffering long-term intractable addiction didn’t have loving guidance, as children, to control their emotions. Children, by definition, cannot handle stress independently. Our developing brains outsource self-control to responsible adults; if such adults aren’t around, our brains adapt accordingly.
Not for nothing, Maté observes, to many addicts compare the heroin rush to receiving a warm, lingering hug. The un-nurtured infant brain never develops the ability to guide itself through stress; fundamentally, that squalling child survives, desperate and scared, within every addict’s brain. The deprived infant becomes the terrified adult. "The dominant emotions suffusing all addictive behavior,” Maté writes, “are fear and resentment—an inseparable vaudeville team of unhappiness."
Don’t start feeling self-righteous, though, because you don’t wolf narcotics. Maté describes equitable structures in behavioral addictions, like abusive overeating, philandering, and thrill-seeking. Some of Maté’s most engaging chapters describe his own struggles with workaholism and binge-buying music CDs. "What seems non-adaptive and self-harming in the present was, at some point in our lives, an adaptation to help us endure what we had to go through then."
It’s difficult to read certain chapters without powerful twinges. Many women addicts he counsels, Maté writes, obsessively collect teddy bears among their drug-fueled squalor. Others have lost their children, but cannot bear to be parted from their small furry animals. Remember, he’s describing the poorest, most despised people in Canada, and all they want, amid the burglaries and self-mutilation and prostitution that subsidizes their drug dependency, is something to love.
This makes current approaches to drug prohibition doubly costly. We pay social costs to capture, prosecute, and imprison junkies, yes, and civil libertarians have long protested this lopsidedness. But the trauma of imprisonment compounds the conditions that created addicts’ problems to begin with. Nobody taught these people how to endure being alone with themselves, so what, let’s throw them in solitary? Who does that help?
As Maté describes it, criminal justice approaches become just plain mean. But more: we deny addicts social services, meaningful jobs, and basic medical care. This makes no sense, as Maté writes: "If our guiding principle is that a person who makes his own bed ought to lie in it, we should immediately dismantle much of our health care system." Yet somehow, we accept that further dehumanizing people already stripped of common humanity will help.
Addiction isn’t a story of “those people.” It’s the story of how we construct ourselves, and help construct other people, every day. Maté essentially paraphrases Thomas Aquinas when he writes: "In the final analysis, it's not the activity or object itself that defines an addiction but our relationship to whatever is the external focus of our attention or behavior." This means us.
Your paying entirely too much attention to the content of her complaint rather than the emotion of her complaint. Although she may say so she probably doesn't really want a guy that is more emotional.
Perhaps she:
Feels like you don't need her?
Doesn't know what you really think of her?
Needs for you to demonstrate that you are trustworthy?
I had a girlfriend that for ages complained about the same thing, but keep in mind that what a woman says she wants out of a relationship and really wants out of a relationship are two different things.
A book that really helped me deal with women was The Way of the Superior Man
Here is something I typed up previously. The book I am writing will talk about most of this stuff. I'll be posting some articles I'm writing about communication here soon. For now, my old post. I endorse these books:
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So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.
Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole lot...at least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.
That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:
(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)
Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
A book with an overall good perspective. A little sappy and cloying at times, but in general the intentions are in the right place with this one. Could come off as a little bit squishily academic, but an ok read and a good perspective.
Author: Alan Alda
I'm actually reading this book right now and it is a funny take on Alda's life and work and he relates his stories through (and about communication). Alda is actually pretty smart about communication and comes at it differently than most anyone else on this list. Funny and witty, what you might expect from such a great actor and comedian. Definitely worth reading.
Author: Jay Sullivan
More about work than other contexts but good advice overall. I only skimmed parts of this one so can't speak to every aspect, but appeared to be decent enough quality when I reviewed it.
Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
Different from the others on the list, this one is written by a Buddhist monk who takes a more spiritual view of communication. It is a good philosophical approach. I found parts of this book enlightening. It is not scientific-ish enough for me and it makes no claims to be. It is a philosophy book on communication, but an easy, accessible read and worth your time.
Author: Kerry Patterson
A good enough book if you're looking to navigate conflicts/difficult conversational things at work or in relationships. Deals more with the challenging aspects of communication, but for what it is, good enough advice.
Author: Liel Lowndes
Similar to the book above, but more about making conversation with people. As far as these types of books go, this one is ok enough and actually has some good advice on things to try when attempting to communicate with others.
Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.
Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.
Okay, so the dancing and grinding thing? Cheating isn't something you can look up in the dictionary. "Cheating" is defined differently in every relationship. Some people consider flirting with other people cheating, and some people don't consider having sex with other people cheating. If you haven't discussed your individual boundaries with your girlfriend you should.
Anyway, it sounds like you're seriously questioning whether you want to continue a long-term relationship with this person. Have you talked much to her about the issues you're having? Specifically telling her what you want and need and feel is really important in an adult relationship (which is what yours is starting to turn into). You two need to learn to communicate better - her getting "fake mad" (whatever that means) and refusing to talk to you is unacceptable. Try reading some books like Nonviolent Communication.
Let her know you that these issues you're having are starting to lead you to consider whether your relationship is worth it. She deserves to know what you're thinking.
To boost strengths? Basically anything by Ayn Rand or Friedrich Nietzsche
To shore up weaknesses? Nonviolent Communication
Also, if you want all of the good stuff from the self-help category of books with none of the bullshit, read this one: The Happiness Hypothesis
How do you measure the success ? Wealth ? Fame ? Both are not worth pursuing and you already know that, since they don't bring happiness to life. Two things come to my mind:
Hope this helps man, good luck ! You are already doing a massive good job by being super honest with yourself and sharing this problem and all its details. This is not an easy thing to do and requires a lot of ego-gymnastics.
Something to chew on:
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)
-Book: Dr. Burns, Feeling Good-The New Mood Therapy
-Learning about CBT-Basics
-Cognitive-behavioural tools that anyone can use
-The Ultimate List of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Techniques
-Reddit CBT Top Links
-25 CBT Techniques and Worksheets for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Mindfulness
-HeadSpace
-Book: The Miracle of Mindfullness
-Sam Harris on Mindfulness
-In my option, mindfulness is something you have to practice to experience yourself rather than reading about. When I first started, I read countless articles on the topic and found websites/sources but it wasn’t until I began meditating myself and practicing mindfulness myself that it made sense to me. As a result, I deleted most of my sources on this front but the book listed made a lot of things click for me.
Edit: Also, thank you for asking about this. I brushed up on some old files to find my archive of information on this and it was fun to look through them again.
I highly recommend CBT; it helps you recognize and reframe destructive thought patterns. [Feeling Good by David Burns] (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1426032635&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=feeling+good+the+new+mood+therapy) is a great introduction; if you want to go further, I would suggest a therapist certified in CBT. Meditation is also great for breaking thought patterns.
For anyone who wants more help with talking to kids (and really anyone) I highly recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I checked it out from the library last year and was just blown away at how great it was. Bought a copy for my own shelf.
He could give him https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
This book, The Married Man's Sex Life Primer, will give you a LOT of insight on how to stimulate attraction in your mate. I read it in hindsight after a failed relationship, and it really made it blatantly obvious why things didn't work out (totally different reasons than yours, though). I wish I had read it sooner.
feminism has pushed to increase the rights of women and decrease the rights of men. as political activists, they have tried to lighten the burden of proof on rape accusations. they have fought to keep false rape accusations unpunished. when a man is accused of rape, feminists pressure universities to kick him out, he ends up in the news, loses his scholarship, and then they find out it's false. nothing happens to the woman.
i personally believe this is bad for honest men (because they can be the victim of a false rape and it can ruin their life), and it's bad for honest women (because an honest man has to be more wary of her), and it's bad for rape victims (because people are less likely to believe them, since it's taboo to scrutinize the attacks, and anyone in law enforcement knows that not all accusations are true).
as a man, it was harder to get into school, harder to get financial aid. when i had an altercation with a woman, it was my fault. this is all from feminist political activism.
when i go to get a job, they have quotas for women. when i interact with a woman at work, if she feels uncomfortable, she can jeopardize my career. this is bad for women, too, because if i am ever in a position to hire a man or a woman, i will hire the one that is less likely to sue me or one of my employees.
it goes on and on. i am just giving examples off the top of my head, and they may be fringe examples, but it's harder to explain the insidious social conditioning.
since you came here for clarification, i would suggest poring through the rational male by rollo tomassi. it is much maligned by feminists, and it's poorly formatted. it's not an academic work of art, but it definitely made a strong impression on me.
1.) Decide on a work out regiment or martial art to study, hit it hard
2.) Read Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey
3.) Simplify. Eliminate EVERYTHING you can. Reduce your life down to what you can fit in your car.
4.) Read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi
5.) Eliminate brain fog (quality sleep/foods, cut out excessive drinking/smoking, continue to read, research topics that interest you, listen to podcasts, etc.)
6.) Seek out accessible (local, online, social networks) resources within the music business and wring them for info. Do your fucking research.
7.) Move out. And not down the street, go where they do what you want to do.
8.) Decide to dedicate a serious amount of time to your dream, and how to get there. Treat it like its your goddamn job, or like you're studying it in school, whether you actually end up in school for it or not.
9.) Make a legitimate effort to go out and talk to women. Do so with an experimental emphasis.
10.) RECORD YOUR PROGRESS.
I found video journaling hugely effective. It doesn't make much sense at the time, but going back and reviewing them later, you will be glad that you did.
You can do this my friend, don't feel hopeless. No one thing is going to fully activate your potential. It's a mentality shift that you're after, and that takes work. Just be sure to help the newly unplugged as you progress.
BroFist
EDIT: formatting
Mom might have some mental health issues going on, but it's important to understand that it isn't (never was, never will be) your fault.
At your age, this book might be a little heavy for you, but please find someone to speak with about it. You don't want to hold resentment which will affect your life and health - best to purge it and get your life healthy and on track so that you can have a bright future, with or without her. There are plenty of places that you can go to talk to someone - try Kids Help Phone (if you're in Canada) 1-800-668-6868 - anonymous, free and non-judgmental.
https://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
> Maybe tiger momming works okay for hapa daughters but not for hapa sons?
&nbsp;
As the daughter of a malignant Tiger Mom, I can assure you that tiger momming is absolutely damaging and crushing. The effects last a lifetime. Remember, we occasionally see posts appearing on this sub by WMAF daughters who have severe issues stemming from their abusive mothers. Saying Hapa daughters are just fine is the equivalent of WM Hapa papas insisting that they know "loads of Hapa kids" who have no issues whatsoever. You can't tell what's really going on with anyone psychologically unless they reveal the details themselves.
Arguably, Tiger Moms either have narcissistic traits or the full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Mental health professionals agree that daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to travel. There is an abundance of healing guides for daughters of narcissistic mothers--like this one--and comparatively few addressing the sons. Perhaps daughters of Tiger Moms are more likely to get professional help and/or seek out supportive network of friends?
&nbsp;
> Females have intrinsic social value, so even if they have no social skills
> there is still desire for their attention, which would elevate their self esteem.
&nbsp;
Attracting bottom-of-the-barrel white guys or white nationalists (the pattern is the same for HF as it is for AF) is not flattering! In my case, it only lowered my self-esteem.
Are YOU an asshole? Doesn't sound like it.
Look, your mother is playing a game where all the odds are stacked in her favor and you can never win. Her objective is to make you THINK that you're the one with the problem, but if you read your story and it was about someone else, who would you identify as the one who is causing the problems?
Let go of the guilt. If you didn't hate and resent her for the way she treats you, you'd be a masochist.
Read this book http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436. Maybe it will help you let go of feeling responsible for what isn't your responsibility.
It sounds like this is more about her voice not getting heard than anything else. You and your partner and meta might need to sit down and learn to listen.
I recommend this book. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1474335561&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen
How old is your child? Can you think of specific situations you have struggled with?
First, full disclosure. I'm not a parent, but I am wrestling with this myself while waiting to adopt an infant. I am also acting as a pseudo secondary mother to my teenage sister who is still under the thumb of our nmom. The work for the former, in conjunction with facing issues with nmom head on, has resulted in a huge difference with my sister. I used to perpetuate my mom's abuses, but since then an increase in empathy, patience and respect for autonomy has made all the difference. Situationally it looks different with younger kids, but it comes from the same place.
YMMV of course, but thus far our philosophy can be boiled down to a few core elements:
Of my giant stack of books, I'd recommend:
If you're a busy parent who doesn't have time to read, I highly recommend this Siegel playlist about attachment and this video about communication and boundaries. Those two will probably lead you down a pretty decent youtube rabbit hole.
Good luck!
I'd avoid being "right" or "wrong". Usually these blow ups are not triggered by the particular event but by what the child feels (rightly or wrongly) to be a pattern of irresponsibility.
If you can, see if you can get to the root of the issue. There's a very good book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
that outlines a lot of strategies to open communication channels between parents and children.
Ugh, I wrote this whole post for you and then it didn't post!!!
I'll try to recap. FYI I have two sons, only child of an Nmom & Edad.
Other resource: parentingbydrrene.com
These two resources will walk you through what it looks like to have empathy for your kid. So when they're acting out, start with their emotional state. Acknowledge & recognize their emotions. Then you can offer them choices, ways to figure out how to solve their own problem. This is EXACTLY what we never received as kids - and let me tell you, when you get it right it feels very healing to be able to be that parent that you know you never had. My kids feel comfortable telling me that I'm annoying, they hate me, or whatever.
Final thought - the three things that we, as parents, need to provide are simple. Structure, autonomy, and warmth. Often we had as children a lack of structure (we never knew what the reaction of our Nparents was going to be), a total lack of autonomy since we were just an extension of our Nparent, and warmth but only when the Nparent felt like it. You're asking the right questions. You're gonna be great. <3
I said many perhaps most.
I base it on a few things. Marriage statistics for one show that 50% of married couples divorce. Research into anthropology and evolutionary psychology such as what's referenced works like Sex at Dawn and in research like this.
Biologically, we're not really built for monogamy. Some species are. Historically, we don't practice monogamy. What evidence do you have to the contrary?
Your bringing up race makes no sense though. Calling me a hedonistic pagan is just as absurd, my flair clearly labels me an atheist :) I don't hold pagan beliefs. Perhaps you could link me to some evidence that humans are entirely naturally monogamous?
I've looked into this quite a bit myself, psychology/biology background here with lots of readings of anthropology. There are many ways in which humans can order their societies, and it's quite typical for every culture to believe its way is not only the best and most sensible, but natural - "the way things are."
This is a touchy topic, and one that is dangerous to talk about because of the inherent risk of questioning deeply-held values within a culture. Many things are taboo, but I think it's worthwhile to try to understand who we are as human beings, and part of that will have been shaped by our history - evolutionary as well as culturally. There are many myths out there about love and sex, and they can cause lots of pain and heartache. In general it's worth examining beliefs to ferret out ideas that exist at the expense of humans, and discard those that have more costs than benefits.
By far the best survey on the subject is a recent book called Sex at Dawn. If you are interested in the topic, I suggest reading it - I've come across many of the things talked about in the book from other sounds sources, and the book is impressive. It's scientific and evidence-based, and the authors take great care with the subject because they know it's touchy. It's also pretty damn entertaining and written at a very accessible level for having such detailed information.
Talk talk talk. That's the secret to any relationship - esp poly.
Poly means different things to different people. There is no one correct way. Poly is what you and partners decide it is. Everyone has different reasons about why they are poly.
Personally, I think that it is cruel to expect everything I want from one person. I have enough love to share and my lovers all have different roles in my life. I tired poly when I was not ready and got consumed by jealousy and relationship drama. We make mistakes and we learn. It takes a LOT of emotional maturity, patience, and trust to be in a healthy poly relationship. Poly is not for everyone and it doesn't need to be. Nothing wrong with monogamy if that's your thing.
I think people are more fascinated with the idea of poly. And reality is not always that glamorous. So many people want a quick peep into the lifestyle. The taboo is alluring. But many people also cannot get over the possessiveness and insecurity. No matter how secure you are in yourself and how strong your relationship is, being in a real life poly situation will bring up insecurities and challenge your relationship. If you both work on it together, you will become more close and trusting of each other. It can also drive a wedge between you both.
I would also suggest any of the the below books.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s perfectly understandable after enduring abuse and neglect.
I’d like to share some information that really helped me, that may give you a fresh perspective. If it doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to disregard it.
Communication is like any other skill. We can improve our skill set through learning and practice. We have the amazing neuroplasticity of our brains on our side here! (neurons that fire together, wire together). When learning any new skill we move through four stages as we build new neural pathways;
(we don’t know what we don’t know)
(we acknowledge that we have a lack of experience, knowledge, and understanding)
(we have to actively think about and mindfully practice our new skill; over and over again, learning from each experiment and iteration)
(we no longer have to think about using our new skill, it becomes effortless to perform)
Like riding a bike, or driving a car. You had to move through all the steps until you get to the level where you don’t have to think about it anymore. You just get in and drive.
You are past step one already! You know what you don’t know. To get to step 3, you’ll need some knowledge and tools. Here are a few that I studied, learned from, and started using in my step 3 practice:
So, that psychologically safety thing, was a huge missing piece of my puzzle. My parents aren’t psychologically safe to be vulnerable around. So now I need to learn how to make it safe. And there are been some amazing tools I’ve consumed along the way.
Armed with all this knowledge and multiple strategies, it becomes easier and easier to practice step 3 - conscious competence.
Now we’re into the real deal. We have new knowledge and new strategies, time for some new experiences. This is where we have to be brave and learn to embrace what we don’t know and do it afraid, surround ourself with good people, and abandon our expectations and expect the unexpected. We get to play. And when we play, sometimes we make mistakes, accidents happen, and people get hurt. That’s okay. We use our apology skills and work on building trust again. We set, hold, and embrace boundaries to keep it psychologically safe. We practice. And eventually it will seem to come naturally to us. It just takes time, patience, and practice. You got this!
Thanks for sharing your situation, I hope we're able to offer some empathy and ideas that'll help at least a little in your situation.
I can imagine how incredibly distressing it must be to pour so much of your being into something so important to you, then not be seen for the s contribution you made. Sounds like you really just would like some appreciation and celebration of your efforts?
If you're open to some ideas, so here's a few that come to mind:
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1. Empathy first
Firstly, obviously I encourage you to get the empathy you need. If you can get empathy from friends or loved ones, that will help you to release a lot of the stored emotions which will mean that if you do approach your coworkers, you'll be able to be that much more clear, present, and ready. So, if you've got a friend or two to ask if you can vent about it to, I'd go for that first. Sharing here is often helpful in that regard as well, so you're probably already well on your way with this one.
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2. Finding Clarity
I feel one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves in any difficult situation is:
> What do I really want?
This may sound lame, but it has been absolutely essential in my experience. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we get out of our head, drop the blame, and focus on where we actually want to put our energy that'll benefit everyone.
Example: A few months back, I posted here when I was seriously upset by a weird thing that happened with my housemates. Basically, they decided at a meeting I couldn't make it to that I could no longer play music in the shower, but they didn't put it in the meeting notes and brought it up to me in a weird indirect way. I felt really hurt that they didn't bring it to me directly, and shocked that it wasn't put it in the meeting notes since it was a decision that was discussed.
When I asked myself, "What do I really want?" I realized that I wanted basically two things:
a. Honest Self-Expression: To honestly express and hopefully be heard for at least some of my pain around this and…
b. Agreement for Change: To create a culture where it doesn't happen again moving forward. Specifically, by seeing if we can all agree to put ALL decisions in the meeting notes, and directly reach out to someone should a decision impact them significantly.
So, I wrote out basically what I hoped to say. In the moment, I was still fairly charged bringing it forward to the group, which generated some intensity, but everyone agreed that it was weird how that happened and agreed to my two requests (1. ensuring all decisions get in the notes and 2. proactively reaching out to anyone directly impacted by a meeting decision.)
It was such a struggle for me to bring this forward when I felt like the whole group had let me down and thrown me under the bus behind my back. Or at least that's the story I was telling myself… But when I got clear and specific on what I wanted, I could find a way to bring it forward in a way that was honest, could be used benefit everyone, rather than cause unnecessary drama.
Not sure if this is helpful. But what I sense is that you might be in a similar place as I was before I brought forward my concern to the group, and I know for me it really helped to be clear about the exact outcomes I wanted.
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3. Creating Safety: Mutual Respect + Shared Purpose
When we go into crucial conversations, the last thing we want is for it to go into silence (shut downs, refusing to talk) or violence (attack, blame, etc.). So it helps to understand why that occurs, and do our very best to prevent it.
The biggest reason conversations break down into silence or violence, is when people fear one of two things:
So to prevent silence or violence, we do the opposite: We create safety. And that's done by:
So, let's say you go into this conversation with your supervisor, who took credit for the project. If you don't create a sense of safety for your supervisor, the worst case would be 1) he thinks you're basically saying he's an egotistical jerk or 2) he thinks what you want is to diminish the credit he received and downplay his contribution.
Neither of those implications would be starting the conversation off on a very good foot…
So, if you're with me on this, I would suggest you do the opposite. Create a sense of safety in the conversation by establishing:
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(PS This point on safety is straight out of the book Crucial Conversations, not from me, highly recommended!)
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Summary
Anyway, so just to summarize, basically I'm suggesting get empathy first, get clarity of what you want, then plan your conversation by establishing mutual respect & shared purpose.
So how might that sound in conversation? Let's say his name is Tim. Here's just an off-the-top-of-my-head example of how those ideas could come together. Probably nothing like what you actually want to say to him, just an example of how those ideas could be brought together:
>Hey Tim, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. It's a bit difficult to bring up, but I think talking about it could really help the strength of our team. You know that project we just finished? Well I'm incredibly proud of the work we did, and I want you to know how much I appreciate what you did to _____ in moving that project forward. One thing I wanted to let you know is that when I saw that my name wasn't mentioned anywhere, I felt pretty bummed because I felt I played an important role on that project - in fact, I was the one who brought forward the idea to others - and I guess I just wanted some kind of recognition of all the work I put into it. I know it's tough to credit everyone, but I feel that when our team members get acknowledgement for their work, it can really energize them to keep up the good work. But when we're not, I don't know about for others but for me, it makes me feel like no one is seeing all the work I'm doing. And that feels exhausting. And I'm sure we all want to work for a team that's enthusiastic about making contributions to the team, not feeling burnt out. Again, I get that it's not easy to name everyone, but I really feel some sort of way of recognition could really help to build a culture on our team where each member feels valued and energized to contribute on new projects, if we can find a way to at least get everyone's name listed somewhere. What would you think if…?
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Whew. Sorry for the wall of text. Hope something in there is useful to you, but feel free to ignore if not!
…Also, a disclaimer that this isn't perfect NVC per say, moreso ideas I'm piecing together from various approaches, mostly NVC and Crucial Conversations.
Does anything here resonate for you?
When people retreat from discussion into anger, I go to the book Crucial Conversations to plan. Knowing your boss, you can add a shared goal and contrast to make it absolutely clear you're not criticizing him or starting a conflict: "You're here to make sure I get this task done on time and don't miss any details, like that time I did X. Right? (shared goal) But I'm having so much trouble concentrating with you here all the time. I'm not saying my work is so good it doesn't need to be checked. (contrast) I just want to be able to think through things without having to worry that they're not perfect yet. Can you wait a while and check the finished product instead?"
The idea is to keep things absolutely safe, not calling them a bad person (everyone knows micromanager is a bad thing, and no one wants to believe they're a bad person) and not challenging their authority to do their job. That makes it safe for them to think about changing.
The approach you are suggesting in the OP (gathering ammunition to win a fight over the way things should be) is doomed to fail. Not just because you are subordinate and lack power in the relationship, but also because direct conflict destroys your working relationship. Only dialogue can improve it.
Totally understand where you're coming from! I do agree, it's something to work on, but you obviously know that or else you wouldn't be asking for advice! I personally took some communication classes (while in college) that helped me out a lot with my harshness. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments (usually face to face) but I'm a lot better than I use to be.
Also, there was a professional development training I took a while back and the trainer suggested reading a book for professional conversation. Can't tell you if it's helpful since I never read it but maybe it's also something to look into :)
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_1BMLDbSRX8T5B
For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.
It is an evolutionary trait,
Women actually moan during sex to attract other sex partners, because its in her evolutionary interest to get as much semen in there as possible and then let the strongest sperm win. So back in prehistory it was in her interest to signal to other males that she is ready to preform the reproductive act, other males would hear her and think "oh boy a horny chick" and go fuck her after the first dude was done. Scientists have observed the same behavior in chimpanzees and bonobos (our closest genetic relatives) They call this "“female copulatory vocalization" and generally the more promiscuous the species of ape, the louder the female is.
If you're interested in human sexuality from the perspective of evolutionary psychology (and who isn't!) I highly recommended the book "Sex at Dawn"
Edit: If you don't want to go buy the book heres a link outlining the study. Or see #15 on their sites FAQ.
TL;DR - Because we're horny monkeys
There's an excellent book called Crucial Conversations which covers this topic superbly well. There are a lot of very predictable patterns which typically block conversation, and there are some techniques that most people can learn to overcome them. Very useful for business and personal life.
Crucial Conversations
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328
A Seat at the Table: IT Leadership in the Age of Agility
https://www.amazon.com/Seat-Table-Leadership-Age-Agility/dp/1942788118
Soft Skills
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1617292397
Trust
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/184046531X
There is a book called Crucial Conversations that I highly recommend.
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second-dp-0071771328/dp/0071771328/ref=mt_paperback?_encoding=UTF8&amp;me=&amp;qid=
It should give you ways to respond to her that aren't either ignore or snap.
You could also try saying something like "It makes me uncomfortable when you comment on my appearance. I would appreciate it if you could stop doing that."
Same with the candy "Susan, could you please not go into my desk anymore."
It sounds like you’re already doing well, but this book comes to mind. It’s a good read.
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_t5d7Cb35X0MDF
I am so glad you didn't break up with your girlfriend over your mother's terrible emotional manipulation! Honestly, putting that physical distance between you and your mother may help you establish emotional boundaries better because you won't have that physical contact where she can use her fits and rage and emotional displays to control your responses.
I'm not sure if you're into self help books, but two that I've been reading are Will I Ever be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C Gibson. I think both give really good explanations of the behavior of Nparents, particularly Nmothers in the first book. The first book also offers a series of exercises to help you identify your own personal traits and personality that may have been masked by your Nmom because she has left no room to express yourself while in her presence. A big part of both books is the idea that we can't expect our parents to change. They're not emotionally mature enough to have the sort of health mature relationships we wish we could have with them, so the issue kind of comes down to this: If we want them in our lives, can we accept them as they are? If we can't go on trying to maintain a relationship with them as they are, then perhaps cutting ties really is the best option.
Take your time to sort out your emotional stuff and get to some place of resolve (it likely won't be complete resolve, but at least get to a stable spot where you can make some clear decisions for yourself), and I encourage you to make decisions based on what you want to do and not based on what you believe you're supposed to do (based on how your mother has trained you). Your emotions are valid. Your wants and aspirations are valid. You matter, and people who truly care for you will hope that you do what makes you happy.
I'm rooting for you!
Edit: Some words.
That you're putting of talking to her makes me recommend this book: "Radical Honesty" by Brad Blanton.
If she's blowing up, you might also like "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. Contrary to what I usually do, I found this one hard to read but easy to listen to; YMMV.
While not geared toward romantic relationships, perhaps Nonviolent Communication would be a good choice.
I feel I have to give voice to another point of view here. Logical reasoning and argumentation works in certain limited settings but tend not to work in life in general and especially not in relationships. You may win the battle but lose the war with pure logic. Stating your emotions in good ways can be more powerful than any logic argument in my opinion. No one can dispute the way you feel which is unlike the rational arguments you make. I'll happily recommend reading the book Non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg on this subject.
The Introvert Advantage is a very good book, not just for categorizing yourself, but to actually understand yourself (or just what extroversion vs. introversion is) better. It would seem that around 85% percent of us are self proclaimed introverts so this is highly relevant for understanding why you might sometimes feel like the ugly duckling. Being an an-cap is something that is right with you, not what is wrong.
Consider the link to unpaid sources a troll to the IP Crowd ;-), of course it is worth checking out Amazon too, if nothing more, for the reviews.
And because I am always willing to call bullshit on myself as much as I am others, here is a link to an interview with the author on the podcast Skeptically Speaking. I can tell you that there is a self assessment quiz on page 21 or so of the book which you can ignore, it is complete garbage and if it wasn't everyone would be considered an introvert. Additionally, the author makes the claim that introverts tend to be smarter, on average, than extroverts but I do not think this is true or supported.
tl;dr: Introversion is not shyness. It is not antisocial. It is not less desire to connect with other people. It is not a greater or lesser ability to be a leader. It is not necessarily better or worse. It is a different way of processing information. It is a different requirement for "recharging one's batteries." If you can better understand what makes yourself tick, you will be less inclined to blame your sour moods on your anti-state/pro-liberty views.
Hiya Aaron,
From the interview:
>>Many good programmers I know, for instance, aren’t too social.
>
>I think that’s probably part of it; many people don’t have the social skills to notice how offensive they’re being.
You're making the classic extrovert mistake to think all people are like you, and all other lack social skills. This is utterly offensive ;) On average extroverts outgun introverts 8 to 2, but if you want to succeed among programmers, where it's 2 to 8, you better get some understanding. It's not about superior or inferior behaviour, it's about whether your brain is driven by adrenaline or dopamine, and the consequences. Read for instance:
http://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert-World/dp/0761123695
You should buy & read this http://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802
here's what you should do instead:
If you want to make it even better, aerate & add staggered nutrients. Here's something I posted about what I learned at NHC last year - http://www.homebrewtalk.com/f30/what-i-learned-nhc-183897/
Pick up a copy of The Compleat Meadmaker
>How do you get your ingredients and what’s the most important part about them?
I look to source ingredients locally, when possible. Farmer's market, local co-op, etc. Specialty ingredients such as certain honey varietals that are regionally specific (tupelo, meadowfoam, mesquite, orange blossom, etc.) are typically ordered online after reading a fair number of reviews to get a sense of what I'm buying. Penzey's (online) is my go-to for spices. Quality is far-and-away the top priority when sourcing ingredients. It shows in the final product. Compromise in this area will cap the quality of your final product.
>What was the most helpful source of information at the beginning?
Honestly, the r/mead wiki is pretty damn helpful. I also recommend The Compleat Meadmaker and The Complete Guide to Making Mead. These are the two that got me started, and they are both quality publications.
>What equipment do you have/ how long have you used it?
Oh god. I just moved and realized how much equipment I actually have. It's...probably excessive.
2 x 5-gal primary buckets
2 x 2-gal primary buckets
1 x bottling bucket
8 x 1-gal glass jugs/carboys
5 x 3-gal glass carboys
2 x 5-gal better bottles
1 x 6.5-gal better bottle
1 x 6.5-gal glass carboy
Requisite number of air locks, bungs, stoppers, etc.
Hydrometer
Refractometer
Auto-siphon
Silicone tubing (replaced all vinyl tubing)
Handheld bottle capper (for crown caps)
Portuguese floor corker
Bottle tree
*Buon Vino mini-jet filtration system
I'm sure there more that I'm forgetting, but this gives the general sense.
The following strategies and resources are those that have proven particularly useful to me. I hope they will prove useful to you as well. I think it's helpful to approach them like an academic subject - take notes, analyze and dig deeper, look for related resources. Take your time on it and approach it like a continuing education process.
Self-work:
Communication:
Relationships:
Hey!
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.
Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.
We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.
This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.
Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.
Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.
https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379
https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&amp;dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&amp;dpSrc=sims&amp;preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV
https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237
Friends told me More than two is a great book :-)
"Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You" by Dr. Susan Forward
I've always had problems in the relationship with my parents. This book helped me understand that I can control how I respond to their behavior and get out of the "FOG" they created.
>The whole problem is so simple and the solutions so seemingly easy, but I literally just cannot.
I have felt this way to a greater or lesser degree for most of my life, particularly for things related to self-care and personal motivation. Trying to willpower myself through doing those things, even if temporarily successful, usually didn't last and increased the feelings of self-loathing and ineptness/impotency. Low-level depression (made worse by some hormones) was the norm for me. I'd made strides in specific cases (learning to exercise was one), but several areas continue to be difficult for me.
BUT--I read a book that changed things for me hugely, just a few months ago. I read it because I've been trying to understand for years how to connect with my kids to have the happy, close, trusting, peaceful relationships as a family that are my dream. The obstacles I kept coming up against, over and over, were inside of me, and I needed to understand how to get past myself so we could all be happy!
I'd looked at books meant for adult kids of alcoholics, since some of the advice paralleled with areas I struggled in (like having good boundaries, making good friendships, even adulting in general), but it...just wasn't quite right, 'cause growing up, we didn't tiptoe around secrets or deny serious dysfunction or go without basic physical care. Still, there was something missing, and the missing "whatever" felt really, really tied to this inability to DO. To self-motivate. To take care of myself. To have ANYTHING to draw on inside me to give my kids an attentive, centered person to relate to.
Then I came across this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It basically outlines how your parents can provide a home with physical care, security, and affection, and still leave you feeling like you are lost and empty inside, even as an adult.
I have the book around here somewhere but I can't find it, so I hope you'll forgive me quoting some things from the amazon preview that are wordy but close to what I want to convey:
>"Growing up in a family with emotionally immature parents is a lonely experience. These parents may look and act perfectly normal, caring for their child’s physical health and providing meals and safety. However, if they don’t make a solid emotional connection with their child, the child will have a gaping hole where true security might have been. The loneliness of feeling unseen by others is as fundamental a pain as physical injury, but it doesn’t show on the outside…When the children of emotionally immature parents grow up, the core emptiness remains…
>"Emotional loneliness is so distressing that a child who experiences it will do whatever is necessary to make some kind of connection with the parent. These children may learn to put other people’s needs first as the price of admission to a relationship. Instead of expecting others to provide support or show interest in them, they may take on the role of helping others, convincing everyone that they have few emotional needs of their own. Unfortunately, this tends to create even more loneliness, since covering up your deepest needs prevents genuine connection with others. [My note: So feeling like your own caretaking is undeserved, or putting yourself last on a visceral level is a part of this. Also, my dad was a controlling parent, and my motivation problems have root in the passive aggressive way I tried to resist being controlled in nearly every area of life, since outward defiance was so, so emotionally risky.] ...
>"Parents who are emotionally immature are so self-preoccupied that they don’t notice their children’s inner experiences. In addition, they discount feelings, and they fear emotional intimacy. They’re uncomfortable with their own emotional needs and therefore have no idea how to offer support at an emotional level. Such parents may even become nervous and angry if their children get upset, punishing them instead of comforting them. These reactions shut down children’s instinctive urge to reach out, closing the door to emotional contact…."
Anyway, I may be all wet, so I'm sorry if none of this feels like it applies to you! I'm kinda like the proverbial man with a hammer, who thinks everything is now a nail: this new paradigm has changed my self-understanding so completely, and it's just not part of the way most people talk about family and ourselves in general, that if anyone even kinda looks like it might apply to them, I want them to know about it! It's helped me see that I'm not defective as a person--I have deficits in emotional skills I should have been taught and wasn't. Deficits in supportive relationships I should have had, but don't.
I hope this helps in some way. If nothing else, just know you're not crazy, you're not worthless, and you're not alone.
Edit: formatting/clarity
I'm working on it. Therapy once a week, and I'm struggling to finish a degree that I've been working on for a while. Whenever I do good work in school, I self-sabotage. It's infuriating. But these support groups on Reddit help a lot.
I hope other people who have enabler parents realize that it's OK to be mad at them. Yeah, they were victims of abuse in a way too, but we deserved better. IDK if your DH or you ever want book recommendations on enabler moms, but I've left a trail of breadcrumbs with book excerpts in them through my posts:
The enabler bibliography is still a work in progress, but it's a great jumping off point for anyone else who is mad as hell at an enabler. I'll keep adding to it as I find more relevant books, essays, chapters, poems, etc.
in The Realm of Hungry Ghosts Human, riveting, well-written, and depicts how the mechanisms underlying addiction operate in everyone. [sauce: am not addict, thank God]
Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida. This is just one of those books that is always relevant, no matter what you're facing. I can consistently flip to any random page in this book, read for a few paragraphs, and find complete and shattering truth that is relevant to whatever I am dealing with at the time.
I'm fairly certain I've purchased this book about 7 times because people keep borrowing it and finding it mind-blowing - so I just let them keep it and buy another copy for myself.
Here's an amazon link for anybody interested: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591792576
Read the description before you jump to the conclusion that this book is anti-woman... It couldn't be further from the truth.
A must own for anybody in a committed relationship.
I dont know...but my friend is going through this right now and I reccomended this book to her.
Maybe it will help you too?
I can't recommend this book enough:
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350
It walks you through the important issues, and is based on surveys, years later, of people who stayed in their marriage or left, and how they feel about their decision in retrospect.
I read this after my divorce. If I had it years before, I would have divorced quicker instead of agonizing for so long. It would also have helped me better articulate to my ex why I was divorcing.
Here are the questions that are discussed in the book - but you really do need to read the whole book, to get the full idea:
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/624336
18 & 19. Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?
LIST
For each item on the list ask:
then
I started Expexting Better but I'm not a numbers/data person so it came across as irritating to me. Tons of people like it and recommend it though so it's worth a shot!
My midwife recommended Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth. A doula friend recommended anything by Dr. Sears.
Read this book and This book together
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The fact that he is resisting giving her up and they are still sharing time with each other even though it is causing you pain is concerning. How would he feel if the situations were reversed? What would his reaction be? Does he share or is he willing to share every single communication between the two of them with you? Like your SO, I'm positive mine never ventured into a PA, but he was on his way to an EA. Yours is in EA territory, too. Mine offered to cut contact but that wasn't practical given our social circle. Instead, he shows me every text & tells me about every call from her. I haven't told him I verify it against our phone records. Yes, he could be using messaging apps & social media for the contact, no I don't snoop on his phone or computer, but I honestly don't think she is the type to knowingly sneak like that. The communication they used to have was on the upswing, and he deleted the texts before I asked to see them (which is why I believe it was an EA for him and not a friendship) & is now any texts are few and far between and calls are nearly non-existent. SO & I worked on our communication and time spent together and things have improved for us.
This is not quick advise, but--
I found this book by John H. Gottman to be very helpful in sorting out my own marriage. (Divorced now.) The author provides tools to figure out if the relationship problems are solvable or perpetual, as well as providing sound advice on just how to get along...some of which seems obvious, but can be good to be reminded.
Personally, I opted for divorce only once it became clear to me that it was unlikely that my DH and I would not be truly happy being together in the long run. Too much compromise was required on both sides. I left because I love him and want us both to be able to find happiness. It was a heart-wrenching experience, but ultimately the right choice for us.
Divorce is painful, and so much messier (and more expensive) than any other breakup. Imo, it shouldn't be regarded as a first option, but sometimes it might be the right answer.
Best wishes!
> We do keep score, that's a good way to put it.
Here's something interesting I learned in a marriage therapy class in grad school: marriage therapists used to suggest that partners in struggling marriages do nice things for each other in a "tit for tat" system. For example, they'd ask the couple to each do one nice thing for each other a day.
Research has shown that this is actually counterproductive. If a spouse is keeping track of how many nice things they've done and how many nice things the other person has done, they become less happy with the relationship. Inevitably, each partner can list more nice things they've done for the other person than they can nice things the other person has done for them. It makes them feel more resentful towards the other person, not less.
I know you've said you're a logical kind of guy and you like to be quantitative about things, but I think this is something you should think about: hard research shows that when you keep track of who owes who what, your relationship is likely to deteriorate.
By the way, the research we learned about in that class was mostly by the Gottman Institute, which is the leading organization in empirical research on predictors of marriage success. They write lots of books for lay people, which I'd highly recommend -- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, for example.
Great book. [Here] (http://www.amazon.com/Faith-Doubt-Religious-Believers-Nonbelievers/dp/0814433723/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1453163862&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=in+faith+and+in+doubt) is the link. [This one] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797?keywords=making%20marriage%20work&amp;qid=1453163805&amp;ref_=sr_1_4&amp;sr=8-4) was also helpful to me.
>She doesn't understand why I would want to pay someone who doesn't know anything about us a lot of money to tell us what to do.
Because they're highly trained, have no agenda or overt bias. If you two were going to solve your issues on your own it would have happened by now.
The fact that she'd rather split up than seek outside help is pretty telling about her level of interest in making this work.
I've recommended this before, it's a pretty good book but won't be as helpful as a professional:
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
See a counselor yourself, it can't hurt, and it might lower your stress level and give you some insight into different things you can try to improve your side of things. A trial separation probably won't help, those only work if done for very specific reasons and with the help of a professional.
Whatever you do, please don't get married until you sort some things out.
Yessir, that's a good way of putting it.
>May I ask how you worked on your social skills and networking?
Absolutely! First I read a bunch of books and articles, which I'll list for you below. Second I got a job that requires a lot of social interaction. And third I made a very dedicated effort to do more social things.
(Wow, I didn't realize how large this list was going to be. So I'm going to very highly recommend the first three books and just say that everything else is going to be beneficial, but not really necessary. You don't have to go nearly as deep as I did to get good results.)
How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to Talk to Anyone
What EveryBODY is Saying
---
Never Eat Alone
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
Argumentation and Debate
What to Say When You're Dying on the Platform
The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking
The Art of Framing
This article
This documentary on body language
This video on body language
This ebook
/r/socialskills
This website
This video
This video
This video
A lot of Craig Ferguson interviews (especially the lady ones)
Etiquette
> I am so guilty of trying to plan ahead what I'm going to say!
That was a big piece for me. I was so focused on coming up with a response that would make someone like me that I wasn't truly listening and then reacting honestly to what they were saying.
A good book that helps with understanding classic back-and-forth of conversation is the classic "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie (link goes to Kindle edition). Some of the examples are a little dated (he refers to people who were celebrities at the time he wrote his book in the 1930s), but the advice is rock-solid useful.
And while I haven't done this, a friend of mine with social anxiety joined her local Toastmasters chapter a few years back so she could to learn to cope with public speaking. She swears it changed her life. Certainly all of her friends noticed the change--more confidence and easy-going with strangers. You might consider it.
Complicated answer that depends on context.
I would go read "How to win friends and influence people"
But heres also a quick step by step guide
May I suggest this. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1 No More Mr Nice Guy. For many of us, we hate that we're the "nice guy" but don't want to be the jerk either. Read it for yourself. Take it or leave it.
Please read this book
The book Feeling Good (free copy here) guides you through exercises to tackle depression and low self-esteem, the kind of things that a therapist might get you could to do. I found it very helpful.
A man cold is the common cold, but for men like me, it makes me completely useless. I use all my energy at work and then I'm done for the day. Which is worse when you have anxiety and depression.
Citalopram is an SSRI, (also known as Celexa) it's used to treat both anxiety and depression (as well as a host of other conditions)
I found that it takes more than just the SSRIs to deal with the What ifs.
They give you a boost, but it's like re aligning your brain. My Doctor recommended Feeling Good, the new mood therapy by Dr Burns (amazon link
(Note for mods: the Amazon link is not an affiliate link)
I managed to get the eBook for cheap and it has quite a bit of homework that helps train your brain to worry less about the What ifs and really analyse them.
Once you are able to fully realise what the What ifs are coming from, you are able to navigate life worrying about them.
You are strong enough. I'd say counseling is going to be huge for you. Take your time to find the right person for you, a good counselor that fits your needs and that you feel connected to will be huge.
Try this book - it's not the best I've ever read, but it does address the things you're talking about.
Buy the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” by Dr. Karyl McBride ( https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 ) and give it to your wife. It might help her start to understand how her mother will always treat her.
Look up the book, Will I ever be good enough, healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers, it helped me tremendously,
My mother is awful, she was awful to my husband, unless she wanted something from him, she would have preferred me divorced and living with her with our kids,
The book opened my eyes big time!
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lA6GDbBFYB3G3
I know this is a touch off topic, but for dealing with the aftermath of such an occurrence, please give your SO this book: http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1/179-3456023-8640952?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1453145264&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough
It's really helpful for people who have narcissistic parents and how to deal with the long term effects. Good luck to your SO, she should certainly hold them accountable to the highest level of the law. They're grown adults and they know what they did, total lack of regard for your SO.
Shameless plug for you guys to check this book out. My counselor recommended it to me. It's so simple and forward and has totally simplified my life.
I'm NC with my nMom.....and I'm allll out of fucks to give for anyone who wants to give me their 2 cents on the issue.
Oh hon, I feel you. This gets me because I felt the same way. I still do. I have a 19 month old toddler.
Start here: Parenting from the Inside Out.
This book will really help you decipher your family, and really give you hope and tools for not reproducing their problems onto your little beauty of a tiny awesome person.
It's pretty straightforward and incredibly useful.
Then read this and this. Yes read them while you're pregnant because again they will give you hope and insight.
Buy this book and start reading it now too. We call it the Baby Bible in our house.
It's a survival manual for the first year of their life. It has everything. I don't know how many times we've pulled it down and flipped to the index at 2:00 am. It's better than Google. It's fantastic. (That said, it has an angle like all parenting books, even though it tries not to. They are attachment parenting writers. Nothing wrong with attachment parenting per se, just an awareness all parenting books have angles, even the impartial ones.)
Also, if you're anything like me, avoid all the happy, glowing, blowing-stardust-and-glitter-up-your-ass, pregnancy books out there. These did nothing but enrage me. I'm talking about What to Expect and similar. Unless you like stardust and bullshit, avoid avoid avoid.
Basically if you go to a thrift store and there's 8 copies of the damn pregnancy or parenting book on the shelf, don't buy it.
Instead check out books like this and this and this.
Now I haven't read those exact books, unlike all my other recommendations above, all of which I've personally read as a scared, overwhelmed pregnant lady or new mom. But as long as you stay in the 'brutally honest' lane and away from the 'syrupy sweet, guilt laden, shame' lane, then you'll be fine.
Even in 2019 there's a mountain of mommy advice bullshit books out there. Keep your instincts and your wits about you, don't forget who you are. Stay strong. And work on yourself with books like Parenting from the Inside Out and the How to Talk books.
A Good Easy Read To Start With There's a teen version too.
You're still a long way off from teen years. Don't worry. 7 years old is normal to develop a crush but at that age a crush just means someone you think is a cute and funny. When she's along the lines of 10-12 is when most girls start having "boyfriends" but even then it'll be something that lasts a week at most. Don't bog her down with a lot of love advice right now. The best thing you can do is just listen. If she has a question, answer it, but don't give unsolicited advice because you will probably be wasting your breath. If you feel like you NEED to give advice one thing you can say is, "Would you like to know what I would do if I were in this situation?" and she'll probably say yes and want to hear it.
Definitely give her some books about her body's changes and how to say no and all that. Amazon has a lot of good ones. There was one by American Girl called The Care and Keeping of You which gives age appropriate advice on puberty and hygiene. Girl's Life magazine is GREAT for young girls. It gives age appropriate advice, has a lot of learning content, and a lot of articles about puberty. Having "the talk" just once is not enough. It's a series of conversations. And having books and magazines to refer to over time is so helpful. You don't want her googling to find out those things or asking her friends.
Don't spy on her, ever. The one time she catches you doing it, she will pretty much never trust you again. Also, unless she very seriously does something to break your trust, do not do things which would invade her privacy without her consent. Stuff like going through her phone or taking her bedroom door away. That's stuff you should only do if you think she might be a danger to herself and others and you have to do a serious intervention. Girls take their private space very seriously. If you raise her right and make her feel safe, she will come to you before you ever have to go to her. I promise.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Kindle Edition
by David D. Burns M.D. (Author)
4.4 out of 5 stars 1,518 customer reviews , https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C
It seems like you are on the right track! You were able to create an environment where you mostly stopped this behavior until it was triggered again. Have confidence in yourself and what you have done to get to this point.
It sounds like visits are causing her trauma cup to overflow with pain. To reduce the level of trauma in the cup, she needs empathy and positive support. Try validating her feelings: "sometimes it can be hard to remember how things used to be; it's ok to miss your mom and be mad at her at the same time" etc...Giving her her wishes in fantasy can help sometimes: "I bet you wish you could stay in the backyard all night playing!" and then allow her to talk about what she would do before transitioning back inside. The classic book How to Talk so Kids will Listen has great advice for supporting children's emotional needs: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=asc_df_1451663889/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61194519294&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415
I've had some luck with playful engagement for snapping kids out of the "bad kid" role they sometimes learn to play in their attention starved homes. I'll act shocked and aghast and pretend to look all over the house for the "real" child's name. Or I'll pretend we are acting in a play and they are playing a role and then transition to the "scene" ending. TBRI has advice on this or read The Connected Child. https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/
First-then statements can help with predictability, trust, and felt-safety. "First we are going to clean up our toys, then we will go to the park etc..." If-then is also helpful for stating consequences when needed.
Reading her books at bedtime that explain the foster care process (she may have anxiety about returning home or suddenly being moved to a new family) and reassure her that you care about her no matter what. I absolutely love the book "Love you From Right Here." https://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Right-Here-Keepsake/dp/163296029X
Building in some sensory/regulation support proactively would probably be a good idea. Google sensory diet. You could also make a routine with a picture chart for her to help her sense of predictability. This is why playing outside likely calms her down. http://www.psychedconsult.com/uploads/5/5/2/7/5527771/9060909_orig.jpg The idea is that you do something every two hours like hopping on a hopper ball or carrying something heavy to help keep her brain and body calm.
Spending 5-15 minutes every single day no matter what to play with her one on one and use the PRIDE skills can cause remarkable change in just a few days. You can't ever take the time away though, no matter how poorly she behaves that day. http://www.impactparenting.com/storage/post-docs/PRIDE%20handout.pdf
Using time ins instead of time outs is a better practice whenever possible. Of course, as an adult, sometimes I am really the one that needs 30 seconds to get myself in a good place so I can be effective, so taking a quick time out first is sometimes needed for me. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/userfiles/Downloadable%20Handouts/COS_Time-In.pdf
I agree with the above she needs professional help right away. I also suggest you read “How to talk so kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk.” There is also a Teen version you may want to check out. Giving her a “homework time out” isn’t working nor will it ever work. Try working with her to solve problems instead of punishing her for them. ie “I like when the toilet is flushed. What can we do to help remember to flush the toilet?” Make a list with her (let her come up with the first idea. Write it down even if it’s outlandish. If she can’t think of anything then you say something outlandish/funny.) Once you have a list reason with her what the best one is for you both. The book goes into detail about this process.
Leave now. It's over. Unrepairable without significant change by both you and her, and still will leave you feeling like you were betrayed in the worst possible way. I know you still love her right now, but there are still a few things that you need to get through:
YOU GOT THIS!!
-----------
This is the advice I keep posting. It's had great results for males, maybe I'll make it a post to help out others. Anyways, here it is.
Lose the shock value of imagining her having sex by thinking about it over and over, because it's already happened and it's going to help you get over her. Do this while exercising and running. Every time you start to think about it, go run or exercise. Do not contact her. Cut off all forms of her checking on you. You can still think about her, but only as motivation for pissing you off and exercising and getting better. When you are depressed instead of pissed off, find great friends and tell them not to bring up anything about the relationship. Don't drink, keep your energy levels high with sleep, and don't be alone (unless you are exercising). And don't you dare fucking contact her.
(ONE MONTH LATER) Spend some time alone thinking about who you want to become. What are your dreams son? What would you die for. Become the man you were destined to become. You are the only one responsible for your happiness, start acting like it. No more sacrifices for anyone. Time for you to be completely selfish. Fuck'em all is the motto. Work on your dreams, and don't let anyone get in the way. Start documenting this so you can refer to how much of a badass you were (will be great motivation for later in your life).
(TWO MONTHS AFTER BREAKUP) The sting has lost its burn, but you still hate her. You are in a lot better shape, and have some great projects going on, and great friendships. You should stop thinking about her entirely. Get a rubberband, and snap it everytime you think about her, and then immediately shift your thoughts to something detail oriented that you love to do. Slowly you'll break the habit of thinking of her (maybe even a whole day without one thought of her!). Learn that she changed completely, the person you dated has essentially died. Don't resent your relationship, just mourn the loss of who that person used to be. The new person she is should be un-interesting to you. She's not nearly as good as you are at the things that matter (because you're working on your dreams, and you're getting better at them and found out that you are good at them). One more thing that makes your ex less interesting for your brain to think about.
Also, now that you are in better shape, go get a rebound girl. Liberate yourself sexually from your ex. The first time will feel forced or sad or awkward. Keep going. Do it ten more times, and one of those girls will be a legitimate connection. The sex will be mindblowingly better than with your ex. Another thing that your ex is less interesting in, so your brain stops thinking about her. You are well on your way to being completely over her.
This process is called:
Man the fuck up
Don't avoid any of the steps, they are all required eventually. This process is the only proven way for a man to be truly happy and respect himself. If you need help, just send a message, but I'll warn you now that I'm going to be brutally honest.
Read "When I say no I feel guilty" next, then follow up with "The Rational Male"
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts er en bok jeg hører igjennom akkurat nå (er på siste kapittel). Jeg føler den er "must read" for de som vil uttale seg angående avhengighet, om det gjelder stoffer eller andre ting.
Boken har endret mitt syn på en del aspekter med avhengighet.
The best way to solve those two primary contributing factors to homelessness is to bloody well treat them. If we had hundreds or thousands of people wandering our downtowns with, I don't know, pneumonia or something, wouldn't we just pop them into a hospital and treat them until they get better?
So it goes with mental illness and addiction. There are a lot of possible strategies for treating mental illness and addiction which look expensive at first, but which really can save buttloads of money in the long run. Read this article for a background and some ideas. Also, Dr. Gabor Maté's book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts is a great one for seeing what life is really like for the human beings who happen to be homeless addicts or mentally ill people.
A couple of thoughts:
I read a great book called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" and I've been following that advice to the best of my abilities and building the kind of relationship where I think my kid would tell me these things. These things take years, and have to be two-way relationships. I never interrogate my kid or pepper her with questions, but when we spend time together I often get long, involved stories about things.
Just today someone recommended a book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (amazon: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889)
And from what I can tell from its marketing blurb, it looks like empathy is at the core of their advice. I intend to purchase it and read it soon.
How about The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? Focuses on the Collaborative Problem Solving approach (see also www.thinkkids.org), which views temper tantrums as a delay in the development of emotion regulation skills and works on building those skills. Jed Baker's No More Meltdowns is another great option with some similar ideas.
For general parenting -- including dealing with tantrums -- I love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. Dawson and Guare's Smart But Scattered helps with executive functioning skills-development of all types (emotional regulation is an executive function; others include things like organization and planning).
Oh, and I haven't made it all the way through it yet, but The Whole Brain Child has some good ideas on how to talk about distress tolerance with kids, e.g., "surfing the emotional waves."
Yes, all the time. My kids are 1 and 3. This book was good and helped me: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889/ref=sxl1?qid=1463775586&amp;sr=1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65
In addition to all these wonderful suggestions, I'd like to recommend a book.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1408849554&amp;robot_redir=1
Most libraries have a copy. I am not a big parenting book person, but this book has a lot of good suggestions in it.
http://www.amazon.fr/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
>My wife and I have been married for 16 years.This April my wife told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore and all intimacy has stopped. I didn't know how to take this as I am in good shape, better than when we met. I have my hair still, I haven't lost my sense of humor, I still work hard make good money and take care of our kids. I don't drink, smoke, gamble, cheat, blow money, or abuse of any kind. I have tried making life really special for her for the last six months with lots of dates, trips, gifts, compliments, surprises, back scratches(all normal activities for us but i increased the frequency)...etc you name it. None of this seems to be working to help restore her attraction.
None of that creates any sexual desire or attraction, it only provides comfort.
Look, you are doing EVERYTHING the world tells you to do and none of it is working. You are the picture perfect husband, the world says they are attractive and their wives want them but here we are. She dosent and it's getting worse. She wants you even less.
>Here is what I want to know. Has anyone else gone through this and come out with a better marriage, either with therapy or without? I especially want to hear from the wives
This is a problem. You don't ask fish how to catch a fish. You want the wives to answer? How about you ask a man who has turned something like this around.
>reading this so I can better understand. And the second part is, what can I do?
stop trying. You come across as needy and sexually thirsty. It's very unattractive.
>I am in love with this woman and have been since the first day I met her
And yet she cares so little for you a task that takes less than 30 min, is important to You, and feels good is out of the question.
>and although she tells me she loves me too, this cannot continue like this
That's because she dosent love you. Love is when a person's interest and desires match their partners. If she loved you and desired you she would be fucking your brains out. Her desire is to stay married because she wants to maintain her lifestyle
>Any advice or experience please! I can answer any questions as well.
Yes read this book. You might hate some of the stuff in it. It will explain why your wife lost her desire and attraction to you and how it's your fault. The good news is you fucked yourself that means you can unfuck yourself.
https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
Linked this like 5 times today. This is a very common problem. I have been on both sides of a deadbedroom.
You need to read this.
https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
I've got something that hardly anyone ever reads, but it way shorter than a book...
It's a bit dry... But if you want to know what science has discovered about male/female attraction (and know how to use google scholar to follow up areas of specific interest from the citations it uses) it's a great starting resource as it's the meta-analysis of the field.
Evolution of Human Mate Choice
OTOH, if you actually want a book. The best resource I ever found about female sexuality attraction (focussing on the long term) was
Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay
"...pushover..."
http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1342054884&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=athol+kay
Now. RIGHT now.
I know where you're coming from here. I'm HL, (my guys is maybe he's LL-ML perhaps actually) but we haven't been intimate in god I don't know.. months? maybe over a year at this point. And that's typical... months if not years between attempts. Some weird pattern of complacency. Like... it's not going to get better if you never try but what you going to do.
Something broke somewhere and we haven't been abel to fix it. It was my first 'proper' relationship and his second, so that has a real big part to play in it too I think. And I've certainly tried to fix it - I lost weight, found loads of stuff online, books from here etc Sadly he found the books 'crass' so that wasn't helpful - but - I've collected loads of tips and guides and things to try and figure out how to fix things. HAsn't helped though... there is a gear to this and we've definitely both fallen out of it. We'd periodically talk about it - I'd always initiate these and he'd say that he agreed completely, that "things would change" and then nothing ever does of course.
And I say similar to you because he spends all his free time with a headset playing games (he's literally sitting next to me right now doing this), chatting to other people... awake till 4am online and mouthing me a "goodnight" while shooting some guy on Rust while I go to bed alone. I am pretty certain he 'takes care of himself' after I've goner to bed too... and really that sort of does its own damage. Not gonna lie, I do the same thing myself now... and that's the weird pattern we've fallen into. We're affectionate and caring don't get me wrong, but there's a giant black hole where physical intimacy should be and that is so so damaging. It's like our relationship is quietly eroding from the core and no amount of hugs will fix that >_>
Our issues likely like in several places - but one of them is the mismatch between how you get in the mood and how he does. Like you I prefer some sort of build up - it would be nice if we spent time doing something together for example - and like your guy, my guy just sort of occasionally jumps on me all guns blazing and expects instant reciprocation. And by instant I mean if I don't want him inside me after 2 minutes of a back massage "I don't find him attractive" which isn't true but he's 28 now - and teaching him foreplay is a legitimate thing is proving surprisingly difficult. I guess that's both the cause of and the result of 5 years of nothing and porn ironically (like I said, we were both new to this whole Relationship thing when we started). Deadly spiral, don't do that.
Anyway... gosh intimate ranting, the worst kind of ranting... sorry!
So, told, my guy does tech - right. He plays all hours, he spends more time chatting with online people than me, more time with them than me by a long long margin. I get it... and I imagine it's a replacement pure and simple. A distraction. And, like you, I've had enough, too. So... we have a choice here. We have identified we are unhappy - that's step one, and it's important. And very very likely we're not alone - our partners are also not happy. So we have two, well actually three options.
Having established you're in the "fix it" camp you really need to talk to him. Honestly and completely about what you just told us. Because sure you may have had these conversations before but that didn't change anything so you need to have another. And it needs to do something different, because last time didn't work.
In my case I had the latest one of these about a week ago. I laid out everything (again) and he quietly agreed with everything (again). Key thing. Realism.
In one way or other I said this: "look we need to fix this because we're both unhappy and I don't want my future to be like this. I can't imagine a future like this". He agreed (he felt the same too.) "nothing we tried before has worked" he also agreed. He said he was afraid of trying and failing - because failing would mean it couldn't be fixed and that scared him. Part of the inactivity and complacency was actually procrastination. The outcome: we need to go to a councillor. All the reddit archer advice and internet help and chats have done not one thing. I don't know where to go from here, I just don't - so we need to run this by somebody who does. He did actually agree to doing this in the new year. I'm not entirely convinced - like the promised dates and time spent together it's likely to be forgotten I should think. But it's worth trying.
Time is a precious thing. It's a finite thing. You either spend time fixing it or you call it quits and find somebody who makes you happy. Ideally you fix things, of course, and marriage counsellors exist for a reason. But it's worth looking at it like that - and mentioning to him that things are this serious - because they really are. Something fixable now might not be fixable couple of years down the line. Take if from somebody 6 years down the line more time does not solve anything (only perpetuates it) - but only actions will change things.
Two books I found helpful you may also find useful.
Come as You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life - I am reading this atm, though this sub I think - and it's really really interesting. From what you've said I think you would find it really insightful too and highly recommend it.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts - this might be useful for you too - you can find summaries online that tell you the basics though. This is such an important thing - and might be a useful way into the deeper conversation you need to have.
EDIT
You mentioned feeling resentment about rejection and I totally see that. Rejection cuts both ways - and does its own sort of damage. Time only deepens those wounds, so be careful of that. What this boils down to though is that you both need to be putting 100% into fixing things. This isn't some "you need to do this so he will do that" stuff. That just causes resentment - you feel you've been hurt and are still expecting to put your heart on the line again - and I imagine that's how he feels too. This is your relationship which is the combination of you both. You can't fix it with imbalance - imbalance is what broke it. You need to get off the ride (communicate openly) and restart it (councillor for example) and both go back into it together. Spend time together (for your side of things) and intimate time (for his side of things). even if it doesn't end... completely... if you see what I mean - sometimes these things need ramping up and the intimacy you both need should be built gradually. I'm almost looking at it as trying to see it as a new relationship - because those are the sort of things you're rebuilding.
Have you read Married Man's Sex Life Primer, How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You, 5 Love Languages and The Sex Starved Marriage ?
I have no idea how to convey the terror that is being in a sexless marriage. I question everything about myself and my life. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. If you had a magic button to push, I would GLADLY give you the contents of my bank accounts & 401k.
If you don't have any experience with this, I can't imagine that your advice will be that practical. My wife stiffens if I touch her. Do you understand?
Poor sexual rapport would be something that I'd like to attain, I'd liken our situation to ABYSMAL sexual rapport. Literally, she will speak to her mother our our daughter in a nicer tone of voice, or will hug & kiss them without a care the way I wish she'd do for me.
The married man's sex life primer by Athol Kay. Buy it. Read it. Live it.
Also, r/deadbedrooms
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1460981731?pc_redir=1406627557&amp;robot_redir=1
Okay, I will tell you some things about me.
First, I ghosted everyone that knew me as a Blue Pill guy. Now, an inherent part of ghosting is being alone. When most people tell you they are independent, it's fucking bullshit. Emerson wrote a great deal on self-reliance.
Here is an essay by Emerson on the subject of self-reliance. It is both a great introduction to his views and how beautifully he writes.
http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm
Here is a collection of Emerson's essays. Ignore the 1 star review, which is for the Kindle version of the book, but heed it and buy the physical book instead of the Kindle version.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1598530844/
Emerson was friend and mentor to Thoreau, who wrote the following account of his two-year stay in a cabin near Walden Pond. One of Thoreau's goals was self-sufficiency.
http://www.amazon.com/Walden-A-Fully-Annotated-Edition/dp/0300104669
Here is some further reading.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0762415339/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1492777862/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0199291152/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0802150926/
You mention you are going to be a radiographer soon. Now, I have seen said on TRP that some here do not see the point in film, but I fucking love film. Now, there is one film in particular that I think relates to your situation incredibly. That is Ikiru by Akira Kurosawa.
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/ikiru/
Ikiru is about a Japanese man who, near the end of his life, learns he has a terminal disease. He has, up to that point, wasted his whole life at his government job. Learning of his illness inspires in the main character a will to change, and seeing him undergo that inspires change in those around him. But, and this is another lesson to be learned from the film, we see that the main character's transformation has no lasting effect on those around him. Change has to come from within.
Another film seriously worth watching is Whiplash. I saw it mentioned in this subreddit in passing and am glad I did.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7d_jQycdQGo
If you want me to elaborate on the things that I didn't, ask. I have a lot more film recommendations, but cannot recommend any more books, as I do not read that much. I don't recommend any music as I would consider most of what I listen to to be blue pill.
It's available for purchase:
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862/
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Preventive-Medicine/dp/1508596557
The red pill is essentially applied evolutionary psychology. The most prominent red pill book is Rollo Tomassi's The Rational Male. These theories explain a lot of social problems we have, as described in The Misandry Bubble. MGTOW use this information (part 3) to increase the quality of the individual man's life (part 5).
For those interested in understanding addictions and motivations behind them, I suggest you read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by M.D. Gabor Maté.
I've been struggling with opiate addiction for over a decade. I've done NA, seen therapists, worked inpatient programs, and read a ton of books on the subject. If you truly want to stop (and it sounds like you do) it is possible for you to do so, but it will take dedication on your part. There are no simple solutions in most cases like these.
First, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a weak, stupid, or a bad person. Addiction doesn't arise because you made the mistake of taking too many pills. You just happened to be unfortunate enough to come across a narcotic or form of behavior that alleviates some degree of unresolved, persistent antagonism/stress in you life (this is the real disease, the drug use is the symptom). And since these drugs are plentiful, or you were bound to have a tooth pulled at some point, don't fault yourself for using. It was bound to happen and from the sound of it, like so so many other people out there, it seems you're prone to addictive behavior.
Everyone thinks their too smart, too special, or just too much of a bad ass for this to happen to them. I thought that way and I've met hundreds of other addicts who thought the same. The irony here isn't that everyone who thinks they're special is actually sadly cliche (though true), it's that you're likely special in some other way that you haven't quite realized. Most of the hardcore addicts I've met fall into two categories, abused or underused i.e.;they've been the victims of an abusive childhood or they're people with high degrees of unknown and unfulfilled potential.
Considering you've done one of the bravest things possible for an early user such as yourself--admitting you have a problem--I'm gonna say you're likely in the second category. You've already shown your character in a very positive light. Be proud of yourself, and more importantly, be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes on this journey, but so far you're off to an early and promising start, if you maintain your resolve.
The first trick for someone like you is going to be to stop using, completely. In the short term, you've received some great advice, eat non-fatty foods, exercise as much as you can, get rid of your stash, etc.. You're already through the worst of your withdraw. You're a light user and shouldn't feel any discomfort after 3 to 5 days. But understand this, what you felt wasn't even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to withdraw. The discomfort, sleeplessness, and despair you felt can be a hundred times worse (and lasting up to two weeks) for a pill popper after just a year. Remember, it's not always about how much you use, but how long as well. And I won't even bother to describe the misery of IV use, as you seem like a smart kid, you can do the math.
Long term, you're real difficulty is probably going to be in finding a support network to help you stay the fuck away from opiates. Because though they may mean well, parents and friends usually aren't up to the challenge. Even if they want to, they often just can't understand why you feel compelled to use. The best people to consult are either other addicts in recovery or professionals, either of which hopefully works in tandem with the love and support of your friends and family.
NA is a great place to start for most people humble enough to admit they have a problem, but I can't stress the need to find the right group more. So if you go this route, go to as many different meeting as possible, on different nights and at different places so you find folks you're comfortable with. I used to think NA was just a bunch of Bible thumping ex cons and I couldn't have been more wrong. Stay away from Narcanon though, they're sponsored by Scientology. You're better off staying on the pills in that case. ;-)
If you're too shy for NA or just can't find the right group, look into specialized addiction therapists. But generally steer clear of anyone working directly with the criminal justice system, you're not a criminal, so don't let anyone treat you like one.
If you're not ready to share your problem with anyone face to face quite yet (just don't make the mistake I did and wait years to do so), pick up some books about addiction to help clear up all the bad information you've been indoctrinated with on the topic, as I assume you grew up here in the States. My personal favorite is Dr. Gabor Mate's In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts.
Beyond that, you're also welcome to message me if you have any specific questions. I've been exactly where you are today, so I truly feel for your predicament. If I can be of any assistance, please don't hesitate to ask.
I understand what you are saying. It is frustrating, feeling like you are constantly fighting an internal war against yourself. I second DF. Seek outside help and support. The only reason not to tell your parents is you're worried about facing the consequences of your actions, not because you're worried about them. You're doing the thing they were / are worried about, you're just not being honest about it. Especially if you are still living with them or otherwise receiving their support, you owe them the truth. "The truth shall set you free." It will be a relief to stop living a lie. If your parents are anything like mine they love you very much and just want you to get better. The reason it is important to get help is because, to oversimplify it, your brain is compromised from within. You cannot rely on it alone to get you out of addiction.
I'd honestly suggest picking up a few books on addiction. They really helped me understand what was going on inside my brain and clear up a lot of the frustrating mysteries, not to mention reading helped pass the time during detox. Check out In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts
Chasing the Scream by Johann Hari and In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate are my suggestions.
>Problems arising in development for which we have trouble finding or creating a good solution. This may take a few extra hours but in some cases it has taken days to figure some things out, and this is time that is 'unaccounted for' because these tasks have specific hours/points assigned to them.
This is an issue with planning. Things can and do happen, but if they are happening frequently you have an issue with planning.
One thing you can try to do is assign a 'champion' to each ticket during the first discussion. (backlog grooming usually) The champion is responsible for gathering all the needed information and essentially the go-to person for understanding what needs to be completed and all of the dependencies. This person should also work with product to break an epic or story into the appropriate scope and subtasks. If a problem does arise, this is the person responsible for working with relevant stake holders to come up with a potential solution to take to the group.
>Time spent going back and fixing previously-completed components when new components break them. Our app is comprised of many components that work off of each other and sometimes changes to one either break another one or require some further changes to other ones to prevent breakage.
This is another planning issue. if you have to frequently go back and fix stuff that was completed then you didn't accurately capture the dependencies. (or someone else released something without checking your dependencies. still an issue with planning, just maybe not yours)
This is harder to fix. a champion can alleviate this to a degree, but it depends on the nature of the dependency. either way, not enough communication is going on.
>From the UI side, going back and fixing/updating/improving components that were functionally in a completed state. This one doesn't take up much time, but it is still not 'tasked' time.
Then task it. you should be capturing as much of your work on paper as possible.
if UI is outside of your team, it should be accounted for as a dependency the team is responsible for.
Again, not enough communication is going on. UI people should be part of your planning and you should be accounting for this time.
>The biggest problem comes when we have to make changes to multiple components simultaneously because they share functionality or work together, and this appears to cause a delay because 'neither of them are being completed on schedule'.
guess what I'm going to say. :p
sounds like you need to work with your SM to re-establish communication chains. they aren't there.
>We are all talented developers and we know what we are doing, but the seemingly 'results-driven' approach of SCRUM is not making a lot of sense to us right now, and morale is low.
your SM doesn't know what he's doing, sadly. Sounds like a converted PM that hasn't crested the learning curve yet. It sucks that Morale is low. You can do things to help him out and keep morale high. unfortunately this also depends on his willingness to accept the fact he doesn't know what he's doing.
You should really sit down with your SM and talk to him about this. It's his job to remove impediments. low morale is an impediment. how do your retro's go?
One of my favorite stories to tell, is one of the first retro's I was observing. (normally only the team should be present, but we made an exception for training purposes. I was there to observe, not to add) The company I was at was in the middle of a transition to Agile. They weren't prepared to hire dedicated SMs, so we were training within and having volunteers be SMs on teams temporarily.
Anyway, during the course of the retro, the team talked about how the current SM was not meshing well with the team, and wasn't really embodying Agile/Scrum as everyone else understood it. They decided in the Retro that the SM wasn't right for the team, and they needed a new one. So that's what they did, switched SMs right in the middle of the retro.
>Sometimes unexpected and time-consuming shit happens, and tasks cannot be completed 100% in one sitting. It just doesn't make sense to me. Can someone please explain how to handle these scenarios?
This largely depends on the group and the environment. if things are changing as frequently as you say, and they always will, then you should explore other models than Scrum. Specifically lean/kanban is better suited to volatile environments.
Within Scrum, when an event occurs that drastically changes the scope of a sprint you're supposed to bust the sprint. This is, by design, a painful process. you should immediately go into retrospective. talk about what went wrong. go into planning and re-establish baseline. figure out what the team can get done with this new information and restart the iteration.
Again, this is painful by design because it is a last resort. if these events happen frequently, then there's something else going on that needs to be addressed and talked about. mostly because you lose two days every time you bust a sprint. it paints a giant target on you that screams 'we didn't have our crap together. so now we have to go back and get our crap together' and no-one likes that. This is the main mechanism used to 'force' a team to fix their problems. granted, most SMs and most companies don't bust sprints even when things are going very poorly. but this is what scrum has in place for what you described. (so start doing it.)
In reality, Scrum tries to prevent these scenarios by enforcing better habits around planning and commitments. if you're new to scrum, or don't understand it yet, this can be extremely chaotic as Scrum assumes you have certain things already worked out. Scrum training generally does a woefully inadequate job of explaining this. the point is to highlight your main problem areas so you can fix them.
It's doing that very well. you've identified your time sinks. have some problems. Scrum's job is done. now it's your turn. talk about the issues as a team and figure out a solution based on the context of your environment (team/project/company/organization).
-------------
Recommended reading:
Phoenix Project: https://www.amazon.com/Phoenix-Project-DevOps-Helping-Business/dp/0988262509
Crucial Conversations: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/
Lean from the Trenches: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Trenches-Managing-Large-Scale-Projects/dp/1934356859/
When you're ready for something more advanced:
Tribal Leadership: https://www.amazon.com/Tribal-Leadership-Leveraging-Thriving-Organization/dp/0061251321/
Toyota Production System: https://www.amazon.com/Toyota-Production-System-Beyond-Large-Scale/dp/0915299143/
Lean Software Development: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Software-Development-Agile-Toolkit/dp/0321150783/
Note: This last book is 'advanced' mostly because of price. It's worth it.
I found this to be helpful not only with difficult superiors but with challenging staff/parents.
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition (Business Books) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_xFYYzbSQM904J
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship has helped me evaluate my marriage. Not an end-all but gives you some things to think about.
> Too good to leave, too bad to stay
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350
By Mira Kirshenbaum
Maybe it is a good explanation for his behavior. Excuse? Nope. In fact, it’s all the more reason to run... Untreated mental health issues do not make for a good partner. Even if you were married, that would be a poor reason to try to “fix” it but you are lucky and getting these red flags before you are married or have kids (? I hope?) which will further complicate it. The more time you are with him, the more investment there is, and it only gets harder to leave.
The other thing that makes it hard is that you likely know all the softer, sweet, or funny parts of him, and it makes it hard to reconcile the behavior with those other qualities and contribute to second-guessing yourself. Most people are not 100% good or bad. In this case, The thing the bad behavior and/or traits overshadow the good there is.
I speak from experience... I actually married my guy like that. Then had a kid. And 21 years in, I had to go.
Think about that. Think about the next 20 years of your life peppered with dramas and inconvenience and pain like you had when he abandoned you on the side of the road.
Leaving was the single hardest thing I’ve chosen to do in my adult life, and I honestly did not think I would make it — emotionally. For years I thought that I just needed to understand him better and was handling things poorly. 🙄 I finally figured out that he did what he did because of HIM, not me. As soon as I was out for the tiniest bit of time, I couldn’t believe I had stayed so long, and I felt as if I had come out from under some sort of fairytale spell! Lol
SORRY this is so long. Tl:dr = go go go!! Lol
I read this book back then and found it really helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=55856820437&amp;hvadid=274690941339&amp;hvdev=m&amp;hvlocphy=9026804&amp;hvnetw=g&amp;hvpos=1t2&amp;hvqmt=e&amp;hvrand=13362815725935575986&amp;hvtargid=kwd-302114484417&amp;keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&amp;qid=1555296543&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-1
For actual pregnancy, I loved the American college of obstetrics and gynecology's book and I know a lot of people loved the mayo clinic book.
Planning for Pregnancy, Birth And Beyond: Second Revised Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525941401/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_PLZHAbPZ6V85C
Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy: From Doctors Who Are Parents, Too! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1561487171/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_tMZHAbRTF0RMQ
I also read what to expect when your expecting but it was a lot of the same info in my apps, except the actual birth and labor part. There was some helpful stuff in there!
For laboring I read Ina May's guide to Childbirth and I LOVED it. I feel SO prepared after reading it!
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381156/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_VNZHAbQ7T2S9D
I tried to read
Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452276594/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_HOZHAbRC89D39
But I couldn't take it seriously!
And for breastfeeding I read
The American Academy of Pediatrics New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding (Revised Edition): Completely Revised and Updated Third Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399181989/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_9PZHAbSMPXVX9
And for baby feeding and sleeping I read
On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep https://www.amazon.com/dp/1932740139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_JQZHAbS5P7824
WONDERFUL IDEA! I'm going to follow suit and do this too. If you've read any of Ina May's stuff (here and here), you'd probably jive with her way of referring to "contractions." She calls them "rushes." Which helps to disassociate yourself from all of the painful baggage that has been attached to the word.
I much prefer Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. But why not both :)
I bought a ton, and I keep going back to the Mayo Clinic book. While it has the mostly same information, I found that The Mother of All Pregnancy Books was a little less well organized.
I thought I wouldn't like it because it was un-cited fluff, but I was pleasantly surprised by the candor of the Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. Having the two types of books back-to-back felt reassuring.
Finally, I just bought Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and I'm really liking her approach. The first section is all natural birth stories (to counteract some of the horror stories that may be more salient in our minds) and the second section is all about the physical process of labor with her (surprisingly well-researched) tips and philosophies on how natural labor actually works. If you're low-risk and have the attitude that childbirth is a natural function (which needs obstetrical care only in extreme or unusual cases), this book is an amazing guide to labor.
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
This book was hugely helpful to me (as a husband/expectant father). It helped me to understand pregnancy and childbirth as natural, positive processes, rather than as a terrifying unknown filled with emergency rooms and Machines That Go Bing!
It's also really easy to read. Informative, but not academic or preachy.
(Since then, she's added Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding. I haven't read this one but if it's anywhere near the caliber of the other, it will be excellent.)
You're in for a wild and wonderful ride. Enjoy!
I wanted to echo what jrjunior said....I would first look for any midwife practices that have hospital privileges. I am planning on birthing at a birth center, but in case anything happens where I need to be transferred to the hospital, my midwife is still "in charge" of the birth at the hospital (unless I needed a c-section).
Also, great idea to get a doula...they are your advocate to make sure your wishes are met as much as possible given the circumstances.
One last thing- it sounds like you have already done some research, but I cannot recommend Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth more...especially to someone already invested in exploring natural childbirth. It changed my life!
I was petrified too, but hiring a doula and reading positive birth stories really changed my attitude. The birth of your son can really be one of the best experiences of your life! It was by far the most amazing experience for me. I suggest reading Ina May’s Book. The first part of the book has tons of natural birth stories. I didn’t have nor want an unmedicated birth, but I found this super encouraging. It’s ok to be anxious and nervous, but fear and adrenaline are not your friend during birth.
The way that birth is portrayed in our society can be frightening. We're inundated by images and horror stories from a young age. However, birth can also be a beautiful and positive experience. I had no morning sickness and no pregnancy complications at all. My son was born after a brief labor in a warm, relaxing birthing tub. I used a Certified Nurse Midwife instead of an OB. We had no complications and I went home six hours after the birth and slept in my own bed.
A vaginal birth is safer for you and baby and a much faster recovery time. It is very rare for a woman to have issues because of her size unless there are other medical issues at play - such as gestational diabetes. Women at my local birth center routinely have 10lb+ babies vaginally with no issues or interventions. There are a few great resources out there that portray birth in a different light. [Ina May's Guide To Childbirth] (http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156) would be a good starting point.
I highly recommend reading Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth.
I found it very useful it giving a wide range of birth stories and going into depth in various topics that neither gloss over the risks, nor leave the reader needlessly fearful. (For what it's worth, the book also talks about things like shoulder dystocia which this lady talks about in the article about how much she hated her home birth--the book explains what it is, positions you can get into to alleviate the problem, and the associated risks.)
I think the best we can do is to get as much information as we can, make the decision based on our knowledge, and then trust our decision when we feel swayed by emotions like fear.
I also think it's important to be flexible and not go into it with too many expectations on what the experience is going to be. That way if you need to do a transfer, it's Plan B, not a "failure".
And now for my biased opinion: I think that hospitals and doctors are trained extremely well to take care of maladies. I don't view my birth as a malady, so until it becomes one, I don't want to be "treated" for it. Watching The Business of Being Born (on Netflix) really goes into depth on the culture and practices of birth in the United States, and how it compares to other countries, and although some might say it's biased toward home birth, I think it's worth watching to know some of the pitfalls of relying on hospitals as your only source of information, even if you do decide to go that route.
Good luck on your decision making and I hope you have a wonderful birth!!
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth has lots of good information on different options and beautiful birth stories.
The Birth Partner has a lot of really good information and comfort measures you can use during labour.
Dr. Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding I wish this man could be cloned. There is a DVD too, but you can find all the same videos on his website. His website was a huge factor in me breastfeeding my first, because I was able to determine when I was getting bad information...and I got a lot of it.
Another vote for both of the Emily Oster books, and the best practical book I've read is Heading Home with Your Newborn. Also this one's not a pregnancy book but I would strongly recommend How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen if you're at all scared of the toddler through kinder stage. It's an entertaining read that aligns well with developmental psychology and has all these really funny real life examples of using the strategies from the book.
If I had to only pick a handful, I'd pick those.
I also liked the Ina May book which people will recommend a lot, but keep in mind it really is exclusively about childbirth and it's a bit crunchier than the average (though this pertains to the birth stories included more than Ina May's actual writing IMO). There's a good interview with her on the Longest Shortest Time podcast that addresses some of the things I felt the book could have benefited from stating outright to avoid sounding a little preachy at times.
If you're looking for like a detailed read that starts with absolute basics that would be especially good for anyone who hasn't researched much on pregnancy before, I would recommend Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn: The Complete Guide. It's as thick as a textbook but it doesn't read like one. They have a page in most sections directly speaking to partners as well, which is neat.
I agree with marriage counselling. I'd suggest an approach that lines up with John Gottman's work - read 7 Principles. For yourself I'd also recommend MMSL or the website, http://marriedmansexlife.com/ .
I've had my share of issues as well so I hope this stuff that I've found on my journey helps.
Remind myself:
Lastly, for relationship, check out John Gottman's work on The Four Horseman, Repair Attempts, Soft Startup. It's good stuff for dealing with conflict peacefully in relationship. His book 7 Principles of Making Marriage work I found to be an invaluable resource for all relationships, including friendships, sibling, colleagues, and romantic relationships. Most of the principles (eg, repair attempts and soft startup) are universal. Here's a good summary
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman (aka the love doctor). We just booked our photographer for the engagement/wedding photos and they sent us this book as a gift! This book has some fun questionnaires to go through together as a couple.
FH and I (we've been together nearly 8 years now) had a relationship meltdown last year because of our 2-week overseas trip that led to short-term couples counseling. After 4 sessions, we figured out what went wrong (ie. different expectations and lack of communication... of course it was communication) and have a better understanding of each other. We're considering those sessions as our pre-marital counseling. :)
John and Julie Gottman have written several books on the topic.
From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
On the other side of the coin, Gottman talks about The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which he says are predictors for divorce:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work was a great read. I didn't need all the "I can predict divorce with astounding accuracy!" claims - the book itself was great. It has really concrete examples of good and bad male/female behavior, how to recognize it, and now to break out of the cycle. It also very accurately discussed how there are just long term, unresolveable conflicts in any marriage. No two personalities will completely match, so you need to learn to treat the friction with respect and patience.
Another super interesting book about emotional intelligence is Emotional Intelligence: and Why it can Matter More than IQ. I read this and suddenly the whole "but I'm being logical and you're just being emotional" accusation really took on a new meaning for me. The "logical" person probably has a low emotional intelligence and is probably the person who actually doesn't understand what the fight is about. I really recommend you read this one too. It will help broaden anyone's understanding of what it means to be a high functioning human being.
I would read Sue Johnson's book first: https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/031611300X/ref=pd_cp_14_2/138-8589847-3436922?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=031611300X&pd_rd_r=2f4ed5bd-840c-4bbb-adc6-652388f56e6f&pd_rd_w=4HmQ0&pd_rd_wg=DQa4X&pf_rd_p=0e5324e1-c848-4872-bbd5-5be6baedf80e&pf_rd_r=VG2QRAS06FAFVBRR5Z3M&psc=1&refRID=VG2QRAS06FAFVBRR5Z3M
Then Gottman: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797,
Then Gottman: https://www.amazon.com/What-Makes-Love-Last-Betrayal-ebook/dp/B0061Q640C.
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There is a huge gap in Gottman's teaching about how to avoid flooding and to attune to your partner that Johnson covers in great depth. When I read Hold Me Tight a bunch of the stuff in the Gottman books clicked for me.
Being an introvert doesn't mean it's a static thing - just because you're okay being around one person doesn't mean you still don't need time for yourself.
This book is pretty good in explaining a lot of what being an introvert is, and working through it in relationships with other people. Both of your should read it.
Sadly, there are many self-centered people in all cultures who are quick to judge you based on the first five seconds of interaction. I'm having a similar issue at work, despite the fact that I work with librarians! The Introvert Advantage have a few chapters that deal specifically with workplace interactions. I also like Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking.
Have you tried volunteering to organize extracurricular functions (e.g. parties, post-work happy hours, etc.)? Or joining an office pool/team?
I really liked "The Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.D. It spends a lot of time talking about the differences between extroverts and introverts (not shyness) and how deal with extroverted environments. I'm sure if you use Google you could even find .pdf's of it floating around out there.
First, it just sounds like you had shitty friends.
I am an introvert. I only have a close association with my ciswife, kids, and two work colleagues. I don't mind other people, but I do not depend on them, nor do I expect anything from them. HRT has not made me any more outgoing, more extroverted, but it has helped me be more emotionally honest with myself and others.
Needing alone time is a classic part of being introverted. Socializing drains us, and we need time to recharge.
https://www.meghantelpner.com/blog/being-an-introvert-in-an-extrovert-world/
https://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert-World/dp/0761123695
I recommend reading The Introvert Advantage which does a great job of breaking this down.
However, the TL;DR version is that introverts' neuropathways are differently laid out, making us more susceptible to over-stimulation, whereas extroverts get "hap-hits" (dopamine injection) from social situations. Our pleasure centers get off on quieter activities, or more intimate socializing, with the price of over-stimulation and exhaustion in more frenetic situations.
Therefore, after an over-stimulating exercise, we need time to recover, just like after studying for finals for a week, you need time to chill, party, play video games, whatever. Your brain just gets exhausted.
This might be the case for Introversion. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an Introvert. Just because you don't like socializing with large groups of people, doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you. I'm an Introvert myself, and large, social situations overwhelm types of people like myself. We require smaller social environments to function 'normally' as some people might put it. For inevitable large gatherings, Intros can benefit from even five to ten minutes of solitude before returning to the chatty horde (bathroom breaks, getting food, having a solitary smoke, etc.). Honestly, I wish I could tell some of those people who encourage me to 'Socialize' more to suck a rail road spike. I know they're trying to help, but unless they understand Intros then they are just talking bull. If you feel comfortable with solitude (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH BEING A RECLUSIVE SOCIAL OUTCAST) or small groups of people then so be it. Don't let others influence you to be a part of something you feel too uncomfortable with. I recommend a book I read once called: The Introvert advantage. It explains how to understand and utilize introversion to your advantage should you need it. As Stephen Marley sings in his song: Can't keep I down, 'The deepest rivers never make a sound'. Don't be afraid to be silent. Sometimes we just like to listen more than talk.
Edit 1: So here's a link for the book if anyone's interested. I'm posting this to help, not for any kind of profit gain:http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0761123695
Well, I think that I've always known, even if I didn't know the name for it. The biggest change to my attitude about it came when I read the book The Introvert Advantage: How To Thrive In An Extrovert World which I recommend to all introverts. I think that I read it shortly after it came out, so I must have been in my low-30s at that point.
What it explained, and what I finally took to heart is:
If there's really interest in other things I've learned, I'd be happy to start a thread. I just can't right now.
read this first:
https://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802
Strawberry flavor does not transfer well to mead without large amounts. As others have said, you will want to rack once the strawberries are white. Generally, for a weak flavor like strawberries, the fruit is added closer to bottling so that you don't lose the flavor to time.
I'd suggest picking up this book. It's a quick and easy read.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning/dp/0937381802/ref=cm_lmf_img_3
If your looking to get into mead Definately look into reading Ken Schramms The Complete mead maker http://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1318922141&amp;sr=8-1
the standard ratio for a medium mead is 3 pounds per gallon. A quart is about 6 pounds. In honey your looking for as little processing as possible eg dark is better. Be carefull about varietals as some can get pretty dark flavored eg buckwheat. Clover or orange blossom are good starts.
It's approximately 2-3 pounds of honey to a gallon of water, or a 5 gallon batch is 10-15. For a 5 gallon batch, the rule of thumb I heard is every pound of honey adds approximately 1% ABV. Example: a one gallon batch with 2 lbs honey is equivalent to a 5 gallon batch with 10 lbs of honey, or a mead at 10%. But this doesn't account for if you want it to be sweet.
Also: 1 gallon of honey weighs approximately 12 pounds. So a 5 gallon batch of mead using 12 pounds of honey comes out to 1 gallon of honey and 4 gallons of water.
Every time your honey gets processed (Def'n processed: heated above 160'F), you lose the honey flavor. It's up to you to decide your final priorities, but to be perfectly frank, I'm cheap and use cheap, over processed honey. I make up for this by picking tasty recipes (JAO, or Orange vanilla cinnamon metheglin which is easily my favorite so far.) The honey I use is Sue Bee, 6 lbs for ~$11 at Save Mart ($1.83 /lb, the cheapest I've seen.)
The flavor of the honey to use depends a lot on the recipe. Some call for a specific honey.
There are a lot of people on here (/r/homebrewing) that insist that sanitizing your honey/water by boiling them is unnecessary. If/when I'm in a hurry (a bad idea), the most I do is sanitize whatever ingredients are going in. Quick trick that I've been meaning to try is to soak whatever it is in as little vodka as possible.
If you happen to live in the Bay Area, there's this excellent honey they sell at Save-Mart (might be sold elsewhere in the country, I've never been able to figure that out.) The honey is something like "Raw mountain" something. I don't have any handy. It comes in a 5 pound can, with a large yellow sticker across the front. Usually about $15, but I've seen it on sale for $12.
Yeast: Depends on what you want, really. Champagne yeast will go up to 18%, some say 20 if you push it. If you want it sweet, you'll either need a weaker yeast or some way to kill the yeast. I've only ever used champagne yeast (EC-1118, will eat anything), but then, I don't have a very delicate touch.
This book is definitely recommended.
And really, come see us in /r/mead. It's a lonely subreddit. The last post was 4 days ago. And feel free to ask questions.
One thing I've learned about mead: there are a few dozen categories of mead. Almost every culture has invented their own. Just figure out what you like. And experiment. Experimentation is the best, especially when you end up with some mead.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning/dp/0937381802
Start there if you look to make future batches. Also, I wouldn't have used distilled water. Spring water is better. Yeast needs vitamins and minerals. I would also use better yeast in the future. Lalvin D47 is a good mead yeast. I'd replace your baloon with an airlock. They are really cheap. http://www.amazon.com/Piece-Plastic-Airlock-Sold-sets/dp/B000E60G2W
I'd keep what you have out of direct sunlight (so in a closet or throw a blanket over it) and I'd keep it at 70 degrees F.
They showed it during the 5 gallon mead video.
https://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802
I've read a number of books about mead. This one is so far the best.
I made this exact recipe back in October 2010. Eventually I took a bit out and bottled it with various spices. I now have only a few precious ounces left, but it is more delicious than I can possibly describe.
Mead is quite forgiving and not (often) prone to infection. It just needs lots of patience. Even a crappy mead made through a simple method (ala this recipe) can produce amazing results given time.
I can only imagine what properly prepared batches will taste like as mine are all aging far in the back of a cupboard and I'm trying to forget they're there.
If you're interested in learning about mead making in greater depth, there's always The Compleat Meadmaker and don't forget the fine folks over at r/mead.
A common resource referenced here is More Than Two. There's a list of FAQs and articles on there that have helped me tremendously. They also have a book that I've heard high praise for (that I have not read).
With that being said, polyamory is a diverse practice. Everyone's got their own thing and there's no real set guide. The biggest thing with poly is communication. Focus on being able to express how you are feeling with others in a constructive way. I cannot stress how important communication is. Encourage your partners to be open with you. Learn to listen without assigning judgment to what you hear. If someone's feeling something it's not exactly a reflection of who you are but a manifestation of who they are. That doesn't mean don't be considerate of others but rather don't let yourself go to extremes if someone says something you've done has upset them. Accept and own your mistakes when you make them.
There will be unexpected emotions that arise. That's okay, the emotions are yours and feel them out as needed. Try not to dwell on them. Most of all is to not shut yourself out from others when dealing with them. If you need alone time to process things, let your partners know you need some time and why.
TL;DR: Talk to your partners. Don't keep things that need to be discussed inside. If you don't communicate, nothing changes.
Have you been doing any reading? Sometimes reading some more perspectives and guides can really help you deal with your own feelings and look at why you feel the way you do.
Some of the most-recommended books I've seen are:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1279641267&amp;sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-practical-polyamory/dp/0991399706
http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;s=books&amp;qid=1279722189&amp;sr=8-1
If you just want someone to tell you who is right in your situation with your partner, nobody here is going to be able to help. Different people take different lengths of time to adjust to things, and different relationships need to progress at different speeds. Don't be too hard on yourself (or her) and make sure you keep communication open. :)
Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.
Relationships change. All of them. Being able to accept that and go with the flow of life is much easier than trying to keep things the same. In my experience, the best antidote to fear and jealousy is self esteem and confidence. Whether a partner no longer wants what I have to offer or is temporarily in the throes of NRE, I have to focus on what I enjoy doing. It's not easy sometimes but accepting and trusting my partners' choices is very important. Reading More than Two helped me a lot with these issues of personal agency.
If your entire conception of poly is having two women in a closed relationship... then no, you're probably not poly. Or at the very least you haven't really given polyamory enough thought to draw a real conclusion.
See: So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter and maybe give More Than Two a read, and then reassess if it's something you want to pursue.
As an add-on to the above, BUY THIS BOOK: Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Foward
It will shed an enormous amount of light onto what you've been experiencing. You have no obligation to this woman and she is manipulating you into feeling an incapacitating amount of guilt regarding a situation you handled like a mature adult.
I was in a similar situation (just exited it, actually). Broke up with a woman I'd been seeing for a couple years, yet didn't completely sever contact because she didn't feel it was right. That was a HUGE mistake. She spent the better part of a month just unloading guilt and sadness onto me, to the point in which it began to consume my being. Believe me, it's worse when you were in an actual romantic relationship with the person, they have a lot more ammo.
You owe this person nothing. You can choose to go no contact, and this is what YOU MUST DO if you value your sanity. It seriously is the only option. I learned this the hard way after disconnecting and reconnecting half a dozen times.
Please feel free to message me if you have any questions. Heck, I'd even send you my copy of the book if you want.
Oh dear. Before you wander too far down this linear road, please read "Sex at Dawn, the prehistoric origins of modern sexuality" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. I think the title was chosen by the publishing house to sell books, because the real premise dismantles the notion that human beings are selfish and prone to conflict, when actually all evidence predating agriculture points to the opposite. It's a MUST READ for any educated 21st century human being.
here's the amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805
and if you do nothing else, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReQ4iuTNYtA
Read Sex At Dawn Prehistoric Origins of Human Sexuality
Great book that challenges many theories about this.
Here are two books you might be interested in.
Sex at Dawn
The Ethical Slut
Sex at Dawn! More about sexuality and evolutionary biology (is that a thing?) but way relevant.
Read Sex at Dawn. Have your girlfriend read Sex at Dawn.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1290967913&amp;sr=8-1
Then have an open, honest conversation. And seek a sex-positive couples therapist. You will both need it. These are serious changes.
Sex at Dawn (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Prehistoric-Origins-Sexuality/dp/0061707805) is about this - the author makes a pretty clear case that monogamy came to exist with the beginning of agriculture (i.e. the beginning of personal ownership of land / other stuff) since this was the time when inheritance made paternity much more important
Pre-agriculture, since women would have sex with several different men and it wasn't 100% clear who was the biological father (remember, people were pretty primitive and cause-and-effect isn't immediate with pregnancy), several men would end up believing they "have a stake" in the child's future and would help take care of it.
Check out the book Crucial conversations.
You seem like a detail oriented intelligent reader, I think you could get a ton out of this book, but keep in mind the hard part is applying it.
Yep, sounds good. I read a number of books on the topic of negotiation and interpersonal communication. The main books which standout are Never Split the Difference and Crucial Conversations.
All these books have gems of information, at their core - they are really getting at two principles:
Outcome and purpose seem like the same thing, but they are actually different. The tools you mentioned seem to embody these principles.
As far as how they would work in an online community - who knows. It could strengthen dialogue, or it could seem over-bearing. It would be an interesting experiment to try to enforce these communication styles.
I already suggested this book once today, but try this; www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626251703 . Maybe especially pay attention to the chapters on the healing fantasy.
The upshot is that it doesn't matter why they dump emotional abuse on you. You're not in charge of their actions or feelings. If your mom is borderline or bipolar or narcissistic or cPTSD or just has FLEAS or... it doesn't matter. If she abused you, you've got to deal with the abuse by recognizing your feelings and deciding what to do about your actions. Find healthy boundaries, put them in place. You might miss your mom, but it's the abuse talking when you think you can't be happy and fulfilled without her.
The only difference the source of your trauma makes is whether you want to deal with it, knowing how pervasive it is or isn't and what she's likely to continue to do in the future.
The Socratic Method has been a big part of what I do, I try to never say "you are wrong because X", But I will say something like:
"You say God is loving, but how do you account for this verse?..."
and when they respond I bring up another question.
Also, there is really good book called Nonviolent Communication. Actually I read it recently for the first time, and I already use almost all of the techniques and stuff in it, but its a VERY good book, especially if someone hasn't read a lot of that subject already.
The reason I brought it up is to mention that when I think someone is clearly wrong, I don't make a blanket statement "You ARE wrong" I state it as an opinion I have:
"From my perspective, you just seem flat out wrong because of X Y and Z, can you explain to me how you are right?"
In the Nonvoiolent Comm. book they mention saying YOU to someone can make someone feel defensive, like instead of saying "Did YOU drink my last beer?" you can say "do you know who drank the beer I had in the fridge?" ... Unless you WANT to be confrontational, heh, which has its place.
Pete, setup informational interviews at organizations near you, professional and college. This is a form of networking that will help you learn who holds positions who will give you 10-30 minutes of their time to learn about duties and skills in different roles at different ballclubs.
You have to ask, ask, ask, but you will learn of many ways you know someone who works at these clubs. Use your networks to find connections that are 1,2,3 levels deep. You will find its likely that over time you'll only have to go 1 or 2 levels of connection. Ask the athletic departments at your university. A lot of clubs have spring training in AZ, so you're likely in a good spot to find connections. Here is an example of what you could ask:
> I'm so_and_soap, a senior here at NAU. I'm interested in working with MLB and am wondering if there are some staff here who can help me setup informational interviews at the Diamondbacks, MLB?
There are three goals (or however many you make up) for informational interviews.
Patience
You might find something at your ballclub within your search timeframe quickly. Most likely, though, you will need to include more companies in your search. Whatever the job, focus on developing those skills you think ae most important to land you at MLB or other targetted companies.
Networking ideas:
Linkedin, parents, university alumni, directories, friends, friends' parents, guest lecturers, professors, bosses
Say Yes
In your replies to comments you have said 3 times that you don't know something or don't have requisite skill for something. That is not productive nor useful to your efforts. Instead think of a question that might get that piece of information answered.
Resources
Highly Effective Networking by Orville Pierson
Use your head to get your foot in the door by Harvey Mackay
Nonviolent Communication
Spin Selling
Does he admit this is a problem? Are you both willing to work through your issues?
I would suggest you both read a book about conflict resolution inside a relationship. Maybe something like Non-Violent Communication. It gets a lot easier when you have this framework to give you a common language, techniques and set of goals to work towards. But it only works if both of you are willing to work hard at it, step outside your comfort zones, and show some vulnerability.
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
I really recommend the above book if you are thinking about how to communicate directly and clearly, it really helped me.
I'm not able to answer most of your questions, but I would suggest a few things:
Yes, you can push them to a drop box or other cloud storage.
But I have to ask, what do you hope to achieve by such a thing? Do you intend to embarrass her in front of her friends or family? What will YOU get from "proof" that she is abusive? (BTW since you are married you own everything together, and technically she cannot "steal" from you. )
I was married to a narcissist for many years. I went through therapy after catching her planning a vacation with another guy. Of course she blamed me. After a few weeks I realized I was a nice guy and she was a controlling bitch. I came home and told her I wasn't doing yard work anymore (I always hated it) and she should go hire someone. She hired an attorney and filed for divorce because she could no longer control me. Good riddance.
I don't know your situation, but here are some great resources my therapist gave me:
Non-Violent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg, a great book describing exactly how to deal with abusive language and how not to be abusive when you communicate to others. (there are also you tube videos on the subject). Changed my relationships with everyone
How To Recognize a Narcissist, A wonderful write up on narcissists (in case she is one)
Constructive Living by David Reynolds A great combination of Eastern therapies that help you live positively and with purpose without letting things overwhelm you.
Really, work on yourself a little before proving to everyone else that she is a pain. Everybody probably realizes that anyway. If you play it back to her she will only get angry and if you play your recordings to her friends or family you will will look like a jerk.
Hang in there.
I was actually suggesting couples therapy.
It might be a bit of a stretch but you and your wife might benefit from reading "Nonviolent Communication" https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
Its not perfect but there are some fantastic lessons in there. Rather than suggesting she read it to fix her problems I suggest reading it together. Maybe you could pitch it as "Hey I see that we have had some painful interactions lately. Would you be willing to work on this with me in the hope of making things better for both of us?" Your wife is suffering, all angry people are. Reading this might help her better express how she feels.
They aren't textbooks, but they do have information to learn in them.
Here are a couple of things on my reading list:
Why People Die By Suicide by Thomas Joiner
How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg
Start with: How to Change Your Mind (start with this detailed annotated summary). The pop culture starting point these days. The summary is all you need to read to understand the entire book but the book is well worth the time.
After that you'll have more ideas where to do. Below is a lot of stuff. I've watched/read all of them, so happy to answer any questions/give more guidance.
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Study the "classics" by taking a look at these (skim the long ones to start):
Seeking the Magic Mushroom (first western trip report on mushrooms)
My 12 Hours As A Madman (another historically important trip report)
The Psychedelic Experience: A Manual Based On The TIbetan Book of the Dead (classic book on guided trips)
LSD My Problem Child by Albert Hoffman
Al Hubbard: The Original Captian Trips
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Docs to Watch:
The Sunshine Makers (documentary)
Orange Sunshine (documentary)
Aya: Awakenings (documentary)
Dirty Pictures (documentary)
A New Understanding: The Science of Psilocybin (documentary)
Hoffmans Potion (documentary): r/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFfblVjCwOU"
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And a whole lot of others:
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Books
The Psychedelic Explorer’s Guide – James Fadiman
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction – Gabor Mate
Storming Heaven: LSD and the American Dream – Jay Stevens
Psychedelic Psychiatry: LSD from clinic to campus – Erika Dyck
The Natural Mind: A Revolutionary Approach to the Drug Problem – Andrew Weil
Acid Hype: American News Media and the Psychedelic Experience – Stephen Siff
Acid Dreams: The complete social history of LSD – Martin A. Lee and Bruce Shlain
Drugs: Without the Hot Air – David Nutt
A Really Good Day: How Microdosing Made a Mega Difference in My Mood, My Marriage, and My Life – Ayelet Waldman
Neuropsychedelia: The Revival of Hallucinogen Research Since the Decade of the Brain – Nicolas Langlitz
The Harvard Psychedelic Club: How Timothy Leary, Ram Dass, Huston Smith, and Andrew Weil Killed the Fifties and Ushered in a New Age for America – Don Lattin
Videos
Terence McKenna discusses the stoned ape theory
A Conversation on LSD – In a video from the late 1970s, Al Hubbard, Timothy Leary, Humphry Osmond, Sidney Cohen and others reflect on LSD’s heyday
Alison Gopnik and Robin Carhart-Harris at the 2016 Science of Consciousness Conference
The Future of Psychedelic Psychiatry – a discussion between Thomas Insel and Paul Summergrad
Documents, Articles & Artifacts
Al Hubbard’s FBI file
Remembrances of LSD Therapy Past – Betty Grover Eisner’s unpublished memoir about her role in developing psychedelic therapy
LSD, Insight or Insanity – Transcript of excerpts from hearings of the Subcommittee
on the Executive Reorganization of the Senate Committee on Government Operations [concerning federal research and regulation of LSD-25] May 24, 1966
The Brutal Mirror: What an ayahuasca retreat showed me about my life —A Vox writer’s first-person account
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Forums
Ayahuasca.com: Includes experience reports, discussion of spirituality, ecology, healing, and recovery by means of the vine are collected here. A place to learn from members of ayahuasca churches, as well as a few foreign language channels.
Bluelight: A 20 year old online harm reduction forum that fosters open and factual discussion of drugs and provides support for those seeking recovery from addiction.
DMT Nexus: A hub for underground psychedelic research on botanical sources of tryptamines and other psychedelic compounds.
5Hive: A newer forum devoted specifically to 5-MeO-DMT — synthetic, botanical or toad-derived.
Mycotopia: All things mycological — discussions of edible, wild, and psychoactive fungi.
The Shroomery: A forum devoted to cultivating psilocybin-containing mushrooms and sharing trip reports.
TRIPSIT: A 24/7 online harm reduction resource. Users can chat instantly with someone about their drug experience, or questions they may have about about the safe(r) use of a wide variety of controlled substances.
Let's see:
For a wealth of data but a perspective of addiction which actually disagrees with what I say (though they are selective in their interpretation) there's this:
http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674057272
The standard primer on neurobiology of addiction is this:
https://www.amazon.com/Neurobiology-Addiction-George-F-Koob/dp/0124192394/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498869508&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=drugs+koob
For a biopsychosocial perspective, there's this:
https://www.amazon.com/Drugs-Society-Human-Behavior-Carl/dp/0073529745/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498869548&amp;sr=8-4&amp;keywords=drugs+and+society
By the same author but for a popular audience is this:
https://www.amazon.com/High-Price-Neuroscientists-Self-Discovery-Challenges/dp/0062015893/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498869576&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=carl+hart
Another popular, critical book:
https://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498869570&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=in+the+realm+of+hungry+ghosts
Another popular take:
https://www.amazon.com/Chasing-Scream-First-Last-Drugs/dp/1620408902
For the history of junkies in the us:
https://www.amazon.com/Creating-American-Junkie-Addiction-Research/dp/0801883830/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498869591&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=creating+the+american+junkie
A global one:
https://www.amazon.com/Pursuit-Oblivion-Global-History-Narcotics/dp/0393051897/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498869828&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=in+pursuit+of+oblivion
Primer on Harm Reduction:
https://www.amazon.com/Harm-Reduction-Second-Pragmatic-Strategies/dp/1462502563/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498869612&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=harm+reduction
Primer on drugs and drug policy, quite neutral:
https://www.amazon.com/Drugs-Drug-Policy-Everyone-Needs-ebook/dp/B0054ID9UG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498869623&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=drugs+kleiman
A book on the legalization of drugs:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0765701510/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
Another, economic take, on legalization:
https://www.amazon.com/Drug-War-Crimes-Consequences-Prohibition/dp/0945999909
Sociology of drugs in the US:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0199935904/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
Psychopharmacology primer intro:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0878935347/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
A criticism of the concept of addiction:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0814747647/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
Some more esoteric but interesting stuff on epigenetics, neuroscience etc:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0849373913/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
A great book on the anthropology of drugs (this author also writes a lot of smaller papers too):
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6614135-righteous-dopefiend
Here are some things I think may help:
https://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1521224469&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=gabor+mate+in+the+realm+of+hungry+ghosts
https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/0615482155/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1521224489&amp;sr=1-2&amp;keywords=allen+carr+easy+way+to+quit+smoking
Good luck! You'll find a way!
Give "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Dr. Gabor Mate a read. It may teach you a lot about addiction that can assist you with your reactions to him, and also help you understand what effect being raised by an addict (even one parent) can have on the baby's developing brain. Increasing the baby's risk for addiction. Encourage him to read it to, but recognize you can't make him.
Consider Al Anon for families of alcoholics and addicts, and at a minimum read some of their material.
You neither want to enable nor to assume that you can nag him out of addiction. He may have told you he would be different because he very much wants/wanted to be, but the brain channels that entrench addiction are very, very, very powerful.
This clip may be helpful. The documentary is very good. The person in this clip, Gabor Mate, also has an excellent book you might be interested. Fair warning it has Louis CK in the first part of the video.
A must-read for any directed and responsible Man:
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
Other people here may think this is silly, but I don't.
I totally understand, as I have at one point in my life derived exactly that from sleeping around (never when I was in a relationship tho). It does make a big difference in this area.
There are, however, other ways to obtain self-confidence and self-esteem. This may also sound silly to a lot of people, but one of the things I did was buy a motorcycle, and let me tell you, there's very few things that make me feel like so much of a man as zipping past heavy traffic in the commuter lane, or splitting lanes, reducing my commute time by 50%. Sex does the same thing, especially when I'm being dominant. My current girlfriend likes and encourages me to be dominant in the bedroom, and let me tell you... nothing like finishing inside her (she's on the pill) after I've called all the shots, told her that she's my woman, and done everything I've wanted to do to her. It's extremely validating when, in the moments after, she cuddles up next to me, looking flushed and satisfied, and confident in me as a man. It is possible to obtain part (but not all) of your self-esteem and confidence from one woman alone--you just need to be able to express yourself fully and have her absolutely love it the way my girlfriend does.
Anyhow, it sounds to me like in your current relationship you might not feel comfortable expressing your yourself/your manliness, or may be you're just not comfortable with it at all, even outside of a relationship. It's possible that your girlfriend has issues with expression of yourself/manliness and so you are conditioned away from expressing it. Been there in a previous relationship so I know this can seriously effect your self-esteem and confidence. Talk to her about it--most women "secretly" (or not so secretly) want a partner who's manly and dominant in the bedroom and usually out of the bedroom too.
To save your relationship, you need to find a way to express your manliness in a non-sexual way--whatever way works best for you, be it a motorcycle, sports, power tools, martial arts, or whatever creative and unique way you come up with on your own.
I'd also recommend seeing if you can try being a bit more dominant in the bedroom too, or at least expressing yourself fully and passionately. Once you get comfortable with it, chances are she'll enjoy it too. I'm lucky to have a girlfriend that openly wants me to be dominant in the bedroom--she makes it clear that she wants it so I don't have to worry about offending her. (A lot of women these days..)
Finally you need to determine what being a man means to you... There are two books I'd recommend: Way of the Superior Man (a great book with a stupid title) and Real Men Don't Apologize. The former is somewhat spiritual in nature, the latter appeals to a wider audience. Get the audio books if you need to--I did. Some people may think these books are full of misogyny, but in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. They are more about finding your identity as a man, and part of that, both books emphasize, is respect for women and the light they can bring to our lives.
Addendum: I also wanted to clarify: you cannot get all of your confidence and self-esteem from sleeping with a lot of women. Do this too much and it'll become addictive and ultimately lead to a loss of confidence and self-esteem. (Been there, done that!) You need multiple sources of confidence and self-esteem, sex and feeling desired by other people can only be one of the ways you obtain these things. Otherwise, the pursuit is ultimately fruitless and empty. It seems great at first, but after a while, you'll end up hating yourself far more than you would have otherwise.
This is all advice from a 36 year old male who's never been married and has slept with a lot of women. Trust me, it's not all its cracked up to be.
Look for a lineage that speaks to your heart. Mastering the core teachings of the Buddha is the best direction for myself personally, which I found from this podcast which led me to this kind of wacky 3 part video, which inspired me to read the book. There is a free pdf of the book linked from the author's website. Time is probably better spent just going with something then flittering back and forth and always looking for a path but never walking one.
If you can manage to get yourself to a buddhist retreat do it. Practicing every moment every day for a week or so is incredible and I think inherently perspective/insight changing. I'd recommend studying what to do on retreats beforehand, so you are better able to practice effectively in every moment during the retreat, and better able to communicate questions to the teacher. Honestly, if you make a ten day retreat with some knowledge of what to do, and just keep on trucking through it to the end, you will probably reach insights & samadhi/jhana intensity which will make weed/alcohol appear essentially boring, and which will also really establish a pretty unshakeable Saddhā in the Dharma, with a strong sense that you know where you are going and how to get there (and a sense of how much it will actually take to get there.)
Put some dharma talks onto your phone/ipod. Listen when you drive/clean whenever seems appropriate. Joseph Goldstein is one of my favorite speakers to listen to. He's repetitive, but so are the original texts. Here is his kind of epic 46 part talk over 5 years on the Satipatthana Sutta.
I always use a timer for formal practice for myself, 20 minute sits etc., the fact that I may sincerely need to do something else timewise (eat, bathroom, pay bills) or be actually hurting myself from a certain posture for too long will require my attention otherwise.
Also, the world outside of practice is hard, especially when the heart is open. I've found The way of the Superior Man and especially some torrentable live discussions of the authors to be the most useful perspective I've come across for trying to deal with practical reality & relationships.
Metta my friend, may your path be easy and true.
Try these books:
http://www.amazon.com/New-Psycho-Cybernetics-Maxwell-Maltz/dp/0735202850/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1293190801&amp;sr=8-2 - This one teaches you that the way you act and what you are capable of is largely based on your self image.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1293190916&amp;sr=1-1 - This one helps you to understand a lot of stuff about your masculine nature, and how it relates to female nature, and how the two compliment each other. Ignore the spirituality based explanations though, the real explanations of male vs female nature is rooted in evolutionary biology.
The first book is pretty long. Just reading it won't do much. You have to go back over it after you've read it and do all of the mental exercises. I'm only starting to do that now, but I have heard other people have improved their inner game by doing this.
This book isn't about game or getting laid, but yet after reading it I had an epiphany: game isn't about women, it's about me. Game used to feel like me vs women, like I had to master them. Now I realise my only enemy in getting good at game is myself. It is myself, not women that I need to master. This is the same with many things in life: running is about the runner, not his opponents or the track. Weightlifting isn't about the weights or the other competitors, it's about the weightlifter himself.
He who masters himself will reach his full potential, and no one can do more than that.
My husband is less stressed after his 12hr work days after reading this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1334900113&amp;sr=8-1
You said "tell me anything" so I'd like to try to be helpful.
Btw, I am a guy, was cheated on multiple times by my first wife. Am happy with my 2nd wife now.
As I see it:
First, let me affirm that your sexual desire as a man is completely legitimate, right and proper you should never make excuses for it, nor apologize for it in any way.
Not every expression of this desire is right, however. In marrying your wife, she was entrusted as the sole partner for outlet of that desire. Marriage is not an excuse, imo, to not try to beguile or seduce or otherwise convince your wife to have sex (convince her in a way that she would like it, too)
I do think there were some other comments about re-igniting this desire and I think it's important to investigate that. Have you tried? Are you interested in trying, or is there some built-up frustration there? There comes a point when 'trying to re-ignite the spark' can and should become 'seeking counseling together'. If one or both of you are harboring pent up bad feelings, it might be there already, what do you think?
One book I loved on this subject is the ill-titled "Way of the Superior Man". It's a very simple, mostly palatable intuitive instruction guide for man about how to "be the man" towards women without being unethical. A lot of its instruction is about the counter-intuitive nature of attraction. It's the closest thing I've found to a seduction book without actually being a seduction book. I've even had several lesbian friends comment on how good its thinking is.
> My friend guilts him to stay
This is called emotional blackmail, it's a repulsive form of domestic abuse, and your friend and her husband need help ASAP.
In the meantime he needs to check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972
You are being abused, disrespected, and manipulated. Saying "sorry" doesn't make any of the things he has done to you okay AT ALL.
Two things:
TLDR: If things don't change, don't stay.
"Love is not enough for me- love is hurting- if it screams when you hold it."
I'm sorry this fact is being used against you :(
I'd recommend this book should you be so inclined
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060928972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_nPxszb4CMGSPZ
Books I recommend: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Emotional Blackmail.
As for finding a therapist, I would use your insurance provider's search and look up the offices and generally they should have a list of areas of expertise covered by their therapists. You want to look for descriptions like Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts, Codependency, Family Issues, and when he calls he can give a brief description like you mentioned in your post. They should be able to direct him to a counselor to set up a first appointment. Also, think of finding a therapist like finding a partner. The first person he meets might not be the best fit, and he doesn't have to keep going to them if he wants to find someone he feels more comfortable with.
Good luck to you both!
Yes! I recommend his book:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_oS7VBb66HX0XW
It really helps validate how you’ve been feeling all a long. And yes, it does give advice on how to finally heal from the abuse. It really changed my perspective of it all, hope it helps!
Regardless of the premise, regular exercise, adequate sleep and CBT can all help with self-confidence and mental health.
edit: I found this book helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C/
I believe that an INTJ mindset can be a tremendous liability when dealing with a depression because of our tendency to seek logical conclusions. Different mindsets like All-or-Nothing or focusing on a single negative aspect of a situation can quickly become an echo chamber for negative thoughts. The INTJ mind can easily run amok.
However, I also believe that our INTJ profile can use its disadvantage to its advantage because we gravitate towards systems. If we construct a personal mind-system that monitor our thoughts, the heavy cloak of depression can be lifted. Such mind-systems are discussed at lengths in the book, "Feeling Good by Dr. David D. Burns".
Dr. David D. Burns builds his practice upon the stoic philosophy which concludes that it is our thoughts that make the base for our feelings. So to know your thoughts is to govern your feelings and thus your depression.
A quick overview.
Feeling Good by Dr. David D. Burns
I've never read it but I've heard good things about this [book](
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=zg_bs_2560_4?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=T2PR323JDHVBNJ3YP0GF)
Just be cool. Whoever this girl--or anyone you ever know--wants to introduce to you, just say hi and talk to them. A great book for you to read maybe is How to Win Friends and Influence People. Contains very basic info/suggestions about how to treat people like they matter. It's no great mystery. Just takes practice. And comfort with yourself.
As an ESTP, man, you gotta practice that E. Kinda funny you'd be asking introverts about how to be an extrovert. :)
The very old/boring recommendation---but many people still swear by it: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1543055550&sr=8-1&keywords=carnegie Can probably get it for FREE/ $0.00 at your local library. Good luck friend!!!
talk to people. Listen to them. Hear why they think the way they do -- hear what they want. Then persuade them that what you want is what they want also.
I'm currently about 10% of the way through https://www.amazon.com/How-Heard-Powerful-Speaking-Listening/dp/1633536718 and it has exercises you can do to get better at being heard (it requires lots of listening)
Another great source of useful techniques is https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=
The big thing to remember is there are no short fixes, and nothing is easy (edit:nothing that's worth while atleast). It's easy to get angry and frustrated -- it's more effective to listen, be thoughtful, and win friends
You should be more specific about what you're hoping to learn. There are thousands of resources out there in regards to entrepreneurship, marketing, website development & eCommerce. You could find pretty much anything you want if you phrase it correctly.
Example Searches
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You can just keep going from there.
The basics of what you'll need, assuming you know nothing (which I doubt) would be this.
Everything else you just figure out along the way based on how you want to monetize your audience and quite honestly, no book is going to help you figure that out.
You'll learn a lot more just hanging out on Reddit and watching YouTube videos on the subject matter that's next on your checklist. Books are almost purely inspirational at this point and I think we can agree there are plenty of Podcasts that will help you find inspiration (and skill), such as The Top (Nathan Latka) or Mixergy
If you study hustlers you'll get all the information and inspiration you could ever hope for. Read or watch anything from Noah Kagan (AppSumo). No one does it better than him. Ryan Holiday (not an affiliate link) is another favorite of mine. There are also some older Tim Ferriss articles that really talk about how you approach certain businesses.
Like I said, man. It's all out there. You don't need to pay $1 for information, you just have to know what to look for and if you listen to a few podcasts or read a few beginner articles you'll figure out pretty quickly the steps you need to take next.
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Some Books I Like (no affiliate links)
Try Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Hey friend.
Maybe over the summer, hit some books over leadership. Band really is a great place to learn and apply leadership skills.
Some books I recommend:
Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink
How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie
I can't recommend Extreme Ownership enough, though. If you take extreme ownership of your section they'll respect you a million times more than they already do. When they respect you that much more, they're that much more likely to not put you in bad positions anymore.
Edit:
I've gotta add that it'd be good to listen to some podcasts and videos by leaders, too. Since I'm already talking about Jocko Willink, he has a TED talk, too. Here's a link.
>gaming groups...Anime...magic
Those hobbies are terrible for meeting/dating women.
How long have you been single? Are you just trying to fill a void?
Work on yourself, try out new hobbies: yoga, fitness, meetups.
Make some woman friends first, people you're not attracted to perse. Expand your social circle, be a fun guy.
Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Models. See this video on how to flirt.
There's a popular self-help book about it, apparently:
http://smile.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/
EDIT: Hurr durr I'm lightning fast at posting this.
Dude, something is seriously wrong, and it's your acceptance of being 2nd place in her life for so long. This is what you have direct control over. Somewhere earlier backbone would have solved some of these issues, or forced you apart.
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Here a couple book links:
I'm reading this book and find it helpful, maybe you might as well.
I didn't see it brought up yet in the sea of posts, but I wanted to bring up "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It's a self-help book based on being an authentic you instead of a "nice guy". It is definitely worth checking out and really helped me reevaluate myself.
Non-affiliate Amazon Kindle page:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1
Edit: removed incorrect web link
Assuming you're a man, No More Mr Nice Guy (Amazon Link) is quite good as well. It has a cheesy tag line but it caters to married men who feel they're doing everything they can to please their partners and nothing seems to be working and they're at their wits end. It's a good book for any guy to read though as much of the advice will apply in the future. It talks a lot about how being selfless is not the best move in a relationship and how this behaviour of trying to fix your marriage by being 'nice' essentially is actually dishonest and destructive to it. It talks a lot about 'nice guy' behaviour as well, even people that steer well clear of being one of those kind of guys will see a few areas where it creeps in, and it explains the whole psychology behind it.
The author is a marriage counsellor and talks about things by referencing counselling cases he has worked on.
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1501697487&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy <---You need to read this. I am about halfway through and it has been eye opening. Time to go monk mode...workout...read...meditate (all things I need to get better at doing as well).
Oh, no problem! I started with Rekindle his desire and then read No more Mr Nice Guy.
The one I'm reading :) Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David D. Burns M.D.. It takes initiative but the first part of the book resonated with me a lot. Check it out
If a therapist is out of reach, perhaps some second-hand therapy might help. In my first session with a therapist he recommended the book Feeling Good.
It is significantly cheaper than a therapist and if you take time to read and do some of the exercises in the book, in all likelihood you will start to feel better about yourself. It's not specifically about relationships (though they are covered), but about depression and anxiety. Chances are if you're feeling down about your relationships you may also be feeling down about other stuff in your life too.
I can’t say I’m 100% cured, but can I say that it does get better. If you keep working at it you will grow and get better at it.
I’ve written a post describing my advice that I’ve learned in my 10 years since my suicide attempt. Here’s a link to it.
As for self love, that’s a little different of road. I had a really bad “hate tape” playing in my mind for the majority of my life. A great place to start is the book Feeling Good by David Burns. The sparknotes version of this book is that we have thoughts that are designed to hurt our outlook (called cognitive distortions) and gives you good tools to identify and address these. I’m not a huge fan of self help books, but this is scientifically researched and written by one of the originators of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This combined with meditation is really potent stuff.
I believe in faking it until you make it. What I’ve realized is that what most people say about self-love is true and unhelpful. It feels inauthentic to say that we love ourselves if we truly don’t feel it. And it is precisely this thought process that kept me from truly loving myself. I force myself to say nice things to myself even when I feel like a crappy human being. Instead of self-deprecating, I over exaggerate my own ability and awesomeness. They end up being the same jokes just reversed (a cheeky “Oh I totally meant to do that” instead of a depressing “see how worthless I am”).
And I’ve found this to work. My brain is in the habit of self-love rather than self-loathing. If you do something enough it becomes your automatic response. Have you ever said ironically loved something so much (like a meme or a song) that you grow to genuinely love it? That’s how I developed a healthy relationship with myself.
What I’ve found is that loving yourself is simple and incredibly difficult at the same time. All those cliches about “just be your own best friend” and “go easy on yourself” are technically right, but ignore the amount of time, effort and failures that come on the way to that point. It’s kind of a 3 steps forward two steps back kind of thing.
Lastly there will be days when you just don’t feel it. This is when I reach out to people I love and care about for external validation. Again my brain wants to say “they are only saying that because you specifically asked for it”. And I say so what? Just because I asked my best friend to say nice things about me doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean it. We have a relationship built on trust; he would say tell me if something was wrong with me just as easy as what is right. The fact that he would do that for me speaks to how much he cares for me. I would do the same for him.
I can’t say that this is full proof or that it will even be relevant to your life (hell it doesn’t work for me all the time), but I hope there is some nugget of information that you can steal from this that might help you on your journey to self acceptance. Even if these aren’t the right answers for you, I can tell you that your answers are out there somewhere. Maybe they’re in you just waiting to be uncovered.
God bless:)
Brains are funny things and sometimes they need training, like any other part of the body. I would suggest either seeing a psychologist, or getting something like this: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009UW5X4C which starts with a way to somewhat self-diagnose depressive thinking and treat it on your own with cognitive behavioral therapy.
Psychology is interesting to learn about regardless, even if you don't think you're depressed.
Another interesting read: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man%27s_Search_for_Meaning
Something to read that will help you find answers or ideas to your questions.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0991399706/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1526441375&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=more+than+two&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51twfWzEPbL&amp;ref=plSrch
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0399579664/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1526441540&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=the+ethical+slut&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51HiTftUarL&amp;ref=plSrch
Was it "The Emotionally Absent Mother" or "Will I Ever Be Good Enough"?
Not sure of your gender, but for other RBN women I always recommend Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers -- it won't fix all the problems, but it's a great place to start even just to validate your feelings and experiences and how damaging they are. The Mother/Daughter dynamic has its unique aspects, and I imagine in general it's tough on kids whose narcissistic parent is the same gender because they're even more likely to want to treat you as an extension or reflection of themselves as opposed to a separate and autonomous person.
I've found a lot of support in this community so far, I hope you will too.
I recommend looking up Will I Ever Be Good Enough? and then working your way through the "customers who bought this item also bought" list lower on the page. I'm not sure what you deal with specifically, and it does vary even within this subreddit, but that "also bought" list has a lot of good stuff in it.
This book made so much sense to me! Really helped me set healthy boundaries and not have such an emotional response to the constant guilt tripping. The other books in my collection:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=nodl_
https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=nodl_
I frequently revisit these books when I’m struggling with things. Hang in there!
A book that really helped me is Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Dr. Karyl McBride. This book really breaks it down and gets to the bottom of a lot of our issues, then gives practical exercises you can do to work through them.
Thank you so much for this thread, u/pastelchi, and this reply, u/innermostenergon. I'm so sorry you've gone through all that, innermostenergon. :-(
> Don't you respect his integrity and his dignity when he says he loves you and wants you?
This is a really good point, and I think it's the same one that yellsatdumbasses was getting at, too. I never really put myself in his shoes and thought through what the consequence of the "But he doesn't really mean it when he says he loves me..." nonsense is, but yep, that's it. It's both disrespecting his integrity and dignity, and basically assuming he'd lie just to not be alone.
> Don't you think he at least deserves time with you?
And this resonates with me, too: I am not this what I become sometimes. Yes, he deserves time with the real me. So do I. That may not have been what you meant, but that's the way that's helpful for me.
OP, you might have a look at this book which has helped me start to heal from my abusive mother.
If narcissistic personality disorder is in fact what you're dealing with, I strongly recommend you read this book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_iDOVCbCKJJ482
Even through aimed at daughters, there is still a great deal of value in it for sons.
You shouldn't feel guilty. I was made to feel the same way about myself, but my mantra is "living well is the best revenge", because despite everything that my mother had done to me to make me feel like I'd never amount to anything, I have a wonderful life. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you need to do some work on yourself, which means you need to take a step back and maybe see a counselor. If you want to start with maybe reading a good book on the topic, start with "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" : https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 You are NOT to blame for the way you were raised.
It is extremely hard to live with the consequences of being raised by an NMom, I know. I still have to deal with it - there's nothing like feeling guilty about picking your mom up for Thanksgiving dinner from the low-income senior citizens apartment complex (she took out a reverse mortgage and blew through all the money after my dad passed) in a brand-new $50k SUV. Trust me. You just have to take it one day at a time and build yourself a good support network. I do suggest that you see a doctor though, it sounds like you had a pretty good anxiety attack. I had one like that about 17 years ago that caused me to re-evaluate much of my life. I spent about 3 years on medication to help with it. I no longer take anything though, and now I maybe get mini- anxiety attacks about once every other year, but nothing I can't deal with without the meds. I find that yoga is a huge help.
I am still VERY limited contact with my mom. Talk to her maybe once a month and have her for dinner on holidays.
I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!
Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)
FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.
A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.
Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.
NON FICTION:
Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one
My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships
Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.
Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.
I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.
Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.
I found this book, "How to Talk so Children Listen, and Listen so Children Talk"to be helpful. While the focus is on communicating with children it has techniques that can be useful for communicating with adults. It doesn't help with reading body language but it helps with techniques on clarifying what other people are talking about and keeping a discussion calm.
There's a book for that.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
Sometimes the language is a bit awkward because the kids in the book might not sound like the kids we have, but the underlying principles still apply. I think it strikes a good balance between giving specific strategies and explaining principles. It's not too gimmicky, yet it gives you enough detail to implement ideas.
I recommend this book https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889 it's over 30 years old so it's probably available at the library so you don't have to pay as much.
I recently red it after seeing it recommended on /r/parenting many times and it really is great. Chapter 3 is about 'alternatives to punishment'. That title is a bit misleading because the alternatives include options that I call 'punishment' like natural consequences (cleaning up a mess you've made). But that's just different definitions I suppose. Anyway I was a bit skeptical at first but I've used my kids as testbunnies and was amazed to find it works. The book is, unlike other parenting books I've red before, very hands on with real life situations rather than philosofical parenting.
Ugh that sounds exhausting... In my experience, terms like threenager and fournado make excuses for bad behavior simply based on their age. Time for some tough love parenting... maybe check out how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk this book
Ours are 2 years 7 months apart. He's 6 months today. My daughter hit 3 with a vengeance pretty much right after the baby was born. Suddenly everything made her angry, she didn't want talk, everything was a challenge. No more potty training, started hitting Grandma, yelling loudly, didn't want to go to bed. We were/are tired, it was rough. Lots of arguments. But the good news is that I read this book and it is amazing. I wish I had started reading it 3 months ago when I bought it but I was probably sleeping.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
My wife and I just finished this book. I plan on reading it over and over as my son (2.5) gets older:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
I struggle with this, too. It has been very painful for me to realize that I have parenting blind spots that were (of course!) just not visible to me until I realized that my own damage (or adaptations or whatever word you prefer) from my upbringing is significant and pervasive.
This isn't specifically a book for ACOA people, but I really like it, it's the most useful parenting book I've read, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen"
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=
It's still hard, though. I regularly run into triggers where I realize that I have deep veins of stuff I haven't worked through. I'd love more resources for parenting as an ACOA, too.
You'd probably also get a lot out of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" by the same authors.
One suggestion that may seem odd (depending on who you're interacting with): How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It gives specific advice and examples, and even has some exercises to help you absorb and practice the material.
It's obviously focused on talking/listening to kids, but much of the advice can be applied to any relationship.. I know that the first and most important point—to just acknowledge the other person's feelings instead of denying them or offering advice—has helped me become a better listener. The "offering advice" and "just acknowledging" approaches are demonstrated in this Parks and Rec clip, which introduced me to this idea.
I have read the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin which is targeted to stepmothers and is about stepmothers mostly. I thought it was really good in validating the really shitty stuff that we don't often like to admit (jealousy/anger/etc.).
I also read How to talk to kids so they listen and how to listen to kids so they talk because as a non-bio parent walking into a relationship with an 8 year old girl, I had a lot of learning to do, including communicating with a child (that wasn't a student/cousin/neighbour's kid/etc). Sometimes the example situations are overly positive but I've taken a lot of the techniques on board because who doesn't want to be listened to at the end of the day?
That's all I've really read in depth and that has helped me. The best thing tho in my opinion is to seek counselling for the family if it's really hard or at least couple's counselling. Because it all depends on the relationship of the couple...
Check out the chapter Freeing Children from Playing Roles in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, which gives many tools for addressing this.
Hope this doesn't come across as a criticism of your approach. I've just been thinking about this topic a lot lately.
(Edit: I have also mentioned this book in other threads, but it has been life changing.)
Thank you for reaching out for information and advice to help your daughter and as well your relationship with your wife. Your situation is like Shrodinger's Cat and no one knows whether of not your daughter has autism. However, your question is: how should you and your wife view and parent your daughter until the assessment?
I am guessing your wife has a list of behaviours to support her belief that your daughter have autism and you mention that she stims. You said that OT and SPL believe she has autism after 10 minute assessment and her teacher and your mother does not. When you said you don't want to put her in a box and focusing on what she can do, do you mean you believe: 1. autism should not be used as an excuse for certain behaviours? 2: your daughter should be held to higher expectation despite her shortcoming? 3. your wife's list of concerns about your daughter can be overcome with your style of parenting
Your post offers very little factual information about your daughter, what exactly you and your wife disagree on, unless this is literally an argument about syntax and definition.What are the concerning behaviours? Who is the primary care taker of the child? Let's stick to facts we know about autism. Autistic female tends to be under diagnosed because they tend to be able to 'act more normal' for lack of better terms. OT and SPL are trained professionals on developmental disability and the teacher and your mother are not. If OT and SPL can offer an diagnose on your daughter within 10 minute, you must then use your logic to decide 1. are these professionals are wrong and teacher, mom, and us, who have no training in diagnosis are right? or 2. does my daughter have clear signs of developmental delay?
Also, there are many other developmental delays, physical or psychological conditions that can be possible. For example, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Language Disorder, Selective Mutism, Social Anxiety, etc etc etc If your wife is concern about your daughter, it is worth the effort and the time to take a closer look, to be thorough, to be prepared, and support each other through this difficult and scary journey. It is always better to be more vigilant than negligent.
Let's say your daughter does not have autism. However, your wife has must have pointed out some difficult behaviours that she needs help tackling. Most experts agree that strategies used to help autistic children to thrive are superior parenting and teaching techniques for every child, even neurotypical ones. You do not need to wait until the diagnose to get the help your daughter and your wife needs. If you can let us know what behaviours your wife is concerned about, we can help you come up with good ways to manage or redirect regardless if your daughter's diagnose.
If you do not trust our inputs can be objective or effective for your daughter, I recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. This is a parenting book for neurotypical children, but the skills are also useful for children with autism.
I hope this helps.
P.S. Don't focus who is right or wrong in a relationship. That way everyone loses. The most important thing here is that your daughter thrives. Focusing on succeeding not winning.
Get the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," and then when he's older, get the sequel for teens. They're brilliant.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/0060741260
I was never officially diagnosed until my second attempt at u-grad, but my mom recognized ADHD was rampant in my dad's fam and did her best to explain reasoning to me, and to ask me to think things through. She used How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk to great success. I wasn't very old when I read it, and said "Hey Mom, why aren't you using X method?" =P
http://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1320550249&amp;sr=1-4
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?:
Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.
http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1462888852&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
You should definitely check out this book. It's for daughter's raised by narcissistic mothers, it also talks about the father's role as well. It goes into how to heal from it and many other things. Your therapist should be able to help you with most of the other stuff. But something that really helped me with accepting the positives and negatives and with mental stability is Buddhism. I'm general spiritual I read stuff from all religious sectors. But Buddhism is based around finding mental stability, feeling and expressing love and compassion, acceptance, and it's core is putting you on the path out of suffering. The best book for that is The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Soygal Rinpoche. The book talks about all parts of life, including your own death as well as how to be there for people who are dying. It goes over so much and it's beautifully written. Most of modern therapy, especially BPD specific therapy (DBT), is based on Buddhism and Eastern religions because it is in Buddhism where radical acceptance comes from. Also Alan Watts was a philosopher, and he studied all the religions and was really into Buddhism and Zen and he has fantastic books that are self help and spiritual and his outlook on life shows you how you are connected to the world and yourself. Alan Watts has significantly helped me. Also, if you look on YouTube many of his talks are on there too. I prefer listening to his talks because he is kind of funny but when you listen to him talk then when you read his stuff it makes more sense and you get the inflections he has.
I empathize with you as another daughter of a narcissist, who failed spectacularly out of therapy while refusing all accountability. (My mother, not me, I spent many years in therapy learning appropriate emotional coping strategies.)
These books, along with writing quite a bit of my story, were critical in my recovery:
Children of the Self Absorbed
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
I highly recommend writing your life story, btw. After all the gas lighting abusers do, it is so validating to write and reread life from your own perspective.
And honestly - if you want therapy, try it! But don't feel like you have to limit yourself to one kind of therapy (talk) to recover. Many people find art, music, dance, yoga, and other activities of personal expression to be healing as well. Good luck on your taper!
Here are some resources I found. I hope they are helpful.
Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3KJOS5MCJHDF6&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough&qid=1569021426&s=gateway&sprefix=will+i+ever+be+%2Caps%2C231&sr=8-1
https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Mother-Understanding-Narcissism-Daughters-ebook/dp/B07X7XKZBY/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=npd+mother+daughter&qid=1569021762&s=gateway&sr=8-6
https://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=pd_sbs_14_3/135-2861419-6173028?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=006220436X&pd_rd_r=2f646092-d474-4db0-a196-5ff21f95c08a&pd_rd_w=qAhbz&pd_rd_wg=fguag&pf_rd_p=d66372fe-68a6-48a3-90ec-41d7f64212be&pf_rd_r=CA0JTDDMD9K4CB14CT14&psc=1&refRID=CA0JTDDMD9K4CB14CT14
Articles:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201310/mothers-who-are-jealous-their-daughters
https://greatist.com/live/mother-daughter-jealousy#5
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2016/10/dealing-with-the-jealous-mother/
Podcast:
https://player.fm/series/the-narcissist-in-your-life-podcast/narcissistic-mothers-corrosive-jealousy-of-their-daughters
I had those fight nights, yep. Mom starts to escalate and attack me, and I had so much pent up emotion and hormones and frustration that I wouldn't be able to keep calm, then I'd be caught up in her emotional tornado, so I'd get even more upset at myself for not being better than her, which means I can't defend myself when my dad would intervene. Did you notice that your dad also expected more maturity out of you than he did from your mom? At times, it felt like my dad held me to a higher standard of behavior than her. I don't know what to do with that yet.
>Whenever I get angry at my mother she gets angrier.
100% same. It was like throwing down a cage match.
>Self-Hate. I called myself a stupid bitch yesterday and cried in public because I'll have another C this semester, and only B's, which would make yet another semester with a less than 3 average as a GPA. I believe that I'm not good enough. I believe that I'm stupid. Even though I have an internship at a pretty prestigious hospital waiting for me this summer. I feel like I'm nothing because it feels so true.
Oh friend, it hurts so much. If you haven't already, you might like Will I Ever Be Good Enough? it speaks to this topic and resonated strongly with me. Just a few years ago, I still believed I was broken and incapable of loving myself or being loved. I despised myself on a level that I almost can't believe now, even though I have vivid memories of it. Even when the self-hate wasn't cranked up, it was still quietly affecting everything in my life. In a few ways that I knew of, and so many that I didn't until I came out of the haze. It's been a twisty, strange path to loving myself instead, but through therapy, reading a few books, finding reddit, and actively working on new skills, I've cut the self-hate almost completely, I hope. I've been trying to figure out how exactly it happened, it sort of snuck up on me over time as I worked on it.
I was thinking of getting this book. It seemed like it may fit my situation. maybe it could help you too. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/?coliid=I2XMTWJBN2YWYM&amp;colid=3DPVQE4B3SW2C&amp;psc=0&amp;ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
This booked has helped tremendously. As I get to know myself I understand why I am the way I am... which ceases judgement and is replaced with compassion.
You can do it :)
First off, not that long by RBN post standards. Second, I can't really tell you if your mom is an N, no one on the internet really can. But I can point out a few things that are red flags:
Many of these are N tactics, if you read about RBN a bit you'll start to see them as reoccurring patterns. BUT again, no one can tell you if your mom is an N or something else.
My advice is to start seeing a therapist, you need someone to talk this through and putting it all on your husband isn't great for you, him or your marriage. A therapist can give you clarity about your mom's behaviour (it's unethical to diagnose someone without meeting them so don't expect a formal diagnose for your mom). Lastly, if your mom is an N there is a good possibility you have FLEAS that you could pass down to your kids, you'll need help getting rid of them fast.
Good luck and be kind to yourself.
edit: This is an amazing book, you'll see it recommended here a lot.
Oh my- the details of your conversation were straight out of my Nmom's playbook. This summer I cut her off for good and I've never felt so free in my life. When I was trying to go from VLC to NC, she did the exact same thing- trying to act like the stuff coming out (things from childhood) were out of the blue, but they aren't, because we carry these things with us every damned day. Minimizing your pain is a narc manipulation tactic. Be free, and cut them off for good.
Additionally, the book "Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" was life changing. I highly recommend it- https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Thank you - I'm gonna go read.
Edit: ah yes, memory refreshed. That self-help book... I mean I've been sexually assaulted too and that book would NOT have been welcome!
If you ever wanted a self help book, this one might be more the thing...
Look at it from her perspective. She can’t handle her ego getting bruised and she always has to “win”. She screams and yells and is not accountable for her behavior. That’s selfish, and she is only thinking about herself in those cases.
Then when you call her out on it, she starts sulking and playing the victim. Again, that’s selfish - she’s making it all about her.
She has no regard for how she makes other people feel, and is incapable of empathy. She is so focused on herself that she doesn’t have room for anyone else.
When you recognize this, it’s a revelation. You view people like her from more of an observational perspective and are able to emotionally detach yourself from that insane reality that she lives in.
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
This is a really good book if you are ever interested in learning more.
Have you been reading any self help books to help you while waiting for therapy? I found the following immensely helpful but I have to admit that I had to be exercising (usually hiking) while listening to the audiobooks to work out the feelings of all the trauma and old wounds it brought up. But the release was extremely cathartic and the validation of the authors is also healing. If you read, make sure you are in a quiet, calm and safe place. If you listen, a long walk will ease reflection.
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611
Self-sabotage is deeply imbedded in our self-esteem, caused by the years of abuse and neglect of our emotional wellbeing. Ergo we don't deserve happiness. Utterly illogical, isn't it?
My self-sabotage comes in waves, sometimes overwhelming and other times just quietly lapping. It's worse when I have experienced a trigger or a stressor, and I have to work really hard to self-care. Mindful meditation, exercise and nutritious food help me.
Try to be kind to yourself and reach out whenever you need to. We're all here to heal.
Yeah!
My stepmom pulled that shit on me. She's obese and short. Around the time I was going through puberty I had an awkward, slightly chubby phase. I don't think I was ever considered medically overweight, though. I had always been self-conscious about my appearance, as I had been taller than all the other kids for years and got boobs and hips early and that shit was awkward.
Anyway, when I first met her, she would make really weird comments about my appearance. I was 10 or 11 or so, but she would tell me that I had sexy legs or that I looked hot in certain outfits. I don't know, the legs thing could have been envy/an attempt at a compliment do to her family being all Greek and stumpy, but it's still a really odd thing to say to a child. As I got older and began to develop further she would start suggesting that I was gaining too much weight. She told me that I should weigh myself every morning completely naked. The reason for morning being that apparently people weigh a little less in the morning than in the afternoon. She said the proper weight for someone who if 5ft tall is 100 lbs, and 5 pounds for every inch after that. For instance, I was probably about 5'4'' around then. If I weighed anything more or less it was the wrong weight. This is totally discounting frame size, acceptable ranges, body fat percentages, etc.
During middle school I became slightly chubby. Nothing spectacular. Middle school in an ugly pit and I still had a little bit more growing to do. My stepmother began buying me clothes that were way too big, and if I tried on something that wasn't a potato sack she would declare it too small. So I was not allowed to show that I had a shape besides "brick" and she wanted to convince me that I wore a women's size 16. Going shopping with her was awful, as she would make me try hundreds of things on and then pick apart exactly how they didn't fit and were too "clingy" and showed how fat of a tummy I had or whatever. She wouldn't let me go into the dressing room alone and would very forcefully "help" me get the clothing on. I didn't like shopping to begin with, but she had a special talent at making it worse. She would then start trying to convince me to go on a diet so that boys would like me and so I wouldn't have to shop at the "big girl store" like she did.
Eventually, I got obsessed with my weight. I was already depressed as fuck because I had no friends and middle school is shitty and I missed my real mom (blah blah blah sad) and started meticulously counting my calories in an attempt to lose weight. I would try to get less than 1000 per day and mentally beat myself up if I ate any more than that. I don't remember how much weight I lost and I never became underweight, but the whole thing made me even more tired and depressed than I was before and I stopped after a few months. My stepmom started obsessively commenting on that, too, and made a bunch of passive-aggressive "proud" comments. Of course, this didn't stop her from commenting excessively on how I had pimples or that she thought my teeth were too yellow or that she thought my hair was ugly or that I had dry skin or that she didn't like what I wore or that she thought I should wear makeup and get plastic surgery (My boobs are sort of asymmetrical and she thought that insurance would pay for a "reconstructive" boob job. She wanted me to be able to show nicer cleavage for my future husband.)
Essentially, she is and was jealous of me and yours is likely jealous of you. I have just about the same body type that you described for yourself, and you know what, we're fucking pretty. My stepmom shows a lot of symptoms for narcissistic personality disorder, and your mom might, too. I'm reading this. You might want to, as well.
Anyway, sorry, that was a rant. I could have done my own offmychest post with that! Sorry!
I'm going to add Will I Ever Be Good Enough.
I read Co-Dependent no more because of my father's recommendation years ago. It really helped me learn how to deal with the alcoholics in my life (NMom and my ex-husband) while learning to stop my own enabling behaviors. I think OP & her father would benefit reading this.
Hey there, I'm sorry you're going through this. Lots of people here understand exactly how you're feeling and it is so, so hard.
I often feel the same about my boyfriend's family - he was given a lot of unconditional love by his parents and still receives this now. It breaks my heart to see it and realise how alien it is to me and how emotionally deprived my childhood and much of my adult life was.
I just wanted to let you know about a book I read earlier this year that helped me enormously, it may help you too and is obviously a lot cheaper than therapy! It actually recommends in part of the book choosing a doll or similar to talk as part of a process of healing your inner child.
I've linked the book here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am also sorry that this has just recently come to light... for me, the hardest part was realizing that my mother was a narcissist and that’s why certain things in my life didn’t make much sense (my co-dependency for example).
This book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” was so eye opening and so unbelievably helpful for me. You should definitely check it out... it’s weird because as you read it certain things in your life start making sense. It kinda blew my mind.
Anyway, I’m wishing you all the best!
Try reading this book. You'll see if it emotional abuse or just normal gifts.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?:... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I have a shelf full, but here are some winners for BPD:
Toxic Parents
Mothers Who Can't Love
Emotionally Absent Mother
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
Drama of the Gifted Child
Children of the Self-Absorbed
Can you rely on your dad to support you? I think you should ask him for support like he did before. It may sound selfish to some people, but you had been doing things you didn't feel too comfortable all your life to please her, I mean, now you are becoming an adult, just do it, what other opportunity like this you'll have? Don't think too much about her worries, no need to be rude, just try to take the conversation in other direction when she talks about her fears, after all, those are HER fears.
I recommend you to check this book, your description remembered me of my mother, may not be your case, but it helped me
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Your mom is using guilt to control you with language like “she gave up everything for you and your brother”. Narcissist parents talk like this. Kind, loving, non-mentally ill parents do not.
If you haven’t read it already, I would highly recommend checking out the book “Will I ever be good enough?“ By Karyl McBride:
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Growing up is all about experiencing new emotions. From the happy smile of a baby, to the scream of frustration in a toddler, the look of disappointment in a pre-teen and the scowl of anxiousness in a teenager. As they grow they continually feel and express new emotions. So, it is difficult to explain an emotion they have not felt yet but what you can do is help them appropriately handle the emotions they are feeling.
This is one of the best parenting books I have seen and it shows a lot of examples of how to help your kids when these new feelings arise. I find myself revisiting it every once in a while when a new situation comes up.
Read: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen.... I swear my life by this book.
For the parents: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1418143809&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=how+to+talk+to+kids+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
I can't recommend this book enough. There is a reason why it is still a best seller. They also have a teen edition as well.
For the kids: http://www.amazon.com/Pout-Pout-Fish-Adventure/dp/0374360979/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1418143839&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=pout+pout+fish
There's lots of rhyming, with a cute story, and a good moral at the end. It's one of my favorites that many people don't know about.
This book is amazing!
https://www.amazon.ca/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=nodl_
Not much more to add. Personally I binged on TV shows I hadn't seen; not sure that was the best move but yeah it did give me something to do, a bit of a passion to indulge. See I am a bit of a geek but through vagaries of having been in the army and other things, had missed out on a lot of TV. A relatively undemanding hobby helped me just tune out the world when that innner voice gets too busy.
Don't be afraid to call on your friends to get out the house for a drink (or whatever.) More than ever this is a time where if it all seems to be going to hell, you need to be with a good friend you can trust. You don't need them to be confessors or anything, just good company that you can call on who'll understand if you're not super chirpy.
I count it as a triumph that I'm still good friends with my ex, I think that's helped a lot. It sounds like you may have been in a similar situation to myself, a partner who didn't know how to communicate. You'll beat yourself up about it but realize it takes two to tango and there's only so much you can do. It may help to read a book about communication: this one gets a good rap. Not so much because you need to learn, just because that that's the way I personally work through things. Okay so I didn't do so great at that, how can I fix this? It's doing something positive.
All that worked for me, hope you find your way and bounce back :)
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do but take it. The people closest to you, which should matter the most, won't believe it and just thing they are crazy. Just internalize it all. I do have one book that could help you deal with anything like this in the future.
Emotional Blakmail
My therapist has a great line to use for when someone is making their problem your problem:
I am confident that you will figure it out.
That is it. When they complaint about BIL needing a ride: I am confident that....
When they complain about FIL having to drive: I am confident...
When they desperately come up with another irrelevant excuse: I am...
Don't try to make them see your point of view. They don't care. This inconveniences them. From their point of view, there are no positives, its all negatives. Don't waste the energy. Just use this as your mantra. Memorize it, and lean on it hard. His decision is final.
In fact: My decision is final is the other mantra that will cover all other complaints on this matter. Again, just repeat, don't explain. They wear us down in the explaining.
&#x200B;
Book recommendation: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972 Every one of their tactics is clearly defined as emotional blackmail in this book. Your husband has options other than riding their guilt train.
You should both read this book.
Introverts in the Church
The Introvert Advantage
The Introverts Way - Living a quiet life...
Introvert Power - Why Your Inner Life is Hidden Strength
Networking for People who hate Networking
There you go. Just a few. Read all of these on Kindle.
Get this book. I bought this a few years ago and it completely changed how I perceived myself. It made me understand that I wasn't alone and the way I felt and acted didn't make me abnormal. It also has many tips and guides for issues that introverts deal with every day.
Just read some literature on the subject of introversion. It's a common trait among us because we are using our memory differently than extrovert, we are using the "historic memory" so this take more time.
I've read this book which explained this pretty well (amoungs other things interesting things).
I recommend to every INTP to document itself on this topic (introversion), there is great chance that this will helps you to understand yourself a little bit better :3
http://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert-World/dp/0761123695
http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695 might be of interest.
This really needs to get upvoted more. As an extrovert, I found this book to be extremely helpful in understanding how introverts think/behave. I haven't finished the book yet but so far it has been very informative and insightful.
The book was primarily written to help address the concerns just as the OP stated. It adds the perspective introverts need to thrive in this extroverted world (well I can only speculate since I'm most certainly an outie!)
Here is a link for anyone interested.
I know I'm jumping into this conversation late in the game, but I really have to put this in here.
For most of my life I have felt exactly as you, and I used to consider myself being introverted as a negative thing. Obviously some people will feel that way, but they shouldn't. There are so many great things from being an introvert, but unfortunately society has created a negative stigma to it. I seriously suggest that you read "The Introvert Advantage". It's WAY worth the 10 bucks for the book. It helped me so much, and I think it will really help you and other introverts as well. It sheds new light on what it means to be an introvert as well as helping you to realize all of the advantages you've been given in life because you were born an introvert.
The post I'm replying to has several points that are stressed inside the book, including that introverts do not consider acquaintances friends, while extroverts do. I know that I had a very small group of friends for most of my life because of this, and to be honest, there's nothing wrong with it. You know that you can count on those people you call friends, and that's why they are just that; friends. And recharging your batteries alone? Yeah, definitely discussed. It's interesting to hear from other introverts like myself talk about these sorts of things, because they seem to hold true for all introverts, especially those who are deeply introverted.
One last thing that's helpful in the book and can help even extroverts is the test inside. There's a test to determine just how introverted or extroverted you are (because there are varying degrees of introversion). I suggest that if you have an introverted friend but consider yourself extroverted that you encourage your friend to pick up the book and read it yourself after they've finished. It will really shed some new light on why they act the way they do, and help you to appreciate the awesome person they really are even more. Good luck and I hope you find the book as helpful as I did!
Your complaint is common with people who are more introverted and have a bit of anxiety. When one feels internal conflict, "should I say this or should I say that? What does this person want from me? What do I say?" this produces a feeling of anxiety and then the need to shut down. Introverts get drained of energy when confronted with interpersonal conflict. Extroverts often feel energized when interacting with others. This difference in energy, speed of response and emotional reactivity can lead to shut down. I recommend two books: The Introvert Advantage, http://www.amazon.com/dp/0761123695/?tag=googhydr-20&amp;hvadid=2955432445&amp;ref=pd_sl_46kzt5sadt_e, and The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Fourth/dp/1572244135. Both books will help you appreciate your different communication style, deal with the discomfort, and respond more effectively. Good luck.
I would highly advise learning to make some mead if you haven't! Very rewarding and easy craft i got into this year with a extensive history! Good book of reference i got with everything you need to know. Just need 15lbs of honey you can spare... :)
http://www.amazon.com/The-Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning/dp/0937381802
Just bottled our first batch of orange blossom honey mead. Fucking amazing stuff.
It's very good. I bought it. I also got the compleat meadmaker, http://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1397588733&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=compleat+meadmaker and it's very good if you're interested in mead.
Great book. Probably the best beer brewing book available. On another note check out The Compleat Meadmaker : Home Production of Honey Wine From Your First Batch to Award-winning Fruit and Herb Variations
Once you get more into mead making, give The Compleat MeadMaker and Making Great Mead a read. Both are great to provide a more detailed view on meadmaking, and different ways to go about it. :)
Ken Shram's The Compleat Meadmaker has a handful of melomel recipes. I don't know if there's a raspberry-only recipe, but he has a multi-berry melomel recipe that's got strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and cherries. If you go to Amazon do a Search Inside This Book for black raspberries you should be able to find it.
Also, that book is a great in general for meadmaking tips and information.
Treat yourself some time: https://www.amazon.ca/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802
Try this, pretty easy to follow with some pictures.
I've also liked this book.
Also, I've brewed in small batches only so I could experiment with different flavors.
Cheers!
Also, I suggest picking up Ken Schramm's book: The compleat meadmaker. It reads super easy - just like he's talking to you, and is great for anything from creating your first mead to honing in on a recipe you've been doing for years. Some parts are a bit outdated, but it's still an extremely useful book.
For Mead and honey wines of various types.
https://www.amazon.com/Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning-Variations/dp/0937381802
If Mead tickles you come visit us on /r/mead :)
I would always recommend people start with 'The Compleat Meadmaker, by Ken Schramm'. This has been the meadmaking bible for a very long time. You can find supplementary information about staggered nutrient additions, pH buffering compounds, new sanitizers, etc online in various articles and forum sites. Of course, understanding your ingredients can also be very good for any brewer, and water is a huge ingredient. So besides the other element series book 'Yeast' by Christ White and Jamil Zainasheff I highly recommend 'Water' by John Palmer and Colin Kaminski. For those of us making mead in Ferndale, our water is a very key ingredient which comes to us from an underground aquifer treated by the city of Ferndale, and is of very high quality (even compared with the high quality water from the City of Detroit). Understanding honey is a huge area of study. There are many classic textbooks on honey and honey-hunting by Eva Crane that are considered primary sources (but these can be prohibitively expensive for most mazers, and honestly, Ken's book does an awesome job of summarizing her contributions, as well as other historical information about meadmaking, honey, etc). I feel a basic understanding of beekeeping can be highly instructive for meadmakers, and so I recommend that you get your hands on some beginner beekeeping books, e.g. 'Beesentials' by L.J. Connor and Robert Muir and/or the 'Beekeeper's Handbook'. A solid background in wine or beer-making doesn't hurt, either, and there are multitudes of books I can recommend to you on the subject of beer specifically (this is my homebrewing background). My two absolute must-haves for beer brewing are 'Designing Great Beers' by Ray Daniels and 'Brewing Classic Styles' by John Palmer and Jamil Zainasheff. Learning to brew beer can help you if you decide you want to try your hand at braggots.
It's fermenting. Did you check the specific gravity before adding more sugar and sealing it up?
I would encourage you to pick up a copy of The New Complete Joy of Hombrewing by Charlie Papazian and/or a copy of The Compleat Meadmaker by Ken Schramm
If you're going to back sweeten your mead you need to add potassium sorbate to prevent the yeast from starting back up.
Here is a basic version and this book has very good info. Basically the yeast needs more nutrients than what the honey has, so you have to give it some every other day and then staggered from there.
Choosing your honey is a lot like choosing the ingredients for an entree. In reality both will work, it just depends on the flavors your going for. Taste it, do you like it? Then try it out!
If, however you're looking for a more pragmatic approach I suggest The Compleat Meadmaker (Yes, the spelling is correct).
I can't remember exactly which page because I'm at work, but there is table, table 7.3 which contains the various varieties of honey and what their characteristics are most likely to be. Including flavors, sugars, Ph, etc.
This is recommended on the mead wiki
Check this out at Amazon.com
The Compleat Meadmaker : Home Production of Honey Wine From Your First Batch to Award-winning Fruit and Herb Variations https://www.amazon.com/dp/0937381802/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_jw40DbGRM6G22
the first thing you need is a copy of 'the compleat meadmaker':
http://www.amazon.com/The-Compleat-Meadmaker-Production-Award-winning/dp/0937381802
the second thing you need is to read it.
I agree that there's nothing to worry about here. Also, EC-1118 is aggressive and has an alcohol tolerance of about 18% and could go even higher if coaxed.
My rough-estimate for percent alcohol is as follows: 40 points of gravity per pound of honey per gallon of water. That is, 1 lb of honey in 1 gal of water would give a SG of 1.040. For a 5-gal batch, 16 lbs of honey in 4 gals of water:
(16lbs * 40)/4 gals = 1.160
So my calculation says your starting gravity was more of 1.160 (more or less). I see that conflicts with Kurai_'s answer, though, so I'm interested in how they arrived at it (unless they meant to type 1.150).
Alcohol. Generally speakinig, I do 8 points of gravity per percentage of alcohol. That is, if your yeast fermented 80 points of gravity (say, from 1.100 down to 1.020), then your mead would be 10% abv. This is just my rouge estimate. If you want precision, you'll need lab gear and knowledge.
You say the calculator told you your must should have been closer to 1.150 when you started. That jives with my estimation of 1.160. Let's say your starting gravity was 1.150 and your finishing gravity is now 1.010 (which is what I took away from your post). The calculation goes like this:
1.150 - 1.010 = 140 gravity points fermented
140 / 8 = 17.5% ABV
This makes more sense because EC-1118 has an alcohol tolerance of up to 18%. If your goal was a sweet, high gravity sack mead, then congratulations - you nailed it. Now put that jet fuel away for a year or so because it's going to need the aging.
If you're the reading type, The Compleat Meadmaker is very approachable and has tons of techniques and helpful science.
Nothing to worry about here except fending off people trying to steal your goods. Also be sure to always measure your starting gravity.
Get a copy of The Complete Meadmaker by Ken Schramm. Best book on the subject IMO. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0937381802/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1369915766&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SL75
There are a few books that are considered standard reading for poly people
For me I would also urge anyone who cares about relationships of any configuration to read Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg.
Edit: Formatting.
Consensual/Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory are both NOT “quid-pro-quo” equations and are not meant to be handled that way.
Pick up a copy of “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory” for a good understanding of what these non-monogamous tracks look like.
I just realized it's been 7 years since I read that book. Haven't read that latest edition you're holding, but I remember the chapter "Embracing Conflict" (I think that's what it was called) being eye-opening to me.
If anyone out there is interested in ethical non-monogamy, or dope books about relationship skills generally, then read The Ethical Slut (and More Than Two by Rickert and Veaux, plus The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory by Winston)
I've started reading this book:
https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706
I haven't gotten that far with it yet, but it's comforting to know that other people have tried this before me and have some advice.
So it's a book on Polyamorous relationships, but it deals a lot with communication and boundaries, it's called More than 2. Here an Amazon link
In addition to some of the other things people have suggested, I recommend sitting down with your daughter and explaining to her that you grew up in a house where you were yelled at and belittled. Talk to her about how it made you feel. Then explain that you realize you are doing the same thing to her, and that you will be doing some things to fix it.
If you are the type to read up on things, I have two suggestions: "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh, and "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk"
Read this book. Link
This book might seem an odd recommendation, because it is aimed at child psychology, but the fact is that most aspects of psychology cut across ages. It has useful lessons for communicating with anyone: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1451663889/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0
and it specifically addresses the issue of praise.
I went through something very similar. The information found at this link resolved the problem for me in my mind, and in my relationship. The solution itself required a lot of hard work to implement, but it was worth it. Good luck.
EDIT: *Don't cut your dick off. Seriously... what a waste. You'll thank me.
Watch porn together. Maybe get some reading material (not fap stuff, but real sexuality stuff).
He might find this useful (I'm serious): http://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
Honestly, you need some serious mentorship. I highly suggest Athol Kay's "Married Man's Sex Life" and consider hiring him as a coach. I used him and it helped really fix a lot of issues.
atholkay.com/
(Note: He is cheaper than a marriage counselor (useless) IMO.)
his book:
https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
If you want to look at his website consider: www.atholkay.com
Another book for your wife to read is: "For Her Eyes Only"
https://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-Revised-Updated-About/dp/1601424442/
Why would you be in a commited relationship with a woman who does not want to have sex with you?
All your answers are here: https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
You are not in a good place. She is treating you like a child and you're acting the part.
You need to improve yourself.
Read this book before getting married: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1460981731/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_PEXIzbF56572W
Read it.
Are you me? I really feel your pain. Have you read a book like:
https://www.scribd.com/document/317641132/Sex-God-Method-2nd-Edition-pdf
This helped. Another book that helped was reading:
https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731
It goes into what kinds of things you can do to actually increase your wife's libido, as well as improving your daily life.
I really feel your frustration. My wife has poor interest in reading new books or having any initiative in improving our sex life, or her own sexual skills.
Monogamous marriage with a male head of household (ie patriarchy) has two main aims:
The male optimum is to have a loyal wife at home raising kids, but then spread his seed a lot on the side. Once the kids are raised and the wife is old, dump her for a younger wife.
The female optimum is to have a provider husband, but then to screw around with higher status men when hubby is not watching.
A woman has highest value during her most fertile years, 18-33, but loses value later on.
A man has highest value during his early 30's, and his value declines much more slowly.
Additionally, each person might have varying value during life based on health, job loss, etc.
Based on the above patterns, we can build the four quadrants of the prisoner's dilemma
The defect-defect/lose-lose situation is that woman screws around during her 20's, then when is older no one wants her and she lives a lonely life. The woman-defects, male-sucker situation is that the woman screws around in her 20's, then gets settles for a provider husband who went with very little sex during his 20's, and now has second dibs, and maybe gets cuckolded to boot. The man-defects, woman-sucker situation is the woman gets married young, gives her best years to her husband, then gets unceremoniously dumped for a younger woman.
The way out of the prisoner's dilemma is to create a permanent contract - the monogamous marriage. The man and woman get married, permanently, while both are still young, and are loyal to each other and raise a family together. This puts man and woman in the cooperate-cooperate quadrant, which is a lot better for both than the defect-defect.
So one question - in the 21st century, why is the cooperate-cooperate better than defect-defect? Maybe a woman will get more utility from screwing around while young, then raising children by herself. Maybe the two parent family is neither necessary nor desirable.
My answers:
Why the male head of household? Woman are naturally hypergamous, they are attracted to men of higher status and command. Thus if the man is not in charge, the woman will hen-peck him and lose sexual interest. This book is one of the finest on the subject. Furthermore, due to natural hypergamy, and due to average differences between the sexes in abstract reasoning, the man in any given relationship will generally be better than his wife at making long-term, unemotional, rational decisions. Finally, a woman's natural tools of power are manipulation, not command, so to make the male the head is not at all to render the woman powerless.
Why not polyamory, polygyny or group marriage?
Polygyny is bad because it would leave a lot of men without ability to get wives, which means those men would have no incentive to do anything useful for society.
Due to female hypergamy, polyamory seems to turn into polygyny in practice.
I'm skeptical that group marriage could ever be stable. Seems like there is too much incentive for defections of various types. Furthermore, men might not know who their children are, thus less incentive to invest in them. If one locality wants to try to make it work, they should go for it, and should figure out what sort of norms and laws would be needed to make it stable. But it would be ridiculous to optimize society around such an unproven idea.
So, overall, I think that monogamous marriage is still the best solution to the hard and messy problems of man, woman, and raising children.
Note that monogamous marriage is not easy. Marriage is work. Civilization is work. The complex societies that our ancestors built, that having been built, our survival now depends on, are not easy. The human brain is complicated and of conflicting motivations. Making monogamous marriage successful takes the coordinated efforts of social pressure, law, and cultural conditioning.
So yes, in modern times we see many unhappy marriages, many marriages that end in divorce. I would argue that leftists broke marriage, then claimed it didn't work. Some ways marriage was broken:
Now, marriage will never be for everyone. People will not be perfect, there will always be rakes and whores, spinsters and single moms.
But because civilization is hard, a society must pick out the best known guide-plan for life we got, and teach people how to follow that plan, and it make it high-status to follow that plan, and low-status to not follow that plan. If technology really does make this standard life plan obsolete, experiments in alternative living can be spun up in isolated geographies, and then expanded if they prove successful. Instead, our society has made the best known guide-plan illegal, has destroyed knowledge of how to make the plan work, with predictably disastrous results.
I would recommend picking up the Married Man Sex Life Primer and reading it twice. After that, continue reading resources on the web.
After reading and continuing my education on this subject I recognize mistakes I have been making as a matter of course in my marriage. I'm now working on making myself a better person and regaining control of my relationship.
Time will tell if I am able to revive my marriage or not, but one thing is for sure: I now have a clear plan towards getting what I need in a relationship, even if that means leaving my wife. Even having a clear path forward is a huge relief, even if the end result seems like a foregone conclusion.
So while she isn't being attentive to your needs (putting out, as it were) you're going two or three extra miles to be the perfect partner in an attempt to "earn" some sex from her. What incentive is there for her to change? The relationship's inertia is in her favor; to have to wrapped around her little finger he just has to do nothing.
I'm currently reading 'The Married Man Sex Life Primer' and it's speaking to me. I can work on myself and get more/better sex by being worthy of more/better sex. If I'm in shape and a better rounded person and she still doesn't take my needs into consideration then I guess I'll have a hard choice to make.
Buy him this as a gift: http://www.amazon.com/The-Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862/ it's a book called "The Rational Male" by /u/rollo-tomassi who has a blog over at http://therationalmale.com/
Also get him listening to this podcast called "The Beige Phillip Show" over at http://beigephillip.com/, there's a lot of comedy and joking around on the show which will help him ease into the ideas, it lacks that "alpha bro" approach but still distils the same kind of wisdom that we discuss.
How to introduce him to these things? Say you "found it on the internet", started reading things and listening to that podcast and you thought he'd find it interesting. These are probably the "softest" ways to introduce someone to TRP, if he's still not receptive I'd be seriously questioning his gender identity. Being a man and being completely unreceptive to men/maleness whilst supposedly being straight is neither normal nor healthy, hopefully it doesn't come to that. A lot of men here are the products of single mothers too, and so they have to work extra hard to cultivate their masculinity, but that doesn't cause them to outright reject it, maybe it affected him more profoundly or perhaps he has other issues, I don't know him so really at this point I'm just speculating.
Best of luck to you and your boyfriend and kudos you haven't just dumped him for another guy but are actually trying to help the guy improve. I'm not sure that's entirely for unselfish reasons (maybe he's rich or you're not particularly flush with better options than him - that's not my business) but whether you guys last or not, giving him access to this information will help him endlessly for the rest of his life, so kudos for that, your intentions will serve him well.
Did you read [The Rational Male] (https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862)? I bet you didn't!
If you read that book you'd understand that women subconsciously follow certain patterns of behavior. When society gives female more power than they can handle. When society removes the responsibility from the shoulder's of women, then, that's a danger to humanity. Because the natural role of women is not holding power and having the EQUAL rights as men.
Just look around you and see how women behave.
Never directly address an issue with a woman like that. You can’t just straight up ask her why she wasn’t down. Did you think she’d tell you why so that it could then fix whatever the problem was? Women don’t function like that. Men like to try solving these problems as if they were logical puzzles, but genuine sexual desire can’t be negotiated logically like that. All you accomplished was coming off like a thirsty beta and torpedoing your chances.
The Desire Dynamic
The kissing during the movie probably failed to escalate to sex because you tried to jump on it too soon. If you’re watching a movie then finish the movie with her. If you stop 20 minutes in then she’s going to feel like sex is more of a priority to you than spending quality time with her.
Make Brain: Sex > Quality Time
Female Brian: Quality Time > Sex
Also, if the movie itself was lame then she could have been in a weird mood due just to that. Women are very sensitive to their moods. Read my post here about how to get a movie lay. It doesn’t map exactly to your situation, but it’ll give you some ideas:
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/9m9k7f/comment/e7d1mmv
Another thing to remember is that muscularity is a disproportionately huge attraction factor for very young women. They have no conception at all about what qualities make for a good long term partner. They give zero shits about your financial situation or your prospects for future success. They give zero shits about if you have your life together or if you’re going to be a burn out alcoholic. They just want the stereotypically hot muscular guy they see in media.
This changes in their mid 20’s after they’ve had a few failed relationships. At the moment though, just focus on getting totally jacked. If you’re young and you’re dealing with very young girls (23 or younger) then all you need to do is get your bench press weight up to 200lb and wear a skin tight shirt to show off your pecs. That’ll get you laid, guaranteed. You’ll want to be dating 23 year olds (or younger) even into your 30’s, so I can’t stress enough how important lifting is.
Just flat out ignore her mean texts. She’s attention whoring, trying to create drama, and trying to get you to get emotional like a beta. If you give her any attention at all she wins. Just go blackout silent.
Lift and game other girls.
Also, if you haven already read the entirety of The Rational Male blog, then I highly recommend the book versions. It’s the same posts, but arranged in a saner format, and with some useful front matter:
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
Great post... I agree with almost everything you wrote, and your conclusion: Having a great inner life, cultivating yourself, etc. Our problem with relationships is that we don't understand the "games" 80% of men/women play in our culture. I find HSPs are generally good in most areas, once they discover and embrace their traits; however, HSP men (I can speak only of my experience) have a highly unrealistic, romanticized notion of finding "the one" or a "soul mate", putting women an pedestals, etc... Those are just beliefs that don't match with reality/biology. It sucks to realize this, but it's true... I talk about this in my latest video (see comment somewhere in this thread). Don't give up or get cynical. Align your life paradigm up with reality. For example, you wrote "Many of the things i did weren't for myself but for her sake" ...it seems counter-intuitive, but this is actually not wise. You give your power away, and in so doing, most women actually lose respect for you. Haven't you seen situation where a guy treats a woman like shit, but she can't leave him? The relationship is all about him, but she will not leave...even when guys like us are right there, willing to be in relationship. Now, I'm not saying it's ok to treat women (or anyone) like shit, but what is that dynamic? Why does it work the way it does? Why are nice guys ALWAYS in the "friendzone"? We have incorrect beliefs about male/female interaction. In fact, reality is 180 degrees different than what you were taught/learned growing up. Don't even think about dating until you read the following book. It will change your life in the area of relationships and self-empowerment...
The Rational Male: Rollo Tomassi
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862
Give him the book "The Rational Male" and "Men on Strike" lol
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Just tell him you don't want to be a third wheel and that you respect his girlfriend, but feel weird about being part of a trike..
There is nothing wrong with saying that you want to have some "Bro time", because you are kinda burned out from dealing with all the
womenstresses at work all the time. Makes you sound like an awesome dude, while kinda getting the point across. Plus he's your brother, he should understand, right?Takve stvari se desavaju kroz zivot, jebi ga ja sam isto izgubio hrpu frendova poslje srednje, faxa, interesi ljudi se mijenjaju kroz vrijeme, ali isto tako sam upoznao hrpu novih i boljih frendova. A za zene se ne opterecuj ima ih koliko hoces, nije ni prva ni zadnja, nemres racunati ozbiljnost od zena bar do 28 godine, tada vecina njih se zeli skrasiti.
Pricas iz perspektive kao sta ces ti sada kada nemas nikoga i da si izgubljen, zasto definiras svoje postojanje kroz to jesi li prihvacen od ljudi koji ti long run mozda ne odgovaraju ?
Zene ti isto nevole likove koji se ovako ponasaju, sta cu ja bez nje mi govori da je ona vodila kolo, ti nisi imao bas nekog izbora i dosadio si joj, zeli druge stvari, mlada je, zeli se zajebavat i zivit.
Pocni raditi na sebi da budes bolja verzija sebe, svatko moze sjest plakat i pusit travu, gubit vrijeme.
Koristan kanal mozda ce ti se svidjet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV7B0Fzcl2w&amp;t=2s
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862
So I asked a friend who just finished accepting the Truth. We have been sparring for over 6 months while I absorbed more and more, and he decelerated from Ultra Blue Bitch to Angry Phase.
He is a 30+ engineer, who slept with 30+ women so far while Beta Bitch. Far from a complete loser.
His words:
> It's hard to accept the Truth.
>The mental breakdown that this does to you that is terrible.
>Your paradigm is halved, and you have to rebuild yourself from zero.
>
>I was too far the other side, and suddenly realized everything is backwards... it fucked up my brain.
>
>My happiness paradigm was broken, I had to relearn the meaning of life.
>Learn how to find the meaning of life without looking outside of myself.
>And start from within.
>
>There are still days I miss the old romantic BP ideals.
>Now I know they are an impossible utopia.
>I realized that I had invested too much hope in those ideals, and that life was empty without them.
>But everything was a phantasy.
More as it comes.
My commentary:
Rollo's excellent book helped a lot, he is very through and really hits home.
Bonecrker's blog and also his book (form 2004, fuck this guy was a real prophet) really helped too, he is even more to the point, and speaks from anger, something BP guys need.
We live in an age of political correctness where artificially constructed notions are upheld at the expense of reality. The collateral - in this case - the disassociation of your instincts in favor of ideals / beliefs comes the inability to manifest your masculine core and subjugate her feminine chaos leading to your present dilemma.
In laymen terms, you have been raised to believe bullshit about women that simply isn't true, this bullshit makes you 'act' a certain way thinking you are doing the right thing when in fact you are NOT. You are a man, the masculine experience fundamentally differs from the feminine experience yet (western) contemporary culture would have you believe otherwise.
You are suffering.. Confused because you think you're doing the right things acquiescing to her when really you are just enabling her bad behavior - this isn't your fault however, this is the result of a lifetime of pro-feminine cultural conditioning which portrays the female sexual experience as virtuous or right and the male sexual experience as grotesque or wrong. Embrace your instincts, take pride in being a man.
Now, when she gets mad at you over small things DO NOT let it upset you in the slightest, she is testing you, she wants to know that you are unshakable in your core, that you can overcome her spats, and that her shit tests don't bother you - you can weather her emotional storms of fleeting feelings moving from one thing to the next.
Men are more romantic than women, a generalization that supports itself when the reality of sexual dynamics are explored between both sexes. Men trade resource provisioning and security for sex, we have evolved this way for thousands of years and the advent of modernization, concrete jungles and ideologies like feminism won't change the nature of reality.
Focus on yourself, on your mission, what you want to do, don't let her sap your energy away from your projects and don't prioritize her over what you want to do, I cringe to think how many INFP's are easy targets for succubi and narcissists alike and hope you never find yourself being taken advantage of.
Regardless of what you choose to do, check out The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi All the best.
Shameless Plug: Buy him the book.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862
I see... I've never heard of anyone suggesting professionals regulating dosage at safe injection sites.
When I read "trained medical professionals," I imagine training consisting of a quarter of emergency medicine at the community college and four competency based sessions a year.
If the county adds a medical director to supervise the techs and some "drug counsellors" to discuss alternatives to opiate use, the program should cost just about as much as any of our many methadone clinics, where "medical professionals adjust dosage" on the regular.
If you're seriously interested in the model, I highly recommend Dr. Gabor Mate's In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts as he might be the only doctor in the Western Hemisphere with any real knowlege on the practice.
Read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X
Accept that you may never stop smoking but maybe a reduction in smoking maybe a short-term goal that you can make.
A person with so many problems is hard to help. I read an interesting book on homeless drug addicts recently
https://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X
The author is a doctor trained in helping addicts and even he can save very few :(
>I'm sure you would have preferred to not watch your son go through that. I'm sure given the choice you would have opted out of him having been exposed to drugs.
He probably wouldn't be my son if not for the issues that contributed to and resulted from his firstmama becoming an addict, he probably would have been able to be raised in his biological family. I wish all wanted kids were able to be raised in their biological families, and I wish that our society responded to the risk factors for and the disease of addiction better so that people had more support, more treatment options and more social awareness around addiction. My love for him and desire to see him have a life free of any trauma, and my selfish self-interest in wanting to be his mother, are certainly at war in that thought experiment.
>But I also think this post has been glorifying drug addiction like it's an acceptable thing. Accepting it for what it is is...
I absolutely do think we should accept addiction for what it is - a disease. Would you stigmatize a firstmother with mental illness? With cancer? Addicts don't pop into the world with the desire to become addicts, to expose infants to opiates or whatever, etc. The number one predictor of addiction for women, is being sexually abused as a child. Trauma in general plays a huge role. Millions of people try drugs and never become addicts, and the role of childhood trauma in those who do become addicts - well if that alone doesn't trigger your sympathy then you are really truly cold. Try reading In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts by addiction specialist Dr. Gabor Mate before you ever open your callous, uninformed mouth on this subject again, please.
>glorifying drug addiction
>I just don't think people need to worry about offending someone is who going down hill.
>They need help, not someone telling them that their behavior is ok.
Your post - even this one and even while maintaining otherwise - is full of stigmatizing, offensive language.
If degredation and lack of respect beat back and cured addiction, there would be no more addicts - they face more than enough of it. They're at high risk for homelessness, abuse, disease, rape, pain, family estrangement, loss of their children, prison and all sorts of degredation. If you sincerely think that by being a complete jerk about addiction, instead of being kind and compassionate, you are doing anything helpful, you're flat out wrong. Read Dr. Mate's book. He, as a doctor and specialist, explains it much better than I could.
I understand that you're likely just preaching the same bad addiction language you've heard in your life, so I encourage you to rise above it, get educated and do better. Especially if you want to do anything about drug abuse in the world - because believe me all the degredation hasn't been enough to end it so maybe it's time to try something new.
I think there's more to it than the lists posted here, but my boyfriend doesn't do any of the things listed. I'm finally in a happy relationship, although I don't know what the future holds or if he's The One. (I thought my ex-husband was The One so, my mileage varies.) Interestingly, many of the things on the lists in this post are things my mother does.......
When I was separated from my ex-husband I read a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and it helped me see that the relationship was not going to be saved.
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_V7L4ybGY7WW94
Why are you staying? What is keeping you in the relationship? I recommend that you read the book Too good to leave too bad to stay: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350
I enjoyed reading the birth stories in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. It was really interesting to learn about the different coping mechanisms women used, and just being aware of how different each birth can be! http://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156
I felt really depressed towards the end of the first and beginning of the second trimester, but I managed to perk up and have been feeling pretty great ever since. The thing that actually helped me was I started knitting again. It was something that I could do to "prepare" for the baby, but it wasn't urgent (no pressure) and it wasn't physically demanding. Finishing the first little hat gave me a sense of accomplishment and helped me finally get excited about the baby.
Is there any little tasks you can do to start getting ready for the baby that aren't too physically or mentally demanding? Even just going online and buying a few outfits or starting to work on your registry could help you have something positive and productive to focus on. You could even start writing up a tentative birth plan or reading some positive birth stories (I really recommend Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth or even watching her ted talk).
I'm having a good time with Happiest Baby on the Block (though I think it's really slow and repetitive, and their "conclusions" (it isn't this, this, or this, so it MUST be this) are a bit, uh, presumptuous; I think the book is spot on for how to treat the baby, especially in the "4th trimester") and The Nursing Mother's Companion. And these aren't baby books, but my husband and I are also reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and The Birth Partner to prep for labor.
I have a few more books on my shelf to reference just in case, like Sears' The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two (but I am wary of anti-vacc notions of the book), Brain Rules for Baby, and for fun, Experimenting with Babies.
We did:
Four-week "comprehensive childbirth" class at our hospital, which I really liked and am glad I took. The instructors were all either nurses or former nurses at our hospital and were familiar with our hospital's policies and standard practices, so I now feel very comfortable with what might happen during our birth; also, it turns out our hospital is pretty awesome. It was also actually some nice bonding time with my husband, especially when we practiced having him coach me.
One night breastfeeding class, also at the hospital. Informative, but not necessarily anything I couldn't have learned on my own. It was good to hear about the breastfeeding support that my hospital offers, but I suspect I would have found out about all of that anyway during my stay.
Watched the DVD series Laugh and Learn about Childbirth. It was nice to have a second perspective, and there is so much to know about childbirth that there was material covered in the videos that wasn't covered in our class. The instructor has an interesting style which we found to be hit or miss, tonally, but overall it was a good use of time. We also have Laugh and Learn About Breastfeeding, but haven't watched it yet.
I also read (I've been to the library more in the past two months than in the previous two years...):
My husband is reading The Birth Partner, Third Edition: A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Doulas, and All Other Labor Companions, and likes it so far.
I still have HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method: A natural approach to a safe, easier, more comfortable birthing; The Birth Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Safe and Satisfying Birth (Sears Parenting Library); and Natural Hospital Birth: The Best of Both Worlds on my reading list. About three weeks to go; we'll see how far I get.
I'm looking for a good pregnancy book too, with a focus on natural birth. The two I'm considering are Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and Husband-Coached Childbirth: The Bradley Method. I had an early 2000s edition of the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy during my first pregnancy and found it informative and helpful.
When my baby was about 5 months old I read Magda Gerber's Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect and it changed our little family forever. I recommend it to every new parent. Completely amazing! although I don't agree with everything in it for the newborn time period -- I'm big on babywearing and cosleeping.
If you're looking for a gift that pertains to her pregnancy, get her some Preggie Pops for morning sickness & The Business of Being Born. If you're interested in getting her some books, I suggest Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and/or Pregnancy Childbirth & The Newborn. And maybe consider getting your brother(?) a copy of The Birth Partner. I think every dad-to-be should read that book.
Clearly based on all the posts thus far: You are so not alone in this.
How you deal with it is up to you.
I am very confrontational when it comes to fears. I learn everything there is to know about a certain subject and if there is even one tiny part that scares me the most, I become obsessed with learning about it.
In this way, I'm able to understand what is realistic and what just isn't based on statistics. I've also come to terms with knowing that, in the heat of the moment, there will be little I can do.
One of the most powerful books I read on late pregnancy and the birth experience overall is Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. The first third of the book is filled with birth stories and the rest just talks about the experience. Very well written, easy to read, and filled with citations.
My father died almost 14 years ago when I was 18. We were incredibly close and it breaks my heart just thinking about the relationship he could and would have had with my baby girl. He would have made an INCREDIBLE grandfather. My only solace is knowing that he gave me so much in life that I know I, as his living legacy, will proudly pass to her. I day dream of the day(s) when she begins to ask about her grandfather and I day dream of my responses and the stories I'll tell.
While it's not even a close second to having him still in my life, it's enough to calm me and focus on the positive (usually).
And know that sometimes, you are just going to need to cry it out. And that is 100% ok. Privately, publicly, whatever. Fuck it. Sometimes we all just need one good big ol' fuckin' sob. I almost ALWAYS feel better after letting myself feel this way.
Oh! And one other thing that's really related to both coping with your fears of late pregnancy and birth AND cope with loss: Surrender.
Learning how to surrender your mind and body to your emotions and physical needs is incredibly empowering. The book talks a LOT about this.
You can do this. You will do this. And... you're going to do incredibly well.
Good luck with everything. <3
Not a video or podcast, but I love Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. Some of the things she suggests to help with labor pain seem a bit weird or silly but they really work!
I've been reading a lot of books and these are a few of my favorites that I would highly recommend:
Welcome! My cycles can vary by a few days every month, so I use ClearBlue Ovulation kits. It just helps take away some of the guess work.
And I completely relate with worrying about protecting my marriage! I think even just having that top of mind means we’ll be more vigilant in watching for warning signs. I just heard about this book but haven’t read it yet: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Best of luck!
clinical psychologist here. For couples, its hard to beat Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
I read 7 principles for making a marriage work and thought it made a lot of sense. The researcher actually studied a bunch of couples and then followed them long term to see what behaviors predicted breaking up. Some stuff was sort of surprising, like it's ok to have topics upon which you disagree for your whole married life, it's HOW you talk to each other that can make or break you. I.e. defusing a situation with humor is good, even if nothing was really resolved, showing contempt for your partner is bad.
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. He's a very respected researcher on marriage and relationships.
I'll also recommend checking out this Intimate Relationships course from UCLA: http://www2.oid.ucla.edu/webcasts/courses/2012-2013/2013spring/psych137c-1. It was my favorite course during my time there and really changed my outlook on people.
Also this: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLexCQI5fHYIdeWyOSJBclmFL8i4bkBT4H.
Medication definitely has a role to play. Having negative previous experiences in therapy is tough but a lot of it does come down to fit and really wanting to be there (as opposed to sent there by mom or some other well-intentioned person). I think you guys are definitely not on the same page when it comes to the role of dreams and part of it that is down to your personal histories, part of that is down to how dreams were approached in your families of origin and part of that is your history together. But people change over time and the conclusions both of you came to years ago may no longer be relevant. Even if he won't go to therapy, can I encourage you to pick up John Gottman's book. He talks in there about reconciling dreams and provides some examples and exercises that a couple could do.
In this case, you've improved physically, professionally, and have your life on lock down. Maybe it's time to look at some of those blue-pill relationship bonding books. You've got nothing to lose, because it's not like you can kill attraction when it's not there.
I like this one--
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
It's pretty good-- it can help you figure out some of the bad patterns you do that make your wife not emotionally connected to you
Book recommendation. Side note: I'm big on researching most things before I purchase them.
I'm currently on page 37 and I've had my mind blown five times thus far.
Amazon link just for ease: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0609805797/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
Book title/author: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman
(I'm sometimes too proactive for my own good.)
(And I hope things get better for both of you.)
It's never too late. I'm rather of the opinion that it's far better to be alone than to be in a shitty relationship. My husband was the only guy I ever dated. Not because I dated the first man who came along, but because I refused to date anybody who showed signs of anger, short tempers, obsession, disregard for others, taking shit about exes, etc.
I was his friend for 3 years before deciding I liked him, and it was another 2 years before we started dating. If at any point he showed abusive tendencies (and it always starts more subtly than outright hitting), I would have left. And that still stands, even though we're married and I love him. I will not be abused, and I will not be trapped in a toxic marriage as my mother was.
And if I had never met him, I would not be married right now. Because to this day, I have never met another man who I would be comfortable sharing my life and my bed with. Every single other man I've been "interested" in ended up showing some incompatible characteristic.
Life is too short to spend with an abuser. Some people are capable of change, but it's hard and both parties need to really change themselves to turn an unhealthy relationship into a good one. The abuser has to recognize the need to change, and has to make a commitment to do it. The abused one has to set boundaries on how they will be treated, and needs to keep the abuser in check as they both work towards a better interaction.
I HIGHLY recommend reading John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work. He did studies on couples and how they argue, and is able to predict with high accuracy who will stay together in a happy relationship, and who will divorce. And more importantly, he points out which behaviors are toxic in a relationship, and how both parties can change them. He's a great author, and has amazing books on abuse (When Men Batter Women) and gentle childrearing (Raising an Emotionally intelligent Child).
Highly suggest reading this book
We've been doing the exercises at night and it has lead to some really interesting conversation. It feels like a little marriage prep!
The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb
and though it's not specifically Christian, I like that this one is evidence-based: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
It sounds like you guys really don't know how to argue. There are appropriate ways to express how you're feeling, and the way you guys talk to each other isn't the most effective way to come to an amicable end.
There is a book called The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work that is excellent in teaching how to argue with your partner. If you are both willing to read it and try to follow the advise within, it would probably really help. If you can't come to a compromise at home, you would both probably really benefit from couples counseling.
I think you've gotten some good advice here. I just wanted to throw out two books that have been really helpful to my husband and I and are not touchy-feely, the-husband-is-always-wrong, maybe-you-need-the-jesus texts.
The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work If you would like, I have an extra copy of this and could send it to you for free.
For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage
Here is a good book on relationship conflict
Summary here
I did a search on Amazon for books about Introverts. These two seem to be the popular ones (although neither one is as popular as Quiet):
https://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Advantage-People-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695
https://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Power-Inner-Hidden-Strength/dp/1402280882
Both of these are written by people with degrees (presumably in psychology), and they both reference "energy" in their summaries. Introvert Advantage even predates Quiet by a decade. It was published in 2002, so it might have been on the forefront of shifting the popular definition from "asocial" to "loses energy". I suspect that while they probably reference "energy", it's probably still more nuanced than today's popular definition gives it credit for. I think these books are also worth putting on my reading list. (Or at least, Introvert Advantage is. It shows up in almost every "customers also bought" section for every other book about Introverts.)
I also found this on Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Energy_(psychological) (Although admittedly, it's Wikipedia, so it's a secondary source at best.) But it suggests that psychology has a separate concept of "energy" that's not physical energy. I can sort of see this. I'm in a much better mood when I get a lot of alone time, and I'm in a really bad mood when I have to be in a social situation for extended periods of time. But honestly, whether I'm in a bad mood because I don't enjoy socialization, or whether I don't enjoy socialization because it puts me in a bad mood isn't really an interesting distinction.
One of the most progressive minds focused specifically on addiction that I've discovered belongs to Dr. Gabor Mate, and there are numerous, profoundly insightful and amazing lectures of his available to watch online.
Alternately, his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts is in my (addicted) opinion one of the most important books on addiction ever written.
Hope this was helpful. My heart goes out to you and your friend.
That's roughly the theme of Dr. Gabor Maté's book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts".
Link on Amazon
I haven't read it but I've heard good things about it from people who have.
Yea, I just got home. I'm bored, mini rants incoming.
When I first heard of The Four Agreements, I was in detox back in 09 or something. And this tweaker chick kept going manic. She'd be happy/sad/angry/empty... just over and over. She was throwing chairs, and freaking out, but she kept telling me to read that book. So I had to, because she had excellent chair throwing skills. It was a great read, ... very very interesting take on spirituality but it is pretty applicable. It's a feel good philosophy warrior book thing.
The Power of Now. I had what AA would call a "spiritual awakening" and it really wasn't much like a burning bush, but A LOT like this guy talks about in this book. When I was about to kill myself with a teener of dope, I had this very very strange experience where I couldn't identify with myself anymore. .. "Who is this person that wants to die so badly?... Who am I?" It really changed things. The power of now was the most powerful thing I've read.
The New Earth is pretty interesting. I have to disagree with some points, because traditionally, you can't really get rid of the ego. The ego is necessary to survive. But it's interesting. It's worth a read, especially someone stuck in a facility with only their remorse and addiction to keep them company.
I personally LOVE Gabor Mate. This guy deals with the most tragic cases of addiction in Vancouver, and he's a neurologist and he has some pretty good insights on addiction. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's partly where I came up with my flair.
Rational Recovery was another I would suggest. It's a lot like those Allen Carr Easy Way to Quit Smoking. But the basic idea is disassociation from the "Addictive Voice". That it's not ME that wants to get high, but my addiction. That shit rocked my world when I learned it, and I immediately integrated it into my first step in Narcotics Anonymous.
EDIT, Rational Recovery, and Jack Trimpey are VERY AGAINST 12 step ideology. He HATES IT, and he hates the God idea. I get that, but I cannot and will not deny the therapeautic value of one addict helping another. Nothing compares. Even Bill W. in AA wrote about it in his memoirs and grapevines and the Big Book. "When all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic saved the day."
Tao de Ching really helped me. Although it may be missattributed, the whole "Living in the Past is living in depression, living in the future is living in anger and fear, living in the now is living in peace."
So, as you can see, I really like the "now" concept, but it's helped me stay clean and be happy about it. Non-fiction would probably be great too. But these are very spiritual new agey ideas.
This reminds me, I need to read The Spirituality of Imperfection.
THE MOST IMPORTANT BOOKS THOUGH:
I highly recommend the NA Basic Text, and I love the Step Working Guide.
Read like, the first page of each of these books.
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Elite-C-Wright-Mills/dp/0195133544/
http://www.amazon.com/Corporation-Pathological-Pursuit-Profit-Power/dp/0743247469/
http://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X/
http://www.amazon.com/Globalization-Addiction-Study-Poverty-Spirit/dp/0199588716/
Look at how many people voted in 2014.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/12/opinion/the-worst-voter-turnout-in-72-years.html?_r=0
http://bipartisanpolicy.org/library/2012-voter-turnout/
"Some 93 million eligible citizens did not vote."
http://www.nonprofitvote.org/documents/2013/09/america-goes-to-the-polls-2012-voter-participation-gaps-in-the-2012-presidential-election.pdf
Look at dem numbers.
You are the next generation. Great tv series, btw. You are part of the hope that casts a light upon the world.
https://openlibrary.org/
Also, sorry, skimmed through your post history to perhaps glean what ails you, but perhaps your anxiety/stress stemming from these surrounding issues are increasing the occurrence of a lack of proper airflow/air intake during sleep, and disrupting the process of healing that's supposed to occur during the night, leading to long-term damage to your heart?
Your parents love you for a reason, and you shouldn't feel that resources or money are even a factor in their considerations. They love you, period, and you'll have plenty of time to repay your family/society/whoever you want just through the act of living well.\
Also, there's a lot of technology coming around the corner where organ fabrication/replacement/etc. is going to be a very common/real thing, but that's not to say that you can't still work with your doctor to mitigate symptoms/risks for now.
Take care, friend. Life is a strange journey indeed, but it can be rewarding if you let it be.
Edit: I would say that it's a nice poem, but I cannot agree that the best way to get back at those you feel have slighted you is to cease one's own existence. That would be tantamount to a full surrender. You still have some fight left in you, don't you? Fighting back is the best way to give the bird to all the turds.
> The people that act like people are bad for having physical beauty standards, the ones that act entitled to attractive people who are in shape,
I mean yeah fuck all that.
>the ones that shun all good advice when it comes to dieting
Another characteristic of addiction. You think they don't know that they should be eating healthier? You think a junkie doesn't know that heroin is slowly killing them? Changing a bad habit is hard enough, and when it's also physically addictive it fucks with your brain in a way that makes you justify it to maintain your self image.
I mean, yeah, "stop eating fatty foods" is good advice, and so is "don't shoot heroin," but it's literally not that easy, and it doesn't do anyone any good to pretend that it is.
>I'm fucking tired of hearing about their problems that are absolutely easy to address.
This right here makes me think you need to read a psychology book, or anything at all about addiction. I'd recommend In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts - it focuses on drugs, but as the author notes, the same patterns are present with any kind of addiction, including overeating.
This idea is the crux of Gabor Mate's book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, a fascinating look into the correlation between early nurturing and addiction/abuse.
While it can be easy to see abusers and "junkies" as degenerates who are suffering the repercussions of their own poor decisions, a closer look often reveals that compassion, not judgement, is needed.Many people end up using out of desperation, searching for some solace in a life of poverty,abuse, and loneliness. To pretend like those from drug-addicted, abusive homes have significant "free choice" in the matter--similar to a white, suburban college kid "saying no" to drugs at a frat party--is absurd.
A life free of substance abuse is not necessarily something to be commended for, but rather something for which to give thanks: you have likely been dealt a hand relatively devoid of desperate circumstances.
I highly recommend anyone interested in addiction check out In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate, a physician who works with hardcore addicts at Vancouver's safe injection site.
http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Recovery-Spiritual-Healing-Addiction/dp/0471442615
http://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X
http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Addiction-Understanding-Alcoholism-Addictive/dp/0060958030/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1373397028&amp;sr=1-2&amp;keywords=lance+dodes
http://www.amazon.com/Drinking-Love-Story-Caroline-Knapp/dp/0385315546 Her recovery is 12-step based, but this is really a memoir, not a guidebook
Im reading his book In the realm of hungry ghosts right now; very interesting read if you liked what he said in the documentary. Difficult to put down, but also difficult to read sometimes based on the subjects he discusses and the case studies he recalls.
Good observations. Thanks for sharing. I definitely noticed a shift in my perspective on air travel after practicing. My teacher mentioned the same thing. Long plane rides are an excellent opportunity to practice, like driving, but with even less need for conscious attention to any particular activity.
Regarding dating, it's useful to evaluate what draws you to it. That's something I've observed and questioned closely after beginning to date shortly after becoming separated and then proceeding through a divorce. Spurred on by metta? What do you mean by that exactly? I found that David Deida's The Way of the Superior Man provided a useful perspective on remaining purposeful and path-oriented (whatever that means to you) in the face of dating relationships, using those relationships as a chance to practice unconditional love, fearlessness, and freedom.
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=nodl_
And thank you, I really hope things run their course and our relationship gets to where it finally needs to be.
Buy and read this book, "The Way of the Superior Man"
https://www.amazon.ca/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576
When we say love we are actually talking about three differentiable but overlapping phenomena.
a) honeymoon emotions(e.g butterflies in stomach, complete infatuation, etc...)
b) sexual polarization - Ever have the urge to just take her and have your way with her? Is the feeling mutual?
c) "oneness" - Ever have sympathy pains? Is your state of mind mirrored in her state of mind and viceversa? Just another way of saying empathy I suppose, this is the same love you share with a child or any "loved one".
In western culture we get the message that love = "honeymoon emotions" but that is a temporary stage in a relationship. This can be confusing. But you also have to ask yourself how are you doing in the other two departments? Is the sex good? Are you guys in "sync"?
-written by proxy for David Deida
Be true to yourself.
She and the kids are a package deal; stay if you love them, leave if you don't.
Do not stay due to a sense of duty.
Buy and read this book; it explains why your situation makes you feel bad, and what to do about it.
Read The Way of the Superior Man or other similar material.
You are a total beta Brad. Your wife doesn't respect you, you don't respect yourself. You have to pull yourself together whether you get divorced or whether you stay together. So start now.
Prioritize doing what you need to do to achieve your potential starting now. If she leaves along the way, so be it. But there is no reason for you to wait to become the man you can become.
Exercise daily. For an hour. No matter what. Lift. Run. Both. Really.
Meditate, go talk to a therapist/counselor. Both. Really. This is a really great starting place. [So is this.] (http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl-ebook/dp/B009U9S6FI/ref=zg_bs_12621_25).
What is the meaning of life? The universe doesn't give a shit. So go make your own meaning. Really. Make your own meaning--create something you can lay on your death bed and be proud of which made the world a better place for others.
Be the man. Make this your mantra. Be the man. Be the man. Get off your arse and go make the life of your dreams come true. Good luck.
Your marriage will succeed or it will fail, either outcome might be good or it might be bad--and will most certainly be both in some respects. But stop with the fear and uncertainty and go create your best reality. The rest will take care of itself.
lol, it's NOT a pick up book. "Don't judge a book by it's cover". :)
Go to Amazon and you'll see it's on their best books for 2014. Here's the overview:
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1418250592&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy
> Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The O'Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show. Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.
It very specifically deals with anger and frustration, and WHY guys get like that. It helped me tremendously with my past anger issues.
As a follow up, you may want to check out this book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=pd_cp_b_2
You might check out The Way of the Superior Man It has quite a bit of relationship advice that worked for us for a few years. We did finally divorce, but this book and others by David Deida did help us when we were going through some real struggles as we made our way out and had 2 more kids. I think reading Deida also helped us communicate during and after the divorce even. It just overall improved our communication.
Edited to add: 20th Anniversary Edition
Intimate Communion is good too, but I wouldn't read it without reading the other one first.
I typed a long reply but I'm not sure I want to deal with the negative comments that would ensue. If you are genuinely troubled by this dynamic and love your SO, check out this book and see if it rings true for you.
This book helped me understand woman more.
Guy here. You might want to read Way of the Superior Man. Yes, it's for guys, but I know some women who've read it and liked it. In a nutshell, he talks about feminine energy and masculine presence. They attract and need each other. So if a woman is wondering what she contributes besides sex appeal, energy might be the answer.
I think of it like dancing. The man leads and sets the frame, but the woman provides the energy and flash that makes good dancers look like lovers in ecstasy.
Also, David Deida has another book called It's A Guy Thing: A Owner's Manual for Women. I haven't read it but have heard good things.
These are some great books I've read recently:
Influence: Psychology of Persuasion. How salespeople use psychology tricks on you.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/006124189X?psc=1&amp;redirect=true&amp;ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00
Power of now. The present moment is the only thing that exists. Very deep book and not too hard to get through.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0340733500?psc=1&amp;redirect=true&amp;ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00
Psycho-cybernetics. A book about psychology, more about improving your self-image and confidence.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0671700758?psc=1&amp;redirect=true&amp;ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00
Think and grow rich. A good book that will motivate you to work harder.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1906465592?psc=1&amp;redirect=true&amp;ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00
Way of the superior man. Great book on relationships with women and what it means to be a man.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1591792576?psc=1&amp;redirect=true&amp;ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o07_s00
Mediations by Marcus Aurelius, nearly 2000 year old book! Great wisdom in here but I'd read some of these other books first. Make sure you get this version (Gregory hays translation) if you do buy the book, as apparently it has the best translation.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Meditations-Marcus-Aurelius/dp/0753820161/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1425294467&amp;sr=1-3&amp;keywords=meditations
So true, haha!
highly recommend this book which helped me learn to deal with that craziness: http://www.amazon.com/The-Way-Superior-Man-Challenges/dp/1591792576
fair warning: its kinda out there at times, but still good stuff.
David Deida's The way of the superior man is supposed to be a classic.
No one with any sense wants to get into "the game," because what after all is the prize? You don't want to be a pick up artist, right? For what?
But, women are attracted to certain things -- and strangely enough, it's not what the bullshit love songs and Hallmark cards would have you believe. They're attracted to masculinity, which is not the same as being a jerk. However, jerks do a good job of simulating strong backbone, single-mindedness, and self-assuredness -- knowing what you want and going after it.
Do yourself a favor. Read The Way of the Superior Man. It's not a pickup artist's book. It's a book about what the modern man needs to know, and what, sadly, the modern world leaves him ignorant of.
-------
Edit: Oh, and one more thing. Listen to this podcast episode. The show is called "The Chick Whisperer." The host is part of the pickup artist community, but he's perhaps the most normal and sensible among them. I'm not giving my endorsement (big deal -- who am I, after all) of the entire show, but this particular episode, Episode 10, with guest Sebastian Drake, is priceless. Seriously.
You can find it here, if you have iTunes.
If you don't have iTunes, you can get an MP3 download here.
You won't be disappointed. It's free.
Hey there buddy, I think this is an excellent question. I've researched it myself and found that THIS is supposedly a very good source of information. It's on my nightstand although I haven't read it yet.
To men out there who want to find a woman? Try understanding yourself first. Highly recommend The Way of the Superior Man which I am reading right now and has taught me to better respect and honor my fiancee for our differences.
Namely, between feminine and masculine which does not necessarily coincide with gender.
You should check out this book, seems like a lot of this may be going on:
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
I'm saying don't move out first, actually. Transition anyway... just be prepared to move out.
Also, I recommend the these books, they'll help you:
https://www.amazon.com/Queer-Transgender-Resilience-Workbook-Orientation-ebook/dp/B06XGCK1SQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?keywords=transgender+resilience+workbook&amp;qid=1565724794&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=transgender+res&amp;sr=8-5
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive-ebook/dp/B019MMUA8S/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+f---+mark+manson&amp;qid=1565724839&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=the+subt&amp;sr=8-2
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=asc_df_1626251703/?tag=hyprod-20&amp;linkCode=df0&amp;hvadid=312130960442&amp;hvpos=1o1&amp;hvnetw=g&amp;hvrand=13704884949090517083&amp;hvpone=&amp;hvptwo=&amp;hvqmt=&amp;hvdev=m&amp;hvdvcmdl=&amp;hvlocint=&amp;hvlocphy=1026201&amp;hvtargid=aud-801381245258:pla-347358731227&amp;psc=1
They'll help you do what you need for yourself without apologizing or letting others control you.
>We all walk around with a huge "SHOULD" floating above us, casting a cloud over everything we do. Everyone has one-- some are bigger and more awful than others. It comes from childhood.
>
>It's a simple matter of reaching up there, grabbing it, and pulling it down. Inner governments are even more fragile and made up than outer governments.
I was going for a guillotine suicide joke but that works too
> If I can't help you, maybe Lindsay Gibson can.
Ill look for a pdf(Although there are definitely other factors at play here)
> I had a long road to recovery (from what I thought was depression)
Good you got better
Parent-child love can often involve loving each other, but not liking each other. It's what happens when you know someone so deeply.
How do you think your parents will react if you decide to stay in Australia? You should be prepared to answer some tough questions about how you intend to support yourself.
Toxic Parents
Emotional Blackmail
Susan Forward is the person who came up with the concept of the FOG, if I remember correctly, and she writes about it a lot in Emotional Blackmail, which isn't explicitly about BPD but does touch on the tactics used by all abusers and manipulators. It's really useful if you want to know more about FOG on its own.
>Basically he's of the camp that insists there's something sacred about marriage defined as only between one male and one female. It's a foundamental rule of the universe that the human society must uphold for its own good.
There isn't anything universal or fundamental to monogamy in the first place.
Ever read "Sex at Dawn?"
>a) marriage is a religious matter; this is at the forefront,
Not in the US. Not in many places. Many people get married without any religious elements at all. You would be coorrect only if you said "marriage is a religious matter for many people.
>b) marriage is a social matter; we like monogamy. Much as there are people out there who say other wise, it's true. We "slut shame" because the idea of people fucking freely is wrong to us as people.
Objection! Assumes facts not in evidence. Cf.
>It's evolution, both social and biological, we like to settle down. It's why so many of us are quick to marry young, and why mothers judge you on "why aren't you married yet?"
Do you really want to bring in the ridiculous social Darwinism bullshit? Please trust me, you do NOT want to. Mothers do that because they have evolved biologically to be driven by perpetuation of their genes.
>c) and most importantly for these arguments, marriage is a political matter; marriage is the binding of two families that has, through the ages, itself evolved into an important legal venture of combined assets, power of attorney, and especially in the case of gay marriage versus domestic partnership, the ability to actually be in the hospital room with your spouse.
Well, yes. Up until recently in the west and to this day in the east a dowry is essential to marry off a daughter. Until very recently a married woman could not get a credit card in her own name. She was legally subservient to her husband, she was chattel.
Don't get me wrong - I am in favor of marriage equality. What I object to is overly simplistic, under-informed argument about it.
Humans haven't always been monogamous (and I would argue that we still aren't). Our mating practices used to (and in some cultures still do) more closely resemble those of our nearest cousins, the bonobos and chimps. That is, when humans were all still small bands of hunter-gatherers, their sexual relationships used to consist of many sexual partners. Or in other words, everyone had sex with everyone, thus the question never arose whether a specific mate might qualify as desirable enough. For further reading, I suggest this fascinating book titled "Sex at Dawn".
Read this book and get over it.
I haven't got to it yet, but I understand Sex At Dawn has some interesting postulates on human sexuality.
That being said, I don't care as long as everyone is adult and consenting. Monogamy, open relationships, swingers, polyamory, etc. It's all good. I know people in each type of relationship and they're all very happy.
Bonobos love sex and will have it with any other bonobo just as a show of affection or for pure pleasure. They're very friendly. It bothers me when people point to Apes as proof of our war-like nature, when really we're more like bonobos.
To the OP, Sex at Dawn is a really great book recently published on human sexuality and its origins. Has a nice chapter on bonobos.
My favorite source for this: Sex at Dawn
Note that there's a number of things in that book that are controversial and/or still being debated, but I think for the most part it's pretty spot on, particularly in the sexual behaviors of ancient people.
Read this: Sex_at_Dawn
Check out /r/polyamory and read about people who are practicing ethical nonmonogamy. It can be a lot of fun if you do this as a way of enhancing trust and love, rather than telling yourselves that your natural biochemistry is a sign that you love each other somehow less.
Oh, and communicate, communicate, communicate! with your man. No "don't ask, don't tell"s unless you are both certain that it is the best choice for you.
And if you want to read a great book that will help you to quell some of that old-school social narrative scare tactic about sex and monogamous, committed love being inextricably tied, then read Sex At Dawn.
Being in love doesn't stop most people from needing sexual novelty. Needing sexual novelty doesn't stop people from being in love unless they try to crush that need under a mountain of guilt and denial.
You're very welcome! By the way: you or your friend will have a craving to watch the movie Chicago immediately after reading "Girls of Murder City." If you want to make the package complete, toss in a copy of that right under it to prevent this egregious calamity before it happens! :D
EDIT: Also, if you want to read the chapter about prehistoric sex that Jared Diamond forgot to include in Guns, Germs, and Steel, then "Sex at Dawn" is a fantastic read — and, IMHO, it's more humorously written. :)
I've struggled with this in LTRs. It's common.
On this topic, I cannot recommend Sex At Dawn enough. It's a fascinating exploration of how human sexuality, both in terms of physiological urges and expectations, has evolved. It does a great job of cutting down the usual "men evolved to want to spread their seed, women want a protector for their bay-bees; Venus vs. Mars" story and offering some compelling (and personally much more comprehensible) explanations of who we are sexually and how we came to be that way.
You should read Sex at Dawn. It is a pop-sci book about sex in pre-agricultural societies (and how it operated nothing like most people imagine it did).
This book Crucial-Conversations will give you a lot of help in having that conversation and keeping it from derailing.
Great work! Reading through your post, the first thing I thought of was Crucial Conversations. (Not a sales pitch, I'm just a business owner that read the book and has gotten a lot of good use from it) I've had to have several difficult talks with people... some personal and some professional. I would highly recommend reading this, it will reinforce the stuff you already navigated pretty well, from what I gather. This won't be the last hard talk you have to have as a business owner, and this book really does a good job of going through how to approach those.
Well sometimes you have to just chill and let things be for awhile. I would suggest working on yourself for a period of time. You can look at these situations and try to see your part in them, where did you go wrong, what could you have done differently, what different actions could you have taken that may have led to a different outcome?
I've done this myself for years and it's helped me deal with difficult relationships. Asking those types of empowering questions can often unlock parts of our behavior that we were previously blind to or didn't realize their effects on other people.
I used to blindly react to people. I was very much in a mode of trigger/response and sometimes my reactions would deeply hurt or offend the other person and when I'd try to repair the damage, often it was just too late and they were done with me. Years later I was able to revisit many of these relationships (as part of the recovery process in AA) and make amends to these people.
These amends are not about me accepting 100% blame for what went wrong....not at all. But as they say, "It takes 2 to tango" which means that I had a part to play in things going to shit and I need to take responsibility for my part, apologize where needed, and clean up my side of the street.
All of this is done without any expectation of response from the other party and very often in AA we hear stories of people doing this and the other party still doesn't forgive, still doesn't want anything to do with the other person and still wants to fight. However we do the amends for us so that WE can let go of our part knowing we did the best we could to repair the situation.
If I've done this properly, I can forgive myself for not being perfect, for being only human (not superhuman) and go on with my life knowing that I've done the best I could to repair a bad situation. Sometimes this has actually lead to some really cool things happening with these relationships and a healing on both sides. It's quite an amazing thing to watch unfold but again, I can't have any expectation of cool shit happening or I'll get pissed if cool shit doesn't happen and that's NOT why I making the amends. I'm making the amends for me....because I want to be happy, joyous and free and I simply can't be if I've got unresolved shit in my life.
If you're looking for some additional resources here's a book that approaches it from a non-AA stand point. The book is all about learning techniques for resolving conflict in a healthy way. Very often this isn't taught in schools and people don't know these techniques but they can be learned.
Hope that helps and I wish you all the best.
There’s a few people recommending Dale Carnegie here, but in this situation I feel “Crucial Conversations” is more appropriate, more up-to-date and worth reading regardless.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/
I got a lot out of this one:
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
I'm very happy that you took something useful from what I said, and I'm glad to have helped in any way. You're a good person and deserve to be happy, and you're a strong and self-aware person who is capable of making the changes you need to. I believe in you.
I have heard tales of the problems with religious therapists in the states, and I sympathize. If you have extra cash floating around, there's a therapist up here in Canuckistan that, as far as I know, is willing to take international clients via Skype. If you don't have extra cash I might recommend the books Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and (depending on how severe the behavior of relatives are) Stop Walking on Eggshells, both of which talk about how to recognize and establish boundaries amidst a whole bunch of other work on learning healthy relationship habits and coping mechanisms, self-parenting, etc. Cheaper than therapy and almost as good.
I am glad you found what I had to say so valuable, and I hope it continues to be helpful to you.
I suggest reading this book on nonviolent communication. Some of the ideas may be helpful in having a more empathic conversion with your husband and understanding each other's needs.
http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034
In addition to the books you recommended, I would add "Nonviolent Communication". It has been a huge help in improving the communication between me and my fiancée.
When people are upset they usually just want empathy and understanding. That's why it's advised that when a friend comes to you with an issue, you should first and foremost actively listen and not try to go into advice mode, as well-intentioned as it may be. The reason I'm mentioning this is because that's probably what she wants, or at the least what she needs (and its not just women, everyone wants and needs this).
You obviously have no ill intentions, and you're in a very frustrating situation and getting the shaft in a lot of ways. I'm a woman and I also have problems when people are bawling (I can empathize very well, but its usually more through conversation and such). When you walk out of the room though, a lot of people will interpret that as cold indifference, shunning, disgust, etc etc. Sometimes you need to, but you don't want to do it as general practice.
There is a great widely-used book/mindset/system/whatever called [non-violent communication] (http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1405450100&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=nonviolent+communication) ([wiki link] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_communication) on it). It's about how everyone has the same basic needs, but they usually don't know how to ask for them or even recognize them. If you are confused about what your wife wants (and your relationship and yourself) it's a great tool because it shows you how to recognize, talk about, and provide/ask for whatever you guys are needing. You can ask your professor about it too; they probably have heard of it. My mom is a counselor and I'm majoring in Psychology and we both found it extremely interesting and helpful.
Well I have people in my family I love who are conservative, including my parents and brother. They've never given me shit, we have spirited debates and no one is taking shit personal. I wish it was like that everywhere, but it isn't.
I think if we started listening to one another, actually listening, you'd see a lot of this fade.
Conservatism isn't good, or evil. It's just a political philosophy. I would be a conservative if things were actually working right. That's the point, conservation. Which is really the largest problem WITH the conservative movement, things are too broken right now to conserve.
I am sure plenty of Trump supporters say, "Libtards are evil and I want nothing to do with them in my life." Matter of fact, I have seen that quite a bit.
Be careful you don't become the monster you're fighting.
I am sorry you've been wounded through this. If it makes you feel better, I feel similar to Christians. I feel totally disappointed and hurt by Christians. I grew up in a church and was surrounded by supportive, loving people who helped raise me.
Then '16 happened and some of those same decent, nice people turned and attacked me. I have known them since childhood, so yeah, it hurts a hell of a lot.
It hurts. I feel disappointed and even wounded, but I have control over my actions and sometimes, giving grace and doing the right thing is more about you, than them.
Be the change you want to see. And if you're having a hard time communicating and you want to help, but it ends up in arguments, then I'd suggest reading this. It's short and will change your life.
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
Hey. Communication. Mon couple n'a pas marché parce que nous étions des gens fondamentalement différents, mais en soit, il a marché autant qu'il le pouvait. Et ce, parce que quand il y avait une ambiance, on était capable de s'asseoir et de parler, ou juste de parler. En exposant ses besoins et ses craintes, et ainsi de suite.
Si t'as la foi, je te recommande Non-violent communication.
I used to be the same way, but a technique called nonviolent communication (or compassionate communication) literally changed my life. It's basically about getting to the heart of what's bothering you—the real issue behind the issue—and suggesting improvements in a way that doesn't come across like an accusation and facilitates a real dialogue.
Here are some resources you can look at to learn more:
NVC Overview
A book about NVC (I can't recommend this enough.)
Feelings and Needs lists (These will make more sense once you learn more about the technique, but they're basically lists that help you identify and articulate how you're feeling and what the real issue is.)
You are in no way, shape, or form the worst wife in the world. Try to have more compassion for yourself. I wish you the best of luck.
I'm not in your situation so I probably can't tell you what to do. I can just share what helped me. First of all, I was in a place where I wanted change really badly. Like really badly. I was upset with my life, my relationships and just my outlook and decided it had to change. I read a lot and I asked a lot of questions and worked at it. Eventually, I read three books which helped change the way I approached everyday things, and specifically relationships.
They were
http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
http://www.amazon.com/True-Love-Practice-Awakening-ebook/dp/B004SII6JWe
http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523
But yeah, definitely not a quick fix.
A lot of people are really turned off by the "spiritual" aspects of the third book. I don't understand that, when I read it it just seemed like an practical way to go about living your life and not religious at all. All three of these books offer physical activities, like very basic "an idiot could do this" things that make you better at listening, especially the first two, which is what I was looking for. And the suggestions they gave definitely worked. If you only read one, I would read the second one for your situation. It's not as "Buddhist" as it seems.
What I eventually learned: Listening and being present is really hard first of all. Your mind wants to jump in all the time and pick apart, dissect and analyze... And then there is the other part of your mind that wants to react, like "Oh she said this, that's not right." Once you get there though, you're just calm and it's a great thing because you can always go back, and people just tend to relax around you more.
I'm going to let go of "it's unfalsifiable because it's true" and point out that you're disproving your own argument. Humanity solved certain contagious diseases. Individual cancers. Filth in some places. Nutrition, except for the obesity, overfishing, and hygene aspects of it. And to continue, some problems of war and poverty. Especially poverty; there is much more class mobility than there was in the Middle Ages, when wealth was either inherited or stolen. War is especially intractable because the technology for implementing it so far outstrips the technology for preventing it, but I figure that any two nations (heck, any two individuals) that enjoy peaceful relations have figured out how to solve their differences nonviolently. One or two decent psychologists have taken a shot at the problem and I think we ought to be able to transfer the findings like we do with any other issue. We often don't because anger is a seductive state, derision can be pleasurable to people who are good at it, and force is eminently persuasive in its way. But so are kindness, praise, and diplomacy, and it would be worthwhile to think of war as yet another partially solved problem rather than an innate human need, given equal evidence of either.
Learn to talk, and how to see their perspective (this is a must read for everyone who is in any way a professional):
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B003WEAI4E
Recently I started also reading some books from McKinsey. Super great stuff. What I love about them is they really emphasise how to structure your thoughts, separate yourself from ideas, and to do what's best for the project.
https://www.amazon.com/McKinsey-Way-Ethan-Rasiel/dp/0070534489/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_i=0070534489&amp;pd_rd_r=YBVH0X91FMM7TK9XSYG5&amp;pd_rd_w=AJ3XR&amp;pd_rd_wg=8J07f&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=YBVH0X91FMM7TK9XSYG5
https://www.amazon.com/McKinsey-Engagement-Powerful-Efficient-Effective/dp/0071497412
Finally, some of your trouble might be that they're questioning your "strategy". They might be right!
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Strategy-Bad-Difference-Matters/dp/0307886239
EDIT: one more actually, and this is NOT a must read, but for some of us... it can be. Some of us need to learn how to get over ourselves:
https://www.amazon.com/Ego-Enemy-Ryan-Holiday/dp/1591847818
Well, it just so happens that I have a list prepared to tweet out—figured I'd share here as well :)
How to Win Friends & influence People
Never Eat Alone
The E-Myth Revisited
Jab, Jab, Jab, Right Hook
Tribes
Linchpin
A Whole New Mind
The Neatest Little Guide to Stock Market Investing
The millionaire Next Door
Cashflow Quadrant
Why We Want you to be Rich
Drive
Rework
The 4 Hour Work Week
Entreleadership
Thou Shalt Prosper
Driven
How to Get Ideas
The Go-Giver
Yup! They are super simple and useful. If you are interested in that book, I would definitely check out this book.
So far, it is my favorite book on social etiquette!
This is a classic: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People-ebook/dp/B003WEAI4E
Not perfect, but it's a good start.
Two great books on this very topic, but the short answer is you have the best chance to change someone's mind when they see you as someone "on their side" or in their group/tribe. If they perceive you as someone from the "opposition" then they will get defensive and no amount of convincing, facts, or persuasion is likely to have an impact on their point of view.
The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0052FF7YM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003WEAI4E/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Pretty much the standard when it comes to social interaction is How to Win Friends and Influence People
You are a Bad ass is another self help book that you maaay be interested in
JBP can be a bit divisive to people but I think this book is worth a look too.
This actually works, don't tell the libs
Take a day or two an read, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie
Thank you! No, I don't.
I'm learning by describing my experience like everyone else here.
This helped me tremendously:
http://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH/videos
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism-ebook/dp/B0030MQJMS/
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/
I can sympathize with this mindset. I'd highly recommend picking up [No More Mr. Nice Guy] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004C438CW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&amp;btkr=1). [This post] (https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/2mwfgz/text_no_more_mr_nice_guy_detailed_notes_on_how_to/) is a fairly good summary to give you an idea. I'm still working through the book myself; classes just wrapped up so I can finally really tackle my reading list.
>anything is better than being alone though
I disagree. If you're hanging around genuinely shitty people, I think you'd be better off alone for a while. In that regard, you could work on self-improvement and get yourself to the point where you are what you provide to people (good people) and you don't have to give them any goods or services in order to be liked in return. Does that make sense? I'm not trying to sound like an asshole but I used to be exactly where you are and that last line resonated. PM me if you want to chat about things
You should pick up a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's got a lousy title - it's not about becoming a jerk. It's really about ceasing to be that "nice guy" always putting your needs last to prove that you aren't one of those evil men.
>Her last LTR was very controlling, so she always tries to gauge whether I'll try to control her
That is a lie told to men who see disrespectful behavior and instead of bailing, they try to make her stop. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. This was not a shit test. Shit test is also known as compliance/fitness test from book Married Man Sex Life Primer. This was blatant disrespect and if you're not married you should demote her to a plate, ie start dating other women. If you live together, start looking for a place.
You think this is overreaction on my part? You need to look at what she does, NOT what she says.
You are obviously new and did not read the books listed in Married Red Pill sidebar. I know you hate reading books, you were whining about it in your post history. At least read The Best of Rational Male - Year One. No more mr nice guy is also very short. You could read that in less than a day and that's a real eye opener.
I agree with some newbies who are whining here about others calling them faggots, etc. It wasn't like that back in the day and it makes it harder for men to actually get the message but mods condone it so it goes. The sidebar though is not calling you a fag and it was created with the idea of helping men. It certainly has helped me in my marriage as it has helped many others. If you're going to ignore the many useful replies, at least do not ignore the sidebar.
Copied and reposted from my comment further up the thread:
Let's cut through the vague descriptions from internet strangers and link you to the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1539103996&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr.+nice+guy
TLDR: It's not your fault that you have "nice guy syndrome," but being a "nice guy" isn't actually "nice" for you or the people you're around. Once you deal with it, you'll be happier with yourself, you'll interact with others in a more authentic way (which they'll appreciate) and you'll be more attractive.
I'm know I'm late to the party, but I'll share a brief story.
A few years ago I went on a weekend trip with some really close friends (we were 2 guys and 3 girls). We rented a cabin in a warm town, went to the pool,went for drinks, nice trip overall.
During a game (some dices with tasks to do to other players, just not the spicy ones), one of my friends got tasked with complimenting me. After a minute of thinking she told me I'm a nice guy. I wasn't sure why but I felt offended at that and it stuck in my head for a while.
After some thought and research, I found the book No More Mr Nice Guy (100% recommend it if you feel you are nice to people and don't get recognition for that).
Basically, sometimes when I thought I was been "nice", I was been manipulative from other's perspective. I expected others to return the favor and be nice to me without me making that clear; in my head there was a sort of contract between us after I did something for them, but only in my head. It seems like it should be common sense that I want others to be nice to me; but common sense is the least common of senses.
It's possible to be too nice. Offering help to people makes them feel indebted, which some don't like, and if I'm not clear what I expect in return, it can also make them uncomfortable. I used to go out of my way to find ways to help others, particularly if it was a girl I like, and didn't understand why they didn't like me back. I now know that being nice and feeling attracted to someone are not mutually inclusive; and people can resent you if you don't communicate properly what is it you want from them. Getting mad at other for not understanding doesn't help either.
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From the book I learned that being nice and trying to fix other people's live so they'd like me are very different things. You cannot make others happy, you can only make yourself happy and share your happiness with others. Tough in all honesty, it still takes some effort to put into practice. Pay more attention to becoming a happy person, you can attract more people into your life.
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I'm not sure if my situation is close or not to yours, but the lesson is you can still be nice while also paying less attention to being nice to others and instead being nice to yourself first.
No doubt this isn't going to be emotionally/spiritually easy, but logistically it's a total cinch! in my case, I had to continue to communicate with my STBXW because we have a 2 year old daughter. it was fucking hell for a long time, until I finally let go. in my case, my STBXW is (in her words) mostly gay, and it dating a woman. I happen to think that she rationalizing it by using the word mostly because of how society and her mother tells her she needs to be, but that aside, I made it. I'm here. I'm OK. This is after feeling like I was literally having a heart attack every day/night. The only thing that kept me from stepping in front of a city bus and turning my computer off for good was my little daughter. Even time with her was murder, because I felt so very alone with her because she reminded me of what (I thought) I had fucked up (my marriage). After time had passed, my STBXW started communicating again, and the truth came to pass. I began to let go. I began really really bonding with my daughter in a way I never had before. My love for my daughter grew deep and strong, and in a way the love I have for my STBXW transformed into a deep respect for her being finally honest with herself and honest with me.
Now? I love waking up and going to my job and I look forward to my days with my little girl, and the family time me and my STBXW have carved out for the three of us. Will I have my weak days? Yes. We all do. Will this flow I'm feeling last? No. It never does.
My point isn't to bore you with my story. My point is your road to feeling like this seems much less treacherous and difficult versus the one I walked/am walking. That's not to minimize what you're feeling. I know you're hurting. It hurts like fucking hell to think that you are missing out on true love ever lasting and all that tripe that the greeting card industry sell us.
Go no contact. Eat well. Go to the gym. Leave her alone, and if I were you, I would refuse dinners/fake dates/movie nights/cuddling. You're on your own now. Enjoy it and build yourself back into the man that some lovely woman out there is looking for. She's there somewhere, but you've got a huge blind spot right now in the shape of your STBXW that you have to clear out.
Good luck and PM anytime if you need help. Plenty of people helped me when my divorce process started, and I'm happy to pay it forward. Trust the process and trust that it takes time to flush out the cortisol (stress hormone) and get over the toxic shame that you fucked something up. Remember, it takes two.
In the meantime, read this book.
My fav
No More Mr. Nice Guy https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_nCRIBb1TKJEZT
The Natural: How to Effortlessly Attract the Women You Want https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062089803/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_kDRIBbSN7X16R
http://www.thetaoofbadass.com
These three books changed me 180 degrees.
You should definitely check out the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It has great discussion for couples to go through. I am not finished with it yet, but it talks a lot about why men are emotionally stunted and has really opened up a lot of communication between my wife because of the questions in it.
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https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536866887&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+nice+guy
Two books that could help you figure out why you are doing this and to help stop it are:
Codependent No More.
No More Mr Nice Guy.
Part of the problem is that "nice guys" and codependents don't have good boundaries. Saying "no" is the right thing to do in many situations. The inability to say "no" gets one treated like a doormat. It is hard to stop and even years later, I still find myself being too nice or too sacrificial. So don't expect to be able to stop it with "one trick" like so many advertisements try to promote.
He sounds like one of the nice guys from this book.
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See if you can find this book at your local library. I don't like self-help books, but this one's different. I was feeling better after finishing the first chapter.
I'm European, and I was lucky enough to have the option at my university. It's worth looking in to, but if not, there are other options. I'm thinking that the jealousy you're feeling is a by-product of the anxiety, and if I were you, the latter is what I would aim at managing.
If you're open to suggestions: a book that helped me a lot in addition to therapy was Feeling Good by David Burns - it's targeted at depression, but it's extremely useful when it comes to debunking negative and unrealistic thoughts in general. Plus, it's like six bucks.
Well, I'm currently struggling with GAD right now but a few years ago I was able to manage my anxiety and end my depressive episode with therapy, daily exercise, 9 hours of sleep a night, healthy diet and meditation. I noticed that major life changes are usual triggers for worsening my GAD (change=fear=anxiety). Also, if I don't get enough sleep my anxiety gets worse (and depression slowly creeps in) and I actually become physically ill. Two weeks ago I was in the hospital for dehydration because of gastrointestinal issues. I'm pretty sure that it was cause from getting only 3-6 hours of sleep a night for months/anxiety.
Therapy and meditation helped me a lot with dealing with past mistakes. It was great to have someone listening to me talk about my issues (prior to that I didn't have anyone who understood), it helped me to develop more insight about myself, it helped me notice negative thought patterns I had and how I made myself into "victim".
I realized that I am human and therefore I will make mistakes and it's okay. Whatever happened has already happened and there's nothing I can do to change it so it doesn't make any sense to ruminate on it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was great to help me notice and change my negative thoughts.
Here a link about what is CBT: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx
And here is a link for CBT worksheets. If you don't have access to a therapist or a therapist trained in CBT you can still get the benefits of CBT by doing CBT worksheet to help you realized how distorted your thoughts are: http://psychology.tools/anxiety.html
My old therapist also had me read "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy"
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy-ebook/dp/B009UW5X4C?ie=UTF8&amp;keywords=david%20burns&amp;qid=1465227795&amp;ref_=sr_1_1&amp;s=books&amp;sr=1-1
After I did CBT, my other therapist introduced me to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helped me realize that thoughts are just thoughts. You are not your thoughts. Thoughts don't necessarily reflect reality. Even the good ones can be harmful if we are too attached to them. The best thing to is to not fuse with thoughts and feelings. Notice your thoughts but don't get attached to them (don't suppress them either). Notice your anxiety and notice where it manifest in your body (fast heart rate, headache, nausea, etc.). Give the physical sensations/emotions space but don't allow it to consume you. Always go back to awareness (this is where meditation is very useful). Procrastination/avoiding things that make you anxious will only cause more suffering and pain in the long run. You'll stay stuck.
The ACT method will not always make you feel better. That's not the point. It's about getting through the pain in order to have a more meaningful instead instead of hiding in bed. In addition, ACT puts a lot of emphasis on living life through your "values". If you live life through your values and commit to action, it doesn't matter what the outcome is because at least you are trying. You wont' feel like too much of a failure because you're working on life skills. You'll win no matter what.
Here is a pdf about more information about ACT: http://www.people.ku.edu/~tkrieshok/epsy888/act_cliff_notes.pdf
Russ Harris's book "The Happiness Trap" goes into more detail: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
The ironic thing about my GAD is that I have a lot of knowledge and I know what I need to do to get better, but I keep falling into my mind's traps. I don't talk to myself abusively like I used to (i.e. telling myself "I'm an idiot", "I'm ugly", etc.) and I'm not worried so much about things I have no control over (i.e. losing sleep over worrying about all the starving children in world, worrying about the state of the economy, etc.) But I still get caught with old thoughts, stories and feelings . They don't manifest like they used to. It's more hidden, more implicit. For example, I wake up in morning and I don't want to work. In the past, the thoughts that would filled my mind would be "I'm horrible at my job", "I'm going to get fired anyway" "Everyone is better than me" "I'm worthless". My heart would race and I would have a panic attack. Now, instead of thoughts I just have a feeling of mild dread/uncomfortable feelings, my stomach will start to hurt. I get a headache and my heart starts to race. Then I'll rationalize that I need to stay home because I don't feel well. Then I tell myself that tomorrow I will do everything I need to do. But I never do....thus begins the vicious cycle that is anxiety.
Anxiety is brilliant at disguising itself once you get past a certain point psychologically. It's incredibly deceptive and amazing at the same time. If we can just see anxiety for what is: a maladaptation of the fight-or-flight mode in situations that are not necessarily dangerous, we'll be okay.
Sorry for the long post.
Hey theunknowngamedev,
I decided to delete my prior post and start again. Suffice to say I'm in a similar situation to you having spent 14 years trying to be a gamedev and I also quit my job so I could spend more time on it. My original post talked about the same problems you face but I've now turned my thinking around.
The thing that has helped me the most is writing a private journal. Whenever I get stuck I just open up the document and start typing. I ask myself questions and then try and answer as honestly as possible. This normally leads to more questions which I answer and so on and so on... This helps massively with my state of mind.
I was inspired by a successful game developer who did the same thing and actually published his journal Amazon Book
I'd also consider whether you're suffering from depression? I tried out a self help book and it helped immensely Feeling Good. At first I was really embarrassed to be reading this kind of thing but now I can honestly tell my friends that I felt really bad and had to dig myself out of a hole.
I hope some of this helps you!
Without knowing you, and comparing what you've written to what I've experienced myself, keeping occupied is the most critical. If I don't feel like I have something to work towards, tinker on, or otherwise focus on then I'm in danger territory and I need to make sure I'm on the ball on exercise, diet, and social life. If you're tired, distracted, puzzling out something your working on and looking forward to a party or something your brain probably won't have too much extra RAM left to worry. That's how it is for me at least.
If your in school, I would definitely seek out a counselor or your university's mental health clinic, or even a close friend of yours you trust that is open and understanding that you can talk to about your issues. I've found that vocalizing what I'm worried about instead of letting it roil around in my head all day often makes it so I forget about what I was worried about. I know religion gets a bad rap on Reddit but there is a Catholic Saint by the name of St. Ignatius of Loyola who struggled with anxiety and depression in the 1500's and his strategy for battling it was to give his worries a name. By identifying exactly what it was he was worried about and talking about them, he found he could either work to reduce them, or forget about them more easily. Anyway I digress...
If you're more of a reader I would recommend this book. It's been in print since the 70's and it can really help you identify some of the tricks and habits your brain can fall into that can make you feel miserable. Its geared more towards treating depression but many of the skills are applicable to anxiety as well
Finally, please feel free to DM me if you're ever in a pinch. I'd be more than happy to let you vent or share my thoughts and often, for me, writing what I'm feeling can help me make sense of them, to name them in other words.
Adding onto books, this one provided me the greatest amount of insights. Originally published in 1980 and have been reworked recently by the author in 2012. Tremendous amount of experience in it.
Therapy is super helping me right now and definitely helped me to build up the strength to get sober. I've got my weekly appointment this afternoon and I'm eager to get to it.
I'm thrilled with Zoloft, but I realize it's not for everyone. One of the old-timers around SD, /u/seeker135, mentioned this book helped him overcome anxiety without medication. I bought it yesterday but haven't cracked it open yet...I'm still chugging through SD's favorite, This Naked Mind right now.
Just as you feel I'm not arrogant, I feel you're not cheesy. Let's go out and be the best people we can!
IWNDWYT
For sure! My therapist says that it makes all the difference. Suddenly, the narc’s actions aren’t happening to you - they become something you observe, moving away from “personal” to “objective”. I also read a book where that advised making all your interactions transactional. Go into conversation with a clear goal or outcome. This was the book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. If you live with your nmom, just buy a kindle or digital copy ;)
So...I hesitate a bit to recommend this book to you, since you've tagged the source of your feeling like "human garbage" as from active shaming your mom did, which might be caused by something else, but I feel like I could have written your post--the ever-recurring feeling of being empty/of being utterly worthless, the depression, the fierce desire to give my kids something better, the tiptoeing around parents ' feelings, esp. about anything I might feel that would upset them--and this book put it all in perspective for me: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
It was like a revelation (way more like personal revelation than anything I'd ever gotten from church!). It should have devastated me (and I won't lie, those painful feelings hit later) but in reality my first reaction was just feeling so glad to finally understand! My parents are emotionally immature! Everything they do is colored by trying to protect their own feelings & meet their own emotional needs, just like little kids do! And I'm understanding some of my struggles better, too, since turns out I'm not as emotionally mature as I'd like to be, either (since I wasn't well-taught growing up and my emotional needs weren't well-met).
Anyway, that book might not be very informative for your dynamic, but it was for mine, and the more I look around at Mormon families I know well and read stories in this sub, the more I wonder if emotional immaturity and its consequences in a family are as common as dirt in Mormonism...
Edit: sun to sub--darn autocorrect! And...trying to be more self-aware here--I can't just blame my parents for me not being emotionally mature. I'm an adult now; it's on me to figure it out and learn/become better. But I don't mind saying I didn't get much of a head start from my upbringing. :)
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a good book on the subject ( https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703 ). If you can't buy it, shoot me a PM and I can send you an ebook version.
Do whatever you can to remove yourself from that environment. Change is possible within it, but it really helps to be far from people who cause such painful feelings. It's hard to change when your defense mechanisms are at full force. Even if it's just temporarily removing yourself. Volunteer jobs and such!
Get your boyfriend this book.
As someone with two toxic parents it is very helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
I also struggled with this. Reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson right now and it has been immensely clarifying.
It's not a shock that she didn't even pay attention enough to understand the abuse by your father. It sounds like she's very emotionally immature and self-absorbed. Sounds like she's pretty abusive herself.
I would also like to point out that she actually turned the guilt back on you. It wasn't enough that you had to live that way. Now, it's your fault for not telling her and that you are a weak adult.
I actually believed the thoughts implanted in my mind by my parents that my childhood wasn't that bad because it WASN'T AS BAD as the worst case scenario. Sorry Mom, this is still pretty terrible.
I'm so sorry. i hear you. I emphathize.
I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1486193052&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=emotionally+immature+parents
I don't know if you think this would be helpful, but I really found it helpful for me.
It's kind of come out okay, with all things considered.
I've been dealing with a lot of emotional exhaustion, mostly stemming from my misadventures in securing PTSD treatment and my mum slowly disintegrating as dementia continues to do its' thing. The bonus being that none of my older siblings want to take responsibility for her as they would rather abuse painkillers or alcohol, so despite my own stresses it falls to me as the only sibling in the family who has it together. :x
I'm being stubborn about it all, though, so I'm trying to keep my head up and keep going through doctors until I can get the care I need. A good friend referred me to a doctor in the area who understands breast dysphoria and will treat me like a human being, so I'm hoping that I'll finally be able to tick that off of my list of things to resolve after so many stupid years.
The nice thing is that I've been able to get my potato juice habit under control, so I'm hoping that I'll be able to finally quit it again when I can get proper (ie, not ethanol based..) PTSD treatment. Also, I found a book - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD - which has been a huge help in putting myself back together, given the home life I grew up in. So that's kind of nice, too.
Also, happy birthday!
hugs
You may find this book helpful. I did. Your parents are emotionally immature. The church and their upbringing made them that way. When you try to get them to see reason, they can’t process it. They feel threatened or attacked. You may never have any success with that. I never have. The book I linked helped me see why my parents they are they are. It helped me resent them less. Resenting the church... that’s another story.