(Part 3) Best self-help books according to redditors
We found 62,867 Reddit comments discussing the best self-help books. We ranked the 12,192 resulting products by number of redditors who mentioned them. Here are the products ranked 41-60. You can also go back to the previous section.
44. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
86 mentions
Great product!
In one popular body language book, there is topic about handshakes. They teach you how handshake can be used to assert dominance, and how to defend against that types of handshakes. And by that I don't mean this Trump handshake, because pulling and grabbing hand like that is not even in book. That's just dick move.
EDIT: Link to book
Animation degree here. (Really dont need a degree. My professors who worked in the industry said many dont have degrees still to this day, its all about passion and skill... and being willing to work 16 hour days)
Seriously fantastic animation. All 12 principles of animation are represented.
Your bro just needs to keep uploading and making animation. Its essentially a portfolio.
Animation companies dont care if you have a degee. They want a stacked portfolio. With solid animation.
When your bro starts applying for animation jobs. Make sure he has a solid demo reel. A demo reel is only the best animation hes made compiled in on vid. Its the resume for these places. Its all about skill.
Fyi the #1 and #2 books (no particular order) for learning animation and developing it are priceless. My professors stressed these books every year. They were used in 90% of my animation classes.
This book...
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5JSgDb5GHT9WJ
And this book....
The Illusion of Life: Disney Animation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0786860707/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_OKSgDbZMMJBVE
This would make a fantastic gift for any animator
Tell your bro not to be down about it. The companies dont care about schooling. Skill and passion are all that matters.
Edit: forgot our schools favorite websites!
https://www.cartoonbrew.com/
Cartoon brew keeps animators updated on general cartoons and animation
http://www.11secondclub.com/
We got extra credit for doing the 11 second club. You got an A for that semester in one class if you could break the top animations that month. Few students did that.
Edit: thanks for gold! insert keyframe of me jumping in 80s pose
Ok, now take note of what went wrong with your drawing and try again, and again, and again. Then after a few weeks go back and compare your latest drawings to this one.
The master has failed more times then the novice has tried.
If you want some resources, here are some youtube channels:
And also some books:
You should also check out http://drawabox.com/ and https://www.ctrlpaint.com/.
Edit: Labeled the links.
Edit 2: Just in case anyone saved this post, here's a couple of youtube channels I started watching recently:
I hope things are going well for you. And remember, as long as you keep moving forward you'll get to where you want to go eventually, even if your steps aren't as big as you'd like.
As a corollary Donald J. Trump once wrote a book without having a brain. It's exhausting, but it can be done.
As a former 16 year old girl, ^^^ this is great advice.
Let her know you're disappointed that she lied, but that you want to be here for her no matter what. Promise her you won't get mad if she comes to you with anything, and then STICK with that. It'll be REALLY hard to do that when you get mad but you're raising her to be an adult, and at 16, she's nearly there. I view 16-18 y/o to be "practice runs" for adulthood. Let her make decisions, but be there with guidance and support.
Lastly, schedule a doc appointment at Planned Parenthood. When you're booking the appointment, explain the situation so they can address your concerns directly with her.
Oh, and I recommend this book to a ton of teenager girls: Taking Charge of Your Fertility because it covers a LOT of info on getting pregnant (or, in this case, NOT getting pregnant) that's not covered in health class.
This
All of your solutions involve disconnecting from her and disconnecting her from the world. You can't then turn around and expect her to happily and cooperatively work with you.
I'm phoneposting while on vacation so I'm not going to get deep into this, but let me recommend my favorite books on the subject: The Explosive Child and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
My $0.02 from personal experience. Prior to going into psychology, my previous line of work brought me to work with quite a few narcissists and a couple psychopaths. So the following is based on years of real world experience + my academic understanding of the topic. To answer your question, I'll compare some subtle differences in behavior.
 
Psychopaths: Their focus is "outward target focused" and getting what they want at all cost, even to the detriment of looking good even initially. Their behavior is more predatory, even from the very first impression. The name of the game is to find out as much information about you as possible to quickly assess if you're a good target and if so what your vulnerabilities are so they can manipulate you and proceed with their goals. They seek out a vulnerable target who is emotionally "weak" or lacking something in their life, do "recon" and get as much information as possible to find their angle, use flattery and slights to keep their target off-balance so they can control them and get what they want. In their initial assessment of you if they see that you're not giving them the information they need or that you're onto their game, you'll be too difficult and they will move on to an easier target. They won't waste their time.
What that looks like in real life:
First impressions with a psychopath: you feel a "bit off." You can't put your finger on why, but you feel a little weird and uncomfortable: it could be an initial awkward silence in them waiting for you to reveal things about yourself (recon), it could be the one-sided self-disclosure (them asking lot of questions about your life without them reciprocating on things like circle of friends, agreeableness, emotional state, your likes and dislikes), it could be the overt flattery playing to your ego and them trying too hard to be just like you, it may even be the very initial awkard non-verbal behavior (eye-contact / fake smile) as they are searching for visual cues on how to physically act / stand /or mimic your behavior to earn your trust. --> All this might make you feel like you can't trust them.
To add to this, though, quickly after, you'll observe them saying an odd phrase here or there that doesn't add up, a compliment followed by a slight directed at you or at someone else ( "Did they really said that??")... all meant to keep their target off balance and under their control. This inconsistent, flattery / insult behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and questioning yourself and also if they're a "good person." Since their main goal is not to look good but to manipulate their target, they don't care as much if they come across as likable if they can manipulate the power dynamic back into their favor.
TLDR: They don't care as much how they're being perceived, likeable or not, just as long as they get what they want, so appearing charming isn't a top goal, just part of the process.
 
Narcissists: Narcissists, in contrast, have a "self-centered focus," first and foremost, and manipulate people to get what they want second to that. They manipulate people by making themselves look good, keeping the focus on their successes, and by appealing to your sense of wanting to be in with the "cool kids." "I'm going to show you how awesome I am, and you're going to want to be just like me and work for / be friends with me and do what I say because I'm so cool." They're not going to manipulate you because they've studied you and assessed your weaknesses and are preying on your vulnerabilities, like the psychopath (=more calculated behavior). That would be taking away from the focus on them. They're going to manipulate you through showing you how great they are. And because narcissists are focused on themselves, they expect you will, too, (and you most likely will to avoid confrontation, initially) so this keeps them happy and... charming... longer. Narcissists will only lash out or exhibit ugly behavior if their ego is threatened, if the focus isn't on them, if they don't get their way, or if you get in their way.
What this looks like in real life, and why they might appear more charming longer: "Me, me, me!": Narcissists biggest focus is to look good and to keep the focus on them. As such, they know creating a good first likable impression is important so they will focus on dressing well, being well groomed, smiling, appearing pleasant, acting charming, inflating their accomplishments and their connections, and building a fabulous picture of who they are. This all makes them look charming and appeals to your sense of wanting to be in with the top dogs. Unlike psychopaths, they will talk a lot about themselves, both personally and professionally, and won't ask you hardly anything about you unless it relates to their goals. Unlike psychopaths, their focus is not trying to get information on you and figure out their angle. Their focus is on maintaining the appearance of their huge persona. To cultivate a larger than life image, they must form and maintain an entourage of beautiful and powerful people, and this requires that they act charming as much as possible.
Initially what might make you feel uncomfortable is how much they talk about themselves or how little they ask about you, and this throws your spidey sense off guard (makes you not trust them), but because you're not hearing them say horrible things to another person outright, they might seem charming longer.
TLDR: They care very much how they're being perceived. They want to be liked because that's how they create and maintain a grandiose sense of self, and being charming is an important part of this process. They won't get ugly until they absolutely have to. For all these reasons, they might appear charming longer.
 
Also, assessing what's going on in initial interactions with psychopaths or narcissists is based on awareness (or lack therof) and experience in dealing with them. For example, because I had worked with a bunch of both, I was much more attuned to the behavior and games each would play. Fellow younger grad student friends had knowledge from textbooks, but they lacked real world experience and what their behavior actually looked like in real life, so it was hard for them to see what type of manipulation was going on.
 
EDIT:
ARTICLES for those of you who asked me:
This Is How To Deal With Psychopaths And Toxic People: 5 Proven Secrets
(includes quotes by Martha Stout)
I like works by American psychologist, Martha Stout: served on clinical faculty at Harvard Med. School for 25 years and is the author of The Sociopath Nextdoor. I like her wording.
20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths Use To Silence You
7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship
I have a lot more resources on workplace bullying, etc. PM for more. :)
The Psychopath Test and The Sociopath Next Door both touch on the subject that many CEOs express psychopathic qualities or tendencies.
He's a sociopath. That's not an exaggeration. He fits the criteria for sociopath (feel free to annotate criteria with other examples)
[1] https://www.md-health.com/Sociopath-Traits.html
[2] The Sociopath Next Door https://www.amazon.com/dp/0767915828/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_vmTXBb2D1FDVD
[3] https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/donald-trump-christine-blasey-ford-testimony-maga-rally-response-60-minutes-interview-today-2018-10-14/
[4] https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-betrays-everyone-the-president-has-a-long-record-as-an-unpredictable-ally/2017/09/08/9cf64768-94a8-11e7-89fa-bb822a46da5b_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.dc7d95a65b28
[5] https://www.cnn.com/videos/tv/2015/11/26/donald-trump-mocks-reporter-with-disability-berman-sot-ac.cnn
[6] https://www-m.cnn.com/2018/09/04/politics/woodward-book-trump-charlottesville/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F
[7] https://www-m.cnn.com/2018/08/25/politics/trump-sessions-twitter-timeline/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dtrump%2Btwitter%2Battacks%26form%3DAPIPH1%26PC%3DAPPL&rm=1
[8] https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/29/business/media/trump-mika-brzezinski-facelift.html
[9] https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/341896-trump-blames-obama-administration-for-allowing-russian-lawyer-in-us#main-content
[10] http://fortune.com/2018/08/05/trump-defend-don-jr-trump-tower-meeting/
Boooom. I sell eggplant emoji vibrators: emojibator.com.
I built this in my spare time in about 30 hours and now run the business part time.
Read books. Have a idea, plan a budget, and run with it. You can figure out things along the way. Google is your friend. Be a sponge and learn everything you can.
I don't believe there's something as truly passive income, but you can get maximum output from tiny input. Lots of great books out there, one of my favs is Tim Ferriss' 4-hour work week, you can listen to his podcast to start.
How is this the top comment? He offers poor advice on grades and no advice on OP's question.
A 65 and 73 are likely equivalent to a C and C+ in your average curved course. Last time I checked, top companies have strict cut offs of at least a 3.0, and for good reason.
> I don't understand what the problem is.
It's twofold. The problem is he doesn't understand the material enough to apply his knowledge effectively. The problem is also he has shitty grades, which equals less job prospects.
>Nobody grades you in the real world, bud.
Yes, because instead of grades you get a finished product. And a 65 on a work project is the equivalent of screwing up a stress/strain analysis. And when you fuck up people die.
OP-you're likely not studying efficiently and/or effectively. Look at Cal Newport's blog and books. He has some great advice on how to study well. You may also want to look into some relaxation exercises as you seem to get very anxious. At the very least you should be doing practice problems until it's practically second nature.
How to win friends and influence people seems to be the gold standard of self help books.
I don't know if I would recommend The Game for it's positives, merely because when you're constantly surrounded by a certain mindset, you do tend to pick up on those characteristics, especially when a lot of it can seem to be true, PUA works because it treats women as different, women have to be tricked into sex etc, and in highschool the opposite sex can seem like a different species, so on the surface PUA looks to be the truth, evo psych also looks nice (alpha, beta males etc) but when you delve into it, that's when you see the flaws.
The word filtering on the xkcd forum makes the conversations hilarious.
This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.
I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.
After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.
After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.
From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.
Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.
Hope it helps.
Outliers: The Story of Success - by Malcolm Gladwell
The Pragmatic Programmer - By Andrew hunt
Cracking the coding interview - Gayle Laakmann McDowell
Your situation is a classic case represented in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
I hate shilling for anything, but this book is a goldmine. Has even helped me to communicate with the missus.
I began practicing it to help my depression. This book has been extremely helpful. It basically links the eastern approach to western psychology and CBT with a very practical guide and list of exercises. Awareness is something we take for granted and you'd be surprised how long you are just on autopilot throughout the day. Becoming aware of the way you think and react is far more challenging than it sounds. It's only in this way that we can control the way our consciousness reacts to the bubbling abyss of our subconscious. Looking at those nasty thoughts that come up and spiral us into negative cycles or aversion and accepting them, putting the tiger in the cage and not reacting to it. It's kind of like constant reconnaissance of our minds and bodies until it becomes automatic. Being actually aware in the here and now rather than the there and then is the most peaceful state you could ask for. Its incredibly difficult though as we are programmed for doing mode and we attempt to use this to achieve mindfulness which completely defeats the purpose. This moment is usually always fine. The now is usually not a problem at all. Up to the point zombies are ripping your entrails out, we are usually just fine. Getting the past and future out of my head when I don't need it has been the one step that has improved my mindfulness but it is extremely easy to be swept up by old patterns weathered into your brain.
I'm posting this from the perspective of a pastor (which I am), so if you want to dm me, feel free.
That kind of fixation on the SF/fantasy strikes me as unhealthy and there may be deeper issues (I realize that that is fairly obvious). When dealing with a person who is fixated like this, it's not your responsibility to change them nor are you at all responsible for her freaking out. It is also very unlikely that you can get through to them.
My advice would be to set up a boundary regarding the behavior you find bothering you, in this case, the lecturing, yelling, long phone calls, etc. Something like "I understand that this is a big issue for you, but I am not willing to talk to you about it." Give her no wiggle room, and if she persists, tell her something like "I said I am not willing to talk about it, and since you are insisting on talking about this, I am going to hang up." Click.
That's honestly going to be the best place to start (all of this is contingent on me not really knowing you or your situation, so take it with a grain of salt). If she realizes that you aren't willing (that word, willing, is important) to listen to her regarding this issue, she may stop brining it up. Also realize that it will be difficult at first. Have someone you can talk to when you start lay down this boundary.
Hopefully, you will start to feel the freedom of knowing you don't actually have to talk to her about this. Since it has such an impact on your emotional health, imagine what that would be like!
I also highly recommend Boundaries. Might be overkill in your situation, but there is lots of good stuff.
As someone who is trying for a baby, I wish someone had told me how long the process can take and it's not just a case of "stop using birth control, get knocked up". I had no idea just how few fertile days you have every month!
Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility now, lurk at /r/TryingForABaby and join /r/waiting_to_try :)
Edit - After posting this last night, I got my first positive this morning at 11DPO :)
This book is for you: http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-Through-Depression/dp/1593851286 (sorry, on mobile). I would like to send you a copy if things are tight at the moment in your world. This book will teach you to acknowledge and then dismiss destructive thoughts, it's an effective way to ward off the spiraling rumination of negativity that is depression. You don't deserve to feel bad about yourself by default.
Edit: anyone else who is in need of this but can't afford it can PM me and I'll try to send you a copy. If this gets too many replies I might not be able to, but I could do at least a dozen or so.
edit2: only one person has asked about being sent a book. I'll take down the edit if I hit my financial limit, so if you're thinking about it, hit me up. seriously.
You sound like me. I grew up similarly abused and also have anxiety and self esteem issues.
He's being insensitive for sure (maybe a bit ignorant), especially after you told him that you were ready to see a therapist (great idea because that's what I did and I'm a lot better now). I don't even know why he said that when you said you were going to see a therapist, it kind of makes me mad that he did when you were actively trying to fix yourself. My boyfriend was happy that I saw one and supported me.
But he might not be aware that people with anxiety issues do not simply just get over it, it's a long process of acceptance. A lot of people think that way about anxiety so I don't really think you should blame him for that.
So you should definitely communicate to him that this is a part of you that you are trying to fix and as a boyfriend he should be supportive in your decision, and that you are hurt by him telling you to get over it. Though he hasn't talked to you, just be the bigger person and explain yourself, because he may not fully understand.
BTW you are not WORTHLESS. You deserve to feel good about yourself, I used to think exactly like you, and it's just circular thinking. Therapy is the way to go. Fantastic book if you would like to get started on your way to loving yourself: Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. If you need anyone to talk to you can PM me. I want to help because I know how it felt and still feels.
It's almost like he read this book
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1505431279&sr=8-1&keywords=trump+book
4.5 stars.
Stop acting the victim, because people can easily look up that you are lying.
Edit: Honestly, 4.5 stars is astonishing to me. I feel like they aren't removing enough reviews, but I guess you are okay with that.
Well, we hit the 10000 limit. Reserving this comment for the misc. section.
FREE TIME/FUN/MISC.
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
The Art of War
Steal This Computer Book 4.0: What They Won't Tell You about the Internet
How to Disappear: Erase Your Digital Footprint, Leave False Trails, and Vanish without a Trace
The Best of 2600: A Hacker Odyssey
Super Crunchers: Why Thinking-by-Numbers Is the New Way to Be Smart
Casting the Net: From ARPANET to INTERNET and Beyond thanks sjhill
A Quarter Century of UNIX thanks sjhill
A Reading List For the Self-Taught Computer Scientist thanks zinver
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk thanks segamix
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable thanks AgonistAgent
Snow Crash thanks AgonistAgent
Cryptonomicon thanks Mirple
It certainly takes individual effort to not squander the opportunities that one receives. And certainly there are a lot of lazy good for nothings.
It's naive to think that opportunities aren't based a great deal on luck though. Some people wholly never get any opportunities to succeed through no fault of their own. And to call people in these situations lazy and looking for handouts is just wrong.
If you really want to sink your teeth into this topic, I suggest reading Outliers. It may change the way you view success.
Inverting the Pyramid - Jonathan Wilson
A pioneering book that chronicles the evolution of soccer tactics and the lives of the itinerant coaching geniuses who have spread their distinctive styles across the globe.
Teambuilding: the road to success - Rinus Michels
The late Rinus Michels, FIFA's Coach of the Century, offers his unique insight into the process of "teambuilding".
The Coaching Philosophies of Louis Van Gaal and the Ajax Coaches - Henny Kormelink and Tjeu Seeverens
Louis van Gaal, Frans Hoek, Co Adriaanse and fitness coach Bobby Haarms discuss their training methods and philosophies in this book full of creative ideas for soccer coaches at any level.
Dutch Soccer Secrets - Peter Hyballa & Hans-Dieter te Poel
This book is a first attempt to present expert knowledge of internationally proven useful and effective Dutch soccer coaching in theory and practice, based on qualitative data collection.
Attacking Soccer: a tactical analysis - Massimo Lucchesi
This book examines match strategies for creating goal scoring opportunities out of various systems of play.
Outliers: The Story of Success - Malcolm Gladwell
Gladwell takes us on an intellectual journey through the world of "outliers"--the best and the brightest, the most famous and the most successful. He asks the question: what makes high-achievers different?
The Numbers Game: Why Everything You Know About Soccer Is Wrong - Chris Anderson, David Sally
Innovation is coming to soccer, and at the centre of it all are the numbers—a way of thinking about the game that ignores the obvious in favour of how things actually are.
Football Against the Enemy - Simon Kuper
Kuper travelled to 22 countries from South Africa to Italy, from Russia to the USA, to examine the way football has shaped them.
Oh my god it's not only me!
For people currently in this situation: Going back is never as bad as it seems and it feels so good to get back on track. You can do it, don't think about it just go!
Letting go of the shame you feel for "being weak" is a big part of this (at least for me).
And fuck drugs for this problem, either get a good doc that specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or find this book that my doc gave to me:
http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321356734&sr=8-1
CBT has worked better than any drug and has a the best overall success rate for dealing with Anxiety (around 90%).
I saw Ronson on C-SPAN back then, and it was like he was describing my brother. I read his book, and many others, and sooo many mysteries of my life were explained. It turns out my mother was a psychopath, and two of my siblings inherited it from her. Growing up in a family of psychopaths caused me to think they were the normal ones. And, so, I ended up marrying one. That's all in the past now.
My standard elevator talk about the danger of psychopaths:
(Recommended references are at the end.)
-- I am on a mission to expose the reality of psychopaths. Like David Vincent on the old TV show The Invaders, I know there are predators among us. Like on the show, many people I talk to can't fathom their existence.
-- The words psychopath and sociopath are synonymous today.
Disparate avenues of research came to be understood to have the same subject. (The so-called "official" name, anti-social personality disorder, in DSM-5 is so vague it's meaningless.) The originator of the clinical test for the condition prefers psychopath, and this is what I will use. Also, see the first paragraph of the fifth reference.
-- Psychopathy is a brain defect.
It is not treatable. Their brains are not wired to see humans as anything besides objects to exploit. Their amygdala, the area of the brain that processes emotions, does not function as in a normal brain. That is why they feel no emotions or empathy, although many learn to fake these when it benefits them. (There is also a controversial hypothesis that their mirror neurons are inoperative.) Surprisingly, at least to me, this defect comes with two effects:
-- Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissistic.
This is easy to understand because, to themselves, they are the only conscious being on Earth. They are the only thing that really matters. Everything and everyone are merely props in their world.
-- Psychopaths are not crazy.
Imagine being fully rational but without the burden of emotions like guilt, remorse, or shame, and without the chains of ethics, morals, or compassion. ("burden" and "chains" would be their words, not mine. They would say, "Only chumps follow the rules or give a shit.") They know what they're doing, and have to avoid being caught. Hence, they do their thing secretively, and behind peoples' backs. They will also distract and deflect attention away from their actions by blaming others, "throwing grenades," sabotaging or otherwise neutralizing anyone they regard as threats, and sowing doubt and distrust. But to your face, many are charming and disarming. One fascinating trait is their insistence on never being wrong or held accountable. This is a ploy for avoiding suspicion, and this is when their lying becomes truly bewildering.
-- But psychopaths are lazy
To a psychopath, life is a con on humans. Their goal is to acquire whatever drives them with the least effort. They learn early how to appear productive and hard-working, but it is usually superficial. They are the ultimate brown-nosers and flatterers since this helps get ahead, disguise their actions, and defend against peers' accusations of misdeeds. They are notorious for taking credit for other people's work. My favorite ploy is when they have to produce results or make a decision for which they have no idea, they will temporize in an effort to appear smart, and try to bluff their way till a meeting ends. (This last one is not limited to psychopaths, of course. But they are consummate posers.)
-- Tips for identifying a psychopath
(These are meant to help cold-read a suspected psychopath, not to substitute for more extensive analysis, such as presented in the recommended readings. They are based on 50+ years of experience living intimately with psychopaths.)
-- A psychopath uses tactics common to salespersons to manipulate you.
This is because these tactics work. This specific problem is not with psychopaths (or salespersons!), but with us. It's human nature to believe people are trustworthy, to believe flattery, to question our own eyes when presented with disturbing evidence -- in other words, to be easy marks.
-- It is estimated that at least 1 in 100 is a psychopath.
That's over 3 million in the US. The percentage is higher in certain fields, such as politics and finance, that attract the psychopath. Seemingly, they pursue the Big Three: money, power, sex. (Why? With no real connection to humankind, and devoid of morals, these are aspects of life that can be easily taken and enjoyed.) Educate yourself on psychopathy because the odds are good one or more of them are fucking up your life.
-- Here are some books I used on my journey to discovery of the malevolent influence of psychopaths in my own life.
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us
Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work
Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight
The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry
The Inner World of the Psychopath: A definitive primer on the psychopathic personality
The Sociopath Next Door
The Wisdom of Psychopaths
The first two books are written by Dr. Robert Hare. He developed the clinical test for psychopathy that is the subject of the fourth book (which is an entertaining, yet disturbing, read).
I learn a ton from reading books by people much smarter than I am. There are some stellar books I start with.
Starting a business
Art of the Start by Guy Kawasaki
Start a business
Lean Startup
Investing and Stock Market
Gone Fishing Portfolio
Life Hacks and Lifestyle Business
4 Hour Work Week
What I found most helpful were the mental and physical practices I learned for getting through the panic attack.
You have to learn that you will be ok once the panic attack passes. During the attack you have to control your breathing.
Ask yourself "what's the worst that can happen", and then you have to answer that question. Most people ask the question and stop there. That is not effective. Take the time to form a sentence with the possible outcomes. Write them down. Be silly. Say them out loud if you can. It brings to light exactly what you are afraid of and makes it much more manageable.
If you can't get a counselor either for financial or other reasons I recommend this book very strongly:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572248912
You have to commit to it and follow the exercises. For example proper breathing is far more effective than you would think. I feel the need to repeat that. Learn to breathe deeply during the panic attack and you will have much more control.
I've fought with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It wasn't long ago that I wouldn't leave the house to buy groceries. I would have a panic attack ordering pizza. These are not exaggerations. Good luck and let me know if there's anything I can offer.
Gosh...these people need to read Outliers again.
No, you aren't a special snowflake. You have benefited directly, and indirectly, from generations of family heritage, community connections, and established institutions.
Ahh one of the problems young men face in today's society, the absence of a rite of passage. That sounds similar to what you're looking for; this article touches on it a bit.
> At the heart of the modern crisis of manhood is the extension of adolescence, a boyhood which is stretching on for a longer and longer period of time. Once thought to end in a man’s 20s at the latest, men are extending their adolescence into their 30′s and in some especially sad cases, their 40′s.
>But in some ways it’s not their fault. It’s the fault of a culture in which rites of passage have all but disappeared, leaving men adrift and lost, never sure when and if they’ve become men. Today’s men lack a community of males to initiate them into manhood and to recognize their new status.
>Across time and place, cultures have inherently understood that without clear markers on the journey to manhood, males have a difficult time making the transition and can drift along indefinitely. Thus, rites of passage were clearly delineated in nearly every culture as one of the community’s most important rituals.
I'm not sure of a suitable challenge or hardship for you, that's something that only you can decide. There's a few simple tasks that if done daily can improve your life.
I'll start with the easy stuff:
Fitness:
1.) Start Weightlifting
You're 18 years old and in relatively good shape i'm assuming ("biked through some mountainous canadian villages,"). There's literally no reason for you not to weightlift or run.
Weightlifting:
Here are few progress pics from /r/Fitness : [1] [2] [3]
Please tell me you'll start weightlifting or at least running; time will pass whether or not you lift, best to make gains along the way :)
Find a powerlifting gym in your area (they're generally cheaper than commercial gyms, allow you to grunt, use chalk, and actually lift heavy weight)
Meditate:
Start to meditate everyday.
>Benefits to meditation
>Like exercise, your benefits will depend on your efforts.
>Greater mental abilities as the mind concentrates with greater ease and there is less restless thought happening.
>Greater insights into your own behavior and that of others, so the ability to live with less regret happens.
>Greater physical abilities as the awareness of the body is increased, as well as the ability to visualize--if that is your objective.
>Greater emotional clarity as one learns to deal with and release difficult emotions.
>A greater feeling of contentment and oneness with life as the obstructions in the mind recede.
Philosophy:
Begin to read and study philosophy.
Good Introductory Books are:
One really good lecture series on ethics:
Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do? Episode 01 "THE MORAL SIDE OF MURDER"
Social Skills:
Go out and meet knew people, fool around with girls, talk to strangers, etc. Try to stay away from the computer as much as possible.
All have some damn good articles and posts on body language, self-confidence, etc... that'll make you a lot more confident in social situations if you go out and practice; talking to a human, whether it's a boss or a cute girl on the street, is a learn-able skill that can be improved.
Read How to Make Friends & Influence People. The title is not the best but it's a classic book and insanely useful.
Read:
Delete your Reddit account, stop watching television, and read.
Read Plato, Marcus Aurelius, Camus, Thoreau, and Orwell. Read Rumi, Kahlil Gibran, and Keats. Read old english, sci-fi, old fantasy novels, etc.
A few lists:
Reddit's Favorite Books
Benefits of reading:
Create something:
Whether you write stories, music, or draw try to create something. Try to write 300 words everyday on any topic you want, a random dream you had, tasty food, etc.
Travel:
Work on a farm for a week or two while staying in the home of complete strangers. Helpx
Miscellaneous things:
Misc:
/r/LucidDreaming
tl;dr
Make the most of your time and try to improve yourself as much as possible in the next 300 days; whether physically (weightlifting!), mentally, or spiritually.
Decrease reddit/internet use and go outside, hit on random beautiful women, make new friends, etc.
https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24
The better parts teach you to be a better man and how to genuinely improve yourself, whether it's social skills, your career, your hobbies, your fashion sense, your mindset, how you approach challenges, etc. It's not about manipulating women or pick-up lines or the other bullshit methods people still associate with PUA.
Dale Carnegie mentions this in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People
The specific anecdote there is that it was a competition between the night shift and the day shift and at the end of each shift they would write down the production of that shift so the next shift would naturally try to compete to do it better. That's about all the details that are given in the book though.
The problem when you quit something that was a habit or that was a large part of how you defined yourself, is coming up with something to replace it. The only way to do this is by trying everything and anything, this is the only way to know if you like something or not. No offence to gamers, but it won't bring you long term happiness. Socialising, interacting with people, volunteering, real life experiences, those give you long term happiness. Sharing your life with people, being accepted, and accepting others brings you happiness. The problem online and in video games is the inability to perceive the other people as real people, and will continue to mark the way in which the community interacts with each other.
Many people who have an addictive personality will switch between gaming, the internet, porn, and substance abuse to feed their addiction. When one becomes boring, it's easier to switch to something else you're addicted to instead of examining your addiction or looking at why you are addicted.
Many people who have addictive personalities do so as a means of escapism, so that they don't have to deal with the real life problems or examine what it is about their lives that is leaving them wanting more. The problem with addiction is that it never really fills the void, it's a temporary fix that will always leave you wanting more or looking elsewhere to fill it.
http://zenhabits.net/the-ultimate-guide-to-motivation-how-to-achieve-any-goal/
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/06/13/25-simple-ways-to-motivate-yourself/
And here is a self help book that will help motivate yourself, and look at your life from a different angle, as well as give you some tools to break free of the cycle you are in.
The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness
Here is one for anxiety The Mindful Way through Anxiety
The guided meditation serves to help you focus. It helps you learn self control, discipline. It also helps you learn to be able to stop your internal dialogue at will, so when you start getting into your habitual routine of negative self talk, or rewarding yourself with your addiction, you are equipped better to deal with it. Perception, addiction, it shows the power of the mind. If you can train your mind, you can overcome nearly anything.
Feeling bad and feeling good take the same amount of effort, what matters is what you emphasize. As we grow throughout our lives we tell ourselves we are a certain way, and reinforce this by habitual thinking and acts. Other people develop an idea of who they think we are, and they too will reinforce these ideas on you. It is important to remember that in the same way we developed ideas on the world and who we are, bit by bit, day by day, it is possible in the same way to change these ideas. They aren't static, you are constantly growing and changing. Change is hard, because it's new. Habits are comfortable because we know how they work, we know the outcomes. We need to constantly push ourself out of our boundaries if we ever truly want to discover who we are.
You are an addict. You basically rewire your brain to go back to the same experience over and over again, because you know you will get the same results. The more you train your brain through a repetitive action, the easier it is for you to use it. You have to learn to be able to stop yourself, it isn't easy. Day by day, with enough practice like riding a bike, you can learn to do it. Commit yourself to quitting, as much as you commit yourself to being rewarded with reddit. If it took you 5 years to get to this point, it isn't going to happen in 15 days, a month, or maybe even a year. I'm not sure about you, but some people have replaced reality for a website, and that isn't healthy.
You can do it, if you believe in yourself as much as your parents, people who love you, or even I do, you will be able to overcome your addiction. It may be helpful for you to see someone who specializes in internet addiction, or treatment centers that are expensive like www.netaddictionrecovery.com
May you follow on paths with strength
Edit: Forgot a word. Most of this is applicable to any addict. You are are in a constant battle with yourself. You either use your mind to rise above it, or it will control your mind.
Comprehensive List of Books Relating to Music Production and Creative Growth
***
On Composition:
Making Music: 74 Creative Strategies - Dennis DeSantis
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic book. Each page has a general idea on boosting creativity, workflow, and designing sounds and tracks.
Music Theory for Computer Musicians - Michael Hewitt
Amazon Link
Really easy to digest book on music theory, as it applies to your DAW. Each DAW is used in the examples, so it is not limited to a specific program. Highly recommend this for someone starting out with theory to improve their productions.
Secrets of Dance Music Production - David Felton
Amazon Link
This book I recently picked up and so far it's been quite good. It goes over all the different elements of what make's dance music, and get's quite detailed. More geared towards the beginner, but it was engaging nonetheless. It is the best 'EDM specific' production book I have read.
Ocean of Sound - David Troop
Amazon Link
Very well written and interesting book on ambient music. Not only does David go over the technical side and history of ambiance and musical atmospheres, he speaks very poetically about creating these soundscapes and how they relate to our interpersonal emotions.
***
On Audio Engineering:
Mixing Secrets for the Small Studio - Mike Senior
Amazon Link
In my opinion, this is the best mixing reference book for both beginners and intermediate producers. Very in-depth book that covers everything from how to set-up for accurate listening to the purpose of each mixing and mastering plug-in. Highly recommended.
Zen and the Art of Mixing - Mixerman
Amazon Link
Very interesting read in that it deals with the why's more than the how's. Mixerman, a professional audio engineer, goes in detail to talk about the mix engineer's mindset, how to approach projects, and how to make critical mixing decisions. Really fun read.
The Mixing Engineer's Handbook - Bobby Owinski
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic companion book to keep around. Not only does Owinski go into great technical detail, he includes interviews from various audio engineers that I personally found very helpful and inspiring.
***
On the Industry:
All You Need to Know About the Music Business - Donald S. Passman
Amazon Link
This book is simply a must read for anyone hoping to make a professional career out of music, anyone wanting to start their own record label, or anyone interested in how the industry works. It's a very informative book for any level of producer, and is kept up-to-date with the frequent revisions. Buy it.
Rick Rubin: In the Studio - Jake Brown
Amazon Link
Very interesting read that is a semi-biographical book on Rick Rubin. It is not so personal as it is talking about his life, experiences, and processes. It does get quite technical when referring to the recording process, but there are better books for technical info. This is a fun read on one of the most successful producers in history.
Behind the Glass - Howard Massey
Amazon Link
A collection of interviews from a diverse range of musicians who speak about creativity, workflows, and experiences in the music industry. Really light, easy to digest book.
***
On Creativity:
The War of Art - Steven Pressfield
Amazon Link
This is a must-read, in my opinion, for any creative individual. It is a very philosophical book on dealing with our own mental battles as an artist, and how to overcome them. Definitely pick this one up, all of you.
This is Your Brain on Music - Daniel S. Levitin
Amazon Link
A book written by a neurologist on the psychology of music and what makes us attached to it. It's a fairly scientific book but it is a very rewarding read with some great ideas.
***
On Personal Growth and Development:
How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
Amazon Link
Although this seems like an odd book for a music producer, personally I think this is one of the most influential books I've ever read. Knowing how to be personable, effectively network, and form relationships is extremely important in our industry. Whether it be meeting and talking to labels, meeting other artists, or getting through to A&R, this book helps with all these areas and I suggest this book to all of you.
7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey
Amazon Link
Similar to the recommendation above, although not directly linked to music, I assure you reading this book will change your views on life. It is a very engaging and practical book, and gets you in the right mindset to be successful in your life and music career. Trust me on this one and give it a read.
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Amazon Link
You know the feeling when you're really in the groove of jamming out and all worries tend to slip away for those moments? That is the 'Optimal Experience' according to the author. This book will teach you about that experience, and how to encourage and find it in your work. This is a very challenging, immersive, and enlightening read, which deals with the bigger picture and finding happiness in your work and life. Very inspiring book that puts you in a good mindset when you're doing creative work.
The Art of Work - Jeff Goins
Amazon Link
A very fascinating book that looks at taking your passion (music in our case) and making the most of it. It guides you on how to be successful and turn your passion into your career. Some very interesting sections touching on dealing with failure, disappointment, and criticism, yet listening to your intuition and following your passion. Inspiring and uplifting book to say the least.
***
Happy reading!
It sounds like fix #1 is more sleep.
Lame as it may sound, 8 hours of sleep is hugely different than 3 or even 5. Set the alarm for turning off the computer and just do it man. I'm sure there are auto-shutoff functions, but I say turn the computer off yourself. It's a sign of your own commitment to change. You can push one button to start a better life.
I find everything else seems easier if I get enough sleep. Without it, stuff seems difficult and unimportant and I drift back into a bad mindset. It took me a long time to recognize that those thoughts were a lie... just a lack of sleep in disguise.
From there, I'd probably recommend a simple calendar+task list system like Cal Newport recommends in the Straight A Student, though others like David Allen's more detailed Getting Things Done methodology.
But start with getting good sleep. Commit to it for a week and see how it goes.
I've read a lot of parenting books and learned a lot of cool techniques and tricks for helping my kids. A parenting class, if you do the research and find someone who makes a lot of sense to you, is just a faster way of learning new tricks, and it sounds like you're looking for good ideas and fast. The class I linked you to in my other comment is one I'd love to take myself and I have worked with children for over fifteen years.
But if you are interested in the book route, look at your local library for How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Simplicity Parenting, or Love and Logic, or anything by those authors.
I can guarantee you that at least one of my grandmas would've loved a parenting class, and the other probably could've used one.
This is such a great book, and is what really sparked my interest in body language and psychology. Great explanations, illustrations, and integration of humor!
EDIT: Here is the link to the book on amazon
The book Outliers goes into depth about this topic. Child prodigies typically aren't particularly successful as adults.
http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930
The book Outliers talks a lot about this. Frankly, the situation that you were born into matters more than anything else. Gates' school when he was 13 had a computer in which he started to hack it for longer access. Having a computer at the time was nearly impossible.
Most NHL players were born in the first quarter of the year due to timing/being the "best" ultimately because they are older than everyone else at their level.
The majority of start-ups are people with wealthy backgrounds because they can afford to take chances and know they have a fall-back (their family) when/if they fail. Ordinary people are forced to take jobs because they cannot afford to take chances.
For anyone particularly interested in this line of thought: look into Vedanta. Alan Watts's The Book was the first place I encountered it. The book appears to be available in .pdf if you google it, not sure if it's legal, but there you have it.
No no no. Don't do what he said. Unless you're dealing with a girl that radiates "quirky".
The first reason? It could be seen as a beta move where you look away first. Like you're nervous. Then she dismisses you for being a beta bitch.
(edit: the use of "beta bitch" is getting a lot of flack. Obviously, people do not like the phrase. To me, "alpha" and "beta" refer to what a person finds attractive and unattractive. Which changes person to person. I have a friend who loves confident guys. If she makes eye contact and the guy looks away first, she loses interest. She wants a guy to hold eye contact, to challenge her. That doesn't mean a guy can't reignite interest. But eye-contact is her quick test. Some girls might HATE eye contact and think a guy who won't look away is too intense. And a guy who looks away is normal. To this girl, eye-contact guy is beta and less-eye-contact guy is more alpha. There are people who think me using the phrase "beta bitch" is beta. Where someone who says, "Just be yourself" is alpha. That's fine. But there are people who will say, "I would be myself, but I don't know what to say or do?" All I'm trying to do is provide a way to analyze the "is she checking me out" situation in a way that is as alpha/beta neutral as I can. Of course, saying "Hi" and acting natural can work and often does work. But there are plenty of times in a bar where you can go up and say "Hi!" and the girls want nothing to do with you. Not even because "they suck" or "are awful people not worth your time." Just because they're out and don't want to have to deal with dudes trying to hit on them. As someone with a lot of friends that are girls, it's painful to hear about and see how much they are approached and end up coming off as rude because guys are overly persistent. What I described here is what I have found to be the simplest and least invasive method of gauging whether or not a girl is interested.)
But say she doesn't see it like that. Say it works. She looks at the ceiling because she saw you look at the ceiling. Where do you go from here? Do you go up and say, "Hey, I saw you look at the ceiling too?" Do you just walk up and say, "Hi." What if she says, "What did you look at?" Or "Why did you look at the ceiling?" What are you going to say? "Uh. I don't know?" Or do you say something "witty" like "Checking the weather." That's just fucking weird. I mean, sure, there's probably a way to recover and move beyond this moment, but you're starting from a weird and limiting position. Worst case scenario is she doesn't say anything at all and just dismisses you as a weirdo.
Best case scenario is she's quirky and attracted to you and thinks this is a meet-cute and you're in. It can happen. But I would guess a success rate of 1 out of 30.
What you should do is check her feet. Body Language 101. The feet reflect the attention of the mind. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at you, they want to be talking to you. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at someone else, they're focused on that person. If their feet are pointing at the door, they want to leave. (see this book).
Next time you're just standing around in public, check where your feet are pointing. And pay attention to the feet of other people.
I've used the feet method to hook up with a number of girls. Here's what you do.
Look around the bar or party or wherever and see if any girl has a foot (or feet) pointing at you. If yes, move a few feet away. Not far enough to where you're out of her view, but enough to where she would have to adjust her foot. If her foot adjusts and points at you again, yes. Or you notice it later in the night: yes.
If you're comfortable in the situation, like it's a house party and you know a lot of the people, you can go up and introduce yourself. Ask if she and whoever she's talking to needs a drink or something. Walk away. That way you've broken the ice. You can check later to see if the girl has her foot pointed at you again. If so, you go back up and start the flirtation. Or it might be on from the very beginning.
The first time I used this, I was at a house party. One of my friends was talking this girl up, but her feet were pointed at me. I moved. She adjusted. I went up and asked my friend a question. The girl immediately introduced herself and began asking me questions and laughing at everything I said. My friend wouldn't leave. I mentioned wanting to go to the kitchen for a snack. She said she could use one too. Away we went. (In case you're concerned for my friend, he was okay; actually, he apologized for not realizing what was going on and leaving on his own.)
If you're at the bar, you don't have to do a straight approach. But you can close proximity. Usually by having a solid wingman or two. You would notice a girl looking at you. Check her feet. Her feet are pointed at you. You would finish you drink. You and your wingman/men go to the bar. Get more drinks. Be deep into conversation as you come away from the bar. Casually near the girl/her group but not as though you're approaching her. Head near her as though on accident. Stay engaged in the conversation. Stop walking to have the conversation. Laugh. Hold your own in that spot. The conversation can slow and now you're just in that spot. This position affords you many opportunities. The girl can now get your attention. Or you could overhear something her group is talking about and get involved in the conversation. If you're feeling real good, you could just transition to the group with a simple "Hey. My beer tastes awful. What are you all drinking?" and slowly work to your target. Be sure to check her feet. If they want to talk to you, they'll respond to your question. If they don't, they won't. The question doesn't really matter. Imagine DiCaprio breaking the ice with a group of girls. They won't give two fucks about how he starts the conversation because they want to talk to him. If girls don't want to talk to you, a clever line might win them over. But if they do want to talk to you, you don't have to try hard or do anything fancy. The important thing is not to bore them.
Some of this might sound complicated. But it's really not. Once you get used to it, it's very simple.
(edit There are people who claim this isn't natural. Social interaction is a skill, just like anything else. Dribbling a basketball can seem unnatural, but once you do it enough it becomes natural. Same with this. When described in a such a way, yes, it sounds forced. But if someone were to describe their "natural" approach in a self-reflective manner (and not just, "I don't know man, I just do what I do."), it would, I suspect, sound unnatural and calculated. In one comment, someone mentioned "hoop jumping". Whether you like it or not, hoop jumping happens. Some guys actively do it. Others don't think about it. But every romantic interaction is an escalation of hoop jumping. "Talk to me." "Let me touch you." "Touch me." "Let's kiss." "Let's spend time together alone." Every friendship is hoop jumping. Every social interaction is hoop jumping. Some people might be great with hoops and it comes "natural". Others have no idea. But once they become aware and practice using hoops, they can become natural and then romance isn't so hit or miss.)
Oh, if you're at a club--god help you. Just take shots and dance as though the world were ending.
----
I hope the above edits helped clarify. I'm not trying to be a monster. Yes, this is a huge block of text. But social interaction isn't easy for everyone. There are a lot of people who won't care about anything that I said. Which is fine. But there are some people who might learn something. So I went into detail. I know how lost I was when I was a freshman in college. I would have appreciated this information. I don't believe in "Game". I think canned routines are gross. That negs are gross. That AMOG-ing (being the alpha male of the group ("alpha" in the classical "dominance" sense this time)) is gross. I'm all for being yourself. But that doesn't mean "yourself" isn't flawed. If there's something I believe in more than "be yourself" it's "better yourself". Learning how social interactions work--why you were successful or unsuccessful--is part of that process.
Here's hoping I learned how to write a better Reddit post.
You've been lied to your whole life. Natural talent accounts for very little. Anybody can be very good at anything if they practice enough.
Great writers, artists, athletes, scientists, chess players, etc have put thousands of hours of dedicated, focused time practicing.
10,000 Hours: You Become What You Practice
Outliers: The Story of Success
Find something you like, not something you think you should like, and start practicing. Take classes, read books, talk to experts in the field.
I wouldn't say he's gone that far. He just appeals to common interests (not to mention a grossly inflated sense of self-importance).
Hitler wants to unite Europe under aryan rule, but getting that through war risks a "savage state" that's opposite to what he wants. Gandhi's found his passive methods rather effective, so maybe they'd work for Hitler?
Disclaimer: A down-vote is NOT "I disagree", but this post adds nothing interesting.
First, you'll probably want to read last year's thread:
My speciality is Graphics, Fonts, User Experience, and User Interface. I don't have any portfolios / demos (ATM) but I can give some advice. Here are my thoughts & wisdom I've collected over 20 years. (You may notice some of this in the above thread -- I'll try not to overlap too much.)
IMO, there are 2 levels to UI:
Low-Level code
Traditionally, UI was given to the "junior" programmers because it wasn't as "sexy" as the main game development (Physics, AI, Rendering, Audio, Networking). Translation: It wasn't "mission critical", plus you couldn't really 'screw it up'.
Casey Muratori (Handmade Hero) has an article on UI called Semantic Compression that discusses how to write clean UI code. You'll notice that UI design & implementation using OOP, DD (Data Driven), and/or DOD (Data-Orientated-Design) are pretty boring to most people.
The best way to understand UI is to
UI isn't just about the parts though -- it is about the sum of the parts. Which leads me to my next point:
High Level Psychology
This is a huge topic -- I'll go over the basics.
0. Purpose of UI
The zeroth rule of UI is:
Far too many people focus on (useless) Form over Function. A great UI can't save a bad game, but a great game can be hurt by bad UI.
1. Frame-rate
First, IMO, if you don't understand the difference between 120 Hz, 60 Hz, and 30 Hz, you shouldn't be doing UI. Go buy a 120 Hz "gaming monitor". Learn about micro-stuttering -- when a solid 60 Hz momentary drops down to 30 Hz for one frame and then back up. I'd recommend starting here: DF Retro: Daytona USA and Why Frame-Rate Has Always Mattered
Second, if you aren't targeting at least 60 Hz in your UI, you're doing it wrong. Nothing says amateur hour more then crappy 30 Hz -- it tells people you don't a) know, or b) care about the fundamentals. Again, I'd recommend watching these videos demonstrating judder:
Third, learn about blending, or easing equations. Robert Penner's easing equations are the classic, badly written, buggy, unoptimized ones, but they are good enough to get you started.
2. S:N:~N
The secret to good UI is understanding the S/N/~N ratio -- Signal:Noise:Anti-Noise.
What are these?
IMO, it is the contrast between signal-and-noise that makes for good UI. What do I mean by that? Here is an example -- a plain data table.
|Foo|Bar|
|:--|:--|
|Key1|Val1|
|no background contrast|makes it hard to read|
|Key2|Val2|
|blah|blah|
|Everything blends in|... yuck|
The problem is TOO much signal effectively becomes noise. Hmmm.
Compare and contrast, literally, with a table that has alternative background colors for even & odd rows. We have effectively added in Anti-Noise. We have used "pacing" or "flow" to the signal so that it is no longer monotonous. I'll add a link about flow in a minute.
This is the kind of thinking that entails good UI:
To learn about UI you'll need to play games. Start breaking the UI down.
3. Flow
Most games have a crappy UI because the user's experience from their POV was never a focus -- it is, sadly, usually an afterthought.
I'm not talking basic widgets such as:
I'm specifically talking about "Flow" -- what is the psychology of the gamer. That is, what are they thinking and feeling when:
World of Warcraft was of one first triple AAA game to take UI serious. That was the pivotal, historical, moment when games progressed from stage 2 to stage 3.
IMO UI really is the last frontier in game development. It is about the level of polish that takes a good game and helps turn it into a great game.
Hopefully this has given you some ideas to explore, to research, to learn about !
I've heard it called tacit knowledge before, as /u/Luckater already mentioned. I've also seen it referenced, assuming you're somewhat good at the game (and getting "in the zone") as a flow state.
Turn off the computer
Turn off the tv
Read a book
We don't allow pirated materials on seddit out of respect for the professionals who come on here to do AMAs, so don't even post the links. You will be banned.
Does this link not work for you? That is the ebook version.
I'm happily paired off now, but used to follow this stuff more. For guys seeking women, I think the books The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson are the books that best encompass the best advice that I accumulated over the years, and that has worked for me and other guys I know.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. :) And also on your restraint. ;)
Sounds like your father in law can be a bit judgmental and difficult to deal with. Especially considering you called him out on his own behavior and instead of manning up to it and discussing it rationally with you he basically said he was above you and doesn't need to talk to you like a human being. Sad.
My thoughts on this are, you will have to deal with this man for a lifetime. And you do not want to make your wife miserable by starting anything with her father. However, in your life together you and your new wife will be making decisions as a unit - the two of you. It is really your fiancé who needs to be able to establish boundaries with her family about how much of their advice she is willing to take. (This is all tangential to the main issue you raised... about cohabiting... which to me isn't that big a deal especially considering your reasons for doing it. I'm more thinking about the general trend in the leaving and cleaving and how that's going to shake down in the upcoming years.)
There is a good book I really recommend - not sure if the father in law is the controlling type but if he is:
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
If anyone wants to read more about this and similar phenomena, read Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell
http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930
Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers popularized the idea.
Sorry if this list is a bit long, this is kind of an obsession of mine. No one source is really all encompassing, but each one offers a different point of view. They also may seem like slightly odd choices, however I have found each one very useful when it comes to understanding how people work. If you want a more streamlined set of sources just use every other link. (I don't know how well these work if you have any sort of innate understanding of body language, but they are excellent for beginners).
Tricks of the Mind - Derren Brown - This isn't the sort of book you would imagine when looking for body language guides, and in fact it doesn't even scratch the surface of how complex our bodies are. However it does contain what I consider to be the most important thing when learning to read people, which is the concept of relativity. Lots of sources give set actions and ascribe to them a meaning based only on the movement, but people are so wonderfully complex that this doesn't work all the time. Derren instead comes up with the concept of relativity - the idea that everybody has their own baseline for body language, and that in order to read body language effectively you need to take into account the divergence from this person's normal body language instead of just looking at their actions in a vacuum. It's also a fascinating read throughout and cites numerous other books you can use if you want more sources.
Changing Minds - this is a very good resource for looking up on any one area of body language you feel you may be rusty on, as opposed to a complete guide. Everything is organised by mood and then by body part, so you can focus on whatever you want. It also covers many other related areas and little tricks for surviving interpersonal relationships.
The Game - Neil Strauss / Fastseduction - Again, odd choices for someone looking to learn how to read body language. These are more of a meta-read than actual sources on body language, as they don't go into body language in much detail at all. Honestly I wouldn't recommend these at all if it weren't for another concept that is introduced through them called Inner Game. Inner Game is about taking all the information that you have gleaned from days surrounded by words -all the actions, routines, and painfully memorized sequences - and inserting it into your daily life, with the aim of having them completely internalized and instinctual. In the book Strauss goes to some crazy pick-up gurus and gets hypnotised over the course of a weekend to try and improve his Inner Game, but honestly that's not necessary. I feel that the concept is very much related to the phrase "Fake it 'till you make it" - just as the man looking to become more confident must put on a façade and keep confidence in mind at all times until the adopted mannerisms become habit, if you want to read people you have to pay attention to everything around you and compare it with what you know. After a while you will find that it takes less and less time to understand what a particular stance suggests, and eventually you won't have to consciously think about it at all. So yeah, not very good for body language outside of one specialist area but excellent for state of mind. There may also be a seduction community on reddit, though I couldn't speak for their body language resources.
Peoplewatching - Desmond Morris - This is one of the single greatest books ever written. It was originally released as Manwatching in the late 1970s and is a staggeringly useful guide to body language. It looks at human behaviour through a zoological lens, giving it a more sterile feel than the more well known guides, but covers everything perfectly. This is I feel the perfect introduction to the subject, covering what body language conveys and speculating on how it came about without attaching too much meaning to any one gesture.
The Definitive Book of Body Language - Allan + Barbara Pease - This is almost an obligatory mention. I don't like this book. It's undoubtedly an excellent resource on the subject, and covers most topics in a nice, well-ordered manner, but I can't bring myself to like it. It has something to do with the attitude of the book I think - right from the title the authors try and place themselves somewhere up above normal humans, and the entire book has an underlying air of condescension combined with complete confidence that what it says is 100% correct and a corresponding smugness. It is also guilty of the worst crime possible (aside from the aformentioned certainty) when discussing body language, which is dressing up speculation and correlation as fact. The book is littered with speculation on numerous topics that are stated without any nod to the fact that it is in fact speculation, such as the line 'Henry VIII popularised this gesture (pursed lips) as a high-status signal because of his small mouth and modern Brits and Americans still use it'. Here I opened the book to a random page and read the first sentence I could. This sounds like an excellent fun fact except for the complete lack of evidence, and this is repeated on every single page of the book. So, while it is an excellent source for body language, please read it with an open mind and salt at the ready.
There are probably hundreds of books and websites I've missed, but hopefully those should help a bit.
Edit: As mentioned above Lie to Me and the Mentalist are good as TV goes, but I might recommend Psych over both of them just because of the way it deals with it - there is some body language stuff in there to pick up on (occasionally), but mostly it's just a hilarious and spectacular show.
Just as a point of reference, my 3 year old cries like that quite a bit. Usually over quite trivial matters. This morning, she cried for 15 minutes straight because her daddy plugged in her ipod to the charger instead of letting her do it.
So some of it is just developmental and/or personality at that point. Stay patient and just keep letting him know that you are there for him. At some point, you'll notice a bit of a break in the crying and that's when you ask if he wants you to hold him. If you have a rocker of big comfy chair, that would be nice to snuggle up in. Maybe offer him some water or juice and to read a book or something.
I know this sounds shitty to say but don't frantically offer him up all kinds of stuff to do or big treats just to make him feel better. He'll figure out that this is how he can get stuff. Just be there to comfort and let him get it all out. If you validate his feelings and mirror them back to him, it'll help him be able to talk about them in the future. It also decreases the crying. You literally just say exactly what he's saying back to him. "you want your daddy. yes, you want your daddy." It really helps them to feel like they've been heard rather than, "It's ok" because in his mind, it's really not ok and to be told that is rather confusing.
Some good books to read are this series:
Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy (this title always cracks me up)
and
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (this one has some really old school illustrations but it's great for talking to kids and adults of all ages)
Good luck, you are doing a wonderful thing taking him in. I'm sure transitions will get easier from here on out.
I really like the book boundaries. It changes the way you think about and act in relationships. It’s all logical, but if you’ve never thought about your relationship that way it’s a new way of doing things.
You are an adult. You get to choose how your mother treats you and interacts in your life. Draw some firm boundaries there and if she can’t abide them she will have consequences.
People with no boundaries and people with boundaries that are to intense suffer. You need to find the middle. So, for instance, if you don’t want her to kiss baby then say ‘it’s flu season and I’m not comfortable with you kissing baby. If you do kiss him, I’m going to have to hold him or put him in his swing’...and then do that. If she’s speaking about you in a disparaging way (your mom is being silly. Who raised her. Etc) calmly say that you are this child’s mother and you will raise this child according to your own guidelines, just like she got to raise her kids according to hers. If she can’t respect that, then maybe it’s best for her to leave and come back another time when she can respect your rules.
Be kind, but firm. It’s great practice because when baby is 2/3 you will get to do lots of work establishing and maintaining boundaries.
>Routines can be weirdly helpful.
i recommend this book: How to Become a Straight-A Student by Cal Newport
According to The Science on Women in Science gender bias is apparent as early as 4th grade in our school system. At the university level, thousands of science scholarships specifically set aside for girls go unfulfilled because our high schools are simply not graduating enough girls who qualify for them.
This isn't just a professional, academic level of sexism. It's much more deep rooted than that.
In Outliers, the law of diminishing academics are demonstrated. Essentially a small difference in population at age 10 is a huge difference at age 20. If you do not fix a problem in academic trends early on, the problem only gets exacerbated as time progresses.
What the data says is that if you want to fix the gender bias in the sciences in the professional world, you can't simply address those gender biases in the professional world. That is akin to putting a bandaid on a broken leg; it's just not going to fix the problem. You must start younger, in elementary school, if you want to fix this problem. If 60% of those very interested in the sciences in the 4th grade are boys, and 40% are girls; then by the beginning of college the gap in those number will increase to 70-30, or even 75-25. And by grad school those numbers can be as high as 85-15 depending on the specific scientific field and region. The gap widens, over time, due to the diminishing academics which are returned.
Without a push to get girls interested in the hard sciences early on in elementary school, there will always be a gender gap in adulthood. And not the small gap that exists in 4th grade, but the exacerbated gap that results.
And as long as that exacerbated gap exists there will be a gender-stereotype that women are not qualified in the sciences. Even with many examples of brilliant female scientists, when only 18% (depending on source) of PhD's in the hard sciences are being earned by women, the negative stereotype against women will persists. Simply gaining acceptance for those 18% is not enough. You must also make the changes early on, so that girls in the 4th grade see science as a legitimate career field that is exciting and interesting; so that girls do not self-sort themselves out of the sciences and so that teachers do not condition girls to think that sciences are not for them.
tl;dr - If we want to end the gender-bias in sciences we need to start in elementary schools and work our way up; as well as in the professional world and work our way down.
The Art of the Deal
I failed level one, two and three. Now I'm working on a Computer Science degree and have won 2 awards from my uni this year.
NCEA doesn't mean jack in the long run. You can just turn 20 and rock up. People start uni at 28, and they're not looked badly on at all.
Keep in mind there are so many options out there. The idea that college is the only way to success is increasingly becoming a myth. Skills will always come ahead in any field. Loving to learn inside or outside of school is important if you want to go far.
If you are looking at alternatives, look here.
Figure out why you failed. Figure out solutions to these problems, and demonstrate these solutions before you're at uni.
Find ways to discipline yourself to learn before university; a free course on Coursera or edX perhaps. This is a good book on study skills.
If you've done Level 1 and 2 though, you obviously have a fair few study skills.
Feel free to PM me if you have any more questions.
If she'll maintain eye contact with you with no conversation going on. If she tilts her head slightly down. If her knees/feet are pointing towards you when it'd be more comfortable for them not to be. If she's playing with her hair. If she's been touching you during the date. If she's been ok with you lightly/playfully touching her during the date.
None of these on their own will tell you. Just having her feet point towards you means nothing. Just having her head tilted down means nothing. But if she's playing with her hair, has been touching or is touching you, will maintain eye contact with you during silences in the conversation, you can probably kiss her. You should check out this book Body Language, this is where all my info comes from. There's a section on how different genders flirth. I credit the book with helping me hook up with more women than I would have otherwise. Also sometimes you just gotta take a chance and see what happens. Getting rejected for a kiss isn't really a big deal after you fail a couple times.
It's a good question - a lot of people just assume they can't ever be rich.
No you don't need to get a degree. You don't need to get a high-paying job. You don't need to be Elon Musk unless we're talking billionaire rich.
Making money is about delivering value at scale. Either deliver a little bit of value to a lot of people, or deliver a lot of value to a few people. Or do both to rake it in - but this is usually harder.
The most accessible way to deliver value at scale is by building a business.
You also need to figure out why you want to be rich and what kind of rich. Do you want to build a massive empire and make hundreds of millions or does making a couple of million a year and getting to travel whenever you want sound better?
The basic steps are pretty simple. You've got to start by reprogramming your brain a fair bit. Rich people - especially entrepreneurs, don't think about the world in the same way as most people do. More on how to do this later.
After that you'll want to start exploring the opportunities open to you at the moment. There are lots of business models you can replicate and do really well with - you don't need to start completely from scratch and build something the world has never seen before. You would not believe the ridiculously niched business models people make stupid money from. Example - I know a guy who built an online health and safety testing form for oil rig workers that was making $20,000 a month.
When you're starting out it's a good idea to keep things simple and use it as a way to build your skills. You don't want to be trying to build the next Facebook while trying to learn the basics of business. You're probably not as smart as Mark Zuckerberg.
The point is you have to keep learning and learning and learning. You know the business section of the book store you've probably never looked at? Pick the right books and you can pretty much learn anything.
You've been fed a lot of bullshit your whole life - so you need to read:
BOOKS FOR REPROGRAMMING YOUR HEAD
It's pretty incredible how many successful people I've spoken to in the last few years have said something along the lines of "well it all started when I read the 4-Hour Work Week...". This is a great book that will give you a huge mindset adjustment and also a bunch of practical ideas and case studies of what you can do.
Those will give you a good start. Once you've picked something to work on, you'll want to start reading up on learning sales, mindset, strategy, mindset, business management, mindset and some more mindset. If you jump in you'll quickly find the hardest thing about business is usually dealing with yourself.
Hit me up if you take action on this and I'll be happy to recommend where to go next :)
I love it. I can't help you, but I love it.
I used to work on lucid dreaming intensively, about 6 months in after all my techniques & known lucid dream producing practices I was able to achieve a state of lucidity while asleep each night. I believe in you friend!
Do you have a dream journal? They can help you begin recognizing your dream patterns.
Other than that I also highly recommend using the hand/face method. In dreams you have more or less than 5 fingers. While in a dream if you look at your hand and notice you have more/less than 5 fingers you can sometimes bring yourself lucid but it takes practice to not wake up immediately from noticing/excitement. Another thing is we don't dream faces, our subconscious fills them from the personalities our brains are thinking of, try and look at the faces (or lack-thereof) of the people in your dreams to remind yourself you're dreaming.
I'm working I tried to make the tips coherent as possible, sorry for any errors there may be.
There are a few books on lucid dreaming I highly recommend, I'll get you the names once I'm home.
It's something you have to keep at every night, but it's so worth the time it takes to achieve. Thanks for this post, I'm going to start getting back into it. Once you can reach lucidity while dreaming you get to live two lives and it's so rewardingly beautiful & fun. If you have any questions feel free to ask :)
Edit: Book #1 & Book #2 / Book #3
Those three books are all great ones for lucid dreaming, I only used the first two (Stephen LaBerge, very smart guy) initially but I added the third book to my repertoire later on and I highly recommend it as well. They're all pretty cheap on Amazon!
Somebody should give him this book as a present
Not a lawyer but a Christian: this is a good book about healthy boundaries written by some smart Christians. Maybe she'd be receptive to it. Helped me out a lot way back in High School.
The times you're doing well, you're probably falling into a flow state and kicking ass. I found I was able to do really well playing CS:S right after a run back in highschool. I experience the same thing in Rocket League, where I'm able to read my opponenets really well and make great plays one hour, and that skill degrades over the next day or two until I take a break. When I come back, I clean house for an hour or two and then the decline begins again.
[Check out this article on flow states.] (http://www.innertransformationblog.com/2016/07/25/ultimate-human-performance/) Something I found very frustrating was how "random" I seemed to do well, and how the next day, I'd do WORSE. This still happens to this day, and this article touches on some of the mechanics behind that phenomenon.
If this is intriguing to you at all, I'd suggest you pick up the book "Flow" by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I'm still working my way through it, but it's considered one of the best books on the subject to date.
The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions
I recommend his book where he explains this more in depth. Great read for anyone interested. http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-Taboo-Against-Knowing/dp/0679723005
It's super simple so you should focus on refining the few details that make up the sprite. You have:
The animation tries to add depth but it isn't quite there. You could have its right eye (stage left) go from two pixels to three as it moves from profile to 3/4 view (maybe a single frame during that transition could have the third pixel at 50% alpha), and have its left eye only expand to two pixels (never three).
You could have the shadow on the head move slightly to make the head rotation more obvious. The legs are okay but could look better. If you're really interested in animation, brush up your skills by looking up some tutorials or get a book like The Animator's Survival Kit.
You may also want to stick with the pink color palette rather than the white so it doesn't look like a ghast.
EDIT: Just saw your comments regarding magnets. Maybe change the negative to a dark blue instead of white.
It's called Flow. Mihal Csikszentmihalyi wrote a pretty good book on it
Well said. I'm reminded of the book, Sex at Dawn in which the whole "males are more sexual than females" stereotype is debunked. A good read if you're interested in the subject.
I got you: Models by Mark Manson
I see two important threads in your post.
Regarding 1) Your suggestion to pick up meditation is a wise choice. As you probably already know, most treatments for depression involve either medication or psychotherapy using a variety of different theoretical frameworks. One commonly overlooked, but very effective type of therapy is dialectical behavior therapy, which employs mindfulness training. Meditation is an advanced form of mindfulness, and developing that skill can give her greater control over her thoughts and emotions, helping her to manage her symptoms. I recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286
I wish you the best of luck.
A few, in no particular order:
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
http://amzn.com/1591792576
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Collins Business Essentials)
http://amzn.com/006124189X
Mastering Your Hidden Self: A Guide to the Huna Way (A Quest Book)
http://amzn.com/0835605914
My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies
http://amzn.com/0671019872
Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)
http://amzn.com/1573244988
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
http://amzn.com/0061438294
The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature
http://amzn.com/0060556579
Outliers: The Story of Success
http://amzn.com/0316017930
Iron John: A Book About Men
http://amzn.com/0306813769
Keep a dream journal. When you wake up, don't get up, don't brush your teeth, don't get dressed. Lie there for a minute and take the time to recall your dream. Then jot it down. In time, you'll get used to it your dreams will come to you more easily.
EDIT: source, personal experience and this guy.
>Donald Trump literally wrote the book on negotiating.
He had a ghost writer that did the work for him, and he had some rather unkind words about his former boss.
Approximately 1/20 people are sociopaths. It doesn't even really make sense to call them mean—they're just enjoying themselves. They're scary and dangerous people.
There's a silver lining, though. That means 95% people aren't sociopaths and have a common and genuine sense of morality, fairness, and justice.
And the giant cloud to go with that silver lining is that, as a survival skill, sociopaths usually become experts at exploiting those tendencies to rope people into protecting them and even becoming complicit in their games.
Four year olds lie. It’s just part of the developmental stage. It doesn’t mean you have to punish it out of them.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen has some good strategies for keeping communication open and how to deal with lying.
I'm 28 now and doing well, but I had serious panic disorder when I was around your age. I have always been an anxious person, especially socially... I mean, even when I was a toddler I was worrying about things and getting anxious in groups. When I was around 16 I started getting panic attacks almost daily, mostly when I was at school. I know exactly what you mean about being too scared to go back to class during/after one - I was always a good student but after the panic attacks started I would ditch school to avoid those situations. I even literally walked out of class and drove home. Panic attacks are serious and they're NOT "normal nerves" when you're having them that frequently.
I think, as others have suggested, the best course of action is to talk to a trusted teacher or counselor at school about what's happening. If you have a doctor that you can see that might be helpful too. Personally, I saw my primary care doctor about the panic attacks and found out I have hypothyroidism, which either caused them initially or made them worse. Also, the doctor, teacher or counselor should be able to get you help or talk to your parents and convince them that what's happening isn't normal.
There are also other resources you can use on your own (although I think a therapist/counselor is the best course of action right now). These were all recommended to me by my therapist:
paniccenter.net has free online cognitive behavioral therapy tools for panic
Hope and Help for Your Nerves is a book by Claire Weekes that helped me a lot
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
If you can't get the books, I have both and can mail them to you for free if you'd like, just PM me. I hope everything gets better for you soon. I know it's REALLY tough to deal with panic and anxiety but it can get better. If you want to talk about it or have any questions you can PM me as well.
Maybe get them this book? :P. Or this one?
Really, if I were you I'd just get them something tongue-in-cheek about misanthropy.
"The Book: on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are" -- https://www.amazon.com/Book-Taboo-Against-Knowing-Who/dp/0679723005
Awesome title btw
>It's pretty funny that this same pattern can be seen in the other direction on the fringier ends of the right-wing subreddits, or even the comments in this one.
(((citation needed)))
>Accuse of violence: (check)
Oh you mean like the thousands of NRA people going around smacking people with
bike locksAR15 stocks?OF COURSE you have people resorting to violence on every side - given the enormous sample size it would be a legit miracle if there weren't any. However, the scale is very much tilted towards the left. You don't see Breitbart glorifying a Shakespear play where Barack Obama gets nailed to a cross and burned alive. However you DO see things - like - this from leftist sources.
Yeah that's not even close to comparable.
>Accuse of "(((parasitism)))": (all the checks)
We're getting there
>Dehumanize: (libtard, commie, shitskin, sweeping generalizations)
Never heard shitskin outside of legitimately racist circles. Citation needed.
Apart from that, those are insults. Not even close to being the same. This is a newspaper suggesting men should not be allowed to vote. Apples and oranges much?
Oh and look at that, Trump is a virus? Now we're 1:1, the NS people used that exact comparison (vermin, bacillus, virus et al) for the jews.
>Condone violence against them: /r/Physical_Removal
A 7000 sub subreddit about people hitting back? Well then I guess I'll concede, that's the overwhelming majority. Oh wait, Trump got some 63 million votes so those 7000 aren't even .012%. Even if I would accept your premise (which I don't), that's one out of 8350 people. Let's go to some leftist college campus like Berkeley and ask there how many of them would be okay with trump supporters getting beaten up - wanna bet it's slightly more than 1/8350?
>So what's the deal?
I guess that?
>Are we into some deep-level human nature victim mentality stuff, here?
No, we're in some "one side is salty they lost the election, now they're stirring up the exact kind of shit they're constantly accusing the other side of" stuff and here's the problem: this is not going to be the 1789 revolution where the glorious people win and drag the evil king to the guillotine, this is going to end up like 1832.
>humans have an affinity for underdog stories.
Bullets don't, and that's the issue.
>Maybe it's just a glitch in our pattern recognition. Law of Fives kinda stuff. The harder you look for something, the more likely you are to find it (even if it isn't, strictly speaking, true).
Or maybe we're slowly coming to the conclusion that intolerance must not be tolerated. The hilarious part being that those accusing of intolerance and those expressing intolerance are not as far apart as they'd like.
Someone posted a comment on the yahoo page that was a good main reason why this is an issue, at least in my opinion. Basically, troll reviews have been around forever, and a lot of times people want these reviews to be removed. Why do they only step in and take down the ones for Hillary? Why isn't this a site-wide policy of just immediately deleting negative reviews from people that haven't received the authorized purchaser logo or whatever? Yeah there's other places to bash her, but it's funny they just decide to enforce this for her.
For example, here is a link to Donald Trump's book, looking at 1-star reviews with verified purchaser only option turned off. Hmm, I could scroll through 40 pages of people that give it 1-star and haven't purchased the book. Then here's Clinton's book with the same search parameters. At the time I'm looking at it, there's literally 3 1-star reviews from people that don't have the verified purchase indicator. So 40 pages of 1-star reviews from non-buyers, versus 3 reviews. I'm not pro-Trump in the slightest, I just picked that as an example because it's very easy to bash him. Seems to me they're blatantly playing favorites...
I'll share my reading list for the next 12 months as it's how I plan to become a better learner:
 
Learning
Improving Maths
Improving Reading Speed
Algorithmic thinking
Understanding the Mind
Productivity
It's an ambitious reading list for the next 12 months as there is some heavy reading in there but hopefully you can get one or two useful suggestions from it!
I think the best place to start would be learning some traditional animation skills. Two really great resources are the Animators Survival Kit and The Illusion of Life. I would read the reviews to see what you think might be best. The Illusion of Life goes into a lot of Disney history and the history of animation itself. Once you get a feel for that, I'd check out Ross Plaskow's Youtube Channel. A lot of people say he has one of the best character animation tutorials. There's lots of different ways to animate characters (frame by frame, rigging with the puppet pins in after effects, rigging with duik in after effects, or rubber hose in after effects (a really easy to use way to create rubber hose style animation and my personal favorite), and adobe character animator - just to name a few. Just an FYI, I suck at character animation, I just really enjoy compiling educational resources. Anyways, I would suggest if you aren't feeling too confident, once you get the principles under your belt to invest in rubber hose if you can afford it. It's really simple to use which gets you making things faster, and I think that's one of the most important parts of learning (just having fun messing around and making stuff). School of Motion did a review on it if you wanna check that out, and Ross also shows how to use it for character animation on his channel. But just remember it's not about becoming dependant on the plugin, I just think it's a great way to get making things quickly.
https://www.coursera.org/learn/learning-how-to-learn helped my sister.
And the book "How to become a straight A Student" is what turned things around for me.
I went from always scrambling last minute, cramming, having 0 free time and still under achieving, to having enough free time to actually be involved in things I wanted to be involved with on and off campus. For the first time I was like "Oh! so this is what college can be like..".
Organization and time management is so important it's nuts.
Edit:
Side note, stuff like depression and anxiety can be SUPER draining mentally and WILL affect the amount of willpower you have available for stuff like time management and staying organized so if you're dealing with anything like that getting it 100% under control is the absolute best thing you can do for your GPA.
So the biggest mistake that a lot of students myself included make, is that they want to get into the really cool stuff first. Animating Spider-man and fight scenes and other bad ass stuff is absolutely why we do what we do. But before being able to do any of that, the fundamentals of animation really need to be hammered in. And the best way to do this is to animate very basic stuff like a ball, or a tail, doing this will help you understand weight and timing. One of the things that I heard repeated constantly in school was that a bouncing ball can be used in most objects, even someone like spiderman. Picture his hips are a ball, and then get the timing of that ball swinging perfect so that it looks like is actually swinging on something. And from there you can start adding more things that make it look real, start animating the arms, then the legs, and the body, and the head. Trying to dive head first with no experience into a complex character will lead to frustration and potentially bad habits.
​
Check out this video on the 12 Principles of Animation, it can seem kind of tedious to learn all of them, but they are all important, some more then others depending on the kind of animation you are doing.
​
For my experience, I started school in late 2011, and it took me 5 years of work to break into the industry after animating constantly. Mind you I was (am) an extremely slow learner with animation, I wasn't good at retaining the information and would constantly blaze past the boring stuff because I just wanted to animate "cool" stuff. I got a job finally last year, and since then I have worked on five different movies, 3 or 4 advertisements including briefly on a game cinematic, and am now currently working on a projected theme park show for one of the biggest theme parks in the world. Being where I am now came with a ton of hard work but also a fair amount of luck and willingness to make friends and connections.
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If you are serious about pursuing animation and you think you can become passionate about the art and the history behind it, then I would suggest pursuing some form of education in it. There are a ton of online schools with some very talented teachers, and while expensive, they are still cheaper then going to a university.
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Like I said, it has taken me forever to grasp animation, sometimes I still think the studios are making a mistake in hiring me haha, but I work hard and am eager to learn more. The best advice I can give you is to start basic, work your way up, learn the stuff about animation that only animators can see, and practice as often as you can.
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Edit: I figure I should mention this as well, a man named Richard Williams who unfortunately passed away just a few days ago wrote what is widely considered the animation bible. I doubt you will find an animator that doesn't own or hasn't put at least some time into reading it. I would highly suggest picking it up, it's called The Animator's Survival Kit, and it's as legendary as he is.
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook helped me with my anxiety.
It's not exactly a self-help book, but The Mind Illuminated has helped me learn more about meditation and mindfulness.
Hey monkeyfett, I'm sorry to hear about how bad you are feeling. What I found most helpful and motivating was The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (apologies for the mobile link). It looks as though there is also a Depression version if you think that's more appropriate to your situation. The two disorders can be similar and coexisting.
This workbook is written in a comforting and informative style and filled with helpful, nurturing information. It puts the power in your hands by giving you information to understand yourself and your condition and gives you tools to decide what's the best way to proceed for yourself.
It was awesome because you can take it at your own pace, and it is available 24/7 unlike a doctor or specialized program. They are extremely helpful if you haven't found the right program or doctor yet. There is a wealth of information that is well organized into a system, that helps you make up an action plan and tackle the different parts f this complex problem.
I can't recommend these workbooks enough, mine quite literally saved my life. Please feel free to reply or PM with any questions or if you want to talk.
In my opinion, talking to family about a fight between spouses is very inappropriate. Having a mentor that is not invested in the relationship would be ideal if she absolutely has to talk to someone. Have you read the book Boundaries together?
A few that come to mind, not sure if they are exactly what you want but very informative and interesting nonetheless!
"Taking Charge of Your Fertility" for the basics on female reproduction (most of which is not known by most women), also discusses ignorance and sexism in the medical particularly ob/gyn field. (recommend even if not interested in using Fertility Awareness Method as contraception/conception tool)
"The Egg & the Sperm: How Science Has Constructed a Romance Based on Stereotypical Male-Female Roles" - discusses how stereotypes shape descriptions of physiological processes, and has some pretty interesting info on functions of the egg during fertilization (i.e. it is not just a sitting duck passively awaiting penetration by the strong brave sperm).
And I'm currently reading "Testosterone Rex: Myths of Sex, Science, & Society" - only about half done but so far have read sections on sexual activity and "brain sex" - generally debunking the socially constructed ideas of differences in the two and the traditional evopsych narratives. Which might be another angle to consider.
This book "The mindful way through depression" offers amazing insights into how we create and maintain depression by the way we wear ourselves out in fruitless rumination.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1593851286/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/187-3809794-7607108
I highly recommend it to you. Also, get your exercise in whatever time of day you can, it will help with mood and getting out of your rut.
Great post. I recommend “The Mindful Way Through Depression” which has similar ideas http://amzn.com/1593851286. Jon Kabat-Zinn, the meditation guru, is one of the authors.
Regardless of whether you should take a second job, it's just none of their business. Set up some boundaries with your family. Check out this book.
All about Lucid Dreams. How to, sǝɔuǝıɹǝdxǝ, etc.
Please take discussions of the paranormal such as astral projection someplace else. Binaural beats are also inappropriate. Let's keep this in the realm of science.
Welcome to r/LucidDreaming! Please check out the sidebar and Wiki before posting.
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Some good ןɐıɹoʇnʇ links
For when you are ready to obsess
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Lucid Dreaming Acronyms
LD - Lucid Dreaming - Being aware that you are dreaming while in a dream.
RC - Reality Check - A test to establish whether you are in a dream or waking life, actively done during the day in hopes that the habit will continue within dreams.
DC - Dream Character - Any personality you encounter other than yourself...well, occasionally it can also be yourself.
WBTB-Wake Back To Bed - Waking up for 20-30 minutes, then going back to bed increases the chances of lucid dreaming. Use that time to read about lucid dreaming or plan your dreams, and make your intention solid. Can be combined with other techniques.
MILD - Mnemonically Induced Lucid Dream - In short, MILD is telling yourself as you are in bed ready to sleep that you are going to become lucid when you dream, then visualizing yourself in a dream becoming lucid. Repeat until you fall asleep.
WILD - Wake-Induced Lucid Dream - A technique in which you maintain consciousness while your body falls asleep. Not for the squeamish.
FILD - Finger-Induced Lucid Dream - A technique using subtle finger movements as you fall asleep.
SSILD - Sense-Induced Lucid Dream - A technique where you use awareness of your various senses as you cycle through them while falling asleep.
False Awakening - False Awakening is in essence just dreaming that you woke up, only to usually immediately after either actually wake or have another dream of waking up from the previous dreams. Those can often happen multiple times in sequence. It can be a bit jarring but also fun. If those happen often use it to do a reality check every time you wake up (or think you do).
SP - Sleep Paralysis - A natural, safe part of the process of falling asleep which causes you to be unable to move your body. The paralysis process happens to you every time you go to sleep. When you WILD and experience SP, you are conscious while it happens. Sometimes you may be visited by the dream transition buddies--relax and enjoy the show until you can interact with your environment. Attempting to induce SP is NOT required to achieve lucidity.
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493
But you could start off by reading the book by Allen Pease:
https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a good place to start :)
Also How to Win Friends and Influence People is great for learning how to be an adult in a social setting and look good while doing it.
Twin parent here too, with kids around the same age. This book was incredibly helpful for us in reframing how we communicate. They’ll clean up their toys now, brush their teeth, get dressed, etc. without it being a hassle. I hope it helps you too.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663889/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_i_ErgZCbF1850NS
Judging by your bros channel he seems really into animation, theres a awesome book called the The Animator's Survival Kit it covers everything and can be applied to any type of animation.
How To Win Friends and Influence People is a good place to start.
It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.
However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.
If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.
However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.
So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.
https://www.headspace.com/
http://stronglifts.com/
http://altshiftdiet.com/
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
Best of luck!
Welcome! My first advice is to get yourself a copy of this book. It will explain just about everything you need to know about how your cycle works! It is a huge help and I wish I'd read it years ago just to understand my body better. It talks about tracking your temperatures to see if/when you ovulate and goes into tracking your cervical fluid as well.
Start taking prenatal vitamins! I like the yummy gummy ones. Are you on hormonal birth control at the moment? Most doctors recommend that you go off of it 2-3 cycles before actually TTC to let your body get back to normal, but sometimes it can take many months.
I use the Fertility Friend app, which seems to be the most popular around here. It's great, you can track your BBT, CM and other symptoms, compare your charts to others, search for specific types of charts, lots of info there!
Best of luck, hope you're not here long!
I've been reading Sex at Dawn recently which argues that in our agricultural ancestors lived non-monogamous lives during our hunter-gatherer days. The gist of it is that humans spent most of humanity living an egalitarian lifestyle that in a historical sense, was only disrupted recently.
While the book has nothing at all to do with UBI, reading between the lines it would seem that humans have the wiring to return to that sort of lifestyle, but we have a couple centuries of cultural baggage we need to get past.
This lines up pretty well with the book Sex at Dawn, which I read recently. It's quite an interesting read.
You should also look into The Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams, the guy behind The Thief and the Cobbler and animation director for Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Outliers is a great book. everyone should read it.
Dude, women are people--not assets. This is a person you like. Definitely stay friends with her.
Read Models by Mark Manson and watch this crappy quality video of one of his talks. Best beginner advice there is.
Warning: I'm going to shit all over your post and you will be mad about it. But if you really want to improve, you will swallow this bitter medicine and start on the road to actually becoming attractive.
> I'm not entitled
Yes you are. This whole post is dripping with resentment because things aren't going your way.
Does that upset you? It will because we aren't going to take your bullshit.
I hate to rain on your pity parade, but that's life. Nobody is going to hand you the keys to riches or women just because you fucking want it. You need to put your shoulders to the plough and work for it.
> I believe I'm cursed
The universe is incapable of blessing or cursing anybody. You have a bad case of demanding the universe (and women) should like you because you are friendly to them and they are friendly in return.
It doesn't work like that.
Literally this whole post can be boiled down to a spoiled child throwing a tantrum because his favorite toy was taken away.
You can cry about it, or you can make yourself better.
> I literally get friendzoned by every single girl.
That's because you aren't being honest with them or yourself. You want to bang these women, but you don't have a spine to actually show them that intent until long after you feel safe that they like you. You are sneaking around their emotions like a thief. You are trying to trick them into bed with a fake facade of "being nice".
Literally, you are a coward.
You won't make a sexual move until long after the friend relationship has started.
> I'm 100% convinced like me who just flat out act like I'm the most hideous guy when I actually have the balls to escalate our situation.
But you don't escalate the situation. You friendzone them immediately. You make no move. Then, long after the friend relationship is established, your real intent comes out and she realizes that the previous relationship was a complete and utter lie to try and get into her pants.
Imagine your best friend suddenly confessed his undying love to you. How would you react? Like a little snot-nosed shit, if this post is any indication.
> I truly don't see why [my friends] have success and I don't [...] they aren't that much different from me.
I see this all the time at my gym. People come wanting to have the washboard abs and the chiseled chest, but what do they do? They show up for two days, then never come back again. I see this over and over. You know who gets those abs? Those who put hundreds of hours in the gym. There is no shortcut.
You know why your friends are successful? They talked, flirted, and were rejected by hundreds of girls before finding the one "who wants the D". But you don't see all that hard work. You only notice their results. They are different from you because they put in the work and you did not. For whatever reason, you don't see how much work they put into their game.
You aren't going to get rippling pectorals from two pullups. It takes hundreds of pullups before you see results. Likewise, it takes hundreds of approaches and rejections before you start seeing results and improvements with women.
>I do everything right but still fail
You want to know a secret? You can do everything right and still fail. Not every girl is going to like you. Not every girl is going to sleep with you. Most of all, these girls aren't going to put up with your bullshit.
>Any advice?
So you made it this far without ragequitting. There might be hope for you yet.
First, flush all of that bullshit I've pointed out from your system. Write off all the "progress" you think you've made. You need to get back to the basics and practice fundamentals. If you aren't prepared for a long hard grind, then stop reading right now and come back when you are humiliated and humbled enough to actually start grinding.
Now I want you to pick up a copy of Models. Read the whole thing. Thanksgiving is coming up, so I know you will have time. Especially the first part.
Did that book sink in? If not, go reread it again.
Now read your post above. Think about what you've read and look at how your neediness, entitlement, and bitter resentment is gushing throughout your post.
Next is fucking bootcamp. You need to rack up approaches and rejections like a junkie with a bad habit. You need to put in the sweat and blood and fear flirting is reflexive. This isn't a Q&A subreddit. This is a gym. We can help, but only if you put in the work. There are no shortcuts here.
Along the way, you need to build out yourself into somebody attractive. There are hundreds of posts about "Inner Game" here and Models talks about it extensively in the first part. This is how you become a better person. This is how you kill resentment and bitterness. This is how you become a better man.
And finally, so there are no surprises, this takes a long time and it takes effort. Hundreds of approaches. Hundreds of rejections. How fast or slow you progress is directly proportional to the effort and time you put in. Again, no shortcuts.
This will take months. It might take years. It's all up to you.
Now, are you going to start the grind, or will you continue to complain?
Try one hand clasping the other wrist combined with your head down, otherwise known as the "mormon second wife" look.
For a more assertive look, try both thumbs in the slightly side back lip of your jeans.
I've also found this book useful in figuring out what I should do with my body pose.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1343784770&sr=8-4&keywords=guide+to+body+language
same reason we cover our mouths when we yawn. opening our mouths makes us become a more 'vulnerable' target to a predator, so we cover our mouths to hide the vulnerability. Its just another trait we picked up from our ancestors that really isn't a learned behavior but more instinctual.
same thing goes for when people cross their arms across their chest. they don't like what they're hearing and/or they are unsure about the situation they're in. the arm crossing is an instinctual behavior to cover your vital organs.
check out this book if this stuff interests you.
Science gives us elegant, nominal explanations of the universe which codify its operations/functions in useful terms and ideas. Science let us explore the universe and build incredible things, and generally really understand how things work (although, as we see at the quantum level, our understanding is still highly limited). Science certainly has a graceful art at its heart - for example in, say, the simulation of geometric patterns corresponding to snowflakes in flight, or the marvelous wave-particle duality in quantum physics, or the magnificent taxonomy of our planet's species, or our grandest ideas about the unobservable universe.
Yet, no matter what science can provide us, it is knowledge about an ultimately empty reality. The knowledge that science provides us is knowledge of what exists dependently, which is, therefore, actually knowledge that does not see the emptiness of the studied phenomena, only its form.
When phenomena are seen to be empty, what happens to he seeking to calculate the quantum physical laws? Not just phenomena, but that self observing it, is empty. When this emptiness is realized, this artificial distinction between the observer and observed is destroyed with crystal Samadhi.
We need knowledge that things exist dependently. We need the Dharma to overcome suffering. Science nor nothing else will be to do that, but it does seem quantum physics may represent the closest theoretical models pointing to the Dharma, in a creative analogical way.
Some pointers are found in the most cutting edge quantum physics. Impermanence abounds at the quantum level in paradoxical ways, for example. This is so exciting to me, to see Dharma 's illumination so brightly in modern science: I believe if you look carefully, there is a lot to learn in modern astrophysics and quantum science. The references to how perception shapes reality, how perceiver and perceived interpenetrate, are staggeringly numerous in many fields as complex as string theory.
Therefore, the inability of science to never actually explain reality completely like the Dharma, does not diminish the beauty of modern science. We must always be aware of the nature of reality, at the ultimate level, and by doing so we can even more greatly appreciate the mystery and beauty of the conventionally existent universe, in which our existence appears inseparable from everything else, and our quantum understanding of which is increasingly analogical to the Dharma.
If this piques your interest, then definitely read The Tao of Physics
I want to tag Alan Watts! That beautiful man says this elegantly. Please read his books, everyone, especially The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. :)
u/En_lighten, u/UsYntax
Not all sociopaths are murderous psychopaths. There's a really good book called The Sociopath Next Door that describes how the unmotivated sociopath could simply just lie and manipulate to get someone to cover his bills, for example.
Edited to correct autocorrect
It's hard to define "credit" in such scenarios.
For example: If I build an app from scratch and it takes off and I become a millionaire, I did that, myself, completely, right?
But...if I had the free time to do that because my parents gave me free housing and food, and they happened to live in Silicon Valley, giving me easy access to market it to higher-ups- didn't I technically have an advantage over someone else who might've been able to do the same thing?
But that doesn't take away from all the work I did.
The book Outliers is a fascinating take on this subject. The basic conclusion is that all (most?) ultra-successful people are a combination of luck (through birthright or location) and skill, but we as people want to believe it's primarily skill.
Intimate Connections and How to Win Friends and Influence People.
You could try How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. There are separate versions for “Little Kids” and “Teens” as well. I’m not sure how old your kids are, but I also liked [1-2-3 Magic](1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting https://www.amazon.com/dp/149262988X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_88L2AbPWR1BCY) for my son it really helped. Good luck!
Red? Consequences?
Sorry, but I go with the belief that kids are a direct reflection of what we do and do not teach them. If they are failing in your eyes, you might want to consider a different approach to how you parent them.
Down vote away, I'm used to it. But at least consider what I'm saying.
Getting people to do things, at any age, in all the right ways, is all a function of communication. At the core: trust and respect. If you don't have trust and respect in any relationship, then you don't have a relationship, and you can expect some level of failure.
As a parent and an adult, you take a lead role in the relationship. You really can't or shouldn't blame your kid for anything. They are a direct by-product of you and your methods for working with them. They mirror you, and they look to you for total guidance.
I even take this as far as never disciplining a child. Structure and rules to some degree, but never discipline. And really REALLY strong coaching and proper reinforcement.
At least consider it.
EDIT: One of the best books that I think every parent should read, and for that matter, everybody should read (no kids or not) is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Hey girly!
I definitely use OPKs, but only really found them useful after I had an idea of when I ovulated, which I figured out through charting. *A note on charting: The first months are very hellish. You'll drive yourself nuts if you try to analyze it all, so I'd recommend starting it when life is kind of slow!
I use these OPKs because they came in a combo pack with HPTs and they've been really reliable. I use this thermometer because I like that it beeps when it's getting the temp (note on BBTs, they take about one full minute to get an accurate temp, so you do have to be a bit patient with them!) and it also has a backlight. I temp vaginally because I want to get the most accurate readings, so the beeping does not bother my husband since it's all under the sheets. Definitely start temping CD1 of your period and make sure you're getting the temp right when you wake up (I have an alarm set for 6:30am because I will never be awake on my own then!)
I wouldn't worry about supplements until you have at least three months of charting under your belt. No need to throw everything off...just see how your body works naturally.
This book is the fertility bible to most women and has a lot of helpful information. For charting, FertilityFriend is a great place to start and also has a handy dandy mobile app. You can also poke around in /r/TFABChartStalkers for charting help once you start.
If you can hold out...try to not test before your period is due. Trust me, squinters on pregnancy tests are NIGHTMARES to cope with, totally not worth it, and are avoidable. I wish someone had told me this when I started TTC because it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
I hope you find the support you need here and please feel free to PM me with any questions that you come up with! I've been around the block a few times and can definitely help out :)
It's late, and I kind of skimmed, but here are some thoughts.
This is spaced repetition. What Anki does is optimizing this process to minimize the number of repetitions per item over the long term, which becomes vital as the size of your deck grows.
Nope, no way. You can't keep track of thousands of paper cards. You can't travel with them. You can't search for a card by its content. You can't label them and fish up a set of related cards instantly. You can't reformat them instantly.
Basically, there are good and bad ways to use Anki, and these issues have been discussed to death on the internet. Not only that, but there are probably differences in preferences with things like language learning and SRS, and some things that work well for some people just won't for others. There's enough here to suggest that you are probably causing yourself unnecessary problems with Anki. I can speak from experience that I've had times when Anki worked extremely well for me and times when it didn't, and the distinguishing factor was that in the latter I was over-complicating things or overwhelming myself unnecessarily.
Sidenote: a while back I had a little box from White Rabbit Press with colored dividers. The idea was to use it for simple spaced repetition of small batches of their Kanji flashcards. Another thing some people like are ring-bound mini vocab cards, though those are not good for spaced repetition.
Personally, I'd keep using simple lists if that works for you. In fact, if you create your lists as a spreadsheet, you can print them to learn, and then export as a CSV file to get them into Anki. You can even shuffle and reprint them if you feel like you need an extra "learning" round.
Final thought: I cannot take the paper notes vs laptop thing seriously. This requires a lot of explaining, but the gist of it is:
Here you are
You'll see this one recommended a lot :
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a classic and for good reason. I always find myself going back to it. In fact there are quite a few books I'd argue that build upon it
Another very good one is by Leil Lowndes called
How to Talk to Anyone. It gives a lot of useful tips on how to make conversations exciting and vibrant.
Also, John Sonmez's books are really good too because they focus on communication skills from a developers point of view. I really liked these because it also teaches how to develop your career and start your own brand:
These are just off the top of my head, I'm sure there are plenty more. Hope that helped!
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468922583&sr=8-1&keywords=art+of+the+deal
Trumps timing is impeccable. He talks about the importance of timing
in his book The Art of the deal. Under budget and ahead of schedule!
Send him this link. https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493
Please do not interpret what i'm about to say as me being an asshole (although I often have been accused as such). I'm trying to help, rather than bullshit you with the equivalent of a participation trophy or a motherly pat on the back.
I'm stating this with love (although it is tough love): If I've ever seen someone that needs r/TheRedPill, its you my friend. I'm not saying that you should become an asshole or be disrespectful to women, but rather that you should focus on building yourself up in the same style. There is absolutely the capacity to be an alpha male within you. And that's what women will find attractive consistently. I'm not saying you should become a macho chump poser that demeans and disrespects women (that's not what a real alpha male does anyway), but rather that you should identify and adopt the characteristics of an alpha male that women find attractive and craft your own new persona. Root out the JW mindset and adopt a new one. Got me?
Its time to work on yourself rather than working on trying to get laid. Its time to grow a pair of balls. Now, rather than simply saying "grow a pair of balls", let me try to help and give some recommendations of how you might go about doing that.
Get a gym membership (maybe check and see if your university has one that you can use free), and try the Starting Strength program. See here: https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738/
Starting strength will make a man out of you. One tip: Don't use the smith machine. Use a real squat rack. Yes, its required. Yes, with barbells.
Read this book too, its a real eye opener for reading people (including women): https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/
Read up on affirmations, how to make them and use them, and start using them DAILY, maybe even more often than once a day. You probably don't need a book to research this, a simple google search will do. Harness the power of positive self-talk.
The words you say to yourself in your head or mutter to yourself quietly when nobody else is listening have a huge effect on how you view yourself. And by extension, others (especially women) can sense how much value you perceive that you have, and often will treat you in accord with that value you project.
>My date was kind of rude as she actually took a phone call from her male friend within the first 10-20 minutes of the date, I think she was even flipping through Tinder as we were talking.
This should have been an early warning signal letting you know that she wasn't worth your time. She didn't value your time and presence (and that is likely because you didn't establish your own value to her).
>Of course my problems only make me feel worse as one of my roommates is like extremely fit black young Hugh Hefner. This guy fucks all the time, like weekly.
That is fucking hilarious lol, but I really sympathize with you. I'm sure its torture that he's getting laid every night and you have to listen to the fucking. Is this guy friendly towards you? Is he willing to help with your issues? You never know, he may take some pity on you and help you to work on yourself a bit. Even if he isn't, pay attention closely to his attitudes and interactions with women and with others wherever you can. Don't try to be an exact copy of him, but watch for attitudes, words, and actions that he manifests that feel right for you, and that you could adopt into your own new persona.
>I feel especially shitty as "technically" I'm not a virgin because I fucked who I thought was going to be a women through MeetMe, but it turned out to be a transgender dude, my fault I guess as further inspection of the photos made it more obvious. I was going to leave but I was persuaded by an offer of a blowjob. I figured this was the first time I was offered anything sexual and I was under a lot of family related stress at the time so I said fuck it and got a BJ, and had to reciprocate him in the backside.
This is some 4chan shit right here, so allow me to present the appropriate meme: http://www.lememe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/55556666.png
Don't beat yourself up too bad. Its behind you, and you never have to do this again if this type of hook up is not your style.
>So apparently finding a dude that wants to fuck is incredibly easy, finding a women in my case is like hunting for the holy fucking grail.
Yes, that's the honest to god truth when you don't project enough value to others. The only people you attract are people who are as desperate as you are.
>Don't get me wrong that all I want is sex, yes sex would be awesome, but I'm not afraid to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm not going to turn down a hookup.
This screams desperation. You need to drop this mindset immediately. (Again, affirmations will help with this)
>My philosophy is just honoring whatever dating arrangement I agree to with a person, I have no religious reasons.
Again, desperation, compliance, submission. These traits will not attract women - at least not desirable ones.
>I tried talking to some women at parties, asked one to dance and she said no, even though she was standing against the wall not doing anything...
Again, you projected a lack of value, she judged you on the surface because of the lack of value you projected, and shut you down.
>...asked another how she was doing and she said good and that was it, and I had a little more luck at my last party as I got to help a girl with her Microsoft Access homework, we high-fived and were both wasted. I asked her if she was single and she said yes, but that she was just visiting and was going back home in a couple of days, so I just shook her hand and said it was nice we met.
That didn't mean she wasn't DTF my friend. She may have just been waiting for you to move on her. Lots of times, women are waiting for a man to confidently take charge when it comes to initiating sex. I'm sure nobody ever told you that (hell, nobody told ME that!!), but it is often true :)
>I'm giving this college thing one more semester before I call it quits. I'm not going to get another degree if it requires me to be miserable and single for another 3 years. I mean I'm charting into 30 year old wizard territory at this point and it scares the shit out of me. My friends have been trying to get me to move to Florida and I just may take them up on the offer.
Changing your location without changing your mindset is not likely to make a significant change to your circumstances. Although, it could offer you the opportunity to a fresh start, which could be helpful :)
>Any advice would be appreciated, I just feel the cult has taken a huge chunk of my life away when I was supposed to learn valuable social skills. I feel like a fucking child or an alien learning how to be human, even though I have been out of the cult for quite some time now, but have really only been away from toxic family for four months.
Yes, that's probably what happened. And its up to you to change it. Nobody else is going to do it for you. So stop wallowing in your own misery and change it. (Respectfully, with tough love, man to man.)
>My plan for next semester is
joining some clubs, going to bars, and going more parties, and trying to strike up more conversations with women in classgetting a gym membership, working on your self esteem and your ability to project your value to the opposite sex, and learning how to interact with women in a way that makes you attractive.>If nothing happens in the second semester I'm just going to say fuck it and move, I'm at a point in my life were I'm tired of going out to eat by myself, shopping by myself, watching movies by myself, and doing everything else by my fucking self. All I did this Thanksgiving was sleep and get drunk. I've read all those articles about "loving yourself first", this isn't a problem about loving myself, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just so fucking sick of being alone, I don't have a family, I have no one close to me.
I feel your pain man. Now is not the time to give up, but it is time to change your approach.
As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:
I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)
Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)
I'm so bad at this too! I can recall three different times when my friends have told me that some guy was "totally into me" and I was completely oblivious. I tend to be that way with body language in general as well. I found this, which seems to be a fairly straight-forward step-by-step guide to flirting. And here is the book they reference in it. I dunno, might be worth a read. In any case, it seems like it is something we may need to practice. :P
I read The Book by Alan Watts
Definitely not buying your book just to find out what your "credentials" are. Let me guess, you read The Sociopath Next Door and deemed yourself an expert?
This is not a question of trigger points, its a question of the fundamental stress reaction that is very similar for all creatures with a spinal cord. Stress stimulates the amygdala which may induce the release of epinephrine, norepinephrine, and acetylcholine. These neurotransmitters are involved in increasing heart rate, increasing alertness, and contracting muscles. We surmise the intent is to keep you alert to life threatening danger and ready to 'fight or flee'. In the past, this reaction only needed to last for a few minutes at the max (for example to fight or run from a lion).
The problem that occurs in modernity is that many of the threats that stimulate the stress response are not actually immediate and life threatening. The result is muscle tightness, increased heart rate, and alertness that goes on for very long periods of time. With prolonged stress, you can eventually trigger a huge dose of epinephrine that induces a panic attack. Yes, panic attacks have physical symptoms that are an exaggeration of what I just mentioned and can also include tunnel vision, loss of blood flow to extremities, double your resting heart rate while engaged in no physical activity - you feel like there is something wrong and you will die. Additionally, you can imagine, that like a car running at 8000rpm all day, having high heart rate and arousal constantly due to stress will reduce your life expectancy. The key is to get better at realizing which situations matter and which don't (most of them).
Source: I suffered from Generalized Anxiety and Panic Attacks 2 years ago. Fortunately, I haven't had a panic attack since 2014 with the help of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (which lets you practice noticing more things without judgment until it becomes your automatic reaction). HTH
One of the best books on mental health + mindfulness techniques + research results: http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286
Scientific Source:http://www.nature.com/mp/journal/v6/n1/full/4000812a.html
Two items.
Book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-through-Depression/dp/1593851286
Lecture (free): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc
Ignore the title of the book and just do the exercises as specified. I was stuck in a treatment resistant manic depression and was willing to try anything--even things that I didn't believe in, like meditation. I got the book and following the instructions to meditate every day. I chose 5AM and went for 12 weeks straight without skipping. In the process I discovered that meditation works by getting you conscious mind out of the way so that the rest of your mind can get to work resolving your problems. It's a therapy that you do yourself where your mind is both the therapist and the subject. I thought it was nonsense, but it turned out to be revelatory.
The free lecture was given to google employees at their invitation. The lecturer is the best known researcher in the application of mindfulness meditation to modern medicine. In the past few years a number of serious clinical studies have demonstrated efficacy in areas such as: chronic pain management, anxiety, depression, stress. New brain scans have also revealed that even novices who meditate a few minutes a day can induce both functional and morphological changes in their brains. [this study showed that thinking can have a direct impact on the physical world. something that was considered to be impossible for thousands of years.]
I am deep skeptic. I am not religious. But this empirically works.
Just give it a try.
I used to be a nice guy, who thought I was screwed just by being a decent person. Last summer, I was a completely different person than I am now. I have changed tremendously.
Some of that was because I read a book from amazon called "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's a great book, but it taught me that women aren't attracted to men who value someone else's opinions more than their own. Women are attracted to a man who knows what he wants.
I used to obsess over everyone's opinion of me. Everyone had to like me. Now, I do what makes me happy. That's all that matters to me. If I'm happy, then what else could I want. That said, I still get told frequently that I am always nice. Nice because I am polite to people who treat me with respect. You respect me, I respect you. That simple.
Nice guys maintain this delusion because they think if they show everyone how nice they can be, that will get everyone to like them. But no one will have respect for a man that doesn't respect himself just because a few people don't respect him.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
It's amazing how much behavior overlap there is between end-users and children.
The cis-het lean of my choices is unintentional.
Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler taught me so much about my cycle that I didn't know, and I considered myself extremely well educated about sexual health. Useful info.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft is primarily written about male abusers from the perspective of a court-appointed domestic abuse counselor but specifies the information is useful for all gendered situations. I have recommended this book to so many women who do not recognize abusive situations. It elucidated a lot about my relationships and the nature of abuse. It really understands how find yourself in an abusive situation despite your best intentions, but insists you must leave for your safety and is very clear about the ubiquitous escalation from psychological/verbal abuse to physical harm and death. This is an Intervention book if you know someone who needs help getting out of a shitty relationship.
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant- so this is a weird choice maybe to be coming from me, an atheist, but this is reimagined Biblical fiction about a daughter of Jacob. It's been a long time since I read it but I remember being impressed by the idea of elevating a woman's voice from Biblical times, giving her agency, and reflecting on the ritualistic ties that bind women together (in this case, menstruation and midwifery). I'm sure there's all sorts of problematic stuff re: that pesky underlying belief system/Bronze Age patriarchy/elevation of motherhood as the epitome of female experience, et al. But I don't remember that? The thing that stuck with me was just a powerful story of womanhood, so that's gotta say something. (If any of you have read this more recently and want to tell me this is actually a terrible choice, I'm willing to concede that I have an awful memory, so the details may sink this one.).
I would suggest reading this book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331859408&sr=8-1
And follow what it says. It's helped me be a nicer, more affable person.
Read Leil Lowdnes "how to talk to anyone" its a really good book that I've used to help people who struggle with that. One technique for instance is paying attention to what people say. If someone says, "man this rain is probably fucking up plants at home." Guess what they may want to talk about? Plants. One big thing I also learned was be interested don't try to be interesting. Let me know what you think. Check the link to her book below.
HOW TO TALK TO ANYONE
I lurk here for advice on how to deal with people in my life.
My atheist friend described us "Christian folk" (such a cute title) as bad with boundaries. It is very true.
The Boundaries book was really helpful to me and remains so.
When I mention my work in trying to build better boundaries, my Mom will say it sounds cold. 😔
Christians generally want to be loving to everyone and narcs can easily use that to manipulate.
Edit to add Amazon link Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0310247454/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_KVpBCbVBAFVCD
(I support World Vision with Amazon Smile)
Oh man, man, man. I've encountered so many, but it still surprises me when I run across someone who's going through exactly the same thing I went through. We always feel so alone, right? I lost my virginity at age 27. And not just my virginity, she was the first girl I slept with, cuddled, made out with, my first girlfriend, the whole deal. I wanted a girlfriend since before I was 8 years old, but I had a lot of issues that got in the way. I won't bore you with the details.
I can't offer any comfort except to say that I know exactly how you feel. I still deal with envy sometimes even now. I'll throw out the books that really put me on the right path, just in case you're looking for something to read. The Gifts of Imperfection, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Models. Models is the best how-to guide to dating I've read. The other two were necessary to get me to a place where I could put those lessons into practice. Take care of yourself. Sex might seem like a huge deal, but you are really doing fine. Everyone figures out different things at different times.
Friend, I mean this in the nicest way possible, I think your PUA training was pretty shitty. Reading your 5 approaches/openers...I don't see how any of them would work, esp here in my home city (NYC). Some of the stuff was straight up cringeworthy =(
What I would do differently (please take this w/ a grain of salt - it's just my own opinions):
And do drunk-I-Love-You-Lines work? It sounds weird to me. If a girl asked me that, I'd reply "no drunk I Love you's don't count, and I don't give 2 shits about your friend Nick/Steve/Jenny/Fuckface." I wouldn't use this as an opener, but maybe after a couple minutes of establishing your high value and her interest level in what you have to say. Why, you ask? Because it's really not that interesting of a question, and so far, you have given her 0 reasons to continue this conversation beyond "hello".
Finally, I would recommend this book for you (it's my pickup bible): http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24
This is the purest and best way to go in my opinion. Not only will it make your romantic life better, it will make you better and more confident in all aspects of your life as well.
As for how to obtain it, I strongly recommend getting started with Mark Manson's book, "Models". It helped me through some tough times and built me up in a healthy way.
An excellent book on these types of people: The Sociopath Next Door
It begins, "Imagine - if you can - not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful or immoral action you had taken. And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools. Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs. Since everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless. You are not held back from any of your desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your cold-bloodedness. The ice water in your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience, that they seldom even guess at your condition. In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world. You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences, will most likely remain undiscovered."
Supposedly 1 in 25 people, or 4% of the U.S. population is like this. Personally, I wish I had been better educated about these types of people and how they operate, because a couple of them really f*cked up my life and almost killed me.
Cool. Grab a hold of Cal Newport's book called How to Become a Straight-A Student if you haven't read it already. It's a classic. You could find a free copy online but of course I would never ever recommend that.
Don't use your phone to browse, especially while walking.
/u/teaandtalk Gave you good advice for how to behave on campus.
Classroom: Take notes by hand. Once, I started a conversation with someone because she had a gorgeous bujo (bullet journal). Good notes make you appear competent. Competence will encourage others to approach you and form study groups, which are easy ways to create a support network on campus. When you are unique (but not distracting) you stand out. Compliments are easy ice breakers in the classroom because they're quick but let you connect over a shared interest.
Transportation/Packing: This one is a big issue for me because my school has a behemoth of a campus. :) Always wear comfortable shoes. If you need to dress up, put heels in your bag for the meeting/event. Only carry the essentials. Invest in a tablet and download electronic copies of your books. Only bring your laptop when you need to use software that's not on a smaller device. Buy a good USB stick. Carry chapstick and water, and a travel-size deodorant and sunscreen. Baby wipes and bandaids are a good idea if you have space. I love JetPens because they have a lot of organizers and cases that are handy. You don't need more than 2 pens, 2 highlighters, a pencil, an eraser, and spare lead.
General: I don't know what year you are, but I recommend Cal Newport's book How To Become A Straight A Student no matter what point of your education you're at. Learn how to save time, because having leisure time means less stress which makes you appear more feminine to men and approachable in general. Practice good self-care and take care of your appearance. Never wear revealing/provocative, dirty, or weather-inappropriate clothes to school; they make you look unprofessional.
Welcome! Nothing insensitive about it - we all start somewhere :)
Book recommendations: Taking Charge of your Fertility will teach you more than you ever wanted to know about reproduction and trying to conceive. It's great!
My only other product recommendation is a basal thermometer for tracking ovulation. It's a pretty easy habit to get into and will confirm when and if you are ovulating. The book talks about that a lot.
Otherwise, start taking prenatals now (you want that stuff to be in your system BEFORE conception!), and start looking at improving your health in general. Nothing particularly "Trying for a baby" related there, just you know, eat a healthy diet, drink plenty of water and exercise regularly as best you can!
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493
Second best book to only the bible. Teaches you how to make great fantastic incredibly classy deals.
> I really don't want to give up on standard, as I really enjoy this game, but should I compromise my personal feelings in order to achieve better results?
Eh, if you're not into the deck you are playing, you will always put up subpar results because you will not achieve a "flow state". Flow (http://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi/dp/0061339202) is essential for maximum performance in any game or sport.
I'd suggest that you just scour more videos, articles and mtgtop8 results until you find something that appeals to you. Proxy/use tappedout. What appealed to you most about Jund decks of last standard? They don't play the same, but there's a number of competitive Walker builds out there, and IMO Nissa seems criminally underplayed rightnow after making a big splash before rotation.
I have also been struggling to find a deck I like until I settled on Mardu Midrange very recently and am really enjoying it.
Yes, exactly. Like any sport such as tennis, or any hobby for example where you feel connected to the device. It's called "flow" and a great book on the subject is this:
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1540489702&sr=8-2
As much as I want to agree with this, I've always found the whole dictum of 'discipline' to be kinda... lacking. Let me tell you an anecdote.
if I'm good at anything in my entire life, it's probably programming. I've been doing it for 15 years or so. I've made popular games, websites, worked for multiple companies, gainful employment, open source projects with hundreds of thousands of downloads, blah blah blah. Not trying to brag, just trying to get across the point that I am indeed competent.
Anyways, I hear people on Reddit saying that you need discipline and that you should just force yourself to do it even if you don't want to. Thing is, did I use discipline to get as good as I am at programming?
No.
I do programming because I enjoy it. Programming is one of the most fun activities that I do. Heck, I was programming just now (at 2AM) before I switched over to Reddit to troll some people - err, I mean respond to your post. :) Just doing some fun little side work, and enjoying myself. There's nothing disciplined about what I was doing. I didn't force myself to open up my IDE. I just did, because it's fun. This is 100% the essence of what makes me a good programmer.
And so when I see everyone on Reddit saying that discipline is the way to enlightenment, I get sad. Because if I had followed that ideology instead of doing the stuff that I enjoy, I wouldn't be who I am today.
Humans aren't robots. If you take a guy and force him to do with discipline an activity he isn't really enjoying, he's still not going to enjoy it. He'll feel bad that he doesn't like it, and he'll get distracted and disappointed in himself for getting distracted, and etc etc.
If you take a guy and let him do an activity he wants to do, you won't have to force him or make him disciplined. He'll just do it automatically and get good at it.
The great thing about it is that you can really learn to enjoy almost any activity by learning how to get into flow state while doing it. There's been a couple of good books written on it.
Now if Reddit had chosen to focus on flow, rather than discipline, as the way to get good and steady improvements, then that would have been awesome! But they didn't, and that makes me disappointed. Not to write off discipline entirely, as it's important to know that not every time you do something is going to be as amazing as the first time. And discipline can sometimes lead to flow states.
The problem is that Reddit seems to celebrate 'forcing yourself to work'. That, to me, is incredibly dumb. If you're not enjoying your work, that means that something about your workflow is incorrect and needs to be fixed. It's like trying to continue to drive with a flat tire. Eventually you could cause damage if you don't figure out what's going on.
Anyone who does that is going to get rapidly surpassed by people that don't need to force themselves to do anything because they do it for the love of it.
Tenho TOC, o que mais me incomodava eram os pensamentos intrusivos, as vezes eu via claramente eu matando as pessoas, mesmo da família, eram pensamentos bem gráficos, não só pessoas como animais também. Tenho tiques também, seja de olhar pro relógio e ver alguns números, ou colocar e tirar e colocar e tirar e colocar e tirar a chave do buraco da porta ou do carro, apagar e acender luzes, movimentos com os olhos, e mais um monte de coisa, inclusive escrever, apagar e escrever de novo, se for a mão, eu reescrevo em cima, meu caderno sempre foi cheio de palavras com a escrita grossa devido as repetições. Pensamentos que me via agarrando as pessoas e tascando-lhes beijos calientes, mesmo com minha vó, era só eu conversar com alguém que aquele pensamento vinha, podia ser meus pais, meu professor, qualquer pessoa que eu conversasse, o pensamento vinha. Ou até mesmo os pensamentos sexuais, seja na rua, seja onde for, eles apareciam, era só ver um rabo de saia e lá estava meu pensamento.
Uns 2-3 anos atrás comecei a me interessar como funcionava a mente, comecei a ler sobre Flow, porém não terminei, o livro é cheio de explicações que eu não entendia nada. Depois fui indo mais pro lado da meditação e mindfulness, comecei a ler sobre também, li esse que me abriu bem a cabeça em relação aos pensamentos e medos (muita gente pode falar "AH MAS É AUTO AJUDA", eu sei, mas pra quem ta na merda, qualquer coisa pode ajudar) hoje leio esse livro, é voltado tanto para pacientes como para terapeutas, ele explica bastante coisa sobre ansiedade, medos, tem exercícios também, fala bastante de mindfulness que seria atenção plena, tem bastante livro sobre isso, estou nele há um bom tempo já, mas quero ir até o final.
Cheguei a ler um livro sobre TOC mesmo, depois de ler os outros, esse chegou em hora certa para mim, como eu já sabia mais ou menos como o TOC agia em mim, eu lia as coisas e pensava "po, o cara em tal livro tinha falado disso", só que eu não conseguia ver como usar aquilo no TOC, eu recomendo MUITO esse livro pra quem tem TOC.
Hoje faço tratamento com fluoxetina (luvox 150mg) e psicoterapia, eu comecei a fazer e não estava em crise, já estava tomando o remédio há uns 3 meses, a terapeuta mesmo diz que hoje eu estou super bem, e eu mesmo percebo isso (eu também tinha fobia social). Acho que o auto conhecimento é super importante quando você se trata de um distúrbio mental, pra saber como como ele funciona e poder reagir a ele.
A minha terapeuta fala bastante de não se deixar levar pelos pensamentos, de estar sempre presente. Eu quando começo a pensar em coisas que sei que não são reais, ou são dúvidas do TOC, eu falo pra mim mesmo que aquilo não é real e é fruto do TOC. O que me ajuda bastante também é identificar o que é TOC e o que não é, assim eu sei quando devo me preocupar com alguma coisa ou não.
Se quiser conversar mais só mandar mp.
TLDR: Contei minha trajetória na minha guerra contra o TOC, recomendei livros e como faço pra evitar me levar pelos pensamentos.
Wow, so many angry knee jerk responses on both sides of this topic. Unsurprising, of course, but unproductive too.
I would imagine the "why" varies for everybody, but since OP correctly notes that there are a whole lot of people with their own individual "why"s, I'd recommend picking up a copy of Sex at Dawn if you're interested in some general explanations. The short answer (well, so far as that book was able to support) is that we're frankly not well built for life long pair bonding. We instituted it as a social structure to facilitate familial land ownership, we've always kind of sucked at it, and we're not very self aware about that even though the evidence is literally overwhelming. Which is not to say nobody manages to be happy with it, but it's very clear a lot of people don't.
Seems to me the best thing is just to be honest with the people you love. If you're not happy, be honest. If you're attracted to someone else, be honest. If you want change, be honest. Present yourself as you are and give them the chance to respond however they choose, and ask them to do the same with you.
There are happy marriages out there (or at least ones that claim to be) with "understood" affairs. There are poly relationships. Lots of things exist and different things work for different people. (Check out TheBeautifulKind.com - NSFW - sometime.) It's dishonesty and deception that rightly register as betrayal and hurt people so badly that they can't trust again.
Good luck out there.
(On mobile so I'm sorry if things are messed up)
Hey there. I also suffer from anxiety and depression, and I'm quite shy as well. I find acting very therapeutic. I'm not in theatre for just that reason, but it certainly helps.
Although yes, theatre and acting is a group and collaborative art there are lots of exercises you could do by yourself that many actors use, especially in the area of understanding your emotions and being more in tune with them. Many of these I use myself not just for acting, but to help my mental health as well.
I would first suggest checking out the book Mindful Way Through Depression I would actually recommend this book to any actor. It helps me be aware of my emotions and helps me when I'm having a particularly hard time. Also Respect for Acting which is an actor book. I recommend this one because it may help to see how universal the emotions of fear, embarrassment and so on, are and to help raise your emotional intelligence. There are actor exercises in this book you may find really silly, but they may be worth trying out.
I'd also recommend yoga and meditation. Not all across do these but I know many that do. They help ground you and get more in touch with the "self" and all that jazz.
Lastly, read a lot of plays. Check out Next to Normal. It's a musical about mental illness. The whole thing can be found on YouTube.
Read Shakespeare. It's hard to read at first yes, but the more you give to Shakespeare the more he'll give back to you. You'll discover a lot about the human condition and probably a lot about yourself as well.
That's all I can think of at the moment. I hope this helps.
Mindfulness has been a huge help for me, but if applied wrong, it probably won't help much. For those like us with "chemical imbalances" (or whatever you'd like to call them) it's not a quick cure like it is for normal depression or anxiety. Normal people see what we go through in a very skewed way, like comparing leg pain they had after sleeping wrong with our broken femur. Just walk it off!
Anyway, with mindfulness, reducing suffering is more about accepting the shitty hand you have and making peace with it, rather than fighting it or being in denial. That fight or denial can drain you more than the problem itself sometimes. Mindfulness is a completely different approach than what's natural to us. It can make us work at it smarter, not harder.
In the shortest term, you start to notice when your mind is consumed with bad thoughts and you can start to interrupt the downward spiral by noticing what's happening at the moment. This alone is a huge break from the suffering, at least for a moment. If you stop everything and evaluate the suffering you're going through versus what's actually happening, you realize that the current moment isn't really that bad and that the real battle is something more ambiguous. It also makes the bad thoughts have to start from scratch before it gains momentum again. Those moments of freedom will last longer after a while. After years of being in pain or numb, you start feeling good about the strangest things. After a bad day, a beautiful sunset may have done fuck all to make me feel better, but somehow my new socks made me feel good for a moment. That may have been the highlight of my day, but fuck it, I'll take it!
The depression will still be there, but with practice, you can remove yourself from it. You can see how it works and sometimes outsmart it. You can see how it filters out the good things that are happening and only focuses on what's wrong, without your control. It's still there, but it doesn't consume everything like it used to. You eventually start to gain the upper hand. Sometimes, it gets the upper hand and you go back and forth. You start winning more than losing after a while.
Don't sell yourself short; this is one of the worst, most debilitating, and deadliest illnesses a human can face and you should be congratulating yourself for even the slightest victories you make. Our wounds are mostly invisible and it usually means very little empathy from others.
If you're interested, I'd like to share the two books on mindfulness that've helped me most, starting with the first I read.
They both have audiobooks, which is better for me most of the time. I've read several other books on mindfulness, but I think those two will help most.
I should note that I'm not here to sell you on some snake oil. I'm just telling you that it's worked well for me. I've been on more medications than you can imagine, yet mindfulness has helped me more than all of them. I also approached it from a secular angle, which I think also helped. If you come at it with a closed mind or too stubbornly, you won't get anywhere.
Series of fortunate events for Bill Gates taken from outliers.
>Opportunity number one was that Gates got sent to
>Lakeside. How many high schools in the world had access to
>a time-sharing terminal in 1968?
>
>Opportunity number two was that the mothers of Lakeside had enough money to pay
>for the school's computer fees.
>
>Number three was that, when that money ran out, one of the parents happened to work
>at C-Cubed, which happened to need someone to check
>its code on the weekends, and which also happened not to
>care if weekends turned into weeknights.
>
>Number four was that Gates just happened to find out about ISI, and ISI just
>happened to need someone to work on its payroll software.
>
>Number five was that Gates happened to live within walk
>ing distance of the University of Washington.
>
> Number six
>was that the university happened to have free computer time
>between three and six in the morning.
>
> Number seven was
>that TRW happened to call Bud Pembroke.
>
> Number eight
>was that the best programmers Pembroke knew for that par
>ticular problem happened to be two high school kids.
>
>And
>number nine was that Lakeside was willing to let those kids
>spend their spring term miles away, writing code.
>And what did virtually all of those opportunities have
>in common? They gave Bill Gates extra time to practice.
>
>
>By the time Gates dropped out of Harvard after his soph
>omore year to try his hand at his own software company,
>he'd been programming practically nonstop for seven con
>secutive years. He was way past ten thousand hours.
>
>How
>many teenagers in the world had the kind of experience
>Gates had? "If there were fifty in the world, I'd be
>stunned," he says. "There was C-Cubed and the payroll
>stuff we did, then TRW—all those things came together.
>I had a better exposure to software development at a young
>age than I think anyone did in that period of time, and all
>because of an incredibly lucky series of events."
For the whole chapter on Bill... pastebin.
Hi! Psych major + bookworm over here. Some well written and accessible books that I've enjoyed reading are:
Thinking Fast and Slow from Kahneman http://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0374533555/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375192703&sr=8-1&keywords=kahneman+thinking+fast+and+slow
Willpower: discovering the greatest human strength by Baumeister http://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375192853&sr=1-1&keywords=willpower
And Outliers by Gladwell http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375192928&sr=1-2&keywords=10000+hours
Baumeister and Kahneman are the leading figures on the research done within their particalur fields and these books show a glimpse inside of the kitchen, so to speak. (Iḿ not 100% sure about Gladwell, Iḿ on my phone atm). The books are well written, accessible, entertaining and fascinating.
Heres my take. The TL:DR is this... BUY AND READ THIS BOOK. It is the bible of lucid dreaming, simply written, and easily explained by a scientist, the pioneer of lucid dreaming, a Stanford professor, he is basically THE MAN! But for reddit, here you go:
Go to bed and wake up at roughly the same time everynight, this is easy if you are employed or have kids etc, not so much for college students and partiers etc... Having a routine makes everything so much easier later, but is not a necessity...
Wake up and write down your dreams, every morning, no matter what. Keep a pen and notebook next to your bed. Writing them down forces you to remember them. If you wake up at 330 am from a dream, write it down at 330 am, you will not remember it as well at 8 when you wake up. This serves multiple purposes I'll get into later, but most importantly, you could have a lucid dream, but if you don't remember it, you fail.
After you have a good amount of dreams written down (or voice recorded if thats your thing) Go back through them. Look for common occurances. For example, I often dream of my own home, but things are never right, there are extra rooms, things are arranged differently, you get it... Find things you often dream about, or things that keep occuring that should tip you off that your in a dream. Write these down and commit to doing a reality check every time they occur, for me, whenever I walk into my house, I check to make sure I'm dreaming. Usually just asking the question is enough to trigger lucidity, but not always. DO NOT BLOW THIS OFF. Don't ever answer a reality check with "of course I'm not dreaming" or you will in a dream state as well. I've made this mistake before, its pretty frustrating to wake up and recall that you said that while aboard a spaceship or something crazy... Google easy reality checks, like double checking digital clocks and rereading text (it changes in dreams, your brain is too busy to keep that stuff consistent)
4)Setting yourself up for lucidity
Now that you have a weeks or months of dreams journalized (results may vary) playing with your sleep schedule can be helpful, REM sleep (dream sleep) occurs in cycles of about 90 minutes. So 6 hours into your sleep you are entering a dream. Set your alarm for 6 hours or a bit after and get up, walk around, read about lucid dreaming, reread your dream journal, do some reality checks, focus your intentions on having a lucid dream, but in a positive, and not stressful way. Then go back to sleep half an hour or more later. You pick up in your sleep cycles and go straight into dreams, this makes it easy to become lucid, read up on WILD and MILD in Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming...
Tons of people will tell you their first lucid dream ended immediately, they became lucid, it was exciting, they woke up... It happens... Research stabilization techniques, two popular ones are spinning, and looking at your hands. Spinning my change your dream setting, but really who cares, you can change it back or do whatever later... Keep trying, don't get frustrated here you are SO CLOSE!
Not everyone can control dreams like a god their first few times, it takes practice. You have years and years of experience telling you people CANNOT fly, its hard to overcome. Do more reality checks in dreams, take it step by step... If you are lucid the hard part is done, just keep trying and you'll be a pro in no time!
Good luck with it, man. I've only had a handful of lucid dreams that lasted more than 10 seconds or so. They're a pretty amazing experience, and I imagine they could be useful if you could really develop your lucid dreaming skills, but it takes a pretty dedicated effort to get good at it.
This book is like the bible of lucid dreaming, and here's a pretty good forum that you can learn a lot from.
Hey there,
I think I can relate to your story.
I've been suffering from depression and dysthymia for most of my life, since I was a child.
I took medications, did plenty of psychotherapy, but it was my "spiritual journey" that finally healed me.
I haven't felt really clinically depressed in the last 6 years, and I've experienced some of the happiest years of my life. : )
One day I bumped into a video of a Buddhist teacher on YouTube, and I fell in love with his teachings.
Little by little it radically changed my attitude towards my moods.
The most radical shift was to learn to welcome and love my depression, as a sweet part of me.
But I also cultivated simplicity, gratitude, self-love and self-compassion, learning to be happy with less, practicing seeing beauty in everything around me.
Of all of those qualities, self-compassion turned out to be the most important.
Taking care of myself also meant, of course: physical exercise, healthy eating, and healthy sleeping habits.
But also learning to never beat myself up if I screwed up. : )
Now, I bet if someone measured my average happiness it'd score above average.
Sadness, and sometimes depression, still come to visit sometimes, but I see their value and beauty, and because of that they leave soon.
I even still have intrusive suicidal thoughts from time to time, that just pops in my mind. They used to really bring me down, but now they are beautiful reminders of how far I've gone, good old friends.
Spirituality may not be enough. I also studied a lot of psychology to understand myself.
It is important for me to filter spiritual practices based on their psychological impact.
For instance, Thich Nhat Hanh or Ajahn Brahm are wonderful teachers for someone who suffer from depression, while most dry vipassana teachers less so.
Here is a great book I can reccomend, on how to use mindfulness with depression: https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521296048&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness+depression
Take care, and feel fee to message me in private if you'd like to talk.
The Animator's Survival Kit: https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/
Good book with lots of practical references for animating walk cycles facial expressions etc
Have you tried reading books on how to effectively communicate?
This may entail conflict resolution strategies, proper body language and eye contact, and conversation strategies.
I know it sounds quite mechanic, but it's better than nothing.
I've even heard this book provides unintentional tips when dealing with adults (it is intended for parents to deal better with children!)
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=pd_ybh_a_18?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=MNQDXANPR0FJM3G6MV17
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
After reading it I realized that elements of the book are actually applicable to marital relationships and talking to human beings generally. I revisit it periodically for a mental tune up.
When I have a mutually stressful interaction with my kiddo I usually realize with 20/20 hindsight that it could have gone differently if I’d navigated it in the manner described in the book. Just yesterday morning I (sadly) yelled at her because she was taking an impossibly long time to put her shoes on and we were about to be late for school. Afterwards I realized that she was probably having emotions about the fact that she recently switched schools. This morning she presented the same behavior and I talked to her and acknowledged her feelings. Then she opened up to me and told me how she misses our old morning routine and misses her friends from her old school and didn’t want to get dressed because she didn’t want to leave the house and could we just stay home and hug each other this morning. It was a moment of real closeness and understanding. Then I started trying to get her to tell me things she liked about the new school and reasons she could be happy there and she clammed up. I realized I was trying to change her feelings, a bad idea as described in the book. So I just told her it was hard and held her. She then willingly got dressed. By the time we reached her new school she had on her own come up with some things to look forward to.
There’s also a book specific to little kids co-authored by one of the daughters of the authors of the original.
I have to say I’ve been startled by the degree to which my three year old can participate in problem solving for issues related to herself, I don’t think it would have occurred to start the process with her as a young toddler if I hadn’t read the book.
Ooh, I have three recommendations. I am RBB also. I didn't have a clue starting out, and I was scared to death. My two kids are now mostly grown, 17 and 21.
When your baby is 2:
1-2-3 Magic
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/0963386190
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X (This is new to me, but written by the daughter of the author of the original, below, got great reviews and is based on the same respect principles of the first one)
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (school-age Kids)
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
You know what surprised me about parenting? How much your kids WANT to please you. They can be plenty feisty (uncooperative) sometimes, but usually I found that was for a predictabel reason. With little ones, it was because they were hangry or tired. I had to learn from another mother that my kids was throwing herself on the ground because she needed to eat at regular intervals (it was mealtime, and the other mother recognized the signs).
My kids really wanted to please me and my husband. The most important thing, I found, was to make it easy for them to please us (picking our battles, having reasonable boundaries--which kids need and push for, and treating them with respect). If we weren't assholes, they were mostly cooperative. Funny how that works.
I wish I had worried less. My kids love me and I love them. It was tiring, but not HARD to build a happy family together, and I learned far more from them about how to love than they ever learned from me, because it comes NATURALLY to human families (except where love is tortured out of you by BPD or other dysfunction). I'm pretty bummed because my younger has terrible anxiety and depression recently, she says due to academic stress. Sometimes I think I was a bad parent and my husband and I passed down our shitty legacy from our own parents: We both have PD parents. My younger says not, but I dunno. She struggled because I was down for the count for several years while she was in middle school and being bullied. More about that below. My elder calls me every day from college and loves her father and my company. They both love us. Weird, right?
About my younger and why I was unable to be a good parent a few years back: I stayed in contact with my abusive mother and she was totally incorporated into my family because she lives only a few minutes away and has no one else. Of course. My health suffered. I developed chronic pain that all but destroyed my life. Since I found out about being RBB, and admitted to myself and others that I was abused and actually hate my mother, my pain all but disappeared!!! This just happened. I am furious. My uBPD mother is the gift that just keeps on giving. If my being out of commission laid the foundation for my beautiful daughter's current depression, I want to kill my mother. What I am trying to say is that the most important thing for you to raise your baby so she/he is emotionally healthy is for YOU to acknowledge and heal from your own abuse, and protect yourself from your BPD parent NOW. In my experience, you can only do that by distancing yourself from your BPD parent. I thought everything was fine because I had set very strong boundaries, never allowed my kids to be alone with her when they were young (after I saw troubling manipulative behavior with my younger, age 2), and basically had almost not a cross word with my mother in 20 years. The thing is, she turned into a waif, and I didn't know I was still being abused by BPD, just differently.
I don't mean to preach. I'm just positive that BPD is very, very damaging to us and--through us--to our little ones, even if we don't think so.
Good luck. Babies are adorable. And hard. But adorable.
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had to let my first toddler teach me how to accept hugs. The baby stage was fine: lots of cuddling happened, but when she was a toddler I became aware that when she ran at me for a hug I often froze. I remember the same reaction from when I was a teenager and all the other girls were touchy-feely and I would just want to crawl away so no-one would touch me, and then be ashamed that I couldn't be affectionate like all the other squealing girls. Thanks, Mom. With my little one, I resolved to remember to breathe, drop to her level and MAKE myself stay still fr a hug. I also made up a rule for myself that I would never let go first: We were done when she decided we were done. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I soon learned to LOVE her hugs. And, of course, to set reasonable boundaries, because it isn't always hugging time, right? She learned to wait sometimes, and I learned to accept hugs.
RBB, man. It sucks.
By reading this fantastic book: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk.
A lot of the child psychology coming out these days is all about listening and helping kids put words to their emotions. Instead of trying to correct behavior, point out the emotion they are having and allow them time to figure out a solution. "Oh, it looks like you're tired." "You seem frustrated with this homework." Give him data and help him build his emotional intelligence to be able to solve the puzzle on his own.
I highly recommend this book:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/
Kids are tiny humans who have a lot of stuff going on inside their minds and bodies. And we often forget that they have this whole other universe going on inside their heads, just like we do, but nobody has taught them what to do about it.
Amazon.com links provided:
1 The Slight Edge
2 Mastery
3 The 4-Hour Workweek
4 The Art of Power
5 Thinking, Fast, and Slow
6 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
7 The Power of Now
8 The Power of Habit
9 Whatcha Gonna Do with That Duck?
10 The 48 Laws of Power
11 Your True Home
12 Ego Is the Enemy
13 The 4 Hour Body
14 The UltraMind Solution
15 The Dip
I suggest you pick up the book Boundaries, by Henry Cloud. It should help you understand your parents' motivations as well as how to handle the situation.
As you are an adult: respecting your dad doesn't mean that you can't make your own decisions. Honoring your parents doesn't mean they are allowed to control you. You will likely have to sit down with them and have some difficult conversations. You can do this in a loving and respectful manner, while at the same time setting healthy boundaries.
/u/jonathan_c asks if you're still living with them. If you are, and you can't work things out through respectful discussion, it may be worth getting your own place. This may be painful, but keep in mind that you can't control how your parents react--only how you act.
How much effort do you put in to helping other people figure out where they're going wrong? Have you seriously tried to help other people when they're fucking themselves over or otherwise making bad decisions or when they're doing something that you recognize as a social faux pas?
I doubt it, because I have -- and still do, when I absolutely cannot stand watching somebody make an ass of themselves -- and if you did you would recognize how few people actually want help. The vast majority of the time, a person's reaction to somebody trying to offer social skills that they are missing is defensiveness or attack.
I understand your frustration. I have had a lot of it myself -- "why didn't they just TELL ME I was sending the wrong message???" -- but I understand that:
You're expecting something from people, but you're not offering anything in return. Change your thinking -- instead of focusing on what you want from them, focus on what you have to offer. Learn about what makes people like each other and incorporate that into your behavior. I like the book How to Talk to Anyone -- you can look through it and find the tips that seem the easiest and then move up in difficulty from there. Practice for a while and really get each one down before you try another. There are all kinds of other books like that one and plenty of information online also. Google "how to talk to people", "how not to creep people out", "how to make people like you", "body language", "eye contact", stuff like that. There's a metric fuck-ton of information available.
In response to people who feel they are missing part of the story- I recently did something like this too, for the better part of a year, and the real trick is to be willing to walk away from everything without a solid plan. Things do have a tendency to work themselves out, and you don't need to be from a privileged background for that to be true (I am not, personally), but if you don't have the requisite level of risk tolerance in the first place, and the willingness to prioritize adventures and life experience over security and stability, then it ain't gonna happen. You have to be willing to compromise on things like having a steady career or a fixed living address for awhile. But if you are willing to do that, you can live like a millionaire without being one.
Make friends before you get to someplace, so that you have people you can stay with when you get there and save on accommodations. Plan well and have ways to make money when you get there. Commit to the big leagues in advance to save money on transit.
This book is what got me started. It really is all about examining your real goals, pinpointing what you really want out of life, and having the courage to take steps to get there, even when it's terrifying.
Boundaries
Set them.
EDIT: Or, spend money on pre-marriage couples counseling. Not the wedding, not one dollar.
What if 5 years from now you want a house for yourself? You will not be able to get a second mortgage. Will you kick out your brother to sell that house? You might benefit from reading this book http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
Taking Charge of Your Fertility is an amazing book! When I read it first I was amazed at how little I knew about my cycles, definitely recommend it :)
Oh! I found it! The Definitive Book of Body Language, this is the one I read.
There's so much research done on body language, and it's incredible. FBI people are really good at that kind of stuff, to help read the suspects and whatnot better. It does in some way feel like mind reading, cause you are able to get a decent handle on someone by paying attention to how they act, how they say things. Only 7% of communication is verbal, that is, what you are in effect saying. The rest is body language and the inflection you use when saying something.
You know what? I'm sure everyone's going to share any of the actual books on awakening or enlightenment or whatever (although I don't see The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts listed yet, and that was instrumental for getting the ball rolling for me before I even knew there was a ball to roll - I still pick it up every now and again and read passages).
But anyway, in my early 20's, I was REALLY into Tom Robbins, and I realize now that those books connected me with a truth I didn't yet know how to find. He's a freakin' genius. His words still, to this day, make me giddy.
So if you're ever interested in wild, hilarious, raucous fiction that gropes the awakened viewpoint like a drunk in a whorehouse, I recommend these books:
Skinny Legs and All
Jitterbug Perfume
Still Life With Woodpecker
He has more, and they're all equally is good in many ways - those three just happen to be my favorite.
If you want to get started in understanding these dangerous people, here is an easy but informative book. This is a must read for Parents of young daughters; all that charm that is sooo endearing to most parents, is actually a danger sign.
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1324183710&sr=1-1
I abided by these two books, and had a satisfactory result:
How to be a Straight A Student by Cal Newport. It's not free, so I had to get creative in getting access.
10 Steps to Earning Awesome Grades (While Studying Less). It's a free book by the productivity/college blogger and YouTuber Thomas Frank.
It's just a shame that I discovered this later in college. They would have helped tone down the anxiety associated with wanting to earn good grades. Now I send this to everyone I know who is starting with college.
Cal Newport: How to be a Straight A Student
Cal Newport: How to Win at College
Sure! If you have any questions for the filmmaker herself, I'll send them on. From the teacher's desk:
Theory:
Software:
Amateur vs. Professional:
Hope that helps! Those points are just scratching the surface on a huge amount of material, but for starting out, it's great to just have fun experimenting. Feel free to ask more questions, and good luck!
What you're describing as "introversion" is actually social anxiety disorder. Introversion refers more to a person's innate social tendencies and their threshold for social interaction. Plenty of introverts enjoy socializing with people, they just recharge through time spent alone.
The good news is that SAD is very treatable. Therapy is the best solution, but since you can't afford it I recommend you either look for a sliding scale mental health clinic in your area (the one I work at gives rates of $15 per session for students) or go to a bookstore and drop about $25 on a book like this.
Not sure getting on top of your anger is the key. I think it'd be helpful just to note your anger and then set it aside for now. Use your meditation to make some room for it, to avoid rumination and obsessing. Accepting that it was a shitty thing and you were hurt and that hurt fuels anger (instead of being pissed/frustrated that you are still angry) will help. Have you read Full Catastrophe by Jon Kabat-Zinn? Also, even though you may not suffer from depression (I don't), I highly recommend this book, which takes Zinn to the next level:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371143120&sr=1-1&keywords=mindfulness+depression
Okay, I'm digging deep to feel sympathy, sister, because you have a brain a lot of us (for example: me!) would kill for. And you find it annoying.
But I see that your suffering is real. And I have some advice that I truly believe will help you.
I don't know how to change your brain into a non-lucid dreaming model. But experience, including suffering, is all about how you frame it. So instead of trying to make lucid dreaming go away, I suggest that you turn this negative experience into a positive one by changing what lucid dreaming means to you.
Read this book to learn how to control your lucid dreams and use them to have adventures and explore creativity:
https://www.amazon.com/Exploring-World-Dreaming-Stephen-LaBerge/dp/034537410X
Read this book to turn lucid dreaming into a spiritual experience that deepens meditation:
https://www.amazon.com/Dream-Yoga-Illuminating-Through-Dreaming/dp/1622034597/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=SWEFST6G5DJKYNVB6DDT
Good luck.
All about Lucid Dreams. How to, sǝɔuǝıɹǝdxǝ, etc.
Please take discussions of the paranormal such as astral projection someplace else. Binaural beats are also inappropriate. Let's keep this in the realm of science.
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Lucid Dreaming Acronyms
LD - Lucid Dreaming - Being aware that you are dreaming while in a dream.
RC - Reality Check - A test to establish whether you are in a dream or waking life, actively done during the day in hopes that the habit will continue within dreams.
DC - Dream Character - Any personality you encounter other than yourself...well, occasionally it can also be yourself.
WBTB-Wake Back To Bed - Waking up for 20-30 minutes, then going back to bed increases the chances of lucid dreaming. Use that time to read about lucid dreaming or plan your dreams, and make your intention solid. Can be combined with other techniques.
MILD - Mnemonically Induced Lucid Dream - In short, MILD is telling yourself as you are in bed ready to sleep that you are going to become lucid when you dream, then visualizing yourself in a dream becoming lucid. Repeat until you fall asleep.
WILD - Wake-Induced Lucid Dream - A technique in which you maintain consciousness while your body falls asleep. Not for the squeamish.
FILD - Finger-Induced Lucid Dream - A technique using subtle finger movements as you fall asleep.
SSILD - Sense-Induced Lucid Dream - A technique where you use awareness of your various senses as you cycle through them while falling asleep.
False Awakening - False Awakening is in essence just dreaming that you woke up, only to usually immediately after either actually wake or have another dream of waking up from the previous dreams. Those can often happen multiple times in sequence. It can be a bit jarring but also fun. If those happen often use it to do a reality check every time you wake up (or think you do).
SP - Sleep Paralysis - A natural, safe part of the process of falling asleep which causes you to be unable to move your body. The paralysis process happens to you every time you go to sleep. When you WILD and experience SP, you are conscious while it happens. Sometimes you may be visited by the dream transition buddies--relax and enjoy the show until you can interact with your environment. Attempting to induce SP is NOT required to achieve lucidity.
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493
That says more about you than it does about him. It's a pretty well known technique. It's even mentioned in this book. I'm pretty sure he knows the author.
Ahem, The Art of the Deal.
I haven't read it, but can't imagine it's worse than Mein Kampf. I tried to read that once. It was a struggle.
Trump: The Art of the Deal https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399594493/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_kEYXzb4T0KHAD in stock at Amazon.
This is so far my to go list, no particulary order:
Body Language
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
No More Mr Nice Guy
The Flinch
The Blueprint Decoded
How to Win Friends & Influence People
The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them
These books/dvds/audiobooks are about self development and basic understanding of human behaviour, I honestly think everybody can benefit from this stuff.
Edit:
Also find a good book about improving your voice, no idea here because I use one in german.
Yes, and I was completely baffled to see the link gives no reference or credit to the man who has done much of this research. Just because his name is damn near impossible to spell is no reason not to credit the author. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi - Flow
Sounds like you're in a flow state, which is awesome. A couple books you might like:
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
The Rise of Superman: Decoding the Science of Ultimate Human Performance
You are not alive so that you may entertain yourself as much as possible and then die. You are meant for more. The search for more- discovering, then rediscovering why you're here, what your gifts are, this will last your whole life.
Discipline helps you accomplish something. But you need to figure out what to accomplish. The good and bad news is nobody knows. This is yours, and everyone's internal journey.
Use your gifts, involve other people. Are you a good singer? Sing for others. Are you a good cook? Cook for others. Are you strong? Help people move. Are you smart? Create an app, invest wisely, cure a disease. Are you really good at shooting a rubber-band from your fingers? Make youtube videos about it. Perform for sick kids in hospitals. It doesn't matter how big or small your gifts are. Share them.
I will give you an example from my life. I'm in my early 30's. I'm a good writer and speaker. My goal in life is to help others feel less alone. My strong social senses are insight and empathy. I like making others laugh, I like challenging regularly accepted ideas and tinkering with fringe ideas. So- I write friends letters, emails, Facebook messages to connect with them. I write funny personal essays and read around my city/online. I exercise to be confident/attractive (enough) to the opposite sex. I volunteer at Special Olympics coaching soccer. I seek out people going through hard times and connect with them, look them in the eyes and allow them to be who they are. I volunteer at the skid row mission. All of this helps and strengthens my soul. But for money, I program. I chose programming because I can enter Flow states during it, so even though it's work and can often suck, it can be really rewarding. Read Flow and design aspects of your life around it: https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202. It's taken me my entire life to figure all of this stuff out about myself, and I'm still learning and growing. One day I may hate all of this.
Let me give you some examples of where I lack discipline: I wanted to write a book 5 years ago. I started it, never finished. Discipline will help me finish it, but knowing myself was what allowed me to know I had the ability to write and something worth saying. Also, some days I just play video games for 10 hours. I ignore everything. Discipline helps limit/reduce those days.
I want you to think about the idea of production and consumption. When you watch TV/Youtube, you are consuming. Reading a book, consuming. Eating pizza, consuming. If you make your parents spaghetti, you're producing. Paint a picture, producing. Arrange flowers into a bouquet and then give them to someone, producing. Find a good balance in your life between these things. Everyone is different. The fact that you wrote this post makes me think you're a little high on consumption and a little low on production. Decide how you're going to change, then use discipline to execute those changes.
This book is absolutely fascinating. Despite a title and cover that markets it as such, it isn't only about sex. It discusses how and why human sexuality, social structures and societies have changed over time, and explores what our natural social and sexual tendencies are (or may be). To this end, it explores a wide variety of human societies over the course of our existence, and compares us to are nearest genetic relatives--chimps and bonobos.
If anyone's interested, I can post some of the most revelatory ideas proposed in it so far. I'm not finished reading it yet.
This is a great book that addresses some of the questions you are asking. It’s totally opposite of what most of us have been taught, food for thought anyway. Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061707813/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_qg.6Cb69NTRX5
You act as if it comes so easily to people to resist their deepest urges. Expecting somebody to kill themselves if they can't is ridiculous also. Sex is what drives us. Some people get fucked over by their own lusts and desires. I'm not saying that I'm okay with children being molested. It's a tragic. But things aren't so cut and dry. You should read Sex At Dawn. It's pretty interesting and dips into the subject. Might make you uncomfortable but how can you learn if you don't step outside of your own world view anyway?
Hehehe "tips"... I just read a blog post about people asking for "art tips" that happened to ring pretty true, although that guy presents it in a more grouchy way....
I just draw every day and take an active interest in art. Here are some of my favorite books:
McCloud
Loomis
Animator's Survivor Kit
Lately my big epiphany has been to stop punishing myself at every turn and just let go and finish something. So keep that in mind to have fun with it!
Cool little experiment. Animating can be a lot of fun. If you're at all serious about animation, I cannot recommend The Animators Survival Kit enough. It was a book that was required for my animation classes in college, and I still use it to this day.
If you have any questions about animation, I only have a degree and 2 years of work experience, but I can give you some pointers.
This is actually a great point. In Dale Carnegie's book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living he points out that if you're feeling stressed about making a particular mistake, think about what would have to be true for that one mistake to have resulted in all your problems. So in this case, one might feel bad about eating extra donuts and think that they are going to fail at their diet, from here you would say: What would have to be true for two donuts to cause me to fail at my diet? The answer would be that the diet is completely dependent upon that single choice, which it is not. I'm not sure if I'm doing a great job explaining, but Dale Carnegie is a fantastic author with great insights into self improvement. His most famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is an incredible read as well.
First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.
This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.
There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023157&sr=1-1&keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023193&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=coependent+no+more
http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023212&sr=1-1&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023231&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023293&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+with+kids
that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.
edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.
Hi, I'm not a doctor or psychologist or anything, so what I'm about to say just comes from my own experience - ignore it if it's unhelpful. It's always best to get in touch with someone trained to help.
First of all understand that many, many of us here have been where you are right now and can totally hear what you're saying; we've said the same words to ourselves so many times. We got through, you can too. You've already reached out, but consider taking it further by talking to someone if you can. If there's nobody you know you that you can trust, call one of the hotline numbers listed on the right. The people who run these things have usually been through a lot of pain themselves so they understand.
If you can't bring yourself to talk to anyone, it can be really helpful to understand that this mood will actually pass away on its own with the passage of time, as emotions and moods come and go naturally.
Once you've moved past the immediate blackness, you'll be able to think more clearly about how to move forward. As I understand things, having a weight issue (extremely common BTW) is really a symptom of depression/loneliness/emptiness - it comes from not having enough rewarding activities in your life. Usually people who find themselves out of work and isolated get hooked on something - whether it be food, alcohol/drugs, masturbation, petty crime, video games, internet forums, etc. But if we can establish a range of different rewarding activities in our everyday life, then things tend to be more in balance and we're less likely to get stuck on one thing. So that's a good long-term goal to have.
In the meantime, nowadays there are decent therapies (unlike the old Freudian crap) shown scientifically to work well - CBT is one, and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy is a newer one shown to be extremely helpful. Many courses are available, but I managed to pretty much eliminate my own depression just by reading this book and applying it:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-Through-Depression/dp/1593851286
The key to it all is that most negative emotions (anxiety, depression, anger) come from habitually telling ourselves bad shit about ourselves, consciously or unconsciously. This habit may initially have come from our parents, teachers, peers, or whatever; the original cause doesn't really matter. The important thing is to realise that most of the crap we tell ourselves isn't true, and that we can develop new mental habits. This is incredibly powerful, it can change everything.
Sometimes though you can be in a total black hole and it seems impossible to find the energy to look at the causes of your problem. In this case, medication MAY be helpful, but be very cautious (maybe you've already tried it). Personally when I was in a very deep depression and could hardly even get up in the morning, I was prescribed a course of Fluoxetine/Prozac for six months. It was enough to get me out of my immediate depression and out into the world again, but it's important to know that it's just a temporary crutch (and can have side effects). To really cure yourself it's necessary to deal with the cause of the problem, as outlined above.
Finally, regarding your loneliness - sadly our culture brainwashes us from birth that the only way we can be happy is to find that special "one" and fall in love and live happily ever after. It's almost like a religion, the religion of romantic love. In my experience, this is complete fucking bullshit and causes untold unnecessary misery and suffering. First, remember that the average marriage only lasts between 8-13 years, so "happily ever after" is mostly a myth. Second, it is absolutely possible to be single and happy. You might think about changing the focus of your life from this narrow longing to find someone, and start looking at all the other possibilities in life.
I firmly believe that one of the most reliable paths to happiness is to involve yourself in helping others. I know it sounds cheesy, but if you try it you'll realise that there is a lot of pleasure in being compassionate and helpful to others, even in the smallest ways. This also takes the focus away from your own problems, and opens up a social channel which will ultimately lead to rewarding friendships. And in my experience, friendships always outlast relationships.
So hang in there, there are ways through this.
TL;DR: You're not alone, there are effective ways to conquer depression such as CBT, try to find balance with a variety of activities you find rewarding.
There's a book called The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness. The CD is the most useful part, and neither is a substitute for therapy and/or medication if needed, but they are worth a look.
Here are some good resources from a clinical perspective
http://mindfulwaythroughanxiety.com/
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-Through-Depression/dp/1593851286
Please note that if you have been studying from a more religiou perspective you wil find that though the western psychological science if mindfulness is inspired buy buddhism it has many differences too
Sounds very familiar. Turned out I had chronic depression. Operating my mind was like driving a car with the parking brake on.
Counseling Services will hook you up with a one-two punch of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and antidepressants. They work together better than alone.
If you're shy about that, you can CBT yourself online instead. I recommend supplementing it with mindfulness meditation (there's also lots of info about this online for free). Or use CCS's excellent self-help.
Here you go! You recommended everything I was going to recommend so I thought I'd make your links easier to click.
>All of these are useful:
>
>An Unquiet Mind
>
>Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide
>
>The Bipolar Workbook: Controlling Swings
>
>The Mindful Way Through Depression
>
>The last book describes a self-guided therapy that I used to lift myself out of a mixed mood a few years ago. I was willing to do anything to get better and that included doing things that I had little to no faith in but I still had to try. It worked despite my skepticism. I believe in it now.
>
>and then there is the bible of the illness and its treatment. It's massive and very technical (written for medical professionals) but you might find parts of it useful.
>
>Manic Depressive Illness: Bipolar Disorders and Recurrent Depression
>
You are a Nice Guy. You are emotionally needy and you try to fulfill your needs by doing things for others, expecting tit for tat, having them give you attention because you did something for them. Life does not work that way and you will continue to experience frustration until you start doing things for yourself and gain confidence.
http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24/
And people are on OKCupid looking for dates. I have no idea if you're doing this to find dates or if you're just messaging people for the hell of it, but most people want to learn something about the person they're talking to when they exchange messages. What would I learn about you if you recommended a book or band to me? Pretty much nothing. It's not a good way to have a conversation.
What speaks to one may not speak to another, but here's what I personally treasure.
Postmodern Magic - I don't 100% agree with Dunn, but his is the clearest explanation of the nature and mechanisms of magic that I've come across. There are lots of practical exercises to try, with good attention to detail.
The Neverending Story - No, really. Ende understands the power of narrative and the nature of will. The symbolism about and within Auryn is not just a stylized ouroboros.
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming - Just like Postmodern Magic, this is full of practical exercises, along with case studies and theoretical underpinnings. It can get a little dry and repetitive near the end, but it's a great resource in general.
Please start your education early with the books that they will never introduce you to!! Here's a good start:
With this knowledge, no liberal will be able to fuck with you!
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1479247426&sr=8-1&keywords=art+of+the+deal
Morning Joe spells it out. Their job is to report the news, right? And that's cool. And I get it, there's going to be some slant somewhere. That's just human nature, and EVERY organization has some slant. (I'd very quickly like to plug http://www.allsides.com/ as a great resource).
But what good is a new organization to the people when it lets its slant allow it to misreport information? A news organization becomes the enemy when it stops reporting the news and starts reporting what they want you to think. I mean, it wasn't until after the election that someone made a gif of where Trump campaigned for the last 10 weeks. No one talks about ow he was working the map? No one looked at his strategy? No one tried to break it down until AFTER?
I like how the election turned out, although I would have liked t to have been Sanders vs Trump. I expected Trump to win, but at the same time, I was telling my democrat friends that they needed to watch out for Trump since the first debate, and that if they didn't take him seriously, he would win. And they laughed. And they shouted me down. And I'm black, but anm did the SJW's liek to flex on this issue.
NYT played him as a joke. Constantly. Hell, they're probably seeing a spike in readership right now because of this "fued." He secretely wants you to read the times, and he wants the Times to talk about him, so you are reading about him. And if you think the YT doesn't like it, you should look into their bottom line. NYT stock is up 50% since Trump won.
The funniest thing is, if you read the Art of the Deal this type of thing is exactly what Trump wants. It's exactly how he got the Wollman rink contract. Manipulating the media to play out public feuds. People on the left don't want to read that book, but if you want to "know your enemy" like any good tactician would, you need to read that book.
It's a book from 1987 where he says he hates Reagan, likes to manipulate the media, and hates the one sided trade deals the US is in. Trump has been the same for 30 years. No change. Even NPR pointed this out.
Here are some links for the product in the above comment for different countries:
Link: http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
|Country|Link|
|:-----------|:------------|
|UK|amazon.co.uk|
|Spain|amazon.es|
|France|amazon.fr|
|Germany|amazon.de|
|Japan|amazon.co.jp|
|Canada|amazon.ca|
|Italy|amazon.it|
|China|amazon.cn|
This bot is currently in testing so let me know what you think by voting (or commenting).
I read this book recently and it helped a lot. Do something greate in life. Go for the hot girl, or for the promotion, or the raise.... or ask out that tirl you'v always wanted to. It will work one time, guaranted, and when it dose, you'lll never forget that feeling. And you will own it and know that you cna do anythiung.
edit: I was hammered drunk when I wrote this. Please excuse the many spelling/grammatical errors.
If you are interesting in knowing more about your cycle check out the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
Have you read Taking Charge of Your Fertility? It's got a lot of awesome information that makes you go "why did no know ever teach me this?" I use condoms with my secondary, obviously. But it's great knowing exactly where in my cycle I am to get a general sense of riskiness. And also once you get good at pinpointing when you ovulate, you'll know just when to expect your period ahead of time (and won't have to stress that you're late because you're pregnant, since you know you just ovulated late).
ETA: http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909/
I used this method as bc for about 8 years with my now husband. We didn't use an app, we used a book called Taking Charge of your Fertility and paper charts.
https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909
This book goes into all the details you need, with every question you might have. Basically, you need 3 months of tracking before it starts to make sense and you start to see the pattern in your cycle. You need to take your temperature with a basal thermometer, a regular one isn't sensitive enough. You need to take your temp after 3 hours of sleep, at the same time every day (so if you work nights, take it at noon or smt). I never woke up at 6am, my husband would stick the thermometer into my mouth, and when it beeped, I'd take it out. The temp is saved, then I'd put it onto my paper chart when I woke up later.
It sounds complicated, but honestly once you've done it for a year, you know your body so well. Even 15 years later, after having babies, I still know that if I'm on day 16, I'm ovulating and going to be cranky. 10 days after ovulation, I get my period. I notice that my sense of smell is really sensitive around day 16. Odd things like that. Patterns that you never noticed.
It is really empowering to know that everything you go through during your cycle is predictable and normal.
Fertility awareness and withdrawal.
Withdrawal, when used properly, is nearly as effective as condoms.
For fertility awareness, pick up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
Agreed. Look at freelancing. And potentially, read The 4-Hour Workweek if you haven't - it may apply to your case.
Alternatively, you can set up a consulting company and hire others to do the work. If you're good at finding projects & managing a few developers, then you could be working even less than 20 hrs a week (or you could be working more, depending on your management chops) and making even more than half your salary.
I was 27.
At that point both my parents were gone and all of my grandparents were gone and I didn't have anyone left to protect me from her and her flying monkeys. I finally put her on speaker, surreptitiously, so that my friend could hear the stuff she was saying. His response was that's fucked. From there I started looking for resources on how to deal with her. I found two books Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina Brown and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. That's the first time I saw the word abuse used to describe what she was doing. I knew from about 6 that there was something wrong with her and I lived with all of her shit without ever understanding what was going on.
My wife comes from a terrible family. I didn't realize how bad it was before we got married. They just about ruined our marriage the first few years. But we learned to set some boundaries, and kept them. and we have had an amazing relationship since.
First get this book: http://amzn.to/1UMl0G7
It has some very christian undertones to it (great if you are christian, a bit much if you are not) BUT I have not found a better book on how to learn to set boundaries. then you and he set some serious boundaries with his mom. See if he is willing to keep those boundaries. If he lets them get broken over and over again, then probably need to step away. if he is able to keep them, you probably will have a great future together.
Just finished Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. It's about how some of the most successful people in the world got to be successful: through a combination sheer of timing, luck, and practice. I've been recommending it to everyone who mentions reading. FANTASTIC book.
EVERYONE is who they are... your a tough guy in high school you will still be a tough guy.
your a jerk you will be a jerk.... SEALs doesn't change you.
BUT, when you are working with a small group that works so close and relays on each other so much you EXPECT and always get perfection... not many places that work like that.... when you get out of the SEALs and still require or expect that level of dedication and perfection it makes you a bit anxious and angry... maybe that is what you are noticing is our DEMAND for working with only the best and being very impatient with most people because most people don't care.
READ the book about Outliers...
http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930
I've been where you're at, thinking I was an absolute retard and ashamed of my parents. You are nowhere near your full potential. Anxiety diminishes your cognitive function like the other guy said. That's your EQ, and it's more important than your inherited intelligence. Life is all about momentum. I recommend picking up the book Outliers, as it clearly demonstrates this. Distraction short circuits the learning process. This is what your panic attacks do to your personal growth. You want to meditate and live life by your inner voice without inner conflict. You eventually get a flow going and you'll be surprised at much more intelligent you will feel within a deep meditative focus. You just try to ride the wave as long as you can, and you create the momentum to get over any hurdle.
I have both the horrible self-perception that rivals yours, and I have extreme love for all of my best characteristics. I'm currently working through it myself. PM me if you want to talk through this.
Did you? His father was a big shot lawyer, his mother was on the board of many companies and had many connections. His mother's family is well connected in the Seattle area. This is well stated throughout some of his biographies (notably HardDrive and you should probably read up on Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell to get an idea on a big part of how Gates rose to success.
I was recommended this book by a relative's therapist, and am planning to buy it this weekend: http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343339220&sr=8-1&keywords=the+anxiety+and+phobia+workbook
There's nothing wrong with feeling angry or sad provided they don't interfere with your quality of life. In fact anger can be a very useful, empowering tool to help identify where things are wrong, where boundaries are being trampled and where you're not living as you expect yourself to. Anger can be very frightening at the same time because it often points out things out of my control and injustices that I feel completely unable to fix. I managed to figure out in therapy that most of my anger was based in fear. If I can examine these fears, see if they're valid, see where I got them, etc. I can take the teeth out of them and cut the anger off at the pass most times.
So what do I do with the remainder of justifiable anger I've been carrying for forty odd years? I write, I take a baseball bat to my mattress and beat the fuck out of it while screaming at the ever-loving top of my little lungs, I go for runs as if I'm running for my life, I go to therapy and I'm honest with them and with myself, I read, I journal, I meditate, I try to remember not to take things too seriously. The anger will never go away, but it does not have to direct my life; I can direct itnow.
Sadness is a little more difficult for me because as a kid I was raised by very, very angry sicko and I learned that anger was an easier way to express myself than sadness. Sadness requires me to investigate what I'm feeling, it can't be made to go away, and if I let it just hit me like a truck I'll actually experience some happiness rushing in to meet it. That's rare for me though I'm working on trusting that experiencing sadness won't swallow me alive.
There's a shit ton of good books on helping yourself survive the warped perception of and unhealthy expression or repression of emotions. I like this book in particular because my personal experience has resulted in me having an anxiety disorder. There's plenty of other books at the library and on Amazon.
Congratulations on your progress so far! One of the things that heavy, long-term marijuana use does is keep us from claiming control and agency over our thought processes. The brain is like a field of tall grass. As we choose to take one pathway more often than others the grass gives way to a trail, and traveling down that trail takes less effort than going through the grass. The more we use certain neural pathways the more ingrained they become. This is thought to be one of the main reasons people who suffer from one depressive episode are at much greater risk for recurrent episodes throughout their lives. It sounds like you are doing a great job building new external habits, but you may want to also spend some time consciously retraining your brain to take new neural pathways to more positive and energized conclusions. This can be done through a combination of mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy. Both of these can be done on your own, without the guidance of a mental health professional. (but if you feel like you want help, therapy can be very helpful too. And take the impetus of learning all these techniques alone off your shoulders.)
I am recovering from 10 years of heavy use starting in my teens, and depression, anxiety, and rumination are some of my most difficult symptoms. These techniques are helping me a lot.
I really liked this book: https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286
But there are so many good ones out there!
Best of luck reclaiming your mind, mate!
These 2 books are recommended, I know of no movies so my apologies:
http://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341904950&sr=8-1&keywords=Body+language
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1341904950&sr=8-3&keywords=Body+language
If you cannot afford them, feel free to PM me and I'll message you the PDF dl links. : )
The Book by Alan Watts is one of my favorite books of all time.
I also really suggest just listening to lectures/videos you can find on youtube of Alan Watts, Ram Dass, Terence McKenna, and more. Here are some good youtube channels to check out:
tragedyandhope
Study Yourself
Omega Point
watercourseway
iReleaseEndorphins
The Journey of Purpose
Agape Insitori
Shots of Awe
Spirit Science
Science and Nonduality
revolutionloveevolve
Infinite Waters
One Mind Messiah
Also here is a playlist I'm working on that I update every few days. Hope you discover something of value :)
Honestly - I would look into Alan Watts talks on youtube. He's a Zen Buddhist, not a traditional tibetan buddhist, but the major philosophies are the same. He also as a book called "The Book - The Taboo of Knowing Who You Are" which I highly recommend.
Try Alan Watts for size. Start with his audio, and if you dig it, slip into one of his books, possibly even The Book
I've read a few of Alan Watts books, I would recommend The Book (on the Taboo agains knowing who you are). The Way of Zen is also a great introduction to Buddhism. I also like the work of J. Krishnamurti. On Having No Head by Douglas Harding is also a classic for backpackers.
This is an especially valid point when you consider that sociopaths are much more likely than the average person to end up dead as the result of drug or crime related activity, to contract HIV, to end up in prison, to end up incapacitated by other mental illnesses (hypochondria is a common one), and on and on. The majority of them are either dead or "burned out" (suffering greatly from one of the aforementioned consequences) by the time they reach their early 50s. (All info from The Sociopath Next Door, chapter 10.)
So, basically, these terpy terps are willing to literally risk their very lives in order to try to get some pussy.
Good job, idiots.
Many reasons.
1 - 4% of the population are sociopaths. Some babies are born without legs or arms. Some are born without the capacity to feel empathy for others. Check out this book for more information.
Some people have done the calculation. There are two ways to acquire resources: Work or plunder. Work is hard, and hard to find. Plunder is comparatively easier in the short run, though it leads to problems in the long run. People who want an easy way out and do not tend to think of the long term impacts, or who feel they have no other options, may opt to plunder.
Lastly, people can be socialized to steal and or rob by people around them. Certain communities and cultures promote theft and other crime for a variety of reasons and with a variety of justifications. Gang culture, for example, and some groups within Romani culture. I once witnessed my own sister, for example, teaching her children to shoplift.
I would check out most of Cal Newport's recent writings. He received his PhD in Computer Science from MIT, and is now teaching at Georgetown.
His main thesis is deliberate practice consists of lots of different facets, most of which aren't necessarily thought about. While his work focuses a lot on improving work in "knowledge fields" it is drawn mostly from creative pursuits. He argues that thinking about your habits for practicing and learning (meta-habits) are just as important as sitting down to practice or learn. For example, knowing how to build a clear path of improvement and success in learning the piano is as important as sitting down and working through the hard parts. Sometimes the hardest part is simply figuring out where it is wisest to invest your time.
His article "The Deliberate Creative" I found to be particularly enlightening, among others. He's also been published in the New York Times, The Economist, and has five bestselling books.
On a side note, I originally found him looking for ways to improve my study habits, which is what he originally wrote about as an undergraduate. Any current high school or college students would benefit GREATLY (IMO) from his blog and first three books. Seriously, the guy has some great stuff.
While your end goal might be cartoons, you will HAVE to learn to draw realistically to some extent. No way would you be able to animate anything in perspective otherwise, understand lighting, or know how to composite complex scenes. There are fundamentals that you must understand that are key to 2D animation, regardless of art style, which should be continuously worked on alongside your stylistic development.
Books:
Simple book on perspective
My favorite anatomy book
A pretty simple book on light (More pictures/examples than in-depth detail)
Overall beginners drawing book
This covers light/shadow and materials decently for beginners
I personally think you should focus on fundamentals alone until you have a decent grasp before looking at animation. But if you want to learn concurrently, this book is pretty well-known in the industry: LINK
There's tons more, but I already think this might be too much to take in all at once. Discover for yourself the rest, it's not good to have everything handed to you with fundamentals, gotta reign it in personally.
I highly suggest the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"
https://smile.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
One of the biggest concepts it helped my wife and I with was to stop giving our kids "punishments" and start giving them "natural consequences" for their actions.
Whenever they misbehave in a specific way then the consequence of their action is always somehow related to what they did, and to try to always make sure we warn him of potential consequences before they happen.
For instance today our son was playing too close to his sister's face with one of his toys so we warned him that he needed to not get so close to her because he might hurt her, and explained that there would be consequences if he didn't listen to us. Sure enough about 5 minutes later he accidentally bopped her in the nose and she started crying. I explained to him that because he hadn't listened to me and had hurt his sister as a consequence of his behavior he couldn't play with that toy again for the rest of the day and he had to leave the room and couldn't play with his sister for 10 minutes. He cried when I took the toy and then stood just outside the room sobbing until I let him back in and we talked about why he had to leave the room and why he needed to listen to me and be gentle around his sister. I think it worked out pretty well since he was more careful around her for the rest of the day, but I'm sure we'll go through the same thing all over again tomorrow.
That said, kids at this age being jerks who won't help is TOTALLY NORMAL and I absolutely snap at mine sometimes when I'm at my wit's end. If you're doing it right parenting is extremely hard work and nobody can be at the top of their game 100% of the time.
Remember that they aren't being jerks on purpose or with any kind of malice, they're just being jerks because that's what kids do. Their brains work differently than ours do and they lack the kind of impulse control and sense of responsibility that adults have. Part of what we're doing by having the same conversations/fights with them over and over and over again is helping them to learn the impulse control and responsibility that will make them successful adults.
Good luck! And please take a look at that book. It's a classic so you should be able to find a copy at your public library. It's a little hippie-dippie in parts but it has some really great suggestions and examples and it's helped me have a better relationship with my son.
I think this one is fairly well-recommended around here.
https://www.amazon.ca/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
And Yale has a parenting course that deals with this as well (and it is free to audit: you can take the course but you can't take the test at the end and get a certificate):
https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting
Take a solo vacation if at all possible - even if just to a hotel in your area, but you don't go home. You need to hit reset on your life.
Also, a constant refrain on this sub is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk You have to seriously want to change and be consistent with your follow-through if you want it to help, though.
You should start browsing r/seduction. It’s a sub fully dedicated to “picking up” women and basically getting dates and finding a girlfriend.
I’ll summarize what the sub will most likely tell you if you chose to ask the same question over there.
Your weight, your athleticism, your age, that doesn’t matter man, you know why? How many men approach women? 5-10% ?
You are going to be in that 5-10%. You are going to be in that small group of confident outgoing men where looks don’t matter, you’ll realize after reading the book and browsing the sub that confidence matters.
I'd recommend this article - you might not relate to all of it, but it still contains lots of great tips and perspectives: Nonmonogamy for Men: The Big Picture.
'Models' by Mark Manson is a great book with general dating tips for men interested in women. You might also want to get some help getting high quality photos taken for your online dating profiles, and get a few people to give you honest, constructive feedback so it's as appealing as possible.
It sounds like you're in a tough position because there are a lot of women in open/poly relationships whose husbands or boyfriends enforce OPPs (one penis policies) whether overtly or covertly. And a lot of couples open up because the wife is bisexual and specifically wants to date women rather than men.
Not to mention, like others have said, few women will want to be a permanent secondary. Women typically get lots of men (poly and mono) seeking relatively low-commitment relationships with them, so you need to ask yourself what do you have to offer that stands out from the crowd?
I personally recommend the "bible" of the Fertility Awareness Method: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH. (The new 20th anniversary edition comes out in July.)
Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which describes in detail how changes in your cycle impact your body, allowing you to figure out your most fertile days.
Expecting Better, a book by a kick-ass economist. She goes through all the pregnancy recommendations and digs up the initial studies to say what the evidence actually says.
Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn - just what it says on the tin
"All Joy and No Fun" and "Why Have Kids?" are interesting reads if you want to examine parenthood in American culture, but are less relevant for the TTC process.
Whenever I see posts like this I recommend this book (not necessarily stoic). It's basic premise is that its all in your head and with the right attitude you can find enjoyment (even fulfillment) from something as mundane as folding the laundry.
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=flow+book&qid=1557777574&s=gateway&sr=8-1
I guess I just don't give a flying fuck anymore about what pop culture says about men and women? It's such a poisoned well of nonsense that I can't begin to fathom why anyone would waste their time trying to extract any kind of personal validation, identity, soul, or meaning from it. Or why they would regard it as any kind of real authority on how to live your life and be a super awesome human being.
What I mean is you say your tired of hearing about everything women do as being described as empowering? Then stop listening. Turn off the radio, movies, and the television and pick up a good book and while your at it try autoerotic asphyxiation or a flashlight or lube or whatever while you masturbate. And know that it was your choice and your right to do it and no one can take that away from you no matter how much spittle flies from their maw when they call you a faggot. Rock'n'roll baby. Also if you do decide to pick up a book, check out Sex At Dawn. I kinda wanna punch your shoulder and give you a strong hug. :-)
I've read your replies and it's comforting to know that there are other people that think the same way I do.
I'm not sure how much this ties in, but I remember listening the to the author of this book
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321827569&sr=8-1
on the radio
(the radio program in question)
http://www.kqed.org/a/forum/R201111091000
and it really made me appreciate the fact that the way we now treat relationships as monogamous on/off switches is really a social construct and that we should really be doing what feel comfortable.
I don't wanna do a game of telephone and try to re-say everything he said, b/c I'd probably butcher it.. but I recommend you listen to the radio program. I think you'd like it. (and I'd be interesting in knowing what you think).
You should check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813
It's important to remember that human beings are ANIMALS - we have natural feelings that are part of our evolutionary biology. The moral dogma of religion is not realistic or even compatible with the natural way humans are wired.
Sex at Dawn is a book that makes the argument that no, humans are not naturally monogamous. I wasn't entirely convinced, but the book has a lot of interesting information about sex, evolutionary history, monkeys etc. Worth the read.
Forcing yourself into anxiety-causing situations can actually strengthen the disorder. You can't heal a broken hand by whacking it with a hammer. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is needed to change the way your brain approaches social situations. If a therapist tells you to "face your fears" then he doesn't truly understand the problem and you should find another therapist.
I used the audio series from the Social Anxiety Institute and it really opened my eyes about my behavior and ways of thinking. Poke around their websites (socialphobia, sai). It's a good place to start.
Also: There are lots of books out there on how to prepare for/act in social situations. I've read many of them and the one I highly recommend is How to Talk to Anyone. It's a simple layout, a fun read, and it's full of good tips and tricks.
I would say discuss with pastor. Mother in Law may not be the best for spiritual advice here.
From what I understand, the argument against stuff like IUDs or hormonal birth control is that, if they fail at preventing the sperm from reaching an egg, there is a risk that the device or medicine can cause the fertilized egg to fail to implant in the uterine wall.
For many conservative Christians, this means that these methods can produce an abortion, making them unacceptable for use. I suppose the line of reasoning for your mother in law might be:
However, to be honest, condoms can be a bit of a bother, but they really aren't so bad. Perhaps try looking for some of the ultra-thin condoms and such? Also, you could try combining the use of condoms with fertility tracking, which might allow for a least some time during the month that you and you wife can have sex without the use of condoms. My wife was recommended Taking Charge of your Fertility by a friend, and it worked well enough for us.
****
For a little more detail:
In the case of hormonal methods ("The Pill", hormonal IUDs, &c.), the medicine releases hormones into the woman's body that mimic those present in pregnancy. Thus, the normal menstrual cycle is halted, in theory, causing none of the typical events (ovulation, thickening of the uterine lining, thinning of the uterine mucus, etc.) to take place. The primary purpose of this is to prevent ovulation (no egg, nothing for the sperm to fertilize). It also has the side effects of preventing the sperm from reaching the Fallopian tubes (around ovulation, the uterus prepares itself to basically aid the sperm in finding its way to the 'tubes, but if no ovulation happens, these other things don't happen either), and, relevant here, it also reduces (if not stops) the uterine wall from thickening, as it (usually) does after ovulation to prepare to receive a fertilized egg (a process called implantation). This is also why hormonal birth control is often prescribed to alleviate excessive period pains. The result of this is that, if the first part fails and an egg is released, and a sperm happens to get to the egg, it's possible the unthickened uterine lining will increase the chances that the fertilized egg fails to implant.
In the case of older, copper IUDs, which do not have a hormonal aspect, the device works basically by altering the chemical environment in the uterus to make it inhospitable to sperm. So, basically, the sperm, ideally, die before they can reach the Fallopian tubes where the egg is waiting. However, I'm guessing, by the same token, the copper IUD would also make the uterus inhospitable to a fertilized egg, if a sperm manages to get there (so it would actively kill the fertilized egg). Also, as I understand it, it is possible for the sperm to be damaged to such a degree that any fertilized egg would end up being non-viable.
There is a lot of debate over this aspect of these methods. For those who insist that a pregnancy begins at implantation (which is the position the medical community holds), there is no issue, as these methods are not killing an implanted embryo (however, you should have the IUDs removed or stop taking the pills as soon as you know you are pregnant if it happens). For those who insist that a pregnancy begins at fertilization (which is the position of many conservative Christians), then there is serious concern that the use of these methods may, inadvertently, result in an abortion (killing the fertilized egg). However, even there, IIRC, there is some debate as to how much the thinned uterine wall actually causes a fertilized egg to fail to implant.
Understandably, this is a difficult area to study scientifically. There is some evidence, I think, that the failure of an egg to implant is not uncommon under normal* situations, which I have seen some use to argue for the "pregnancy begins at implantation" position.
Even within those two broad positions, I have heard a good bit of debate (for example, I've seen Principle of Double Effect applied to the situation of preventing implantation).
Of course, all of the above assumes a position that contraception is, at worst, permissible but regrettable (i.e., a position opposed to contraception in principle, but allows for it in certain cases, broadly or narrowly restricted). If the person's or church's position is simply that birth control is not permissible under any circumstances, then all of the above is moot.
I am not on hormonal birth control. We use condoms when I am fertile, which which is a little over a week every month. You can be as conservative with your choices (e.g. no penatrative sex before ovulation is confirmed) as you like to ensure you will not be at risk of pregnancy.
I keep track of my fertility status myself and know when I can and can not get pregnant. I use a Lady-Comp to help me do this. You don't have to spend the money on the Lady-Comp, but I find it to be helpful and worth it for me. I also highly reccomend this book, it will really help you to understand what is going on with your body and make informed decisions about it. Even if you decide you want to use birth control, I still reccomend that book.
During sleep you're in an altered state of consciousness which prevents you from being aware of your surroundings. It seems like your perception of time is much influenced by different types of sensory information (such as vision, sound, hearing). Since you're no longer consciously aware of that information from the environment, there is no way for the brain to determine the time between constituent events.
Alterations of the perception of time also occur when people are intensely focused on a task, which makes it seem like time is speeding up. Psychologist call this mental state *flow*, which is characterized by complete absorption in what one does, and a resulting loss in one's sense of space and time. If you find this interesting I highly recommend Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi his book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience.
What is also interesting, is the fact that a lot of people report time distortions after taking psychedelics or cannabis. This probably also has to do with a different awareness of the order of events which in turn distorts the perception of time. For instance people experience dilation of time; the feeling that time has slowed down. This commonly occurs during intense hallucinogenic experiences and seems to stem from the fact that during an intense trip, abnormally large amounts of experience are felt in very short periods of time. People also experience the opposite effect, speeding up of time. This commonly occurs under the influence of certain stimulating compounds and seems to at least partially stem from the fact that during intense levels of stimulation, people typically become hyper-focused on activities and tasks in a manner which can allow time to pass them by without realizing it.
And what is even more bizarre is the experience of time reversal, reported in many psychedelic experiences. This is the perception that the events, hallucinations, and experiences that occurred around one's self within the previous several minutes to several hours are spontaneously playing backwards in a manner which is somewhat similar to that of a rewinding VHS tape.
It's a fascinating complex subject, full of unanswered questions ;)
Squid and Dr. PP both recommend the art of learning, and the inner game of tennis and they're both godlike so I'd take their advice. Flow is really good too.
Something cool you could do is get into chess. I only played chess seriously for a few months really, but I feel like it gave me another angle to think about tactics and strategy in. Chess is really fun and it'll give you that same competitive brain feeling melee does without killing your hands.
/r/chess has lots of guides about how to get into the game and stuff. There's lots of cool websites now like www.chesstempo.com where you can do tons of tactics training puzzles that are really fun and make the learning curve for beginners a lot less steep than it was back in the day when chess books were the only option(which are great, but it's really hard as an absolute beginner to sit down with a chess book and actually make it through it).
If you're already like 2100 fide rated or some shit then just ignore this lol.
Ya know, you can have what he has without the woo.
Now take those qualities you've focused on, and find 2-3 ways of applying them in your life every day. Bonus: keep a journal. Right it down. Over time, you train yourself to become the person you want to be.
You can do what your friend did without sacrificing your intellectual integrity.
For those interested: his book, Sex at Dawn
The way your wife is going about this is detestable. That said, is this the first time she mentioned open relationship, or is it something you have talked about before with her and now she is just making it an ultimatum?
Happy relationships exist outside the traditional monogamous norm, (please see /r/polyamory) and it is entirely possible for some people (not all) to not only have sex outside their marriage, but to love outside their marriage without damaging the primary relationship.
Again, if this is a sudden out of the blue ultimatum, your wife has not done a good job at all. I seriously recommend you discuss why she wants this (i.e. sexual dissatisfaction, lost the "spark", etc.) and then discuss rules about the relationship. Open does not have to mean "you can do whatever you want", it can mean a huge number of things, and rules can exist to ease the transition and comfort level of each partner.
Recommended reading: The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn
TL;DR: If you care about your marriage, discuss it openly and try to put aside your pain and consider rationally.
So, clearly you're attracted to women.
Are you attracted to men? It doesn't sound like it to me.
As for getting turned on by gay porn or by men in porn... IMO that's not enough to "prove" that you're gay or bi. You say you're not attracted to those guys. Some people just get turned on in the presence of anything sexual.
There may also be an evolutionary component, a pressure for (straight) men to be aroused by other men's arousal because it signals available women. I recommend Sex at Dawn if you haven't read it yet. Highly readable sex science book.
Or maybe this is how you figure out you're bi. It doesn't sound like that to me, but people are complicated. If in 5 or 10 years you're actually attracted to guys, what's the harm?
No rules broken, as far as I know, but Sex at Dawn is a rather dubious work of popular science. I wouldn't recommend it, and I'm guessing the people downvoting you agree.
By the way, you don't need RES to make links:
Sex at Dawn
Becomes:
Sex at Dawn
Here is something I typed up previously. The book I am writing will talk about most of this stuff. I'll be posting some articles I'm writing about communication here soon. For now, my old post. I endorse these books:
-------
So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.
Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole lot...at least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.
That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:
(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)
Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
A book with an overall good perspective. A little sappy and cloying at times, but in general the intentions are in the right place with this one. Could come off as a little bit squishily academic, but an ok read and a good perspective.
Author: Alan Alda
I'm actually reading this book right now and it is a funny take on Alda's life and work and he relates his stories through (and about communication). Alda is actually pretty smart about communication and comes at it differently than most anyone else on this list. Funny and witty, what you might expect from such a great actor and comedian. Definitely worth reading.
Author: Jay Sullivan
More about work than other contexts but good advice overall. I only skimmed parts of this one so can't speak to every aspect, but appeared to be decent enough quality when I reviewed it.
Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
Different from the others on the list, this one is written by a Buddhist monk who takes a more spiritual view of communication. It is a good philosophical approach. I found parts of this book enlightening. It is not scientific-ish enough for me and it makes no claims to be. It is a philosophy book on communication, but an easy, accessible read and worth your time.
Author: Kerry Patterson
A good enough book if you're looking to navigate conflicts/difficult conversational things at work or in relationships. Deals more with the challenging aspects of communication, but for what it is, good enough advice.
Author: Liel Lowndes
Similar to the book above, but more about making conversation with people. As far as these types of books go, this one is ok enough and actually has some good advice on things to try when attempting to communicate with others.
Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.
Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.
No it's not. I took great interest in it a few years ago. Within 10 years, there will be face recognition, and body analyzation software that will be able to tell how you feel, or what you're about to do before you do it.
Did you know that globally across the world, there are specific facial gestures that represent emotion? This instinctively tells us that these are born with these. It's inherent, not taught/learned.
I definitely think the doc posted here is amplified in bullshitness for viewing, but it's no pseudo science.
Check out this book on amazon if you're interested.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
and this one by former FBI agent Joe Navarro
https://www.google.com/search?q=fbi+agent+body+language+book&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8
After reading the book and apply principles, it's no psuedo science. I took great interest is just watching people in every day situations as well as experiences with me included.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.
To add to this people often have some kind of tick as well too when they lie, twirling their hair, scratching their nose, etc.
If you want to get really crazy and and event study some body language to further up your acting game, check out the excellent book "The Definitive Book of Body Language". It is very thorough, visual and even has tests at the end. Great read.
I read "The Definitive Book of Body Language" by Barbara and Allan Pease. It was easy to read, and might have actually helped a bit.
Also, first season of Lie to Me for microexpressions
Edit: I learned how to link
My kid really enjoyed https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/
I think that the idea that there are clues that one can use to deduce things that most people don't realize might be attractive to someone trying to puzzle out the rules. Good luck!
Alan Watts' The Book. Makes me tranquil like no other, and tranquil is the way I want to leave this world.
I haven't read most of the suggestions here, but I found Alan Watts' lectures to be very thought-provoking. I watched videos of his lectures on Youtube (probably starting with these excerpts, which were animated by the South Park creators), but he's written some books, too. This one seems interesting: The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are
Watts (like many others) distills parts of Eastern philosophy so that it's more easily digestible by Western audiences, but I can't speak to his faithfulness to the source philosophies.
From his book "The Book: On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are"
http://www.amazon.com/Book-Taboo-Against-Knowing-Who/dp/0679723005
I enjoyed Alan Watts - The Book. This man certainly did not give unwarranted fucks!
https://www.amazon.com/Book-Taboo-Against-Knowing-Who/dp/0679723005?crid=T8358G0DP00B&keywords=alan+watts+the+book&qid=1527056347&sprefix=alan+watts+the+book&sr=8-1&ref=mp_s_a_1_1
Are you talking about this one
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0679723005/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1478196119&sr=8-3&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=The+book
By Allan Watts?
I discovered it yesterday and its going to arrive in a couple of days. Glad To hear I’m not wasting my time with it.
If it means anything, this isn't abnormal - or perhaps it is, but I'll get to that.
Part of the reason I cheat really isn't about the sex, it's about the power derived from it - knowing that the mom I was with chose to be with me instead of her husband or her children. I think what I truly adore is taking something beautiful - vows, a mother's love, and destroying it simply because I can.
As I write this, I'm sitting in a small apartment that I use as an office in one of my properties. One of my lovers is asleep in bed after a night of fucking. I'm about to go to the gym. When I come back to the office, odds are she will have made me breakfast - it can be a good life sometimes.
Last night I choked her with a necktie as I fucked her ass - and then we held each other lovingly as we both drifted to sleep. I treated her like a whore and a painslut. I gave her what her goofy loser husband never could. But before we slept, she was showing me some pictures of her last overseas business trip with her husband and children. And I got to see her smiling husband and smiling teenage child and briefly wondered if the child would go to college and become a dirty painslut like her mother.
Because, you see, I like to win too, and I always win. You and I may be cut from the some cloth. You may get off on knowing that you are desired above all others. Is it normal? No, not to 98% of the population... but you may be different like me. So I wouldn't worry that much. It may be normal for people like us.
Read ["The Sociopath Next Door"] (http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828) it may open your eyes to your true potential in life.
It actually does sound like you're dealing with sociopaths, just less stereotypically competent ones (not everyone can be a brilliant, suave, evil genius after all). An excellent book on the topic I'd suggest is The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. About 5% is normal, even in the general population.
Apart from the different subs people are referring, I'd recommend getting the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I picked it up when I was TTC my second child, worried it'd take us another 2 years like our first, and it laid everything out in very easy to understand terms.
Honestly, it explained stuff that had never been mentioned to me before. And I remember going through a pretty thorough book with my mom when I was 12 or so... lot more information today than there were 15 years ago, I guess.
Good luck!
So the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility is all about education about your body and is really interesting and informative.. it talks about using daily temping/cervical mucus as ways to know if you're ovulating and how that applies to either getting pregnant or Not getting pregnant and has a good section on birth control even if a lot of the book focuses on getting pregnant. That, and Condoms!
Edit: Or even the copper IUD if the hormones are the issue.
Congrats! Here are my tips . . . (Cut and pasted from another post.)
These helped me make better decisions because they presented me with many options to try for trial and error, or good jumping off points for further research. I have honestly never had a "what do I do now?!" parenting moment because I have read so much that I have back up plans in my pocket if the first thing I try doesn't work. I have also never had any of the struggles with my son that a lot of people have around sleeping, eating, behavior, etc. and while I know some of that is because we have a healthy kid, I truly believe a lot of it comes from being an informed parent who explores all the options and tries the ones that have the most evidence for working well in combination with what feels right for me and my family.
I tried to just list the neutral/middle of the road books that are fun and/or give enough indepth information on most sides of an issue to be a great jumping off point for exploring particular parenting styles, options, etc.
In no particular order:
Ugh, tell me about it. I'm gonna put a link to the book here because I honestly believe everyone should read it. They should teach all of this in fourth grade or something. There's so much we aren't taught about our bodies!
>Why should women be the only ones to alter their reproductive systems?
I am a woman, FYI. My spouse does not have access to birth control in the forms that I do. I can recognize the inherent sexism here. I have no doubt that male birth control was not explored or approved as easily as women's birth control because of sexism. Women's suffering has always been more acceptable than men's. The side affects of many hormonal birth controls are atrocious.
And while women do risk death and disability with pregnancy, approaching pregnancy as being a natural normal physiological event instead of treating it like a problem or a disease has produced significantly improved outcomes for both mother and baby. But that's a different topic I shouldn't try to dig into here!
There are, however, options that do not rely on hormones. Also, I highly recommend every woman have a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility because it is helpful for women's health regardless of if you do or do not want to have children.
I recognize the trouble with my commentary in this moment is that I spoke very generally instead of about vasectomies specifically, but there are still complications that can arise from vasectomies.
So, as I stated in my main comment - I wholeheartedly ascribe to the idea that every couple must make this decision for themselves with prayerful consideration. In the mean time, I don't think it's terrible to think about there being other possible reasons for the Church having a policy on the practice that isn't tied specifically around actual reproduction.
If you go a few months and you don't get pregnant, I recommend picking up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility and thinking about starting to track (taking temps & looking at mucus, etc). It's a really good resource!
https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909
I am in a closed FFM triad, and we are fluid bonded. We currently have one child and are trying for another. As I am the woman NOT trying to get pregnant, we use withdrawal and fertility tracking. Actually, both of us (women) use fertility tracking, just for different purposes.
I have used this method of birth control for my entire marriage (10 years) and never had an unplanned pregnancy. The only pregnancy I've had is the one with my daughter, which we tried for.
We are very cautious, and use withdrawal most of the time, even when I know I'm safe. My wife used it for 2 years prior to us trying to have a child, and she never had an unplanned pregnancy either. There is definitely a learning curve to this method, I would not rely on it until you've established a 6 month baseline of knowing your cycle and pinpointing your ovulation.
If you are interested in this form of birth control I suggest picking up a copy of 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility', it is an excellent resource.
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342271170&sr=1-1&keywords=taking+charge+of+your+fertility
It's important to do the same time every day b/c your body temp naturally rises through the night into the morning. I would set your alarm and go with it. I set mine for 6am b/c that's when my partner gets up in the AM and she usually wakes me anyways. On the weekends, I wake up enough to take my temp and fall back asleep. I think it was on here, but someone (a lady and a scholar) suggested putting a bit of velcro on the thermometer and attach it to a spot on your bed frame so you don't have to fumble around. Genius! Or, apparently there are thermometers out there that will store data for a few hours so you could record your temp, go back to sleep, and record it when you wake up. Mine doesn't do this. :(
It sounds like we both have a similar approach to TTC, philosophy-wise, so I'd strongly recommend the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
I finally bought it after seeing it referenced so much in forums and am glad of it. I thought I was doing well with my research online, but there were so many holes and it was frustrating to have to sort through data on multiple websites. One book was just easier.
First and foremost, r/meditation is a great resource.
To answer your questions:
Sleep: I try to meditate when I first wake up, but sometimes I meditate later in the day. When I get up, I use the bathroom first, turn on the lights, and drink a ton of water which raises your blood pressure and helps wake you up. I then either go to my yoga mat, or remove my pillows and lay flat on my bed, alternatively a lot of meditators sit while meditating to avoid falling asleep, I prefer laying down because I have a neck injury and sitting causes me too much discomfort. I then put on a guided meditation either from Headspace, or occasionally from Youtube. All of the above helps me stay awake, so you just have to find what works for you.
As for your other questions I'll try to address them together as they're actually related.
There are a lot of myths and expectations about meditation, and one of the first things you have to do when you first start meditation practice is accept that you don't know how to meditate and that's totally natural, normal and okay. The reason its called a practice, is because you're practicing no matter how many years you've been meditating, there is no such thing as perfect mediation it doesn't exist.
Next, the goal of meditation is not to stop thinking. It is impossible to stop thinking, if there was a way to stop thinking someone would have figured it out by now and bottled it and we'd all be consuming or doing whatever it is that stops us from thinking (some might argue psych meds try and sell this very concept, but yet almost everyone here on meds still thinks and still has symptoms so while they do help in this department, they mostly numb you to thoughts rather then stop them). The fact of the matter is you need to accept that you cannot stop thinking, the only thing you can control is your relationship with your thoughts. That's it.
I can't tell you have many silly, depressive, or pointless thoughts I've had in my life, and for years I paid attention to all of them as if they were the absolutely truth, but the reality was none of them had any meaning. I simply had a poor relationship with them, coddled them, and gave them attention they didn't deserve. Now when I start thinking circularly I just recognize that is what I'm doing (its taken years of training to recognize it, and I still do it sometimes because I can't stop it from happening), so I just focus on my breathing, and move on with my day and get back to my goals.
The key to meditation is finding an anchor point of focus such as your breath, the feeling of your stomach rising and falling, for some people it is their heart beat, for others it is a mantra. You just have to find what works for you and try different meditation points of focus. Personally I rotate between several techniques depending on how I'm feeling, and what works that day. I find the breath and a mantra I've synced to my breathing to be the most helpful personally, but I also use visualization techniques, labeling techniques, and some breathing techniques as well. Most of which I've learned using Headspace, Youtube, and by attending different yoga classes and meditation groups.
Anyhow, getting back to my point about changing your relationship with your thinking, that's the most critical component to meditation as it allows you to break the cycle that leads to depressive thinking and ADHD type thinking. By having a physical anchor to bring you back into the present moment you can identify your thinking, as well "thinking", and get back to the present moment. Often we confuse thoughts with feelings, and sometimes we confuse emotions as well.
The problem with modern psychiatry and psychology is all the labeling that happens trying to define and categorize different kinds of thoughts, but this is a ridiculously flawed approach in my opinion. Thinking is universal, all thoughts are just thoughts. There are no bad thoughts or good thoughts. Western medicine loves to label everything and assign it importance and meaning when reality is nothing really needs to be labeled or has any meaning, it only has the meaning you personally associate with it. In other words, there is no such thing as a "depressive thought", its just a concept thats been drilled into your head since you were a kid by the media, doctors, possibly even your parents. It is just a thought like any other, and to assign any the label "depressive" to any of your thoughts means you're actually manifesting further depressive labeling. Next thing you know half your thoughts you've labeled as depressive which then in turn makes you more depressed. The reality is, it is just a thought, and you have the capability to let it go, label it as just another thought. You just have to train yourself how to do it, and let go of all these pointless labels. The only labels that really matter are identifying thinking vs. feeling, and how emotion might be playing a role in either. That's it. The nature of thinking as a whole is fairly simple, its when you start trying to look for meaning in everything that you actually cause more problems.
If you literally just sit there for 10 minutes, have a thought, label it as thinking, go back to your breath, then have another thought, label it as thinking, go back to your breath, etc. for the entire 10 minutes that is actually meditation. It's totally normal, and you're actually training your brain to recognize that all thoughts are just thinking. One of my favorite meditation practices is a labeling technique just like I mentioned where you assign the label "thinking" to thoughts, and "feeling" to anything happening in the body. It's amazing when you sit for 10 minutes and realize how much of what you physically thinking is feeling is actually just thinking.
For example, I hate driving over bridges and get major anxiety every time I drive over a bridge, I tense up, my heart starts racing, and my thoughts go wild. Now I just focus on my breath and stay anchored in my body and just remind myself every time I have an anxious thought that it is just thinking, and that I'm not actually feeling anything bad or in any danger, my body is actually fine. I've changed my relationship with the thoughts so that I don't tense up anymore, my heart doesn't really race like it use to (although it can still pick up sometimes which is usually an indicator that I need to meditate on it), and by the time I'm even just half way across the bridge I just let go of any anxious thoughts. I don't try to stop them from happening, because I can't stop them, I just know they're going to happen so I practice my meditation techniques and get through the experience until its over.
You basically just need to figure out how to become an observer, like your standing on the edge of a river bed and just watch as your thoughts float by, and stop associating meaning and purpose with them. Its exhausting, and will just make you depressed to do so, its a lot easier once you get the hang of it to just let it go.
There's a good book on this subject, honestly its a bit dry but the lessons in it are good. The author has also done a TedTalk.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A4w3W94ygA
https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0
Start with meditation, improve your diet, and perhaps start a mood journal or use a mood tracking app so you can see the impact meditation and eating better has on your life. There's nothing more convincing then data from yourself to continue to motivate yourself to keep doing something.
I totally support the meditation suggestion.
Although I would do it methodically in conjunction with cognitive behavioural therapy.
This course did wonders for me a while ago: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness-based_cognitive_therapy
You can do it by yourself too with this study book (includes guided meditations) if you dont have the money for a course. But be prepared to invest alot of time (~45 mins per day for 2-3 months) and dedication into the practice to get any benefits from this.
https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1593851286&pd_rd_r=HJZQV9JWBPGN747EYZ95&pd_rd_w=82WNi&pd_rd_wg=6HxFC&psc=1&refRID=HJZQV9JWBPGN747EYZ95
EDIT: length of time investment
>I'm constantly lost in my own sea of thoughts and emotions
I recommend reading "The Mindful Way through Depression." Even if you wouldn't describe yourself as depressed, it is a fascinating book written by 3 psychologists and a mindfulness teacher that describes how thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and behavior all interact. It teaches you how to use mindfulness to break free of the endless loop between thoughts and emotions and live mindfully in the present moment.
It also comes with a CD of excellent guided meditations that can help you as a beginner. The best $12.40 I have ever spent.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-Through-Depression/dp/1593851286
for anyone who is interested, a lot of the techniques in CBT share a common root in the practice of meditation (in my opinion).
i had serious problems with depression and i came to meditation while learning about CBT and it literally changed my life.
both are great though. i recommend The Mindful Way Through Depression.
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming by Stephen LaBerge
I haven't personally read it (yet), but it has an excellent reputation among the lucid dreaming community. It's basically THE book for those interested in lucid dreaming.
Please read The Art of the Deal fellow patriot! https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1486086511&sr=1-1&keywords=the+art+of+the+deal
das ist nun mal The Art of the Deal /s
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madman_theory
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493
I recommend some books on body language.
I'm currently reading The Definitive Book of Body Language
I have also read What Every BODY is Saying
I recommend both of them.
The first book is more about general body language, body language in business, and body language is courting. The second book is about lying and catching people lie.
There is also this book: Unmasking the Face: A Guide to Recognizing Emotions From Facial Expressions which I haven't read yet, but it looks good.
The Man who Mistook his Wife for a Hat By Oliver Sacks is an amazing book about odd neurological disorders and what they do to people. It is a fascinating, well-written book that was very easy to read.
Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain By Oliver Sacks is another very interesting book about how music affects the brain.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is another good book that'll make you a bit more observant of people.
The Art of War is always a classic, good, and informative read.
Those have been my favorite. I have a friend who suggest The Tipping Point is a really good book, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.
Hope that helped.
Edit: Me grammar wrongs
Not sure if you're only looking for fiction or an entertaining read, but here are some "self help" books which have blown my mind and have had a huge impact on my life for the better. I wouldn't personally call them "self help" books, but rather, books for everyone seeking to improve themselves and learn how to make a happier life for themselves and others. Please don't be put off by the nature of these "self help" books - a few years ago I was of the belief that these were only for social retards and people with psychological issues, but I've since learned that these books can pretty much improve the life of anyone in the world in some way. Some of the things I learned in these books were so profound I had to put the book down in shock just to process it all.
Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goleman
This shows how everyone (including yourself) will always see the world subjectively according to their own personal experiences and bias - whether being conscious of it or not. It'll really show you how to read more into interpersonal relations and develop a far better insight into how people (and perhaps even you) think mentally. Of course it's human nature for people to think they're perfectly rational, but this book shows how to recognise how people will subconsciously deceive themselves into seeing the world as the mind wants to see it.
The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease
As the title suggests, this shows you how to read into body language. This really blew my mind - with this you will learn how to read FAR more into people and more effectively project desired attitudes of your own onto others. This will teach you things that most people are totally oblivious to, and yet, by understanding body language you will be able to tell so much more about people from it - this has taught me how to find out what people are actually thinking.
How to Argue & Win Every Time by Gerry Spence
Don't be fooled by the title - this book is not so much about arguing as it is about getting what you want with people and in life. Written by one of the world's best trial lawyers, it'll teach you how to more effectively communicate and connect with others in order to get what you and others want. At first I was averse to reading anything from a lawyer, but he really surprised me on this one - it was a hugely entertaining read and his words were some of the wisest I've ever read.
Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer
This will teach you how to be funny! Of course, this sounds stupid and one might think that this kind of thing can't be learned, but I promise you that no matter who you are, if you read this you'll become a far more interesting person.
I don't know if these were the kind of books that you were looking for, but I hope this comes to some help to at least one Redditor out there. It's just that all of these books have greatly improved my life, and I wish I could have found these earlier. Plus it'd be nice if people would give more heartfelt suggestions on where to find more books like these - hope this helps =)
What Everybody is saying and The Definitive Book of Body Language are the two big ones as far as I know.
You're exactly the sort of person who will eventually stumble into the seduction community. You could do worse, but first, some warnings...
That said...
> How do I overcome my inexperience?
AndyNemmity said it: Practice.
> Should I ever tell women that I'm inexperienced? (I tried this once and it might've put her off.)
I would say, yes, you should; if nothing else, when asked, but I don't recommend bringing it up. This is really your call. Different people will react in different ways. It's going to take some time to learn what those ways will be.
> What should I do about my emotions showing up like yesterday?
I think my self-esteem problem comes from my inexperience, but is there anything I can do specifically for that problem?
You are not going for 100%. You are going for 5%. Out of 20, 19 are practice. Act on your emotions as soon as you get an inkling of them. Regret lasts so much longer than rejection.
> I'm starting to use dating sites. Do you have any ideas for my circumstances? (Maybe I should look for a short-term relationship, or more women in the 18-22 range, or older women?)
Every word counts. Give people something to build on. Make sure your profile has lots of things to talk about. You are awesome. You make awesome into a verb. Be as positive as possible: Nothing has ever gone wrong in your life.
When you reach out to someone, make sure that there's something obvious to respond to. Ask an open-ended question about their profile. "Hi, how's it going?" is good enough in real life, but sucks online.
> Is it wrong for me to turn down interested women? (Like the "love" case above, but maybe I should just do it anyway. That doesn't seem fair to anyone.)
It might be right for you. This is something only you can decide. Is a relationship with this woman an improvement in your life? Maybe, maybe not.
> Should I learn/accomplish/do something to stand out of the crowd?
I try to strike up a conversation before asking someone out to get some comfort in learning a little about them. Is this a bad approach? It probably limits my options.
If you have everyone's attention, you are making an impression on anyone you might be interested in. This is a two-way street, so while it's powerful, be careful.
You should have something interesting to talk about. Otherwise you're just one of the masses, and blending in isn't going to get anyone's attention.
I'll also mention that you might consider getting one of your female friends to set you up. This is likely to be a lot less game-playing. Maybe you want to play games; games are fun, after all, and you probably don't want something too serious right now. You probably don't even know what it is you want. If you do know, tap into your social network.
> If I'm the one keeping a conversation going (by asking questions, introducing topics, etc.), how likely is it that she's not interested?
Very likely, but that isn't your fault. We live in a self-centered society. The best you can manage is pay attention to the things other people say (do not talk to just girls; talk to everyone), and tie back into it later. Someone who is actually paying attention will be genuinely surprising.
On the downside, then you may well become the bored one.
> Are there any books that could help me? Assume I've never read any on this topic.
It sounds like the major issue you're having is picking up on signals. For that, I would recommend starting with The Definitive Book of Body Language; skip to chapter 15, but read the whole thing. I've also seen advertisements for You Say More Than You Think but haven't read it; that might be useful. Really there are any number of body language manuals out there. Read at least one, preferably more.
Consider reading either some of the book by Leil Lowndes (in particular, I'd recommend How to Talk to Anyone), or The Rules of the Game; both will get you started just talking to people. I would favor Leil Lowndes' work just because she seems less sketchy (though she did co-write a paper with David DeAngelo).
Ugh, I wrote this whole post for you and then it didn't post!!!
I'll try to recap. FYI I have two sons, only child of an Nmom & Edad.
Other resource: parentingbydrrene.com
These two resources will walk you through what it looks like to have empathy for your kid. So when they're acting out, start with their emotional state. Acknowledge & recognize their emotions. Then you can offer them choices, ways to figure out how to solve their own problem. This is EXACTLY what we never received as kids - and let me tell you, when you get it right it feels very healing to be able to be that parent that you know you never had. My kids feel comfortable telling me that I'm annoying, they hate me, or whatever.
Final thought - the three things that we, as parents, need to provide are simple. Structure, autonomy, and warmth. Often we had as children a lack of structure (we never knew what the reaction of our Nparents was going to be), a total lack of autonomy since we were just an extension of our Nparent, and warmth but only when the Nparent felt like it. You're asking the right questions. You're gonna be great. <3
For anyone who wants more help with talking to kids (and really anyone) I highly recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I checked it out from the library last year and was just blown away at how great it was. Bought a copy for my own shelf.
Try the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. I used it when I couldn't afford a therapist and was super useful. It helped my anxiety to be able to actually do something about it by going through the workbook and the exercises. It's easily been five years since I got it and I still use some techniques I learned.
Here's a link: https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912
Edit: PM me if you have any questions or need advice. I've been dealing with anxiety for over a decade.
As others have said - You are a great friend. He is lucky to have you.
As an INTP who went through a bought of moderate depression, I found cognitive behavioral therapy very helpful. A therapist is good but I know in many places expensive. My therapist recommended this book and a found it very helpful:
https://www.amazon.ca/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1469633149&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=mindfulness+depression
I connected with it on an emotional and rational level. I may sound like BS but it does work. I find a refer back to it when I am having depressive episodes. Basically we need to learn how to think better. We are really really good at thinking but sometimes thinking is not the answer and feeling is. I am happy to speak more about my experience if you have any questions.
I read a really great book that has helped my social anxiety immensely. It's called How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes. It gives you really simple tips that improve your social skills... And thinking about these tips will give you something to think about other than how awkward you are, which also helps.
Sometimes you can use books as "mentors." I'd recommend:
Your Money or Your Life - This motivated me to get my savings rate up to 70%+
The 4-Hour Workweek - Currently reading this and it definitely seems like a good read to get motivated to start a business, run a business more efficiently and reclaim your time.
Check out Library Genesis for a possible free download of the epub/mobi/pdf...if that's your thing.
Tim Ferris has a lot of good information in The 4-hour Work Week on exactly this subject. I am re-listening to it right now on audio book, it is a good one.
To paraphrase, he says something along these lines:
On email: keep it brief and to the point, let the person know who you are and what you are trying to do. Ask one or two questions that would help you the most at the time, and then ask if they would be willing to keep dialogue open for the occasional 1-2 questions. Never mention mentoring or anything along those lines.
Phone: Very similar to above, have questions prepared and ask permission to ask them. Then after, ask if he/she would be willing to answer the occasional question over email.
Your best bet is to find many (10-20) people that you look up to and ask all of them. This increases your odds of finding someone to help you out. Never be dishonest or misrepresent your intent, they are helping you after all.
Good luck, and check out that book, I know a lot of people on /r/entrepreneur have enjoyed it.
There is nothing noble in enabling irresponsibility in other people. Set boundaries with your friends and don't let them make their responsibilities yours.
Tell them to ask for their own damn napkins and keep yours to yourself.
btw, I like this book a lot. If you find this pattern with your friends, you might be dealing with lack of boundaries in other areas of your life, so I recommend giving this a read. (I'd suggest every human being read it, especially idealists like NFs)
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
this book will help. Read and apply it.
Short answer, be consistent. Start with setting a new expectation. “Baby, I love you and our relationship rocks. There’s one thing that’s been getting on my nerves, though. [insert explanation about him eating faster then you and therefore getting more food even when you split the bill]. I’d like us to agree on 50/50 from now on, or simply to order two separate orders if you feel like you’re going to still be hungry. Does that work for you?” Get his agreement and understanding, then stick to it. Refer to the conversation if he starts to beg. “Remember baby, we talked about this. Just because I eat less food then you at once doesn’t mean I won’t eat it later and I really look forward to leftovers. Do you want to order something else?”
Dr. Gabor Maté’s book “When the Body Says No” talks about the link between trauma (particularly abuse - emotional or physical) and migraines and IBS and I was FLOORED. I suffer from both and am also in the boat of thinking my childhood wasn’t that bad. In reality, I suppose I didn’t recognize how greatly my family’s issues and struggles affected me and I’ve likely buried some memories so deep down that I don’t remember them super clearly. Sometimes I worry that something worse happened and I blocked the memory.
The enneagram and Boundaries have helped me slowly start to identify my personal weaknesses and needs. Still have migraines and IBS though so maybe therapy is in order too!
Edit: The Boundaries book is super Christian but that’s how I was raised (maybe that was the trauma, haha) so it explains a lot for me.
This book helped me to become a reformed people pleaser: Boundaries
Yes, LA is full of actors who've dedicated their life to the craft. Many manage to earn a comfortable living -- and very few of those dedicated actors will earn hundreds of millions of dollars.
This is a near universal dynamic across many career paths in which moderate success is common and outstanding success is rare and extremely lucrative.
Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book on this very subject: Outliers: The Story of Success. I suggest you read it.
You know what they say, you need 10,000 hours to be an expert. There are no shortcuts to glory. The iron doesn't lie.
I believe good timing and luck are just as critical, if not moreso, as the other qualities. Outliers makes a good argument for this.
i listened to this book, its a great read. if you like this you should check out outliers by malcolm gladwell.
http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930
Second time in two days I get to pitch this book. It is fantastic.
Hey boss. I pretty much went though the same exact thing you did a couple years ago. Dated a girl for 3 years while in college, thought I was going to marry her, ect. She broke it off for various reasons, and I literally thought I was going to die. I had no real social circle, much less any good friends. She was my entire emotional support network for so long and I had no idea what to do when she left. To make matters worse, she began sleeping with other (random) people almost immediately. Talk about soul crushing. It was a dark time in my life.
But you know what? It forced me to grow. I now have a great job, an awesome circle of friends and another great girlfriend who I live with. Here are some things I realized on my journey post-breakup.
Basically all I can say it, you're gonna be alright eventually. You're doing the right thing by breaking off contact with her. Maybe eventually you guys can be friends, but focus on YOU for now. Hit the gym, and hit on some girls. In terms of getting back into the dating scene, the book Models by Mark Manson is amazing. Its not a scummy PUA (pick-up artist) book, but really teaches you how to find self worth in dating women. For your anxiety/depression, learning to meditate really helped me. This book is good for learning how.
Feel free to message me privately if you need any more help or clarification. I can also give some other book recommendations. Good luck!
Just talk to people. Put yourself out there. Be open to going out to parties, playing intramurals, etc.
I think you might also find this book helpful.
You ought to consider reading some books on psychopathy. Might connect a few more dots. Here are a few:
"trust, but verify"
One out of 25 people you encounter may be a sociopath, and you probably won't know until it's too late, quite possibly while you are dating them.
There's also The Mask of Sanity, which was a pioneering work in the study of sociopathy. I found it to be comprehensible for the layperson. I'm sure the field of study has moved on since 1941, but the case studies it presents are fascinating. From what I've read, the book by Hare that you suggested is also seminal, though I haven't read it yet. Hare was the one who came up with the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, Revised.
Another one for laypeople: The Sociopath Next Door. It's not a serious academic work and more along the lines of The Psychopath Test, but it's a quick read and very interesting.
eh, hate to break it to you, but prior to around 1970, american real wages increased at a steady rate for around 150 years. it has not done so for the last four decades. its more or less due to capitalist bastardry that more women have sought work in those decades than ever before. purely economical. now, the reason they are paid less is pure sexism, no doubt about it. somehow, i agree with both and neither of you.
jackelope: explain PLEASE why it is that so many board-members and CEOs are male and not female. while you are at it, please explain why those men and (though admittedly rare) women are more likely to be sociopathic (like four times more likely)? i would link a torrent site ebook with my citation of this fact but sadly, i cannot find one. here's the link to a fine book supporting my claim. its really good reading though, worth paying for, but if you can d/l, so much the better. open source and all that.
you are talking about the united states, correct silentagony? well, the united states government are inimical to labor and socialism (see the taft-hartley act of 1947 if you doubt me). equal rights are wonderful, but from my perspective, if you are successful, it will only make the oppression of the proletariat that much more diverse. women who win the game of capital do the same fucking thing that the men do, screw over the workers (who i will remind you are at the lower part of the structure of capital and MUCH more likely to be women who are screwed economically and sometimes worse but hey, that's patriarchal capital for you.)
to rmuser: yeah, sexism sure does suck. transsexism is pretty awful as well, perhaps you agree, perhaps not. i experience it and i think it does. the whole fucking thing is terrible and terrifying. wage gaps are wrong, but if they were removed, the proletariat would still be sodomized regardless of sex, gender or rock-and-roll (although i will be the first to admit that cismales are screwed a little less fiercely.)
again, to jackelope: fucking hell, language is VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT. did you even READ 1984? language controls the fucking NARRATIVE goddamnit! thoughtcrime? hell-fucking-o? i say all this because i fervently hope that this angry rant will spark some sense in someone.
fuck it all, there are no commies or anarchists for world peace. some fakers are for a piece of the world, but fuck 'em, they do not represent me...
no, i do not hate any of you, i think you all have valid points but you are all fighting the wrong enemy. theres a good quote from a game of thrones that i feel is relevant (mainly because i am a total ASOIF nerd). Osha (the wildling woman from north of the wall) says: "I tried telling your brother, he's marching the wrong way. All these swords, they should be going north, boy, north, not south."
winter is coming
hell, i do not care anymore about this stupid karma shit (apparently), this infighting is FUCKING STUPID, way to go o my lgbt comrades. if the game is crooked, EVERY FUCKING MOVE IN THE GAME IS FUCKING CROOKED.
.:
First off, grade equivalent scores are crap and don't work the way most people think.
>GRADE-EQUIVALENT SCORES
>The Grade-Equivalent score compares your child’s performance on grade-level material against the average performance of students at other grade levels on that same material and is reported in terms of grade level and months. If your 5th-grade child obtains a grade-equivalent of 10.5 on a standardized math or reading test, it does not mean that your child is solving math problems or reading at the mid-10th grade level. It means that she or he can solve 5th grade math problems and read 5th grade material as well as the average 10th grade student can read and solve 5th grade math problems. Your child is performing much better than the average 5th grader but most likely would not perform as well if tested using 10th grade material as they have not yet been exposed to 10th grade material. Caution should always be used when interpreting grade equivalents, especially when attempting to use grade equivalents as the basis for a grade placement discussion.
So don't feel bad about where you are now versus where you thought you were back then.
What can you do to keep from falling behind?
https://childmind.org/article/twice-exceptional-kids-both-gifted-and-challenged/
https://www.davidsongifted.org/Search-Database/topic/105297/entryType/2
This site has some useful links; some of which are aimed at younger children, but if you have never learned to study there might still be useful information there.
I also recommend ”How to Become a Straight-A Student: The Unconventional Strategies Real College Students Use to Score High While Studying Less”
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0767922719/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_I6bzDbZZXP07R
A lot of studying comes down to being organized, efficient, knowing when and where to get help. Remember that forming new habits takes time and you have to remain persistent.
If you have a friend, teacher, or parent who is willing to help, it can be useful to be accountable to another person. Have a once a week check-in on what you have done in the last week and what you need to do in the following week.
I'm sure people in this group could come up with a book full of thoughts on this topic, but hopefully, this gives you some things to think about.
How to Become a Straight-A Student
This was animated by Richard Williams Studio, the animation team behind Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The channel that uploaded this video has a wealth of animated content related to Richard Williams, the man who literally wrote the book on animation, well worth a look.
the animation field is very very competitive. and little by little, jobs are being cut out from the field. if you go for animation, you better have passion. without it, you may as well have no chance...
i wanted to be an animator ever since i was a kid, i love cartoons. animation is a wonderful medium.
Do you know who Richard Williams is? I hope you do. In his book, The Animator's Survival Kit, He talks about his journey into the world of animation. please read that section which is located in the very first pages of the book.
i watched your video SidMonqay, and i will tell you to forget about animating right now. No, i don't mean lose the passion to animate. What i mean is forget about the technical part, which is animation. First, learn how to draw. No, i don't mean learn how to draw cartoons, i mean really REALLY learn how to draw. Study classical drawing and painting...trust me...if you focus on this you will be able to draw ANYTHING:cartoons, anime, illustration, comics, etc. because this is the HARDEST and most DIFFICULT art there is. (Jason Manley from ConceptArt.org https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh37Mtex67w) you don't have to 'master' it, but learn from it. once you know you are ready, you are ready for animation.
I am 22, and studying classical drawing at a studio in Chicago under a very great and talented artist who i call my mentor. he has connections to some of the biggest studios of animation out there, and knows A LOT of well known artists. He teaches classical drawing and painting but also works as a storyboard artists and is grateful to make a living as an artist. He told me he has plans to grow the studio into a small 'academy' where he and other artists will teach classical/digital/animation. I am so happy i found this place. it beats all the art colleges i have gone to.
I now go to the studio and study mechanical design technology at a community college(as a back up, if animation doesn't work out..)
I will introduce you to Bargue drawings(intro to classical training)
http://ricardopontes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/34_plate_I_7_the_foot_of_the_gladiator.jpg
This book my mentor suggested me to read, which i did "Lessons in Classical Drawing: Essential Techniques from Inside the Atelier"
http://www.amazon.com/Lessons-Classical-Drawing-Essential-Techniques/dp/082300659X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1409106710&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=classical+atelier
This artist who has great drawing/painting demos DVDs which i learned a lot from (Robert Liberace)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyC4sxFrr9w
An animation news website
http://www.cartoonbrew.com/
Calarts which is the best school(they say) for character animation
http://calarts.edu/
(but listen, you DO NOT need a degree for animation. you DO need a kick ass portfolio. and i mean it. kick ass...you get the job and recognition from your portfolio and skills, not the piece of paper.
I myself am not getting a degree in art or animation.)
here is my tumblr. i post my art there.
http://cigaretteclub.tumblr.com/
if anything SidMonqay, try art at a community college. it's cheaper than larger institutions. be careful of for-profit institutions and people that just want your money. that is where i messed up, and i lost all hope, until i found this studio. I highly recommend you go and find a studio or atelier and study drawing and painting there. there are also art workshops every year for illustration/animation/drawing/painting you can find each year around the U.S! like this one http://www.artconnectionacademy.com/SaturdayLectures.aspx
but, choose your own path! any questions, feel free to ask
[edit] of course! Richard Williams book on animation! http://www.amazon.com/The-Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles/dp/086547897X
this is the quintessential text for any animator.
Start with Eric Goldberg's book "Character Animation Crash Course!"
http://www.amazon.com/Character-Animation-Crash-Course-Goldberg/dp/1879505975
It reads a lot less like the stereo instructions that is Richard Williams's "Animator's Survival Kit" providing for a much more accessible and lighter introduction to animation. If, after you've read through it, you find that animation is still for you then absolutely 110% get Richard Williams's book.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086547897X/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=0MV2H6MZNC3HHHH1ED43
Another must have is "The Illusion of Life".
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0786860707/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&amp;refRID=1S91BNCH9AFXPJQCA1HH
Always keep in mind that the word animate means "to give life to." You are bringing a character to life be it a drawing or a 3D model. Before even touching paper and pencil (because you thoroughly plan your scene out that way first before touching the mouse ;-) ask yourself "what is the character thinking?" Get inside that character's head. Sketch out exploratory poses. They don't have to be gorgeously rendered drawings. They are your visual notes and can even be stick figures just so long as you can read them. Get away from your desk and physically act out what your character has to do or hit up YouTube for research. Shoot reference with your smartphone (use an app like ProCamera which lets you shoot at 24fps) and analyze how long it takes you to perform an action. Don't sweat the software just yet. That's the technical stuff that comes later. Animators are actors and it's important to understand acting first. That being said, this book is great for learning Maya.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0415826594/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1453026213&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=how+to+cheat+in+maya+2015&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51IrWwVyubL&amp;ref=plSrch
This book combines learning to animate in Maya while simultaneously teaching the 12 principles of animation. The very best of luck to you in the beginning of your animation journey. Take your time and practice everyday. Think of animation as a muscle. You have to workout everyday for it to get stronger even if you only work on something for 15 minutes a day.
Awesome, keep at it and dont be afraid to try crazy movements.
I use this book nearly everytime I work on an traditional animated project, cant recomend it enough.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086547897X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1485615187&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp;keywords=animators+survival+kit&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51mu0NS88VL&amp;ref=plSrch
Spend at least 20 minutes a day doing "gestures." Websites like quickposes.com are incredible resources. You can't draw the human/animal form enough, even if 3D is where you'll work. Never ever miss a class and build a strong portfolio. Animation as an industry can be a meritocracy, so animate, draw everything all the time.
You can do this. Source: went to school for animation and have incredibly successful friends working as animators. (I, myself am an illustrator.)
Also, get yourself this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086547897X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1459295497&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=animation&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=513WsqEOM-L&amp;ref=plSrch
I hope I am not too late.
You can post this to /r/suicidewatch.
Here is my half-baked attempt at providing you with some answers.
First of all let's see, what is the problem? Money and women. This sounds rather stereotypical but it became a stereotype because a lot of people had this kind of problems. So if you are bad at money and at women, join the club, everybody sucks at this.
Now, there are a few strategies of coping with this. I can tell you what worked for me and perhaps that will help you too.
I guess if there is only one thing that I would change in your attitude that would improve anything is learning the fact that "there is more where that came from". This is really important in girl problems and in money problems.
When you are speaking with a girl, I noticed that early on, men tend to start being very submissive and immature in a way. They start to offer her all the decision power because they are afraid not to lose her. This is a somehow normal response but it affects the relationship negatively. She sees you as lacking power and confidence and she shall grow cold. So here lies the strange balance between good and bad: you have to be powerful but also warm and magnanimous. You can only do this by experimenting without fearing the results of your actions. Even if the worst comes to happen, and she breaks up with you .... you'll always get a better option. There are 3.5 billion ladies on the planet. The statistics are skewed in your favor.
Now for the money issue. Again, there is more where that came from. The money, are a relatively recent invention. Our society is built upon them but we survived for 3 million years without them. The thing you need to learn is that your survival isn't directly related to money. You can always get food, shelter and a lot of other stuff for free. You won't live the good life, but you won't die. So why the anxiety then?
Question: It seems to me you are talking out of your ass. How do I put into practice this in order to get a girlfriend?
Answer: Talk to people. Male and female. Make the following your goals:
Talk to 1 girl each day for one month.
Meet a few friends each 3 days.
Make a new friend each two weeks.
Post your romantic encounters in /r/seduction.
This activities will add up after some time and you will have enough social skill to attract a female. You will understand what your female friend is thinking. Don't feel too bad if it doesn't work out.
Question: The above doesn't give a lot of practical advice on getting money. I want more of that. How do I get it?
Answer: To give you money people need to care about you. People only care about you when you care about them. This is why you need to do the following:
Start solving hard problems.
Start helping people.
Problems aren't only school problems. They refer to anything: start learning a new difficult subject (for example start learning physics or start playing an instrument or start writing a novel). Take up a really difficult project that is just above the verge of what you think you are able to do. Helping people is something more difficult and personal. You can work for charity, help your family members around the house and other similar.
Question: I don't understand. I have problems and you are asking me to work for charity, donate money? How can giving money solve anything?
Answer: If you don't give, how can you receive? Helping others is instilling a sense of purpose in a very strange way. You become superior to others by helping them in a dispassionate way.
Question: I feel like I am going to cry, you are making fun of me!
Answer: Not entirely untrue. But this is not the problem. The problem is that you are taking yourself too serious. We all are, and I have similar problems. The true mark of a person of genius is to laugh at himself. Cultivate your sense of humor in any manner you can.
Question: What does it matter then if I choose to kill myself?
Answer: There is this really good anecdote about Thales of Miletus (search wiki). He was preaching that there is no difference between life and death. His friends asked him: If there is no difference, why don't you kill yourself. At this, he instantly answered: I don't kill myself because there is no difference.
Question: Even if I would like to change and do the things you want me to do, human nature is faulty. It is certain that I would have relapses. How do I snap out of it?
Answer: There are five habits that you should instill that will keep bad emotions away. Either of this habits has its own benefits and drawbacks:
Question: Your post seems somewhat interesting but more in an intriguing kind of way. I would like to know more.
Answer: There are a few good books on these subjects. I don't expect you to read all of them, but consider them at least.
For general mental change over I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1400078393/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324795853&amp;sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Generous-Man-Helping-Others-Sexiest/dp/1560257288
For girl issues I recommend the following book. This will open up a whole bag of worms and you will have an entire literature to pick from. This is not going to be easy. Remember though, difficult is good for you.
http://www.amazon.com/GAME-UNDERCOVER-SOCIETY-PICK-UP-ARTISTS/dp/1841957518/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324795664&amp;sr=8-1 (lately it is popular to dish this book for a number of reasons. Read it and decide for yourself. There is a lot of truth in it)
Regarding money problem, the first thing is to learn to solve problems. The following is the best in my opinion
http://www.amazon.com/How-Solve-Mathematical-Princeton-Science/dp/069111966X
The second thing about money is to understand why our culture seems wrong and you don't seem to have enough. This will make you a bit more comfortable when you don't have money.
http://www.amazon.com/Story-B-Daniel-Quinn/dp/0553379011/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324795746&amp;sr=8-3 (this one has a prequel called Ishmael. which people usually like better. This one is more to my liking.)
For mental contemplation there are two recommendations:
http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html . This one is for meditation purposes.
http://www.amazon.com/Way-Pilgrim-Continues-His/dp/0060630175 . This one is if you want to learn how to pray. I am an orthodox Christian and this is what worked for me. I cannot recommend things I didn't try.
For exercising I found bodyweight exercising to be one of the best for me. I will recommend only from this area. Of course, you can take up weights or whatever.
http://www.amazon.com/Convict-Conditioning-Weakness-Survival-Strength/dp/0938045768/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324795875&amp;sr=8-1 (this is what I use and I am rather happy with it. A lot of people recommend this one instead: http://www.rosstraining.com/nevergymless.html )
Regarding friends, the following is the best bang for your bucks:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1324796461&amp;sr=8-1 (again, lots of criticism, but lots of praise too)
The rest of the points are addressed in the above books. I haven't given any book on financial advices. Once you know how to solve problems and use google and try to help people money will start coming, don't worry.
I hope this post helps you, even though it is a bit long and cynical.
Merry Christmas!
the biggest convo thing I got from the Game was conversational hooks- things in a conversation that you can hook on to to branch out on.
If someone tells you "I just got back from studying in Australia" you've got 2 main hooks: study and Australia and from there you can get what'd you study? Why Australia to study? What's Australia like? How'd you ever get the courage to pick up and leave? Did you learn to surf? How'd you like vegemite? Some of those were closed ended questions but from them you might be able to get more hooks.
Also check out How To Win Friends and Influence People Lots of good tips for maintaining conversations. At the very least it made me less of an abrasive dick. Also you'll find getting hooks easier if you can find a common interest and then just ask them questions you want to know on the subject or use your knowledge on the subject to ask questions.
After reading through some of your comment history, I find myself thinking that one of your main obstacles is one I've encountered myself as well: While you may indeed have a high IQ, that does not necessarily equate to high intelligence across the intelligence spectrum. Please don't take this the wrong way, but while you seem to be very aware of your own skills and the areas in which you excel, you do not appear similarly apt at identifying the areas where you are not the top honcho. And more than anything, you need to try framing your arguments, your humor, and your writing within other people's frame of reference.
In general, people have an easier time identifying with and understanding any argument that is framed in a way they are familiar with, and ideally in a way they would also frame it. From your posts, I see that you are a fan of both grandiose words and active debate, but both of those things are something many people shy away from. Being able to identify with an audience is the reason why Eddie Murphy is considered hilarious rather than disgusting when he conveys how when someone says "aw man, someone farted and that does not smell good", people "always" take a deep breath through their nose even though they know it will (literally) smell like shit.
If you wish to write comedy and posts that more people identify with, there are two things I would personally reccommend:
But hey, what do I know -- I'm just some guy on the internet.
I'm almost done ranting now, but before that, I'd really like to press that being social, understandable and accommodating in your presentation is really fucking difficult, and more often than not, I find it the norm that people find this difficult. And when I say people, I mean everyone. Making an effort to systematically learn to encounter people, both socially and in seeking debate, does not make you stupid or slow, it only goes to show that you're aware that it's not easy, and some times a lot of effort needs to go in to making something you want work.
Edit: If what I said made any sense to you, you should seriously consider reading this book. It's been a lot of help to a lot of people, and besides that, it's just really good.
Forget technical skills. You can easily enough learn technical skills on the job. Learn some people skills
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344437047&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-10th-Anniversary-Matter/dp/055380491X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1344437033&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=emotional+intelligence
This guy
Here are some of my favorites, classics and modern:
The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson. We know we need to eat right, exercise, work hard, etc., but why don't we? The Slight Edge is a great look at the way we go about setting our habits, living in a hyper-paced world that expects/demands immediate results. It's quick, and powerful.
How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. A classic, but well-deserving, and has stood the test of time. Become accepting of people by improving your self and your interpersonal interactions. True story, bro.
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey. From dependence, to independence, to interdependence!
True North, by Bill George. More a leadership development book, but good to look at in terms of the timeline of developing yourself in life before you're 50 and are disappointed at yourself. Very good, not as great as my first three recommendations, but I got some good lessons out of it.
Godspeed, autodidact.
I would start by reading. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1439167346/ref=redir_mdp_mobile
It sounds like this is more about her voice not getting heard than anything else. You and your partner and meta might need to sit down and learn to listen.
I recommend this book. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1474335561&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen
How old is your child? Can you think of specific situations you have struggled with?
First, full disclosure. I'm not a parent, but I am wrestling with this myself while waiting to adopt an infant. I am also acting as a pseudo secondary mother to my teenage sister who is still under the thumb of our nmom. The work for the former, in conjunction with facing issues with nmom head on, has resulted in a huge difference with my sister. I used to perpetuate my mom's abuses, but since then an increase in empathy, patience and respect for autonomy has made all the difference. Situationally it looks different with younger kids, but it comes from the same place.
YMMV of course, but thus far our philosophy can be boiled down to a few core elements:
Of my giant stack of books, I'd recommend:
If you're a busy parent who doesn't have time to read, I highly recommend this Siegel playlist about attachment and this video about communication and boundaries. Those two will probably lead you down a pretty decent youtube rabbit hole.
Good luck!
I'd avoid being "right" or "wrong". Usually these blow ups are not triggered by the particular event but by what the child feels (rightly or wrongly) to be a pattern of irresponsibility.
If you can, see if you can get to the root of the issue. There's a very good book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
that outlines a lot of strategies to open communication channels between parents and children.
Getting good at drawing is like getting in shape: sadly there's no easy way to do it other than to be disciplined and work hard at it every day. Enroll in a figure drawing class. Ask friends to sit for you for 2/5/10/20 minute poses. Draw from life as much as possible, anywhere. Go to a cafe and do a big panoramic spread of the whole room. Go to an art store and buy a bunch of different drawing materials; don't just draw with pencil. Get some pens, force yourself to draw without an eraser. Look at the masters like Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Ingres or contemporary artists like Alex Katz and David Hockney. Look at what techniques they're using with their figures, what kind of lines, how do they render volume. Copy from them and steal from them. Pick a new artist every week and try out drawing like them. The most important thing: draw all the time, draw everything you see. You won't get better unless you do it all the time. If you keep it up for even six months, you'll notice a big change, and it will make jumping into animation much easier (you'll know how to do perspective, pose characters, rotates volumes in your head, etc).
Here are a couple of animation specific drawing books that you might find useful/inspiring: Drawn to Life http://www.amazon.com/Drawn-Life-Classes-Stanchfield-Lectures/dp/0240810961/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1449817164&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=drawn+from+life // The Animators Survival Kit (mostly an animation book, but opens with a great chapter about drawing) http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1449817420&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=animation+survival+kit
Read this! There are free PDFs available if you know where to look as well (I had no qualms against downloading; Dale Carnegie died in 1955). The title kind of makes it sound like a sleezy self help book, but it is actually excellent and extremely useful. His number one step for "Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking" is the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Numbers eight and nine? Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. and Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Make friends first, then find a girl.
> TL;DR: I'm 22 and have only had one relationship. How do I meet new girls to date? Specifically, how do I approach them in a bar/club and during the day?
A couple of thoughts to help you out:
First, remind yourself of this "Guys are just really ugly girls." (It's a metaphor OK, don't go too far with it) and ask yourself if you're comfortable talking to strange (to you) males? If the answer is "no," then you need to work on the basics of conversing with others. So, start with the basics:
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes
How to Instantly Connect with Anyone by Leil Lowndes
How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends by Don Gabor
If you've got basic "conversation / small-talk with strangers" nailed, then there is a fair amount of good material out there on how to start conversations with girls; and how to interact with them in a positive way. See:
The big honking list of openers put out by TSB and the books The Game, The Mystery Method, and/or The Pickup Artist.
Robert Greene's The Art of Seduction is a valuable read as well.
FWIW, I think you'll get more useful answers to a question like this on /r/seduction. /r/relationship_advice seems geared more towards managing an existing relationship, whereas /r/seduction is heavily focused on the "initiation phase." There is a TON of material out there on how to overcome anxiety about approaching women, TONS of stuff on how to be a better conversationalist, stuff on how to amp her attraction for you, etc., etc.
Two links that might be of use to you:
New to Seddit?
Fast Seduction.com "You Are New"
Good luck!
I believe you're starting off on the wrong foot. He could read a self help book. He could read a million, won't do him any good till he takes action. If he truly is depressed, unmotivated, etc, then he needs to start changing his life starting with himself. Start eating healthy. Start working out, at the very least running, get blood flowing through the whole body, get the mind working. Have him kick start a hobby of his that he loves. Clean your home, your life, the clutter.
Everyone in this life is always looking for the key, for that "something" that will make that click and have everything become the way they want it to be. Most don't realize that that "key" is as simple and yet as difficult as an entire shift in a mentality, which in my opinion can be started with what I stated above. And most importantly, you can't do it for him. All you can do is support, but only he can do it for himself.
Oh, and if you really want some book, a lot of us here recommend this: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/1439167346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1373087727&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=how+to+make+friends+and+influence+people. Seems appropriate for what you're asking for. Good luck.
Oh hon, I feel you. This gets me because I felt the same way. I still do. I have a 19 month old toddler.
Start here: Parenting from the Inside Out.
This book will really help you decipher your family, and really give you hope and tools for not reproducing their problems onto your little beauty of a tiny awesome person.
It's pretty straightforward and incredibly useful.
Then read this and this. Yes read them while you're pregnant because again they will give you hope and insight.
Buy this book and start reading it now too. We call it the Baby Bible in our house.
It's a survival manual for the first year of their life. It has everything. I don't know how many times we've pulled it down and flipped to the index at 2:00 am. It's better than Google. It's fantastic. (That said, it has an angle like all parenting books, even though it tries not to. They are attachment parenting writers. Nothing wrong with attachment parenting per se, just an awareness all parenting books have angles, even the impartial ones.)
Also, if you're anything like me, avoid all the happy, glowing, blowing-stardust-and-glitter-up-your-ass, pregnancy books out there. These did nothing but enrage me. I'm talking about What to Expect and similar. Unless you like stardust and bullshit, avoid avoid avoid.
Basically if you go to a thrift store and there's 8 copies of the damn pregnancy or parenting book on the shelf, don't buy it.
Instead check out books like this and this and this.
Now I haven't read those exact books, unlike all my other recommendations above, all of which I've personally read as a scared, overwhelmed pregnant lady or new mom. But as long as you stay in the 'brutally honest' lane and away from the 'syrupy sweet, guilt laden, shame' lane, then you'll be fine.
Even in 2019 there's a mountain of mommy advice bullshit books out there. Keep your instincts and your wits about you, don't forget who you are. Stay strong. And work on yourself with books like Parenting from the Inside Out and the How to Talk books.
A Good Easy Read To Start With There's a teen version too.
You're still a long way off from teen years. Don't worry. 7 years old is normal to develop a crush but at that age a crush just means someone you think is a cute and funny. When she's along the lines of 10-12 is when most girls start having "boyfriends" but even then it'll be something that lasts a week at most. Don't bog her down with a lot of love advice right now. The best thing you can do is just listen. If she has a question, answer it, but don't give unsolicited advice because you will probably be wasting your breath. If you feel like you NEED to give advice one thing you can say is, "Would you like to know what I would do if I were in this situation?" and she'll probably say yes and want to hear it.
Definitely give her some books about her body's changes and how to say no and all that. Amazon has a lot of good ones. There was one by American Girl called The Care and Keeping of You which gives age appropriate advice on puberty and hygiene. Girl's Life magazine is GREAT for young girls. It gives age appropriate advice, has a lot of learning content, and a lot of articles about puberty. Having "the talk" just once is not enough. It's a series of conversations. And having books and magazines to refer to over time is so helpful. You don't want her googling to find out those things or asking her friends.
Don't spy on her, ever. The one time she catches you doing it, she will pretty much never trust you again. Also, unless she very seriously does something to break your trust, do not do things which would invade her privacy without her consent. Stuff like going through her phone or taking her bedroom door away. That's stuff you should only do if you think she might be a danger to herself and others and you have to do a serious intervention. Girls take their private space very seriously. If you raise her right and make her feel safe, she will come to you before you ever have to go to her. I promise.
No, he's not a chef. He's the author of 4 Hour Body and 4 Hour Workweek.
But still, I wouldn't eat those eggs, either.
I'm still pretty new to reading regularly but I really liked The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss
Before I started my own business I traveled for work constantly. I would leave from my home, ORD, and travel to the client site. From there I would travel to my domestic US vacation spot. At that point the company had paid for all flights and lodging. They pay to get me from home -> client site and client site -> leisure travel destination. I would pay for a way to get home and pay for lodging while there. Normally I would use airline or hotel points from previous stays for both of these things. Company didn't care as long as the flight from client site -> fun spot was about comparable in price to flight client site -> home.
If you want a whole system that explains this stuff, get Tim Ferriss' book The Four Hour Work Week. It has a huge focus on leisure travel and making it work.
>I feel like setting any boundaries for her makes me controlling.
This is an absolutist view that is just going to get in the way of your being able to set healthy boundaries in the future: I admit that I haven't read this book myself yet, but I see it recommended a lot, so maybe try it: Boundaries
It sounds like you're also having some anxiety about your significance, and could do with some reassurance from her.
She originally put the work in to stop partying and taking drugs once she knew it was a condition of dating you, which would of course have made you feel valuable, but now she's stopped. & now you've just mentioned that you feel like you're subtracting fun from her life if you reiterate that the drugs boundary is important to you. Sounds a bit like you're worried you're not exciting enough on your own.
Basically try and learn about boundary-setting so you can be self-aware about it, but you probably need to sit and have a talk with her.
I completely agree with whoever in this thread said that her choices are her choices: I completely understand why you're concerned about her not applying herself to studying to be a surgeon, you want the best for her, etc, but that really is her problem and not yours. The drug-taking as a personal value of yours should be the only topic when you talk to her.
> I get phone calls SPECIFICALLY for preaching...no I'm serious 30-45 minute calls with my mom and dad passing the phone back and forth to tell me Bible scripture and how I'm a bad person,
Ok, I'm going to change my assessment from 'toxic' to flat out crazy, based on this. This is disrespectful and not the way one human being treats another, I don't care who the participants are. You have been wise to distance yourself geographically, now set those boundaries. You might want to write them a long letter telling them how you feel, and what you will not be putting up with anymore from this moment forward. That kind of stuff would include the preaching/ranting, and trying to make you feel bad about anything (especially not being pregnant yet). This kind of stuff is waaaaay over the line. I recommend this book by a Christian psychologist to help you figure out how to deal with them going forward.
> something about my E-mom makes me feel literally sick, like nauseous to my stomach.
There is a reason why our Gut is known as our second brain. Listen to your gut, it will never lie to you. There's a reason why you feel "sick to your stomach".
> maybe she is a covert N, the self-martyring type of N, who gets the N-supply through self-martyrdom
Your birth giver sounds like a covert N. it sounds like she uses the guise of "helping" to exert control and power over you. Also, I agree, it is a form of N-supply. N's need their egos fed and the best way is to get someone indebted to them or someone singing their praises.
> if she has ever agreed to do something with me, she will drop me like a hot potato the second literally anyone else comes and wants her attention.
because you aren't a person to your birth giver. you are an object she takes out to manipulate and play with. Have you ever seen a toddler play? the moment something better comes along, that toy is immediately dropped and discarded. that toy is you. It's a horrible reality, but N's are horrible people.
> She also walks into my room in the mornings, and wakes me up whenever she wants, like if I am sleeping in late, which is something I was only doing because it was the holidays. She will just knock and then open the door, she has no respect for my boundaries AT ALL.
I would suggest reading books about healthy boundaries and how to firmly establish them. If you want to take it a step furthur, I would suggest speaking to a competent mental health professional.
Please check out the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. Fantastic book for understanding relationships between family members, regardless of the circumstances.
I'd heartily recommend reading Taking Charge of your Fertility if you haven't already, it will answer SO many questions.
You should read the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, by Toni Weschler. http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1398102119&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=taking+charge+of+your+fertility It will answer all of your questions about periods and pregnancy.
The chances of getting pregnant on the last day of your period are low, but it's hard to tell when the last day is, because you often continue bleeding after the last day of uterine shedding. You should really just always use a condom, and get on birth control pills if possible.
Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a really wonderful resource if you haven't read it already.
Aw, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that :(
It's weird that some people react just fine to hormonal methods, while the rest of us suffer tremendously.
I found that spermicide + cycle-tracking was pretty effective for me, but not all women are able to successfully use that method. This book was my bible for a couple years.
i agree with many of your thoughts
the idea that happiness/success is the "unintended side effect" of pursuit has stuck with me ever since i read it
i think your definition of happiness is more correct as a definition as pleasure, and interestingly, if you look at the neurotransmitters involved (seratonin for happiness, dopamine for pleasure) it seems to fit this distinction
This is a good image to explain what I'm trying to talk about
Another thing to add to your readings, if you haven't come across it yet, is Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
I've been reading books on productivity for a long time, after reading about the concept of "flow" for the (seemingly) millionth time I went ahead and bought the book. I'm about 100 pages in (started it three days ago) and it's rapidly changing the way I look at life and work. Every situation is different, but on the long journey to FI it's 100% worth looking at a change now to make the rest of the journey more enjoyable. A lot of people on this sub will express a similar sentiment as the previous sentence, "Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience" seems to flesh out the nuts and bolts of how we'd go about doing that.
"Anyone have some cheese to go with this whine??"
No cheese necessary, the daily thread is a perfect place to vent :D
Children have nothing to do with the meaning of life.
I suggest you read this book and make the commitment to start working on yourself. In the end you are the only person who can do anything about your situation.
Read this book if you want to know more about it! https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
Not sure why this hasn't been mentioned yet: if you are unhappy and bored at work, being FI might also prove a challenge. Financial independence in itself will probably not be fulfilling. You'll need to create your own meaning now.
Use this as an opportunity to figure out what you care about and explore your passions. Knowing this will prepare you for FI and life in general :)
I'd highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
It's a book by Chris Ryan that goes into the science and psychology of sex.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813
No if we are looking at the long term, these kinds of values come into play when property ownership is relevant. When wealth comes from how much you own people want to make sure that their genetics are the ones that benefit. Since it is easy to determine the birth mother controlling women's sexual agency in terms of religion and morality in order to ensure the correct lineage. Pre-agrarian (and even some more communial agrarian) societies didn't have these concerns, so sexuality was not policed in the same way. Children were seen as adding to the whole family, which was basically the community at large.
Men could have all the sex for pleasure they wanted because it was less relevant to the economic situations. Courtisans and harems existed for men at the very top of the food chain and were completely acceptable by everyone in the court system.
I hate to say this but there has been a ton of research on this, including basic histories of certain cultures that says the exact opposite of what you are saying. How we view sex, marriage and family has changed drastically depending on the time and culture you exist in.
Marriage: A History is a very readable overview of how the institution has changed over time: http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-History-How-Love-Conquered-ebook/dp/B002I1XRZY/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1
And I have heard very good things about Sex at Dawn, which talk about a lot of the arguments you are making: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813
Depends what kind of relationship you have and what you're into, but here are some of my favourites:
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
Good luck!
To sound like a bot - I really suggest you all read the BASIC FAQ and INTRO stuff at www.morethantwo.com
And if you're into books, some options include:
That's a really good one. I also read How to talk to anyone which is along the same lines.
The book that started my FA awareness and journey of self improvement was No more mr nice guy
If you say hi to a woman on the street and she says "fuck off," then she's a jerk. If you say hi to a lot of women and they all give you the cold shoulder, it's possible you are being creepier than you intend. There are subtle body cues to tell if a person is interested in talking to you. If a woman has her head stuck in a newspaper or cell phone, or if she's walking forward very intently, then she's not interested. Don't even bother saying hello. If she's sitting down and her feet are pointed in your direction and she smiles at you, then maybe go for it. Some men would get rejected a lot less often if they only hit on women they had a chance with.
This book changed my life, although it is a bit gender essentialist. I would recommend it if you believe you have trouble interacting with people.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723
The problem with these things is the cherry-picking and hindsight used as (after-the-fact) applications of the knowledge.
I suggest Alan Pease's body language book. It's a great read and doesn't feel like it's trying to impose anything on you.
(Never read nor watch anything that has to do with NLP, FWIW.)
Alter your body language. The Definitive Guide to Body Language does a very good job of pointing out the body language that we all use in different situations; try to consciously choose body language that doesn't match the situation you're in.
A simple but fun experiment would be to stand closer than cultural norms allow and see if you can get a "waltz" going like the author talks about when Japanese folks have standing conversations with Americans.
I wanted to make a big reply at the bottom, but I think this thread will be grazed over in the next few days. However, I wanted to make it a point to reply to you, because I've been through what you've been through and to let you know that this stuff does work. Not because it's some "method," but rather it's changing how you perceive situations and how you walk into them.
Don't think of it as "Don't give a fuck" and "don't do anything" because that's not it at all. It's purely walk into every situation with zero expectations and you just being yourself. I've never been a guy that approaches women at a bar or in a social setting. Why? Because it's contrived, obvious, and I am not some stud that oozes confidence. It's really about being comfortable in the setting you are in, then being comfortable with yourself (yes, the rising anxiety OP describes is always bubbling up, right?), but you eventually get over the hump. After that, just continue doing what your doing and have situational awareness. At that point, I still won't approach a woman. Why? Because before I left my apartment, I had no intention and zero expectations of meeting anyone. I kind of strike that up to years and years of going out with that "pick up" mentality or the expectation that I'm going to meet some beautiful women that night. It never really happened, so it is quite easy for me now to go out with zero expectations of anything. Hell, I might not even have fun with my friends that night, or really suck at pinball, or the concert might suck, etc. Or all of that could be the opposite. The point I'm making is having zero expectations, but bringing a positive mindset. You are going out to "make yourself happy first" and everything is secondary.
That's the aura of confidence you are talking in your comment. If you're comfortable in your own skin and are moderately sociable, it's really easy to talk to people (men & women) and you look approachable yourself. This energy kind of carries over into the place you are in because you are just doing your own thing. You don't have an agenda. Don't have an agenda. Women sense that. And so do dudes! Have you ever been hanging out with your friends, and some weird guy interjects into your circle and throws the dynamic off? Women do that as well. On the flip side, the opposite is true. Some cool guy or girl simply makes conversation and it feels natural. There are a lot of things going on when that happens, but the ultimately, the vibrations they are putting out are non-threatening. Humans can sense that.
For me, this is how I approach dates as well. Zero expectations. I'm meeting a woman to have good conversation, have some drinks, hang out, and have fun. I want to have fun and I want them to have fun too. No agenda, no expectations besides having fun. Of course the nervous jitters are there and everything else, but all that will go away if you keep carrying on a conversation and getting to know them. Get out of that mental feedback loop of self-doubt and "Does she like me?" Who cares? Let your personality shine through, be respectful, be playful, and hang out. Everything else will unfold and if you dig each other, then that's date #2 if you want. Rinse and repeat. Next date, same thing. Naturally, your emotions and feelings will come out if you think there's chemistry. No need to think so much.
I struggled (still do) with anxiety, self-esteem, and all that, but things have gotten a lot better. I think it really comes down to accepting yourself, getting rid of that ego, and continually trying to improve yourself as well (career, health, exercise, dress). Those are the slow changes that are hard to observe, but like anything else you are putting effort into, you aren't really noticing them on a day-to-day basis, but one day you will. This stuff will all just start to click if you practice and put effort into it.
Sorry I rambled so much. I was going to add some more stuff, but those are just my thoughts. OP has a point though. We are thinking way too much about this and it cripples us mentally. No expectations, man. You do you. Enjoy the moment. Just be.
Read - Alan Watts: The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are.
For me, meditating on no-thought daily. Reading into zen philosophy, and incorporating it into my life. I absolutely adore Alan Watts, and he's a great place to start - I'd recommend The Book if you want to jump in the deep end, or The Wisdom of Insecurity if you want to start more shallow.
Once you re-orient your life-philosophy (dorky as that sentence sounds) to focus on the now and the recognition that reality goes far beyond the labels we apply to it, the daily maintenance is rather easy. I meditate to clear my mind and re-orient myself, contemplate, and listen to what my body needs - not every person that follows zen does this, but I do, and for me, it's the healthiest, best thing I could possibly do.
The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0679723005/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_EP72BbQXEY47W
PS: here some pointers –not to be taken for the Moon..
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Alan Watts' The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are
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Alan Watts' The Wisdom Of Insecurity
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Alan Watts' Become What You Are
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Charles Tart's Waking Up
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There are zillions of bibliographies and references on the sub for healing from dysfunctional upbringings and other situations of systematic abuse: r/CPTSD
Search such authors in there for instance, and feel free to follow posts and comments speaking about this reprogramming and many other areas of the 'recovery' work; you may start by detecting, dissecting and unraveling the Consensus Trance.
For a first introduction, another book I can think of is Wayne Dyer's 'Your Erroneous Zones', which you'll find referenced over there too. Enjoy!
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The Middle Way lecture changed my life.
Have you read: The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are
For those not familiar with Watts check out the two quick clips the South Park guys made :P
To wake up from that dream is to wake up as a person. To use your consciousness and presence to realize there is no such thing as yourself or even the world you see, that it too is only a dream, that there is only one thing, the universe/God/Brahma. To wake up to that reality is to wake up as God/Brahma.
So goes this line of spiritual thinking, which Eckhart no doubt follows too. Alan Watts spells it out quite nicely in The Book. And David Lynch seems to be a fan of it too based on some of his Log Lady Intros:
>I am filled with questions. Sometimes my questions are answered. In my heart, I can tell the answer is correct. I am my own judge. In a dream, are all the characters really you? Different aspects of you? Do answers come in dreams?
>There are clues everywhere, all around us. But the puzzle maker is clever. The clues, although surrounding us, are somehow mistaken for something else. And the something else, the wrong interpretation of the clues, we call our world. Our world is a magical smoke screen.
So in short, most people live in a dream inside a dream. They live trapped in the dream that they are the role that they fulfill as dictated by society. With effort they can awaken from that dream and become their full self, but to live as a self is still to live inside a dream, trapped in the dream that you are a individual self disconnected from the universe. With even more effort you can awaken from that dream to your true self as the universe.
If you haven't come across these yet, check out The Book and his audio lectures on amazon. I also have an e-copy if anyone needs it.
The psychopath will try to manipulate the INTJ like they do everyone else. The INTJ will be too self-absorbed and/or uninterested, and brush aside the psychopath with a lot of "no's" and "that's nice" (LOL). The psychopath will get angry and frustrated. The INTJ at this point will still not know they're dealing with a psychopath. They just think this person is perhaps a little strange.
If the INTJ is lucky it will end there. These psychopath "things" are unbelievable. Horrific. They are like viruses or alien beings. If the INTJ is unlucky (if they are in a vulnerable position, are weak, or insecure) the psychopath will devastate their lives. A lot of people who are psychopath victims will suffer lasting psychological trauma and deteriorate physically. They are so good at mimicking humans it can take years to detect one.
Here are some books I recommend from best to least best (they are all good):
https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467947734&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=martha+stout
https://www.amazon.com/Without-Conscience-Disturbing-World-Psychopaths/dp/1572304510/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467947736&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=psychopath+hare
https://www.amazon.com/Mask-Sanity-So-Called-Psychopathic-Personality/dp/1614277826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1467947784&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=mask+of+sanity+cleckley
Yeps. Staying single is going to be the best option. Try to find happiness inside yourself. It helps you a lot through life.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that to get to that point. There's a psychopath.free website in case you're interested. I'm really, really sorry.
I hope at least you are cleared of the infection now and physically healthy. It's a good idea to build yourself up first. But, as a part of the build-up, I recommend you to read this:
Website (wonderful):
https://www.psychopathfree.com/
Books:
https://www.amazon.es/Psychopath-Free-Emotionally-Relationships-Narcissists/dp/0425279995/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=581FVXY7XHNKKZ253RSN
https://www.amazon.com/Without-Conscience-Disturbing-World-Psychopaths/dp/1572304510
https://www.amazon.es/Sociopath-Next-Door-Ruthless-versus/dp/0767915828/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=N54Z9CMYAWS29Z7Z85CB
https://www.amazon.es/Empathy-Trap-Understanding-Antisocial-Personalities/dp/1847092764/ref=pd_sim_14_3?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=N54Z9CMYAWS29Z7Z85CB
Sorry if I am meddling. I hope you get better, and I hope at least your body is OK now. I really wish you a good return to physical and emotional health. And yes, best thing you can do is learn to live on your own and be happy that way. Maybe when you get to that point someone worthy will appear but... don't count on it. Not everyone is worthy, not everyone is marriage-material, or even long term relationship material, so not everyone can get a married happy-ever after. BUT, everyone can get a happy-ever after if they focus on getting it without depending on other people's decisions.
Definitely red flags all over the place.
Read the book: the sociopath next door
https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=mp_s_a_1_1/140-5850095-7001116?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1541522199&amp;sr=1-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=the+sociopath+next+door&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51DK1joLPxL&amp;ref=plSrch
In it, the author says the #1 thing to look for is someone who wants you to pity them!!
Sounds like this guy has you sticking around out of pity! That’s dangerous. Plus, you are compliant to him: he is looking for that (whether consciously or unconsciously).
You said it back to him “I love you as much as I can right now”.
He knows he can set the pace and you will just follow along with it. That is also dangerous!
From reading your story, it sounds like all he has to do is tell you another sad story, and you’ll stick around to “rescue “ him and help him feel better.
I can’t say he is a sociopath, I’m just saying he sounds like bad news bears !
Be careful! Remember that he can say whatever he wants to say, and you can choose how you feel about him, .... don’t do anything out of pity or guilt for him, because a healthy relationship is never driven by these two emotions. Whether he is dangerous or not, you don’t want to base any relationship on these two emotions.
This doesn’t sound like a good relationship to me, whether or not he is dangerous. Also, you said he doesn’t seem to have many friends, and hasn’t dated in a While .... well, why is that? Sounds like he doesn’t know how to cultivate healthy relationships. Also sounds like he has a victim mentality which is sooooo unattractive. I wouldn’t stick around for whatever he is going to do next.
If you are looking for a line to get out, just say, “I wish you luck in your relationships and your future endeavors, but I’m no longer available to hang out. “
You don’t need to tell him why. You don’t owe him an explanation.
Edit: also, you said you feel something is off about this guy. Pay attention to your instincts! It sounds like something is off.
It seems like you are on the right track! You were able to create an environment where you mostly stopped this behavior until it was triggered again. Have confidence in yourself and what you have done to get to this point.
It sounds like visits are causing her trauma cup to overflow with pain. To reduce the level of trauma in the cup, she needs empathy and positive support. Try validating her feelings: "sometimes it can be hard to remember how things used to be; it's ok to miss your mom and be mad at her at the same time" etc...Giving her her wishes in fantasy can help sometimes: "I bet you wish you could stay in the backyard all night playing!" and then allow her to talk about what she would do before transitioning back inside. The classic book How to Talk so Kids will Listen has great advice for supporting children's emotional needs: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=asc_df_1451663889/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61194519294&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415
I've had some luck with playful engagement for snapping kids out of the "bad kid" role they sometimes learn to play in their attention starved homes. I'll act shocked and aghast and pretend to look all over the house for the "real" child's name. Or I'll pretend we are acting in a play and they are playing a role and then transition to the "scene" ending. TBRI has advice on this or read The Connected Child. https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/
First-then statements can help with predictability, trust, and felt-safety. "First we are going to clean up our toys, then we will go to the park etc..." If-then is also helpful for stating consequences when needed.
Reading her books at bedtime that explain the foster care process (she may have anxiety about returning home or suddenly being moved to a new family) and reassure her that you care about her no matter what. I absolutely love the book "Love you From Right Here." https://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Right-Here-Keepsake/dp/163296029X
Building in some sensory/regulation support proactively would probably be a good idea. Google sensory diet. You could also make a routine with a picture chart for her to help her sense of predictability. This is why playing outside likely calms her down. http://www.psychedconsult.com/uploads/5/5/2/7/5527771/9060909_orig.jpg The idea is that you do something every two hours like hopping on a hopper ball or carrying something heavy to help keep her brain and body calm.
Spending 5-15 minutes every single day no matter what to play with her one on one and use the PRIDE skills can cause remarkable change in just a few days. You can't ever take the time away though, no matter how poorly she behaves that day. http://www.impactparenting.com/storage/post-docs/PRIDE%20handout.pdf
Using time ins instead of time outs is a better practice whenever possible. Of course, as an adult, sometimes I am really the one that needs 30 seconds to get myself in a good place so I can be effective, so taking a quick time out first is sometimes needed for me. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/userfiles/Downloadable%20Handouts/COS_Time-In.pdf
I agree with the above she needs professional help right away. I also suggest you read “How to talk so kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk.” There is also a Teen version you may want to check out. Giving her a “homework time out” isn’t working nor will it ever work. Try working with her to solve problems instead of punishing her for them. ie “I like when the toilet is flushed. What can we do to help remember to flush the toilet?” Make a list with her (let her come up with the first idea. Write it down even if it’s outlandish. If she can’t think of anything then you say something outlandish/funny.) Once you have a list reason with her what the best one is for you both. The book goes into detail about this process.
So, when I had anxiety, I used The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook with my therapist. I also took zoloft. It took three years of doing this to feel functional and be able to stop all of that treatment.
That said, I still get surges of panic attacks (usually short in duration and a month between), especially when my life is extra stressful. For me, they're short, so I usually just have to talk to someone near me -- "I'm feeling anxious and I need to have a conversation with you." and it usually calms me down.
Have you considered talking to your former doctor about it?
I'm still on medication for depression throughout this pregnancy. It helps me function a lot more than the risks that could be associated with it.
Anyway, therapy, medication, or coping mechanisms (napping, relaxation techniques, exercise) would be my suggestion. Good luck. It's hard.
I suggest you work on addressing the anxiety and its causes. Here's a book I really like on that subject: http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook/dp/1572248912/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1320700502&amp;sr=8-1
Talking to a real therapist may help a lot as well.
I know I've fallen into a cycle at times where my anxieties and stress cause me to perform poorly at work or at school. That often leads to self-accusation and feelings of anger and frustration. It's important to remember that underneath it all, you are not a bad person, and you don't really want to fail (though it often feels easier than trying to succeed).
Meditation, relaxation techniques, regular exercise, and talking to someone trustworthy such as a therapist or close friend are probably the best treatments you can get for this kind of stuff outside of meds.
Were you working in a call center when this started? It could be that you have some type of phobia now involving phones. Like treefrog said, baby steps are really the key to getting over it. Do you have a friend or family member that you might be able to call maybe once a day? Just to try and help desensitize yourself to the fear?
Same thing for being out on your own, or in crowds. It might just take exposing yourself little by little to it. If you're up for a little reading, this is a book I recommend often, if you're interested, that goes into the step-by-steps of dealing with phobias. I'm not affiliated with them, but I found it to help me a lot when I was going through some bad times. I think it might help you out a lot too.
T長;D読
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My simple guide on how to meet a girl on Tinder.
> The purpose of this guide is to get her on the phone so when you plan the meetup she feels much more comfortable and is less likely to flake. I don't think this guide is anything special but it clearly shows that texting is not optimal for building a ton of comfort.
>
> Your biggest enemy on Tinder is our attention spans. I've talked to many attractive girls on Tinder but their attention spans are razor thin and can easily be swept away by someone else. I'm guilty of doing this to girls as well. Your second biggest enemy as a male is your neediness. Seeming too thirsty or too impatient can be an immediate rejection. I believe showing patience shows insane abundance mentality. So anyway here's how I go about it.
>
> 1. Talk to your match, have fun
> I usually complement something I like about them and joke around. After some banter ask a question or two to see what they're like.
> 2. Get her number So after you've messaged back and forth and she seems cool I'll usually drop this line which is true for me in my case. " Hey! Let's swap numbers, I don't turn on push notifications on Tinder. Text me @ 75X-XXX-3333 " So this is my first checkpoint to see if she's on Tinder for validation or looking to hang. It's a yes or no answer and if she texts you, she's investing and you're coming off with the "Buyer's mentality."
> 3. CALL HER This is the most Key part! After she texts you, you need to figure out what is a good time to call this girl? I usually go with afternoons and late evenings. If she asks you a question or the conversation is in a place where it's your turn to reply. I will not text her back till the evening when I'm ready to call her. If she replies within an hour. I just straight up call her. Even if they're busy and can't talk they will end up calling you back. If you moved too fast she might reschedule the talk and say we should talk later, just reply back quickly with just, "Ok" to show that you're not too worried about it. Whenever I've done that they usually call me to say goodnight.
>
> Calling her allows you to show your off your voice that you are a guy. You could text each other for 3 weeks and not know as much about each other as 2 hours on the phone. And you'll know before the meetup if you guys are going to click really well or not. Every single time I've done this they've always thanked me for calling them and every single time I've done this they were the ones asking me out at the end of the night. I think it's fucking cool to call someone straight up. I get that rush of adrenaline and my heart races every time I'm about to call a girl for the first time which makes this part of the process for me really fun. Hope this helps someone
> > /u/Gustav_Sirvah:
>>My problem with Tinder is that I get no matches at all... :|
> > > /u/Tttkkkkhhh:
>>>Location, pictures and culture can have a huge impact on matches.
>>>
>>>In Melbourne I got quite a few, in Japan less so, in Taiwan I'm swimming in matches.
>>>
>>>One girl in Taichung saw me at a night market, knew I would be on tinder so matched, met at a bar and chatted before I said "okay let's go". We jump on her scooter back to my hotel room.
> > > > /u/Gustav_Sirvah:
>>>>Heh... I wish have like that... :|
> > > > > /u/Tttkkkkhhh:
>>>>>You can. Anything is possible.
>>>>>
>>>>>If you saw the toothless, unfashionable, slob I used to be you'd be in awe. Everyone can change.
> > > > > > /u/Gustav_Sirvah:
>>>>>>I don't know how to make myself change. I know I should have no bad feelings and don't care about time and effort, but "just do". Why I'm thinking that I'm man of instant gratification? Why I can't be persistent in stuff that seems hard for me? I know I should do so many things to fix my life but I do nothing about that - feeling even worse. I know that I'm now complain. Heh, next thing to change. My whole life needs complete repair.
> > > > > > > /u/Tttkkkkhhh:
>>>>>>>Mine too mate. Most people are like us.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>Change is never one big step, it's a thousand little ones. One day you will realise how much you have changed.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>I recommend reading The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. This book helped me realise things that I could fix, especially in my thinking.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>You can message me anytime if you need help.
> > > > > > > > /u/Gustav_Sirvah:
>>>>>>>>I need to look it less legal way (money, you know). I read some books but they just make me more sure that there's too much stuff to fix in my life...
> > > > > > > > > /u/Tttkkkkhhh:
>>>>>>>>>大丈夫、二千円だけ
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^(Check out copy-kun on) ^github!
It sounds like your main problem with speaking is anxiety, as well as anger and frustration when you can't get your words out. If you talk to yourself in private, are you able to do so without problem? That's a strong sign that what you're experiencing is more anxiety-related than an actual deficit in your language skills. (For what it's worth, your post was clear and well-written.)
Social anxiety or anxiety around speaking is very treatable. Certain medications (mostly SSRI antidepressants) are helpful. There is also a psychotherapy technique called cognitive behavior therapy which is very effective. The cognitive part is when the therapist tries to help you change your thoughts from unhelpful ones ("They think I'm stupid.") to more helpful ones ("I'm just ordering a pizza. Who cares what they think?"). The behavior part is where you practice speaking to people even though it makes you anxious. This helps you get over your anxiety.
If you want to try CBT, you'd usually find a talk therapist, like a psychologist to walk you through it. However, you can learn and try many of the techniques on your own. Here's a webpage that gives a good overview. Here's a book which covers teaches you to apply CBT to yourself.
I use one for PTSD. This one would be an anxiety one, for example. Mobile, linking sucks. Basically just Google the thing you are struggling with + workbook and you'll get a lot of options.
Just like with a therapist, you should be choosy about the ones you use but I have had good luck with mine.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572248912/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_BPsXBbHVDC6Y5
Good for you man. Anxiety is no joke.
FWIW, I know someone who dealt with bad anxiety for years, and this book (and a WHOLE lot of therapy) helped them tremendously.
https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912
Keep fighting the good fight and don't let anxiety rule your life. It definitely does get better!
Based on your account of this situation, it sounds like you might be a very anxious person. I can relate because I have been the same way in the past, but seriously, you need to get a grip on it. Not just for this relationship, but for your own mental well-being. You aren't doing it consciously, but you are torturing yourself needlessly.
Consider therapy - it might be free since you seem to be in college. At the very least, buy this book: The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. It will give you some insight on why you feel how you feel, and some ways to keep it in check.
Good luck.
Not OP but I would use this book: http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286. The developers of Mindful based cognitive therapy wrote it. MBCT has been proven to be really effective on recurring depression. It's an eight week course. The one thing it's missing that I think is really effective for depressed individuals is a loving kindness meditation. Just search YouTube for a video teaching you how to do Loving Kindness. It's about cultivating positive feelings for yourself. I did MBCT and it really worked for me. Try the book I linked you. Here's the audio practices for mindful based cognitive therapy. You could nearly get by just listening to them and doing them for eight weeks and finding a meditation that suits you. http://www.guilford.com/companion-site/Mindfulness-Based-Cognitive-Therapy-for-Depression-Second-Edition/audio.
The good news is, seeing a doctor (and neurologist/psychologist/etc, with a referral) is free.
The bad news is, a 50% reduction in pain is considered a "success", regardless of whether you're well enough to work. migraines are still very poorly understood and it's mostly a matter of trying pills (most of them slow-acting and with major side-effects) until something works.
I'm in a lot less pain these days, but it'll come straight back if I try anything resembling work for more than about an hour a day. I'm very, very lucky to have people who can afford to take care of me.
some other tips for navigating the system:
btw, I suspect my career-ending stress-induced migraine of doom could have been avoided (or at least not been career-ending) if I'd discovered earlier that I had ADHD. I was essentially self-medicating with constant stress. so, check for underlying causes for your stress and anxiety now, before it's too late.
oh, and get some books on mindfulness, CBT, DBT etc; the more brain-debugging you can do on your own, the more you'll get out of whatever therapy you can afford. :)
oh, and there are books on physiotherapy too. :) mine helped far more than either of the physiotherapists I've seen.
here's my personal reading list:
Besides medications, disciplined lifestyle is your friend. Regular sleep, food, exercise, avoiding drugs and alcohol. I see in the thread that you say you can't sleep. With this illness, you absolutely must make that time and keep it on a schedule. If not, you can expect plenty of episodes. I was mostly level and high functioning, but I managed stress badly, lost control, and lost my career in the process. You say you don't have time to sleep; actually you cannot afford not to.
Get a book on meditation. Learn it. Do it daily. It should make your sleep more efficient and much easier. I highly recommend this book in particular: http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-Through-Depression/dp/1593851286
You can't control your episodes, but there are things you can do to decrease their frequency and severity--largely in the form of lifestyle.
It's worth doing. Please consider it.
This book helped me to get over severe depression:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286
It changed the way I looked at depression (and anxiety too) especially the whole cycle we tend to create by dwelling on it, then dwelling on the dwelling, and so on. It includes a structured meditation program with some CBT elements scientifically proven to reduce depression (MBCT/Mindfulness Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I think it might be what you're looking for.
I also suffer from depression and anxiety and for me constructive criticism would be more welcome than a "white lie". I would hope that is the case for your wife. She should not give up because an early attempt is not a masterpiece. If she enjoys it then that is its own reward. If she practices a lot she will get better.
If that is not the case than I recommend a book called The Mindful Way Through Depression. That book changed my life so much.
for girls/relationships, try models by mark manson. here's the amazon link with reviews here
Basically it's a lot of the pick up and seduction community distilled into it's core content.
Cut through all the gimmicks and "lines". Be honest with yourself of what you want in your life and go after it. Don't fear failure and don't sell yourself short. It's a very honest look at male-female attraction and I think it gives a lot of value beyond random encouragement that some books give.
I encourage people to buy it, as Mark has done some great work in the community and we should all support him for it. You can get it on Amazon here.
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming got me lucid in a couple weeks of the simplest exercises back when I was experimenting with this stuff years ago.
Later I discovered 3 elements to lucid dreams:
When I've been lucid, I usually don't have all 3 fully. Often I'll have sensory clarity and awareness but lack full control of dream content, or I'll have awareness and control but not full sensory clarity. Having all three is quite the trip.
So unfortunately it seems most of the initial research I did into certain techniques on this subreddit was before I had made an account, so I don't have any of them saved. :(
A few links though, in case you haven't checked them out yet...
From the sidebar:
Probably worth investigating all those other sidebar links, I haven't done so myself yet, but they look promising. :)
GREAT Wikibooks article on LD induction techniques:
Awesome Book:
There were several times in my two experiences where the dream began to fade. If I hadn't done these things the dreams would have ended far before they got really interesting:
General tips from personal experience:
It took me a couple months to have the experience after I REALLY started researching it, so I'm sure it's only a matter of time for you if you keep at it, friend. :) Dream on!
This book by Stephen LaBerge is supposedly one of the best books about learning to self induce lucid dreams.
http://www.amazon.com/Exploring-World-Dreaming-Stephen-Laberge/dp/034537410X
Sorry, I hope I didn't come across hostile. I didn't really like that book but that may just be because I've been spoilt by reading so many better books, it's probably quite interesting to someone who's not heard all this stuff before.
Yes jargon is a bit of a curse. Someone started a thread asking something similar earlier but they deleted it, so I'll just copy and paste my suggestions here...
There's no one-best-guide but there's a lot of trash.
IMHO you probably want to get about 2/3 books to get a balanced learning.
I'd recommend these:
Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming?
http://www.amazon.com/Exploring-World-Dreaming-Stephen-LaBerge/dp/034537410X/ref=pd_sim_b_2
Are You Dreaming? Exploring lucid dreams, a comprehensive guide http://www.amazon.com/dp/0957497709/ref=cm_sw_su_dp
Advanced Lucid Dreaming: the power of supplements
http://www.amazon.com/Advanced-Lucid-Dreaming-Power-Supplements/dp/1430305428/ref=pd_sim_b_4
The Conscious Exploration of Dreaming
http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Exploration-Dreaming-Discovering-Control/dp/1585005398/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1381059873&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=conscious+exploration+of+dreaming
First two are must reads, third is useful if you're interested in supplements, fourth is less of a guide but has some useful info. The author Ryan Hurd does some good e-books too.
A lot of the other books out there are really dumbed down or get all wishy-washy and paranormal. Oh and don't bother with "learn to lucid dream in 30 days" or most of the other cheap e-books as you'll only end up wasting your money.
Most politicians, including Trump's Art of the Deal, don't write their own books. They use ghost writers who compose their general ideas. It really should be no surprise that a book published by the holder of the most powerful political position in the US would be an instant best seller, regardless of content. There is no likely corruption.
The Definitive Book of Body Language
Really taught me a lot about how people interact, and made me much more socially aware. Easy read, and very interesting.
Sometimes its feet too... you usually point your feet towards something you like or something you want. Body language doesn't lie.
And yes, there are a lot of hoaky stupid books/sites about body language but if you find one that was written by someone credible the info is really awesome. I liked The Definitive Book of Body Language
http://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0553804723/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1
Body Language by allan pease, who's basically written a lot of standardized text on the matter.
http://www.paulekman.com/publications/recentbooks/
Paul Ekman and his FACS, METT, and SETT programs/methods.
Between these two authors you basically have everything you need to decode larger body language and finer subtleties of of facial movement.
The Definitive Book of Body Language
https://www.amazon.com/How-Become-Straight-Student-Unconventional/dp/0767922719/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2LL4YEAVGNTVP&keywords=how+to+become+a+straight-a+student+by+cal+newport&qid=1563466968&s=books&sprefix=how+to+become+a+stra%2Caps%2C133&sr=1-1
https://www.amazon.com/Make-Stick-Science-Successful-Learning/dp/0674729013/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2VIVRORI88FP0&keywords=make+it+stick&qid=1563466981&s=books&sprefix=make+it+st%2Cstripbooks%2C133&sr=1-1
https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Numbers-Science-Flunked-Algebra/dp/039916524X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=104N13CQNSD4K&keywords=a+mind+for+numbers&qid=1563466992&s=books&sprefix=mind+for+number%2Cstripbooks%2C142&sr=1-1
Yep, Visualization did jack shit for me too. I've read many self-help books, and so far the only ones that have helped me were those written by scientists who have researched their field for a long time, and people recommend them, that also had practical exercises in them. Very specific, but that's the truth. Here's a list:
All the rest, including positive psychology and Tony Robbins and all that jazz, didn't help me none.What area in your life do you want to improve?
Boy... those are some big, daunting questions.
But one at a time.
For better study habits, it sounds like procrastination is the problem. Make a big event out of studying, bring whatever materials you need to work on to a little hole-in-the-wall coffee shop or library and just get that one thing done while you're there. Don't bring all of your work just the one most important thing. It may seem a bit overdramatic to make a big deal out of studying by isolating yourself in a study bunker but it makes the work you're about to do feel mission critical. Also if you can do it early in the day, because by night you're going to be tired and just want to relax with TV or hanging out with friends, and stop kidding yourself, life's about those moments not the work that you have to get done for school. So respect yourself and let yourself have some fun when everyone else is, by keeping your nights mostly open and keeping your mornings booked with work. Finally, if it's something like an essay that will take a long time, don't you dare work on it for more than an hour without taking a break.
As far as being a better person in general... I don't really know... Have you tried the golden rule? Do to others what you want them to do to you. I hear it's a good one!
If you want a fantastic book all about best study pratices check out Cal Newport's Straight A Student
For you first attempt at animation, I thing you did a great job! Definitely a good start.
The storytelling is a bit unclear, it took me a few views to understand exactly what was going on. The main reason it was unclear to me is because up until the end, I didn't really know where the characters were in relationship to one another. A couple ways you could fix this is to have a background in each shot to show where they are in the environment and have a few shot where you see both characters in frame at the same time to show how close/far they are from each other. I would also have an establishing shot at the beginning to show where the story is taking place. I think you are also missing a few key storytelling shots at the beginning that would help clarify that the characters are playing hide and seek. I think you need to show the beginning of the game, where the boy character would be counting and the girl character is starting to hide.
In terms of the animation, I think the constantly changing line color is distracting. I would try to keep it to one color throughout. You could have the boy and girl have different colors, but I wouldn't keep those colors consistent in each shot. I like the loose/rough quality of your drawings, but I think you need to pay more attention to the volume and form of your characters. Your timing and spacing in the animation is quite even as well. Meaning, it looks like everything is moving at the same speed and it is hard to distinguish between fast and slow movements. Timing and spacing are hard to get right, even for people who have been animating for a long time. The only way to improve these skills are to keep animating!
For your first animation, I think you did really well, the more you animate the more you will improve. I think you chose a really complex subject for this animation and suggest you start with some easier animation tests moving forward. I would start off with learning the 12 animation principles and animating some basic stuff like bouncing balls, pendulums, falling leaves, etc. I would recommend buying these books: Animator's Survival Kit and Eric Goldburg's Character Animation Crash Course. You also might want to look in to using software that is designed for animation. It will probably make it easier to see the animation as your working on it instead of exporting out images and putting them together in movie maker. You should check out PAP4, its a simple animation program that is free to download/use.
As far as applying to CalArts, I would really focus on creating a great portfolio with solid life drawing. CalArts wants to see that their prospective students already have solid drawing skills so that you can hit the ground running when you start classes. I would see about taking some local life drawing classes/workshops where you live so you can build up a solid portfolio. While they like to see students with previous experience animating, the portfolio is much more important to getting accepted there. You should check out AnimatedBuzz, its a social community for animators. There are a lot of prospective CalArts students on there who post their work on the forums to get feedback.
Hope this helps. Good luck to you and keep animating :)
First of all r/sfm
A Steam group
Valve official tutorials
These 5 beautiful people:
Zachariah Scott
Jimer Lins
Argodaemon
Thomas Larson (outdated maybe?)
12 principles of animation
Posing
Not SFM but still works
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators (This includes the 12 principles of animation of course) If you want to go this far.
Have you thumbnailed your concept out on paper across several small thumbnails first? It's a lot less intimidating and you'll be less tempted to get caught up in details or such at that stage. Once you have a set of thumbnails for your animation idea, then you can redraw those thumbnails and then start working on getting those set together on their individual key frames and see how it appears. If there isn't enough transition between frames to make it look right, then go back and start drawing the in between frames based on the one before and after. This allows you to go from an overall concept for your animation with quick thumbnailing and then refining into details. We had done animatics back when I was in college and we just had a sheet with small 3 inch thumbnail squares to draw into and were told to write a few lines next to each of them on what was happening at this point of the animation.
For example, I had done a silly training scenario animatic for my class back then and started off with thumbnails, then scanned them and redrew them onto flash frames. Then, added the in between frames to get this silly animatic prototype for my concept and in fairly short time.https://www.deviantart.com/sykotifachan/art/Animatic-Complete-146822334
Also, a good recommendation on animation study material:
https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/
I'm not an animator, it was more a hobby for me, but I studied alongside and worked with animators and this was often used for their studies.
Source: Current storyboard artist, former animator. I also used to teach animation to kids 5-15.
Here's what I would do if I were you. Buy a bunch of blank flipbooks, a 9x12" sketchbook, and this book, Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams: http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;sr=&amp;qid=
Every time it mentions an exercise (such as a bouncing ball), do the exercise. Make the bouncing ball a basketball, a character's head, whatever will make it fun for you.
Also, practice drawing a LOT. Go to life drawing classes. Draw buildings and trees. Draw objects and hands holding objects. Pay attention to form, but also light. Practice drawing your favorite animated characters, but after you've copied a few poses, make sure you're picturing them in 3D and paying attention to proportions. Try to draw them in a pose you've never seen them in.
I've noticed a lot of high schoolers in particular worried about drawing/animation style—which style is correct, which should they draw in, how do they develop their own style. Don't worry about this, your own drawing style will come out naturally as you draw more and more the way you like. It's not terrible to try to imitate Disney, Miyazaki, or anyone else, but it's also not terrible to just do things your way. Try everything. Your style will come out based on how you LIKE to draw.
After you're comfortable with flipbooks and what they call "straight-ahead animation," you'll be ready (and dying to) get an animation peg bar, hole punch, and a light table. Or you can skip this and go to the computer if you want. I think it's important not to start out on the computer, though, as it will make you think like a computer (solid shapes, motion in straight lines) and it will be tougher to learn to animate organically. You'll have put yourself on a path to being a great motion-graphics-designer, but a tough path for an animator.
Don't worry about sound yet. In a real studio you wouldn't be recording the sound anyway. Once you feel comfortable animating and ready to get into characters talking, take a few lines from a movie and animate different characters over it.
PM me if you want more details or have questions about any of it.
Assertiveness might be more straightforward to address than an inner monster. There's more material available on it; it's better understood in the popular discourse as something that anyone who doesn't already have it needs to develop.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. I can vouch for this one personally. It's a pretty comprehensive treatment of how and why people don't develop or respect healthy boundaries and what you can do about it.
That book comes from a Christian tradition. Much of it is secular, but some of the motivating statements and theoretical framework is in terms of Christian theology. I'm agnostic leaning atheist, but I actually found that part of the book opened my eyes to the fact that there are some Christian people in the USA who use their beliefs as a basis to do some hard work on themselves. A useful experience on its own, for what that's worth.
Supporting skills:
That is the obvious and straightforward path, the one that in my experience and opinion is most likely to get you to where you want to be. If the language of the Jungian shadow appeals to you, you can also try approaching it in terms of facing up to who exactly it is that you don't want to be - but think about trying that after you've given the straightforward approach a fair shake.
I’m really sorry for what he’s put you through. You didn’t deserve to be lied to or disrespected. He definately left out A LOT of context by excluding his history of bad finacial choices.
I know this isn’t /r/ relationships but I’m going to give you the same advice that I’ve given to people over there: Date someone for who they are right now, not for who you hope they’ll turn into one day. Most people don’t make major changes in lifestyle, personality, or behavior. People only make big changes if they genuinly want to make a change for themsleves. They certainly don’t change just because someone else wants them to, not even a significant other. In other words: Don’t date a project!
If being more financially responsible and being honest was a priority for him than he would have taken steps to do those things by now. He hasn’t because they’re not priorities for him. And if he comes to you with promises of change now that you’ve broken up with him I can’t tell you wether or not they’re ones he’ll follow through on. You know him best. But don’t be surprised if you take him back and after a few weeks/months he gets comfortable and goes back to his previous behaviors.
> But I'm a total giver. ... I will buy them whatever they need. I love them. I help bc I don't want people to ever feel like I felt when I was a kid. This is a personality flaw. My ex owes me $1k, etc. I'm a sucker.
It sounds like you need to learn how to set and maintain boundaries with other people when it comes to money. Generosity is a virtue, but if you are being so generous that you are enabling other poor financial choices to the point thah its hurting your finances or mental/emotional wellbeing then it crosses the line into a problem. And yes, you were eneabling your BF, just like his mom does, by loaning him money whenever he runs out.
You need to learn how to say no to people- being a kind, generous person does not mean being a doormat. I’d encourage you to look into a few theraphy sessions to go over this issue (though I totally understand that not everyone can afford that). If that’s not an option the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life and it’s companion workbook are good reads (it has some religious undertones but the lessons on setting boundaries can apply to anyone).
Tynap- you sound like a kind, honest, hardworking, responsible woman who has her life together. Don’t sell yourself short by settling for a life partner who doesn’t live up to the standards you hold yourself to.
Wish you the best in your situation!
I've heard a guy named Dave Ramsey recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud a LOT to people dealing with these types of family issues. You/FDH may be interested to read it?
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
https://www.cloudtownsend.com/what-do-you-mean-boundaries-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend/
This book should have some advice for you and your wife on setting clear boundaries and expectations with your father in law.
EDIT: Here is the writeup on this book from Dave Ramsey, which is who (whom?) I have heard recommend it.
This book helped me A LOT.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1501342010&amp;sr=1-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=Dr.+Henry+Cloud&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=41cX7krXwwL&amp;ref=plSrch
Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Because making loose correlations between anecdotal observations is a lot easier than thinking about socioeconomic issues. Because humans are hardwired to be tribal, and most of our self selected tribes are monochromatic. Sapiens, Outliers, and The Tipping Point touch on these flaws in our wetware.
Just want to shoot my mouth off here for a minute.
Incarcerated, Ted Bundy gave a number of interviews in the misguided hopes of being deemed a valuable contributor to law enforcement, and thus spared the death penalty. In several of these he went at length on the "hypothetical" origins of serial killers, and why they enjoyed such success in 1970s America and onwards.
One of his insights was society had become depersonalized, with communities disintegrating, and people traveling across the country, surrounded by strangers who didn't necessarily notice or care that someone was here one day, gone the next. While Bundy disregarded advances in law enforcement technique, it's also true many of those technologies and sciences emerged from high profile cases like Bundy's.
That's part of the nature of serial killers, being predators of populations requires vulnerable targets, or at some level society having a blind spot. The most prolific serial killers targeted so called victim populations- homeless, prostitutes, homosexuals, those society generally didn't address or concern itself with.
THe other part goes back to the nature of societies- Gladwell's seminal work makes a case for differences of culture between east and west dating back to agrarian roots-tight knit cultures of rice paddies developing societies intrinsically different than the labor intensive but individualistic trends that emerged in the feudal fields of Europe.
The consequences for these among predators is the nature of the victim pool-simply that in an individualistic, privacy minding and impersonal society, there is less watchfulness( bearing in mind generalities, not absolutes across all communities or ethnic groupings, but as broad strokes of cultural influence). What impact this may have for criminals preying on targets can probably be discerned from instances like Hong Kong's scarcity of serial killing.
TL;DR: Whether from tight knit community awareness, government crackdown on 'deviants' that catches would-be killers early in their development, social factors like Triad protectionism, or a greater sense of community vs western individualism that readily identifies problems with individuals relating to the group, Hong Kong is not prime real estate for budding psychopaths.
I read a lot of non-fiction, largely science/sociology/psych/econ/math related things. I like learning more about what makes people tick and how the world behaves.
If that's of interest to you:
The easy to read starting points are the "pop-science" type of books. Freakonomics one example. Also things like Malcom Gladwell's books or Mary Roach's all fall into this category for me.
Assuming you're remotely interested in the topic, they're pretty engaging and have a narrative of sorts throughout. The downside is they're often a little lighter on the scientific details and sometimes (especially Gladwell) seem to have had an idea and then looked for evidence to support it rather than presenting a balanced perspective.
But with all this sort of writing, I view it as a stepping point to get me to think about things in a way I haven't thought about it before and consider their ideas, not necessarily to be taken as gospel that "their idea is 100% correct, this is how everything works".
--------
The mid-tier in terms of reading difficulty up from that if you find yourself liking it, are things like Dan Ariely's books (on human behavior, especially rationality + honesty) or Nate Silver's book (about the use of and issues with prediction and probability/statistics in the real world, he does the 538 site). The writing is still engaging, but there's much more of a focus on the experiments or experimental/mathematical evidence to support their ideas.
Doing more RC's isn't going to help that much. They are mostly to use to reaffirm you are dreaming after you have realized you are dreaming. In fact I haven't done an RC in a dream. I've also read that asking dream characters if you are dreaming is unreliable, though I'm sure its a person to person thing.
Though, make sure you make them at regular intervals and not at random. I set an hourly alarm on my phone to just buzz and let me know.
And everyone has a hard time in their infancy of actual lucid dreams. It really just takes practice.
Something I started doing was, what I believe is called, Lucid Living. Its where you take time out of your day and just realize reality. Realize you can realize. Take in as many details as you can. I was having a hard time having my first LD, but after I started this I had my first 3 in the next week or two, but sadly school started and I haven't had the time for Lucid Dreaming.
Another thing that helps is read something about lucid dreaming before bed. Get into the mind set. Pick up Stephen LaBerge's book Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming, lots of helpful and basic stuff in there.
If you need to know anything else you can PM me, I spent a good chunk of my summer basically researching this stuff.
It sounds like you're getting rejected before you even get a chance to establish your intent.
This is a wholly different problem than getting rejected after stating/establishing intent. Hell, you getting rejected itself is the only part of your question that matters.
I think this takes a lot about figuring out your approach. Judging by your past posts, you're new to all this and need to really find your footing in regards to the dating world. There are several components to doing this. For starters, note that being her friend is a different endgame than being her romantic partner. They are, 99% of the time, mutually exclusive. Disney and romcoms have brainwashed you into believing they overlap, but they don't. Get that shit out of your head. Here are some other tips.
tips for smooth speech
talk with a deeper voice
proper posture
mensfashion subreddit
fitness subreddit
stronglifts 5x5 - for both routine and nutrition
headspace
meditation subreddit
"what to say" post
Models by Mark manson
the shit test encyclopedia
resources exist for all of these things - I've tried to link the relevant ones but reddit's linking system takes forever. There's more as you dive into every topic.
This covers the basics. I may just make this a post at this point, but this should give you more focus on building yourself into an attractive person. Good luck bro.
edits for formatting
Women can sense insecurity in men so amazingly well. Women aren't turned off by your acne, they're turned off by how you perceive your acne. If you perceive that girls will be turned off by your acne and never flirt with you then that is exactly what they will do. One thing I've noticed is that with my own skin, however I perceive people to react to it is exactly how they will.
Trust me myself and many friends have went through periods of severe acne. My best friend had over 30 zits on his face (we counted) at a party and still managed to get a girls number and ultimate hook up with her. Why? Because he embraced his acne and stopped letting it rule his life and emotions. Once I let this notion that acne is a bad thing go my life improved so much. Girls started paying attention to me and I was so much happier. My skin actually got worse because I started partying more because people started liking me more. I didn't give a shit. And now that I'm older and my skin has cleared up nothing has changed. My skin cleared up actually pretty rapidly. Did girls start noticing me more? Hell no. Nothing changed. Because acne in the physical form is nothing, but when you let it dictate your emotions you start the sad cycle I think you're in. You begin saying, "If only my skin were better I would have X,Y,Z." Or my favorite, "She rejected me because of my skin." I used to fucking say that. And then one day I realized something. Why the fuck would I ever want to be with a girl that rejected me on the fact I have bad skin.
Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24
Have you guys seen one of the main books they (the PUA community anyway) are reading now?
I'd be curious about how it comes across, since it's supposed to be about authenticity (ie: not lying to get laid)
It's not about being nice or a asshole. Honestly goes a long way.
Check out this book: Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
I'm just like you. This book helped me a lot. If you don't want to spend money yet, you can always check out the author's blog. Or you can check out his old dating advice blogs with the wayback machine. There's more advice than anyone needs there, and it doesn't suck.
Pros colegas eu sempre indico um livro chamado Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, eu nem terminei de ler e posso dizer que transformou a minha vida nesse aspecto.
The fear never really goes away. Even the most seasoned pick-up artist still gets nervous from time to time when approaching a girl or asking her out. The key is overcoming that anxiety, and the only way to do that is to have enough confidence to not care about the outcome.
A key part of overcoming rejection is realizing that, believe it or not, your rejection has almost nothing to do with you. I mean, there are certain things that you're in control of - hygiene, clothing, grooming, etc. But maybe she just broke up with her boyfriend and doesn't want a relationship with anybody. Maybe she's been single for a while and still doesn't want a relationship. Maybe she's trying to get back with an ex. Maybe she's crushing hard on someone and isn't interested in anyone else. Maybe the guy who hit on her before you came up did a bad job, pissed her off, and now she's taking it out on you. Maybe she just had a really shitty stressful day and only wanted to come out to the bar just to drink and dance, and doesn't want to deal with any guys hitting on her. Maybe you're just not her type. Maybe she's just batshit crazy and she's going to throw a drink in your face no matter how good your game is.
There are literally thousands of reasons why she shot you down. Most of them are totally outside your control. So why sweat it? All you've done is find out that this girl wasn't compatible with you...1 down, 3,499,999,999 to go. That's not a failure, it's a success. Start looking at it like that, and forget the mindset that her rejecting you is a poor reflection on you, because that's most likely not true.
I'm not sure what material you've read, but if you haven't read Models by Mark Manson (http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24), buy it today. It's a great self-help book for guys in your situation, but without all of sleazy tips and methods of a generic PUA manual. I can't recommend it enough.
EDIT: Rereading your post, I realize that I'm coming at this from the angle that you're worried about rejection from strangers, when it may have more to do with being rejected by girls you're already friends with. I would say that most of this still applies in either situation though.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24
Highly suggest reading the first few chapters of this book. It's exactly what you're looking for. Explains how investment works in dating. Staying honest and not being needy, why they are important. I got a really good perspective from reading this and I'm much more confident dating now.
Yup. I had been through recurring depression when a therapist gave me this:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286
> You can't cure it, only do things to ease it until it passes on its own
Good point. Sad feelings and thoughts are pretty normal human reactions to things you've gone through. Let yourself feel them without judgment and they'll lessen over time.
This isn't just my opinion, it's shared in this book. Don't be put off from the "mindfulness". The first half of the book is an expansion upon the point i made above, the second half is basic meditation practice (which I don't really do but still founds this book really interesting for the first half). There is no mystical-ness to this, one of the authors is a physician, another a psychologist.
You might want to look into Jon Kabat-Zinn's book, [The Mindful Way Through Depression] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-through-Depression/dp/1593851286/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1345526368&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=mindful+way+through+depression). I went through a mindfulness-based therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I meditate daily, but learning mindfulness and incorporating it throughout my whole life was absolutely key. I'm not totally fixed, but I'm much better than I was.
I'm a 22 year old male. I've experienced pretty similar symptoms. I have pretty big ups and downs. I'm a pretty social person and when I'm feeling up I feel I can talk with anyone, be heard, think optimistically, work hard, etc.. However, I will eventually experience the low you described. I was talking to my mom the other day on the phone - she was really excited to talk with me, but I just had no energy to talk with her. It was't because I was mad at her, but it just seemed like a lot of work and I didn't have anything I wanted to talk about. As you mentioned, it can occur within an hour.
I also live a healthy lifestyle. I workout most days of the week eat pretty healthfully. I'm not quite sure the answer, but I do have a few thoughts.
I think accepting that mood swings are natural is important. Even the most social people, hard working people, etc. have regular downtimes. I understand you feel your situation is extreme, but I think it is important to understand mood swings are human and you can't just fight your way out of a low.
However, I think there are things you can take to stabilize your mood. I have started meditating everyday for 45 minutes. I have been doing it in the morning for the past week and have noticed results. I think you have less ups and downs, which is very nice. I'm following the meditations from this book. This method takes discipline, but you should be able to see results. There have been many, many studies on the benefits of meditation.
In addition, if you haven't looked into cognitive therapy, I would recommend reading the book Feeling Good. The basic idea is your thoughts control your mood. If you can have a better handle over your thoughts, you will be able to better control your mood. I've noticed I experience a rapid mood swing (in less than an hour) because of a thought trigger. Sometimes some negative, or seemingly negative event will happen and it will trigger a long string of thoughts that invariably brings my mood down.
Welcome and good luck! :)
As for reading material, get your hands on this. Very good read (just ignore some of the anti-doc speech she has in there and you're good to go).
Do you have a smart phone? Download Fertility Friend! There's a free version and you can also pay for a subscription version that unlocks additional features. (You can also use their website if you don't mind using a desktop version -- desktop and mobile versions sync so you can use both as well, website located here )
Get thee a BBT (basal body thermometer). You can normally find them in the drug store or online (unless you're like me and can't find them anywhere except Amazon, but in theory, you should be able to find them anywhere a thermometer is sold! :P)
ETA: I just noticed you said you're in your 30's. There's also /r/ttc30 if you're interested in checking that out :)
ETA2: If you want a recommendation on what OPK's to use, I use Wondfo OPK's. They're dirt cheap (For a 100 pack of OPK's and a 20 pack of HCG tests, it's ~$35?). Supposedly their HCG tests are garbage, but I've never had a problem with the OPK's. They work great :)
Let me know if you have any questions :) I think I covered all the basics lol
>I wish I could do the rhythm method but I can't, because my periods very between 40-60, but it hurts to know there are many women like me that may love their normal cycles but never experience them or even know about them, ever.
The rhythm method is nonsense anyway, even if you had a typical length cycle. There's a joke that goes, "What do you call couples who use the rhythm method? Parents!"
But you could still look into Fertility Awareness Method, which is different. It's not based on a prediction of a typical/average cycle, it's based on tracking what your body is doing right now, in your current cycle. You'll know on a day to day basis whether you're in follicular or luteal phase, and whether unprotected PIV can or cannot result in pregnancy. And when it can, you just use condoms or think outside the box as I always say.
And as for irregular cycles it's pretty fantastic because you'll know when you ovulate and thus can predict to the day about two weeks in advance exactly when you'll get your period. And then the day of you'll get another reminder. So you can put a pad on/cup in in advance. It makes me feel like a magical wizard. I love it.
Another option thought might be the copper IUD. Personally I've heard a fair number of unfavorable anecdotes (like making periods and cramps way worse) but it clearly works for some women and it'd let you keep your cycle.
Check out Taking Charge of Your Fertility! It was a real eye-opener for me.
Welcome and congratulations on starting your TTC journey. It's usually a very exciting time for couples. :)
I'd suggest reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility as it explains a lot of things that will be helpful to you as you continue in your TTC efforts. Another book I've heard is good for TTC, though I haven't read it myself and cannot confirm, is The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant.
> I tried a few ovulation tests earlier in the month and after getting faint second lines I decided it was close enough and we BD'd.
It's good that you've been having sex so you don't miss your fertile window. But you should know that an OPK isn't considered positive till the test line is as dark, or darker, than the control line. A lot of women, myself included, will literally always be able to pull at least a faint line on an OPK. I could drink a gallon of water at 11pm on CD3 and still get a faint test line. I've literally never seen an OPK without at least a faint line on it. And I realized the other day that I halfway (completely illogically) believe that if I dipped an OPK in water there would be a faint second line. Which of course isn't how it works but to illustrate just how weird it would be for me to see an OPK without a test line.
I personally would chalk up the spotting and the symptoms to your hormones regulating after the pill. A lot of ladies have a wonky first cycle or two. I know some lady who had strangely short cycles. Other have weirdly long cycles. Some ladies have a normal cycle length but O'd late and had a very abnormally short luteal phase. Basically what I'm saying here is that yes your cycle may be totally normal the first month but more often than not something is off with the first cycle. And what that something is could be anything.
Just to dispel this myth really quick: implantation bleeding isn't really a thing. No I'm not saying you can't have spotting/bleeding and also be pregnant. You definitely can be pregnant and have some spotting/bleeding at some point. It isn't even that uncommon to have a tiny bit of spotting/bleeding at some point during a pregnancy. However, there is no evidence at all that implantation is capable of causing bleeding. So "implantation bleeding" is at the very least a misnomer. Here is a study on bleeding in very early pregnancy. Here is a quote from the study:
>We found no support for the hypothesis that implantation can produce vaginal bleeding.
I've looked at a couple of other research articles on the issue and I have never once seen anything in the research that suggests implantation can, or does, cause bleeding.
There is also this study that is based off self-reported data on a TTC site. It found:
>There is no solid evidence in the graph for the occurrence of so-called implantation spotting.
and
>The chance that spotting will happen on any given DPO is greater for non-pregnant women than for pregnant. In DPOs 0-9 this means that spotting is a slightly negative indicator for pregnancy.
>In DPOs 10-20, in contrast, it is a strongly negative indicator since the primary cause of spotting in those DPOs is oncoming menstruation. The large bulge in the non-pregnant curve shows this clearly.
I'm not saying you're definitely not pregnant. I'm just saying that you may not want to assume that spotting is a great sign that you're likely pregnant. It seems like a great way to end up really hurt by false hope.
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1321827479&amp;sr=1-1
I would advise seeing a gyno right off the bat to see if they can do some testing for pcos which could be a cause for the irregular cycles and possible weight gain.
Highly recommend Taking Charge of Your Fertility, it's pretty much a bible for ttc. Also would recommend reading The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant. Both are great reads.
Get a BBT thermometer from your local pharmacy (the Target pink & white one sucks, so try a different store) and start temping/tracking your cycles through Fertility Friend.
Buy a buttload of wondfo OPKs to test for ovulation. Wondfos are cheap and plentiful. Check here for a 'how to' on buying them from a reputable source on Amazon/
This worked really well for me - I have a second kid to prove it! LOL
I had undiagnosed PCOS, and through tracking my cycles I knew I wasn't ovulating every month. But when we were ready to conceive our 2nd baby, we got pregnant with only one try (work schedule & illness) because I knew exactly when I DID ovulate.
The book I used was fantastic. Taking Charge of Your Fertility. This book should be required reading for all women anyway. I couldn't believe how ignorant I was about my own body.
+1 for fertility awareness. This is a great book...
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Fertility-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0060881909
This is so relevant to me right now it's insane.
I had been using hormonal BC off and on since I was about 15 years old. It started with the pill, which I used for probably about a year or two, and then I switched to the NuvaRing, also using it for about a year or two. But after using both methods of BC, and after feeling plummeting self esteem from weight gain, a killed libido, and just feeling "artificial," I decided to just be done with hormonal BC. I was set on getting Paraguard (non-hormonal and no babies for 10 years? Who wouldn't want that?) So I went to the doctor, and talked to her about my options. I explained my desire to get the IUD placed, and she told me horror stories about the IUD (perforated uteruses, snapped IUDs that required surgery to retrieve, etc.) and that she didn't think I would be a good candidate simply because I haven't been pregnant before. The whole experience was debilitating and for the first time in my life I felt truly trapped and defeated. I wanted birth control that wouldn't screw with my hormones, was effective, and didn't require a barrier, but it didn't seem to exist.
I did a bit of research and also came across Lady Comp. Honestly, it sounded too good to be true. But $500 is a hefty one-time payment for birth control, and I have yet to make the commitment (though I honestly think I will within a few months). However, while researching Lady Comp, I saw a lot of talk about the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler and it instantly drew my attention. The book explains how you can use the Fertility Awareness Method for BC by simply tracking your Basal Body Temperature (which is exactly what Lady Comp does), your cervical fluid, and/or your cervical positioning.
I'm nearly done reading the book, and I honestly feel so much more comfortable and aware of my own fertility.
I haven't used the FAM method yet (husband is active duty and is away at the moment) however I have been tracking my BBT and cervical fluid and hopefully will be using it when he comes home. That's the plan, anyway. I don't think I would feel comfortable using Lady Comp without supplementing with the book, simply because several things can affect your BBT (alcohol the night previous, not getting adequate amount of sleep, sickness or fevers, etc) but the book helped explain how in addition to my BBT, I can examine my own cervical fluid and cervical positioning to identify my fertile window.
My suggestion would be to at least look into the book a bit before buying the Lady Comp so you can understand your own personal cycle, and understand how BBT works, as well as your cervical fluid and positioning.
Lots of us!
Day 14 is supposedly the magic number - if your cycle is the perfect, textbook 28 days. Even then you may not be ovulating that day. There is a lot of variability in the length of your cycle leading up to ovulation, and not so much variability following it. Generally speaking if your cycle is less than 28 days, then you are ovulating sooner than day 14, and if your cycle is longer then you are ovulating later.
For example, my cycles run on the longer side of normal. My last was 34 days with ovulation on day 20 or 21.
There is a lot of great information out there on the internet and in books about the menstrual cycle and determining when you are or are not fertile, so I'm not going to try to explain what others have already done more thoroughly and eloquently.
I recommend Taking Charge of Your Fertility (along with just about everyone else on here) if you are interested in learning more.
The background ‘cels’ were normally hand painted and created with more detail that were traditionally static or limited in movement.
The foreground pieces were limited in color palette (no highlights/shadows) due to the complex movement of the characters.
Typically, animation filmed at 24fps (frames per second) was shot in twos, meaning for every second of animation the camera ‘shot’ the image twice. So there were typically twelve drawings that required ink and paint and for the sake of production time they obviously limited their colors.
Source: studied animation in college.
A great reference is the late Richard Williams’ book ‘The Animator’s Survival Kit.’
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fbsLDbTXACC5M
Animation is an art and good animation requires a strong understanding on how things move. A good resource for making both convincing and interesting animation is the Disney Bible: https://www.amazon.com/Illusion-Life-Disney-Animation/dp/0786860707/ and another: https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/. But realistically it takes years to understand and make good animation. That's outside of the learning required with tools (such as Maya).
If he doesn't know the principles of animation he should learn them and then your critiques should be focused around 1) does the animation meet the intention -- ie is it usable and 2) how can the animation be improved to make it more interesting and believable.
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2ThRCbE2RYN8J
Get your hands on this. You can’t go wrong with Richard Williams. If I could only recommend one book about animation to someone it would be this one
Oh yeah, and since I seem to have written a couple other essays here, let me talk about the "how I learnt" part.
So yeah, watch lots of well-animated cartoons, single-step them and think about what they're doing. Watch and analyze video too! Animate, critique your own work, find people to critique it, critique their work, learn to detach your own ego from your work so all this criticism doesn't leave you a sobbing/angry mess. Find keyframes from masters, try inbetweening them, compare to the actual inbetweens. Get involved in group projects.
Flash really really tends to encourage a stiff paper-doll style of animation rather than providing useful tools to help you crank out the drawings. I've seen people do amazing things to work around it - a while back Pringle gave me a tour of the character setups he did for "Foster's" and my eyes popped out of my sockets - but it's a hell of a lot of work that requires arcane knowledge of Flash. Like I said, fool with Toon Boom or TVPaint instead. Or maybe
Animating is a LOT EASIER than it used to be, you can buy a cheap Wacom tablet for less than a hundred bucks and get software for a few hundred more, or for nothing if you're willing to compromise your morals, and have animation capabilities I could only dream of when I was a kid.
I mentioned the Preston Blair book above; it's still a major classic. I also highly recommend The Animator's Survival Kit; it's equally thorough. Both belong in any aspiring animator's library; what they teach you will help a ton in analyzing animation and making your own.
AND ALSO.
Here is a collection of the various exercises John Kricfalusi has given on his blog. THEY ARE AWESOME. He's bitched about being an unofficial school for the industry in the past, for good reason - he knows his stuff, and is passionate about passing it on. I learnt a lot hanging around his studio. You could do a lot worse than to start going down the list of drawing and animation exercises; they'll give you the mental tools to make stuff believably 3D.
This! Also, wanted to drop some resources that have helped me, though I have a specific style I enjoy.
Disney model sheets
You can find it online
Look up the pros in the field you enjoy, look for their teachings and what they studied to get there.
How To Win Friends and Influence People. I know it's an old book but it really is pretty helpful, and not just in the sales world.
A People's History of the United States,
Lies my Teacher Told Me,
Fair Game,
Anything by Noam Chomsky,
Garbage Warrior,
The Corporation,
The Men Who Stare at Goats,
Generation Kill,
Jesus Camp,
Super Size Me,
Control Room,
Century of the Self,
Connections,
How to Argue and Win Every Time,
How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Shock Doctrine, Network, Trade, Traffic, Lord of War, Blood Diamond, The Dark Side of Chocolate,Spin, Bullworth, Collapse, Guns, Germs and Steel, Bill Hicks: Revelations, Why We Fight, Hotel Rwanda, The End of Poverty?, Food Inc., Occupation 101, The Hunting Party, The Power of Nightmares
Buy this.
How to Win Friends and Influence People. It took me a long time to consider that telling people they are wrong rarely helps others to see my point of view.
Not a biography but How to Win Friends and Influence People is a good read. It's more about self-improvement than inspiration, though.
one of the best books I've ever read about being a better person.
This Book has a cheesy title that I think would push a lot of engineers away from reading it but it's popular because it's full of common sense ideas/techniques for dealing with people in all sorts of situations.
That being said mackadoo hit the nail on the head, but that type of thinking comes within the aforementioned book.
Based on your story it sounds like they're used to things not being on plans and you walking around with the plans isn't making them feel confident nor experienced.
I'm sorry you have a hard time making friends with metalheads. Maybe a little reading would help you out.
Best book on how to do this is "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Follow this book and you will amass a huge network.
I found this book, "How to Talk so Children Listen, and Listen so Children Talk"to be helpful. While the focus is on communicating with children it has techniques that can be useful for communicating with adults. It doesn't help with reading body language but it helps with techniques on clarifying what other people are talking about and keeping a discussion calm.
There's a book for that.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
Sometimes the language is a bit awkward because the kids in the book might not sound like the kids we have, but the underlying principles still apply. I think it strikes a good balance between giving specific strategies and explaining principles. It's not too gimmicky, yet it gives you enough detail to implement ideas.
I recommend this book https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889 it's over 30 years old so it's probably available at the library so you don't have to pay as much.
I recently red it after seeing it recommended on /r/parenting many times and it really is great. Chapter 3 is about 'alternatives to punishment'. That title is a bit misleading because the alternatives include options that I call 'punishment' like natural consequences (cleaning up a mess you've made). But that's just different definitions I suppose. Anyway I was a bit skeptical at first but I've used my kids as testbunnies and was amazed to find it works. The book is, unlike other parenting books I've red before, very hands on with real life situations rather than philosofical parenting.
Ugh that sounds exhausting... In my experience, terms like threenager and fournado make excuses for bad behavior simply based on their age. Time for some tough love parenting... maybe check out how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk this book
Ours are 2 years 7 months apart. He's 6 months today. My daughter hit 3 with a vengeance pretty much right after the baby was born. Suddenly everything made her angry, she didn't want talk, everything was a challenge. No more potty training, started hitting Grandma, yelling loudly, didn't want to go to bed. We were/are tired, it was rough. Lots of arguments. But the good news is that I read this book and it is amazing. I wish I had started reading it 3 months ago when I bought it but I was probably sleeping.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
My wife and I just finished this book. I plan on reading it over and over as my son (2.5) gets older:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
I struggle with this, too. It has been very painful for me to realize that I have parenting blind spots that were (of course!) just not visible to me until I realized that my own damage (or adaptations or whatever word you prefer) from my upbringing is significant and pervasive.
This isn't specifically a book for ACOA people, but I really like it, it's the most useful parenting book I've read, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen"
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=
It's still hard, though. I regularly run into triggers where I realize that I have deep veins of stuff I haven't worked through. I'd love more resources for parenting as an ACOA, too.
You'd probably also get a lot out of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" by the same authors.
I have read the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin which is targeted to stepmothers and is about stepmothers mostly. I thought it was really good in validating the really shitty stuff that we don't often like to admit (jealousy/anger/etc.).
I also read How to talk to kids so they listen and how to listen to kids so they talk because as a non-bio parent walking into a relationship with an 8 year old girl, I had a lot of learning to do, including communicating with a child (that wasn't a student/cousin/neighbour's kid/etc). Sometimes the example situations are overly positive but I've taken a lot of the techniques on board because who doesn't want to be listened to at the end of the day?
That's all I've really read in depth and that has helped me. The best thing tho in my opinion is to seek counselling for the family if it's really hard or at least couple's counselling. Because it all depends on the relationship of the couple...
Check out the chapter Freeing Children from Playing Roles in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, which gives many tools for addressing this.
Hope this doesn't come across as a criticism of your approach. I've just been thinking about this topic a lot lately.
(Edit: I have also mentioned this book in other threads, but it has been life changing.)
Thank you for reaching out for information and advice to help your daughter and as well your relationship with your wife. Your situation is like Shrodinger's Cat and no one knows whether of not your daughter has autism. However, your question is: how should you and your wife view and parent your daughter until the assessment?
I am guessing your wife has a list of behaviours to support her belief that your daughter have autism and you mention that she stims. You said that OT and SPL believe she has autism after 10 minute assessment and her teacher and your mother does not. When you said you don't want to put her in a box and focusing on what she can do, do you mean you believe: 1. autism should not be used as an excuse for certain behaviours? 2: your daughter should be held to higher expectation despite her shortcoming? 3. your wife's list of concerns about your daughter can be overcome with your style of parenting
Your post offers very little factual information about your daughter, what exactly you and your wife disagree on, unless this is literally an argument about syntax and definition.What are the concerning behaviours? Who is the primary care taker of the child? Let's stick to facts we know about autism. Autistic female tends to be under diagnosed because they tend to be able to 'act more normal' for lack of better terms. OT and SPL are trained professionals on developmental disability and the teacher and your mother are not. If OT and SPL can offer an diagnose on your daughter within 10 minute, you must then use your logic to decide 1. are these professionals are wrong and teacher, mom, and us, who have no training in diagnosis are right? or 2. does my daughter have clear signs of developmental delay?
Also, there are many other developmental delays, physical or psychological conditions that can be possible. For example, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Language Disorder, Selective Mutism, Social Anxiety, etc etc etc If your wife is concern about your daughter, it is worth the effort and the time to take a closer look, to be thorough, to be prepared, and support each other through this difficult and scary journey. It is always better to be more vigilant than negligent.
Let's say your daughter does not have autism. However, your wife has must have pointed out some difficult behaviours that she needs help tackling. Most experts agree that strategies used to help autistic children to thrive are superior parenting and teaching techniques for every child, even neurotypical ones. You do not need to wait until the diagnose to get the help your daughter and your wife needs. If you can let us know what behaviours your wife is concerned about, we can help you come up with good ways to manage or redirect regardless if your daughter's diagnose.
If you do not trust our inputs can be objective or effective for your daughter, I recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. This is a parenting book for neurotypical children, but the skills are also useful for children with autism.
I hope this helps.
P.S. Don't focus who is right or wrong in a relationship. That way everyone loses. The most important thing here is that your daughter thrives. Focusing on succeeding not winning.
Get the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," and then when he's older, get the sequel for teens. They're brilliant.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/0060741260
A few books I found really helpful:
That's me. I can't talk to anybody, really. I never have shit to say and most convos end fast. Whether it be a relative, a friend, a girl, professor, anything.
I've been trying to practice on cashiers and just random people I see around but I really just can't think of anything.
Been thinking of buying this book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X
"How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie is a book that is decades old, but still useful. It's probably the most famous book of its type ("how to talk to people"). Literally over a dozen million copies have been sold. Check out some of the reviews on Amazon.
"How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" by Leil Lowndes is also a great book. I have read part of this book before and it offers extremely useful tips. It's also easy to read as the author provides great anecdotes to explain the tips and to help you easily recall them. This one is more recent than Carnegie's book, which was published in 1936. I believe this book would be a better read because our society/culture is a little different from what it used to be back in 1936. Still, some claim that there are timeless pieces of advice in Carnegie's book, which is true but if you're only getting one, I'd get this second book instead.
How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. It's basically an updated version of How To Win Friends and Influence People. Really helped me a lot.
Good luck!
All of these sound primarily like communication issues. Specifically, not communicating a detailed timeline in which you can accomplish the assigned work at your skill level. Even your writing style indicates a lack of effective communication skills (Poor sentence structure. Lacks coherence.). These soft skills are vitally important in being successful in highly technical fields.
Here are some tips on improving your communication with coworkers: https://www.yodiz.com/blog/learning-presentation-skills-from-steve-jobs-speech-and-keynotes/
This book is also decent: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X
I would focus your efforts there, and approach your next opportunity with more positivity. A bad attitude about the work and the industry will cripple your career prospects, so you need to move past that.
OP, I definitely know that feel and then some. I would suggest however to keep practicing on girls while you're training. Just like many people did not naturally grow up to be in exceptional physical shape, many people did not naturally grow up to be exceptionally socially competent. However, a person can train to improve in both.
Find books/ebooks/PDFs on how to talk to people, on how to 'be an alpha male', on how to talk to women. Subscribe to /r/seddit, r/askseddit, /r/faimprovement, and maybe /r/socialskills. There's tons of resources on the internet now for people like us.
A side bonus of reading up on seduction and everything is that over time it helps with your general attitude and confidence with people. Whatever confidence you develop in merely talking to attractive people of the opposite gender will carry over into other areas of your life.
So a few key things that have helped me immensely:
http://postmasculine.com/posture
You don't actually have to do exercises to fix your posture if it's problematic, just practice standing up and walking straight and whatever exercises you do should help with it.
What helped me the most was paying attention to the speed that I speak at.
Edit: Also, check out /r/NoFap. I'm not going to claim that miracles will happen, but it definitely has helped me and a couple hundred other people on that subreddit.
One more thing, everything above can apply regardless of gender.
Note: I've only just started the book, but so far I'm already liking the tips and insights it's providing me. I'm practicing my smile timing constantly now.
Also, take my advice with a grain of salt, it's not like I have huge success with women, but these are the steps I'm taking to try to improve.
Harrastaa kannattais jotain ja siita se lahtee. Small talk toimii. Lue vaikka tama https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=007141858X&pd_rd_r=K5KHBCAXXSWMHSFZ5B5Y&pd_rd_w=u7nGc&pd_rd_wg=bwsv4&psc=1&refRID=K5KHBCAXXSWMHSFZ5B5Y
This tip is from the book "How to talk to anyone", it's a pretty good book, it has lots of tips like this one.
If you're walking in opposite directions the general procedure would be:
If you happen to be standing in line or walking in the same direction you can try starting from 3 then 1, 2 although she might be a bit bewildered as to why you are talking to her.
From there it's pretty much just establishing rapport with the explicit goal of getting contact info so you can meet with her again when she's not so busy and if you don't get this you may never see her again. Keep in your mind of course that last bit since even if you feel that you made a fool of yourself she's likely not going to remember you past that day if you fail.
PS To get some confidence/experience talking to strangers it might be helpful to get a job or volunteer for something that makes you exercise this skill. Working at a bar/restaurant, doing external calling for political or fundraising campaigns, or just joining a public speaking organization (e.g. Toastmasters) can help here.
Aerthe has some solid points, but let me add a few. I really like to use /r/kickassday as an online to do list. I've used lots of stuff like my phone's calendar, or Remember The Milk, but since they're never easily right there in front of me, publicly, I don't use them. Talking about your daily agenda sometimes helps you get them done. There is also /r/getmotivated.
And another one is a book, that I highly suggest reading: The 4-Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss. It's mostly about freeing yourself from the standard style workforce, but I've found it extremely helpful in determining what you want out of life. His way for setting goals and working to achieve them is excellent.
There is not a single book that covers those issues. However, I would recommend The 4 Hour Work Week as a starting point. I also recommend reading several blogs about being a digital nomad such as:
http://www.nomadicnotes.com/
http://spartantraveler.com/
http://www.tropicalmba.com/
You can find short term accommodation on:
http://www.airbnb.com
http://www.hostelworld.com
http://www.agoda.com
The sidebar has links to useful resources such as http://nomadlist.io
Many people on here have had the same questions as you have at some point. Honestly, the best way to approach these issues it to post your questions one at a time here in this sub-reddit and give us some background info. I am from Australia and get my parents to receive my mail for me and I give them authority to open and scan certain letters that I need to read (or letters where I don't know what it is about/who it is from). Many people from the US use a service such as http://www.virtualpostmail.com/
Ok, post away.
I'd suggest reading one of these:
They're all sort of a good intro to the topic. Good for getting a newbie fired up.
Or alternatively, just type your question into Google.
Check out this book
Willpower Doesn't Work
Just burned through this newly released really helping me gain a different perspective on how to make real effective change in my life. It is working too!
The Four Hour Workweek
This book honestly changed my life. I read it at a real personal tipping point and it helped me drastically change my life. It helped me get the courage to start my own business, define my real worst case scenarios, define what I really want with my life, and how to help myself remove myself from the equation of making money. I also learned about the pareto principle 80/20, and how to make it work for you like firing the customers that take up 80% of your time but give you 10% of your revenue type of people, and focusing on the 20% of customers that provide 80% of your revenue. Applying this all throughout my life has been amazing.
Getting Things Done
Really freaking good productivity processes book.
Think and Grow Rich
$0.49 on kindle? just go buy it if you haven't already. This book is a gem.
If you need ideas for topics or want to develop an intuitive understanding of the importance of micro-niches, then read The Long Tail.
To learn about the model of stacking multiple passive income generators (such as each ebook), each of which in itself doesn't earn that much, but in aggregate is life-changing, read 4HWW... just ignore Ferris' mildly slimy self-promotion if it bugs you... the book has some very important ideas that were life-changing for my wife and me.
For the nuts and bolts of ebook publishing (your actual question), just pick a couple books from Amazon on the topic. The field is always evolving so you'll want something current, which is why I can't recommend any in particular. All the info is out there if you feel like Googling it, but a book or two might save you some time and missteps.
The main thing is to figure out if you're a one-book author or a multiple-book publishing company. The former means you research, write, and then probably outsource production (and you probably won't quite your day job but you might get a decent return on investment). The latter might mean you learn production yourself to save money and then make meaningful money by cranking out multiple titles (my wife has a dozen or so). It's not rocket science but there is a learning curve, pretty easy for anyone comfortable learning new apps, HTML, etc.
Also, the key to success is picking a topic related to things people are seeking solutions for but that there aren't many books addressing. SEO/PPC keyword research skills are very helpful here, just for research, also all learnable via Google.
Per his book, he uses these methods to focus strictly on his business. He would take the energy used on consuming the media above to make his business run very efficiently.
For me, I plan on using that time and energy to focus on writing and creating my own business.
If you have a kindle, you can grab his book for $1.99 right now or order a hardbook copy. It is a highly recommended book in the online business world.
First of all, rent a P O box for 6 to 9 months at the closest US Post office & have all your mail sent to it and use it as your forwarding address. That way she can't "forget" , or just say she was concerned when she says it was "from the bank" or "from your school" and opens letters addressed to you.
Do not tell your parents that you are doing this. Also make sure all your accounts such as checking, savings and credit card are in your name only.
When she asks for information about bf, say that you do not know and suggest that she ask him directly. Be sure you let your bf know your new response just in case she actually decides to ask him.
As for wedding plans, say that he has not brought the subject up and that for now, the topic is not up for discussion. Repeat- Mom, I am not discussing that with you. Then either leave the room, change the subject, or let the silence hang in the air.
Edited to add: There is a book written in 1992 called Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud that I think is pretty good & has some pretty good tips in it. It lightly "Christian" -
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1/177-5129525-2207315?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1396549240&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=boundaries+by+townsend
Read the book Boundaries. It really helped me to start saying no to people when they would ask to borrow money, which ruins relationships many times.
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1396383021&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=boundaries
It was a process that started when I read the book linked below. You can simultaneously have healthy boundaries and care. You just understand what's your responsibility and what is not, and that it's OK to say "no". You stop taking on other people's responsibilities and burdens, both emotionally and physically. Those around you will be surprised and not happy when they start, for the first time, to hear you say no. (There are nifty ways to say no that soften the blow for example "I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me").
Being without healthy boundaries does not equal "being a good person" it just means you don't have healthy boundaries. For instance, you can't be a good parent without healthy boundaries.
https://www.amazon.ca/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
By the way, if you're going to try to develop boundaries you have to also learn the tactics that manipulators use to try to control you because those types will challenge your boundaries constantly. Eg: Guilt tripping or playing the victim. You see a lot of those two in progressive politics. We are now supposed to feel guilty for things that happened hundreds of years ago! LOL. ("Manipulator" is just a fancy word for bully). >>>>https://www.amazon.ca/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301
There are lots of boundaries books on the market.
Love and respect are what relationships are built on. Love means sacrificing your needs and wants for hers. Sounds like you think she's great (respect) and that's a good start but you have to let her be herself and have friends and relationships other than with you.
That said, there are a few different things you can do. First be honest with her about how you are feeling. And don't be angry just be honest that her hanging out with this guy gives you anxiety. Ask her if she would be willing to set some boundaries with this person like not meeting one on one or inviting you to hang out with the two of them so you can get to know him and get more comfortable with the two of them being friends. One question though, is this guy an ex-boyfriend? In my opinion, if he's an ex it's fair to just ask her to stop talking to him altogether. But regardless, don't freak out, just gather more information and calmly ask your SO to set some boundaries.
edit: also, read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud it is amazing and it will change your life and relationships for the better. https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
>My thoughts are that he's a grown person, living under my roof, so he's either going to eat what we have or get a job and buy his own food.
I completely agree!
Put a boundary and tell him this is the case and this is what you will do as this is your house and your money. Either he can be grateful and accept it (as it is not a punishment or anything - people thrive on plants) or he can move out/buy own food/or whatever degree of manning up/ungratefulness he can afford.
You need a book: Boundaries.
I was never officially diagnosed until my second attempt at u-grad, but my mom recognized ADHD was rampant in my dad's fam and did her best to explain reasoning to me, and to ask me to think things through. She used How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk to great success. I wasn't very old when I read it, and said "Hey Mom, why aren't you using X method?" =P
A couple of thoughts:
I read a great book called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" and I've been following that advice to the best of my abilities and building the kind of relationship where I think my kid would tell me these things. These things take years, and have to be two-way relationships. I never interrogate my kid or pepper her with questions, but when we spend time together I often get long, involved stories about things.
Just today someone recommended a book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (amazon: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889)
And from what I can tell from its marketing blurb, it looks like empathy is at the core of their advice. I intend to purchase it and read it soon.
How about The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? Focuses on the Collaborative Problem Solving approach (see also www.thinkkids.org), which views temper tantrums as a delay in the development of emotion regulation skills and works on building those skills. Jed Baker's No More Meltdowns is another great option with some similar ideas.
For general parenting -- including dealing with tantrums -- I love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. Dawson and Guare's Smart But Scattered helps with executive functioning skills-development of all types (emotional regulation is an executive function; others include things like organization and planning).
Oh, and I haven't made it all the way through it yet, but The Whole Brain Child has some good ideas on how to talk about distress tolerance with kids, e.g., "surfing the emotional waves."
Yes, all the time. My kids are 1 and 3. This book was good and helped me: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889/ref=sxl1?qid=1463775586&amp;sr=1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65
In addition to all these wonderful suggestions, I'd like to recommend a book.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1408849554&amp;robot_redir=1
Most libraries have a copy. I am not a big parenting book person, but this book has a lot of good suggestions in it.
https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
I would really recommend this it has provided an indispensable resource for me and has been used by multiple psychologists I have seen.
You mentioned the happiness trap there are plenty more books by Russ Harris which I have found really useful check out his catalog and see if any others pick your fancy.
https://www.amazon.com/Dare-Anxiety-Stop-Panic-Attacks/dp/0956596258/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1524132229&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=dare
Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks
This is very good and sets out a really simple approach to panic attacks.
A big resounding YES! The environment can make or break a person.
That being said there is no way of knowing how that environment would have affected you, yes maybe you would be a badass right now or maybe you would be a traumatized broken shell of a person, better to believe that things are better off how they turned out.
You still want to become hardened? You can make changes in your life to do so, become a social worker, learn some krav maga, travel or move to a different city whenever you can afford it, etc.
Wanna get rid of the anxiety shit? I recommend a combination of CBT or ACT therapy (look for a therapist who specializes or buy a book at amazon) and nootropics.
Good on you to realize everyone around you is just a whiny rich kid, that automatically makes you more hardened than them, so there you go.
I totally understand your rant. I have been in the same situation hugs. I recommend this book http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912 and possibly a therapist who specializes in anxiety.
and this book: http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-There-Are-Mindfulness-ebook/dp/B0037B6QSY/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1394415608&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=wherever+you+go+there+you+are
Also, it helped me to do something that actually made me happy. Its hard when you are sort of just going to school and working because you aren't really living in the present.
When I used to live in a warm climate near the beach...that really helped because it was somewhere I loved to go and loved to be and I actually felt fulfilled. I'm stuck in frozen college land right now and I can't wait until I graduate.
As someone who struggles with anxiety, I suggest doing what I’ve started: invest time in digging out the root of your depression. IMO this sounds like a lot of self-talk, digging yourself into an idea of who you are or a problem you caused when in fact the issue is much more minute or even non-existent.
I’ve found cognitive therapy very helpful. It’s a great way to figure out a general prognosis of what kind of anxiety/depression you’re facing. You shouldn’t have to live your days cowering over this. I’m using this workbook currently and it’s already given me great insight as well as exercises while I search for a therapist. It may not be right for you, but perhaps a good start.
Hookup culture is full of expectations, but it sounds like you honestly got a cool dude. Don’t fret: based on your account of events you did a great job of pleasing him and making his night.
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Dr Edmund Bourne is my favorite. It’s gotten me through many hard times.
https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912
Good luck on your journey. When I started mine, my anxiety was to high to join a group. Doctor recommended a workbook. Worked through it and it was great. Can't recommend it enough. Around $45. but seen it used for under $10.
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
https://www.amazon.ca/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912
CBT changed my life rapidly. Sometimes just hearing your thoughts diffuses them.
I have been on almost everything, and I find celexa (citalapram) to have manageable side effects, but’s it’s still not great in terms of weight gain and fatigue. I’ve recently had a lot of success with CBD hemp oil (becoming legal in Canada soon).
Other than that, this is the best advice I can give :
I shined lights in my eyes purposely to dialate pupils to cause alarm, but train myself that physiological responses are not cause for panic. I would take the bus for one stop, or the elevator one floor. Start small. Celebrate wins. I’m working up to getting back on a plane.
No shower near? Hold ice. Pop an Ativan. Hug someone.
I find panic is like a peanut allergy. If I let it get out of hand and have a massive meltdown, it gets worse each time.
.
You have the classic symptoms of social anxiety. Start by gradually introducing new experiences into your life. You can begin slowly by visiting a store by yourself and not buying anything. You have to start somewhere so figure out your current comfort level and push it a little.
The second thing I would recommend is frequent exercise especially if you don't do any sports. An alternative activity to keep you busy (and make money) would be a part time job that would work around your school schedule. You have to think in a positive manner if you want to change your behavior. I have always considered myself socially anxious yet I started cashiering at a major grocery store chain today and I did fine. A few months ago the idea of interacting with 40+ new people each day would have sent me running in the opposite direction. Now I see it as a way to stay productive and make some extra money while I'm going to college.
I would recommend this book for tips on reducing anxiety naturally.
Feel free to respond to this or send me a PM if you want to talk. It would be cool to mentor someone that is around my age (I just graduated high school).
tl;dr Beating anxiety takes work but the payoff is worth it
Good for you for having the courage to post on here. As a fellow anxiety sufferer, absolutely exercise will help with symptoms. I highly recommend you get a copy of this book and work through it. It has great info not only on exercise but many other strategies you can use to help yourself. I can't recommend it enough, literally changed my life.
I think the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Dr. Edmund J. Bourne is crucial for anyone with anxiety. It has been so helpful for me.
It sounds like you need to focus on your anxiety, my friend. Learning to handle anxiety has a massive positive impact on people suffering from Emetophobia; for one thing, one of the more common symptoms of anxiety is nausea! That's one hell of a catch-22 right there.
If your employer covers it, I'd recommend seeing a therapist. It helped me tremendously, and you can start on some cognitive behavioral theapy (CBT). Failing that, the [anxiety and phobia workbook] (http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912) is a very good starting spot as well, and if you commit to working through it, you'll start to notice improvements.
I can tell you for a fact that it can, and if you resolve to work at it, will get better. I used to flee at the thought of someone feeling slighly ill, and last night was able to comfort my heavily nauseated girlfriend without too much jitterying and hand-washing. It's a slow progression, but it definitely gets better. Hang in there.
I'd love some input too being in a similar situation as well. I've been looking for a solution that doesn't involve medication because I don't want to screw up my body's natural hormone levels so I might end up buying this book; from reading the reviews it seems to have helped out a lot of people.
Yes! This! I've been using this (albeit slowly) but it's very easy to understand and helps a lot: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572248912
These are good ones:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-Through-Depression/dp/1593851286/
http://www.amazon.com/Compassionate-Mind-Approach-Lifes-Challenges/dp/1572248408/
http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4/
The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness
Have you tried mindful meditation? I've found this book quite interesting: The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-Through-Depression/dp/1593851286/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&amp;colid=3BXGNNETPG82N&amp;coliid=I2RQNKSQNXA1PW
I'm not a doctor, but that sounds pretty definitely like dysthemia or even major depression. If you can bring yourself to do it, do try and find a therapist who can help you out, especially if you have insurance or go to a college that has student psychological services.
What you are going through is perfectly normal for depression. It's not your fault or your failing, it's a condition that can happen to anyone, no matter how good their life seems. It's an illness, and without the proper treatment and knowledge--which no person can be reasonably expected to figure out on their own--it's extremely difficult to overcome. With professional help, though, it can be overcome, and you can get your life back.
If a therapist isn't an option, I highly recommend finding a local depression support group if possible, and getting ahold of The Mindful Way Through Depression somehow. It will open up your eyes and help free you from the burden of the self-loathing that accompanies depression, and it will give you some great tools for coping with it on a day-to-day basis.
Hey! Have you tried any of the preventatives that people tend to recommend here: Magnesium, Riboflavin, Coq10? I've been taking magnesium and coq10 steadily for a few months. The frequency of my migraines hasn't really diminished, but the severity definitely has. I can now be a functional member of society while having a migraine...if I have to.
I know how awful it is. I also know how misunderstood it is. I try to keep friends around me who understand. Those who don't I just have to remind myself, "This is really about them and not me." If a friend thinks I'm flaky because I cancel plans due to a migraine, I let them think that.
As for jobs...have you considered going into something where you can freelance or set your own hours? That's what I do. It helps me feel more normal. Most of my friends are graphic designers or web designers, and they tend to have more sympathy than my friends who have 9-5 desk jobs.
And as for hormones. I get both hormonal migraines and wtf-whenever-migraines. Are you on birth control? I stopped taking hormonal bc years ago to work on balancing my hormones on my own. This book has been amazing. Over the course of a year, it helped me identify a hormone problem that is causing at least some of my migraines.
That's all I've got. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
Read: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. Read it last year when trying to get pregnant, but I learned so much about my reproductive cycle and felt embarrassed that I hadn't already known it by age 34...I really cannot recommend this book enough!
She apparently also wrote a book for young girls just starting their periods, etc. I am so buying that for every friend's daughter that I know!
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Fertility-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0060881909/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1347717778&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=taking+charge+of+your+fertility
A good description of wu wei from a non-Taoist, western perspective is the Flow by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi.
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
From the wiki:
> In an interview with Wired magazine, Csíkszentmihályi described flow as "being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you're using your skills to the utmost."[12]
I'll give you some books to use as a starting point. You want to start out as generally as possible and then follow what interests you. Someone can give you a list of top books, but if they don't fascinate you enough to really dig in deep and reflect on them to sate your own curiosity, you'll just be scratching the surface. I don't care what it is, you can make money anywhere in the markets. So starting generally will help you find out what direction to go.
So, that said, these are the ones I'd recommend starting out with
https://www.amazon.com/Market-Wizards-Updated-Interviews-Traders/dp/1118273052
https://www.amazon.com/Reminiscences-Stock-Operator-Edwin-Lef%C3%A8vre/dp/0471770884
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1400063515/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0684840073/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0809045990/
Some less conventional ones I really liked
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1578645018/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1422121038/
Chaos theory describes some properties that pop up again and again in markets. I really liked this one.
https://www.amazon.com/Deep-Simplicity-Bringing-Order-Complexity/dp/140006256X
I also highly recommend finding a few good books on behavioral investing, just to get acquainted with the common mistakes investors make (how you can avoid them, and how you can exploit them). I don't have a lot here because the books I read are outdated and you can find better. So one example:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470067373/
But in general reading about psychology will help you understand the world better, and that's always a good thing.
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
My best work in technology usually happens when I'm not grinding away at something, but when I have time to step back and see the bigger picture and think about alternatives and what I'm really trying to accomplish in code, process, or architecture. Once you know that, it's easier to look away for a little while rather than trying to grind through every problem purely through spending time at the keyboard. Also, it's taken me a while to accept that I have physical and mental limits - we all do - that I can push at times, but can't push indefinitely without breaking myself or something else. The book "Flow" gave me a lot of useful perspective about how to structure thinking and working time to do the most good while doing the least damage.
Reading:
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1509714539&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=flow+mihaly+csikszentmihalyi
He sounds like a man who is really struggling with who he is. It's not only that he's depressed but right now he probably doesn't see anything good for himself in this world. He probably feels awful about himself. When you are unhappy with who you are, you will have a tough time to be happy with someone else.
There is a great book called Flow and I think it's an absolute must for him (and for you perhaps). Reading the book and internalizing what I read really helped me break a bad cycle of depressions.
I'm pretty analytical and one aspect of meditation that is understated or perhaps not understood as well as it should be, is it's connection to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's Flow theory.
In Mihaly's Flow, he states this interesting fact:
>At this point in our scientific knowledge we are on the verge of being able to estimate how much information the central nervous system is capable of processing. It seems we can manage at most seven bits of information—such as differentiated sounds, or visual stimuli, or recognizable nuances of emotion or thought—at any one time, and that the shortest time it takes to discriminate between one set of bits and another is about 1/18 of a second. By using these figures one concludes that it is possible to process at most 126 bits of information per second, or 7,560 per minute, or almost half a million per hour. Over a lifetime of seventy years, and counting sixteen hours of waking time each day, this amounts to about 185 billion bits of information. It is out of this total that everything in our life must come—every thought, memory, feeling, or action. It seems like a huge amount, but in reality it does not go that far.
After understanding this, I realized that the benefit of meditation, when it comes to increasing your ability to focus your attention, comes from decreasing the unnecessary clutter/chaos of your wandering mind that ends up wasting your available processing power.
Philosophically I would say that this sort of mindset of developing/controlling your focus and attention is also strongly connected to Stoicism, where the life worth living is one lived virtuously and not getting hung up on things that are out of your control.
What you are describing is called "Flow" and there are several books on this topic, the most important one is this one: https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
It is, and the harder you try to get into the zone the further away you get.
There's about 20 years of research on the concept of flow, I would highly suggest reading Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's seminal novel Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience if you're interested in how it actually works.
I want to read it too! Of course like the other person said, the book won't change your life, but what you do with the knowledge the book offers you. If you're interested in self help books you might also be interested in Flow by by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. He's one of the people that helped setup positive psychology. I'm still in the beginning, but I already had a major break through before chapter 1! Highly recommended.
Amazon links are totally cool...we just discourage affiliate marketing in this sub.
Here's your link:
>https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1487549634&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=flow
If I'm not mistaken, that "UTF8&qid=" in an Amazon link means that the URL has an affiliate account code built in. Thought since you posted the link it might be your affiliate account.
BUT...somebody else please chime in if I'm wrong about the code. Been a while since I dabbled in Amazon affiliate marketing, and I'm sure there have been changes.
Flow is just something that happens when preparedness and skill level is closely tracking difficulty level. Ever read [this?] (https://smile.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202/)
I don't want to promote myself as a definitive cheerleader because honestly this is just a username I chose semi-randomly when I joined Reddit like most people do, but the concepts are really interesting because the implication is that being under-challenged and over-challenged do not lead to flow. Which can serve as a kind of guideline on both how to roll (and who to roll) and more generally, on how to live your life--pursuing challenges not just because you think you're supposed to, or because there is some great reward at the end, but because the process itself will tend to be more engaging and kind of meditative if you do.
If you have Netflix there's a documentary called Happy that's all about this. Very informative. We're hard-wired to search for the next thing. Once our basic needs are covered we still feel like something is missing. I don't think it's necessarily a midlife thing except that's usually when people notice it I suppose.
People who are happy in their life have what's called flow. Dunno if you're a reader but the book I'm currently reading explains it better than I could.
Hope that helps :)
I don't know his specific situation. For option 1, read this book: Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Learn how to enjoy anything. You don't have to read the whole thing; Just cherry pick the chapters that seem applicable to you.
Great share. Thanks.
I recommend anyone interested in the idea of being "in the zone" and its importance read up on the work of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. He is the father of the concept of "flow" in psychology and the book to read is called Flow from 1990 (but it's truly timeless stuff).
Have you read the book? I had a psychology professor assign it for reading back in the day and I was always grateful to have been introduced to this concept. It's good to be in a flow state of mind.
That's why I aerial dance and rock climb and ski. With these activities you'd better "flow"..... or you could die.
The suggestions from /u/random (wow that username!) are both great books and you should also check out Ralph Koster's A Theory of Fun for Game Design. Though not specific to game design, you might also be interested in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
>Finding work that is meaningful is crucial for me.
The work isn't meaningful. You make it meaningful by the way of doing it. Wanna learn how? Read this.
If you haven't already, I'd recommend reading Sex At Dawn, which theorises that non-reproductive sexual hedonism among humans, was originally a means of reinforcing social cohesion and intimacy among relatively small, band-sized groups. While lame attempts have been made to debunk it, (mainly because it is accused of being anti-feminist, which is absurd; if anything it is pro-feminist because it advocates a scenario where women are allowed to actually enjoy sex) the amount of anthropological evidence it presents is impressive, and it is also consistent with my own observations.
It's also the single best explanation for the existence of homosexuality that I've encountered yet; and also explains why gay men at least, are often highly promiscuous. It's because within the homosexual context, sex is more or less entirely social in purpose. The point is to mutually generate positive feelings with someone, not to reproduce.
You'll be surprised how many people cheat, and how fluid morals can get in many situations, even in the most conservative of societies.
You can be in the most loyal, most loving of relationships for decades, and yet all you (both man and woman) need is a skin-deep trigger to jump into bed with someone else.
Do read "Sex at Dawn". Fascinating insights.
If you're interested in evolution and human sexuality, you should read this. It's called Sex at Dawn, and it's one of the first books on the subject.
Anybody interested in this topic should read the book Sex at Dawn - it's a book about human sexuality (especially prehistoric sexuality) and the author compares us and our ancestors to bonobos a lot.
Disclaimer: I'll be talking my own experiences in hopes of helping you understand yours (as much as I can at least, because I'm far from healthy myself)
You sound like me, and I sound like this. I need to see a therapist about this and I'm not going to try to say that I know why you feel the way you do, but I do know how you feel.
Before I write anything else my biggest advice is never satisfy that fear of being alone with a committed relationship. And understand our species sexuality before getting into a committed relationship. I recommend Sex At Dawn, there's an audio book on audible too. The reason I say this is because I felt for years and years that if I found that right person I'd be happy. And when I did I was. And now I feel trapped and imprisoned and too scared for fear of the pain it will cause to do anything about it. I rushed into it because of my fear of being alone, and the fact that I get shockingly attached to new relationships. Sorry for the tangent but I don't want to see others make such mistakes.
I've realized things about myself (like codependency issues) that explain a lot about me. And I realized that I have been seeking to ease my own pain through alcohol, weed (its been about 4 years now though), and relationships. I recommend you learn about yourself with the help of a therapist. There's no shame in that at all. It takes quite a bit of courage to be honest.
I know what you mean about the attached/detached thing, they talk about it in the codependency link I shared. It's not healthy though. I know the feeling of meeting a girl, getting her contact, then as soon as we part ways I feel sick to my stomach with missing her and anxiety. I am very detached however with a lot of family members, like I can't express myself. It very debilitating.
Lastly, for now at least, don't be afraid to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people. You don't have to be everyone's friend but I find it very helpful to just talk to new people. Go out by yourself with the intention of having a good time - not to get laid, or make a friend, but just have a good time. If you talk a girl/guy and they reject you smile and wish them the best (verbally or non-verbally). If you get a weird look from someone laugh about it - odds are they are going through their own shit. They are not the "normal police" out to find people going through something.
There's so much more I'd like to say but it's getting long, but it helps me to write this shit out so I don't mind at all.
https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1473313229&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=sex+at+dawn
This book is on the anthropology of sexuality with a lot of strong evidence that suggests humans were historically polyamorous by nature (pre-agriculture) and that the rise of patriarchy and monogamy are firmly rooted in the shift from nomadic hunter-gatherer tribes to settled people with something "worth" fighting over.
Read books about cultures you've never encountered before.
I read an illustrated edition of Charles Darwin's Voyage of the Beagle (this one, to be precise). The writing, the observations, and the information contained in that book are all incredibly fascinating and made for great worldbuilding inspiration.
I also enjoyed Sex at Dawn which played an important role in the cultural development of my world (regarding attitudes toward sex, sexuality, childrearing).
I also highly recommend Good to Eat. It discusses the culture and history of food-- why some foods were adopted and became widespread, why some weren't, why some were controversial across cultures. Understanding why different cultures adopt and prefer certain kinds of foods is really important and interesting, and this book presents it in an enjoyable way.
Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.
Delusions of Gender
Sex at Dawn
Bro, do you even read?
For thoughts and scientific perspectives on this very issue, I really recommend the book "Sex at Dawn" by Jetha and Ryan. Great, great read.
Amazon link
Two things:
Don't be afraid to ask about it. Usually, something along the lines of "I noticed you're listed as seeing someone else, are you still looking for more people to date?" should suffice. Communication and transparency is paramount to the majority of poly people.
Secondly, if you've never been in a situation where polyamory is on the table, do some research; read this stuff:
Opening Up
The Ethical Slut
Sex at Dawn
Good luck!
loads of christians in the lifestyle but we leave politics and religion at the door...you should too. As far as being compatible with Christianity, the bible is full of multiple wives, brothers taking over deceased brothers wives and all manner of lasciviousness. My POV...99% of the sex you have in life isn't for the purpose of making babies it is for pleasure, God wouldn't have made orgies so much fun if She didn't intend for us to partake. Church doctrine is BS made up by men to control the flock. Look into the book Sex at Dawn for a little history on how sex USED to be viewed. The idea of monogamy is relatively recent
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1452562585&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=sex+at+dawn
This is one of the best books I've read in the last 5 years. There's not a party or bar conversation I don't leave without this book coming up. Incredibly thorough information, they take common knowledge, show you the evidence to refute it, and then present their theory, then back it up with plenty of more evidence. Well written, easy to read, pro healthy sex, I recommend this to everyone I know.
Buy it
I've heard some people say that Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan is a good book; but I've also heard people say it's poorly written, so see for yourself. I haven't read it, personally.
I believe is this book "How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" instead? I have read the "how to win friends and influence people" It is absolute amazing.
100% agree with you!
Try reading this book.
Touching the face can indicate that the person is uneasy, lying, or has an itch. You need to read this action together with other 'micro expressions' if you want to get closer to their real intentions.
Try reading The Definitive Book of Body Language, It's essentially the de-facto book on body language.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553804723/ref=mp_s_a_1_sc_1?qid=1414003863&amp;sr=8-1-spell&amp;pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70
The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are - Alan Watts
Alan Watts - The Book (on the taboo against knowing who you are)
..and Buddhism - The Religion of No Religion
>The individual may be understood neither as an isolated person nor as an expendable humanoid working machine. He may be seen, instead , as one particular focal point at which the whole universe express itself---as an incarnation of the Self, of the Godhead, or whatever one may choose to call IT
>- Alan Watts, The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are, pg. 78 (1989)
Hi
Please, read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Book-Taboo-Against-Knowing-Who/dp/0679723005
you can even find kindle/pdf versions online.
Why am I suggesting this?
This book is a great "mind opener" on totally different models of comprehension of Divinity, and is pretty much "atheism backwards compatible" just like most zen-Buddhism. Try it!
My favorite of all time is The Book: On the taboo against knowing who you are
I'd recommend The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are.
Alan Watts. http://www.amazon.com/Book-Taboo-Against-Knowing-Who/dp/0679723005/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1372865900&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=0679723005
I highly recommend his book http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-Taboo-Against-Knowing/dp/0679723005
I'd suggest: The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are
Alan Watts is not light reading, nor necessarily uplifting, but is very introspective and may help some people out of dark times and find some inner peace.
Alan Watts - pretty much anything, but especially "The Book on The Taboo against knowing who you are." [links:
Amazon, PDF]
Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson.
Programming and Metaprogramming in the Human Biocomputer: Theory and Experiments by John C. Lilly.
Both of those can be found for free with a quick google search.
Science and Sanity: An Introduction to Non-Aristotelian Systems and General Semantics by Alfred Korzybski.
The Archaic Revival: Speculations on Psychedelic Mushrooms, the Amazon, Virtual Reality, UFOs, Evolution, Shamanism, the Rebirth of the Goddess, and the End of History by Terence McKenna.
The Diary of a Drug Fiend by Aleister Crowley.
The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts.
This is a start.
Alan Watts - The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are
http://www.amazon.ca/The-Book-Taboo-Against-Knowing/dp/0679723005
And time.
You've started down the right path, and at the same time there is no right path. No person, no book, no movie can really tell you how letting go of your ego is done. Because no two people are the same. There may be a moment where something clicks and you 'get it'. There may be a few of those moments. There may be not a single one. It could be laid out in front of you in the clearest of writing, and it might make no difference. It's something that is lived through.
You won't really know once you've gotten there either. It is a slow, constant process.
And keep in mind it's a process every single one of us is involved in. In our own way. Each in our own heads, but together :)
Just finished reading The Book myself. What an awesome read! Whenever I read I like to highlight passages I want to revisit later. Pretty sure more than 50% of my copy is highlighted :)
The Sociopath Next Door is a pretty fascinating book on Sociopaths.
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1370808043&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=the+sociopath+next+door
From a functional standpoint, there isn't much need to pin down sociopathy vs. psychopathy if he has a diagnosis of ASPD. In addition, you mention that he never actually killed anyone, and that's actually the norm for sociopaths/psychopaths. Very very few kill people. You might want to read this book about the sociopaths we encounter in our daily lives, as well as this other book about living with toxic parents and how to heal from the trauma they inflict. I particularly recommend the second book, I have recommended it to many of my patients (I'm a social worker) as well as friends and I have read it myself, it helped me cope with being raised by parents with subclinical narcissistic personality disorder in an emotionally abusive home.
I was reading a book about sociopaths and the author said that when asked, one particular sociopath told her what he wanted from people was pity so he could manipulate them.
[https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+sociopath+next+door&qid=1564281679&s=gateway&sr=8-18]
Tigers can't change their stripes.
Why Does He Do That?
The Sociopath Next Door
These two, if you haven't read them, are game changers. And your friend will need a copy on standby.
Tigers can't change their stripes.
Read this book Psychopaths are rarely serial killers. They are more often teachers, doctors, psychologists, CEO's, and politicians bc they love power.
Forgiving is not forgetting. I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It goes into this subject with great detail, and it helped me get through some very difficult times with my narcissistic mother.
They have general and more specific versions. I highly HIGHLY recommend reading it.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
I can't offer any advice - only empathy.
My oldest son recently graduated - barely.
He got into a crowd that did a lot of drugs. He started smoking a lot more weed and the harder stuff came.
He'd been stealing for years but we never noticed it.
After some domestic violence issues we told him he had a week after he turned 18 to find another place to live.
He's now living with my exwife - his mother. I was hoping that getting away from some of his more influential friends would help derail a few things but he seems determined to continue in that direction despite his future being in jeopardy.
I have no solution for you. No solace.
This book gave me a whole new perspective on my role in his life.
Good luck.
i highly recommend the book called boundaries. while i'm not religious in any sense it was a good book to help me better understand my mother and why she cannot just say no to my sister and others.it might help your fiancé and also congrats on your wedding.
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1452202838&amp;sr=8-2&amp;keywords=boundaries+learning+to+say+no
It does seem like a big deal, and you're right to feel exhausted.
So here's my advice - you have to find a way to stop giving a shit.
I know that sounds facile and a bit like an asshole, but its the truth. Your sister is a grown adult who is being shielded from the consequences of her actions on a regular basis. I understand that everyone wants to help - your mom, you, the driving, the medical card, the tuxedo.
It sounds to me like you were raised in a family not unlike my own. I've come to realize recently, through therapy and a lot of introspection, that I internalized the idea that love = taking care of someone. And while that's not untrue, it puts you in the position you're in now. Protecting your sister from her choices, instead of letting it be her own problem. And I get it too, you know the fallout from not helping, when she really screws something up and ends up in a bad spot. I've also been on the receiving end of it too, and realize how it has affected me.
I often recommend people on here to read the book Boundaries. It has a religious slant, but even if that's not your thing it is very useful.
You cannot change your sister (or your mother, for that matter). But what you can change is how you let it all affect you.
Boundaries, this book has helped me SO much. It helped with self-esteem somewhat as well because I finally felt like I could say NO.
Edit: Forgot to note it has a lot of "christian" talk in it. I just ignored it and applied it to my life and it was fine.
>why does he continue to fucking do this
Because he can. Your mother never left him. Your brother lives with him. You returned home to him. Has his alcoholism cost him anything that he really cares about?
You might find these two books helpful.
Codependent No More
Boundaries
>As passionate as you are about needing tons and tons of practice to become a good player, that just isn't the case.
This is dead wrong. Good players, including the greatest ones we've all heard of, put an unbelievable number of hours into pool. They weren't just born with some innate talent that makes them able to visualize cuts or have steady hands. What separates top tier from the rest isn't genetic and it isn't how much money they spent gambling. It's work, and having more opportunities to put hours on the table. It really is that simple.
You should check out a book called Outliers.
BTW, We don't disagree that focused practice is better than dicking around... that's absolutely true.
But the way you play in tournaments/gambling is not practice at all. It's not geared towards learning new skills. It isn't about improving your stroke, or trying new shots. It's 100% geared towards "don't lose".
That means if you have a new and unfamiliar shot you could try, or a safe familiar way... you'll pick the familiar way every time.
If you're trying to fix your stroke and it means holding the cue differently, and you don't feel comfortable and miss a ball... you'll revert right back to your old stance.
And if you have a shot you know is right, but you suck at it, you won't take it.
In tournaments and gambling, you won't work on your weaknesses, shoot shots you hate, or try options you're scared of... not with your money and pride on the line. Anyone who spends most of their pool time doing this stuff will improve more slowly and probably lose a bunch of money in the process than someone who just does focused practice every week.
It's longer than you think though when it comes to youth hockey development.
Malcom Gladwell begins his book "Outliers" discussing a game between the Medicine Hat Tigers and Vancouver Giants and noticing a large number of the 'top' players are early birthdays (ie, JAN/FEB/MAR). Why? Likely the 'outlying' factor is that because of their age they've matured, physically, a little quicker and thus have the strength to dominate other players in their age class. Thus, they outperform the others, get on more select/varsity/elite clubs, get more advanced training, coaching, attention and thus have a higher likelihood of succeeding.
Does that mean they're more talented? Not necessarily. But Gladwell argues that at a young age the early birthday gives the kids a huge head-start on the others.
PLD is born in June, FWIW.
Malcolm Gladwell discussed this in the excellent book Outliers.
https://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outliers_(book)
His treatment is nuanced. If I remember correctly, he argues that wealthy families tend to produce successful children because of a culture within the family that teaches that obstacles can be overcome.
Gladwell describes specific cases of people proven to be possessed of exceedingly high IQ's that allowed themselves to be stymied by obstacles. And he sites cases of people with less intellectual endowment that managed to find success after overcoming many obstacles because they saw obstacles as something to deal with rather than something to be defeated by.
I suppose that not being beat up by poverty in youth might help one to avoid feeling that one was destined to be a victim.
i read it in a book called outliers by malcolm gladwell. great book, def recommend.
https://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930
For me? Repetition.
Repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition ad infinitum.
When I study I use insane repetition to beat the information into my head.
For instance, when I need to memorize a table or diagram, I draw it multiple times a day, every day, until I can draw it from memory without help. This is how I memorized the "crosswalk" for the project management professional exam (http://imgur.com/a/An7K7).
When I need to memorize a set of items, I turn it into a sentence. Please Do Not Take Stupid People Anywhere helps me remember the 7 layers of the OSI model in networking.
When I need to remember definitions and facts, I write them multiple times on paper and on notecards. LPTinaLPT: Cut notecards in half or thirds, punch a hole in them in the same place, and keep them together with a book ring. You now have a nifty keychain study guide that you can flip through whenever you have free time.
And, of course, if you're memorizing a formula of any sort, doing endless problem sets is the way to remember what comes out of it.
Also, go read "Outliers" (https://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930) it's what finally made studying, of all things, click for me. Just wish I'd read it before college!
I think a lot of people believe that your intelligence is whatever it is, and that you can't change it. I think those people are wrong and probably don't deserve whatever intellectual spark they were gifted with. That said, let's review what you want to learn.
Super fast with math
Amazing with:
spelling
grammar
and large words
Great at deciphering puzzles
winning board games like:
scrabble
chess
I'm going to go the boring route and cite a book I haven't read myself: Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell (http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017930). There's a much-used quote in it that says to become an expert at anything, do it for 10,000 hours. At least I think there is. To save both you and I the trouble of propagating bullshit we haven't read, we'll pull a quote from the study the book was based on off the internet:
"Our research shows that even the most gifted performers need a minimum of ten years (or 10,000 hours) of intense training before they win international competitions. In some fields the apprenticeship is longer: It now takes most elite musicians 15 to 25 years of steady practice, on average, before they succeed at the international level." (https://hbr.org/2007/07/the-making-of-an-expert)
So I think it's important that you understand that no one makes a 10,000 hour slog through anything without loving it first. So either find a reason to love the activities you mentioned above or move on to find others you will.
Now I'm going to get really anecdotal with you. I'm not a genius, but I love puzzles and puzzle games, I played chess as a child and used to be pretty good (it's been years now, however) but I generally love finding new puzzles and writing mental algorithms to solve them. This is very relaxing for me; when I am troubled or stressed, I often find myself doing minor arithmetic in my head because it calms me down and helps me feel like I'm imposing order on the world. Which sounds creepy now that I've typed it out.
There are plenty of videos on Youtube about fast calculation tricks (http://www.glad2teach.co.uk/fast_maths_calculation_tricks.htm). I've found that playing with numbers in your head (I frequently look at license plates and phone numbers and create math problems from them) makes you begin to understand the relationships between numbers. I think a lot about factoring numbers in to primes-- in fact, think about what you think about right now. If you want to do math quickly in your head, you're probably going to need to switch what you're thinking about to math.
Being good with grammar and spelling and words is actually easier, by comparison. Just read, all the time. The longer you read, the more you read, the more grammar will simply write itself on your neurons. You'll get used to seeing the words, and you'll recall them, and how they fit together. Again, love these things, or find a reason to love them.
Chess is its own deep well. Scrabble likely is, too, and probably well beyond just knowing big words. I spent many hours in a library as a kid trying to read and understand chess move notation but never being willing to read through it and trace the moves on the board so it would become natural in my head to imagine where pieces were being placed.
I think that's kind of the guts of the problem; if you want expertise or genius or whatever you call it, you have to start from a deep love of the thing you are pursuing. That love will drive you to read and learn and think about the things you love, which will in turn drive you deeper in to those things.
It's important that you approach this measuredly; if you hate what you're doing, you'll stop. If what you're reading is boring, you'll stop. Always try to find what's interesting about it to you, and stick to it. Day in and day out, just keep doing these things and loving them and you'll make it through.
The other answers here are all very good. Here are some books that can maybe help address your question:
Talent is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else by Geoff Colvin
The Practicing Mind: Developing Focus and Discipline in Your Life - Master Any Skill or Challenge by Learning to Love the Process by Thomas M. Sterner
Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell
I hope this one isn’t too obvious, but In my own opinion, Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell is a must. This is the famous 10,000 hours theory of how if you put this much time towards actively learning something, you can become an expert at it. There is plenty of real world examples and references, like the Beatles, Wayne Gretzky, Bill Gates, Tiger Woods, and so on. Not only is it extremely interesting, but there were aspects of this book that I have been able to apply to other parts of my life besides work.
Outliers
I don't know that police/local government in a deep south town is going to consider this child abuse at all. I suspect it would do little to help OP's situation.
OP - try to find out the name of the camp. Then go online and research it, see if you can find others who have attended, what you can expect on arrival.
It's a really unpleasant thing to have to discover at such a young age that your family cannot be relied upon to support you, especially in times like this when you are the center of negative attention from others. Try not to let it get you down. Remember that before this, you had a good relationship with your parents. You may be able to get back to that - especially because they want that, too.
What others have posted about enduring is probably the best strategy. It sounds like other than being bigots, your parents haven't been abusive, and hopefully won't go that direction if presented with a world that makes them happy.
I'm not saying lie, but you may be able to convince them you were just 'being confused'. Remember, they want to believe all this deconversion/de-gay stuff works. You only have a few more years of school before college, so try the following, all of which I consider to be good advice for anyone:
Put some time and effort into becoming a well-rounded person. Have a full life. If nothing else, it can lead to successes that your parents, if they care at all (and it sounds like they do) will have to consider when sending you off to de-gay-my-kid camp. "Well, we could send him to ex-gay camp again this summer, but won't that interfere with ____ ?" "Yes, you are right... we can try skipping the camp this summer; that __ will help him get into a good school."
What I mean by that is, let's say you get into programming. You start doing websites for friends of the family, dad's employer, whatever. Maybe you and your dad attend a local meetup about some programming language, etc and you are able to talk with people working in the field. You do some hobby projects, maybe contribute to a volunteer group ... basically you find something (programming in my example) that you can be good at and kinda enjoy and you GO FOR IT. You put time and effort and get good.
I use programming as an example because it is easy to get into, but there are lots of options. It depends on YOU and what you find interesting.
Read books. Seriously. Not just fun books, but books like this :
There are a LOT of people studying and writing about how to be successful in life. Study. Read. Learn. It will give you an advantage over anyone in your age group that you are even aware of that. If you read something like Outliers and take it to heart, it will literally put you years ahead of someone who doesn't. I'm only listing a few, but there are lots of books out there. Amazon is your friend, most have kindle editions that can be read without a special device, just use the cloud reader. There is some useless stuff in the self-help/motivational section, so research the book, read professional reviews, etc etc as well as the Amazon user reviews. Develop skepticism and a mind capable of weighing evidence, and then form your own opinions.
Overall, though, the idea is to show your parents a kid that is succeeding at life. Try to let the gay issue go away, and endure. Remember what someone else posted - your parents love you and the problem only arises because they have some really messed up ideas about gender, sexual orientation, etc. that they have gotten from the church. They think they are saving your from a Great Evil. Respect them for good intentions, if that makes sense. I've known people with parents who didn't care about their kids at all and were frankly horrible, terrible people that I would never trust with a child. As bad as things seem now, your parents do love you and that's a great foundation for the future. Just try to show them your best face, a successful child, and build confidence that they have done a good job raising you.
College and adulthood hold the promise of freedom, independence, and the support of your peers. It's really quite a nice world out here.
edit: added some to the 2nd from last paragraph
Have you read Outliers ? You should consider it. It makes the argument that IQ and "talent" are much less important than working hard once you reach a certain level (say a 120 I.Q). So while the men may be more "talented" the women are in end much more successful. I dont see how the hardest workers working their way to the top lowers standards. There are many super intelligent people in shitty jobs because they dont have the drive, and slightly less intelligent people who actually contribute to society.
edit: I love blatant sexism is allowed in this thread but I make a comment about how talent doesnt really exist and I'm voted down. makes sense.
It's just a dream tracker and a dream diary. I keep two different "collections" as bullet journal calls it. A collection (or page) starts as just an open two page spread in your journal. Start on the left side, add a title at the top and start writing. And the cool part is you reserve the first two to four pages of the journal as a topic page or table of contents. Then go and put a note on the T.O.C. page at the front of the journal so you can remember what page it's on. For your collection if you need more pages than that, you just go to the next blank open two pages and add those page numbers next to the topic on the index page. It's really easy and as an organizational system you can apply it to anything you're trying to keep track of.
You don't have to buy that specific journal BTW, admittedly it's kind of expensive ($24 US) but it's really nice quality plus it has the instructions/guide to how to use it in the back. But you can grab any old journal lying around the house and watch their YouTube videos to get the strategy.
So the first collection (page, spread, whatever you want to call it) is just titled "Dream Journal" at the top. Write today's date and quick notes on what the dream was about. I'm much more minimal than the fancy handwriting and elaboration example here. But I'm kind of OCD when it comes to lists and things. It helps me get it out of my head and relax but still be able to remember important details if I want to review them again later.
The second one to start is a "Lucid Dream Log" or tracker or whatever you want to call it. Start another two page spread. Make a straight list of the dates of the month down the left side of the page. It's also helpful to write the first letter of the day of the week just on the left or right side of the numbers. Sundays and Mondays I'm always thinking about work so it rarely happens then. Those kinds of things are helpful to notice so you don't get stressed out about it not happening "every day" possible. And I mark an X if I had one and next to it what reality checked worked. I have shorthand for my common ones, otherwise I write it out if something new happened and I that helps me remember it to see if that will work again. Usually it doesn't but hey. It helped me discover I can recognize a dream just by it being a strange scenario. For example looking at my hands never worked. But situations/context and the "this is so odd" feeling help me snap to.
If you've noticed other areas of your life or routine that either positively or negative affect your L.D. ability you can add a tracker for that. Kind of silly but say spicy food helps. You can start another two page spread, add the title to the T.O.C. and write another list of the days of the month down the left side, add the letter of the days of the week. Then add a column for "ate spicy food". Add any other columns that might also apply like gym, running, meditate, PMR, and put an x in that column when you do it. You can create an "avoid" tracker for positive reinforcement as well. Like heavy foods or alcohol are good to avoid in my opinion. They both inhibit remembering dreams and make falling right into a hard sleep a problem. So if you have a drink on Friday don't beat yourself up if you don't LD that night or even the next. Same thing if you eat a whole pizza (which I have done many times). Habit trackers are really easy and helpful in the BuJo (bullet journal, aka bullet points, aka fast journaling) system.
Even just doing the journaling and thinking about dreaming kind of makes it more accessible and vivid. If you haven't already read any books on the subject check out ones like Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming. Anything that is interesting and keeps your mind on it in an entertaining, fun, lighthearted way. Hope this helps! That was kind of a lot... :(
The first thing I would suggest is to slow down :)
Lucid dreaming is a fairly deep topic to just jump right into. A lot of people discover it and become super excited, but ultimately lose focus and stop trying altogether. The best thing you could do right now is start reading and taking in as much information as you possibly can in an organized manner.
I'd suggest visiting this site and completing the tutorial section. It explains one of the most common ways to achieve lucidity in a friendly, easy-to-read way. Buy or somehow "obtain" Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming by Stephen Laberge. It's a bit "out there" at times, but maintains a down-to-Earth feel more often than not.
Try to recall at least two dreams a night, but it sounds like you've got that down already. On that website, you'll learn that it's important/helpful to go back and rewrite the end of your dreams to include a section where you realize you're dreaming and become lucid (for whatever reason.)
Practice reality checks, but don't just go:
> Am I dreaming?
Do something along the lines of:
> Am I dreaming? What have I done in the last half-hour? What did I do before that? What did I have for breakfast?
If you practice the latter enough you'll eventually do the same in a dream.
Read your dream journals or read other peoples' lucid dreams and use that as inspiration to keep up your reality checks.
And have fun! Don't be discouraged if it takes you a day, week, or month to have your first lucid dream; Stephen Laberge said some of his students have taken a while to really master the concept, so take your time.
You have to focus on dream recollection, and after you can remember your dreams, you have to then start practicing lucidity. It actually isn't that difficult, it's more a matter of motivation and piecing things together at first then it is your actual memory. I already linked to the [lucid dreaming] (https://www.amazon.com/Exploring-World-Dreaming-Stephen-LaBerge/dp/034537410X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1512078155&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=exploring+the+world+of+lucid+dreaming) book before, and when I did it, it only took me a day or two to actually start being able to recall them, although it was slowly remembering pieces. Someone mentioned Astral Projection, and I do believe personally it's a real thing, but more a a meditation or form of lucid dreaming, not the spiritual bullshit. Just keep at it, get a book if you have to, but it really is something anyone can do. I have actually had two lucid dreams that I can remember, but both of them didn't last long. One I was a hockey player, and as soon as I realized I was dreaming Someone threw me into the side glass of the arena, the air horn went off and I immediately woke up. And in the other one I was a dinosaur sleeping under a tree, realized I wasn't actually a dinosaur, and then went back to sleep in the dream. Point is, is that when you do actually figure out how to lucid dream, you will get kicked out of it unless you practice, or know how to prevent that.
Read this book.
This answer is legit.
From Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming, by Stephen LaBerge: http://www.amazon.com/Exploring-World-Dreaming-Stephen-LaBerge/dp/034537410X
Also r/luciddreaming
All about Lucid Dreams. How to, sǝɔuǝıɹǝdxǝ, etc.
Please take discussions of the paranormal such as astral projection someplace else. Binaural beats are also inappropriate. Let's keep this in the realm of science.
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Some good ןɐıɹoʇnʇ links
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Lucid Dreaming Acronyms
LD - Lucid Dreaming - Being aware that you are dreaming while in a dream.
RC - Reality Check - A test to establish whether you are in a dream or waking life, actively done during the day in hopes that the habit will continue within dreams.
DC - Dream Character - Any personality you encounter other than yourself...well, occasionally it can also be yourself.
WBTB-Wake Back To Bed - Waking up for 20-30 minutes, then going back to bed increases the chances of lucid dreaming. Use that time to read about lucid dreaming or plan your dreams, and make your intention solid. Can be combined with other techniques.
MILD - Mnemonically Induced Lucid Dream - In short, MILD is telling yourself as you are in bed ready to sleep that you are going to become lucid when you dream, then visualizing yourself in a dream becoming lucid. Repeat until you fall asleep.
WILD - Wake-Induced Lucid Dream - A technique in which you maintain consciousness while your body falls asleep. Not for the squeamish.
FILD - Finger-Induced Lucid Dream - A technique using subtle finger movements as you fall asleep.
SSILD - Sense-Induced Lucid Dream - A technique where you use awareness of your various senses as you cycle through them while falling asleep.
False Awakening - False Awakening is in essence just dreaming that you woke up, only to usually immediately after either actually wake or have another dream of waking up from the previous dreams. Those can often happen multiple times in sequence. It can be a bit jarring but also fun. If those happen often use it to do a reality check every time you wake up (or think you do).
SP - Sleep Paralysis - A natural, safe part of the process of falling asleep which causes you to be unable to move your body. The paralysis process happens to you every time you go to sleep. When you WILD and experience SP, you are conscious while it happens. Sometimes you may be visited by the dream transition buddies--relax and enjoy the show until you can interact with your environment. Attempting to induce SP is NOT required to achieve lucidity.
This one is generally considered the best. I think it's exactly what you're looking for. I have it and it's helped me immensely.
Great book. Must read. Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming
Get this one instead, it is the definitive guide to Lucid Dreaming. Sorry, not available in ebook, and, no it's not mine.
http://www.amazon.com/Exploring-World-Dreaming-Stephen-Laberge/dp/034537410X
https://www.amazon.com/Exploring-World-Dreaming-Stephen-LaBerge/dp/034537410X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1506122659&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=lucid+dreaming
Really informative book on Lucid Dreaming and a lot of the techniques apply to expanding consciousness and mindfulness that served me as a good starting point to exploring more into this and other topics.
https://www.amazon.com/Wheels-Life-Chakra-System-Llewellyns/dp/0875423205/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1506122938&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=wheels+of+life
This was also another great book when I started looking into meditation and more mystical methodologies. It definitely is subjective but both are interesting reads!
Both are easily found online for free too.
Exploring the world of lucid dreaming
Here you go: https://www.amazon.com/Exploring-World-Dreaming-Stephen-LaBerge/dp/034537410X
Despite the fact that you burned to death...are these nightmares of the "wow, that was scary and weird" or the "my whole body is shaking and I can't sleep anymore" kind? For the last one I'd go see a specialist (can get ugly, can be nothing, though). For the first kind you could try to deal with them, trying to remember them actively, writing them down after you wake up, reading through these notes, recognizing patterns and stuff. I've started reading a book about lucid dreaming some time ago which suggested these things to be easier able to recognize that you're dreaming and, after that, taking control of the dream. Also, if you feel like having some writing skills, you could turn them into (short) stories.
I would recommend getting this book highly over just reading /r/LucidDreaming or tutorials. In fact the book strongly recommends getting to the point where you are journaling/remembering one dream a night and categorizing your dream signs before you even attempt any of the techniques to go lucid.
He states clearly if you do not practice your dream recall/journal then it will not only making doing the techniques difficult but even if you do manage to go lucid you probably won't remember when you wake up.
Meditation practice will also immensely help with your attention to detail and what is there.
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493
>What's Trump written that wasn't garbage?
https://www.amazon.com/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1465531535&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=art+of+the+deal
They actually did find a highly secretive book.
Ghost writers never take credit, so when Mr. Schwartz claims he did most of the work, he's readily admitting he was not a ghostwriter. Besides the fact Tony Schwartz's name appears right on the cover, so he's not a ghostwriter at all.
This is good. You are thinking. Now take it a little further, expand your thinking and ask yourself how many offers did she have to make before he accepted the one he wanted? link.
He is indeed bargaining. However he terribly sucks at bargaining. He should take a few hints here and there https://www.amazon.ca/Trump-Art-Deal-Donald-J/dp/0399594493
lol
Sir, there's a book you need to read.
Thank You for Arguing -- It's sort of a Cliff's Notes for rhetoric. Really interesting stuff.
The Definitive Book of Body Language -- If you practice a bit, these tells can really come in handy
The Definitive Book of Body Language
> he’s not a “psychopath” like some Joker wannabe, he’s just very outwardly charming and pleasant while having absolutely zero regard for people.
Reminds me of the book The Sociopath Next Door, which asserts that there are plenty of low-key sociopaths out there, and that they're equally likely to be dumb or lazy as the general population. (As opposed to a Machiavellian Evil Overlord.)
> Take a quick jaunt to prison if you wanna see how “unwanted babies” end up.
People with antisocial personality disorder represent 4% of the general population, according to the book 'The Sociopath Next Door. The percentage of people with antisocial personality disorder in prisons is as high as 80%. And it's not just antisocial personality disorder that is inheritable. Narcissistic personality disorder is as well, along with probably the rest of the cluster B personality disorders.
So people absolutely need to think long and hard before birthing the child of a rapist.
This is a really interesting read on the prevalence of sociopaths in our society. From bosses to neighbors to colleagues to politicans, I recommend it if you're interested in the subject from a doctors standpoint.
Have you read/listened to Charles Manson Now? It's pretty fascinating. I listen to the True Murder podcast while I'm at work, and I found out about it there. The audiobook isn't that spectacularly read, but it's interesting to say the least.
For Civil War historical fiction, I fell in love with the Sarah Prine series - These is my Words is the first in that series.
An interesting psych one would be The Sociopath Next Door
I will definitely have to check out James Ellroy! Thank you for the suggestions :)
Good Question,
Short answer; They won't be remedied and we will have problems if we just cut instead of reforming or reducing them, however the rest of the comments explain why they cost too much and the fact something needs to be done.
Long answer; We can't afford them as they currently exist, and they are examples of the federal bureaucracy that has inflated over the years. Unfortunately, most libertarians forget that other people are not principled ethical people like themselves and can't rationalize that society will devolve into savagery if we just ran a libertarian 'free market' system with no ethical controls from the government. They forget that there are cheats, criminals and douchebags that will lie, cheat and steal, and they are the very people that we want out of political office and some of the CEO's of major corporations. They ignore that we are an increasingly connected society and it just takes one or two unethical people to take down entire sectors of our world, and screw over a lot of innocent people now.
I.E. biggest guy, biggest stick rules, back to the feudal days.
While he'll do alot of the same things as Ron Paul, I'm voting for Gary Johnson as I believe he's just a touch more realistic than Ron Paul, or should I say he's not touched in the head.
I do like that the discourse has been raised, just not the way it got the attention of the public.
First, good post OP ... much food for thought and quality discussion, thanks
Next: Most people here don't seem to realize that extensive testing suggests 4% of the population fall under the 'sociopathic' tag. In fact that's such a high percentage it has been suggested that "sociopaths" are considered their own 'type' of humans! (Not even ALL "lgbt" people combined make up 2%!)
https://www.quora.com/What-percentage-of-people-are-psychopaths-sociopaths
The Sociopath Next Door is a book by a Harvard professor discussing this, and she's far from alone, just google "sociopaths 1 in 25 people"
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0767915828/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=0767915828&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=wwwviolentkicom
Personality disorders
Have you heard of Cal Newport? He talks a lot about what organizational skills and study habits you need to develop (and how to develop them) to succeed in college. Read his book "How to be a straight a student". You should be able to get it free from the library. His blog also contains a lot of the same material. Check out the posts linked at the bottom of this page. I recommend the book, since it's a concise way to absorb all the information.
Treat this as a learning experience. What can you do differently now that'll help you succeed? Does your school has a student success center that focuses on teaching students study skills? What about a tutoring center? A writing center? Make appointments at these places and gather resources to get yourself back on track.
How good are your study skills?
Doing things like...
etc etc.
I think this book really helps to learn better studying skills, where I learned most of what I know.
For actually getting help, check your schools library (if they have one at CC) or just use the internet. Especially with programming classes, there are many tutorials on Youtube and subreddits like /r/learnprogramming
No problem! You don't come off as a brat at all. You're asking for help, and that's a step most people won't even do. They just sit in their little, sad situations and struggle for no reason. You're not like that. Chin up.
College is the first time I'm getting a support group offline. My parents refuse to acknowledge any and all kind of "mental illness", as they call it. So I definitely had to deal with a lot of coping growing up.
I started scheduling because I read this book. I know it might not apply to you now, but if you're curious THAT book was the one that changed the course of my college career- mostly because of its explanation of scheduling. If I had never read it I would undoubtedly not have so much work done ahead of time. But anyway, I am currently a college student so everything here is from a college student's perspective:
I understand what it's like to not want to confine to a schedule, really. In fact, I don't think I've ever done everything I schedule in a single day. See: http://i.imgur.com/bHNx0m4.jpg
Boxed in red is my schedule for the day, circled in green is stuff I didn't finish-- and it's okay, because my life deserves some flexibility. Because sometimes, I don't want to do math at that particular moment.
So I don't do it.
ADHD doesn't always let me sit still and do work. However, I make an effort to do something else productive, like some other assignment or drawing or reading. Something that's not Reddit. My rule is that I work 5 days a week, from 8 am to 8 pm. This is how I get ahead. I know 12 hours seems like a lot but I set aside an hour for lunch usually and I try to give myself 15 minute breaks every 45 minutes of work, Pomodoro style.
Sometimes I'm not even able to make myself productive. I Reddit or navel-gaze or sleep for a couple hours. It happens. It's okay. I'm usually ahead anyway. Let myself have a break.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, scheduling doesn't have to be this completely restrictive thing. It is actually very freeing. I am much kinder to myself now than I was before without scheduling-- because back when I didn't schedule, I ended up with a lot of backlog, which meant that I often was forced to work for hours on end. It sucked.
tl;dr: Scheduling, and doing work when I feel like doing work, allows me to make free time later that I can mess around with. It's like karma! Do good now, and you can reap the benefits at a later time. And what I do:
>when I move onto the next chunk either the next day or the next hour as I'm learning the new content the old fades away
It's important to apply different learning techniques to different types of material. You can't effectively study literature in the same way you study math. Figuring out which strategies work best for different topics, specifically for you, is a trial-and-error process. Others might be able to provide more specific insights, but I would also suggest trying to integrate new material into your existing knowledge. Rote memorization is sometimes necessary, but you'll never retain information learned through that method unless you find a way to add significance to it.
In some subjects, this process might occur almost effortlessly. When studying history, for example, learning new information that (perhaps subtly) changes the way you view the world allows you to apply your knowledge without much conscious effort. Other subjects, like math, may require more deliberate effort (i.e. consistent practice) before new knowledge is fully integrated into your existing understanding of the subject. You'll need to figure out what specific efforts you need to make in order to successfully apply and integrate new knowledge in different subjects.
You won't remember things that aren't significant to you, for the most part, so figuring out how to make information matter, at some level, is helpful. I don't mean that everything you learn has to be life-changing, but you should try to find a way to make new material seem at least mildly interesting (this often occurs naturally as you start to really understand the material). It's even better if you can make it useful in some way. Rote memorization might work for a test the next day, but you won't remember that material in the long run unless you're able to integrate it into your existing knowledge and apply it in some way.
>And on the topic of developing my comfort of less "immediately-rewarding tasks" how would I even do that?
As someone else mentioned, part of the challenge here may be (at least superficially) dopamine-related. I'm not diagnosing you with ADHD - what I'm referring to is our modern (technological) world of instant gratification. Video games, reddit, TV (news channels, commercials, short video clips in general), and even food (fast food + pre-made microwavable meals) help to condition us away from tasks that require sustained effort (like studying) without providing immediate and rewarding feedback.
To become more comfortable performing tasks like those, you have to both make the tasks easier (i.e. take regular breaks, use the most efficient methods for each specific task, etc.) and decrease your need for instant gratification. In regard to the latter recommendation, I would suggest limiting instantly-gratifying activity, in general, and confining it to specific places and times. You need to make instant gratification the exception, not the rule. You don't need to give up video games, but plan time for playing video games like you plan study sessions. A big part of doing that successfully lies in reducing temptation, examples of which could include not studying next to where you game or keeping your phone (and reddit) out of site while studying.
Hope that helps. There's a lot of information on learning strategies out there, but it can be hard to find and dissect. I've heard good things about Cal Newport's book on studying, so that's an additional resource you could check out if it interests you.
Have you considered nursing? I'm not sure on your sex, but if you're male the stigma has greatly gone down. It's not as well paying as a doctor but still pays well and sorta sounds like what you want to do.
For studying check out Cal Newport's book How to Become a Straight A Student. The best book I've read on study habits and learning how to study. It's not one of those books that about "well you need to study 23242 hours in one week to get a C" or some bullshit. It is a quick and fun read and it has helped me out a lot in college.
It's a flashcard program structured around spaced repetition. Repetition is the only way to memorize things that aren't traumatic and spaced repetition is the most efficient repetition for us.
You basically pick an area you're very familiar with (your house, your favorite running route, etc), then put stuff you want to remember on different parts of the path. The more senses you can apply, the easier it'll be to remember them.
Check out this TED talk when you can.
Hope it helps man!
Two books to read are Cal Newport's How to Win at College and How to Become a Straight A-Student.
After reading his books, check out his blog, Study Hacks.
I don't think you made a wrong decision. Your GPA is good and computer science is a valuable degree to have this days. If you get a couple of internships on the way you'll be set. Just try not to let your GPA slide.
I can give you some hints I've tried myself to streamline workload. Everyone needs a system. I use Things, which is a Get Things Done software for project and priority management. You deplete time and resources worrying about things, if you empty them somewhere in a way you can visualize it it's way less daunting. There are books on GTD, it works.
I like this book on getting better grades.
Does your college has a counseling service you can go to?
This is really the only answer:
This link supports Charity Water too
>Do it myself
Great idea. Learn to be an animator. There's software (Flash/Photoshop/other) to both draw your animations and then generate sprite sheets, so the process shouldn't take weeks. Here's a list of resources I recommend for animation:
>but artists (understandably) don't usually donate their time for internet strangers with the promise of a payout down the road
This wasn't true in my case. I posted an ad on /r/gamedevclassifieds as a coder and got three talented artists emailing me with work they've done.
I'm pretty new myself, but after reading this I felt I learned more about these concepts in a week than I had after years on my own: http://www.amazon.com/The-Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles/dp/086547897X
I guess it's pretty much a classic, but having no animator friends or contacts I had no one to point out the must-haves until I stumbled across this subreddit. One of those wish-I-knew-years-ago things. Arcs, motion ease, all that stuff is covered in that book.
Have him check out these e-books
http://www.animationmentor.com/resources/ebooks/
The other musts would be "The Illusion of Life" and "Animation Survival Kit" and I'd say "The Nine Old Men."
https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X
Animator's Survival Kit is easily the most recommended book in motion circles. It's more about traditional animation than mograph though.
That's just the art of moving. If you want to learn type/layout/color you need to look at traditional design books like /u/gusmaia said. I can't recommend any books on that because I learned most of that hands on in the classroom, but Meg's History of Graphic Design is a great book on advertising ideas.
https://www.amazon.com/Meggs-History-Graphic-Design-Philip/dp/1118772059
Alright, first thing you're gonna wanna do is chill out, it's gonna seem intimidating at first but once you really get into it it'll be second nature to ya.
First thing I'd recommend is finding a process that works for you, if you're not comfortable with Adobe then try out some other programs, I personally recommend Krita, it's a pretty simple program to operate not too advanced but provides the tools needed to make some good frame by frame animation, it's free too, which is always a plus. But there's also other alternatives like ToonBoom [good but pricey, so I've heard] and OpenToons [free] that are more advanced. Maybe take advantage of some free trials and see what you're most comfortable with.
You said you can't see the previous frame when moving to a new one, you have to enable onion skins which shows a silhouette of the previous drawing so you have something to reference.
Another thing you're probably gonna want to do is familiarize yourself with the process, check out a few videos on Youtube about animation, this one right here goes pretty well in depth on the twelve principles. I also recommend the Animator's Survival Kit, and so will most other animators [It's a really good book that goes way in depth on the whole process].
And the number one most important thing I can say is this, just keep animating. Practice as much as you can. I can sit here all day recommending books, videos, and software, but the thing you're gonna learn from the most is experience. So animate, find the methods you're most comfortable with, and make something with them, it doesn't necessarily even need to be good, it just needs to be a learning experience.
It's like exercising a muscle, the more you work at it the stronger it gets.
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I hope this helps in some way.
Thanks for posting this! Best book you could ever own.
http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1457472539&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=animator%27s+survival+kit+richard+williams
See also.
You say that jokingly but psychopathy and sociopathy are WAY more common than most people realize.
https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1478606179&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+psychopath+next+door
Great (and slightly disturbing) book - http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828
I believe you're looking for this: The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD. Not the greatest book ever, but worth the read on the topic.
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828
If I could give my 17 year old self advice about college, I would say read these books:
Book 1
Book 2
Key to college is knowing what you want to take (not what your parents tell you you should major in) and working smart (i.e. avoid cramming, unnecessary hard-work)
Read this book
Get this book and follow it's advice seriously, as it helps you work more efficiently:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Become-Straight--Student-Unconventional/dp/0767922719/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1301521795&amp;sr=8-1
Do research every summer.
Don't be afraid to change your major.
Take only GER classes freshman year. Most people change their major and have wasted credits. Some chemistry classes may give GER credits, if so take those your freshman year! You will know for sure whether you will stay a chemistry major or not, after your first year of summer research.
Get some exercise.
Don't get complacent, and go "oh I have plenty of time I'll do this later". It's okay to do that, but write down all your assignments and start them so you know how much work you ACTUALLY have to do.
Take full advantage of office hours.
Make sure you have the number of at least one person in every class. It always comes in handy.
What subject? What type of information? Are you talking about using your time and blocking distractions or just how to learn/review material?
If it's math/procedural/engineering material, do problems. Sit down with a blank problem and see if you can do it without looking at your notes. Or go over your homework problems and do them from scratch. The only way you'll know the material is by practicing.
If the material is a lot of memorization, MAKE FLASHCARDS. Use Anki or some other software to make them and study them from scratch. Look up something called 'active recall.' It's the idea of pulling information from your brain from scratch, not just by recognizing the answer in a multiple-choice list of answers.
For time scheduling/blocking distraction or procrastination, go buy Cold Turkey (only $20, will be the best $20 you ever spend) and block off any websites that might keep you from staying focused on studying. (I should be blocking Reddit right, lol) Put all your deadlines into your calendar so you can see what's coming up and which things to prioritize. Personally I use Wunderlist (smart due dates and week view features) and Zapier to copy to my Google Calendar so I can see my deadlines on my calendar too.
Also, choose a good location. Go to the quietest corner of the library and hunker down. It's the best way to focus. You'll never stay focused when you're around other people who are talking all the time.
Hope this helps! These are what have helped me. They're pretty basic, but super powerful. You don't need fancy apps, you just need to manage distraction and procrastination and be organized about when your deadlines are.
I would also highly recommend Cal Newport's book on studying. I got a lot of good ideas from that book.
I don't study "hard," I study smart. Get organized and focused, and studying will be a breeze. By using my calendar (on Google) and sticking to my schedule of practice and studying, I have gotten straight As while making time for friends, family, relationships, and personal time. I study about an hour to two hours every day, with about 5-15 other hours through the week for practice. I'm taking 16 units.
Here is a short book with a lot of excellent advice for succeeding academically. I was already a good student when I read it, but it helped me immensely.
How to Become a Straight-A Student is
a greatprobably the best resource for learning how to study efficiently.One of the author's key insights is to put an emphasis on studying for real understanding. Here's a blog post by the author about it. It almost feels like this method of studying is tailor-made for INTPs due to our strong Ti being all about proper understanding of concepts. If you do it right you can end up spending less time studying than your peers and getting better grades.
If you experience a similar level of painstaking boredom with other tasks you feel you should do but don't want to do--and if you more often than not don't do them due to this boredom--you might want to do some research in to ADHD. It's one of the key symptoms.
> A little bit of discipline will go a long way. Focus for 1 hour a day. Just 1 single hour a day. Your ability to focus is a mental muscle. It gets stronger the more you practice.
I agree. Specially in your case, OP. You need a smooth start, establishing realistic studying goals until you make it a habit to study for longer hours.
Besides that, I'd recommend you to read this book:http://www.amazon.com/How-Become-Straight--Student-Unconventional/dp/0767922719/ref
> I have no faith that I can study at high levels, especially that I'm planing to start studying to become an engineer
Don't think like this. I know that it might sound cliché, but you need to believe in yourself. This type of mindset is crucial: https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/
Try creating an study habit and, along the way, look for study techniques that will help you with your struggle. Searching for topics about "spaced repetition" and "active recall" in this subreddit is a good start.
Good luck!
These are my advices that helped me to replace bad habits (Also I read the book)
1. Solve one habit at time. Don't try to resolver everything in a day. Start small but start.
2. Schedule everything. Example:
5:00 am - Wake up, glass of water, put my running shoes.
5:05 am - Running
5:40 am - Take shower
5:50 am - etc
. Schedule Its going to help you to visualize all your day.
I can recommend you this book: How to become a straight A student..
Don't be hard with yourself. Eliminate a bad habit is hard work, but it's possible.
Your brother probably has your best interest in mind. To me, it sounds like you are a bit dependent on him. I might be wrong.
Anyway, here's what you can do:
This.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Become-Straight-A-Student-Unconventional/dp/0767922719
Get off reddit. Read books. My suggestion: How to Become a Straight-A Student by Cal Newport. Grab a copy from your library (or buy it--it's only $10) and read it, in addition to helping with your attention span it'll give you good guidance on maintaining a top GPA when you start school. Start things off on a good note, you don't want to have any regrets later.
Just by making this post you have already taken the first step. I wish I could have recognized everything you posted at your age. I was pretty much the same, playing halo 3 and cod 4 and never really studying for tests. I got a decent grade on my SAT and got into an okay state school. But if I had the habits I have now when I was a sophomore I honestly could have gotten into an ivy or a top tier school. It's no use looking to the past in regret, because if I didn't do so poorly early on, I might have never decided to change my life for the better.
So you have this desire to improve yourself but you have to make this a burning desire. You have to really, really want to be the best version of yourself. Otherwise you will dabble in changing your life for a week but end up going back to your old habits. Close your eyes and visualize yourself being ranked in the top ten of your class academically. Visualize your self getting into an ivy, reading the classics, and becoming a great programmer. Really feel how good this things will be. See your parents proud of you and your friends awestruck. It's important to do this as it makes you release those feel good endorphin's. These endorphin's will override your feelings of apathy and laziness.
So now moving on to practical things in no specific order:
*I read this article: read to lead and have devoured books ever since. I usually read a 2:1 nonfiction to fiction ratio. Start with harry potter and work your way up lol.
Keep in mind that all the resources are out there waiting for you to use them. This is actually the easy part. The knowledge has always been out there. Applying this knowledge daily is what will change your life. View your mind as a muscle and every time you don't play videogames, you are strengthening it. Every time you finish and entire book you are strengthening it.
Highly recommend [](How to Become a Straight-A Student: The Unconventional Strategies Real College Students Use to Score High While Studying Less https://www.amazon.com/dp/0767922719/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_zYVzyb25CPEJ9)
I don't really think this is the right sub for this but I'm glad you asked lol.
Here are some resources which can probably help you out in understanding the math. The first one on the list is my favorite.
> Prologue
> Considering how many fools can calculate, it is surprising that it should be thought either a difficult or a tedious task for any other fool to learn how to master the same tricks.
> Some calculus-tricks are quite easy. Some are enormously difficult. The fools who write the textbooks of advanced mathematics—and they are mostly clever fools—seldom take the trouble to show you how easy the easy calculations are. On the contrary, they seem to desire to impress you with their tremendous cleverness by going about it in the most difficult way.
> Being myself a remarkably stupid fellow, I have had to unteach myself the difficulties, and now beg to present to my fellow fools the parts that are not hard. Master these thoroughly, and the rest will follow. What one fool can do, another can.
> Chapter 1
> The preliminary terror, which chokes off most fifth-form boys from even attempting to learn how to calculate, can be abolished once for all by simply stating what is the meaning—in common-sense terms—of the two principal symbols that are used in calculating.
> These dreadful symbols are:
> (1) d which merely means “a little bit of.”
> Thus dx means a little bit of x; or du means a little bit of u. Ordinary mathematicians think it more polite to say “an element of,” instead of “a little bit of.” Just as you please. But you will find that these little bits (or elements) may be considered to be indefinitely small.
> (2) [Integral symbol] which is merely a long S, and may be called (if you like) “the
sum of.”
> Thus [Integral symbol]dx means the sum of all the little bits of x; or [Integral symbol]dt means the sum of all the little bits of t. Ordinary mathematicians call this symbol “the integral of.” Now any fool can see that if x is considered as made up of a lot of little bits, each of which is called dx, if you add them all up together you get the sum of all the dx’s, (which is the same thing as the whole of x). The word “integral” simply means “the whole.” If you think of the duration of time for one hour, you may (if you like) think of it as cut up into 3600 little bits called seconds. The whole of the 3600 little bits added up together make one hour. When you see an expression that begins with this terrifying symbol, you will henceforth know that it is put there merely to give you instructions that you are now to perform the operation (if you can) of totalling up all the little bits that are indicated by the symbols that follow.
> That’s all.
Here's some information which might help you practice the math better, after you understand it
edit: formatting and stuff. Also, for the record, it took me FOREVER to finally find a book (the first one on this list) which explained things in plain english. It's just hilarious that the thing (er, the 1st edition) was written back in 1910.
As I mentioned before: pills aren't skills. You still have to put it the work even when you don't feel like it. THIS IS KEY. You won't always feel like following through. But the difference between failing and passing is putting in the work.
Here are a couple guides that I heartedly recommend: A Mind for Numbers by Barbara Oakley. This book will give you the basis for effective learning, and not just for science or math students.
How to Become a Straight A Student by Cal Newport This book defines the genre of what an effective student guide really is. Study tips abound, but the real lesson here is about effective time management and scheduling.
first of all, you are more than capable of doing well. if you plan well and work hard in a college environment, you will find success.
buy and read this book. take it seriously. it has some great advice.
go to class. no excuses. you will end up spending exponentially more time covering the material on your own than if you just went to class.
about the phone thing: i have trouble with it, too. you need to stay out of your room as much as possible and study in a public place, preferably a place where other students are studying (like a library). i can't stress this enough. every time you go into your room, you're going to end up wasting at least a half an hour on the internet (like i'm doing right now).
if at all possible, don't bring your phone or laptop or any internet-capable device with you to class or to the library. you can't get distracted by the internet if you don't have access to it. i'm twice as productive when i don't have my laptop with me. if you can afford it, buy hard copies of your textbooks.
Definitely doable. I would recommend this book by Cal Newport to help you through college career. It helped me substantially.
College is all about how you manage your time. I personally know a guy that got a 4.0 in High School and got a 35 on his ACT's and flunked out of college because he spent all of his time partying and playing video games. I also know a guy where I'm constantly thinking "how is this guy an engineer?"
I personally flunked out of Engineering my first semester, but it's 100% because I didn't try and I focused on beating GTA V when it came out instead of focusing on my classes. I transferred from a community college where I thought all the classes would be like that and boy was I wrong. And while I'm not in engineering anymore, I'm 100% certain that I could do engineering now and this is coming from a guy that graduated high school with a 2.53 GPA and a 26 ACT. There are tons of resources like tutoring, SI, and recitations that help you understand the concept and develop into a better student.
I hope you make the right choice and come to Iowa State. And if you want a job as a bus driver in the future, hit me up!
This Reddit post and this book helped me tremendously. Of course, this would be for future semesters in your case.
I recommend you speak with your professors as soon as possible, and tell them about what's going on. The worst that can happen is they'll tell you that you can't make up assignments, which is already going to happen even if you don't talk with them. If you get lucky, some may give you a little leeway. Take this chance to get some work done to the best of your ability by applying some of the steps discussed in the post I linked.
If nothing can be done with assignments, just do your best to finish off strong with finals. Even if you fail, you can use this as a learning opportunity if you retake the classes, so you know what to expect the next time those exams come around.
If shit hits the fan and things don't go well, it's just a semester. The important thing here is not to beat yourself up, and do research on how you can be a better, more disciplined student in the remainder of your schooling. If you're anything like me, this will take a lot of work.
Also, does your school offer counseling/therapy? I know some do, and it's typically included in tuition. Might be worth looking into.
Don't be certain that things will get better. They might not.
I say the above at the risk of being massively downvoted, of course. But I say it for two good reasons: (1) It's true and (2) Few things are more crushing than believing that things are absolutely bound to get better, only to find that they don't, in fact, get better. Such cases tend to make people feel even more confused, isolated, depressed, and unsure of themselves than if they simply acknowledged the possibility that there is no strange, magical law ensuring that one's circumstances will become happier over time.
Your description of your high school and early college experiences reminds me of my own, in a way. If you're curious, I had a great deal of trouble making friends in college. Throughout my four years at college, despite many genuine attempts, I never did manage to become close to anyone, except maybe for a few professors. But I learned to become more self-sufficient, which was very important. Lacking close friends is sad, but sometimes it's simply the outcome of having an uncommon level of intelligence, maturity, and sincerity.
For whatever it's worth, this was a book that helped me become more efficient at studying. Perhaps it could help you... at the very least, having your academic side more developed would probably make the college experience as a whole be less hellish. Ayway, good luck.
Recent ChE graduate here. I made it out alive so you can too. Here's my list:
tl;dr: Seriously? You want a two sentence summary? GTFO! If you are so lazy you can't be bothered to read something this short, drop out now. There are no shortcuts for the things that matter in life.
I recommend this book
It's been very helpful for me.
The author ran a great blog over the years with related material, here's the archives. I would search in the category tags for items relevant to you.
Great post. After a subpar performance in my first term of engineering, I knew something had to change so I picked up this book the other day to hopefully give me some insight on improving my second term. Some of the OPs points that came up were definitely in the book. The book simply helped some light bulbs switch on in my head and hopefully it can do the same for you.
Anyway if you have some free time, the book is relatively short and I suggest you check it out if you need help with being organized and studying.
The book is called
How To Become a Straight-A Student
The Unconventional Strategies Real College Students Use to Score High While Studying Less
http://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0767922719/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/186-5706736-8151527
I'd recommend taking a look at Cal Newport's book How to Become a Straight A Student. It offers some really good advice on how to become a better student, particularly in terms of how to schedule and use your time effectively. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0767922719?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=stuhac-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=0767922719
You'll absolutely be able to turn it around, make sure you take this time to really perfect time management. I overloaded myself one semester and had a pretty subpar semester, but the following semester, I took only two courses (one being an intermediate math course I had failed) in order to really figure out how to manage the coursework. Surprisingly, switching from a part time job to a full time job that had a set schedule made it so much easier to manage my time and I've been getting A's ever since (though I've kept it at 9 units with full time work).
Some tips that helped me:
-YouTube channel: thomas frank
-This book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0767922719/ref=ppx_yo_mob_b_inactive_ship_o0_img?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1
-I started writing down my assignment due dates in my phone calendar as well as the tasks I needed to work on daily. This way if I didnt complete everything I needed to do, it would go on the next days list. This prevented procrastination and kept me consciously thinking about my assignments with less stress. (I.e for my poli sci class I knew I needed to read one chapter by the end of the week, but I'd break it up by reading a few pages a day)
-tutoring, but only once I had tried to work through the problems myself
I turned in my UC applications, and my TAG to Davis has already been accepted. The UC process is holistic and so as long as you improve from now on you'll be able to explain the bad grades and how you improved them. You've recognized you need to make a change and taken accountability and that's the first step in the right direction!
http://amzn.com/0767922719
http://amzn.com/0767917871
Here's a quick synopsis of the first book, although I recommend reading the whole thing: http://www.scribd.com/doc/18512444/How-to-Become-a-StraightA-Student
The Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams is one of the best animation resources I have come across. https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1485193981&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=animators+survival+kit
The only thing that is animated are the limbs rotating. Just kinda looks like a mechanical cutout. Knees, elbows, ankles, feet, wrists, hands, torso, head, etc all move in a walk cycle. I would go out and purchase "The Animators Survival Kit" by Richard Williams and try to draw a walk cycle frame by frame, I think you will learn a lot through this book and lots and lots of practice. Keep at it, though.
When I ran a small animation shop, I NEVER even asked during interviews if they graduated from high school. I didn't care. It was all about what they could do. I will not get into detailed specifics as they vary significantly depending on what type of work you want to do.
On the animation side you will do well to study The Animator's Survival Kit.
If you are going to do more cartoon like animating, start practicing the implementation of the 12 principles of animation:
For more realistic character animation, you can start studying video reference resources designed to help animators duplicate natural motions of animals and people.
A super plus, not strictly necessary but gives you a serious edge, is to be very good with scripting. You can start learning Python (used in Maya, C4D, Blender, and others) or another language if your 3D software of choice uses something different. Scripting can be a great time saver and sometimes saves the day.
For animation or modelling as a profession, you need to get beyond the phase of knowing how to reproduce specific outcomes because of tutorials you learned. You need to be able to think on your feet and problem solve.
Go pick up this.
Draw from life, focus on learning anatomy, you will need line weight control, mastery of form, and a million hours drawing and animating.
This is good for Disney's rules, which can apply across the board to any animation, but in the end you will have to learn 3d, too. Understanding 2d will help you immensely more than not understanding it.
Just draw 24/7, always focus on what's around you and what you see, stay out of what's inside your head. Animation is all about imitating life, stick to that and stay away from imaginative work until you are solid on accurate proportions and physics.
I'm not an animator, I took a couple courses on 2d and 3d animation in college and honestly, your work is better than what a lot of the students in my class had at the end of our first animation semester (and we had a pretty decent professor). You've got a lot of promise. If I were you, I'd buy a copy of The Animator's Survival Kit and keep at it.
Edit: should have read through the comments to see if someone else had already linked to the book but whatever, it's the best animation instruction book out there and I wish someone would have recommended it to me before i was in college haha.
Most of the resources I'm readily familiar with that are specific to cel animation are books. Toon Boom has a great YouTube Chanel full of tutorials specific to their programs, which have become the standards in the industry. There’s plenty of good third-party YouTube tutorials for Harmony as well.
However, here are two links specific to the Disney 1990s processes: the 1986 executive summary for Disney's CAPS (Computer Animation Production System), developed for them by Pixar, and a 1994 article giving an overview of the digital production process.
http://alvyray.com/Pixar/documents/CAPS_ExecSummary_AlvyToPixar_4May86.pdf
https://groups.google.com/forum/m/#!topic/rec.arts.anime/WOkkuV0Yr7w
They’re outdated now, both these two books are great texts for how to do cel animation circa 1999-2002. The principals haven’t changed much if one is looking to do the traditional style:
The Animation Book: A Complete Guide to Animated Filmmaking--From Flip-Books to Sound Cartoons to 3- D Animation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0517886022/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_chBoDbV9YV5XM
Producing Independent 2D Character Animation: Making & Selling A Short Film (Focal Press Visual Effects and Animation) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0240805135/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_rjBoDb11GA302
These books are more foundational; all animators regardless of technique are recommended to study them:
The Illusion of Life: Disney Animation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0786860707/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2kBoDbAQ057T9
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ClBoDbS90NX97
A Light Box is a relatively inexpensive one. The link for that one is above your $30 limit but lots of craft stores have holiday coupons. I bought a large light box from Hobby Lobby for only $40 that was usually $90.
Books are also good gifts that might fit your price range. here are my 2 favs (the Used versions are under $30):
The Illusion of Life
The Animator's Survival Kit
Hi, first some background. I am currently in the hell process of getting my first industry job. Keep getting interviews/test but so far I haven’t gotten a job yet...though it’s only been two months since I finally started to apply haha. I originally applied for RISD MICA MCAD SVA Art Center and CalArts and I got accepted into all of them besides CalArts, which I got waitlisted for. Every school I got into offered me scholarships but once I factored in living/food I still couldn’t afford it. So I swallowed my pride and went to community college for a few years then besides reapplying to art schools I decided to make a hour and a half commute every few days to take classes at Concept Design Academy, Which I’m still currently doing. My original plan was to go to Calstate Long Beach or Cal State Fullerton, both have really good animation programs but I could live with my family while I went.
I’m so happy I didn’t go to a traditional art school. I was about to reapply when one of my friends who now works at Dreamworks told me to just do Concept Design instead. I trusted her opinion since she went to SVA and graduated and ended up not having the exact skills she needed for employment and she was super in debt.
I’d say it’s 50/50 with people I know that attended college and currently work in the industry, other half did what I am doing/didn’t get any higher education, some of my closest friends are currently attending SVA. I’m going to be honest most think it’s useless and wishes they went to a state school with a good art program rather than SVA or did what I ended up doing.
If you really want to work in TV/Movie animation look into Concept Design Academy in Pasadena CA or CGMA online or something similar. If you are dead set getting a degree I’d recommend looking into state schools. Art school isn’t worth the debt. If you have to take on all the loans yourself it’s not worth it it will destroy your credit forever and you won’t be able to move where the industry is.
This is about art center(where I originally got accepted and planned on going too) but all my SVA/MICA/RISD friends have similar experiences
http://ghostbri.tumblr.com/post/178516711920/dude-i-really-wanna-go-to-art-center-what#notes
This specific artist also has great resources for finding alternative education.
DONT RUIN YOUR LIFE BC YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WONT SUCCEED IN THE INDUSTRY WITH OUT ART SCHOOL. THERE IS OTHER WAYS.
If you live in/around LA area or are willing to transfer:
http://conceptdesignacad.com/
https://animationguild.org/about-the-guild/education/
https://laafa.edu/
Online recourses:
https://www.cgmasteracademy.com
https://www.schoolism.com
https://www.theanimcourse.com/courses/
Alternative book based educations:
The Animator's Survival Kit: A Manual of Methods, Principles and Formulas for Classical, Computer, Games, Stop Motion and Internet Animators https://www.amazon.com/dp/086547897X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_U7xwCbZNA4X74
Framed Ink: Drawing and Composition for Visual Storytellers https://www.amazon.com/dp/1933492953/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_m8xwCbE8TH4VS
FORCE: Dynamic Life Drawing: 10th Anniversary Edition (Force Drawing Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1138919578/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_U8xwCbTRGJHWJ
(This one is currently out of print because they are changing the cover it should be back in a few weeks and be around 15 bucks)
Also here is a few good YouTube channels:
https://www.youtube.com/user/ProkoTV
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS3ZMbzTOXdDuJlhAZuXgaw
https://youtu.be/uDqjIdI4bF4
If you(or anyone reading this) have any questions please feel free to DM me!! If I don’t have a direct answer I know one of my friends that work in the industry will and I could ask. Art School isn’t the only way to obtain a good quality art education and a ton of talented artist make it in the industry without it!
Also sorry this is so LA centric, I grew up in the great LA area and currently work exclusively in it so it’s all I know in-depth.
Quick Edit; I’m a purely 2D based artist. I work mostly in concept and I’m currently working on transitioning into Boarding/Revisions. I don’t work on the animation end of these but that’s Bc most outsource to other countries now.
Let me answer both of your questions...
Here is a non-affiliate link on Amazon...
http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1459295196&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=The+Animator%27s+Survival+Kit
You might have heard this from people already but Richard William's book The Animator's Survival Kit is an amazing resource for learning for both 2D and 3D. He covers the principles of animation and provides many examples that really help you understand what he is talking about.
What type of animation interests you? The principles are generally all the same between all types of animation - which is great - but the actual act of creating the animation varies wildly.
Types of animation:
I'm into 3D animation, so I could provide the most resources regarding that, but there are a couple things you could do to get started regardless of your preferred flavor of animation.
https://creatureartteacher.com/product-category/tutorials-lessons/animation-tutorials/
If you studied (and practiced) that stuff religiously, that's pretty much all you'd need to get a really solid launch into animation for pretty cheap.
Went to order it, and apparently there is a diff version that's in stock at amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=la_B001H6GEXI_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1414528035&amp;sr=1-1
Even master artists feel like they don't know what they're doing. The more you learn, the more you realize is left to learn. There is no point where you go from someone who can't draw to someone who can. It's just something you keep getting better at the more you practice and study. Copying from reference is a great place to start, keep at it. and don't be afraid to ask for critique if you really get stuck.
Just do what you can now, and as you improve it will get more fun and less frustrating.
If you want some resources, here's some youtube channels that have helped me:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5dyu9y0EV0cSvGtbBtHw_w
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUQTqWAaSzhAKRanOpes1nA
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvM8sIthAK1KOQ4nq5mYCTw
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwJheV30gHVOjBps2DU7k9A
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCno-YPZ8BiLrN0Wbl8qICFA
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIGRhqYssT6IGPYOnZBFYKw
https://www.youtube.com/user/ProkoTV
And also some books:
https://www.amazon.com/Figure-Drawing-All-Its-Worth/dp/0857680986
https://www.amazon.com/Color-Light-Realist-Painter-Gurney/dp/0740797719
https://www.amazon.com/Framed-Ink-Drawing-Composition-Storytellers/dp/1933492953
https://www.amazon.com/Animators-Survival-Kit-Principles-Classical/dp/086547897X/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=ZNC6E0ET0QNFQAPH01WB
https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Comics-Invisible-Scott-McCloud/dp/006097625X
You could also check out http://drawabox.com/ and https://www.ctrlpaint.com/ which both offer a more ridged lesson by lesson approach to learning to draw.
get this book: The Animators Survival Kit
also don't worry about using references, everyone does it, and you'll do it your whole career.
Wow, that dog really wants to bite him! It's hard to guess how to critique not knowing your experience so ill keep it broad...
For composition and filmmaking read this:Film Directing, Shot by Shot
For Animation Read this:Animation Survival Kit
Once you read both of these books you will be able and critique this and make your next piece much better.
Good Luck!
well, First off how new is new? are you familiar with the fundamentals of animation? any new animator should get this book, it is literally the bible when it comes to animation fundamentals, both 2d and 3d.
read this book cover to cover and keep it on hand. next you probably want to start learning programs, I'd suggest going for flash for 2d and Maya for 3d. Autodesk gives free 3 year trials for al their 3d programs (maya included) to anyone with a .edu email address. if you like doing 3d, there are many videos, that give you the basics of how to use the program (supplied by the developers) and a ton of video tutorials that people make on YouTube.
another fantastic resource is the 11 second club. in their forum section they have a ton of beginning level exercises and a plethora of extremely helpful members who are always available to help.
if you have any questions or need any more info, feel free to PM me or reply to my comment :)
Hey there!
Glad to hear there is another potential animator/artist in the world :)
A lot of your question depends on your budget as tablets can get very expensive very quickly based on size and quality. For instance buying something that lets you draw directly on the screen is going to run you several hundred dollars for the lowest tier models (Wacom Cintiq's are currently considered the gold standard but their monitors and tablets start at over $1000 new so that is out of the question for most people and definitely not worth it for a beginner). So if she's just wanting to explore, a drawing app on a samsung galaxy tablet is a cheaper option that works great for beginners and allows them to work directly on screen. Plus is she loses interest you'll still have a tablet to use for other things.
However most people start with something like a Wacom Bamboo tablet. They are high quality, very responsive, and made by Wacom (the current industry leader) for a much more reasonable price. However you're drawing on a tablet placed on a desk while watching your work on a separate monitor and this can take some serious getting used to. Once you've got it figured out though they're great (they come in various sizes and are used by professionals throughout various industries)!
As for software consider these:
Art/Drawing - Sketchbook Pro
Animation - Anime Studio 10
keep in mind animation programs can be tough to learn so she'll definitely need to watch tutorials online. However this is an awesomely priced option with a lot of great features to make jumping-in easy
If she really catches the animation bug there are two books that are wonderful (although they are thick and may be better for when she is a little older? Up to you but they could make great future gifts):
Animator's Survival Kit by Richard Williams
and
The Illusion of Life by Ollie Johnson and Frank Thomas - Two of Disney's original master animators known as the Nine Old Men
Anyway that's a quick rundown of where equipment and resources stand. If I were you I'd probably go for the bamboo tablet and Sketchbook Pro to get started (for drawing) + Anime Studio 10 if animation is definitely something she wants to explore as all these items are an outstanding value for what they offer.
If things get super serious as she gets older prices begin to jump up very quickly (especially on the software side) but I believe the items listed above should suit her perfectly for at least through all her high school years. As she improves and explores you'll naturally learn what all the tools and options are on your own, as well as what her preferences are.
3D animation as a whole is a different beast that is very computer/technical heavy with a steeper learning curve. So if she wants to start trying that it becomes a whole different realm as you'll need a solid PC and a lot of time and patience when it comes to learning one of the various computer graphics programs out there.
Hope this helps at least a little! Good luck, and feel free to PM any time :)
Have you heard of fertility awareness? I love this book: http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Fertility-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0060881909. I got pregnant when I first started trying after having been on hormonal birth control (the pill) for ten years. I started reading it because I was just interested in how my body worked without hormones once I decided to stop taking the pill, and we decided we wanted to try for a baby shortly thereafter. What I loved most about the book is that it helps you determine if you really need (expensive!) fertility treatments or not without going to the doctor, and what kinds you might need. It is a huge learning curve, I thought, but it is so well worth it. It was really liberating to learn all of the clues about when I was fertile and when I wasn't. I feel like women should be learning this stuff in high school - knowing these things is really, really empowering.
I've only been tracking for 5 months. This is what I did:
Month 1:
I went to OB to get a workup re: my PCOS, I had irregular period too coming off BC, PCOS, Hormonal Imbalance. We did blood tests and ultrasound and she gave me medicine to regulate my hormones. So far I have 27-28 day cycles with Duphaston. I bought a Basal Thermometer and started logging my wake up temperature. I input that data with Fertility Friend app. It's not the prettiest app but it does better and gives me a clearer picture of what's happening than other apps I've tried. BBT Tracking only and I was able to pinpoint my Ovulation.
Month 2-3:
I was traveling so no valid temp data.
Month 4:
BBT tracking but I learned that I need to track temp at the same time (give or take 30 minutes and at least 3 hours straight sleep). My temps were all over the place and I was temping at different times. Decided to set an alarm for this and to take my temperature vaginally (apparently I sleep with my mouth open and it affects the results). No ovulation for this month.
Month 5:
Using alarm regularly to take BBT vaginally then I sleep again. I've added checking my Cervical Mucous too. I wash my hands then wipe it dry with a tissue before inserting it to check for CM. So far, my CM are on track with my cycle. I tried checking my cervical position this month, nothing definitive as I'm still familiarizing myself with my cervix.
I'm also using Wondfo Ovulation Predictor Kits this month. I took it at CD10. More info here I get giddy seeing the test line grow darker with each day of testing. If the test line is darker than the control line it usually means that you'll be ovulating within 12-36 hrs. But according to what I've read, a sustained Temperature shift is the only way you'll know if you really did ovulate. When in doubt, Baby Dance!~
There are things that I never really bothered about until TTC. Everything is a learning process but I'm enjoying it so far. I hope this helps. But please do read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler or Fertility Friend's free ebook. Those will really help you understand your cycle better.
I replied to someone's comment above about notebooks, so see that instead of me copying it here!
Getting immersed in projects is really fantastic, if you are interested in more about that feeling I would recommend reading some books about it (I feel like a bit of a traitor for linking a psychology book in a physics thread of all places!). But, like anything, you can improve at getting into that state, and be able to pursue it better.
And yeah, my comment about the CS people is definitely a bit idealistic haha. You might need to bother a dozen people before one will be willing to spend a bit of time with you, but that's okay.
Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
As someone said it's called a flow state:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)
Some cool books on it:
http://www.amazon.com/Rise-Superman-Decoding-Ultimate-Performance/dp/1477800832/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1462376699&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=rise+of+superman
http://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
I've read The Rise of Superman, but not the second book I linked. Definitely recommend The Rise of Superman if you're interested in extreme sports.
I think what you're talking about is flow. It's this zone between something that is too easy and too difficult. It's where you get 'into the zone' and just focus.
https://www.amazon.ca/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi/dp/0061339202
A quick addition to what I mentioned elsewhere here: I really like two books that are highly relevant to this discussion: Mastery, by George Leonard, which is a short but thoughtful read about dealing with the ups and downs of a difficult, long-term learning process (viewed through the lens of Aikido), and, much more generally, Flow, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, which explores the importance of and process for finding depth and focus in skill-based activities.
Basically, both of them dive heavily into why it is more important - even for performance - to focus on the process rather than the goal.
There's a concept in M. Csikszentmihalyi's book titled Flow.
He puts in the visualization of an infinite, dynamic curve that one places oneself on in order to achieve a "Flow State". Make the journey into whatever you're working on difficult enough to be challenging but no so much that it becomes continuously anxiety-inducing.
It's a really great read if you'd like to look into the science and some discussion on this concept:
Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Meditate. Read this then practice it.
Empathy plus economics.
I'm nonreligious, but my parents required me to attend church every Sunday growing up, regardless of my belief. I suspect that the pastor may have not believed entirely, because regardless of how much I believed in God, I could always take something away from his sermons. This (plus, perhaps, natural disposition) left me extremely empathetic to the plight of the less fortunate. I'm not sure how I'd be if I'd been brought up differently, but I certainly remember feeling strong emotions about reducing suffering in that Sanctuary.
What happens when you reduce the price of something? Well, it depends. There's a whole song and dance involving indifference curves and maximizing a utility function, but coming at it intuitively: it might be such a better bargain that I spend more money on it. Or, I might buy more of it in total, but since the price is reduced, this means I'm spending less money on it. Or, it might be a Giffen good, meaning that I buy less of it, since I can now afford to buy other things that I want more. Because of my background, my reaction to finding out there's incredibly effective charities with funding gaps means I have the first reaction.
I should probably also mention [flow](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology), since Csikszentmihalyi's book has lead me to believe that maximizing happiness tends to be very inexpensive. Biggest example: I don't own a car because I prefer biking to driving. The biggest difference between what I do and frugality is that my not spending money is a result of happiness-maximizing, which means it has exceptions. In particular, I play a classical instrument which costs about as much as a used car, if I performed more, it'd cost as much as a new car. But, beyond that, I spend almost nothing because doing things that cost money incurs a utility penalty, since I tend to find them less fun than freer stuff.
Oh, and the 10% comes from this blog post. When I reach extremely high levels of financial security, that number will likely increase to 50%, because of how charitable deductions work in my country.
tl;dr: after seeing how much good the best charities could do for so little, my natural reaction was to throw large amounts of money at them. As a bonus, it's literally impossible to make me feel guilty for not giving money to anything else or not being politically active.
When you realize that you are allowed to write off the negative spiral read the solution, Flow.
Learn how to Flow. Pretty much the author says, when something requires the right amount of 1) difficulty and 2) creativity, you flow. One result of flow, besides life fulfillment, is time seems to travel faster. How cruel really
I also recommend Flow
Flow is quite literally one of the few sensible and truly useful things I've ever encountered. The denizens 'round here don't take kindly to it. Please, check out the original book Flow, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. It's the most elegant and objective description of psychology and humanity I've ever seen.
Another good book will be Flow
https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202
I have heard the term "zen" used as a shorthand for this feeling. But that is broad.
Another term may be the neologism "flow" as described in this book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061339202
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience.
This book is by a Hungarian-born American psychology prof on his work of what is most popularly known as "being in the zone".
Here you go. (It starts off very dry to lay the ground work, but when you get to the second half it really comes alive).
Humans are socially monogamous but not sexually. Men feel more betrayed by sexual infidelity than emotional and women are the other way around. It's in our nature to want to fuck other people, but it's in our culture to feel like we have to commit to one person for our whole life. And in our culture, a successful marriage is defined by death. If your marriage ends in death, it's a success. Even if you were both miserable the whole time.
I think monogamy will the the social norm for a long time, but ever so slowly people are realizing that it's not always realistic. Gay couples are the least likely to be monogamous, followed by straight couples and then lesbians. So that tells you that men are the issue with being monogamous. The reason why women are the most monogamous has a variety of answers which I can provide upon request. The sooner people come to terms with this, the better in my opinion. Over the course of a multi-decade relationship, infidelity is bound to touch a relationship to some degree.
I am personally in a monogamish relationship with my SO and I couldn't imagine it any other way. This relationship has brought us so close together, it feels so natural to us. I'm not against monogamous relationship if that's what the couple truly wants. But I'm pro realistic views on monogamy.
I have so much to say on this topic but I want to keep it short so it's not intimidating to read. But I HIGHLY recommend Sex at Dawn. It's a book on human monogamy that will change your perspective.
Upvoted - asking for citations should not be reason enough for downvotes.
To answer your question: it is very reasonable to assume that, biologically, humans are not monogamous creatures. Some indicators for that are our comparatively low sexual dimorphism (hinting at low male intrasexual competition for females [1]), our relatively large testicles and penis size (hinting at sperm competition, rather than physical competition - again common for non-monogamous mating strategies [2]) and penis shape (the often referred-to "semen displacement device", again hinting at a promiscuous mating system [3]) for instance.
Also, there are no monogamous group-living primates (see [4]) today - simply because that would most likely destroy the group (males competing for and monopolizing females within the group, this leading to intrasexual conflict between the males, which will ultimately fission the group as a whole). And group living primates is exactly what humans were for all but the last ~10k years - i.e. throughout most of our evolution (of course we still are - but the dawn of agriculture changed everything about our social dynamics).
I'm sorry I can't provide better sources, but this should at least get you started on the topic. And if you're really interested I can recommend "Sex at Dawn - The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality" [5], these points are explained in much more detail there.
[1] http://www.wwnorton.com/college/anthro/bioanth/ch7/chap7.htm
[2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogamous_pairing_in_animals#Testis_size
[3] http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=secrets-of-the-phallus
[4] http://www-personal.umich.edu/~phyl/anthro/mating.html
[5] http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813
> Humans are not wired for monogamy but you can tell yourself that to continue your narcissistic enthronement of your own existence.
Wow! Even if I agreed with you in principle. I would not agree with your negative accusations, judgment, and blame. You are at the level of trolling with this comment and I will feed you no more after this response.
You can believe what you want, just as I can believe what I want, but do please learn to be respectful in the process. I suspect the problem you are having is your belief system that has supported you all your life is being fractured by people with alternative beliefs that don't fall in line with yours. And you are sadly mistaken that my existence is narcissistic. You don't know me anymore than I know who you are. Take your judgment elsewhere.
> The more partners one has the more dissatisfied one becomes in monogamy. In essence, you create the problem yourself and then justify it.
This goes quite contrary to married couples who have been monogamous all their life, yet later in life consensually open up their marriage to other people. This is much more common than you know. Only because our society and religious beliefs frowns upon it as morally bad so it's not talked about openly. When really as long as everyone consents, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Seeing as how you are defending the monogamous side, you probably don't have any personal experience and interactions with others about this because you haven't swam in ethical non-monogamous circles to see what goes on.
> But I don't expect you to believe me or mature towards an adult who cares for his/her responsibilities.
You're right, I don't believe you. But that does not mean I am not mature as an older adult, nor does it mean that I do not take care of my responsibilities, or suggest that others shirk their responsibilities.
> Keep serving yourself and discard anyone who inhibits you. That is a truly attractive character trait.
You cannot serve or help others before you take care of yourself. And I'd encourage anyone who is feeling inhibited by any entity to question whether it is necessary or helpful their life. People don't have to accept the artificial constraints that negative religious, parental, and cultural training imposes upon us. Matter of fact, we could all stand to get rid of the resulting toxic shame that results from that stuff.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=sr_1_1_ha/
Sorry for not responding earlier, but I'm in a different time zone, and it was very late yesterday.
The linked review is about the book behind the TED talk, called "Sex at Dawn", and another book critically checking its claims, called "Sex at Dusk".
If one can summarize the points of the critic, it's probably that the main thesis of "Sex at Dawn" runs contrary to much of what we currently know about evolution in general, and the evolution of humans in particular.
I haven't watched it, but I've read Sex at Dawn which I'm sure says a lot of the same things, and yuuuuuuuuuup.
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I have not heard of this guy before, but man, he has quite the imagination! I really enjoyed his style, and of course, this message. Thank you for posting this. I'll now be adding Sex at Dawn to my reading list!
This thread reminds me of a book I've just about completed, called "Sex at Dawn," which studies the prehistoric origins of human sexual behavior -- and how we let the construct of shame get in the way far too much when judging our culture.
Great book. It was change the way you look at modern sexual relationships.
Well, not every society was patrilineal, just most were. There have been numerous matrilineal societies, too, particularly in certain regions, and many others that have been, for lack of a better term, "mixed" (e.g., things not really passing down lines, but just to the community). Prior to either system, hunter-gatherer societies appear to have been largely egalitarian, probably thanks in part to their small size and loose concept of property ownership.
I've read a fair number of books that touch on the topics you're mentioning here, but I don't know that I've come across one that sufficiently explains why men were the main oppressors upon the dawn of agriculture. My best guess would be that it is easier for (most) men to control (most) women, simply due to size differences, and that ongoing control overtime creates entire systems of control (the same way it does with race). Add in the incentives of wealth and power that came with agriculture, and those who would want the power and have access to it would have had, perhaps in their minds, very good reason to literally lord over others. That's just a guess, though.
If you're really interested in these concepts, there are two books you might enjoy: (1) Sex at Dawn, which, while it isn't without faults, does regard monogamy/promiscuity and has an excellent bibliography that could provide you with a good reading list. (2) The Underground Girls of Kabul may not seem related to your question, and I suppose it doesn't directly deal with monogamy, but it certainly addresses questions of nature vs. nurture when it comes to gender and the roles men and women play in society throughout history and still to this day.
Further more... for fun or food for thought.
https://www.amazon.com/Tribe-Homecoming-Belonging-Sebastian-Junger/dp/1455566381
https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/0061707813/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3/142-5728848-3469104?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_i=0061707813&amp;pd_rd_r=9533ee40-3006-416a-9497-bce791e1c24d&amp;pd_rd_w=r8koV&amp;pd_rd_wg=qKPNg&amp;pf_rd_p=6e6afc8a-fbbd-4649-97cf-4e08f5113612&amp;pf_rd_r=M1ZJKQDJ3QVCEFFVSQV9&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=M1ZJKQDJ3QVCEFFVSQV9
https://www.amazon.com/Civilized-Death-What-Lost-Modernity/dp/1451659105/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2/142-5728848-3469104?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_i=1451659105&amp;pd_rd_r=e030bc0f-f8ae-471c-9ca7-f847e7eaf38d&amp;pd_rd_w=2G4uW&amp;pd_rd_wg=ssT2m&amp;pf_rd_p=6e6afc8a-fbbd-4649-97cf-4e08f5113612&amp;pf_rd_r=MKKB2P33TB0A4HYAJVMQ&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=MKKB2P33TB0A4HYAJVMQ
https://bigthink.com/think-tank/how-to-make-love-like-a-caveman
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.allure.com/story/gang-bang-sex-fantasy/amp
http://upriser.com/posts/in-the-wodaabe-tribe-women-can-have-any-many-sexual-partners-as-they-wish-and-they-celebrate-an-annual-wife-stealing-festival
I think this was mentioned in the book Sex Before Dawn.
Rules always sound like a good idea, but I've found in practice they don't work very well.
If you want to introduce some non-monogamy aspects I'd suggest stating out with a threesome; That way you are present, know exactly what happened, and can process the experience together after the fact to see how you're both feeling.
Either way, I'd say start slow, really really slow, and take baby steps once you are both comfortable.
EDIT: Also you should both check out these books:
The Ethical Slut
Sex at Dawn
Opening Up
Opening Up
Sex at Dawn
Well, at least you have a lot going for you. You're in a far better position than most people here and have put a lot of work in to get there. Good luck, OP, you'll make it eventually. Just like it took time to get to where you are in other aspects of life, this will take some time and work as well.
If you haven't already and want a recommendation for something to read, I highly recommend this. It may give the wrong impression of being "mainstream" (Yes, the common person has terrible taste and standards.) or, ah, lower quality/shallow, but it's not, it really is filled with bloody brilliant observations and advice: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X
You could also look into oxytocin therapy or try an anxiolytic (etizolam is still legal and unregulated, very good) to get you over the initial phase. The anti-drug position is complete nonsense, they're valuable tools. "Mind over matter", the mind stems from matter.
I found this helpful: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1319237401&amp;sr=1-1
After I read it, I wrote out all the headings on index cards and used them to memorize the tips. If I was foggy on one of the headings, then I could just look up that specific info to refresh myself.
Well, that's the part where you say something like "hey, we should hang out sometime, maybe get coffee/dinner".
Try reading a book about connecting with people and making conversations like these:
http://www.amazon.com/Reaching-Out-Interpersonal-Effectiveness-Self-Actualization/dp/0205578640/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1322092173&amp;sr=8-3
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1322092232&amp;sr=1-1
This is a really good resource: https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909 It's long but has a very scientific approach to your biology.
Welcome! At 2 months, you have absolutely no reason to worry that you won't be able to do this. It can take a healthy couple up to a full year to conceive.
Do you temp? Use OPKs? My suggestions:
Buy and read Taking Charge of your Fertility. This is going to show you things about your body that you never knew. It really is eye opening.
Buy a Basal Body Thermometer. You can take your temperature vaginally or orally, as long as you do it the same way every day. You want to take your temperature after at least 3 hours of solid sleep. Don't get up, don't move around. Wake up to your alarm, take the temp and go back to sleep. I believe the one I linked has a 'history' so you can read it in the morning.
Enter your temperature daily in Fertility Friend This is free and will help you track your ovulation. You should have a drastic dip and then a pretty drastic rise. This indicates that you have in fact ovulated.
Temping is only good in retrospect. You can see that you have ovulated, not that you are going to. That's where [Ovulation Predictor Kids] (http://www.amazon.com/Combo-Ovulation-Pregnancy-Test-Strips/dp/B001E1Y1X6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1404993367&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=wondfo) come in handy. You use these in the afternoon (when most women will have a surge of Lutenizing (sp?) Hormone. This indicates that you are gearing up to ovulate. And yes, it's true that it's possible that you don't ovulate every time you surge. That's why you want to temp to actually confirm it.
Combining these 3 things will give you a really clear picture of what's going on each cycle. For some women, it can really stress them out. For me, it makes me feel empowered. Let me know if you have any more questions!
I would recommend the fertility awareness method if you didn't have a kid on the way. When practiced correctly it's a really effective method of non-hormonal birth control, but it relies on a fairly regular sleep schedule, which ain't gonna happen when baby arrives.
You don't need to make this decision now. Being pregnant could be making you feel all the feels and it could make you not want to be pregnant again. This decision can wait. It's great that your hubby presented it as a question and a conversation rather than a declaration.
There are some great secular NFP books like this one that encourage women to realize that NFP can be empowering.
I had a bad time with BCPs as well (irregular spotting throughout my cycle, despite trying several kinds over 5 years). My husband and I then exclusively used condoms (SKYN brand are great!).
I'm currently tracking my basal temperature and cervical fluid/position while trying to conceive, but I really like knowing what is happening with my body throughout my cycle. I will likely continue using it as birth control (with condom backup during fertile times) between kids and afterward.
It might be an unconventional option, but check out the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Emily Oster.
Thanks! Fertility awareness method is a fertility charting method that can be used to avoid or achieve pregnancy. The basic signs you chart are basal body temperature, cervical position, and cervical mucus. We used it as our sole form of birth control for over a year before we started trying to get pregnant. If you are interested in learning more you should read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and check out the website tcoyf.com. I was amazed to learn so many things about my body and fertility that I had no clue about.
Check out Taking Charge of your Furtility, it's all about charting your way to effective family planning. It's applicable whether you want to get pregnant or avoid pregnancy.
Lots of people think that the "fertility awareness method" (FAM) is the same thing as the "rhythm method", which is untrue. The rhythm method assumes a 28 day cycle, which is why it's wildly ineffective. FAM is all about getting to know her cycle so you can better predict her most fertile days.
I believe the only difference between "natural family planning" and FAM is what you do during her most fertile days. In NFP, you would remain abstinent, in FAM you would just use a condom. The info is the same for the rest though. Toni Weschler's book is a great resource.
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Your-Fertility-Anniversary/dp/0060881909
Chart your cycles. I successfully did this for the two years I was with my last boyfriend, and we never had any issues. I found this book highly useful.